nyrator - Tumblr blog

[nyrator]

Finally did some art again..

Trying to make a character that's both a nyan but not necessarily Lave, basically something a little more experimental and detached from my personal "canon" so I can be more creative without feeling too much pain from how close it is to me..

Will it work? Probably not, but may as well try. Been in a huge funk lately in terms of art and purpose and fulfillment and all those thing, aha..

[nyrator]

I haven't been reblogging much art here, have I.. to be fair, still feel ashamed of a lot of my art recently.

But it's My Melo's birthday and thus have a My Melo nyan~

[nyrator]

I wish I could ramble about the nyan complex without sounding like a freak... or just draw it without second guessing myself so much (or stop drawing it entirely and actually be able to think of better ways to make vent art other than things that inflict severe mental damage to me specifically..)

I really hope that stuff doesn't ruin Rotten Nyan for people and I hope it's not always so invasive..

[nyrator]

Got the Rotten Nyan tumblr queued up with art I've neglected to post on there.. keeping a few more sketchy doodley art still on Twitter/the website, but should be all up a little after midnight my time~

... still feel really self conscious with the kind of content I've been making vent art of lately, please don't be afraid to message me with any concerns or criticisms... I tried tagging it all with a custom warning tag (that way it won't nuke the post, I think...) hopefully that's enough... if not hopefully people let me that as well

In other life news, I'm seeing a therapist, got a job, etc~ More in the cut

So, yeah. Life.

Still a vtuber, but feels like I've stalled lately... Not in terms of growth (if anything I keep growing), but in terms of motivation. I have a list of games to play, but I just can't focus on playing games anymore, it's rough.. mostly do zatsus, but even those are pretty hit or miss and sometimes I spiral into really dumb personal unprofessional rambles...

My art commissions are picking up- more than I can handle, honestly... My clients have gotten pretty big and it's getting me recognition, I have a few big offers in store once I can get around to them and I'm excited about it... but commissions are hard. I'm going to raise prices in January, and I try to accept five a month... but I can't keep up. I can't even do one a month it feels like... And yet I keep getting dozens of requests..

So in spite of this, because of my own doing and lack of doing, I've been bleeding a lot of money. I'm at a dangerous point of money... so I finally got a seasonal job at a local chocolate shop.

Haaaaaaaa.....

It's rough... I was in a huge depression over it, and I still don't want to work... The people are nice, the hours are light, and the pay is better than expected, but it's still so stressful... My social anxiety is terrible lately, it makes me want to curl into a ball and cry. I can't stand it, I can't stand being seen, I can't focus or memorize anything on the register, I can't handle dealing with customers or fast-paced environments...

They say the season lasts until Easter because of the nature of the store, but maybe I'll leave after Christmas time if it doesn't work out.. It's really a pain, and also could affect things like my food stamps and subsidized rent. Plus, the gas I have to spend, the clothes I had to buy, etc etc.. I wonder if it'll be worth it (probably, but nyeh)

I'm in need of money, though... one, my phone is on its last legs. The battery barely lasts an hour, it's very slow and unresponsive, and the 32 GB of storage is becoming more and more unwieldy.. Going to maybe buy one tonight...

My throat is also been a mess lately- I've had trouble swallowing, to the point I was unable to eat anything without a 50-50 chance of just choking on it. Drinking water was like waterboarding, it was like I was drowning. After raising my mattress, it's helped a lot, but not entirely, so I think it's something to do with scarring thanks to acid reflux- been trying to get an endoscopy for a year and finally have one scheduled in mid December. I'm worried how much it might cost.. hoping insurance covers it, but I still had to pay almost a thousand for my colonoscopy a few years back, which terrifies me...

Other small things- items I'd like to own, taking care of Bootsie (she's fine but overdue for a checkup and she's like 13 years old), etc.

But yeah, therapy. Also started taking that- we're trying to avoid me taking any medication, but I'm afraid I might need it.. I see her every week and I've been going since early October, and she seems like a decent therapist- she's the same age as me and understands a lot of internet culture, which.. is weird to talk to someone like that who "gets it" (she's a cosplayer, for example, and knows of vtubers), but it's nice.

Been reliving a lot of past stuffs... Been trying to improve, had some good phases, but fell back apart recently and not sure how far I can really get... keeping my apartment clean is hard, feeding myself is hard, drawing and doing anything is hard. I don't watch any media these days besides some indie vtubers I know, I don't really do much of anything but be depressed.

My biggest issue, as always, is my complex/trauma/whatever you want to call it... I've started trying to embrace it the past year. I've openly admitted to it, I made an alternate Twitter account for vent art of it, etc. But it makes me hate myself so much... It's become an addiction it feels like. Do I let it consume me and fully embrace it, even though it will push people away and make people think worse of me? Even though it will attract strange people who want creepy things from me? Even though it's expensive and gross and exhausting and uncomfortable to manage?

Or do I try to quit cold turkey? Get it all out of my system, and then never talk about it again. Delete the vent account, stop drawing it, stop being paranoid without things to take care of it, and just move on. I don't know. It's a part of me. But I hate it. And I really hate myself for it, it's my biggest tool to hate myself with.

But I've tried to embraced it, and that's what the RN update will have, and I apologize for it. I don't know how to move forward now. Therapy reopened a lot of thoughts about it- it really is a weird trauma, and a lot of it stems from my childhood... I want it gone. I want to be okay and not hurt myself mentally...

But such is life I supposeee. Again, I apologize that most of my art lately has been venting about it.. even if I embrace it, I don't want to be exclusively that kind of artist, you know? It's just one of many aspects. But it's invasive. And I don't want it to be invasive, but I don't know how to handle it.

The main goal of therapy is to get me drawing again. To give me what I've lost- a drive and motivation to continue. It feels like I just go through the motions when I draw. It's awful. I can't picture anything, no ideas. Rotten Nyan is completely stagnant lately. I don't know what to do about it. Life is just empty and depressing, it feels like. I gave up on myself, and now I don't know how to un-give up. But that's what therapy's for. Hopefully it helps... She brought up medication again, and I wonder if I should try it at this rate...

My anxiety is very bad. I end up relying on my complex trauma coping methods a lot when anxious. It's embarrassing and gross. And it just fuels my anxiety more using those things. I can't stand driving, or being around people, or crowded situations. I can't handle stress, or excitement, or being praised, or anything. My nerves are shot and I just have to curl into a ball. I don't know how I'm going to improve, but I have to try...

And then my focus, which I just can't focus at all anymore.. I don't know if it's depression/anxiety, ADHD, or what, but I just can't focus at all. It's awful. Very forgetful, very not-able-to-draw.

Otherwise, not much different. Got the new Nagata Kabi manga (I still worry about her a lot... she's so relatable though, she speaks to me, but she flares my anxiety like crazy too...) Still obsessed with my Disney anime boy gacha game, it's great, Vil's great. Vil, Cater, Lilia, Jade... so many good characters....

I guess that's all for now. Hope everyone has a happy thanksgiving- will keep doing what I can to try to improve.

And again, I'm really sorry about my art output and that most of it is just gross vent art about a gross personal trauma... I'm sorry...

[nyrator]

Aaaaaaaa thank you Jammy, I love this so much..

Happy late birthday @nyrator

[nyrator]

hii, so, i am currently trying to make a yume nikki fangame and i saw a really old (6 years old) post of yours and you talked about "releasing an English version of Yume Nikki’s coding eventually". did that ever happen? and if you're comfortable sharing, do you have the file / link for that? By the way it was really cool browsing ur blog (ive never used tumblr before), also saw your most recent post, even though idk you personally, hope you're doing well! (thank u for your tutorials)

That I did! I didn't really advertise it much, but here ya go! (for some reason I thought I edited the post with the link, I should do that..)

I never fully finished it so stuff like filenames were never translated, but hopefully it's a lot more readable now to help understand how the programming works

And thank you so muchh, glad you enjoyed it! I be hanging in there, aha.. thank you again

[nyrator]

I hope you're doing well. <3

Thank you, I be hanging in there.. A rough time mentally, but life just keeps going day by day

For a general life update for everyone: Kinda want to use this site more, but just not sure what I'd use it for.. Rambling time~

(tl;dr: anxiety's a butt, going traveling and cosplaying and will finally be seeing a therapist in a few monthss)

I've been in a huge art rut lately and just struggle with coming up with ideas what to draw, and have a lot of insecurities about the content of my past few pictures (which I think are against guidelines here so I probably won't post them on the RN tumblr after all.. I did update the website with all current images at least, but I still feel sick thinking about what I've made and regret it..)

Was in a huge wave of depression the past few weeks, but slowly climbing back out of it.. Still jobless and living off of being a vtuber on Twitch and art commissions, which is a struggle, but I'm just managing to scrape by- definitely been feeling the burnout, though..

Also going traveling across the country next week- meeting up with some online friends and going with them to a con, got a cosplay made and everything to go as my husbando Mizuno Yuu (I'd prefer a better cardigan, though.. the one I got was more yellow than I'd hoped and the only decent alternative I've found on Uniqlo won't be in stock in time, I think)

Still anxious about it, though.. will be gone for ten days, my social anxiety is very bad, and I'll be in an unfamiliar place hanging with people for the first time for ten days.. I'm not really interested in the con at all and I'm pretty scared about going, but will try to just keep my brain turned off and try to have a good time.

But yeah, otherwise just existing and floating around day by day- haven't been able to do much of anything and it really gets to me.. My anxiety has been so severe that it interferes with everything and I can't even think of doing anything because of it- anything can give me a bad panic attack these days, and I'm too afraid to take medication to treat it just yet, though I think it's needed at this point.

However, I did get a new primary doctor earlier this month, and they were able to find me a therapist for depression/anxiety and a nutritionist to see for my eating disorder- I'll be interviewed for that once I get back from my trip, so hopefully those go well..

[nyrator]

I should really post more here, huh...

Have some random favorite images I've compiled over the past several weeks~ Feel free to judge my tastes accordingly.

[nyrator]

Art for my wonderful friend @nyrator !

Check out Ny's streams at twitch.tv/nyrator ! (And Ny's art at @dr-nyrator )

[nyrator]

Gift art for @dr-nyrator. Tried a different method of coloring.

[nyrator]

Hey, i know this seems out of nowhere, but would you happen to know how Yume 2kki made its computer menu?

Sadly I have not played 2kki, so I have no idea. If I had to guess on how to do a basic computer interface at least, it'd probably be something like one of two things:

-Use a bunch of picture events, having the cursor be the player (using pixel-based movement events, you can look up tutorials online for them)

Or

-Use a whole new map, have the cursor be the player and each clickable icon its own event tile that you can interact with the Action Key while standing on top of it. Slower, but probably easier.

[nyrator]

I've been following you for maybe seven or eight years. Over the past couple years I would see your art and feel uncomfortable with it sometimes. I didn't understand it. Tonight I read your webcomic, and tonight I want to tell you that your story opened my eyes. I see a human who has suffered and struggled immensely and still chooses to wake up each day. Thank you for teaching me about the resilience and strength of your spirit. Keep up your efforts. You deserve true love and understanding, and I know it's out there for you.

Thank you very much, anon...

First off, I do apologize to you and anyone else who might be uncomfortable around the content I make- I encourage people to always cater their feeds to what they want to see, and please don't be afraid to filter or unfollow my content as you see fit if it ever becomes too much- taking care of yourself is important, I don't take that stuff personally.

But yes, thank you so much for your kind words... I'm just living day by day and continuing to continue on. My mental health... isn't the best at times, but at the same time, it's come a long way from what it used to be for sure.

[nyrator]

You're doing a great job, I hope there is lessened shame for you from here on out

I'm glad to be mutuals with you on here your art is still as fantastic as ever

Thank you so much, anon.. That really means a lot.

I still need to figure out boundaries when it comes to speaking about it publicly and when making art of it (I'm still scared of pushing people away because of it or giving a weird impression to strangers, aha..), but I'm extremely thankful people have been super supportive over it..

[nyrator]

Sleepy nyan arttt

Finally drew something for myself again.. but have been getting a lot of commissions recently, which is nice.

Originally this was vent art, but this is the safe to post publicly version

[nyrator]

Picky

[nyrator]

Decided to raise my prices a little bit (and advertise my Vroid Commissions), aha...

I feel bad raising them, but money is tight and work is hard..

New commission prices

[nyrator]

My Nyan art summary for 2022

12 drawings, including some stream PNGs, compared to 30 from last year...

Got a lot of commissions done, at least..