#uhhhh anyway i'll just. try not to think about having a birthday at all

[robinsnest2111]

not to be too depressing on main but I just realised that this year, my birthday will suck A Lot as well

not as much as the one 2 years ago, but probably worse than last year...

woof, I am not ready for that dreaded day. Will probably spend it dissociating once again

[hypnotickale]

Here I was hoping my return post would be one of positivity and grandeur but instead I'm sitting here at 3am crying. If you missed incoherent rambles I got you.

A few days from now will be my birthday. I know it's not unique to feel especially down as another year passes by but the last few months almost daily I've been thinking about killing myself. The closer it comes, the more I don't know what to do. I can't spend another year like this. I can't keep on rotting away in this room with nobody to hold. It's too much. Too many thoughts. Too many nightmares. Not enough rest. I just can't.

What do I even say that hasn't been said? What is there to do? I am looking for the words to write but nothing will come out. Have I ever posted about picking out funeral songs? Are the songs you choose for the living or the dead? Should the dying get to pick? How much say should one have over how they are mourned? I've thought about it, personally I can't decide. There has always been a part of me that thinks it would be funny to meme the funeral. Try to make people laugh one more time before I'm gone. Maybe that's the part of me who wants them to take my death less seriously.

The first time I ever thought of killing myself, the only thing that stopped me was the pain I would cause family and friends. Not wanting to hurt the ones I love more than I already have. By being myself. Even now, if I do ever go through with it I made a chat bot that would hopefully keep people in the dark. Let them believe that I'm alive and well. If I could just erase myself that would be so much easier. Someway to know everyone will be 110% okay without me. No hurt feelings. No loose ends. Just a nooses end 🥁

Just so y'all don't worry. Something something BMO always gets back up. Something something brighter tomorrow. I'll probably wake up feeling better. Drinking water. Uhhhh idk what else.

Anyways. Sorry if you read all that. Not sure how much of it even makes sense. My head is spinning pretty bad. I'm gonna catch some zzz's and hope I don't wake up tomorrow morning. Have a good morning, good evening, and good afternoon

-🥬

[pesterloglog]

John Egbert, Jade Harley, Karkat Vantas

Act 4, page 1525

ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

GT: hey, happy birthday jade!

GG: yay thank you john!!!!! :D

GT: whew ok, i got your present in the mail JUST on time.

GT: plus i sent rose's and dave's too.

GT: why do your guys'es birthdays got to be all bunched together like that??? you are running me ragged!

GG: heheh i know but it is nice of you to think of us all like that!

GT: i can't wait for you to see what i got you. i don't want to spoil it or anything but hopefully it will help you solve those problems you've been having lately.

GT: MYSTERIOUS WINK ;)

GG: im sure it is great, i cant wait either!!!!!

GG: it might take a while to get here from there but it will be worth the wait!

GT: oh man.

GT: i am such an idiot, i forgot about how long it takes you to get stuff.

GT: ARGH.

GG: john thats ok really! im sure will get to me exactly when it needs to and it will be a nice surprise when it does!

GT: ok well i hope so.

GG: <3......

GG: uhhhh hold on

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG]

CG: WAIT GOD DAMMIT DON'T BLOCK ME.

CG: I MEAN NOT THAT BLOCKING ME WOULD DO ANYTHING.

CG: BUT JUST LISTEN.

GG: what do you want?????

CG: I JUST HAVE TO DELIVER A MESSAGE AND THEN I'LL GO.

CG: IT IS A MESSAGE FROM YOU, SO YOU PROBABLY OUGHT TO LISTEN.

GG: this is nonsense

GG: every time i believe something you say you laugh at me and call me a gullible human!!!!

GG: its so childish

CG: OK FINE I ADMIT IT, I COMPLETELY SHIT THE BED HERE.

CG: I GET THAT.

CG: AND I CAN'T PROMISE I WON'T KEEP TROLLING YOU.

CG: CAUSE I WILL, IN WEEKS OR MONTHS OR WHATEVER.

CG: I'LL KEEP GIVING YOU A HARD TIME, BUT SEE THAT WON'T BE PRESENT ME.

CG: THAT'S PAST ME.

CG: FROM LIKE A HALF HOUR AGO OR SO, WHEN I WAS MORE HOT AND BOTHERED ABOUT ALL THIS, OK?

GG: D:

GG: i dont know what youre talking about at all.....

GG: its another prank

CG: WHATEVER, FINE, THINK IT'S A PRANK.

CG: AS LONG AS YOU REMEMBER THIS CONVERSATION.

CG: SEE WE'RE TRYING TO TALK TO YOU IN THE FUTURE, AND IT'S IMPORTANT, BUT YOU WON'T ANSWER US.

CG: SO WE TALKED TO YOU WAAAY IN THE FUTURE TO ASK HOW TO GET IN TOUCH WITH NOT-SO-FUTURE YOU.

CG: ARE YOU FOLLOWING?

GG: no

CG: SHE SAID TO TALK TO YOU NOW AND TELL YOU THIS.

CG: YOU KNOW YOUR ROBOT?

GG: you mean the robot you think is stupid?

GG: the one youve mocked me for having on a number of occasions???

CG: YEAH, WELL I STILL DO THINK YOUR ROBOT IS STUPID.

CG: BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT.

CG: LATER ON IT WILL BLOW UP FOR SOME REASON. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY.

GG: this is the worst prank youve ever pulled!!!!!!

CG: QUIET.

CG: ANYWAY, WHEN IT HAPPENS YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

CG: THE THING TO DO IS TO CONTACT US.

CG: AND WE'LL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.

GG: why should i do that?

CG: BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU TOLD US TO TELL YOU.

CG: WHATEVER, BELIEVE ME, DON'T BELIEVE ME, I DID MY JOB.

CG: I'M OUT OF HERE.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG]

GG: ok im back sorry

GG: i had to tell someone to go away!

GT: oh god.

GT: the trolls again?

GG: yup :o

GT: they have been such a pain in the ass lately.

GT: it seems like there are so many.

GT: there are either like fifty of these retards or it's one guy with a lot of alt accounts.

GG: ive never had any sort of feeling about them or what they want which is kind of weird!!!

GG: but it seems to me like they are probably all different people and not one guy

GG: i have counted twelve

GT: what do they want with us!!!

GG: some people just like to needle others for some reason john

GG: it is like a game i guess. they are like pranksters!!

GT: oh hell no, shittiest pranksters ever.

GG: but i think they are mostly harmless

GG: every so often they manage to get through my block filter and hassle me. its been going on for years! actually some of them are kind of funny i think hehe

GT: oh wow, what? years??

GT: ok, well i am sick of them.

GT: i've been thinking of changing my pesterchum handle to throw them off.

GT: so...

GT: i guess i'm gonna do that.