#rwby shitpost

[juanarc-thethird]

What do you say?~

Jaune: *On one knee with a bouquet of roses*

Glynda: Jaune, I'm flattered, but I'm old enough to be your mother.

Jaune: And I'm old enough to turn you into one~💕

Glynda: *red* Oh my! (Damn, he's good~💕)

[rwby-encrusted-blog]

~Jaune has been arrested~

Penny: Jaune! If you want be absolved of your crimes you must sign this paper!

Jaune: Really? That's it?

Penny: Yes, now hurry!

Jaune: Okay *He signs the paper*

Penny: Thank you Hubby!

Jaune: Hubby?

Weiss: Jaune, if you want to ba absolved-

Penny: You are too late Weiss! He has already married me!

Weiss: Fuck! *She punches a wall, cracking it*

Jaune: What's going on?

Penny: By marrying a Citizen of Atlas, you have been granted a green card and all crimes (Provided they are non-violent or acts of treason) previously enacted against the Kingdom have been pardoned.

Jaune: Oh! Thanks Penny! Why are you upset Weiss?

Weiss: *Blushing as she crosses her arms* Because I had wanted to do it.

Jaune: Really? That seems like an overreaction to the situation.

Penny: It's because she likes you romantically, much like I do.

Jaune: Wait, What? Weiss?!? You LIKE- *Processing what Penny said* YOU BOTH LIKE ME?!?!

P+W: Yes. Yes we do.

Jaune: ... Huh ...

Winter: *barges in* MISTER ARC-

P+W: Too late.

Winter: FUCK! *She punches a wall, Shattering it*

[notmaplemable]

Taiyang: Who's that blond kid?

Ruby: Oh that's Jaune. He's my husband, by marriage.

Taiyang: *processing* You're what by... *double processing*

[rwac96]

When Jaune comes to check what is going on, he realizes the size switch for Pyrrha and Nora. He also notices how bigger Pyrrha's ass has gotten.

(previous post)

Jaune: *walks in* "Pyrrha, why is Nora on the fl--?" *stops*

Pyrrha: *turns from the mirror, looking at Jaune* "Jaune! We have a problem!"

*as Pyrrha frantically explains, Jaune is too focused on her bigger Invincibutt*

Pyrrha: *stops talking* "Jaune?" *blinks in confusion*

Jaune: *approaches her slowly* "Butt...Big butt~."

Pyrrha: *blushes* "Oh, my~."

[craziechwiv]

Marooned

'Hello whoever finds this note in a bottle, by the time you read this, me and my boyfriend Jaune would have either been saved or died here. My name is Ruby Rose, and I once inhabited this island foreign to us.'

Ruby then takes a look out at sea, taking a big sigh at the events that have happened.

'Long story short, Team RWBY + JNR were all on a fishing trip on a rented boat. But then said boat was in a massive storm in which Weiss tried to free the water around the boat for it to stay in place until it blew over. And somehow, Nora thought it'd be great to team up with Yang to launch said boat further away from the storm, which ended up not only sent Me and Jaune off it, but now...we're stuck here.'

Ruby takes the time to wipe the tears from her eyes and those that have fallen onto the note, smudging and marking it abit.

'If you are unfortunate enough to be in the same situation as we are, I will have left you a booklet containing to our survival. If you somehow do make it off this island and we haven't, please tell my sister and friend that we are going to haunt them for the end of time. OH, AND TELL YANG TO ALSO BAKE ME LOTS OF COOKIES TO APPEASE ME! APPEASE THE ANGERED GHOST OF HER DEAD SISTER-' 'Ruby.' 'Ruby?' 'Ruby!'

"RUBY!"

Ruby then turns her attention to Jaune, who was trying to get her attention for awhile.

Jaune: They came back for us, cmon.

Ruby: Oh okay!

Ruby then drops the note on the bean, leaving it there as the two walk off back to the boat with their friends on it, and a very, very, emotional Yang who hugged her sister nearly to death.

~~3 Years Later~~

A random marooned survivor is reading said note before it abruptly cuts off, looking out at the sky above.

R.M.S: I SHALL MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE RUBY! I SHALL MAKE HUNDREDS OF COOKIES!

[astertimberwolf]

I'm DEAD 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣😭

I don't know why they exist, but this is so incredibly- stupidly funny to me for some reason. Lmfao

P.s.: this was a certain @amelia-yap (Ami)'s doing! 🤫🤭😏

---

(Also, feel free to screenshot this and repost it on other social media like Twitter / X. I don't really mind)

[saturnsnight]

[ludibriadormonoteista]

Lie Detector

Nora: Hey guys! Guess what I just found in the dumpster! *Slams Device on the Center Table* IT’S A LIE DETECTOR!

Ruby: Wow, really?!

Jaune: Does it still work?

Weiss: *Scoffs* As if. It was obviously thrown out for a reason.

Nora: Oh, is that so? How about we play a little game to test it out?

Ren: Maybe we shouldn’t-

Weiss: HMPH! I humbly accept your challenge. Do your worst, Valkyrie.

Nora: It’s on, then! First question: Have you ever spied on Jaune while he was hitting the showers?

Jaune: HUH?!

Weiss: Wha- What kind of question is that?! Of course not!

BZZZZZT!

Blake: So it does work.

Yang: HAH! Off to a great start, Ice-Queen.

Weiss: T-That doesn’t mean anything! Never in my life have I-!

BZZZZZT!

Weiss: Fine, I admit it! I accidentally had the displeasure of peeking on Arc ONCE!

BZZZZZT!

Blake: Just once?

Weiss: Okay! I might have run into him a few more times-!

BZZZZZT!

Weiss: A couple more-!

BZZZZZT!

Weiss: A dozen-!

BZZZZZT!

Weiss: Dozens-!

BZZZZZT!

Weiss: I did it close to a hundred times! AT BEST!

BZZZZZT!

Jaune: *shook*

Ruby: Why does it keep getting worse?

Weiss: ALRIGHT, I CONFESS! I PEEP ON HIM EVERY TIME HE’S IN THE SHOWERS!

BZZZZZT!

Pyrrha: You too? Eh-! I mean-! What?!

Weiss: OKAY, YOU GOT ME! I LIKE TO GO THERE WHENEVER HE’S NOT TAKING A SHOWER JUST TO IMAGINE HIM TAKING ONE! BUT ONLY SOMETIMES!

BZZZZZT!

Weiss: AGH, SCREW IT! I DO IT EVERYDAY! IT’S ALL PART OF MY MORNING ROUTINE!

BZZZZZT!

Ren: I think we heard enough-

Weiss: FINE, IT’S ALSO PART OF MY NIGHTTIME ROUTINE!

BZZZZZT!

Yang: Geesh! A picture lasts longer, you know?

Weiss: I WOULD NEVER-!

BZZZZZT!

Weiss: I HAVE 735 PHOTOS KEPT DIGITALLY STORED IN MY-!

BZZZZZT!

Weiss: ALL THE PHOTOS ARE IN FILM AND I PAY A GENEROUS SUM TO VELVET EVERY MONTH SO I CAN REVEAL THE PICTURES IN HER SECRET DARK-ROOM BECAUSE I FIND IT ESTHETICALLY MORE PLEASING! THERE! HAPPY?!

…

Nora: Looks like you’re telling the truth. Good job, Weiss! How do you feel?

*THUD*

Nora: …Alright, who’s next?

[brokentrafficknight]

@cheeseeater2 Here's your answer

[drenosa]

Ruby: Hey Jaune, is having many siblings normal in your family?

Jaune: It kinda is yeah. Hold on I got a picture of my Great-Grandmother's family somewhere. *Looking through his picture gallery on his Scroll* Here you go.

(source)

Ruby: Good grief! So... which one's your great-granny?

Jaune: The baby in her dad's arm.

Ruby: He looks tired.

Jaune: *Remembers how his own father regularly looks* He was. Seems to happen to all men marrying Arc woman.

Ruby: What about women marrying Arc men?

Jaune: Say what?!

Ruby: What? I want babies. ~Yours especially!~

[juanarc-thethird]

It's good to feel desired

At Salem Castle

Salem is standing in front of a full-length mirror checking herself on her usual black dress.

Salem: *Staring at the back of her dress* Has my butt gotten...

She takes the fiber of her dress, lifts it, lifting her butt with it. She lets him go, and everything falls with a bit of a bounce.

Salem: ..bigger?

Jaune: *Crouched staring at Salem's butt* Big? I think it's perfect. God damn~

Salem: *Surprise, she moves away* Who the hell are you?!

Jaune: Me? I'm just a humble man of culture.

Salem: *Confuse* What?!

Jaune: *behind her* And let me tell you, that ass of yours is to be worshiped, Amen~💕

He says as he puts his hands together to pray.

Salem: What the hell?! How do you move so fast?!

Jaune: It's the power of love, beautiful. And sorry if I sound bold, but could you sit on my face for just a moment?

Suddenly the door to Salem's room explodes into a thousand pieces.

Cinder: I found you, you pervert!

Jaune: Shit, I thought I lost her. Well beautiful, see you later. But if you ever need me just give yourself a good spanking…

*SMACK!*

Salem: Oh!~

He spanks an unprepared Salem.

Jaune: And I'll be there~💕

He then winks at her and jumps out the window.

Cinder: *Follows him* Get back here!!

Salem stares at the window for a while and then at her mirror.

Salem: Maybe I should change my style of clothing…

The next day.

Tyrant: My lady, I got you the yoga pants you asked for. But could you tell me why you need them?

With a murderous look she says.

Salem: Do you want to die?

Tyrant: *Scare* I'm sorry my lady! I didn't mean to offend you!

Salem: Good... Now leave me alone.

Tyrant: Yes my queen! *Runs away*

Once the coast is clear, she smiles and warmly hugs her new pants.

Salem: I hope he comes when I try them on~

She says while giggling like a school girl.

-------------- Continuation of the "You called?" Au

[rwby-encrusted-blog]

If Pyrrha was still alive and at Ever After when she saw Jaune as the Rusted Knight, she would also thirst for him like Weiss did, but one key difference.

Pyrrha: I thirst for him whether he is the Rusted Knight or regular Jaune.

She would also be extremely worried, but I will focus on the light hearted part.

Weiss: Mature~

Pyrrha: FUCKING SEXY~

RWBY: Huh?

Jaune: What?

Pyrrha: I mean, I thought you were handsome before but holy fuck~

Jaune: Are- Are you alright?

Pyrrha: I will be After you-

Ruby: OKAY! We are not doing or saying anything lewd-

Pyrrha: I wish we were~ And you're not gonna Stop me~

Weiss: may I join?

Pyrrha: is it just because he's a Daddy now?

Ruby: IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE WE'RE NOT ON THE LWDE BLOG!

Jaune: Yeah, Let's keep things pg-13 at most over here.

Pyrrha: How do we get to the lwde blog?

Ruby: Depends on the ruler of this version of reality.

Blake: ... Are ... Are they making sense to you?

Yang: Not at all.

[notmaplemable]

Context: RWBY and JNPR swap leaders for a week.

Ruby: Pyrrha, do you know know you were saying "do it harder Jaune" in your sleep last night?

Pyrrha: ...Ummm.

Nora: *Whispering to Ren* Should we tell Ruby she does it too?

Ren: No.

[littlelewdmable]

Locker Room

Ruby: W-Why do we have to have co-ed locker rooms?

Weiss: It is a rather odd design choice.

Blake: Do you think you're always going to have privacy in the field?

Yang: No, but it's easier to wash when people aren't-

Jaune: *Walks through naked* Nora, did you steal my towel again?

Nora: It's so fluffy~.

Jaune: Well give it back!

RWBY: ...

Ruby: Maybe it won't be so bad.

Weiss: The design seems to have it's advantages.

Blake: I've seen horse faunus less hung than that.

Yang: Guess I'll be the one doing the staring this time.

[rwac96]

Switched Attributes

Pyrrha and Nora

Nora: "Looks at me..."

*the hammer-wielder admires her new tall, amazon physique in the mirror*

Nora: "I'm tall!" *runs towards the door...and accidentally hits her head* "OW!"

Pyrrha: *blinks* "Nora..."

*the gladiator looks at her reflection, noticing that she is Nora's former height*

Pyrrha: *notices her rear* "How many pancakes do you eat?!"

[craziechwiv]

Dating someone super(human)

Ren: Thank you for coming on short notice.

Yang, about to sit down: What can i say? I was about to nap but when you came to me, I knew I was going to have me some peace and-

Ren: If you dare make a ninja pun, I will tell Blake about how much of a mess you really were when she left for her parents.

Yang immediately shuts her mouth, staring at Ren with a mixed eye color

Yang: Okay, rude. So, why did you need to talk to me about?

Ren: About Ruby and Jaune.

Yang: What about them?

Ren: Well...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a hospital room, the rest of team JNPR are all looking at their leader, Jaune, as he eats some orange Jello without a care in the world. Meanwhile, his pelvis is completely shattered, lord knows how he is still alive or can be able to move his legs. And across from his team, his girlfriend Ruby isn't making eye contact with anyone, wanting to stare at the floor while her face matched her attire to a T.

Nora: Ren...

Ren: Right. Jaune, what happened?

Jaune: I got some Jello.

Ren, slapping his hand towards his face: That's not what I- Ruby.

Ruby: Y-Yeah?

Ren: What happened to Jaune?

Ruby: Uhm...personal training?

Ren: At least you gave me an answer.

Pyrrha: How are you...what's the right word?

Nora: How are you still moving and so happy about this?! I mean, don't get me wrong. When me and Renny do the-

Ren: NORA.

Jaune: My aura! I had it on nearly every time me and Ruby do it because, well I'm not surviving all THAT. For today however? It just so happens that she was....more pent up than usual.

Ruby then melts onto the floor as she heard Jaune's words. Making weeping sounds as well.

Pyrrha: Hm, I see. excuse me for a moment.

Pyrrha walks out of the room, trying to control her aura as everything metallic or magnetic follows her out.

Ren: sigh If she pulls out your life support, thisll be a teaching lesson.

Jaune: What's the teaching lesson for me dying?!

Ren: KNOWING WHEN TO LET 'IT' REST!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Ren finished his story, Yang just looked at him with a petrified look while Ren looked at the imaginary watch on his wrist, thinking he broke Yang.

Yang:

Ren: So...

Yang: She used to watch-

Ren: Yes, yes. She used to be your darling, sweet, innocent, little sister. How about you tell her to try not to kill our leader by snu-snu anymore?

Yang, already crying: It feels like she was racking up her first slug on pee-paw's old shotgun...now she's just racking up white lead!

Ren: God damn it...how are we the future?