#i keep telling myself it'll be better later on in life but i'm so tired of acting like everything's fine

[singing-bones]

-

[ancientgoddessofegypt]

Vulnerability: Healing The Body One Day At A Time.

Sometimes I want to stay private. Other times I want to open up. Staying hidden had been a sanctuary at one point. Not sharing with the world my feelings and what damaged me. I got tired of feeling burdens in my body, so at the moment where can I start?

In this present moment, I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm depressed. I'm anxious. I'm worried. I'm exhausted. I'm hopeless. It seems the descriptions of lower feelings doesn't end. I've tried ignoring these feelings, replacing them with good thoughts. Trying to keep an optimistic smile, but that fake smile started to hurt.. And the mask began to wear off one day at a time.

It hurts to feel loneliness, but the truth is nothing can steal your joy but whatever dried up emotions are left infiltrating the mind with unwanted banter.

Its like... I can point out my flaws and my differences but I can't face the truth. I'm tired of truth. It's all I see everyday.

And what makes it funnier? I'm an oracle, and all I do is be 100% honest with people, but with me.... I lie so the triggers won't push too deep. I've ignored the villain that was imposter syndrome, and constantly took life too serious... Until life became a big circus show. And I'm the circus freak giving my performance.

Im annoyed, and constantly fighting tears. When I would cry and have those battles on the ground screaming 'I can't do it', it told me to get up and pick myself back up. You've grown up... you can't waddle your way out of this one.

I had no clue what I was doing, and before I still didn't, this new phase of adulthood I'm entering seems too much to handle but this where reality starts to hit. You're getting.., old. Older. More mature. Buying a house, getting a new car, even creating your own family. Life started to get a little practical... I thought I'd be a kid forever. But I was only talking about the imagination. Its fun being an adult, its so much freedom. It's just... I'm not built for whatever this reality is trying to show us, but I'm still trying. I'm still bringing forth change in my mindset, being more resilient. And allowing myself to be more than what my mind is constantly saying to me.

I've faced myself so much in 2023... Like.. the amount of times I had to look at myself in the mirror and could not escape. And sleeping with a mirror facing your bed don't make it no better, just makes you feel the emotions quicker (i got an interesting feeling when it comes to mirrors... portals man, portals).

I guess society has gotten its grip on the depressed gang, I've been working my way thru it. Theres absolutely no way in telling people that its easy to let go. Just something you learn to process on your journey. I'm learning both can be true at once. I'm learning to figure out what works, even if it takes a journey to reveal itself to me.

So how is this effecting my body... I get random body aches, I've had to make several hospital visits.. all of which there was no idea where the problem was truly stemming from. The doctor would prescribe me pills, they'd work for a while. Then later... the pain would come back again.

When our bodies are feeling pain especially in the organs, theres a spiritual connection that is making that happen. I use spiritual loosely here, what I mean is that our bodies can be carrying a lot of unwanted emotions. Be it rage, stress, depression, anything we don't want to feel but finds its way stuck in the body it'll start messing with your insides later on. When our spirits cannot rely the message, our bodies will for us.. for better or for worse.

I've found out I have health issues I didn't know existed.. I'm joking, well not really. I had no clue what galbladder disease was and def not anything with the gut. Even though I'd have random stomach aches here and there I never knew this would actually be an underlying problem. I didn't think I'd end up with a bunch of problems and it taking years to fix... Although I can be stubborn, I finally changed the way I ate.. it's been helping a bit.. I always did physical activity, but I noticed in my my present reality (3-6 months) its every other day out of the week. That's okay.

With accepting this truth I learned to be open to it because I started bawling.. I was losing weight like a mf and I had to drop all my clothes, still gotta do it now, or just get them tighten up. But its overwhelming.

I'm exhausted all of the time. My body is always on 'stop mode'. I can't work like the average woman because it gets me tired quicker. It kind of irks me because I want to do a little more but I just can't.

I feel as if I'm running out of time and I just don't know what to do. My subconscious is showing signs of paranoid thinking and I just can't see why I'm still running from my own reality.

its. just. too. much.

Im exhausted. And I've barely done anything.

I'm learning to feel my pain. Processing the very things that forced me into an uncomfortable matter.

It hurts to feel the feels of others dualities, but what do I do?

I gotta make amends with the shit I've dealt with, make use of them and take stride with whatever info comes up.

That's the secret. Pay attention to any fears, worries and anxious thoughts you could be picking up on because it's showing you a gate way to whats missing.

[linagram]

everyone's album covers, song previews and album trailer voicelines!

YESSSSSSSSSSSS I'M FINALLY DONE WITH ALL OF THEM *falls on the floor*

okay okay i'm actually kinda proud of myself?? :'D like i always prefer just. drawing characters even though i don't really avoid drawing backgrounds and i don't find drawing them that difficult but i rarely pay attention to things like. doors so yeah it's kinda cool that i've managed to come up with ten different door designs and draw them! even though most of them don't even look like doors. it's okay listen i just wanted to make them as weird as their mvs okay

(also about some prisoners having the symbols on their uhhh restraints and most of them not having them. well you see i just didn't have any energy left to draw them so i was like "it's fine i'll just draw the actual symbols later" and guess what. i didn't :) and i'm too tired to draw all of them so y-yeah. honestly maybe i'll change the symbols to something else like it takes way too much time to draw them and they're not even that close to the canon ones)

okay sorry for rambling, you can read everyone's song previews, titles (though you can see them on the covers, but still. or maybe you can't see them i'm sorry if the text is hard to read 😭) and album trailer voicelines under the cut! and also more of my rambling

Album trailer voicelines:

Akio: "DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!"

Aimi: "Don't you think that's kind of.. unprofessional?"

Shun: "I-Isn't it a good thing that I'm getting better?"

Naomi: "But in the end, I've simply decided to agree with you."

Kei: "It's time for your punishment, Eiji~"

Eiko: "It's like.. your life finally has a purpose."

Asahi: "I wanna go home, even if I don't have one anymore."

Yurika: "THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE!"

Riku: "Haha, trust me, I'm strong enough to do that."

Reina: "So, yeah, the show's over."

Song titles:

Akio: The King's Execution

Aimi: Mask of Kindness

Shun: Wrong Route

Naomi: Your Story

Kei: Web of Desire

Eiko: As Seen On TV

Asahi: 'Cause I Deserve It

Yurika: Bitter Aftertaste

Riku: Trendsetter

Reina: Death of the Author

Song previews:

Akio: "Come on, fight me, punch me, beat me to death,

Show me how you've really felt about me all this time

There's no one left to support me, no one left to call me "Your Majesty"

I guess it's time for me to admit my defeat" 

Aimi:

"Let's have as much fun as we can today, like this is the last day of our lives

I won't ask you to be careful, I know you won't listen to me anyway

Let's make these moments more colorful than ever before

Let's turn today into our best masterpiece"

Shun:

"I know that this is the best option, I don't even need a guide

"Real life"? What's that? Some kind of joke?

I know you will love me in every world and universe

Tell me I'm your everything, let me get the best ending"

Naomi:

"I can't believe I found out about this only now

Why didn't you tell me sooner? Why didn't anyone else tell me about this?

Your life was so short, but so full of pain

Does this mean that I've saved you from all that suffering?"

Kei:

"Congrats, you've fallen right into my trap

Make yourself comfortable, you're in for a long ride

Tying you up, choking and biting

Keep your eyes on me, take those rose-colored glasses off"

Eiko:

"Yay, she did it, good for her! What an icon, am I right?

Haha, thank you, thank you! Serves him right, I know

You've forgiven me, darling, so let me thank you properly

Tell me what you want, I will give you everything and more"

Asahi:

"Give me more, you know that it'll never be enough for me

You want me to repay you? That's funny

Why should you give me so much and get nothing in return?

It's obvious, 'cause I deserve it"

Yurika:

"Please, please, make my world sweet again

This world is so cold, so bitter, if I take a bite, I'll get poisoned for sure

Hey, hey, what are you saying? You want more sugar as well?

Sure, anything for my master! But you're not her, so get out."

Riku:

"Now, listen, I don't like to do this

I'm not the type to abuse my power

But looks like it's time for you to get what you deserve

So get him, everyone, I'll pat you on the head later"

Reina:

"What about my crime? What about my sins?

Well, why don't you figure it out yourself?

I'll let you decide, I'll let you write my story

Aren't you the one who's supposed to judge us anyway?"

Random facts about everyone's song titles, lyrics and doors (spoiler-free. mostly):

The silhouettes from Akio's T1 MV are back!

If you've read Aimi's T1 MV description, you probably already went "Wait, is her song title a reference to that mask from her video?" and you are correct!

Shun's song title is kinda supposed to be a pun? Basically it's a reference to dating sims, character routes and all that stuff, but it's also supposed to mean taking a wrong path in life or something like that.

Naomi's song title was the hardest one to come up with and it turned out to be the most boring one. I am so sorry.

I actually wouldn't say that Asahi's door shows his MV that well, since his video will actually have mostly white and green colors, but I thought that a door like that would look boring, so yeah, I made it more colorful!

"Why is Yurika's door like that?" Oh, don't worry, compared to Asahi's door, Yurika's door shows her MV perfectly fine <3

Riku's door. Riku's door made me go through so much pain, IT WAS THE LAST DOOR I CAME UP WITH. I LITERALLY HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DRAW. Not even because I dislike his MV, it's just that his MV has this motif that's. Very hard to show as a door. Like all ideas I had just sounded stupid so I decided to go with something like this instead. Also I still hate drawing chains and I used a brush instead.

Yes, Naomi's door just. Looks like a diary. BUT I TRIED TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A DOOR OKAY I TRIED

Reina's door having a more "actor-like" motif probably doesn't make much sense because of the song title, but trust me, it does. And yes, her song title is based on the trope of the same name.

Aimi's song lyrics kinda sound like a sequel to her T1 song though i guess her t2 song can be called that here, but the rest of the lyrics sound more different. And yes, there will be more of their song lyrics in the MV descriptions this time >:)

Kei's song lyrics are actually supposed to be much more sad this time and even the chorus will sound differently in the end.

Reina, please, stop breaking the fourth wall, you're becoming way too powerful.

[idabbleincrazy]

Never a Wish Better Than This Ch. 5

Fandom: Smallville

Rating: E

Pairing: Clex

Word Count: 5177

Warnings: smut, porn with feelings, banter, foreplay, bottom!Lex, needy Lex, anal fingering, anal, emotional smut, coming untouched, vaguely implied past Lex/Bruce

Summary: Lex finally gives Clark the best gift he could ever give him: himself

A/N: yay! smut!! should be at least one more chapter for to wrap this story up before heading on to episode rewrites.

Clark's POV:

"So, we're not done for the - Spaceboy?!"

Oh, I want to bite that smirk off his lips.

"What, too soon?" Lex was looking way too smug for someone who came like a geyser after only a couple minutes with my tongue up his ass. He heaved a dramatic sigh. "Fine. Compromise. You're only Spaceboy in the bedroom; everywhere else, you're Farmboy. Although…maybe someday I'll catch you wearing a cowboy hat…then I'll just start playing Steve Miller."

"You are such a dork."

"A dork I may be, but I'm your dork now."

That catches my breath in my throat. I clutch him closer, loving the way his hardening cock twitches against my hip.

"Are you, Lex? Are you mine?"

I bite back the groan of complaint as his hand releases my dick, but keep my gaze locked on his face as he slides the hand into my hair, his lips hovering over mine as he stretches up towards me.

"I think I've been yours since you breathed life back into me, Clark."

"I'm yours, too, you know. Probably since that night in the field. You saved me that night, more than you know." I want to tell him about Lana's necklace, about the green Kryptonite, but it's not later yet, and it'll take too long, raise too many questions that'll take us rambling down so many paths. He promised me more, more sights and sounds and tastes and…more. And I want that more than I want to relieve my burden of secrets. So, I close the distance between our lips instead, kissing him bruisingly, if fleetingly. "I'll always be yours, Lex."

A growl of hungry approval from him, and his hand is back on my cock, fingers wrapped around the shaft and roughly jerking me back to hardness. His head tilts to the side, dipping, and my eyes flutter shut as I feel him try his hardest to suck a hickey into my invulnerable skin.

"Christ, Lex, feels good. Wish I could carry your mark on me."

I let my hands wander over his pale, smooth, flawless flesh as he works me between hand and mouth, slowly driving me insane all over again. One hand slips down over the curve of his ass, and I squeeze at the handful of firm, muscled Luthor-buttcheek, nudging him up against me to feel that hard cock press harder into me. God, I love the sounds he makes.

"I…oh, yeah,...I believe you said something about showing me more?"

Lex breaks away, panting, his eyes dark once more. Lex aroused is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my short life, and it's a sight I'll never grow tired of.

"Honestly, Clark, after what you've shown me, I'm not exactly certain what you haven't seen. How much have you done before, Clark?"

I knew that the talk of experience, or lack of it, would come up at some point; I'd just hoped it wouldn't be now. I'd hoped to have more time before explaining the Red K Summer of Kent. 

Nudging him back a bit, I sat up against the headboard, looking away from him when his gaze turned curious.

"I…remember that whole thing with Edge and that summer I spent in Metropolis, while you were missing?" A slow nod from him. "Well, I wasn't exactly myself."

"In the hazy memories, he called you Kal."

"Yeah, well…Kal - he's, he's me, without restraint. Without all the worries about right or wrong, without guilt or fear. Kal cared about Kal, about doing what felt good, without caring about anyone else."

"Like, your id?"

Lex sat up beside me, pressing himself against my side. There was a flash of concern across his face, and it warmed me that he cared, and that he wasn't bombarding me with questions about why, if I had been doing drugs, all the questions I'd had to field from Chloe and Lana when I came back.

"I guess…he was me, just, freer. I ran away 'cause I couldn't deal with causing mom to miscarry - long story", and, of course his eyes are full of questions now, "tomorrow, I promise. I didn't want the guilt and the pain, so I let Kal out.

"I've had feelings for you for so long, Lex. And, Kal, he let my curiosity take over. I experimented in Metropolis, realized I was definitely bisexual. Those clubs were full of beautiful men and women, and so many of them were willing to follow me along, no questions."

"They'd have to be blind to refuse you on your best behavior, Clark, I doubt anyone would stand a chance against an uninhibited Clark Kent. But, that doesn't exactly answer my original question…how far have you gone in your experimentations?"

I didn't think I was still capable of blushing at this point, but apparently, I was wrong.

"I've kissed, I've groped, I've gotten head, from men and women - but never anything as good as what you just did," that earned me another appearance of the smug smirk. "I've given blow-jobs, gone down on girls, fingered a few - vaginally and…anally. That's about it. Even then, I didn't want to go further than that. I've never gone all the way with anyone, male or female."

Lex looks surprised, pleasantly so.

"So, that was the first time you've ever rimmed someone?" I nod my head, letting him get the questions out that I know are brewing. "And no one ever did that for you? How?"

"I've watched a lot of porn over the past few years."

Lex let out a small laugh.

"Think what you'd be like with a skilled instructor, then. Christ, Clark. Fooled around but still technically a virgin, huh? Not even Alicia? I mean, honeymoon in Vegas…"

"Not even then. Almost, but that was mostly Kal, too, and I snapped out of it before…and it just didn't feel right. Not like it feels now. I guess, Kal or Clark, I just always wanted it to be you. I loved Lana, I loved Alicia, and they'll have a part of my heart forever, but they're not you."

Oh, it's been a long time since I've seen that look of wonder on his face, maybe since I stopped him from being run over by Morgan Edge's car. I don't get much time to soak it in before his mouth is on mine again, his lithe body sprawled halfway across mine as his tongue delves deep. 

"So…still want me, then? Not turned off by my sordid past?"

"I wasn't asking you to judge you, Clark. I was genuinely curious, needed to know how slow, how careful, I needed to take this." Lex is pressing soft kisses to my throat now, the words whispered against my skin. "And you could never turn me off, Clark; I've had my own wild years, my own sexual experiments. It's almost a rite of passage in my world. I was just so thrown by what we've done so far, and, I'll admit, kinda jealous."

"Really? I made you jealous?" 

"Yes, Clark. I'm quite often jealous with you, or maybe you haven't realized I have a tendency towards obsession when it comes to you? The thought of someone teaching you that…just, don't point out anyone you might recognize from that summer if we ever do the Metropolis club scene together."

"I'll keep that in mind. And you have nothing to be jealous of, Lex, none of them compare to you." 

My hands are rubbing up and down his back, each sweep down bringing my fingers back down to the firm cheeks of his ass. Lex's brushing kisses haven't stopped even through the talking and petting, his mouth slowly traveling down my neck and across my collarbone. I let my head fall back against the headboard, just enjoying the feeling of his lips and tongue on my skin, the slick trail his hard cock is leaving along my hip as he shifts to reach across me. On a downstroke, I let the fingers of one hand trail between the cleft of his ass, the tip of one digit glancing lightly over the puckered skin I'd focused so much eager attention on earlier. Apparently, that particular bit of skin is a definite trigger for Lex.

Lex's POV:

I feel the slightest pressure there, a tease of air more than anything, really, and a jolt of arousal courses through me, resharpening my focus from the indolent foreplay I've been engaging in. With a moan I can't contain, I straddle Clark, my attention shifting from the slow build up and idle, if informational, chatter. Our cocks brush against each other and Clark lets out a hiss at the contact, bucking up even as his hands clasp around my waist, tugging me down, grinding us closer together. 

"Enough talk", I manage to gasp out, "time for that more I promised you."

He lets out a groan of agreement. 

"Yeah, good plan. Show me, Lex, show me everything."

And I plan to. Mostly. I may have rebounded quickly from the first orgasm, but at twenty-five I'm not sure I've got more than one more round in me tonight. There's still time left in the day to give him one last present…

"Gonna worship you, Clark, like you deserve." I shimmy back a bit, straddling the breadth of his thighs now, and dip my head down to lick over his skin, tasting the sunshine and slight salt tang of his flesh, trailing my tongue down to one pebbling, dusky-brown nipple. He arches into the touch and I have to mumble around the pert nub as one hand slides up to cradle my head, oh so gentle, keeping me from moving too far. "Dreamt of this for years, baby, tasting you, feeling you, beneath me, above me, around me…in me."

His breath hitches at that, and I smirk around his nipple, knowing I've just thrown him for a loop. No one would ever dare to presume a Luthor would bottom, ever. And, typically, I don't, haven't for years. Too much control given over in that act, too much trust. But I don't want complete control here, want us, if nowhere else, to be equals here; he's trusted me, finally, with his secrets, and I need to give that trust in return, starting with this.

"Lex, God, you sure? We don't have to-"

"I'm sure, Clark. It's what I want, what I've wanted for so long." I can feel him tensing slightly beneath me, and I can't have that, so I push back against his hand; I know it's only with his allowance I'm able to pull back, his hand sliding down to the juncture of my shoulder as I meet his gaze. "This isn't just a fuck, Clark. There'll be no diamond cufflinks waiting on the dresser in the morning, no parting gifts. I love you, and I want this."

"I don't wanna hurt you, Lex. My strength…if I lose control…"

"You won't hurt me, Clark. Not more than I can take, anyways, and nothing permanent. Hell, I don't think you could bring yourself to cause me real physical pain even if I asked you to. You can let go a little with me, I bounce back quicker than most." 

"Have you ever…y'know, bottomed?" Aww, shy Clark is back, that blush I'll never grow tired of infusing his tan skin. And, wow, that blush travels further than I thought it could.

"Yeah. But it's been years. I haven't wanted to with anyone in a long time. The guys I've been with for the past few years, I didn't feel anything more than passing lust for them. This is so much more than just lust. Until you, I didn't think I'd ever want to bottom again. I want you in every way, Clark, starting with this."

There's a brief pause and then a nod, his body relaxing under me again as his fear abates. I smile down at him, losing myself in those bright, green eyes until his cock twitches against my stomach, pulling me back to the moment. 

"Okay, but...I mean, I know the mechanics of it, Lex, but…I don't…what if I'm not…not good, or-"

"I'll guide you, Clark. And, trust me, baby, if earlier was anything to go by, you'll be better than perfect." God, sex-god and tender virgin rolled into one, and mine, here, in the bed I insisted on setting up personally. I'm torn between worshiping this exquisite creature further and just impaling myself on his cock with just the brief stretching his tongue provided to ease the way. My cock aches at the thought of the pleasurable burn Clark's thick length will bring, swaying me closer towards just getting on to the main event. His face is so open right now, lust and love and confidence and uncertainty all clear in his wide eyes and small smile. "Christ, don't look at me like that, or I'll cum again before you're even in me."

"Wouldn't want that, would we?"

This boy's gonna give me whiplash. 

"No, we certainly wouldn't, Clark."

Abandoning my plan to taste and tease every considerable inch of his body, I roll off of Clark, stretching out in the empty space beside him, smirking at the noise of confusion he makes. 

"Want you on top of me, baby. Been too long since I've had anything close to as big as you in me for me to ride you just yet, and I wanna see your face when you fuck me."

Clark rolls to his side, his hand cupping my face like he's holding a wounded bird, eyes dark and serious.

"Not fuck, remember? Making love."

Making love", I assent, turning to press a kiss into his palm. "Gonna need lube…am I right in assuming condoms won't be necessary? I haven't gotten sick since I lost my hair."

"I don't get sick, ever."

"Good. Wanna feel you, just you." I let out a groan as his hand slides down my body to grasp my cock. There's a cheeky grin on his face as he jerks me, exquisitely slow. "Lube, Clark…bedside table…bottom drawer."

I bite back the whimper of loss as he rolls away, off the bed. 

"Jeez, Lex! Just in case you need it. Be safe, have fun, don't do anything I wouldn't do. Lex." His brow is raised as he waves the sheet of stationary at me. "That doesn't leave much out, now does it? Would you have really just let me bring girls up here to sleep with? Or guys?"

"I wouldn't have wanted to know about it, but I really do want this to be your own private place away from everything, Clark. And, I figured it would have been better for you to be prepared, if you ever brought Lana, or someone, over. I'd do anything for you, Clark, and anything necessary to protect you, even against yourself, haven't you figured that out yet?"

"Think I'm getting the picture." He looked back into the drawer, a nervous chuckle falling from his lips. "God, how many kinds of lube do they make? And, good guess on the condom size."

"Looking at you now, in all your glory, I think they might've ended up a bit tight." I should've grabbed the lube myself, and avoided all this time-wasting chatter. "I'll introduce you to the varied world of flavored lube later, Clark, just grab the blue bottle and get back up here. Need you, now."

As Clark complies, I shift on the bed, glad I picked a mattress nearly as grand as my own, spreading my legs wide enough for him to settle between when he climbs back up. I feel the heat of his gaze as he looks over my body, eyes falling shut for a moment after he reaches the point between my thighs. Maybe that heat wasn't just imagined, and I'll have to remember to ask him the full extent of his powers after I see a flicker of something in his eyes when they open again. 

I grab the bottle from him, pleased to see he's unwrapped it in that special speed of his, and take his hand in mine. Deftly popping the lid with my thumb, I pour a sizable amount of lube over his fingers. I know it's gonna be a four-finger kinda job to get me even nearly ready for his girth, and I feel myself clench in aroused anticipation as he rubs his fingers together to warm the slick gel.

"Please."

His clean hand soothes along my inner thigh as he trails sticky fingers down over my balls, along my perineum. His eyes snap back up to mine as I let out a hushed gasp at the feel of a digit circling around my rim. That seducer look is back on his face, a fallen angel seeking pleasure from a corrupt humanity, lips parted with panting breaths as a finger nudges against me.

"Open up for me, Lex. Let me in."

And I do. I stretch my legs further apart, forcing my muscles to relax and allow the almost foreign intrusion. And, oh, God, so good. Just knowing it's him, his finger slipping inside me so gently, instead of my own, instead of one of the faceless women I'd allowed to tease back there as I pictured his face behind closed eyelids. I arch my head back against the pillow, eyes closing, just enjoying the feel of Clark's index finger easing in and out of me. Already not enough.

"More, baby."

He groans and on the next push in I feel the slight burn of stretching muscle. I bear my hips down, taking the two thick fingers into me faster than he was willing. Need his cock soon, can't stand the wait as he exacts such tortuous care and diligence. Wonder if mind-reading is one of his abilities as a third soon pushes past the clenching ring of muscle; more delicious stretchburnpaineuphoria, deeper now, as space is made within, tip of a finger glancing over my prostate, needle-sharp pleasure bolting up my spine.

"Oh, God, Clark!"

Have to clamp a hand around my cock, squeeze until the overwhelming need to cum subsides. Teasing lick of tongue over the weeping head prolonging my fight to regain control. 

"Fuck, you're evil."

"Couldn't help it, Lex. Needed to taste you again. Jesus. You're just so fucking beautiful, baby; love you like this best, I think. Won't know for sure till I'm in you, till you're cumming on my cock." A desperate whine fills my ears, I think it came from me. His fingers are still pumping steadily into me, tugging at the rim briefly before plunging back in. "Do you need more, Lex? Is three enough? Don't…can't hurt you, baby."

"You won't. One more…I can take it…one more, and spread them a bit. And then I want you in me."

There's a moment of resistance as his pinky tries to join the others, and I will myself to relax further, pushing down against his hand, glad that Clark is quick on the uptake as he stills and lets me take the digit in on my own. One huge hand on my thigh, spreading me as open as I can go in this position, his gaze drifting back down to where he's stretching me, a low growl of hunger falling from his lips.

"God, I'm so tempted just to eat you out again, Lex. Have you cum on just my tongue again."

That does it. Control, meet window. Can't stop the stream of babble from flowing, hips working against his fingers as he slows his thrusts.

"Jesus fucking Christ, now! Now, Clark, in me…evil little shit, fuck me! Need you, baby…make love to me."

"Yeah. Shit, yeah. I've got you, Lex."

Pathetically needy sound I didn't even know I was capable of making escapes at the loss of his fingers, feeling empty and hollow as his hands tug my legs up, pushing trembling limbs up towards my chest, breathless command to hold them there forcing my own hands into action. Twitch of my cock against my stomach at the sound of lube slicking skin, snick of a cap and thud of the bottle landing somewhere on the floor. 

Blunt pressure against my loosened hole makes me hiccup a breath, and above me, his face is so young again, so innocent as he teeters on this cusp of adulthood. I feel like a teenager again, fifteen and in the arms of the classmate I once thought I'd love forever. For a millisecond, sapphire replaces emerald as my eyes blur with unbidden tears, broad body hovering still over me. Thumb brushes away the tear that escapes, and I blink away the rest. The other disappears, Clark remains. Salt on my tongue as that thumb brushes over my parted lips, his head dipping down to press a benediction of a kiss to my forehead.

"Where'd you go, baby?"

Shake of head, voice thick with time as I answer.

"Doesn't matter. It's the past. I'm here, right here, with my future."

"I love you, Lex."

"Show me." 

A smile gracing his pouty mouth as he braces his hands on either side of my head, and pushes forward.

"Slow", I utter the warning as the head of his cock breaches me, stretching me beyond the girth of his preparation. He heeded, easing himself into me just an inch before stilling, his breath fanning across my face in harsh puffs. Just seven or so more to go. God. "More, Clark, don't stop. Just slow. Till you're all the way in me, 'kay?"

"Yeah. God…so tight, Lex. Lemme know…if I hurt…hurt you."

"It's a good hurt, baby. The best hurt."

He moaned and slid in further, his substantial girth consistently gliding into me on the copious amount of lube. And, God, was I glad I made him use four fingers. There was no doubt I'd still feel this in the morning. 

In and in and in, until I felt him, thighs flush against mine. I let my hands slide from where I was gripping at my legs, to grip even tighter at his back, nails digging into undamageable skin for purchase as he bottomed out, panting for breath as my body fought to adjust to such unbelievable fullness. He held himself over me, his face swimming into focus as I forced my eyes open. When had they closed? 

"Baby? Lex? Did I hurt you? God…ohhh…te-tell me I didn't hurt you."

"Never, Clark. You could never hurt me. Not like this. Feels…Jesus…so good, baby. So full. Never…ahh…never felt like this before. It's never felt so right. Perfect." As I became used to the stretch and the burn abated, I moved testingly, my legs wrapping around his waist. The change in position pulled him in impossibly further. "Ohhh! Oh, God, move, Clark…need you to move!"

"Yesss."

His lips closed the small distance between us to capture mine in a scorching kiss as he pumped his hips, my groan muffled by his mouth. He kept his pace slow, and I knew it was just as much a sign of his care as anything. Keeping slow so as not to lose control over his strength. 

He could have torn me to shreds for all I would have noticed, my brain simply a running loop of in me, Clark Kent is inside me. Lord knows what kind of noises I was emitting as he drove me to the brink of combustion, every ounce of my remaining willpower directed on holding back the threatening orgasm, needing this to last as long as possible; eternity would make a good start. 

His voice filtered in through the haze of arousal, bringing me back to the surface.

"Love you, Lex. God, love you. So beautiful, so perfect. Knew you would be, baby. Oh, fuck, love the way your ass feels…so tight. So good. Shit, makes me want to lose myself in you, just let go. Can't…mmmh…need…"

"Do it, Clark. Let go for me. I can take it." I wanted to feel him, his glory, unrestrained, free. "I don't break easy, baby. Give me everything."

Clark shifts with a growl and quickens his pace, the angle thudding the head of his cock into my prostate on every thrust. He shuffles closer, bending me nearly in half, his mouth clamping down on mine, tongue leaving nothing unexplored as he smothers my cries of pleasure. My cock aches, trapped between us, riding the ridges of his abs as he rides into me endlessly. I wish I could match his stamina. Turn my head to the side for a breath, pressing hot kisses to his throat and shoulder as I clutch him closer, heels digging into the round globes of his ass. 

"Fuck, Clark…not gonna last. Gotta cum, baby. Shit, Clark, fuck me harder. Wanna feel you…feel you cum, filling me up. Oh, God, harder, make me cum."

Short burst of speed, barrage of thrusts abusing my prostate, his breath loud and hot in my ear as he enfolds me in his arms, lifting me up. Tendons strain as he holds me close to him in an angle that should be impossible, arms and legs wrapped around him like a baby koala, and I should be embarrassed at my desperate clinging, but I'm beyond caring about anything other than the feel of his dick hammering into me and my own swollen length striving for release. 

"Cum for me, Lex", he whispers in my ear, voice rough and deep, a man's voice now. "God, baby, lemme feel you cum."

The most unhinged, animal sound rips through me at the command, and I stiffen, muscles clenching around him so hard it would have hurt anyone else. Wet splashes between us, sticking us together, cock spurting thick bullets of cum as he fucks me through my release. 

"Shit. Oh, shit! Fuck, so beautiful when you cum, Lex…so beautiful. So fucking tight around my cock, so perfect. Christ! Gonna cum, baby. Gonna fill you up. Love you so much, Lex."

Wordless moan of discordant syllables uttered into his flesh as I fight for the coherence to echo his sentiment. Hips still pistoning in and out of me as he tries to make it last, but even his stamina must come to a plateau at some point. With muscles turning quickly to putty in his encompassing embrace, I clench around him once more, finding my voice at last.

"Give it to me, Clark."

A broken groan sounds and he pumps into me one last time, cum hotter than I've felt before spilling into me, filling me well past full to where I can feel it leaking back out and down my thighs as his climax stretches out into forever. Incongruously gentle kisses press to the side of my face, my temple, my scalp, as still he cums. 

I lift my head from his shoulder, into the rain of kisses, and see the ceiling much closer than it should be. Clutch tighter on instinct, fear of heights, a small itch at the back of my brain.

"Uh, Clark?"

"Mmmh?" 

"Are-are we floating?"

Spill of seed tapers off as my question brings him back to clarity. 

"Shit!" 

Lurch of stomach as he rolls me over in a burst of inhuman speed before we land with a heavy thunk on the bed, wooden frame creaking in offense. And he's still in me.

Absurdity strikes and manic laughter rings in the air before I can rein it in. He's looking up at me more than a little dazed and confused, and utterly debauched, and I lean down to capture his mouth in a sloppy kiss before untangling my limbs from around him and sitting up. The movement jostles his still half-hard cock within me, and I hope he doesn't catch the fleeting wince as the girthy length twitches. I know I'm grinning like a loon, jaw threatening to crack at how wide my lips are spread. 

Clark Kent loves me. Clark Kent made love to me. Clark Kent is an alien from a planet that no longer exists, and can survive car crashes, bullets, crazed mutated humans, can lift at least my hundred and eighty pounds like it's nothing, can move faster than the eye can see. Oh, and floats. And fucks like Zeus on steroids.

"Um, Lex, you okay?"

"Peachy." I hiccup a laugh, trying to hold back the return of mania. "You?"

"I think I've cum most of my brains out, but other than that…amazing. Are you sure you're okay? You seem a little…I don't know…shellshocked?"

"Just a little reality catching up." I break the concerned gaze he has trained on me and glance at the clock; 11:59. "Happy birthday, Clark. So…floating?"

Oh, that fucking blush again. If I weren't so wrung out from two rounds in as many hours, I'd probably be hard again just from that. And my cock does make a valiant effort, twitching feebly against Clark's stomach.

"Yeah…it usually only happens when I'm asleep, when I dream."

"Naughty dreams?"

"Uh-huh."

"Huh, hormone-based powers. That must've made puberty fun. But, we'll save the in-depth scientific analyzing for tomorrow. Wanna bask."

Reluctantly, I ease myself off his cock, still somewhat jelly-legged, and slide off him to the side. Immediately, his arm slips under me, tugging me close against his side. Rallying strength, I toss my arm over his waist, heedless of the mixture of cum and sweat sticking to the golden skin.

"I never thought sex could be like that, Lex. So perfect, so mind-blowing."

"It's never been quite that spectacular for me either, Clark. Think it's the fact that it's you. That it's love, along with the lust. That, I think, makes all the difference."

"Whatever the reason, I'm glad tonight happened. All of it." He lets loose a jaw-cracking yawn.

"Sleepy?"

"Yeah. You wore me out, stud."

Undignified snort followed by a groan of bone-deep exhaustion, the night's activities taking their toll at last. 

"The day I wear you out will be the day my father cuts his mortal thread."

"Please, don't mention your father in bed ever again." Well, that made his erection wilt. At least I know I won't have to worry about him pulling a Victoria. "No mentioning of any parents at all when we're naked."

"Duly noted."

I yawn into his shoulder and before my mouth even closes, he's maneuvered us beneath the plush covers, the lights extinguished. His cum is still dripping from my used hole, and I feel slightly empty without his girth stretching me, but I'm just too damn comfortable like this to bother an attempt at a clean up. Sheets can be changed, muscles will retract back into place. His warmth surrounding me is all I really need right now.

"So, tell me, Clark," I voice one last curiosity before I allow slumber to claim me. "When you blew out the candles, what did you wish for?"

If it's at all within my power, I'll make it come true.

"This, Lex. I wished for this."

*****

@leatafandom

[webbedphantom]

... I think I'm depressed again-

And because of that, I kinda want to ramble/vent about things. But since I don't wanna be a nuisance, I'm gonna just leave it under here for anyone who wants to read it.

Maybe it's just because of how hectic things have been lately, and how I missed my therapy appointment this week, but I'm just... constantly tired, even now that I'm starting to feel better from whatever I had a few days ago. And today I've just had that constant feeling of just... not knowing what to do, so I don't do anything. And when I do find something to do, I lose interest moments later.

Like I've tried to write replies, but then I'll hit a snag, or be unsure which reply to write, or think it's pointless because if they reply back, I won't be able to keep it going because I can't trim things without my computer... which I can't set up because my desk is still in storage, with no way to get it here without a truck, and nothing I can use as a temporary desk in the meantime.

And this goes on and on with a bunch of stuff, games I want to play, stuff I borrowed from the library, there's always something that gets in the way that keeps me from really sitting down and enjoying myself.

I hate feeling like this, and I hate even more that I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it, because when I'm depressed, I isolate myself, which makes it harder to reach out because I don't want to bother anyone. And I sure as hell can't go to any of my "family" about it, as lately I've been feeling like the term has no meaning, as most of mine just use that shared blood as an excuse to get things from you.

Which is kinda why I'm even making this. I don't typically do this, I don't like putting my personal problems out in public like this. But I don't really know how else to deal with these feelings, because I really don't wanna bother anyone, even though I know all of the people I'd usually tell this stuff to would be okay with it.

I'm not really sure what to do... My next therapy appointment is on Wednesday, but I go back to work on Tuesday, which kinda makes me anxious, especially since the person who hired me got transferred, so I have no idea what to expect anymore.

And on top of that, I just don't know what to do with myself in the meantime. I don't really have the energy to use any of my normal coping skills, and the few that I do haven't been working, so I'm just... lost.

Best I can think to do is reach out to my case manager and see if he can help me work through this, but... I'm not particularly hopeful about that. Still, it's all I got, and I did need to meet with him anyway, so I just gotta hope things work out.

I'll get through this. I always do. Doesn't mean it'll be easy, but... life is never really easy, is it?

[diariesofadepressedartist]

Day 1 yes this is a vent blog

everyday just seems a little more difficult. just that little bit more of stress. just that little bit more of... everything feeling like its crashing down on me. but I yearn to scream it to everyone around me so I know I'm not alone despite how very alone I feel. alone in my friend groups. always the one going out of my way to make sure my friends are ok always being happy so they can be happy.

It's not fair.

but life isn't fair is it?

I desperately want to talk to my friends but my voice falls on deaf ears as their chatter grows louder and my voice dies away.

I crave one on one connection with my best friend but the friendship doesn't feel the same anymore. it hasn't since I grew up faster. I didn't want to.

I wanted to stay bright and bubbly a conversationalist with fantastical ideas that helped me and my friend to escape the hardship of our everyday life but....

it gets harder and harder to keep up a thought and I can never remember anything we talk about though I desperately try.

they tell me they are used to me forgetting that its not important.

but forgetting is just me losing time I spent with someone who is found family. it feels like a slap to my face every time I'm reminded of when I forget.

I've grown tired of being reminded of how useless I am when it comes to remembering anything.

so tired that thats even used against me. my own mental and physical exhaustion thrown at me. we're used to you always falling asleep. we're used to you not remembering.

I'm not perfect even though I try so hard to be and I try so hard to be better I try desperately to write everything down to try and commit everything to memory but the more I try to force myself to remember the more I fear I forget.

I am a bad friend but I'm trying so hard to be better because I so desperately want to be a good friend that people can rely on. I force myself to stay up later to pull all nighters. If I sleep I'll just hear again how thats what I do. I force myself to write everything every word every interaction every moment.

It makes me feel so pushed out of the friendship when I get tired. "uh oh someone's tired. go to bed. if you don't now you'll just fall asleep around us. just go to bed already." even when I'm not tired even if I just yawn because my body is forcing me to take more oxygen in immediately told I should go to bed and bombarded with it even when I really am not tired on rare occasions.

I can't sleep. I won't sleep.

but that hasn't fixed the feeling I feel inside. I still feel alone when I can now stay awake longer than my friends.

just for them all go to sleep without the same level of being told to go as I have previously been told to do. why am I treated different?

I have two separate groups of friends that I enjoy talking to outside of my closest friends.

in one I am the shadow friend, always happy. always reserved. always the wallflower because I'm scared. I'm scared to be vulnerable. I'm scared to say I'm tired or to say I'm sorry that I forgot.

I'm scared to do more than laugh a small amount. the one I really look up to because they are unapologetically themselves I can barely talk to without my nerves forever twisting into anxiety of how we only know each other because of mutual friends. I want to be friends.

I want to talk to them more and past simple pleasantries but all I can muster most days is "how are you"

I worry that if I don't control how much I talk if I do start to talk that it'll be met with annoyance.

I can barely interact with their social media without feeling like an annoyance.

and I know I know its probably just my anxiety and me assuming bad things will happen and that my depression and overthinking are getting the best of me. I know it is. I'm too self aware of my issues that I don't even know if I can attempt to break this self sabotaging habit.

my second friend group I mentioned. well I don't talk much there because though a very safe space I feel I wore out my welcome and I've started to isolate from them and they haven't even questioned why I'm not around or reached out to check on me.

actually now that I think about it.

out of everyone I know.

only one person reaches out to me and its been my best friend who throws my tiredness and memory problems at me. She's reached out to me and I reach out to her when i can because my fear and feelings are still screaming at me from the deep recesses of my mind.

family... people say you can go to your family for anything.

not in this case. and thats all I'll say.

things are too broken to even attempt to make sense of it.

when these voices get to loud...

I paint.

the flow of the pigment on canvas. the scent of my mix in mediums. the images I can create when words fail me.

they all scream for help. every image regardless of how happy the image seems. behind every stroke of my brush, dot of my pen, line of graphite. every motion and explicable detail is a cry for help. a cry for acceptance and reassurance. a cry from a broken heart.

but the image itself gains a different reaction if anyone sees it.

"you're so talented"

no. I'm depressed.

"can you draw me you're amazing"

no.

"will you ever open commissions?"

no. I feel vile asking for money for my art.

my work is not worth money

my work is my therapy

my therapy that no one understands or sees because all they want to see is the subject, the pigments, the flow the unity.

no one wants to see the process for the process is maddening and anger inducing.

if art makes you angry why create

it silences everything in my head and has me focus on the singular moment

not the bills that are due. not the failed relationships of family, partners and friends. not an actual job that I go to every day.

just me and my painting

[lyaenidae]

The best first date

It was only the next day and Kenta could only think of one thing, that whole day... He wanted to ask Miki on a proper date. Something they'd never had, back then. He didn't hesitate for too long.

"Hey Miki, it's-" "I know who it is, Ken, I've been wanting to call you all day ! How are you ? The aftermath of the fire, all that ?" "I'm good. See I was thinking, maybe we could get together, tonight or tomorrow ? I'd love to go check out that restaurant in the city centre, I was wondering if you wanted to come with me ?"

"Oh I'd love to ! Dinner and a movie ? There's a movie theatre not far from there, and there's a horror movie I've been meaning to go to, but I'm too scared to actually go on my own..." "That's a date then ! Tomorrow night ?" "Sounds good ! And Ken ?" "Yes ?" "Thank you for calling."

The next day, Kenta came home from work really tired, but having just gotten word of a promotion ! He's happy, exhausted, and goes straight for a shower and chugs two cups of coffee, hoping it'll keep him awake enough in the movie theatre.

In the meantime, Miki is also making herself presentable after a day at work. She can't stop smiling.

She still decides to change out of her work clothes though and meets Kenta at the bottom of the stairs, in front of both their townhouses.

"Am I underdressed ?" she asks when she sees him looking so handsome. "No, you look amazing !" As they make their way to the restaurant right around the corner, they keep trying not to look at each other, act normal. And both of them are failing terribly.

When they get to the restaurant, they order quickly, not focusing too much on the menus. And straight away, Miki's very eager to hear more about him, what he's been up to since they last saw each other in Mt Komorebi.

He briefly tells her what's happened during the past two years, he's eager to tell her about his adventures in the forest, his new job here in the city. And she seems so happy to hear how fantastic his life has turned out. But he's itching to know more about what has happened on her side, so he pushes the conversation towards her. "What about you ? Did you get to Selvadorada like you always wanted?" "Believe it or not, I did !" "Tell me more Miki ! What's been going on with you ?"

The food comes while she's telling him all about her own adventures. He can't get enough, and she's so happy to be there with him, they don't see the time pass. It gets later and later and they don't even notice. They might even miss the movie at this point !

Sparks are flying, but Kenta does have something still bothering him... In all her stories, she didn't mention anyone special. He just can't leave without having asked. "Miki, can I be honest with you ?" "Of course ! What is it ?" "In all this time we've been apart, with everything that's happened on my side, I've never found someone that makes me feel the way you do... Have you... Have you found someone else ?"

"Oh, Ken... It's... I would never have dreamed of anyone better than you to share my life with, and I've not even wanted to find someone else to be honest. It's always been you, you know this..." she answers, stars in her eyes, blushing because of how open and honest she's being.

They finished their dinner and step outside, the fresh air helping them both clear their heads a bit. But only a few steps away from the restaurant, Kenta turns to Miki and takes her hands in his.

"Wait, I need to say this... It's always been you too, Miki. Remember when you gifted me those rainbow fireflies, on our school trip to Granite Falls, back when we were young teenagers ?" "I actually do" she said softly, blushing again. "Well I still have them, at my dad's house, and the whole time I was in Granite Falls by myself, I had a lot of time to think, about life, about you, and about how I want to share my life with you. And I've also had lots of time to look for some of those fireflies !" he chuckles. "My point is, I still love you. I think I fell in love with you that very day, in the forest, and I've been falling deeper in love with you ever since." He doesn't wait a second to get closer and kiss her.

And they keep kissing. Until the end of the night. Obviously, missing the movie. And who cares, after all, they can always go another night! But they definitely can't miss out on the happiness of this more than perfect first date.

[headinthestaticsky]

Frozen Within the Night Wind: Jasper Hale x Fleur Swan, Chapter 5

None of the characters in Twilight belong to me, all rights go to Stephenie Meyer!

"Home is where I want to be Pick me up and turn me round I feel numb, born with a weak heart So I guess I must be having fun"

This Must Be the Place by, Kishi Bashi

I stormed off, too mad to talk to anyone, I wanted to get to her... to get her to feel the frustration I had felt. But it seems something would get in my way. I shouldn't be doing this right now... I should be sitting with Rosalie and Alice talking about wedding plans. I should at home with my father, sitting outside in the backyard and talking with him. I wanted to spend eternity with Jasper but, I didn't want to turn so soon... It felt like someone had come by and punched a hole straight through my chest or swept the rug out from under me when I least expected it. It felt like I had no control of my body whatsoever. I heard the footsteps of someone else approaching me slowly, I whipped my head around to see Rosalie staring at me.

"Hey, honey."

"Hey..."

"We'll get her soon Fleur..."

"It's not just that, I'm just frustrated, about a lot of things."

Well, I'm here to listen."

"It's all just too much right now... I mean from 4 days ago to today everything just... changed so quick... I went from driving home to my dad to chasing after a psychotic, revengeful, woman. I mean...I planned on going to a creative arts school after I got married..."

"I felt the same way when I first turned...I remember the things I wanted, how comfortable I was in my life. And then I was left in the street for dead and turned into something I didn't have a choice in doing."

"I just...feel like I don't know who I am anymore...I can't even cry if I wanted to."

"You'll get control of yourself eventually...You just need a little guidance."

"I gotta stop moping... it won't help me at all."

"C'mon let's get back to the house before Jasper uproots every tree trying to find you." Rosalie joked and held out her hand for me to help me up.

Timeskip: 1 week later

The 2 weeks of my "vacation" were up, and Bella had just come home from spending time with Renee in Jacksonville. It turns out, Bella had gotten pissed with Edward over him not telling her Victoria was looking for her. So she took off with Jacob back down to the reservation. I also found out through Emmett that some tension was going on between Jacob and Edward... over Bella. Jasper and I were playing a game of chess... I rubbed my eyes quite frequently as I had just started to wear contact lenses. Emmett meanwhile was watching a football game. Edward had run into the house with a concerned look on his face.

"What-" I started

"There was an intruder... in Bella's house." Jasper and I shot up, already making our way down to Jasper'ss car. We both got inside when Jasper looked at me with concern and grabbed my hand.

"Are you sure you can do this? It's might be hard being around your father in this state."

"I'll be fine... besides, I can distract dad while you guys search the house," I said.

"I don't mean to constantly remind you of how unpredictable you can be I'm just... worried."

"I take no offense to it, my love"

The drive to the house was quick, being a vampire whose tracking abilities were getting better meant that I found the fastest routes to each location I was going to. As soon as I pulled up in the driveway my dad ran out, a huge smile was plastered on his face.

"Fleur! I missed you so much!" He said, running up to me.

"I missed you too dad, Canyon City Oregon is great!"

"Jasper told me you were thinking about going to an art school around the area."

"Oh yeah I was but, I think I'm going to say here for a little while longer."

"You don't have to stay here because of me you know."

"Dad, I would miss you too much to leave now." He smiled and then pulled me in for a hug. I breathed in slightly...his blood didn't seem to... alluring to me.

"Thank god." I thought to myself... I might be able to stay here a bit longer. I turned slightly to Jasper, he was smiling at us but I could tell he was shocked with how well I was doing.

"Do you two want something to eat?" He asked.

"No, we ate something before we came down here," Jasper stated.

"We'll come on in you two."

After we sat and caught up on everything that happened on my "vacation" Jasper had made an excuse to use the bathroom to investigate where the intruder might've gone.

"So... how's wedding planning going?" Dad inquired.

"It's going good, Rose and Alice have been helping me out a lot... it's definitely going to happen in the woods."

"That'll be nice."

"Yeah...and I planned on moving out after the wedding."

"Yeah, I know... it's just going to be weird, not having you here all the time."

"It'll be weird for me too... heck being away for 2 weeks was strange for me... But don't worry dad, I'll always be around."

He looked over at me and smiled. Before he could say anything else, the front door swung open. Bella came stomping into the house but stopped when she saw us.

"What are you doing back here?" She inquired, her voice wasn't very welcoming.

"Nice to see you too, I just got back from Oregon Bella...I do live here still."

"Wish you would've stayed down there." She mumbled to herself.

Dad heard her and gave her a glare.

"Oh don't worry about it dad... I've gotten used to it."

Jasper walked back into the room and his face looked confused.

"Well, it was good to see you again Chief Swan but I better get back to my place. My family is eager to see me as well."

"Good to see you again Jasper, have a goodnight."

"Goodnight sir."

Jasper pecked my lips before leaving the house.

"I better get to bed dad, I'm tired. Goodnight."

"Love you, goodnight."

As soon as I made it up to my bedroom I locked the door and opened my window, I jumped out and ran back to the Cullen's house. I had to admit...being able to travel quickly and efficiently was a plus side to being a vampire. When I made it back to the Cullen's house they were all sitting with Bella in the lounge room. She must've gotten Edward to take her down here. Jasper and Emmett were missing, however.

"So...is it someone we know?" I asked.

"No, I couldn't recognize it." Edward replied.

"So it was a nomad passing through?" Esme inquired.

"I don't think so Esme... I don't think it would've kept my father alive." I added.

"She's right... it would've killed Fleur's father."

Jasper walked in with Emmett.

"The scent disappeared 5 miles South of Bella's house," Jasper said.

"Fleur, have you tracked Victoria at all?" Carlisle asked.

"Wait... that's your power?" Bella interrupted.

"One of them... and yes I have, she isn't anywhere near our house right now and she wasn't before either."

"Besides, I would've seen it." Alice added.

"It has to be the Volturi." Edward suggested.

"I've been watching Aro's decisions too... it isn't them."

"If it's not the Volturi then we need to keep searching, we'll take turns guarding Bella at her house."

Rosalie and Jasper looked at Carlisle with annoyance.

"Really...another protection detail?"

"Rosalie..."

"No, I really don't feel like protecting someone who has treated someone I am very close to like dirt."

"Rosalie's kinda right," Bella said.

"What? I won't leave you unprotected."

"There is no way you guys can search for the intruder...help train...her, while trying to protect me and my dad."

"And go after Victoria." I noted with an attitude.

"While trying to keep yourselves fed," Bella said while rolling her eyes at me.

"I'm not going to leave you here defenseless." Edward rebuttled.

"I won't be defenseless I'll have..."

"Have what?"

I smirked...looks like Jacobs going to have a hand to play in this afterall.

[artsyxloner]

Not Just a Monster

Warning: blood, violence

9: Rescue Mission

It's been half a day and I haven't heard Eun-yoo say anything about me. I see her walking with that one man I saw earlier. He had blood on his face I guess he had beaten up that one creep.

He was now in the Quarantine room with Hyun-Su which I didn't know why but it made me feel Anxious for him. I didn't trust that guy well that what my gut kept telling me not to.

So I made sure not to get too close to him. I didn't care to know his name. Passing their room I saw Eun-hyuk standing in front of the door.

I wonder what he was doing there? Then Eun-yoo words replayed in my head. " you know making you guys do dangerous stuff for other people." Eun-hyuk wasn't going to ask Hyun-soo to do something dangerous, was he?

I was going to quickly pass him but he stopped me, I Scrunched my face up letting out the shit word. Turning around I fake smiled. " can I talk to you for a minute Soo-Nico?"

Not having a choice I nodded, " you have been out there right Or was that just a lie?" He questioned me. There was no need to lie so being the goodish person I am I told him I've been out there.

" yes, I'm still having nightmares from what I've seen out there." It was true, very Horrid Images stuck in my head of things I want to take back. But I wonder where he was going with this I had a good guess though.

" where is this leading to?" I had cut to the chase. Eun-Hyuk kept a straight face like always. " it'll be dangerous but like you said you've been out there so you must know how to handle those things right?"

Yep, I was right, " yes, but I almost had a couple of death Experiences facing them." Who's to say I won't get lucky again if I get into the golden hour. " I'm sure that was scary for you but you and Hyun-soo are the best we got to face them."

What did he want me and Hyun-Su to do? " I'll tell you you're Mission once I get him in here." That's when he opened the door and called Hyun-Su out just Hyun-soo. I could hear Suk-Hyun fussing about not getting out. Hyun-Su walked out through the door and his gaze landed on me but I didn't have the happiest on at the moment he must have thought it was directed towards him because his gaze Shifted elsewhere.

But it wasn't, I didn't realize I still had it on after Eun-hyuk and our conversation. He motioned for us to follow him with the wave of his hand. It was true what Eun-yoo said.

" the Front gate must be barricaded at all times. And we also need more wooden planks and chains Blocking the stairs. Monsters could get through at any moment same goes to the room back there." He finished implying the quarantine room.

I felt my chest swell up, so there making him do dangerous stuff but still going to lock him up and barricade the door? That's unfair.

I could tell Hyun-Su had a knowing look on his face like he just been stabbed through the heart. He knew he was going to use him.

I had to bit back my Tongue before I could say anything to get myself thrown out of this place. " Why do you think I took your side earlier? I'll be straightforward with you. You will be taking on all of the dangerous work from now on."

I can't believe this crap?" if you don't want to I can't help you" Eun-hyuk crossed his arms being Serious. Hyun-Su spoke up. " what do you mean?"

" The guy in room 1408,"

Hyun-Su's eyes went wide with Recognition. I guess I knew the guy, " can you bring him here?" Hyun-Su could say anything I nodded, " sure but what's so special about him?" I asked wanting to know before we go and risk our lives.

" he makes Weapons, my electrically charged spear he made it," Hyun-Su explained so that where he got it from.

Eun-hyuk had left for something I don't know of but I went back to go get my machete as Hyun-Su followed. We had to stop by his room so he could get his bag.

As he was in there getting it, something came over me like I needed to protect him. Because I didn't want people to use him for what he was and risk himself for something they should've been doing.

With thinking it through he didn't need to get hurt by Eun-Hyuk's selfish Decision making. I slammed the door shut so he knew what I was doing and locked it.

While I did Hyun-Su quickly turned around and ran towards the window. His eyes were the Widest I've ever seen. " what are you doing?" I could hear him through the glass, panic was Evident in his voice.

" You're staying here while I go get the guy!" I demanded, not like he had a choice because he was stuck in there. He banned on the window with his hands for me to let him out but I couldn't.

Was I going to risk my own life for someone I don't know to keep someone else's safe? It was stupid of me but it seems like the right thing to do.

" Bye," I smiled at him, just in case this was our last meet. But I made sure that I have to survive so even though I've been through hell and back might as well go again.

I ran off hearing Hyun-Su yelling at me to come back because. Going to the stairs that were Barricaded the guy with the burn scar was there and Seung-wan I found out his name was there Guarding it.

And also Eun-Hyuk seeing me his face frowned, knowing Hyun-Su wasn't with me. " Where's is Hyun-Su?" He questioned so I made up a lie telling why he didn't come with me.

" I Figured, I am better than two since there would have been three of us but that would slow us down if there were too many so I said I would just go and he stays," I explained, in one full breath.

He looked like he was regard to making a Decision but then nodded, " fine, guess that makes sense, but if you're not back in the next hour and a half I'm sending Hyun-Su up got it to Retrieve you."

I agreed even though it wasn't going to be necessary. With that, the scarface guy had opened the door already and I knew he wasn't Accompanying me to go get the guy it was for something else I don't know of.

Jumping over the Furniture, box Crates, and lockers I walked up the stairs with my machete in hand gripping it ready to take down anything that got in my way.

As we made our way Climbing each staircase for me to get to room 1408  managed to make small talk well tired would be the right word he seemed like the quiet type.

Passing a door I felt something like it was living in there never remembering I had this I stopped. Knowing what it was, a monster. This is new I thought, the man had stopped staring at me but I didn't know why.

" you going to go in there?" the man spoke up for the first time, I shook my head not going to start something I don't have to.

" no, I'm just going to leave it be let's go." I began to make my way up her he grabbed me by the back of my sweater pulling me to where I was before. " I think it's better if we clear it out just in case we run upon it." he let go, while I fixed my sweater back.

" But why start something when it isn't harming us?" I may have said this too soon because a Tentacle busted through the door grabbing the mad as it wrapped around his body dragging him into the room.

Hearing him let out a scream I raced in there trying to find out where it took him to. The place was on fire, this was all too familiar when I first caught the place was staying on fire.

Covering my mouth and while holding my Machete tight in my other hand I searched throughout the huge room, I began to cough, then I saw something struggling on the floor.

It was the man he was trying to fight the thing off him, just as I was about to run to the guy I was Forcefully knocked off my feet. I went flying through the air hitting something that shattered.

Not knowing what it was, it was glass no duh but I wasn't Concerned about myself I needed to help the man. Getting up I ran over to him, but he was yet dragged away again.

Running down a hallway there was the sound of something falling to the floor. Looks up there were two people an old man and a young girl that was holding a crossbow.

She had shot down the monster that had ahold of the man. He was laying on the ground unconscious, I hope he was still alive.

The girl with the crossbow Knelt and checked his pulse. " he's alive." She confirmed. I didn't know the guy but relief washed over me. " the monster left him alive?"

The older man questioned shocked, looking over we were right next to a closet and there was a whole bunch of dead people inside. Turning away the girl seemed to notice.

"What's going on?"

I didn't say anything it was pretty Obvious. Going over to him I grabbed his arm with the help of her we lifted him. Then kicking the tentacle-like arm out of our way. Walking to their apartment.

As we did the Sprinklers turned on getting rid of the fire and smoke. Their apartment wasn't that far but I was already getting tired of carrying this man.

What was he pure muscle?

Getting there door the man opened it letting us in. Setting him down, the girl left to dress his wounds. I had taken a seat on the floor I didn't realize but my face began to sting.

Bringing my hand to my face it felt wet, already knowing what it was I wiped it with the back of my sleeve I needed a new shirt.

" Why are you up here?" The man asked getting my attention. " oh, I'm getting a guy in room 1408, he makes weapons." I told the man just nodded and went to go read something from a book.

A few seconds later the girl came back, I could hear the unconscious man stir in his sleep. She went over to him. " here let me dress her wounds now." She was about to fix him up.

" I don't need that shit!" The man cursed and smacked her had away. " yes you do, your bleeding had stopped but you are still injured."

He just got up and walked away, I could hear her signing. " is it okay to let him go like that?" She turned to what to be her dad or grandpa.

" there's no need to worry about him, I bet he could take on I live tiger by himself." I laughed at his statement, Turing the girl looked at me.

" Hey, you look pretty hurt yourself." She began as I started to get up remembering my mission. " oh, that's okay, I'm alright but I'll fix myself later." I smiled.

But the man brought the crossbow up to my face. I backed up, " we're you scratched?" He questioned Putting his finger on the trigger.

[mother-snake]

Me: *looks at completed homework* *looks at Jessie* *looks at homework* Now that I have my freedom your heart is in danger once again. Be warned brave friend.

Also me: JANUS!! GET YOUR BLOND HEAD OUT HERE!!! I NEED YOU AGAIN!

faintly in the distance: noooooooo

~~~~~~~~

All the sides were wearing black.

They just got home from a very sad event that day, no one wanted to say the title out loud because they couldn't accept that he was gone. Rain hit the mindscape windows, similarly, tears were streaming down all of their faces.

After the event, all the sides went to their rooms. All except a certain dark blue side.

Logan was on the couch. Black suit being crumpled by the lax sitting position. In his shaking hands was held a letter. Everyone had at least one letter. Logan had the most with five letters. Each one had a number.

Logan grabbed the letter labeled #1

It was of medium size. White envelope contrasting with the red wax used to seal it. The only thing that marked that it was for him was the blue ink used to mark his name.

Trying not to tear the paper. Logan opened the letter and started to read.

Dear Logan,

I guess if you're reading this I'm gone. To that fact, I'm truly sorry. I wish I could be there. But this is for the best.

I suppose you know what happened to the dark side by now. If you don't well.... Its gone. Wrath, Apathy and Depression were just getting too powerful, it didn't matter how much I hid them away they still got to Thomas... and I can't have them destroying Thomas's life. I need to do my job, even if it kills me. I really did enjoy your company! I hope you know that.

Often times the only thing that could get me out of the bed in the morning was being able to see your face. Or being able to debate with you. Or seeing you talk about space for hours! God Logan, I could go on for hours about how you made my horrid life better. You were my best friend.

These letters are going to be written over a period of time. I don't think I have it in me to say goodbye to the 5 people who made my life tolerable all at once. I'm going to be writing one letter a day. Till tomorrow Logan?

~Deceit Sanders

Logan let out a steady breath. He refused to cry over the first letter. He debated over reading all of the letters at once but.... Janus said tomorrow... He'll read letter #2 the following day.

The next morning was just as somber. Logan sat on his bed and gripped the second letter.

This one was the same size, but the envelope was a light baby blue. The seal black. Logan opened it with just as much care as before.

Hello Logan

Another day, another migraine? I get it... Not the time for jokes. I just finished writing Roman's second letter. I always felt so bad for everything involving Roman.

I manipulated him, I told him lies, I compared him to his brother. Kinda makes me deserve this I have a feeling he might try something. Snake instincts. Watch him for me, please? You five need to be a family, I've witnessed what happens to sides to end up hating eachother. Its not pretty. You don't want that Logan.

I guess that is what makes me have to do this. If we only acted like a family I wouldn't have to do this. I wouldn't have to do a lot of things if the darks weren't pricks.

The stupid thing is that I know you would try to talk me out of this plan. And you're right. God you're always right. Why do you have to be right all the time? I wish I was right all the time. But its ok. I'll be the side who hides the truth.

Blessings and a curses, right?

I'll write to you again tomorrow Logan

~ Janus Deceit Sanders

Logan gulped in another breath. He could read that crossed out section... Janus was right. They have to be there for eachother.

Why don't they go watch Janus' favourite movies? That sounds like a fun way to remember someone. Logan got the others.

-time skip-

It was just passed midnight. Everyone else was asleep on the couch as Coraline played on the TV. Logan stared at the third letter. It was technically the next day.... Logan grabbed the letter.

This letters envelope was a burnt tan colour. Yellow wax acted as the seal.

My dear, Logan

I never wanted to be hugged so much then I do right now. I have to barricade my door to prevent Wrath from getting inside, he's always been a loud side.

I remember when I was nothing but a child -Virgil is ten years older then me. Did you know that? I forget that sometimes- I always had blond hair. I know that you and the other lights also have lighter coloured hair. Well anyway. Wrath hates my hair, says that I don't belong. I can also only do that little silencing trick when I'm on your side of the mind. And I can only automatically heal when on the light side too. Huh. I never released how long that list was. Maybe I'm just defective... That has to be it... Right?

I always looked up to you. You could tell people how it was and not cower when things go wrong. You truly are amazing Logan. You need to show the others that. I know that the others love and care for you. You need to accept that love logan! Please. Don't fall into a similar pit of despair I fell into so long ago. I never escaped that pit. Don't fall in it too.

I know how you like to cope Logan. You seek familiar things that remind you of that person. Thats why I did something for you. Under your bed is my all time favourite book, Good Omens, My favourite snacks and an USB with my playlist on it. I hope you love them as much as I did Logan. I'll write to you tomorrow.

~Janus Sanders

Janus wasn't lying when he found the little care package. Logan wasn't crying. Absolutely not! Patton was cooking with onions. Logan never released how much he loved chocolate covered pretzels and jazz until that moment.

The next day Logan didn't even bother to get dressed. He just grabbed the next letter. A soft pastel yellow with a blue seal. Logan tore it open, eger to read what the yellow side wrote next.

Dear Bluebell,

Kinda weird calling you that. But I guess I won't be alive long enough to see your negative reaction. Bluebells were always my favourite flower. Would it be rude to keep calling you bluebell? Well, I guess it's a little too late for that.

It just came to my attention that by this time tomorrow I'm going to be...Gone. I made the poison that would get rid of them. My venom is one of the only things that can kill a side. Would be a bit ironic dying from my own venom huh? Well, I might as well tell you my plan.

Do you remember that party you and the others snuck into? The masquerade? We're having another party tomorrow. And it was always my job to serve the wine. We can't have the others being suspicious to why I didn't drink my wine. They will be dead in less then ten minutes. My venom is painful. But it'll kill them. I'll kill them 10x over, I'm not looking forward to five minutes in where the venom shuts down your lungs.

Anyway, I'm a side known for plans right? Not always the best plans but it counts. I still remember debating with you as Patton. Maybe... Maybe I could sneak over today? Pathetic last wish, but I would love to have a hug and a movie. I'm going to head over to your side soon.

Bluebell Logan when I'm gone. I need you to do something for me. Don't let them forget me...Please. That is all I want. I don't want my body to be left inside of that empty house. I don't want to die next to the people I hate the most. All I ever wanted was to see you smile. I'll see you later today.

~Bumblebee

Logan was crying. That day... Janus asked for a hug and a movie.

He only gave Janus a hug after the look of heart break was too much for him to bear. Logan didn't wait to grab the next letter.

My Beloved Bluebell

Today is the day, I never thought I would admit this but... I'm scared. Do you think that there is Heaven and Hell for sides? If there is I guess I'm going to hell. Suicide is a sin. Not like anything else I've done deserves heaven.

I don't have very long for this letter. 30 minutes. I have 30 minutes till my heart stops. God I'm terrified. This is the last letter I'm writing Logan. I finished writing Virgil's letters yesterday. All thats left is your letter. And holy fuck I'm scared.

I have to do this, I overheard Wrath making a plan to overthrow the mind. I can't let that happen. I would fail at my only job. It doesn't matter if I'm scared or not, I need to do my job. Thomas would suffer if I didn't.

20 minuites, I have ten minutes till the party. My hand is shaking. Can you tell from my writing? I hope you can still read this. If you can't the letter is pointless.

Logan, I know that this is never something you would reciprocate but...

I love you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted to take you to the moon for a honeymoon and take you dancing among the stars. I wanted to be the tired husband that has to deal with your legionds of roommates. Logan I love you so god damn much I can't put it into words. I know you could never love me though. Its ok.

Take care of yourself for me please. Don't let your beautiful family fall apart. Don't let the despair of my death cause one of yours. Don't let one of the others blame themselves. This is no ones fault but mine.

I love you

~Janus Sanders

Logan dropped the letter and let out the most agonizing scream that could ever come out of his mouth. He cried. He cried and cried and cried. He cried until no more sound came out and his eyes burned.

He didn't notice when the other four came into the room and held him close.

All Logan did was trace the words on the page.

"I love you too, my bumblebee."

The sides could only feel the hole in their heart grow bigger.

~~~~~

I made myself sad again. I CAN'T EVEN CRY! MY PARENTS ARE IN THE ROOM! Curse my own brain ;-;

Here it is!

[ma-gic-gay]

"He's going to go home and try to get my children to be mad at me!" Carly sighs, angry and already tired of it. "I knew I shouldn't have told you."

"Well if it's causing such an inconvenience to your life, feel free to go and tell him you were overcome with pity or something," Jason says, half glaring at her. "I'm sure he'd believe anything you ended up telling him that would save your marriage."

"I didn't mean it like that," she defends herself. "It's just that now that it's out everything's different and I can't go to you to rationalize it and uncomplicate it, which I've been doing forever. Everything's so complicated now and I just can't deal with the thought that he's gonna go home and make the kids hate me or you because you didn't do anything wrong."

"Your kids could never hate you. You didn't do anything wrong, Carly. Sonny doing whatever he's doing won't affect Joss and Donna and Avery are too young to understand it," he attempts to calm her down.

"Don't tell me you're blaming yourself for this," she glares. "If I hadn't told you-"

"You what? You would've managed to take that to the grave? Something of this magnitude isn't going to remain a secret forever, you know that as well as I do. It would have come out eventually. It's better that it came out now than when you or I are in a near death situation."

"It's not impossible I would've done that," Carly argues and he rolls his eyes. "Alright so maybe it's really doubtful I would've been able to do it but I could've tried harder. Seriously, I cracked after like two minutes of questioning! It was pathetic!"

"That means you really had to say it, get it off your chest. It's a sign this was going to come out regardless and we'd both rather it come out now than in ten years when you're high on morphine because you got shot or because I did and you think I'm gonna die. These things aren't meant to be kept secret and you know as well as I do that they've got a funny way of showing themselves at the strangest time."

"Do you want me to think about you getting shot? Carly asks, appalled.

"No, but I also don't want you to be thinking you're the only one responsible for everything going on. I'm equally, if not more, responsible for it too," he informs her.

"You don't believe that. This is happening because I-"

"Because you told me how you felt and then told me I was under no obligation to tell you how I felt. I did anyways and we kissed. Twice. Good kisses but still. Now your marriage has gone to hell and I'm pretty sure Sonny wants my head on a stick."

"He'd never do that to you, you know that. You're his oldest friend."

"Who just betrayed him by kissing his wife."

"I kissed you first!"

"I kissed back."

"So what, are you saying you regret kissing me or something? Because if so say the word and I'll go make up a lie to feed him before he starts losing it and we'll go back to normal."

"We can't go back to normal, Carly! We kissed! We admitted our feelings for each other! That's not something you can come back from with the snap of a finger!"

"So you do regret the kisses."

"I never said that! God, why are you complicating this so much?"

"Because that's what I do! Complicate a thing until you can't recognize it! So tell me if you regret the kisses or not."

"No," he admits, "I don't regret the kisses. I don't, but you've got a marriage to think of right now! Your marriage is ruined because of me."

"It's not because of you if I told you my feelings first. I'm the one who practically forced yours out of you! If anything, I should be apologizing to you for that. Not you standing here, apologizing to me for doing something I started," she fires back. "This is something I did."

"And something I agreed to! Something I enjoyed! Something that's uprooting your entire life and is going to cause you so much pain. You're gonna get hurt, the kids are gonna get hurt, for all we know Sonny's about to start a war we can't fight right now! I'm responsible for this as much as you are, if not more," Jason shouts back.

"Stop saying that!"

"Why? It's the truth! Us being in love with each other is complicating everything, Carly. For me, it's not nearly as bad as it is for you. You've got to go through whatever you decide to do and I've got to deal with the fact I'm the reason for it!"

"Tell me right now that you don't believe you caused this, Jason, because you did not. I did. Not because I kissed you or told you but because I built myself a life that forced me to shove what I felt deep down and pretend it didn't exist. We both know how good I am at that," she scoffs.

"We don't lie to each other," he answers simply, noticing that a few stray tears have left her eyeballs so he wipes them away. "Never have. So I'm not gonna tell you what you want to hear."

"Ugh," she groans, "why won't you believe me? I'm not lying and you won't admit I'm right."

"Because you're not."

"Yes I am!"

"It's my fault somewhat, can we agree on that at the very least?"

"I don't think that's true but if it'll make you feel better it's 0.2% your fault," Carly beams at him. "That's as much blame as you get to take."

"Isn't this supposed to be a happy thing, not a thing that makes us feel guilty?" Jason chuckles.

"Well then stop feeling guilty for this! It's fate or something, I don't know," she smiles at him again. "You and I are simply the victims of our own choices and so I say we embrace that rather than just being super guilty."

"Good luck with that," the assassin sighs. "Seriously, I wish you luck distracting me from the guilt I feel over this."

Smiling, she leans up and kisses him. They pull apart a minute later and the blonde beams up at him. "How's that for a distraction?"

"Not bad," he smiles. "Still feel guilty though."

"Well then I guess we'll have to keep kissing until you don't."

"Not opposed."

To be continued possibly

POSSIBLY?! I might cry-

[punkscowardschampions]

James & Ava

James: Good morning, how are you? Ava: 😊 All the 🌞 for hearing from you Ava: how are you, James? James: I'm happy to hear that James: meanwhile I'm busy, but unfortunately not solely with hours dedicated to missing you, which is in itself dangerously close to a regret Ava: I know what you mean Ava: the universe doesn't allow nearly enough opportunities for pining at open windows or reflective musing whilst staring into bodies of water, or mirrors, depending on the mood Ava: impressive you can think up any beautiful words in such circumstances Ava: what are you busy with? James: I can't remember the last time I looked into a reflective surface that wasn't a kitchen appliance, but considering how few hours of sleep my present universe allows, that's perhaps for the best James: there is only so much a caffeine fuelled bloodstream can produce and therefore no new paragraphs of the novel are forthcoming either James: I'm steeping your in disappointments to begin your day, I'm afraid James: and you're not the only one, as what I am overwhelmingly busy right now is cancelling plans Ava: I'm sure I'll survive them all though Ava: as you will the lack of sleep and caffeine jitters, with a bit of help Ava: what can I do? Ava: Which is to say, what plans are worth keeping cancelled, and which ones should be salvaged from the ❌🗑 James: all I am left with are the activities which I cannot bear to erase from the schedule, therein lies my dilemma in its entirety Ava: Lay it on me Ava: two heads are better than one James: she is supposed to be here & isn't, which is of no surprise to me & wouldn't be of any consequence if I were capable of being in two places at once James: but I am not, nor do I have words to spin this into a story that doesn't end with a child having even less routine or structure when what she wants is more of both Ava: Right, and naturally, she's left it too late to contact any grandparent to be a stand-in? Ava: is it something I could do or not? James: I did try my mother but her reaction to being asked to enter the swimming baths was as hilarious as it was unhelpful Ava: I can imagine Ava: if that wasn't a waste of imagination James: I should have foreseen that they'd end up sharing the same unwillingness to get their hair wet Ava: but swimming caps are so fetching Ava: 🙄 James: of course James: & it's entirely about them, not the children's enjoyment Ava: or that swimming is actually a pretty vital skill Ava: you think people who like to spend so much time doing water-adjacent activities, yachting, sailing etc, would realize said importance but half my friends can't swim, only take the poolside pictures Ava: but seriously, if you think they'd be okay, I'm happy to keep watch on whichever kid would be more agreeable with me doing so James: Jay loves swimming, but I'm sure she'll outgrow it & prefer to pose apathetically on a lounger in designer sunglasses given a few years & the force of my wife's will James: that's how things work in this universe Ava: Not everyone is like that Ava: and your wife's will can be broken by the horror of damp hair, it can't be that much of an unstoppable force James: her will isn't the one being tested, but point taken Ava: No, I know Ava: I bet none of her yummy mummy friends take their kids though, do they? James: all of her friends have foreign au pairs that they barely have to financially compensation for raising their children full time Ava: so Ava: we can pretend I'm your enthusiastic...Swedish is perhaps a little too cliche Ava: Dutch? Ava: au pair James: what language do you actually take in school? James: they might hypothetically try to voice their complaints to you & expect you to respond in kind Ava: Such a shame the obligatory Latin won't come in handy, as per with dead languages Ava: I take French though, some of them might be Swiss James: it's inconsequential really, I can't ask you to help me when I haven't even asked what your plans are Ava: I offered, you didn't ask Ava: and I wouldn't have offered if I was busy with anything of consequence James: yes you would Ava: Nothing in my life is that important, not currently James: this isn't important to you James: & it doesn't have to be Ava: It's a life skill, like I said Ava: I don't mind doing it James: what am I supposed to say? Ava: if you think it's a bad idea, it's not like I'll be offended or anything silly like that James: it isn't that it's a bad idea Ava: What is it? James: it's that I feel bad, if this is what I can offer you James: because ours isn't supposed to be a sob story & it seems like I've only started a conversation with you to file my complaints Ava: it's not all you can offer me Ava: or all you do Ava: you have responsibilities, plenty of them, I knew that before Ava: and it's not a negative, even with it meaning we spend more time missing each other than we'd like James: it is however painfully stereotypical, 'my wife doesn't understand me' & so on Ava: well, yes Ava: at least you aren't alone in that pain Ava: 2/3 marriages, isn't it James: you're not supposed to be a sounding board for my mistakes, or hers, is all I'm trying to say Ava: I don't feel like one, I promise James: I just wish we could exist independent of this James: but there's no way not to feel equally as bad for wishing for a different world as I do for dragging you into this one Ava: I know Ava: but that wouldn't be a real world at all Ava: it could only exist within the pages of the novel Ava: it'd be perfect but James: I know that too, all of it James: ignore me, I'm tired Ava: I couldn't if I wanted to Ava: and I don't Ava: maybe you'll find a lilo to catch some 💤 on James: sadly I'm not taking any of you swimming at the villa Ava: You would have to tell me if I needed my passport as well as my swimsuit James: one day Ava: yeah? James: if you want to Ava: I don't need to pose apathetically in another sun lounger Ava: but of course, I'd like to be anywhere with you James: you won't be, that isn't even the hypothetical holiday I have in mind James: you know I want to experience things with you Ava: Then we will Ava: and it'll be much more than a photo opportunity James: okay, good Ava: Where would you most want to go together? James: I don't know James: but I like snow Ava: We can work with that Ava: top of a mountain, maybe James: that would be an undeniably good photo opportunity Ava: okay, so the view doesn't count 😅 James: I'll be relying on that, taking mental pictures is all well & good for now but you're a very lovely view Ava: oh 😌 Ava: you're lovelier James: no, you're impossibly beautiful James: all I can do is my best to put suitable description to it Ava: you're just Ava: I want to help you today Ava: but it's undeniably a bonus that I will get to see you James: I'll make some time purely for you James: I don't know when, but as soon as I can Ava: I'll take it Ava: whenever it is James: there's a chance I can use my mother's unwillingness to help me now as a insistence to do so later Ava: potentially Ava: promise her hair won't get wet, that'd be a start James: thank you, I'll open with that Ava: 😏 Ava: there must be something she'd like to do with them Ava: that won't also be entirely torturous for them, because certainly counterproductive James: I'm not sure there is James: but at the very least she's capable of feeding & putting them to bed Ava: then I can do the same for you Ava: more or less James: by then, it'll be my turn to do something for you Ava: which would you rather 🛏 or 🍽? James: it's not my decision, it's yours Ava: I'll cook for you James: I think that's wise Ava: I just want to see you, we don't need to go anywhere unnecessarily Ava: my place is often empty James: I'm happy to hear that in this instance, because of how much I want to see you too Ava: It has its perks Ava: you can take as long as you like putting me to bed, also James: can I? Ava: Yes Ava: I very much hope so James: I don't think you've anticipated how long I would like to spend doing so James: in a perfect world Ava: in this world Ava: we can go to bed very, very early, so you'll still be home by the time you need to be James: & if I don't need to be anywhere else, can I stay? Ava: yes Ava: you can stay as long as you can James: I'll try & stay until we can say good morning face to face Ava: I'd really like that James: me too Ava: You make me smile, you know James: I look forward to seeing it, should traffic ever allow Ava: Oh, I could've got myself there James: I know but I want to spend as much time with you as possible, just in case James: it's already been highlighted how unreliable all of my childcare options are & just how dependent on ridiculous whims Ava: I'm not going to complain, trust me James: you'd be entitled to, when you see how much energy these girls have compared to me James: they make me appear a level of exhausted that I haven't yet reached, honest James: it's horrifically unjust Ava: If I know anything about having kids, it's that any complaint I might have doesn't even register in comparison Ava: and you're still beautiful, even if you're very, very tired James: in theory possibly, but actually, your every sound & silence registers with me Ava: in that case, I'll make every one count James: I believe you Ava: not that I promise my words will be as good as yours Ava: that would just be foolish James: I don't doubt your vocabulary either, you're extremely eloquent & capable whatever the circumstances James: a very worthwhile skill in a protagonist Ava: you could make me the swooning type and it'd be valid Ava: perhaps not very likable or inspirational though James: unless you've changed your mind about seeing me, I don't have the time for such a drastic & unnecessarily out of character rewrite James: there aren't enough hours in the day to finish the saga, never mind turn us into the next Bella & Edward James: what a great disservice that would be to you anyway Ava: That would be so out of character, I couldn't possibly, we'd find ourselves in the same situation regardless Ava: and whilst I'm happy to miss you and do some pining for the cause Ava: I'll be happier to see you, of course Ava: no need to exile yourself to Italy, though I can see the pluses of that for you/Edward James: not to mention, the age gap is already enough of a potential concern Ava: at least you aren't re-doing high school for the nth time Ava: that would be alarming James: there's an argument to be made that I should Ava: if you picked a better school, maybe James: at the top of a mountain, perhaps Ava: yes Ava: though, distracting as you would be, I wouldn't be mad at an excuse to see you every day James: there is nothing more distracting than the thought of the blush of your cheeks in the cold air, which is what I'm considering right now Ava: James James: Ava Ava: I'm going to have to be cool when I see you, aren't I James: yes Ava: okay Ava: then I better compose myself James: such a heartbreaking sentence will never make it into the final draft Ava: it's okay, I like swimming James: you'll enjoy it when I can promise you a hot spring Ava: I'll love it then James: I hope so Ava: I will Ava: but I could be anywhere with you and feel 🌞 James: I can't help but feel as though this swimming lesson will put that to the test Ava: screaming kids are nothing Ava: I'm 💪 James: you can have the baby then, there's more heavy lifting involved Ava: alright Ava: I can do that Ava: she must be like a little 🐠 James: she looks like one with her 🐠 hooded towel on Ava: that's adorable James: [sends her a picture from a previous swimming lesson of that adorable bub wearing it because that's not cheating evidence Chlo, we're safe] Ava: Bless her Ava: she's precious James: you'll do fine, she enjoys a compliment Ava: I feel that James: well, it'd be amiss if I didn't flirt with my au pair & we don't want any raised eyebrows Ava: Exactly Ava: got to play your role James: if there was ever one I was seemingly born to play Ava: you don't want an actual au pair? Ava: not for flirting purposes, obviously James: I'm not allowed one, for flirting purposes or otherwise Ava: Ahh Ava: I see James: yet another cliche Ava: you shouldn't need one Ava: she doesn't work, right Ava: or uni, or anything James: of course not, but we would hypothetically need one because, as you just highlighted, she doesn't do anything Ava: yeah Ava: maybe you could find a man Ava: or a really unappealing woman James: I'm not handing her someone else to sleep with, least of all someone who's supposed to be busy watching the children James: & I don't think a woman unappealing enough exists given that my imagined track record clearly surpasses the actual Ava: and it would just be cruel to force any queer guy to be her built-in gay BFF Ava: 🙁 James: oh god, that would be the cruellest fate imaginable Ava: couldn't wish that on anyone Ava: I just Ava: wish I could help more long-term James: all you have to do is be here, that is helping me both short & long term James: more than you know or I could feasibly let you know Ava: but you can try Ava: and I will very much enjoy you doing so Ava: later James: I miss you James: I want you to know that now Ava: I miss you too James: I'll be there soon though, whether or not that helps or makes the feeling worse for you Ava: we'll see Ava: at least I can let you know 💬 James: I'll take my own opportunity to compose myself before you do Ava: 😇 James: 😈 Ava: it will be hard not to be James: it always is Ava: yeah Ava: one day, you won't have to be James: but this morning, I'll try to please everyone Ava: and you will James: you're the 😇 darling Ava: but you are very, very good Ava: you should know, I want you to James: thank you Ava: you're 🥇 James: I will only accept the accolade if I can share the honour with you Ava: you're too generous Ava: you deserve it James: so do you Ava: nah, not really James: yes really James: I don't deserve you happening to me James: I'm in awe of everything about you, Ava Ava: That's not true Ava: you deserve me Ava: and a lot more besides James: irrespective of the difference of opinion, I don't want anything more than you Ava: anything? James: what could I possibly desire more than you? Ava: you're Ava: are you nearly here? James: yes, but I can take some kind of impromptu detour if you'd rather the answer was no Ava: I can definitely compose myself again Ava: becoming quite an expert James: which is why you deserve a 🥇 James: I know how difficult it is to do Ava: at least we share in it Ava: that makes it, not easier but at least worthwhile James: still, I wish there was something I could do to make it easier for you Ava: it'll help when I get to see you in the pool Ava: or make it a lot worse in a kinda fun way, anyway James: oh James: I haven't stopped to consider what you're going to be wearing for this Ava: It's probably best you don't Ava: forget I said anything James: hm, what you're done is, you've essentially guaranteed I can't & won't Ava: it's okay, you have the whole ride there to think about it before you really need to concentrate James: except I meant it when I answered yes to being nearly there & as soon as I am, time will speed up as it tends to do James: around you there are just never enough moments Ava: I miss you before you've even got here too Ava: no amount of time seems suitable James: I'll write us days, weeks, months & years but there's every chance you'll still feel cheated by it Ava: that's just life isn't it Ava: there's no time for half the things we want to do, but we have to carry on in earnest anyway James: the fraction alters from person to person, depending on the life lived & what gets prioritised but I don't believe there's anyone satisfied that they've experienced enough of anything they still want Ava: right Ava: the best you can hope for is doing some of it and having no regrets about if you could've done any more with your allotted time James: in not doing regrets, I'm halfway there Ava: could be worse James: I'm aware it could also be better, don't worry, I won't make you say it Ava: who's couldn't though James: anyone I care about, if the 🖋 were mightier than the ⚔ or indeed intentions counted for more than words on paper in the 1st place Ava: good intentions might not exactly be doing good, but it's still much better than doing bad James: they might also be dangerously close to a fool's errand but I've definitely made a fool of myself for a lot less Ava: I think its noble James: do you? Ava: Yes Ava: of course Ava: I mean it, really mean it, when I say I think you're lovely James: it's just that I'm not used to hearing it James: give me days, months, weeks & years Ava: Done Ava: the only reason I'd stop was if you wanted me to Ava: even then, I might try again, a few more times James: I have no intention, be it good or bad, of stopping you from doing anything you want to Ava: as long as you want it too James: even if I don't Ava: I wouldn't want that James: give yourself days, months, weeks & years James: the point is, my limitations aren't yours, you can do whatever you want & I won't be something that prevents you Ava: I'll still have time and space to say and mean it, whoever I am, because it will still be true and you'll still deserve to hear it James: okay, I'll work on accepting that James: but I make no promises about getting that work done during this particular car ride James: nonetheless, if you're still willing to, you can get in Ava: [come through gal, say hello to them babies] James: [depending where we're putting this on the timeline it could be the first time you have] Ava: [very well could be, Jay just like whaaa] James: [she's like new phone who dis] Ava: [just like I too wanted to swim so I'm coming with, is that cool?] James: [cue excited chatter about swimming and all the other sports and activities she likes because she's a sporty bitch from cradle to grave hence her personal trainer future] Ava: [just taking an interest like your own mother never, so rude] James: [I like to imagine the baby joining in by making excited sounds like she's trying to chat too] Ava: [just replying like yeah girl, same, like you understand] James: [I love it when that's a thing] Ava: [so do babies] James: [already better with her than her actual mother is] Ava: [sad but true] James: [we know the bar is that low, no shade Ava we also know you'll be an amazing step mum and mum so] Ava: [but seriously, we aren't being that extra rn that would be weird, we're just being not shit lol] James: [exactly dr phil and we know this swimming lesson will go great cos I'm only gonna be evil after and not let him get away to spend the night with her cos forever rude] Ava: [that's real and fair] James: [you lowkey don't get to have anything you want rn lads it's just the era we're in] Ava: [true tea, can skip to that] James: the later we wanted is going to have to happen moreso than we thought James: I'm really sorry James: I've tried everyone, both my siblings even Ava: Oh, okay Ava: that is a shame James: It's not okay, you were wonderful earlier & I James: well, I'm hardly that, unless we're giving out marks for effort in the last hour Ava: I'm definitely counting it Ava: if it can't be done it can't be James: not tonight Ava: then it's, not okay but just a fact Ava: we'll find time James: what are you doing tomorrow, maybe we can find some time then? Ava: I'm going to another Uni taster day thing James: which uni is it? Ava: LSE, so I will be about the day after on James: & you'll tell me what you think of LSE when it's over, right? Ava: Of course Ava: it's 1st for journalism but I'm not sold quite yet James: the tour might swing it for you if they take it more seriously than the one I gave Ava: I happen to be fond of the tour you gave, thank you very much James: Yes, The Vault will forever hold a special place in your heart Ava: Exactly Ava: be swinging by whether I'm alum or not 😏 James: I'll bear that in mind should I ever need to find you Ava: you only have to ask James: or whistle, not your namesake's immortal line, but I'm sure it'd be effective Ava: I have two, should you ever like to try again James: I'll bear that in mind as well Ava: Are you named after your dad, or granddad? James: II not III Ava: might've skipped a generation, if he was feeling particularly ruthless James: that would be a fun anecdote, but no Ava: that's a shame Ava: how do they pick the second boy's name James: I assume my mother just named Teddy what she would have named me if my father's ego hadn't got in the way Ava: that makes sense James: how they chose me sister's name would be anyone's guess, were it not stolen from the royal family Ava: surprised they'd commit the faux pas Ava: never have you 'round now, very awkward James: or very much a relief Ava: Poor Charlotte is pretty awkward looking James: looking like your grandmother can go one of 2 extremely different ways James: the more greats you add, the more you're rolling the dice Ava: 😅 Ava: at least there is some mystery in that Ava: no prizes for guessing who I come from James: but hand on heart I can profess to being thrilled that neither of my daughters resemble any of their grandparents Ava: they look like you James: Jay does Ava: yeah, moreso Ava: little ones change so much James: yes, she's an unfinished work Ava: that's a good way to put it James: it's better than being a shelved one, as I am Ava: I can deploy tiptoes if necessary James: thank you for what will be a cherished mental image Ava: it'd be cuter if I was smaller but in relation to you James: you couldn't be any cuter, in relation to anyone Ava: I'm glad you think so James: of course I do Ava: no of course about it Ava: you're totally gorgeous yourself James: first you're comparing our heights & now follows the rest of our attributes James: it's okay, I'm sitting down Ava: well I'm glad to hear you're getting somewhat of a break Ava: I'm just saying, it was still very unlikely, if not star-crossed James: you don't think we looked right together earlier? Ava: I love how we looked James: is there a but coming? Ava: only in the sense I wish it wasn't such a predictable cliche scene around here Ava: but it's neither of our faults that employment is seen as an actual form of flirtation by some James: it was a convenient excuse, I couldn't have wished for more than that under the circumstances Ava: I know Ava: it did the job James: if you want to come again, we know it works Ava: do you think I'll be invited back? James: I don't see why not Ava: I did okay then James: you did better than okay, we're all in agreement here Ava: good James: you haven't been worrying about this since you left, have you? Ava: not worrying Ava: but I don't want to mess that up, so I'm glad I didn't James: I understand, but I meant what I said about being in awe of you, you know James: this wasn't any different Ava: You really do always know what to say Ava: I know it was only swimming, but I'm glad they got to go James: well it's obvious that you always know what to do because you were perfect James: I was worried I shouldn't have agreed to you coming with us, but I'm glad you did James: they would've missed out for no reason if I'd panicked needlessly Ava: it wasn't needless panic though, you were left properly in the lurch Ava: and on paper, does not sound like the best idea James: I'm used to that, but less used to us existing off the page, particularly when it isn't just the two of us James: I asked you what you thought about how we looked, but it's something I try not to think about Ava: because of what other people might think Ava: or because you don't like the thought James: because of everything about my life that makes it difficult for us to be an us James: & because of your age & theirs Ava: You aren't that much older, even if your life means you have to act it Ava: but I understand Ava: thinking about it too much makes you think it might only ever be a nice thought, a daydream on the page and in our heads James: I know but Jay is 6 & you aren't old enough to have a child of that age James: which is why you don't James: I can't help thinking about that Ava: Well, yeah, I don't get having kids, there's no denying that but I'm not trying to say I do Ava: most people your age don't have kids either James: of course they don't, that's the thing, there's not an excessive age gap but there is a huge discrepancy when it comes to our lifestyle Ava: I know James: I don't want to alter yours, that's all Ava: You aren't just going to Ava: my lifestyle is up to me James: okay, just don't let me rewrite you Ava: you won't Ava: you don't want to, and I won't let you Ava: don't worry, okay James: I'll try not to Ava: it's needless, we can use that word here instead James: it's only a worry because I like you exactly as you are Ava: those aren't your words, sir James: do you only accept original speeches? James: it's very much a sentiment that applies to you and how I feel in this instance Ava: as long as you stick to the classics Ava: Mark Darcy, Edward Cullen James: an easy promise to both make & stick to Ava: then I'm happy Ava: 😊 James: I'm happy to hear that Ava: I like it when you're happy James: I'm happy with you Ava: good Ava: that's a good start Ava: we'll see each other soon, but maybe we can call before then James: I'd like that James: when? Ava: whenever you can Ava: I'm going to have a quiet night in James: as soon as I can then Ava: perfect Ava: what are you doing now? James: everything you would if you were my actual au pair Ava: Awkward when I am just a pretty face James: you're not but you're also not on my payroll thankfully because that would be more awkward James: what are you doing? Ava: making some dinner Ava: then I'll see how long I can make a bath last, I reckon James: are you making the same thing for yourself as you were going to make for me? Ava: I would've made you something special James: you've earnt special too though Ava: I'll do a different kind of special then Ava: comfort food James: I normally can't stand compromises but that admittedly sounds like a lovely one Ava: aren't compromises key in kid negotiations though? James: I think that depends what kind of parent you are Ava: and you're the structure and routine, so you're the boundaries and rules that aren't up for discussion too James: whether I wish I could just give in sometimes or not Ava: you're the love too though Ava: you can tell they both adore you James: for as long as being everything doesn't wear me down to nothing, I'll keep being exactly what they need me to Ava: does anyone help Ava: like, give consistent help James: her parents are the closest I've got Ava: sounds really fucking stressful James: it was easier with one Ava: yeah Ava: now you're outnumbered James: & everyone helped more when Jay was younger because we were too James: I'm expected to know what I'm doing by now Ava: don't reckon anyone ever does though Ava: cop-out response, I'm aware but genuinely Ava: it's just everyone has the responsibility of fucking up their own kids James: every child is different & I'm not remotely the same person I was either James: an additional cop out response but true anyway James: the way I handle things now, or don't, is a world away from how I coped then so James: new challenges Ava: well, I can't say about then Ava: but you're nicer now than lots of dickheads 'round here that wait 'til they're 30-40 odd to have theirs James: thank you Ava: whatever missteps, having a parent that's a decent person is an advantage lots of kids don't get James: are yours? Ava: yeah, I think so Ava: like, they aren't storybook parents and they never have been that type, they're too fucked up for that Ava: but they did and would do anything for us, nothing we could bring at them would be too much, and my siblings have definitely put that to the test in recent years James: storybook parents tend to lead you into the woods using a trail of breadcrumbs or do nothing while you're placed under a curse anyway James: which sounds more like the school of child rearing my parents would subscribe to Ava: oh you're right Ava: the ones that aren't dead are usually terrible James: I need to write some better bedtime stories once the novel is finished Ava: you'd be perfect at that Ava: I can tell Ava: you can turn me into whatever animal sells best but it better be cute or I won't be able to help being slightly offended James: you'll be adorable & clever & kind, of course James: the good ideas can come from your animal counterpart as they always do from you when you're yourself Ava: very 🦗 Ava: she likes 🐕 a lot though, and I can handle that James: I was considering a water creature because you love swimming & are intending to be in the bath as long as you possibly can James: perhaps 🦦 Ava: see Ava: you're amazing at this Ava: that would be so cute James: you haven't seen the pictures yet, an amazing artist I am not Ava: we'll get you an illustrator James: male or unattractive? Ava: I'm not your wife, I don't need to make those sort of stipulations James: strictly hired on their ability to draw an adorable 🦦 it is then Ava: 👍 thinking James: [I was thinking he should send her some totally beautiful and expensive pudding because she said comfort food so that needs to arrive before she's in the bath otherwise that'd be annoying instead of sweet] Ava: James James: Ava Ava: how am I ever going to thank you? James: oh good, I thought you were say you didn't like it James: *about to Ava: I love it Ava: how are you just as sweet Ava: it's ridiculous James: it's ridiculous that I can't see you for days at a time James: I want you to know that you're in my thoughts more often than that Ava: if she knew how lucky she was, none of this would even be an issue, that's what's ridiculous Ava: but I'm sort of glad she doesn't Ava: selfishly James: she isn't lucky to have me, that's the obvious issue James: because to say that we don't work as a couple or aren't sweet to each other is an oversimplification Ava: did you ever? James: no Ava: I'm sorry James: I don't deserve any sympathy, I haven't always tried very hard Ava: It's still sad James: It's sad for them, I'd like to think that maybe one day they'll describe me as 'fucked up but...' as you did your parents though James: I'd happily settle for that Ava: I don't know how thrilled they'd be Ava: but there's not really a higher compliment so Ava: as far as goals go, it's a good one James: realistic goals are the only way forward Ava: I'll drink to that James: 🥂 since I can't actually Ava: I'm just eating my pudding, obviously James: very amiss of me not to send you 🍾 as well James: noted Ava: Shh Ava: it was perfect, you are Ava: there's always enough 🍾 'round mine to bathe in, should I feel so inclined James: I remember Ava: yeah Ava: I remember too James: I won't ask you to fill in the ensuing gaps in my memory, don't worry Ava: I tried not to pay that close attention, naturally James: 😇 naturally Ava: Hardly Ava: Buster was just pretty embarrassing James: I remember that as well James: though I took the 👑 in that regard so there's little room for me to say anything Ava: you aren't my brother so I guess it didn't really register James: it may have more closely registered had we stayed friends, I suppose Ava: He didn't stay, period James: precisely Ava: 🤷 James: if he had & we were still friends, there wouldn't be a you & I so Ava: depends how good friends you were Ava: think you'd have to be much better than you were, right? James: it would be an added complication regardless & there are more than enough of those Ava: very true James: no offense to your brother but I would rather have your company than his Ava: 😂 I should hope so James: you could improve your ⚽ skills but James: Jay'll help you Ava: Slander Ava: I could be semi-pro, you don't know 😏 James: 😂 Ava: I'm not though, don't want to get anyone's hopes up here Ava: definitely come back to bite me if I try and impress you with my dribbling skills 🙄 James: I won't wait for you to indignantly explain the off side rule to me, it's okay Ava: we're both better than that cliche James: I hope so Ava: besides, I have ZERO interest in being a sports journalist thank you Ava: not putting that out into the universe James: or a WAG presumably Ava: not unless he has an interesting personality to go with the ball control James: some of them must Ava: probably be better going with a female player but I doubt they're girlfriends go in for the WAG label Ava: not invested enough to champion it solo James: it'd be a slightly less stereotypical existence Ava: except every lesbian is either a footballer, cop or farmer James: I'll have to take your word for it Ava: yes, I'm very reliable James: well I'm sorry, you can't be the novel's narrator Ava: I like your words too much, that's fine James: you're too kind to me Ava: no James: yes James: because it's another failing of mine that I can't get inside your head in order to write those words Ava: I like when you tell them to me Ava: with your voice James: can I call you? Ava: yes James: [does and I vote it lasts for hours and hours because they are cute and high key] Ava: [agreed]

[rlbubbles]

my mom doesn't understand me part 1

(disclaimer : I don’t support or encourage self harm, or disorders of any kind, this is only a post to explain what I’m going through. If you are having trouble with anything, mental health or physical health, please get help.) and know I love you. even if I don't know you, I love you. and we can get through this. 💙💙

TRIGGER ALERT : IF YOU STRUGGLE WITH MENTAL HEALTH, I STRONGLY ADVISE YOU TO CONSIDER NOT READING THIS POST, I DON'T WANT TO TRIGGER ANY OF YOU, I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANY OF YOU.

mom : honey, what's wrong?

me : *explains what's wrong super clearly and in detail*

mom : oh. I'm sorry. okay.

me : *nods*

mom 2 hours later : hey. what's wrong? is everything okay?

me : no. I'm not okay.

mom : what's wrong?

me : same thing I told you a few hours ago. I still feel upset/hurt about it.

mom : what is it?

me : I told you already.

mom : tell me again.

me : *explains it to her super clearly and in detail*

mom : oh. okay. I'm sorry. maybe I can help. what can we do to make you feel better?

me : *explains what will make me better super clearly and in detail*

mom : oh okay. we can do that. it's easy.

me : yup. thanks mom.

mom 2 hours later : *does the EXACT opposite of what will make me better and thinks it will fix everything*

me : *realizes what she did* *panics/panic attack and ask* mom? why? why would you do that?

mom : because we talked about it, this would make you better.

me : no. mom. no. I said *the exact opposite* would make me better. this made it SO much WORSE!!

mom : oh. I'm sorry. I just wanted to help you, because I love you.

me : I know mom. I'm sorry. it's not your fault.

mom : okay. I love you.

me : I love you too.

me 2 days later : *stressing bc mom "fixed it" but really it's way worse and I'm struggling to find a solution to feel better*

me a day later : *realizes the solution is to push through it, (bc it's ocd and fear of fears,) and I'll realize I'm okay.

mom 2 hours later : sweetie, what's wrong? are you okay?

me : no. I've been stressed out for a few days now.

mom : why? what's wrong?

me : same thing that was wrong a few days ago. it hasn't changed.

mom : *thinks really hard* I don't remember. what was it?

me : *explains it super clearly and in detail*

mom : oh. I thought we fixed that.

me : no. you tried to fix it, but I couldn't feel better.

mom : oh. well. what can we do to fix it, so you feel better?

me : *explains what will make me better super clearly and in detail*

mom : oh. okay. that's easy. we can do that. okay. relax. you'll be okay. okay. I understand. you don't need to stress anymore, okay. I love you.

me : *sigh of relief* thanks mom. I love you too.

mom 2 hours later : *"fixes it" by doing the exact opposite of what will make me better*

me : *panics* mom? why did you do that?

mom : bc you said it would make you better.

me : no. mom, that's not what I said. I said *the exact opposite* would make me feel better.

mom : oh. I'm sorry. sweetie, I just wanted to help you. bc I love you.

me : I know mom. it's not your fault, I probably confused you when I explained it to you. (a lie bc, i don't want to make her feel bad, bc she struggles with depression and for a while suicidal thoughts)

mom : okay.

me 5 days later : *been struggling with panic attacks every two hours for the last 5 days because my mom "fixed it" and my solution is to push through the fear bc it's ocd and fear of fears, and I will eventually realize I'm okay, so long as I push through it, so I've been in my room all day everyday, for the last 5 days, bc it's my only safe place*

mom : *knocks on door, opens door* hey. are you okay. you haven't left your room for almost a week.

me : *panics, I can't tell her I'm not okay, bc she will want to "fix it", and I can't make her feel bad and think it's her fault. lies* yeah, I'm okay mom. I just really like my room, you know.

mom : are you sure?

me : yup. really. I'm okay. *smiles so she drops it*

mom : okay. *leaves room, closes door*

mom 2 hours later : *knocks on door, opens door* hi. I was just thinking, you know how you said you really like your room?

me : yeah. *nervous, what is she getting at*

mom : well, what if we rearranged it so you have more space since you like to be in your room?

me : *panics, knowing that if my room were rearranged, it wouldn't feel like my safe place anymore, bc of ocd and fear of fears. tries to make up a reason for why I don't want my room moved without my mom feeling bad* um. no. that's okay, I really like my room like this.

mom : really? are you sure?

me : yeah. I'm sure. it's perfect.

mom : mmm. are you sure? it looks a bit crowded.

me : mmm, no. it's actually not. besides it feels cozy like this. I really like it.

mom : are you sure? I'm really good at tectris, I can move your room around and you can have more space.

me : no. that's okay. there's actually a lot of space in my room. you can't tell bc you're looking at it from the doorway, but if you were to step inside and move around my room, you'd see it's actually spacious.

mom : are you sure. you're going to spend a lot of time in here. I want you to be comfortable. I can move your room. it would be really easy.

me : no. that's okay, mom. I really like it like this. please don't move my room around.

mom : *nods*

me : thanks mom.

mom : I'm just trying to help. bc I love you.

me : I know mom. and I appreciate that, but I really like my room like this.

mom : *nods*

me : thanks mom. I love you.

mom : *leaves room, closes door*

me : *slow breathing to get rid of panic attack that was caused by stress and worry that I had to come up with an idea to keep my mom from moving my room around, my safe place. panic attack leaves after 10 minutes*

mom 2 hours later : dinner. come and eat.

me and my brother : *walk to dining area to eat*

mom : *weirdly disappears for 30 minutes*

me and my brother : *decide to watch a movie in the living room*

mom : *suddenly reappears and sits and eats at the dining table*

movie : *end credits roll*

me and my brother : wow that was a really cool movie.

me : well, I'm going to my room now

brother : okay, I'll go to my room too.

me : *walks to my room, notices my door is closed, it's never closed, I panic, I turn the handle and see my room*

my room : hi. I've been rearranged. I'm no longer your safe place. your bed isn't where it used to be. and that pile of stuffed animals you had on your bed ready to be used by you when you "can't do this anymore" yup, there on that shelf over there, in a neat line. and the stuff that used to be on that shelf is now either on your desk, which is also moved or in your dressers' drawers, also... moved. but hey, you have .08 inches of more space!! I wonder what your going to do with it!! so I know I'm not the same room you left like 2 hours ago. but can we still be friends. I hope you like me. please like me. it's not my fault. I didn't want to be moved around. but your mom moved me. bc the only sign on your door that says "keep out" is an invisible lock of trust that's on your door. trust between parent and child. but that lock is easily broken (whispers) all you do is turn the door handle, and push the door open. so. do you wanna come and sit on your bed, and hug a stuffed animal, that you'll need to pluck off the shelf, after panicking bc you have to chose ONE from the shelf, but how do you chose ONE, when you second guess everything, but don't worry about that, just pick ONE, and sit on your bed and you can cry silently, being tormented by suicidal thoughts until you tire yourself out and fall asleep. but don't worry, those thoughts will be there for you when you wake up, waiting for you to wake up, it'll have a big grin and a knife, shining in a beautiful light, calling your name. so wanna close the door, and we can start.

me : *panics, can't breathe, tears are banging behind my eyes, runs to find my mom who sits at the dining table eating, like nothing is wrong*

me : mom. uh. I just went to my room, and it looks different.

mom : yeah. I know. I moved it for you. *smiles, like she deserves a best mom of the year award*

me : *chokes on my tears, still holding them back* you moved it. why? I thought we talked about it. you said you weren't going to move my room.

mom : we did. but I figured you'd like your room more if it's more spacious.

me : but I told you I liked it how it was.

mom : I know.

me : so why did you move it?

mom : bc I thought you'd like it.

me : *confused* but I said I didn't want you to move it.

mom : yeah, but you know how you don't really know what you like until you see it. *shrugs* same thing. I wanted you to see how I could make your room look, bc i think you might like it.

me : um. but I said I didn't want it to be moved. and I know myself really well.

mom : mmmm. *tilts head side to side* do you, though? I'm your mom, I think I know you better than you know yourself.

also mom : *works 24/7 and only talks to me at dinner for 2 minutes and at night to say good night. and when I "schedule" time to talk to her once a month for an hour to two to catch her up on my life.*

me : *struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for about 4 months when I was 14, and my mom didn't know anything, not even that I would cry in the bathroom every night for two hours. she only found out, bc I couldn't take it anymore and I was between killing myself or asking somebody for help. and I decided to text my uncle at 1 o'clock in the morning, and he text back. and said we should go out for ice cream when I wake up and we can talk about it. she only found out, bc I had to explain, why all of a sudden, I was leaving to see my uncle. and "just because we want to see each other" wasn't enough for my overprotective, aggressive parent of a mom. struggling with anxiety, ocd and fear of fears, I know EVERY FEAR I've dealed with for the last 3 years, what makes me calm and what triggers me, and my mom only knows about 2 fears that I've outgrown bc fear of fears, is a real b**** and gives new fears to me every two weeks. lovely, right? and she thinks she knows me. she doesn't even know what my favorite movie is!! for crying out loud.

also me : *nods, holding the tears back and says* okay. well, I'm going to my room now.

mom : okay. good night. I love you.

me : *turning away from her and walking out the dining area, voice cracks as tears start to flood my eyes* I love you too. good night.

mom : are you okay?

me : *shouts from the hallway, lies* yup. I'm okay.

me : *walks into my room, closes the door, stares at my unrecognizable room, my once safe place, my now, torture chamber. I break. tears roll of my waterline and race down my cheeks, "I can't do this" echos in my mind. I grab a stuffed animal from the shelf and face plant onto my bed. and silently ugly cry. telling myself, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and I can do this, I'm stronger than this. I can get through this. I believe it less and less with each hour that ticks by. eventually my body gives up, and I fall asleep. only to face these thoughts again in the morning, bc my safe place isn't safe anymore.

this is my life from the time I could talk to now. I'm 19¾ today.

[livelovelaug-h]

Irreplaceable you pt 2

Sam x reader

Warnings- cancer: sad times. Angst. :(( Grab the tissues still.

"So I decided to cut out gluten. That was like the first thing that I did. I would just like wake up in the morning and feel like totally fatigued. Just like, "eh."

You laugh. This could be good. Next girl.

"You know, um his job he doesn't really like talking about it." She laughs. ?

Next girl. "You know what's funny I have a cat named Sam."

"oh okay."

"yeah." Nope. "Thank you."

You're writing down on some papers a few notes notes: too slutty. Too needy. Too freaky. Too neurotic.

Next girl.

"So it says on your online profile you were Phi Beta Kappa?" You ask.

"I had no life in college." You laugh.

"And now you're a researcher for the National Institute of Health?"

"Yes. Still have no life. I'm just... I'm just tired of being alone. I'm where I want to be career-wise, and I really would like to settle down and have a family."

She adds: "sorry, Natural caretaker. Also overbearing neurotic."

"I'm the same way." You say. "Um... Let's set up a date."

"Okay. Um, just... If I could just be honest with you, um, I just don't quite understand why a man would send his assistant to pre-interview women. I just... I don't get it. "

"Yeah, um... Here's the deal." She could tell by your face.

"Sally! Please don't hold it against him!" She starts walking away.

"This is the craziest thing like ever!"

You started picking up the papers to go catch the girl but you ran into in the waitress. "Oh, shit. Oh, sorry! I'm sorry! "

"No, I got it."

"It's kind of a long story."

"I... I think I heard it. I mean, I know I shouldn't, but spying on the customers is like the only thing that makes this job halfway bearable. You are way more interesting than most. "

"I know, it's unusual." You say.

"Yo, dude, I think it's awesome. Like, my mom died seven years ago. I was in high school. And after she passed, my dad spent every night alone. And I tried to tell him, "Go out. Live life. Find someone." But not just anyone. The right person. "

"Exactly. Which is hard."

She laughs "Right. imean, do you have any like friends or anything that could like take him off your hands?"

"Yeah his brother but not anyone that would get this girl stuff."

"Right. I mean, the thing is, finding the right one is actually about volume. You should host a mixer, like, invite some people."

"Yeah, right. Nothing says "fun" like a mixer hosted by your dying girlfriend."

"I mean, I'm having an art opening... at this gallery space on Friday. you could use it as a front.You, like, wouldn't even need to be there. And... And an art opening could bring together some really interesting women. Like the right types. Not that there wouldn't be some people there with like interested in the free snacks, but... "

"I wouldn't want to..."

"No, honestly, dude, you'd be doing me a real solid."

you laugh. I'm y/n.

"I'm Mira."

~~~~~~~~~

"A hundred and fifty dollars? This place is a rip-off. I could make this myself one week tops." Myron says.

"Focus, please. We just need to freshen up Sam's look a little."

"Why is that again?"

" Trust me. Any woman that meets him

is gonna want to shop for him. The wrong one will put him in these. He wears all plaid all the time"

"What are you doing?" You ask myron.

"What?"

"You're the only one who gets to make bad decisions because you're dying? Terminal cancer. Put it on my bill. "

"You're just so cool with everything. I'm not cool with any of this.

"I've been dying longer than you have. You get better at it. "

"How?"

"Well, it's like this vest. At first it's, "Why is that old man wearing that horrible vest? Pretty soon I become the vest guy. After that, you realize that you'd hardly recognize me without it. I look comfortable in it. It's a part of me, so... you accept it. "

"I don't think I can ever accept you in that vest."

"No?" He asks.

"Try this on. I want to see what it'll look like on Sam."

"Okay."

"But let me pair it with some skinny jeans."

Laughs.

"Okay. I look three days younger. "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"These... Oh! They're cutting off my circulation. Seriously, my ankles are tingling, my feet are asleep."

"You look hot!"

"It's just... Can I ask what this is about?"

"Just some retail therapy. "

"Right. And where am I supposed to put my phone?"

"Now... Okay, this jacket is dry clean only. Which means, if I'm not around, do not put this in the laundry."

"I know what that means y/n."

"Oh. Shit. Laundry. All right, so... In here." You walk to the washer and he asks:

"Really?"

" Okay, so... "

" I know how to turn it on."

"Yeah, but colors, whites, delicates."

".. Right."

"The dryer sometimes gets stuck, so, uh, you just give it two kicks. you kick it twice Right here. Like that. And it will generally unstick itself."

Sam kicks it twice.

"Exactly."

"Uh, this dial is the minutes. It tells you how much time you have left.......... um, If the time runs out..... before the clothes are ready, you just... turn the dial."

"Hmm. Wait." You say feeling uneasy.

" What?"

[groaning] "are you okay?"

You start coughing and head towards the sink. You start throwing up.

"yeah I have that effect on women." You both laugh. "Too soon...?"

You say "yeah too soon."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Her and her nightly what ifs. It was adorable though.

"What if I had run away and joined a cult?"

"I guess I would have to join too."

"What if relationships between cult members was frowned upon?"

"Like an asexual cult?"

"Yeah. And you couldn't do an intervention and get me out because I was totally brainwashed."

"Hmm. Well, I guess I would have to become a rival cult leader, re-brainwash you. according to my philosophy, and then steal you away into my cult, which would be a sex cult."

You start dying with laughter.

"What if I were exactly like me, except I had really terrible halitosis. I would get you a mint. Or I would destroy the olfactory receptors in my nose so that I didn't care."

....."What if I die?

"I would...

never recover." You guys cuddle and go to bed.

~~~~~ the next evening~~~~~~

You Sam and Dean are all In the same room.

"Should I be able to tell that you're circumcised in those jeans? 'Cause I can. And there's not a lot of, uh, room for imagination or your penis in those pants." You says.

"I don't want to go to this. I don't... I don't know anything about art."

You: "Yes you do. Would you relax? She just wants people there."

"Is she hot?" Dean asks.

"Trust me, Dean it will be a target rich environment." Sam answers.

"See? Come on, man. Free food, cute girls." Dean says.

~~~~~~~~~

"Come on, let's do this. " you say.

"How exactly do you know this artist again?"

"We met randomly at a cafe, and we really bonded and...

" When?"

' I... I don't know. I just... I don't want to disappoint her.

"Are you sure you can't come?" He asks you.

I- I don't feel up to it. Trust me.

"Okay. W... Well I'll go, just as long as you stop touching my hair.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey. "

'You're adorable." You say and he huffs a laugh. "Stop that!"

"Oh, he can move in them!"

"No, not really Dean."

Sam to Dean "you know i got a ring right before she told me she was 'pregnant and then now cancer."

"I didn't. You know you could still ask her."

"yeah she'll love that." he says sarcastically.

"it might give her some hope."

"yeah, maybe."

~~~~~~~In The car with myron outside the art meeting ~~~~~~~~~~

"Is he mingling?"

"He's admiring the art."

"Sam doesn't care much about art. Nah, he's just hoping if he keeps himself occupied with an activity, no one will actually talk to him."

[Myron] He's very good-looking.

Can I say that and not be awkward?

"Uh, yeah that's my whole point. What about you and your wife? How'd you two meet?"

"At a party."

"We were in college. We got hitched three years later. "

"That's it? No story?"

"The story came after. Getting married. Life. Building a home. Kids, grandkids."

"Sorry".

"It's okay. I won't know the difference, I guess."

"I just want those things for Sam."

"I have to hand it to you." Myron says.

"What?

"You are stubborn. This might be the worst plan in the world, but you're committed to it, and I like that."

"Yeah, well, don't be too impressed. Hasn't worked yet."

"I don't know about that." He says looking into the binoculars.

"What?" You look into the building.

"Let me see that." Sam is talking to Someone. "No, that's just the girl whose show it is."

[Myron] "So?"

"So she's just doing this as a favor to me. "

"So?"

"So, she's not his type."

"Yeah?"

You: "Oh, no. Don't do the snorty laugh.

"Ugh! He did the snorty laugh. Oh, he does that when he's... "

Myron : "When he's nervous."

"Happy."

"Here. Estelle's hot chocolate." Myron says ans hands you a coffee cup. "It cures whatever ails you. Except cancer."

He cheers "to the things we do for people we love."

~~~~~~~ bedtime ~~~~~

Sam walks in your shared bedroom. "I know you're not really sleeping. Because I know how your breathing sounds when you sleep. Which is something you don't even know about yourself."

laughs

"I know everything about you, y/n, But I have to say, you still know how to shock the hell out of me."

"What do you mean?"

"The clothes. The mixer. "

" Sam... "

"For the record, I am not a dummy. I know what's going on. And I went along with you trying to help me because I know it's helping you. But setting me up? Are you serious?"

"Please. You spend your life fighting monsters and researching all the time. Also always Looking after people."

"Sam, most people don't find what we had... have once, much less twice in a lifetime."

"What we have? You mean, a relationship where one person is... is lying, and sneaking around, and manipulating?*

" It's for your own good!"

"You just tried to manipulate my life! Or you mean a relationship where you have such a low opinion of me, that you truly believe that nobody else on the planet would ever fall for me."

"Obviously not. But that's the whole point!" You're gonna get swarmed, and it's gonna be impossible to find the right person!"

"I already found the right person! Or I thought I had." You

"Y/n/n's, I didn't... You know I didn't mean that. Hey, come here. are you okay?" He hugs you in the bed.

~~~~~~~~~ Sam and Dean sitting in the kitchen~~~~~~~

Sam: "What is she thinking? Does she think I'm completely clueless with women?"

"Dean?"

"No."

"Yeah? No.

" Wait, what?"

"you've just never seen me in action."

"Hm no, no and I never want to."

"What do I do?"

"Look, all you can do is be there for her, however you can. i mean, look, she's got to be scared out of her mind. And right now she needs to know that the worst thing happens.... That you are gonna be okay."

You and Myron go out bird watching. He speaks up : Are you ready to drop this mishigas with Sam?"

"You think I should?"

"Here's what I know: You don't have as much time as you think you do.*

" I don't?"

"No."

"What are you trying to say?" You ask heart racing.

"I'm not saying it, the Buddha did."

"I didn't realize you were Buddhist."

"I'm not, but it stuck with me. And it's true for you. It's true for every person on the planet."

[Myron] I need some snacks. Could you...

Oh. I can't believe you eat those things." You say handing him a bag of cheese curls.

"They're tasty."

"The chemo has clearly destroyed your taste buds."

"Try one".

"They're disgusting."

"Keep going. You get to tasty."

[crunches]. "The second bite is actually not as bad."

Myron: Good for you, too.

~~~~~ later at night~~~~

"Okay. Someone... who hikes." Sam says randomly.

"What?"

In the future, if I ever did this again, which I probably won't, but if I did, and if it makes you feel better to know, it would be with someone who hikes."

" We never hike."

'Because you hate it."

"That's not true."

"We took that one hike up Bear Mountain Six years ago, you complained the entire time."

"That's because hiking is boring. It's basically walking. And walking is something you do to get somewhere. Hiking from your car up a hill and then back to your car is totally pointless."

"Okay". he laughs.

"Duly noted." You say. "Hiking.

"Thank you."

"What else?"

" I like dancing." You scoff.

"I would like to try ballroom dancing classes. You know, like the fox-trot or the waltz, even though... "

"It's lame."

" I know you think it's lame."

''The fox-trot? Seriously?''

" Yeah!"

"How about something just moderately nerdy like swing."

"Is this person for you or for me?

"Okay.".

" Good. I get it. I'll update your profile.

"What profile?"

"This profile."

"God."

"You're welcome".

Next morning on a walk--

"So you've been pretending to be me?"

"you're sick you know that?"

"so?"

"okay so how do you like this profile picture?"

"you took a picture of me sleeping??"

"hey come on I've worked really hard on this. No? You don't okay fine. Want to take another one?"

"yeah let's take another one."

"Okay" he sits down on the bench and smiles. You press the button and bammm.

"what do you think of that?."

"oh it's good!"

"uh huh."

"do it in black and white."

Sam: "are you coming to bed?"

(glass shatters) "oh."

"y/n??" He walks in the room. "Y/n what is it?"

"It's broken."

" Oh, shit."

" It's broken."

"It's okay. We can just... We can get another one. It's fine."

'No, we can't! You gave it to me when we were kids.." you cry but he picks you up and takes you to bed. He holds you all night and lets you cry. He knows this can't be easy.

To be continued

[littleliv1]

I Was Born To Love You- Ben Hardy fanfic- Part Three

Hello, loves! Loving the feed back in getting on this series! It’s for sure a long one, but I hope you guys are enjoying it!

Summary: Leah and the crew flew to London to film the Live Aid performance. She opens up to Brian about her life.

Warnings: sadness, death, angst

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Soon enough, Monday rolled around. It was 4 am. I grabbed my packed bags, pretty much filled with half my wardrobe and all of the make up and face/hair products I could take on the plane. I grabbed my passport, keys, purse, and phone and left for the guys' house. They were all staying in one big frat house that they had rented. After picking them up, I also picked up Bryan, Brian, and Roger.

'Austin has barely spoken to me since Tuesdasy.'

I drove to the airport. Everyone was asleep, after all, the flight left at 5 am. It was a long flight to say the least. I sat in between Ben and Gwilym. I connected with the two better anyways. Gwilym slept the whole time, and Ben complained that his back hurt and he was so tired that he couldn't sleep. I felt more like a babysitter at that moment. I comforted him and played with his hair until he fell asleep. I also fell asleep. I felt myself starting to dream.

There he was. My beautiful girl. I carried her with me for 9 months, she was 12 days early. She was so eager to get here. She loves playimg dress up. She was so outgoing. She had my eyes. I loved her so much more than I could imagine. I felt the love of my life behind me, holding me, kissing my neck. "We made that," I said, cradling his arms in mine. "We sure did." That wasn't Austin's voice. Who was this? I turned around to the familiar blonde who was currently next to me. I gasped.

I gasped so hard, I woke up. I woke up to my phone going crazy. Joe had tagged me in a picture on Instagram. It was a picture of the three of us; Gwil with his mouth wide open, dead asleep and mine and Bens heads against each other's sleeping as well. I smiled at the cuteness of the two, until I saw the comments.

'Who the hell is she?'

'Does he know she's married?'

'Her poor husband :('

They all assumed we were an item. I don't understand. "Um, Joe?" I said quietly. "What's up?" He said. "I really adore this picture, but would you mind taking it down? It's he comments," I said. He looked at it, and he looked shocked. "I'm so sorry, yes of course." He said. And with that, the picture was gone. Out of sight out of mind.

Hours later, we arrived in London. I had booked the hotel in advance, making sure the top floor of the nicest hotel in the area was reserved for them. The cast stayed in the rooms upstairs, the crew in the floor below. I figured it'd help with keeping the pap and crazy fans out. I made sure security was at its finest so the cast could from one place to another, safely. Once we arrived at the hotel, I showed everyone to their rooms. The guys requested to share a room, so I made sure they got the biggest room. It had two king sized beds. The guys, Bryan, Brian, Roger, and I had a quick meeting. I explained to all of them the plan, where everything was, and how transportation needed to go.

Rami raised his hand. "You don't have to raise your hand, Ram." I said. "Where are you sleeping?" He asked, the other guys responding with "yeah?" I laughed a bit. "I'm a few doors down. I've got the second biggest room." I said point to the direction of your room and flipping your hair. "Mmmm, no you need to sleep here with us." Gwilym said. "Who else will protect us?" Joe chimed in. "I'm your assistant, not your body guard." I said giggling a bit. I really was their babysitter. "Please, Leah? Pretty pretty please?" Ben whined. "I'll stay in here for as long as you want but I'm sleeping in my room, end of discussion. I'm married, remember?" I said, showing my beautiful ring. Ben looked at me, raising his eye brows. Only he knew what had happened. "I'm starving," Roger said. "Where can we eat?" "You guys can stay in my room and eat. My bags are unpacked and my room is ready, someone else is coming up here with your bags. I would unpack them for you but those are your personal belongings and I wouldn't feel comfortable with touching them. I've ordered some room service, I already know what you all like, so you guys can head over to my room," I said handing Bryan my key. "And chill out there for a bit. Just don't go through my stuff." I said. Everyone got up, Ben was the last out. Before he left, it was just us two in the room.

"How are things?" He said looking at my arm, the bruises had gone away. I nodded my head. "Okay. Could be better. Hasn't really talked to me. He's only come home before 3 am once last week." He could tell I had been holding these feelings in. "It sounds like to me you need to talk to someone about it. Get a second opinion." He said crossing his arms. I shrugged my shoulders. "Not much to talk about, really. He started to get really possessive and jealous when I took the job as assistant to Bryan. He's convinced that you all won't respect me. He didn't even care that I was leaving for a month or more. He only makes love to me when he's drunk, and it's not even passionate anymore. Just drunk, messy, and to be blunt, short. It's like he doesn't love me anymore but I know that's not true, I don't think." I said. I realized I had been rambling on for a while, I rambled myself near to tears.

I looked up at him and he seemed genuinely hurt by that fact that I'm hurting. I opened my mouth to say something, but was interrupted by a knock at the door and it opened slowly. "Bags, ma'am." A man said. "It's okay, come on in, leave them out infront if the beds, the boys can choose where they sleep." I said to him. He obeyed, and left to deliver more bags. "Sorry. I just can't really deal with this right now. It's best that we have this break, maybe this is just what we needed right now, a break. I don't want to focus on it, I want to focus on the movie." I said. I nodded at your comment. "Yeah." I said walking out of the room, into my room.

"Leah, you're a genius. How'd you know what we all liked?" Brian said. I laughed a bit. "It's my job to know." I said. I hadn't finished unpacking my bathroom bag, so I grabbed that and start to unpack it. "Hey, where's Ben?" Rami asked. "Probably still in your all's room. Your bags are in there, he might just be unpacking his. You all need to pick your beds." I said from the bathroom. Joe jumped up, running out the door. "I call next to Ben!" He yelled running to his room. The others followed. As I was unpacking, I saw some feminine hygiene things, which reminded me. I hadn't started yet. What day was it? I forgot when I started, but my period was never regular. I just knew I hadn't had one yet this month, and the month was almost over. 'Oh god please no...'  I thought to myself. I couldn't have a baby, not right now at least. Not until he was better. Because he was sick. That's why he hurts me. He's just sick. While I was staring at it, Brian came to the door, knocking quietly. He smiled nicely at me. "Everything alright?" He asked, leaning against the door. "Oh, uh, yeah." I said, throwing them in your bathroom box, it was three drawers on wheels to keep things in when I'm away for long periods of time. "Anything I can do you for, sir?" I asked, making eye contact. The way he looked reminded me of my parents. It was hard to look at him but harder to look away. He shook his head. "No, not at the moment. You don't have to call me sir, love. Just Brian will be okay." He said smiling again. I nodded your head. I didn't mean to seem tense, but I couldn't help it.

"It's just you and me in here right now, but I want to get to know you, if that's alright." He said. "Alright, what would you like to know?" I said leaving the bathroom, sitting at the small table provided in my room. He sat across from me, facing the door. "Tell me about when you first listened to Queen." He said. "Hmm," I hummed, I don't really remember Queen becoming part of my life, they just were. "I can't say I remember, no. My parents," I choked at that word. "My parents, really enjoyed the music. Went to concerts all over the world, followed your A Night At The Opera tour, even. You all were part of our family. When Freddie died, it felt like they lost someone. It was very personal to them." I explained, chewing at my lip, praying he wouldn't ask what he was about to ask. "How did they react when you told them about this movie?" He asked curiously. I couldn't help but to get mad, but I couldn't show it at all, the man didn't know they were gone, it wasn't his fault.

'They were gone,' I thought.

I laughed to myself a bit. Not because it was funny, just ironic. I looked down, trying hard to not shed the tears that were already coming. "They, uh," I started. He grabbed my hand, he could tell this was hard for me. "They're no longer here." I said, wiping away the tears to keep my make up from running. He squeezed my hand, looking shocked and feeling the pain I felt. "They passed away in this crazy train wreck, it'll be two years next week actually. It happened about three hours south of here." I said trying not to lose control. "I haven't tried avoiding you or Roger by any means. It's just so painful still, but getting to know you two, two people who I've considered family my entire life, it's been incredible. Unreal. I'm so honored to assist you both." I said, looking in his eyes, with salty tears in mine. Right now, I just wanted Lola.

I felt a bond with him. Obviously not in a romantic, gross type of way. But I haven't felt a connection, a family connection, with someone in a while and I knew my body ached for it again.

"I'm so sorry, my love." He said. I shook my head. "No it's okay, I'm fine. It's still just so hard. I didn't have siblings, my parents, who were both only child's, are gone. My only family now is my husband and he comes home smelling like alcohol and uses me as a punching bag and a sex toy and-" I stopped myself when that came out. Brian grabbed my hand with his other hand. "You need to leave him, Leah. We're your family now." He said so genuinely. I shook my head. "No I'm just your assistant. That's all I'm good at is doing stuff for others. Not that I don't want to, I love helping you guys do things when you need help!" I said correcting myself, not wanting to sound ungrateful. I couldn't help but to break down. "I'm sorry." I said, I couldn't help but sob.

With that, my phone went off. The touring manager calls. I think it's about the set, there's been a lot of issues with that. "I'm sorry." I repeated. I felt bad because my problems weren't his and I know that, I just couldn't help telling him. And I left the room.

Ahh! So exciting finally getting to share this series! I might post part four later today. Hope you all are enjoying! Xx

[ashisabug]

Here I am, at 12 AM with the signature Gay Spoon as we call it, eating subpar tuna fish I prepared myself

I put too much mayo

I hate mayo

But I'm still hungry. And I need to eat this to make myself feel better about eating so much candy

Like a lot of candy. A lot a lot. All because I was upset. Upset over my friend being in the hospital

Suicide watch. She's okay, for now, but I'm waiting for her to leave tomorrow. I'm tired, sad, and numb all at once. Instead of doing something productive I'm eating tuna fish I dont even like in some attempt to make myself feel good

I love her a lot. She's my closest friend and I care about her to the point it's concerning. I would trade spots in a heart beat. I miss her so, so much. We were supposed to go to a burger place tomorrow with another friend. Instead it'll just be me and him eating fries I barely care about. He has no idea

I'm not telling him. Not my place to say

But it sucks. Because sunday was supposed to be the three of us. Eating, laughing, playing. Instead I have to crawl through the day as if I'm not covered in a thin film of plastic

Instead of sleeping, I'm eating soggy tuna fish

When I think about her dying, I want to cry. If she dies, I'll probably try to follow soon after. I think about that time years ago with the pill bottle and how somehow I made it out alive walking to school as if nothing happened

Sometimes I wish it worked. Sometimes I want to do it again

But above all I'm glad it never happened

Because just a month later, she took me to the roof of her house and told me she wanted me in her life. And that she hopes I never let go

Life sucks. Bad things happens to good people. I'm still alive

I'm still surrounded by a fuzzy blanket that barely keeps the cold away

I'm still next to my stuffed animal, a monkey, getting ready to rest

I'm still waiting for a message, a sign, a text, anything to let me know she's okay

I'm still eating tuna fish

I miss you

I'll be here

Forever and ever