#/ this has too many tw's but its his character so askldaj idk

[zhisi]

idk what his canon sector is like. we probably wont find out all the details for a year, if ever, but i'm just gonna do what i want.

i like the idea that xi was cured with the vidyadhara blood but he wasn't turned into a vidyadhara. which means the initial experiment ( to turn him into a vidyadhara ) was a failure. so instead they just used him as a throw away test subject for whatever. to see how far a body can be pushed before it breaks. how effective is the vidyadhara blood + bone marrow at combating the foreign parts of other species. of literal monsters. thinking about how xi's sickness as a child was documented as "cured" from the experiments, medicine, but it was actually just replaced with various other side effects, pain, etc. i'm thinking that his sickness was something life threatening, that he wouldn't have survived if no one had intervened, and it's the vidyadhara blood that actually cured him. he knows that he's only alive because of the experiments but he struggles to come to terms with how he has to live. at times, the pain is so bad that he wishes he had never been saved in the first place. he was told that he was their secret weapon, that he was special, unique, was the only one that could do what needed to be done to serve the organization, but all of it was just manipulation. they forced him into silence through various methods, like mental and physical torture. twisted his thoughts into believing that all he is is the organization's dagger, to be wielded without conscience. should any budding of a potential guilt form, of a desire to fight back, expose all of the wrongdoings, one of the other children in the organization would be punished instead. because nothing broke xi more than being unable to do anything whilst he watched the light leave his loved ones eyes. it's the main reason why he agreed to go with the cult to begin with. as a young child, he watched his friends suffer, with him powerless to do anything about it. he couldn't save them, but he could save these kids by simply following orders. keeping his mouth shut. he'd gotten pretty skilled at silence, anyway.