#// there's a vulnerability factor too that makes her hyper aware to who / what she truly is

[usagimen]

            I constantly am haunted by the thought that sexualizing Sayuri is incredibly difficult. She’s an incredibly reserved, cut off, modest person from her own social upbringing that hindered on not discussing such topics openly. Sexuality is difficult for her but she’s openly been known to show an interest in both masc && femme individuals, one must equate themselves in mental fortitude or strength at her level or she will turn away. She also has a soft spot for genuinely good, kind, empathetic people, those that are unlovable or zealous as her, mournful souls, all of which she comes to adore. It’s a bit of a paradox to say she is modest too as she is prone to having moments of nudity where it’s just that, a physical corporeal form that means nothing, the body is a vessel for the soul in her eyes. She is also open about being a virgin as it’s not uncommon from the world she comes from, private affairs are typically just that, utterly private && something she doesn’t discuss too much unless one is her partner or friends with benefits. This was on my mind since she’s such a lovergirl, protag of a romantic novel, though at the same time she will die if you hold her hand.

[bigskydreaming]

Since you mentioned the constant plot lines of Dick subjected to mind fuckery, does Dick ever think about "Am I really in control right now" while doing something normal like making breakfast. Is he questioning constantly if he actually made that choice for himself? *calls up trusted telepaths and mystics to safeguard Dick's mind forever and ever*

Absolutely. I headcanon that Dick’s built up something of an obsessive habit about constantly looking for new meditative techniques, brain tricks and methods of trying to train his mind to be more resistant to external intrusion/manipulation, like in his downtime his brain is always busy working on that never-ending puzzle of trying to constantly figure out new ways of how to tell that he’s not himself or he’s being influenced by someone or something else. So he’s never reliant on stagnated or outdated ideas or techniques or becoming complacement that he’s alone in his head.

Its a very specific, very weird kind of hyper-vigilance, and it is absolutely not healthy but it is what it is and he doesn’t see any alternative to it. He just doesn’t know how to feel safe and confident in the idea that his mind is impregnable, his will is his own and no one is out to manipulate his thoughts....because its too often been proven that when it comes to him, none of these things are true. It sucks, but no matter how often Dick is perceived as an optimist by others, he’s a realist as much as he can be, and he feels better, more in control, more empowered by being vigilant and proactive about safeguarding and double-checking his thoughts. Because he knows from experience how much greater a toll it takes on him in the aftermath of being taken over or manipulated, when he ends up secondguessing everything he did under someone else’s control and whether or not he could have seen it coming or prevented it.

He and Lilith have a standing coffee date every other week to meet up for drinks and gossip about the other Titans and the cape community, but the unspoken understanding is that while they’re there Lilith runs a scan of his thoughts searching for any sign that there’s someone else’s fingerprints somewhere in there. Like everything else about this, its a messy kind of compromise that they both have considerably mixed feelings about. Dick is someone who likes his secrets, he’s taken the idea that knowledge is power to heart over the course of his life and feels that too much knowledge of him gives people too much power over him.....but he also feels too much guilt over things he’s done while controlled by others and too much fear for what others might use him to do in the future and he’s past the point where he’s willing to let his pride or feelings of vulnerability get in the way of making sure he’s not being used to hurt people he loves again. Its not like people hijacking his brain don’t get access to all his secrets that way anyway, so he’d rather have them in the hands of someone he trusts, like one of his oldest friends, than in the hands of his enemies. 

But at the same time, the consequence of this intimate knowledge, of Lilith knowing him so well, so much better than he’s ever truly comfortable with is there’s a ceiling to how close they’re ever able to be as friends. Like its this weird thing where they’re close enough that Dick trusts her with the deepest darkest corners of his head, but that very knowledge of his mind is the reason that at the same time, he can’t quite relax around her ever, with them both being hyper aware of this but there’s not really a fix for it, at least that they’ve found. Dick just doesn’t know how to be so exposed without feeling judged or about to be judged, and he’s not about to ask Lil to be his therapist when he’s already asking so much of her being his secret-keeper and safeguard making sure he’s himself and not a risk to others.

Lilith, for her part, doesn’t like anything about this but doesn’t have any other ideas to offer. She knows Dick’s approach to all this is far from healthy but she also knows why it exists and why it is what it is, and she can’t exactly say that his fears are unfounded or that the possibility of him being hijacked and used against his teammates and family isn’t a very real threat, as its been in the past. And she knows exactly how much it pains Dick to let himself be so exposed in front of her for the sake of keeping others safe, and is glad to be someone he can trust for that, as well as being at least glad that she can offer him some peace of mind and reassurance, even if it feels too much like a stopgap and band-aid rather than any real kind of solution. 

But at the same time, this sorta thing requires they both be bluntly honest with each other and there are no real illusions between them, so she doesn’t bother trying to hide that a part of her resents her friend putting this on her, hates the fact that the only reason she is trusted to know him so much better than anyone else is because of necessity. And she really hates knowing the things that he doesn’t share with anyone else and really needs to be sharing or asking for help with or working on in therapy, because she’s hyper-aware of how vulnerable he is to feeling judged and doesn’t want to break this tenuous arrangement by doing exactly that. The downside of being a telepath with someone’s mind wide open before you is no matter how much their thoughts and actions frustrate you, you can’t help but be 100% aware of why they’re like that and just what exactly goes into making them so resistant to change or help. 

And that’s what makes up her part of what keeps their friendship brittle and sharp-edged, even despite it being very real and the source of why she does this for him and why he trusts her to do it at all, even with necessity factored in......there’s distance from her side of the equation just like he has his own, because there’s too much obligation and duty and responsibility and caution bound up in the intimate knowledge between them for them to ever fully feel like the friends they SHOULD be and even WANT to be......and so its weird because she knows things about Dick that nobody else ever will, he shares things with her that he won’t with anyone else, and yet despite that and even because of that they’ll never actually be as close to each other as they are with Donna, Roy, Wally, Garth and others. 

And they’re both keenly aware of that and are uncomfortable with it because its not what friendship is supposed to be like, its not what they want it to be like, they just don’t know how to make it any other way, all things considered.

But again, even still, there is the fact that there is friendship between them and its real, and its why Lilith keeps showing up even despite her resentments and why Dick keeps letting her in his mind despite how intensely he hates baring everything for someone else. 

Lil does it because she knows at the end of the day, Dick only asks because he’s scared, because he doesn’t feel safe and secure in his own mind without her help, and that’s something everyone deserves, especially a friend she values and respects as much as she does Dick. 

And Dick only asks because he recognizes and accepts that as much as he hates it, the truth is he flat out doesn’t trust himself to be sure he’s in control at all times, which leaves his only option being to trust someone else, with that requiring that he actually TRUST them, fully and completely. And at the end of the day, he does trust Lilith to not just be able to help keep his mind secure but to WANT to, to be invested in it because she’s his friend and she cares about him.

Its fucked up and messy and complicated and sharp-edged and painful, but at least it works, so they make the most of it, focus on the positives as much as they can, and share another scone as they gossip about Gar’s latest crush.