#ok the titles are song titles taken from Mike Shinoda's album Post Traumatic

[owlhart]

Post Traumatic

5 - About You

Philippa’s not quite sure if it is a sneaking realisation slowly creeping up on her over time or a sudden realisation exploding into reality - how she see Triss everywhere, in the blue flowers blooming outside her window and in the chestnut of the girl that passes by her on the street; how she sees Triss in everything she does, in the warmth of the magic as it runs through her veins and in the ink scrawled across the pages laid out on her desk; how she dreams of subtle glances and shy smiles she’s not even sure are just dreams or memories bleeding into her subconscious.

Everything is about Triss and Philippa can’t understand why. 

4 - Nothing Makes Sense Anymore

Her heart asks about Triss - hardly ever aloud but it simmers in her chest and lingers in the back of her mind. And Philippa gets her answers in the form of reports and gossip and meetings and chance encounters; she never asks but she gets her answers one way or the other.

Her heart asks about Triss even if her head knows she won’t act upon it. Philippa sees a lot of herself in Triss - talented, politically astute, loyal, but Triss is young, not in age but in experience, and she is naive in ways only the hopeful can understand, and Philippa loathes the idea that she may be the one to shatter the heart that Triss wears on her sleeve.

Her heart asks about Triss even if her head tells her she can’t act upon it, because control quells any temptation and cold logic dampens any desire. 

But still, her heart asks about Triss again and again, because Triss reminds Philippa of her humanity and at this point, it is the only thing keeping her going.

3 - Watching As I Fall

When she catches Keira staring at her for the hundredth time with an inquisitive expression on her face, Philippa gestures at her impatiently.

“Keira, if there’s something you want to say, do so. I cannot read your mind.”

“Technically-”

“Keira.”

“Fine, fine. You look...” Keira folds her arms and settles back in her chair, searching for the right words. “You look constipated. Emotionally. Whenever you’re around Triss.”

Philippa grimaces at the rather unsavoury description, although perhaps it is the implication of Keira’s observation or the fact that the sentiment was obvious enough for Keira to notice that is so unsettling. And so, she simply feigns indifference.

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

But Keira is like a dog with a bone - persistence has always been an admirable trait in her although not a particularly welcome one at the moment - and she leans forward, propping her chin on her palm. She surveys Philippa with narrowed eyes and pursed lips and Philippa can feel her heart hammering in her chest so hard she’s sure Keira can hear it.

The slight softening of Keira’s eyes tells her the younger sorceress has deduced what Philippa is so desperate to hide. What she is trying too hard to bury. 

But Keira shrugs with a knowing smile and stands up to leave, glancing to the side. Philippa follows her gaze and feels the weight lift in her chest as her heart drops to her stomach simultaneously. Triss waves at the both of them and Keira returns the gesture almost lazily. Philippa nods in acknowledgment.

“Don’t overthink it,” Keira says.

Philippa’s not so sure she can.

9 - Make It Up As I Go

Last minute counsel with King Vizimir had prevented her from attending the conclave in person but by the time Philippa connects using her megascope, the conclave has dispersed. Sabrina picks up her transmission and the grim expression on her face tells Philippa all she needs to know.

“Redania will send her armies but it will take a few days to reach Sodden. You will have to hold the keep until reinforcements arrive.”

Sabrina pales.

“There are only a handful of us travelling there. We can’t hold it for long.”

“Who is leading the excursion?”

“Vilgefortz and Tissaia,” Sabrina replies.

“Yennefer has also joined us.”

Philippa starts when Triss appears behind Sabrina but she recovers quickly.

“You’re in good hands then. Although I would feel better if I were there with you.” She straightens up, a hint of steel slipping into her voice. “I will be there with reinforcements soon enough but until then, you’ll be on your own.”

Sabrina nods and moves to terminate the connection when Philippa speaks up.

“Be safe.”

Surprise flickers in Sabrina’s eyes; she knows Philippa well enough to identify the underlying sentiment - worry for her peers, regret for her delay and a promise of rectification; she knows Philippa well enough to decipher the unspoken request for her to look out for the younger sorceress. 

And Sabrina knows Philippa well enough to hear her silent plea to Triss.

Come back to me safe and sound.

Sabrina looks at Triss and nods.

“We will be.”

10 - World’s On Fire

The battlefield is spinning in a blaze of fire and smoke, ash and dust in the air, the cacophony of screams and clash of metal ringing in her ears. The skies are painted a flickering orange and Philippa spots the platoon marching towards the front gate of the keep under the burning skies. 

She vaguely recalls that Sabrina and Yennefer are holding the keep and for the briefest of moments, she wonders where Triss is stationed. She dismisses the thought almost immediately. Or so she tries.

Because the world’s on fire and there is so much more at stake than one person.

12 - Can’t Hear You Now

She reaches out, sweeping the span of the battlefield with pulsing telepathic waves, but in her mind’s eye, she is flying across the hills and the woods and keep, calling out to the mages that still remained standing. She can feel the faint flicker of Tissaia’s presence and the burn that is Yennefer. Then there’s the swell representing Francesca and the buzz that is Sabrina. But with each name unanswered, the ringing silence grows louder in her head. 

By the end of it, she counts fourteen mages that are missing - peers and acquaintances and allies that she will mourn once the war is over.

Fourteen mages.

But only one who makes her feel as if she may fall apart if she allows herself to truly feel the loss.

8 - Hold It Together

The medic tends to the large gash on her arm and she tries to hold still as the flesh knits itself together. 

She has always had impeccable control over her emotions; it comes easily to her, almost like second nature. But it is the underlying knowledge that presses up against her chest, heavy and suffocating, threatening to explode with every breath she takes.

She has no time to grieve though, even if she can’t stop herself from turning around at every movement of the tent flap, just a little faster every time someone enters or leaves the tent.

“You’re good to go.”

Philippa barely registers the words, her legs carrying her out of the tent automatically - she needs to leave this wretched place behind even if she tells herself she is not running away.

Controlling her emotions is easy.

Holding herself together is hard.

6 - Promises I Can’t Keep (x - companion piece)

“Do you remember what you told me before we went off to Sodden?”

It is the small secluded grove beside the river, tucked away in a dense part of the forest - it is Triss’ favourite spot in Maribor and she had taken Philippa there when Philippa had last visited Temeria. 

“You told me that you would come back to me, safe and sound.” 

Philippa remembers soft lips and gentle caresses when Triss had kissed her so tenderly, so lovingly. She remembers how she had sank into the kiss so easily, so naturally, how her walls had crumbled little by little, how her control had slipped through her fingers bit by bit.

She remembers it all too clearly.

“The battle is over, Triss. And now, I need you to keep your promise.”

There had been blue skies, crystal clear waters and a gentle breeze when Triss had told Philippa she loved her for the first time.

The walls had flown back up instantly before she had been able to truly feel any part of the fear and insecurity she had known was creeping across her heart, any shred of desire or hope that had been building underneath the surface.

“I need you to come back to me.”

It is the place where Philippa had broken Triss’ heart. 

“You can’t.”

She cannot allow Triss to love her.

“Please. Come back to me.”

I can’t.

She cannot allow herself to love Triss.

“Always.”

Philippa gasps and they wake in the palace once again. They stay unmoving for a while before a relieved smile finally tugs at Philippa’s lips.

“Welcome back.”

Triss reaches up to caress Philippa’s cheek and smiles through bleary eyes.

“I made a promise.” Philippa’s smile widens at Triss’ words. “And I always keep my promises.”

2 - Over Again

Philippa stays in Temeria as Redania’s representative to handle the aftermath of the battle, and at Keira’s request and with Foltest’s permission, to oversee Triss’ recovery.

Without magic, Triss’ physical wounds heal slowly but the mental toll is much heavier. Even with Keira’s potions, sleep evades her mostly, and when exhaustion finally overwhelms her, all she can see is fire and steel before she wakes in a haze of sweat and tears, having screamed herself hoarse.

The nightmares plague her relentlessly on the rare nights she manages to fall asleep. But one night, she feels the familiar warmth probing at the corner of her senses, nudging and coaxing to be let in. She can’t quite place it but she recognises its signature, soothing and gentle and a reminder of promises made. Her defences lower just enough to allow the magic to slip into her consciousness. 

The flames flicker out and the steel melts into gold and Philippa steps closer towards her, cupping Triss’ cheeks in her hands and touching her forehead against hers. Triss feels the chaos pull her deeper into its embrace and her heart swells with emotion. She leans forward and Philippa stiffens ever so slightly, only relaxing when Triss covers Philippa’s hands with her own.

The kiss is tender and sweet and it’s so real that Triss almost believes it isn’t just a dream. But then everything melts away and she wakes alone to the morning light with only one thought in her mind and too much love in her heart.

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Keira had told her that her sleeping potions had not been particularly effective and she had been right; Philippa can hear the whimpers and cries from where she stands on the opposite side of the door.

She hesitates, wondering if Triss could push through the mental trauma on her own. But Triss is one of her people and Philippa will never forgive herself if she walks away now, abandoning Triss to fend for herself; Philippa has failed her once, she will not repeat the same mistake twice.

Philippa sits beside Triss on the mattress, a flailing arm nearly hitting her square in the face. Her fingertips press against Triss’ temples before Philippa cups Triss’ cheeks in her hands fully and leans down so that their foreheads are touching. Having already established a mental connection once, Philippa finds it much easier to resonate with Triss this time. Her presence seems to calm the younger sorceress and so Philippa returns to Triss’ room time and time again, always leaving just before dawn.

The dreams differ each time - they could be in the yellow fields of Maribor, sitting on the shores of Lake Vizima or strolling through the gardens of the palace - but it is always just the two of them. And every time she resonates with Triss telempathically, Philippa feels something grow in her heart little by little; every time she dreams with Triss, Philippa finds herself falling for her once more.

Against her better judgement, Philippa allows herself to fall in love over and over and over again. 

She allows herself to love Triss, even if it is only when she is dreaming.

7 - Crossing A Line

She should have known that emotions and feelings do not abide by the arbitrary line distinguishing dreams and reality. Philippa copes the best way she knows how - by simply avoiding Triss and burying herself in her work during the day. Weeks pass and Triss’ nightmares have faded away by then. Philippa decides it is time to return to Redania.

She leaves without bidding farewell to Keira or Triss, only saddling a horse and racing off into the night; teleportation would undoubtedly be much faster but Philippa needed to clear her head. With the wind in her hair and the adrenaline coursing through her veins, for a moment, Philippa feels as if she is flying. She spurs her horse on, galloping through the woods and fields and towns at breakneck speed, desperate to capture a lost feeling she cannot name.

Her mare slows to a trot when they reach the bridge spanning the Pontar, almost as if sensing her hesitance.

“Lady Eilhart,” one of the guards call out, eyes lighting up in recognition. “Welcome home.”

Philippa stares at him for a beat and tugs at the reins, turning her mount around.

She heads back to Vizima.

1 - Place to Start

The two of them find themselves at Triss’ favourite spot in Maribor once again, in the small secluded grove beside the river, tucked away in a dense part of the forest.

“I’m not dreaming, am I?” Triss asks with a light chuckle.

Philippa returns a fond smile.

“No, you’re not.”

Eyebrows furrowing slightly in confusion, Triss asks, “Why are we here?”

Philippa inhales deeply.

“This is the place where it began for you. I thought it would be a good place for me to start too.”

“I don’t understand.”

Philippa lets out a huff of laughter. She takes Triss’ hand in hers, pulls her close and kisses her.

“Welcome back.”