thepointlessdiary - Tumblr blog

[thepointlessdiary]

At all.

Dear pointless shitface,

I don't know what's going on with me. It's like Asshole is contaminating my brain with his existence. I want to smack my face against the wall or drill a hole into my head. I want to do something, anything that might make this feeling go away. Wait, I'm sure you're completely confused. Let me try to explain.

It all started– okay I don't really remember when it started exactly. Which is even worse. Because if I don't remember, does it mean this feeling has been there all along?! I feel like I'm going to cry or pass out or maybe both.

This week the island had to deal with another hurricane. It broke the record I think it was Category 5. I wasn't that scared of the situation. Just glad we didn't have to go to school this week. But everyone in my street was worried. So Maura's mom sent a message in the group chat saying we should all go out to pray. So we all went out. Including Asshole and Eric. Even Linn was there which was great I got so happy to see her. I couldn't hug her but what ever. I'm just glad I got to see her.

I noticed that Maura was talking to Eric and Asshole. Usually I would stay out of the group if the former mushroom-boy was there. It was sort of our unspoken law. If he was in the group, I wouldn't be there. And I was okay with it back then. Not having to deal with Satan? Perfect! But then time passed and he was with the group every day. Leaving me alone— you already know the whole story.

But that day, I don't know what got into me. I was done. If he didn't like my presence there, then it was his bad. I was done with it. I was done with him and his stupid immature hate towards me. So I walked right over there. And spoke to Eric and Maura. And joked and laughed and absolutely loving the way it irritated him. The way his stupid intoxicating brown eyes were surprised to actually see me, breaking our unspoken rule. I loved every fucking second of it. Because I was back and there was nothing he could do about it.

The next day Hurricane Maria came. And it was horrible according to my mother. I, however, slept like a hibernating panda. It was one hour away at being over and being the puertoricans we are, we went outside. All of us. Including Asshole.

Me and Maura came across a group of people that were wandering around the neighborhood just to check out te damage and dance under the storm. So we decided to go with them. Asshole saw me talk to his friends which made him decide him and his brother would stay inside. Only Eric wanted to tag along. Which left Asshole no option but to come with us.

We saw almost every palm tree on the floor and even some cars flipped upside down here and there. It looked like a damn apocalyptic movie. And I found that fascinating. I began to notice myself wanting to grasp Asshole's attention. Not in a desperate way. Just talking to Eric and then asking him questions that required both of them answering. Sadly Eric answered for him.

While we walked to the last street in our private neighborhood, Eric asked me "You guys saw the house with the palm tree inside?"

I was so excited to see it and answered "holy shit! Can we go?" And as I say this I feel asshole's eyes on me.

Let me explain why this is a huge deal. Asshole does NOT, under any circumstance, look at me while I talk. He may glance at me fine for a mini second when I arrive somewhere he's at or when walk my dogs. But when that mini second is over, his eyes take place somewhere else and as usual pretends I don't exist. And I don't know why.

For some reason feeling his eyes on me for so long, while I spoke, It made my ears connect with my heartbeat and this weird heat take over my cheeks. I don't understand why they're feeling so warm as I'm writing this. I hate this! Make it stop!

We ended up spending the whole day roaming around the neighborhood, talking to other people. I even saw my ex there. Not Ryan, just some other guy. Who is still hot by the way. Just wanted to point that out. I HAVE A HOT EX. Kay I'm done. It became dark and everyone went inside.

Today the worst thing posible happened.

I was on my couch. The door open making the breeze enter my house while I laid there reading a book. Like always, minding my own business. But then I see him pass my house. It was only a second but it was enough to make my heart beat fast. That's what worried me. Why the fuck was my heart beating this fast over pure evil? I thought. Could it be that I—

I quickly closed the book and forbid my brain from finishing that sentence. There is no way in hell that I find him even remotely attractive. At all!

My heart kept feeling like a damn sledgehammer over my pulse and I had the strange feeling of something tickling my stomach. I wanted to cry or pass out or even both... again!

I stand up and walk to the bathroom. Maybe it was because I just ate breakfast and it was giving me a weird ache. I brushed my teeth for the 100th time that morning because I kept imagining his lips and it disgusted me. I couldn't take it, so I filled up the sink with water and then dived my face inside. It's the hurricane. It traumatized me or something. That's why.

I look into the mirror and think. You don't like him. Then I find my lips saying "At all". Because I don't like Asshole. At all! How can I possibly think such a thing?

I can never like Satan.

I kept repeating the same thing over and over again as I walk down the hallways. "At all, at all, at all" because I don't.

When I walk outside and into the car where my phone is charging, i look beside me. And I see him and Eric cutting down a tree that fell on top of their house. I find myself staring at him. His cheeks were flushed due to the heat. I could see his hair glued to his forehead thanks to the sweat that was also making his t shirt almost transparent, letting everyone see his stupid, stupid abs. And his lips– okay STOP.

I smacked myself and I think Eric saw, but I didnt care. Because I was pretty determined to get his brother out of my head. I keep reading wattpad. Trying to distract myself from him. But my eyes keep looking! Maybe he's a fucking wizard and casted a spell to make every teenage girl attracted to him. These excuses are pathetic and I finally realize what was going on. I look at myself in the car mirror. And saying the most horrifying thing I have ever said in my life. "You like the asshole nextdoor."

[thepointlessdiary]

Newsflash III: Linn.

Dear—oh for fuck's sake you get it, This part of my incredibly ridiculous life's update is the one that pisses me off. I'm sure you guys (and by you guys I mean myself because I am fully aware I'm the only person reading this utterly pointless diary) have been wondering where Linn's at. Well you gorgeous-only-reader-who-is-currently-typing-the-story, this shit is about to get real. So it was Maura's 18th birthday. There was a lot of alcohol and music and sweaty dry humping teenage dirtbags. Me and Maura were kinda concerned that Linn wasn't there. She knew it was Maura's birthday and it was really unlike her to miss on the booze. So I went to look for her. Because I know that Linn has been wanting to get drunk for a while. That's right, I care. Mind you, when I went to look for her at her house they haven't served any shots or beer so there was no fucking way I was drunk. I went to her front door and knocked waiting for her to show up slaying the game as usual. But Diana opened the door. As soon as she saw me she looked like she wanted to yell at me. What the fuck did I do to you, lady? I smiled, like always, and asked for Linn. She furrowed her eyebrows at me and said "she's sick". I, being the worried fuck i am, said "what? Is she okay? What happened?". She once again took a second to reply, and then she said "she's fine i gave her sleeping pills". I told her to call me if anything happened, gave her a kiss on the cheek like always and walked away. I honestly didn't over think the situation. It just seemed like a normal encounter, right? Nothing bad happened, no insults were exchanged. So I just thought Linn was asleep. I texted her "Hey u ok? Me and Maura are concerned." It was odd that she didn't at least text us. But when we realized she wasn't going to answer we just decided to party and get drunk. The next morning after finally being able to check my phone without the hangover trying to kill me, I texted her again. But she didn't answer. The next day I was minding my own business when the phone indicated me that I received a message. It read "dude WTF!" I answered "yoo u ok?" And she said, making me be confusion itself, "U were rude to her wtf" ... Um... ??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN RUDE?! I was so confused! Rude to who? WHEN?! I don't remember being rude to anyone! She didn't reply. BUT I NEEDED ANSWERS. So I called her. Now the conversation went something like this: Linn: *silence* Me: ... *thinks: bitch wtf say something* Linn: yeah? Me: *thinks: for real?* um... rude to who? Linn: to my mom. Me: ... Me:.... Me: *thinks: WHAT THE FUCK* when? Linn: when you went to check if I was coming to the party. *hangs up* You understand my confusion. I literally went there, asked if she could come out/if she was okay, and left. No way is smiling and being concerned is insulting. So I texted her again. And she responded "she said you were acting weird" and I said that I was worried because apparently she was sick. She replied "She said she was insulted and then she yelled and took it out on me" LADY! I said "Is Linn okay?" not, "I murdered your dog". Linn then told me "I can't ever go out or have anyone come over" I don't even know how to explain this. But apparently they're literally forbidding her from leaving. They almost made her break up with her boyfriend. ALMOST. They're still dating in private. Thank the lords. So she can't leave her house unless it's for school or going to her dad's house. She can't tell me what's going on exactly. She said they're making her stay quiet and that if they find out that she's still texting me she's in huge trouble. I'm so angry. Why would you do this to your daughter. Adopted or not, she's still your daughter and she deserves happiness. She was finally feeling happy and you took that away. I don't know what's going on. What ever is happening you can't solve the issue by keeping her in a bubble away from humanity. Someday I'm going to get her out of there.

[thepointlessdiary]

Newsflash II: drunk apologies

Dear blah blah,

I recall that in a previous upload (first one I ever made to be specific) I mention a back stabbing neighbor named Bitch-Face. I mean, Maura. But you understand who I’m talking about. I mentioned my hatred towards her. Well, I wouldn’t say hatred. What I mean by that is that I used to dislike her. And I always thought that I’d meet Dylan O’ Brien before becoming friends with Maura again.

Boy, do I got a story for you. Now sit your non existent cyber ass, get some cyber popcorn and sit the cyber fucking down.

It isn’t a secret when I say our families were once weirdly inseparable. Mine and Maura’s little brothers were best friends. Our mom’s were like sisters just like we used to be. So we all got along super happily.

So when me and Maura cut the strings, we were sometimes forced to hang out. My mother knew what was going on and she tried everything she could to avoid us interacting. But sometimes not even Zeus could separate our fates. One night, not too long ago if I remember correctly, I was at Maura’s house. We were awkwardly sitting on the table and then her drunk father gave us a six pack of Redds. We weren’t really on good terms but, hey, beer is beer.

A bottle became three and then beer became shots which ended up creating a giant ball of embarrassment to the human race. We became a sobbing mess. Crying and pouring out our feelings. Maura told me that “the gang” officially stopped talking to her. Which isn’t surprising considering they might as well be Adolf Hitler. Wait, that’s too far. Let’s carry on.

She said she had a fight with Martha, another bitch, which I won’t get into a lot of detail of her today. But don’t worry non existent audience. This shit face deserves her own Text. That’s for a lovely day with the winds of revenge.

Anywho, Maura was hurt and lonely. And she cried all night. I won’t stand here and say I wasn’t crying. Oh dear gods, I was crying like a newborn baby. It was so embarrassing when I woke up in the morning. And we both woke up next to each other. For some reason we had an unspoken agreement that we were gonna give our friendship a shot. And so far it’s been good.

I think it’s been two to three months. And we’ve been solid.

But I won’t be fooled anymore. If there’s anything this cold ass sadistic life has taught me is that the only person you can truly trust is yourself. And I’m planning on keeping it that way for a damn while.

[thepointlessdiary]

Newsflash: So be it.

Dear pointless diary,

Long time no see. There’s a lot of things that have been going on. It all seems like some sort of movie. Now I understand why people get so fascinated by my life. It’s just so unpredictable and unbelievable. I don’t even know where to begin.

Ryan and I broke up. I know, just your normal teenage girl problems. But let me finish. As some of you may know (or maybe not because I don’t recall talking about this fact), I attend to a theater school. Which means I’m about as busy as Obama once was (please note the tears streaming down my face #ObamaIsMyDaddy). Aside from academics, I got a lot of shows and plays to participate in. However, in the last three months of the school year it’s an even busier schedule than ever. I warned Ryan of this. Plenty of times. And he was supposedly okay with this. So over the course of march to may Ryan and I’s relationship felt like it was slowing down. I barely saw him (which made him have to masturbate to gay porn). And when I could I still felt like always. If you guys don’t know I suffer an emotional cycle of some sort. I’ve been dealing with this all my life. Every year on October I get as sad as the day of my dad’s death. But Ryan opened up a new emotional cycle. Or so my therapist says (no, I’m not crazy. Yes, I am aware I have a shrink.) The day he left me last year gave me the most horrendous feeling. Not because he left me. I couldn’t care less. It was the fact that someone else betrayed me. Trust is a big word for me. And I decided to give it a chance. So the feeling of betrayal once again felt like a thousand bricks falling on top of me, forcing me to stay on the ground. Oh, gosh. Here we go again. Being deep and shit.

It sucked. It completely sucked. And I became a mess. So when we decided to get back together, right before seeming him every time we went out, I would always get a panic attack.

Something you should know about me is the seriousness in my panic attacks. There’s many types of panic attacks. But one the worst kind is the one you feel all the way from the tip of your fingers to every fucking brain cell. All your nerves alter making you feel like in some sort of epileptic seizure. And making everything worse, I vomit every single time. So every time I went to see him or he came home I would puke 3 minutes before he came by. Which was horrible. Made me lose a lot of weight and strength. People might think I’m anorexic.

I never got a chance to tell him that. Because we broke up. I’m not going to get into details because I know it doesn’t really matter. The point is he sent me a message that, even if he thinks I’m over reacting, completely changed my point of view of the type of person he was. And I tried to give the relationship a try, but it didn’t work out. We both weren’t feeling it, and we both decided to stop. I didn’t want to end up hating him or have him hate me. I’m not gonna lie, I felt peace. I can eat normally again. I don’t cry every night. I’m not worried about what he might do every day, hour, minute, second. I’m just free. And I’m happy. I don’t care if I’m selfish. I’ve been dealing with this sickness for over five months now just to make him happy. I have been suffering for 152 days! Yes, I’ve been counting them! I hate the person I’ve become. And it’s taking all my fucking strength not to type this in all caps or not to throw the phone across the room, because it isn’t fair! I AM NOT THE BAD GUY HERE. WHY WOULD WANTING TO BE HAPPY BE A BAD THING?

I gave him everything I was willing to give. And just because I wouldn’t give him what I am most proud of he wasn’t comfortable with the relationship. So I just stopped loving him. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Because now I’m happy.

Remember the “last virgin standing”? I was right. I shouldn’t just go to him and tell him to just take me. I should wait. And I don’t care if it’s pathetic to be a virgin at 18. I’m okay with it. And until I find someone who deserves it, or makes me feel comfortable, i will still be a virgin. And if it takes me months. If it takes me years, So be it.

[thepointlessdiary]

A bug's life

Dear pointless diary (I apologize in advance), Sometimes I like to stay outside on my front porch and sit on the bench. Think about my problems or what ever's bothering me that day. Feel the night breeze in my hair. Smell the scent that nature endorses me with. Hear the birds, the coquis singing. Look at the moon and wonder if there's any possibility that this may all be some huge lie. I stare at every living thing from across my street. The neighbors, the cats, the dogs. The bugs, ants. Something that has kept me going, as stupid as it sounds, it's realizing how ants have it worse than I have. They live a short life of hiding in the shadows. Having to bust their tiny ant asses to build their own underground city. Cowering every time they go out to get food for their family. They're murdered by the big ones without hesitation. I see them basically running for their lives in a defined line. All together, all apart. Humanity is yet to know a world without ants is no world at all. I guess I'm not even getting to the point of the story. But I don't want to change perspective. So let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, in Ant-world (Jesus fucking Christ these names aren't getting any creative) lived a teenage female ant named Azul (yes, Blue). Azul had a little brother named Jo and a mother named Yaya. The three have been through a lot over the past years since Blue turned Three (which means it's been basically her whole life). On a rainy, yet beautiful day, Azul's ant father passed away. Leaving only his invisible trail and a video which would only be spotted thirteen years in the not so near future. His death was hard on everyone. It was very hard for Mother, but she managed to get everything together and help her children. There has been many ups and downs in their Ant Lives. But they all survived. They all made It through. And 13 years later, Azul is here. Away from her own invisible trail, sitting on the edge of the bench. Looking straight into a young human girl's eyes and realizing she's a mirror in her own life. Noticing how she desperately types on her phone and how tears dance down her face. She heard her dad's voice for the first time that night. And Azul could see the hurt in her eyes. Because, much like herself, she craved her father figure more than ever that day.

[thepointlessdiary]

The last virgen standing

Dear pointless diary, Virginity. A nine letter word that seems to define wether we're cool or not. But at the same time define if we're a slut. Thing around here are different than in the states. Over there losing your virginity can be seen as a normal thing. Over here everything's different. Open your legs once and BAM– town's new slut. It can also go the other way around. Maybe you lost your virginity to the person you love the most and it was worth it. Beautiful even. In that case it just makes you a teenager. One who fell in love and thought that if this really wasn't forever, maybe giving him a piece of you will always stay in each other's hearts. Geez that was deep. Way to go, Blue. You just made something as awesome as sex sound like a bad try of a copied Shakespeare novel. Today is the last day of winter break. Quick update that I forgot to tell you about in the last post: I had a surgery. Apendicitis. It was pretty serious but I survived. It was actually the 26th and I stayed in the hospital until the 30th. After that came Three King's Day and my cousins Ally and Donna stayed over (Which was the inspiration for "The perfect cousin"). Donna had to leave early and Ally stayed another day. We went to my neighborhood park and met a girl named Karen. I always saw her with roller skates, riding around the park. But I never had the courage to talk to her. Ally told me to go for it so I did and she was pretty awesome. We went to her house and me some other people. I know. Me, Mrs. Anti-social making actual friends. We all started talking about our lives experiences and I was actually surprised that they all found my life extremely entertaining. And then came the sex talk. *cue the lady screaming in the background and some terrifying music* Okay, yeah. I'm a virgen. I think we all knew that. But apparently they didn't. Because they talked to me as if I already lost my V-card. Adam, a cute guy who was on the track team, said “I still can't believe Karen lost her virginity last month“ and they all laughed at an apparent embarrassing moment Karen is yet to tell me. My eyes scanned the room and I noticed something then and there. Oh my fucking Blue. I am the LAST virgen standing. Absolutely EVERYONE in here has had someone inside them or has been inside of someone. And me? I'm just settling for my vibrator Cookie and my dearest tiny fingers. I start having a mental breakdown– not really. I internally scream at the top of my lungs. What in the actual fuck was I supposed to do? Go to Ryan's house and beg him to pound me oh-so dearly? OF COURSE NOT! It's not that I don't want to. Believe me I do. I just don't think it's the right time. I don't know how long I'll be with Ryan. And I don't plan on giving him a piece of me that important unless he proves me wrong. My mom keeps thinking I'll never make it to 18 a virgen. I've made it this far, haven't I? Almost eighteen. It will be tough to hold my urges. But I'll manage.

[thepointlessdiary]

The Perfect Cousin

Dear Pointless Diary,

It’s been a really long day. I’ve been trying to hold my urges to write this but this is getting out of hand. Do you ever feel like you’re not good enough to be here, so you have to try harder than the rest of them? Of course not. You’re a blog. But I can’t be the only loser alive, right?

I’ve been holding back. Because even though I know no one will read this, it’s still kind of rude.

All my life I’ve been the shadow of Donna. The most perfect human being alive. Perfect daughter. Perfect sister. Perfect cousin. Perfect girlfriend. Everything about her is “perfect”.

I’ve learned to deal with it because she’s my cousin and I love her. When we were little it didn’t really bother me. Until she started getting good at the things I was known for. When we were 10 she started taking art clases. And claimed that art was “her thing”. When we were 12 she started going to Modeling clases (which so was I, she never let me tell her because she never let me talk about me) and claimed that it was her thing. When I turned 14 I wanted to learn to surf. Guess who started surfing and became known as the “surfer girl” in the family? When I turned 16 I became interested in make up and guess who told me that make up was her thing? That’s right. Donna.

It’s kinda hard going to the mall with Donna by your side. Going shopping with Donna is like asking your crush to prom and then getting rejected in front of the whole school: bad for the ego and extremely embarrassing.

I remember one time we went to forever 21 (that’s right bitches, I have style). The whole time she kept saying “this store is so Donna” or “These clothes are so Donna” ”Will this look good on me? What am I saying? OF COURSE. I’m Donna”.

As if it wasn’t hard enough for me not to throw myself out of the building window, she tried on this dress I’ve been staring at from outside the window for weeks. It looked gorgeous on her. It kinda hurt because it was the only dress that I actually felt quite pretty on. And I knew the moment she looked at herself in the mirror and smiled; that dress was history for me.

Don also likes bragging about the Oh-so many suiters who are deeply in love with her. Every time she comes visit she keeps telling me about these new guys that fell in love with her. “I’m telling you, Blue. Homer is deeply in love with me. Like, so so in love with me. He would die for me. He told me he loved me so much and I just told him ‘Homer, I’m sorry but you’re not the only one” And as if it wasn’t annoying enough she keeps telling me how she thinks my boyfriend is checking her out. Kay, if I ever catch him I will rip his pubes out. It’s not that I don’t trust her but she’s done this before without knowing and it always fucked my relationship up.

This probably makes her sound kinda mean. But I swear she isn’t. She just likes the attention. And I can’t blame her. She’s really pretty and of course she’ll get attention.

I didn’t really want to write any of this until a couple of minutes ago. When I saw her talking on her phone with her boyfriend while she told him about all the boys that where flirting with her. And how it was “so weird and unfortunate that they didn’t even notice Blue was there”. Am I really that invisible around Donna? Should I use my invisibility powers for good or for evil? We all know the answer to that. I’m an evil fuck who enjoys messing with people.

There’s a lot of things I’m not adding here because it will make her sound like a bigger asshole. And that’s the opposite of what I want.

Being close to Donna is like I’m begging the insecurities to come. It’s really hard for me and most of the time I end up crying in my room eating my mom’s gluten free ice cream like the hormonal teenager I am.

But what can I say? I guess I’m no match for the perfect cousin.

Sunday, January 8th, 2017.

[thepointlessdiary]

China anyone...?

Dear pointless diary, I just updated my phone to ios10 and so far it's freaking me out. Every time I type it makes this weird popping noises. It's grossing me out. Anyways. Let's move on to what's really making me agonize. It's Friday. I wrote today's post yesterday. But I was too scared to upload it. Which made Linn want to kill me. I wanted to show her how I finally had the guts to upload something. And then, as I knock on the door I realize I don't hear her yell "COMING BITCH" or see her open the door with a face mask on and a spoonful of Nutella in her mouth. No no no. Far from that. Instead i'm greeted by her mother's confused face. Her eyes screamed "wtf" while her words were "Hello, darling" I ask her "Hey, is Linn here?" Obviously there to see her. I'm not planing on having a tea party with Linn's mother anytime soon. I can see the confusion clearly in her face. For a moment I thought I went to a parallel universe where Linn's mother never adopted her and I was left alone in the world of Asshole and Bitch-Face. Yes, that's what we're calling Maura from now on. But then Diana, Linn's mom, awkwardly said "She's in China with her sister" Mother-of-bitch-who-doesn't-tell-her -best-friend-she's-going-to-China say what? So, yeah. Turns out Linn went to china on Holliday vacations with her adoptive sister. It was her late birthday gift. And it was a complete surprise but still it would've been great to have a heads up. I'm here sitting on the bank in front of my house entrance watching Bitch-Face give the devil she has for a dog a walk. Even her pets radiate evil. Linn's going to be there for 12 more days and I can already sense the boredom I'll be dealing with for the next week and a half. I guess I'll have to learn to survive Darth-Land. Yes, we are calling my neighborhood that. May the force be with me. Friday, November 18, 2016. (7:38 pm)

[thepointlessdiary]

The Asshole Nextdoor

Dear pointless diary,

Never have I ever met someone so cold hearted as my neighbor. Soy full of joy every time someone is in pain. It’s like he feeds on people’s bad energy. I’m beginning to think he’s some sort of dark energy meta-human that escaped iron heights. Yes, I’m making The Flash references. Deal with it.

Me and my friend Linn used to talk shit about him all the time. Not because we liked to be bullies but because he made our lives living hell. Of course, we only did that when we were alone. We didn’t REALLY wanna hurt his feelings. Fortunately for him, I’m not as soulless as he is.

We used to call him Mushroom Boy. Blame the hairstyle he had for over 12 years. I was beginning to think it was the only thing his barber knew how to do up until recently, when he got a haircut. It suited him, to be honest. Didn’t look too bad. But it completely RUINED Linn and I’s insult. So now we’re stuck without a code name to talk shit because there’s no point in calling him mushroom boy if he doesn’t have a mushroom to insult.

Anyways, let me tell you a little background.

When I was younger all of my childhood friends were really close. There were 6 of us. Me, the girl whom was my best friend, Gabby who was my Nextdoor neighbor, Bert: neighbor from another street, The Asshole and his brother. The asshole’s brother is the oldest between them. He’s my age. Me, maura (my childhood best friend) and him were very close. Erick, the asshole’s brother, was our friend since we were born. The three of us were inseparable. Me and Erick where in the same pre school and I remember that when I went to another school afterwards he DEMANDED to go to my school. And he did. Everything was perfect. I had good grades even after the tragedy that happened to my family. I was happy. Had the two best friends in the world there for me.

Asshole used to be my friend too. I honestly have no idea why all of the sudden he hated my guts. He despises me for no fucking reason. I swear, I keep looking back. Trying to find something– ANYTHING I’ve done that may have triggered hatred towards me. But I find nothing. We were such good friends. Everyone cared for each other. Everyone was so happy and we never wished to hurt anyone. And then— he ruined everything.

Out of nowhere he snapped. Wanted me to leave, to never come back. Wished for me to just stop interacting with everyone and stay inside. He made it his life mission to make that happen. Every time I left the park and went home I could practically feel his insults stabbing my back. I knew he didn’t like me, and I knew they were aware. What I didn’t know was that slowly they were all giving in to the hatred as well.

I remember one day, I came back from a weekend in the Hilton Hotel. I had a great time. I felt at peace with everything. But of course, asshole had other plans.

The moment I got to my house and opened the car door the first thing I hear is ”SHE’S HERE! EVERYBODY HIDE!”

And i saw how one by one they all started running away from me. Hiding, like I had some sort of disease. I honestly didn’t care about Asshole or Gabby or Bert. What actually hurt was the glimpse of satisfaction Maura and Erick had when they looked back at me. A tear fell down my cheek and they were happy about it. The smug look on Asshole’s face didn’t make it any better.

And everything changed. When I went back to school Erick became a bully. We were only in second grade, yet he found the way to intimidate me more than anyone in the whole school. Everyday was a constant misery with him pushing me, insulting me, and some times tripped me. Let’s not forget Asshole’s constant attempt in making everyone in school hate me.

Their parents? How in the world would their sweet Erick ever hurt someone in front of god’s eyes? That would never happen! Completely impossible! – or so their mother thought.

One day, after I ate lunch I went to the school park. It was peaceful. There were three huge trees that gave me shelter from the sun and the breeze was soothing. There was a pond in the middle with geese and iguanas. I liked going there to stay alone.

Asshole told me never to enter because it was “his territory”. But asshole’s mother called him in sick today. So I could finally draw in a peaceful place without anyone interrupting me.

I forgot to notice that Erick seemed to be sick-free that day. And that he was well aware of my presence in his brother’s territory.

Without warning, he pushed me into the pond. Completely ruining my sketch book. And most importantly, leaving me and my swim-uneducated ass in danger. I almost drowned. Lucky for me, a middle school teacher was talking on the phone downstairs and heard my screams. They took me out just in time. Mom came to pick me up, they gave me a whole week off. And when I came back, Erick and Asshole were transferred to another school.

I later on learned that they expelled Erick. He didn’t seem too bothered. But he had no emotion what so ever. The middle school teacher told my mom that while I was in the pond Erick seemed in some sort of trance. It was like his soul left his body. Completely frozen in place.

Eventually Christmas came along and Maura asked for my forgiveness after what happened. I , being the oblivious child I was, forgave her. Not knowing that every summer for the next 12 years would be the same. Everything would be good on the weekends in school years. But as soon as summer came she would team up with them again and basically ignore me. I was too naive to realize it. And I always forgave her when Fall came along. Because I needed a friend.

Later on Linn moved in. We were twelve. And I remember that no one liked her. Maura hated her now that I think about it. And since Maura was my best friend, and she told me that if I didn’t hate her as well she would leave me for Asshole, I gave in.

But not for too long. It only lasted about two months until I figured out what was going on. Linn was an innocent new neighbor who only wanted to make friends. And I talked to her. Turned out to be hilarious and nice to be around. After three weeks Maura eventually left her “mean girl” act and became friends with her too.

But now we’re here. Five years later. Maura couldn’t be any more of a hypocrite egocentric bitch. Asshole is an even bigger asshole. And I couldn’t be more happy with the best friend I have now.

She sacrificed her social life for me, you know? She noticed how everyone turned their back on me every summer. And decided to do something about it. Obviously left us out of “the group”. But we’re happy being in each other’s lives.

And being here now. Next to my best friend. Watching her while she jokes about Asshole’s new haircut. I realize that The Asshole next door isn’t worth it. Maybe he did take out the worst in me. But not anymore.

I’m glad they all turned their back on me. Because if that never happened I would’ve become just like them. And I wouldn’t be here. In the middle of a movie night with Linn in her room, eating left over popcorn from the movie theater and just enjoying the friendship life gave me.

So thanks to whoever or what ever is up there. I guess there really is a reason for everything.

Friday, November 18th, 2016.