#being someone who mostly does line drawings sucks when all glaze and shade do to my knowledge is add a fucking noise filter over images lmao

[kenzan-kiwami]

the things i do to keep myself sane in the office

[sisterhood-sanity]

The Christmas I went bat shit crazy!

If you have already read the purpose and the genesis for this blog you know quite a bit about why and how Sisterhood Sanity exists, but I merely skimmed the surface of the final catalyst for my leaving my profession of 25 years and starting over.  The final proverbial straw was the Christmas I went bat shit crazy!

It should’ve been the happiest, most special Christmas of my life; I was finally with the man of my dreams, my soulmate (as cheesy as that sounds), but this year I was riddled with debilitating anxiety and depression.  I had a job that I should’ve loved; I worked with people that I should’ve cared about; I had students I should’ve adored, but instead I found myself in a constant state of panic.  I could’ve sworn my MS was chewing up my brain. When I went in for a three hour MRI, I expected my brain to light up like a Christmas tree.  When I went into the neuropsychologist, I expected him to say I have the memory of a two-year-old.  Instead, I received the greatest and simultaneously most disturbing reports: no new lesions.  My MS was not only stable, but one of my lesions was shrinking; how is that even possible. My MS is getting better? Maybe the neuropsychologist would be able to shed light on why couldn’t I work, why couldn’t I think and comprehend and create at a higher level like I had been doing for so long. Why was it that had to spend 10 hours every weekend in the basement trying desperately to create curriculum and feeling the panic rise with the tick of each minute on the clock? For the first time, I was seeing less of the man I loved than I did in the four years we dated long-distance.  How could I tell him my job was killing me? How could I tell him I felt that I was going crazy? I felt that I was constantly jousting at windmills getting nowhere, always testy, always disappointed, always slightly angry, but mostly upset. I found I cried at the drop of a hat, me this tough chick (as my best friend says), couldn’t keep her shit together, choking back tears during class.  That should’ve been the happiest Christmas of my life.  And in hindsight...it was...ok the Christmas wasn’t happy, it was scary and unnerving...but that Christmas kicked me in the ass so hard that I turned around to face myself and take my own advice.  

Last June I was chosen to address the Plymouth High School graduating class one last time.  It was serendipitous because as they were starting a new adventure, so was I (ironically I didn’t start my adventure until I hit rock bottom).  I was leaving my job of 19 years to move an hour away and marry the man of my dreams.  I wrote a speech that talked about hope, joy, and adventure, and I forgot to take my own advice.  While grasping at life preservers during Christmas, I happened to re-read the speech and realized these were the words I needed to hear.  These are the words that helped me have the courage to begin again.  I am pasting much of the speech here because I feel the advice I gave the kids and took for myself sets the tone for Sisterhood Sanity.  (I took out the personal remarks meant for the kids, but it is, for the most part, the whole of the message.)  You may recognize some of the phrases, there are very few original thoughts, we are always influenced by the outside, but I have put them together in what I hope is an original way.

We are standing at the precipice of our next adventure...We are both ending and beginning today! It’s a marvelous opportunity to able to begin again…I never thought at the age of 50 I would get a do-over, but I do

and I am going to take advantage of all that I have learned to ensure the next 50 years are the most colorful yet.  A do-over is an amazing gift from the universe.  It’s extremely serendipitous that I stand here today.  While you the class of 2018 are completing your PHS journey, I am also completing my 19-year journey of teaching at PHS. So Instead of being old like me and finding yourself saying “If only I knew then what I know now!”  I want to tell you what I know...and I strongly urge you to use it Now...Don’t wait for a do-over...

My TOP TEN LIFE LESSONS

Number 10

Respect your fears…

acknowledge your fears...but don’t let the fear of failing or disappointing others stop you…fear, as Adam Smith (a graduating student) so wisely discusses in his nature of man essay is simply a catalyst for growth and change

Number 9:

Don’t try to be clever when you should be wise: If you are wise you will know when it’s appropriate to be clever and when it’s not...

Number 8:

Don’t make excuses…no one cares why you didn’t; they only care when you do, so show up...that’s what family and friends do...they just show up

Number 7:

Be silly, be kind, be honest...Don’t be afraid to be silly..silliness brings laughter and laughter is a barometer of happiness...laugh a lot…be kind to yourself...haters are going to hate no matter what...so don’t let them suck potential joy from your life...most importantly, always be honest with yourself...if you’re not...WHO else will be

Number 6:

Learn from your mistakes...You are what you make yourself. So learn lessons from your mistakes...the first being to not make the same mistake twice...that’s stupidity…

Number 5:

Don’t settle for almost right…You only cheat yourself when you justify that which isn’t totally right for you...you know when you are cheating yourself when you can’t look yourself in the mirror...and If you can’t look yourself in the eye....no one else will be able to either...

Number 4:

Wake up every morning as if something wonderful is going to happen: While unfortunately, you won’t get to spend part of your day in my classroom any more... there is still a world of wonderful out there for you...so look for it...to grab...enjoy it...savor it

Number 3:

All the universe conspires to help you achieve your goal

But you have to listen to the messages along the way…go through life confidently knowing the universe wants you to win...wants you to achieve...and you will...if you trust your instincts and listen to the messages....if you trust that You are where you are meant to be

Number 2:

Enjoy the journey…Short cuts may get you to your destination faster...but you’ve missed the adventure...you can’t take short cuts through difficulties...you learn from the adventure of them

And my Number 1 life lesson:

Make your life Colorful: draw your world

Dr. Seuss used a  rainbow of hues that tickled the imagination but even he had to start with the three primary colors...he had to open his mind to all the possibilities...to all of the thinks he could think

Life is not a box of chocolates...it is box with 64 crayons with a sharpener in the back.  Use them as a child does...with a glazed look of wonder when they are new, but not afraid to break a tip or tear back the paper to sharpen one.

Pour the crayons out and look at them...it’s ok if they aren’t in perfect rainbow symmetry…they were made to be used, so use them...share them...create with them…color your world with them…don’t settle for an “invisible” boat...and if you insist on only using black and white then at least use some shading…

We love children’s drawings with shimmering green clouds and rainbow striped beasts...we crave Dr. Suessian drawings...not because of their stylistic genius...but because of their honesty and openness...because of their ability to see what isn’t there...their ability to tangibly reflect the vastness of imagination and wonder.   

Don’t leave an inch on the page of your life colorless...don’t let fear stop you from coloring outside the lines…

I am in no way suggesting that you cut off your nose to spite your face..but think the deep thoughts...imagine the impossible...soar for your personal goal….don’t restrict your life to someone else’s defined red rose…Take what you have learned and use it, change it, embellish on it…don’t be satisfied with a red rose any more…make a purple poke a dotted wiggley giggle that sways under a fluorescent orange sky and when someone looks at your paper and says that’s not what it’s supposed to look like….ask the Nosey Nancy...why not?  

Always ask why….suck the marrow of life….just don’t choke on the bone.

Albert Einstein said “Imagination is more important than information,” Live with this truth so that when the drawing of your life is finished…

Your crayons are broken and sharpened down to nubs, with frayed paper wrappings, and the cover of the box is hanging precariously by one corner and the sharpener is a kaleidoscope of crayon shavings.  

Let’s color our world together as we celebrate being us. As we celebrate our sisterhood.  And hopefully, retain our sanity along the way.

If we all colored our world with joy and wonder and imagination...what a world it would be…

How are you going to color your world today?