#it would have been easier for me to stay cis but that would come ultimately at the cost of my life because i'm not cis

[uncanny-tranny]

It really is evident to me that cis people, on average, view trans identity as this idea that we transition for social benefit.

I was listening to my manager talk about how she "understands how chicks would want to be guys" because the only thing a guy has to deal with is "awkward boners." She then said she can't "understand how a guy would turn into a chick" because it isn't like "being a chick is all that good."

I had to stop myself from being offended because it's really incorrect what she said. Being cis would be easier. I had to closet myself to make sure I could get this job, so how is my manhood easier than being cis?

This plays into the idea that not only do trans people only identify as their gender for social/financial/political gain, but that being trans even earns you that in the first place. I'm sorry to say, but being trans is not easier than being cis. We don't have anything to gain, politically/socially/financially, by being trans.

I need cis people to understand that this mindset is part of the reason why it's so fucking scary and exhausting to be trans around cis people.

[decodingellipses]

Modern Love: He Made Affection Feel Simple

[courtesy of Brian Rea]

"Dating as a transgender woman, in my experience, meant low expectations and casual sex. Then I met Jack."

This piece is part of the Modern Love column at The New York Times

by Denny

My bio on Grindr read: “Be trans friendly. Send face to chat.”

It was difficult to be on a gay hookup app as a trans woman. Most men in my feed desired to only sleep with each other. But I knew there were straight men on Grindr who hungered for a woman like me. I wanted them too.

That’s where I met Jack. At 22, he was a few months older than me, and, other than his age, his entire profile was blank, usually an indicator of a cisgender straight man who was guarded about his attraction to trans women. Typically, the messages I received would start with a vulgar sext, sometimes an unwanted nude photo.

Living in Morningside Heights, I was attending Fordham University for my master’s degree in strategic communication. One night I was up late working when I received a Grindr message from him, a selfie. Amid his light brown hair, two-day scruff and meek gaze, his lacrosse T-shirt stood out to me the most. He looked like a sporty boy I would have crushed on in high school.

He followed up his photo with “Hello.”

Messages in my Grindr inbox tended to cut to the chase: “Down for now?” “Car sesh?” Men who contacted me because they fantasized about trans women made it difficult for me to feel seen as a person in general, let alone a person worthy of respect.

Although my interest was piqued by Jack’s picture, it was his gentleness that drew me in.

Our sporadic small talk was harmless, spanning two months. I brushed him off, but as I commuted to school and spent hours in the library, he was persistent.

“My sex drive is pretty low these days,” I wrote. “Give me a bit and I’ll hit you up.”

“OK.”

When I turned back to my studies, he added, “Just so you know, we can do non-sex things and hang out too. It would be fun.”

This became our pattern: he being distant enough to show interest without pressure, and me appreciating his laxity, given my demanding schoolwork. His ease led me to trust him, so we set up a day to meet.

The first afternoon Jack came over, he admired my bathtub and drank his cup of water with two hands. His poised demeanor in a beige wool peacoat and long scarf reminded me, in a good way, of John Bender in “The Breakfast Club.” In my bedroom, he fixated on my yellow Power Ranger figurines, noticing my framed academic award next to them on the windowsill.

“You went to SUNY Oneonta?” he said. “I went to SUNY Potsdam.”

I pictured my friends who also attended Potsdam eating in the same cafeteria as Jack, getting drunk at the same frat party. Suddenly, the person I’d seen as a stranger now fit into my world.

I imagined what the deer looked like from his dorm room window, roaming the grass at dawn. Or how he spent his day when the school canceled classes because of snow. Or where he would have gone if his parents were able to afford private school.

We sat on my bed, my back leaning against the wall. He slouched his head onto my hip and wrapped his arms around my waist. “This is weird,” I thought. Aside from sexual intimacy, my hookups were typically aromantic, absent of cuddling and expressions of affection.

I kissed him and rolled on top. I took off my shirt and he hugged me tight. His face dug into my chest as he said, “I like you. I think you’re really cool.”

Unsure how I actually felt, I said, “Oh. I think you’re really cool, too.”

The next time I saw Jack, he spent the night at my place. It was then, awake in bed at 4 a.m., that I realized I had never let a guy sleep over before. His heat warmed the bed, so I crept to the bathroom to cool off. I Snapchatted a disoriented selfie to my friends, my hair messy and eyes bloodshot.

“How do you guys do this sleepover thing?” I wrote. “I can’t sleep at all.”

Customarily, my flings with strange men were brief. The men did not take note of my bathtub or my educational history before sex, and they did not linger after.

I came back into bed, disturbed by the rumble of his snoring, but his sleeping face on my pillow struck me. For the first time, the thought of sharing a bed with a man did not come from pure imagination. I now had a real image for this fantasy; I could pretend Jack was my boyfriend, reach for his face and whisper “I love you, good night,” then fall asleep and meet him somewhere in his dream as if we had done this a hundred times before.

The next day, he flew off to see his family for the holidays and the first weeks of the new year.

“merry crimmus,” I texted.

“u too, babygirl,” he replied.

After our sleepover, I didn’t hear from him unless I initiated — an unexpected change. Instead of giving in to my insecurity that the sleepover meant little to him, and therefore I meant little, I imagined other scenarios: him asking me to sleep at his place, for a change, or spontaneously calling me while I’m in line for my morning coffee. But because I had presumed a sex-only expectation from the start, I shamed myself for developing feelings.

“miss u,” he texted one random morning.

“really?”

We stayed in touch and occasionally saw each other, weeks in between. On a hot morning, he snored behind me as I sat on the floor beside my bed, working on my final thesis. He put his hand up to my face, letting me know he was awake. With my eyes on the laptop screen, I took his hand and planted kisses in his palm, wallowing in these ordinary joys — the kind of affection I slowly grew comfortable displaying.

Longing to be more than casual with him, I sought a therapist to guide me through my growing feelings.

Jack’s periodic “miss u” texts progressed with heart emojis, an unprecedented closeness. And I returned the sentiment. It felt thrilling to express my adoration so directly, until the weeks between seeing each other and texting ultimately turned into months of silence I knew to be ghosting.

I relied on Grindr as my safe dock because dating as trans is complicated. Sleeping around was easier for me. I had set the bar low, then met Jack, who saw me as more than a fantasized body, only to have his mysterious exit echo a looming insecurity I avoided for years: Being trans implies I am not real enough to deserve decency.

I broke down in therapy, mustering the courage to say out loud what was undeniably true: “He left me.”

“I don’t mean to put this on you,” my therapist said, “but could him being a cis straight man and you being a trans woman play a part?”

I didn’t want to blame Jack, who showed me a new realm of affection that made desire feel as simple as just a boy and a girl who liked each other. But he made leaving simple, too; all of this could still not be enough.

Deep down, I denied how my mere existence as a trans woman could ever cost him. Jack, in wooing me, nurtured the possibility that my romantic fantasies could come true, that I could be seen as a complex person rather than a fetishized token of someone’s imagination. After being deserted by him, I ruminated on my insecurity that being trans denied me of even a simple goodbye.

And yet I know myself to be real because my transition, as a teenager, required exceptional certainty. Doctors and psychiatrists double-checked my decision constantly.

“Yes, I’m sure,” I repeated, and I became more real each year. With Jack, I felt even realer. Not only had he seen me as a woman, but as a woman worthy of being held.

I could blame my being trans for Jack’s ghosting, but maybe it had nothing to do with that. Maybe he hated his job. Maybe his family fell apart. Maybe the pleasure we felt together contrasted whatever pain remained of our baggage.

On lonely days, I imagine myself at SUNY Potsdam. At a frat party, I drunkenly dance across from Jack, cheap blue lights grazing the curves of our cheekbones, sweat dripping like cyan fireflies. Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline” roars through the party. “Good times never seemed so good,” everyone shouts. “I’ve been inclined to believe they never would.”

I put myself in the cafeteria, where Jack and I approach the salad bar at the same time. When he sees me, he steps back and says, “You go first,” with a grin so big I would need both hands to hold it.

———

Denny is a writer, actor and musician living in New York City.

[inmyarmswrappedin]

Episode 19. Okay, guys, this was an excellent season. Thanks for watching along with me. 

Aisha’s been up all night cramming for the math exam. The wake-up alarm rings, and she turns it off with a smile, and then stretches in her chair.

As Aisha is getting ready to go to the exam, she runs into her mother. Her mom asks if she’s going to school, and when she says yes, her mom sounds more affectionate than she’s been the past few days. Aisha realizes this is a good moment to apologize. She says she’s sorry for making her mom worry, says she didn’t mean to. Her mom accepts the apology and gives Aisha her phone back for being a good daughter!

As Aisha rides the train to Oslo, we see Emrah going back to his place. Then we get shots of Aisha doing the exam, while Emrah examines his passport. Emrah also packs a bag. When he opens one of his drawers, he finds a Kinder egg capsule. He’s surprised to find one of those toys you have to build inside. Aisha must’ve left it there when she stayed the night. Emrah empties the capsule (without building the toy!!) and leaves his apartment.

Aisha texts Jamilah and Freba after the exam. She thinks she did really well! She goes back home, it seems that Yusuf is there alone. She asks where their parents are, and Yusuf says they’re away (I think at a friend’s). He still sounds a little upset. Aisha lays it on him. She’s not studying law right now. Her grades weren’t good enough to get into law. (As a Spaniard, this isn’t at all relatable to me, because Law is one of the degrees with the lowest entry grade lol.) But  she’s taken the exam again, and she did really well! Yusuf doesn’t have much of a reaction... He’s just like, “But you’ve been at school so much?” Aisha says she’s been going to Sonans, which appears to be some kind of private school that helps prepare students for uni admission tests. And because this is a private business, and not free like uni, she’s been working as much as she can so that she could pay the fees. She didn’t want to ask their parents for money for this, since it wasn’t their fault Aisha didn’t get a good grade in maths the first time around.

Aisha waits a beat, and then asks Yusuf how come he’s not screaming. Lmao. Yusuf says he doesn’t have a job. There we go! I thought it was so sus that he’d go back to his parents’ place when he’d been living abroad. He doesn’t manage a lot of artists. All his clients left him, so he went back to Norway and he’s been sending resumes and applications. This explains so much. Yusuf was so down on himself for “failing”, so he was even harder on Aisha because, as far as he knew, Aisha had so much more to lose than he did, studying law but dating Emrah, etc.

Yusuf asks Aisha why she doesn’t trust him. He says he can’t back her up if she doesn’t tell him anything. Aisha says she’d like to trust him, but she can’t when he threatens to tell their parents about Aisha’s shit whenever she does anything he doesn’t like. She jokes that she’s going to tell their parents about Yusuf not having a job. But then she sits next to him and she says he’s not like his friends say. He’s a good brother and he’s been taking really good care of her. Yusuf just has to stop treating her like a four year old, and they have to trust each other. 

Emrah then texts Aisha to meet at 5. Yusuf asks if that’s Emrah, and Aisha says yes. Yusuf says to go meet Emrah, and he’ll cover for Aisha. So we get a scene where Aisha puts a lot of work into her appearance, with a nice top, Chanel’s earrings (! girl I miss you) and necklaces.

She and Emrah meet, and hug. I feel like Aisha is a bit overdressed compared to Emrah tbh lol. But anyway, Emrah then takes Aisha to some building, and he says one of his friends lives there. Aisha is extremely creeped out. She doesn’t want to go in or to walk up the stairs or anything. Emrah says to wait behind a door for a second, but of course, we know Aisha would never not barge into a situation headfirst lol. Behind the door, there’s a terrace. It’s empty. Aisha looks over the railing as if to check whether Emrah jumped lmao. 

Emrah is actually on a higher level. He tells Aisha he told her to wait, but now she can just climb up the ladder. Aisha tells Emrah he’s so weird, but climbs up regardless. It turns out that Emrah remembered when they looked over Oslo at Ekeberg. Abdi lives in this building, and I guess he gave Emrah access to the rooftop, where he and Aisha can now have a nice view of Stovner, the neighborhood where AIsha has felt so trapped. There’s also a blanket and pillows, it’s all very sweet.

Emrah tells Aisha that is going to go away for a year. He can’t say what he’s going to do, but when he comes back, the debt will be repaid and he’ll be free. And what he’ll be doing shouldn’t hurt anyone, except perhaps himself. I don’t like this, I really wish Emrah didn’t have to go away. 😞 Why won’t Bigmac be arrested instead? But anyway, Emrah is fidgeting a bit. Aisha asks him if he’s okay, and Emrah says he’s cold. However, he’s also nervous, which we know because of what he does next. He gives Aisha the Kinder egg capsule. When she opens it, there’s a fucking ring inside lol. Aisha makes the funniest face, it’s like 😕. She looks over at Emrah, and he is kneeling! He asks her to marry him!

Aisha’s like, “no.” Gvhvhv. And she says Emrah doesn’t even want to get married. Emrah admits this is true. He just wanted to offer Aisha an out since she didn’t feel free at her parents’. Aisha says she doesn’t want to get married just to be free. Then she asks if Emrah stole the ring gvhv. She says, you have a debt so how can you buy a ring? Emrah says the ring is his mom’s, so he didn’t steal it. They laugh at how Emrah proposed marriage when they’re not even together.

Emrah says that when he was in jail, thinking of Aisha made it all so much easier. So he didn’t like that Aisha saw him like that in his apartment, talking about the panic attack. But, he’s also glad, because even after that, Aisha is still here. He says Aisha is his very best friend. Aisha says she’d never been in love before Emrah, not like this. Because Emrah always accepted her for who she is, even if she’s preachy and bossy. Emrah says maybe it’s best like this, they don’t have to be together. Aisha lays her head on Emrah’s upper arm and says he can always ask her for help, because even big, strong, tough guys need help sometimes, right? Emrah agrees. Then Aisha sticks her head under his arm, so that Emrah wrap his arm around her shoulders. Aisha says Stovner looks really nice from here. Emrah praises Stovner.

Then follows some aesthetic shots of Stovner, without people. And finally, a series of medium and close up shots of young people from Stovner. Boys and girls of different ethnicities, a couple wearing head coverings.  

I think 17/18/16/19 was a show that was always committed to do justice to Stovner kids. In many ways, Abdi, Emrah, Ibo and Aisha (Yusuf, Jamilah, Freba...) embody stereotypes ascribed to second generation kids from poorer neighborhoods. But throughout this season, I always felt that, like Aisha said, the camera accepted Aisha for who she was. Even when she behaved badly or talked shit. I feel like this season (and probably the whole show, but I haven’t watched those seasons yet) showed characters who struggle to get by, who don’t have it so easy because they’re not wealthy or white or live in a really nice neighborhood. But these characters are ultimately just people who want to be happy and make things better for themselves and others, even in little ways like not burdening their parents with added debt. I think the 17-verse cared deeply for its characters, and so I find it hard to find a flaw. Because I don’t think it sought to judge the characters, or even the characters that the mains dislike. (Like uncle and Mohammed, for instance!)

One thing I’ve read a lot when it comes to representing minorities, it’s that the media should portray the joys along with the struggles. It shouldn’t be all struggle all the time, in order to make white (straight, cis) viewers feel pity. I think the shots of Stovner and Stovner people did just that. Show the joy, shyness, happiness of these teenies when they’re asked to pose for a TV series. 

I hope you’ve enjoyed the season, and thanks for reading these posts. 💛

[tylergparker]

— && guests may mistake me as ( kaylee bryant ), but really i am ( tyler parker + cis female + she/her ) and my DOB is ( 10/31/97 ). i am applying for the ( waitress ) position as part of the EHP and would like to live in suite ( #215 ). i should be hired because i am ( + playful, ambitious, clever ), but i can also be ( - hot-headed, crass, resentful ) at times. personally, i like to ( paint, collect cute socks, make playlists ) when off the clock, but that won’t interfere with work. thank you for your consideration!

ooc;; when will i not be throwing new kids at y’all amiright? maybe one day i’ll leave y’all alone lmfao. but for now, here is my child, tyler. i hope you like her but if you don’t, that’s chill, too, i can’t make you do things. as we know, i’m not your mom.

{ TW: religious undertones / general religion + emotional abuse + teen pregnancy + mentions of abortion + mentions of depression }

background;;

Tyler Grace Parker was born and raised in a suburb of San Diego, California to Daniel and Janine Parker. Daniel was a pastor at their local church, and Janine was a stay at home mom - though the woman had always desired more for herself; in particular she had goals of being a prima ballerina, but when she had tried for it at a younger age, she didn’t make the cut.

Tyler was raised predominantly Christian, given her father was a pastor and all. It was mostly something that stuck with the family - they went to church as a family unit every Wednesday evening and every Sunday morning as well as taking part in church community events, they prayed before every meal and most nights before bed, Tyler was in youth group for several years while her mom and dad both served in the church in some capacity. It was a big part of her upbringing, but it didn’t stunt her socially - she didn’t try to feed the same beliefs to her friends at school, and outside of home she didn’t talk much about church or what they believed; that was her family’s business.

Something else Tyler was raised with was ballet. She started when she was just four years old, and as a child it was a fun activity for her. She loved ballet because she had other little friends she got to see, recitals were fun for her, it wasn’t anything serious - she got to be pretty and she got to dance; it was simple for a young child. When she hit about 10 years old, though, her mother really started in on the projecting her own squashed dreams of being a ballerina on her daughter. Janine became very intense about putting pressure on Tyler to be the best, to not miss classes, to practice more. She would critique her daughter’s form, have her run the same things over and over in a practice studio, etc. It became something that made Tyler begin to almost resent this thing that she had once loved doing. She spent a handful of years trying to grapple with a love that she had for ballet and how it was slowly but surely being taken away from her.

When she was fifteen years old, early on in her sophomore year of high school, Tyler met Dylan Patterson. He was a year above her in school, but that didn’t change how fast and hard Tyler fell for him. Dylan was in the school’s jazz band, but he also happened to be the son of Tyler’s favorite art teacher, Ms. Patterson. Dylan was the oldest of three siblings, and his mother was a single mom, he picked up a part time fast food job to help his mom out on top of going to school, that Patterson’s weren’t a church-going family, either. Tyler saw nothing but good things in Dylan, she loved the way that he was so good to his family, the way he was creative, the way he could easily make her smile. Her parents, however, were not thrilled about this first boyfriend of hers. Her mom and dad thought that Dylan was a ‘bad influence’ on her, and despite the fact that she didn’t let their disapproval stop her from dating Dylan, things never got better on that front.

In fact, things got worse when at fifteen years old, Tyler found out that she was pregnant. Having sex out of wedlock was already “bad” enough, according to beliefs she had been instructed to follow all her life - beliefs she had distanced herself from little by little as she reached adolescence - but having a baby? Not to mention the fact that she was only sixteen, Dylan only seventeen. Tyler went to her mother, because that felt like what she was supposed to do - she definitely had no idea what else she was supposed to do. Janine, however, did not react as Tyler expected. She wasn’t expecting happiness at all, some tears of distress maybe, but what actually came was nothing the teenage girl had thought up in her head.

Janine wanted for Tyler to get an abortion. For a number of reasons this threw Tyler for a loop. Being pro-life was practically expected in their congregation, for her mom to insist that that was how she needed to handle her pregnancy was more than a small shock. On top of that was the fact that the woman had every intention of having her daughter get the abortion and never even telling her father she was pregnant at all. Confused and a little in shock for a few different reasons, an emotional Tyler argued with her mother against going through with that plan. The argument hit a boiling point that ended up Tyler leaving and staying at Dylan’s house for a couple of weeks.

Despite how young they were, Dylan reassured Tyler that things would be okay, that they could do anything as long as they were together. He very nearly convinced an exceptionally conflicted and concerned Tyler to keep the baby and be a family, the three of them. However, when her mother convinced her finally to come back home with the promise that they would tell her father everything and figure things out together, Tyler jumped on the opportunity. She loved Dylan so much, but she didn’t feel like either of them were in the position to make such heavy calls, and neither of them were ready to have a baby, that was for sure.

Telling her dad that she was pregnant went about as poorly as one might expect. Daniel was angry, notably so. It showed in the way that he yelled that night; telling Tyler what a disappointment she was, that she had ‘some nerve’ expecting some sort of support from them for something that was ‘entirely her own fault.’ There were things said about how she’d sinned, that she had gone against anything they had ever taught her. After that, her relationship with her father was distant, cold. What interactions they did have were exceedingly brief, and even what length they were, they weren’t particularly kind. Tyler was told not to come to church with them anymore - people at church inevitably found out about the pregnancy, but the way that her father put it “it was easier to avoid talking about if she wasn’t in everyone’s faces with it.”

Her mother was there for her through her pregnancy, despite being so against the whole thing in the first place. Dylan and his mom also were on top of getting her to appointments, helping take care of her, being there every step of the way through the pregnancy. Dylan did more attempting to convince Tyler that they should keep the baby, that they could do it because they loved each other. Ultimately, however, Tyler still gave their baby girl up for adoption.

After giving up their daughter, Dylan did his best to stand by Tyler, but Tyler could feel the distance between them - he wasn’t fully supportive of them giving the baby up, he thought that she was caving into her parent’s desires when he didn’t see them as right or fair. Ultimately, Dylan ended up ending their long-term relationship about a month after Tyler had given birth. Between the heavy - and admittedly unexpected - weight of having a child and giving her away, and the heartbreak of Dylan giving up on them after everything, Tyler became exceptionally depressed.

Going through the motions became just about all Tyler felt capable for a little while. She finished that school year in summer school, she started going back to church - because her father was back to acting as if nothing had even happened and she was actually his daughter once again - and she let her mother convince her that she should focus on ballet. Admittedly, Tyler held onto the smallest bit of hope that she could re-fall in love with ballet once again; she knew she had loved it so much when she was younger, she thought having that kind of positive feeling for it again might turn things around for herself.

Starting out with ballet again, it was a solid 50/50 in terms of the time that Tyler loved what she was doing, and the time that it came with heavy amounts of pressure from her mother. Once again, it became something that Tyler had to come to grips with: she wasn’t going to be given the option to just love being a part of ballet, getting to dance, her mother wasn’t going to let her have that, it was too serious for the woman. After the way that her teenage pregnancy had effected their family, though, Tyler didn’t have it in her to fight with the woman or cause anymore “rifts” in their home. So instead, she just pushed through, kept dancing.

At the end of that same summer, Daniel abruptly suggested that the family move out of state. There was a sister congregation to their church in Chicago and they were willing to give him a position in their ministry. He sold it to his wife and daughter as “a new beginning that they all needed” - something that Tyler still subconsciously holds resentment toward him for saying. Because what the hell had they gone through to need anything?

Moving to Chicago came with a big shift in Tyler’s persona. Essentially she gave a big middle finger to who she was - who her father in particular wanted her to be - and gave into a version of herself that felt like more like what she felt after the things that she had been through that year. She went from a sweet and cute and soft lady to something tougher, someone more blunt and confident. Someone darker, tougher. She stopped going to church which was a whole fight that she had to have with her dad after moving there, and since her relationship with the man has been nothing short of awful. Back to the minimal communication or whatever communication that there was between them being unpleasant, just as it had been when she’d been pregnant - if not worse because Daniel was angry with her for consciously making the choices she was.

Despite this notable switch and growth in her personality, one thing that Tyler did stick with was ballet. Not because it was something she really wanted to do, but because as long as she was doing it, it gave her something that kept her mom on her side. Living in a home with her angry and cold father was enough, she didn’t need for things to be any worse with her mother, too - even though the woman already made things difficult by putting the amount of pressure on the girl that she did. 

When Tyler graduated high school, Janine pushed her daughter to immediately go to auditions for ballet companies in Chicago, and even in a couple surrounding cities. When Tyler didn’t make the cut for any of the few ballet companies she had auditioned for, she knew that her mother was devastated - given all the projecting that she had been doing. It was more out of self preservation than actually feeling bad for her mom that kept Tyler continuing to dance ballet all the same. She went to a specialized school, even started co-teaching a couple of lower level classes during the week, if only so she wouldn’t have to hear how “after all the work they’d put in, she gave it all up, it amounted to nothing.” In reality, the girl has more resentment for the dance than anything at this point.

Year 20 came with Tyler finding out about the EHP at the Malnati, and given her less than great home circumstances, she jumped on applying. She had done a couple different serving jobs while going to dance classes still, so taking a waitress position in the fancy hotel’s restaurant fit things she was already familiar with. Leaving her mom and dad’s house was like letting out a gigantic breath she had been holding for all her life. Living in the Malnati gave her freedom to do what she wanted, when she wanted. It gave her freedom to be who she wanted without a fight, without judgment. She’s been working and living in the hotel for nearly two years now.

Something she did in her first year outside of her parent’s house was reach out to Dylan on Facebook for the first time in several years. The girl came to learn that Dylan was in contact with the couple that had adopted their daughter. He gave her the information for Rick and Shannon Carlson after asking the pair if it was just as alright for her to contact them. She now gets photos of her daughter - Sophia Marie Carlson - every now and again, usually around holidays or special occasions. She’s still yet to meet the child in person, given they live in Southern California still, but she has been given the opportunity to FaceTime with the couple and the little girl only a couple of times ( explaining that she is a friend of mommy and daddy’s, given the adoptive parents still want not to make things confusing )

personality / miscellaneous tidbits;;

Tyler was born at like 3:12 in the morning on Halloween the year that she was born and she has a running joke/theory that it was actually a curse and that’s why her life had been the mess that it’s been, and/or why certain bad things happen to her. “It’s the birthday curse, it’s fine.”

Has her septum pierced, she just either takes it out for ballet or tucks it up in her nose if she’s feeling ballsy about it.

She has a tiny ‘S.M.C.’ tattoo with an equally small heart beside it, on the inside of her right wrist; for her daughter. ( That being said, her teen pregnancy and her daughter isn’t really something she talks about openly, she’s gotta trust the person to see that like full side of her )

She’s got three, count em, three pet lizards; two bearded dragons named Jack and Sally, and a leopard gecko named Oogie. There’s a running theme there. Her room is like a lil reptile room with Jack and Sally sharing a cage and Oogie having his own - she’s serious about taking care of them, obviously.

Loves most things Tim Burton, in case her lizards being named after Nightmare Before Christmas characters didn’t give that away.

Would die for Brendon Urie and Hayley Williams, no question

Loves pop punk and general emo music; it’s something Dylan introduced her to and she kind of just fell in love with the whole style and the lyrics some of these bands wrote and stuff.

That being said, she’s a huge huge concert goer; big on shouldering her way to the front barricade at general admission shows, not afraid of being on someone else’s shoulders during things either, has definitely caught guitar picks and other such things thrown into crowds, she’s into it.

She’s a server, and has been for quite some time so she’s got customer horror stories for daaaays, probably has one of those #serverproblems tiktoks favorited and shit, because she hard retweets.

To be honest, she cares very little about what other people think at this point in her life. She spent the earlier part of her life in his little perfect cookie cutter daughter box, and then she derailed it on accident and her life has felt something like a mess since, so there’s not a lot that people can say to her that would like legitimately offend her.

On the other side of that coin is that she’s really not afraid to tell it like it is because she doesn’t particularly care if you like her adjflkajdfkl. If she thinks you’re annoying, she’ll tell you, etc. She’s also known to antagonize people who she doesn’t like just for the fuck of it, so. ...Sorry lmfao.

wanted connections;;

here’s another episode of me SUCKING AT THESE, EYYO

generally just like..... people who show her what an actual loving supportive family that doesn’t expect extremes from her would be great.

potentially someone that they hooked up like ONCE to get it out of their system and now they just antagonize each other and never let it die that they slept together when they’re picking on each other

server friends unite?? realistically works for bartenders, too, realistically lmao.

FRIGGIN CONCERT FRIENDS. GIVE THEM TO HER.

whoever's down to geek out about her lizards with her, that's the kind of friend vibe we fuck with

someone she genuinely doesn’t like and either doesn’t like her just as much for whatever reason, or maybe they keep trying to make her like them who knows

a person who asked her out on a legitimate date once and she laughed at them thinking they were fucking with her and now she can’t tell where they’re at because she won’t talk about it??? IDK BRO

somebody to help her explore the fact that she’s kind of bicurious?? got some shit to unpack there a little, though, so.

idk how it would happen, but this hard ass shell of hers has gotta be broken, she’s got so much shit repressed that she hasn’t opened up about - between shit with her parents to her pregnancy and heartbreak, and then some - and she’s not super great at trusting people on a deep enough level to let them in on all that and see that side of her so like again idk what would make this happen BUT !!!!!!! SURE.

honestly as always, i suck at this part, and i’m always open to just talk some shit out and work out some brainstormed ideas. so just hit ya girl kay up. or don’t. not your mom.

[poetlcs]

books I’ve read in 2020 (so far) + their ratings

non-fiction

crossing the line: australia’s secret history in the timor sea by kim mcgrath: important research into australia’s theft of oil in timor leste. didn’t rate

hood feminism: notes from the women that a movement forgot by mikki kendall: essay collection dissecting modern feminism, pointing out the exclusionary practices of mainstream feminism and offering new frameworks through which feminism should operate. really recommend. didn’t rate

the uninhabitable earth: life after warming by david wallace-wells: good introduction to environmentalism and the climate disaster. a little too introductory for me but good for those new to the topic. ★★★

homo deus: a brief history of tomorrow by yuval noah harari: it is simply not Sapiens nor as good as Sapiens. Looks at potentials for our future but, thought it was a little poorly researched. Some parts were still interesting though.  ★★★

SPQR: a history of ancient rome by mary beard: a little dense at times, but super interesting and detailed look at ancient rome. enjoyed it a lot. ★★★★

sister outsider by audre lorde: collection of audre lorde’s essays and speeches, about feminism, lesbianism, the queer community, being Black and a lesbian ect ect. outstanding, important collection anyone interested in intersectional feminism must read. ★★★★★

all boys aren’t blue by george m. johnson: memoir about johnson’s experiences growing up as a Black gay boy in a poor neighbourhood. Very poignant memoir, written in such accessible language which I liked. guarenteed to get you emotional, another one everyone should read. didn’t rate because it’s so highly personal that felt wrong but highly recommend. 

under a biliari tree i born by alice biari smith: memoir by an Aboriginal Australian detailing her life growing up learning traditional Aboriginal ways and how the lives of Indigenous Australian’s have been impacted through the years, specifically in Western Australia. Probably more aimed at school age people but still a 101 I think many Australian’s (and non Australian’s) can benefit from. didn’t rate 

classics

maurice by e.m forster: gay man coming of age story in college + themes around class and sexuality. forster’s end note saying he thought it imperative to write a happy ending because we need that in fiction, i love him. ★★★★★

emma by jane austen: read before seeing the movie. loved emma as a character but thought this was okay compared to other Austen I’ve read. ★★★½

perfume by patrick suskind: a man with an incredible sense of smell starts murdering young women to try and bottle their scent for a perfume. weirdest shit I ever read still don’t know how to feel about it. ★★★

the color purple by alice walker: follows the life of Celie, an Black woman living in rural Georgia. deals with her relationship with her sister Nettie, her lover Shug Avery, and with God. this tore my heart to shreds absolutely everyone must read it, like even just for the beautiful writing ALONE. ★★★★

a study in scarlet by arthur conan doyle: its sherlock holmes #1 no further explanation required. not my fave sherlock story, was the weird morman subplot needed? ★★½

dracula by bram stoker: yeah vampires!! this was way easier to read and also way funnier than I expected. we STAN gothic aesthetics and Miss Mina Harker here. ★★★★

fantasy

the diviners by libba bray: teens with magical powers/abilities solving mysteries in 1920′s new york. reread. ★★★★★

lair of dreams by libba bray: the diviners #2. reread. ★★★★½

before the devil breaks you by libba bray: the diviners #3. reread. best one in the series hands down.  ★★★★★

the king of crows by libba bray: waited so long for this series ender and it let me down lol. ★★★

clockwork princess by cassandra clare: the infernal devices #3. dont @ me this is my comfort reread series and I was travelling. ★★★★★

we unleash the merciless storm by tehlor kay mejia: we set the dark on fire #2. latinx inspired fantasy about overthrowing a corrupt government with an f/f romance. didn’t like as much as book one but still good, BEST girlfriends ever. ★★★½

wolfsong by t.j klune: basically feral gay werewolves and witches living in a town together. feels like a teen wolf episode but way more gayer. despite that hated the writing style and I don’t like age gap romances so yay the concept no the execution.  ★★

the fate of the tearling by erika johansan: the tearling #3. finally finished this series, dunno why everyone loathes the ending so much I thought it was cool. underrated fantasy because it’s very unique. ★★★★

girl, serpent, thorn by melissa bashardoust: persian inspired fantasy about a girl who is cursed by a div to kill anyone she touches. has an f/f romance. bashardoust writes the most aesthetically rich settings I love her. ★★★★

crier’s war by nina varela: reread. f/f enemies to lovers where the main character poses as a handmaiden in order to try and murder the princess whose father killed her family. PEAK gay content literally a modern classic. ★★★★★

we hunt the flame by hafsah faizal: I was so disinterested in this book I barely can describe the plot but basically it’s a prince and a hunter who are enemies but are forced to go looking for this magical artifact together anyway it was boring.  ★

ghosts of the shadow market by cassandra clare + others: short story collection set in the shadowhunter world. probably the strongest of her collections but they just don’t hit the same as her full length books. didn’t rate. 

a storm of swords: part two by george r.r martin: a song of ice and fire #3. I WILL finish reading these books eventually i swear !! probably the best one yet though. ★★★★

amarah by l.l mcneil: world of linaria #3. high fantasy with politics, dragons, warring races. tolkein/asoiaf vibes if they had more women with agency. didn’t rate because I haven’t decided my feelings on the end yet. 

science fiction

This is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone: f/f enemies to lovers between spies on rival sides of a time war. good book but writing style wasn’t for me (others love this so eh take my opinion with a grain os salt:  ★★★

not your sidekick by c.b lee: main character is from a superhero family but has no powers herself, so she takes an internship working with a superhero corp. has an f/f romance with a villain character. so much fun and super cute

speculative fiction:

the deep by rivers solomon: speculative fiction wherein pregnant African women thrown overboard by slave ships gave birth to babies that became mermaids. main character holds all the memories of her people’s past but runs away after being unable to deal with the burden. about self discovery, intergenerational trauma and the burden of remembering. a little short imo but still all round excellent book ★★★★

how long ‘til black future month? by n.k jemisin: short story collection, many with an afro-futurism focus. hard to explain because there is such a wide variety of stories but this is an AMAZING collection. didn’t rate because I don’t like rating short story collections but wish more people would read it. 

mystery

the family upstairs by lisa jewell: woman inherits an english house and starts to unravel the secrets of a mass cult suicide that happened there years ago. loved it because it was wild. ★★★★★

the hand on the wall by maureen johnson: truly devious #3. boarding school mystery where the main character has to solve a murder that happened in the 1920s at her school while another mystery is happening in present time. my least favourite of the series but satisfying conclusion nonetheless. ★★★½

contemporary fiction

maybe in another life by taylor jenkins reid: dual timeline book showing the two outcomes of a decision the main character makes. cool concept but ultimately boring book because I didn’t care about the main character at all.  didn’t rate because I didn’t finish it. 

girl, woman, other by bernadine evaristo: vignette stories of various women whose lives are vaguely interconnected. incredibly well written with such vivid characters. deserves the hype. ★★★★

tin heart by shivan plozza: australian YA, the recipient of a heart transplant wishes to connect with the family of her donor, after she discovers the identity of her donor. good story but didn’t like the writing style. ★★★

a little life by hanya yanigahara: follows the life of a group of friends living in life, especially that of jude, a closed off and damaged man with a troubling past. a little too torture-porny/Tragic Gays but I cannot deny the author has a beautiful writing style and I went through all the emotions. didn’t rate

a girl like that by tanaz bhathena: explores the events leading up to the main character dying in a car crash. set in Jeddah, saudi arabia and explores expectations on women, feminism and expressions of sexuality and relationships between women during teenage years. kinda no good characters but I loved it for it’s messy depiction of teen girls (whilst not condemning them for this). underrated. ★★★★

little fires everywhere by celeste ng: drama in white american suburbs when a new family moves in and the neighbours start investigating their past. eh, I heard a lot about this and thought it was just okay. ★★★

stay gold by tobly mcsmith: trans boy decides to go stealth at his new school and falls for a cheerleader, georgia. about navigating being trans and definitely felt like it was written to educate cis people. it was okay but ultimately not my thing and not really the story I was looking for, even though I respect it being written by a trans author and still would recommend to certain people. ★★½

everything leads to you by nina lacour: main character and her best friend have to unravel a hollywood mystery, all while the main character is trying to get over her ex-girlfriend and find work as a set designer. f/f romance and loved the focus on movie making and the power of stories. ★★★½

the falling in love montage by ciara smyth: a girl meets another girl at a party, but she’s not looking to date due to the amount of family issues she has going on. so her and the girl decide to spend the summer having fun, renacting scenes from rom-coms, but never dating. awesome family dynamics and the relationship between the two girls was sweet also set in ireland which is fun. 

normal people by sally rooney: explores the relationship between connell and marianne, who meet in school, date secretly, and then are inexplicably drawn to each other for the rest of their lives. explores power dynamics, relationships, love and trust, and what we owe to eachother. great book, great mini-series, love it to bits. ★★★★★

the glass hotel by emily st john mandel: impossible to explain this book, but there’s a mystery about grafitti, a ponzi scheme and a character falling to their death on a boat under suspicious circumstances. honestly idk what happened in this book but I liked it. ★★★½

historical fiction

half of a yellow sun by chimamanda ngozi adichie: historical fiction about the biafran war loosely based on adichie’s family experiences. incredibly well written with an ending that punches you in the gut. ★★★★

hamnet by maggie o’farrell: explores the shakespeare family after the death of their child, Hamnet, from the plague, and how this leads to Shakespeare writing Hamlet. cool as fuck concept and boring as fuck book with such tropey female characters. ★★

all the light we cannot see by anthony doerr: WW2 fiction, dual perspective between a blind girl living in france and a german boy forced into nazi youth. I cannot believe this book is award winning it’s so boring and predictable and i reget the time i wasted on it. ★

poetry:

on earth we’re briefly gorgeous by ocean vuong: poetry memoir. vuong writes a letter to his illiterate mother, knowing she’ll never read it, exploring their relationship, his experiences growing up as second generation Vietnamese-American, and hers during the Vietnam War. My favorite book I’ve read so far this year, just too good to explain, genuinely just feel like everyone is better off for having read this. ★★★★★

currrently reading:

girls of storm and shadow by natasha ngan

meet me at the intersection: edited by rebecca lim & ambelin kwaymullina

stamped from the beginning: the definitive history of racist ideas in america by ibram x. kendi

get a life, chloe brown by talia hibbert

[adhdtoomanycommas]

Emotional Disregulation, Privilege, and White Girl Tears

Hello all, it has been a few months since my last ADHD essay, and what a few months it has been. In case you’re reading this in the future (since tumblr has no date stamps), I am writing this in June 2020 when in the midst of a global pandemic, police are responding to massive protests against police violence with even more police violence, and a lot of white people are thinking more than ever about the privilege we have experienced. I have been thinking about writing about my (cis white female) experience with privilege where neurodivergence, race, and gender intersect for a while, and have hit the point where these ideas have been bouncing around in my head long enough I need to write them down.

Small disclaimer: Right now I'm not sure if I should be writing anything about anything since we all ought to be listening and amplifying black voices --I'm there are much better resources out there about race and neurodivergance especially, and I have no intention of talking over anyone, especially given my limited experience. But given that the audience for my last essay here was in the single digits, I doubt I need to worry too much about talking over people at the moment. Please know that I am writing this now primarily for myself, and if it ever gets an audience later, forgive me for writing it now when there are so many more important things going on and more important people to listen to.

I will do my best to stay in my lane here, so I'm just going to talk about how my privilege has affected the perception of one of my ADHD symptoms If you don't want to read some rambling white/cis anecdotes about how white privilege and gender norms affect the perception of ADHD, by all means skip it. If you're still here, maybe it can be the start of a conversation as I would love to hear some other perspectives and experiences here. And maybe, just maybe by the end of it I will learn to spell privilege right on the first try (I really want there to be an A in there, or maybe a D. Privaledge? Sounds about right.)

As I mentioned in my previous ramble, I’m a cryer. I cry a lot, not just when I’m sad but sometimes when I’m happy, when I feel guilty or ashamed, and especially when I’m angry, or frustrated, or overwhelmed. I learned recently, as I was seeking my diagnosis, that emotional disregulation is a hallmark of ADHD. We feel things strongly, and uncontrollably and have trouble restraining ourselves from expressing those feelings. This is experienced by almost everyone, if not everyone, with ADHD and it’s only not part of the diagnostic criteria because it’s hard to quantify—there are a lot of good general resources out there to learn more about this, I’m not an expert, I’m just here to share my own experience.

Story time. When I was in fourth grade, I punched another girl in the stomach. For what felt like the millionth time, when the teacher told everyone to find a partner for some activity, everyone partnered up and I looked around to find that I was the left-over. I was an outcast for a lot of reasons at that age. I told myself for a long time it was solely because I was the lone atheist (actually agnostic but I didn’t know the term at the time) in a deep south bible-belt school, but with the benefit of hindsight I have also realized that (partially probably due to the ADHD) I was also pretty weird, and probably very annoying. But whatever the reason for my ostracism, it was already weighing heavily on me when the teacher assigned this girl to work with me, and she gave me the biggest exasperated sigh and eyeroll like she would rather do anything else. So I punched her.

I now realize that this is probably a pretty normal response for a kid with untreated ADHD—the combination of emotional disregulation and poor impulse control means we often lash out. But with none of the adults in my life knowing that at the time, surely I was disciplined for my seemingly-random violent action, yes? No. I cried, and I got away with it.

That’s not the whole story, I did get several weeks of sessions with the school counselor, and I was made to write a very thorough apology letter (and made to rewrite it repeatedly as the teacher thought of more things I should add and repeatedly declared my handwriting not good enough, to such an extent the exercise definitely felt more punitive than reconsiliatory), but I ultimately I didn’t get expelled, I didn’t get suspended, I didn’t even get detention.

The girl I punched was black. This wouldn’t be relevant to the story at all, except that in retrospect I have to wonder if the consequences would have been the same if our roles were reversed. If a black girl (even a neurodivergent, ostracized, and frequently bullied one) had lashed out the way I did and punched a white girl, I expect there would have been a lot more consequences for that, even if she cried afterwards. And if a black boy had done the same, he wouldn’t have been perceived as troubled and in need of help, he would have been perceived as dangerous. And as we all (hopefully) know by now, that perception can have life or death consequences.

I’m sure that was neither the first nor the last time that crying, and people’s perception of me crying (as a cute little white girl with freckles and big brown eyes) has gotten me out of trouble, or gotten me what I wanted one way or another, but it is the most dramatic example I can think of. I want to emphasize that I have never cried to get what I wanted on purpose—I have spent way more time trying not to cry than trying to cry, the only time I’ve ever cried on purpose has been in theater exercises. But I’m sure a lot of white girls in the same position I was in (with or without the undiagnosed ADHD and emotional disregulation) have realized the way they could use peoples responses to their tears to their advantage. They probably grow up to be Karens who use their tears to get out of traffic tickets, get free stuff from store managers, and to sic violent police on black people who inconvenience them. (Aside, the only time I have been pulled over as an adult, I was trying so hard not to cry that the cop thought I was acting suspicious and asked a bunch of extra questions. I still got the ticket.

I tell myself that those people use their emotions on purpose to manipulate people, that I'm different, I would never do that. But I have to wonder if some of those same women tell themselves the same thing after the fact. I don't think it's enough to avoid intentional manipulation and intentional harm-- not anymore. We as white women need to do be conscious enough of how our emotions are perceived and prioritized to act proactively to avoid unintentional harm as well. For those of us with ADHD, this may be harder than for neurotypicals, but that makes it all the more important for us to think actively about this. I'm not sure yet what this means for me personally, besides removing myself from a shared space if my emotions threaten to become the focus where they shouldn't be, but I would welcome input on this.

I want to talk about gender more generally here as well. ADHD is dramatically underdiagnosed in women, and I have to wonder if some part of this is because emotional disregulation lines up so nicely with the stereotypes of women’s emotions in the first place. Oh, you cry a lot? Of course you do, you’re a woman. One can only wonder how many oldey-timey diagnoses of “hysteria” were actually ADHD. Even now women with ADHD are usually misdiagnosed several times with things like depression or bipolar disorder before we are tested and diagnosed properly. This wasn’t my experience, but after basically doing a bunch of research and self-diagnosing I was able (thanks to a great deal of economic privilege) to pay to go directly to an ADHD specialist. I also walked into that office with an extremely thorough bullet-point list I had compiled of reasons I suspected I had ADHD—it was probably the easiest diagnosis the doctor ever did. So obviously having ADHD while female isn’t the best combination, but when it comes specifically to crying easily that being treated as relatively normal definitely meant I had an easier time with it than my brother did.

My brother (who is nonbinary and uses a variety of pronouns—I’ll probably alternate between they/them and he/him here because it is important to the story that they were perceived as male at the time) cries just as easily as I do, and just as often. When we were little kids, this didn’t make too much of a difference. They’re a couple years younger than me, and little kids are expected to cry more. They haven’t been diagnosed with ADHD, but they and I both strongly suspect for a variety of reasons, this included, that they have it too—I believe they were flagged for it in school, probably for frequently talking out of turn, but I don’t think they were ever tested formally. He got in trouble in school a lot more than I did, for similar outbursts, and while he got quite a few of those same counseling sessions (white privilege at work again), he got more actual discipline as well. But the perception of our tears landed differently, especially as we got older.

For the most part, the scorn leveled at my brother’s tears didn’t come from our parents. My mom, (who, while also not officially diagnosed, I can almost guarantee is where we got the ADHD genes from) cries as easily as they and I do, so she understands it. My dad would certainly prefer to think of himself as an enlightened modern man who would say it’s ok to cry, but he has his share of ingrained toxic masculinity despite himself. I don’t think I ever saw him tell my brother directly to “suck it up” or “act like a man,” but I do think after puberty or so he started responding to my brother’s tears with a sort of exasperation that he never directed at me.

The real difference was in how we were treated by our peers. By the time we got to high school, if I would cry at school, my peers (even ones who weren’t necessarily my friends) would probably ask what was wrong and try to help or provide comfort, or at least would leave me alone and give me time to pull myself together. When my brother cried at school, he was mocked. Relentlessly. Once bullies figured out that he cried easily, he was targeted and goaded specifically for it. They would find any little thing they could to get under his skin (right down to the most childish with rhyming nicknames) and troll him for fun. I wish I could say that I stood up for him, but I never did. I can tell myself this was because I didn’t see it happen in person, being two grades ahead, but I could have made an effort. Although, since he was almost certainly targeted at least in part for perceived failure to live up to masculine gender norms, I’m not sure if having an older sister try to come to the rescue would have helped or made things worse. At this point it’s years past, so I suppose speculation on what I could have or should have done is pretty moot at this point. Suffice it to say, this particular symptom which rarely did me any harm made my brother’s life a lot harder.

I may talk more about different perceptions of my brother’s and my ADHD symptoms in a later essay/ramble/entry/whatever, in particular how it affected out academic performances, but that’s for another time.

Again, I’m not sure if there are any greater conclusions here. There are a lot of ways emotional disregulation can present, and I really only addressed this one small aspect of excessive crying, but it is a good example of how even lesser-known ADHD symptoms can affect our lives in cascading ways, and the way people perceive those symptoms (due to various more visible identity factors) affects us as well. If you read all of this, thanks, and if you have any experiences you’d like to share with how your emotional disregulation has been perceived by others, I’d love to hear them. Until next time!

[saturdayz]

nooo don’t read this your so sexy aha  🤪  this is me apologizing in advance to anyone who does end up clicking keep reading  👀  it’s messy under there, sorry n god bless... ok so i’m  bee   (  she  /  her,  23  )   and i reside in the est tmz and i don’t know what else to say... other than i didn't proof read this... ignore any mistakes. i’m gonna be writing this fool who sells underpriced art pieces at the fleamarket and forgets to water his plants and that you can read more about under the cut  !

(   mason   gooding   ,   cis   male   ,   lemon   )   welcome   to   aida&stefano,   nathaniel    mackinley   !   thank   you   for   choosing   to   stay   here.   in   this   form   it   says   that   you   go   by   he/him   ,   you’re   twenty   -   three   years   old   ,   you’re   originally   from   the   united   states   of   america   ,   and   you’ve   been   staying   here   for   three   months.   it   also   says   you’re   known   to   be   +strong-willed   ,   but   also   -preoccupied.   that   really   shouldn’t   be   a   problem   though.   check   in   at   the   front   ,   hope   you   enjoy   your   stay   !     (   knowing   your   friend’s   coffee   order   by   heart   ,   the various   shades   of   purple   and   pink   in   the   sky   right   before   the   sun   sets   ,   hearing   a   song   and   instantly   being   taken   back   to   a   significant   memory   linked   to   it   )

statistics.

full name  :  nathaniel mackinley nicknames  :     mack (  prefered  ) , nate sexuality  :       heterosexual date of birth  +  zodiac  :  october 10, libra occupation  :     freelance artist place of birth  :  georgia, usa references  :  bill denbrough (  it  ) , pam beesley (  the office  ) , dizzee kipling (  the get down  )

backstory.

nathaniel was the first born to charles & clara mackinley and three years later the couple also welcomed his little sister, natalie. charles is a state senator 🤢 and clara is a pharmacist. as two successful people, they both had high expectations for their son. growing up, the always drilled it into his head that an education is the most important thing is someone’s life and fuck everything else. and no they didn’t necessarily say that word for word.

even though they put a lot of pressure on him, he really did enjoy going to school and learning. therefore, most of his life he was the perfect child. except... it was a lot of work... and over time... it was just too much. he would sit for hours studying for a test and receive an average score while it came much easier for his sister. she would read her notes once and get straight a’s. this, of course, discouraged him and one thing that did come easy was being creative. he found comfort in drawing, painting, and photography. but because of his parents’ expectations, it never occurred to him that this could be his profession and was only viewed as a hobby.

it wasn’t until he was already attending georgia state, preparing to study law, where an art professor saw his stuff and inspired him to switch his major and look as art as something more than a hobby. he knew his parents would not approve but he didn’t care. once he had his mind set, he was finally happy, and he was going to do it with or without their support.

at first, he would still go home for holidays, where he would get lectured and quickly the lectures turned to passive aggressive comments. and by his senior year they had stopped paying his tuition and he was on his own. the only communication he has with them at the moment is a monthly phone call where he refuses to speak to anyone but his sister.

after graduation, nathaniel joined his professor on a research trip to italy and fell in love with it. he stayed with his professor for a while, an agreement that he would help with the workload if his professor payed for his room and board. by the time his professor went back to the states, he saved up enough money to be on his own and he moved to the hostel in venice— where he is currently   (  temporarily  )   residing obviously 🤡

personality.

he’s very strong-willed, if he sets his mind to something, he has to do it, no matter who approves. once he had it in his head, he didn’t doubt for a second that art would be his major and what he was going to do for the rest of life. unfortunately, because art is his life and he’s mostly preoccupied with it, it’s hard to bring him back down to earth sometimes. it’s less complicated to drown his thoughts in his work   (  and make self deprecating jokes  )   than remember the mess his life has turned into. 

maybe being creative comes easily to nathaniel because of the type of person he is. he loves learning about new people, in fact he goes out of his way to hear their stories. everyone has a story and he’s obsessed with knowing them all. he understands them most of the time, finding a piece of himself in them, and that ultimately leads to the story influencing a painting. everyone he meets, who leaves a mark with him, he makes sure to take a quick photo of them. he has all of these ‘leave a mark’ photos on his bedroom wall, in the form of a collage, at the hostel.

extra links :   the   full   badly   written   biography    (  which  you  don’t  have  to  read...  bc  i  basically  copied  and  pasted  it  up  there  🤓  )     &    the  social  media  page.

[hopehunted]

“ 𝐔𝐆𝐋𝐘 𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐋𝐒 𝐒𝐏𝐎𝐊𝐄 𝐓𝐎 𝐌𝐄. 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐁𝐋𝐀𝐌𝐄, 𝐈 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐌 𝐒𝐀𝐘, 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐄. ” is that SHELLEY HENNIG? oh no, that’s 𝐉𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐀𝐍 𝐓𝐎𝐔𝐒𝐒𝐀𝐑𝐃, born on the 27th of JULY, 2011. i heard SHE (CIS FEMALE) is a 𝐒𝐎𝐋𝐃𝐈𝐄𝐑 in the 𝐖𝐘𝐎𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐀. apparently, they can be PERSEVERING and BOLD but also known to be MERCILESS and GUARDED. spends most of their free time battling a bone-deep desire to flee, probably smells like METAL. is that a bite mark i see?

character inspirations: laurie strode (halloween 2018), murder coat!rick grimes (the walking dead), din djarin (the mandalorian), bigby wolf (the wolf among us), kelly bailey (misfits), frank castle (punisher), spot (the good dinosaur), trilla suduri (star wars), stitch (lilo & stitch).

you can find jordan’s stats right here, where i’ve also put all her links. there’s a good bit of info there, so i’ll just be fluffing her out a bit more here! 

— 𝐈 𝐀𝐌 𝐋𝐎𝐎𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐓𝐎 𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐈 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐀 𝐆𝐈𝐑𝐋 ; 𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐌𝐘 𝐁𝐎𝐃𝐘'𝐒 𝐀 𝐅𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐇 𝐎𝐅 𝐏𝐎𝐈𝐒𝐎𝐍 𝐎𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐋𝐎𝐎𝐑. CONTENT WARNING: the second-to-last bullet point of this section mentions pregnancy, postpartum depression, and infant death. it’ll be marked with ***.

jordan was born and raised in rural country, far beyond fedra’s reach. their community was overlooked by the government and denied entry to quarantined zones. they were left to fend for themselves — nothing but them, the land, and a dread so thick it filled the air like smog. 

her parents died quickly - no match for the changing tides - and their farm was overtaken by insurgents. suddenly, she became communal property. no, schrodinger's orphan: simultaneously everyone's and no one's ward. soon enough, a young couple would come to adopt her. it was good while it lasted, but jordan's luck is pure shit. family is quickly associated with the ephemeral: each caretaker having taught her something different before they pass or abandon her somewhere — all of them having made a promise they can’t or don’t intend to keep. some of them offer her their compassion's warmth, while others cut like a knife. she's a sponge: soaking up their essences until there was no more room for her, or who she may have been otherwise. 

above all, jordan learned how to make herself useful. she grew older and tougher in more ways than one. in a world intent on eating her alive, jordan fought to prove her worth, earn her place in groups, and for what bit of food and supplies they could scrap together. it was a life of grit, blood, and sweat: each moment clouded by the intrinsic need to survive, pushing out the fantasy of ever letting her defenses down. there is no order in the bush. jordan doesn’t know anything else — her life revolving around a fight, always. what moments of light she has are flickers in the dark ; moments she struggles still to claim are real. it’s easier to accept a grim fate than it is to hope for a brighter one. see, around these parts, hope kills quicker than a clicker.

time passed and jordan was a woman grown, just settling in to her twenties. for once, things we’re actually going well. their camp was protected, safe. it felt odd, she thought, this moment of peace. hope crawled into her brain through her ears and settled there, colonizing her consciousness. a tender friendship and string of bad decisions blossomed into something more; something that felt.. permanent. one thing led to another and suddenly they were expecting. jordan had never had a family before, not in a true sense, but she was excited to try. the idea of creating something greater than her was an exhilarating one, as though a string of good deeds could somehow right what was otherwise wrong in the world. she was excited to assume the role of a teacher, a leader, a caretaker. never before had she wanted anything more than that.

*** the storm passed and jordan realized she’d only been in the eye of it, momentarily untouched. the unimaginable unfolded before their eyes and jordan ventured elsewhere to a place formerly unbeknownst to her. it was a place for which there were no words, no understanding to be formed of a wound of that magnitude. jordan couldn’t bear to be present. memory had no mercy. her body, aching and sore and still producing sustenance, had no mercy. people would attempt to console her and it only made her want to bite. her partner was kinder than she deserved and it only made her want to scream her throat raw. she felt as though she’d shattered into a million pieces, the shards of her embedded in her very flesh, digging deeper with every step she took. at that point, there was only one truths to be told: jordan couldn’t stay.

it ends with this: jordan walks into the bush and doesn’t come back. she leaves nothing behind — not even a note or a whispered goodbye. she's just gone.

— 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄’𝐒 𝐀𝐍 𝐎𝐖𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐏 𝐓𝐎 𝐃𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐔𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍, 𝐀𝐍 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐀𝐂𝐘, 𝐀𝐍 𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐏𝐑𝐈𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍.

she’s twenty-six when the grizzlies find her: a trail of mutilated bodies leading them to a woman worn. misery has made a fiend of her: she’s harsher now, her hurt branded into the scarred skin of her body.

unsurprisingly, jordan fits right in with them. theirs is the only world she knows — she doesn’t notice the barbarism. if life is one long act of violence; what makes this any different? she takes to the work easily, proving her worth and earning the mark of the bear with ease. fremont lake is home, but jordan doesn’t trust it. she finds solace elsewhere, back in the woods. she’s happiest when scavenging or on a hunt, all too eager to keep herself occupied somehow. 

despite her efforts to be otherwise, jordan is a known figure in the wyoming militia. she’s a gun aimed wherever yen wants her: she’s brutal, decisive. jordan doesn’t flinch and she doesn’t hesitate. when there’s a move to be made, she’s typically one of the ones at the front of it. frankly, she’s no stranger to extreme violence. she bites and she scratches and she’ll use whatever is in her reach to win a fight. she’s not trained by any official means, but she has heart and will go for your knees every single time. it’s dirty, desperate, and merciless. you won’t leave a fight with her without a mark.

jordan doesn’t know how to deal with people being genuinely kind to her. she thinks there has to be a catch somewhere, that everything is a transaction of some sort. she’ll get nervous, flustered even. like, ‘what are you doing? is this a joke? stop looking at me like that.’ and if she does something kind, she’d rather die than be recognized for it. being tender? being acknowledged as a human being capable of contributing something of worth? gross. ew. too revealing for her, thanks.

she has a lot of survival skills knowledge. knows how to make do with minimal supplies and resources, and i mean that in the bear grylls doing nasty shit just to make it through the night type of way. she’s also an excellent huntsman. she can sniff out tracks easily and leaves no nook or cranny untouched when scavenging. she’ll climb and crawl through questionable buildings if there’s a chance for loot inside. you might want to watch your belongings around her, too.

her living quarters are bare, and you can’t tell much about her just by looking through it. having moved from camp to camp for a majority of her life, coupled with an innate sense of instability has pretty much dissolved any real sense of ownership she feels over things. she does like little trinkets, though. typically small animal figurines. she thinks they’re charming.

she can be a great friend, if you manage to get close enough. she's brazen, a surprisingly good listener, and always more than willing to lighten the mood. she may not laugh at your jokes, but she'll have your back, even if it costs her own. as it turns out, jordan can be very generous sometimes: she’ll shower you in attention and walk in your shadow, chasing the light you emit. deep down, jordan has a strong desire to please, and shows her love through acts of service. she wants to be needed, and needs to be useful to those she loves.

had coffee once and she hated it. too needy of a drunk to feel comfortable drinking. avoids the fighting pits. freezes up when someone touches her. can and will steal your flannel shirts.

— 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐂𝐀𝐍 𝐔𝐒𝐄 𝐀 𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐀𝐑 𝐀𝐒 𝐀 𝐖𝐀𝐋𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐂𝐊, 𝐁𝐔𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐋 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐄 𝐈𝐓𝐒 𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐄.

first of all, when i say i’m genuinely down to do any and all plots i mean that. i don’t say no to anything lol and want to do all the things, whether it’s mega death angst or something that’s so sweet it’ll make my teeth hurt. gimme everything, pls n thanks!

i’ve purposely left some gaps in her history in order to leave room for anything we cook up. people she was once in a group with / traveled with way back when could be cool. little acts of fate are my favorite - imagine the reunions! whether they hated each other, were familiar, or were thick as thieves is all good with me. 

if anyone wants to pick up the ex she wanted to start a family with, then i’d be willing to discuss that! they could be from any faction [except for the purged, logistically]. doesn’t have to be the actual person that got her pregnant either. jordan checked out after everything that happened and ultimately left without any warning, goodbye, or anything. surely that’s gotta rouse some intense feelings, especially if they just so happen to come across her again.. as fate and its shit sense of humor would have it. 

jordan can have some friends.. as a treat. hehe. seriously, give her someone to shoot the shit with and to annoy the hell out of!

friends with benefits / one night stands could be interesting, especially since jordan doesn’t really let very many people that close to her. keep in mind though, she’s the type to fuck someone and then never speak of it again which is very well-adjusted of her. 

jordan gets bit pretty early on in game, and by that i mean literally in january of 2044, lol. so, having someone help her with her wound could be interesting. i was thinking it could be some quid pro quo type of deal where she asks them for supplies in exchange for whatever they want, but i’m down to discuss any differing ideas / alter it to fit our characters. jordan wouldn’t want them to know what the supplies was for, but the opportunity for them to find out anyhow could still arise because who doesn’t love some good ole drama? 

someone that does not vibe with her / she doesn’t vibe with could be cool, too! not everything is peachy keen, you know?

exes / almost exes are one of my weaknesses. getting so close to someone that you end up on the other side of them is so bittersweet. i need it. jordan is a difficult individual, so maybe this was a will-they-won’t-they type of situation that never went anywhere, or it was silent pining, or whatever else we think of is all good with me. can have been unrequited or not, too. could be a relationship neither of them can leave well enough alone, or one that makes it difficult for them to ever go back to being friends - maybe there’s too much bitterness to see past. i just wanna paint some angsty little trees, man. 

[pansyaparkinson]

Under the cut is a formatted version of Pansy’s application, since Tumblr has decided to be mean (once again): 

OOC

Name: Karli

Age: 29

Pronouns: She/Her

Timezone: CST 

Writing Sample: Please provide a link to some writing. This does not have to be from a roleplay specifically, though it is preferred.

Ships: Pansy/Chemistry is ultimately the most important thing to me. I have this weird soft spot for Pansy/Goyle after some chemistry I had with a Goyle when I played Pansy in another rpg and I’ve shipped them ever since! But it’s not something I would need to have. Mostly, I’m excited to play her coming back to Britain and reconnecting with all the folks from her past! 

Anything else?: Pansy’s favorite color is red (despite the - ugh - Gryffindor colors!) and she often sports a crisp, pristine red lip that almost looks like blood. 

IC - Overview

Full name: Pansy Auria Parkinson (Delvaux) - Pansy managed to keep her surname under the pretenses of her career, having been known within her line as a Parkinson. She uses Parkinson for her professional and personal life - but will call herself a Delvaux if it helps her get ahead or in polite French company.

Age: 40 (31 December 1979) - Yes, she throws the most extravagant New Year’s Eve parties in celebration of her birthday. 

Gender: Cis-female (she/her)

Sexuality: Heterosexual. Pansy will be the first one to tell you that she likes cock. But only when that cock does whatever she wants. She’s not necessarily homophobic in the “normal” sense where she really cares who is fucking who - but she definitely makes homophobic jokes sometimes and, even if she loves you (looking at you, Draco!), you can’t escape her rolling her eyes a bit whenever the topic of sexuality comes up. She’s definitely going to hit you where it hurts if she’s angry. 

Blood status: Pureblood

Former Hogwarts House: Slytherin

Occupation: Designer for Twilfitt and Tatting's

The shoppe, Twilfiit and Tatting’s, has been owned by the Parkinsons for generations. The oldest son, Malcolm, Pansy’s father, had inherited the business from his father. Malcolm, however, had plans far greater than his father could have dreamed. While Twilfitt and Tatting’s location in Diagon Alley brought enough money in to sustain the family fortune, Malcolm wanted to expand.

Throughout Pansy’s childhood, he was in constant discussion with other businessmen to open new locations throughout various places in Europe. It took a lot of time away from his family, but tripled their income and made Twilfitt and Tatting’s the place to get high end robes, clothing, and accessories.

Pansy started scribbling designs for new outfits when she was young, but her father would not take them seriously until after graduation, when he finally allowed her visions to become a reality. The Auria line (named for Pansy’s middle name) became the fastest-selling line Twilfitt had ever seen.

But it wasn’t enough. While her father was never a Death Eater - much too busy being successful to follow a man with no fashion sense at all! - he did a lot of his business with people who were. As those wizards and witches were caught and sent to Azkaban for Voldemort-supporting acts after the war, Malcolm’s businesses began to fail.

The Parkinson’s were losing money fast at that time - something they’d mainly been able to keep from the public eye - and Pansy had to step up and find a rich man to marry in order to help the business stay afloat. Pansy’s mother, Cordelia, did not want to fall from grace like those Malfoy’s, after all.

Pansy did manage to do just that - find a man, save the company, and is now the leading designer within the multiple Twilfitt establishments. Her line is sleek and expensive, mainly geared towards fashionable and rich witches. (Link to some of the clothing will be posted below within the “extra” section). She’s very happy with her career… but it came at what costs?

Marital Status: Widowed.

Pansy met Armand Delvaux when she was just twenty-three years old on a trip to the shoppe in Paris, which had been doing rather well until the fall of Voldemort. On their last bit of finances, the ability to keep the fact that the Parkinsons were actually broke was becoming harder and harder to manage. Meeting Armand had been a gift from Merlin itself, it seemed. Rich he was, though not so handsome, he was forty-two years Pansy’s senior and had lost his original wife in an unfortunate potions accident when the woman was rather young.

Pansy had gotten to work quickly, making herself known as available (though not too available) and Armand had fallen for her even before her knees hit the ground. Honestly, those Gryffindors complaining about torture under the Carrows know nothing until they’ve stuck a wrinkly penis in their mouth to save the family. 

They were married within just four months of meeting one another, something his grown children (there are three of them, two daughters and a son - the middle one the same age as Pansy herself) were very vocal about not being in agreement with. While Pansy lived her life with her husband without loving him, she did love what he had to offer her. The funding for Twilfitt went back up - the Paris shoppe suddenly bloomed - and they were able to expand farther than even her father had expected.

The shoppe is now the leading brand for expensive, designer clothing with Pansy at its helm. When Armand died two years ago - rather young for wizards, but Armand had always been known to experiment with the tobacco he put in that pipe of his and his poor heart suffered - she inherited 85% of his money (despite more protests from her stepchildren, really they’ve been such a pain!). With that money, she purchased a rather loftily flat in England with a direct connection via floo to her estate in Paris. The last two years, she’s split her time between the two, but the excitement of France has recently died down and she’s been spending much more time with old friends in England.

Faceclaim: Katie McGrath (1st choice), Eva Green (2nd choice), Lucy Hale (younger) - I would prefer the Katie/Lucy match, as I feel like they have more similarities and also Katie’s supergirl resources and a few others are TOTALLY Pansy-esque 

Summary: A lot of Pansy’s life shortly after the war had been defined by that one moment in the Great Hall - and, really, how unfair was that! She’d only wanted to have her school stay undestroyed and her friends kept safe, after all. The Parkinsons had never chosen a side in the war, safe from any harm regardless of what happened given their pureblooded status. Pansy herself hardly thought about the war at all - and yet, she was being punished publicly for it. While there was no trial or prison for her - the backlash her old classmates gave her for trying to give Potter up to the Dark Lord was enough to make her bristle. That, combined with the Parkinson fortune dwindling, made Pansy run away to Paris to find a rich husband and start a new life. She settled with a man forty-two years older named Armand Delvaux and the failing business her family owned - Twilfitt and Tatting’s - began to thrive again with his money. Pansy herself found passion in fashion designing and her Auria brand is known as one of the leading brands in high-fashion clothing sales. While she spent most of her life after school travelling between Paris and London, she has decided to plant herself anew in the country of old friends and enemies again, now that her dear old husband has died. Many still think of her as that bitch from school and they aren’t wrong… but, cut her some slack, she’s grown up… a little bit. 

IC - In Depth

Discussion

I included a lot of this discussion above in places I felt they made most sense, but below is a discussion of various things I have yet to add:

-Pansy is not ashamed of what she did during the war because, quite honestly, she hardly did a thing. She was no Death Eater - there was no Azkaban for her. As far as anyone knows, Pansy is the same person as she always was… but maybe just a bit nicer. Of course, that’s a laugh! She’s playing nice because it’s what this new wobbly feelings world wants her to be. She’s still not going to hold hands with Weasley or tell Granger she’s pretty or something insane like that! She’s got standards. She just might not spike your drink with laxative potion for a laugh anymore… well, not much potion anyway. Potter can miss one day of work for her entertainment. 

-Pansy is ambitious. She’s a Slytherin for a reason, after all. She’s a designer (not a shoppe keeper, to anyone who may ask, thank you very much!) and values her work. She spends hours working on new pieces for her Auria line and won’t stop until it’s perfected. Some people think fashion is silly - but Pansy knows the truth. It’s an art form. Some wizards have just yet to discover it.

-Pansy is not nice. While she can play at it with a smile when she has to, she’s not above backhanded compliments and manipulation. She’s such a gossip and shouldn’t be trusted with any secret. Who’s dating who (or who’s fucking who, more like it) will be spread like Fiendfyre… whoops, don’t mention that word in front of poor Draco and Gregory… they get a bit sensitive. Pansy “forgot.” 

-Perhaps the most curious thing about Pansy is that she both cares and doesn’t care about what other people think about her. It’s why she’s so mean - it’s easier to be the one on top putting everyone else down than have it possibly happen to her. When someone brings up her betrayal of Potter before the final battle, Pansy pretends to easily shrug it off with a perfectly presented insult and a roll of the eyes. But, the truth is, there’s a reason she uses make up potions and wears nice clothes and keeps all the flyaways out of her hair… the better she looks, the less fodder everyone else has for the fire. 

-While there was no actual punishment for Pansy after the war, given she never fought for any side, the way those old classmates of hers viewed her after the stunt in the Great Hall was punishment enough. They looked down on her, something that brought up a whole lot of insecurity for her in a way she hated. It was enough to push her to France, agreeing to look after the shoppe there, and allowed her to settle into security with a husband she didn’t love.

-In fact, she did not love Armand at all - even for a second. While Armand was kind to her in some respects, he also very much underestimated her. Kept her out of the discussions when Twilfitt went into business with the Delvaux Company. She could play at her “little designs”, but could not truly take over the business, despite the fact that her line made the business the most money out of anything else they sold. In Armand’s mind, business was no place for a woman, something Pansy was unabashedly in disagreement with.

-Pureblood families - particularly families from higher society - have always stressed reproduction. While marriages are ideally full of love and children, creating an heir has always been the higher standard within the society that Pansy grew up in. She was supposed to get pregnant - supposed to have children and carry on the bloodline, despite any children she may have had not taking on the name Parkinson. That didn’t happen. In the end, it was discovered after trips to several different healers that Pansy could not, in fact, have biological children. Armand was alright with it, as he had three other children to carry on his name, including a son. Pansy could’ve considered adoption - she could’ve considered surrogacy. Instead, she decided that her life would be devoted to her career. She never truly liked children, anyway - just thought becoming a mother was what was expected of a young woman like her. In the end, she has found she feels very fulfilled. She’s usually very happy with her choice, but that doesn’t stop from the occasional pang of resentment and sadness whenever she sees old friends and acquaintances with their growing families. 

-Despite what many believe, Pansy does love her friends. Draco is an actual treasure! Even if she is mortified by the way she threw herself at a gay man once upon a time. She very much values his friendship and has spent many visits to England with him. Daphne, too, is practically her soulmate. Pansy adores the woman who has been friends with her since Hogwarts. While Daphne’s status from Spindrift Lane meant she was more easily manipulated, Pansy loves that in a friend. She’s always been Queen Bee, after all.

-But just because she loves you doesn’t mean you’re safe. She’s mean whenever she wants to be - nice whenever it serves her. She might order her friends around sometimes and give backhanded compliments (Oh, your skin finally doesn’t look washed out today in that outfit!), but if anyone else tried to do that to someone she cared for, they’d be in for a rude awakening. Just because she can be a bitch doesn’t mean just anyone can talk to her friends like that! Even her own attitude has died down in recent years, as she grew older and things didn’t matter nearly as much. But she’ll still pull out the claws whenever she has to.

-Pansy is mostly in disagreement with Hermione’s Cerberus program. While she agrees that magical people shouldn’t be just going off with Muggles and therefore the Statute of Secrecy is important, she definitely doesn’t like the idea of people trying to watch her all the time. In her eyes, it’s a very prejudiced program. Who are considered the “suspicious ones?” The Slytherins from the war. Even though Pansy herself did not fight in the battle or even pick a side, she knows how people view her. Just because she was a Slytherin doesn’t mean that she’s off experimenting with Dark Magic and absolutely despises how this program will make her and others like her look.

- Pansy isn’t surprised more shit has arrived on that doorstep, but just like in the last war - she has no interest in playing a part (yet).

Plots

-Pansy is back in England now, almost permanently. While she does still visit France periodically, this is the first time she’s been in her home country more often than the other since she was twenty three. Yes, she’s stayed in close contact with her friends… but how will everyone else handle the Ice Bitch being back? She may have grown a bit throughout her time, but would they know it?

-Party on NYE? Pansy’ll throw it, so long as you bring her a gift!

-We have a plethora of Gryffindors and Weasleys and other do-gooders from the war (I play one of them, after all!) on the dash and I wanted to bring in someone who is opposite of Harry and who will give me The fog hardly interests her. Where there’s Hogwarts, there’s trouble. Where there are Weasleys and Potters and all the Gryffindors, there’s trouble.various plots. I’m not against the tension and definitely don’t expect people to just be happy with Pansy, who is rather mean about 70% of the time. I’m all for those interpersonal tension-filled plots.

-While I say Pansy doesn’t want to be part of the war, what I mean is that she’s not ready for it. If this fog business becomes worse - what happens then? She’s an adult now and likely can’t just hide behind not choosing a side. I would love it if she gets sucked into helping, rather than hurting, and is forced to work alongside all these people who probably hate her. If the Order is reestablished, perhaps she can join and be an actual asset. She’s got money - but she also has intel. Just because her husband thought business was no place for a woman didn’t mean Pansy abided by it. She knows more about the people her dad used to do business with than anyone thinks she does. She can be useful to the Order. She doesn’t want Lord Voldemort to come back, after all. He really fucked things up last time! 

Extras

The link to Pansy’ pinterest is located below. It includes pictures of the faceclaims and her designs for Twilfitt. 

https://www.pinterest.ca/karliandtaylor/pansy-parkinson/

[camillesfm]

。· . ˙ ⌈ alva bratt + cis female + she / her + the  intangible concept ⌋  yo ,  have  you  meet  that  KOOK  ,  camille 'cj' petersen ,  yet ?  — no ?  well ,  to  give  you  a  little  heads  up  before  you  do  ,  they’re  a  TWENTY   year  old ,  PRE-LAW STUDENT  ,  and  have  been  living  in  coston  for  TWENTY . since  i’ve  known  them  ,  they’ve  reminded  me  of PALE PINK POINTE SHOES , CHAINS MADE OF WHITE CLOVERS , A PURPLE SKY JUST BEFORE SUNRISE , STEADY WAVES CRASHING AT LOW TIDE , AND SHATTERED & SCATTERED GLASS . usually  they’re  quite  LEVELHEADED  &  THOUGHTFUL  but  just  make  sure  you  keep  an  eye  out  for  them  around  town  because  i  heard  can  be  quite  RETICENT  &  ALOOF  as  well  so  here’s  hoping  they  aren’t  the  ones  to  undo  this  whole  peace  pact  they  have  going  on  this  summer .  but  just  between  you  &  me ,  i  kinda  hope it  all  falls  apart .  the  rivalry  keeps  this  whole  boring  town  interesting . –– this is cj . . . let’s just . . . dive into this mess ! 

𝐁 𝐀 𝐂 𝐊 𝐆 𝐑 𝐎 𝐔 𝐍 𝐃 .

scarlett petersen is a name known statewide, as she’s the best corporate lawyer on the east coast, clever as the devil and twice as pretty with long blonde hair often pinned into a sleek ponytail. david petersen got his degree at vanderbilt university, moving on to get his phd at unc chapel hill where he could never quite shake that carolina blue. he’s been sitting chancellor for the past six years in tandem with a long term sports-medicine, neuroscience research project that studies the long term affects of brain damage in athletes in contact sports. they both hail from old money families, and long lines of success are continued in two people who hold appearance and accomplishment far above humility or even . . . . humanity lol. they’re good people, really . . . just not really the parenting type.

which is unfortunate! as.  well into their marriage, they had twins, caleb, first, and camille, ten minutes later. bright eyed and blonde haired, the perfect petersen babies were angels in their infancy, and it was easy to parent them . . . especially when they were paying someone else to do it.

caleb and camille grew up under the watchful eye of a rosy-cheeked nanny. think julie andrews as nanny in eloise. they were happy, but lonely, though you’d never guess it by their wide smiles in cuddled family portrait christmas cards. for all anyone else knew, scarlett and david were perfect parents, raising two beautiful children who they loved more than anything . . . but behind that iron gated entryway to a house on the coast was another story.

they liked their kids, sure, but whether or not they loved them was another question entirely. camille, growing up to be the spitting image of scarlett, was liked in the way a rare porcelain artifact was. she was a beautiful thing to behold; seen, not spoken to. shown off, not interacted with in anyway. held with delicate hands and passed around as a humble brag: look at this precious thing i’ve brought into the world. i bet mine’s better than yours. 

but as time passed, the novelty of having children seemed to wear off, and they were moving to the next big thing, the next big step in their careers. they weren’t around when camille began going by cj because it was easier for little voices to say. they weren’t around when blonde ringlets relaxed and grew darker. they weren’t around when she started to develop a personality of her own, interests of her own, talents of her own. christmas cards would go out, but rarely were they all together on christmas morning. thanksgivings were often spent with grandparents, as their parents worked through the holiday. they spent more and more time away from coston, leaving cj and caleb in nanny’s capable hands.

but life goes on, and sometimes it was easy to forget that it was abnormal not to have your parents around. as a youngin, cj was interested in everything. she took a liking to soccer and lacrosse, painting and drawing, piano and guitar . . . but somewhere in between a blue mat and pale pink pointe shoes, she found her thing.

it was obvious, from an early age, that cj was one hell of a dancer. disciplined and precise when she needed to be. creative and passionate when it called for it. gymnastics trained her strength, ballet trained her patience, contemporary pushed her limits with creativity, partner work taught her teamwork. dance was very clearly her best thing and her favorite thing.

her parents only ever attended recitals when it didn’t conflict with anything else on their schedules and when it was classical ballet. dance was a frivolous thing for them, but for cj it was everything. being a naturally shy kid, naturally timid in the shadow of her last name, she became a completely different person on stage who dominated a spotlight . . . without even needed a literal spotlight. ultimately, this is what she spent her life doing. monday through thursday evenings, dance. competitions and performances on the weekends. if neither were happening, you’d catch her teaching classes at coston’s local studio.

it’s what truly made her happy, but that wasn’t something her parents understood. caleb and nanny did, sure, but her parents? not one bit. someone would ask what she wanted to be when she grew up, and if dance was mentioned, she’d be cut off mid-sentence. they didn’t want to hear about it because it wasn’t logical. you can’t make a career out of it. it didn’t help much that her brother was the ideal child in that realm, charming and on a path to success in the medical field. they still had questionable motives, but they favored nonetheless.

sometimes it was a blessing; sometimes it was a curse. when she could slip under the radar, she was grateful, but it seemed that her parents had a keen eye for her screwups. any chance they had, they’d use to scold her or nudge her away from the pointe shoes.

so cj spent a lot of time being pristine in the way that was expected of her, never letting anyone know too much about her, only keeping a few friends close enough to really know her. she stayed out of trouble, kept up exceptional grades, smiled and nodded when necessary, and began catering to the idea that she’d go to law school, a fate pre-determined by her mother no doubt. 

nowadays, she attends brown university, pre-law. she’s a picturesque ivy league gal with a dark academia aesthetic when at school, but there’s a restlessness lingering under the surface. even she’s doing what her parents require of her, she never seems to live up to their unrealistic expectations. we rly do be . . . . waiting for her to have a complete breakdown . . . . aklsdfjha

𝐏 𝐄 𝐑 𝐒 𝐎 𝐍 𝐀 𝐋 𝐈 𝐓 𝐘 .

miss camille . . . better known around town as cj . . . is, above all else, the picture of serenity. she’s levelheaded and calm, and patient as all get out which is probably why she’s so damned accustomed to just going with what her parents thought of her. she’s really great to have in a crisis because very few things cause that steady nature of hers to crumble, and because she’s honestly. . . quietly very maternal. putting the needs of others before her own comes naturally.

she’s quiet and shy, yes, but just because she doesn’t speak doesn’t mean she doesn’t listen. she listens and sees and is . . . quite observant. there’s a way about her that notices the little things, which makes her quite thoughtful when it comes to the people she loves. if you’re lucky enough to be close to her, you can bet she quietly takes notes of little habits and favorites and carefully uses them to idk love ya better ya feel??

reticent comes from the fact that she doesn’t often let people get close to her. the way her parents treated her and caleb growing up has taken. .. . a toll for sure because honestly she’s terrified of disappointing people by shattering the mirror of perfection and revealing too much about herself that’s unexpected

aloof comes from the way she’s calm and quiet . . . and how that sometimes translates as apathy . . . on top of that she’s very daydreamy like she is That Bitch who is staring out of the window producing a whole move in her head which sometimes causes her to not hear when people are talking to her . . . cue the ‘hm? what?’ tuning back in

when i say cj is a different person when she’s dancing . . . . i mean it. like i REALLY mean it. she’s confident and expressive. her choreography tests the limits of tradition. she pushes boundaries when it comes to the physicality of performances. like u rly look at her being quiet and to herself in the corner at a country club event and then see her performing like she invented contemporary and ur like . .. . are u SURE that’s the same girl

people who know her most know her as warm. when she opens up, getting past the shy, she can be a little goofy, definitely has avery creative way about her, wants to know that you’re okay and if you’re not, how can she help ya know!! 

has a black cat named lucky because ya know . . . black cats are bad luck . . . ha ha ha ha . . . get it

the ‘j’ in cj is for her middle name . . . but no one really knows what her middle name is . . . except family and close, close friends 

absolutely hates the energy of the pogue/kook rivalry and thinks violence is most cERTAINLY not the way to go

often times found by the shoreline at night, just a little ways off from the petersen estate because she likes the way the waves sound as they roll in. it helps her think

is trying to make the best of law school by studying to become a defense attorney and she likes it! sort of! really, she just wants to dance for as long as she can and ultimately open up her own studio

definitely believes in wishing stars

bad case of insomnia

has a finsta dedicated to lucky

has a dance insta too . . . . but that’s lowkey bc her parents can’t know about it

please for the love of god watch this because charity and cj have the same energy

this also has cj energy

so does this . . . classical is fun when it’s telling a story and she loves a good pas de deaux but otherwise meh

my girl is physically . .. QUITE strong

says sorry WAY too often

incessant need to prove herself, prove her worth, since her parents never seem to find it

loves caleb sfm but will thump him in the forehead for mentioning he’s older

overachiever . . . . yikes

ABSOLUTELY burns the candle at both ends

idk if y’all watched high school musical the musical the series but gina . . . . . ..  minus the ‘mean girl’ plot they tried . . .. is v cj and bitch i hate to say it but neville longbottom??? also a cj mood LMAO

OK THAT’S IT THAT’S ALL THERE WE GO IT’S DONE I’M DONE GBYYYYYE BABIIIIE

[zacharygable]

(rome flynn, 25, cis male, he/him) The war is about to start ZACHARY GABLE. We see that you will be fighting for NEITHER family as a LYCAN. HE reminds me of NEAT WHISKEY, CLOUDY NIGHT SKIES, RIPPED JEANS and COMBAT BOOTS. We wish you luck. 

BASICS →

FULL NAME: Zachary Jeremiah Gable.

AGE: 25.

GENDER/PRONOUNS: cis male, he/him.

SPECIES: Lycan.

HEADCANONS →

Zachary lives out of a campervan, and has done since he left his last pack. He finds it easier to pack up and leave if everything is in the same place.

Zac blames himself for the death of his sister Aria, seeing it as his failure for not being able to protect her. Because of this, he becomes very protective of those he gets close to, though this doesn’t happen often.

He has a large scar down his left side from the fight with his old Alpha. He has yet to find a pack to accept him.

He spends his spare time writing poetry. He finds it keeps him connected to his deceased sister, who always wrote poetry when she was feeling down.

Zac has come to Cresthill having spoken to a few lycan who have passed through. He is sick of being lonely and is hoping to find a place to call home for longer than a couple of weeks.

The sound of Aria being attacked is still something that causes Zac nightmares, to which he often wakes up screaming. 

BIOGRAPHY →

Zachary is the youngest of two individuals born into the Gable family. His elder sibling was a sister by the name of Aria, who was four years his senior. His father was the alpha of their pack when he was born, and Zac grew up looking up to his father in the hopes of one day following in his footsteps.

When Zac was seven years old, a fight broke out within the pack, with his uncle challenging his father for the role of alpha. Zac wasn’t sure what went on at the time, as the gaps were only filled in for him when he was old enough to understand the seriousness of the situation. However, Zac’s father was killed in the fight and his uncle took over as the alpha.

Zac spent a long time after this confiding in his older sister, the two becoming increasingly close as they grew up. They had an interest in honoring their father’s legacy, and spent many a night working out how exactly they were going to take back the pack for themselves. There was a lot at stake, and their uncle held a great deal of power of them. But they were determined, and as soon as they both felt that they were able, they made plans with several of their close lycans within the pack to start the fight.

Zac knew he wanted to take down his uncle. It was his father who had been killed, and he felt it would only be right for him to avenge him in the only way he knew how. Unfortunately for Zac and Aria, there had been some traitors within their pack, and news of the upcoming rebellion had got back to the very same alpha that they were trying to take down. The fight lasted what felt like an age, and many of the pack members lost their lives.

Including Aria.

While Aria was losing her battle elsewhere, Zac was losing his own against his uncle. He almost lost his life, and to this day is unsure as to exactly why he had been spared when Aria hadn’t. He was expelled from the pack, a decision he gladly accepted having been unable to remove the alpha, and instead began a life alone. 

Since the fight four years ago, Zac has been travelling around in his campervan. He doesn’t pitch up for longer than a month usually, making a bit of money doing whatever he can around town for cash, before deciding it ultimately wasn’t for him and moving on. 

He has met Lycans along the way, more so during full moons elsewhere, who had warned him of Cresthilll. They told him tales of a war brewing under the surface, but of the Lycan population that piqued his interest. He wasn’t interested in war, not after the last fight, but the prospect of finding his people was enough to tempt him to arrive.  How long he will stay, he doesn’t know.

[liesofthelonely]

( AMY ADAMS. FORTY FIVE. CIS FEMALE. SHE/HER. ) in texas, JACQUELINE WELLS is more commonly known as JACKIE. they’ve been living in newton for FORTY FIVE YEARS and currently AN AUTO BODY SHOP OWNER. some say they are REALISTIC & A WORKAHOLIC but i’m more inclined to believe those that say they’re SELFLESS & RELIABLE. if you walk by their house, you can sometimes hear DROPS OF JUPITER by TRAIN playing from their window. ( sunflower seeds, helix piercings, overalls, marc jacobs daisy perfume & gasping for air after a swim. )

hi there, the name is quinn & i die for this roleplay’s plot, as a motorbike lesbian wannabe this is so perfect, bless the admins for this ! also i have to say i very much suck at writing intros but here goes nothing heh. & not to forget my love leah who has brought me here !

jonathan & jennifer were blessed with not just one baby in 1974, but unexpectedly two. the discovery turned out to be dizygotic twins consisting of one boy and one girl & the wells couldn’t be more proud. like old fashioned / traditional parents, they had one of each gender and both a never expressed secret favorite by nature.

the wells kept up the tradition of naming their children starting with a ‘j’, jackson being named after jonathan’s father jaxson, the girl named jacqueline, not to be confused by or shortened to jac or any of that ‘nonsense’, they were old fashioned after all.

skip jump to their high school experience; jonathan was a busy ceo who was almost never home though he dearly loved his children which he expressed through taking them on trips all over the country and even internationally ! jennifer was an interior designer, a career she put on hold raising the kids, but when they both got sent off to school, she picked it right back up.

like the ultimate high school cliche, jacqueline became head cheerleader whilst her brother jackson achieved the quarterback position with ease & long story short; the wells were easily the talk of every single day they roamed the halls. not to forget their parents were huge sponsors, too. each wells twin with their own clique, almost owning the school itself with how much power they had. 

however they weren’t exactly the nicest people, they did try to please their parents every day, get a+ grades and spent their summers volunteering in third world countries in order to best their resumes. out of all relationships jacqueline had, the one she had with her brother was the best. they understood each other better than anyone else did, not even their parents came close to how much love they had for each other. when crashing parties, they always arrived & left together, it was as simple as that. they had each others backs. they were watertight, nothing less.

so, yes you might feel it coming, when jacqueline turned 21 and spent the perfect birthday dinner with her family, she flew that same night over to california to spend one of her last summers as a student at a friend’s villa. partying her ass off, expanding horizons sexually and swimming in her massive pool, completely losing track of time, it was her friend who found out about the heartbreaking news. the wells residence had gone up in flames overnight, a gas leak the police stated in the papers. which left jacqueline with the inheritance and no close family left.

it was something jacqueline never processed fully, til this day she still believes she’s living in some sort of fucked up dream. or nightmare, rather. there’s lots of times she just zones out, thinking of her family. she most definitely changed personality wise, going from stuck up bitch extrovert to easy-going introvert who’s very reliable but doesn’t talk about the past. any talk about her family is either dismissed or easily changed in subject.

in honor of her father and jackson’s wishes, she chased their dream instead of her own. she stayed in town instead of fleeing it, leaving her fantasies as a lawyer like she always hoped to become, she bought land with the inheritance’s money and built an auto body shop. as the business was under construction, jacqueline used her status and the family’s money to teach herself everything that was to know about cars, motorbikes, any alike vehicle & keeping a business that was to be taught by fellow owners/mechanics of auto body shops.

over time her name changed from jacqueline to jackie, making it both easier for fellow residents & making her feel closer to her deceased brother. she’s changed the business’ name multiple times but eventually stuck with ‘jackie’s all’s well’. 

she’s also very open to any customer, resident of newton or not, all is welcome or rather ... all is well haaa. but in all seriousness, she’s not picky and would love to help anyone. but also in my defense, i don’t know shit about cars so pls don’t come @ me. that’s all for now !

[ofjustine]

。· . ˙  ☀ ⌈ ester expósito + cis female + she / her + the fallen angel ⌋ yo , have you meet that KOOK , justine delgado , yet ? — no ? well , to give you a little heads up before you do , they’re a TWENTY-ONE year old , PHYSIOTHERAPY COLLEGE STUDENT , and have been coming to coston for NINE YEARS . since i’ve known them , they’ve reminded me of EARLY MORNING ALARMS THAT PULL YOU FROM A FITFUL SLEEP , A TWISTED & DARK PATH LEADING YOU TO AN UNKNOWN LOCATION , FIGURE SKATES HIDDEN AT THE BACK OF THE WARDROBE UNTOUCHED FOR YEARS , FAKING IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT , CONSTANT REASSURANCES OF ‘I’M FINE’ TO SAVE OTHERS FEELINGS & A SMILE THAT DOESN’T QUITE REACH THE EYES . usually they’re quite OBSERVANT & COMPASSIONATE but just make sure you keep an eye out for them around town because i heard can be quite RETICENT & DISTRUSTFUL as well so here’s hoping they aren’t the ones to undo this whole peace pact they have going on this summer . but just between you & me , i kinda hope it all falls apart . the rivalry keeps this whole boring town interesting .

BACKGROUND

trigger warnings for infertility , injuries , accidents & depression

prologue

before one can get into all that much about justine delgado , you have to know that justine’s story started long before she was even born. you see her parents — danielle & samuel delgado — were one of those couples that wanted a child more than anything in the world by sadly , for some reason , could not have one of their own . they tried for years before resigning themselves to the fact that it was just not meant to happen naturally & though adoption was on the table, there was more more option that they could try . ivf . that’s right , justine delgado is an ivf baby !

ivf in itself wasn’t the easiest road & it took a couple of rounds but on the 14th of september danielle & samuel delgado welcomed the child they’d been wanting more than anything in the world into their lives. justine delgado was a miracle baby & because of that here parents doted on her completely , she was their world & they were hers .

beginning

it was obvious from the start that justine was special . she wasn’t just a simple happy child with a small twinkle in her eye. the twinkle burned furiously and brightly , she was a bright light that filled any room she stepped into . though maybe it was what her parents had instilled in her from an earlier age that helped her grow into such a person because you see her parents had always told her to reach for the stars and that in the end if she liked who she was as a person , at the end of the day , that’s all that truly mattered . they worked hard on making sure she was confident in herself . she was without a doubt a soft person but when it came down to it justine was unapologetically herself . she knows her values , her beliefs , her abilities and her worth and i doubt there’s a person that could have ever sway her or make her change her mind .

thanks to the values & beliefs instilled in her by her parents , it was no surprise that justine excelled in almost everything that she did . once she set her mind on achieving something she didn’t stop until she reached it . she was a perfectionist through n’ through & though it aided her in excelling there was no denying that it was also one of her downfalls , she could never do things half heartedly or allow herself a moment to breathe until she was happy .

but for all the things she’s done , there’s only ever been one thing that’s she cared about most in the world . figure skating . since her parents first enrolled her into classes when she was 4 she’s known that it’s the only thing she’s ever wanted to do in life & being able to compete in the olympics was her ultimate goal . a goal she dedicated her whole life to .

her whole life revolved around figure skating . if she wasn’t at school she was at the ice rink training on & off the ice for 4 hours a day . & though she had a solid group of friends around her that did every so often manage to convince her to take a moments rest her social life was almost near non-existent . the olympics were the only thing that mattered at the end of the day , something that was highly achievable thanks to her quickly rising through the levels & winning competition after competition .

middle

though , her plans shifted a little when she was around 15 . the planned had always been to go to the olympics as an individual but after her coach suggested that maybe she could excel in pairs justine’s goal changed course & eric daniels became an important person in her life . he was going to help her win that gold medal & if justine was honest , there was something about doing pairs that skating on her own had never come close to touching .

everything in justine’s life was on track . her & eric were dominating their competitions & were always top of the leader board . there was even talk of them attempting to qualify for the 2018 winter olympics . but one moment , one second , was all it took for justine’s world to come tumbling down .

it was a lift she & eric had done thousands of times before , but a mere second of being out of balance caused it to result in an accident no one could have seen coming . justine ended up with a fractured ankle & a concussion .

the two injuries weren’t exactly the most uncommon in the skating world but this was different. almost everything in her ankle was ruined . tendons , ligaments , bone — and even after surgery it was career ending thanks to also being diagnosed with complex regional pain syndrome ( crps ) . justine’s dream of going to olympics was torn from her , leaving her completely lost . without figure skating , she didn’t know who she was or what in the world her life was going to be like now that everything had changed .

at 18 justine was at a loss , having zero plans other than figure skating & watching her friends all go off to college , affected her severely . she lost herself and allowed her crps to take over her life — crutches & pain killers made it just possible for her to walk anywhere . justine was a shell of herself and in the end her parents had to intervene & after countless doctors , pain specialists , physio and psychologist appointments , justine got off her crutches and slowly but surely got some of her life back . walking around and managing to do simple daily tasks was enough to bring back some light back into her eyes .

just around the time after her 19th birthday justine attempted to put her skates back on , after all the doctors never said anything about never being able to skate ever again , but it seemed her physical injuries  weren’t the only thing plaguing her . stepped out onto the ice brought back memories of the last time she was on the ice & since that day , she’s never stepped foot back into the ice rink that was once her whole life . she hated that something she once loved now terrified her .

present

she knew she had to start focusing on something else & the fact that her parents were also starting to ask questions about her future , justine finally decided to give university a go . she saw her friends having the time of their lives & thought maybe getting out there & experiencing things she’d never let herself experience completely due to her dedication to figure skating would do a world of good for her . but instead of going to college with her friends , justine enrolled in a university in england . thinking a fresh start where no one knew her would do her some good , so after being accepted into her chosen field of physiotherapy , she was off.

but no matter how much progress she’s made , there’s still a large part of her that has zero clue about what she’s doing or who she really is without figure skating . however , due to not wanting anyone to worry & wanting to appear like she’s doing okay she paints a mask of the girl everyone wants her to be , the old her . the girl that knew who she was inside & out , the girl that never put a foot wrong , the girl that hadn’t been through any trauma . she was easier that way after all , she didn’t come with ’ issues ’ no one really want to hear about , not even her parents , & it seems as though everyone’s buying into the perfect facade she’s built .

PERSONALITY & EXTRA INFO

though she was born in cheltenham , england , due to her father’s work the delgado family moved to chicago when she was only about 3-4 years old & has been living there ever since . however , they do travel to england & spain a lot to visit family .

after her family were invited down to one of her father’s colleagues summer house in coston one summer , her parents fell in love with the place & bought a house there when justine was about 12 . since then , they’ve been coming down each summer ever since .

though justine has always enjoyed her time at coston , she’s become less & less enthused about going each summer . since she’s just finished her 2nd year at uni in england she’d much rather just stay in england with the friends she made over there but her parents believe it’s better for her to come back & be with her family rather than allowing her to do who knows what in england .

even though her parents never forced the level of perfection justine sees for herself , after justine learnt that she was an ivf baby she’d put a lot of pressure on herself . she feels like ... her parents literally PAYED a shit ton of money to have her ... & she doesn’t want to let them down so !! perfection !! it’s !! gotta !! be !!

the type to look put together 24/7 . even her comfy clothes look like something out of a fashion magazine ... pls chill the hell out & look a mess for once in you life , i’m BEGGING

her parents may love her but .... there’s no denying that there is a part of them that wishes that justine doesn’t .... have the ‘ issues ’ she’s dealing with . they kind of just ... pretend they’re not there & hope it goes away . news flash parents , they’re gonna be there her whole life !!

even though she is at her a core a caring , loving & compasionate person who would do anything for the people she loves , she can come across as quite cold , disinterested & seems like she’d be a bitch if we’re being HONEST . but she just has her walls built so gd high that she finds it hard to let a lot of people in , believes that it’s better to keep people at a distance bc then they can’t hurt her like previous people in her life !!! 

talking of people that have hurt her (: she’s only ever had 1 boyfriend in her life & everyone thought they were going to be those cliche high school sweethearts but turns out the boy was a DICK & everything fell apart when justine had her accident bc he just didn’t want to deal with all of that & uh .. cheated on her & then blamed it all on her bc she was ‘ hard to deal with & he didn’t need that toxicity in his life ’ basically just made her feel p worthless & i hate him (:

literally HATES being touched & is terrified of heights bc of everything that happened on the ice ): has problems with intimacy & just ... can’t deal with it all bc all she gets is images of that day on the ice when her world turned to SHIT . she just has a hard time trusting people because the last people she let into her life that had a hand in her life ... shattered that trust .

even though she’s studying physiotherapy she is currently not 100% sold on it & is kinda just .... doing it because it’s something to do & appeases her parents need of her to have a bright future even if she just wants to .... cry 

is more or less in some sort of pain every day due to her crps but for the most part she deals with it . though it sometimes does get TOO MUCH & she retreats into herself

on a happier note , she has a bengal cat called kovu that she loves with her whole heart & he means the world to her . would be devasted if anything happened to him bc he’s kinda ... keeping her going bc who’s gonna look after him if anything happens to me . has been flying him back & forth from england to america

[tongue-tied-ties]

I finally got through all 200,000 words of that freaking epilogue and GOD HAVE MERCY I SHOULD HAVE WENT CANDY AND THEN MEAT.

Overall though, I like it. I like it alot! I mean there are some things I feel weird about which like.......aren’t the things everyone else feels weird about apparently.

SPOILERS BELOWWWWW~!!!!

So it’s alot easier to get out of the way what I am weirded out about than to explain the many things I did like. 

- I feel weird about the xenophobia thing and how it’s being treated. Like it’s being treated like a huge issue but like non-issue all at once?? I guess that’s because from John’s perspective he’s just too busy being weirded out or suffering to truly get involved. Like I sincerely hope nobody on the team thinks standing by in a situation like this is a valid stance in any way. But it also happens in real life so like, I get it. I think this bothers me because these kids were heroes. But also they were heroes out of necessity and because they were main characters. Like that’s honestly it. They had a mission and fulfilled it and they were hailed as heroes.

- Hussie presenting xenophobia as both a joke and a serious issue and sometimes it’s hard to tell what position the comic is trying to take which makes me uncomfortable. 

- I think it’s in character, but I hate that Karkat alone had to defend himself every time Jane was being the #worstTM. I hate that Roxy just standing by knowing good and well these are the stakes every single time was never fully addressed. I wish somebody sat our beautiful bae Roxy to let them know that like this is shitty too?? Like you saying this is simply politics when a literal extinction is happening is shitty why didn’t anyone tell them that in stone cold, super serious terms for the love of GOD it bothered me so much. 

- Alright anytime Dirk used any sort of like reddit NiceGuy Are you triggeredTM 4-chan bullshit language it turned me all the way off. Like incel, beta, cuck?? Misgendering our void icon?? Yea. Cancelled but also not cancelled because I haven’t been this shook or excited over a villain in so long.

- Gamzee. Just...yikes all around. I’m not sure how I feel.

- JAKE DESERVED BETTER. HE REALLY FREAKING DID JUST SAYING. JAKE DIDNT DESERVE THIS MADNESS. Omfg i never hated anyone as much as I did Dirk when he snapped Jake’s psyche in half forcing him to love Dirk. It was so fucking iconic though and I’m still mad y’all. So many feelings. Oh god and when Jane like........did him wrong?? What le fuck? Jake i’ll be your friend, come here mate. Please let me hug my boi who I didn’t stan before but i stan now.

- Those kids.....I love those kids give them a good future, please. I’m begging hussie let John be a good father.

- I think the kids grew because they were with each other, and they fact they didn’t stay together and let each other be isolated kinda makes this make sense to me but it does feel like with some characters the growth went out the window. But also....people can regress especially if they stop after like one epiphany or whatever, so I see how this happened.

- Dave redirecting what should have been the core political issue (freaking extinction/controlled population of exclusively the trolls) to the economy every single time. Like Dave baby you were never the most racially sensitive dude (coming from a black girl who watched you say negrocity, call black people not shining shoes revolutionary (which could be read as irony in context but still) in the same rap, which, YIKES!) but like try please?? Hussie freaking fix this.

- I oddly feel weird about them getting rid of their flesh bodies for their ultimate forms and I’m not sure why but I honestly don’t want all bots. I can’t even explain that in a way that makes sense.

- Jade. Like....everything she did was a big yikes and honestly I’m reading the main story again to see if there was a character trait that led to her behavior. Cuz Dirk literally always had an overbearing personality and it was never truly addressed leading to what happened. Jane never really stopped with the whole business and control thing and she never really seemed to care for the trolls one way or another so I can kinda see it.

- Honestly?? I’m happy for the form of happiness that some characters had but MAN was it just the slowest most excruciating march towards that end. In candy, it felt like I was literally feeling John’s twilight-zone stir-crazy rise up in me as I read through. I think a “benefit” from reading Meat first is that like.....damn I ended up agreeing with Dirk. Like all of this shit was largely avoided and addressed sooner when Dirk was in charge and I hate/love that I’m saying this! Like what the hell y’all that's so brilliant to me. In Meat, I just.....wanted them to be free to make their own choices and when I was nearing the end in Candy, I realized they weren’t so damn isolated and I was happy that some of them finally got to heal.

To segue into I liked it starts on the same point my dislikes end.

 - I felt so frustrated by everything that was happening which.....dear God is great writing because if I was John feeling this for years instead of the solid day it took me to get through Candy I’d be handling it way worse than John. I almost wished that Dirk would come in and take charge because they were just.....fucking up on every level. With Meat, I wanted what was in Candy and I wanted them to have their fucking free will to choose instead of these awful circumstances Dirk forced them to be in.

- DAVE. DAVE. DAVE. Fuck I love dave just so much, he felt the most home to me the entire time. When he fought back in Meat to make his own choices I was so proud of him. When he decided to join the revolution I was proud of him, when he finally admitted he was gay I was proud of him. When he just existed and seriously thought about what he wanted and needed to work through he felt like he authentically was trying to figure himself out the entire time in both Meat and Candy and I was so proud of him. Honestly will always have my heart.

- NUBS MCSHOUTY. From awkward bottom to rebel leader he is just a breath of fresh air every time he speaks because it is always a freaking mood. LIke yes, the extinction of your people is awful and you should say it. Yes, people who stand by and just sidetrack the conversation into semantics is awful and you should freaking say it. Yes! Yes! Yes! omfg. YOU ABSOLUTE FREAKING ICON

- Dirk. I.....ugh I know this is controversial but I love everything that happened. Our Dear walking God complex becomes literal God and it all goes to hell. Our friend the control freak, controlling the narrative when he reaches his ultimate form. Ou dear Dirk who always needs something to fix horribly fixes the narrative. When he revealed himself and said “but you already know that don’t you” in his iconic yellow text color me FREAKIN SHOOK. Like literary reveal of the gods (specifically this god ha). Nothing will shake me the same holy shit I was horrified and the horror never stopped. Omfg shook Dirk just freaking shook. So since I read meat first I was like “holy cow was he always like this?” But like, the one dirk that was decent freaking killed himself with his last wish being for relevance and like.....of course he’s like this?? It’s Hal, Caliborn, ARDirk, Brain Ghost Dirk and Dirk One who honestly was only half decent most of the time. All of these pretentious beings in one? Oh yea edge lord self masturbatory train dead ahead. AND I LOVED IT, the absolute fear and horror as he took the narrative back from Calliope was horrifying, his increasing disdain after the reveal, the moment he forced Jake to fuck everything up for the resistance was ICONIC oh my god I was so here. I was loving it so much I was scared I was being controlled by Dirk.

- Jake was always passive and like.....it manifested so bad. I mean I thought he stepped up when he finally, defeated the felt crew but like....of course, one battle isn’t going to solve a lifetime of posing and passivity. I don’t know why I never considered the horrible implications. I do wish he grew a full spine in one of the epilogues.

- Regardless of how I perceived her in canon, Epilogue!Jane was never painted as a hero ever. THANK GOD cuz Epilogue Jane is doing some really bad stuff.

- Roxy - our voidey babe exploring their gender identity and deciding in both that they don’t care for their assignment in some way, valid. Having all stages of their identity and the stages respected (in what I viewed as a great and fully addressed way as a cis black girl) is surprisingly refreshing when I look at Roxy alone and not the transphobic stuff Dirk was doing which was icky and Caliborn-ish.

- Rose and Kanaya being happy in Candy. Like it seemed so OOC but Rose also was literally dealing with something that ENTIRE TIME. When she was little it was the alcoholism of her mother, when she was in paradox space it was from horror demons to literal death, to life-threatening situations to being the seer she needed, to her own substance problem etc etc. Being non-essential freed her from that and we got to witness her still be the badass, freedom fighter she became. And I just love the thing she chose without needing to, without absolute necessity, was to raise their daughter AND fully immerse themselves in troll revolution against an oppressive regime. Fuck yes Rose, you deserve some fucking peace without debilitation or circumstance. Rose in Meat shall never be spoken of because that is so so so sad honestly. She was dying and like...Dirk took advantage of that which is tactically freaking genius considering Rose is usually who can pull these dorks together into action but damn Dirk.

- Fuck you know what I’m gonna say it. Dirk is the best villain holy shit he is honestly, truly smart and manipulative and somehow charming in this sick sick way God I hate/love him right now. I’m.....omfg still shook.

- I honestly just loved how intertwined it is, how twilight-zone/gritty it felt. Every literary craving I didn’t know I was having was fed and in the best/worst way. I’m hooked and here for wherever this is going. Also, I typed it above and I’ll type it again. I didn’t realize it but these kids, while they ascended as Gods were not heroes. I don’t think the kids really cared about their denizens much ever in canon. They fulfilled their mission and we handed them the hero stamp because we’ve followed their story. They are simply people who had a mission to fulfill and did that mission in whatever capacity you choose. They are ultimately really flawed human beings who were traumatized to hell and back with no real devices on how to deal with it properly. Of course, when you give flawed humans God powers, a world to rule over and nobody really holding anyone accountable bad things are bound to happen. They grew because they were in a situation where they had to and they were removed too soon for them to keep that growth. Fanfic or not, canon or not, essential or not, I think these are valid outcomes, within the context of who they are.

[bigtransmoods]

I just feel really invalid as a gay trans guy, I keep getting told stuff like it'd be easier if I stayed a female. And that no gay or bi guy would ever want me

Okay so... As a trans man who leans towards men, Im bisexual, let me just tell you... There are men out there who will accept you whether its cis or other trans men. Honestly I used to think no one would love me and since coming out Ive been with at least two males in the past two years, only because I tend to have longer lasting relationships with people normally.If anything sexuality has nothing to do with gender only because, you liking men will not change your mind in your transition, it wont make you any less likely to transition, it wont make you any different than any other trans guy. You are... VALID AS HELL and if you say otherwise I shall smite you with my sword of ultimate validity and worthiness and you shall feel the wrath of my true and unprecedented love and respect for all gay trans men. 

[peakblr]

rad asks: 3, 10, 16

ah hey!!!!!! thanks for asking 💕💐 sorry this took so long

3. Are there any parts of radical feminism, or beliefs commonly hold by radical feminists that you strongly disagree with?

im actually having a hard time answering this ahshskshdlska i wrote a really long rambly response but i ended up justifying what i was describing as disagreeing with LOL so like. idk no widely held radfem beliefs are coming to mind, sorry im just as disappointed as you are shdkshdlsjds i hope this doesnt sound sheepish or anything. So i’ll say what i do agree with, which won’t come as a surprise to anyone probably.

i’m anti porn, i think porn should be illegal, should not exist and all of it should be destroyed, pornstars should be given justice and compensated somehow for the govt allowing this shit, and all pornographers should be considered lower than dirt and killed publicly LOL. and i don’t feel bad about that, they don’t feel bad about filming rape and selling it, having the pornstars they abuse lie about how they love it when asked. i feel the same way abt prostitutes and their pimps, that paid consent is not consent and pimps can all drop dead.

i’m all for separatism, no it would not stop men from being men, but it would save women and girls a lot of grief, hurt and scarring.

i think gender isn’t real, is used to oppress women and helps no one, and that id rather it be abolished than exist to validate some people who like gender roles, ackshully.

ive been agnostic for a long time; my mom and my brother are atheists, my dad is a deist. but i will sooner believe that the creator of everything is female, having given birth to the universe than a male. A man’s involvement in creation is his ejaculation. No more, no less. life does not begin in the testicles, or you wouldnt see all this anti abortion stuff, you would see more anti male masturbation stuff–if it weren’t mostly about using women as incubators, lol. that being said i’m pro choice clearly.

i am anti surrogacy, for similar reasons. same sex couples should absolutely be allowed to adopt, but no one has the right to have a baby except the woman who can use her own uterus for her own baby. even with infertile women, there is no justification for paying another women to rent out her uterus.

i currently am not vegan but i admire the ideas behind it, and i see the similarities between how animals and women are treated. i do know however that those who are farming this produce are not necessarily treated well either. disclaimer i know literally jack shit about it so i can’t really speak much for it either way at this moment.

i know there are trans identified, detransitioned or reidentified females who don’t like words like “mutilation” to describe the surgeries they have had to remove their breasts or to alter their privates to mimic penises, and while i don’t insist on mutilation being the word used, i don’t see how it is inaccurate and i find it hard to talk about it in a positive light, less i be endorsing that women get these surgeries to ease their discomfort with their bodies. that being said i don’t want tifs or detransitioned/reidentified women to beat themselves up and constantly regret it. it is not their fault that they were made to be so disconnected from their bodies. they did not want that, and with the trans movement there were not a lot of people telling them that there are other ways besides transitioning to deal with these feelings. i don’t see how this can be hard to believe seeing as we call it the trans cult all the time, which is an accurate name by the way.

i like the alternative spellings of woman and women. womyn, wombyn, wimmin, womxn, a mon, wom or whatever it is. i don’t currently use them myself but i love them and i don’t care how “stupid” you think it is. you know whats stupid??? the words “trans woman,” “trans man,” and “nonbinary.” “Cis woman.” yeah ill take wombyn any day rather than agree that i “identify” as a woman for not subscribing to the transgender religion.

political lesbianism is shitty, i understand some straight women don’t wanna be celibate, but dating lesbians to stick it to the men and not because you love that lesbian is selfish i think. if youre bisexual then you are also not a lesbian but by all means be a febfem or just a bisexual who does not fuck with men.

prostitution will never be empowering. make up, nails, impractical clothes, revealing clothes is not empowering, having men think you are sexy or fuckable is not empowering. you are not “doing it for yourself.” “Poly” relationships are not empowering or woke, making yourself more accessable sexually to men is not empowering in the same way that it empowers men to have sex with multiple women.

idk ive been writing this for a million years but thats some things off the top of my head that i know i Do agree with, i know that wasnt the question but i still wanted to say something lol. i realize now this answered multiple questions from that ask post so im sorry if anyone else thought of asking those things that i answered LOL

10. What’s your relationship with the term “terf”?

ah! i do jokingly call myself that occasionally, you can see it right there on my about page. but in all seriousness it’s horseshit and goes to show how narcissistic the trans movement is. I see people, newly self described radfems who haven’t figured out what the point of it all is, who try to say “there’s a difference between terfs and radfems! You can be radfem and trans inclusive!” or whatever. To which I say, 

these are not two separate groups. Actual radfems are called trans exclusionary because they don’t think men who identify as women can be oppressed by women, and that having been born as a woman is not a privilege, regardless of how that woman identifies. 

radfems aren’t even trans exclusive, really. While there are many detransitioned, reidentified women, there are also many who have transitioned and intend to stay that way, or who are even transitioning currently for their own reasons and comfort, while still confronting their womanhood and how they have been affected or are effected by being a woman in our society as well as how transitioning is dangerous. it’s male exclusive more than anything, and rightfully so. any problems men have are created by other men, and as one user on here put it, feminism should not be “all lives matter.” 

i forgot to say this initially but being “trans inclusive” is interpreted by some to mean “trans endorsing,” that being trans is an innate thing just like homosexuality, that brain sex is real, and that there is nothing wrong with trans identified females getting surgeries they don’t need on perfectly healthy genitals, or getting hormones they otherwise wouldn’t naturally have that have life altering side effects. otherwise i would be called trans exclusive. LOL. so it really does not mean anything, ultimately.

16. How do you feel about the terms TIF/TIM?

i think they’re great. it says exactly what it means. it is much more appropriate than trans man or trans woman, and it makes it easier to talk about them with a little less word salad. the term trans man others tifs from females, and the term trans woman others tims from males. this is problematic. there is nothing differing tifs from females and tims from males outside of the fact that they are trans identified. the only differences they may have are if they have surgically and or hormonally transitioned, but it is not enough difference to make them the opposite sex, nor does it erase male or female socialization, and the benefits or consequences of being a man or a women, respectively. i worded this a lot better when i saved this draft last but tumblr seemingly ate it LOL so thats a drag. but yeah. tif/tim is great. i don’t think it should be offensive, there is nothing insulting or cruel about it. at best it is “invalidating.”

thank you for sending me these!!!! i’m sorry if my answers were unsatisfactory or hard to understand lmao i edited a lot of fluffy blabbering out of my responses believe it or not. i hope you’ve had a great day and that you’re having a lovely night 💌🌻😊