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everydayoblivion · 2 years

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The Duwang Gang as Your Friend

A/N: I'm lonely and regularly imagine that the DiU characters are my friends. Here is how I imagine them. For convenience, I just pictured you to be the same age as whatever character I was referring to (16 with Josuke, 20 with Rohan etc.).

Josuke Higashikata

Our #1 best boy. Personally, I don't think he'd be the most openly affectionate, verbally or physically, but he'd still be a great friend.

Always waits outside of your classroom (with Okuyasu) so that you guys can walk home together after school. You didn't even ask him to, but he just showed up there one day as if it were perfectly normal and that has continued to be the routine ever since.

As I said, a great friend even if he isn't super affectionate. Always keeps any plans you guys make together and never cancels last minute (unless there's an actual emergency). Even if he doesn't seem like it, he'd be the type to make sure to remember important things like your birthday, as well as smaller things you mention off-hand like the test coming up in two weeks that's stressing you out.

And despite complaining all the time about how busy and tired he is, he's somehow always available when you need him.

Like the one time you had a bit of a stress-induced breakdown and Josuke called you in the middle of it to ask about a homework problem. You did your best to help him out and keep it under wraps and lied about how you "sounded kinda weird" because you "probably had a cold or something." And then an hour later you got a ring at your door because Josuke just happened to be around and Okuyasu just happened to be with him and they both just happened to have too much of your favorite flavor of ice cream that they needed to get rid of.

Of course, he can also be a bit of a brat. He will constantly ask for help on homework assignments or try to convince you to lend him money (especially if you have a part-time job). He'll ask for you to cover for him if he skips school.

If you're in the same class, he'll always want to partner with you for a group project and then you'll end up doing most of the work.

But he is a super loyal friend! If you can put up with his crazy antics and all the bizarre events that come with him being a Jojo, then that's really all he asks for at the end of the day. In exchange, you get basically undying loyalty (and he will do his best to protect you from other stand users!)

Okuyasu Nijimura

Uhh best boy #2? Okuyasu has his dad to take care of and his dilapidated house, so he's got responsibilities- but he will take every chance he can to hang out with you, especially during school.

As soon as he sees you anywhere, he'll shout your name as loud as he can until you notice him. Good thing is that you don't really have to look for him while you're at school. Bad thing is he does this literally anywhere, whether it's at school or if he just bumps into you around Morioh when you aren't expecting it.

Would definitely be protective and look out for you (but not in a possessive way). Like, if he notices that some guy is making you uncomfortable or someone is bothering you at school, he'll be the first to offer to beat them up (sometimes he doesn't even offer and just does it without asking you lol).

Resembles a puppy in the way he follows you around school (especially when Josuke isn't there). Becomes simultaneously excited and bashful if you compliment him or thank him for something.

Not as perceptive of your emotions as Josuke, but is capable of saying some really profound things when you're going through shit.

Somehow you find yourself venting to him often. Usually he listens without saying much, which is nice in its own way. Sometimes he ends up saying exactly what you needed to hear out of nowhere (and probably didn't even realize it.)

I imagine you guys end up spending a lot of time loitering at Tonio's or Cafe Deux Magots. He's always down to try new food with you, though sometimes you guys are too broke and can only order drinks until you get kicked out.

He seems like a friend who wouldn't expect anything from you, which makes this such a low-pressure friendship. The type of friend you don't expect to get close to, but inevitably do without knowing how it happened.

Koichi Hirose

A reliable guy(tm)

Whereas Josuke and Okuyasu are the friends who usually come to you for help, Koichi is the friend you always go to when you need something.

The first to lend you a pencil if you forgot yours at home. Will let you copy off his homework. If there's something around town you want to check out, he'll come with you even if he doesn't really know what it's about.

Will encourage you to take a day off if you aren't feeling well. Will reassure you that he will give you all the notes for anything that you've missed.

Definitely the voice of reason. If you're more of a chaotic person, he'll be the one to remind you to go to sleep on time, to eat balanced meals, or to not make that impulsive purchase.

Once he overheard that you pulled an all-nighter and texted you paragraphs on the importance of self-care and how "you need to take better care of yourself before you burnt out!" Your classmates saw the barrage of messages and thought it was your mom.

Koichi seems like more of an introvert, so he isn't constantly available like Josuke or Okuyasu (plus, he has to spend one-on-one time with Yukako). However, he's the friend who ends up being your second mom/dad. A friend who is good at comforting, giving advice, and telling you to get your shit together when you need it.

Yukako Yamagishi

She'd honestly be the hardest to get to know. I'm sure the first time you meet her, she'd be cold and aloof just as she is with everyone else. You'd probably assume that she hated you and would try to stay out of her way.

Once she spends more time around you (and trusts that you aren't into Koichi like that), she'd be a lot friendlier.

Like Koichi, she's the type who is responsible and works hard at school. However unlike him, she won't let you get away with relying on her for everything (she'd like to see you try first). But if you genuinely need assistance with something, she would be happy to help! Despite her spartan ways, I think she would be a good tutor- especially since you aren't Koichi.

I think she'd give off older sister vibes. Outside of school stuff, she'd also know a lot about things like hair care, skin care, fashion, makeup, etc. She'd also love to talk about your crushes, but I can't guarantee that she'd be the best person to consult for stuff like that.

Hanging out at her house would be really nice. Her room would probably be super neat and organized, but still comfy and cute- and she seems like the type who'd have like 20 different kinds of tea and snacks that she saves just for guests (which let's be real, is probably just you and Koichi). She also seems like an introvert, so I'm sure you'll end up spending a lot of time hanging out at her house- just talking, reading magazines, and eating snacks and drinking tea in her room.

As we all know, she's quite possessive and I think that extends to close friends. I don't think she'd get too bad, but she'd probably be kind of a bitch to people who she thinks would intrude on your time together; "[Y/n] already said they were coming to my house after school today. Anyway, I'm sure they would much rather hang out with me, since I'm a better friend to them than you, Josuke."

Rohan Kishibe

Probably kind of annoying tbh (but in a fun way).

Shows up at your house without warning. Sometimes he even shows up to your school's campus/workplace and asks around for you, which is incredibly embarrassing.

Usually comes to you with really random requests like, "I need to draw someone scaling a rock cliff for my manga and Koichi is busy, so you'll have to do it. Don't worry, I already forged a note so you're excused from class/work for the rest of day." "Um, what-" "Well, we should hurry so we get to the station on time. Wouldn't want those train tickets I bought for us go to waste."

Would act like an older brother. Not in the responsible, caring way, but in the makes-fun-of-every-little-thing-you-do, eats-all-your-food-without-asking, comes-in-without-knocking kind of way.

You guys have chill moments too though.

Rohan is pretty loaded, so spending time at his super nice house is always great (though you have to catch him on a good day or he won't let you in).

Some of the best times are when he allows you to hang out in his study with him while he's working on his manga. Something about his intense concentration is really relaxing and simultaneously helps you focus, so it ends up being a really productive environment for you to get shit done.

Rohan definitely keeps to his own schedule and can be pretty egocentric, but I think he'd look out for you in small ways that you don't notice. He's the friend you hang out with only when he wants to and it's on his terms, but then it always ends up being a lot of fun.

Bonus: Yoshikage Kira

Could you even call Kira a friend? He was just some guy you worked with who was one of the few men at your workplace that you could actually stand. Mostly because he kept to himself and got all his work in on time.

Kira probably doesn't have a strong desire for friends, but he recognizes that he needs to be seen with at least some people regularly or else he's going to stand out as a loner.

He saw how competent you were at your job and also how well you took care of your hands and decided that you were tolerable to be around.

You guys don't really talk about much other than surface level stuff. When he found out you liked cats, he'd come to you whenever he had questions about cat-related care. You asked if he had a cat. He said, "you could say something like that..." You still have no idea what that means.

Occasionally will ask you to get a drink with him after work or to get lunch with him. It's usually very random and you can never read him, but he always pays for everything so you don't complain. Usually you end up bitching about work and he listens and smiles cryptically.

A good ally to have in the workplace! Will take on some of your work if you can't hand it in on time and can answer most of your work-related questions. Always has extra pens to lend you when your pen runs out of ink. While he doesn't stand out, he is also pretty respected in his workplace (an average amount). Because of that, you are usually left alone by the higher ups and respected by association.

Strictly a workplace friend. He seems to think of you as nothing more than a friendly coworker and you prefer to keep it that way. Once when you were walking around on the weekend, you saw him sitting in the park (by himself). Even though you knew it would be polite to go over and say hello, everything in you was screaming to leave him alone- so you did. To this day you feel that was the right choice.

#jojo's bizarre adventure headcanons #josuke higashitaka headcanons #okuyasu nijimura headcanons #diamond is unbreakable #jjba #jjba headcanons #yukako yamagishi headcanons #jjba part 4 #yoshikage kira headcanons #diu headcanons #rohan kishibe headcanons #jojo's bizarre adventure #josuke higashikata #duwang gang #okuyasu nijimura #koichi hirose #rohan kishibe #yukako yamagishi #yoshikage kira

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altorringtons · 3 years

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*sits down* *puts on thinking cap* so what really makes Alabaster dear to me even though he’s not even in the main canon and only has a measly total of 20-something pages’ worth of screentime is just how resilient he is in a way no boy of his age should be?

when we meet him in Son of Magic, he’s been on the run alone for 6 or 7 months after the Battle of Manhattan. he lost all his siblings at Manhattan, took the risk of pleading for one last charge against Olympus, and is eventually banished for it when Hecate bargains for his life and pledges her loyalty to the gods. the humiliation he must’ve felt when he not only failed the Titans, but even got used as a bargaining chip of all things to secure Olympus’ victory—and this is after he watches the half-siblings he’s supposed to lead and care for all die, by the way. that’s 6-7 months of Alabaster just constantly grieving, then feeling like he doesn’t have the right to grieve, then hating himself for having gotten himself in a spot where he has to grieve in the first place. he’s sixteen years old, lost all his past familial ties, and severed from any future ones.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?? SPEAKING OF MONSTERS??? this boy is not only fresh with emotional exhaustion, HE’S ALSO REALLY PHYSICALLY FUCKING TIRED!!! there’s no telling how many monsters came after a demigod as powerful as Al before Lamia even came into the picture, since he’s now without the protection of CHB’s borders or his allegiance to Kronos. then Lamia chases him for weeks on end after several months of him living and fending for himself alone, and all the while she’s mocking him about his failure to their half-siblings. Lamia is a monster who’s several millennia old and reforms everytime she dies; she doesn’t need rest. in Son of Magic, it’s said that Alabaster hasn’t slept for weeks because he has to constantly shield himself from Lamia’s tracking spells and keep finding ways to permanently kill her—which means he’d already killed her multiple times at that point.

he should be dead on his feet, honestly. but somehow (i love this kid so much i want to cry), when Claymore’s life is threatened, Al somehow ??? still has the stamina to simultaneously cast spells while swordfighting??? WITH A BROADSWORD THAT CLAYMORE DESCRIBES TO LOOK LIKE IT WEIGHED A HUNDRED POUNDS????? AND THEN ON TOP OF THAT, IN THE HEAT OF THE BATTLE, AL MANAGES TO INVENT A SPELL TO PREVENT MONSTERS FROM REFORMING?!!! HELLO?!!!!! WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT HIM?!!!

and yeah i’m not even going to get into the interesting tidbits into Alabaster’s anti-villain, hero complex kind of morality because that deserves a whole other post. i just felt like writing this because he’s so underappreciated, and i love him so much. it’s honestly such a waste that r*ck didn’t make use of this story because he would’ve... just added so much flavor to the main canon??? worldbuilding??? magical lore??? COMPLEX AND GREY MORALITY???

my boy deserves so many more fics and arts. 😭 Newton discovered gravity at 22, but Alabaster C. Torrington did *gestures to entire post* by the time he was sixteen. read Son of Magic and stan Alabaster Torrington.

Edit: if anyone knows how to add the ‘Read More’ function on mobile, please send help i’m so annoyed

#pjo #alabaster c torrington #alabaster torrington #hoo #percy jackson #heroes of olympus #titan army #howard claymore

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asahipleaseloveme · 3 years

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Sucker-Punched

Tsukishima x reader

Warning: reader being cheated on, abusive boyfriend, swearing, slight violence

Word count: 1.3k

Author's note: This idea popped into my head and I didn't think it fit Asahi very well, so I went with the next best thing Tsukki. I tried to keep Tsukishima in character as much as I could. This is my first time writing him, so I'm not sure how good this is (I spent an hour and half working on this instead of sleeping haha). Feedback is always appreciated! Please let me know if there are any warnings I missed!

Rain began pattering against the windshield. It was soft, but the silence in the car made it seem as though it was a downpour. Your best friend, Tsukishima, always had something to say after rescuing you from yet another missed something or other by your boyfriend. But this time was different - you would have to break the silence.

"Tsukki, I-"

"Just stop, ______. I honestly don't want to hear it."

Those words were so cold coming from his mouth and it stung.

"But, Tsukki-"

"No, I don't care to hear whatever piss poor excuse you're going to come up for him. You're obviously not that important to him if he is consistently standing you up to be with other women. I don't know why you continue to do this to yourself. Are you that naive or just stupid? Are you that desperate for attention that you would just let someone walk all over you? Quit being a pushover and grow up."

Oof, that was harsh. You could feel your heart breaking on that one.

"Tsukishima, let me out."

"What, are you crazy? It's raining, I'm not letting you out. We're almost back to my place anyway."

"I said let me out. If I’m so stupid and need to grow up, then why do you hang out with me? I’m too stupid and childish to be seen with Tsukishima. Please, let me out."

You try to say this in your strongest voice. You don't want to let Tsukishima know how much he's hurt you.

"Agh, fine!" He growls. He pulls up to the next stoplight and you start to get out. "But don't call me when he won't come pick you up!"

You slam the door and walk the opposite way of where Tsukki is driving. The rain has started to fall a little harder now and it doesn't look like it's going to let up. You find yourself walking to your favorite park and sitting on one of the benches. You decide to call your boyfriend and find out what's going on. Usually, he doesn't answer your phone calls when he stands you up, but to your shock he actually answers.

"Ugh, can't this wait ______? I'm in the middle of something."

"No, actually it can't wait. Why am I not good enough for you? Why do you always stand me up to go sleep with some other girl? You won't even touch me, but you don't seem to have a problem sleeping with a different girl every week."

"Baby, I don't know why you're acting like-"

"I don't know how many times I've told you I don't like being called baby! You would think that if someone cared about you they would respect your basic wants and needs. Listen, Tadao. We're done. I don't want to see you anymore. You can go sleep with all of the women and not have to worry about this extra baggage you have following you around. Not that you really cared before."

You were getting angrier and angrier the more you talked to him. If you talked too much longer, you knew you would break down. "______, where are you? Let's talk this out." "No. Goodbye, Tadao. Please don't contact me again.”

You hung up and started bawling. You realize you have simultaneously lost your boyfriend and best friend all in the span of 20 minutes. In a way, you felt more relief over the loss of your boyfriend. It was the loss of your best friend that was putting the most strain on your heart.

You weren't sure how long you were there crying on that bench when you noticed a tall figure coming toward you. Who would be out in this weather, you thought. As the figure got closer, you realized it was Tsukishima. Your heart beat began pounding in your chest. He approached with his hands in his pockets and nonchalantly sat down next to you in the pouring rain. It was a minute before either of you said anything.

"Tsukki-" "______-" you both say at the same time. He lets you go first.

"Tsukki, you were right. Tadao is an asshole and I was just deliriously hoping he actually cared for me. But it's obvious he doesn't. I..I broke up with him. I'm sorry for getting angry at you before. I was being childish and didn’t want to actually own up to my foolishness. I just...." your sentence was broken by an unexpected kiss from Tsukishima. At first you were taken by surprise, but then you kissed him back.

"No, ____, I'm sorry. I realize that I can be extremely blunt. I'm just so tired of seeing you get toyed with and played. You deserve to be treated right. I've been silent about this for too long and today was just the last straw. Please, let's go back to my place. We'll get dried up, order some take-out, and watch your favorite movie."

You were happy and confused at the same time. You didn't think Tsukishima cared that much for you. But looking back, you realize that he has been more like a boyfriend to you. "I'd like that, Tsukki,” you say with a smile.

You arrive at Tsukki's place and he lets you shower and dry off first. He gives you some of his clothes. They look comical on you. He soaks up this image; it's one he could get used to. He can't help but laugh. It's so sincere that you start to laugh, too.

You find yourself snuggled up under his arm watching a movie when there's a knock at the door. Panic hits you as you think you know who it is.

"Tsukki, what if it's Tadao?"

Tadao knew Tsukishima was your best friend and you always ran to him after any discrepancies the two of you had. "Just go wait in the bedroom. I'll take care of this." You stare at him with wide eyes, but you do as he says. You stay close to the door in order to hear what's going on. The door creaks open and you hear the all too familiar voice of your now ex-boyfriend.

"Tsukishomi, is _____ here? She won't answer my calls." Tsukihsima cannot wait to tell him off. It’s like he’s been waiting for the moment for so long. "Tadao, why do you even care? You've never treated her right. Just leave and don't bother calling her again." "Bro, I know she has to be here. She's not at her place. Let me in so I can talk with her." "She's not here, man. And even if she was, what makes you think I'd let you in and talk with her?Just go back to your flavor of the week and worry about them. _____'s not going to worry about you anymore."

You hear a thud and a groan comes from Tsukki. You can only assume that Tadao punched him.

"Whatever man. She's a bitch and you're a bitch. You're perfect for each other."

At that, Tsukki closed the door and you came running from his room. "Tsukki, what happened?!" It looks like Tadao sucker-punched him in the jaw. "Oh, Kei! I'm so sorry, this is all my fault!"

You rushed to the freezer to find something cold to put on his face. You brought him over to the couch and laid his head in your lap and placed the ice pack on his jaw. "I'm so, so sorry. I never meant for this to happen." Tears start welling up in your eyes. You never wanted to hurt Tsukishima.

"If getting punched in the jaw means I get to lay here with you like this, I would gladly get punched every day for the rest of my life," he smirked.

You smile and realize that Tsukishima can sometimes be a smart ass, but at least he will be your smart ass.

#tsukishima x reader #tsukishima kei x reader #tsukishima #tw abusive language #tw cheating #tw violence #please let me know what you think!

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stellar-starseed · 3 years

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Closer Than That

Group: Stray Kids

Pairing: Changbin x fem!reader, Jisung x fem!reader, polyamory

Word Count: 2,979

Summary: Your best friends happen to be 3racha, but Changbin was your closest friend from childhood. When things start to take a different turn in your relationship, you're left wondering which way is up.

Chapter: 4/?

Other Chapters: Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4

Warnings: 18+; sexual content, language

Note: this is cross posted on ao3

Chapter 4

You weren’t sure whether or not you should be jumping at the chance to date your best friend. When you were younger you did used to hope it would be you two in the end. Life happened and crushed that thought altogether.

Soon enough you had to grow up and the idea of dating Changbin couldn’t stand up to your grueling adult life. You put it at the back of your mind along with dating in general.

That was until Jisung Han, with all his charm, waltzed in to your life. The first time he saw you he was hitting on you and it took you by surprise. He was generally outgoing you later realized but you had held on to a crush from that day. Changbin didn’t seem to notice, but every chance he got he was dissing Jisung in front of you.

You felt pretty selfish for wanting them both. But in all honesty you really did. Individually they were both incredible guys really, but you couldn’t decide if your life depended on it who you would see yourself with. Each time you made a decision you felt it was wrong. You cared for both of them deeply.

“What am I thinking?” You groan.

You had ignored Changbin’s attempts to hang out for a few days. You did feel kind of bad about it, but each time you did you remembered that hairstylist and the trainee and the barista. Your jaw clenched and you had to pull yourself from your anger.

You woke up one morning to your phone’s text message chime. Trying to reach for your phone, you swipe it to the floor.

“Damnit.” You groan as you push yourself up onto your elbows. You were not ready for the day. You stared at your phone that was too far to reach with a disapproving look.

“Is it even that important?” You lower yourself back into a comfortable position when your phone chimes two more times. “Seriously?”

You kick your covers off and head to the bathroom to wake up a bit. When you check your phone you have a missed call and several text messages. You had a rule that real emergencies allow for multiple calls but only real emergencies, so you put your phone down to take a shower before opening the messages. You had a feeling they weren’t going to put you in a good mood.

Your phone started ringing and you shut your eyes as the water hit your face. Nope. Not now.

“Answer your damn phone!” You couldn’t quite make out what was said but you shut off the water immediately.

“The fuck, bruh?” Chan opened the bathroom door.

“Uhm.” You peak your head out of the shower. “The fuck is right!”

“Why am I dealing with Jisung and now Changbin’s whining? They’re moping and fighting. And Changbin’s pissed at me? Me!”

“Towel?”

“Why don’t you just step out?” Chan smirked at you and leaned his elbow against the towel rack.

“Very funny. I can’t reach it from here.” You reach out your arm.

“Yeah, it’s a shame...” he giggled. You were upset with yourself for finding that cute.

“Okay, don’t hand me the towel. We can do this here. What are you here for?”

“I can’t take their bitching.” He shrugs.

“So, in dramatic Chanie fashion you blow up my phone and storm in here while I’m showering?”

“Well, I didn’t blow up your phone for the record, but yes.” He shrugs. You let out a loud sigh causing him to chuckle again he leans over and grabs your towel. He playfully starts to head out of the room when he sees the look on your face.

“Kidding.” He laughs, handing it to you. He walks out of the bathroom and closes the door behind him. “Also they’re fighting pretty bad. They’ve been getting into wrestling matches that Jeongin is definitely tired of splitting up.”

When you finish getting dressed, you find Chan on the couch with a bowl in hand. You laugh to yourself as he stuffs his face.

“I’m starving.” He shrugs. You roll your eyes and take a seat next to him. He offers you a bite which you gladly take because whatever he has concocted smelled delicious.

“You can make gold from nothing can’t you?”

“Thank you!” He says with a mouth full of food. “No one else agrees.”

You hear a knock at the door and your certain Changbin has come to mope, but Hyunjin stood there with a bag of food.

“Considering the state of these boys I thought you might want to talk.” He says pushing his way past you.

“Hyunjin-ah! I love you.” You wrap your arms around him from behind. “Can you kick Chanie out for me?”

“I heard that!” He called from the front room. You smile back at him and watch Hyunjin unpack the food he brought.

“So, you broke Jisung’s heart. What else is new?”

“I did no such thing!” You gasp. “Does Minho hate me too?” Your tone is softer and a bit defeated.

“Of course not. I mean he’ll probably give you shit, but when doesn’t he?” You nod and take the bowl of food Hyunjin prepared for you to the couch.

“So, how bad is it really?” You lift your head, pushing the food around in your bowl.

“Eat.” Hyunjin ordered.

“Yes ma’am.” You take a bite looking from Hyunjin to Chan wondering when you listened to any of them.

“Well Jisung is convinced that Changbin is sleeping with you just to claim that he got to you first.”

“Excuse me,” Chan chimes in, “I got to you first!”

You look at Hyunjin and feign gagging, causing Hyunjin to laugh with you.

“Joke all you want. We kissed on New Years the first year we met.” Chan crossed his arms over his chest in triumph.

“Does that count as getting to her first?” Hyunjin questioned crossing one leg over the other.

“Hell yeah it does.” Chan started off strong but then he saw your look and immediately toned it down. “I mean if we’re arguing about that sort of childish shit.”

Hyunjin laughed at the two of you. “I remember that.”

“Huh?” You and Chan say simultaneously.

“Jeongin found you two on the terrace that night.” Hyunjin says dramatically and his shoulders shake with laughter.

“Jisung knows doesn’t he?” Your mind momentarily plays the last day you saw Jisung before his attitude change. The day at your apartment where he told you explicitly he doesn’t think you’re a slut. You brush it from your mind. Jisung was definitely acting the opposite right now.

“Ya, I don’t know why you can’t pick one person!” Hyunjin pulls you from your thoughts with his laugh. “There’s always a new flavor of the week with you.”

“That’s true.” You add giggling. Chan pouted at you both. Chan set his bowl on the table in front of him and flopped back on the couch. Slumping over, he laid his head on your shoulder.

After your meal Hyunjin decided to drag Chan back to the dorms. It took some effort to get Chan to leave, but eventually you were left alone again.

You grab your phone and notice the text messages. After taking a deep breath you start looking through them.

09-563:

You can win a gift card! Click the link below.

Scroll

Mom:

You better be taking care of yourself

Scroll

Sammy:

Love you ;) Come see me when you get a chance!

Scroll

Binnie:

07:34 Ya! Haven’t I been punished enough?

You open his messages and scroll to the first message he sent last night.

Binnie:

19:45 I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that shit to Chan. It just felt right to call you my girl...

20:08 I also wanted to piss Chan off and I’m sorry...

20:08 Is this that serious?

23:59 Please don’t ghost me.

23:59 Please stop ghosting me*

02:27 I’m not sure if you’re reading these and not opening them,

but I don’t want to lose you over something stupid.

07:03 Haven’t slept because of this. Will you please just talk to me?

07:28 I’m sorry.

You sighed and backed out of his messages. You weren’t even sure what to say to him. You felt like shit for kicking him out and not speaking to him, but he honestly needs to stop making decisions without consulting you. You noticed you had a text from Jisung.

Jisung

09:49 Hey...

09:50 Can we talk?

Your heart skipped a beat. Who to text first? You start with Jisung and send a simple yes. You send a message to Changbin that turns out to be pretty lengthy. You let him know it’s not fair that he gets to flirt around and then claim you as his a second later.

Jisung responded immediately asking if you could meet at the usual coffee shop down the street from the studio. You were nearly through the roof. You jumped up and got dressed. It was only when you were heading out the door that you suddenly thought of all the ways this could go wrong.

Changbin paced the dorm, glancing at his phone every so often. He promised himself that he wouldn’t text anymore. He had said all he needed to say and anymore would just be pathetic, he told himself.

“Can you do that somewhere else?” Seungmin asked as he watched Changbin pace.

“He’s heart broken.” Felix appears from seemingly out of nowhere. “He refused my hug.” He slightly pouts. Seungmin shook his head.

Changbin suddenly sat on the couch and threw himself into a laying position, he was so frustrated he didn’t know what to do with himself.

“Much better.” Seungmin nods with a smile.

“He’s still sad.” Felix pouts.

“He needs alone time.” Seungmin nods waving Felix along.

Changbin ran his hands through his hair and thought about the fact that he laid his feelings out on the table. He told you and the guys that he wanted more when he said you were his. Your reaction was less than ideal. He was deflated. Then again, he thought, you may have just been upset to be out of the loop.

Changbin sat up. He decided he shouldn’t give you anymore space, he needed to go over there.

“Did you really ask that?” Hyunjin asked. “Never mind I’m sure you did.”

“I feel good about it.” Chan smiles.

“She’s not going to take you up on that. She’s in love I hope you know.” Hyunjin says matter-of-factly. “Oh.”

“Speaking of...” Chan says looking from Changbin to Hyunjin with a knowing look. Hyunjin nods.

“I wouldn’t mess with him.” Jeongin warns as he passes through, eating kimbap.

“Still?” Chan sighs.

“At your own risk.” Seungmin shrugs.

Changbin ignores the conversation and pushes past Seungmin. He pulls on his hat, shrugs into a jacket, and grabs his keys before slipping into his shoes. Changbin is more nervous than he expected heading to see you. It wasn’t normal for him to be nervous around you or about you, but he found these small moments popping up lately.

“Did you know he was in love?” Chan asked Seungmin when he heard the door close.

“It was only obvious. They’re both obvious, and they’re both dumb.” Seungmin says causing Hyunjin to laugh and high five him.

“But I thought she liked Jisung?” Felix pops his head out of the kitchen to join the drama. The guys got silent momentarily and Seungmin looked towards the far couch where Minho sat watching videos on his iPad. Minho chuckled to himself and cooed at the screen.

“Cute!” He said to himself. “What?” Minho whined when everyone sat around him. Chan snatched the iPad.

“Aw, cute!”

“See. Give it-“ he whined again. Chan shook his head and turned it off.

“You know more about this love triangle than the rest of us.” Felix said pulling the couch throw over his shoulders.

“Yeah, and I think she’s in love with Changbinnie.” Hyunjin affirms confidently.

“What if she’s in love with them both?” Minho grabs for his iPad. When Chan holds it out of reach, Minho starts to pout. “Why am I an expert?”

Changbin was just starting the engine when his phone chimed. He rushed to grab it seeing a message from you. His heart skipped a beat. Changbin quickly opened it and his heart fell a bit. He was a little sad to see you were still upset with him.

He had a natural flirtatious nature, but he will admit that he wanted to make you jealous. Changbin picked his moments carefully, he wanted you to see him as irresistible and it backfired. Never did he think you would think he was playing games. He though he was innocently attracting your attention.

Changbin sat in his car for a moment, unable to come up with a response. He still wanted to see you in person. He was determined to fix this. He typed and deleted his text message to you for the sixth time and tossed his phone in the passengers seat. He put the car in to gear and decided to work up his confidence on the drive over.

When he pulled up to your apartment it still took Changbin some time to get out of the car. His attempts at boosting his confidence fell short. He tapped the steering wheel and sighed to himself a few times before he seemingly forced himself to get out.

Changbin wasn’t quite sure what to say when he got there. You hadn’t ever really been mad at him before, not truly. Deep down he knew this wasn’t something that would last forever, but at the moment it sure felt like it and he didn’t want to be without you again.

Jisung tried to stay mad at both of you. He wanted to be mad at Changbin for stealing you from him, but he knew that wasn’t true. He wanted to be mad at you for leading him on but he knew that too wasn’t true.

Jisung wasn’t sure why he was so angry. He should be happy if your happy, but this situation left him feeling left out and unworthy. Not to mention the fact that he beat himself up for never telling you how he felt before this.

Though it had been weeks since he had last seen or spoken to you, he tried to convince himself that he didn’t want to see or speak to you. Jisung eventually started bringing you up without realizing it in conversation. Anytime Changbin would mention it, Jisung would blow up. It took far too long, but Jisung came to the realization that he was being entirely too immature and he truly missed being around you.

You straightened yourself out for the third time and finally entered the coffee shop. You’re so nervous at this point you almost turn around. You suddenly spot Jisung looking directly back at you. It almost startled you, but you moved towards him trying to compose yourself as if this hadn’t been so hard on you.

When you near the table, Jisung stood and walked around to greet you. His voice was soft and he gently leaned in. It was much more awkward than normal, but you were glad to be around him again. His arms wrapped around you gently at first, then he tightened his grip. Your certain he whispers I missed you, but it’s so faint you argue with yourself over it being real.

“Hey.” He says when you both sit down. “I ordered you a matcha latte, I hope that’s okay. I know you said you liked their matcha last time we came, so...”

“Of course it’s fine.” You flash him an appreciative smile. He did know you so well. Jisung had a way of remembering the details. You shift the napkins on the table nervously, not sure what to do with your hands or where to look.

“Hey,” he starts and looks away when your eyes meet. He takes a deep breath and starts again. “So, I just need to tell you I’m sorry.”

He looks in your eyes and you feel that nervous excited feeling rise in your stomach. He fidgets a bit in his seat and you want to comfort him, but you don’t know where to start. He hurt you, and it’s hard to know how to tip toe around his feelings when you aren’t sure what they are.

“It’s okay, Jisungie.” You look down at your hands. “I’m sorry, too.”

“No,” he sits up in his seat, as his hand falls over yours. He seemed to be gaining confidence. “Please, don’t be. You have nothing to be sorry for...” he sighs at himself. It takes him a moment to speak again as he gathers his thoughts.

“I’ve liked you for a long time. As long as I can remember knowing you, really.” Jisung was significantly more calm confessing these feelings to you than he had anticipated. It felt natural. Maybe it only felt that way because he had rehearsed it in his head so many times before this.

You suddenly felt your heart rate picking up. It was nervousness and excitement all rolled in to one and you weren’t quite sure what to do with yourself.

“Do you have feelings for him?” He questioned and after a momentary silence, “be honest.” He added.

You looked him in the eyes and nodded. You didn’t want to say it. You didn’t want to confirm it. But looking in to his eyes you knew you couldn’t lie.

“So, where do we go from here?” He questioned. His eyes caught yours and you felt a bit nervous . His big brown eyes were sincere and you didn’t want to say the wrong thing. You didn’t want to be without him again.

——————————————————————————

Hey, lovely! I hope you enjoyed this. Thanks so much for stopping by💞

(These chapters are so long >.<. )

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sergeanttpoliteness · 4 years

Note

are requests open 🥺 apparantly in the 20s it was slang to call someone's bf daddy, given that can we get a reader who's from another dimension getting all blushy when noir mentions it given the context of it now?

hello, nonnie! so sorry it took me almost a week to get to this! thank you for the request, love :) you have no idea how much writing that sentence made me squirm from embarrassment

——-

➹jealousy➹(spider-noir x reader)

Peter isn’t one to get jealous, or at least that’s what he tries to tell himself. He doesn’t mind your ex who doesn’t seem to get ‘no’ for an answer. It’s the truth, he swears… right?

word count: 2.5k

a/n: this isn’t sponsored by starburst ™, lmao. anyway, y’all really like spider-noir, huh. i kinda played myself when i included both peter’s in this, ahaa, i tried my best to make it as least confusing as possible. i’m sorry, ily.

warnings: annoying ex, mild jealousy (i mean, it’s the title lol)

——-

You slowly drew the blinds of the window, and in spite of your speculations which you were nearly a hundred percent confident in, your eyes grew bigger as soon as you got a glimpse of the scene unfolding outside of Aunt May’s house. Shortly after, Miles and Peter B. Parker (you had to admit, the amount of Peter’s in your life truly scrambled your brain sometimes) joined you, and the three of you squeezed close together, attempting to look through the small slit without attracting much attention.

You had the urge to take your phone out of your pocket and start recording a video to send all your friends, for this was a spectacle that you weren’t sure you’d ever have the pleasure of witnessing ever again in your lifetime: a drunk man standing in the front yard, passionately belting out the lyrics of a song to the closed door of the house. “Did he, like, get the wrong house?” Miles muttered, his heart thumping fast as the young man noticed all three of you and pointed directly at you.

“Please! Don’t leave me!” He cried out.

You took one last look at him before you retreated from the window, pinching the bridge of your nose. “No. That’s my ex.” You sighed, questioning why you ever were attracted to the boy as his tragic performance continued. Peter B. laughed and you closed your eyes, ashamed.

“That’s your ex?! The ex?” Yes, this was, in fact, not the first time they heard about your ex-boyfriend. The number of stories you had was inevitable since the train wreck of a relationship lasted two years, after all. Whilst he now went on to voice the instruments of the song, worry began to seep within everyone when you all simultaneously came upon the realization that somehow the jerk had discovered where you were staying during the weekend. Although you’d been like a daughter to May since you were a kid, you were aware she would not be content with you once she returned from her trip and heard that you failed in your basic task of taking care of her home and her address now belonged as part of a stalker’s knowledge.

Peter B. glanced at you, frowning. “You want me to go and talk to him?”

You appreciated his offer, and your inner voice urged you to cave into the most effortless way out of the situation; however, your eyes moved to the hallway, and another concern, more potent and persuasive, drowned it out. “Thanks, dude, but don’t worry, I’ve got it,” You smiled at him, albeit you weren’t entirely certain about that statement. “Just… you guys go and distract Peter and make sure he doesn’t find out my ex is here, or else…”

Eight months. From December up till August, you’d known the third Peter Parker in your life for eight months. In the fourth month, April, you recognized your true intentions and feelings. In the fifth month, you finally acted upon them, and made the first move. At last, June, the sixth month, rolled in, and Peter built up the courage to make things official. All those months possessed two constant factors: your ever-growing connection and… your ex.

One of the many characteristics you were thankful for and adored in Peter was his control over his jealousy. No fingerprints of possessiveness nor suffocating authority smeared your relationship, regardless of your distance, Peter’s background, the exasperating cameos of your ex-boyfriend, or that you’d expressed to him you didn’t want anyone other than the “spider-gang” (as Peter B. had named it) to know about you two being together since— well, how in the world were you supposed to explain where he came from?

You felt irrational and absurd once the thought passed through your head, but sometimes you wondered if Peter worried too little. The origin of said thought could be traced back to when you weren’t quite dating yet, and your ex booty-called you in the midst of your first date. Peter’s amused expression at your own embarrassed one puzzled you, yet you chose not to think much about it and instead were glad it didn’t send the evening down the wrong trail. The thought reappeared a second instant one month into your relationship, though, after you showed him a large bouquet of flowers, a poem attached to it that could be offensive to those who practiced the art and with your ex’s handwriting. Again, nothing; later, you two found yourselves mocking the failed poetry and the odd comparison of your adorableness to that of E.T.’s (you really had no explanation for that one).

However, the suspicion that perhaps he was too good at hiding his feelings arose when a week earlier, you got a phone call from your ex begging you to escape with him to Iceland. That was the first time you saw it: the hint of irritation in Peter’s stiff body and tense jaw. Minutes later, you blocked the phone number— an action way too long overdue, before things became strained.

You closed the front door behind you and approached the drunk man, resolute on preventing the two men from meeting each other and getting under each other’s skin as you clenched your fists closed. “I forgot to say out loud, how beautiful you really are to me!” Your ex sang, a smirk breaking out on his face when he saw your clear annoyance. “I can’t be without! You’re my perfect little punching bag—”

“Matt, what the hell are you doing?”

He quirked a brow, giving you a once-over. “Serenading you?” Matt said as if it were obvious. You rolled your eyes and scowled at him, keeping a significant distance between the two of you.

“No, I mean, how did you find me?”

“I followed you.”

Fear and disgust crawled all over your skin. You took a step back, narrowing your eyes. “Listen, I really don’t want to get in trouble, okay? So for the last time, please stop calling me—”

“But this isn’t a phone call.”

“Or following me.” You finished. He stumbled forward, shaking his head vigorously.

“But I love you,” He sniffed, wiping the one mediocre tear making its way down his cheek. You could feel a groan forming in your throat from his idiocy and child-like attitude; you couldn’t believe he was fucking crying.

You crossed your arms across your chest, unimpressed. “Well, I don’t.” His shift from sadness to anger caught you off guard.

“Bullshit, I know you still love me. I know you miss me,” Matt pointed an accusing finger at you, advancing closer. “Stop playing hard to get and let’s just, l-let’s just go back to normal—”

You laughed in disbelief, your mouth ajar. “Playing hard to get? How is this playing hard to get?!”

Meanwhile, Miles and Peter B. stood in front of Peter, blocking him from leaving the hallway as he remained in between the two and the bathroom door. “So, whatcha think?” Miles asked him, ogling the man. Peter bit again the yellow Starburst and chewed for a while, eyes squinted while he analyzed the flavor. He swallowed and looked down at the wrapper in the palm of his hand, nodding.

“I like it. I think it may be my favorite.”

“What? No way, try the pink flavor again,” Miles took out a pink squared candy from the bag and held it up to Peter’s face. “It’s the best.”

Peter B. shook his head in disagreement and stared down at Miles, scrunching his brows together. “What do you mean? Red is the best.” Miles, now distracted, dropped his arm by his side and showed him a face of utter disgust.

“Do your taste buds even work? Everyone I know says pink is best.”

“Do your dimension’s taste buds work? You’re totally wrong, bud.”

Peter pocketed the wrapper, shrugging. “Personally, I enjoyed all of them—”

“Try red.”

“No, pink.”

Peter B. groaned. “Pink is overrated.” Miles looked at him straight in the eye, expressionless.

“Your opinion is irrelevant.”

Peter B. Parker had never felt more hurt by a teenager.

“I’m the oldest one here! I think I know better.”

Peter was growing impatient. He cleared his throat and gently moved Miles aside. “All right, while you fellas discuss… this, I’m gonna go—”

“No!” Miles placed the pink Starburst in Peter’s hand, frantic. “Eat the pink one.”

“Eat them all!” Peter B. chuckled nervously, shrugging with his hands raised, palms facing upwards. Miles nodded as if it were the best idea of the century.

“Yeah, I don’t want them anymore, here—” He slammed the bag of candy onto Peter’s chest. Peter hesitantly took ahold of it, visibly perplexed. He opened his mouth to question their strange behavior and if they thought he had been born yesterday, until a distant singing voice interrupted him.

“And I need you! I’m sorry, Y/N, I’m sorry! I love you, fuck!”

“What’s that?”

‘The neighbors’, ‘The TV’, Peter B. and Miles said at the same time.

This plan was doomed from the beginning.

“Da da da da! Da da da da!”

Peter took off his glasses, guarding them inside his pocket and his brows knitted together before he pushed the two aside and took off, putting on his mask.

“Quiet down!” You hissed at Matt, glancing back at May’s house. His hands landed on your shoulders, but you immediately pushed him off you. “Fuck off, Matt! We’ve been broken up for seven months already! I moved on, and so should you!” He cocked his head to the side, his face twisted in confusion as if you’d just spoken in a foreign language.

“Broken up?” He repeated your words, voice small. “It was just a break.”

It was your turn to be confused. “What? …No. It’s over. It was over a long time ago.”

His face fell as a realization dawned upon him and his gaze burned into yours, emotionless, making you more uncomfortable. “You’re seeing someone else, aren’t you?”

Your heartbeat sped up. “No, I said I moved on, not that I was seeing someone else—”

“You’re cheating on me?”

You took in a deep breath, close to tipping to the edge. “Again, we’re broken up.” You reiterated harshly. “As in we’re not a relationship anymore.” But Matt’s dense self wouldn’t give up just yet.

“It was just a break.”

You’ve had it.

“It’s not a fucking break!” You shouted, making him jump. You heard the front door open and you both whipped around, your heart dropping. As soon as your sight landed on Peter going down the stairs, you gulped. Peter B. and Miles’ plan wasn’t the only one that failed that night.

“What’s going on here?” Peter’s voice was hard, bitter. You speed-walked closer to him before he could reach Matt.

“Peter—” You stopped him in his tracks, your hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’ll get him out of here, okay? I got it.” No, you didn’t, most definitely not. And you could tell he knew.

He looked at Matt, and although his face remained covered, chills ran down the latter’s spine. “Are you Matt?” Peter asked loudly. Matt narrowed his eyes, puffing out his chest.

“Who are you?” He nodded at Peter, trying to sound intimidating, but the other didn’t move a muscle.

“I asked you a question.”

Matt studied Peter’s dark outfit, wondering if he was so drunk he was imagining the man. “Y-Yeah, that’s me. I’m Matt.”

“All right. Look at me, Matt.” Matt did as he said. “Good. Now, listen very closely.”

“What are you doing?” You whisper-screamed at Peter, giving him a warning with your eyes. “I said I got this.”

Peter stared at you, considering letting you handle it by yourself as you wished. But the flare, the ire at your ex had been fortifying, expanding slowly since the beginning; and now that he was there, just a few feet away— a drunken moron who relentlessly peeved you and riled him up— ultimately, impatience engulfed him and he shook his head. “You clearly don’t.”

Once Peter reached Matt, he towered over him. Matt blinked up at him, feeling smaller than ever. “Y/N’s with me now. If I hear from you one more darn time, then the coppers will be the least of your worries. Trust me. Got it?” Peter said lowly, and Matt solely nodded. “Got it?” He repeated through clenched teeth.

Matt put his hands in the air in defeat, backing away. “Heard you, man. Fuckin’ weirdo.” He muttered before he turned around and sat down on the sidewalk. You grabbed Peter’s hand and dragged him back inside, where Peter B. and Miles sat on the couch and flashed you apologetic smiles after you barged in.

“Sorry. I’ll call a cab for him,” Peter said behind you. You waved your hand at him, shrugging and mumbling ‘it’s okay’.

“Is it over?” Miles asked, trying to look out the window from the sofa. You nodded. “Okay, can we finally go over the plan—”

Peter took off his mask, disheveling his dark hair. “Why did you try to keep this from me?” You turned around and rubbed your face, slightly frustrated.

“Because I didn’t want what just happened to happen.”

“What? Me telling him to scram off since you wouldn’t?”

“Peter, I told you: I don’t want anyone to know about this.” You gestured between you two. You’d had this conversation before, and he understood your reasoning. He truly did. His appearance, it screamed at the top of its lungs the truth that he did not belong there. It simply was obvious, unmistakable. However, now that he’d curbed the restraint he’d created for himself once, his authentic feelings and mouth were loose, completely out of his control.

“He wasn’t going to stop bugging you!” He pointed out the window. “What if he did something worse in the future?”

“But now he’s gonna tell other people that I’m seeing someone!”

“And so what?”

You laughed, your brows furrowed. “They’re gonna want to meet you! What am I gonna do, then? ‘Ah, yes, meet my boyfriend from the 1930s!’”

Again, you noticed that irritation in his features. But all of a sudden, it was clear that it was more than just annoyance.

Jealousy. He was jealous.

“All right, then! I want other people to know who your real daddy is!” He exclaimed, his eyebrows lifted and his hands on his waist.

You heard Peter B. and Miles explode, both shouting ‘whoa!’ while you sputtered and sensed your cheeks blazing.

“Yo, gross! Keep it in the bedroom!”

“We have a minor in here, please!”

Peter’s sight jumped between the three of you, his expression the definition of puzzlement as you covered your face with your hands and Peter B. and Miles continued feeding your embarrassment with their comments. “W-what? What did I say?” He stuttered, looking at you helplessly.

You peeked one eye up at him, laughing. “Pete, baby…”

Needless to say, after you updated Peter on slang, his flushed self couldn’t quite concentrate as Miles went over the plan.

#spider noir x reader #spider man noir x reader #spider noir x you #spider noir imagine #spider noir one shot #spider noir fan fic #fan fiction #spider man #peter parker #spider noir x y/n #fem! reader #male!reader #gender neutral #spider man: into the spider verse #sm: itsv #itsv fan fic #marvel

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edgewaterfarmcsa · 3 years

Text

CSA WEEK 10

P I C K L I S T

KALE - CHERRY TOMATOES - PLUM TOMATO - MELON - LEMONGRASS - THAI BASIL -

JALAPENOS - SCALLIONS - HAKURAI TURNIPS OR DAIKON RADISH -

BELL PEPPER - LEMON CUKE - SLICING CUKE - ZINNIAS!!!!

The New England growing season is terribly short (June-October). We break up this tiny passage of time into short bursts we call seasons: strawberry season (5ish weeks), blueberry season (3ish weeks), melon season (JUST GETTING STARTED WOOT WOOT!!), etc… These fruit bursts force you to show up and give all you got because the harvest is so fleeting and nothing during any other time of year compares to the season that you are currently in. As we combine melon season with the entrance of tomato season, we simultaneously welcome in the real muscle season: canning season. August is this wild month where everything (all the crops) catch up and suddenly you are hit with this pain in your gut that SUMMER IS SHORT and SUMMER IS ALMOST OVER and holy shit, it's time to savor every bit of it and figure out ways to bottle up the sun. So, I turn to processing veg (can/pickle/ferment/freeze) as a coping mechanism to battle the inevitable change to Fall. Also, canning is pretty fun and deeply satisfying and mostly delicious (however there is the occasional science fair experiment gone wrong). From here on out, with every CSA that comes and goes, I will try my best to provide one item in bulk(ish) that will beg you to be processed, so you too, can take summer with you into the cold dark months ahead (i hate winter).

But before we go into pro-tips and how exactly you are going to deal with all those jalapenos- I need to tell y'all about this extremely productive and joyful experience that occurred weekly alongside the CSA Summer Harvest: enter, Kayleigh season. Kayleigh worked at the farm years prior, but we never connected- she was slingin veg at the farmstand, and I was picking veg in the field. This year she approached us looking to get back to Edgewater and low and behold, I needed help. AND-SHE-SHOWED-UP. Yall, Kayleigh season lasted for 9 whole weeks and I am GRATEFUL for every single one. Working alongside Kayleigh is actual magic. Her work ethic is insane, her jokes slap, and while paying attention to every detail of every task, she is constantly looking ahead, reading my mind, and lightening the load. On top of all this, she glows and our convos flowed. My best connections and life changing conversations always happen during a full day outside- sunrise to sun up- in a field, during a harvest with someone great. She is someone great. Kayleigh season ends today. Next week she begins Nursing school and I’m so excited for her… (to take care of me when I'm in need of medical care jkjkjk).

All that said, so long Kayleigh season- a damn good season- all too fleeting, powerful, and so full of joy.

PRO TIPS:

This recipe is recommended by my dear friend Sam who is a master jalapeno pickler… He gives the following suggestions:

I would use less sugar

Also you can put the sliced jalapenos in the jar and just pour hot pickling liquid over it.

YIELD: 1 PINT SIZED JAR The BEST recipe for easy homemade pickled jalapenos from scratch! Fresh jalapeños pickled and jarred.

15 to 20 large jalapeños, sliced, stems discarded 2 garlic cloves, smashed and peeled

1 cup distilled white vinegar 1 cup filtered water

4 tablespoons sugar (optional as it is for flavoring) 2 tablespoons kosher salt

In a medium sauce pan combine the garlic, water, vinegar, sugar and salt.

Heat to a boil, stirring to dissolve the sugar and salt. Once at a boil; add the sliced jalapenos pressing them so they are submerged under the pickling liquids. Remove the pot off of the heat and let them sit for 10-15 minutes.

Use tongs to transfer the jalapenos into a clean jar. Ladle the pickling juices over top until you've reached the top of the jar. Let cool at room temperature before securing a lid and popping them into the fridge.

I personally would treat these as I would any opened jar of jalapenos. They should last a long while if kept refrigerated in the airtight jar.

**REVISED: I've found that 20 medium jalapenos will fill a quart size jar. I upped the water and vinegar to 1-1/4 cups each. Sugar and salt stayed the same.

*This is not a canning recipe therefore not shelf stable and will need to be kept refrigerated. With that said, I personally would treat these homemade pickled jalapeños as I would any opened jar of pickled produce in your fridge. They should last a long while if kept refrigerated in the airtight jar. Also, the spicy heat of the peppers should mellow out the longer they are in your fridge. If looking for canning instructions or directions, follow the USDA guidelines.

BY SHOSHI PARKS (bonapp)

As its name suggests, lemongrass is a grass with botanical origins that stretch across South and Southeast Asia, from India and Sri Lanka to Indonesia and the Philippines. Also called Malabar grass, Cochin grass, or fever grass among many other names, lemongrass (Cymbopogon citratus) grows in large bushy clumps. Its stalks are woody and pale green with bulbous lighter-colored bases that are somewhat reminiscent of green onions. Used whole, chopped, or pummeled into a paste, lemongrass adds a light but complex flavor and aroma—simultaneously lemony (hence the name), gingery, and floral—to sauces, soups, and meats.

In some parts of the world, lemongrass is also treasured for its health benefits. When brewed into a tea, the plant is considered an immunity-boosting treatment for a wide variety of ailments including gastrointestinal distress, fever, and asthma.

How can you use it? In South and Southeast Asian cooking, lemongrass commonly conspires with ingredients like garlic, galangal (and/or ginger), cilantro, Thai basil, shallots, lime leaves, and coconut milk to create bold, complex flavors.

To prepare lemongrass, start by peeling the stiff outer leaves away from the stalk to reveal the slightly softer underlayers. Slice the grass in two spots, about half an inch from the root and approximately three inches up, where the whitish color begins to turn green.

The pale lower section of the lemongrass is the meatiest bit. Even so, it must be sliced thin and then finely chopped, pounded into a paste with a mortar and pestle, grated with a box grater, or tossed in a food processor so that it isn’t too tough to chew. This is frequently how lemongrass is used in Cambodian cooking, Yun says, especially in the preparation of the spice paste kroeung.

Lemongrass is often finely chopped or pounded in order to break down the tough stalks.

Once minced or pounded, lemongrass can be added to marinades or grilled meats for a touch of sweet citrusy flavor or used to brighten curry pastes and simple sauces. Powdered lemongrass works here too. “Start with one teaspoon powder per lemongrass stalk, but be sure to taste as you go to make sure you’re getting that lemony-ginger bite,” Payumo advises.

And despite the fact that lemongrass isn’t traditionally used in recipes of Western origin, adding it to creamy pastas or homemade ice cream is an unexpected delight.

But while only the lower bulb of the lemongrass stem is edible, every portion of the stalk has a role to play in the kitchen. The fibrous upper section of the stalk is full of tons of lemony, gingery goodness. To release the flavorful oils, both Yun and Payumo like to bash or flatten the lemongrass stalk with a cleaver or the side of a large knife. Payumo will also sometimes bend the stalk back and forth a few times instead of smashing it to release the oils.

Fresh lemongrass stalks work best in dishes like soups and slow-roasted meats that simmer for long periods of time. In Filipino cuisine it’s commonly stuffed inside whole pigs or chickens and then roasted, Payumo says. Extensive simmering or roasting is also the best use for dry lemongrass, which rehydrates as it cooks. Like with bay leaves, remove the lemongrass stalks from the dish before serving.

Bruised, oil-rich lemongrass stalks work in the glass too. They not only make a mean cocktail stirrer, but they can also infuse spirits with almost no effort at all. Go ahead, throw a lemongrass stalk or two in a bottle of vodka and let it sit for a week before drinking. You won’t be sorry.

How should you store it? If you store it right, lemongrass will pretty much last forever. Wrapped loosely in a towel, the stalks will stay fresh and flavorful for a few weeks in the fridge. Otherwise, they’ll do just fine in the freezer, either uncut or pre-prepped. Try portioning minced, pounded, or grated grass into an empty ice tray for no-fuss future use. Dried and powdered lemongrass should be kept in sealed containers and out of the light.

Now go smash, slice, and pound away. You may not be getting to South or Southeast Asia this year, but with your new lemongrass skills, at least your culinary skills will permit you to imagine.

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joecial-distancing · 3 years

Text

July Roundup

Lifestyle:

I’ve been getting back into running this summer. It’s been about 4 years since I’ve done any serious running, and I have been made painfully aware of the differences in my body at age 29 compared to 25. My knees hurt more, I need to attend to stretching much more seriously than I used to. I’m coming at the task with better self-knowledge than last time, though; I know how far and how fast I’ve been capable of pushing, and I find an enormous amount of comfort and strength from that familiarity.

I’ve also been applying to jobs, a process which started as nauseatingly daunting, but has gradually settled into just a regular chore of the week (ideally chore of the day, if I’m to keep up with new years resolutions). Getting a resume mushed into a satisfying shape has felt nice, as has getting together a form cover letter that I know hasn’t hurt my chances of getting my foot in doors. Annoyance Boxes checked off, and the rest is getting familiar with the rest of the grind. Interviews have been and will be the same process.

Games:

I’ve also been playing a lot of Sekiro. I’ve always “liked” Fromsoft games, but it’s been rare that I’ve been able to justify the time investment. There’s an appeal in the structure, endless chances to bash myself against a problem until it clicks, being able to run drills when stuck or inadequate (and there is a hook in the inadequacy; nothing frustrates me more than being unable to Just figure out a solution, or requiring too much time to get there. I have a tense relationship with time and deadline pressure. Impatience is one of my greatest vices). So with school finished, I’m diving into this as a treat to myself. The systems are fun, and the camera is so fucking awful that I get unreasonably angry about it. One thing I always do with these games that I think is anathema to a lot of their fans is to spoil myself on what I’m up against. In dark souls I would always have open area maps, rather than try to navigate the combat and exploration simultaneously. It put my mind at ease, I didn’t like the discomfort of the tension of untriggered surprise. And with Sekiro, I know roughly the zones I’m up against, I’m not above watching videos of the boss fights to learn the proper counters etc. No shame, no honor, that’s not what I get out of these games, really.

As with running, so with jobsearch, so with Sekiro, the method is diligence, the appeal is the pleasure of feeling my improvement over time. There is nothing more exciting to me than casually accomplishing something that I know would have annihilated me only a short time ago. I can finish 2 miles in 20 minutes, I want to get it down to 15. This also means the videogame tends to lose out on the priorities list—if I’m wanting to dedicate myself to practice, there’s almost always a different outlet that’d be better outcomes in the long run

very 8 of pentacles mood overall, lately.

Books:

I’m almost done with Pynchon’s Against the Day, which had taken up all of my Reading attention span this month. Unless it does something in the final 8% to lose me hard, it’ll probably clock in as my 2nd favorite of his stuff, behind Gravity’s Rainbow. Anarchism as expressed against American mining companies, European empires, and the Mexican state; searches for a lost paradise city; warfare between schools of mathematics; the nature of Light. At face value, it feels closest to Gravity’s Rainbow and Mason & Dixon, compared to the rest of his work (I know there’s a lot of subtext and referencing going over my head with all of these in terms of both history and literature; I noticed a lot of reviews of AtD focused about the variety of genre style work that he’s pulling from in certain sections, nearly all of which is lost on me. It has, however, been very fun to me that I’m able to keep up with the mathematic academia infighting depicted in this). There’s a “fairy tales coming to life” quality to all three, if instead of Grimms’ stories it’s historical models of the world: Supersonic rockets wreck the flow of pavlovian cause & effect, the destruction of natural landscape in the course of linear surveying becomes a direct conduit for a massive influx of evil energy, quaternion mathematics casting time as real and space as imaginary allow a yogi to contort himself out of sight and into the imaginary plane. The aether is experimentally disproven in the beginning of Against the Day’s timeline, which doesn’t stop holdout engineers and mystics from working wonders with it.

It feels like there’s about as much going on in here as GR, but where GR is claustrophobically overstuffed (which is also part of the reason it’s a better book) and Mason & Dixon gets kind of plodding, the material here is given space to breathe, without losing momentum. It probably helps that the characters in this are a.) numerous, and b.) unusually solid as far as Pynchon goes.

It’s also got many great examples of something else I really like about Pynchon, which is that he is willing to commit 110% to incredibly stupid jokes. There’s an Elmer Fudd reference in here that completely knocked me on my ass.

Viz:

Watched the Bo Burnham netflix, which was mostly pretty good, though I’m completely out of patience for ostentations self-awareness or fake debate where the ~comedian~ who’s concerned about being ~white privileged mannn~ feels guilty he might be ~taking up space~, doesn’t know that he ~deserrrrves it~... out of patience because I already know what he did with that guilt (if genuine) — he didn’t scrap the project, he released the fucking thing anyway. What am I to do with this, Bo Burnham? Would you like my permission? Would you like an “it’s ok dude” from people of marginalized groups within your audience? Why am I watching along for a decision you’ve quite literally already made? I don’t trust displays of vulnerability before an audience of this size.

Also watched through I Think You Should Leave, which... sure it’s funny, and also very effective at making me uncomfortable, which is clearly what it’s aiming to do, but. I don’t really get why it’s got such a strong cultural draw within the online spheres I’m normally checked into. Saw some discourse about how the quotability is somehow distinct from regular memeing, which, alright get over yourselves jesus christ.

speaking of flavors of the month, watched 50 shades and lmao. I’ve been told by a trusted source the books are worse which is hilarious.

also speaking of flavors of the [century], S.O. and I have been doing a rewatch of pre-MCU comic book movies, which has been some fascinating anthropology. It meant, though, that we had to sit through howard the duck, an absolutely wretched film. Other highlights so far: willem dafoe power rangers acting, the soundtrack on affleck daredevil (incl a fuckin choice Evanescence exercise montage), Blade & Blade II still hold up.

We’ve also made it to the final season of pre-reboot xfiles. Duchovny’s mostly gone from this last season, replaced largely by robert patrick of T1000 fame, who is a better actor but a worse character, dude’s basically just A Cop. The writing’s weirdly probably better than the last couple Duchovny seasons, but the show doesn’t work without him — his bad acting was the main thing keeping things together, the tone’s all off now.

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deluxedolans · 4 years

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okay but imagine you’re like a cashier at hollister or something and ethan comes get you for your break and then your fifteen minutes over because he decided to fuck you in his car🤤

hi love! thank you for being so patient :))) this lowkey turned into like a blurb and i’m so sorry it took this long 🤦🏻‍♀️ thank you for sending this in and i hope you’re having a fab day/night wherever you are! 💙

as a waitress all i’ve DREAMED about is having ethan just happen to come into my restaurant and hAPPEN to have me wait on him and happen to ask for my number.

this ask out here making me live my customer service fantasy. (sorry this had a very loose connection to your ask but i had to share).

warning: cheesey smut and unrealistic car sex

you’re folding clothes, watching the clock as you wait to go into the break room to eat your lunch.

you’re halfway through folding a shirt when someone with a deep, southern drawl comes up behind you, startling you from your daydreams, “excuse me, ma’am, you know where i can get some damn service around here?”

you immediately whip around, stuttering an apology when you’re met with ethan’s cheeky smile, a massive grin overtaking his face at your reaction.

relieved a customer isn’t there to attack you, you release a huge sigh, “i fuckin’ hate you,” you growl, lightly smacking him in the chest.

“what? somethin’ wrong, little lady?” he continues, chuckling as he pokes your side.

“yeah, that accent. who’re you supposed to be, woody?” you smirk.

“alright, stop roasting me. go get your shit.”

you return from the break room with your phone to follow ethan out of the store, waving at a coworker as you go.

“hey babe, got something for us in my car. know you’ve been craving it lately.”

your eyes light up, “really?! is it a snack?”

ethan’s eyes sparkle with mischief, “you could call it that.”

your lips purse in thought. lately you’d been addicted to flavor blasted gold fish, so maybe it was that. or maybe it was fruit snacks—you two had been loving those lately, too.

once the doors are unlocked and the two of your slide into your respective seats, ethan pulls you into his lap, his lips meeting yours hungrily.

dazed, you kiss back, your tongue tracing his bottom lip begging for entrance. as his mouth opens he greedily slips his hands under your shirt, brushing your soft skin. the kisses become more and more heated, ethan’s hardness growing beneath you as grind on him in response.

you two are deep into your make out session when you hear your stomach growl, reminding you of ethan’s surprise.

your chest heaving, you pull away. “wait, what’s the surprise? didn’t you say you had food waiting for me or something?”

ethan’s chest heaves too as he attempts to catch his breath, lips swollen and cherry red. a smirk painted on his lip, ethan murmurs, “i didn’t say it was food. i just said you’d been craving it s’all.” his lips attach themselves to your neck at your confused expression, sucking a bit on your skin.

“well, then what is it?” you are breathless. ethans dick keeps growing in his pants and the more you’re all over him, the wetter you get.

with a shit-eating grin, ethan takes your hand in his, guiding it down his body until your smaller hand is resting on his hard-on. “you’re looking at it.”

you bust out laughing, your head falling against his chest as the two of you crack up.

tears stream down your face as you choke out, “you’re such a fucking idiot.” ethan can’t stop laughing as you smack his chest.

“i was ready for fucking goldfish!”

“oh please, don’t act like this is such a burden for you. like you don’t want me to fuck you—.”

“watch your mouth, pretty boy, or i’m walking out of this car and leaving you with your own cravings,” you sass, your lips meeting his ear.

ethan feels goosebumps prick up on his arms as you shift in his lap. it’s moments like this where he becomes aware of how deep in love he is with you; the intimacy mixed in with humor, swollen lips and your beautiful smile is what makes his sweaty palms, racing heart and the idea of a ring in the back of his mind that much more prominent.

“you’d never leave me,” ethan husks. internally, ethan constantly prays that you never leave him, his insecurity occasionally plaguing him as he realizes that you are way too good for him; however, the love for him that shines through in your eyes is a constant reassurance—reassurance that you love him almost as much as he loves you.

you roll your eyes, “don’t expose me like this.” you whisper, leaning in to kiss him briefly, his body shaking with a laugh.

you begin to grind on him again and ethan lets out a grunt, his own hips raising up meet yours.

“take off your fuckin’ pants.” his tone is stern yet whiney as his hands dig into your hips to pull you down against him. you giggle, leaning back to slip your leggings down your legs as ethan shimmies his sweatpants down his thick thighs. you lean forward when ethan pushes the seat all the way back, giving you two as much room as the jeep can provide.

ethan’s index and middle finger dip into your wet folds spreading your wetness around and teasing your clit. you squeak with surprise as your thighs jolt with pleasure. you can’t help but lean back a bit to give him more access.

as your head lawls over to the side, eyes half lidded, you catch sight of the clock, cringing at the time. “only got a half an hour break, e, we’ve got 20 minutes.” ethan’s automatically huffing a bit in frustration, head falling back against the seat.

“don’t you pout. you’re the one who picked now to fuck.”

ethan’s eyes shut in bliss as he sticks his fingers into his mouth, sucking your juices off the digits. “don’t want you to go,” he whines, his hands grabbing your ass in his hands before delivering a hard smack.

you blush, “well, i’m here now, lemme take care of you.” you lower yourself to sit on his thighs, taking his dick in your hand as you rub his member up and down your folds in anticipation.

“come on, pretty girl, sit on me. need you now.” ethan’s deperation for your warmth and your touch becomes evident as his hips arch up as you tease him. usually, you’d draw it out a little more, but with 17 minutes left on the clock, you needed to work quickly.

“im sittin’, im sittin’. so needy for me,” you whisper as you lower yourself onto him.

“always need—, holy shit,” ethan groans, his hands squeezing your ass in his grasp as your tight walls sink down around him.

you gasp for breath as you slowly but surely make your way to bottoming out, pacing yourself due to his thickness. at the feeling of your ass against his balls, you both let out a deep sigh simultaneously, giggling in unison.

“told you you needed this.” ethans voice is cocky and taunting as he looks at you with loopy eyes. he’s practically high on you right now and can barely keep his eyes open due to the euphoria your pussy brings him.

your eyes are shut tight as you adjust around him, your walls clenching. “yeah, yeah, whatever. like your dick wasn’t hard for me as soon as you walked into hollister.” as you tease him, your hips shift, grinding a bit to generate some friction.

ethans eyes flutter shut, his jaw clenching. “you could have a bag over your head and i’d still be ready to dick you down, angel.” ethan then grabs your hips and thrusts upward, effectively knocking the breath out of you.

ethan’s hips continue to roll upwards as you lean forward against his chest, your body quickly feeling boneless from the pleasure. “you like that, y/n? you like when i fuck you this hard? can’t even sit up. tell me how good you feel, baby, hmm?” ethan’s thrust are deep, but slow, his hips pulling back completely to make sure the tip is the only thing inside you before swiftly pushing back in, bottoming out every time.

your eyes are in the back of your head by this point, your head leaning against his beefy shoulder. it is unreal how well ethan knows your body, how well he knows what you crave. ethan dolan has been a deadly combination for you from the get-go; his quick-wit, dirty words, incredible stroke-game combined with his tender touch are how you knew he is your endgame. even after all of the time you’ve spent together, his ability to work your body and know all your favorite things to get you to cum as fast as possible still make your heart swell with love and your body quake with pleasure.

at your lack of response, ethan pinches your hip, his mouth raising to your ear. “won’t touch your clit til you talk. gotta use your words, c’mon.” ethans left hand moves from your ass to below your belly button, thumbs pressing into your lower stomach to feel how deep he is in your guts.

your eyes pop open as you roll your head to the side, the two of you making eye contact through your half lidded gazes. “feels s’good, e, i love it, i love it, i love it,” you chant as he plants his feet into the ground for a few moments, drilling you, your ass jiggling from the force.

ethan chuckles at your words, his hand sliding down your stomach and towards your sensitive nub, “good girl, s’what i thought. you gonna keep being a good girl for me? wanna ride my dick like i know you can? gonna make yourself cum on my cock?” ethans rattling off questions as he stops moving, his dick as deep inside of you as possible, your breath stolen from your lungs.

“yesssss, e, love riding you. wanna be a good girl.” your head falls back as you take your time propping yourself up, arms on his shoulders as you prepare yourself to bounce on his cock.

ethans jaw clenches as he takes in your appearance; your scoop neck top has ridden down a bit to reveal your flushed chest, your cheeks red and rosey while your eyes are screwed shut in bliss. he stares at you for several seconds to commit this sight to memory; his own perfect angel, made just for him.

as soon as you begin grinding, moving up and down, ethan places his thumb between your two moving bodies to rub your clit. as usual, as soon as he touches you, your body can’t help but to react, jolting towards him and breaking your rhythm. you crave ethans touch so much your body literally can’t help but respond to it.

“uh uh, baby, gotta keep going. keep bouncing on my dick. you can do it, you can handle it. be my good girl,” he remarks. you nod, taking a moment to collect yourself before sitting back up fully and resuming your movements.

the sound of skin slapping on skin gets even louder as your ass smacks against his thighs, your heat dripping in wetness the deeper ethan goes and the more his fingers work you.

“you like when i play with your pussy, gorgeous? like my fingers all over you?”

“mmm, fuckin’ love it. you do it so goooood,” you moan, your speed increasing as you feel your legs start to shake, the knot in your stomach tightening.

“yeah? you gonna come for me? gonna cum—.”

you can’t help but interrupt ethan in the middle of his dirty talk, “yes, yes, yes! feels too good, e, don’t stop, please!” your legs feel more and more fatigued but getting to your high provides you with an adrenaline rush to power through the slight burn in your thighs.

ethan can’t help but break into a smile at you interrupting him, his ego increasing tenfold. “let go for me, babe, come on,” ethan grabs onto your hip with one hand, once again planting his feet firmly onto the car floor as he fucks up into you frantically, his finger rubbing quick and harsh over your clit.

once again, your head falls onto his shoulder as you become overwhelmed with pleasure. “come on, y/n, head up. look at me, you can’t come til i see those eyes.” ethan’s voice takes on a softer tone, his hand cupping your cheek softly so he can watch you come undone. his thumb rubs the apple of your cheek as he murmurs encouragement, your hot breath intermingling. “there we go, angel, open your eyes for me.” your eyes slowly peels themselves open, and ethan smiles warmly, your beauty captivating him and making his heart thud. “so pretty for me like this.” ethans’ voice is smooth as silk as he delivers a particularly hard thrust that has you cumming, your eyes half open and your toes curling as you ride it out.

“ethan, ethan, e! i—i can’t, so good—m’cumming.” you spit out whatever words come to mind as your body releases itself, ethan fucking himself up into you even harder. ethans can feel himself getting closer to his peak as soon as he feels your walls get impossibly tight around him, his legs stiffening in anticipation.

“so pretty for me when you cum, baby.” ethan’s always quick to compliment you as you come down, his love for you often overflowing in those moments.

as soon as your orgasm is over, you’re immediately starting back up with filthy words, edging ethan towards his own. “s’your turn now, baby. gonna cum deep inside? love it when you do that. come on, e, fuck me harder, wanna feel you in my guts, yeah?” you’re firing off all of his favorite lines, his jaw clenching like a vice as you hop on his dick, driving him closer and closer to the edge.

“such a good girl, y/n, you’re riding my cock so good.”

“always make me feel so good, e, love riding your dick, love you,” as ethan thrusts harder you start to gasp, his thrusts hitting you deeper and deeper.

“fuck, i’m cumming, i’m cumming—.” ethan pulls out quickly to release on your stomach, eyes fluttering open to watch his cum paint your soft skin.

as ethan comes down from his peak, his face is pink and his breathing is heavy, eyes shutting as soon as you run your fingers through his damp and dark locks. once your fingers start to tickle his beard, though, his eyes shoot open, a goofy smile gracing his face.

you smile back, rolling your eyes. “what are you smiling at?”

“nothin’. you’re just the shit, that’s all.”

you can’t help but giggle, “you tryna inflate my ego?”

“maybe...or, i just love you a lot,” he shrugs, facing tinting with a blush at his open admission.

“i love you too.” your hands softly trace every inch of his face, memorizing his freckles, moles, stubble; everything that makes him...him.

“but don’t worry, i’ve got something that’ll humble you real quick.” ethan reaches over into the glove compartment to grab some napkins, cleaning your stomach of his mess.

you lift yourself off of ethan to lean back against the steering wheel in preparation to redress yourself. “oh christ, what is it?”

“you forgot my clock’s 10 minutes fast; you’re fifteen minutes past your break.” ethan is already leaning over to grab your leggings off the floor of the passenger side, laughing as your face pales.

“oh my—you asshole! why didn’t you say anything?!” you’re slapping his chest as he cackles, but you can’t help but giggle a bit at the fact that you just fucked your boyfriend for so long that you are now late for work.

“gotta satisfy those cravings!” ethan retorts with a quirked eyebrow.

you respond by slapping giving his shoulder a slight shove as the two of you cackle. then, it’s a race for the two of you to pull on your pants to rush back into the store, brainstorming excuses as to why you were late considering you’d never even left the premises.

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cecilspeaks · 4 years

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Live Show: A Spy in the Desert

1. A Spy in the Desert

Cecil: A tisket, a tasket. My god, what’s in that basket?! Welcome to Night Vale.

Listeners, it’s another beautiful day here in Night Vale, and I hope that you’re all outside staring wild-eyed into the sun, instead of cooped up in some dark room full of a bunch of people that you don’t know. The only thing that could ruin such a beautiful day as this is, well, this breaking news.

We have an outsider in our midst. A spy from a faraway land, a master of disguise who can mix imperceptibly into any crowd. Now this spy has been known throughout the world as the Sparrow Hawk, the Nightingale, the Southern Blue-Eyed Glossy Starling, and the Tough-Tit Titmouse. But recently, the spy started going by the code name the Mink. Which is much better, because minks are adorable and birds are idiots. Now the Mink has stolen secrets from the world’s most powerful governments, but unlikely most spies, the Mink works independent of any agency. They steal confidential information, but they never reveal any of that information to anyone. They are the perfect keeper of stolen knowledge. Now the Mink does possess an unparalleled range of regional and national accents, as well as a fanny pack full of fake mustaches, eyeliner and press-on nails. Right in the fanny pack. The founders of Night Vale built this town upon secrets, with a Byzanthine system of powerful and opaque city leadership, and what are we as a town without those secrets? It would make sense, then, that the City Council and the Sheriff’s Secret Police would want to stop The Mink from learning our secrets. So if you see anyone that you do not know, do not approach them. Because they could be a dangerous spy. Simply carry on as normal, as you would, and treat them like you would any stranger. Which is to stand 20 feet away, point and shout: “INTERLOPEER!!!” And thus by behaving in this completely normal way, they will not think that they’ve been spotted. And then immediately go and call the Secret Police. Make sure that you have registered for a citizen’s protection account with plans starting as low as 25 dollars a month, otherwise the police will not assist. And then once you’ve registered your account, tell the police that you saw a person you do not know. In public! And that person, thus logically could be The Mink! And they’ll catch them and we can all move on to the next terrifying news story.

2. Sports news

But first, a look at sports. Last night witnesses reported seeing a padded man carrying an inflated lump of animal skin across an open, well lit field. They could not identify him, as his face and head were fully covered by a round plastic hat. Several other unidentified men were chasing this man, panting and sweating, and hundreds of witnesses on this side of the field all began shaking their fists in the air and chanting: “Crush! Him! Crush! Him! Crush! Him!” [audience chants] And then witnesses on this side of the field were shaking their fists and shaking “Vio-lence! Vio-lence!” [audience chants] And their screams reached a crescendo, and then they stopped and they watched as this man spiked the lump of animal flesh and began to inch along a pinkish trail of viscous ooze. And the very back rows began a soft chant of “What have you done? What have you done? What have you done?” and it made its way forward, row by row, until the whole auditorium was chanting: “What have you done? What have you done? What have you done? What have you done?” And the skin split open revealing a white skeletal face with two bulbous red eyes, and the face craned up on a long neck, and it hissed and it bared its fangs and snapped into the neck of the man who had spiked it tore off a long swab of fleshhhhhh. And a woman wearing all black and white stripes took this flesh and blew into it like a balloon, and handed it to another padded man, and the process started all over again. And everyone in the crowd shouted: “Mortality!” [audience shouts it] And this has been sports. Hmm.

3. A Word from our Sponsors

And now a word from our sponsors. For that, we go to our lovably malicious spokeshaze, Deb the sentient patch of haze!

Deb: Hiya Cecil. Hiya listening audience with your squishy human minds. So easy to manipulate! Cute, so cute. Today’s show has been brought to you by Folgers brand coffee. We at Folgers believe good coffee comes from good hammers.

Cecil: Oo, that’s so true! You know, a lot of people don’t realize that good coffee is 90 percent the quality of the hammer that you use to smash up the bean, and ten percent how much you’re willing to lie to yourself that a 20-dollar bag of coffee tastes different than a 10-dollar bag of coffee.

Deb: That’s why we at Folgers hammer our coffee extra smooth, using only American made sledgehammers. We follow the hammer traditions of the finest coffee houses. From Sicilian espresso shops where they use wooden mallets, to the great institutions of Vienna, where the ornate tile walls ring with the echoes of handcrafted silver (ball-pin) [0:01:13] wielded by tuxedo-wearing waiters.

Cecil: You know, on my vacation I went to an espresso shop in Italy, and the woman behind the counter, lovingly crushed each and every ben with just the tiniest wooden mallet. And then she lit a whole pack o matches, threw it into the cup, and that is called a macchiato.

Deb: Macchiato. I’m unconvinced Italy even exists. For instance, have I ever seen it? No, there you go.

Cecil: Uh.

Deb: Yeah.

Cecil: But Deb, let me tell you, the flavor profile of that macchiato, it was – oh, it just had hints of sulfur and splinters, it was so authentic!

Deb: Gross.

Cecil: Yeah, it was kind of gross.

Deb: Why buy your own beans and pound away them in your kitchen, when Folgers has already hammered them for you? Folgers coffee. You guys wanna go see a dead body?

Cecil: Thanks, Deb. Oh hey, have you been following this news story about The Mink?

Deb: Oh, a little. It doesn’t interest me much because I already know every secret in town.

Cecil: Wait, what?

Deb: Yeah, yeah.

Cecil: How?

Deb: Oh, how doesn’t sound important, no no no. what’s important, listeners, is that I know. [pause, laughter] So please do buy the products that I’m advertising. I’d hate to have a teensy slip of the tongue next time I’m broadcasting to the whole town, Joanne. Hey Cecil, you wanna know Joanne’s secrets?

Cecil: I mean it seems a little private – yeah, I do. [pause, Deb whispers into Cecil’s ear] [sultry voice] Joanne!! I am simultaneously disgusted and impressed.

Deb: And that’s just one of the secrets I know. Well, it has been great talking at you Cecil. Goodbye!

Cecil: Alright, thank you Deb! Whooo! Wow.

4. Who is the Mink?

The Secret Police are hot on the trail of the Mink. In the hall of public records, they found a set of footprints left by a size 9 Adidas, but those shoes do not match any of the hall clerks, as the hall of record employees only have hooves. The police also found a person wearing a cloak and carrying a dagger inside the Moonlite All-Nite Diner. But upon investigating, it just turned out to be Steve Carlsberg. He was holding a lobster splitter and he got his lobster bib twisted around backwards. Oh, Steve. The City Council has upgraded our alert system from orange level to red. “Um, it’s really more of a lovely amaranth?” The multi-voiced council cooed in unison. “Um, excuse me, if the Mink never reveals any of the secrets that they learn, then what is the harm in them knowing?” asked one intrepid reporter. A brave and experienced radio man, who is quite smart and very handsome. But the City Council just hissed back: “All knowledge is harmful!” So I can’t argue with that. Now the Mink has carried out heists of secrets all over the globe. West Berlin 1985, the Mink disguised themself as a security guard and learned every account number in Deutsche Bank. German police noticed a person in a security guard uniform quietly mumbling numbers to themself, and they did give chase but lost the culprit in the crowd when they donned one of those glasses with a fake nose and eyebrows.

Kuala Lumpur, 1998. The Mink disguised themself as one of the Petronas towers and learned the secrets of every person inside. Witnesses reported seeing one of the towers just leeeaning over ever so slightly, as if listening in on a conversation. But when the national police arrived, the tower leapt into the Klang River and witnesses said: “Ooh, look at that kinda long but otherwise completely normal looking boat!”

2011, the Mink staged a daring escape from a military base in Nulogorsk. After discovering the intruder, the Nulogorskian got very excited, because they had never before met anyone with only two eyes. The Mink did get away, however, by disguising themself as a pirogi. [long pause] Having been eaten, they escaped two days later through the city sewer system. Weren’t expecting that, were you? You know, I hope we apprehend the Mink soon. I really, man, need to talk to somebody who has other secrets, it’s a journalist’s dream interview. And I mean, everybody has secrets so, I mean we all have something that we probably wouldn’t want the Mink to share on the air, I mean I know I do. You know what, “I value privacy above all else,” I have just now written on my Facebook page, so you know it’s super important to me.

5. Lee Marvin

Cecil: Oh wait, listeners, OK, I’ve just been given a note saying we have a very special birthday today. Wow, OK, this is a real honor. Listeners, please welcome to the studio, on the day of their 30th birthday, legendary actor and Night Vale resident, Lee Marvin!

Lee: It is a pleasure to be here. I don’t think we have ever met, even though it seems like we have both lived in this town forever.

Cecil: It actually does feel like forever, doesn’t it?

Lee: As we all know, time doesn’t work correctly in Night Vale. For instance, it has been my 30th birthday continuously for many years, and yet I never grow any older.

Cecil: I know just what you mean, I mean I was 19 for a long time like, decades probably.

Lee: And that’s the problem with millennials, you know?

Cecil: Yeah.

Lee: Instead of buying houses or shouting at barns, or researching owls, or any other number of normal and productive activities, they just age.

Cecil: Ugh!

Lee: Normally one day after the next. Why, I think there is not a millennial in this world who even tried to remain 19 for a terrifying number of years.

Cecil: I know! It’s lazy. Now let’s talk about the Mink. Mr. Marvin, as a very famous movie actor, I felt that you might be able to offer some analysis on someone so adept at disguises and false personas.

Lee: Well, sure sure I mean after all, what is acting but lying to a room full of strangers?

Cecil: Mm. Literally nothing at all.

Lee: When lying to a group of strangers, there are definitely some basic techniques to watch out for. One is speaking aloud. Anyone speaking aloud could be lying. Why, almost anything could be said out loud without research or citation .for instance, I could say aloud that uh, mountains are real…

Cecil: Oh come on! [Cecil and Lee laugh]

Lee: And it doesn’t matter that this is a ridiculous statement perpetuated by the mountain enthusiasts. It is still something I could and di say out loud. Another technique to look out for is accents. It seems that this Mink is able to deploy at will any accent at all. I myself am an expert at dialect and accents.

Cecil: Ooh! Would you care to give us a demonstration?

Lee: Well sure sure. Uh, start with something, a basic accent. This is an accent for someone from the country of Svitz. You’ll noticed that the Svitzians sort of speak from the back of the throat, it’s uh something like this um, [very deep, monotonous voice] “Hello, yes, thank you. I would like some cake.” Like that. Cecil: Yeah, oh yeah.

Lee: And um, here’s another one um, this is an accent for someone from the nation of Franchia. The Franchians have an interesting thing where they an, uh, a diphthong on every single vowel. Here goes, um. Yaa-aa, soo-am ceek, thyat would bee a boath low-ly and filing. Something like that, yeah.

Cecil: Oh wow, yeah, yeah!

Lee: And here is the ccent of someone who lived until the age of ten in Svitz, before immigrating to Franchia. And now, at the age of 50, is learning to speak English.

Cecil: Right, OK, OK.

Lee: [deep voice] Aah piece of cay-ek for me, you’re only too kind. Something like that.

Cecil: Oh that’s, that’s amazing!

Lee: Yeah. Uh, seriously though, do you have any cake, I’m starving?

Cecil: Oh. Oh actually no I’m sorry, we’re not allowed to hae cake at the radio station because it makes Station Mangement very restless.

Lee: That’s fine, that’s fine. Well the final technique I wanted to talk about is, is disguise, I am to understand that the Mink is able to easily adopt the look of anyone they wish to. Here’s a couple of ways of disguising yourself. One is through, of course the use of masks, make up, prosthetics, it’s very difficult, technical, very Hollywood. Let’s talk about the other method though, which is simpler and just as effective.

Cecil: Oh, wait, what is that one?

Lee: It’s OK so you simply… so you take your hand.

Cecil: uh huh.

Lee: And you put it in front of your face. And then you say aloud who you’re supposed to be disguised as.

Cecil: Ah

Lee: For instance, I’ll demonstrate. Hello, I am Tom Hanks!

Cecil: Oh my god, oh my god! Oh my god Mr Tom Hanks, I-I loved you in Turner and Hooch, and whatever else you did after that, I..

Lee: No see, it’s just me, Lee Marvin!

Cecil: Oh man!

Lee: But with my hand in front of my face… Life is very similar to a bag of chocolates!

Cecil: Oh my god it is similar to a bag of chocolates!

Lee: There’s no way to tell!

Cecil: Oh my gosh, that’s amazing, Mr. Marvin! Thank you so much, we appreciate having you on the show.

Lee: It was no problem at all, thank you for having me, Cecil. Um, we before I go, this is Judy Garland saying goodbye.

Cecil: Oh my god, oh my, oh my gosh, no wait, wait wait, Ms. Garland, Ms. Garland, just one song before you go, Miss Judy Garland!

Lee: [sings] Ring ring ring goes the (--)..

Cecil: Ah! Judy Garland, everyone!

6. Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner

Now it’s time for the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner. It’s a very special anniversary today, kids. On this day in 1872, the moon was invented. Yeah. You see, scientists had been reading a lot of paperback horror novels about werewolves and thought, wait! If the moon were a thing, then werewolves might also be a thing! So they built a moon out of limestone and hired artist (Marie Kassaut) [0:00:30] to paint it with a giant smiling wolf doing an “okay” sign with its paw and winking. But there was a problem: when they launched it up into the sky, something happened with the catapult, and it landed with the unpainted side facing the Earth. And almost a hundred years later, NASA would claim to have landed on the moon, but twinkly dot scientists or, oh sorry that’s what I call astronomers, they just proved that to be false. And you know, NASA retracted their statement saying: “Oh we were just joshing” and the American people all had a good chuckle. And ever since Alexander Fleming invented the werewolf vaccine – also known as penicillin – the moon is mostly just an ineffectual artefact, like a reminder of our once terrible taste in celestial bodies. And that is why each and every night, we all shout: “I hate you, moon!” up into the sky, and even though we can’t see it, we all think of that wolf on the dark side, quietly winking, and shedding a tear. [weeping] And this has been the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner. It’s true. Science.

7. The Community Calendar Let’s take a look at the community calendar, shall we? Let’s see here, Monday night there is a blood drive in the Ralphs parking lot. There’s gonna be a van parked in the far corner, like just beyond the trees, and if you go inside that van, some blood will be taken from you. “Oh yeah, (she’s) gonna come out of you one way or another, man!” said a rapidly talking man in a dirty T-shirt, who I am not sure is connected to the blood drive at all. “Oh yeah, we’re just gonna do amazing things with your blood, man! Don’t worry about what, [disturbing voice] we’re just gonna do really good things with your blood!” and then he finished up by saying the national blood drive slogan: “Bloooooooooooood!!!” So I guess just, get on into the blood van!

Tuesday was lost last night by Bernadette Flynn, as she was watching the newly released remake of last year’s Spiderman movie. She thinks maybe Tuesday fell behind the seat during the film or something. So if anybody sees Tuesday, please let Bernadette Flynn know, as it was an old family heirloom, and her favorite day of the week.

Wednesday night is 80’s night at Dark Owl Records. For more on that, let’s hear from Dark Owl owner, Michelle Nguyen!

Cecil: Hey, Michelle!

Michelle: Hello, Cecil! On 80’s night, we’ll be putting on leg warmers and fingerless gloves, listening to Duran Duran, and thinking hard about what our lives will be like when we are 80 years old.

Cecil: Ahhh, that sounds like fun!

Michelle: We will consider life insurance plans and talk about several types of diseases that will affect our later years. There will also be a moonwalking demonstration, just like that famous Michael Jackson dance where he walked around shouting: “I hate you moon!”

Cecil: Yeah, yeah. Did you know it’s actually the moon’s birthday today?

Michelle: Stupid rock!

Cecil: Garbage satellite! Anyway, so Michelle, to change the subject, the Mink could peek into our private lives at any moment. Is there something that you are personally worried that they would find?

Michelle: [long pause] No.

Cecil: Oh, come on Michelle, we all have secrets! Is there any music you listen to that you would be ashamed of people knowing about?

Michelle: Please. You’re the one that starts every day with a choreographed lip sync to Robyn’s 2010 B-side “Cry When You Get Older”, and then you cry for a while, because you have gotten older.

Cecil: [sourly] Yeah.

Michelle: Each day just a little bit more and sometimes that makes you happy and other times it makes you sad and either way you feel like crying. Probably.

Cecil: [mumbles] Oh, yeah.

Michelle: That’s probably what you do, certainly I wouldn’t! I wake up listening to Leonard Cohen’s new album: “Wait Where Am I, I Thought I Died and How Is This Even Being Recorded?”

Cecil: [impressed] Oh, yeah.

Michelle: I listen to that album in full and then nod thoughtfully, and drink three cups of black coffee.

Cecil: Mmm.

Michelle: [scoffs] I don’t even know who Robyn is and I would never scream sing along to “Dancing On My Own” whenever I miss my mother.

Cecil: [scoffs] Oh wait, your mother, I don’t think you’ve ever mentioned her before.

Michelle: I learned everything about music from her. She once found me listening to The Smiths and said, [different accent] “Michelle! What are you doing! Morrissey turned out to be the worst person ever! I give you shelter over your head, three meal a day and access to a working time machine. And you don’t even use it to find out which celebrity turned out to be bad? It’s almost all celebrity, Michelle! Almost all celebrity turned out to be bad!” And she was right about that, Cecil. Can you name a good celebrity?

Cecil: Um, oh there’s Lee Marvin!

Michelle: That’s right, just Robyn.

Cecil: Just Robyn, yeah that’s it.

Michelle: I can’t think of anyone else either. Then my mother would say: “Michelle! I don’t wan the world to be the way that it is, but the world is that way. And people will judge. They will judge you for what you wear and what you listen to and what you say. They will judge you especially hard for so many unfair reason. So that music you listen to, that make you happy? Don’t let go of it. Never show that weakness to the world. In public, you listen to the music that tell them who you are, and you wear the clothes that show them wo you are. Always be one step ahead of them. And then at night, when it’s just you and you’ve played their game and you’ve won, then you put on a record that makes you happy, and you let yourself sing!” Then one day, my mother took the time machine back to prehistoric times, to try to retrieve some of their music, which would have been the coolest and most obscure sons. But she never returned. I miss her, but I’ll never forget the last thing she told me. She said, “Michelle! I cannot emphasize enough how awful Morrissey turned out to be!”

Cecil: Awwww. Wow. Gosh Michelle, I’m so sorry about your mother, but thank you for sharing that extremely personal story on the air.

Michelle: Uh.. No what no? No, I don’t think I did. We were talking about 80’s night. Come to 80’s night! There will be a Cyndi Lauper lookalike competition, and the winner will take over Cyndi’s life, becoming the fifth person to play that role. See you there! Or not, whatever.

Cecil: Thank you, Michelle!

More on the community calendar. Thursday night is the adopt a pet fair at the Last Bank of Night Vale. There’s gonna all sorts of animals, and they will come home with you. You don’t even have to go to the fair. They already know where your home is. And they’re gonna be waiting for you. When you open your door that night, there’s gonna be panting and snarling and two little blinks of light, right inside your darkened doorway. So wow, that sounds like a really fun and socially important event!

And finally, Friday is Bring Your Issues to Work Day. So really dig deep there, people! Let ‘em loose! And this has been the community calendar.

8. Tamika Flynn

Cecil: So listeners, I’m joined in my studio right now by the most vigilant defender of Night Vale and of literature. Please welcome to the air 16-year-old Tamika Flynn!

Tamika: [giggles] Hi Cecil, hi!

Cecil: Hi Tamika! Now, you must be alarmed that there’s a dangerous spy on the loose.

Tamika: Of course! It’s not safe to have an interloper learning our secrets.

Cecil: But what could they learn that would hurt us?

Tamika: Oh, lots of stuff. What if they start uncovering all the plot twists of our favorite novels, like “Murder on the Orient Express”, Agatha Christie’s brilliant whodunit. What if they read ahead and learned at the murderer turns out to be-

Cecil: Wubububububuh! Spoilers! I mean, some of us haven’t read it yet!

Tamika: Oh I’m just teasing. That book doesn’t even have an ending. It’s the only murder Agatha could never solve.

Cecil: Hmm, hm.

Tamika: But learning secrets can be harmful, like one time, I was waiting in line at midnight for the release of the sixth Harry Potter book, and some jerk drove by and shouted: “Snape and Dumbledore are both featured prominently in the new novel!” [angry noise] Ruined.

Cecil: I’ve never read the sixth book!

Tamika: Oh.

Cecil: I’ve only read the third and the seventh. So now the whole experience is ruined!

Tamika: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I chased that fool down and I punched him until his bruises spelled out: “Don’t mess with a Hufflepuff!” But I do have a plan to catch this spy. I’ll disguise myself as the Mink. And then I’ll walk around town until I find someone that’s dressed exactly like me.

Cecil: Ah.

Tamika: [giggles] And then I’ll grab them and I’ll whisper that famous, oh um and then I’ll grab them and shout at them and say: “You wanna spoil the endings of books, pal? Why don’t you try Stephen King’s ‘It’, that whole ending is terrible!”

Cecil: Oh, come on, I liked the ending of “It”!

Tamika: Really?

Cecil: Yeah, you know when It just turns out to be the friends we made along the way. You and you and you… It’s nice. OK, anyway, Tamika. Now I have a question. How are you going to disguise yourself as the Mink, when nobody knows what the Mink actually looks like?

Tamika: Well I’ll j-, but I c-..

Cecil: I know.

Tamika: Oh.

Cecil: Yeah…

Tamika: Fine. Then, oh I’ll dress up as a manila folder with a “top secret” stamp on it!

Cecil: Oh yeah.

Tamika: And then when someone tries to take me, I’ll grab them and whisper that famous movie speech: “I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. I don’t have any money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills.”

Cecil: Ah!

Tamika: “Skills that I’ve acquired through reading! Would you like a list of book recommendations? Here are a few I think you’d enjoy.”

Cecil: Ah, ha ha!

Tamika: Yes!

Cecil: Oh man, that is my favorite scene from “Say Anything”.

Tamika: Yeah! [giggles] When John Cusack holds that boombox above his head outside the terrorist headquarters, I mean [kiss]! [laughs]

Cecil: So good!

Tamika: Yes.

Cecil: Mm mm, now wait. The Mink is a real threat, and they are interested in learning far more than just book spoilers. I mean, you in particular might be in danger, Tamika.

Tamika: [giggles] Cecil, I’m 16 years old. I know everything there is to know about taking care of myself, OK?

Cecil: Oh yeah, OK, alright. Alright. But listen, if you catch the Mink, bring them here to the studio, because I need to have a moment…

Tamika: Wanna rough him up?

Cecil: Oh uuuuh, um..

Tamika: Yeeeah, like I’ll pin him down and then you take this copy of Hanya Yanagihara’s “Little Life” and just like, bam, bam, bam!

Cecil: Oh, oh.

Tamika: Bam!

Cecil: Oh!

Tamika: This book made me cry, now it’s making you cry, sucker!

Cecil: Uh.. Yeah sure, something like that.

Tamika: Yeah. [giggles]

Cecil: Um-

Tamika: Well, I think I’m off to get that Mink!

Cecil: All right, thank you Tamika! Be safe. Tamika Flynn, everyone!

9. Public Service Announcement

And now, a public service announcement. The Night Vale Youth Fitness Initiative recommends at least 60 minutes a day outdoors for children under the age of 18. Being outdoors encourages kids to be more active and social. Fitness Initiative spokesperson, (Jin Housong) said: “Kids spend too much time indoors, and that makes it very difficult for us to monitor their physical agility and speed! We are trying to find children to fight in the Blood Space War, and that is very difficult when all kids wanna do is spend all their time inside Snapchatting and playing Fortnite.” Some outdoor activities encouraged by the Youth Fitness Initiative include cycling, soccer, breath holding, sensory deprovation, G force resistance, and string theory. The staff of the Youth Fitness Initiative welcome any kid wanting to have fun outdoor time to come on down to the Intergalactic Military Base. They can’t tell you where it is, but they are more than happy to send a chaperone in a burlap sack, and a van. And this has been a public service announcement.

10. Telly the Barber

So listeners, several Night Vale residents have sent in reports of seeing strangers sneaking about town, possible sightings of the elusive Mink. And we have one such witness with us in the studio right now. Please welcome – Telly the barber.

Telly: Hi Cecil!

Cecil: [long pause] Have you cut any hair lately, Telly?

Telly: Oh sure, I’m always-

Cecil: Have you cut any hair that didn’t need cutting, Telly?

Telly: I-I think we all saw the signs..

Cecil: Have you taken any innocent person, any handsome person and perfectly coiffed scientist person’s hair and then just destroyed it so completely that you had to leave town, Telly?

Telly: Not lately.

Cecil: Mm hm.

Telly: Did you wanna hear my story?

Cecil: No.

Telly: OK, I’ll just hum and cut my hair with this butterknife.

Cecil: Oh OK, alright alright alright alright, I’ve changed my mind, I do wanna hear your story.

Telly: OK. So ever since that one bad haircut and please tell Carlos I’m so sorry, see he asked me for a light trim on the sides, and I misheard it as “shave asterisk in my sideburns, then cut me some bangs.”

Cecil: Bangs? Ugh.

Telly: After that, I banished myself to the desert, rehoning my cutting skills on cacti and tarantulas. Did you know that tarantulas are venomous?

Cecil: Yeah, I- I actually knew that. Oh my god, your hand!

Telly: I learned the hard way. But, but it was a great experience, see I finally reopened my barber shop in Night Vale last year, over by the library. Some of the librarians come in from time to time, I-I have to chain their tentacles to the (--) [0:01:45] first, and then I use grooming sheers to trim the hair along their pincers, which is tough because of the foaming slime that gathers there. Did you know that librarian saliva is acidic?

Cecil: Yeah of course, everybody – oh my god, your other hand!

Telly: I’m earning so much

Cecil: Ugh.

Telly: Anyway, earlier this week, an interloper came to my shop. They were wearing a hockey mask and a turtleneck, they had long thick curly black hair and they whispered: ”I need a new look! Can you cut it short and blond?” so I did.

Cecil: That could have been the Mink!

Telly: Why don’t you just tell the story, Cecil?

Cecil: Well no I’m sorry, I’m sorry. No please, go ahead.

Telly: So the next day-

Cecil: Please tell us more about the lives that those scissors have ruined.

Telly: The next day, the same person returned and they were wearing a sleep mask, vampire teeth, and a drum major coat. An excellent disguise, but I know my own work and I recognize their haircut immediately. I said: “Hello, brand new customer whom I have never seen before! What can I do for you?”

And they whispered: “I need a new look. Can you cut it long and straight with a beard like that guy from Queer Eye?”

Cecil: Awww, I love Jonathan Van Ness! Oh hey, did you ever see that episode where they consult that stone obelisk on that uninhabited island?

Telly: Yeah yeah that's the one where Jonathan was like: “We’re gonna make those cliffs glow!”

Cecil: Yeaah!

Telly: And then he uttered an ancient prayer and was granted a bent scepter and control of the weather.

Cecil: And then they just spent the rest of the episode flying around the island, screaming in Latin and zapping Bobby with lightning.

Telly: That was a great episode!

Cecil: So good.

Telly: You know, the part about the cliffs was so empowering .

Cecil: Yeah!

Telly: Anyway, I performed a wild flurry of scissor snips around the stranger’s head, and voila, they have long straight hair and a beard. Every day this week they’ve come to me, they wanted a Pam Greer Afro, a Sid Vicious Mohawk. That famous Friends haircut, the Ross.

Cecil: You know what you should do? Next time they come in, ask them to get like a blow dry or a perm, and then while they’re waiting-

Telly: Uh, well… don’t be mad.

Cecil: Wait, what?

Telly: So they were today and I kinda messed up? I-I don’t think they’ll be back.

Cecil: Oh come on, Telly!

Telly: See they wanted a 90’s fade and I misheard, and I cut my own foot off. See?

Cecil: Oh my god! Telly, you didn’t even put a bandage on it!

Telly: I didn’t wanna be late to your show. Anyway, they looked really annoyed and left before they got any more blood on them.

Cecil: Ugh. Well you know the important thing is that you tried. I mean, you messed up in a really serious way that I did not even think was possible, but… you tried. And also, I’m sorry I yelled at you before.

Telly: Thanks, Cecil. You know, this might be the blood loss talking but that means so much to me.

Cecil: Sure. Hey listen, have you ever thought about a different career maybe?

Telly: Like knife sharpening or gun cleaning, or chainsaw repair?

Cecil: You know what, no no, just stick to the barbering, Telly. Thank you so much.

Telly: Sure thing.

Cecil: Telly the Barber, everyone! Just grind it into the carpet, no one will ever know.

12. Sightings of the Mink

We are getting reports of Mink sightings all over town. Archeology professor Joel Eisenberg saw a stranger outside of Mission Grove Park, and they were dressed all in black and they were holding copy of the Night Vale Daily Journal, just high enough to cover their face. Now, Joel Eisenberg saw this person, and pointed and shouted “Interloper”, and then being a friendly neighbor, went over and said “Hi, I’m Joel, do you like dinosaurs?” And the stranger said yes, but kept their face hidden.

“What’s your favorite dinosaur? Mine’s the ichthyosaur.”

And the stranger said, “Yeah, I guess so, sure.”

And Joel’s face reddened and his voice thickened like wet concrete.

“Ichthyosaurs aren’t dinosaurs! Mink!” [scoffs]

Imposter didn’t even know the difference between a marine lizard and a dinosaur. But they did know how to throw that newspaper in Joel’s face and run.

Jackie Fierro, owner of the local pawn shop, said her half mother Diane Crayton came to the store to ask if Jackie sold cars that fired rockets from behind their headlights and/or turn into boats, and/or had ejector seats. Now, Jackie thought this was a fairly odd request from a single mother with a fairly bland day job. “What do you need all that for, Diane?” asked Jackie.

“It’s for my son, Josh Josh, my son’s name is Josh.”

Now Jackie knew this was not the real Diane. She was nose to nose with the Mink. Jackie started to speak, but there was a quick puff of smoke and the would-be-Diane was gone, and in their place, there was a wad that looked like skin and hair. And Jackie picked it up, and it was a perfect replica of Diane’s face.

Later, at the old shipping port, Tamika Flynn trailed a suspect into a dilapidated warehouse along the waterfront, which has no water, because we live in a desert. Which is a huge reason why they had to shut down the shipping port. Anyway, it was dark inside the abandoned building save for streaks of dusty sunlight through the shaddered windows, and Tamika heard a creaking from a pile of boxes nearby, and she was frightened, unable to move. But wait, she thought. Why, I’m the predator, the Mink is the prey. And then she remembered those famous lines from Alfred Lord Tennyson’s “Charge of the Light Brigade.” “I’m here to kick butt and chew bubblegum. Why not both?”

So she threw some chicklets into her mouth and shouted: “You’re trapped, Mink!” and raced toward the sound and a figure emerged from behind a tower of boxes, and they pushed the crates down on Tamika, but she did this like, backflip-kick thing and knocked that interloper right out of the warehouse onto the deck. And as they approached, the Mink pulled out a remote control and a tiny helicopter descended from nowhere and a tiny ladder descended from the tiny helicopter, and the Mink grabbed onto it and flew away.

Man, I thought Tamika really had him that time. I really wanna take a moment to just interview this person, someone who has all these secrets, just for journalistic reasons of course.

It would make the interview of the century.

13. Sheriff Sam

But until that moment, the Sheriff’s Secret Police would like us to know that they have this Mink situation firmly in hand. And in order to show how under control it is, the Sheriff would like to speak to you themself. Listeners, Sheriff Sam!

Sam: Hello Sessil.

Cecil: Cecil.

Sam: Sessil.

Cecil: Cecil.

Sam: Do you know, I really feel like I’m saying it. Sessil.

Cecil: Yeah, it-it sounds good enough, alright.

Sam: Now before I start, I want to apologize to the people of Night Vale for what I’ve done. And let me finish. I disagree that the new seasons of “The Great British Bake Off” are better. And I’m very sad that Mary Berry is no longer there, you know I couldn’t get enough of her famous catch phrase: “I’m unable to feel anything at all. Unless I can see clear layers in a baked good.”

Cecil: Ah, such a good catch phrase!

Sam: And I don’t like that they replaced Mel and Sue with two polar bears, who toy with and eventually eat the last place finisher.

Cecil: Yeah, I think I think it will grow us on, right?

Sam: Yeah but all that being said, I really shouldn’t have done what I did last night. When I raised my voice and said: “Paul Hollywood needs a new wardrobe.” I mean, what’s with those blue jeans, right?

Cecil: Yeah, yeah.

Sam: And then Paul started crying and wailed: “Why would you say that, powerful desert law enforcer?” And channel 4 immediately cancelled the series.

Cecil: I know, I-I didn’t get to see the technical challenge that episode.

Sam: No. And I-I know it was your favorite show and now it’s gone..

Cecil: Yeah.

Sam: So I’m sorry. Television is a two-way street..

Cecil: Yeah.

Sam: ..and I should have thought about that.

Cecil: That’s right, they can hear us. So I-I, listen, I accept your apology and besides, it’s actually kind of nice not to have the TV on and to get to spend more time with my husband. Yeah.

Sam: And you know I didn’t even mean what meant, what I said. I didn’t even mean what I meant. [chuckles] I didn’t even mean what I meant when I said that thing about Paul Hollywood. I should look at the script, it would be more useful.

Cecil: That’s…

Sam: [chuckles] I think Paul Hollywood does look good in jeans, I mean he’s stepfather hot.

Cecil: Oh wait, please. He’s more like divorced tax accountant dad hot. That’s, you know. Anyway, let’s change the subject. I wanted to speak to you today about the Mink. Now, they are a master of disguise and this has made it impossible for us to find them. Does the Sheriff’s Secret Police have a plan to determine who the Mink is?

Sam: Well, we’ve consulted with experts, and outside of fringe sciences like parapsychology, divination, genetics…

Cecil: Yeah, right.

Sam: Not really, no. But we do have a new law enforcement tool. It’s called the brainwave transposition ray. [long pause, apparently something visual is going on]

Cecil: OK you’re just doing like spirit fingers.

Sam: Not at all. This is the brainwave transposition ray. Sessil, simply put: you point it at a potential criminal, which is to say anybody at all. And it tells you exactly what they’re currently thinking.

Cecil: Whoa!

Sam: Here, I’ll show you how it works. Now there might be Night Vale citizens on the sidewalk outside the studio, I can try it on.

Cecil: OK.

Sam: Let me move over to the window and… weird.

Cecil: What?

Sam: There’s hundreds of people staring at us right now.

Cecil: I know, they’ve been here the whole time. It’s making me nervous, but you know, it’s fine.

Sam: Yeah, creepy.

Cecil: Yeah.

Sam: Well, you see if I point the device right at this person, we should be able to hear their exact thoughts.

Cecil: Mm.

Voice: I like many kinds of animals, but I like sea lions best.

Cecil: Huh.

Sam: I mean doesn’t sound like the Mink…

Cecil: Ah no, no.

Sam: OK, let’s try someone else.

Voice: I forgot to wash the blood off the bath tub, my wife’s gonna kill me. Oh god.

Sam: No, the Mink wouldn’t be married.

Cecil: Yeah, yeah.

Sam: Let’s try…

Voice: Sure hope the Secret Police won’t arrest me for wearing a full disguise and a mask.

Cecil: Whoa! That’s the Mink!

Voice: Cause I’m not wearing a disguise or a mask. I’m just Chris (Brothon) from Night Vale with my usual face and limbs, and my greatest fear is false arrest.

Cecil: Oh. That was very specific.

Sam: Ahem. You know, having a fear of false arrest is highly illegal, so we’ll be by soon to collect you, Chris. Let’s try one more. Do you want to try doing it?

Cecil: Well I oh, I don’t know Sheriff, I mean it’s an amazing device but it does seem rather intrusive. Are you sure it’s safe?

Sam: Yes yes of course come on, try it on me. [loud music, glass shatters]

Cecil: Oh wow. That’s, that’s great. I-I had no idea that that’s what you’re thinking right now.

Sam: Yeah sure, why what do your thoughts sound like?

Cecil: I love my husband. I love my husband. I also agree that sea lions are so cute. So cute! Soo cute!!

Sam: None of that was illegal at all, how disappointing.

Cecil: Yeah I know, I’m sorry. Um, you know but I do hope that you end up arresting Chris later on.

Sam: Well that will cheer me up. Now Sessil, you do help me look on the bright side so thank you and do give me a shout if you find out anything about the Mink.

Cecil: Alright, I will. Thank you, Sheriff Sam!

13. Ascentia Ad

Cecil: And now another word from our sponsors.

[talks very fast] Today’s show is also brought to you by Ascentia. If you’ve ever felt anything at all, there’s Ascentia. Talk to your doctor about Ascentia. Your doctor is a spider, all black eyes and long legs, clinging effortlessly to the wall. Tell your doctor how afraid you are but don’t say anything out loud unless you are (-) [ 0:00:18] paralyzed by your choice of fight or flight. Do not fight your doctor, your doctor is good. They eat a lot of bugs, they’re super helpful. Your doctor is just as afraid of you as you are of them. Do not take Ascentia if you’ve ever seen a dog. Spiritual transcendence is uncommon, but if you find yourself no longer in a physical body, please stop taking Ascentia immediately and contact a medium with a medical training and a Ouija board. Ascentia might cause night (-). Ask your doctor about Canada. Do not take Aponto which is our competitor. Aponto users report high levels of centipedes inside their necks, crawling around right before bed and on first dates. Ascentia is a solar flare, a radioactive magnetic burst that should not be taken with alcohol. Do not breathe for 30 minutes after taking Ascentia.

You’re a person. That’s why there’s…

Ascentia.

14. Deb Returns

Cecil: And now I present to you a major milestone in radio history: the first ever audio only magic shooooow! Yes, yes, yes!

Now listen, I’ve been practicing these tricks perfectly and I have every single one of them down, even the one with the-the doves and the aerial dancers. So, for my first trick, I will take a flamethrower that I have hidden under the… [long pause] OK, listeners, that may have to wait. For some reason, Deb the sentient patch of haze has returned to my studio. What’s up Deb?

Deb: Hello, Cecil! How are you? Oh, doesn’t this place just look a treat? Oh, and all the doves! I love doves! Almost as much as I love horses.

Cecil: Deb, are you OK?

Deb: Cecil, thank you, I’m doing wonderful, how are you? Oh, and isn’t this just the cutest little studio! Is that a safe? Full of secrets? How adorable! I can’t, I won’t, I absolutely will not...

Cecil: You sound a little different or something.

Deb: Well do you know what would make this studio that much more perfect, Cecil? Beautiful crystalline horse figurines. Can’t you just picture them? Oh, all of the sparkly horses! Especially, tsk tsk tsk, on that safe. I bet that safe just has the cutest combination.

Cecil: Oh yeah, it’s super cute, but I don’t see what it has to-

Deb: As a kid, I remember watching the horses drop by my house. Can you believe it, I grew up near a horse farm? “Get inside!” my mother would yell. [shrill voice] “You know you’re allergic!” But how could allergies ever stand up to my love of horses? Say, I bet the inside of that safe is even that much more adorable..

Cecil: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Deb: Can I ju-

Cecil: Love? Deb isn’t capable of love! Oh my god, you’re the Mink!

Deb: Nooo! No!

Cecil: Yes, the Mink has disguised themself as Deb in order to infiltrate my studio!

Deb: That’s not true.

Cecil: Yeah, certain small tells in their behavior indicated that this is not the real Deb!

Deb: No I’m definitely Bed, I mean Deb, excuse me..

Cecil: No wait wait wait, before you go, I just need to have a moment…

15. The Chase

Cecil: Tamika, this is the Mink! [long pause, suspenseful music] And the Mink has just jumped into a 1987 yellow (-) [0:00:22] and raced off, and Tamika is leaping onto her motorcycle and speeding after, and the Sheriff’s Secret Police, who had our station under surveillance, are joining the chase. The Mink has now turned the wrong way down a one way street and is weaving through oncoming traffic, and Tamika is racing up a loading ramp, jumping her bike from rooftop to rooftop, from rooftop to bus stop, and from bus stop to the street. She’s finally hit the ground and she’s only a few feet away from the Mink’s car and they’re swerving back and forth trying to get her to veer off. Watch out, Tamika!

Breaking news: I have just learned that the Mink and their ever increasing search for secrets has started to delve into forbidden and dangerous knowledge. Six security guards at the top secret facility on Oak Street have gone missing, and the entire place was ransacked. This is all according to a spokesperson from the Vague Yet Menacing Government Agency, who looked a lot like my neighbor Madeline, and lives in Madeline’s house but had a sign that says “I’m not Madeline”, so I have no idea where I’m getting any of this information.

Anyway, that spokesperson said that among the classified secrets taken were the truth about who killed JFK, Amelia Earhart’s continued whereabouts, several nuclear codes and what, what, what? That Night Vale resident and actor Lee Marvin died decades ago? But that’s impossible! Like, he’s alive and well, and today is his 30th birthday.

Update on the chase. Tamika has now trapped the Mink’s car at the top of a towering cliff, and the Mink is fleeing on foot, and overhead helicopters of every kind circle, and the Sheriff’s Secret Police secret police cars roar by on a nearby road, and dark clouds are gathering, and there is lightning and thunder and listen, I know it does rain sometimes in the desert but it was, like, sunny 15 seconds ago but this is a really compelling picture that I’m painting for all of you. And the wind is whipping back Tamika’s hair as she sprints after the Mink, who is rearranging their disguise even as they flee, but finally they hit a dead end. It’s a sheer drop on both sides. “There’s no way left to go, Mink!” Tamika shouts into the gusts of wind, and the Mink smiles at her ever so sadly and then – steps backward off the cliff. Now Tamika, not willing to let her (quarry) go so easily – jumps after. Let me get some information on this, this has all gone terribly wrong. But in the meantime,

Let’s check in

On the weather.

16. The Weather

[“Company Man” by Dane Terry, https://daneterry.bandcamp.com/]

17. Where is the Mink

Listeners, I do hope you found that weather report was edifying. I’ve been trying to get any word that I can on Tamika or the Mink, but they both have vanished. The helicopters lost track of them as they fell through the long curtain of rain, and so no one can say what happened next but – that fall was quite long.

This is all my fault. I knew it was dangerous, but I was blind to the dangers that I was asking Tamika to perform, because I wanted to speak with the Mink so badly. And now I fear – we have lost her.

I have never wanted to say these words but.. to the family of Tamika Flynn, I will never forget myself for what I have done, I will never be able to-

Tamika: No, I’m alive! I’m not dead!

Cecil: Tamika, oh Tamika!

Tamika: Hi hi hey hey hey, hey hey hey, I’m down here, no worries.

Cecil: What happened?!

Tamika: Oh, I-I caught the Mink.

Cecil: What?

Tamika: Yeah! They’re right hear.

Cecil: [gasps] [long pause]

Tamika: Yeah, I-I found them.

Cecil: That’s amazing, I’m so impressed!

Tamika: [chuckles] Bam, one Mink caught, I am very good at this.

Cecil: Yeah! No wait, are you positive that’s the Mink though?

Tamika: Yes. Well, I got some intel on their latest disguise, and they’re wearing sunglasses.

Cecil: Uh huh.

Tamika: You can put them over (--) [0:01:33]. They’re wearing a hat.

Cecil: OK, yeah.

Tamika: It’s clean.

Cecil: Yeah, yeah, clean hat. Clean hat Mink, that’s what they call him.

Tamika: And they’re wearing a name tag that says: “Hello, I’m the Mink!”

Cecil: Aaaa, yes, that is some brilliant deduction!

Tamika: I am very smart.

Cecil: Yeah, well done but Tamika, bring them into my studio for just one second before the Secret Police get here, OK?

Tamika: Alright, we’re on our way!

Cecil: Alright, thank you Tamika! Oh, that’s such a relief! Whoa. (But!) You know, it just goes to show that reckless decision making and snap decisions always pay off. And I’m so glad that I turned out to be 100 percent right about this whole situation. Versus how 100 percent wrong about this whole situation I was just a few months ago.

But you know, listen, I’ve gotta confess something to you all, and I hate to do this because I hold myself to high standards both morally and journalistically, but – I lied to you just a tiny little bit on my show, because I didn’t know who was listening. But now I will make it up to you by telling you all the truth. Not all the truth, I’m gonna withhold just a little piece of information, but I’m letting you know upfront that there’s one thing that I cannot tell you.

Listen, I was never seeking the Mink for professional reasons, not because it would make the interview of the century or because I wanted to get them to spill all their secrets on the air, no. I wanted to talk to them because they never spill their secrets, because listeners, I have this secret that I have been holding for two years, and I have to tell someone! And here comes this opportunity to talk to his person that never spills any of their secrets. They’re the perfect keeper of forbidden knowledge. And now, here they are.

Thank you so much, Tamika. Now Mink, I gotta tell you something, you know and I’ve only, I don’t think I’ve ever told anybody. Wait, hold on a sec-

18. Secret Interdlue

[music, audience reacts, no audible dialogue]

19. The Escape

Cecil: Oh no, they’re getting away! Aaaaah. Oh man, uh! Ahhhh. [strained noises] We’ll never catch them now. The Mink has escaped. Now, we as a society, we fear secrets. You know, maybe as a species, if we don’t fear them we look down upon them like secret lies or dirty little secrets, and if someone is not willing to say something out loud, then it must be shameful or evil or somehow incorrect but a secret, it’s not good or bad, it’s just not known and the universe is filled with secrets, like consider a field flush with flowers that humans have not seen in generations. If we don’t know about it, is it a secret or or, or a star in the middle of the galaxy that our telescopes do not reach. We will never know about this star, but it glitters secretly in the heart of the universe or, or something more down to earth and mundane like a, like a person who has never tasted a turnip. Doesn’t know what a turnip tastes like and just refuses to ask anybody or eat a turnip. Is that a secret? I don’t know. What is unknown and what is merely unsaid?

Officials from the Sheriff’s Secret Police, the City Council, and the Vague yet Menacing Government Agency all say that they have plans to catch the Mink and those plans are top secret. And since they’re top secret, the Mink has already learned about them, so they are highly unlikely to work. But you know what? Good luck.

Soon I imagine we will all return to a baseline normal as a town, a little less darkness, a lot less secrets but we’re still us, we’re still Night Vale. You know, there’s an energy in secrets. Who we share them with, who we don’t. And not everybody has a right to know everything about everyone, and our curiosity, it’s not a license. And we don’t have to share every part of ourselves with everyone, there’s no shame in privacy. There is, however, an energy in secrets, there’s a-a fission that happens when you share a secret with somebody. And that secret could be an aspect of love, platonic love or romantic love or the love you owe to yourself, love of every kind. And the biggest secret of all is the universe, one that we will never get to unravel.

I mean, I had a secret, and I needed the Mink to help me carry it. And I know that they’re not going to bow to peer pressure and tell aanybody what I just told them. No matter how many drinks people buy at the bar afterwards and say “Hey, what did he just say to you?” No, they’re gonna keep that secret. You know, secrets can be light. Share them with somebody, don’t share them with somebody, hold them for yourself. I mean I’m not ashamed of my secret, certainly not. Certainly not.

See? There’s an energy in secrets. Especially in secrets that all of you will never get to know.

There is an energy in secrets, and I hope that that energy lifts you.

So stay tuned next for the quiet roar of your secret thoughts, some of which you may some day share.

And for the secret heart of my secret self,

Good night, Night Vale,

Good night.

#live shows #a spy in the desert #thiis is NOT finished yet #sorry #i'll update it in the next few days #but you can get started wtih this

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