#/ aurgh she really said it's existential pity party hours

[neuroslayyer]

I don't wanna talk about it, is all that she had said. A simple dismissal spoken in a rougher tone than needed or even intended.

“fuck you, then. keep your secrets.” @rockerb0y replies back.

And that sets her over the already rocky edge. "No, no. Fuck you." V snaps, head whipping to glare where his reflection has glitched into existence. "Just because you and I are two halves of the same worm now doesn't mean you get to be privy to everything that still rattles in my smashed psyche! I'm still me! I think, therefore I am!" At the end of her rage is a very obvious note of desperation. A crack rumbling through her chest; lungs feel like they're being squeezed in conjunction to being punched in the heart. A taste of metal forms in the back of her throat, tickling her tongue.

Yet the waves of pain that normally signal the beginning of a malfunction never bring anything to fruition. If anything she's just worked herself up to a near tizzy.

"Besides...it's stupid." The column is cool against the heated flesh of reddened cheek. Her body full leans against the modern tomb. "I had the thought that I truly didn't know him. That maybe what I saw of him wasn't genuine." Fake. That maybe he only tolerated her till he could make his exit. Surely that can't be so. There was some tired melancholy in his eyes that she hadn't recognized in her youth, only years later recounting the phantom of him would she.

Finger traces the characters of the name of the him in question --- Kaede. The lines of the epitaph setting her features aglow. This niche was the first thing she saved up for and bought with gig money. A weird splurge some would think; pissing eddies away on a person long gone near thirty years. "We weren't attached at the hip. But we spent a lot of time together." Him furiously scribbling in sketchbooks, pausing to help her with homeschool work. During stormy weather he'd tell stories of ghosts and demons complete with the appropriate theatrics. Their rare outings away from home, joking and laughing. A smile bright and warm as sunshine.

"I cherish those fragments. Is it truly possible to miss someone you didn't even really get to know? Or is it the idea of him I miss?" Pathetically she claws and clings to the threads of her lost bloodkin. Even when she thinks the wound has finally healed only for it to be ripped open once more. All she knows of him are those moments to be lost in time like tears in rain. Along with the heavily redacted electronic files never meant to see the light of day.

With a grunt, V pushes herself upright. Hardened gaze once turns to the pixelated projection of the dead rocker. It infuriates her how much he knows about her (more than anyone else has been given the privilege of), the ridges of her soul no other has tread. At the same time it brings her more solace than he'll ever know because that means she'd have to admit it.

Shoulders slump with a sigh till posture is readjusted to suit the reclamation of her own facade. "Anyways, I told you it was stupid."