#//and another year another 365 days where I learn progressively more and more things about myself Kfvshf

[keeps-ache]

2024's last digital piece !!

happy new yeeear!! this year i'm gonna try to work on my writing a bit more lol 💫

2021's last piece of art from me

happy new year, my resolution is to set timers so i drink more water✨

[perhaps-in-anotherdream]

ONLY ONE LIFE ♡

Here is a little something that I hope can be inspiring as we step into another page of the brand new notebook consisting of 365 pages. And there’s a little personal note at the end of the post. Please remember that this clip is a spoiler from an unreleased content on the global server. So if you don’t want to be spoiled, please just directly scroll down to the “personal note” part. ♡

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[Note]: This clip is from Victor’s Business Exhibition Date (企展之約), where LFG participates in a corporate cultural exhibition for elementary and middle school students, and in this part they are talking about the “hope” Victor has written down for the students to hang in the “Hope Tree” :>

–

I hurriedly take several steps forward to catch up to him, taking his arm.

MC: Victor, why did you write “You only have one life” on the post-it note today?

Victor: It’s true that you only have one life. Even an elementary school student knows this principle.

MC: ....that’s not what I meant.

MC: I’m asking, what did you want to imply in it? For example, are you asking the kids to seize the day and work their hardest?

His gaze lands on me. Seeing the serious look on my face, he slows down his pace slightly.

Victor: If you were to meet your childhood self, would you tell her to work her hardest?

MC: Hmm.... it’s hard to say.

MC: I might tell her what she needs to do in order for the me in the present to be even happier?

Victor: And that’s the reason why you can’t preach to others using an overly objective and rational principle.

Victor: Admittedly, it’s a desirable trait to work one’s hardest so that nothing will be an excuse to stop in their footsteps.

Victor: But this doesn’t mean everyone must have the goal of working their hardest. After all, everyone has different expectations of themselves.

Victor: Not everyone wants to stand at the peak.

Victor: As compared to looking down from the mountaintop, there some people who just wish to happily appreciate the scenery along the way without much hassle.

Victor: This might sound simple, but being an ordinary person isn’t an easy thing either.

Victor: “You only have one life” – this phrase can have many meanings under different contexts.

I’m stunned for a moment. I initially thought that Victor’s words were meant to be an inspirational quote about success, but I didn’t expect for him to have such thoughts.

Even when faced with young and tender children, he doesn’t want to give a defined answer on the basis that he is a mature adult.

My lips curl upwards, and I can’t resist sticking a little closer to him.

MC: You are right. Aside from the ones who stand at the peak, there are even more ordinary people in this world.

MC: Ordinary people have only one life too. They also need to cherish it properly and do the things they want to do.

MC: CEO Victor, I have learned from your advice!

–

✧ Personal Note ✧

My last year on Tumblr has been absolutely amazing. Initially, I started the blog cause it seemed an interesting app, which now has turned into a beautiful part in my memories. I have met so many amazing people here and have made many great friends as well. You guys have been so inspiring and loving. Every text, ask, comment– any interaction I’ve had with any of you has made my time worthwhile and it was absolutely inspiring. Thank you guys so much for everything! ♡

This year, the coming days may get progressively busier as my university will be conducting physical classes. And as a fresher, I have many things I need to figure out! :> So inevitably, I will be dedicating more of my time in my studies, in the world of CS and in figuring out life HAHA~

So my time on the blog might gradually decrease. Rest assured though, I will still try my best to make time and annoy you people with my ramblings HAHA, cause no matter how busy, bumpy, distracting, adventurous life gets or it has gotten in the past, my love for this man and this game has always been on the constant rise~ ಡ ͜ ಡ

Anyway, let’s see what the coming days has to offer! I hope that the coming days will bring us many many many pleasant surprises, blessings, perhaps one or two bumps in the road to make the good worth its value, and maybe a miracle wouldn’t be too bad either HAHA~ (✯ᴗ✯) May we can achieve the things we couldn’t in the year before; be it reaching a new career goal or a life’s resolution we’ve set for ourselves or be it simply spending a little more time with our loved ones. We have only one life after all. So as long as it’s within our power, let’s not hesitate to make the most of it!!

And even though a little late for this.... Happy New Year, everyone!!! (*´ω｀*)ﾉ♡

┈┈ ◍♡◍ ┈┈┈ ◍♡�� ┈┈

[shannygoatgruff]

Only Fan(s) - A Thriller

Genre: Thriller

Pairing: Modern Ivar/OC

Warning: Language, sex, stalking, obsession, kidnapping, sexual assault

Rating: MA+18

Summary: Sometimes OnlyFans subscribers want a little more than internet pictures. Sometimes they want to be your ONLY fan…

Header by: @flowers-in-your-hayr

Thanks to @xbellaxcarolinax for being my beta.

Disclaimer: This story will deal with some topics that might be a little uncomfortable for some people. As always, I’ll try to tackle the hard stuff as tactfully as possible.

a/n: I wrote this months ago and let it sit on the shelf. I’m finally ready to dust it off and give it another go...so let’s see what it do...

Part iii - Trifecta

Torren Sykes hadn’t lived what anyone would consider an exciting life. In fact, in her twenty-three years, she had only just left her mom’s double-wide trailer in East Bumble Fuck less than a year ago. Not quite 365 days later, she still didn’t have a pot to piss in, nor a window to throw it out of.

Truthfully, she usually didn’t know where she would be getting her next meal - that sort of thing wasn’t really a big deal to her. She actually liked the mystery of it all. There was something undeniably sexy about not knowing what the day would bring - who she would run into, or have to take something off of to survive. If someone else had to get hurt so she could make it through another day, such was life. She’d won. Those other people just needed to be better at playing the fucking game, plain and simple. 

Besides, pulling a caper or two kept her on her toes. She learned how to pull off the best of them from her mother. It’s not like adulting was one of Leslie’s strong suits. 

If only her mother had been more like her Me-Maw, now that woman was a saint. For reasons that Torren never cared to ask, she lived with her Me-Maw until she was five years old.  Leslie would periodically visit her to drop off the obligatory present on Christmas or her birthday if that bitch remembered. Not that they were ever good presents – just some cheap ass, unwrapped items she happened to pick up at the dollar store. Torren couldn't remember a gift that she had received wasn't still in the plastic bag with the receipt in it.

Cheap, whore.

Just once she would have liked a real baby doll from Toys-R-Us, instead of those cheap, hard, plastic dolls that the hand molds weren't cut out evenly, and the jagged edges cut the shit out of her face when she tried to sleep with it. But, that was Leslie. Torren didn't choose her; Leslie sure as shit didn't choose her daughter.

It became painfully clear to Torren that her mother didn’t want anything to do with her after her Me-Maw died. Unfortunately, she found herself as her mother’s unwitting roommate at a very young age, forcing the girl to spend a lot of time alone. 

By the time she turned nine, Torren was convinced that her mother was a prostitute and she was a trick baby. It was the only explanation she could come up with seeing as how her mother never worked but always had enough money to pay the rent, keep the lights on, and have plenty of booze, chips, and hot dogs in the fridge. 

Not that Torren had many other life experiences with a working parent to compare her situation to, but it just seemed pretty fucking difficult to have a job if one were passed out drunk all the fucking time. Besides, who had time to work when during your waking hours you were spending them with one of your many, many boyfriends? 

Torren used to wonder if one of the multitudes of men that would traipse in and out of that trailer were her father - but the more she got to know what type of person Leslie was, the more she realized that whoever that guy was, had gotten the hell out of dodge. 

Lucky son-of-a-bitch. 

But for all of Leslie’s flaws, she did manage to impart her three philosophies of life onto her daughter - the three things that Torren still lived by to this day. It was the least she could do. God knows that whore sure as fuck didn’t do anything else for her.

Mama’s Life Lessons #1 - There is no such thing as too much black eyeliner

As trivial as it sounded, it proved to be a precious lesson. Shortly after she had moved into the trailer, Leslie had forced Torren to sit on the bed and watch as she got ready for another one of her "dates". She had told the little girl that beautiful eyes were the one good gene that ran in their family. “You got to learn how to work ‘em,” Leslie exhaled a long plume of smoke at her reflection in the vanity mirror, “You listenin'? This's important. This right here," she held up the black liner pencil, “is gonna be your best friend.”

Of course, Torren had no idea what she meant. How was a pencil going to her friend? She didn’t really care so much as what her mother was saying to her at the moment, it was more of the fact that she was actually talking to her that made Torren hang on to every word. 

That’s why she picked up the black liner pencil from her mother's cluttered vanity table and leaned over to look in the mirror. She tried tracing her bottom lid, the way her mother had done, but at six it was a little easier said than done. She had just learned how to color inside the lines with a fat crayon; mastering the art of applying liner would have to wait a few more years. 

Leslie, however, was not willing to wait that long, "What the hell's amatta wit'chu, Dumbass? You doin' it all wrong," she said snatching the pencil from the girl's hand. Grabbing Torren roughly by the chin she said, "Gotta teach you every goddamn thing. Hold still." She mumbled more curses and said something about her good-for-nothing mother not teaching her brat anything useful.

By the time she had finished cursing her name, Leslie roughly turned her daughter's head toward the mirror, "Yeah you got those eyes. Now, learn to use ‘em.” Leslie dropped the pencil onto the vanity before picking up her drink and shooing Torren away. 

That was the day that Drew Watkins bought her an ice cream. It had to be the eyeliner. It was a true fact, not just another one of her mother's drunken theories. Eyeliner and her eyes...she didn’t know how she used them, but they worked.

From that day on Torren opted to never step foot outside without heavy black liner again. 

Mama’s Life Lessons #2 - As long as there are men around that want to fuck you, you will never need to work

It wasn’t like she going to go out and get a real job. She wasn’t raised with much of a work ethic. She was too young to remember if her Me-Maw worked and what she gathered from her mother was that there would always be men around to take care of her. 

Leslie told her that she didn’t need to work because working a man was a full-time job. If she were doing that right, she wouldn’t have time for a fucking 9-5. It didn’t matter if he was in a relationship, gay, or the fucking Pope. As long as he a dick and she could bend over, and her eyes were done, her rent was as good as paid. 

If she wanted more than just the basic bills paid, she would have to rethink what all she was willing to do - but just make sure she didn’t do too much otherwise she couldn’t guarantee a steady paycheck every week.

This sage advice didn’t make much sense to 8-year-old Torren, but as the years progressed she started to work it into one of her life’s mottos. She would never want for anything. She could always rely on the kindness of strangers and when that got to be too boring, she could always take it, just to spice things up a bit.  

Mama’s Life Lessons #3 - If you want something do whatever it takes to make sure you get it

As a child that grew up with the television as a babysitter, Torren Sykes knew that she was destined to love Ivar “Lothbrok” Ragnarsson since she was a little girl. Ever since that day she turned on the TV and saw this adorable blue-eyed boy drawing Mickey Mouse ears saying, “I’m Ivar Lothbrok and you’re watching the Disney Channel,” she knew that he had to be hers. 

He was co-starring on a show called The Baker Boys, about three foster kids, who had come to live with a family that owned a bakery. Ivar’s character was named Simon Baker - a mischievous kid that lived with his grandmother until she died and never felt like he fit in with this cookie-cutter family. 

His life was just like hers - minus the cookie-cutter family that loved him and all. She was actually with more of an alcoholic whore that didn’t give a shit if she lived or died, and not pulling stunts in a bakery with flour and messing up orders like him, but she still saw them as kindred spirits. 

When the show got canceled she was devastated. How dare the world try to keep her from her man? Didn’t they understand this was love? Didn’t those people at Disneyland know that he was the only person in the world that understood her?

As if on queue, she happened to find the Season 2 DVD box-set at the library one afternoon. Her mother had kicked her out of the trailer because she had a date and couldn’t have the dumbass child around fucking things up for her. Torren had nothing else to do - at 11-years-old, she had no money, and nowhere to go. At least the library was air-conditioned. 

She wanted that box-set. Slipping it into her backpack unnoticed was the easy part. Trying to get it past the alarms would be harder. She watched for a while, paying particular attention to the way the check-out system worked. 

When the librarians changed shifts, she let a smile cross her lips as she picked a few random books from the shelves. 

Her beautiful eyes went as big as saucers when the alarm buzzed, and the young male librarian looked down at her, still clutching the large reference book to her check. Carefully she had stepped across to the other side of the alarm sensor waiting to collect the books she was checking out.

“I’m sorry, you can’t check out reference books,” the young man said, blinking his hazel eyes at Torren, the corner of his lip tugging into a smile.

She let a pout fall on her lips as she lowered her large eyes down to the book in her arms, “Oh...sorry.” She handed the book back, “I didn’t realize I still had it.” And like that, she walked out of the library with her prize.

She had stolen for Ivar...now if that wasn’t love what was?

The only thing that had threatened their love through the years is when Ivar got married. It damn near broke Torren’s heart. How could he be so cruel? She didn’t give a fuck that the marriage was short-lived. She even understood why he had to do it. He had gotten that bitch pregnant, and he didn’t have much choice. But, he cut her deep. 

Didn’t he know how much she loved him? Didn’t he know that she stuck by him when he had joined 6cess and had seen him in concert 3 times? She still had the autographed photo of the two of them from the signing at Spring Hills Mall - when she was wearing that blue midriff cardigan and ripped jeans and he had his arm around her. That shirt brought out the color in his eyes. She even wore Happy, which he said was his favorite perfume. She thought it smelled like Comet, but she stole a bottle of it from Macy’s right before the photo-op to smell good for him. 

And he went and pulled this shit?

Besides, Johnny Law said that she was still too young for him and that he could get arrested for being with her. She knew that he had to pretend to have a normal life so that no one would know about their love affair. She was just understanding like that. It gave her time to grow up a little more so that when they could he be together, the law wouldn't be standing in their way. She really didn't give a fuck, but she suspected he did. Why else hadn't he come for her?

Torren didn’t even like their music. She wasn’t a boyband kind of girl, but for him, she would make the exception. She was more of the gangsta rap or heavy metal type girl. But if Ivar was serenading her, she’d listen to sappy, wrist-slitting, emo, shit rock all fucking day long, because she loved him. 

She hated that he had gotten that whore pregnant, too. She understood that he had to pretend that they had a normal marriage. She knew that when he was fucking that bitch, he was really imagining it was her. The years apart had made him a master at hiding his true feelings for her. He couldn't give anyone cause for suspicion. If he let on the truth he could risk losing everything…his house, cars, job, and his kid. That whore was trying to keep them apart. But, she was just a small obstacle that posed no real threat to Torren.

She did not doubt that she would be his daughter's new mommy. The kid would probably be sad at first that she wouldn't be with that other woman like Torren had been when her grandmother died. But, the kid would get used to it. Torren was going to be a whole hell of a lot better at being a mom than her piece of shit mother was to her. That was for damn sure. She was going to teach her stepdaughter all about eyeliner, and how to dye her hair. 

She was going to teach her what party clothes every woman should have in her wardrobe and how to get a man to do whatever she wanted by just batting her eyes at him. She would even share her secrets on what pills to mix and what dosages to give for submission, making a man catatonic, and if she was really good, she'd teach what to put in a drink to kill someone. Hell, she even planned on giving the child her most discrete drug contacts. That would of course have to wait until she was older – at least 13. She was going to be such a good mommy. 

Ivar's daughter was going to love Torren as much as Torren loved him. They were going to be the perfect family.

Torren was as hopelessly devoted to Ivar as he was to her. He had waited for her to become legal. Just months before she was old enough to legally consent to sex, and get married without parental permission, his marriage started falling apart. She knew that Ivar was trying to make a clean break from his wife, and get his daughter used to the idea of them being apart before he could come home to her. 

Torren had been thoughtful and respectful enough to give him that space to make sure everything was right before she stepped into the role of the new Mrs. Lothbrok. He had to test the waters, make sure that she still wanted him as much as he wanted her. He had to get back into the swing of things…have sex constantly to make sure he could keep up with her. She knew that "the prude" wasn't doing it nearly as often as he needed to - why else would he have an Only Fans page?

Torren was the only one that could feed his appetite, and he hers.

Now, they were both finally ready. She was mature and developed. She knew what she needed, and it was him. He had his fun before her, but now he was auditioning again and getting everything back on track for them. He had a great relationship with his daughter and his dumb ass ex-wife finally understood that their relationship was a fling that went too far.

His face told her everything that her heart already knew. He loved her. 

Why else would be looking at her like that? She could feel herself blush when he smiled on Instagram like that into them. Then he gave her that smile. That was her smile; the one that he reserved for her during their private times. Yet, there he was doing it in front of an audience of millions, and he didn't care who saw it. He had to let her know that it was time for her to come home. It was like a sleeper cell being awakened.

She didn't have a choice. She did what any other woman in her position would do. She packed a bag, threw it in the car she stole a few days before and drove. Armed with her trifecta of knowledge and determination, she prepared to face the obstacles that were bound to get in her way. There was nothing that was going to stop her from getting her man.

Nothing.

Part ii || Part iv

Tags: @ideagarden-blog1​  @youbloodymadgenius​ @xbellaxcarolinax​ @a-mess-of-fandoms​ @didiintheblog​ @conaionaru​ @peachyboneless​ @flowers-in-your-hayr @heavenly1927​ @zuxiezendler @waiting4inspiration​ @saldelys @didiintheblog​  @revolution-starter​

[thelordofdarkreunion]

Magnificent Scoundrels- The Shadowed Lords

I know I keep throwing new characters and places at you.  Sorry.  Scoundrel shenanigans will return next story.  However, this is important for the story progression, and, to be blunt, these are some of my personal favorite characters I wrote in here.  Enjoy the story, and if you are interesting in it, please read the end note.  

“Nine heroes and their colleagues.

Six Shadowed Lords and the assets they bring:

One Ghost.

One god.

One collector.

One Man

One Cypher.

One Leader.

Six Stones.

One Weapon.

One Crucible.

One Ring.

Seven Lords:

One Lion

One Phoenix

One Warhawk

One Wolf

One Son

One Salamander

One Raven

And a little luck.”  -A List of Items Required

Titanfall Galaxy

The Outlands

Hammond Robotics Lab 365-772

It was night out, and Dr. Lisa Wiltalker sat in the same chair, in the same office, as she did every night.  But this time, she didn’t really mind.  It was a wonderful night outside, crisp and clear, with the stars shining through the window, creating an ambient atmosphere of peace.  Though, in reality, it was actually due to her work that she didn’t mind staying late.  

She was the head of the facility, one of the most important ones in the Outlands region of space, and it was her duty to advance the Hammond company by any means necessary.  And, by God, the opportunities that presented themselves now!  Eight new universes that had just materialized from nowhere.  Eight!  The circumstances that presented themselves for Hammond and herself were...endless.

She was currently studying everything she could about these new galaxies, trying to learn anything and everything she could…

She looked up sharply.  Could have sworn something was moving in the shadows…  No.  She had been here for...fifteen hours, was it?  It was nighttime, and it was a lonely, empty office building, so no wonder her senses were playing tricks on her sleep deprived mind.  She stood up, stretched, grabbed a coffee from the machine in the room, and sipped it while looking out the window and the stars.  Feeling better, or at least more caffeinated, she returned to the task at hand. 

Eight new galaxies.  Endless opportunities to sell the products of Hammond.  Spectre robots, the latest and greatest in infantry fighting machines, faster, stronger, and tougher than a man; explosive Ticks, small drones that seeked out enemies and detonated; and, of course, Titans.  She didn’t think that any of the other galaxies had technology like that, and where better to add to their arsenals but from the Hammond Corporation?  Made perfect sense…

She snapped around sharply.  She swore she could have heard something moving, swore she could see something just inside her peripheral vision…  She shook her head again.  The office was massively secure, with guards, both of bolt and steel, and flesh and blood stationed throughout it.  When in a sleep deprived and lonely situation, everyone started seeing the boogeyman hiding in the corners.  She shook her head ruefully and turned on more lights.  

Where was she?  Ah, yes.  Opportunities.  Who to sell to?  Everyone, if possible.  Who could turn down six meter tall war machines, implemented with the finest in A.I. technology, programmed in the art of death and destruction?  Well, probably a few of the more dense and/or peaceful of the governments out there.  She leafed through a dossier.

The Galactic Assembly?  No.  Has only had two major wars in the last century, both of which had ended within the year.  The United Federation of Planets?  Also no.  Too regulatory, too jealous of their own technology.  The Galactic Empire?  This one looked promising.  A pro-human empire that had been fractured and on the losing side of a major war in recent years, desperate for anything to turn the tide.  Yes, this-

A cold, metallic hand gripped her throat, preventing any sound from getting out, and a horribly deep, rasping, grating voice sounded in her ear.

“You ever get the feeling you’re not alone in the room?  It’s because you’re not.”

The extremely tall, spindly...thing stood over the corpse of Dr. Wiltalker.  The body had a massive, jagged, yet precise hole ripped through the torso, directly where the heart was, and currently lay deep in a pool of its own clotting blood.  The thing, made of cold steel yet looking oddly humanoid, stood above it, watching, savoring the sensation.  

“One more off the list,” it said in the same rasping voice.  It made a move to turn, to exit the room, but stopped.  It stared at the desk.  At the dossier.  “Interesting,” it muttered.  It picked it up.  “Very interesting indeed.”  It leafed through it.   The machine turned.  

It had once been he.  He had once been living.  He had been turned into this… synthetic nightmare by Hammond, against his will or knowledge.  He snarled and suppressed a shudder of rage.  Once the greatest hitman the Syndicate, Hammond, or anyone else had ever known, at some unknown point his mind had been altered, his body destroyed and replaced with… this.  He snarled again.  

He had been having his revenge against everyone and everything associated with the company… but this new knowledge.  This changed things.  So many possibilities.  So many skinsuits.  So little time.  He was the boogeyman.  He was the Revenant.  And he would have his vengeance.

Warhammer 40k Galaxy

Solemnace, Necron Tomb World

The hallways were jet black, cut from a strange stone that seemed to absorb all light around it.  The only illumination came from strange runes and lighting fixtures that seemed to blend into the halls and ceilings.  The light was a pale, bright green, and cast strange shadows on the halls and objects residing within.  It swirled throughout the space, as if it didn’t quite understand what exactly it was supposed to be illuminating.  A human would have found the long halls exceptionally strange.  Disconcerting.  Creepy, even, if one were less eloquent.  It seemed like something from a horror movie, with mad creatures waiting to leap from the shadows on the unaware.  

Even more strange and disconcerting were the objects located within the halls.  Strange devices, artifacts, and objects littered the space.  Each one almost unrecognizable; completely unknown except to the most knowledgeable of galactic historians, and, of course, the curator.  For this place, this entire planet, in fact, was so much more than strange alien hallways and lighting that did not agree with the human ocular system.  Above all else, itt was a place that preserved history.

The massive galleries, for that is what they were, contained a great many strange, horrifying, and wondrous things.  Everything, from inactive artifacts of history to living beings had their place here.  Each was protected, frozen in status by eldritch technologies.  A massive man in baroque power armor.  Tens of thousands of Imperial Guardsmen, from many different worlds, (including some lost) scattered throughout different exhibits.  Huge war machines, from almost every race to bestride the stars.  A large, beautifully embellished bell.  Korks, the ancient and ferocious genetic predecessors of orks.  The ossified husk of some strange, jellyfish-like being.  The preserved head of an Imperial Saint.  The graceful Eldar of the last high council of the destroyed Craftworld Idharae.   Space Marines, from almost every chapter and legion imaginable.  Several Inquisitors that had been just a bit too nosy.  A Custodian.  Stange, undocumented blue crab-like aliens.  Members of species thought to be long dead by the rest of the galaxy.  The total list would probably take hours, if not days or weeks, to describe.  

The long galleries were patrolled by odd beings, bipedal silver robots with elongated skulls, wielding strange spears.  They seemed to be mindless, uncaring of the weariness that would affect any other beings by the constant patrolling.  

On one of the wings of the planet-sized museum, an individual studied a huge sculptured head.  It was old and grimy, its original and secondary colors lost to time.  The figure was lost in it, its bulk taking up a huge display gallery.  Once upon a time the head had been part a a figure called the Statue of Liberty, and had resided in the human hive city of Nuva York on the Throneworld of mankind.  38,000 years ago.  It was a huge monument to human accomplishment.  38,000 years ago.  It was a historical relic, a testament to mankind’s history.  30,000 years ago.  It disappeared, never to be seen again, a missing piece of history.  24,000 years ago.  Now it resided here.  It mattered nothing to the individual.  He was older than the statue.  Older than the human race itself.  

His body was similar to those of the gallery guardians, but much more ornamented and higher quality.  Made of silvery metal, his legs were long but powerful.  A metallic rib cage, with a strange symbol etched in the breastbone attached, the legs to similarly structured arms.  His metallic skull had a largely elongated jaw, with a permanent mouth etched in the metal.  A cloak made of interlocking metallic plates was thrown across his back, and in his hands was a strange staff, made of the same metal as he was.  

A sigh of contentment, strangely synthesized, escaped his lips (or what passed for them).  While he did often travel the galaxy, looking for artifacts and individuals to add to his ever-growing collection, it was nice to look at his gains.  He turned and strode out of the gallery hall.  

A vast open room stretched before him, much better lit than his galleries.  Ornamented skeletal warriors, weapons at the ready, stood on guard.  They were there not only to protect him (not that he needed it, mind you, there were plenty of tricks up his sleeve), but the massive museum itself.  He surmounted the steps to his throne, ornamental carved from the black rock, and surveyed his domain.  He was not here simply to oversee his galleries.  No.  A voice broke him out of his thoughts.

“My lord?” asked another metallic servant, this one bearing heavier limbs and more decoration than its fellows.  The seated figure looked up.  A huge holographic map, made of eerie green light, sprung to life, taking up the majority of the colossal room.  It showed not one, but nine different galaxies.  Each a treasure trove.  Each begging to be explored.  

Trazyn the Infinite, Phaeron of the Nihilakh Dynasty, Archaeovist of Solemnace, curator of the Prismatic Galleries, and collector extraordinaire turned his head to the map.  Eight new galaxies.  Eight new sets of history.  So little time.  So much to collect.  

Marvel Galaxy

Within the passages between worlds

There were ways.  Passages between realms and planets, known to only a few.  Some might call them ‘wormholes’, some ‘slip spaces’, others just plain ‘magic’.  They were small, strange, holes in time and space.  While naturally occurring, and while able to be explained by science, few ever found them.  Fewer still ever used them.  

Loki of Asgard, God of Mischief, was not among those few.  He was with the tiny minority, the smallest percentage of all beings: he knew where they were, knew how they worked, and used them frequently.  They were so incredibly useful; too hard to pass up.  Not even Heimdall, all-seeing guardian of the Nine Realms, could not peer into them.  Poor Heimdall.  The man was a tedious bore, but he really didn’t deserve to die like he did.  

Loki died that day too, choked to death at the hands of the Mad Titan, Thanos.  Or did he?  Was this the original Loki, cheating death yet again?  Was this another Loki from the same universe, the same timeline, transported here?  Maybe.  Or was this a Loki from somewhere else entirely; the same individual from a different universe?  It was possible.  One never really knew with the God of Lies.  

Loki wasn’t truly evil.  He had a habit for causing mass death and destruction, but those killed were mortals, were they not?  A few years taken off their miserably short lives wouldn't really affect anything.  He liked power, enjoyed it, would use force to get it, but, at heart, he wasn’t malevolent.  

But now, out there, seen in the spaces between time and space, there were new things.  Things that truly were malevolent.  Evil.  Things that would enslave all sentients, destroy all life, rend reality asunder.  

He was no hero.  But things like this...they needed to be stopped.  So, unfortunately, he would probably end up fighting on the side of heroes.  However, that didn’t mean he still couldn’t find time for mischief...  

Mass Effect Galaxy

Cronos Station, Headquarters of Cerberus

The room was bare, with only an ergonomic chair standing alone in the center.  A huge window, sleek and curved, with no obstructions, gave view to a massive fiery star.  Tendrils of fire, both red and yellow, spun into space, guaranteed to take any viewer’s breath away.  The floor was black and polished, reflecting the star’s burning light.  Sitting in the chair in the center of the room, surrounded by orange and blue holograms, was a single human.

He was wearing an extremely expensive, well-tailored suit, the edges perfectly cut to fit his frame.  His brown hair was neatly styled, and his eyes glowed blue, replaced long ago with prosthetics.  He stood, glass of incredibly expensive liquor in hand, the glowing tip of a cigarette sticking from the edge of his mouth, staring at the holograms.  Somehow, he contrived to make the vices look incredibly elegant and classy, like a movie star of old.  

He was the Illusive Man.  One of the, if not the most powerful individuals in the galaxy. Creator of the pro-human terrorist organization Cerberus.  He saw his duty plainly: humanity must become the most prominent race throughout the stars.  He was not xenophobic.  Far from it.  He simply wanted his species to succeed, and if lesser individuals saw that as racist, saw him as a terrorist, then so be it.  He cared nothing for the opinions of the weak.  Those who were not willing to act were not worthy of inheriting the stars.  But now...complications.  

Eight new galaxies.  He knew a great many things about them; far more than most.  There were new threats.  New problems.  New factions and people of incredible power.  But most importantly, humanity existed in all eight.  His species.  

Whether through the iron might of the Imperium of Man, or the peace and technological progress of the United Federation of Planets, humanity was in a prominent place in all of them.  He would see them remain that rightful place.  But now there were threats.  Too many to handle alone.  He would need help, and he would need it as quickly as possible if he were to succeed.  

The holograms scrolled past, showing names.  Faces.  Dossiers.  Heroes.  Villains.  Species.  

The Illusive Man sat in his chair, cigarette dangling from his mouth as if forgotten.  He was thinking.  Planning.  He needed more help, needed more people, needed more knowledge.  Knowledge was power.  Power was required to raise mankind to the top.  Simple, but not easy.  He thought some more.  

Unknown Location

The faint light, cast by the glow of a nearby star, emanated from large floor to ceiling windows.  The star was old, cold, but still let out a pure white light, enough to illuminate the room through the heavy, cathedral-like windows.  It contrasted with the empty blackness of space, the only light beyond the star being faint pinpricks, barely enough to cast a second glance at.  The room itself was dark.  Nothing could be seen of it.  Not its size, not its purpose, or any items within.  The light only illuminated two figures standing side by side, staring out into the blackness of space.  

The one on the right was the shorter of the two.  It looked to be human, with two arms, two legs, and a head sticking out from a normal human frame.  However, one couldn’t really tell what it was, for its face was hidden by an armored black mask and helmet.  Two rectangular eye slits, glowing a dim red in the light of the star, looked out through the window.  It wore black armor and gloves, stylized so as to allow the greatest range of motion possible.   A heavy black coat, reinforced by some form of anti-ballistic material, reached down to the figure’s ankles.  Holstered at its side was a large pistol, a human-made automatic of heavy calibre.  

The figure on the left was massive.  While the one in black was slightly taller than six feet, it towered a full eight feet tall.  Its form was large and bulky, with joints of massive power armor poking through a plain white robe that hid the majority of its figure.  A white hood covered its head, and while one might think this figure was some strange alien, the bottom of the face that could be seen through the hood and shadows was unmistakably human.  It had a broad and chiseled face that fit the rest of its massive form, hinting that the bulkiness of its figure came not from the armor, but from the body beneath it.  Two pistols were holstered at its side, both oversized to fit in the figure’s large armored gauntlets.  One was blocky and black, and while heavily ornamented, seemed to be of the type that fired something akin to bullets.  The other glowed a soft blue, coils replacing what would have been the slide on an automatic pistol.  

An utterly massive sword was strapped to the figure’s back, and while beautifully adorned and seemingly crafted by a master, it was too large even for the tall man to wield it.  Instead, it was kept in its place, resting on his back.  

The taller man spoke.  “You know what must be done, yes?”  His voice was a deep baritone, rumbling with massive power and reverberating through the darkness.  

“Yes.”  The shorter figure’s voice was scarred and metallic, spoken through some sort of modulator in the mask it wore.  

“Then we must move quickly.”  The man on the left turned and stared down at the black-clad figure on the right.  “There are those who would seek to stop this.”

“It is logical.  I see no other way to make things right for everyone.”

“Good.  Then it is necessary to do what must be done,” said the deep voice.  

“The fate of the universe hangs on the shoulders of a few.  But they have done it before.  Proven their worth,” replied the black figure.  

“This time there are forces outside of their control.  Things they are not powerful enough to fight.  This is why we must help them.”  The red lenses tilted up towards the tall man’s face.

“Indeed.  We have a mission, and for the good of all we must not fail.”

Hope you liked the story.  I know that both Loki and the Illusive Man are kind of bad guys, and the the Illusive Man goes heavy off the deep end in ME 3, but that hasn’t happened yet, and I need all of these characters on the same side.  Now, the message.  If you have any ideas for stories you want me to write or any characters that fit in with the Shadowed Lords you want to include, please tell me and I will consider writing them if the fit in.  If you have any comments, criticisms, concerns, or questions, don’t hesitate to ask!  I hope you enjoyed the story, and I hope that you have a great day.  Or night.  Or whatever.  

Edit: Also, Revenant is a sociopathic murderer, so he isn’t exactly a good guy either.  

[clevercatchphrase]

2020 Year Review~

2020. Pretty unique year, don’t you think? It’s the first year since 2002 to have only two different digits in it. After 2022, this won’t happen again until 2111. Yep. Absolutely nothing more interesting than that.

Anyway! It’s time I reflect on my 2020, look back on my yearly goals and rant about things that happened to me this year. I made a post like this last year, where I went over my 2019 goals and talked about what I accomplished and what I didn’t, and it’s only fitting I do the same again this year. Read more under the cut for a random stream of consciousness ramble!

So, first things first, let’s look at my 2019 goals;

Finish paying off that last student loan

Put more stuff on my redbubble

Illustrate my own fan fics

Sew at least one stuffed animal

Make an enamel pin

Read one new book a month

Write one page a day/Complete at least one new fan fic

Learn Python or C# for the game I want to make

Finish fully scripting Ghost Switch

Boost my patreon

 Paying Off My Last Student Loan: Going down the list, I am proud to say that I FINALLY paid off all my student loans! (and not a moment too soon. The last payment I made was literally days before the first quarantine rolled out). It took me roughly 4 years on my part-time paycheck to pay off all my loans, and once I finished, I had no money to my name (literally; I had less than 1k as emergency money in case of car troubles or health issues). Heck, I’m STILL living at home as a save up for a place of my own. Finally paying off all my student loans DID activate my secret 2020 new year’s resolution, which was to adopt a cat! I did this too, literally a week later! She is the best thing that’s happened to me this entire year and I love her so much and she is the snuggliest cuddle bug I’ve ever met. I’m so happy she’s in my life now~

Put More Stuff On My Redbubble: ah ha ha ha… I thought I did this, but then I went and checked, and it turns out-! I did not. I made art I intended to go on my redbubble, but haven’t put there yet. They are all drawings of some OCs from a game I want to make, but because I haven’t progressed on making the game this year, I never got around to putting more stuff related to it on my redbubble. At the time of writing, there are 7 days left in December, so I guess I could go and put it up on my redbubble right now, but without context on where the characters are from, there wouldn’t be much point, now would there?

 Illustrate My Own Fan Fics: Another goal that I was so stoked to actually do… and then just didn’t. Gee, I wonder why I couldn’t find the energy or motivation to do it this year? Truly a conundrum. (Hey, you know what? If Ghost Switch counts as a fan fiction in a visual form, then I am doing GREAT on this goal. 2.5 years in, 1 of ~4 arcs done, and still going steady~)

 Sew At Least One Stuffed Animal: Okay, I have a valid excuse for not doing this one. I even knew which stuffed animal I wanted to make, and had the pattern drawn out and everything, but I had no money for materials because I had just paid off my student loans. And then, by the time I did have enough money again, quarantine was in full effect and I couldn’t go out to the fabric store. I’m still trying my best to stay out of public places even if the rules are laxer now, because I don’t want to catch the plague even if everyone in my goddamn city thinks and acts like the problem is over already. Even if they’re all wearing masks, even if they’re staying 6 feet apart, I still don’t want to risk it. I will stay inside until health experts give the all clear, and when that day comes, then I will buy some fleece and make a plush.

 Make An Enamel Pin: I ACTUALLY DID THIS ONE. TWICE! Halfway through quarantine, I was feeling anxious and depressed about my job and how they were planning to have me work with the public despite climbing infection rates and positive covid cases. I didn’t quit then, but in a desperate move to try and become self-sufficient, I went to madebycooper and made two enamel pins based on some butterfly dragons I drew last year. They’re on my etsy store now! I even went out of my way to open a P.O. box just to start a small business! I haven’t sold a single pin yet, and I’m actually really nervous to sell my first because I don’t trust the efficiency of the postal system thanks to the actions of the GOP that really screwed them over this year! (If you would like to see my enamel pins, click here!)

 Read One Book A Month: I did this! With dragon books I bought a couple years back! In fact, I read FOURTEEN dragon books, and still have more books for next year to read! The 14 books I read this year were:

 The Hive Queen

The Poison Jungle

Wings Of Fire Legends: Dragonslayer

Dealing With Dragons

Searching For Dragons

Calling on Dragons

Talking to Dragons

The Bronze Dragon Codex

The Brass Dragon Codex

The Black Dragon Codex

The Red Dragon Codex

The Silver Dragon Codex

Dragon Strike, and

Hatching Magic

 To be honest, I had read The Red Dragon Codex years ago when it first came out, but completely forgotten what it was about. I remembered liking it, and I knew the reading level was on the lower side, but the whole dragon codex series was pretty good! So far, the Silver dragon codex was my favorite, and black dragon codex was probably the worst! Hatching Magic was also really slow and bad and had plot points that went nowhere, but the book was written in the 80s, so I don’t know what I expected. The Dealing with Dragons series was very charming and great for the most part, save for one line in the last book that really rubbed me the wrong way, and all the Wings of Fire Books go above and beyond in this third arc. The second legends book could be a little tighter, though (sky and wren are the best duo and I want a book solely about them, but I honest to god do not care about leaf and ivy’s stories.)

 Write one Page of any story every day/ complete at least one fic: I… did this? Okay, I kinda cheated near the end of the year. I was keeping up the one page a day thing for the first four months, but then the world went to shit and my schedule and habits got disrupted and I fell off my good track record. I completed 7 out of roughly 12 one-shots I had planned for this year (my goal WAS supposed to be one short a month, but… you know how it happens) I kept trying to catch up on this goal all year, but the days kept piling up…. Until November hit. I managed to write over 250 pages for Nanowrimo, and I consider this goal a win. 365 pages of fiction in total, which averages out to about one a day~. SHUT UP IT COUNTS.

 Learn Python or C# for the game I want to make: Another goal I didn’t have the mental energy to commit to this year. Truly a mystery to where all our willpower went in 2020.

 Fully Finish Scripting Ghost Switch: still haven’t done this one yet! The Snowdin arc is completely planned, but I just haven’t gotten around to getting the other areas. I’m not worried, though. I know all the major plot points I gotta hit, it’s just weaving them together in a way that flows nice is the final task. I’m not too worried though. I don’t expect to finish the Snowdin arc for another year and a half, at the bare minimum.

 And my last goal of 2020, Boost My Patreon. I did this at the beginning of the year, but then very intentionally stopped about a third of the way through. It didn’t sit right with me to tell you guys to donate to me when suddenly EVERYONE was financially strained from layoffs or being furloughed. I told my patrons the same, and if you ever need to stop donating to me to take care of yourself first, then by all means, please do. I would feel much better knowing you’re using your money to see yourself fed and housed instead of given to me (where it is pretty much only used to buy gas for my car, honestly)

 Welp! That was all my goals for 2020! I achieved 4 out of 10 goals plus 1 secret goal! Pretty much the same ratio as last year, but now this time I can blame all my failures on the pandemic! I don’t feel so bad about myself anymore~

 ON TO 2021!

 I have 11 goals for the new year, again some rolled over from this list, and some from even older years. They are, in no particular order;

 Read 12 new books (roughly 1 book a month)

Finish the first draft of 2019’s Nanowrimo project and rewrite it

Script TDV

Finish Scripting Ghost Switch

Build A Comic Buffer

Sew 1 Stuffed Animal

Finish 1 Song Comic

Make another Enamel Pin

Finish 2 short original comics (this one counts as 2 goals)

Finish the 5 remaining one-shot fics

 Now to go into depth on each one, more for my own sake, really. I want to know exactly what I have planned for each goal this year, and sometimes just looking at a short list doesn’t capture all the smaller details.

 1)Read 12 new books. Same as last year! I The only difference is I might not be able to make it all dragon-related books. (I try my hardest not to buy from amazon anymore, but half-price-books doesn’t always have the obscure stuff I’m looking for)

 2)Finish 2019’s nanowrimo project. If you read my 2019 year reflection, you’ll notice I said I wanted to do some original writing. And I did! The story I wrote for nanowrimo back then was a story I’ve been toying with since 2017, but it was only last year I finally got pen to paper. Now, you may find it odd that the keyword says “finish”. You may think, “but isn’t that what you’re supposed to do for nanowrimo?” and to that I say, WRONG! I wrote 50k words for nanowrimo, but the draft was only about halfway complete. I was kinda discouraged about what I had written last year, because I didn’t like how it was coming out, but I did manage to get it half done. Now it’s time for me to bite the bullet and just finish the thing so I can finally revise it and make it into something I DO like. (It’s still gonna be hella long, tho. That’s what I get for trying to write an epic fantasy, I guess.)

 3)Script TDV. TDV is the abbreviation of the game I want to make. I… still need to do so much for this project OTL… In addition to getting the story solidified, I still need to draw art and game assets, and learn how to code for it, both of which are no small task. I keep having some sort of new year’s goal related to this on my list, and every year I just don’t hit this one. Will 2021 be different?

 4)Finish Scripting Ghost Switch. (Or at the very least, get the waterfall arc completely written out). I have a plan to break this down into simpler steps, by focusing on just one arc for a month or two. Every major arc has 2 to 3 parts, broken up by flashbacks, and if I can just finish one section a month, then I should have the entire thing scripted by the end of the year. It’s not a difficult pace, but seeing if I stick with it will be the real challenge, as it is will all my goals it seems.

 5)Build a Comic Buffer: I’m actually working on this one right now! Since I paid off my last loan and got a new job this year, my current Patreon goals are kind of out of date. They had all been centered around me paying off that last loan, and working towards full-time employment, but those are both completed now! So instead, I would love to get to a place where my patrons could read pages at least a week ahead, and to do that, I need to build a buffer. And since I’m working 5 full days a week now, I can’t afford to fall behind. But you can’t fall behind if you constantly stay ahead! I would like to have… a 10 to 12 page buffer. That’s roughly 3 months’ worth of pages to always have on hand in case I get swamped with work, or something. Right now I currently have a buffer of 3, which will cover me for half a January, which is better than not having anything at all, but still not the best. (ultimately, I would love to have a buffer so big, I could queue them up for the whole year. Wouldn’t that be something?)

 6) Sew one stuffed animal: same as last year. ASSUMING the plague gets under control in 2021, I don’t expect to get to this goal until the summer at the earliest.

 7)Finish 1 song comic: I have 7 song comics planned. One is a gift, one possibly for wandersong, one is a collab that’s currently in the works, but I’m waiting on a friend to do their part before I can continue mine, 2 are UT related, and 2 (well, technically 3, but one is the collab) are KH related. It’s one of the UT ones that will probably get finished, if I’m being honest. It’s completely story boarded, and now I just need to ink and color it. I would like to get it done for UT’s 6th birthday, since I made a song comic on the fly for the anniversary this year, and it was fun, and I’d like to do it again! So, look forward to that next september~

 8) Make another enamel pin: I have a dolphin design I’d like to make because dolphins are cute, if not little murder machines. (need to save up some expendable income first, tho. THESE THINGS AIN’T CHEAP TO MAKE.)

 9 and 10) start and finish 2 original short comics: I’ve got some comic ideas I want to do, but I need to get them written out first. I don’t think either would be too long. Each maybe a couple “episode’s” length, if envisioned on a website like webtoons or tapas. They’d both be heavy in allegory, but not overly drawn out (hopefully)

 11)And lastly, Finish the 5 remaining one-shots I had planned for this year but never got around to. I’m going to try to write one every other month. Pure self-indulgent shipping fluff. If I finish these 5, then maybe I’ll ask other people for more prompts and ideas, which I’ve never done before. We’ll see how it goes~

 Also, Like last year, I’d like to look at everything that’s happened to me this year, though to be honest, I’m not sure how much I remember/how accurate it’ll be. God, I don’t even remember what January was like. Who was I back then? Who were we all back then? I guess I’ll start my yearly retrospective in march because, heh, god we ALL know what started happening in march.

 Firstly, I paid off my last student loan! Then a week later on March 18th, I drove half an hour out of my city to adopt a cat and I love her and it was the best day of this year for me. Spring break is just beginning this weekend, but the attendance at the zoo is shockingly low this year. Apparently, a lot of people watch the news, and they’re all taking precautions about social distancing. I wasn’t too disappointed. Fewer people at the zoo, the easier my job is for me. I was looking forward to getting some free overtime on spring break, since I’m broke after paying off that loan, and I’m a cat parent now and have a furry child to feed. Monday rolls around. My manager calls me and tells me that the zoo is going into lockdown until further notice. I worry for the birds I take care of, but understand it’s for everyone’s safety.

 For two months I sleep in and watch way too much YouTube. I join a couple writing discords. I have nightmares about my birds escaping their enclosure and I dreamed one of the security guards I really like at the zoo gets covid and has to go to the ER. I woke up really upset.

 I started and finished BBS for the first time. I also replayed and finished KH2 final mix for the first time. It had been about 5 years since I last played KH2 before my PS2 died, and it was like coming home~ I also finished tearaway, and played and beat Ryme for a second time (which I can’t remember if I did that last year, but it was a fun experience regardless)

 Mid-June, and I’m allowed to start going back to work, be it on reduced hours. The zoo is still closed to the public, but I’m loving it! I get to work with full-time keepers and do full-time keeper things. It’s so much fun not having to deal with the public. August starts to creep up and there’s a rumor that the zoo will be opening to the public again, which I’m not stoked about. I don’t want to go back to standing in one exhibit all day, talking to guests who don’t listen to the rules or to me. 2 of my younger coworkers (who had both only been there a couple of months) get chosen for full-time positions, while I get passed up which really pisses me off. My other 2 coworkers quit when they think we might be reopening because they cannot risk catching the virus due to at-risk family. I am now the last keeper in the interactive bird exhibit.

 I keep working, the zoo slowly opens, but with me as the only interpreter in our interactive bird exhibit, we can’t open because I can’t run the entire exhibit by myself. So my exhibit stays closed. September comes and goes, and then October starts. Now there is more serious talk of opening my exhibit before the end of the year because the zoo expects to bring in larger crowds for the Christmas lights event in November/December. I ask if I get hazard pay or health insurance since I’m doing full-time hours until they hire more staff. They say no.

 I immediately start searching for a new job feeling incredibly indignant/hurt/slighted/insulted/used/abused/ALL the negative feelings at my job. I had been there for 4 years, but never got a chance to work full time, while the two newest hires who had only been there 2 months both got moved up. I can’t help but feel they were holding one mistake I made two years ago against me and never wanted to give me a chance. (that, or they knew I was reliable when it came to showing up for work in such a volatile position that sees a lot of new faces, and they didn’t want to bother going through the process of hiring someone new) I don’t want to risk my life working around guests who don’t wash their hands and don’t properly distance. I don’t want to gamble with my health when they won’t offer me health insurance because I’m part time.

 Mid October, I get an interview for a full time job and get hired on the spot. I peace out at the zoo 2 weeks later, literally 3 days before they planned to open my exhibit to the public. It was a close call for me to escape before they opened to the public (and pettiness was only partially the reason I dipped out so close to opening). Sorry new hires who are now in charge of the bird feeding exhibit. I taught you the best I could in the short time I had. If the managers are struggling with what to do with one less person, I can’t say I feel bad. I can only hope they delayed opening/closed you down again for your own safety. You are not lightbulbs. I really hope the higher ups stop considering you as replaceable as one. Will I go back to the zoo to visit? Probably. But not for a year at least.

 I started my new job the very next day after I quit the zoo, and have been there ever since, (which isn’t that long yet, tbh. Christmas day was my 2 month anniversary). It’s full time, but it’s also a small business, and everyone’s hours this year have been on the short side due to the plague. I understand, though. They don’t want us to work if they can’t afford to pay us. Everyone is nice enough, though some people smoke and it’s hard to avoid them with how frequently we have to go in and out, and I really don’t want to get lung cancer, sorry not sorry, please and thank you. Also, with such a small team, gossip is certainly harder to go undetected, so it’s a relief knowing people don’t talk behind one another’s backs.

 I participated and beat my 4th nanowrimo in a row, I made TWO apple crisps on thanksgiving, and made baklava on Christmas and both of these recipes were my first time making them, and they both came out adequately! I voted the first day of early voting, and I did an art trade/collab with two of my friends for my birthday! (normally we would have done monthly “art days” where we get together and do art projects for fun because we’re adults and we can spend our time together however we want, but the plague said otherwise this year) We drew pokemon and it was fun! (hopefully I can show you all the results soon. At the time of writing, I’m still waiting for the last two colored parts to get back to me)

 I reached 100 pages on my undertale comic, and finish the first arc out of…! (im not sure. It’s either going to be 4 or 5, I haven’t decided yet)

 Over all, I managed to stay healthy as far as I know. I wasn’t as productive as I wanted to be this year, but then again, who was? (don’t answer that. I don’t need that kind of comparison in my life right now)

 Will 2021be any better? Honestly? I don’t think so. Not right away, at least. Just because a new year is about to start does not mean the slate is completely wiped clean. The change of the calendar year doesn’t magically make all our current problems disappear. Covid will still be here and cases will still climb when January starts. Small business will still be strained when the month rolls over, police will still go on murdering innocent civilians and getting away scot free, amazon and disney will still be monopolizing all consumer goods and media, and I can’t help but feel like there’s an impending shit show about to go down on inauguration day. I do hope things will get better, though. It’ll be arduous and unpleasant, but I do hope things will improve, because sometimes hoping is all you can do.

 Good night.

[dailyaudiobible]

01/01/2021 DAB Transcript

Genesis 1:1-2:25, Matthew 1:1-2:12, Psalms 1:1-6, Proverbs 1:1-6

Today is January 1st welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. Happy New Year. Welcome…welcome aboard. We are about to set sail on a journey that we will be on together for the next 365 days, a full year to allow the earth to move its way all the way around the sun, a full year to live into and live life together and a full year to insert the Scriptures into an important part of our day, every day, informing what the year is going to look like. And believe me, well, if this is your first go around, if this is the first time you're like, “yup. This is going to be my year. I’m gonna read the whole Bible.” You’re gonna find that it…if you do that it's gonna touch everything about your life. Sticking to this every day for this next year will be probably the most enlightening thing you've ever done in terms of learning about God certainly but learning about yourself and your context, and who God is and who you are and where this is all going. These things come from daily interaction with the Scriptures. So, welcome aboard. And welcome back to those of you who have been taking this journey each year for years. Today is day one of the 16th trip, the 16th year, the 16th time through the Bible in a year here at the Daily Audio Bible. And if you’ve taken more than one journey, then you know that there are similarities and there are profound differences in every year because we are different. We are growing. We are changing. And the Bible seems to have this way of being immediate and relevant and present and even pressing into and challenging some of the things that we do and say and think. And that's a good thing because the Bible…the Bible’s a book, right? It’s this written book. It’s actually a book full of books, a collection of books that span thousands of years. And, so, we’re gonna meet a lot of people and we’re gonna watch their lives unfold, some in very short fashion, some in very long drawn out fashion. We’re gonna get to know a lot of people and we will watch the choices they make and where those roads lead only to find out how things changed. Those roads still go the same place. That gives us so much wisdom for the choices that we’re making because even the inconsequential choices go somewhere. And sometimes they go somewhere big that changes things altogether. We’ll see that in the Bible too. So, here we are…like opening the cover and getting to page 1. And all books have a beginning. And…and since the Bible is a book of books…well…there's lots of beginnings. And every time we come to the beginning of a new book we’ll try to talk about what we’re reading, where it sits in history, what's going on, why it's going on, give ourselves a little bit of context because one of the primary things we’ll find about the Bible is that understanding it, interpreting it, applying it to our lives, making it make sense or have any kind of effect on today you need context. Without context the Bible can get confusing. With context the Bible can blossom and bloom into the best friend we have ever had. So, as we open to page one basically we find the words, “in the beginning.” And is there a better way to start the story of this year, “in the beginning.”

Introduction to the book of Genesis:

That’s how the book of Genesis starts, the first book that we will encounter in the grouping of books known as the Old Testament. And by the way, we’ll read a little bit of the Old Testament, a little bit of the New Testament, a little bit of the Psalms, and a little bit of the Proverbs each day as we make our way through the journey. But Genesis is famous for being the first book, “in the beginning.” And normally what we think about when we think about Genesis is that it…it tells the story of creation. Ironically, that's like only a small part of the story of Genesis. The book of Genesis covers more time than any of the other books in the Bible. So, after we read the origin story, we’ll still have another 2500 years contained within the pages of Genesis, which is more time covered then the rest of the Old Testament combined. So, the first 11 chapters of Genesis will cover a couple thousand years and a couple thousand miles before slowing down and we’ll begin to focus on several specific generations of people that will…that we need to focus on because they shape the rest of the Bible and they influence our world until this very day. And I was just talking about groupings of books. Like the Old Testament is a grouping of books and the New Testament is a grouping of books, but there are subgroupings of these books within the larger…within the larger context. And, so, Genesis is a part of a group of books known as the Torah or the Pentateuch. And these books are Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy. And by the way, if you're using the Daily Audio Bible app…and if you’re not, try it out. The Daily Audio Bible app is the portal into community here. It's the…in the palm of your hand all things Daily Audio Bible. But within the Daily Audio Bible app you can check off the days that you've listened to. And as you stack those up each and every day as we move through these different groupings of books when we complete them, we will be awarded a badge that tells us you’ve completed this particular section of the Bible. So, this is where you are. This is what you completed. This is how many percent are completed of the New Testament and the Old Testament and the whole Bible. All that is right there to show us, to give us the sense that we’re progressing through because we are. So, make sure you have that as we begin this journey. And we will have plenty…we will have more than plenty to talk about as we make the journey, but I think I’ve given us enough of a flyover for right this minute. We've come here and we come here each day for the Scriptures, and we make a habit of making that the centerpiece because it is the centerpiece. It's the reason that were here. And, so, let's dive in on this January 1st on the first day of the year. We will read from the New Living Translation for the rest of this week and we will rotate, we change translations each week. And I can talk about that a little bit the end, but we’re at the beginning of today. Genesis chapters 1 and 2.

Commentary:

Okay. So, in the book of Genesis today we read the story of creation, which is what Genesis is most famous for. But embedded in that narrative of the days of creation and what God was forming and fashioning we see over and over is that His intent was that it was good, that what He created was good. He looked at it and saw that it was good. And then when He created humanity in His own image. I mean that’s straight out of the book of Genesis, “let us create man in our own image.” So, when He creates mankind, He looks upon it and says this is very good. Like this exceptional, this is exceptionally good.” So, right from the beginning, right from the beginning of the story we are introduced to God and we are introduced to a God that creates good things and takes pleasure in good things. What we see is that this was the intent. This was the plan, that it is good, and that the creation was good even very good, exceptionally good. This is our starting point. But this needs to carry us forward, that God is good and what God does is good and just and right. And not only that, that God's intention was for us to be very good. We’ll have to wait a couple of days. It’s not gonna take that long for us to figure out what happened to that plan. So, we’ll stay tuned here in the book of Genesis for the next couple of days.

We also began the book of Matthew today. And I mentioned earlier that, you know, when we come to the beginning of a new book we’ll talk about each of these books. The fact of the matter is that this is January 1st and we’re starting four new books as well as a brand-new year so there’s a lot of ground to cover. So, we’ll talk about Matthew tomorrow and then we'll talk about the other two books, Psalms, the next day and Proverbs the day after that. Kind of getting ourselves moved in and just, yeah, unpacking our bags and getting settled in our quarters because this is gonna be a voyage that we’re on and we’re gonna sail out into the deep all the way across the year, but we’re just releasing the anchor, like we’re just getting out of harbor here. So, we are inside of land. We’re just getting settled in and we’ll do that over the next couple of days. But in the book of Matthew today we began reading the origin story of the birth of Jesus the Savior, the son of God, God made flesh. This God that we've read about in the book of Genesis, this good God with good intentions who had created an exceptional humanity in His own image…well…as the story goes, things get a little bit sideways and backwards and this God comes in person to make things right in the person of Jesus. And, so, that's the narrative we are beginning in the book of Matthew. And, so, today, you know we had this little section of genealogy. And what we were doing is reading really the names from the beginning all the way to the generations that that led up to Jesus. And we read a bunch of names and they maybe weird names, but we’re gonna to get to know all of those people. This won’t be the last time we read their names. Some of them we’ll get to know very well.

Then we turn the book of Psalms today and where just told “O the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked or stand around with sinners or join in with mockers.” Like right out of the gate we’re getting this profoundly simple but profoundly true advice. “Those who delight in the law of the Lord and meditate upon it, their lives are like trees planted along a riverbank.” Alright. So, that's a metaphor we can understand. A good source of water, a good source of nourishment and they bear fruit in each season and their leaves don’t wither. Like that’s a good metaphor. We’ve just gone through a year of withering challenges, right? If our lives are planted and rooted by a riverbank with life-giving water, then it’s sustained us through this. And, so, if that's not the case, then we've been withering, and we've stumbled and fell our way here to find some nourishment from the Bible to try to just keep going forward. And that's fine because this is day one of being planted by a riverbank giving life-giving water and our leaves will never wither if we will stay rooted in that place. And the Bible will continually challenge that and show us how to do it.

And then we turn to the final section of Scripture, the Proverbs, and we learned why we would want to read the book of Proverbs. And what we’ll find is that the Proverbs can speak volumes in one sentence. It can just cut to the chase, cut right through all the crap and get right to the heart of the matter immediately. And, so, we’re told today the purpose of the Proverbs to teach people wisdom and discipline, to help them understand the insights of the wise. Their purpose is to teach people to live disciplined and successful lives, to help them do what is right, just and fair, to give insight to the simple, knowledge and discernment to the young. I want that. My hands up. Like I'm on board with that. Are we not all on board with that? What would it look like to walk in wisdom this year, to be wise in the things that we say and think and do this year. That could be a profound game changer, to have wisdom at the ready instead of just reacting to everything that comes our way, to actually have foreknowledge and wisdom. And when things come flying at us we have the wherewithal to consult wisdom and understand we don’t have to get bowled away by this. We have choices and we’re going to make wise. And, so, this is day one and the Bible is already speaking about how to live this life as we go into the future. So, that's our day. That's our day one.

And I just want you to know I’m grateful. I'm grateful we have boarded this ship and we all are gonna…are gonna sail across the year together, and that over the next weeks, we will settle in and move into the year and settle into the rhythm of the Bible being a part of our lives every day and settle into the fact that this is not a solitary endeavor. We are not alone. There are tens and tens and tens of thousands of us who are taking this journey together and we’re gonna get to know each other. Surprising as that might be, we’re gonna get to know each other over the course of the year. So, many stories will unfold before us in each other's lives that it won't be too long before we realize we’re falling in love with each other because we’re a community centered around one goal and that goal is to go through the Bible together and allow it to shape our lives. So, we are a community that's moving in the same direction and on the same page, literally. We’re all going through this together. And the truth of the matter is we’re all facing challenges, all of us. All of us are facing challenges. We all got here and boarded on this voyage for this year for a reason. Some of us have been taking the voyage for years. And we know how profoundly the Bible can impact a year. Some of us are just here for the first time having maybe grown up in the faith of the having been believers for a long time but acknowledging the fact that like 98% of believers in the world have never read the Bible, not the whole thing, not even anywhere close. And, so, this is the year. This is the year to find out what it really says. This is the year to let it speak on its own behalf in its own context.

And then…then there are those of you brothers and sisters who don't even know why you're here. This isn't your thing. Religion is something that you’ve sworn off a long time ago. You don't really want any of this…you’re just super curious about what an ancient holy book like…like it's basically life’s not working out as it is, so there needs to be something else, and maybe that something else, who knows…who knows maybe that something else is in the Bible. Maybe there's something there. What does it really say? What does it really mean? Where does it really lead people? How does it shape people's convictions? Maybe that's you. Welcome aboard. We are gonna have so much fun exploring those questions and peeking into those motivations and understandings.

And then there are those of you who have crawled here…and…your fingernails are bloody from just dragging yourself across the new year just…just committed to trying to make it through 2020. And you’re just here on your hands and knees, you have no more energy. Welcome. You have come to the right place. You are no longer alone, and you will not be alone during this journey at all. We all had a rough time of it last year. And…and maybe it's not just last year maybe it's the last decade or maybe it's as long as you can remember, and this is that. Like, there’s…something's got to give, something's got to change. And, so, with all the hope that you had left your spending it here and saying, “I'm gonna give a shot to the Bible. I don't even know what’s's gonna happen or what's really going on but I’m gonna give a shot to it because everything else is hopeless and this is it.

I get it. So many of us get it. That's how so many of us got here just with nowhere else to turn. But that sort of sick feeling in our stomach that God is so angry at us. We’ve messed things up so bad that if He's even there He's mad. And how do you even find your way into some sort of relationship, some sort of understanding that He's there and that…that He is actually good in that He does actually care and that He might actually look upon us as very good creations. Just doesn't feel like that. Feels like He's angry and that He's mad and that we keep failing and we cannot get it together more than one day. Maybe we can hold it together for 24 hours but then we’re gonna fall down again in some sort of way, And, so, we live our lives believing there is a God and believing that He's mad because we are failures. That’s not who God is. That's not the God that the Bible will introduce and is introducing to us. That's not what's going on here. God, the Bible will tell us, is love. And love Jesus will tell us is how we are to be known, how the world will know that we are following Christ is by our love. And maybe you're here and you don't like even the name, the idea, the word Christian because that's the last thing you have ever witnessed out of Christian people. That’s not what you’re gonna find here and I’m sorry about that actually. I think we all are. I think we've all had those experiences at one point or another. And it's hard because it's a broken world full of broken people and broken people break things. And we’re all guilty, all of us. But the way of Jesus is the pathway of love, loving your enemies, loving your neighbor as yourself, loving your God with all of your heart, mind, soul and strength.

And, so, I’m telling you, just hang out here for a while. Just hang out here. Just rest here. What you’ll find is that this becomes an oasis. The Daily Audio Bible every day becomes an oasis for us. We call it the Global Campfire. We all just come here to a safe place, a calm serene space in our lives that we can turn to each day knowing that the chaos may be happening all around the world, but we have a safe place to gather that’s virus free, pandemic free, but we’re all here together healing, mending, growing, becoming. And it is a joy, it is an honor, a true privilege to take this journey with you. And I’m telling you, no matter how you got here, this may be your 15th trip through. No matter how you got here. You may have crawled across the finish line of the year like I said. If we’ll let it love will find a way.

Song:

Find Our Way - Paul Alan

[awesomelephuoclocblog-blog]

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[iron-parkr]

2020 Writing Goals

So I’ve been thinking a lot about the new year, as one does. I have some goals, both in my writing and in running this blog, that I want to work toward and accomplish next year. You can ignore this if you don’t care, I won’t mind. I just figured I’d share these with y’all so you know where my head’s at going into 2020 (and also if any of my mutuals or followers want to take the plunge with me or at least offer encouragement and such, but again, you don’t have to.)

Writing:

I want to write every single day of 2020. I’ve already gotten into a good habit the past few months, but the big goal is to get words on the page 365 days in a row.

Going off of number 1, I want to write at least 200-250 words a day. Again, I’ve been doing that for a while, but I’ve been leaving them until right before I go to bed and by then I feel pressured because I just want to sleep and the end result isn’t quite what I want it to be, so I want to make an effort to break that habit

My overall word goal for the year (specifically for The Spaces Between) is 100,000 words. The goal for each individual month is 10,000 words. That technically averages to about 333 words a day, but as a full-time undergraduate student with fluctuating daily schedule (this semester, for example, I have 1 class Monday/Wednesday, 4 classes Tuesday/Thursday, and no classes on Friday), 200-250 is an easier commitment.

If I’m able to with my schedule, I want to post monthly updates on my progress. I’m not sure how yet, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out. That being said, I know that things like that can sometimes make other writers question their abilities, make them feel bad for not being productive or feel like they’re not writing enough, or just generally lose confidence in themselves and their writing, so, should I choose to do monthly updates, if anyone ever feels that the updates make them upset or uncomfortable, please tell me right away and I’ll stop. It’s not my intention to hurt anyone else.

I want to try to have a fairly regular update schedule for The Spaces Between, the story for which I have the most material going into the new year. It might take me some time to figure out, but I’m really hoping to make it happen.

In a slightly similar vein, I want to post at least 1 chapter for every OC I’ve created thus far. After that I’ll work on each one as my muse comes and goes.

iron-parkr:

I’m going to make an effort to reblog every single OC related post that comes across my dash. Every single one. I’ll also leave a comment or two in the tags, even if it’s for fandom I’m not part of or story I haven’t read. We’re a community. We need to support one another and lift each other up, not tear each other down, and if I can help even a little, then I’ve done my job as a member of the community.

I’ll also be reading and reviewing/commenting on as many fics as I possibly can. Any that come across my dash, even if I’ve never heard of the fandom before. Every writer deserves feedback and positivity.

I want to come up with a schedule for edits, aesthetics, etc. Even if it’s just once a week. I personally don’t care about trying to stay “relevant” or any of the other crap that people typically associate with posting a lot. I just want to share my OCs and share the love I have for them.

I am very slowly but surely learning how to make gifs and all that that entails, so I’m hoping to improve my skills in Photoshop and make gifsets for my and other OCs.

I want to make things for other people, too! Everyone in this community has so many awesome OCs and ideas and I want to celebrate that. So I’m going to try my best to make things for other writers. I’ll post more about it when the time comes, but my birthday is at the end of January and I want to do a giveaway for the awesome people in the OC community who have been so welcoming to me the past month or so. But there’ll be more on that later.

Again, you can ignore this if you want. I just wanted to share and let y’all know my plans for 2020

[sights9]

I recently got into dark shadows (or the idea of it?) in the past few days. Where can I watch all the episodes? How do you recommend I break them down? Have you seen all of the original series

The only online service I know of that offers ALL episodes is the exclusive Dark Shadows streaming service

It’s also on Amazon Prime, starting at episode 210.

People have also uploaded swaths of episodes on Dailymotion, I don’t want to name names here but a good number of episodes in the ~400-500 and ~750-1245 range are there. Most of the 700-800 ones have audio that is unwatchably out of sync though.

This isn’t full episodes but I have a playlist of clips on YouTube, organized by the episode they’re from.

As to the best way to break them up/where to start, episode 210 is by far the most common starting point and you can’t go wrong with that, but I’m of the opinion that it’s also fine to jump around and explore. Theres a lot of really fun and interesting stuff that some new people never get to because they get bored with the slow parts and give up. So don’t be afraid to look ahead and even skip episodes if things are getting tedious. Fans divide the show into 11 eras and loose arcs. I’ll list them here with a brief description and the episodes they start/end on.

Episodes 1-210: 1966, or Pre-Barnabas. Initially the show was about Victoria Winters, a young governess coming to a spooky old house, and not much happened. This part of the show is very slow and tedious, a lot of fans don’t ever bother watching it.

210-365: Introduction of Barnabas. Barnabas arrives on the show, and terrorizes the town with kidnappings and attacks. Dr. Julia Hoffman learns he’s a vampire and tries to cure him, with disastrous results.

366-460: 1795. Victoria is magically sent back in time to 1795, where she’s tried for witchcraft, and the audience learns Barnabas’s backstory. Introduction of Angelique.

461~636: Adam arc. Vicki is returned to the present. Barnabas manages to escape his vampire curse by syphoning it off into a Frankenstein creature that Julia and another doctor make for him. Angelique shows up in disguise to try and foil shit. Lots of other shenanigans happening.

627-700: Ghost of Quentin Collins. A werewolf comes to town, and two mysterious ghosts begin haunting Collinwood, possessing two children. As the arc progresses, the ghosts become more powerful, and Barnabas & Julia try to help the werewolf manage his condition. Introduction of Quentin.

701-885: 1897. In trying to communicate with Quentin the ghost, Barnabas inadvertently finds himself transported to 1897, to meet Quentin alive and in person. Widely considered the high point of the show, 1897 is densely packed and comparatively fast paced. Theres more vampire and werewolf action, a Phoenix lady, and the powerful, mad sorcerer Andreas Petofi.

885-980: Leviathan Arc. While returning from the past, Barnabas is kidnapped and brainwashed into being a cult leader for a group that calls themselves The Leviathans. They want to unleash eldritch and unfathomable beings to remake the world, and when Barnabas finally turns against them, they punish him by once more making him a vampire.

969-1060: 1970 Parallel Time. A time rift to a parallel universe has opened in one of the abandoned sections of Collinwood, and Barnabas thinks that if he can cross over, it will make him stop being a vampire. It doesn’t work, and Barnabas finds himself trapped and caught up in the lives of these alternate Collinses. Julia eventually crosses over as well to be with him.

1061-1109: Haunting of Gerard. Because of Barnabas & Julia’s meddling, everything goes to shit in Parallel Time and the two of them barely escape back through the rift. But they find themselves stranded in the future, in the year 1995. Collinwood is in ruins, haunted by a malicious spirit, and everyone is dead, missing, or insane. B and J finally get back to their own time, and try to unravel the mystery of what happened, and prevent it. The post apoc 1995 stuff is good but the rest kinda sucks, much of this story is just a rehash of the Quentin ghost story.

1110-1198: 1840. B & J fail to prevent the disaster, and go back to 1840 to try and change history. There they have to contend with the scoundrel Gerard Stiles, and warlock Judah Zachary, hellbent on destroying the Collins family. There’s a lot rehashed here too, and then at the end B & J go back to 1970 but the audience doesn’t, we go to

1199-1245: 1841 Parallel Time. 1841 in a parallel universe, where Barnabas was never a vampire so he’s dead and there are no characters from the main timeline. It’s Wurthering Heights meets The Lottery. Just like the Pre-Barnabas episodes, few fans watch this portion of the show.

I myself have not yet seen the 200 Pre-Barnabas episodes, or 1841 Parallel Time. I’m on 1840 right now in my current viewing though and hope to get to 1841PT and 1966 by the end of next year.

[jannepaule]

Practical Magic

I first learned about Chinggay Labrador through Candy Magazine and Summit Books' Popped series back in college. Years later I stumbled upon @practical_magical on Instagram where she does tarot stuff and well— practical magic.

Since then I've been curious about what the cards have in store for me but hesitated to book a reading for some reason until last December, I finally did it. #Yay! 

As the new decade begins and I turn twenty-five, I feel like a big chapter is opening up for me. I need new perspective on how to go about things and to allow paradigm shifts to happen (rough translation: what the heck am I gonna do with my life?) and so much fresh perspective is what I got. 

At beginning of the session, Chinggay explained that everything is connected and from there our conversation became free-flowing and all the cards that came up shown relevance, one way or another. 

We talked about career mostly but also goals and surprise, surprise the heart and internal shenanigans. 

Internal Battles

I knew that a lot my problems are internal. Admitting this out loud and discussing it for the first time with someone who won’t judge me seems like the first step to address the problem.  Since everything is internal, Chinggay said that I need to focus on the heart because it’s what needs balance right now. In every phase of our discussion, a card that represents the heart would come up.

8 of Cups – Just Walk Away: which meant letting go of emotional baggage that I probably don’t realize I still have up to this point (I thought I am done with this?!) and the feeling of comparing my life with others.

Ace of Cups – Let the Feelings Flow: Again, it’s the heart that needs help in terms of relationships and emotions. This is when she said something that I never considered but is actually true:  

“sometimes, naghahanap din tayo ng problem. When everything’s okay, sometimes we like a little bit of drama in our life” And I felt that. 

I also got the THE HIEROPHANT card which is the heart in the seven cards that represent my energies. The Hierophant is a teacher card and it is teaching me something right now.  She said that my heart is restless because there are so many things inside that needs to be communicated, hence, The Chariot Card appeared which tells me to speak up. 

"You can’t expect other people to read your mind, kailangan mong magsalita" , Chinggay said.

Getting a clarity on my heart’s situation made me realize where to start in navigating through my feelings and thoughts and that is from the inside. 

Goals: l Pacing and Progress

Career Growth

Career has been the main topic of our discussion. The first card I got for career is the Queen of Pentacles: Earth Mama. Chinggay said that I need to be in a situation where I feel taken care of and if my job affords a certain level of stability, it should be the bare minimum. That is exactly where I am right now. I’m in a much better place compared to my previous job and I am thankful for that every day. 

It is just that I am also starting to feel stuck and I wanted to know how to grow from here. I was told that it’s normal that my head is starting to question because I am hitting twenty-five, but not every thought needs to be acted on, as the Taming the Tiger: Do Not Let Your Fire Consume you card suggested, the card represents my mind.

The other cards relating to my career that came up where all pretty on point too. 

Page of Pentacles: RESPONSIBLE OBSERVER. This card represents my past and it could mean that I got into the job because it’s the responsible thing to do. Maybe the initial purpose of it (whether it might be because it’s the right thing/adult thing/grown-up thing to do) must have been fulfilled that is why I am starting to feel that I need to move on somehow.

Knight of Wands: Fire Cracker. The Knight of Wands is very impulsive and a travelling card, always wanting to leap which says a lot about my current situation.

SPACE EXPLORATION: Respect the Space available for Growth. This card represents the body. It means that I may feel trapped/confined but where I am right now has so much space available space to grow.

A change of perspective is all I need. I realized how I’ve been so focus in making changes in my current role at work that I am forgetting that I could still grow in other areas of my life.

★ Practical Magic tip: Your tendency to want to do something different doesn’t have to be related to your job/work. If you feel that your energy is getting stale, find a way to channel it to other avenues. Hold on to where you are first and exercise growth and adventure in other area.

The World. I got The World card for my future. It’s the last one in the major cards and the culmination of everything. It means that I am ending certain milestones in my life and it really feels like that. She told me that I need to look forward in the wrapping up of this chapter.

She further explained that this is leading to something bigger than what I can see from where I am. "The world is literally in your hands and if you waited out, you'll see it’s worth" she said. All the growth I am looking for will lead me to this world. This future. And this isn’t just about career but all other aspects of my life as well which left me feeling hopeful and thrilled to say the least.

Driving 

When we tackled goals, it’s weird that I didn’t mention losing weight and learning how to swim when these have been on my list in the past five years. Instead I told her about learning how to drive first, as if it has been on top of my head and it’s what my intuition is telling me all along. I almost want to give up on this goal but it’s funny how it connects my past, and how it could unlock so much possibilities in my current situation towards the future I am moving towards to: the world. 

Although I got The Chariot card as one of the seven cards that represents my energies, the card has an actual car pictured on it. I also got the 8 of Wands: Getting in the Fast Lane for my intuition card, which means moving and picking up pace already. If I think more how everything is connected, these two cards are pointing towards the driving. I need to take that lessons already.

★ Practical Magic Tip: Instead of setting of a specific time, set monetary goal for the driving lessons. Set aside specific amount of money each month until I reach the amount I needed to enroll for the driving classes, even if it’s not yet this year. (this is because I told her that instead for paying for the lessons, I tend to spend the money to other stuff aka travels. This made more sense and it seem more achievable. Discipline though!)

This tip actually opens another perspective not just in achieving the driving thing but in other goals as well. I realized that another internal problem I have is that I tend to box myself and my goals in the 365 days that only leads to disappointment when I don’t reach them by the end of the year. I didn’t realize that this is one of the “self-limiting mindset” I have when I was answering the Braver Goals workbook last January. Another aha! moment for me; new and important take on how to set out my plans for the next years. 

Saving up (for the House)

Saving up is a goal that has been on my list forever. Saving up for the house is something else, something bigger. I think I mentioned this because of the recent talks with my parents about our house. The cards I got honestly didn’t quite resonate with me at the moment but the gist of it is to not give up on the dream. It may not happen in the next few years, but I need to keep the house as the image in my head to keep striving.

Chinggay also explained that some of our goals are not just about the physical manifestation of what we want to achieve but it also means a lot symbolically. The driving could mean freedom from the discomfort of being stuck literally and figuratively. The house means stability and security and whether or not the house come to fruition, I would be able to find another way to find security and stability along the way—which made a lot of sense right?

As I learned through the reading, I thought that maybe learning how to swim also symbolizes being able to move around and being free, still related to removing myself from being stuck.

HOMEWORK 

To wrap up the session, Chinggay gave me a “homework”. From the deck, I picked three cards for: what I need to do, what I need to stop doing, and what I am doing right.

THE TOWER represents unexpected changes. What I need to do is to be that change instead of waiting for an outside force to make it happen. Maybe this part is called homework because I am really thinking about what I need to become that change that I need. 

8 OF WANDS: IN THE FAST LANE. Getting this card for what I need to stop doing conflicts with what my intuition is saying that I need to start moving fast. I think it surprised both me and Chinggay a little when this appeared, but she was able to explain it in a way that made so much sense.

My intuition is telling me that I need to pick up pace but my logic is always checking on how fast I am moving. I admitted to her that this is another internal problem I have: I tend to compare my speed with others and I don’t appreciate that I am actually moving. 

What I need to stop doing is putting pressure on myself about how fast I go. 

★ Practical Magic Tip: Stop measuring yourself in feet and in yards if your movement is really in inches. As long as you are doing things to get you moving, it’s fine.

THE EMPRESS. The Empress knows how to take care of herself, like the Queen of Pentacles that is all about self-care but she’s also very creative and restful. Your logic might be telling you that you are supposed to be hitting milestones already but the Empress moves through life in a relaxed manner. If that’s your pace, let it be your pace. This is what I am doing right. I think The Empress is spirit card. 

Other Practical Magic tips (and tricks):

8 of Wands: In the Fast Lane – This card represents my intuition and Chinggay said that my relationship to my intuition is strong because I pay attention to the discomfort. It is telling me that something needs to change and I need to pick-up pace. This when she said: 

“Baka kasi ang bagal ng mga nangyayari ngayon, na sobrang stable. Naghahanap ka ng something to make your heart feels like it’s beating again” And girl, this speaks to me on a different level.

7 of Swords – Watch Your Back. The card that represents my motivation is telling me to have fun but watch out for the feeling of passiveness which is the anxiety that is starting to creep me up right now. Ask yourself what makes you passionate, find that something that makes you excited. And your passion is not even about your purpose in life because purpose changes (five years ago, five years forward), she explained.

7 of Cups – Day Dream Believer. This one is for purpose in life and priority.  It’s saying to keep dreaming, keep aspiring and adding goals to your list. Give yourself new dreams.

8 of Swords – Trapped but Not Really. This card represents my creativity center, another one of the cards that represent my energies. It means that you are not as stuck as you think as you are. You need to have more fun to remind yourself that there is so much room for growth. (still relating to my career and feeling being stuck, amirite?)

7 of Pentacles – PATIENCE. This card came up when we’re discussing the driving goal. It tells me to be patient and give myself time and maybe not just about the driving but with the other goals as well. It also says a lot about my struggle with pacing. I need to be patient with own progress and my own pace.

#NoFilter: ASK THE QUESTIONS, PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE ANSWER. Repeating cards are like underlines that give emphasis to its message and I got this #NoFilter Card twice which I think also relates to the chariot card that is telling me to speak-up. All of this is just a way to get to know yourself better and the answers will help you in the next five years of your life when you enter your thirties she told me.

#NoFilter: MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. This one came up when we’re talking about career and I think it should also fall under what I should stop doing. I tend to compare myself with others (or with just one particular person, tbh) that is why I am questioning my pace and progress.

The Death Card

Death card means that certain things need to die in order to make new things. Out of all the cards we pulled in this reading, this is the one that left the biggest question: 

“what are you willing to give up? What are you willing to sacrifice? Think of the things you need to let go so you can explore new things”

It seems big and daunting at first, in terms of stability it’s impulsive shopping and eating out where all my money goes that derail my goals. As for my internal battles, these feelings and thoughts that are weighing me down and holding me back. There is so much of it that I need to let go to be honest and on top of everything, old bad habits need to die to.

Since the death card is in the middle of all the cards, it means that I am in the middle of change. I must remember that I am in the process of getting there: the world. I don’t need to experience everything right now. 

The entire session has been quite enlightening. So much of the answers are inside of me and I know some them already but sometimes I just need another person to emphasize to me for it to make sense. More than what the cards says, Chinggay gave so much practical advices and did wonderful job in reading and explaining them for me. I am so grateful and glad that I took this chance. 

Having someone else offer a fresh perspective on to go about m minus the prejudice on how to look at life is exactly what I needed and doing this now seemed like the right time. 💖

I know that I won’t be able to figure out everything all at once but at least I know where to start directing my energies to. There is so much more to learn but as what she told me, “you don’t need to know all the answers right now.”

I’m in the process of discovering myself, still a work in progress.

If you reached the end of this very long post, thank you. I hope you get something out of it, too. And if you are interested in practical magic readings, you can find her website here.

P.S. She used PM Starter Deck, Quiet Mystic, and #NoFilter deck for our session.

[365daysofsasuhina]

[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day One Hundred Thirty-Four: I Never Expected ___ ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata, Uchiha Itachi ] [ SasuHina ] [ Verse: Best Years of Your Life ] [ AO3 Link ]

None of this was ever supposed to happen.

When they met, there’s was a strange kind of...connection. Sometimes that happens with kids. You shove two together, and in five minutes it’s like they’ve known each other their whole lives. And that’s exactly how it had been with Sasuke and Hinata, ever since that fateful day they became neighbors. There’d just been that...click between them. And of course, where one brother went, the other followed: the trio were a little troupe of tiny friends.

At least...until the fateful day Mikoto and Fugaku were lost.

Sasuke had never faced much loss until then. Never had any pets to practice grieving. Never parted from any friends. Suddenly a huge chunk of his world was just...gone.

And he felt gone with it.

He withdrew from everyone and everything...except his brother. They clung to each other like tiny sailboats loose in a hurricane of grief. When his aunt and cousin came to live with them, he hardly paid them any mind for the longest time. Nothing mattered. His pain drowned out everything else.

Even his best friend.

He’d known about Hinata losing her mother. It was one of the first things he learned about her. But back then, he had no concept of such a loss. His young mind couldn’t wrap around it, too centralized on his own experiences and life. Maybe if he’d been little older...he would have remembered that. Realized that, beyond his brother, Hinata knew just how he felt.

...but instead, he left her behind.

School was a fog. He went, he learned, he came home. Spoke to almost no one. Did the bare minimum to participate and pass. As the years slowly crawled by, little changed. The fog lessened, but his disinterest in it all was ever-present. He didn’t care about relationships: friends, girlfriends, sports teams...nothing. He just coasted through his days on a strange kind of autopilot, blinkers on to blind him to everything else.

Even her.

Eventually his apathy turned darker. He turned to loud, distracting music. Dark and gruesome movies, video games, anything to try and fit an aesthetic that he convinced himself was suited for him. But even then, there was still an overreaching numbness. Though he no longer actively mourned his parents, the hole they’d left remained. The edges were scabbed over, scarred and tough...but the gap was still as wide as the day they died.

Then...something happened.

He’d taken up guitar when he started high school. Why? Well, he did like music. Rock, mostly. But part of it, he would admit, was just...fitting a mold. An image. A reputation. He was practicing a long-forgotten ballad in the late hours of an evening. His mother’s favorite song. And little did he know, he had an audience across the tiny gap of yard between their houses. It wasn’t apparent until he looked up, spying her spying and watching as she recoiled and...hit her head.

...it was so reminiscent of how she’d been when they were younger. To his honest surprise, he didn’t flinch back from her. Teased her, even.

For a moment, it was like they never stopped talking at all. But then she asked if it was real. If he would just go back to pretending she didn’t exist come tomorrow.

And he realized...he didn’t want that. Not anymore.

So he told her to come home.

Slowly, things...went back to normal. If you could call it normal. There was, admittedly, still a kind of distance between them. It was like two wild animals meeting after years of separation. They edged around each other cautiously, not quite sure if what they were seeing was what they remembered.

But then it all started coming back.

They started hanging out after school. Meeting up between classes. Talking, laughing, letting their guards down. Maybe still a bit nervous they’d realize they’d each changed too much to remain friends, but...in reality - in the ways that counted - they really hadn’t changed at all.

She was like a breath of fresh air. Sure, he had Naruto...the thorn in his side he still called friend. Their friendship was more like...a habit. A routine. The same old thing over and over again. But Hinata didn’t feel that way. He looked forward to seeing her, hearing about her day, reminiscing and just...enjoying each other’s company.

Sasuke started sneaking her out at night: the one thing he didn’t share with anyone else. Not even Naruto. The night was his and his alone. Silence, stillness, solitude. But she fit alongside it all perfectly. Unobtrusive, as always. She never felt out of place.

And yet he always noticed when she wasn’t there.

He’s not really sure when he noticed. If it was gradual, or hit him all at once. But when he glanced over to look at her that night, her own face so lit up with excitement at the streaks of light across the night sky, it all sank into place.

...he loved her.

It almost felt selfish to think. He’d abandoned her for so long. Left her alone. No word of goodbye, no explanation...even if maybe the latter wasn’t necessary. It still felt like he’d done her wrong.

...and he did.

In truth, he’d had no intention to ask her out that night. It just...happened. And to both his fear and elation...she’d said yes.

For a time, nothing really...changed. Neither of them knew what steps to take. Then one day, he held her hand. Another, she brushed hair out of his eyes, the pair caught staring before retreating apart bashfully. And it was unspokenly agreed that they wouldn’t tell anyone. At least, not to start.

That didn’t stop Itachi from noticing right away. But he was always uncannily good at reading his little brother.

“I never expected you to finally realize what you felt about her.”

That earned the elder a scowl. “...meaning?”

“And here I thought it was rather obvious from the beginning. But...well, we know what happened then. So perhaps it’s not so hard to imagine, picking up where you left off. I’m glad you’re making progress, Sasuke. I’m sure she missed you just as ardently as you missed her.”

“...yeah...I think you’re right.”

In all honesty...he never expected this either. To fall in love with her.

But here he is.

And this time...no more leaving her behind.

Not again.

     Late again, oof @~@      More narrative-style modern stuff. Not quite what I envisioned when I started, but...sometimes you gotta just crank it out, lol - my eyeballs are screaming and I need to sleep. So we'll just call it there, and hope tomorrow is better, aaha.      Anywho, thanks for reading~

[lucijade]

2019.

Never have I ever lived a year that I felt as though I needed to write about, but I guess there's a first for everything- right? On January first of 2019 I wouldn't have believed you if you told me I'd be where I am now. I was home visiting from college wishing I could tell my parents that I was too anxious to even go to my classes. But I didn’t want to let them down. They were so proud of me for going to college and ‘setting an example for my younger siblings’. So, I didn't. I continued to live that lie and I had accepted my fate. I was sleeping in my younger sisters bed because my room was non existent anymore (my siblings were betting on my old room before I even was accepted into college.) I desperately wanted someone to confide in seeing as I had no friends. And then I met Patrick. From that first swipe I knew something big was coming.

It was like an earthquake that happens before a volcano erupts, I didn't know if that was going to be the whole show or if I should stick around. And let me tell you, am I glad I stuck around. Our first date we broke into a park -the most exhilarating thing I've ever done. Patrick wanted me to see his favorite place but being the workaholic he was, he couldn't catch the park while it was open. Climbing over that fence, I had never felt more right doing something wrong. Normally my anxious self would have laughed at the idea of it but I wanted to look cool for this boy I just met who was so much cooler than me. We sat looking at the ducks as they swam around in the pond. Everytime I heard a noise I’d look all around because I was so sure cops were going to come and take us to jail because we were in a park after close, but I loved it.

The day after our first date, I had to go back to college. Patrick and I texted the entire ride, planning when we would see each other again. First week back to classes, I continued my streak of being too anxious to go to classes. This time instead of hating myself for my anxiety, I had someone to talk to. I spent all my days wishing I was with Patrick and not alone. Then, there was a Greyhound leaving my college town in an hour. I booked it.

I was terrified. Never had I ever taken a public transportation that wasn't a school bus. This feeling of adrenaline manifested in my veins as I downloaded both the Greyhound and Uber apps. I punched my cards’ information into the apps as I haphazardly packed my bag that was bursting at the seams. Greyhound ticket? Bought. Uber? Ordered. I had that same feeling of adrenaline that I had when we were breaking into the park. My moms voice echoed in my head telling me to not meet strangers online. At this moment I decided I’m not telling her, in fact I wasn't going to tell anyone. I know, I could have ended up dead and no one would have known, but I lived to see another day!

I got the notification that the Uber had arrived and I embarked on my journey. The Uber driver and I talked about how this was an unexpected trip and I explained to him how I never do things without a plan. He said to me “yanno, some of the best trips I’ve ever been on were unexpected.” The Greyhound station was scary, I was alone with a six hour ‘layover’. No one knew where I was going besides me and Patrick, I felt like I was on a secret mission. The entire Greyhound trip was not as bad as I made it up to be in my head, it was even (dare I say) pleasant. When I arrived to the town Patrick lived in, we went back to his apartment where he had my favorite things: Hot Cheetos, a green Monster energy drink, and a huge stuffed sloth. He cooked me dinner and we stayed awake all night talking. We did nothing but hang out that entire weekend. It was perfect.

That weekend was only the first of many weekends to come, I would not go to classes, talk to Patrick, then visit him on the weekends and repeat. After about a month of doing this, I decided I was going to drop out of college. I never really wanted to do college in the first place, I was always too scared to say what I wanted. I was scared of hurting other people's feelings, but I decided the debt wasn’t worth sparing someone else's feelings. A couple trips ago, Patrick had mentioned me moving in with him and I decided to take him up on his offer. I booked a one-way Greyhound and I threw my personal belongings in a bag. I decided I was going to surprise patrick. (great idea, I know) I got on the Greyhound knowing damn well I wasn't going to be back anytime soon. The whole time I texted patrick as if I were still in my dorm being miserable. Once I was off of the Greyhound, I ordered an Uber to Patrick's apartment. At this point he was catching on to my suspicious activity. I knock on his door at 9 o’clock at night. And then I just never left.

I was able to experience Patricks town through his lenses. He lived about a 30 minute drive away from where I grew up, so I had been here but I didn't know the ins and outs of the town. He showed me all these amazing food places, including this shawarma place right across the street that we admittedly ate too much of.

Eventually I had to get my horde of things from my dorm in my college town. The drive there is about four hours away from where Patrick lived. Seeing as we had no car, we were going to take a bus to my ex-college town and then U-Haul back down. We almost missed the bus there, we had to run a mile to catch the bus that was leaving in 5 minutes. We barely made the bus, and I was wheezing for a solid hour recuperating from the run. Once we arrived to my ex-college town we got Sonic, which was my guilty pleasure. After a couple corndogs and fries it was off to my old place of living. We quickly packaged all my things and took off. Before the long trek home, we stopped for gas. This is where I scraped and dented the entire side of the Uhaul, sending Patrick and I into a 40,000 dollar panic attack. Luckily, when we returned the U Haul, there were markings of previous damage in that very spot so we didn't end up with that charge. But, I was officially moved into Patricks apartment. It was now our home.

I've always been a self conscious gal when it came to my weight. I was always the heaviest set of all my friends but I always chalked it up to: my whole family was heavy set. Nevermind the bag of hot cheetos and my venti caramel frappuccino with extra caramel on the daily. Or if I was being healthy, a green Monster energy drink. (Yes the green part is important) In March of this year I decided I wasn't going to keep pitying myself, I was going to make a change. The way I looked and how awful I felt wasn’t going to change while I sat on my ass. I cut out all my sugary and snacky addictions right then and there. I started eating healthy and going to the gym. I was extremely serious and even more determined to prove myself wrong. I now occasionally allow myself some hot cheetos and even a coffee when we’re out sometimes. But I made the health decision that I never thought I’d be able to.

When summer time rolled around, I told my mom (keep in mind she thought I was in my college town this whole time) that I was going to move in with Patrick instead of moving home for the summer. She was weary but I didn’t really give her an option.I had to pretend like I was moving down here all over again, but I did it. I couldn't believe my lie has lasted and she still to this day doesn’t know that I was in this city for the first half of 2019. When August rolled around, my family was asking what my plans for the school were, seeing as I had no intention of going back to college. I told them that honestly I had no plans and that I was perfectly content with that. I have interests in many things including photography, videography, and traveling and I was determined to find something I could do in regard to one of those. Haven't gotten there yet but making progress.

This year has been the year of me making my own decisions. My whole life I’ve had long bleach blonde hair. Some time in 2017 I decided that I wanted short hair and bangs, so I told my mom this. As none of you know seeing as this is my first blog post, my mom is a hairdresser. A hairdresser who specialises in long blonde hair. While I was always thankful for getting my hair done for free (a treat some girls would die for) it wasn't fun not having the freedom with my hair that I desired. So, I bought some black box dye and booked a hairdresser appointment. Needless to say, I ended that day with a black bob with bangs. And I felt so cute and independent, not like the carbon copy my mom so wanted me to be.

Moving on with the timeline, Patricks lease was up. We didn't know if we wanted to move to Washington State or stay in this metropolitan city. We decided to stay in this town for now (leaving is a long term goal, just isn't in the cards right now). We moved to this two bedroom apartment which we desperately needed. We needed the space to go through our things and figured out what we had duplicates of and whatnot. Once that got all settled, I set my goals on minimalism, but that's a topic for another time.

I cut people out of my life that I had needed to for too long for my mental health. It was hard, but after doing it I no longer feel as though I carry the burden that was them.

I've grown into the kind of person I’ve always wanted to be this year, me 365 days ago wouldn't have believed you if you told me I was going to be where I am only a short year later. If I’ve learned one this year it is that if you want something, you need to do it. You can't wait for the opportunity to fall into your lap. You are the creator of your own future, so make it and make it sick.

-jay.

[letterstothestruggling]

Letters to love

[three months without you]

I haven't written anything since I left you (or did you leave me?), not really. I tried a couple of times, sometimes I'd get a few sentences down, but my heart wasn't in it. My head couldn't find the words or wouldn't, I don't know. It doesn't matter. I'm going to start today. I will write again. It may be about you, for you, but it might not be tomorrow. Or the day after. Maybe it always will be. The most beautiful sentences I have ever written were to you, so maybe it isn't even a bad thing. I will write novels, poems, short stories and series about you, dedicated to you, to my love for you. Or maybe it will be about me. About this darkness that won't let me go, about finding happiness or being swallowed by these feelings that drown me. I could write page after page about the beauty of the world or the heartbreaking struggle of being human. Maybe I'll just dump my favourite words on a blank page and call it poetry. I told you what my favourite words are, right? Because I can't remember. I'm torn between begging you to tell me and just making up new ones. It must have been wonderful words though, will you tell me? I can make up new ones, that's fine, I'd just like to add them to my list. Do you remember? Please tell me you do. Please remind me how I was able to be so happy. My heart used to be endless as the starry skies, full as the seas, free as the birds and happier than... God, I can't compare it to anything. Happier than it had ever been. Was it just because of you? Please tell me that's not true. I must have played a part in it. Must have done something right. Please tell me what I did to be that happy. Please don't let it be you. I wanted it to be because of you then. Couldn't imagine anything else making me that happy, least of all myself. It had to be you, because you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and my heart was so happy that I found you, so euphoric that you loved me back, it grew bigger every day and tried to bubble out of my chest every chance it got, just to be closer to you. It was trying to fill a universe with love. You. You were a universe contained in the body of a boy with a breathtaking smile and beautiful eyes. I wanted to fill you with my love for you. It tried to fill this wonderful hell of a universe we are living in with love too, just because you inspired me to. Because I loved you so much that I could've filled a thousand universes with my feelings for you in the blink of an eye.

I don't even remember what I was trying to write, because I got distracted by the thought of you, by the urge to tell you over and over again how much I love you. I still don't know if you ever grasped the magnitude of it. I hope you did and I hope you know you deserved it all. God, here I go again. This always happens. It's why I gave up on trying to write. It always comes back to you. I guess I'm tired of it never changing, you're not coming back and apparently my feelings for you will never leave.

But I will write again. Never mind that it will be about you. I will write every day and maybe someday it will not be about you. I hope it won't be about somebody new either. I hope it will be about my happiness, the beauty I'm surrounded with, the love all around me, of my friends, but more importantly the love for myself. And I hope it is all mine. All because of me. Because I fought and always got back on my feet after I gave up. Because I know I deserve it and because I want to give myself what I deserve and more. Because I know I am capable of giving myself everything I deserve and more. Maybe then I will write about you again. Thanking you for making me deliriously happy when I wasn't able to do that myself. Thanking you for loving me the way you did, thanking you for letting me love you the way I did. I wonder if I will still love you this way then. It's okay if I do, I will be happy anyway.

I've said it a hundred times before, but I will let you go now. I will try at least... again. I love you baby, to the moon and back. Maybe I always will. I will write about you today, probably tomorrow and maybe always, but it's okay. You deserve it. I hope you are happier than me during our first summer together.

Lots of love, always

[four months without you]

Surprise...

I didn't. I didn't write and I didn't let you go. It's been a month, maybe two. I tried, I think. I'm not really sure. But I am rediscovering writing. Sometimes. God, it's pathetic. The last thing I wrote wasn't about you though, didn't even go there halfway through, so that's progress! Every sentence my head is coming up with right now is a way to tell you that I still miss you and love you, so this is where I stop. Or maybe write another little piece that is not about you. I try, you know.

Lots of love, always

[seven months without you]

You've always been stronger than me, I know, but is it really this easy for you to just not talk anymore? God, I miss you so much. I'm desperate to know how you are, always wishing you are happy and loved. Always wondering what you're doing and what's going through your mind. I want to talk to you. Give you my body and mind and my heart, always my heart. You don't own my heart or mind, but they both still want to be yours. I think I'm still in love with you even though I'm trying to move on. I'm really trying, but fuck you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Exquisite inside and out. I miss the colour of your eyes in the sunshine, miss the breathtaking sight of your smile. Miss your hands and fingers and what you could do with them. Miss the way your brain works and the way your body moves. I want to talk to you, laugh with you, come home in your arms, come in your arms. I still want all of you, but I'm going to let you go. I wish you all the best, I hope you're happy and I love you. I love you to the moon and back.

[ten months without you]

I still miss you. It's been almost a year. I still dream about you at least once a week. Tonight the thought of you feels so real, the feel of you seems so close, I swear I can smell you, hear you laugh and feel your warmth. Memories are taking over my mind and I'm not fighting it. I miss you. I love you. I don't know if I want to stop, because I fear that will make my memories of you fade even more. Every time I realise I've forgotten another small thing my heart breaks all over again. I don't want to lose you over and over again. I am still recovering from the first time. Am I just pathetic? Can I be your friend? Just to have you in my life in some way. Just so my love for you can go somewhere. Tonight might be the night I give up and message you. I don't know what I am hoping for, strength or that you will answer.

[twelve months without you]

Hi darling,

It's been a while. Me writing to you, not me missing you. That still happens every day. I'm just laughing at myself at this point. This is ridiculous, isn't it? It has been more than a year now. More than 365 days since I last heard your voice, saw your smile. I am still in love with you. I'm not ashamed to admit it, a little embarrassed, maybe. Let me just tell you this: I still think it was the right thing to do for both of us. Even though I want to take it all back at least three times a week, I don't regret it. I just wish we could've stayed friends. You were my best friend. The one person I felt comfortable sharing my every single thought with. You made me think about the why, the what now, the what will I do about it? I learned so much from our differences. You made me a better person. You made me rediscover myself and helped me learn to love the woman I found myself becoming.

In those two years all my wishes were for you, every promise was to you. I wanted them all to come true. I am sorry they didn't. I hope you know that I still keep to my pinky promises. I will always be here for you, always. And I will love you. Endlessly. I want you to know that some of my wishes are still for you. Wishing you are happy and loved and not missing me the way I miss you.

Lots of love, always

[thirteen months without you]

I am tempted to send these words to you. Just to remind you of how much I truly did (and still do) love you. Words to remind you that you are a beautiful, wonderful person. Words to prove to you that a love like this is possible. That even though I've accepted a while back that it really was the end of us, even though I am learning to be okay with that, even though I have started to let you go, I still love you just as much. Will never stop loving you with this hopelessly full and overflowing heart of mine. Words to try to make sure you know, really know, deep in your bones, that you deserve every bit of that love. That you are capable of it. I felt it, still feel it.

I do still miss you, but it isn't the I-want-you-back kind of missing. It hasn't been for a few months now. I just miss you. The wonderful person you are. The friend you were to me. I am always willing to be your friend. Would love to be, if we both think we could do that without breaking our hearts all over again. So if you ever want to try, I am here.

[fourteen months without you]

It's your birthday today. Happy birthday, love. I hope you had a great day and that you will have an amazing year. I've been debating for at least a month whether I would send you a message today. I'm sorry I didn't. It's the right choice, though. I know this and I'm proud I was able to make it. I do want to remind you of something today. You are my favourite person. I know this whole earth is filled with people, but you, god, you. You were my home. Warmth in your arms, a challenge to do better, be better, in your eyes. Such a different way of thinking in that beautiful brain of yours. So much ambition and drive, something that's not necessarily my thing. So much pleasure, so much love, so much happiness. A comfort zone and inspiring challenge at once. My home. You. There were no walls left, no things unsaid, no thoughts kept hidden. I was myself in a way I had never been with anyone else. You made it easy, made me feel so loved that I dared learning to love myself. Every bare inch of me, body and mind. I am so fucking grateful. I am beyond honoured that you made me feel that way. Still in awe that you loved me, delighted by the way you did. I love you. Just as much as when we were together. You are my favourite person. I am glad the world has you. You will go far. I will be here, cheering for you. My favourite person. My home. My love. Happy birthday, baby.

[seventeen months without you]

This is my final goodbye. Thank you for everything. I will cherish the memories forever. I hope to see you again someday. I wish you all the best. Always remember you are wonderful, you are capable of anything you want to do, and you are loved. I love you.

[streamacademe]

Week 67, Day 462.

It’s overwhelming to think that at midnight tomorrow we’ll be saying goodbye to 2018 and welcoming in the New Year. I wouldn’t say that 2018 flew by, not at all; for me it was rich, adventure-filled, fruitful, and pretty jam-packed. And I thought 2017 was busy! Reflecting, I have grown so much, both in a professional and personal sense. I have learned a great deal about perseverance, stepping outside of my comfort zone, hard work, and the importance of rest. I spent a lot of 2018 feeling drained and exhausted, something that I will be factoring into my resolutions for 2019, listed below. But before this, I’m going to go back 52 weeks and revisit the resolutions I made at the end of 2017:

Stop checking up on people that I have chosen to leave behind in 2017 - I’m not going to lie, this one I slipped up on more than a couple of times... some people are a lot harder to let go of than others. I had a friend who really hurt me, but who was a stable (although also inconsistent) and huge part of my life for over a decade, and, despite everything, I can’t help but want to know that they’re doing okay. Unfortunately, we don’t have any mutual friends, and we most definitely don’t talk anymore (nothing new for us to be honest), and so the only way I can check on that person is through social media. I won’t recycle this resolution, because I managed to stop caring about everyone else I’d left behind, so, in time, this one will fizzle out too. I guess some wounds take longer to heal.

Make 2018 my fitness year - I actually aced this one; I’ve never been stronger/fitter than I am now (ignoring Christmas eating) and will most definitely have this as a resolution for 2019, pushing myself even further.

Be selfish and put my degree and myself first - I botched this one up to be honest and am quite angry with myself for it. Don’t get me wrong, I did what needed to get done, never missed deadlines, etc. But I most definitely had not put myself and my work first to the extent that I needed to, and it left me frustrated, beat, and mentally drained. Even just thinking about it is making me angry. So this one is making the list again.

Make more time for family - This one will forever be difficult for me, having like 80% of my family members in another country. I did manage to go out to Russia in the summer and I call my family a lot more than I did in 2017. As for 2019, I have two trips planned so far, and intend to keep up the phone calls. I won’t make this a resolution for 2019, as it should be an instinctive thing.

Relax more - See, I thought I was better at this, but with the amount of bath bombs, wine, and chocolate I received for Christmas, I think my family and friends think otherwise...

Spend less time on my phone - Last year I spent on average 4 and a half hours on my phone each day! I have managed to cut this almost in half in 2018, which is definitely progress. One of the best things I did this year was delete my Facebook. For the first couple of weeks I kept unconsciously trying to go back on it, but now forget it even exists. I had the fear of missing out anxiety before deleting it, but which never actually materialised. In fact, I now have a richer social life than ever before. I will definitely work on this resolution further in 2019.  

And now for some new, New Year resolutions... 🌟

Improve my work-life balance -  One of the biggest difficulties of being a PhD student is not having a set work schedule. This means that self-management and self-motivation skills must be on point, with any weaknesses in this area resulting in procrastination, stress, and failure. I always thought that I excelled at this, with everyone constantly telling me how extremely organised I am. However, I think I need to seriously revisit this area; organisation is one thing, but regiment is another. With having a flexible work life, I have found that I have started to work around everybody else’s plans, ignoring my own routine and priorities. Moreover, working with 4 water companies, being a STREAM student, and also being in a long-distance relationship, means that I travel A LOT and find it difficult to stick to a routine at the best of times. These two factors combined leave me feeling disordered, overwhelmed, exhausted, stressed, and scatty. This means that I find myself making endless GANTT charts and ‘to do’ lists, just to “get back on track”, instead of actually doing my work. This degree will get exponentially harder and more challenging, and I cannot afford to work around other people anymore. Therefore, I now have a work schedule, whereby I work Monday - Friday, 10:00 - 18:00; any other plans can be made around those times. Doing this will also allow me to have proper ‘rest’ days, something I currently lack. ⌛

Go even further with fitness -  I want to take myself out of my comfort zone next year and push myself to be the strongest I’ve ever been physically. This does mean that I need to adjust my diet slightly, but I am in no way out to lose lots of weight, cut out chocolate, or achieve any other such ridiculous and unsustainable goals. 🍎

Take time offline - I don’t really need to cut down on my daily phone use any more than I did in 2018, but I do however want to start taking some proper time offline. I was inspired by a blogger called Zanna Van Dijk, who has incorporated going fully offline into her busy schedule as a way to de-stress. I started to feel the benefit of being offline on holiday in Canada, where we hardly had any network; I don’t remember the last time I felt so grounded and relaxed! I also cannot recall the last time I spent a full day away from my phone/laptop, which is terrifying. This will truly be a challenging but rewarding resolution to achieve. 🌲

Read more books - I think the above resolution will go hand in hand with this one. I have already started allocating time in the mornings and before bed for this and find it to be one of the best ways to start and end a working day. 📚

Save money - It is only in the last couple of weeks that I have finally got myself out of the debt I incurred moving to Sheffield, which was over a year ago! Shameful. I’m not a particularly careless spender, but I could definitely be a lot more mindful. I have been inspired by Michelle McGaph’s Ted Talk on how she spent an entire year without spending anything! It’s a highly insightful and inspirational story, and I am now reading her book in the hope that it will help me change my attitude towards spending. I have set myself a goal sum that I would like to have saved by the end of my PhD, so here’s to making some financial changes! 💰

Sleep better - Less red bull, more sufficient rest. Reading Mathew Walkers book on ‘Why we sleep?’ has drastically changed my attitude towards this underrated process. 💤

Become more minimalist - I talk about this in one of my previous posts. 🌿

I’d like to finish by thanking each of my 365 followers for taking the time to read my blog and making me feel like this is not time wasted. 💜 Have a fantastic New Year and don’t be afraid to dream big!!! I’ll see y’all in 2019.  Photo: Celebrate the end of a chapter and turn over the page. Source: Google. 

[500days-of-autumn]

3:44 am, 1st of january ‘23

It’s past midnight already and I’m still wide awake. My heart is overwhelmed.

There are a lot of events that transpired last year where I’ve had many realizations about the life that I’m living (and will be living in for the upcoming years). I’m so drained but still so grateful for everything. I think this was the very first year where I honestly felt fulfilled with all the things I’ve done. But a part of me, as usual, is still yearning for more.

2022 was hard. I failed so many times. I needed to face reality, be more social, and everything that I used to ignore and skip, I had to face them.

It was also the year where I learned a lot of things. I grew so much that I bet my past self would laugh if I tell her about the ‘me’ now. I think I became more mature as time passed by. In those 12 months, I discovered parts of me I never knew was present. At the same time, I rekindled old flames… with my past self and the people who were once in my then-present.

2022. I discovered this song that year. Probably one of the greatest songs I’ve heard.

It was also this year when I saw him again in flesh. After 3 years, I felt the wrenching feeling in my heart again.

If I were to be honest, I thought I have already moved on from it, but I think trauma sticks to someone for so long that seeing that person’s nape made you feel like it was 2019 all over again.

This year, I also tried strolling around the campus all by myself, trying to create new memories to bury the old. God, how I love being alone now.

2022. It was also the year when I learned that eating alone isn’t as bad as I thought it was back in high school. Sometimes, the comfort is found in silence and aloneness of a person.

2022 was for me and my growth. I claimed it last January 1st, telling myself that this was gonna be my year.

And although I had the progress similar to a turtle, it was nice seeing myself get through it all.

I went out of my comfort zone several times and did the things I was scared and uninterested to do the past year. I drank alcohol and finished a bottle, went vlogging, and opened up this Tumblr blog as my personal diary. I did the things that served as my outlet for all the emotions I felt.

It was also this year when I stopped some things that were once part of my lifestyle. I gave up my stan Twitter (for good). I stopped comparing myself to others and focused more on myself. I stopped blaming myself for every bad thing that happens, and started appreciating ‘me’ trying even if it’s hard.

I started to try. Repeatedly.

It’s actually amazing how different I am from my 2021 self. I really did mature, did I?

I want to remember the happy moments. Although some people might not agree with me, I want to let go of the things that I’ve held on for so long already.

I am tired of dragging them with me forever.

And so, I’m facing this new year filled with hope, friends, and anticipation of what is yet to come. Let me leave all my grudges, disappointments, and worries behind.

2022 was the year when I truly realized how the beauty of it all lies more on the people we’ve met, the realizations, the things we’ve learned, and the simplest of things.

It’s not just the joy of having to jump to Aju Nice for the 6th time on a Saturday evening, but the excitement of hearing that there is a 7th one.

It’s not just knowing people you’ve met on stan Twitter, but having a Gab or an Anne, Lex, Reen, or Ara who you can lean on to.

It’s not just attending your favorite artists’ concerts but the thrill of lining up for a ticket, the anticipation while entering the arena, and meeting your classmate for the first time to have them as your concert buddy.

It’s not just Taylor releasing Midnights but realizing how much you relate to the meaning behind YOYOK.

It’s not just living for another 365 days, guys. It’s living a full, complete year with your family and yourself.

It’s the beauty of living and not just existing.

[wiresandstarlings]

boats ease into the harbor, bearing real suspicious cargo

1. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, there were 131,200 people employed as writers and authors in the United States in 2016. If you assume writers work an average of 8 hours a day, that writing is 10% efficient, and that 5% of writers are worth reading, the United States produces 131,200 * 8 * 0.1 * 0.05 / 24 / 365 * 12 ~ 7.2 months of quality reading material each day. Even if you assume that only 0.1% of writers are worth reading, then that's still 4.4 days of reading per day of writing in just the United States. It's physically impossible to keep up with all the good writing being produced, even without sleeping, and setting aside catching up on the centuries of backlog.

When you look at even more popular and efficient media like streaming and YouTube content, the numbers are even scarier. The world is producing more information than even the world can reasonably consume.

Writing in the face of that knowledge feels wasteful, like driving an SUV or golfing. At the same time, writing has a fundamental urgency to it.

When I write, I'm forced to vocalize and confront my beliefs. I've written essays where, having finished, I don't agree with anything that I’ve said. It's like I've built up this latent energy by reading and thinking and watching, and I need to write to convert that energy, a muddy fuel of insights and exaltations and fears, into action and belief.

Reading good writing, I feel this total connection to humanity, on a primal and ineffable level. And trying to write well, I feel that connection again.

So, I guess, to whoever's reading this, I’m grateful you've chosen to share your time with me, and I hope you get whatever you need and whatever you're missing out of it.

2. On a practical note, I've been spending a lot of time reading about personal finance lately and want to summarize what I’ve learned. I've been fortunate enough not to have to worry about my finances for most of my life, but I realized a couple months ago that having my entire net worth parked in a Citi savings account was blatantly irresponsible. Panicking, I overcompensated.

Fortunately, the most prevalent and reliable personal finance advice is all straightforward. Still, given that I wasn't familiar with it, and apparently my parents weren't either, I figure there's value here. If you already have your life in order, feel free to skip this section.

Re: banks, don't use banks with physical locations. Physical locations are expensive, and you pay for them with the interest on your savings and the premiums on your loans. Online banks like Ally and Alliant Credit Union offer much better rates and services and also have better digital infrastructure.

There are a lot of online banks with various costs and benefits, but Ally and Alliant seem to be the most popular and reliable. I have some money in both right now, but I've mostly been using Ally because it has better integration with other online platforms.

Re: brokerages, that logic still applies. Use Vanguard, not Fidelity.

Re: investing, put all your money in a U.S. market index fund, ideally VTSAX, and forget about it until retirement. Services like Betterment or Wealthfront, which algorithmically invest your savings, are a reasonable alternative. However, they charge $25 per $10,000 they manage for you, and it's unclear whether they outperform plain index funds by enough to justify their price. They do provide some tax optimization services which likely cover their cost for accounts with $100,000 or more.

I'm currently using Betterment because my friend sent me a referral link with the first 3 months free, so I figured I might as well try it and reevaluate after the trial. I'm happy so far. I like that it's less involved than using a brokerage, and my account has almost enough to appropriately benefit from tax-loss harvesting.

This is my referral link, if that sounds interesting to you.

Re: credit cards, they're not worth learning about unless you inherently enjoy solving complicated systems. Personally, my ultimate plan is to get a 2% cash back card, the Amazon Prime card (for 5% back on Amazon purchases), the Uber Visa (for 4% back on restaurants and 3% back on travel), and the Amex Blue Cash (for 3% back on groceries). Cash back isn't as rewarding as travel points or signing bonuses, in terms returns per dollar spent, but those games are much more complicated for just an additional 2-4% back.

If you're having trouble getting approved for credit lines, it will likely be worthwhile to learn everything: about credit scores, secured cards, how to efficiently build a credit profile, etc. A lot of why I'm not interested in travel points and signing bonuses is that the additional 2-4% back I'd get from them could only be spent on things I don't care much about, like fancy flights and hotels. But the difference between getting a 2+% discount on everything and not is enormous.

3. I've spent an unhealthy amount of time watching YouTube lately. YouTube has been seductive substitute for games because it isn't obviously useless. When I watch videos on fashion, personal finance, self-improvement, and so on, I feel like I'm making progress even if the information in the videos is useless. There's something inherently satisfying and exhilarating about watching videos at 2x speed.

As a result, I've incidentally learned about the economics of YouTube, which are fascinating. Like, the idea of even a single media company focused entirely on YouTube content is wild to me. Yet there they are, the young thousands. There's just a tremendous amount of money in YouTube, such that it’s almost difficult to comprehend the scale.

Like, a video with 12 million views @ 1/3 a cent per view represents $40k, a respectable annual income. 12 million views is a lot, but it's a small fraction of the attention that YouTube commands. Like, there are random tours of capsule hotels in Japan with that many views. The music video for Gangnam Style must have made almost 100 million dollars.

In a real twist of late capitalism, content creators get paid more or less based on their primary demographics. Like younger women are less likely to use an ad blocker than 20-something men, so a greater fraction of their views get monetized. Views from wealthier countries like the U.S. and Canada are worth more than views from poorer ones.

There's so much at stake in getting us to click around these websites. And it's not just recommender systems. Whole content companies are fighting for even a couple minutes of our attention.

4. In Lineup, by a Seattle company called Cut Media, hosts are tasked to sort a lineup of strangers into different categories. In one video, for example, the hosts need to guess the lineup's sexual orientations. In another, they need to match people to their outfits. The general idea, of course, is to demonstrate how limited stereotypes are. The hosts typically don't take their task seriously, and their inability to perform it is humorous, heartwarming, enlightening, etc.

Ironically, from a purely statistical standpoint, the series makes a much stronger case for stereotypes than against them. For example, in the video about guessing occupations, a host choosing at random would get an average of 1 person right and would get 3 or more matches only 8% of the time. Yet every one of the 4 hosts got at least 1 match, they managed an average of 2.25 matches altogether, and 2 of the hosts got 3 or more. Those numbers look like failures on the surface, but stereotypes actually led the hosts to perform significantly better than chance.

Better than chance is, of course, not the strictest criterion.

5. Two series I’ve found helpful are Glamour's How One Woman Spends Her $N Salary and CNBC's Living On $N A Year in Location. I've been struggling lately to figure out how I should spend my income and the insight into how other people relate to money was valuable.

I feel like I'm making enough money now that I should buy whatever happiness is available to me, but I have no idea what to buy. The things I really want – like reading more, being healthier, having better self-discipline – aren't readily for sale. I used to think it was ridiculous that people spent thousands of dollars on life coaches, gym memberships, logos, and so on, but I'm starting to understand why. At this point, I'd happily spend hundreds of dollars on a guarantee that my life would even marginally improve.

At the same time, I guess opportunities to trade money for happiness will inevitably present themselves over time, and maybe there’s no need to seek them out.

6. I feel that, as a society, we're far too private about our finances. If we talked openly our income, for example, the prevalence and severity of the gender pay gap would have become obvious decades earlier. Everyone with credit card debt would have someone in the life to tell them how stupid credit card debt and how important living within our means is. Maybe economists and sociologists could even determine what purchases actually make us happier, and what we only think makes us happy.

I think we've adapted to obscure our finances because we have this like limbic compulsion to organize ourselves into hierarchies and fight based on where we land, and income is a very natural hierarchy. But if we just resist that compulsion, we'd collectively benefit from greater knowledge.

Like, in decision theory, more information is inherently good. We can only interpret it badly.

7. At the same time, I guess I have little interest in writing about my own finances. Not out of any desire to hide them, I just don't find the topic particularly compelling. But if you'd like to know, contact me through whatever channel and I'd be happy to share my accounting sheet and answer whatever questions you have.

Not that I have any great wisdom to share, clearly.

8. There's a “5 Minute Rule” in self-help theory that instructs people to complete tasks will take less than 5 minutes as soon as they think of them and are able to. I'm a fan of the 5 Minute Rule and have made a similar rule for myself where if I need something and it costs less than $20, I'll buy it without hesitation or deliberation.

Like, I was opening a box with scissors a couple weeks ago and I couldn’t cleanly cut the threads in the packing tape. My hands hurt trying to push the scissors through. So I bought an utility knife for $3 and opening boxes has been far more pleasant since it arrived. I noticed my wrist was hurting at work, so I bought a better mousepad for $8. And so on.

Overall, one thing I have learned is to buy the things I need and the things I know will make me happier. Maybe that should have been obvious.

9. Yield and overcome; Bend and be straight; Empty and be full; Wear out and be new; Have little and gain; Have much and be confused. Be truly whole, and all things will come to you.