#//It's like her aversion to touch. Will scarcely give a warning if at all; and woe betide anyone who sets that part of her off even still

[oceanxveiined]

When sleeping with someone she cares about, she will almost always put herself between the person and the nearest entry points. Not to mention will always strive to stay awake longer than the person to keep watch over them before she’d finally let herself sleep. In a way, it’s a show of her love, in order to protect them from any potential enemies that could come at them, especially since she’s quite the light sleeper.

That and she just has the biggest weakness for the sleepy faces her chosen people make.

[dancingkirby]

In which Azula learns to not judge a book by its cover

WARNING: Discussion of past rape.

To the surprise of both his parents, rather than moving back to the palace full-time after graduating from Capital University three years ago, Kazuo had elected to rent his own apartment in the Caldera.  A “bachelor’s pad,” Azula was pretty sure it was called in modern slang. Kazuo had said that this was because he’d wanted to take a stab at independent living, but Azula suspected that the real reason was so he could have a place to entertain various lady friends in private.  Azula didn’t care to think about that too much, and decided that as long as her son was diligently using protection and keeping everything consensual, she would keep quiet on the subject.  Besides, he wasn’t so caught up in his liaisons that he was neglecting his duties as a member of the Royal Family.  He showed up for every required event, and had inherited Azula’s knack for public appearances.

Last year, Kazuo had gotten into his first serious romantic relationship, and had taken the young lady to meet Azula and Tom-Tom.  Azula had initially been excited about her son finally thinking about settling down, but the meeting had not exactly gone well.  Kazuo’s girlfriend, who was named Kumi, had completely defied royal protocol and run up to shake Azula’s hand, even having the audacity to address her by her given name without so much as a “Princess” before it!  The young lady had then spent the entire encounter bragging about her accomplishments so that neither Azula nor Tom-Tom could get a word in edgewise.  Azula had made her displeasure known by giving Kumi death glares at every opportunity, yet this did nothing to curtail the woman.  Tom-Tom, of course, had been as unerringly polite as he always was. However, when Kumi finally left, he admitted that even he hadn’t cared for her much.  Neither of them was surprised when it turned out that Kumi had been in it simply for the status.  

Azula had been relieved when that was over.  On the other hand, poor Kazuo was heartbroken.  Then, this spring, a devastating earthquake had hit Shuhon, destroying most of the island’s natural gas deposits and killing tens of thousands of people.  It was the worst natural disaster to hit a home island in living memory.  Her son volunteered to take an extended trip there to help with the rebuilding process once the air was deemed safe to breathe, and Azula had thought it was probably for the best.  She’d hoped that the hard work would take his mind off his anguish.

What she hadn’t anticipated was that within weeks, Kazuo would write home that he’d met a girl in Shuhon and was going out with her.  And now, six months later, he was bringing her home with him.

Tonight was the big night, of both their reunion with Kazuo and introduction to his girlfriend…and they were late.  At this rate, the food would get here before her son would.  Azula began to worry that Kazuo had crashed his…what was it called again? Satomobile, that’s right.  Some young upstart in Republic City had started manufacturing them a couple of years ago, and now everyone in the Caldera wanted one.  Everyone except Azula, that is.  Those vehicles went entirely too fast for her liking.  

Just as Tom-Tom was attempting to talk Azula out of sending servants to look for the pair, there was a knock on the door.  Azula bid the person to come in, and felt enormously relieved as her beaming son ran straight past the servant announcing his arrival and into his parents’ arms.  

“Mom!  Dad!  I missed you both so much!” Kazuo exclaimed.  “Sorry we’re late…traffic was horrible.”  When they broke from their embrace, Azula appraised him with her sternest maternal gaze.  

“You have been gone entirely too long.  Your skin is all brown; did it never occur to you to wear a hat?” she demanded.  But she couldn’t keep the act up for long. Within seconds, she had cracked a smile, hugging Kazuo again.  

Tom-Tom cleared his throat.  

“Son, I believe you said that you wanted to introduce us to someone?” he prompted.  Azula finally got a glimpse at the young woman hanging back in a doorway, who fell into a kowtow as soon as she saw that Azula was looking at her.  Well, that was one point in her favor already.  

“You may rise,” Azula told her.  When the girl stood and walked into the room, Azula finally looked her over properly. She was quite tall and a little gangling.  However, seeing as how Kazuo had attained a height of 6’3’’ (just like his grandfather), it didn’t look as awkward as it might have.  Although her face was nothing memorable, her hair was glossy and reached down to her mid-back.  She was attired in a pretty yet modest outfit of a pink tunic and a matching set of red jacket and pants.  

“Mother, Father, this is Lady Botan,” Kazuo said.  

The girl was shaking like a leaf, but managed to get out, “P-princess Azula.  Prince Tom-Tom.  It is an honor to meet you.”

“And it is a delight to meet you too, Lady Botan,” Tom-Tom assured her.  This, combined with Kazuo placing a protective hand on her shoulder, made Botan look slightly more relaxed.  

“Yes, well, dinner will be ready shortly,” Azula added.  Then, at another knock on the door, “I stand corrected.  Dinner is ready now.”

The four of them sat at the table as the servants arranged the first course.  Azula gazed intently at Botan over her bowl of wontons in clear broth.  She was perfectly aware of how intimidating her appearance could be to those who weren’t close to her.  Although she would be sixty next month, she could pull off her trademark eyeliner and bright red lipstick as well as ever.  Plus, as this girl’s potential mother-in-law, was it not expected of her to be overbearing?  Her standards were exacting; none but the best would do for her only son.  

“So,” she began, “How did you come to meet Prince Kazuo?”

Botan jumped a little in her seat at being so abruptly addressed, and began, “Shuhon is my home island, Princess.  My dad, my sister, my brothers, and I were all contributing in any way we could.  We were lucky that our house escaped the worst of the damages…but anyway.  The first day I arrived there from Capital Island, I was carrying some heavy crates of medical supplies.   They slipped, and I would have dropped them all if Kazuo hadn’t run up just then to help!  And then we started talking, and something just…clicked.  He said his name was Kazuo, and I was like, ‘Oh, like the prince?’ and he was like ‘Uh…yeah.’  He didn’t end up actually telling me who he was until after our fourth date! Can you believe that?”

She gave a very annoying high-pitched laugh.  

“I see,” Azula responded.  She daintily picked up a wonton from her bowl with her chopsticks and popped it in her mouth, her eyes never leaving Botan’s.  Once she had swallowed her food, she continued, “My son called you Lady Botan.  That means you are a member of the nobility.  How could you possibly not have known who he was?”

“Azula…” Tom-Tom said softly.  However, his pleasant smile never left his face.  

“I don’t believe we have ever seen you at court, Lady Botan,” he said in an attempt to soften Azula’s words.  

“No, my mom was the one who was noble,” Botan explained.  “She was an only child and inherited the estate.  But she died when I was four, from cancer.  My dad’s just a silk merchant, and he didn’t see a reason to live at the Caldera after that.”

“Ah, yes, I remember hearing about that now,” Tom-Tom replied.  “Lady Ayako, wasn’t it?  I think I met her once or twice.  I offer my condolences for your loss.”

“Thank you,” Botan said.  “But it’s okay.  I hardly remember her, so I’m just kind of used to it now, you know?” Another nervous giggle escaped her.

Their conversation had to be suspended at that moment, since the servants were clearing away their soup bowls; Azula noted that Botan had scarcely touched hers.  Then, two beautiful roast ducks were presented for their main course, skin sizzling and deep golden-brown.  They were accompanied by a sweet and spicy sauce, along with sides of rice, scallion pancakes, and mixed vegetables.  

“You’re in for a treat, Botan!” Kazuo said while grinning.  “They make the best roast duck here in the palace.  It was one of the things I missed the most when I was in Shuhon.”

Botan smiled back at him, although it looked a little strained.  

For a few minutes, they ate in silence.  However, Azula wasn’t quite done with her interrogation yet.  

“Prince Kazuo informed me that you are a recent graduate of Capital University,” she said.   “What was your major?”

“Psychology and sociology, Princess.  Double major,” Botan said.  At least that was a hopeful sign.  Perhaps this young lady wasn’t as unintelligent as she appeared.  

“Then you must have made the acquaintance of my friend Ty Lee,” Azula stated.

Botan nodded eagerly, seemingly relieved that they’d found some common ground.  “Yes.  She taught my Trauma Psych class.   She…well, it could be a difficult class at times, but it was always interesting.”

Azula raised an eyebrow, feeling annoyed for reasons she didn’t fully understand.  “Why ‘difficult?’  Is my friend too strict of a teacher for your liking?  Or are you simply averse to a little hard work?”

She heard intakes of breath from both her husband and son.  Botan’s face flooded with color.  “No, no, she was a great teacher!  Really nice.  It’s just…it was difficult for another reason…”  Her gaze darted frantically over to Kazuo.  He squeezed her hand and whispered in her ear, and she nodded.  

“We’re going to go take a walk,” he stated, glowering in Azula’s direction.  Before she could protest, Tom-Tom said, “Yes, that’s fine. I think it would be best for all of us.”

As soon as the younger two had left the room, Azula’s husband turned to her.  

“Azula, we have been married for twenty-seven years, and I love you more than anything.  You know that,” he said.  “Nevertheless, you went too far this time.  I thought that Botan was a perfectly nice young lady, and was trying her best.  You should consider apologizing to her when she returns.  I will certainly do so myself for not doing more to intervene.” His voice was as level as always, but it had a hint of underlying steel that Azula had only heard a handful of times during their marriage.  It meant that this was one of the rare occasions that Tom-Tom was genuinely angry at her.  And if something was sufficient to piss him off, then she knew it was serious.

“I didn’t think I was that…” Azula began somewhat lamely, only to cut herself off when she heard muffled sobs coming from down the hallway.  It was clear that Tom-Tom heard it too.

“…Right.  I’ll go apologize to her now,” she sighed in resignation as she got up from the table.

When she opened the door to their apartment, she heard Botan wailing, “She hated me! A..and I can’t blame her because I sounded like an idiot!”

Kazuo took her into his arms.  “Aw, no, sweetie, you did just fine.  Mom can be…difficult.  But I’m going to talk to her later tonight, and I think Dad already did.”

Azula waited in the shadows for a while, until Botan’s tears faded, and her mind wandered back to the day almost twenty-nine years ago when Tom-Tom had comforted her in much the same way.  It appeared that her son had turned out to be as good a man as his father.  

Finally, she cleared her throat, and both Kazuo and Botan’s head shot up.  

“If you wanted to say something to me, you might as well do it now,” she said.

Kazuo frowned. “I don’t think this is a good time, Mom…”

“No.”  Botan stepped out of Kazuo’s embrace.  “I…I want to tell her.  Alone.”

“Wow.  Are you sure?  That’s…I know that would be difficult for you, especially since this is just your first time meeting her.” Kazuo touched her shoulder again.  Botan looked down and took a deep breath.

“…Yes,” she finally said.

“Might I suggest doing this in my study instead of in the hallway?  The palace servants are quite proficient at making themselves almost invisible in order to eavesdrop,” Azula pointed out.  

“Good idea,” Kazuo admitted.  Then, to Botan, “One last time…are you really sure?  I don’t want you to feel pressured to do it if you’re not ready.”

The younger woman squared her shoulders.  “I’m ready.”

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“Now,” Azula said, once they were both situated in comfortable upholstered chairs and free from any listening ears, “What was it you wanted to tell me?  I give you permission to speak freely.”

She was expecting for Botan to yell at her, to fling all sorts of insults.  What she actually said was somewhat surprising.

“I’d been wanting to meet you for so long, before I ever knew Kazuo,” she began. “You’re...you’re my hero. All that work you’ve done to raise awareness for sexual abuse, all the charities you run…and I read the book you co-wrote with Professor Ty Lee.  It was so comforting to me after…”

She broke off; tears were running down her face again.  Azula wordlessly gave her a handkerchief from the stack on her desk. Even though her own crying spells occurred nowhere nearly as frequently as they had in her youth, they still had the nasty tendency to blindside her every now and then.

Once Botan had gotten this latest burst of emotion under control, the words poured out of her like water from a burst dam.  She said, “I was nineteen.  A man who I had seen as one of my closest friends put something in my drink when we were at a party, and then he took me to his dorm room and…and raped me.  And everyone thought I was lying about it because he was so popular!  I tried to go to the campus police, and they wouldn’t press charges because they didn’t think there was enough evidence. All they said was that I shouldn’t have looked away from my drink.  I was so discouraged that I kept it from most of my family; didn’t even tell Kazuo until about a month ago…”

“And yet you told me, even after I upset you,” Azula pointed out.

“Yeah,” Botan acknowledged.  More scrubbing at her eyes, and she continued, “I know it seems weird.  But I thought if anyone would understand, you would. Your book helped me get through that. I kept telling myself that you had it so much worse than me, since I was an adult when it happened, and not…I mean, I’d had boyfriends before, and I couldn’t even remember much of it, and he wasn’t my dad, and I didn’t…didn’t…”

“Didn’t get pregnant?” Azula guessed.

“…yeah.”

“I see.”  She took a moment to figure out exactly how she wanted to say this.

“Trauma isn’t a competition,” she finally said as she rose from her chair and walked closer to Botan. “Just because yours was different from mine, doesn’t mean it wasn’t as real.  And…I apologize for my behavior, as difficult as it is for me to say that. You shouldn’t have had to feel compelled to share something so personal just to seek my approval.  At the same time, I am glad that my life’s work meant something to you.  My goal was that no abuse survivor should feel as alone as I did, or my father’s other prey did.  It appears as though there is still much work for me to do, though.  Perhaps my charities need a younger spokesperson who is more in touch with the times.  Someone like you…if you find that arrangement pleasing.”

Botan was struck speechless for a few moments.  Then, she breathed, “Of course I would, Princess. It would be such a great honor, and my dream job.  I just hope I can be worthy of it.”

“If you are seeking to become a part of the royal family, you’ll have to find some cause to champion,” Azula remarked.  “My brother is all about public service.  Now let us finish our dinner, shall we?  There is plum ice cream for dessert, which we won’t want to miss.”

“Sounds good,” Botan replied.

“It is Kazuo’s favorite flavor.  If you intend to marry my son, it would be wise of you to memorize all of his preferred foods, don’t you think?”

Perhaps she had found that perfect mate for her son that she

[kalendraashtar]

Fanfiction - A Lifetime of Her (Part III)

Part III – “You don’t know how lovely you are”

Twenty-four

The night was unusually dark, even for the end of September – the scarce light of public illumination swallowed by scraps of mist, like cold long fingers, stretching to capture an unwary victim. But the lack of visible stars caused me more dismay – the feeling of infinity I usually felt gazing above my head, of endless life beyond the flapping of butterflies’ wings of human existence, veiled beyond my reach. I felt small and locked outside of a mystery that made my life more meaningful.

I was walking fast across Princes Street, my hands buried on the pockets of my overcoat, thinking about the job interview I had endured that day – a promising position as a Math teacher for a local high school, very surprising considering my lack of experience and the fact that I was fresh out of college. The headmistress had seemed pleasant and competent, interested in knowing things about my personal life as well as my academic course – inevitably she had asked why I had took almost an entire year off school, four years ago. I had answered truthfully, reassuring her about my full recovery.

To my right I could see the Gardens and the outline of the Scottish National Gallery, one of my favourite places in Edinburgh to relax and spend some free time. Without a second thought, I decided to make a shortcut across the park, which would lead me straight to the neighbourhood where I had rented a small, yet cosy, apartment.

I saw her before I could even hear her – she was standing alone, talking on the phone, close to the museum entrance. She was wearing a long black dress with sleeves, which fitted perfectly her mesmerizing body, kissing her curves with fabric lips – her hair pinned up in a simple but elegant knot. She sounded distressed and – I thought – angry enough to make me want to run in the other direction. I recognized her instantly, even in such different circumstances than those of our last encounter – Claire.

I walked – levitated, really – towards her, without any notion of why I was doing it. Perhaps I meant to thank her for what she had done in the past. Maybe I was fascinated by the idea that, for once, I could be her saviour. She was clearly dressed for an elegant party – as I approached the building, I noticed several people in similar clothing, probably heading for some sort of gala inside.

I could hear her talking more clearly, her voice quick and deadly, like the stab of a dagger. “Fine!” She snapped, suddenly finishing her conversation. Claire looked at her phone with aversion, like she was considering the idea of throwing it to the nearby bushes.

I was near enough for her to notice my presence – without recognizing me, she quickly composed her expression and looked at her phone with pretended interest, fearing any unwanted advances from a strange man in the night.

“Claire?” I called her, as I reached the circle of light streamed through the museum’s doors. Her eyes jumped to mine and softened, as she promptly identified me.

“Jamie!” She greeted me, smiling – her lips were a soft pink with the touch of discrete lipstick. “How are you?”

“Good.” I grinned back – a gesture that almost entirely faded away as I noticed the ring on her finger. It was a sizable diamond, shining like a beacon made of crystal, outrageously dominant on her slender finger. An engagement ring.  “I couldna resist, coming to say hello.”

“It’s so good to see you!” Claire seemed honestly happy and warm – a million miles away from the cold glacier of moments before. “Are you coming to the charity gala too?”

“Ach, nae.” I gave her a lopsided smile and raised my brow. “Is that why ye’re here?”

“Yes.” She shrugged, sliding her phone inside her black satin clutch. “I was waiting for my fianc�� but it seems he is…rather busy at the moment. He won’t be coming.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” I said softly, trying to abstract myself of how magnificent she looked – dark as the night, but with millions of stars inside her. “I’m sure ye’ll have a lovely time, nonetheless.”

“I doubt that.” She replied, somewhat conspiratorially. “This night was organized by a friend of my uncle – he was kind enough to invite me in honour of his memory. Actually, I don’t know a living soul inside those doors.” Claire’s eyes darkened, sadness creeping in. “Maybe I’ll just go home and send him my apologies afterwards.”

“No!” I instantly rejected the idea. “Perhaps I could go with ye?” I suggested in a cool tone, praying that I wasn’t about to blush. I pointed to my black attire, matched with a grey tie. “I’m wearing a suit after all.”

“That you are.” She smiled, with a hint of mischief in her eyes. “Do you really don’t mind?” Claire asked, nervously adjusting a stubborn curl that had fled her hairdo. “We could just pretend you’re my fiancé. No one really knows Frank, either way.”

“Of course, lass.” I mockingly offered her my arm for her to hold. “Shall we?”

We entered the party, quickly mingling with the crowd – an assorted array of wealthy men and women, with a taste for art and philanthropy - or for ostentation. Soon enough we had located the canapé and champagne flutes, launching ourselves in a conversation about the artistry on display – or lack of it.

“So, are you fully recovered?” Claire eventually asked me over the live jazz music, that a small band was playing in the corner, a saxophone crying about the loss of an imperfect lover.

“Aye.” I nodded, offering her one of my owlish winks. “I’m so verra thankful for what ye did for me – I…”

“Don’t be silly!” She dismissed emphatically, waving her hand. “I should be the one to thank you!” And seeing my puzzled look, she leaned over and talked closer to my ear. “After what you told me, I went ahead and applied to medical school. I work some shifts as a nurse to pay my bills, but I’m a proud med student!”

“That is wonderful!” I congratulated her, squeezing her hand – soft and capable, warm under my fingers as a pulsing heart. “I’m so glad!”

I convinced her to dance, afterwards. She conceded with an amused smile. We swayed together, amongst other couples – I wasn’t an eager dancer and had no memory of a time when the idea of dancing had seemed appealing to me. But with Claire everything was natural and effortless – every move and word had the magical quality of destiny, of a life finally fulfilled. I tried very hard to overlook the shackles symbolized by her ring, the deafening warning of a tragedy I was powerless to avoid. She had wilfully surrender to the dragon – I couldn’t be her saving knight.

“So what happened to yer fiancé?” I asked tentatively, my hand struggling not to caress her lower back. God, it seemed so easy to touch her, to hold her against me. “Ye seemed distraught.”

“He had a meeting with another faculty assistant.” She pursed her lips in discontent, her eyes avoiding his – hiding her pain and shame. “Something about a spectacular discovery in his newest research.”

“Oh.” I babbled, trying to sound charitable. “Have ye been engaged for a long time?”

“A couple of months.” Claire sighed, her fingers accidentally brushing the back of my neck and making me shiver, preparing to confess her secrets under the protection of the music around us. “Actually, he has been invited to go to America to teach – and asked me to go with him.”

“And will ye?” I asked, almost breathless – pushing down the sudden feeling of panic, like a dark wave that threatened to swallow the skyscrapers of my soul. “Go with him?”

“I honestly don’t know.” She admitted slowly, wincing a little. “But I accepted his proposal so…I should want to go with him, shouldn’t I?”

“I dinna ken much about serious relationships.” I said in a hoarse voice. “But I dinna understand how a man can leave a woman like ye, alone, in such a night. I dinna ken how anything can be more important than being with ye.”

“It’s complicated!” She tried to argue, but her voice lacked the vigour of certainty. “He has to work a lot to get recognized. Sometimes he has to let go of superfluous things, as much as I –“

“Dinna say that!” My voice was a deep rumble, suddenly stripped of all civility. “Ye should be the priority in his life, lass. Ye are a wonderful woman.” I gulped. “Any man deserving of being with ye, should give ye the place ye deserve in his life. Never settle for less, Claire.”

She nodded, looking away to hide the sudden threat of tears. Eventually, her body relaxed and her cheek came to rest in the lapel of my blazer, silently thanking me for my support. I could feel the small movements of her lashes, the hot breath of her life so close to my heart – I never felt more alive, nor more defeated.

We talked and danced the night away – I made her twirl and laugh, until her face was less pale, more like the lively girl in the graveyard, so alive amongst my ghosts.

At the end of the night, I escorted her to a taxi – not daring to offer her my company to her doorway. I feared what the intoxicating mixture of her and the champagne might conjure up.

She smiled – skilfully tucking something inside the pocket of my overcoat – and stood on her toes to kiss my cheek in a tender goodbye. Later, feeling less overwhelmed by the lack of stars, I read her note – “In case you need it. XO”. She had added a phone number underneath the short sentence and a funny smiley face, with abundant curly hair.

I kept her note under my pillow for the next few weeks – a silent dare, urging me to take a leap of faith. I was convinced that my path was fundamentally entwined with Claire’s – it had to be a reason for the insistency of life to place her in my way. She lured me in – fascinated me.

I must have grabbed the phone, adamant on calling her, half a dozen times. Started to dial her phone number – by then carved on my brain with luminescent red ink of desire – at least a dozen more. I mentally prepared our conversation – tried different variations of casualness, honesty and tenderness. I laid awake at night, gazing at the phone, ominous and teasing.

“Iffrin!” I desperately reprehended myself one night, almost a month after the gala. I clenched my teeth, breathed deeply several times, and made the call – prepared to invite her for innocent coffee.

“The number you are trying to reach has been disconnected or is no longer in service.” – said the mechanical and metallic voice that took me back to a place with no stars.

[readbookywooks]

The Angel ended, and in Adam's ear So charming left his voice, that he a while Thought him still speaking, still stood fixed to hear; Then, as new waked, thus gratefully replied. What thanks sufficient, or what recompence Equal, have I to render thee, divine Historian, who thus largely hast allayed The thirst I had of knowledge, and vouchsafed This friendly condescension to relate Things, else by me unsearchable; now heard With wonder, but delight, and, as is due, With glory attributed to the high Creator!  Something yet of doubt remains, Which only thy solution can resolve. When I behold this goodly frame, this world, Of Heaven and Earth consisting; and compute Their magnitudes; this Earth, a spot, a grain, An atom, with the firmament compared And all her numbered stars, that seem to roll Spaces incomprehensible, (for such Their distance argues, and their swift return Diurnal,) merely to officiate light Round this opacous Earth, this punctual spot, One day and night; in all her vast survey Useless besides; reasoning I oft admire, How Nature wise and frugal could commit Such disproportions, with superfluous hand So many nobler bodies to create, Greater so manifold, to this one use, For aught appears, and on their orbs impose Such restless revolution day by day Repeated; while the sedentary Earth, That better might with far less compass move, Served by more noble than herself, attains Her end without least motion, and receives, As tribute, such a sumless journey brought Of incorporeal speed, her warmth and light; Speed, to describe whose swiftness number fails. So spake our sire, and by his countenance seemed Entering on studious thoughts abstruse; which Eve Perceiving, where she sat retired in sight, With lowliness majestick from her seat, And grace that won who saw to wish her stay, Rose, and went forth among her fruits and flowers, To visit how they prospered, bud and bloom, Her nursery; they at her coming sprung, And, touched by her fair tendance, gladlier grew. Yet went she not, as not with such discourse Delighted, or not capable her ear Of what was high: such pleasure she reserved, Adam relating, she sole auditress; Her husband the relater she preferred Before the Angel, and of him to ask Chose rather; he, she knew, would intermix Grateful digressions, and solve high dispute With conjugal caresses: from his lip Not words alone pleased her.  O! when meet now Such pairs, in love and mutual honour joined? With Goddess-like demeanour forth she went, Not unattended; for on her, as Queen, A pomp of winning Graces waited still, And from about her shot darts of desire Into all eyes, to wish her still in sight. And Raphael now, to Adam's doubt proposed, Benevolent and facile thus replied. To ask or search, I blame thee not; for Heaven Is as the book of God before thee set, Wherein to read his wonderous works, and learn His seasons, hours, or days, or months, or years: This to attain, whether Heaven move or Earth, Imports not, if thou reckon right; the rest From Man or Angel the great Architect Did wisely to conceal, and not divulge His secrets to be scanned by them who ought Rather admire; or, if they list to try Conjecture, he his fabrick of the Heavens Hath left to their disputes, perhaps to move His laughter at their quaint opinions wide Hereafter; when they come to model Heaven And calculate the stars, how they will wield The mighty frame; how build, unbuild, contrive To save appearances; how gird the sphere With centrick and eccentrick scribbled o'er, Cycle and epicycle, orb in orb: Already by thy reasoning this I guess, Who art to lead thy offspring, and supposest That bodies bright and greater should not serve The less not bright, nor Heaven such journeys run, Earth sitting still, when she alone receives The benefit:  Consider first, that great Or bright infers not excellence: the Earth Though, in comparison of Heaven, so small, Nor glistering, may of solid good contain More plenty than the sun that barren shines; Whose virtue on itself works no effect, But in the fruitful Earth; there first received, His beams, unactive else, their vigour find. Yet not to Earth are those bright luminaries Officious; but to thee, Earth's habitant. And for the Heaven's wide circuit, let it speak The Maker's high magnificence, who built So spacious, and his line stretched out so far; That Man may know he dwells not in his own; An edifice too large for him to fill, Lodged in a small partition; and the rest Ordained for uses to his Lord best known. The swiftness of those circles attribute, Though numberless, to his Omnipotence, That to corporeal substances could add Speed almost spiritual:  Me thou thinkest not slow, Who since the morning-hour set out from Heaven Where God resides, and ere mid-day arrived In Eden; distance inexpressible By numbers that have name.  But this I urge, Admitting motion in the Heavens, to show Invalid that which thee to doubt it moved; Not that I so affirm, though so it seem To thee who hast thy dwelling here on Earth. God, to remove his ways from human sense, Placed Heaven from Earth so far, that earthly sight, If it presume, might err in things too high, And no advantage gain.  What if the sun Be center to the world; and other stars, By his attractive virtue and their own Incited, dance about him various rounds? Their wandering course now high, now low, then hid, Progressive, retrograde, or standing still, In six thou seest; and what if seventh to these The planet earth, so stedfast though she seem, Insensibly three different motions move? Which else to several spheres thou must ascribe, Moved contrary with thwart obliquities; Or save the sun his labour, and that swift Nocturnal and diurnal rhomb supposed, Invisible else above all stars, the wheel Of day and night; which needs not thy belief, If earth, industrious of herself, fetch day Travelling east, and with her part averse From the sun's beam meet night, her other part Still luminous by his ray.  What if that light, Sent from her through the wide transpicuous air, To the terrestrial moon be as a star, Enlightening her by day, as she by night This earth? reciprocal, if land be there, Fields and inhabitants:  Her spots thou seest As clouds, and clouds may rain, and rain produce Fruits in her softened soil for some to eat Allotted there; and other suns perhaps, With their attendant moons, thou wilt descry, Communicating male and female light; Which two great sexes animate the world, Stored in each orb perhaps with some that live. For such vast room in Nature unpossessed By living soul, desart and desolate, Only to shine, yet scarce to contribute Each orb a glimpse of light, conveyed so far Down to this habitable, which returns Light back to them, is obvious to dispute. But whether thus these things, or whether not; But whether the sun, predominant in Heaven, Rise on the earth; or earth rise on the sun; He from the east his flaming road begin; Or she from west her silent course advance, With inoffensive pace that spinning sleeps On her soft axle, while she paces even, And bears thee soft with the smooth hair along; Sollicit not thy thoughts with matters hid; Leave them to God above; him serve, and fear! Of other creatures, as him pleases best, Wherever placed, let him dispose; joy thou In what he gives to thee, this Paradise And thy fair Eve; Heaven is for thee too high To know what passes there; be lowly wise: Think only what concerns thee, and thy being; Dream not of other worlds, what creatures there Live, in what state, condition, or degree; Contented that thus far hath been revealed Not of Earth only, but of highest Heaven. To whom thus Adam, cleared of doubt, replied. How fully hast thou satisfied me, pure Intelligence of Heaven, Angel serene! And, freed from intricacies, taught to live The easiest way; nor with perplexing thoughts To interrupt the sweet of life, from which God hath bid dwell far off all anxious cares, And not molest us; unless we ourselves Seek them with wandering thoughts, and notions vain. But apt the mind or fancy is to rove Unchecked, and of her roving is no end; Till warned, or by experience taught, she learn, That, not to know at large of things remote From use, obscure and subtle; but, to know That which before us lies in daily life, Is the prime wisdom:  What is more, is fume, Or emptiness, or fond impertinence: And renders us, in things that most concern, Unpractised, unprepared, and still to seek. Therefore from this high pitch let us descend A lower flight, and speak of things at hand Useful; whence, haply, mention may arise Of something not unseasonable to ask, By sufferance, and thy wonted favour, deigned. Thee I have heard relating what was done Ere my remembrance: now, hear me relate My story, which perhaps thou hast not heard; And day is not yet spent; till then thou seest How subtly to detain thee I devise; Inviting thee to hear while I relate; Fond! were it not in hope of thy reply: For, while I sit with thee, I seem in Heaven; And sweeter thy discourse is to my ear Than fruits of palm-tree pleasantest to thirst And hunger both, from labour, at the hour Of sweet repast; they satiate, and soon fill, Though pleasant; but thy words, with grace divine Imbued, bring to their sweetness no satiety. To whom thus Raphael answered heavenly meek. Nor are thy lips ungraceful, Sire of men, Nor tongue ineloquent; for God on thee Abundantly his gifts hath also poured Inward and outward both, his image fair: Speaking, or mute, all comeliness and grace Attends thee; and each word, each motion, forms; Nor less think we in Heaven of thee on Earth Than of our fellow-servant, and inquire Gladly into the ways of God with Man: For God, we see, hath honoured thee, and set On Man his equal love:  Say therefore on; For I that day was absent, as befel, Bound on a voyage uncouth and obscure, Far on excursion toward the gates of Hell; Squared in full legion (such command we had) To see that none thence issued forth a spy, Or enemy, while God was in his work; Lest he, incensed at such eruption bold, Destruction with creation might have mixed. Not that they durst without his leave attempt; But us he sends upon his high behests For state, as Sovran King; and to inure Our prompt obedience.  Fast we found, fast shut, The dismal gates, and barricadoed strong; But long ere our approaching heard within Noise, other than the sound of dance or song, Torment, and loud lament, and furious rage. Glad we returned up to the coasts of light Ere sabbath-evening: so we had in charge. But thy relation now; for I attend, Pleased with thy words no less than thou with mine. So spake the Godlike Power, and thus our Sire. For Man to tell how human life began Is hard; for who himself beginning knew Desire with thee still longer to converse Induced me.  As new waked from soundest sleep, Soft on the flowery herb I found me laid, In balmy sweat; which with his beams the sun Soon dried, and on the reeking moisture fed. Straight toward Heaven my wondering eyes I turned, And gazed a while the ample sky; till, raised By quick instinctive motion, up I sprung, As thitherward endeavouring, and upright Stood on my feet: about me round I saw Hill, dale, and shady woods, and sunny plains, And liquid lapse of murmuring streams; by these, Creatures that lived and moved, and walked, or flew; Birds on the branches warbling; all things smiled; With fragrance and with joy my heart o'erflowed. Myself I then perused, and limb by limb Surveyed, and sometimes went, and sometimes ran With supple joints, as lively vigour led: But who I was, or where, or from what cause, Knew not; to speak I tried, and forthwith spake; My tongue obeyed, and readily could name Whate'er I saw.  Thou Sun, said I, fair light, And thou enlightened Earth, so fresh and gay, Ye Hills, and Dales, ye Rivers, Woods, and Plains, And ye that live and move, fair Creatures, tell, Tell, if ye saw, how I came thus, how here?-- Not of myself;--by some great Maker then, In goodness and in power pre-eminent: Tell me, how may I know him, how adore, From whom I have that thus I move and live, And feel that I am happier than I know.-- While thus I called, and strayed I knew not whither, From where I first drew air, and first beheld This happy light; when, answer none returned, On a green shady bank, profuse of flowers, Pensive I sat me down:  There gentle sleep First found me, and with soft oppression seised My droused sense, untroubled, though I thought I then was passing to my former state Insensible, and forthwith to dissolve: When suddenly stood at my head a dream, Whose inward apparition gently moved My fancy to believe I yet had being, And lived:  One came, methought, of shape divine, And said, 'Thy mansion wants thee, Adam; rise, 'First Man, of men innumerable ordained 'First Father! called by thee, I come thy guide 'To the garden of bliss, thy seat prepared.' So saying, by the hand he took me raised, And over fields and waters, as in air Smooth-sliding without step, last led me up A woody mountain; whose high top was plain, A circuit wide, enclosed, with goodliest trees Planted, with walks, and bowers; that what I saw Of Earth before scarce pleasant seemed.  Each tree, Loaden with fairest fruit that hung to the eye Tempting, stirred in me sudden appetite To pluck and eat; whereat I waked, and found Before mine eyes all real, as the dream Had lively shadowed:  Here had new begun My wandering, had not he, who was my guide Up hither, from among the trees appeared, Presence Divine.  Rejoicing, but with awe, In adoration at his feet I fell Submiss:  He reared me, and 'Whom thou soughtest I am,' Said mildly, 'Author of all this thou seest 'Above, or round about thee, or beneath. 'This Paradise I give thee, count it thine 'To till and keep, and of the fruit to eat: 'Of every tree that in the garden grows 'Eat freely with glad heart; fear here no dearth: 'But of the tree whose operation brings 'Knowledge of good and ill, which I have set 'The pledge of thy obedience and thy faith, 'Amid the garden by the tree of life, 'Remember what I warn thee, shun to taste, 'And shun the bitter consequence: for know, 'The day thou eatest thereof, my sole command 'Transgressed, inevitably thou shalt die, 'From that day mortal; and this happy state 'Shalt lose, expelled from hence into a world 'Of woe and sorrow.'  Sternly he pronounced The rigid interdiction, which resounds Yet dreadful in mine ear, though in my choice Not to incur; but soon his clear aspect Returned, and gracious purpose thus renewed. 'Not only these fair bounds, but all the Earth 'To thee and to thy race I give; as lords 'Possess it, and all things that therein live, 'Or live in sea, or air; beast, fish, and fowl. 'In sign whereof, each bird and beast behold 'After their kinds; I bring them to receive 'From thee their names, and pay thee fealty 'With low subjection; understand the same 'Of fish within their watery residence, 'Not hither summoned, since they cannot change 'Their element, to draw the thinner air.' As thus he spake, each bird and beast behold Approaching two and two; these cowering low With blandishment; each bird stooped on his wing. I named them, as they passed, and understood Their nature, with such knowledge God endued My sudden apprehension:  But in these I found not what methought I wanted still; And to the heavenly Vision thus presumed. O, by what name, for thou above all these, Above mankind, or aught than mankind higher, Surpassest far my naming; how may I Adore thee, Author of this universe, And all this good to man? for whose well being So amply, and with hands so liberal, Thou hast provided all things:  But with me I see not who partakes.  In solitude What happiness, who can enjoy alone, Or, all enjoying, what contentment find? Thus I presumptuous; and the Vision bright, As with a smile more brightened, thus replied. What callest thou solitude?  Is not the Earth With various living creatures, and the air Replenished, and all these at thy command To come and play before thee?  Knowest thou not Their language and their ways?  They also know, And reason not contemptibly:  With these Find pastime, and bear rule; thy realm is large. So spake the Universal Lord, and seemed So ordering:  I, with leave of speech implored, And humble deprecation, thus replied. Let not my words offend thee, Heavenly Power; My Maker, be propitious while I speak. Hast thou not made me here thy substitute, And these inferiour far beneath me set? Among unequals what society Can sort, what harmony, or true delight? Which must be mutual, in proportion due Given and received; but, in disparity The one intense, the other still remiss, Cannot well suit with either, but soon prove Tedious alike:  Of fellowship I speak Such as I seek, fit to participate All rational delight: wherein the brute Cannot be human consort:  They rejoice Each with their kind, lion with lioness; So fitly them in pairs thou hast combined: Much less can bird with beast, or fish with fowl So well converse, nor with the ox the ape; Worse then can man with beast, and least of all. Whereto the Almighty answered, not displeased. A nice and subtle happiness, I see, Thou to thyself proposest, in the choice Of thy associates, Adam! and wilt taste No pleasure, though in pleasure, solitary. What thinkest thou then of me, and this my state? Seem I to thee sufficiently possessed Of happiness, or not? who am alone From all eternity; for none I know Second to me or like, equal much less. How have I then with whom to hold converse, Save with the creatures which I made, and those To me inferiour, infinite descents Beneath what other creatures are to thee? He ceased; I lowly answered.  To attain The highth and depth of thy eternal ways All human thoughts come short, Supreme of things! Thou in thyself art perfect, and in thee Is no deficience found:  Not so is Man, But in degree; the cause of his desire By conversation with his like to help Or solace his defects.  No need that thou Shouldst propagate, already Infinite; And through all numbers absolute, though One: But Man by number is to manifest His single imperfection, and beget Like of his like, his image multiplied, In unity defective; which requires Collateral love, and dearest amity. Thou in thy secresy although alone, Best with thyself accompanied, seekest not Social communication; yet, so pleased, Canst raise thy creature to what highth thou wilt Of union or communion, deified: I, by conversing, cannot these erect From prone; nor in their ways complacence find. Thus I emboldened spake, and freedom used Permissive, and acceptance found; which gained This answer from the gracious Voice Divine. Thus far to try thee, Adam, I was pleased; And find thee knowing, not of beasts alone, Which thou hast rightly named, but of thyself; Expressing well the spirit within thee free, My image, not imparted to the brute; Whose fellowship therefore unmeet for thee Good reason was thou freely shouldst dislike; And be so minded still:  I, ere thou spakest, Knew it not good for Man to be alone; And no such company as then thou sawest Intended thee; for trial only brought, To see how thou couldest judge of fit and meet: What next I bring shall please thee, be assured, Thy likeness, thy fit help, thy other self, Thy wish exactly to thy heart's desire. He ended, or I heard no more; for now My earthly by his heavenly overpowered, Which it had long stood under, strained to the highth In that celestial colloquy sublime, As with an object that excels the sense Dazzled and spent, sunk down; and sought repair Of sleep, which instantly fell on me, called By Nature as in aid, and closed mine eyes. Mine eyes he closed, but open left the cell Of fancy, my internal sight; by which, Abstract as in a trance, methought I saw, Though sleeping, where I lay, and saw the shape Still glorious before whom awake I stood: Who stooping opened my left side, and took From thence a rib, with cordial spirits warm, And life-blood streaming fresh; wide was the wound, But suddenly with flesh filled up and healed: The rib he formed and fashioned with his hands; Under his forming hands a creature grew, Man-like, but different sex; so lovely fair, That what seemed fair in all the world, seemed now Mean, or in her summed up, in her contained And in her looks; which from that time infused Sweetness into my heart, unfelt before, And into all things from her air inspired The spirit of love and amorous delight. She disappeared, and left me dark; I waked To find her, or for ever to deplore Her loss, and other pleasures all abjure: When out of hope, behold her, not far off, Such as I saw her in my dream, adorned With what all Earth or Heaven could bestow To make her amiable:  On she came, Led by her heavenly Maker, though unseen, And guided by his voice; nor uninformed Of nuptial sanctity, and marriage rites: Grace was in all her steps, Heaven in her eye, In every gesture dignity and love. I, overjoyed, could not forbear aloud. This turn hath made amends; thou hast fulfilled Thy words, Creator bounteous and benign, Giver of all things fair! but fairest this Of all thy gifts! nor enviest.  I now see Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh, myself Before me:  Woman is her name;of Man Extracted: for this cause he shall forego Father and mother, and to his wife adhere; And they shall be one flesh, one heart, one soul. She heard me thus; and though divinely brought, Yet innocence, and virgin modesty, Her virtue, and the conscience of her worth, That would be wooed, and not unsought be won, Not obvious, not obtrusive, but, retired, The more desirable; or, to say all, Nature herself, though pure of sinful thought, Wrought in her so, that, seeing me, she turned: I followed her; she what was honour knew, And with obsequious majesty approved My pleaded reason.  To the nuptial bower I led her blushing like the morn: All Heaven, And happy constellations, on that hour Shed their selectest influence; the Earth Gave sign of gratulation, and each hill; Joyous the birds; fresh gales and gentle airs Whispered it to the woods, and from their wings Flung rose, flung odours from the spicy shrub, Disporting, till the amorous bird of night Sung spousal, and bid haste the evening-star On his hill top, to light the bridal lamp. Thus have I told thee all my state, and brought My story to the sum of earthly bliss, Which I enjoy; and must confess to find In all things else delight indeed, but such As, used or not, works in the mind no change, Nor vehement desire; these delicacies I mean of taste, sight, smell, herbs, fruits, and flowers, Walks, and the melody of birds: but here Far otherwise, transported I behold, Transported touch; here passion first I felt, Commotion strange! in all enjoyments else Superiour and unmoved; here only weak Against the charm of Beauty's powerful glance. Or Nature failed in me, and left some part Not proof enough such object to sustain; Or, from my side subducting, took perhaps More than enough; at least on her bestowed Too much of ornament, in outward show Elaborate, of inward less exact. For well I understand in the prime end Of Nature her the inferiour, in the mind And inward faculties, which most excel; In outward also her resembling less His image who made both, and less expressing The character of that dominion given O'er other creatures:  Yet when I approach Her loveliness, so absolute she seems And in herself complete, so well to know Her own, that what she wills to do or say, Seems wisest, virtuousest, discreetest, best: All higher knowledge in her presence falls Degraded;  Wisdom in discourse with her Loses discountenanced, and like Folly shows; Authority and Reason on her wait, As one intended first, not after made Occasionally; and, to consummate all, Greatness of mind and Nobleness their seat Build in her loveliest, and create an awe About her, as a guard angelick placed. To whom the Angel with contracted brow. Accuse not Nature, she hath done her part; Do thou but thine; and be not diffident Of Wisdom; she deserts thee not, if thou Dismiss not her, when most thou needest her nigh, By attributing overmuch to things Less excellent, as thou thyself perceivest. For, what admirest thou, what transports thee so, An outside? fair, no doubt, and worthy well Thy cherishing, thy honouring, and thy love; Not thy subjection:  Weigh with her thyself; Then value:  Oft-times nothing profits more Than self-esteem, grounded on just and right Well managed; of that skill the more thou knowest, The more she will acknowledge thee her head, And to realities yield all her shows: Made so adorn for thy delight the more, So awful, that with honour thou mayest love Thy mate, who sees when thou art seen least wise. But if the sense of touch, whereby mankind Is propagated, seem such dear delight Beyond all other; think the same vouchsafed To cattle and each beast; which would not be To them made common and divulged, if aught Therein enjoyed were worthy to subdue The soul of man, or passion in him move. What higher in her society thou findest Attractive, human, rational, love still; In loving thou dost well, in passion not, Wherein true love consists not:  Love refines The thoughts, and heart enlarges; hath his seat In reason, and is judicious; is the scale By which to heavenly love thou mayest ascend, Not sunk in carnal pleasure; for which cause, Among the beasts no mate for thee was found. To whom thus, half abashed, Adam replied. Neither her outside formed so fair, nor aught In procreation common to all kinds, (Though higher of the genial bed by far, And with mysterious reverence I deem,) So much delights me, as those graceful acts, Those thousand decencies, that daily flow From all her words and actions mixed with love And sweet compliance, which declare unfeigned Union of mind, or in us both one soul; Harmony to behold in wedded pair More grateful than harmonious sound to the ear. Yet these subject not; I to thee disclose What inward thence I feel, not therefore foiled, Who meet with various objects, from the sense Variously representing; yet, still free, Approve the best, and follow what I approve. To love, thou blamest me not; for Love, thou sayest, Leads up to Heaven, is both the way and guide; Bear with me then, if lawful what I ask: Love not the heavenly Spirits, and how their love Express they? by looks only? or do they mix Irradiance, virtual or immediate touch? To whom the Angel, with a smile that glowed Celestial rosy red, Love's proper hue, Answered.  Let it suffice thee that thou knowest Us happy, and without love no happiness. Whatever pure thou in the body enjoyest, (And pure thou wert created) we enjoy In eminence; and obstacle find none Of membrane, joint, or limb, exclusive bars; Easier than air with air, if Spirits embrace, Total they mix, union of pure with pure Desiring, nor restrained conveyance need, As flesh to mix with flesh, or soul with soul. But I can now no more; the parting sun Beyond the Earth's green Cape and verdant Isles Hesperian sets, my signal to depart. Be strong, live happy, and love!  But, first of all, Him, whom to love is to obey, and keep His great command; take heed lest passion sway Thy judgement to do aught, which else free will Would not admit: thine, and of all thy sons, The weal or woe in thee is placed; beware! I in thy persevering shall rejoice, And all the Blest:  Stand fast;to stand or fall Free in thine own arbitrement it lies. Perfect within, no outward aid require; And all temptation to transgress repel. So saying, he arose; whom Adam thus Followed with benediction.  Since to part, Go, heavenly guest, ethereal Messenger, Sent from whose sovran goodness I adore! Gentle to me and affable hath been Thy condescension, and shall be honoured ever With grateful memory:  Thou to mankind Be good and friendly still, and oft return! So parted they; the Angel up to Heaven From the thick shade, and Adam to his bower.