#& like i remember that one ffxiv art i saw like last year that inspired me

[illegiblewords]

Fic Writer Meme

Swiped this because it looked like fun!

Name

Fandoms

Most popular oneshot

Most popular multichapter

Actual worst part of writing

How you choose your titles

Do you outline

Ideas I probably won’t get around to, but wouldn’t it be nice?

Callouts @ Me

Best writing traits

Spicy Tangential Opinion

Tagging: @nilim, @azwoodbomb, @wouldyouliketoseemymask, @parvus-pica, @peregrineroad, @spiral-seeker, @frostmantle, @autumnslance, @strangefellows, @redbud-tree, @maccaroni-eh, @entropytea, @prettyparadoxes, @ivalane, @kunstpause, @fogfens

Name: Illegible or Illegiblewords lately. I’ve switched it in the past a few times.

Fandoms: I’ve been in Final Fantasy XIV for the past couple of years now. Passively I might be in Pathologic fandom and Dragon Age fandom? Maybe others too on and off. I was in comic fandoms for a long time but honestly that spiraled into a hot mess of epic proportions so I’ve mostly peaced out of there. Still love stories, characters, and buddies from there though.

Most Popular Oneshot: Ironically it’s Ideation for Bladerunner 2049 haha. I did exactly one fic there right after seeing the movie and didn’t go back, but I thought it was very good and I had a specific story I wanted to tell. It’s one of my most popular fics, and given it’s gen too I’m actually kind of happy about that.

Most Popular Multichapter: The Immortal Wound for FFXIV fandom! I had only just started writing for the fandom, and the series leading up to this fic was my first time writing NPC shipping in FFXIV. I was seriously, SERIOUSLY nervous at first! I wrote the first fic, Posturing, as a personal challenge to do an ambiguous protagonist/NPC since I saw other people doing that and wanted to see if I could pull it off. Posted it at around 4 in the morning then deleted within a few minutes out of anxiety lol. A week went by before I read it again, realized I still liked it, and put it back up for good. That being well-received helped encourage me to keep trying, and by The Immortal Wound it was getting solid attention. The experience really meant a lot to me!

Actual Worst Part of Writing: Probably chapter maps within the outlining process for me. It’s needed for how I approach things, but shit is anxiety-inducing and stressful af lol. I basically plan each event out in high detail before actually writing the fic, so when the time comes for me to legit write I’m more or less following a plan I can trust. Making that plan is the tough part.

How Do You Choose Your Titles: Often titles are the last things I figure out before starting the fic itself. I know I like punchy stuff if I can manage. Sometimes it’ll be one word, sometimes it’ll be a quote or song lyric, sometimes it’ll be a saying, sometimes it’ll be a phrase that feels fitting. I go fast and loose usually, and tbh I’ve tried to tell myself not to overthink it too hard. I do try title related works in ways that have some thematic link when I can.

Do You Outline: HahahahahaHAHAHAHAhaha yeah. Straight up my outlines are eldritch terrors for their detail, length, and complexity. I don’t mean that as a brag at all, seriously--I tend to get frozen a bit if I don’t have an outline by and large because it’s hard for me to keep track of what’s in my head and plan accordingly. Just end up with too many moving parts + revision and pacing get wonky otherwise.

Depending on the project I might have sections tied to setting, characters, magic systems, religions, etc. at the top. Fanfic this is less likely but does crop up sometimes.

To give an example of the first bullet of the first chapter of an ongoing fic:

Post-Shinryu, the Warrior of Light lingers in the Royal Menagerie alone at his own insistence to search for the Eye of Nidhogg. In the process he remembers the fight against Zenos and Shinryu. Note he was overcome by an almost feral rage at Zenos’ assumption that he was the target of anything resembling lust. Those attentions (“bite down upon my jugular”) belong to another, but note similarities of two pale-eyed, long-haired blondes. Seeing Shinryu, the Warrior had no idea whether Lahabrea survived within. The fusion was horrifying to see and as he fought he didn’t hold back because besides obvious dangers, he was also ready to mercy kill if needed. Also note Warrior wanted to intervene against Thordan for Lahabrea but wasn’t fast enough, questions a little privately how far he’d have gone against him. It might not have mattered even if he’d managed since he knows Lahabrea was going crazy and unable to listen. Locating and examining the Eye, he recognizes how drained it is. Certainly not enough to threaten him when dealing with post-battle exhaustion. So he reaches inside with his own aether, relentless in pushing aside every foreign element—Nidhogg, Thordan, the corrupted Rhalgr, the places Zenos caged them all under his own will. Zodiark’s tempering is what helps him ultimately find Lahabrea, who is barely alive. Zodiark’s tempering has preserved what it could but has a much more tenuous grip in consequence. When the Warrior finds him Lahabrea isn’t even aware, functionally unconscious. The tempering flares against him defensively and this time the Warrior focuses on it. This is all that has allowed Lahabrea to stay alive. He could force himself closer but there is no vessel. Besides, the process of separating a fragile soul so deficient in aether is too great a risk. So he keeps the Eye.

It’s not the only bullet of comparable size for that chapter. The overall piece has at least 40 total chapters, but probably more.

Ideas I Probably Won’t Get Around To, But Wouldn’t It Be Nice: Tbh probably some of the earlier WIPs I have that aren’t finished already. Not just FFXIV (Dead Language, With Good Intentions) but other fandoms. I could end up circling back in the future one day but who knows.

Callouts @ Me: “NO MORE WIPS HOLY SHIT YOU HAVE OVER 20″, “RELEARN HOW TO DO DRABBLES”, “GET UR PRESENTS DONE”, “REVIEW OTHERS MORE THE STAGE FRIGHT IS RIDICULOUS”.

Best Writing Traits: I try to write any character as the hero of their own story/with the capacity to be someone’s favorite. I do my research and prioritize telling a good story first and foremost. I can change my writing style according to need and am good at capturing the cadence and word choices of different characters.

Spicy Tangential Opinion: If no transaction has been made (esp. monetary), no one owes you shit online. Not reviews, not hits, not praise, not agreement, not content of any sort. It sucks to feel like you’re creating to a void. It sucks to be passionately in love with a rarepair when other ships are drowning in art and stories.

People still don’t owe you.

If you don’t like someone else’s content, create something exploring what you do like... or even why you don’t like that content. Tell a story. Create art. Make photosets and playlists and analyses. If it is not a literal crime (as opposed to portraying fictional crime), don’t discourage other creators no matter how awful you might find their stuff. Lend your own voice to an alternative as convincingly as you can. And if that doesn’t persuade others, you need to keep honing your own skills.

If you want more of something to exist, spread inspiration. Again this can be in storytelling, art, photosets, playlists, analysis, you name it. Give form to your passion. And if others disagree or don’t respond, keep working at it. This is a skill too, and it takes practice.

I’ve found it shows when work is created out of a sense of guilt, fear, or obligation. The quality is much lower and no one latches on to keep building in-turn. And IMO it is essential to build up rather than tearing down.

[skyholding]

Happiness (An A’on/Naih’tan FFXIV Valentine’s Short)

(Art by @minomotu​)

Since Mino drew this lovely piece of our cattes, I had to write a little short story inspired by our Valentine’s Day photoshoot to go with it <3 Please enjoy!

---

A'onisya recalled the first time she had worn her suikan--she and Naih'tan's first Valentione’s Day after their marriage, when he surprised her with their home in the Lavender Beds. She remembered apologizing profusely that entire day when she would suddenly find tears dotting her freckled cheeks. "It doesn't make any sense, does it? Why'm I crying so much?" she finally blurted to Naih'tan's cousin, Aiko.

The green-haired miqo'te grinned. "You're just happy, yeah?" she pointed out. "Sometimes a person's so happy all they can do is cry, I think."

A'on couldn't remember ever having been so happy she wanted to cry, so she wasn't sure if Aiko was just telling one of her jokes, as Aiko was wont to do at times. But her attention was quickly averted elsewhere--specifically, to her own surprise for Naih'tan. One surprise deserved another in return, after all. Delivery moogles were in and out of their property all day, tossing and placing furniture into their house with varying degrees of care, so Naih'tan didn't notice the small bundle that A'on had rushed to the market board to order late that morning. Nor did he suspect her machinations when he left to retrieve dinner, their kitchen hardly being in working order yet, and she quickly set to work.

So it was when he returned to find the house dark, except for a line of glowing chocobo plushies that led him from the front door--navigating his steps carefully around the haphazard furniture--downstairs, where in the corner, piled with even more chocobo plushes, A'onisya sat, primly in her rosy pink suikan, in the corner where Naih'tans study was perfectly--from the carbuncle chair to the deep mahogany desk, down to every last pen, paper, and homely knick-knack--set up just for him.

"Welcome home, love," she said, and watched, in wonderment, as tears fell from her husband's cheeks.

Sometimes a person's so happy all they can do is cry.

That was years ago. Their house looked much different now, but it never stopped feeling like home. A'onisya greeted their morning delivery moogle with especial enthusiasm, trying so very hard to not simply snatch the bundle from his paws. Her fingers shook as she undid the wrapping, but calmed when they settled on treasure of fine fabric hidden underneath. A deep blue, the color of the farthest-out sea on a cloudless day, decorated with ruby reds as bright as spring flowers.

Her new suikan.

"The weather does look rather fine this afternoon, doesn't it?" Naih'tan asked, stepping down from their bedroom loft to where she stood in the foyer.

"Not half so fine as you," she fluttered, smiling wickedly as he blushed at the unexpected compliment. Azeyma's fire, but Naih'tan did strike a handsome figure in his own suikan, which was still in as fine condition as the day he'd purchased it. The sunset hues of its fabric shone just as brightly as A'on's new garment, but then, Naih'tan kept his clothes as meticulously as he kept his research notes.

"W-well, then," he stammered, adjusting his collar and not bothering to hide his grin. "I hope the day isn't so un-fine compared to myself that you would refuse the walk we had planned."

A'on laughed. "Not at all! Just give me a moment to change." The folds and ties were done in a moment, and her hair--curling at the ends from her quick shower earlier--was pulled back into a ponytail. She caught her reflection in the mirror before rejoining Naih'tan, and for just a moment thought she saw a visage of a younger miqo'te, scarless and fresh-faced and dressed in rosy hues, smiling back at her. But she blinked, and the vision was gone.

She shook her head, gently, and soon was stepping down from the lawn of their home onto the cobbled grassy lanes of the Lavender Beds, her arm hooked into the crook of Naih'tan's offered arm.

"Shall we make our way to Yainu-Par, then? I believe the Valentione's have spared no expense in this year's decorations," he suggested.

"Do they ever?" A'on asked, which made him laugh. The day was fine indeed, warm in the sun with a slight crisp along the edges of the trees' shade. The Lavender Beds' carefully curated gardens, stirred by the gentlest breeze, glowed like jewels in the dappled light, so bright that even the floating and glowing and sparkling red hearts of the Valentione's Day decorations could not overshadow them.

"Surprisingly tasteful," Naih'tan said.

"For the Valentiones," A'on agreed, chuckling as they strolled about the perimeter of the gardens. Their conversation meandered as much as their steps, winding and light-footed, letting noontime fade into afternoon, until they were startled out of their own little world by a cry from the far dockside end of the Amethyst Shallows.

"E-excuse me! Sir, madam--might I have a moment?" They turned to watch a roegadyn stumble from the ferry and hurry across the docks in their direction. He stopped short several feet of them and bowed clumsily before rushing on, "I apologize for the intrusion, but--my name is Thubyrhaerz, and I'm a photographer for The Raven. I was supposed to be capturing photos of couples for our Valentione's Day issue, but--"

"Isn't tomorrow Valentione's Day, sir?" Naih'tan inquired.

"--well, yes," the roegadyn flushed. "I might have been rather, ah, selective with my pick of couples, so I find myself... in a bit of a bind, you might say." His grey eyes sparked with fervor, and he continued breathlessly, "I had all but given up hope of meeting my deadline, but something told me to check the Lavender Beds one last time, and lo and behold--I find the handsomest couple I've set eye on yet today." He gestured to A'onisya and Naih'tan, who exchanged looks, but before they could speak, he said, "The complementary outfits, the ease of your gait together, the light in your eyes--I could see it from afar! Please, if you'd allow me, I would be honored to photograph you for our issue. You'd receive copies of the pictures yourselves, of course." His smile eager, with only a hint of desperation, his gaze flickered between them. "What do you say?"

A'on's face split into a grin. "We can hardly refuse after a declaration like that!" she exclaimed, and Naih'tan nodded with a warm smile in agreement. Soon Thubyrhaerz had them sitting on a garden bench while he clambered around them at all angles to catch just the perfect beams of sun through the trees, or directed them to stand in front of one of the many oversized hanging red ribbons as a romantic backdrop. Their posing was awkward at first, but under his expert guidance and quips they were soon laughing and teasing each other, and the time passed such that he insisted on sunset photos by the water's edge, where the golden rouge of evening danced along the crystalline water.

Thubyrhaerz instructed them to sit along the pier, their legs dangling over the edge, and never mind his presence. Watching the sunset, A'on soon found her head resting on Naih'tan's shoulder, a wave of contentment weighing like a warm blanket. Their hands clasped together, the clicking of the camera faded away, and the moment blurred into a happy haze. Only when the sun passed below the horizon did she remember herself and sit upright, looking about for their photographer. Thubyrhaerz stood some feet behind them, looking through his tomestone-like picture machine. "Ah--I did not want to disturb you," he said, glancing up and seeing her watching him. "You both looked so genuinely sweet-like there, seemed a shame to interrupt." He smiled. "But I think I've got everything I need--at least, I hope so, or else my lead will have my head for runnin' so close to my deadline... again."

He grunted as he sat beside them and held out the tome. "Last ones are my favorites," he said, "if you'd like to see the roughs."

Naih'tan handled the machine with care, passing through each photo under Thubyrhaerz's instruction. At the last picture, A'on had him pause for a moment longer, and looked more closely. "Oh, no--am I--why, it looks like I'm crying," she observed, and her gaze caught Thubyrhaerz's with apology. "It's such a nice photo otherwise."

Thubyrhaerz tilted his head. "But--that's what makes the photo, in my professional opinion, ma'am," he replied. "At least--why, they look like tears of happiness to me." His smile was gentle. "I wasn't lying when I said you were the loveliest couple I've seen all day, so really it isn't such a surprise--sometimes a person's so happy, 'specially when they're with the person they love, all they can do is cry. You know?"

A'on leaned more closely into Naih'tan, and he squeezed her hand softly. "Yeah, I do know," she said. She caught Naih'tan's gaze, and they smiled, together. Always. "I do."

[eldritchsurveys]

930.

What may I call you? >> Mordred is fine.

Where are you right now, exactly? >> My bedroom.

Over or under 18? >> I’m over 18.

Have you been watching the Stanley Cup play-offs? (GO BRUINS!) >> No.

Ever believed your house was/is haunted? If yes, why; what happens? >> I lived in a studio in 2009 (my only time living alone) that I suspected had something hanging around. I was the first occupant, though (new building), so it couldn’t have been from a former resident, and I have no idea how else it could have accrued a haunting. Unless the site itself was haunted, I guess. I have no idea what kind of land the building was built on.

The building you live inside; how long ago was it built? >> According to the google search I just did, it was built in 1987, which makes me the same age as the building I live in.

Ever travel internationally? >> No.

If you could go anywhere RIGHT NOW, where would it be? And why? >> I don’t want to go anywhere right now.

Do you fancy someone currently? Tell me about them! >> No.

Ever have a big ol' crush on someone you've never met in person? If so, did you ever tell them you did? >> I’ve been attracted to people I knew online, yes. And yes, I’ve told most of them.

What makes you feel luxurious? >> I’m not sure. I don’t know when I last felt that exact way.

Do you enjoy drinking scotch as much as I do? >> Probably not.

What have you done that makes you proud of yourself? >> Well, I kept playing FFXIV instead of quitting forever in shame and telling myself I’ll never be any good at it. Believe it or not, that’s a milestone.

What makes you envy someone? >> Usually I envy people who seem to have had very little instability or suffering in their lives, because their brains work.

For you, is jealousy something that makes you more sad or angry-feeling? >> If you still mean envy, then it can be either one. I don’t experience jealousy as in relationship jealousy.

Do you get the munchies? >> I don’t smoke, so...

Every been to Germany? If so, what part? >> No.

Do you buy newspapers just for the puzzles? >> No, I have an app for newspaper crosswords.

Describe any tattoos or piercings you may have...? >> I don’t want to, I feel like I’ve described them a million times.

When's the last time you smacked someone's butt? (Or been smacked :P) >> That’s not a thing I do or encourage having done to me.

Do you enjoy making art? If so, what's your style like? >> I don’t make art.

Were you a shy child? >> I don’t know. I was mostly a distant child, I think.

Ever wanna run away with the circus? >> No.

What is the closest object to your feet right now? >> My weighted blanket, which is folded over the second half of the bed because it’s too hot to use.

Reach behind you- do you feel anything? What is it? >> The wall.

Is English your second language? >> No.

Have you ever designed and constructed your own clothing? >> I’ve altered clothing, but not designed and constructed from scratch.

What's the very last digit in your phone number? >> 3.

Is your house an odd or even number? >> This building is even-numbered.

Do you have a favorite superhero? Who? >> I like Iron Man and Doctor Strange. Also, does Promethea count?

What power would you like to receive, if given the option? >> I don’t know. The power of brain that work good.

Ever punch someone in the nose? >> No.

...will you write me a haiku? >> No.

What was the last thing that really delighted you? >> Probably a scene in FFXIV. For example, I did a lot of moogle sidequests today and moogles are fucking adorable.

Do you wear skin-colored clothes? >:C >> I don’t have any brown clothing, no.

Ever eat German cuisine? If so, what'd ya have? >> Yeah, I ate at Bavarian Inn on one of our yearly trips to Frankenmuth (which is a kind of... German-inspired tourist town or something -- we go there every fall for the giant world-famous Christmas store that’s also there). I don’t remember what I ordered, though. German cuisine, while hearty, isn’t dramatic or varied enough for me, though.

Do you have conversations with any animals? >> Well, yeah.

Do you have a little sibling? If so, are you protective of her/him? >> No.

Recommend me a good book? >> I don’t know you and I cannot recommend you a book.

Can you sleep on your back? (I can't, I feel too vulnerable!) >> I can, but I usually end up on my side eventually.

What's the last special thing you did for someone? (Buy, cook, etc.) >> I don’t know.

Did you cook something today? If so, what was it? >> No.

Ever baked ALL day? >> No.

Can you recognize the smell of death? >> A dead person? I mean, I could probably figure out what I’m smelling if I suddenly caught a whiff of a corpse. It seems pretty... singular.

Ever known a mortician or a coroner?? (Now you do!) >> Oh, that’s neat. Mortuary science is so fucking cool. Unfortunately, I don’t actually know you, so I still don’t know any morticians or coroners. :(

What makes you feel good about yourself? >> That’s a good question. I’m working on that.

Could you ever be some type of counselor for kids/teens? >> No.

Do you enjoy getting dressed up for no real reason? >> I imagine that could be fun. I don’t think it’d ever occur to me to do it, though.

What are you afraid of? >> Stuff.

Ever been to a maximum security prison? You, or just visiting? >> No.

Do you think mint toothpaste is too minty? >> I don’t.

How is a raven like a writing desk? >> Heh.

Are you currently eating or drinking something? If so, what? >> Aside from the occasional sip of water, no.

Do you own striped socks? What colors are your favorite ones? >> No.

Black Metal ist Krieg. Agree or Disagree? >> Eh. I mean, I listen to black metal, but I’m not going to make a big deal out of it.

Are there any numbers that have significance to you? >> Yes, 9 and 19.

Do you know how to read palms or tarot or anything else like that? >> I’m passable at reading tarot. For myself, that is.

Do you own any bones or other preserved organic ..things? >> Unfortunately not. Accepting all bone donations.

What do you think about internet piracy? >> I support the mateys.

Do you know anything about Nordic runes? >> I wouldn’t say I know anything about futhark, exactly. The fact that I have Mannaz tattooed on my hand notwithstanding.

How do you feel about children? >> I don’t have a particular feeling about children. It’s all dependent.

Whatcha looking forward to right now? >> Nothing.

How do you feel about clowns? >> I’m indifferent to clowns.

Are any of your friends clown by profession? >> No.

Do you put grated cheese on popcorn? (Yum!) >> I don’t eat popcorn.

Do you thing anyone ever actually gets in trouble for having milkcrates? >> Like, in their home? Who’s going to give a fuck unless a store employee literally saw you take it or something?

Do you tip street performers? (YOU SHOULD.) >> Not usually. I didn’t ask them to be there, I have no obligation to them. I’ll do it if I feel moved to (and if I happen to have cash, which is the other important variable here).

What are your virtues/morals? >> I don’t have a ready list.

What do you smoke, if anything? >> I don’t.

Does being an addict make someone a bad person, in your opinion? >> No.

Have you ever experienced any type of detox? >> No.

Ever been institutionalized? ...was it because of just one pepsi? >> Ha, I haven’t heard that song in a while. Anyway, yeah, I’ve been institutionalised.

Tie up, or be tied up? >> Well, I’m a switch, so.

Ever shoot a gun that wasn't a handgun? Rifle, shotgun, etc? >> No.

Is your mother a really cool lady? >> No.

Ever suddenly find a friend very attractive but had to keep it to yourself? >> Suddenly? That seems like a weird thing to have happen, lol. I imagine someone finally getting glasses after years of seeing everything kind of blurry and putting them on and going, “holy shit, my friend’s hot as fuck!”

What time is it right now? >> 7.42p EST.

Last time it's rained? >> Uh... a couple of nights ago, I think.

Ever been through a deadly natural disaster? >> No. I mean, I was in NYC when Hurricane Sandy came plowing through, but I wasn’t exactly in any of the parts of the city that got hit-hit.

What do you do when you lose power? >> I so rarely lose power that I don’t even know. I guess I would just read, if I could. Or go so deep into boredom that suddenly I become manically creative. They say that happens, or something.

Do you have a boot fetish too? >> No.

Have you ever done home-repair stuff? >> I mean, not really. I don’t live in a home, lmao. You’re supposed to call Maintenance if something needs fixing in these apartments. (I’m willing to bet that if you try fixing something yourself and you fuck up, you’re gonna be payin for it. Better to let Maintenance deal with it. At least if they fuck it up, the complex can deal with the consequences.)

Reason you last used a knife? >> I don’t remember.

Ever tattoo or pierce yourself? What, and how did it turn out? >> Yeah, I’ve pierced various parts of my ears a few times. Most of the time it turned out fine, but eventually all the holes closed up.

Have you ever assisted in a birth? >> No.

Have you ever had a bad trip? >> Yes.

Do you ever yell at your TV/computer/video games? >> Yes.

How long do you take in the shower? >> Like 10 minutes at most.

If you could ask someone ONE thing & get 100% honesty, what would you ask? >> ---

What's the best thing you've ever found in a thrift/second hand shop? >> I don’t know.

What's one skilled craft you like to learn? >> ---

How do you feel about magicians? >> Like, illusionists? I’m indifferent to them. I agree it’s clever work, but I don’t really care about it.

What do you smell like right now? >> I don’t know. Flesh.

Tell me about the last person that made you laugh. >> ---

Who was the last person to really make you feel special? >> ---

[norhimorovine]

About the Mun

– one / NAME / ALIAS.

Dana or Danaan is my common username outside of FFXIV. Though I associate my art with my real name, Kira. Norhi is my FFXIV main, and so I often go by that name as well!

– two /  BIRTHDAY.

12/27/1981

– three / ZODIAC SIGN.

Capricorn and Rooster! 

– four /  HEIGHT.

I’m 5′3″ or so? My driver’s license says that. But I got ppl who argue that I’m shorter.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

– five  /  HOBBIES.

Art! Writing! Or other artistic things - sewing, quilting, beading, scrapbooking, crochet, knit, embroidery, photography. I’m a jack of many skills and a master of zilch. I focus a lot on my drawing and writing though. And painting to some extent. My current phase is pour/fluid art.

– six /  FAVOURITE COLOURS.

Today I’m favoring pink, in the pastel range. It changes daily and with mood/mental health.

– seven / FAVOURITE BOOKS.

As a child, I’d have said the Laura Ingalls Wilder series. As a college students, I’d have told you Wheel of Time, or R.A. Salvatore’s Drizzt series. Now, I’m happy to get through short news articles without my adhd symptoms kicking my ass. Most recent paper book I read was Karamo, by Karamo Brown. But I can’t say that I have a stand out favorite right now.

– eight  /  LAST SONG LISTENED TO.

Have A Nice Day by World Order

– nine  / LAST FILM WATCHED.

I had to look up a list of what films released to theaters this year. Last film I saw in theater was Spiderman: Far from Home. My mind has completely blanked on the last film I saw on tv, even though that was like... the day before yesterday. 

– ten  /  INSPIRATION FOR MUSE.

Since I got tagged for Norhi’s blog, I’m just going to do Norhi. (Honestly, we’d be here all day if I did all 8 of my balmung babies.)

Norhi is the ffxiv incarnation of a character I originally designed for WoW rp and in game play - a blood elf mage named Cinori. They’re not really quite the same character anymore, save for a few specific details.

Both characters were orphaned as kids, adopted by a lancer and his wife, bringing in a huge emphasis on found family. Both characters are intended to be sweet, kind personalities, with a practical-creative streak. And they’re both strong magic users.

This is where the similarities more or less end. Cinori was rescued from her first adopted parents, where Norhi was adopted by good parents from the get go. This led to Norhi finding her confidence and her place in the world a lot faster than Cinori. Cinori, even into adulthood, remained a generally shy person. Whereas Norhi is almost extroverted by comparison. This confidence led Norhi to become well traveled and very practiced in her learned skills, at a much earlier age than her counterpart. 

Cinori was also an enchanter, seeking to use magical essence to create innovative solutions to everyday problems. Sort of in an engineer’s manner of behavior. She was much nerdier, delving into books and math and spell theory.

Norhi, however, took on a more forest witch and traveling merchant, aesthetic, taking on botany and selling her plants, and potions, made by her husband. 

- eleven / GOD KNOWS WHERE IT WENT. god knows… (idk what this is, so i’m leaving it)(yay anime song?)

– twelve  / MEANING BEHIND YOUR URL.

Well... @norhimorovine​ is Norhi’s name. cuz... i’m boring like that?

@danaan13​ being my main blog is more interesting actually. And also goes back to me and WoW! Okay, so! 

Wrath of the Lich King released death knights as a playable class. And I rolled a draenei death knight with amnesia, named Danaan. Which I got from vaguely misrememberings of a folk tale from a faerie book my parents had. The Tuatha de Danaan, I thought, was like some sort of death related faerie thing? Like... I don’t really remember what I was thinking. But I’ve since learned it is actually the name of a race of supernatural beings from Ireland, who were worshipped, but also believed in the goddess Danu. This article explains it all really well, I think.

Basically, I was a goober, and thought I was naming my death knight something neat about death, and in reality, I was half naming her after a tribe of irish faerie folk. Who might also be another analog for the Sidhe? 

Anyway, when I signed onto tumblr for the first time, my usual username was taken. So I used Danaan13 instead. And here we are!

Tagged by: @mostdangerouspotato

Tagging: @tea-and-conspiracy @haru-qwey & whoever else is interested. tag me if you do it!

[maurzbar]

A Public Personal Statement & A Thank You

Hey guys. I know that this blog has changed throughout the 9 years that I have had it. At first, it was just a place to put things that I liked, art, share personal experiences. Then once my friends had also joined tumblr, it became a place for us to share things that made us laugh. And for about the last two or three years, it has been a place for me to shitpost and occasionally bitch about whatever I was dealing with at the time - though it has become more and more vague. So, I apologize if this seems out of the ordinary, but certain events have inspired me to put together a post like this, despite how nervous it makes me. It will be long, and there will be mentions of abuse and suicide, so if you find those things triggering, feel free to skip. But after years of staying quiet, I would like to share my experience I had with my ex-boyfriend of nearly 4 years.

Please, I also beg you to read the post that inspired me to put this together: https://exponentialentropies.tumblr.com/post/182844053068/a-resignation-statement-to-the-fc . Even if you don’t roleplay, even if you don’t play ffxiv - this is a very good demonstration of the man that I was involved with and receipts to prove it. I also would like to send my condolences thanks to @mihowinter, as she had the immense amount of courage to speak up when I did not, and as a result, helped me and many other women gain closure.

Where else to begin but when we first met. From here on, I’ll refer to him as Claud. As much hurt as he caused me, I have no interest in doxxing him.

It was August 2012. I was only 17 years old and a senior in high school and he was 19 and in college. We met on Gaia Online and started as just roleplay buddies, but quickly gained feelings for each other. It only took us about two weeks of talking before we were completely obsessed with each other. I used to blame it on the fact that I was just so young and a sponge for attention at the time, but, in reality, it was because he is a master at charming people, and it’s something that you wouldn’t understand unless you have met him. During this period, we were talking every moment we could. I would text him during class, and the moment I got home, I would be on skype with him until we fell asleep, and we got into the habit of letting the call run while we slept. Eventually, after we were involved for a couple of months, I told my parents that I had a boyfriend, but he lived in another state. They weren’t particularly happy, mostly because this was not the first time that I had been involved with someone online. My boyfriend before him was verbally abusive (remember this), and the moment my parents found out, they made their disapproval very known, and shortly after, I had ended things. 

Despite this, my parents did not want to break us up, they just wanted to be more involved and meet his parents over Skype. The moment I told him his, he was very against it. He didn’t want to give a reason, but, he just didn’t want his parents to know. First red flag. So, after an argument over text, I told him that I didn’t want to be with him if he didn’t want to be exclusive. Not just with friends, but family, too. This was the first time we broke up. Less than 24 hours later, he texts me a long apology, telling me how much he cares about me. If you have read the linked posts above, you’ll know that this is something he does often, and is very good at. At the time, I was a bit stronger than I am now, and clarified that I would only get back together with him if he agreed to tell his parents about me. He did, and for the next month or so, things were just back to they normally were. We didn’t have any other fights at the time other than that one. Things seemed really perfect to me.

At the time, we were both very into playing TERA Online, and were a part of a pretty prestigious guild. When I had first joined, he did not introduce me as his girlfriend, but as people asked me about myself, I would tell them that we were dating. It soon became common knowledge in the guild that we were involved. It was the first time we had ‘come out’ as a couple together and began to make mutual friends. We were exclusive. I even changed my status on Facebook to ‘in a relationship with (his real name)’. Then, during spring break of 2013, we had decided that he was going to come out to meet me in person for the first time. His mom had bought a flight as a birthday gift to the both of us and he would be staying at my house for three days. Although a lot was stressing me out (someone had hit my car and I was trying to figure out what to do for college), I looked forward to seeing him more than anything, and would count down the days in my school planner. People in Tera knew that he was coming to see me and would cheer us on. And when he did come, it was great, and I was under the impression that I had found my forever guy.

Of course, things began to change. Because our relationship started from roleplaying, we thought very highly of it. He constantly told me that I was the most talented writer he had ever found and only wanted his characters to be involved with mine. While it was not a rule that we had made for each other, it was certainly something that we both preferred, as all of our characters had been together. However, as months passed, it was clear that he was interested in wanting to find other roleplay partners. At the time, it did hurt me, but I didn’t want to disallow him from doing so, and instead, I tried to find other people to roleplay with as well. We were still together, and that’s the most I could have asked for, anyway.

I went away to college in August of 2013 and stayed in the dorms while I finally decided to study psychology. It was during this time that we had started to fight more and more about a variety of things. Sometimes it was things that I said that he took offence to, or me not calling him within the 30 minutes that I said I would. I started to cut class to talk to him more if he said he needed me to. That happened a lot. And it started negatively affecting me and my grades. I started to grow very, very depressed. Nothing mattered to me except him, and unfortunately, I was not seeing my family often enough for someone to notice. It wasn’t until we had a very huge argument about him finding out that I was roleplaying with someone else (despite him doing the same with other people) that I finally cracked and saw a therapist. That was when I was diagnosed with clinical depression, social anxiety, and body dysmorphia. I was prescribed three different medications and was required to speak with a therapist once a week. During this time, I was completely miserable. I would constantly reach out to Claud for help, and he would only get angry at my attempts to discuss how I was feeling. When I would tell him how hopeless I felt, he would snap back with, “Are you saying that to guilt me?” even if the matter had nothing to do with him. If I told him that something in particular he did or was doing was a trigger for me (as my therapist eventually encouraged me to do so), he would say “I never said that,” or “you’re making me out to look like the bad guy.” Bad gaslighting techniques that worked wonders on me.

In the end, I never really got help, because my parents decided for me to drop out of that university and let me come back home. Because I had to do that, I didn’t get to see the therapist anymore, and I could not receive refills for my medication. So now, I was just at home, and still attached to him like glue.

It’s 2014. It was around this time that we had started to ERP. It wasn’t something that I was a fan of, but I had done it here and there because he requested it, and I thought that it wasn’t going to become an everyday thing. And it didn’t start out that way. It would be something that he asked to do once in a blue moon, and then wouldn’t mention it for a few weeks or so. But soon the request became more and more, and I finally began to feel myself growing more reluctant to give in. And when I told him, that’s when the fights started. And every time we would fight, it was seriously an uphill battle. He would constantly gaslight me and make me feel like it was my fault, and that I should feel terrible for not giving him what he wanted, even if I didn’t want to do it. And then, after fighting for hours, days, even, he would apologize for the things that he said. He would be an angel for a week or two, spoiling me with long declarations of his love or buying me things, and then next week we would have the same fight again.

That continued for months. The on and off with him, and constantly feeling like he was using me for ERP was really taking a toll. His requests at first were for vanilla things, but the more I indulged him the more he would push, and soon he started asking for stranger things. They were small things at first, like requests for a certain character to talk dirty when they normally wouldn’t, or to do bondage with some characters. At the time, the content was not major, but my only issue was the frequency in which he requested to ERP. Eventually, I told him that I wanted to focus on doing other forms of roleplay, and that instead of ERPing for pleasure, I would prefer to do it in person. That pleased him for a while, but, little did I know, he was just finding other people to ERP with behind my back, even when we both had declared that this was considered a form of cheating and that we would never to it with anyone else but each other.

And so, we stopped ERPing for a little while, unless it happened during our regular roleplays. While that particular weight was lifted off of my chest, we were still fighting at least once every two weeks about nonsensical things. My friends began to notice how frequent we would fight and would openly say they didn’t like him, but, did not encourage me to break up with him. A few people we had as mutual friends would tell me something about him was off, but I wouldn’t listen because I was in love. The highs in our relationship were high, but our lows were very low. And this continued. All the way through 2015, there we moved from game to game. We poured countless hours into The Secret World and once we had gotten our fill of that, we moved to Guild Wars 2, where we made new characters to roleplay on. But it wasn’t long until he was hungry again.

This time, the fights were about our sex life. I will keep it as brief as I can for privacy’s sake, but, whenever he would come to visit me in person (which was about twice a year), he would constantly complain that we were not having enough sex. If it wasn’t every moment of every day, he was unsatisfied, and began to try and turn the tables on me. He claimed that it was my fault and that I was being a prude for not giving enough to him. Even if we were not together in person, we fought about it. He would say I could make it up to him by doing ERP, and because I wanted to stop fighting about it, I would do it half-heartedly. So we started ERPing again, against my will.

Highs and lows, lows and high. Little by little I was beginning to fall back into a depression, and every fight was just another nail in the coffin for me. I started self-harming regularly, whether or not we fought, because it was the only way mind knew how to deal with things. My parents started to notice that things were not right. I was on autopilot for months.

Then he decided to start playing FFXIV. I had wanted to join him, but my computer was not good at the time and could barely run it. Instead, I stayed in GW2, while he would Skype me while he played. At first, there was lots of conversations between the both of us. And then, he stopped talking all together. We would sit on a call for almost 10 hours where he would just be playing on FFXIV and not talk to me. Not one word. The most we would say is small talk and then that would be all. That went on for two months. Eventually, I got sick of being ignored and broke up with him for the second time. I was devastated.

This time, we were separated for almost a month. I got a job, and enrolled back in school. But then, he reached back out to me again. For about a week or so, we were just “friends,” but, it wasn’t long until he had asked to start dating again. He had assured me that he had changed, that he had worked through his anger, and he was ready to give me the attention I deserve. So, I accepted. And before long, I decided to bite the bullet and play FFXIV with him, even though it only ran on 15 FPS on my computer at the time. I played by myself for a good while, as he already had a roleplay partner at the time (who I won’t name). I had suspicions that he was romantically involved with this person, as he would often disallow me communicating with them, and spent all of his free time with this person. But because we had just gotten back together, I didn’t want to start another argument, and just assumed that I was being jealous, so I didn’t mention it. Eventually, they left the game unexpectedly, and the moment they did, he needed someone to fill the space in his heart, and finally offered for me to join his company (this time introducing me as his girlfriend!) and roleplay with him.

After our characters were established, it wasn’t long until he started asking to ERP again. I still did not want to, but I was scared to lose him again, so I obliged to all his desires. Just as before, he started make requests, but, this time, they were very extreme. He would request for my characters to participate in gangbangs, for my characters to cheat on his characters, and even to have his character have sex with his own daughter (this one I flat out did NOT do). He knew that these kinds of roleplays made me very uncomfortable, but he continued to pressure me into doing them, and when we did, I would weep the entire time because of how disgusted it made me. It was a constant topic of contention for the both of us for the next year of being together. No matter how miserable these arguments made me, and the amount of people that were telling me to leave, I stayed because I believed I was nothing without him.

It was about the spring of 2017. We were owning a company together that was mostly for friends, but we were beginning recruitment. We were still endlessly arguing about the same old things and trying to keep up appearances for our mutual friends and company members. Claud and I had another big argument about ERP of all things, where he screamed at me, berated me, and spoke to me in a way I never thought he would. I left the guild, thinking that he certainly was going to break up with me. 5 hours later he was apologizing, as he always did, and I asked, how are we going to fix this issue? It was clear that I did not want to ERP as much as he did, but I also did not like the idea of him ERPing with anyone else, because we had both agreed that it was cheating. He agreed with me, but there was no compromise to be made. It was at that moment when I realized that this was not something that was going to be solved and it was probably best to end the relationship, but because we were so involved and I feared what he would do if we broke up, I did not end it there when I should have.

The next two months (March and April of 2017) were probably the worst of our relationship. He asked me to quit my job in order to spend more time with him, and I did. With much pressure with him, I finally agreed to allow him to ERP with other people, (mostly because I felt like it was my last-ditch effort before ending the relationship entirely) my only stipulation was that he tell me when and who it was with. Of course, he never did tell me. Every time I would ask about it, he would get angry at me and say that there wasn’t anybody he had found. It was just a whole new topic for arguments. Nothing had changed, even though I had finally given him what he wanted. In fact, it was just worse now. And by May, I had had enough. I ended it, and this time, I didn’t look back.

You’d think that it would end there. But it doesn’t.

To keep it short: I left our company, for the second and final time. I continued to play with my raid group at the time and full intended to just find another company and move past it. Until I heard that he was spreading rumors that the reason I had broken up with him was because I was cheating on him. Part of me had suspected that he would do such a thing – mostly because throughout our entire relationship I had realized a pattern of him playing the victim and refusing to take responsibility for his actions. I realized that he was trying to turn all of our mutual friends against me and spinning the story to turn me into the devil. I felt conflicted, because the few friends that still reached out to me did not want to hear about the drama, and even made rules to not discuss Claudien in order to “keep the peace between us.” I didn’t want to make my friends pick sides, but it also meant that I had no one else to talk to about all of the abuse and manipulation. I was still silenced. And that meant that when he approached me to ask for my small house, I felt obligated to give it to him because I was scared that he would spread lies that I refused to let him have it. (Additionally, once he found out I was quitting FFXIV, he texted me telling me he wanted to sell my medium back to the person that I bought it from, which I later found out he never did sell it back to them.) And soon after, I felt so paranoid about being in game and running into him or one of our old friends, I decided to quit the game. Cold turkey. I mentioned it to my raid group, but that was about it.

This may not have been the best decision. I try and debate that constantly. But there was really nothing there for me anymore. He had turned everyone I had known against me and the only thing that had kept me so dedicated to that game was my friends. Now I didn’t have them. So, I quit, and no one reached out to me afterwards, because he had told them that I purposefully abandoned them.

During this time, I stayed off the internet and put all my effort into trying to work on my offline life. I became a full-time student again and plunged myself into my hobbies. I also started working out, as it was a good stress reliever for me. I would get home from class, workout, work on cosplay, then bed. Rinse, repeat. I still had moments where I would get very depressed and miss my friends and even him, and I was trying to find distractions every moment of the day. And that was about when I delved head first into my eating disorder. That’s something you might find well documented in my blog already. It was a very strange coping mechanism for me. Thinking about weight and food was a great way to keep my mind off of him and all the other horrible things that went wrong, but also, it was a form of self-punishment for me. He had made me feel like less than dirt and this was my way of becoming it entirely.

I suffered with anorexia purging type from July of 2017 until April of 2018. I don’t even want to say I have recovered, because I never will. I still have relapses and switch from one eating disorder to another, but it’s something that will be with me during the rest of my life. During that time, I gained and lost well over 60 pounds, and at my lowest weight, I suffered from a seizure that really made me wake up and seek recovery.

Right around January of 2018, however, I returned to FFXIV. I name changed and server changed and met new people. Joined a new FC. Got a new raid group. Even started roleplaying. I was learning to enjoy the game again and even making some new, fantastic friends that I’m lucky to still call friends to this day. I was still going to school and making plans for the rest of my life. Everything seemed stable until I ran into him again, around May of 2018 (or sometime around there), in Eureka. He wanted to talk, and I thought that maybe it could be brief and we could learn to be civil again. Though many people encouraged me not to, we did end up having a conversation, where is was mostly him asking me to ERP again. I showed a bit of reluctance, and so he dropped the topic, and then the next day I woke up and saw he had blocked me again.

I was confused, but I wasn’t going to seek him out again. I just left it as this.

However, this continued on for the rest of the year.

After a few months, he reached out again. This time, he texted me. After chatting again with him on discord, the conversation came back to ERP. I said sure this time, but set very strict limits. He agreed, but then blocked me again before the first post.

Then again, he added me on discord. Said this time he just wanted to catch up and talk, no ERP this time. We did for one conversation, and in the middle of it he started screaming at me saying that I just used people to get what I want from them and that I never changed from the last time I met him. Blocked again. Internally I told myself that perhaps I should stop answering when he tries to talk to me.

It was a few months, around the summer time of 2018 when he reached out to me on discord last. He was in Japan at the time. He had been trying a few different times to add me on discord, but I kept declining his friend request. He tried about 4 times and then texted me, saying that he was only trying to add me because he wanted to roleplay again. I told him, firmly, that I only was interested in doing non-ERP, and he said that was fine. We made about 3 or 4 posts back and forth in discord, until one day, out of nowhere, he sent me a long text, calling me a parasite and saying that he wished that he had never allowed me into his life. He told me that I was better off dead and that I should hurry up and kill myself. And that was the final straw for me. I blocked him on discord and blocked his number.

And you think that’s the last time?

He texted me twelve different times through the entire month of December (2018), frantically apologizing for his behavior and begging to ERP again. He lied to me in these messages and said that he was “talking through things” with a therapist. I did not respond to any of the messages - in fact I didn’t even see them until the middle of January. But, weirdly enough, on the 19th of January, he called me three times on my cell phone (which all got blocked), and messaged me on tumblr (the last place I hadn’t blocked him) asking to talk. Despite my entire body screaming at me not to give him the time of day, I worried that maybe something was very wrong with him, and I got into a voice chat with him on discord.

In this chat, he spoke very poorly of Miho and spread lies about her while also saying that I was the “good ex-girlfriend” of his because I had chosen not to speak up about his behavior. He attempted to apologize for the years of abuse but, as it always is with him, it was insincere and was just a ploy to make sure that I, of all people, was “on his side,” when I was not even involved. At the time, I had not seen her post, nor did I know any of the drama, so to this day I have no clue why he fed me lies. He very briefly told me about the drama within the FC, told me about his new girlfriend (which was a lie as well), and then asked me if I wanted to ERP again. I said no. Once again. He proposed the idea of doing normal RP instead. I said perhaps. We parted way and two hours later I was blocked again.

I thought it was just an odd circumstance and reminded myself not to bother with him again. That is, until the post that Leo Arkwright made was brought to my attention. Then everything started to piece together.

The last few days I have been reaching out to Miho and the various women that have been unfortunately harmed by him and his behavior. I’d found out that he had been cheating on me since as early as 2015, and maybe even sooner than that. You must be wondering; how there have been all these women and you are just now finding out? Well, it’s because while he was in my home, he would log on to my FFXIV account and block all of the women that he was involved with so that they would be unable to contact me and I would be unable to contact them. Fortunately for all of us, we’ve been in good contact, and I hope to remain good friends with most of them. 😊

It baffles me that there are more out there that he has played and abused, and probably more that have not spoken out yet. And I really encourage you to. If not publicly, then privately, with me, Leo Arkwright, or Miho. If anything, I beg you to send your love to Miho. Out of everyone involved with him and his abuse, she was affected the worst, and deserves nothing but support and love. I also encourage those who to not understand or question either of our actions to do some research on narcissist abuse to understand just what kind of person my ex truly was.

Thanks for reading. I’m truly ready to put this to bed and move forward with my life.