#yapping about relationship stuff again you've been warned

[gettothestabbing]

It is very puzzling to me

how many female friends have told me, as a method of reassuring me about being dumped via text, "He'll come back to you."

I don't want him to??

Outside of the specific context of him wanting to mend our relationship and apologizing for his unkind behavior and failure to communicate, I'm not even interested in speaking to him. And even in that context, I would just let him down gently, because there are unsustainable differences in our values that keep me from marrying/continuing to date him.

Just because my feelings were hurt by the breakup doesn't mean I'm pining for him. I know myself well enough to tell the difference between "I don't want to be single again / I don't like being blamed when someone else messes up" and "I'll never love again, he was the ONE"

Actually, I've moved on so hard that I'm now (1) going on a second date with someone else I met on eHarmony and (2) feeling kinda bad about it because I started crushing on a recently-dumped/mid-divorce coworker who I've become better friends with recently.

Which is, like, a whole other can of worms. My sis said that it's not wrong to date other people when the person you like is unavailable. But it still feels a bit wrong. I don't date for fun, I date to find a husband. If I don't feel like a relationship can become a marriage, I stop pursuing it, and I try to be upfront about that with the men I date.

Current ways this could go:

Dates go well, end up with new guy, stay friends with coworker and ignore crush until it goes away

Dates don't go well, stay friends with coworker and ignore crush until it goes away

Dates don't go well, stay friends with coworker, eventually my crush becomes mutual and we marry in our shared faith tradition and have adorable children

You can probably tell which one I'm quietly hoping for, and also which is the least likely. It's so rare to meet a guy who is CS AND conservative AND close in age AND lives near me. Plus he's smart and cute and a cat person and fun to talk to??? Who allowed this.

I actually had a crush on him when we first met a year ago at work. But as soon as he mentioned his wife, my brain turned off the crush, and I was so glad for that. And then his wife decided to divorce him because she's been cheating on him, and all he wants is someone to talk through it all with. He has decided I am that person. So I've gotten to know him way better than I ever did before the divorce. And he's kind of perfect in almost every way.

I hate myself for crushing on him right now. I'm working very hard to never ever act weird or indicate it to anyone. (I swore the friend who guessed to absolute secrecy, but she ships us anyway.) It makes me feel like a creep to like him when I just went through a breakup and while he's going through a messy divorce and some other personal stuff. But it also makes perfect sense that, as soon as I learned he was technically not single, my crush circuit turned back on.

Honestly, I'm grateful for the opportunity to talk to him more. I am learning a lot about being a good friend these past few years. That should be expanded to men again. Just because I had weird experiences with male friends in college doesn't mean I can never have a male friend again.

I'm just not going to focus on these feelings. I want to be a good friend to him. Wherever the crush gets in the way of that, it must be suppressed or redirected. i can keep working on self-improvement, on my career, and on helping out with family and community stuff. There are so many important things to do, good things that glorify God and help people tangibly. As much as I cherish and desire becoming a wife and mother, I know that these things do not and should not come first, especially not right now. And if I ever get to be either of these things, I will be grateful for the work I put in now to be better at those roles (by becoming healthier, a better friend, and a more well-rounded person).

[goldfades]

could you write some Caitlin hc?

𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐏 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐒 ─ CC²²

─ warnings | fluff, mention of arguing/VERY SLIGHT ANGST, best friends to lovers, just a bunch of yap... sorry in advance <3

─ taglist | @xocherishxo @iienstein @yazmunson @euphternal @hello-nah817 @wanderlusturous @plushkhiii @ilovepaigebueckerss @ajcuteee @vi0lentb3rry @paigeszn @brynsreads @delicateray and here's a link to my taglist if anyone would like to join!!

PRE-RELATIONSHIP

i feel like caitlin just gives off childhood best friends to lovers + high school sweethearts, like you guys knew each your entire lives and were like super duper close

and then one day it kinda just like hit caitlin like SHE IS **IN LOVE** WITH YOU

she's definitely the first one to "catch feelings"

i use that term VERY loosely because both of you guys were idiots and didn't realize you'd loved each other the first time you met

but she's the first one to realize it

which i feel like would cause a slight rift between you two because up until that point, it was "platonic"

she just wouldn't know how to go about her feelings and it would just stress her out, so she just began to distance herself

and in the years you've known her SHE'S NEVER DONE THAT TO YOU, so obviously you notice

and you try and talk to her about it but she reassures you and tells you it's nothing, that she's just stressed about school

which you don't buy so you just keep bugging her about it, cause she's ur best friend ur not about to lose her!!

eventually you give up after realizing that maybe she just doesn't wanna be friends with you anymore, and after you didn't show up to her game, caitlin knew she FUCKED UP

so after the game, she goes to your house and tells you that she messed up

and you both go up to your room and talk about it, she's SO emotional and just stressed out but she pours everything out to you

and you're confused at first, caitlin likes YOU????

and when you hug her and tell her it's alright, that you liked her back, baby was taken aback cause she's like WHAT

she expected you to just be okay with it obviously but she never expected you to tell her you LIKED HER BACK????

it's just so cutesy rom-com-y and just... ADORABLE and sweet

RELATIONSHIP

queen of cuddles, oh my lord this woman is always on top of you

she doesn't really process her size sometimes cause she'll just lay on top of you and she forgets that she's literally 6ft with a bunch of muscles

you've almost died multiple times

she's super duper touchy all the 24/7 EXCEPT AT GAMES

pda is cute and all but not at games because she has to keep up an appearance and being overly touchy with your girlfriend at a game isn't exactly a great image

but she'll do it anywhere else!!!!!! but of course not too much cause again, the whole image thing

she loves taking pictures and videos to everything, her entire camera roll is just you and her atp

like vlogs GALORE to send to her family and stuff, because they adore you and her relationship!!!!

and obvs the team but they get rly sick and tired quicklu

"caitlin we get it u have an amazing healthy relationship" *attachment: 8 photos of you guys giving a thumbs down with frowns* "did we rly need 8 photos?" "yes!!!!!!!!"

and she vlogs everything, like every moment with you, she's got recorded

but those are usually very sacred to her, she doesn't show them to anyone and she hearts them so that she can look at them anytime she misses u :(

she loves showing you off on her instagram stories!!! but she gives everyone crumbs, like your back with her jersey and a cutesy little heart and you two holding hands

she has posts of you guys from high school still on instagram but she doesn't really post you a lot just because she wants to be professional

but whenever she can, SHE DOESSSS (like that whole 1yr post but with u.......)

you're at every single one of her important games!!!!! since yall have been together for so long, you guys make time for each other (ofc), she'll fly you out, pay for your hotels and everything

you're her number one supporter and fan!!!! oh my gosh

because she can't respond to weird comments, YOU def can

especially the ones that are like "i can def beat her in a 1v1" and it's just some random man

"most mens players at college level couldn't even beat her, i guarantee a random guy on tiktok could🤗" "you're 5'7, think again 💀"

caitlin just laughs at the comments but you will never let anyone shit talk your girlfriend????

she finds your protectiveness so endearing like it makes her fall more in love w you (if that's even possible?"

rom-com nights are like the ideal date night - caitlin cooks the food and you pick the movie, you guys cuddling on the couch as you eat and watch the movie is like every free saturday/sunday for yall

caitlin hates being away from you, she just wishes you could be with her 24/7

if she's away from you, expect 10000+ messages from her and 10 minute snapchat vlogs of her just at the gym while she speaks into the speakers quietly as if she's being followed (shes just dramatic)

some of the vlogs are just her in the hotel room very bored, trying to think of something to talk to u about and ITS SO CUTE

"so uh... i heard that squirrels can't burp. isn't that weird and like.... kinda sad? imagine living your whole life without being able to burp, i think i would die. speaking of that, i tried making your mom's cupcakes the other day, but i accidentally used salt instead of sugar! and that's exactly why i stick to cooking, baking is too damn hard. oh shit, kate is calling me, i gotta go but uh i hope you're having a great day. i miss you like crazy and can't wait until we're together again. i love you!"

yeah she's a yapper

she loves when you do her hair because i feel like she's more of a outfit person

so she would like if you braided her hair or like curled it or something, it makes her feel good and like pretty

the one time she curled her hair without you, she burned her arm and she swore she'd never again🫠

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↳ thank you for reading all the way through, as always ♡