#& his approach can be misguided he can do & say the wrong things bc Hes A Person

[windupaidoneus]

i dont even hate solas as much as i used to but lets not lie to ourselves hes not a saviour to the elves nor is he trying to be. hes a patronising asshole who thinks he knows better than everyone else whats good for them AND he wants one specific people's supremacy Which Is Not Good Btw. anders is an oppressed man w nothing special about him inherently but he became special bc of the choices he made. they are not nearly comparable in any regard

[scenariosofkonoha]

Tobirama angst, dawg.

Tearing into Tobs is one of my favorite pastimes. Also love writing Tobirama in political drama, whether it be AU or Canon, I don’t care, let’s fuck it up. This is def more relationship angsty towards the end. Also you should read it, bc I might continue this.

Standing silently, you stared down the man in front of you, combatting the unforgiving glare he had been giving you ever since the pair you had returned from the council meeting. You knew very well that he was angered at you, and he had very right reason to be. You had attacked his decisions as a Hokage right in front of the entire council, something that was unprecedented under Tobirama’s leadership. It was something that anyone with even a miniscule amount of healthy fear of Tobirama wouldn’t have done, but you had never been one to fear the man in front of you, and for what he was proposing, he deserved to be put in his place.

Lifting your chin up slowly, you raised an eyebrow at him, “You wanted to speak to me privately, sir?” you inquired, aware that the following moments were not going to be a pleasant experience between the two of you.

Bearing into you with those sharp eyes, Tobirama didn’t waste any time getting to the point of the matter, “You undermined me in that meeting. You were disrespectful and placed uncertainty in a plan that would was acceptable in our society.” he accused.

“I didn’t undermine you, Tobirama. I corrected your mistakes; mistakes that would have been costly to the village.” you refuted calmly, defending yourself. “I wasn’t trying to demean you, rather instead protect the village.”

Yet even with your attempt at an explanation of what had happened less than an hour ago, you could see him tensing up the more you spoke against the matter. Coming at you again, he cut into your character. “You’re being ignorant. Y/N. My decision had justifiable causes and should not be in question at this very moment. Stop trying to protect every individual and start being an actual leader for once and making the sacrifices required to have a prosperous village.” he snapped.

Taking a deep breath, you shook your head. Tobirama was a logical man, truly he was, but sometimes there was a point of being too logical where disastrous decision making could occur unless it was balanced out with a reasonable force, and he was quickly approaching that point in his leadership. Remaining level headed, you began trying to realized with the stubborn man, “I understand you’re trying to define your legacy within this village and create what you think is most profitable future, and me speaking out against you went against what you are trying to establish-”

“Then why did you do it?” he cut you off coldly.

Narrowing your eyes at his disrespect towards you, your response was snapped out harsh. “You cannot ostracized an entire clan, because of your bad blood, Tobirama! I don’t care what you feel that Uchiha have done to you or the village, you cannot place such a social barrier on them! That is setting the entire village up for a civil war down the road!” you barked out the potential consequences.

His glare just seemed to continuously harden, “Why are you turning a blind eye to them? No matter what side of the issue you look at it from, they are an unstable and untrustworthy clan. Have you forgotten all the injustice that they have caused? Forgotten the family that both of us lost because the Uchiha?”

“Don’t bring the Warring States Era up! That was a time of war and political dishevel- where all clans were against each other! My clan and your clan were against each other just as you were against the Uchiha. We did not lose family just to the Uchiha! You of all people shouldn’t try to play that against my reasoning, Tobirama!” you hissed. “The Senju- you specifically is the reason my sister’s dead, so using that era against me is unjustifiable!” you broke his accusations.

For a moment he fell silent, not yet having a response to the truth that had been buried deep in the history of you two.

Pursing your lips, you shook your head at him again. “Tobirama, I am not trying to do anything to destroy your legacy or administration; I understand you are doing everything you can for the village, but I am trying to stop you from making a poorly executed decision that will have terrible political outcomes. This is no longer just world of trying to protect ourselves and make it to tomorrow. With the formation of the village came the formation of a political game that must be played very carefully.” you spoke calmly, trying to rid some of the tension in the air.

“I already realized that, Y/N.” he said, attempting  to contain his anger a bit more now seeing that you were trying with him.

“Then you should realize that limiting a clan that is very powerful and has so much potential if guided correctly will not end nicely. Placing such a social barrier on them will only further strengthen the problematic tensions that are already there, which will just lead to revolt later on down the line. I know that the Uchiha do not have the cleanest slate, but give them a chance at redemption. This village is new, a clean slate for all of us, it should be for the Uchiha too. It is not the entire clan that has done wrong; there is hope in that clan-” you tried again, but he cut you off.

“This optimism is insulting to your intelligence, Y/N.”

Narrowing your eyes at him for saying such thing, you still tried to remain collected though there was a crossness to your voice, “So you’re telling me that you see the same hate and darkness in Kagami as you saw Madara. You see that same vicious hatred in that twenty two year old who nearly died taking a hit for his teammate in order to protect this village? You are willing to place irrevocable limitation on your best pupil, because with your potential plan; you will be limiting the most skilled shinobi with the most potential you have on your team, solely because of his clan.” you laid out the harsh reality of what his plan held for the future. “I am not defending Madara and his actions against us, but I am protecting ones like Kagami- your student- who embody the future that this village needs.” you defended.

Though this did seem to bring some light to the potential repercussions of his plan, it was not enough, “So be it. I am not willing to even allow the risk of this village having to suffer through what the Uchiha are capable of. Even if there are ones like Kagami, there are still ones like Madara, and that is enough for us to have protective measures against them.” he affirmed, not giving into you.

Frowning, you delivered a defeated sigh, “Fine, but without my blessing, the council will not follow through with it. You may be Hokage, but I have the most political insight, and if they do not have the faith that I give, then they will not agree with it.”

And suddenly all that anger that had seemingly been diminishing was back as he threatened you. “Know your place, Y/N. You are simply an advisor, and I can take away the privilege as easily as I gave it to you. You do not have acting power, I do, and it is my decision that will happen within this village. Your optimism and ignorance is not going to cost this village the protection that it needs.” he hissed at you.

“Excuse me-” you interjected him, “Do not dare place yourself above me. Do not dare forget that you married me for political gain. Do not dare forget that it was me who got you to this point!” you snapped right back at him, the same viciousness that he had towards you. “Without me, you would be nothing, Tobirama! I made you who you are and brought you into the position that you are in! There is no way in hell that you should even remotely think that you are above me in any way, shape, or form. I am has much of driving force in the creation of this village as you!” you yelled. “Without me forgiving you and covering up the Senju’s massacre of my family, then the public would be looking at you and all the Senju as they are looking at the Uchiha now! It was me who allowed you into the place that you are right now! You have no right to have a condescending attitude towards the one you owe everything to!” you screamed the truths that he had hid for years.

Though all he did was hardened his glare towards you for insulting his pride. “You understood what you were doing, and this is the future you chose.”

Gritting your teeth at him, you shook your head, “SOME DAYS YOU ARE PATHETIC AND MISGUIDED, TOBIRAMA! I DID ALL THAT FOR THE SAKE OF THIS NEW VILLAGE; IF I DIDN’T SEEK PEACE AND HAD FAITH IN THIS VILLAGE, THEN I WOULD HAVE FURTHERED THE WAR AGAINST MY FAMILY AND THE SENJU, NOT MARRIED YOU AS BONDING OF OUR CLANS! DO NOT EVER THINK THAT I DO NOT HAVE THE VILLAGE’S BEST INTEREST AT HEART; THAT IS THE SINGLE THING THAT I TRULY LOVE. IT IS NOT YOU; IT IS THIS VILLAGE. DO NOT EVER FORGET THAT!”

And this time, he remained silent.

Inhaling sharply, you stated your resolution, “In the end, I will stand by this village and what it needs to survive in the future- whether it goes against you or not, and if our marriage is sacrificed to ensure the future of Konoha, then so be it, Tobirama.”

[cajunroe]

Can I get a fuckkng uh.... G, M, P??

G: Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order?

Bro, start to finish. If I write scenes out of order I forget what I want to really put into the story and it messes it up. For Show Me How, I wrote two chapters ahead of the one that needed finished and it completely derailed what I wanted because I was focused on the future chapters rather than the one I wanted to finish.

M: Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share?

Ohhhhhh boy. YES. AND I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. I have two actually.

The first is a Midam Library!AU consisting of three prompts:i)       You’re overdue on this book and I want it so I’m tracking u the fuck downii)      I work in the library and I’m a little concerned for your health bc you never stop studyingiii)     The library’s pretty empty save for you and me and OH that couple making out loudly in the shelves somewhere

Second is a new Teen Wolf fic. UGH THIS ONE. I’m literally itching to get it started. I’m working on an intro post right now, but it’s going to be amazing. I don’t want to release too much until after I post the intro, but here’s a slightly long snippet.

Basically, Scott and Allison are brother and sister (not blood related) bc Noah and Chris get together when the kids are young after they meet at a grief support meeting because both of their wives died. Sheriff is still Sheriff. Chris is still Chris. They all know everything exists, the whole supernatural spectrum. Chris, along with his father, insists that, especially in their lines of work, that the kids should be trained to fight. It takes a long time, but after Chris is nearly killed on a trip gone wrong, Noah agrees.

Cue 9 years later and Stiles and Allison are nearly finished with high school and their dads consider it a blessing that their skills haven’t been needed to be put to use. But in Beacon Hills, nothing good lasts forever. Allison and Scott have been together for year and Stiles couldn’t be happier for his best friend and sister. After four misguided attempts, by his friends, at setting Stiles up by, Stiles admits to them that he’s been in an online relationship for nine months, after talking for three months. Stiles has been forced to keep so many secrets all his life, it was nice to keep one for himself.

The Argents and Hales have had a pact of peace since Chris moved to town and even more so since Noah became Sheriff. Their town is quiet and the biggest crime of the past decade was a bank robbery that was stopped in the middle of the theft because Chris had been making a deposit in their kids’ trust funds. But everyone can feel something on the cusp, something dark and life-altering headed their way. They can do nothing but wait…and hope that they have prepared enough for this.

Peter Hale was well-known in both hunter and werewolf circuits. He was well respected, intelligent, wise, strategic, powerful, and compassionate. He was also stubborn, aggressive, protective, and ruthless. He’d been travelling from pack to pack and faction to faction, discreetly establishing pacts between hunters and werewolves and he’d been generally successful. His sister wanted nothing more than to be able to have her and her family live in relative peace. After her death, Peter sought to make her dream come true so that her kids could live their lives the way they wanted.

For the past nine months, Peter’s been in a relationship with someone he’s never met. Honestly, he’s never been happier. He doesn’t care that he’s only seen Stiles in picture and their rare video calls. He knows that Stiles is something special and Peter is completely infatuated. Stiles has only asked twice when they could meet. The first time Peter was in the middle of a bloody mediation in Paris. The second time, Peter was too nervous to go through with it. His feelings for Stiles scare him sometimes and he doesn’t want to Stiles to meet him and deem him unworthy. Peter’s only been truly scared a handful of times in his life. Nothing scares him more than losing Stiles.

Derek calls Peter and asks if he’d come back to Beacon Hills for a pack meeting. Peter’s been waiting for this call for a while. Derek took up the head of the pack when Peter explained what he was going to do. Derek wanted to head the pack, but Peter knew he’d eventually grow complacent and want to see the world. They agree to wait a week for the pack to acclimate to the shift in power. The night before Derek leaves, someone is turned.

Imagine all your life, being train to kill something that your best friend and for Allison, your boyfriend, ends up becoming. When Scott nervously tells them that he thinks he’s a werewolf, Allison and Stiles are shocked. Chris and Noah have worked hard to keep their kids away from negotiations with the Hale pack. When they don’t bat an eye, Scott asks them why they haven’t said anything. Stiles laughs and says something to the effect that they already know. They all go to Scott’s house and Allison and Stiles tell him everything they know. Allison comforts Scott while Stiles tries to figure out a way to keep this from his parents and Gerard and get in contact with the Hale pack without anyone finding out.

Chris and Noah find out the two nights later when Scott, sweating nervously, lets slip that the moon must be affecting him. Honestly, he was scared that they would try to break him and Allison apart if they found out. The irony is not lost on him. There’s a deadly silence for a long moment and everyone looks at one another, trying to decipher what they should do next. Allison and Stiles nod to one another when Chris and Noah leave the table. They rush to their rooms and grab their favorite and most skilled weapons. For Stiles, a dual set of matte black Beretta 92FS pistols with suppressors. For Allison, her favorite black compound bow and well-stocked quiver. When they come out, their dads are also geared up and Scott stares blindly at the silent power his second family is capable of.

Chris mentions that Derek said his uncle was back in town and taking over the pack. Noah sighs in a way that gives Stiles pause. He knows his dad better than anyone, he knows when he’s worried, scared even, for what was ahead of them. He watched his dad kiss Chris and Stiles quickly texted his boyfriend to let him know that he wouldn’t be available to talk tonight. He got a reply immediately and felt less guilty when Peter told him he was busy as well. They all file into the SUV and drive towards the Hale’s home. Allison and Stiles shared an excited look over Scott’s confused face. They were finally going to be a part of what they’ve been trained for.

No one is prepared for what happens when they reach the house. The house is engulfed in flames and before they could reach out to help, Derek had Noah pinned against a tree and Chris had a gun trained on Derek before he could say a word. Stiles and Allison had taken positions on either side of there parents and Scott, Stiles facing the road and Allison facing the house, establishing a perimeter of protection around them as the last of the pack slowly approached them. A hush falls over the woods, the sound of support beams falling and flames flickering the only thing heard over the breathing. A voice rings out among the quiet chaos, appeasing both sides quickly, guns being holster, and Stiles’ heart stops. It couldn’t be. Stiles holster his pistols and slowly turns around to face what he hoped wasn’t the truth. They lock eyes and Stiles feels his entire world shifts, knowing nothing will every be the same.

I know I said I didn’t want to give too much away, but honestly this is literally just scratching the surface. AND I’M SO EXCITED FOR THIS. I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT.

P: Are you what George R. R. Martin would call an “architect” or a “gardener”? (How much do you plan in advance, versus letting the story unfold as you go?)

I am a gardening architect. Overall, I have specific details that have to become a part of the story, but for all I have written, the story controls itself. With Hollow Moon, right now, it’s completely taken on a mind of its own and I couldn’t be happier with the direction it’s going. I’m so excited for the next chapters because they’re going to be amazing. Stiles is going to be amazing.

Thank you Kelly!! U DA BEST. <3

ask me things!

[jamfingers]

Some Background on That One Super Famous Cluster B Personality Disorder and Some Brief Meta Tying It to Kai Parker’s Problematic (but Fine AF) Ass Because I Said I Would Do This

Okay, this isn’t a research paper, so I’m not going to put ref points throughout the post, but I’ll write down the full names of the texts and articles I used at the bottom in case you’re interested in checking them out yourself. Some info/pics come from old annotated notes, but I likely will only use those for examples provided by previous professors. NONE of these visuals are mine, they’re copyrighted and I’m posting them for educational purposes. I’m making no profit off of this. Obviously. This is a damn fan blog. 

First off, lets talk behavior and psychopathology, then I’ll get into like...the barest bit of some of the complex anatomy and physiology behind them. Then I’ll talk Kai Parker a little and how he fits this. This post is gonna be hellaciously long, since it’s an academic reference/meta, so read more under the cut:

Personality is something pervasive, long term, and generally not mutable in a person. And individual’s personality will develop in childhood and are measured by rating the general patterns of disordered conduct/socializing of traits known as the big 5: neuroticism, extraversion, openness to experience, agreeableness, and conscientiousness. These traits, like anything dealing with the mind, are measured on a spectrum and patterns of extremely high pervasiveness of traits in some areas and extremely low pervasiveness in others that results in a diminished or troubled quality of life is what results in a personality disorder.

Personality disorders are sorted into 3 groups called clusters:

Kai falls into cluster B - he has antisocial personality disorder (ASPD from here on, can also be noted as APD), historically called “sociopathy”. ASPD is more commonly diagnosed in men than in women, (although this might be in part due to societal/gender biases of both the patient and the clinician, but I digress), with a prevalence in the clinical population of 3.9-5.9% and in the general population of 1.0%-1.8%. It’s rare, but not the rarest personality disorder by any means. No unicorns here.

I personally denote ASPDers as the biggest con-artist assholes you’ll ever have the displeasure of meeting, but that’s not very academic, so I’ll copy my one of my textbook’s format and break this up into a few categories. More information can be found in references.

Clinical Description And Criteria:

“I am entitled to break rules.”

That right there is the sun with which ASPD revolves around. The disorder is characterized by extreme selfishness and disregard for others, highly impulsive and risky behavior (like drug use, reckless stunts, fighting), and unusual emotional responses and fits of rage, but no deficits in reasoning ability. People with ASPD know what they’re doing, understand the social norms/ rules behind them and don’t care. In regards to the Big 5 personality traits this is what they look like (L is low, H is high):

And diagnostic criteria for ASPD on the DSM-5 looks like this:

YOU HAVE TO HAVE DISPLAYED CONDUCT DISORDER AS A CHILD TO BE DIAGNOSED WITH ASPD AFTER 18. Remember an individual’s personality develops in childhood and is long-lasting. Conduct disorder in children is diagnosed with this criteria:

ASPD has a pretty high heritabilty (about 40-50%) and it’s fostered in hostile environments characterized by lack of warmth, exposure to violence, high negativity, parental inconsistency or parental ASPD, and/or poverty.

While ASPD is associated with poor impulse control, there is still no deficit in reasoning ability. ASPDers with a high intelligence quotient (IQ) are less likely to get caught or engage in illegal or destructive behavior because they know the game. They’d rather be free to fuck people over than in a system and can be quite adept at hiding their traits. This leads me to psychopathy. There’s still some debate about whether psychopathy should be considered different from ASPD, but most clinicians these days agree that psychopathy as a subset of symptoms that fall under ASPD. So just like all squares are rectangles, but not all rectangles are squares, all psychopaths (at this point) are ASPDers, but not all ASPDers are psychopaths. 

Psychopathy:

Defining characteristics of psychopathy include:

If you’re having a hard time reading this, the red and blue branches indicate what aspects of psychopathy are influenced by what bit of anatomy dysregulation. AMG - amygdala, PCC - posterior cingulate cortex, MPFC - medial prefrontal cortex. The coronal slices (red, bottom blue) are as if you’re looking at a person face to face - your left is their right. Top blue is scanned from the right side (See that scrunchy round thing behind the straight part? Below the “PCC”? That’s the cerebellum behind the brain stem. It’s in the back of your head, to help with orientation.) Middle blue is as if you and the person are facing the same direction, but you’re taller and looking straight down on their head. Hope that helps you out!

In general, with regards to criminal behavior, high IQ psychopaths are called “subclinical” psychopaths and are not generally studied bc...well, they blend in. They find other, legal or discreet ways to fulfill thrill seeking behavior.

Psychopathy has some actual distinct differences in the brain that can be physiologically measured. It’s typically shown by differences in the the right amygdala and the anterior rostral prefrontal cortex (arPFC from here on), especially on the right side. (The right hemisphere of the brain is responsible for emotional recognition and expression, while the amygdala controls fear responses/recognition and the PFC in general controls different aspects of higher cognition. In this case, it’s likely the conversion of emotionality to morality, since emotions play a large part in fostering sympathy and from there moral judgement.) See?

Integrative Biopsychosocial Model of APD:

Bio (Genetics and neurobiology): Twin and adoption studies show that ASPD is highly heritable, but it’s the gene-environment interaction that is integral for ASPD development. ASPD is an endophenotype - the underlying aspects of disorder are genetic (low levels serotonin and dopamine (the chemical neurotransmitters), or in the case of psychopaths, low levels of serotonergic or dopaminergic axons (the anatomy that receives the NT)) and provide the unique emotional aspects of ASPD, but the social behavior presentation is guided by the environment (early childhood stress, lack of social guidance, etc). The arousal theory, if you’re interested, is based of the endophenotypes and can explain how certain behaviors arise from them (i.e. ASPDers, esp. psychopaths, are stimulation seeking bc of low response in reward systems (serotonergic/dopaminergic)). *I add on dopamine bc it’s an important chemical in the brain’s reward system, but serotonin is the key one.

Psychosocial (mental and environmental): Inconsistent parental punishments, lack of punishment for aggressive/antagonist behavior, environments that propagate violence, high risk-reward and fearless psychology all lend themselves to the development of the disorder. 

The disorder is like a measuring cup and each influence is water filling it until the water level reaches the mark where the disorder presents itself. 

When it comes to ASPD, prevention, not treatment is preferred. Redirecting behavior patterns in kids with conduct disorder is your best bet compared to trying to get a fully formed, highly aggressive ASPD adult to behave.

Here’s a case study from my abnormal psych textbook depicting what the you’d most likely see in clinical ASPD case (i.e. in “the system” , like prison or a hospital):

(See why I said con-artists asshole? Ryan’s a fucking dick.)

References:

“Abnormal Psychology: An Integrative Approach” 7th Edition, David H. Barlow & V. Mark Durand {This is the book I used in my psychopathology class, which is for...understanding pathologies of the mind lol.}

“Neuroscience” 5th Edition, Dale Purves {Great book for detailed anatomy and physiology of neural circuits, and I didn’t get into like I could, but the emotion chapter is dense and that’s a lot of info to slam you with.}

“The Foundations of Behavioral Neuroscience” 9th Edition, Neil R. Carlson {Easy to read and a great general capstone text} 

Okay, so now that we got the science, on to Kai Parker:

Right, so I think it’s safe to say that, canonically, Kai mostly fits the criteria for ASPD, but you’re def free to go back over all that up there and do your own comparison. We all know how Kai is an admitted “sociopath”. Considering Joshua Parker’s behavior, we can probably take a gander on the genetic component and considering the entire Gemini premise, plus the way Kai in particular was raised as the outsider in his family, we have an idea of the hostile and warmth-lacking environment that fostered it.

Because it’s TVD, I do think Kai was written to cater that whole “handsome, suburban white boy gone wrong” schtick, but I also think he’s one of the most subtly well-fleshed characters that show ever produced. There’s this one article I read for a neuro lit course (“Loneliness and associated violent antisocial behavior: analysis of the case reports of Jeffrey Dahmer and Dennis Nilsen.” authored by W.H. Martens and G.B. Palmero) that really stuck to me in a pervasive way and it’s about how chronically festering feelings of neglect and loneliness, of feeling like an unaccepted outsider, drove Dahmer and Nilsen to take their victim’s lives in a misguided way to dissuade the loneliness.

Having read that makes me wonder how Kai, the fictional serial killer, reflects his real life counterparts. The drive for merging and becoming coven leader is something that would force others to acknowledge him, which ties into his “black sheep” speech, his “I was never hugged as a child and my siblings were kept away” complaint (There are a lot of inconsistencies in his dialogued back story that bother me, but it makes me wonder if he ever lied about his past: “my favorite memory is when I finally beat him to death” and the preceding story about Mario Kart with the bby bro seems like something he might have just made up to fuck with Elena), and other vocalizations he’s made about his past which point to him being the misfit and desiring a sense of belonging. While we know Kai’s ASPD is a part of his characterization, this to me seems out of the norm for this disorder, simply because it indicates an understanding of sympathy that is unwittingly emotional.

Of course, Kai could also just want to be able to lord the world’s biggest “FU!” over his abusers.

Either way, anti or not, when using the ASPD/sociopath argument to defend or dismantle Kai as a character, I think it’s a good idea to keep in mind that Kai was written inconsistently. He shows very little impulsivity or recklessness in 1994, one trait which is almost a given with ASPD, nor was he flightly/irresponsible. He always had some end-goal or plan in mind. This was pre-merge. But he was also manipulative and showed no regret about the people he hurt. Obviously, each case of the disorder is unique because they exist on a spectrum, but the pattern and criteria are there due to broad commonalities in each case. The way the media tends to portray ASPD is not all consistent with the way the disorder presents irl.

[arodrwho]

oh that’s really interesting! m’not sure i agree with everything here, necessarily, but i can definitely see what you mean!

i definitely agree that caleb’s deal w/waiting is v different from nott’s. bc he’s for sure waiting for stuff, but he’s def not waiting for his turn

his “waiting” is mostly making gradual progress & biding his time goal-wise bc he’s not powerful or well-connected enough yet (sidenote: his main goal atm i feel is less altering reality and more taking down the assembly? so he already has sth more attainable & i don’t know that i quite agree that helping-nott is the perfect purpose for him--i also don’t know how comfy i am w/the idea? for reasons i can’t seem to articulate it rubs me slightly the wrong way)

meanwhile nott’s “waiting” is always putting her emotions on the backburner bc they’re not important next to everyone else’s (waiting on her goals is a byproduct of that; is 1 symptom of many, not the overall problem)

& caleb, so far as i can tell, doesn’t have that particular problem?

maybe on a--smaller level, there’s a few times he delays having important conversations bc he’s waiting for a quiet moment (see: assarius). but by & large if he’s having some kind of Emotional Hooplah he says something about it to someone. sometimes he’s ignored (like with yussah’s tower) and the situation goes ahead anyways and he begrudgingly goes with it--but then shortly afterward he explains his feelings & perspective

& if we look at how caleb does approach the problem of perceived conflicting emotional needs--so far it seems his solution is to confide in someone whose emotional needs don’t conflict w/his own at the moment (see: nott, after the fiasco on the docks in nicodranas; beau, that night by the hellbridge)

also he often initiates conversations abt his feelings out of the blue, which nott would find uhhhh unthinkable to do herself personally

he’s not--

he doesn’t constantly shoulder his burdens alone w/out speaking to anyone about them, the way nott does, i think is what i’m trying to say (....five years’ silence notwithstanding lmao) (not even in terms of his goals, tbh, bc like you said he’s always trying to collect favors and allies)

(not to say he never keeps things quiet? the residuum moment comes to mind... just--he doesn’t have quite the same pattern)

as to caleb’s waiting for confirmation of what nott wanted--i’m with you to an extent, bc he’s very much “okay, i have addressed the problem as best i can, have said my piece and made my offer, and the ball is now in your court, because this is your life and these are your choices”

but also there’s exceptions to that rule (buying/hiding the booze without talking to her abt it, and casting suggestion w/out permission, and quietly carrying her away from the scene of grief way back when), & i feel like one of them is your exact example, specifically?

bc he v much did just charge ahead on the barest breadcrumb of her telling the group she’d like to be veth again someday, & go quietly learn polymorph for her

which is kind of interesting, because, like--

that’s the sort of thing nott does for him, often?

she charges ahead and sends a letter to someone he used to know, because she knows he needs friends. she charges ahead and asks the new cleric to keep an eye on him, because she knows he needs looking after and healing. she ignores the ticking clock and unlocks book after book after book in the study, because he needs them (because she needs him to be stronger). she brings up his past in front of the bright queen, because that saves him starting the conversation. she pushes for the conversation with the scourger, because that’s what he must need! she brings up the page they stole to essek, because that saves caleb the asking. she throws herself in harm’s way for him, again and again and again, whether he wants it or not--

and he doesn’t. not really. not if it means her life--

so her methods are often a little misguided, though she means well. as are his, sometimes

the difference between them there, though, is that caleb actually does ask and offer a lot more than nott? at least the way i’m perceiving it, a lot of the time, he waits just long enough to check first. or else only acts if he perceives nott as having actively asked for something herself

(i feel like that’s been the case more & more since he cast suggestion on her. since she told him to just ask next time)

(i also feel like--it comes down, a little bit, to a difference in how they perceive themselves. like. they both hate themselves. but for all nott hates herself and thinks she’s stupid and cowardly and bad, she does tend to trust her own judgement when it comes to What Others Need. so of course if she thinks someone needs a particular thing, she is going to go right ahead and get it for them, whether they ask for it or not. that’s what she’s for! and she knows how hard it is to ask for things)

(caleb meanwhile hates himself and does not trust his own judgement when it comes to What Others Need. he’s very very uncertain and looks to others for guidance a lot. so he offers, and he checks in, and he waits for others to ask)

like, with polymorph, when he just went ahead and learned it? nott hadn’t asked him directly to change her back, but i get the feeling he was under the impression that by telling everyone what she wanted/needed, she was asking implicitly

and when it became clear that that wasn’t the case, when she responded to caleb’s “yeah so i learned polymorph for you? as a first step towards what you want?” by being kind of weirdly taken aback and cagey about things--

then caleb didn’t say anything abt the subject for several episodes

which i think is where you perceive the waiting? which is totally fair & interesting! esp. w/how it relates to caleb needing a purpose and helping-nott potentially being one possible purpose, and them sidestepping around each other

and on that note--

i super agree that they’re both too concerned with what they think their needs are to actually get what they need--but i’m curious whether you think it’s their own needs they’re misinterpreting, or each other’s? bc personally i think it’s a bit of both, w/caleb being maybe a little closer to understanding nott’s underlying needs than vice versa

but not quite there yet, entirely, in part bc there’s a few pieces he’s only just grasping (like how she views herself as expendable), & in part bc he’s struggling to understand & navigate the proper balance between “say your piece, then give nott space to make her own decisions abt her life & mental health, bc she super needs that” and, like, “continually talk to nott abt her feelings & affirm to her that her decisions are allowed & her feelings are valid & she is important, bc she super needs that.” he’s trying, but. mixed success, u know,,

which is fair bc hoo boy is that a fine line to dance on

but also what the heck do i know, & thus: curious your perspective

also i die a whole lot at your first point, abt nott being rly high up on caleb’s priority list & helping her being sth that is good for him aswell as her--

i die a whole lot, he loves her. so much

& she just. doesnot see it. even though he’s told her, he’s told her so many times that he’s here for her & wants to help her w/literally whatever she needs. fuckin hell, like, she asks him to burn her alive someday and he doesn’t say no, even though we all know the idea is completely repulsive to (& massively triggering for) him. he just goes “well, i would prefer not to do it that way? but i will look into it, i will seek out options, i try my very best to get you what you want”

he’s told her that, straight-up, on top of all their other conversations, and still she’s like “okay but you’re more important and you’re definitely not going to try for my thing right away, obviously my thing & my feelings are last in the order, obviously it’s everyone else’s turn first”

i just wanna. hug her & go “oh buddy no,,,”

bc you’re right, you’re so right, caleb’s definitely put “change nott back” reeeeal high on his priority list, bc he wants so badly to help her bc he loves her so much & she can’t see it bc well what the fuck is there to love is she right

& parallel that w/nott telling caleb over and over she’ll be at his side until he learns to forgive himself, that she wants to help him on his journey, that they’re in this together, & w/caleb being so sure that she’s going to leave him to be w/yeza, & quietly resigning himself to that--

& then i’m fuCKin dead

i’ve died, these 2 have killed me, i do not know how. to cope,,

tl;dr caleb is waiting goalwise, nott is waiting emotionwise, these 2 need to communicate more for suresies, caleb is actively trying & has been for a while, nott ain’t hearing him, caleb ain’t entirely hearing her, & they both. are murdering me v slowly

god though when nott said she feels like everyone will need to go through all of their individual journeys before they get round to her thing–

i felt that

there’s something my therapist said, once, when i talked about feeling similarly re: my own emotional wellbeing vs my family’s–

she said, “it feels like you’re just waiting for it to be your turn”

and that’s just nott all over, isn’t it? she’s just waiting for it to be her turn. always, always waiting

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[huggableduck]

Can you please explain what's so good about lysandre? Not saying there isn't anything I'm just curious i never played much attention to his character I was more concerned about finding the next clothes shop in X lol

Well first off all aesthetically he’s so good.. I love his weird french gothic fashion with the fur collar and the big ass beard, but he somehow also gives off hipster/silicone valley vibes with the coffee shop thing and how he invented the holocaster. he’s just all rich and regal and modern like.. gay icon. Like they NAILED his look and feel in my opinion

But also from a storytelling standpoint I guess lys stood out to me bc his motivations weren’t for self gain even remotely? which is smthn no other antagonist (except N) had ever done. He just wanted so badly to preserve peace and beauty… & his conflict & heartbreak was so extreme throughout xy that he cries openly at the thought of hurting pokemon for the sake of achieving his goal. He did it because he felt like he NEEDED to. Obviously this doesn’t excuse his actions, but it was a really unique & touching approach to a villain and I’m addicted to it because I’m a soft hearted sympathetic weenie And he even carries through with it to the very end!!! he’s so willing to do what he thinks is right that he sacrifices his own life to activate the machine just once! Even though his method was obviously insane and misguided as fuck he just radiates a sense of justice and selflessness and his heart is GIGANTIC and I can’t help but love him for that

Also Like., it majorly pisses me off that he died at the end of xy because he could have easily used the massive amounts of love in his heart for productive good!!!! But xy’s pacing was bizarre and they NEVER explained why he became so obsessive/unstable and misguided in his methods to end the suffering of pokemon, they just presented his character as unwavering and fucking killed him off at the end without really giving him a chance to learn where he went wrong. I wish lysandre could have reconnected and made up with sycamore and went away to self reflect, so he could have learned that the real way to achieve peace is to be kind and giving to the people around you and to make changes in yourself instead of the world but go off I guess gamefreak