d1s0rd3r3d-l0s3r - Tumblr blog

[d1s0rd3r3d-l0s3r]

They saw my most recent sc4rs and now they're trying to give me things

Like trying to buy me stuff

I hate it. I hate that they feels the need to keep me happy

I hate that they keep asking if I'm alright

I hate that they know I'm not clean

I hate knowing they don't sleep because they think ill do something to myself

Why do I have to let them down

They didn't even catch the cuts just that one arms scars are white and the other isnt

They talk about tattoos and stuff, skin grafts

Hell a while bsck even that when they die I should have their tattoos, their skin, i get it isnt even possible but it makes me feel so sick

I wish I could stop hurting them but whenever they see my scars I know they think about it, I can feel the judgement and disappointment and worry

They shouldn't have to worry that I'll kmz

That if they say no to me I'll cvt myself

Cause I won't

I may want to die But I can't let them bury me and its the only thing keeping me going

I can't let them find my body, or get a call or a knock on the door

I can't help being weird after they say no about anything, but it's not that I want them to say yes it's that I can feel the judgement

That they think I'm stupid and should never have asked

That they're observing the body language

But I don't want them to say yes, I want them to say no and to know I'm okay with it

It's simple boundaries, why do I subconsciously make it difficult

And how do I change if I can't even remember how to act normal in those situations

Its not that I want them to change their awnser:(

[d1s0rd3r3d-l0s3r]

TO EVERYONE WITH AN ED/SH BLOG

please make sure to:

hide your likes and follows

discourage searching for your blog

hide your blog from people who dont have an acc

you can do this in your blog settings

[d1s0rd3r3d-l0s3r]

They should invent a way to kill yourself that doesn’t disappoint anyone

[d1s0rd3r3d-l0s3r]

I need to keep telling myself it’s not normal to look at sharp objects and wonder how it would feel to cut my skin open with them

[d1s0rd3r3d-l0s3r]

Fucking dumbass can't even cook an egg

No life skills, no talents

Tf am I still doing here??

Anyway good thing I can't cook an egg, why would my fat ass need an egg

Should just kill myself tbh like sorry but what is the point of living like this

I'm untalented, all I ever do is fuck things up and hurt people.

My life means nothing, maybe a few people would miss me but they'd probably get over it. All I do is hurt people. I'm sick, mentally, physically, I'm wrong in the head, my body is wrong. I am wrong. You'd chuck out something if it was broken, you'd not give it a second chance.

Not trying to bait ppl mind - this is a personal diary type tumblr alongside shblr so ignore, block, I don't really care.

[d1s0rd3r3d-l0s3r]

I was contemplating not killing myself right now now my fucking period started I wanna die😭😭 I've been waiting like 70 days n now when I'm not ready, like mentally ready it starts.

Wish I was dead, this isn't supposed to be happening to me. This isn't supposed to be happening

[d1s0rd3r3d-l0s3r]

Why is it I either get 10+ hours of unbroken sleep where nothing can wake me, or I can't sleep at all no matter how hard I try 💀 pls just a normal sleep schedule is all I ask

[d1s0rd3r3d-l0s3r]

ive been putting off my attempt for so long, i dont think i can anymore

[d1s0rd3r3d-l0s3r]

The only reason I’m alive is because I’m too indecisive to choose my method

[d1s0rd3r3d-l0s3r]

it’s sad that some people think that suicide is selfish

yet i have to stay alive and suffer bc i don’t want to make my family/friends sad and miserable

it’s so difficult not to attempt when you’re just so done with your life

[d1s0rd3r3d-l0s3r]

I was a fucking idiot to think things would get better!!!

[d1s0rd3r3d-l0s3r]

after over a decade of sh i still dont properly know why i do

i just know its something i do,

cutting just feels so natural.

like its the only thing i was made todo yk??

[d1s0rd3r3d-l0s3r]

Criticised for being quiet

But also not aloud a thought for myself

I'm 16 yet not allowed outside unless I plan it in advance

Even then, if anyone has plans I have to cancel

Funny thing is it's my fault for not going out too!! I'm not aloud! But don't worry cause you can always shame me to others cause I never leave!

You gave me more trust and respect as a kid, at 14. Hell you let me leave by myself then. Why not now?

Why don't I get to have a life now, why have you separated me from my friends. I did the school bit and ruined that myself yeah. But now?

Not even aloud to go into the mf garden man what's the point in that.

Might aswel kill myself if I'm honest, sorry but tf is the point in living trapped in this shitty house.

I wrote a note up yesterday

This autocorrect shit is gonna make me smash my phone. I can't do this anymore lmao. What's the point living if I'm trapped here.

[d1s0rd3r3d-l0s3r]

Ok so if this paranoia disappeared I'd be 100% down w that

[d1s0rd3r3d-l0s3r]

Spoke 2 someone other than immediate family irl for the first time in over a month

I laughed and want to die

But nae cause my parent lied + said I cried and now I'm acc gonna cry

[d1s0rd3r3d-l0s3r]

No matter what I do I can’t be pretty like others. The only thing I wish for is to be like them. I wish to be different, pretty, skinny, breathtaking. I wish to be anyone but me.

[d1s0rd3r3d-l0s3r]

What if I just end my whole existence right now, right here? No one would expect it, no one would know. It could be really hilarious.