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[firawren]

May the Firth 2024

Here's what I watched with Colin Firth in it during this May, ranked by his sexiness, not movie quality, and with a handy guide to how often he wears white shirts and whether he gets wet, since that's his Thing.

The Last Legion

Sexiness score: 7. Grimy!Colin is not as sexy as refined!Colin, but he's still pretty hot. And he has a sexy sword fight with Aishwarya Rai Bachchan, who played the Elizabeth-equivalent in Bride and Prejudice, which I am tickled by. But I still cannot recommend watching this movie.

White shirt amount: 80% but it's mostly covered up

Wet: ✅

Rye Lane

(Okay technically I cheated and only watched the Colin Firth cameo in this movie...)

Sexiness score: 5 because he's scruffy and sad but you can see his nipples through his t-shirt and he's making burritos and burritos are sexy

White shirt amount: 0% but I could argue a Love Guac'tually t-shirt is even sexier than a white shirt

Dorian Gray

Sexiness score: 4. He's a scummy person, and I'm not a fan of facial hair on Colin, but he does wear a lot of nice suits and do a lot of sexy smirking.

White shirt amount: 98%, but they're always covered up with like 12 layers of other Victorian clothing so it's wasted booo

Easy Virtue

Sexiness score: 3. Awful personality, clothes, and hair, but he saves it in the end by wearing a tuxedo and doing a sexy tango. (Side note: I do not like him playing Ben Barnes's dad because I am the same age as Ben Barnes and I do not like being reminded that I could technically be Colin Firth's child.)

White shirt amount: 15%

Fever Pitch

Sexiness score: 3. He's an annoying frumpy loser and I don't get why the FMC goes back to him. But I'll give him a couple points for having wonderfully floppy hair and getting to see him in silly boxer shorts. I would have given him even more points if he had kissed Mark Strong.

White shirt amount: 2%

That's it for 2024! I was dealing with a health problem this month, so didn't get to watch as much as I wanted. But over the course of my life, I have now watched 35 of Colin Firth's 91 acting credits on IMBD.

Here are my 2022 and 2021 roundups of Colin Firth movies!

[firawren]

EASY VIRTUE (2008) dir. Stephan Elliott 

[firawren]

So I just watched Easy Virtue, and I relate to Larita because I, too, would divorce my husband and run off with his father if I had married Colin Firth’s son

[firawren]

Trick or treat

You get one of Sir Walter Elliot's looking glasses (mirrors)! Hopefully he doesn't miss this one. He has so many...

If you've submitted an ask, your treat is in the queue!

[firawren]

The fact that Pride and Prejudice isn't in Colin Firth's "known for" section on his IMDB page, when the headline of his obituary someday will read, "Mr. Darcy, aka the actor Colin Firth, has died," is so funny to me.

[firawren]

Sir Walter Elliot, man who would use moisturizer and have a 10 step skin care routine. You would have loved the anti wrinkles straw.

[firawren]

COME ONE, COME ALL to the MOSTE ILLUSTRIOUS TOURNAMENT of the FINEST, the MOSTE PUISSANT and HOTTEST MEN MEDIEVAL MEDIA HAS TO ITS CREDIT.

Be it known that we shall accept submissions of the hottest men OF THE PEOPLES’ CHOOSING from any live-action TV or movie media property set between the Years of Our Lorde 500 – 1550 (Tudors WELCOME!!), and any fantasy properties which emulate said period!

KNOW ALSO that we, by the grace of this fine hellsite and with the counsel of the moste honorable and illustrious @hotvintagepoll (many thanks), have made

THESE GUIDELINES here given:

ANY HOT GUY who appears in any movie or TV show released in ANY YEAR, from ANY COUNTRY, shall be deemed eligible for entry. Below are listed examples of eligible properties. If YE BE NOT CERTAIN whether your hot guy is eligible, submit him anyway!

Examples of Eligible Properties: The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-03), Game of Thrones (2011-19) House of the Dragon (2022), Wolf Hall (2015-2024), The Tudors (2007-2010), Ladyhawke (1985), The Princess Bride (1987), The White Queen (2013), Rise of Empires: Ottoman (2020-2022), Vikings (2013-2020), The Last Kingdom (2015-2022), Diriliş: Ertuğrul (2014), A Knight’s Tale (2001), BBC’s Robin Hood (2006-3009), The Last Duel (2021), The Story of Minglan (2018), The Borgias (2013), Robin Hood (1939), Outlaw King (2018), Pilgrimage (2017), Legend (1985), Braveheart (1995), The Green Knight (2021), Excalibur (1981), Beowulf & Grendel (2005), The Lion in Winter (1968), Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993), The Black Adder (Blackadder Series 1, 1982)

Remember: This is just a list of examples—WOW ME!

These following titles are examples of properties that do not fall within or emulate the stated time period and therefore DO NOT QUALIFY: The Three Musketeers (Any Version), Pirates of the Caribbean (2004), Barbarians (2020), Gladiator (2000), Ben Hur (1959), Shogun (2024), Elizabeth (1999), 300 (2006), Troy (2004), Xena: Warrior Princess (1995-2001), Disney's Robin Hood (1973)*, Yojimbo (1961), Shakespeare in Love (1998)

If you have propaganda you forgot to include in your submission, just hold onto it and send it in an ask after the Tournament begins.

You may submit as many hot men as you like but please submit only ONE ENTRANT per submission.

Do not hesitate to submit ANY hot guy you think may qualify, no matter how popular he is. There is no such thing as a shoo-in with these tournaments. If you think "Someone MUST have submitted him already!" Everyone else is probably thinking that too and then he may well NEVER get submitted and we don't want that.

Do not worry about how many submissions your hot guy might have had already--I need to get a sense of who the strongest contenders are in order to fairly seed the draws, and the best way to do that is volume of submissions.

We are voting on the hotness of the characters. While the actors who portray them are of course a major factor in this, we are not voting on the actors themselves, therefore propaganda pertaining to the actors real lives (aside from anecdotes relating to their portrayal of the character) is not admissible.

By that same token, in the case of historical figures (e.g. Henry VIII) we are judging hotness based on the fictionalized portrayals of them in these properties, not on historical fact.

SUBMISSIONS SHALL REMAIN OPEN FOR ONE MONTH FROM THIS DATE (27 May, 2024)

The Tourney shall begin at a date yet to be determined with the Melee (Qualifying Rounds), wherein the entrants with the fewest submissions and least propaganda will duke it out in a free for all brawl to determine who will enter the Lists.

SUBMIT YOUR ENTRANTS HERE TODAY!!!

-- Master of Revels

* this one doesn't qualify, not because it isn't the right time period, but because it's animated. I know we were all weirdly attracted to fox!Robin but that's not what we're here for.

[firawren]

Actually, making a post for my own tags becausr this:

Is definitely a thing.

I see this take so so often, people saying NA is great because Catherine is sooo silly with her "obsession" with gothic stories and the whole novel is making fun of her for it and a modern adaption should absolutely have her be into [insert random "cringe" fandom].

That rant is right there. The novel has several pages dedicated to the fact that there is NO shame in reading novels, that people aren't better for reading "proper" literature and that there's nothing wrong with reading for fun.

What makes people think that the authoress, the narrative or the reader should point and laugh at Catherine for enjoying novels?!

Because the novel isn't making fun of that at all. It pokes fun at the genre convention and how, according to these very same conventions, Catherine is a terrible horrible no good very bad heroine because... She's just a normal girl.

It's not "Oh she was trying so hard to be heroine, doing everything a heroine ought yet failing every time", it's "a proper heroine would have had these very proper, heroic hobbies, yet OUR heroine never even thought of them"

It's "if this were a proper novel with a proper heroine, she would now faint dramatically/cut the hero for this brutish behaviour/assume the worst, but alas, OUR heroine is boring 😑 and thus she only did the sensible thing. Terrible."

Yes we are supposed to smile at Catherine and her eager enthusiasm, her open, innocent nature and genuine love for life. At the way she stumbles through society and, without ever meaning to, manages to end up in the midst of drama. And yes, we are to shake our heads and go "Oh Catherine, oh no, just no, Catherine no"... several times, actually. The narration does, too.

But it's a fond smile. A gentle one. The same smile Colonel Brandon has for Marianne. The indulgent smile of those who know the ways of the world, yet enjoy watching those yet unspoilt by them.

Not once does the narration ridicule Catherine, least of all for enjoying novels, and I doubt that the reader is supposed to, either. And one would think that a massive break of the 4th wall right in the novel itself would be enough to make that point. But apparently not.

[firawren]

Colin Firth as Aurelius in The Last Legion (2007)

[firawren]

What is your headcanon or idea about Adam’s family? With Adam parents there are a lot of options:both dead (accident,war or illness),abandoned him to the servants cause “yeah he’s like our plan Z In case we need him as new ruler”,abandoned to keep him safe,abandoned him when he became a beast (didn’t hesitate to point a gun at him) or whatever “this kid was the results of my husband/wife cheating”

(Sorry for the delay, this got lost in my drafts!)

I don't have a strong headcanon about them. I'm open to any ideas anyone has. In my fic "Transformation," they're both dead, but that's just what worked for that story. The only one of those you mentioned that doesn't really make sense to me is that they abandoned the prince after he became a beast, but otherwise, yeah, lots of possibilities!

One other thing to point out is that I do have a strong headcanon that the prince was an adult, or nearly so, when cursed, so it becomes less weird for his parents to not be there if he's not a child. Maybe that's why I'm not so bothered coming up with one single headcanon for them being gone.

What do you think happened to them?

[firawren]

I love this part of Persuasion, everything is the best about it:

"but I should think, Miss Elliot," (looking with serious reflection), "I should think he must be rather a dressy man for his time of life. Such a number of looking-glasses! oh Lord! there was no getting away from one's self. So I got Sophy to lend me a hand, and we soon shifted their quarters; and now I am quite snug, with my little shaving glass in one corner, and another great thing that I never go near."

Anne, amused in spite of herself, was rather distressed for an answer, and the Admiral, fearing he might not have been civil enough, took up the subject again, to say--"

Anne wants to be respectful of her father but she is trying not to laugh. Six mirrors! I wonder how much that cost? Is this why Kellynch has fallen into debt? How is Sir Walter surviving in Bath without his flock of mirrors? I love it!

[firawren]

You are 100% correct. Ugh. Edmund.

I will once again recommend the book Unfairly Caught: A Mansfield Park Variation by @bethanydelleman for folks who want Fanny and Henry to end up together in a realistic way.

And I'll recommend the fic "I Give You My Word" by Daisy_Rivers (not sure if they're on Tumblr) if you want great Fanny/Henry smut.

Mark me as a fake Jane Austen fan because despite knowing Henry Crawford is an absolute rake and definitely the bad guy I was more interested in him and Fanny's relationship than her and Edmund's.

[firawren]

What do we think happened when Mr. and Mrs. Collins showed up at Lady Catherine's house to drink tea and explained that Elizabeth stayed at home alone with a headache?

Did Darcy excuse himself immediately? That would have looked super suspicious, at least to Charlotte. Not that I think he would have cared if anyone guessed what he was going to do, because he was certain Elizabeth would say yes, so in his mind, they're all going to know about the proposal in like an hour anyway.

Or did Darcy drink tea with the group for maybe 10 minutes, hyping himself up to go propose—now's your chance, you can do this!—and then abruptly be like "Well thanks for the tea! See ya!" and rush out of there? This would also be very confusing to his companions, though maybe not as suspicious. Is this more or less rude than excusing himself from tea right at the beginning? It seems more rude to my modern sensibilities, but who knows.

I feel another P&P missing scene ficlet coming on...

[firawren]

Chapter one of my beauty and the beast story is now publicly available!