#// desire coming for morph's entire throat AND his dinner plate | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

cryokinesisandlight · 8 years ago

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Maybe if I skip Dinner (20)

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pairings: xiuchen and baekyeol. xiumin and baekhyun centric, though.

genre: angst

rating: nc-17

warnings: eating disorders (bulimia and anorexia), self-harm, self-hatred

please take care of yourself if you choose to read.

Eating has him almost gagging on reflex. Jihyun raises an eyebrow at him and Baekhyun winces. She had doubted him when he told her that he used to vomit twice a day. Whether or not she didn't believe the number or whether or not she didn't believe that he vomited, Baekhyun isn't sure of. And sure, he lied. He didn't vomit twice a day, he used to vomit all the time.

He doesn't anymore though because he's actually getting better. That is not to say that he is fine and believes in himself, not at all. He does still on occasion sneak in the diet pill when it gets a little too rough and the thoughts still linger in the back of his mind.

The weight loss dream is still there. But yeah, sure, he is getting better.

"How does it make you feel?" she asks after a minute and Baekhyun puts the spoon down before he sighs and looks up from his half-eaten plate.

"Gross," he answers and she sends him a smile. He doesn't know what she makes of his progress but she says she can definitely feel it coming.

She told him it takes times and not just a week or two, no, a long time. Baekhyun doubted her words at first. How long could it take to actually stop wanting to vomit or hurt himself when it took such a short time to start wanting it in the first place. But Baekhyun has grown smarter than that because it is taking him a long time.

He hates their eating sessions the most. Talking is one thing, it's a little like lying except he can't lie if he honestly wants to get better and he does. Baekhyun has seen just a little bit of hope on the other side that doesn't include razors or white toilet bowls and he wants that. He wishes he could have kept his weight as well though but you can't have everything.

The first time Jihyun had asked him to step on the scale after he was discharged was also the first time since his suicide attempt that he was to watch his weight. And the 53 that had mocked him in red had forced him into a panic attack, a sudden desire to lose more weight, to run to the bathroom and prod at his gag reflex and get it out, out, out.

But Baekhyun hadn't vomited that day because the door was locked and Jihyun was there.

Well, he hadn't vomited at the hospital. He had found a public bathroom on his way home and forced two fingers down his throat until the horrible feeling of guilt had gone away. Jihyun doesn't know this. Baekhyun doesn't find it necessary to tell her this because it's a step back he isn't exactly proud of.

"Are you full?" she asks when he hasn't taken a bite in 5 minutes and Baekhyun decides that, yes, he's full. He isn't. But the feeling of being full still really terrifies him and sure, he wants to get better, but he can't just magically get better. At least not if magically getting better includes being full. He nods and sends her a smile.

They spend the rest of the hour talking about how eating makes him feel and Baekhyun isn't sure he's supposed to lie if he's supposed to be getting better, but he can't help it.

Baekhyun steps out of the hospital and forces himself not to find the first public bathroom he can. He'll just eat little for dinner tonight and it should be fine. They all know he eats with Jihyun every second Monday anyway.

A car honks a few meters away from him and when Baekhyun looks up he recognizes Joonmyun's car. The passenger door opens and Chanyeol leans out with a goofy grin spread across his features.

"Hurry up," he says and Baekhyun almost run to catch up with the two of them.

"Where are we going?" he asks when he gets into the car. Joonmyun offers him a smile and tells him they're going shopping for Jongdae's birthday party. Baekhyun stiffens a little on the back seat. Birthdays. Birthdays mean cake and candy and fat food and Baekhyun doesn't think he's particularly ready for that.

Joonmyun interrupts his train of thought when he starts the car and drives off from the hospital. Baekhyun sinks back into the leather seats and turns to look at the city as they drive past.

He knows he shouldn't be thinking of ways to avoid the birthday party because that is only another setback and still his mind keeps reminding him to eat a diet pill daily the entire week before the birthday party to make sure he doesn't gain too much, to remember that he can always prod at his gag reflex if he gets too full and to remember to jog 5 km to burn off calories.

He shakes his head slowly. He needs to tell Jihyun about this tomorrow but as Joonmyun parks the car and Chanyeol excitedly hurries off like a way-too-big puppy Baekhyun files it in the back of his mind as 'things that shouldn't be said out loud'.

He smiles as he walks with Joonmyun. The older is talking about what present to get Jongdae and Baekhyun honestly almost forgets what he was thinking about in the car and why he is so afraid of birthday parties, to begin with.

They settle on an RC car, Joonmyun is sure Jongdae is going to love and Baekhyun finds himself laughing when Chanyeol comes back with a pair of ridiculous sunglasses and declares that he's going to give them to Jongdae. Joonmyun just rolls his eyes, but Baekhyun can't thank Chanyeol enough for making him laugh genuinely and he finds himself willing to fight it all once again.

There is a life on the other side of self-induced vomiting and black thoughts. Chanyeol begs Joonmyun to buy him bubbletea and the leader is, as usual, kind enough to do so. Baekhyun declines but promises it's not because of his thoughts and for once it's actually true.

The dorm is filled with balloons and other decorations. There's a cake in the refrigerator along with plenty of delicious dishes that has been created by fancy chefs.

There's a mountain of candy stocked away in the cabinets and Baekhyun knows he shouldn't be doing this. He wants to will himself to move, to go back to bed, Jongdae will come home tomorrow and he will see it all and be happy and they will celebrate and eat it all together. That's how it's supposed to be.

Baekhyun shouldn't be standing in the kitchen at 3.23 in the morning and staring into the sharp orange light of the refrigerator as the coldness seeps into the room. This is wrong. Baekhyun is getting better, right? He is definitely getting better so why is he here, staring at the cheesecake that calls his name in the most seductive way he has ever heard.

He closes the refrigerator while he tells himself no. First and foremost, he won't get any skinnier if he eats alone. That is rule number one. He can't eat alone. Even Jihyun says this because she wants him to break the dangerous binge-cycle. But he can't will himself away from the kitchen. It's like there's a force field keeping him there, telling him to taste it, if only to make sure that it actually tastes good enough to serve.

Instead of opening the refrigerator he opens the cabinets and stares at the candy. One candy bar won't make him fat. Nobody will notice it has gone away. It's a little like midnight snacking he tells himself. Just one candy bar and then he'll go to sleep. One candy bar won't make him feel guilty either so there will be no reason to do any harm after. Just one.

Baekhyun reaches for one but grabs two unconsciously. Okay, he can do two. Two candy bars aren't going to make him fat and they won't make him feel guilty. He slowly opens the first one.

As he takes the first bite he closes his eyes and moans lowly. It tastes so good. The softness of the chocolate melts on his tongue and it's just too good. Baekhyun hasn't tasted anything as heavenly in a long long time.

He quickly devours the first candy bar and opens the second. Just one more. One more is okay and his stomach is begging him for more. More, more, more.

Baekhyun grabs another candy bar from the cabinet. Then another one. The wrappers fall to the floor like rain, Baekhyun too occupied with eating to actually care. He doesn't know how many he's eaten but the wrappers on the floor say 11 when he opens the refrigerator once again.

The cake looks so tasty and the small dishes of seafood and other delicacies call out to him once again.

So Baekhyun naturally grabs the cake and finds a fork and starts eating. The cheesecake is soft and delicious and it has him moaning in delight as well as he scoops bite after bite down. He hardly even chews it.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, a little voice tells him to stop. It's drowned the second he opens the coke and takes a gulp. He sits on the floor and grabs dish after dish, shoving food inside.

And then suddenly he realizes that he's ruining Jongdae's birthday. He's eaten almost all the food and it's now 4.12 am. He stares in shock at his reflection in the metallic refrigerator door and how it slowly morphs into fat cheeks and a double chin. He's disgusting. He's absolutely disgusting.

Baekhyun hates himself in that moment. He was doing so well. He was trying to fight it all, he had been getting better.

Sure, he was told recovery was hard, but this - this is just disgusting. This is not recovering. This is not who Baekhyun was supposed to be. This is just the nightmare all along and he'll be getting both fat and disgusting.

He gets up and scrambles to the bathroom. One last time. He promises that he'll call Jihyun tomorrow and tell her everything. What he's been doing. He almost wants to call her now and just cry, tell her how stupid he is and how disgusting he is but he can't call at 4 am, she's asleep.

So he does the only thing he knows - he opens his mouth and lets two fingers prod at his gag reflex until he vomits.

Then he feels a strong pain in his stomach and he removes his fingers from his throat to clutch at his stomach. The pain is stronger than anything he has ever felt before, it's dizzying and definitely way worse than cutting his wrist.

It's nauseating and Baekhyun feels the overwhelming need to vomit again so he does so except this time it's mostly blood. It's disgusting really, as he coughs into the toilet and the blood drips down his chin.

The pain in his stomach spreads from the left side to the right and he curls into a ball on the white-tiled floor as he tries his best to conquer the pain. It'll go away in a minute. It always does, Baekhyun hasn't done anything abnormally wrong.

He coughs again, specks of blood painting the white floor. His heart is beating faster than it usually is but Baekhyun doesn't notice because the pain is so overwhelming.

He's hyperventilating when he notices how hard breathing has actually become and he tries to force himself to relax, to stop panicking and to take deep breaths. Breathing doesn't get easier nor does the stomach pain let up. And as he closes his eyes tightly shut to focus on letting go of the pain, he's painfully aware of how similar this situation is to something else.

He cries out, tears falling from his eyes as the pain gets too intense and then he drifts off into blackness, a sudden feeling of calmness filling him. All he sees is black.

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