#maybe it's because im sex repulsed and it makes it seem worse for me but like i feel like that's becoming all there is

[dyingnights]

can we talk about how more and more fandoms literally get consumed by horny people and i dont mean this in a good way

[shreddeddescent]

Oh don't apologize about writing this, we are literally reading it too! I find the story interesting and like, yeah it is fucked up, but I'm having fun reading it too 💪💪💪

Also, how does Mikey feel about all this? I was thinking about that because he likes to deny the has 'adult problems' like you said, so I am really wondering about how he's dealing with all that is happening

🌠👾

ughhhh god...... the mikey can of worms about this specifically is exactly what that was about and whats been really tough to talk about. like this specific scene was what i had to get up and walk away from cuz it was painful.

he's not okay. he also doesnt care about it, cuz hes like... ugh you know what. i think i should actually just share this whole thing i wrote about it. this one is rough. nothing graphic, but if you wanna see how fucking not okay this kid is despite how much he's pretending he can be? yeah. hes gonna talk about his bullshit for the first time ever, and something bad had happened to mikey before. and he doesnt even know what.

which is like where i think the whole climax of this arch is going in my head. i havent written it all out yet. im being tugged along on a journey, yknow.

warnings for csa and incest and like. very poor coping mechanisms. all of it this one hurt me personally the most in the end.

theres some implications of things going on in the background, cuz at this exact moment none of the characters have been coping well hence the fucking.... need for these adults. raph needed to be alone to spiral about the 3 kids by himself, leo needed to be put to bed (by mikey) cuz he got way too high after realizing how much he'd been personally juggling everybody else, and donnie wont mind his buisness about anything, mikey had a go at him about it which resulted in him trying to help mikey with his current 'im having traumatic sex dreams' problem. but donnie is the same age and wasnt gonna be able to help much.

if any of it sounds confusing im sorry. id try and do a whole. fic thing about it but i really dont know if i can. whats important here is the mikey part. cuz this is where it all came to a head.

also mentions of lita, whos raph's little alter. the one that was only ever around for shredder. until recently

--

Mikey was glad that Donnie seemed better when he left the bathroom. He seemed to have been spiralling about whatever was going on between Leo and Raph.

He was pretty sure the idea of sex repulsed his twin, despite his attempts to explain it to him. He was a good brother. But it really wasn’t worth worrying about if Raph and Leo needed to be away from each other. It was weird he cared.

Donnie cared about too many fucking things.

Mikey had spent an extra long time in the bathroom, thinking over if he felt any attraction like Donnie said. He’d thought about exploring his body, but the idea reminded him of Raph. He really didn’t want it to but it did. The first time he’d seen his own penis was when it was forced into his sleeping brother.

His brother who felt like his mom.

It fucking broke something inside of him. He was trying like hell to be the baby Raph needed, to be okay for him, so he wouldn’t make Raph worse. But in the back of his mind he did know he wasn’t okay. And maybe he was just age regressing to cope. Maybe he was only getting angry at everyone cuz he couldn’t help the age regressing.

It was easy to feel like a baby when you were so malnourished as a child that you looked way younger than you should. Father had seen to that. He didn’t take care of him and then blamed Raph for his condition. And maybe he just didn’t want Raph to feel bad about it anymore.

And he had recently remembered.. something. Childhood Raph who wasn’t Raph. Raph leaving crying, coming back Lita and not crying. And… Lita apologizing for something.

The rest was a mystery. A mystery he’d thought he might be able to uncover in therapy with Big Mama, but now?! Now there was this whole… situation!

So he was just sitting with Donnie quietly, watching dumb shit on YouTube. Ignoring his feelings.

They’d seen Leo very not so subtly leave his room. He still stunk. He walked funny and airheaded, but as long as he wasn’t gonna bother Raph, who cared where he went.

…Mikey cared a little. And he was the only one who saw how much weed he’d smoked.

So after about 5 minutes he sighed and felt the need to get up and see if he could find him.

He went out in his red hoodie and some fresh sweatpants, it was night time and maybe he went outside.

He wandered the hall and felt that vertigo feeling again. He hated it, he didn't feel present. Made him think of the drugs from the cages. The drugs he’d been extra pumped full of for being good at fighting them off. That made it worse.

He rested against the wall for a moment and rubbed his eyes.

“Hey, little man.”

He blinked and looked up. It wasn’t Leo.

Jennika was there, in a loose white shirt and cargo pants. She got down into a squat in front of him and smiled.

“Are you okay?”

He felt like maybe he was standing on a fault line.

“Sorry… I’m kinda queasy…” he mumbled.

She eyed the place he was standing and gently gripped his shoulders, tugging him about 3 feet to the left.

The feeling faded and he sighed out in relief.

“Better?”

“Yeah..” he took a deep breath and stood up straight, smiling at her. “You’re…. I know who you are now.”

She stood at her full height and rubbed the back of her neck.

“Yeah… sorry I was uh… lying before. I guess I wasn’t really lying? But you know.”

He nodded slowly and smiled. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to find you. You seemed kinda.. not okay?”

Mikey laughed and shook his head. “Nah! I’m good! I’m fine, I’m just looking for Leo, he’s the one who’s not good.”

“Leo’s alright. I saw him earlier. Kirby’s kinda.. talking him down from his high I think.”

“Oh! Wow! Kirby’s talking to Leo?” He smiled up at her, that was exciting. He knew Leo seemed upset about being ignored by his…. Son. “That’s good. I think that’s good for him.”

She nodded and held out her hand. “Do you wanna walk somewhere? These walls are so… migraine city.”

Mikey looked up at her curiously and beamed. “Sure!” He took her hand and squeezed it softly.

She squeezed back and they walked to the elevator together. He noticed when she was inside there were more buttons and she pushed one.

She seemed a little shy so he tugged on her arm. She looked down at him curiously.

“Can I call you Jenny? Or is Jennika better?”

“You can call me whatever you want, I don’t mind.”

“Raph said you're trans like him. So that means you probably chose your own name, right? I mean... he didn’t. Cuz he’s.. his situation’s weird, but am I right?”

She blinked and smiled softly.

“Yeah.. I did. Is it… a cool name?”

“Yeah! So if you chose it that makes it extra important, so I wanna make sure I say it how you want it said. Jen-nick-kah. I like it!”

She took in an audibly shaky breath and looked back at the buttons.

“Th…thanks Mikey…”

He squeezed her hand.

“I uh… I don’t think you’re looking at me for like… ugh.. dad approval. But like, you seem cool.”

She smiled and laughed a little. “No, I’m definitely not, but thanks. I feel a little.. weird to be honest. But I hope we can clear the air?”

He smiled up at her genuinely and nodded. “I’d like that.”

The elevator doors opened into a lobby Mikey hadn’t seen before. They’d been portaled from the city straight into Big Mama’s office. This was an actual entrance.

And… it was a button they got blocked from pressing? He’d need to think about that later.

Jennika walked with him out of the building and Mikey came into contact with a whole other world. They were in a courtyard of sorts, a city street across from them. The sky was pitch black, because it wasn’t a sky, it was high dark cave walls that stretched beyond what he could see. There were floating crystals for street lamps lighting the streets.

The streets were full of yokai, going about their days. Shopping at storefronts of magic and mundane. It seemed busy. It seemed normal.

He stopped in his tracks and Jennika turned to look at him worriedly.

“Are you okay?”

“W-where…” He kept staring over at the street. There were weird chariots for cars, and creatures flying above his head.

This wasn’t New York City. 

She seemed to realize what was wrong and her eyes widened. “Oh! You’ve.. never been to the Hidden City. Oh shit. This was stupid Kirby’s gonna kill me.”

Mikey stumbled back into a fountain in the courtyard and sat on it. He looked behind him and he could see the exterior of the hotel for the first time.

A skyscraper that existed underground, he couldn’t even see the top because of how dark it was up there.

He rubbed his temples and closed his eyes, taking deep breaths.

“Mikey are you okay?!” She sat down beside him and put her hand on his shell.

“I… yeah.. it’s just a lot…” he didn’t open his eyes but he did lean into her. “I don’t get out much, I guess. I’d be more excited if it hadn’t been… a day.”

He might have been letting his very well crafted facade slip.

She rubbed his shell. “I just thought we could go get some ice cream and talk it out. I thought maybe the hotel was a dumb place to talk, but maybe that’s my bad… I didn’t think about how weird this would be, I’m sorry.”

He looked up at her. She looked anxious and guilty.

So he thought about what she’d just asked and blinked up at her.

“Hidden city has ice cream? Like somewhere I could try every flavour? Cuz we fit in down here?!” He asked excitedly.

Her eyes widened and she beamed. “Yeah! That’s exactly what I was tryina do!”

He jumped up and tugged her arm.

“Show me! Show me show me!”

She grinned and stood up, jogging with him down the street.

He was laughing as they ran goofily down the street. People were staring but not because they were freaks, just cuz they were having fun.

They found a storefront for ice cream and there was a many armed person at the till. Jennika boldly asked for two samples of every flavour and it earned a very annoyed look from the clerk. She slid some kind of hidden city money over with an apologetic smile to make it worth their time which cheered them up.

There was some weird flavours in there he’d never heard of. Some sounded like fruits that didn’t exist, others were weirdly goopy or fleshy in nature. One even made them breathe fire, it was fun. They had a laugh.

By the time they’d tried everything Mikey was given some kind of mix of 5 flavours in a bowl with a spoon, and Jennika got the same.

So they walked down the street eating ice cream together. Like they were normal people having a normal outing.

It was so weird how normal it felt.

She showed him a park to walk through, the trees and plants were purple instead of green which was cool.

They sat down at a bench facing a glowing green lake to sit and eat. It was peaceful. He liked it.

“So how are you?” She finally asked, scooping ice cream in her mouth.

“Kinda confused. You’re really nice and cool, but like… you’re.. you know. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel… like, I feel kinda silly? But also.. feel kinda bad?” He was squishing the ice cream together, mixing the colours absentmindedly in the bowl.

She hummed and swallowed back her current bite, placing the bowl down beside her. “I can tell you how I see it. Which is that you’re like.. a brother. Like I know where I come from, but you’re just a kid, and you’re a kid on your own and that makes me sad, and I feel like I’m standing right here in front of you with like.. I dunno, open ears. No that’s not the phrase..” she tapped her chin as she tried to think.

Mikey looked up at her curiously. “Open arms?”

She snapped her fingers and grinned down at him. “Yeah! Open arms. I know it’s weird. I'm not trying to make you feel weird, I just wanna listen if you need someone.”

He looked down at his bowl and took a small bite. He wasn’t sure how well some of this went together but he liked it all the same. A big fucked up hodgepodge of deliciousness.

“I… don’t want you to feel weird. Maybe I’m hoping we’re just gonna be a big family with ease and nobodies gonna have any problems anymore and I can just be normal and not worry anymore.”

She smiled sadly and bumped his arm with hers.

“I’d like to be a family like that, but I think it won’t be so easy. And that’s okay. I wanna put work in, we all do. I think it’s worth a try, and I’m kinda old enough that I can handle whatever you wanna throw at me.”

He glared at the lake with a tired look in his eye. “Just cuz you’re old doesn’t make you able to handle stuff. Old people never handle stuff good as far as I’ve seen. I guess that’s not fair… I just think I’ve seen my brothers get hurt over and over cuz people don’t care how they come off to us. Cuz Shredder treated us like animals, and Splinter…” he sighed. That was a whole can of worms. “She’s old, and yet she felt more emotionally stupid than everybody else. Than her own kids.”

He blinked and realized he’d been talking a bunch and looked up at her. She was just watching him with a sad look.

“Sorry. I’m fine. Thanks for the ice cream, it's good!” He put his happy voice back on and shoved more in his mouth. He thought about how much he could fit at once before swallowing so he took bigger bites. 

“I’m… sorry your mom wasn’t good to you. I’m extra sorry your dad was…” she sighed. “I guess adults really let you down a lot. I’m sorry.”

He shrugged and swallowed back his huge mouthful of ice cream. And then he felt the brain freeze and cupped his head. “Auuuugh there it is! Brain freeze!”

She hummed a laugh and rubbed his shell. “You’re trying to avoid talking. You wanna seem like a happy normal kid don’t you? You’re putting on an act.”

That hurt more than the brain freeze.

He groaned and kept holding his head as it passed, she was holding him to distract from the hurt in his brain.

“How do you know I’m acting! Maybe I’m just immature!”

“Maybe. But maybe you know you’re hurting and you don’t wanna make it my problem for some reason.”

He furrowed his brow and looked away.

“Is it cuz you think I’m like your kid? Cuz really… I really don’t see me like that Mikey…”

“No, it’s not that..” he sighed. He wasn’t sure what it was. He’d been able to talk to Donnie, he’d wanted to talk to Leo. But Jennika was actually asking him how he felt and he could only sit there thinking of ways to seem like he was a baby again. Ways to try and seem normal, like a good kid brother who makes her want to take care of him normally, so he wouldn’t scare her off, or traumatize her!

Oh…

“It’s cuz you make me think of Raph…”

She took a deep breath and nodded knowingly, sighing.

“You don’t talk to him about how you feel. You just go baby made. So you wanna do that with me too.”

“I’m sorry… I’ve got issues. People think I don’t but…” he sighed. “I don’t know..”

She patted his back. “I'm not Raph. I’m not your mom. I’m your cooool big sister! And I know you’ve got issues, I’m open, I’m here. Hit me.”

He looked up at her nervously.

“I…” he looked around. It was really empty here. He decided to lay his head in her lap. “Is this okay..?”

He felt her hand gently stroke his head. “Yeah, that’s okay..”

He took a few deep breaths. “I keep thinking about the cages… about.. what happened. I’m really embarrassed about it, and ashamed of myself… it’s stupid cuz I know it’s not my fault, but the.. specifics of what hurt me was all related to this..” he sighed and closed his eyes. “Weird relationship I have with him, where I try to let him be my mom cuz I never had one. And maybe it’s cuz he’s female and I imprinted on him as a baby, or maybe it’s just cuz I was so small and he was so worried about me.. but the… the mixing of these two things in my head, the 'mama Raph' and the fact I….” He felt tears rolling down his cheeks and he sobbed audibly. It was getting uncontrollable.

She just rubbed his head. He heard her sniff but didn’t look up. He just let her pet him and tried to collect himself.

“I-I’m sorry, I don’t… know what to do, I know you’re not… but I’d never even seen my body before my dad made me use it against my will, a-and so I’m just.. b-back to baby mode, h-hoping I never grow up and have to think about it again…”

“God… Mikey I’m fucking sorry, that sounds like so much…” she was probably crying but kept petting him. He wasn’t sure how to respond now. “I… I think it sounds like you know you shouldn’t do that. That you’re like… pushing stuff down to make yourself seem okay. I think maybe you wanna be worried about normally just so you feel normal, maybe that’s why you’re acting like that…” he chanced a look up at her. She might have looked like him, but the way she was crying over him made her look like Raph. So he was crying in her lap quietly.

He looked away and clutched the fabric of her pants. “I’m.. not trying to act out… I just really don’t want these grown up problems, I-I wanna worry about stupid stuff, n-not wake up with my thing out cuz I h-had a nightmare…”

She took a deep shaky breath and blew it out slowly. “We don’t get to choose to not grow up. I know why you want to? But look at me. If I could have stayed a kid forever I probably would have. I hated puberty. Being a grown up sucks. But you can’t stop it. And you’ve gotten forced into the worst thing, but it doesn’t make you grown up, it just.. means you have to deal with something complicated. I... think ignoring that kinda problem won’t make it go away, and if you need to talk to someone about.. all that gross complicated stuff you’re scared of, I’m here. I’ve had lots of weird feelings over the years, going from like.. weapon to person, boy to girl.. you can tell me more if you want. Maybe I’ll get it.”

Mikey sat up and wiped his eyes. “I.. I haven’t even been asking about you, I’m so sorry Jennika…”

She smiled sadly and draped her arm over his shoulder, pulling him close and giving him a gentle shake. “No, it’s fine! You’re having a bad day. I wanna help with that, don’t worry about me at all.”

He looked up at her sadly, pressing his head against her chest.

“I-it’s weird.. if I’m not your dad, that probably means Raph’s not your mom right..?”

She sighed and looked at the lake. “No… he’s not. It’s kinda complicated, cuz there’s a piece of my heart that still.. I dunno, craves a mom? So that’s why I was so weird when he called me beautiful… but he’s not, he’s my brother just like you are.”

He looked over at the lake. “Is it weird that I think of him as my mom..?”

“No… Not at all, I get it. He’s been your caretaker, and he likes doing that.”

Mikey nodded slowly. “Then.. you get why its… fucking with my head that I’ll dream about the cage, and wake up like that.. why I feel sick to my stomach about it…”

“God, yeah I get that… I would be scared.”

“And I can’t cry to him about it, cuz it’s about him…”

She nodded slowly. “And that would make it worse.. yeah. I’m sorry Mikey…” she rubbed his shoulder. “Okay.. so this will be weird no matter what, but like.. you had the bird and bees talk? And any other talks about your body and stuff..?”

He looked up at her and shrugged sadly. “How much talk needed? We already made you.. think I get where babies come from…”

She looked down at him sadly and then gently rubbed his head. “Oh.. buddy that doesn’t mean you know everything. Did Splinter never…?”

He looked away. “Maybe she tried. Maybe I ran away. I don’t know, I don’t remember…”

She nodded and kept rubbing his head. “Okay. Let’s jump past babies and stuff. I think what you’re describing is like a sex dream, and it’s one you’re having cuz you got forced into it. A trauma dream, making you relive the only time you’ve ever felt arousal. You can’t control it, it's not your fault, it’s a natural response. It doesn’t mean you actually feel aroused by Raph, that you actually want him like that. It’s… ugh I’m sorry. Consent is a better place to maybe start this. Consent and body autonomy and finding a partner you trust…?” She shifted a little.

He looked up. She seemed a little frustrated that she couldn’t find the words.

He sighed and idly squeezed her knee. “I know what you’re trying to say. That I was raped. That I raped Raph but I didn’t, that he raped me but he didnt… dad raped us. Used us to rape each other. I… I know that.”

She looked down at him sadly, clearly sad about how much he was using the word. But he should be allowed to say it over and over again!

“Yeah…”

“I’m too young for sex. I don’t want a sex partner or whatever. I don’t want to have to worry about that, but I’m scared that I’m…” he keeled over and started crying out of nowhere. “I-I think maybe when I was little dad raped me too..? W-when Lita.. I-I can’t remember it… sh-she said I saw something I w-wasn’t supposed to… sh-she seemed so fucking sorry… a-and that’s all I’ve been thinking about for a week… a-and nobody cares!”

Jennika gently shook him and she was crying too. “I care! Fuck Mikey I care so much, I’m so fucking sorry!”

“E-everyone’s been tiptoeing around it! L-like around Raph! A-and maybe I wanted to go to therapy and talk about it! T-talk to Lita! Get more information! B-but there was the… th-the YOU situation! A-and he was traumatized enough! A-and now Big Mama is evil and I-I can’t!”

She took a deep shaky break and wrapped her arms around him and pulled him in her lap for a hug. He let her as he sobbed against her chest. “We don’t need her to do that. We can figure it out without her, we can find ways of dealing with it. God Mikey you’ve been so fucking… I’m sorry. Everything is so fucked up but I fucking promise you that’s my priority okay? We’re gonna help you with that.”

Mikey was clinging to her shirt and sobbing into it. He nodded miserably as he cried. “I-I’m sorry.. I-I keep forgetting t-to bring it up c-cuz I only I-learned about it when y-you were b-born! B-but that was like a week ago! A-and that’s its whole own thing! A-and I’m too fucked up t-to think about it!”

She held him tight and pressed her head against his.

“Fuck… you’ve been keeping so much in there…” She pulled back to cup his cheeks in her hands and smile determined at him, tears still freely falling down her face. He sniffled and shook as he looked back at her. “You don’t need to worry about any of this other stuff. No villains no brothers no fucking weird turtles coming back from the future. Your priority is Mikey. And so’s mine. We’re gonna figure it out. You and me. We’re gonna talk it out one step at a time together. Anything you fucking need I’m here, okay?”

He put his hands on hers, he was struggling to breathe through the crying. This wasn’t his usual crying, he felt fucking broken. His whole body hurt from how hard he was crying.

And it felt good. To fucking scream and yell and cry about how miserable he REALLY was, and to feel seen for it. To feel cared for about it.

So he shakily nodded and kept crying in her face.

She held him again. This wasn’t like how Raph would make him feel at all, this wasn’t a mom thing. This wasn’t a ‘push my feelings down and pretend you’re normal’ upset thing. This was just a sibling really fucking seeing him and letting him be as big of a wreck as he needed. Someone he wasn’t scared of making the problems worse of.

Maybe she was exactly what he needed right now.

[eldritch-spouse]

im taking the 50/50 gamble asking this cause yolo i guess (its ok i can wait centuries for my ask to be answered anyways.)

so uh— what if darling is insistent on leaving vesper, like— REALLY insistent. bringing it up casually saying “It’s going to turn me on even more when i leave you and go back to earth,” or “So where’s the going back home ritual?”

and this is kinda because darling doesn’t feel deserving of vesper. sure, she loves him— but like that one post, she just can’t stand seeing vesper having sex with others while she’s just a human who can’t take him. (forever a virgin) and also cause darling sees sex as a romantic while vesper sees it as….idk the word but you get it.

(maybes it even worse when darling has to dissociate and leave the room everytime she caught vesper with someone else. and she will get extremely depressed for days on end everytime she hears the moans and all— putting her in a constant cycle. sorry im projecting my bpd on darling.)

and i saw the post of vesper explaining it too, and while darling understands, she’s still sad regardless, and extremely hurt if vesper calls her cruel when she also tries to explain.

so darling went quiet, nods and casually walked away. and that’s when all the comments about wanting to go home started.

then weeks passed and no one ever saw darling ever again. because darling sees there’s no point to be with vesper anymore even if she loves him, but now she’s mostly inside her separate room 24/7 bedrotting (aka back to her old lifestyle before being taken into Hell.)

or you know, just gets up and leaves Hell altogether. find some way to remove the mark, asked a couple of concerned imps for the way home, or call upon an angel on the icon of hell phone to take them back to earth. and darling SUCCEEDED in returning home.

i know vesper um…is vespering but maybe this is a rare, once in a lifetime moment where vesper snaps, goes feral, actually blue balling himself for so long until he finds darling again on earth. and during that time hell is in constant chaos idk im just blabbering and rambling at this point.

but yeah, ending can be vesper finding darling again and turning her to a succubus, or darling just lives her life peacefully while hell is going down from the domino effect.

(and um, i too feel bad because i know and read your posts about vesper and he’s unfortunately my fav. it might seem strange genuinely disliking my fav but i too just wanted to try and forget about vesper after this.)

(um, if ur planning to write, please don’t get darling cucked in the ending. again, i know this is vesper we’re talking about. u can ignore and delete this ask if u don’t like me requesting darling doesn’t get cucked for the ending.)

(anyways, take ur time getting to my ask. i can wait a long while to the point i might forget sending this ask.)

I'm not going to write anything, you made a scenario on your own, the skeleton for the entire story is already there.

Though this does seem a bit weird. Are you actually genuinely upset with the character? I'm not going to upset you further by telling you how realistic or unrealistic some of his actions here are.

I don't even quite understand what you meant with reader getting cucked. Cucking doesn't really exist in Lust because having sex with others is simply natural and expected and partners don't see it as a betrayal, it'd just be another culture barrier in the relationship. Out of many other culture barriers that you have to adapt to whether you like it or not. You would continue to get "cucked", because the King of Lust cannot subsist on you alone, and he's not about to weaken himself because you find him having sex with others repulsive.

If you are genuinely upset with all this, for some reason, consider finding a character that won't cause that effect in you. I didn't really make any of this with the intent of causing people to get depressed.

[kang-yina]

I hate how lgbtq identities, actually i hate how the lesbian identity is always questioned, even by people who call themselves lesbians, we're always thinking: "oh maybe im bi and just faking it", "its not that big of a deal" "maybe one day i will stop thinking that"

It does not work this way... i said lgbtq identities because i also try to doubt about my asexuality even though i am on the completely non-sexualy attracted part of the sprectrum, but this is about lesbians, i have a pretty much worse problem with my lesbian identity and i notice that this is a pattern among lesbians, pretty much all my friends talked about how they might be bi, and its okay to guess right? But we have the same wording: "if i really liked man", "i like to have masculine attention, but only the attention, not the relationship", "i would like men in these circumstances", "sometimes i dont know how to reject men without seem rude and i fell guilty when i really answer them becaue they could be sad with my rejection, even though not rejecting them makes ME feel sad"

We're always trying to make our way to treat men well, almost like just being a lesbian was bad for their existence. About me, i really feel those things but also when i see people invalidating lesbians like "oh yes i made a lesbian like me", like this is not how it works dude, this person was not a lesbian lmao, but i feel bad, and afraid that maybe if i start not identificating with my label anymore. People would say that, BUT I ALSO DONT FEEL LIKE THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN LMAO, i really have a problem about wanting to change myself, hetcomp sometimes even tho i dont feel nothing i wish i did, to feel "normal", and i really think a lot about wanting to control what i feel, and this would make me fall for men and not women or some other bullshit that goes in my brain. I am 100% sure that i am a lesbian because i know since i was 13 that i was in love, completely in love, with a girl, it was one sided but i dated another girl after that, i was not *in love* how i was with that first girl and even though it was SO GOOD, also i dated a non-binary person and it was again, SO GOOD. I fucking love women, and thats also how my lack of acceptance with my asexuality comes into play, i dislike talking about sex and stuff but i am not sex-repulsed, so i would do that in a relationship, but also would not if i was with someone who dont want that - the thing is that i only dated allo people lmao. And i am still in love with my other ex (a girl), this was a long relationship, also i could like any women and non-binary person that gives me the chance to, or that dont even give me 😹😹😹. The idea of dating and liking a men gives me disgust, to be fucking honest.

But i still try to "prove myself", and i dont know any lesbian who doesn't tries to prove themselves like that. We (I) also feel a sense of displacement in any social group, sometimes even in lgbtq groups that have no other lesbian, which is super common. But i think "normal" environments like school/college are worse, mostly if the people there know i am queer (because i talk about it with my friend group), i am always having the mindset that the girls think i am weird and is going to do something with them, and the boys find me disgusting.

I think the worst part about this text is that i did exactly what i was complaining about, i typed a lot of extra things to try to prove myself as a lesbian, and i know that my other lesbian friends would do the same, which is like so sad???? I know who i am, i just have internalized homophobia lmao, and all of them have it too. Actually any lgbtq person has internalized lgbtqphobia but this is another topic.

[lovesickjoon]

bad religion - jjk (m)

pairing: jungkook/reader

rating: NSFW (18+)

genre: SMUT, hunter!reader au, kingofhell!jungkook (yes this was highkey inspired by spn)

words: 6.7k

desc.: it was a bad religion to fall for someone who could never love you. but, thankfully you hadn't fallen yet. and who knows? maybe he could learn how to love. or namjoon, your dumbass witchy friend ends up possessed by a demon. on halloween night, you make a deal with the devil to try and get him back.

warnings: dirty talk, unprotected sex, oral, dom!jungkook, tiny bit of breathplay, possessive jungkook, probably forgetting something

notes: im sick so this is super unedited! also this is my p late submission for the BTS Smut Club Halloween Smut Fest: Prompt #77 “You can’t sell me your soul, when you don’t have one to begin with.”

The warmth of Summer was long gone. The air felt sticky, despite the chilly breeze. The moon was abnormally bright, casting a silver glow upon the Earth. It was unsettling, being able to only see the moon, and not a single star. The inky clouds that occasionally floated in front of the hanging, luminous pearl, never once caused it to dim. Your stomach churns and twists in protests. Your subconscious continuously beckoned to you, begging for you to turn back. It had been a long drive to find the secluded crossroads, and it was too late to turn back.

You had parked your car several blocks away and were now on foot. Driving this far into the countryside was new to you. Hopefully, you wouldn't have to drive this far here again. It never failed, Namjoon always managed to fuck something up.

There wasn't a shred of doubt in your mind. You knew this would work. It had taken hours of relentless searching to find the proper incantation. You had to dig through the witch's files for days before you found anything remotely close to what you needed.

Witchcraft was something you had promised yourself to avoid messing with. You always left it to Namjoon. You did the stabbing and he did the casting. You were on your own, and you were the only person willing to help your poor fuck up of a best friend.

You glanced around the road, eyeing the sides carefully. You gathered several decent sized rocks. You dropped the bag cautiously onto the dirt and kneeled. You adjusted each rock until they formed a somewhat circular shape. You drew each ingredient out of your bag and placed them in the middle of the circle, one by one. You grabbed a pebble and used it to sketch out the sigil into the dirt. You had to sketch delicately around the rock formation, the last thing you wanted was to mess up the ceremony.

Next, you brought out six onyx colored candles. You pulled the lighter from your jacket, the dirt crunching beneath your weight as you moved. The flame flickered to life, nearly fading out because of the howling wind. You lit the first candle, using your body to block the wind. The candles were specifically created for summoning. They endlessly burn, and are entirely unaffected by nature, unlike your lighter. You returned the lighter back to its place and used the one candle you had burning to light the others.

Next was the picture of you.

You pricked yourself with the needle, squeezing and massaging your finger to try and make the blood flow out easier. The drop landed directly onto the picture of you, and you felt more queasy than ever.

You cleared your throat, staring down at the dancing flames of the candles. The energy is already coursing through the pages, waiting to be unleashed. You can feel it humming through the thick leather. A shaky sigh escapes you when you tightly grasp the book and yank it from the confines of your bag. The book practically leaps into your arms and flings itself open. It violently splits open, the pages hastily whirl by on their own. It was as if the book had a mind of its own.

It seemed... eager... to be used.

The howling wind and the tossing of the grass seemed to still when the first words parted from your lips. You inhaled deeply, trying to focus. The words were familiar, you had repeated them to yourself for hours on end, trying to learn the spell. Though you spoke in broken Latin, you knew the words were transmitting. The text began to glow, and the book grew hotter with each sentence you finished.

The ground began to rumble, and you knew the creature was being torn from its throne. Your throat tightened, and you felt tears begin to poke from the corners of your eyes. It was so much worse being the individual to actually summon a demon. Rarely, when you were observing Namjoon complete a ritual, did you get sick. You always knew that, watching Namjoon get sick. You never realized entirely how sickening the process really was though. It was draining, mentally and physically. It felt as if you were right on the brink of death.

You choked out the last word and threw the book from your hands. The feeling of your skin sizzling and melting away made you hiss. You grabbed your arm, desperate to stop the pain. The book was entirely illuminated, glowing painfully bright. You wrench your eyes closed, the wind was roaring now, and you were convinced the entire planet was rocking back and forth.

Then it was calm.

The book dimmed, the candles simultaneously blew out, and the wind blew away the sketch in the dirt. Your picture was entirely singed, along with the ingredients. The rocks had sunk into the ground at some point during the ritual. The only thing that was left was burnt ashes. More importantly, your skin hadn't dissolved away. You stand and dust yourself off. You glance around, expecting to see someone standing around, watching you with curiosity.

You contemplated leaving, going and finding a place where you could have a couple of drinks... Or maybe a nest full of vamps you could stake.

Anything to get your mind off of this.

You pluck up the book and your bag. Everything felt different, but not in ways that you could name. It was such a slight shift in the atmosphere it was almost unnoticeable. For a fleeting moment, you worried if you had pronounced something wrong and unleashed something terrible out into the world.

You waited.

Unlike the person you were summoning, you were not immortal. You couldn't sit here and stare blankly at the sky until he showed up. At this rate, you were going to die before he arrived.

You persisted anyway.

You were determined to fix Namjoon's mess, even though he was the one to dig his own grave. You stood there like the ugly girl at prom, waiting for the guy who promised to be her date to show up.

"Sorry, I was running late. It's not often someone calls me directly from my throne."

You twirl around, nearly tripping over your own feet as you try and turn. Features scrunching up in confusion, you examine the man head to toe. How the fuck had you managed to summon an angel? The dark, doe eyes twinkle in amusement, and he grins.

"What? Were you expecting my horns to be larger? I didn't want to frighten you, delicate mortal."

You froze, and your heart lurched. It was finally settling in. You had just summoned the fucking King of Hell. His tall, lean figure didn't intimidate you. Not in the slightest. If it wasn't for the horns and the occasional shifting of his eye color, he could pass as someone your age. In no way, shape, or form did he appear to even be an ancient demon. The power, raw and unadulterated, radiating off of him was the off-putting part. The demon glanced towards the ashes, eyeing them carefully. He reaches towards the ashes and pinches a bit of the ash between his fingers.

He blows the dust from his fingers and raises his eyebrows. "A deal?" he asks. He eyes you suspiciously and wipes away the smear of ash off. "You waited specifically until Hallows' Eve to do this. Didn't you?"

As if you were a video, someone had taken the remote and stopped you from moving or speaking. You were on pause. You didn't know how to answer, should you lie? Should you tell the truth? The demon takes a step towards you, coming closer than you were comfortable with. You catch a glimpse of red in his eyes, and then it's gone.

He smirks, "I see. You purposely waited, just to summon little old me. This must not be a regular deal then. Oh. Don't bother trying to lie to me, because it obviously won't work."

You mentally give yourself a good shake and try to focus on your objective. You could probably knife this bastard just as easily as any other demon.

He rolls his eyes, "Mortals, all of you are so feeble-minded. Tell me, what is it you want? True love? Fortune? An extra cup size? Go ahead, sweetheart. This is always the busiest night in Hell."

"I want you to stop whichever one of your little minions it is from wearing my best friend. I only want him sane, completely alive, and back where he belongs," you hiss.

The worst thing is having someone incredibly powerful laughing directly in your face.

Which is exactly what he did. The King cackles until he doubles over, appearing to be in pain from laughing so hard. You internally cringe, and the repulsive feeling returns to your gut. He really found you.. amusing. You were concerned about the well being of your friend. Yet, this asshole was laughing.

You have to really resist the urge to whip your knife from your side and gank him right then and there.

"Not a problem, sweetheart," he raises his head, the grin still on his lips. He circles around you like a vulture, inspecting every inch of you. "Before we talk payment... Tell me, how did he end up as a vessel for a demon of mine?"

Truth be told, you weren't entirely sure. Namjoon wouldn't let some demon merely hop in his body and take it for a ride. Also, he hated messing with demons in the first place. You had kind of came to the conclusion that he had somehow been tricked, or forced. The last time you barged into his house, he had black eyes and threw you against a wall with simply a wave of his hand. He didn't answer a single question and only rummaged through his files. Maybe the demons wanted information? There was no way for you to be entirely sure.

He hums almost inaudibly, seemingly thinking. He had read your thoughts again.

"Have you considered the idea that maybe your friend wanted to be a vessel?"

Before he even finished the sentence, you were already shaking your head. "Why? Why would he want to ride backseat while someone else controls his body? That doesn't make sense."

He crosses his arms and shrugs. "How will you pay me?" his tone lowers, and he stops in front of you once more. You hold your breath as he nears you again. From this angle, you can see that innocent glimmer even better.

You frown, "Well, my soul. That's usually the price, correct?"

"Indeed," he hums. "But you can't sell me your soul when you don't have one, to begin with."

The metal jewelry glinted just enough to catch your attention. You focus your attention on the silver adorning his wrist, mulling over his words. You never played around with this kind of thing. Unless someone appeared in the middle of the night and siphoned it from you, he was lying. It wouldn't surprise you in the slightest if he really was lying. He was the King of Hell, and lying was what he did best. He tilts his head to the side, pouting.

"You don't believe me?" He asks.

He sighs and then the pout drops from his features. "The names Jungkook, by the way. Constantly referring to me as the King gets annoying after a while," he snorts.

You go silent, unsure of what to do, or what to believe. You were already low on cash, so you definitely weren't going to be able to give him a regular payment. Besides, a part in the back of your mind knew he wouldn't want it anyway. "How am I alive if I don't have a soul? How did I lose my soul?" you demand. Surprise flashes across his features, and it vanishes as quickly as it arrived.

"You think it's a big contract, just like every other mortal on Earth, don't you?" He asks in a mocking manner. "Technically, yes. You can lose your soul due to a big contract, similar to a contract that would be made here."

He pauses and steps away. He places his hand underneath his chin, trying to formulate a better way to explain his thoughts.

"It's a series of little agreements and every little fuck up counts. As for the how you're alive part, you can live a perfectly normal life even if your soul is gone. You're not unique, you're just the same as any other regular mortal. Until you die, that is. Then you're destined to fall straight into the pit."

You reflect on the haunting words, trying to think of every single thing you had done wrong. The list was honestly quite long at this point. You had done several horrible things in the past, trying to save your own ass from the fire. Only to learn that you were destined to fall right into it anyway. You never harmed animals, you never hurt anyone that didn't deserve to be hurt. You thought you were doing the moral thing.

"The devil has a thousand faces, sweetheart. Sorry to break the news this way," he mutters, not looking sorry in the slightest.

"If that's the case, then how do any souls get sold at all?"

The corner of his mouth twists in irritation. He clearly didn't appreciate the number of questions you had for him.

"Not everyone fucks up as easily as you have. Some souls simply are worth more than others, but most others just make fewer mistakes. Even if their essence is close to being fully corrupted, we usually will accept it. That is... if the deal is over something minor. You though, you're asking me to bother one of my own, and there's pretty much nothing to gain from you. No profit."

"Pathetic," he sneers condescendingly. "It's been years since I've seen a mortal completely corrupt themselves all on their own. You're lucky, though. I'm willing to fetch your little friend if you're willing to pay a different price."

Jungkook takes a confident stride towards you. You fought the urge to take a step back and start sprinting in the other direction. Jungkook cupped your face, gently brushing his thumbs against your cheekbones. Your cheeks scorched with embarrassment. Your mind clouded, and it became hard to think with him so near. Your face feels frozen, but burns where he caresses you gently. It took a moment before you could form a coherent thought.

"What's the price?" you ask, your stomach in knots.

He grins, "I get to fuck you. Since I've laid eyes on you, I've had an overwhelming desire to pin you down and whisper the filthiest things into your ear. I want to hear you whine and whimper until the pleasure becomes too much for you to handle. I think that's a fair deal, don't you?"

You felt lightheaded. The slightest breeze could come along and tip you over with ease. "Right now?" you murmur,  voice failing you. You blinked rapidly, trying to clear the fog surrounding your mind and vision.

"No, Y/N. I will come to collect my payment soon."

You want to ask how he knows your name, but you figure it's a demon thing. Besides, you probably couldn't force the words out of your mouth at the moment anyway. His fingers remain on your face, and he didn't break eye contact. He was probably doing this on purpose, trying to lure you into a contract. Too bad for him, he was only wasting his energy. You were going to say yes either way. It was the eye contact, or scent, or.. something! It was him, he was the culprit making you feel this way.

"Yes," you spit out, finding it to be a struggle to make your voice go louder than a whisper.

The urge to throw yourself in his arms and let him care for you for the rest of eternity burns strongly inside of you, but you suppress it. It was his energy, you didn't even know him or anything about him. He presses his body into you eagerly, lips closing in on yours. His figure was so much warmer, compared to your mortal frame. It was thrilling, but terrifying considering you were so close to something that could easily snap you in two. Warmth spreads from the tips of your toes to the top of your head.

There was a swirl of indescribable emotions in your chest when the two of you broke apart. The kiss didn't last near as long as you wished it had. He stepped away from you, and you knew the deal was sealed.

He turns on his heel and marches away. The fog dissipates, the more distance there is between the two of you. There's another strange warmth, and it's creeping it's way up your arm. You roll up your sleeve with slightly cloudy vision, searching for the cause of the feeling. Right below the bend of your elbow is a mark. It materializes into a branded mark, and the symbol is easily recognizable. It's the sigil you drew to summon him. He had stuck a claim on you.

Your head darts up when you hear a violent cough. On the ground, a few feet away from you, is Namjoon. The sigil etched into your skin and every thought of Jungkook disappeared from your mind.

It had been a week since that night, and Namjoon was still pissed. He wouldn't admit it, but his actions spoke volumes. There had been no sign of Jungkook, leaving you regularly on edge. The mark scorched into your skin was obnoxious. At night, you would wake up, convinced someone had put your arm in a boiling pot of water.

"What's next?" Namjoon asked, reaching for one of the flasks on the bottom shelf. He shifts the basket on his arm and starts to stroll along again. You followed behind Namjoon like a lost puppy. "Oil of Abramelin," you responded, eyeing the list carefully.

When Namjoon didn't acknowledge you, you tried to pry once more.

"You can get that here?"

Namjoon kept his back turned to you, but you knew he was rolling his eyes. The building was like a maze, and the fluorescent lights above probably gave away every skin imperfection you had. There was a moment of silence, and then Namjoon sighed. "Humans who want to meddle in the dark arts can't buy anything here."

You frowned, definitely still pissed. You bite your lip, wanting to make a snide remark back, but also not wanting to see a Namjoon meltdown in public. Everything in the store seemed antique. Each item seemed crammed onto the shelf rather than place artistically. The painted text on the aisle directory signs was peeling away.  

Only chunks of words were recognizable, but it didn't help in the slightest. All of the products appeared to be scattered throughout the store carelessly. So, the signs wouldn't have been much help regardless.

Namjoon led you further into the shop, and you could tell the rear of this place rarely was used. Dust had gathered on pretty much every surface available. Even the spiders had abandoned the back of the shop. Their silk webs were now another collector of dust and pollen. Namjoon ignored the cobwebs, plucking thing randomly off of the shelves as he passed them.

"Next?" Namjoon asked, stopping abruptly. You fling your arms out in front of you, trying to avoid crashing into him. You stabilize and fumble with the list.

"Fulgurite," you read, squinting at the word in confusion. "Whatever that is."

Before Namjoon could completely twist around again, you lightly hooked your fingers into the back of his shirt. He studied you with a puzzled expression, "What?"

Feeling awkward, you release his shirt and let your hand drop to your side. "How many times have I apologized already?"

The question comes off slightly harsh, although you don't intend for it to sound that way. You didn't care though, Namjoon would be way too willing to hold this grudge against you for as long as he could. Namjoon glanced around as if he was expecting to see other customers nearby. It's deserted except for the ancient cashier. She was most likely hard of hearing anyhow.

"We've already been through this," he retorted, dropping his voice low.

"Yeah, but-"

You swallowed, trying to force the words to come out of your throat. It became hard to make out the details of the room, and the features of Namjoon. A wave of heat coursed through your veins, starting with the mark. Your ears popped, and the deep voice calling your name went muffled. Through blurred vision, you could see Joon wave his hand in front of your face. Nothing you did stopped the warmth rising in your chest. You buckle over, and you feel cool hands grab you by your shoulders. Namjoon does his best to guide you to the floor as safely as possible.

Then Namjoon's soothing hands disappear. You're drifting. There's no floor underneath you, nothing you can grab onto, and the weight of your clothes is missing. The fear, the worry, it has departed too. You feel abnormally calm, despite what had just happened. You unclench your eyes, startled to see an unfamiliar sky above you. You raised yourself from the bed, breath hitching in your throat.

Jungkook sat, perched right beside you on the bed. His mouth erupts into a sinister grin, and he greets you. "Welcome to Hell."

You were in a room, not outside, you concluded. The ceiling above resembled a night sky. There was something about the way the lights twinkled that made you feel as if it wasn't real. After a few more moments of gazing at the faux sky, your eyes drifted to Jungkook. Jungkook, the reality you didn't want to face. "Hello," you murmur, almost inaudibly.

"You don't sound very happy to see me," he remarks.

Namjoon comes to mind, you envision him on his knees in the shop. He was probably baffled by how you managed to vanish right from his arms. You had absolutely no reason to be happy to see Jungkook. Jungkook shifting on the bed catches your attention. He smirks and crosses his arms, "Oh, I see. You're upset because I interrupted the fight between you and your little boy-toy."

You scoffed, "Namjoon's like a brother to me, it's not like that. Besides, he's obviously not interested, and neither am I."

"Oh, Y/N..." he trails off, shaking his head. At some point, Jungkook had moved closer to you. He snakes his fingers up your arm and to the bend of your elbow. Your heart skips a beat, and for a moment you can't breathe. Jungkook brushes his thumb over the mark, and you swear little sparks shoot up your arm. "How does Namjoon feel about you selling your body to me?"

You lower your eyes, and the deafening silence answers the question. Jungkook tilts your chin up, so you are no longer looking away from him. "You didn't tell him, did you?"

He already knew the answer, but he wanted you to confirm it. You hesitantly shook your head, "Not what I sold."

The arm he was tracing over the mark with slipped itself around your waist. The grip around your waist tightened, and you could feel Jungkook's energy shift. "Y/N, if you genuinely don't want to do this, I won't force you. Tell me now, though, and I'll leave you alone."

You disregarded the sound of your heart beating tensely, trying to think through this carefully. Jungkook called to you softly, "Y/N, I hope you realize I am a very selfish and greedy person. This can be a one-time thing, or we can do it often. Know that I have no plans to share you with someone else though."

This was your chance to say no. From past experiences, you knew you were prone to desiring a relationship, craving the romantic things. Casual sex in the past never really stayed that for you. He could never love you back if you were to fall for him. Yes, Jungkook had the decency to ask you if you wanted this or not. That didn't mean he knew how to love another.

The easy solution was just to say no. Why would you take that route though? You could decide later if you were going to take a gamble at doing this again... For now, you were not going to miss this opportunity. Overcome with desire, you breathe out a faint 'yes.'

Jungkook dipped his head down and kissed you deeply. Your eyes fell closed, and all you could feel was warmth. The warmth of his mouth on yours, the heat from the mark, and the warmth of just his very being. The intoxication that Jungkook had brought upon you last time returned. There wasn't a doubt about it, the King of Hell already had you wrapped around his finger.

You whimper when Jungkook pushes your lips apart with his tongue. He explored your mouth with the intent to claim. He was conveying his message from earlier to you again, he was not going to be willing to share your body with another. Every inch of you was now his.

He broke the kiss, allowing you to catch your breath. Jungkook went for your jaw, sloppily trailing kisses down to your neck. It took a few moments before you realized Jungkook was simultaneously pushing you down onto the bed while marking your neck. He removed himself from your neck with a frustrated growl. Jungkook raised his hand, and the tip of his finger began to glow. With a single touch to your shirt, the material crumbled and dissolved into thin air.

You gasped, shocked by the sudden actions. Jungkook didn't merely stop at your shirt. He proceeded until you were completely exposed and on display for him. His palm found your breast, his fingers massaging it in a way that had your core throbbing. The wet heat between your thighs was growing more and more with each action. He reached for your nipple, gently tugging and rubbing it between his fingertips. This provokes a whine out of you, and he hums contently. His concentration turned to the other breast, and he repeated the same steps.

"You're so fucking pretty," Jungkook uttered, nipping at your sensitive chest once more.  The kisses return, but this time, they're much more rushed. His attention trails lower, down past your ribs and all the way to your thighs. Jungkook parts your legs and moves between them. He resumes his path of kisses, now that your legs are parted.

Although you should expect it, you don't. A sharp moan rips itself from your throat when Jungkook finds your clit. He takes the tender nub into his mouth, flicking his tongue over it in different patterns. You withered underneath his touch, panting wildly. This feeling was so much different compared to your previous partner's attempts. Jungkook had a skilled, very well practiced tongue. He undoubtedly knew what he was doing. Jungkook brings his hands to your hips, striving to still your trembling form.

Jungkook licks a stripe up your slit, and you mindlessly let your hand drift to his hair. You wind your fingers into his hair, and the angle he looks up at you from exposes his glistening forehead. His furrowed eyebrows and the look of concentration on his face made you ecstatic. "Does this feel good, baby?"

"F-Fuck, yes," you whimpered. A squeak escaped you when Jungkook slipped a finger inside of you. He slowly starts to work you open. Your fingers tightened in Jungkook's hair, causing him to groan. He dipped another finger into your wet heat, producing a loud noise from you. You do your best to silence your cries, but with such a cloudy mind, it's a struggle.

Jungkook seems to sense that you're holding back, so he doubles his efforts. "Such a tight little slut, you're taking my fingers so well," he smirks, knowing damn well what his words do to you. He sinks his fingers in and out of you repeatedly, working them faster than before.  "...I can't wait to see how you take my cock."

Not being able to hold back any longer, you let your hips roll to meet the thrusts of his fingers. You were so slick and soaked, at this point there was no way the sheets weren't tainted. Jungkook went back to lapping at your clit, slamming his fingers in and curling them. Your back arched from the bed, sharp pleasure shooting up your spine. Jungkook had hit the sweet spot inside of you, but your brain was so muddled it took you a moment to figure out what he was doing.

His tongue circling and twirling around your sensitive clit grew faster. Jungkook added a third finger, making sure you were nice and fucked out for him. It was beginning to be too much, you didn't know how much longer you could last. You try to cry out Jungkook's name, try to warn him your about to tip over the edge, but you can't. It's too late. You clenched around his fingers, rolling your hips and wailing out his name.

He helps you ride out your orgasm, before drawing himself away from your soaked core. You expected the fogginess to lessen, instead of growing worse. You struggle, trying to scramble upwards. You're so, so tired, but you're dying to continue.

"What are you doing?" Jungkook queries, confusion written all over his features.

"Returning the favor-"

Jungkook puts a hand in front of you, motioning for you to slow down. He stands, letting his clothes disintegrate and disappear. He shakes his head, "You don't seem to understand who makes the decisions around here, but okay. You want me? You'll get me."

You peel yourself from the bed and drop to your knees obediently. Your face was perfectly level to Jungkook's long, throbbing cock. It was standing proudly, a thick vein wrapped from the top to the underside. The way Jungkook was glaring down at you had you feeling eager and more submissive than ever.  You scooted closer, opening your mouth for him. "Good girl," he hums.  

He slid himself over your lips a couple of times in a teasing manner. After a few moments, he finally pushes himself into your mouth. He moved slowly, not stopping until he hit the back of your throat.

You linked your hands behind your back, letting Jungkook have full control of the pace. His fingers met the back of your head, guiding you up and down his length.

"You little slut, you've had plenty of practice, hm? You're taking me pretty well," he grunted, drawing himself out of you until his head was back at your lips. You ignored the ache in your knees, knowing damn well you were going to have a horrible carpet burn later.  Jungkook hisses in pleasure, "Is this how you tainted your soul? By sucking as many dicks as you could so you could become a pro?"

The words made your insides burn once more, just when you thought you were sated.

You were anxious to please, so you hollowed your cheeks against him. You went to bob your head, but Jungkook held you still. You gazed up and met his eyes, causing him to groan. A thick band of sweat was developing on his forehead. His hair was beginning to stick to his forehead. You closed your eyes, trying to focus on breathing. You hear him murmur something along the lines of, 'fucking gorgeous.' You can't make out the rest of the sentence, too concentrated on controlling your breath.

Your throat tightened around him, and for the first time in the session, you gagged. Jungkook yanked you off of him, and you gasped for air. You opened your mouth again, despite your aching jaw. He slid into your mouth with ease, meeting the back of your throat again. This time he was rougher, thrusting quicker and quicker. You knew he was getting close, and he did too. He gave a few more thrusts and then slipped out from between your lips.

You craved Jungkook more than ever now. Lust surged in you, loins stirring. His tone and his harsh words triggered something inside of you that you didn't really understand.  Without speaking, you knew what Jungkook craved from you. You rose and crawled onto the bed. You were correct, your knees were fucked. You didn't pay any more attention to it, needing all of your focus to go to Jungkook.

Jungkook chuckled darkly, a knowing look in his eyes. His voice grows closer and soon enough, he's right behind you. "You're this excited to be fucked by a demon, I can't believe it. I'm a monster. I'm the fucking King of Hell, and yet here you are. You're presenting yourself to me, practically begging for it."

He planted a gentle kiss on your shoulder before rearing his hand back and slapping your ass. You glanced back in shock. One of his hands were busy, pumping up and down his cock. The other hand cracked against your skin, extracting a yelp from you. Jungkook positioned himself over you, and you arched your back into him.

"Please," you whine quietly. Your voice was unsteady, and there was nothing you could do to control it. Jungkook doesn't reply at first, deliberating on his next move. "Are you this eager for all cock, or am I just special?" he growls, delivering another smack to your ass.

"Yours! Only your cock!" you cry out, feeling tears begin to build up. His free hand roamed from your ass to your flooded heat. He cupped your core gently, and you jerked lightly. You were still a bit sensitive from the earlier orgasm. His fingers find your clit, and he flicks his wrists in a circular motion a few times. Just as quickly as the touches came, they disappeared. Your walls uncontrollably grasped and tensed around nothing.

You need him to fill you to the brim already. You needed him to fuck you until you couldn't walk or see straight. Right when your patience started running out, he puts his cock to your entrance. "I'm going to fuck you so hard, you won't be able to think of any other dick than mine. Your poor little boyfriend will never be able to make you feel this way."

You were so worked up, at this point you didn't bother to argue that Namjoon wasn't your boyfriend. He moved his cock up your slit, brushing against your clit. You wiggled excitedly, stomach in knots. The head of his cock found your entrance again. He leans his weight onto you and enters you.

"I'm going to ruin you," he barks, bringing his hand down on your backside. The initial thrusts are slow like he's testing how far your depths go. He was also most likely giving your walls time to adjust to his size. You don't hold back your noises now, letting them spring wildly from your lips. You're glad you had already orgasmed once, so you were slick. This made the glide and stretch so much better.

Then, Jungkook yanks himself from you almost entirely. When he thrusts back in,  it's with nearly enough strength to knock you into the headboard. Your arms trembled, trying to hold yourself up. Jungkook slams into you again, and for a split second, you think you're going to fall face first into the silk sheets. Jungkook's hand travels up to your shoulder, and he helps hold you steady.

"Fuck," you spit out, heavily heaving. Jungkook keeps his promise, each thrust was going to ruin you. He snaps his hips up into you at a ruthless speed. Eventually, your arms do fail on you. Your face was buried into the sheets, along with your fingers twisted into them. "I don't think I've ever felt a pussy as tight as yours, fuck," he rumbles.

Jungkook places his other hand on your shoulder. He uses both arms to yank you up, and to his chest. You're lifted off the bed now, and your legs are thrown over Jungkook's thick thighs. Jungkook never stops pounding into you, although you're pretty much sitting in his lap. His hand travels from his shoulder, past your collarbones, and to your throat.

He wraps his hand gently around it, ever so slightly constricting your breathing. You snap your hips down onto him the best you can. Your tits bounce lewdly, and you can do nothing but helplessly moan. Jungkook seemed to like this angle, not wanting to release you or your throat. You rotated your hips and did your best to grind down onto him with equal passion. He releases your throat but decides to hook his arms under your own. He lets you lean forwards slightly, so the only thing keeping you from smacking your face onto the bed is his arms hooked around your shoulders.

The coil in your tummy was threatening to snap, but you urged it away. There was a tiny sense of control you had before, but now there was none. Jungkook had inhuman strength and could toss you around as he pleased. Jungkook is close to your ear, panting heavily. Somehow, he knows. "That's right, baby. You don't come until I tell you that you can. You're fucking mine."

Jungkook knew your body so well. He knew how to press your buttons and how to play with you flawlessly. He found the spot inside of you that he had previously discovered with his fingers. He angled his body so he could repeatedly jab his cock into that place. A scream erupts from your sore throat, and you try to find something to grasp onto.

You find nothing, though, and let your hands fall limply to your sides. Your limbs came back to life though when the pads of Jungkook's fingers find your clit. You nearly come on the spot but manage to choke it back. Your hands clamped around his wrist, trying to make him stop circling your sensitive nub. There was no way, you weren't going to last. There wasn't a single sign he was planning to slow down, either.

"I'm close, baby. Don't worry," Jungkook snarls. His words come off as harsh, but also endearing. His thrusts turned sloppy, and you knew he was telling the truth. No matter how messy, he was still more skilled than any other man you had ever been with.

"Come, come for me like the good girl you are," he orders, hips giving their final few jerks. You couldn't deny him even if you wanted to. The blistering, white-hot heat courses through you. He fills you immediately, and you were slightly surprised by the unfamiliar feeling. Never had someone stuffed you so full. Or filled you at all. Jungkook goes to pull out, and most of the liquid flows out from your walls.

He positions you carefully on the bed. You blink slowly, entirely spent. "You did so well for me, Y/N. Thank you," Jungkook coos. You can't see his facial expression, because you're too tired to open your eyes. Jungkook cleaned you up the best he could, and soon enough you passed out with him realizing it.

You crack your eyes open, yawning contently. There was no alarm obnoxiously beeping, forcing you to wake up. It was merely sunlight seeping through your curtains and the sound of the birds outside chirping. Jungkook must have brought you home while you were resting. Jungkook, wait? What?

Memories of last night flood you, and you raise straight up. The memories were slightly blurry, almost like you had been drunk. You frown, and after a minute or so, it becomes clear. You had held up your end of the deal.

Something still seems wrong though. You drag yourself from your bed and glance in the mirror. There are no visible bruises on you or your neck. You notice you're wearing the exact same clothes you were before Jungkook had destroyed them. After a minute or two of staring at yourself, you think you know what's wrong.

You roll up your sleeve, the mark was still there.

Jungkook had forgotten to remove it. Fuck.

[opalite-deer-blog]

VENT TIME AGAIN

Boy do I wanna scream. I’m sorry if I seem whiney, or if this sounds like “Namedropping” but I really, REALLY am in trouble here. I’m in a bad relationship, and it’s hurting me. I’m sleeping 12+ Hrs a day, not really eating, trippled my smoking habit... its bad.

SO That guy who thinks we’re dating just keeps getting more and more delusional. And to make matters worse, he keeps trying to change things to impress me? 

The school I’m going to is known for Police and investigation, Education, agriculture and Engineering.  I’m using it to get an investigative background so when I’m a Prosecutor, I am able to use that knowledge to my advantage. Ive known for a while that this was a thing I wanted to do. WELL this guy, who has a whole bunch of other careers chosen (Such as Nuclear Engineering), now is saying he wants to go to law school... Cause I said that was MY plan. 

He also is getting more and more delusional. I believe in pendulums and spiritual energy. (I’m not religious, but those are my beliefs, yes I do crystals, no they will not cure my depression, You think I haven't tried????), I had my pendulum out once, and was asking Kin questions since... I was. He then starts talking about how he can see ghosts? And the way he described it... god it was bad. He also touched my pendulum, which is a BIG no no for me. YOU DO NOT TOUCH MY PENDULUMS!! (ESPECIALLY not without asking me, and even then, Jay Mira, which is my main one, is always a NO) 

He also keeps making me sick to my stomach since I’m Apothisexual (Sex repulsed), and demiromantic, and he keeps touching me, and telling me how much he loves me. He also has idolized me as some savior, when I NEVER REALLY EVEN SAID YES. I have shown NO interest in this guy, and he just assumes that’s how I function. He keeps talking about how “He almost killed himself, but didn't because of me” and how ‘He feels like I've saved him from insanity” 

He literally said he wanted to be my friend on a Monday, then the next day (While walking back to our res hall since we live in the same one XP), he told me he had fallen in love with me (Yes, that strong) and wanted to know if I would date him. I *very unsure need I add* said “um... I don't know? I guess? Sure?” I assumed that was the NORMAL thing of “Lets date a few times, and see how things go” (Which I assume is normal), but literally, the FIRST time we hung out outside of class, he was already calling me his boyfriend, and talking about how much I meant. This hasn't even been a week and he’s already saying he loves me. I don't say anything back. I never did. this isn't even “Moving too fast”, this is “you said ‘maybe’ so you’re officially mine forever”. 3 days later, he was literally telling me about how “His roommate was out for the weekend ;)” and was changing clothes around me (No I was NOT comfortable with that, I just stayed a distance away and focused on something else). He even went so far as to show up at my room at 12 AM on *technically* Saturday, asking if he could see me *my roommate kicked him out REALLY fast, bless him <3* now he keeps talking about how he “is going to be with me forever” and that I “Saved him”. IT HAS BEEN 1 FUCKING WEEK.

I’m not trained in dealing with this shit... why do you think I had a 3 year abusive friendship? Why I can't say no to people. I HAVE NO CLUE. I genuinely do not know how to function socially. If I do something wrong or that seems abusive, I NEED someone to TELL ME, otherwise I DO NOT KNOW. 

Even with my social ignorance, I still know that this is not healthy, and that I need to get out of here. Im afraid though. I’m afraid of what’s going to happen when I do. Like I said, he’s been threatening suicide, ect, He’s also told stories about beating people up. I know he’s delusional, and it’s clear that it’s on a level that I should be afraid for my own safety around him. I just don't know what’s going to happen to me, and it scares me. I know I need to, that this is getting dangerous for me, and that I need out. doesn't mean I��m not scared...

I just... I gotta get out of this. one way or another. 

[royalrastafariannaynays]

i’m a dirty rotten ace inclusionist, and here’s why

so against my better judgement and some advice from friends, ive decided to make a post about ace discourse

because it just kinda... hurts to see shit about it every day. and i feel like a broken record saying that, but it hurts. 

if youre reading this, and youre an exclusionist, please read the entire thing and don’t come storming into my inbox to tell me hurtful shit because odds are, ive seen it already and im sure im not gonna cover everything, just some of the stuff ive seen today

So, me. ill tell my story even tho no one asked for it, because unfortunately on this website people demand proof of person in order to give someone validity or some shit. im asexual. and i stick to that, because i don’t really experience attraction or arousal at all. that changes sometimes, but rarely. im genitals-repulsed as well. but i am still intimate with my partner sometimes, and sometimes i force the candle to light, because idk i get bored. 

but when i figured out i was ace, i was texting my best friend. and he suggested it, and immediately i felt broken and wrong thinking about the fact that i could be ace. I had to be convinced that it was okay. that’s something that non-ace people dont seem to get. not feeling sexual, or sexual about other, real people, can make you feel broken. it makes me feel like shit, and i have some dysfunction with partners as well. i have trauma in my past, but im convinced that doesn’t have too much to do with it. And maybe it’s a temporary thing, and ill change in the future. But that doesn’t change the fact that it makes me feel like less of a human being when i think about it. and i have no doubt that the idea has crossed other ace peoples’ minds before. “am i broken?” i ask my girlfriend that question so much. because my body doesnt do this thing that both science and the modern media and society tell me that it should do, and should do very easily. my FAMILY tells me its weird and ill be fine. my FRIENDS don’t get it. my mother thinks it’s horseshit. and there’s another thing.

i kinda feel like, if someone is gonna go excluding ace people and shoving them out, will i be shoved out for being closeted, or straight-passing when im not with my girlfriend, as well? it’s a legitimate fear and it feels really bad. and then, can you imagine how it feels having a portion of my identity actively shat on by this website? every fucking day of this month? the pride month?

another thing that non-ace people dont seem to understand or consider, either, is the dysphoria that ace people experience. ace people frequently hate their bodies, feel like they don’t belong in them, or feel separated from normalcy by what they are. 

it’s not a “whose suffering is worse” game, though we can still understand that people face greater harm and trials in their life by being different parts of lgbt, and allow people who suffer less, like say people who are closeted, bi or pan people who are “straight passing” dating the opposite gender, etc, to be a part of it. in my experience, lgbt+ is about acceptance and love, and ill stick to that. yes it’s possible to recognize that say, a trans woman would suffer more than a cishet ace. but that doesnt mean that one should be less allowed to be a part than another.

“ace people aren’t oppressed” well no maybe not to the degree that the typical lgbt person is, but around the world people are forced into obligatory sexual situations they may or may not want, and if they refuse or cannot perform, they can be labeled as broken, thrown out of their home, or r*ped. there is social pressure from the intensely sexual modern media; there is social pressure from society and family; there is social pressure from significant others and partners to perform, and then, especially for women, there is pressure to accept things, and there is pressure to perform sexually in order to have a happy life; IE: having children, families, satisfied partners, and so on. no, these aren’t as significant outwardly as “getting stabbed to death for existing” ((which yeah, does happen, but is an extreme example that someone i know loves to use to win arguments by playing the manipulative “of course this means you care less about the human lives of gay men than the thing you’re arguing for” card. im not saying that situations are equal here, jesus, im saying that oppression exists in many forms)). and, for a society where sex is a function that bodies easily perform, it seems easy enough to go along with things. But for some people, bodies either do not or will not perform. or there is repulsion, or other things and i lost my train of thought. got distracted, my apologies

ace people might be cishet, yeah, but that doesnt mean they belong any less in my opinion. no, i dont think they should be able to call themself qu**r, thats stupid. they aren’t allowed to reclaim any slurs that dont belong to them. that’s also really fucking stupid. and im sorry, but no decent person will try to do that. and why not let them come to the club, okay? they still face problems. like i say maybe fifty billion times in this post, yes, they don’t face the same problems, but they still have them. 

“start your own community” where? how? if you can give me a legitimate answer on this without frothing at the mouth, please do. But i have no idea how ace people are going to go into starting a community without being ridiculed, shoved aside and stuff. i have no idea how they are all going to bond and meet over a lot of different pipelines of communication, like the ones in communities they are already a part of. shoving people out, putting a stake in the middle of the cracks in the floor, it does nothing to strengthen our community. 

“well this person treated me badly” yes and that exists everywhere on this hellsite. I’ve seen a lot of shit, im sure you have too/

the split attraction model, in my opinion, is useful. but mainly for ace people, or aro people, to make describing themself easier in a shorthand. that’s what the model is best for. and if you come into my inbox and say stuff about how “someone forced the split attraction model on me” that was an individual person and does not lend to the usefulness of the model. and then if you come into my inbox with something about “the split attraction model harms people who arent ace and lets people deny their sexuality”. it is a tool. no one forced you to use it. im certainly not saying everyone should use it. in fact, maybe a lot of the people who do use it, should not. but i like the split attraction model, especially for myself. because i can easily identify and people know what im talking about. that simple. 

okay, that’s all i wanted to say. i wish i had a concrete conclusion but i am just. really tired. i need to unfollow some people. i just wanted to get it off my chest, and say my peace in a place i can find it. again, sorry for my mobile people

[clwnpunk]

very rape/csa/cocsa trigger heavy.

God okay so I made a post about #MeToo on twitter and now my brain won’t leave me alone until I mentally go through ALL THIS SHIT so im just ! dumping it here where family is least likely to see it!! oh boy!!

the base i had for my childhood was fucking weird. i grew up watching the sopranos about as much as i watched dora because my father doesn’t fucking know how to be appropriate around kids even after having a lot of his own. sex was introduced to me very young in abstract ways i didn’t understand. 

it was the same for my brother, maybe even moreso, because my dad at least covered my eyes occasionally given that i was “the baby” and i can’t help but wonder how much that contributes to what i went through as a child.

i was... raped? molested?.....whatever. throughout most of my childhood by my older brother.  i don’t remember how old i was when it started. i was too young.  it went on about till i was 13. it got worse over time. i was groomed. a lot. when it first started, he called it “the game,” and we weren’t supposed to get caught, we’d hide in closets or wherever we weren’t seen. all i knew was that i’d be in trouble if my parents found out, i didnt really understand what was going on at all. it was a game, a secret game. i liked secrets. i liked feeling sneaky. i was a tiny kid. i didn’t know. it was a game. it was supposed to be a game. i dont even remember why i thought it was a game, i don’t remember a ton from the very beginning because i was so young. then when i got older and games weren’t really something i was super into anymore and i got uneasy with hiding things.. it was a bribe. he’d do something for me if i’d play the game with him again. i still didn’t understand. didn’t get why that was weird, he just wanted to play a game i didn’t want to play anymore, so i’d cave.  a little older. i felt off. i was depressed as hell, my anxiety was forming. my mother and my brother were the only consistencies in my life, and my mom was at work most of the time to support us. it wasn’t a game anymore. now he was “checking up on me.” it was different now. it was more. it was worse. this is when i start to consider it actual rape. he said good older brothers do it. he said he just wanted to make sure i was coming along right. i was a preteen. i started going through puberty pretty early, it seemed like. i don’t know why i believed this one. i guess because everything from when i was younger made it seem okay. and because he was the only person that was always around, i trusted him. kind of. i trusted him when he wasn’t telling me about the more violent parts of his mind. i may have been starting to develop a fear of him at this point? im definitely afraid of him now.  but it got worse. it got so bad. he started talking at this point. he started saying things. it makes me feel fucking disgusting. he was definitely old enough to understand at this point. he compared parts of me to his girlfriend. it’s fucking gross it’s so gross it’s so sos os bad it’s so bad it makes me feel so gross. we were still hiding in closets, or under my loft bed. i wish i knew that was weird. but at that point it was just normal. it was just what we did. i’d been doing it so long.  he was bigger than me. he was angry. he told me he had a list of people he wanted to kill and i wasn’t on it, yet. he threw things at me. he used to do sexual shit to his girlfriend in front of me, further ruining any sort of comfort i had with sexuality, and he’d get so mad when i’d try to protest it. one time i asked his girlfriend why he was okay with it and she started crying and he got so mad he threw a chair at me. a big chair, like a weird wooden ikea lounge chair, not a folding chair or some shit. i got big enough to feel the grime. to say no. to stop listening. he stopped. i assume because if he forced me, he was afraid id talk. because until this point, id been groomed. and that wasn’t working anymore, i was old enough to understand what sexuality was and feel REALLY FUCKING BAD having it ANYWHERE NEAR ME. So it didn’t work anymore. God I was so sex repulsed. I still get uncomfortable with sex scenes in movies or tv. Even when my parents are watching something in the other room and I overhear it, whatever, any sort of sexual anything that i didn’t specifically look for makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable, makes me feel dirty, makes me wanna bash my head against a wall, makes me wanna scratch off all my skin and tear out my insides, makes me wanna stick my head in the microwave I only really started to understand what happened to me when I was about 16. I had sort of pushed out all of those memories. I don’t remember what brought them forward again but god do i wish I could erase it. tear it out of my brain. go back and tell my young young self that this isn’t okay, this isn’t normal, you should never keep a secret involving your body, your brother is a monster in disguise, just because he’s there doesn’t mean he’s good.. tell someone tell someone tell someone i wish i had told someone this went on for so so long i wish i would have just said something to somebody and now it’s so far gone it’s so in the past nothing could be done about it no one would believe me anyway and there’s no way of proving it it was too long ago in different places than i am now... and if my mom believed me she would be destroyed she already feels like she’s failed as a parent if she knew the monster my brother really is she’d shatter i couldn’t do that to her

anyways

i needed to purge that from my soul for the moment. i feel gross. i don’t know if it’ll ever go away. i wish i’d known better. i wish it never happened. i wish i were dead. i wish my brother was dead. i wish my childhood circumstances were different. i wish my mother was around to NOTICE the hiding. I wish I had fought back. I wish I had even KNOWN to fight back but the fact that I didn’t is what makes it worse because it feels so disgusting having been groomed is the worst feeling because I didn’t know I didn’t know it was wrong I didn’t know it was bad I didn’t know I didn’t know I can’t even say the full thought because it makes me feel so disgusting but I didn’t know I didn’t know It was just a GAME I didn’t understand

[astraltraveller]

Learning after November 2016

  There have been 4 instances after November. In those times, I realized a few things. 

PK wanted to date and continued to message for a while and continues to, almost a year later. I’m not sure what he expects of me when I do. I will still be single at that time but I just don’t really get what he wants from this if I really don’t see myself dating him. The interesting thing is that he really did want to date, asap, even knowing that he was a rebound. And still does.

CJ has always been into me and has always made it clear, even when I wasn’t single. The narrative only became more intense after the breakup actually happened. Multiple hangouts, kissing the first time and more the second. Made it clear that if he wasn’t going to HK, that he would date. Someone he could envision spending you know, a long time together. Liking how I argue and knows how to do it. 

AF is someone that I was genuinely into enough when we first started talking. Enough that I started to look forward to seeing him at the gym and liking his invitation for “coffee”. Liking that he was moving things slowly at a gradual pace, not unlike G, who was much too blunt and fast. I liked that he was engaged, and had a different kind of maturity. No weird mocking or tone at that time. I liked that he was interested in what I did and was never over the top. Just all around polite, not cringe, and seemed seasoned. After the drinks, I was interested. The first was at Duke and Devon outside. . Said I left with a cold hug, but to be fair, I wasn’t sure if this was where things were going. the second was also at Mengrai, followed by a walk at the park, the same one with AP. It was fun and we talked about personal things, but somehow I didn’t like being so close to him physically. It started with some leg stroking very lightly. There was some handholding that was oh-so-awkward... clearly I wasn’t into it the way I think he was expecting. We weren’t even holding hands properly. It felt clinical. I was horny but not enough to want to actually engage... would have liked to take it slower, beer or not. Then he went in for the kiss which I admit was exciting and where I had been interested in seeing it go, but not sure if I actually wanted to be the one experiencing it. It was nice. But this guy was clearly all over me and standing over me all strange in public at the park bench. I’m not sure how I felt about it. The walk back to union was the first indication of his fetishes. not sure how I felt about it. Not good. was a bit turned off and confused that he was looking for something too soon. The next times at gym, it was talk of the fondling and what happened, but i didn’t feel sparks the way I had wanted to. There was slight mentioning of “his place” but I wasn’t quite sure about it. The next time we met, it was Gioranna’s with half a bottle of wine, the car fiasco, and as i was in my patch escapade, it was all above the waist downstairs. Then was that fight later that night, which to me, was more than anything an indication of me testing his limits and also preventing whatever what was happening from going too much further. It ended in the car with me saying that this whole situation was nothing like I had been through before. A passed wife, him being 18 years my senior, moving so quickly, a different kind of experience. A bit too much detail on his fetishes. Next was Kalyvia, where things happened. I liked it. I will admit that I was so, so satisifed and couldn’t stop thinking about it, was definitely rare for what it was and with who it was. There were other days of drinks after gym, but already at this point I realized it was just lust for what was fun. I will admit that I was still at least slightly uncertain about my feelings about him. The more time I spent, the more I realized it was purely physical. The emotioanl connection was dwindling fast - it was always talking about what we had done and what we would do next and what he liked, but I was uncomfrotable with PDA, kissing, holding hands in public, etc. I was not dating him. “I’m not in a position to date” is what I have been saying for the past while. That is not true. I am ready to date. Whether it’s getting back with my ex or committing to someone new, I am ready but whatever is next will likely not be my last relationship. I’m a baby. But what I truly meant is “I don’t want to date you, but i want to spare your feelings so I will tell you that I don’t want to date *anyone* because life is not right for it”. But how can that be? 1. If you care enough about someone and you don’t want to lose them to someone else, you will want to date them. 2. I’ve been told this recently and I know what a load of bullshit it is. It’s a cop-out. The more you insist, the less I believe that you are being “honest”. Regardless. After that experience, it got to the point where I would find a lot of our interactions cringey. I hated his mocking, childish chiding tone about “working out together”, “cinderella, call me cin”, and a bunch of other crap I uncovered when I took his offer to stay over at his place for what reason, I don’t know. I regretted the decision more and more as I got through the day. And by the time it was time for dinner and we started talking about sports, I was seriously dreading how much longer it was until it was time to go home. I couldn’t wait for an early morning because I could leave him sooner. It was the first time I felt, this is what it must feel like to be sleeping with someone or spending nights with someone you just absolutely abhor. It’s an awful feeling and one would always choose to be alone if they could. I hate how he argues. He does a terrible, terrible job at it and is way too defensive. Saying things like “I knew that” when I said I don’t like beaches, then saying “actually I didn’t”.... “I knew that” was his first jump to defensiveness when it’s time for him to face something he iddn’t know. and that discussion about the bell curve? not my first time either. and you know what else is cringe? when he goes on and on and on about the finance language. it’s classic, the ones who know the least and like the image of knowing about finance/their specialty (ie. crystal savin) and show it off as an accessory, are the ones who are the most vocal about certain acronyms because they don’t have the internal confidence in their own knowledge. I ihated him dropping those acronyms or, like that night I spent over, me saying “opportunity” or “intrinsic” suddenly meant “opportunity cost” or “intrinsic value”. I absolutely hate it when people have to go out of their way to flaunt some kind of feature and try to hard. If you are smart, it will speak for itself. As will wealth, which will come through in class and in how you carry yourself, not in what you carry or what you say. I absolutely hate every time he does that, and I cannot imagine who will not be able to see through it. Everyone will. It is so cringe and exactly what I dn’t like, and it’s so sad that it came out after we had a chance to talk more. The night over was one of the most uncomfortable nights of my life. The first round was alright, a mini version of the previous. But I was just not in the mood for more and I was absolutely revolted at his attitude during the dinner and while at his place. The part where he talked about his passed mother and brother were more scary than anything, which is why I sat up and listened in the dead of the night. The next morning, I was already uncomfortable enough and then it became something worse. I hate his poorly hemmed and tailored pants and shirt - this has shattered my perception of people working in the financial district as people who are all equally seasoned. Then his need to say that the coffee was greek and therefore that meant it was strong. And him making this freaking loud conversation on the train at 8:30 in the morning in the lower level where everyone is slseeping, saying vocally what I do when i’m sleeping, saying how many job opportunities he gets offered through linkedin that end up in his spam - you think you’re special? - and still using freaking hotmail! I felt so uncomfortable that night and honestly I didn’t want to even look at him the rest of the way. oh god, andh im bragging while we were waiting for the train at danforth go that he used to jump into the tracks for fun, using “being drunk” as an excuse, and then saying that he used to “Be a badass”. I just... that doesn’t make you a badass, and being drunk when doing shit like that is not something you should be proud off. I texted later because I felt bad knowing that he did let me stay over, paid for half the dinner, and did confide in me wiht some very personal things... but no more. no more dinners, no more drinks, and absolutely heck NO MORE NIGHTS STAYING OVER. sex? maybe. I don’t know. but it’s a mental turn off to an extent so sudden and so repulsing for me that i honestly don’t see myself getting drawn to this and paying the price of some time just for (honestly) the biggest I’ve had. and I like that it was very, very, very involved, experience, and pleasure-centered for me.

Also, “Bristol Board”? I can’t believe I didn’t remember how annoying that was before I really confirmed staying over.

VG: this one’s a weird one. im not sure how to describe how i feel about this iether becuase it was just a few days ago and it was jarring. as i said, every guy ive ever been intimate with has etiher full on dated me or had expressed interest in dating me (PK, AF) or has told me that if they weren’t moving halfway across the world (CJ), would date, that they have always wanted, and that they can imagine a future being a petty lil couple. im just gonna say what comes to mind becuase i dont have an analysis on exactly wher ethis is going or what exactly happened. i also think the entire sitaution is been very cryptic and that i am possibly at fault for trying to see what wasnt there. its not esperation because i dont need to be with someone. how i would describe it is that we had intriguigin conversations many times over the course of a few months. we exchanged stories about sex, relatoinships, and the parat that strikes me is when he was talking about this one girl (russian?) who thought that was into her but it wasn’t really that way. did i become taht person? the hard part, is do you really invite people for drinks twice that you aren’t intersted in knowing more about? it’s ok if we are just frinds, but is that really what we are? i would not accept drinks iwht someon iwasn’t into. i wouldn’t hug someone after drinks that iwasn’t into. i woudln’t ask for a second time. l wouldn’t message them regularly or try to talk to them everyday that i see them. andi most defintiely wouldnt talk about bringing them over for drinks if i didnt want to spend time with them one on one in my place. i used to be the pedantic googler who would check every site adn figure out “WHY DID HE DO THIS WHAT DOES IT MEAN?” but really it seems to be that this is all some kind of strange ruse. none of it is real. in hidnsight i should have googled “what does it mean when a guy invites you over to his place for drinks alone one-on-one”? is that really platonic? if it is, then why doesn’t it feel platonic? why am i not doing that with all my male friends, and why, when that has hapened, has there been some sort of interest (if only them towards me?) i felt trickd and hurt when that happened. i dont want to go over the top and dig out high school me, but things were not always completely non-indicative in the office. nor were they non-indicative the first time we did something outside, which was sin and redemption or some white bar. which i didnt let go to my head, because that was normal until the vanilla comment at which i regret making, and which was totally platonic anyway because he had some coffee thing after. the second time was the sangria at that sapnish place, where that was a very long chat. he could tell that lester liked me becuase we had talked for hours on end and clealry enjoyed each other’s company, but of cousre suddenly when VG does the same, what is it? you tell me. it was interesting that day aftewrads at the starbucks, and the short thing after saying something about hosting. (before that time, i asked to ramen). then the time after that was at the canaidan very very very whtie bar then impromptu pub crawl to c’est what, and that’s when things go interesting in terms of sex talk and talking deper about stuff that wasnt quite talked about. and that time in the dog park? bzcercy? wtf was that? it was so strange. that was the first indication to me that i might be on the right track, but im starting to feel like it was an undeserved mirage. then were hte messages aafter, which yes ufture me u can go back and read them in all hteir glory. then there was that banter about hosting, which ended up happening, and i was thrilled.

day of, 2pm,some bday thing, “just remembered”, “going till midnight” hahaohahahoahoahaohoa. at this pont, i was displeasured. i was expecting, on guard the whole time, knowing that this was a very certain possibility. and it happened, and i thought maybe this guy was differnet. maybe it’s not what i thought. but you know what all those sites say? when someone has plans after that are more important, it’s becuase you aren’t important. and you should be careful.

4:20pm, how funny now that i actually read that. maybe i should be wary and avoid events that involve 420. a bottle of wine later, i realize that things started taking a downturn the second that they moved to the coach. why the FUCK did you move close to me, and why were you so open to me in the positions i was in, if that was not the intention? a one-night stand? a fuckbuddy? why chase after someone just to let them go? fo rsome reason, which i forgot (alcohol really does do things to your memory)  -  the conversation got to a point where i moved over and things started. i dont know why. and then i offered to move to the room because, well, most people don’t do this stuff in full view? why did you agree to it? why let me do it? why be in that position? why so into it?

8pm, i realize this was a mistake. i realize he was like all the other guys. problem areas: “would never bring you up again” - not that i want to be up there again. but why? do you have foresight? in what world is  bringing up a girl that you have shown previous interest in (ASSUMED, MAY BE INCORRECT.!.!) is supposed to be a chill way to chat? did i read something wrong? you nei ther want to date nor be fuckbuddies, and after tha time i realized that i would never want to date this person in the near future. having a convesration about dating should not be pulling teeth. and there is no worse feeling than knowing that you are in a relationship because someone wnated it more than the other. and when they dont make a move to hide it.

was i emotional because i drank? i dont think so. i was actually gutted. i knew it in my heart of hearts. i knew it because i had just went through one of the most uncomfortable nights of my life with AF thati kn ew i would need afew days to recover from, and i was running confused in all these directions to and from my ex. i realized and showed my ex that i missed his company, misssed how he made me feel, how he was one person i felt fully comfortable with, missed how he didnt make me cringe, didnt make obnoxious music bopping moves with his hands, - no AF - i did not like “hanging out with you” because you had young tendenceis and nonstop talked about freaking “UNDERGROUND” rap artists and 70s rock people. I had just come off such a low that i didn’t disclose to anyone - feltl ike the first time i had a true walk of shame and true disgust at a person when i left AF - that i felt like i went throug something traumatic that i had sadly vountarily put myself through. and i wanted something to mend it, something to show me it was ok, like my ex. but that’s been happening for the past while. and i think maybe a part oaf me hoped that VG would be a solution, something mending for that. i think that contriuted to me being emotional. but i know that it wasnt completely uprooted jus because of AF. I was uprooted and just thrown for a loop because of the realization of what hapened. i dont remember what happened beween the bedroom and the couch and the leaving but i do remember vividly realizing what an awful mistake i had made. and i couldnt blame anyone, just like when i bite my tongue. 

“do what you think feels right to you” is the most powerful way you can see someone’strue colours. i had never ever ever cried after sex with someone or spending intimate time with someone for the first time. not with SN, definitey not with PK - iwas over the moon, CJ was a big aha moment and realization of what could have been but the parting felt right, AF was really quite incredible. i think it was his aloofness and actually feeling like crashing down after someone lets you on. dont get me wrong, im a changed person after PK because i raelize that it’s totally possible to be so physically staissfied by someone but so emotionally detached and uninteresed... which was the case for PK and AF, but especially so for AF because of the pseudo-intellectual nature - which is my biggest pet peeve. i dont need to be with someone just because i fuck them. i guarantee that to you. sexual and emotional attraction are two separate things. so that’s how i know deep down that this is not the old undergrad innocent me believing that anytime i engage in something clsoe-knit --- that that must mean im all over the person and need to stick with them. i think this was something different b ecause i really thought he was different. and body language doesn’t lie. but i dont trust body language anymore, not in its ability to say the truth, but in its ability to be the truth and the first line of offense for someone’s decisiosn and choices. i dont know what hte apology or uber serious message is supposed to mean or be about, and i think i spent about 30 seconds seriously thinking about it before just considering it as wiping up some dank mess. but what i learned from this guy, who somehow managed to hurt me more quickly than anyone else ive been with, but yet i could imagine being with, is nto to take people’s actions at face value. all the sites are wrong. do not open yourself up. be careful. look at the people who have been pining after you for a year, trying their damnest to get you back, people who don’t see your message and ignore, people who apologize for a late message, people who don’t bring up a joke that was ignored yesterday with  a tardy response, people who when its’ convenient, strike up a conversation and reply reliably over fb (or not). i was about to say that i dont doubt that he’s a good person, but im suddenly apprehensive. i think he is mature. but i dont think that the game that was played was ever in my favor if i had known this was the endgame.

i dont uuslaly write things like this. but a lot has happened over the past year, but particularly over the past 4 months ish, and i would also say over the past 4 weeks. and i want to forget a lot of it. but first i have to put it down, let it all out, trust in myself - the same way i really put a dream to rest once the key words are down - that once this is all said and done, literally, that i make peace with myself.

 i guess my body knew, so i downed all that wine. i want to forget a lot of it because it reminds me that i cnanot always be in control, and that everyone has their own hidden agenda. i played the game with AF and got played by VG. even if that wasn’t their intnetion, i felt like i got a taste of my own medicine somehow, even though -- as i type this -- it still doesn’t make total sense becasue i don’t do the invitingfor drinks. I get invited. I guess sometimes yo utake the plunge and are honest, and when you go for it, it’s not what you want. which, for some reason, losing whtaever as a friend or whatever this shit is really sad, but i also feel like iSHOULD have been sadder for what happened. if high school self read this, i’d be mortified at myself and i would cry buckets of tears on my behalf. but this hurt less than it should have. i think the first few hours really sucked. i was in my own world on the subway. and then i think somehow things just settled in once i had a chacne to talk with SN. and when i realized that guys are 27, still growing up, still learning. i ca’nt fault them. i’m learning myself too. i can just hope i dont cause the same mixed sense, mixed signal, shot in the dark, russian roulette kind of damage i dont think i deserve.