#i feel like this is to blame for most of the bad things that have happened to me in the past few months

[backinmyphase]

You thought Satoru would have seen the divorce coming.

Your marriage was arranged, the two of you didn't share much and by all means you didn't see him at all because of his work. You slept in different rooms and didn't give in to the pressure of your clans for an heir.

Satoru wasn't a bad husband. He was just a stranger.

But you didn't blame him for freezing up at the sight of the divorce papers.

Because honestly? For you, divorce was social suicide. Your clan would never forgive you. If it was that easy, you wouldn't have had to marry him in the first place.

"What does this mean?" he just came back from work, earlier than usual, still in his sorcerer uniform. He took of his blindfold, his blue eyes inspecting the paper. His white hair fell in his face making you want to brush it behind his ear.

God, you hated yourself for this.

Satoru looked at you with these eyes and for the first time you saw actual hurt in them. There was none when you stopped him on your wedding night, telling him you weren't ready for sex, none when you slept in a different room.

Because he knew what this divorce meant for you. Dishonor to your family. Most likely getting disowned.

"I want a divorce, Satoru."

He went quiet again. His eyes going back to the paper.

To be honest, you never thought of divorcing him when you were newly wed. Not just because of the consequences but also because Satoru was never bad to you. He was even really kind for someone forced into this.

But then you saw her.

It was a usual Clan meeting with several little and big sorcerer clans. She stood close to him, he seemed more comfortable than he was ever with you. You didn't even know her name. Didn't know anything about how he felt towards her. But you saw the way they looked at each other. How she giggled at his words.

You didn't think Satoru was cheating on you. And that was the thing. With you in the picture he would never be able to get with who he really wants.

You couldn't stand a life with a man who would slowly start to despise you because you ruined his life.

"Why?" his voice was small, hoarse. He didn't look at you, his eyes onnly focused on the papers, on the word 'divorce'.

"It's for the best." you stood up to make yourself a cup of tea.

"For the best?!" a strained laugh left his lips. "What do you mean?"

"Please, Satoru." you tried to calm him but you saw him shaking his head.

"Stop it, I can demand an explanation when you are practically saying you would rather be disowned than be married to me. Just tell me what I did!" his voice got louder, making your frame flinch.

"Why does it matter?" the picture of her was in your head. You didn't know why.

"Why does it matter? Are you serious?"

"Yes, why?" you paused, scoffing. "It's not like we married because of love."

He went quiet after that.

No, you did know why you thought of her. Because you were jealous. Jealous, that another girl got to talk to Satoru Gojo more than his wife. Jealous and insecure because you did want to know him.

"Why are you saying that?" his voice hoarse and suddenly much closer to you.

"It's true. You don't love me so why stay married?" you muttered as you stirred the hot water.

"Stop saying that." his head dropped on your shoulder. "Please."

You froze. The feeling of his head overwhelming you.

"I know it's hard for you, I've met your family b-but-" a sniffle. "But I really am trying to make it work. I thought it was okay for you. I thought you were okay."

Satoru was crying.

Satoru was crying.

You kept silent, overwhelmed by his reaction, by everything right know.

"Please just tell me."

Silence.

"Is it because of my work?"

"No, it's not." your voice was muffled.

"Is it..." he paused. "Because you found someone else?"

Your eyes widened at his words, suddenly speechless.

"Is it? Is that why you are saying all that stuff? I understand, but please just be honest-"

You couldn't help it you started laughing. And you knew it was cruel, Satoru was crying on your shoulder, but the situation of him thinking you loved someone else was just so absurd to you.

"Me?" You shook your head softly your laughter suddenly dying. "No."

"Then what-?" he stepped back collapsing into a chair. "Please just tell me." he repeated his voice breaking at the end.

"It's just-" you sighed, trying to relax your suddenly stiff body. "I don't want to keep you away from your happiness."

"What?!" his voice was loud again, making you focus on your cup of tea again. After he saw you flinching again, he lowered his voice trying to stay calm. "What do you mean by that?"

"You know."

"I don't."

"That meeting a couple months ago, I saw."

"What did you see?"

"Saw how you looked at her."

God, you wanted to die. It was so hard to speak right now. Every word felt like torture.

"And I don't want to stand between the two of you, just because you were forced into this."

Satoru kept silent after that. You felt his gaze burning into your head as you looked down at your tea.

"So please, just get it over with." you sniffed. Shit, when did the tears come?

Satoru stood up again, making his way over to you. And as he stood there, looking too into your tea, his arms slowly wrapped around you.

"I don't even like her."

"What?" you looked up, his face was suddenly only a couple of breaths away.

"I don't. And if that's the reason why you want to divorce me, could you please talk to me before falling into a overthinking spiral? You're torturing me here."

You blinked at him, stunned by the realization.

"If you really are unhappy with me I would understand, I would prefer to fix things, but I would understand. But I won't divorce you because of your self sacrificing tendencies."

You blinked at him again, starting to blush out of embarrassment. Shit, was this a big misunderstanding?

"You sure you really don't like her?"

"Yeah. I've got another crush you know." he sighed, his voice still strained from the crying. "She is really pretty but really hard to figure out even though I'm married to her."

Now you really blushed, your eyes widening more than you thought was possible. "What?"

"Yeah, it's kind of embarrassing really." he took your cup of tea and placed it on the counter next to you, to pull you really into him. "I have this big crush on my wife, how do I tell her?"

You were malfunctioning as he layed his head on your shoulder again, this time not out of frustration but because of the desire to be as close as possible. His whole frame hugging you.

"She has this soothing voice and pretty smile, but I hardly get to see her and I don't want to make her uncomfortable."

"Satoru, what-"

"And she keeps this distance, I don't know what to do because I want to get to know her for real, you know? Want her to like me and you know."

You felt a soft smile.

"Want her to ask for cuddles when I get back from a long mission. Or even better a ki-"

"Satoru are you drunk?" you were red and hot, you felt it.

He was grinning as he looked up, but there was something so vulnerable in it. "No, I'm not. I just-"

He sighed. "I don't want a divorce. And maybe it's selfish of me, but I want to know you. And I want you to know me."

You held you breath after that. And after a bit of hesitation you did wrap your arms around him too.

"Me too."

His arms held you tighter after that. "You don't want a divorce?"

"You aren't divorcing me?"

"No."

Guess that divorce wasn't happening.

[spidybaby]

Pls do one with Lando where reader is Piastri's sister, and they dont want to admit they are dating, but they got caught by Oscar

Red and Blue

Summary: After your brother forbid you from even thinking about anything with Lando, and after you denied having a relationship with Lando. Your brother finds out in the most random way.

Warnings: cursing.

A/N: There is a little bit of Oscar on this too... enjoy :*

If looks could kill, definitely Oscar's would kill Lando and you. He can't help but look at the two of you and try to discover if what he thinks is right or isn't.

You were laughing at something Lando was saying, the way you laugh too hard when the joke wasn't probably that funny got him thinking.

You've been denying that you and Lando have a thing. At first, he thought it was true and that Hattie was lying when she said that you had a crush on the British driver.

Oscar immediately forbid you from anything that has to do with Lando Norris, letting you know that he was not up to see you have a summer love with his team partner.

"Hey, Y/n!" Oscar calls you.

You turn to him, still smiling at Lando. "Yeah?"

"Can you help me with something?" He asks, walking inside of his driver room.

You walk inside, looking at him with a smile on your face. "What?" You ask.

"Can you come in and close the door?"

You nod, closing the door as you enter the room. You sat down next to him, a small smile in your face.

"Tell me, what's wrong?"

"I-" he doesn't even know what to say. "Mom asked me to tell you that you need to call her." He says, looking away.

You frown, you were just texting with your mother. Updating her on what was going on with Oscar.

"I'll do that." You say, opening your texts and texting her. "How are you? Nervous?" You ask him, giving him a hug. "You are going to be amazing."

"I always get nervous." He says, pouting while looking at you.

"It's okay, baby." You tight your hug. "You know you are amazing. We all are so proud of you, no matter the result of the quali."

"You promise?" He asks.

"I promise, we all are proud of you."

You stayed like that for a little bit. You make sure Oscar knows that you support him and that no matter what, you are going to be there for him.

You hear a knock on the door, Lando opens it and smiling at the two of you. "Ready?" He asks, giving Oscar a pat on the shoulder.

He gives you a kiss on the cheek. "Ready."

You smile at your brother, wishing him good luck on the quali. You know he'll do amazing, he is amazing and you trust his abilities.

When Oscar is out, you grab your charger, connecting your phone before going out. You hear the door closing behind you.

You turn, finding Lando rushing next to you. "What are you-"

He cuts you off with a quick kiss on the lips. Hands squishing your waist before rushing out, not wanting someone to find him there alone with you.

Lando and you were hiding the relationship you have from Oscar. After he forbid you from seeing him, you told him that it was not a good idea to actually try anything.

You wanted to respect your brother's wishes of not having anything with Lando, but Lando made it so hard.

He sent you messages every day and sent you gifts to your apartment. You were doubtful at first, not wanting to make your little brother mad.

Lando asked for one chance. If you didn't feel like what you have was right, then it was over, and he won't bother you anymore.

You agree, now you can say that was the right decision for you. He was the best, it was something that made you happy.

You both decide to hide it from Oscar and from the team. That way it was easier for them to be a team without any bad feelings.

You walk out right after lando, trying to act natural. Your flushed face is betraying you, but you grab a small fan that your litter gave you.

Using it and blaming the heat wave on your flushed face. You give Oscar a hug before getting inside the car.

You give Lando a high five, wishing him good luck. You watch them get inside their cars and prepare.

You look at the quali, happy that your brother was going to be first. The garage has this happy energy, making everybody smile.

Verstappen got the first place, making Oscar second and Landk third. You were still very happy with the results from both your boys.

"Oi, you fast boy." You give your brother a hug. "You did amazing, baby."

He hugs you tightly, happy that he got the P2. Even if Max got the P1, having the second was amazing for him.

"It's a P2, don't exaggerate." He jokes, giving your cheek a kiss. "Thanks, tho."

"Oscar," you scold him. "You did amazing, I'm not exaggerating."

He nods, walking away. You turn to see Lando, smiling at him. You are allowed to give him a hug as a congratulations.

"You did amazing too, I'm so proud." You hug him, happy that he got a P3. "I was rooting for you." You whisper, turning to the sides to see if anybody is watching. You grab his face and give him a kiss on the cheek. "I'm so happy."

"Thank you, gorgeous." He says, relaxing in your arms. "It feels good to be home and be P3."

You separate, hearing the voices of some of the team members. "Your family is here?"

"Yes, they are on the paddock with my manager."

You nod, smiling at him. "I saw you mom, but i just waved because it was crowded here." You say, walking with him to the rooms. "I'll see you later. I need to check him." You point at your brother's room.

You feel him grabbing your arm. "Can I see you tonight?" He whispers, letting you go as he sees two pits guys walking in the back.

"Oscar and I are going to dinner, then we are picking Lily. She is coming tonight." You say, walking to where your brother is. "I'll text you."

You walk inside Oscar's room. He was texting someone, the frown he had makes you feel a headache from how hard he was doing it.

"Relax, baby." You say to him. You place your hand to his head, using your thumb to smooth the area. "What's on your mind?"

"I'm hungry." He says, not even looking up. "Let's go back to the hotel."

You sigh, nodding at him. Getting to him was harder and harder, It's crazy how he used to be so easy to read, and now you feel like you don't understand him.

You help him with packing his stuff, making sure he won't leave his < must have >. You step outside to give him space to shower and change.

You let him be quiet the whole time you were in the car with him. He told you he was going to shower and get ready for dinner.

You let him have his space, going to your own room to get ready and take the sweat of the day out of your body.

You were almost ready when you got a text from Oscar, telling you that he might cancel and that he was going to pick his girlfriend alone.

You roll your eyes, knowing that was typical him. You texted your parents to let them know that you are at the hotel and that he was fine.

You text Lando, letting him know that your plans changed, and now you are free if he is still free to see you.

He is still free, waiting patiently for your call. He says he will walk to your room, but you say you'll go to his room because it's easier.

Plus, if your brother sees you, you can say you'll go somewhere else. You've done that before, so no problem.

When he opens the door, he grabs your arm, pulling you inside. You laugh at that, you crash into his chest.

He hugs you, giving your shoulder a kiss. "I missed you."

"We were together this morning."

"But it's not the same. You are usually away or with your brother." He pouts.

You grab his cheeks, giving him a peck on the lips. You love when he pouts, it makes him look adorable in your eyes.

"Now you have me all to yourself."

He smiles, lifting you and walking to the room with you. You laugh, wrapping your arms around his waist.

mclaren

❤️148 mil 💬649 ↗️8,752

mclaren A second-row seat at Silverstone for LN4! 👊

#McLaren #GoogleChrome #F1

"Let's go, ready for this?" Lily ask Oscar, giving him a high five and a hug. "Good luck, love you."

"Love you too." Oscar says. After a kiss, he moves to you. "Love you too." he chuckles, hugging you.

"You are going to be amazing, now go." You push him, smiling.

You walk outside with the excuse of using the bathroom. Lando was waiting for you at the exit entrance, when you find him you throw yourself in his arms.

"Good luck, baby." You say, giving him a few cheek kisses. "Don't tell anyone, but I hope you win." You whisper, giving him a kiss on the lips.

"I don't need good luck. You are my good luck." He says, kissing you back. "My lucky charm."

You stayed there, hugging and talking for a little bit. You separate, walking first as you find Lily. You grab her by the arm, walking towards the paddock.

You spend a good portion of the race in the paddock, then you move back to the garage. You get a pair of headsets for you and for Lily.

You were mad that Oscar got penalized, but you are not going to say anything because you can hear how mad he is already.

"It's okay. He can finish second." Lily smiles, giving you some hope. "I mean, a double podium is better than no podium."

You nod, still focus on the race. It was raining so you were worried about it. Your brother knows how to drive in the rain, but it was still something that makes you worry.

"I don't think the penalty before was very fair. I think we should swap back and race."

When you hear your brother saying that, you frown. Was he actually asking the team to tell Lando to swap his first place?

Even if Lando was just his teammate, you don't think that's a very smart thing to ask. Considering the fact that he's not right behind him, but a few seconds behind.

The race is over, Lando won the race at home. You are very happy for him, not being able to hold the smile on your face.

When the podium happens, you take a few videos and pictures. Only one of Oscar and a few of Lando.

You give the excuse of < oh, mom and dad are going to love this. > so it wouldn't look weird.

You wait for the interviews to be done. You feel weird because of the attitude of your brother, he has this blank face, careless aura that is making you mad.

He wasn't like that before, it was weird. Especially when you hear him say to Nico that the first trophy he got in 15 years was a Lego one that can be torn apart.

When they join back to their respective rooms, you let Lily and him talk. You stayed silent, fearing that if you say something it was going to be the wrong thing.

You don't text Lando right away. You let him have the fun and attention with his family. You can hear from the room next that they were happy celebrating.

"Gosh, can they shut up?" Oscar whisper, but you heard him.

"Can you calm down?" You ask, finally snapping. "What's up with you?"

He stays quiet, knowing that when you finally snaps it's not good. He was about to answer, but you interrupted him.

"Actually, don't say anything."

You walk out of the room, leaving him and Lily alone. You close the door, walking outside of the McLaren spot.

You just find a spot to rest and calm down. You don't want to lash out at him because he was also mad at himself already.

You walk back, wantin to just go to the hotek and rest. You find Lando talking with some of the pits guys.

"Thanks, see you guys." He quickly say his goodbyes to them. Walking to where you are, he smiles so hard you wonder if his cheeks hurt. "P1, baby." He whispers.

You open your arms, giving him a big hug. "You did amazing, baby." You whisper, hugging him like crazy. "I'm so happy, you are a winner."

"Come home with me, my mom is cooking, my sisters and brother are here for this. I want to have all the important people in my life with me tonight."

You nod, going back to the hug. You don't care if anybody sees, not even if your brother does. You are happy for Lando and that's all that matters.

"Y/n." Lily calls, you separate from Lando and turn. She waves at you to indicate that you need to go. "Congratulations!" She waves at Lando.

Lando waves back, saying a thank you. You turn, giving him another hug. "I'll be there. Text me the details."

You want to give him a kiss, but you'll save it for later. You walk to where Lily is, she extends her hand to you and you grab it.

"The weather is crazy." You say, checking the sky.

You join your brother inside of the car. He has this frown while looking at you. You dont even care about it, you are still mad at him.

Poor Lily tries to make conversation, you answer to her with short answers. You don't want to be rude, but you don't feel like talking.

Oscar is talking, but from time to time, he's looking at you with an angry face. You act like nothing is happening. Not wanting to get into a feud when Lily is in the car.

When you get to the Hotel, you ask her if it's okay to talk with your brother alone. She nods, already feeling the tension.

"What is wrong with you?" You ask, closing Oscar's door. "What you did back there is not okay."

"I can ask the same to you." He smiles, taking a seat on the bed. "You were all smiles for Norris, and in case you forgot, I'm your brother, not him."

"You are a gronk! You told Nico that his trophy was a Lego one, making fun of it. You ask for Lando to swap the position even when you were more than five seconds away from him. Then you act as if they are not entitled to celebrate with Lando-"

"I got fucking penalized, I got second when I was first, I'm not happy nor okay, you dipstick." He interrupts shouting.

You blink a few times, not sure if he thinks that he is able to curse everyone just because his race wasn't the way he wanted it to be.

"It's that what makes you act like an asshole?"

"Oh, sorry not to be you. Little Miss Perfect." He scuffs. "Sorry, I'm not you giving hugs to everybody, I'm not you being the happy cheerleader in the room."

"What is that even supposed to mean?" You ask, confused at his words.

"I'm your brother, I lost the race, and you are there acting as if Norris win was the best thing."

"This is his home, I'm being nice."

"He won at our home too. He's a fucking asshole."

"This is about how you can't act like this in front of your team or the world, Kid." You elevate your voice just like he did. "Are you insane? You look like a sore loser."

"I am a loser. I am a fucking loser, can't you see?"

You notice his eyes, they are full of tears. You walk closer to him, worried about this change.

"I fucked up, the fucking race was mine and I fucked up." He repeats, hyperventilating.

You soft your frown. He hides his face into his hands. You kneel down in front of him, grabbing his wrists.

"Oscar, don't cry." You say, taking his hands away from his face. "You are not a loser, it was a one bad race. If you look at your points, if you look at your last race, if you look at the season that you are having, it's the best."

"Lando was better, everybody is saying that."

"Forget about Lando, forget about the team, forget about the race. You know who you are. You know you have had amazing races, you know we all love you."

He nods, giving you a hug. You pat his back, whispering that you were there for him, that you love him.

"You need to apologize to Nico, to Lando, and with the team." You say to him, grabbing his cheeks. "You are better than this, kiddo."

He chuckles. "You call me kiddo as if we are not barely a year apart."

"Every month counts." You giggle. "I love you, never forget that. I think you are the best in the team, no matter how bad the race is."

"And I love you no matter if you sympathize with my teammate more than with me. It's okay. He actually did amazing."

You give him a hug, making sure your arms are tight around him. You needed him to understand that no matter if he wins or not, you know he's good.

"Okay, this is cringe." He says, separating. "I'm hungry."

You smile at that. "Why don't you and Lily go to dinner together and then see a movie or something." You suggest. "I'll stay here, you go have fun."

"Are you sure? We can all go to dinner."

"It's okay, baby." You smile at him. "You need her, and I need to sleep." You chuckle.

After a big hug, you went back to your room. You check your texts, Lando sent you the details about the dinner.

You pick an outfit that looks good for a family dinner, and it also looks good to go out in case you want to go with Lando to the club.

You feel nervous, you know his mom but only as Oscar's sister. Now you are going to meet her as Lando's girlfriend, that makes you feel uneasy.

What if she doesn't like you? Or maybe his sister's doesn't like you. Or maybe his father doesn't like you. Maybe even his grandma is going to hate you.

The sound of the door gets you out of your thoughts. You leave the makeup brush aside and walk to the door.

"Where are you going?" Oscar asks, walking inside of your room. "I like that outfit." He smiles.

"Thanks, I'll go out." You say, going back to your blush. "Aren't you supposed to be out too?"

"Lily wanted me to ask you again if you wanted to come."

You look over at him. "No, thank you. You can use that time to be with her."

You grab your phone to text Lando that you are almost ready. He wanted to know so he could send you a car to pick you up.

"Don't make Lily wait, go." You shush him out of your room. "I'll just go to dinner by myself."

"Hey, before I leave." He says, getting up and turning to you. "Lando asked me if I wanted to go to his party later, I said no, but that I would ask if you wanted to go."

You try to hide your smile. He was a very smart man, asking if your brother wanted to come as a way to make sure that if there's pictures, he knows why you are there.

"Sure," you nod, acting uninterested. "I can make the time."

"Good, I'll tell him then that you'll go." He says, opening the door. "If you need me, call me."

You nod, saying a quick bye. You try to be quick with finishing quickly because Lando told you he sent the car for you.

You do a last check before going downstairs. You make sure your makeup looks good, your perfume was on, you bag had what you needed.

You spend the whole trip to the Norris household being too nervous. You really want his parents to like you, even if you have talked with them or shared a dinner before.

"You are here!" He says, giving you a hug. "Mom is so excited to see you."

Lando intertwined your fingers, pulling you towards the house. When you walk inside, you notice his family having a blast.

They decorated with his neon color and his pattern. You smile at the pictures they hung on the wall.

"Mom!"

His mom turns to where he is, noticing the two of you. She smiles, walking over to where you are.

"You know Y/n, she's Oscar's sister." He says, smiling at you. "She's also the girl that I was talking about. The one I'm dating."

His mom smile is bigger now, she embrace you into a hug. You return the hug with excitement. "We are so happy to have you here. Please come in. We were waiting for you, Lando talked a lot about you, only good things. I promise."

"It's nice to see you again, this looks amazing. Lando is very lucky to have you."

"Oh, we are lucky to have him." She says, making him blush. "But don't stand there, we have drinks, we have food and some desserts."

She grabs your arm, walking you to where some family members are. She's introducing you to the family, telling everyone that you are Lando's girlfriend.

Lando's plan was over the moment your mother grabbed you by the arm. You are now talking to his grandma, who was serving you food, saying that you needed to try it.

You look over at him, seating with his friends but looking at you. You smile at him, lifting your plate a little bit to show him.

You spend a good time with his mother and grandma. His grandma even took the time to show you the hall of pictures.

"Okay, I think that's enough talking of me. She's probably tired, grandma."

His grandma smiled, nodding and leaving you two alone. She told you before leaving that if you needed to see more pictures, to call her over.

"You look adorable." You say, checking the picture on the wall. "How old were you?"

He hugs you, giving your cheek a kiss. "I was twelve, crazy years."

"I love your family." You confess, taking a look around. They were all laughing, having fun, they were there for him. "They love you so much."

"I can call myself lucky." He smiles. "Now with you here, I have the whole package."

You give him a peck and hug him. Resting your head on his shoulder. "Your mom told me a story of how you used to be scared of clowns." You chuckle.

"Dammit."

mclaren

❤️60.5 mil 💬164 ↗️160

mclaren So, about yesterday 🏆

#McLaren #GoogleChrome #F1

"Look what I got us!" Oscar says, getting inside the dressing room. "It's a blue ice block." He smiles, giving it to him.

You smile, thanking him. Lando walks to the room, eating his popsicle with a smile.

"They found a strawberry one, the last one." He says, taking a seat on his makeup chair. "This was fun."

You let them speak, you are too tired to care. All you needed was your own bed and your own space.

You've been with Oscar between races for over two months. You needed to go back to your life and to do your own thing.

The good thing is that you both live in Monaco, so it's not like you have to go back to Australia. Also the fact that you live in Monaco is good because that way Lando and you can spend more time together between races too.

"I want sushi." Oscar says, thinking about lunch.

Lando makes a face, making you chuckle. You know he hates anything with fish, especially sushi.

"We should all go to lunch together, maybe not a sushi place because you hate it." Oscar suggested. "I'll make a reservation."

You shake your head, finding funny how Oscar is now in a better mood than the last past weeks. He's a ray of sunshine, feeling happy all day and all night.

"Your mouth is blue." He says, pointing at you. "Mine is too."

"We look like aliens now." You joke, poking his side.

"Lando is the only normal one, his mouth is red."

"I look like someone who just apply red lip gloss." He jokes, making Oscar laugh.

"Hey, I'm getting some water. Do you want some?" You ask them, getting up.

"Oh, maybe a drink, please." Your brother smiles.

"I'll with you." Lando says, getting up from the chair.

As soon as you close the door of the dressing room, you feel how he grabs your arm. He walks with you, leading the way to the other dressing room he knows its empty.

"What are we doing here?" You ask, watching him close the door.

He grabs you by the arms, pulling you into his chest. He smiles at you before giving you a kiss. You kiss him back almost instantly, enjoying the warmth of his body.

You pass your arms behind his head, one hand locks on the back of his head, messing his hair. You love feeling his curls, you love messing them and pull them just a little bit.

You hate when the air runs low, it makes you separate form him. You groan at the feeling of his lips leaving you.

"I'll miss you." He whispers, kissing your collarbone.

"We'll see each other in like four days." You whisper, kissing his head. "I miss you too." You say, trying to hide the smile that's growing on you.

He lifts his head, giving you another kiss. You whimper when he leaves the kiss too quickly for your like.

"Let's go back, I don't want anyone walking here and finding us."

You help him fix his hair, giving him a few small kisses. You smile at him before going out, you make sure nobody is looking.

You walk to the table they have for them, picking your brother the drink he wanted, grabbing a bottle of water for yourself.

"Oh, hi!" He says, bad acting as if he just finds you there. "Long time no see, how are you? Is that a bottle of water? What a coincidence, I actually need one too." He says, teasing you.

You roll your eyes in a playful mode, passing him the bottle. You turn back to the dressing room, finding your brother exactly where you left him.

"Here!"

You sat down next to him, opening your phone to see tik tok. Lando stayed outside, talking with the pr girl.

"I'm hungry." Oscar pouts.

"Did you make the reservation?"

He nods, getting up and walking to the mirror. He was checking if his hair was good.

"Your mouth is purple."

"Wow," you reply, uninterested.

You are focusing on a text message from your friends. Reading through the thread of messages on the group chat.

Lando walks inside the room, letting you know that they don't need to film anything else or take any more pictures.

Oscar was happy, he let out a happy sound and walked over to his toiletrie bag. You finish with your

"You ready?" You ask, getting up and walking to him. You help him with packing the few things he has outside. "Let's go!"

He nods, walking with you. He was on his phone texting his girlfriend, barely paying attention.

"I want pasta." You pout, opening the car door. "Don't you want some pizza or something? We had sushi last night."

"You know I love sushi."

You know Lando hates sushi with his heart. He even refused to kiss you even when you promised that you brushed your teeth like five times.

"Can you text Lando and let him know where we are." He says, handing you the phone.

You do that, texting Lando the address of the restaurant so he can get there on his own. You open Spotify and put some music.

"Since when do you like Martin Garrix?" He asks, turning the volume up. "Love this song."

You liked Martin Garrix thanks to Lando playing his music all the time.

"I know you love this song." You say as if it's obvious.

Oscar believes you, smiling at how well you know him. He spends the drive singing the songs that the Playlist has.

When you get to the restaurant, you are still with the idea of ordering pasta. Not wanting your boyfriend to have an excuse not to kiss you.

Lando came to the restaurant ten minutes later, you smile at him when he picked the chair in front of yours.

"You forgot this." He says, handing you your shades.

"Thank you." You say, grabbing them back. "Are you guys ordering anything special?" You ask them both.

Oscar just shakes his head, eyes wandering around the menu. Lando explains that sometimes he asks for plain pasta because of being good.

You make a little conversation with him. He was talking about this monster drink of his. You roll your eyes at little. He wanted you to try it, but you refused, saying that energy drinks get you too anxious.

"Hey, is Hattie coming tonight?" Oscar asks.

"Yes, she's coming tonight." You smile, happy that your sister is going to join you.

When the waiter comes with the drink order, you notice that Oscar drink went from blue to purple.

"Your drink is purple." You point, confused at why it changed colors. "I thought it was blue."

"It was." He giggles, loving your confused face. "It changed colors."

"How?"

"Well." Oscar thinks for a moment, not knowing how to explain it.

"It's the red that was on top. You mixed the red and the blue, and that makes purple." Lando explains.

You look at the drink surprised. Oscar nodded, turning to look at your and then at Lando. He did that a good three times.

You are obnoxious with this, paying too much mind to other things. Lando was too focused on other things too.

You spend the rest of the lunch eating and talking. You love seeing Oscar and Lando talking. Especially after the way Oscar felt spring this past races.

"I think we should order a dessert." Oscar suggested.

"I'm too full." You say, lifting your hand. "I'm out."

"Yeah, I'm out too." Lando says, dropping his fork in a dramatic way. "I can't."

"You ruin my vibe." He says, pouting. "Then let's pay and get out of here." He says, lifting his hand to call the waiter.

You arrive at the Hilton, you were tired and sleepy because of how full you were. Your brother and Lando were talking about the trials they needed to do.

"Oh, guys, I wanted to tell you something." Oscar says to the two of you.

You both pause, looking at him attentive. He had this smirk on his face, looking like he wants to laugh.

"I know about you too." He says, smiling.

You feel your cheeks light up. You turn to see Lando, his eyes are open to the maximum.

"What -" You chuckle nervously. "What do you mean?"

"You are really terrible actors." He giggles, turning and walking to his room. "You ate a red ice block, and you ate a blue one. Coincidentally, you go together for a snack that takes more than twenty minutes when you only came back with plain water, but your mouth was purple."

You open your mouth, not knowing you guys were that obvious. You hear Lando giggle next to you. You turn and hit his arm playfully.

"Oh, and the team has a betting on you two." He laughs before closing the door of his room.

You turn to Lando, your mouth is in a < o > shape, you want to laugh, but you are too speechless for that.

"So, want to see a movie with me?" He asks, not sure of what else to say.

"Shut up and come here." You giggle, giving him a kiss. "I can't believe it, all this hiding just for a popsicle to ruin it." You laugh.

"Good news is." He says in a very dramatic way, making a much more dramatic pause. "We don't have to hide anymore." He says, laughing. He pulls you while walking towards his room.

"What am I paying with you?" You joke, laughing at him.

"Don't know, but you love it."

"Sadly, I do."

[effieotto]

when Haymitch says that Proserpina wasn’t a bad person, but just extremely clueless, he backs his argument by saying that she wasn’t evil, she just had a lot of things to unlearn. which is a funny choice of words, cause while Katniss see her team as dumb kiddos, who couldn’t know any better because they simply didn’t have the brains to do so, haymitch doesn’t see their problem as a lack of education. actually, by saying she had a lot of things to unlearn, instead of arguing that she wasn’t very bright and needed to learn better, he’s subtly recognizing that the crux of the problem is not necessarily the quality of the education or how much capable those people were to absorb it, but how biased their system is in stimulating the critical process of their children. the capitol’s strategy was to corrupt their minds with the strongest and most efficient method of brainwashing —they held total power of how further their children could go in terms of knowledge. they manipulated the truth, made up scenarios and changed narratives so they could force them into unnoticed submission.

Intelectual control is the best way to make sure your people won’t start questioning your methods, cause as long as they don’t know any different, they don’t have anything to compare you to. and if you can hold the power of how much of the reality they know, you can easily control their natural desire for change…

and saying they are like that because they are child-like dumb is pushing them way too shallow into the conversation. the point of the capitol isn’t the lack of education. the problem is how much their academic influence aren’t used as a tool of ideology control. the smartest folk at school will still look up at the games as a blessing for the community, because snow’s intention was to efficiently erase the reality off their brains so they can work in his favor. so as long as you don’t have a reason to think out of the ordinary, due to some specific experience, or has the means and desire to educate yourself against what the common sense says, you won’t go any further…

and it’s fun cause most of those people wouldn’t even try to go out of the box, because that system was comfortable for them. if your choice is either to be starved in a war or to be comfy with your family in your three stores mansion, eating shrimps and going to parties in your fancy clothes at weekends, and the price for it is just to watch, for a week every year, twenty-four unknown children sacrificing themselves for the cause (which most of the people in the capitol believed to be a privilege to them, since that was the propaganda the tributes had to sell during interviews —which is another can of worms i am not going to open now), why would you want it to end? if all the government asks you in exchange for your protection is to be in line and don’t let your mind wonder to uncomfortable thoughts you didn’t even want to visit anyway, why would you? that’s the world you’ve been living on since ever, you don’t know anything else. in school they teach you that’s the only normal and you don’t have anything else saying it isn’t, so why would you feel bad? at home your mom and dad tells you the games are fun, so why wouldn’t you think they’re fun? should you feel bad just because you were lucky to be born in the capitol? that’s not your fault, that’s just what it is. if the districts choose to revolt years ago and then lost the war, that’s their fault, not urs

As Katniss says herself:

“In fact, all three are so readily respectful and nice to my mother that I feel bad about how I go around feeling so superior to them. Who knows who I would be or what I would talk about if I'd been raised in the Capitol? Maybe my biggest regret would be having feathered costumes at my birthday party, too” Catching fire, page 46

my question is, in this line of responsibility, where the submission ends and the oppression begins? if we can’t blame them for the way they think, because of how much knowledge they were granted by snow’s tendency of masking the reality, can we blame them for not realizing sooner that it was wrong? and not being to blame for the ideals that were carved into their scowl, does exonerate them from their actions?

i don’t know, those people are just so interesting

[and to be clear, i am not talking about the high classes of the capitol. it’s implied that those who’d access to real information, either from somehow being related into politics or for fitting the category of sponsors who were more or less involved in the underground political process of the victors lives, are part of a limited range of people! the majority of the capitol, though still extremely problematic, weren’t granted a close view to the backstage, thus most of their knowledge about it came exclusively through Snow and his controlled, manipulated narratives]

[heyhoneyfox]

Okay so. I just ended a nearly 2 year long relationship. It was not healthy when it ended, despite the love and the memories we shared.

We were both abused in the past and terrified of becoming abusive because of it. Even though we actively tried to resist our tendencies, we still ended up hurting each other. I knew it had to end it, since it was destroying us both, but it still hurt so much.

Then I got shit faced drunk and watched Kpop Demon Hunters.

Needless to say it was. A lot.

I know the theme is probably not intended to be abuse.

But man. "The patterns" as a metaphor for the damage that has shaped us into demons. The way that Rumi wanted to save Jinu. The way that he saw her patterns and tried to help her cover them up rather than ridiculing her like a human might. The way that Gwi-Ma tried to depict himself as a savior, only to harm and abuse until the people who dedicated themselves to him became just like him.

And then there's the contrast between Jinu and Rumi. She's so desperate to hide what she is, he's given up on trying to hide it despite his shame for it. She covers her patterns with clothes, he covers his with illusions. She was born with demon blood in her, he only ended up a demon because of his circumstances.

And the fact that the demons are depicted as more than just ruthless killers. You think that they want to be this way, bound to their abuser no matter how far they may be from him, doing his bidding whether they realise it or not? They're not heartless, their hearts are aching harder than ever, but the last time they let someone see that, the aftermath turned them into the monsters that they are. So they put up walls, they fight, they kill, all for the sake of protecting themselves from harm. They don't want to be like this, but what choice do they have?

And we saw this in Jinu and Rumi. Rumi lashing out and immediately being horrified at how the red emanated from her like a disease. Jinu telling her the truth about his past in anger as his guilt ate him alive. If only he was like her, loved and supported, born into this life rather than choosing it. If only she was like him, uncaring of how people viewed her, confident and able despite the curse that burdened him.

And the memories. Gods, the memories.

Jinu chose this path without knowing the harm it would do, feeling that he was in paradise for the first little while as his soul was being bound to a monster. And he didn't even realise how horrible things really were until there was an irreparable rift between him and his family made by the man who had promised to save him. And those are the memories that hurt the most, despite everything else that happened; the memories of his mother and sister being dragged away, the knowledge that he had done that to them.

Then there's Rumi, who was always burdened by the memory of how often she was told as a child that she could never show others these patterns, and how those words stuck with her for years. Maybe she didn't blame herself, but she was still horrified at the patterns that slowly consumed her, still terrified of how bad they would get if she didn't fix them. She was so desperate to get rid of them, because maybe then, she could lead a normal life. Maybe, if she just buried those memories, those patterns, she would be properly loved and everything would be okay.

But in the end, the patterns don't disappear, they just turn lighter, softer. Despite the fact that she couldn't get rid of them like she wanted to, she dresses as though they're not even there, because she's no longer scared of the control they once had over her, and she's no longer ashamed of the patterns that she has no control over.

And even though Jinu doesn't make it in the end, he's free, and as he dies, we see that he isn't afraid. He got to remember what it was like to be loved, to forget about the voices that plagued him, and best of all, he got to stand up to his abuser. She couldn't save him, but he doesn't mind. How could he, when he got to meet her?

Idk man. I'm emotional over this. I just think that everyone who relates to Jinu and/or Rumi should get a big hug right now.

[vampimich]

About Lea and her apprentices

----- LIES OF P OVERTURE SPOILERS -----

I remember when the first impressions of the DLC came out (alongside the early spoilers), I saw a few comments saying that Lea only cared about Romeo as her apprentice and that basically that she didn’t actually care about Carlo.

And I’m ngl, as I played through Overture, I was dying inside because she barely mentioned Carlo at all. But after the ending, oh, that painful ending, I saw just how deeply she loved him.

And I just wanted to yap about that.

Just hearing Lea’s recollection from her room in the Eventide Hotel was enough for me to understand the depth of her love for him.

She talks about how much she appreciated the company of both of them; the happy moments they shared together. But I’m sure that after she broke ties with the Monad family, everything became pitch black for her.

She left them, thinking that by doing so, they’d be safe from the abyss she herself had fallen into… only to find Carlo dead soon after.

From everything Neowiz gave us, the letters, the voice lines, the recollections, the Record , it’s clear just how much she loved them both.

I can only imagine the devastation she felt when she found Carlo’s lifeless, pale body. The guilt. The anger. The grief.

Her depression after leaving the Monad family was so strong that she pushed away the people who had become her found family. But losing Carlo was a different kind of pain. So unbearable and crushing that she could no longer isolate herself. She had to come back. She had to protect Romeo from suffering the same fate as her youngest apprentice.

These were her children. Her feisty, hyperactive, kind, and silly children. Because that’s what they were to her,  just as she once was to Valentinus.

“The feelings inside me as I watch my apprentices grow make me wonder if you felt the same way gazing at me.”

I don’t know if she saw herself as their mother, but she took them in. Trained them. Fed them. Gave them a roof over their heads. And the three of them shared so many wonderful moments, not just as stalkers or teacher and students, but as friends. As family.

She watched them grow. She felt happiness and pride at their progress. They were both so, so dear to her.

And if I may theorize a little, maybe Carlo accepted the Alchemists’ invitation to the Devil’s Pit in hopes of helping Lea. Maybe he wanted to find out what was really going on between the Alchemists and Valentinus.

If Lea was so depressed that she distanced herself from both her families, then something bad must’ve been happening. And Carlo, with his likely abandonment issues, wouldn’t have stood by and done nothing.

He wasn’t going to lose anyone else.

And that determination led him straight to his death.

So now Lea was afraid. Terrified. She was struck with the realization that she hadn’t made the most of her time with Carlo. And if she wasn’t careful, she was going to lose Romeo too.

She couldn’t let that happen again.

That’s why she was so overprotective of her last remaining apprentice. Her need to find and save Romeo almost felt like an obsession, but how can we blame her, after losing Carlo like that?

After losing him in such a terrible, cruel way?

And of course she mourned him, and continued to do so. She said every time she played Survivor, she thought of him.

It must have been painful just to look at the picture of the three of them. Or the painting. But she had to keep going. Because Romeo was still alive. He needed her, now more than ever, because he too had lost Carlo and was devastated.

Carlo couldn’t be saved anymore. But Romeo could. And if there was anything Lea could do to avoid having her heart broken like that again, she would do it, even if it meant giving her life away.

Besides, I think she was more at peace because she knew she was dying. She’d be able to see Carlo soon. So it’s not that she didn’t miss him, or only cared about Romeo, but things were already in motion. Romeo could still live, and she would soon be reunited with Carlo and make up for the time she couldn’t be by his side.

They really were a family. And it hurts so much that the three of them ended the way they did. But if anything, P was able to give them closure in his own way. Because in the end, they all got to meet one last time under the dawn. 🥺

[xxfangirl365xx]

just some thoughts on "MAMA" given the new lore he have (just random lol)

to be honest, I feel Mama might be the MOST inportant song going with the lore...It was one of the more theatrical songs from the show. The new lyrics,Maryanne,the computers in the background,the "child" G had...idk all of it was CRAZY (in the best way)

In my opinion mama has always felt like a desperate cry. Ik it's kinda like mother war and not an actual "mother" but I cannot help but think it's half mother war and half a fictional mother. (if that makes sense)

as we know the black parade has some pretty deep routed war themes and this new lore is making them even stronger. a son writing a letter home to their mother to explain how they will not get into heaven due to the horrible deeds they have committed and how ashamed they are of them.

With the new lore it almost feels as if G is also talking about the horrible deeds they have committed (maybe even guilt for the "election" they hosted earlier)

"mama were all gonna die" because they are now aware of their governments wrong doings and is coming out of the fog to realize this, that the dictator is taking innocent people out, and they are prob next.

it's almost like a final letter "mom, I'm not coming home, this is the end of the line. You don't need to know why but This is it."

and the "when we go don't blame us! we'll let the fire just bathe us! you made us oh so famous"

didn't the black parade "die" in a fire?

saying "it's not us. we did not die by something we did, someone else had a hand in it, but hey, at least we went out famous"

"mama we're all full of lies" that's a given. They were lied to and lied themselves about this whole ordeal

"and right now their building a coffin your size." it's almost like a "they got me, they r gonna come for you next by association from me"

"well mother what the war did to my legs and to my tongue"

this line has always stuck me as like they were injured in the war and the "tongue" reminds me of things like from the bible of "don't let your tongue speak evil" type of things yk?

so basically like "the war rly messed me up"

"you should have raised a baby girl, I should have been a better son"

regrets from both sides.

"mama" saying "if I had a baby girl, they would not have had to go to war and this would have never happened"

G/the parader saying "I should have been a better son for you!" like regrets of things not done

"she said you aint no son of mine! for what you've done, their gonna find, a place for you and just you mind you manners when you go"

she's mad, prob more of a guilt/grief mad that her son has turned into something "evil" or "wicked" from the war (idk if that makes sense but yk?) like she's horrified and angry at the things he has done. ashamed.

but the mind your manners thing I RLY like just angry but still being a mother like "how could you!" and "behave wherever they take you!"

ALSO

it could be the mother falling for the propaganda herself yk? like she reads the letter is is like "well maybe he deserves this! If he was doing something against orders. "they r gonna find a place for you for what you've done!" almost like "you deserve to be taken away for (whatever tha case may be)

"dont return to me my love"

like "don't ever come back! I don't want to see you again" kinda deal

"it's rly quite pleasant except for the smell"

the MOAT perhaps? He knows they r gonna go back to the MOAT or be killed

maybe trying to comfort her like "hey it smells but...it's not that bad mom"

then it turns into the rly "angry part" where he's just screaming "mama!"

"and if you would call me your sweetheart, I'd maybe than sing you a song" the mom is like reminiscing on how when they were little she would sing to them (maybe idk too much here)

and then G retaliate with the "but the shirt that I've done with this fuck of a gun you would cry out your eyes all along!" like "you shouldn't actually see me now. You would be horrified to see me and know what I've done

further pushing away his mother

this is rly interesting to me

"were damned after all! through fortune and flame we fall!"

again giving the black parade was famous,had status and then "died" in the fire to hide the fact they were in the moat

"and if you can say that I'll show you the way to return from the ashes you call"

again, they didn't actually die so "rise from the ashes" they were alive and rose back to some form of power as the black parade.

"we all carry on! when our brothers in arms are gone! so raise your glass high for tomorrow we die and return from the ashes you call"

again. this ties in a lot of recent lore for me.

The war theme. Now we know danger days and Black parade are more connected I am pretty sure revenge is tied in more. Mikey's medal for "dying" Ray has a red sash for being a medic...

and raise your glass high

ghost of you MV where they r at the bar...before the fight...where Mikey dies

they quite literally have a toast...raising their glasses high

at the end of mama u hear the mother crying. realizing the fate of her child.

I really strongly believe...somehow..

the universe where DRAAG is, is where people who maybe have died already go. That would explain the military themes and why the org.lore for black parade was they r where the patient goes when he dies.Maybe like a middle ground, not heaven,not hell.

they all died in the war, then took the role of having a band (which they did in ghost of you) and became the black parade.

long story short. This song connects revenge to black parade. Which then also connects it to the current lore we have.

idk if this makes ANY sense at all chat I'm gonna be SO real with you haha.

Let me know what u think :D

[martinblackwoodhaterfan]

Non-hateful Martin rant on the Martin hate account??? I bet yall didn't see this one coming. Under the cut for length

Martin, like literally every other TMA character, is morally grey. He thinks of himself as a "good guy", sure, but that's exactly why he isn't all that "good"- it means he will support everyone who agrees with him, and look down on people who, according to his perception of 'good' and 'evil', are on the "bad" side. This way of viewing things, that categorizing everything into "right" and "wrong" and putting himself on the "right" side no matter what, is in certain situations both a strength and a flaw of Martin's.

He has his moments: he's shown to be very helpful and caring, his uncomplicated way of viewing everything means he will fiercely protect his friends no matter what, just like he did when Jon was accused of murder and when he defended Jon's odd behaviour to Tim; but this simplistic way of thinking means he can be unintentionally cruel and harmful to those around him even when he has their best interest in mind: in season 5 him being very vocal and harsh in his hatred for avatars caused him to be also (subconsciously? Or purposefully?) cruel to Jon, whom he claimed he dearly loved.

But the vast majority of his fans don't allow him to be actually, consequentially fucked up. Most fan posts talking about him repeat a variation of "Martin is my fucked up pookie!" Why do you think that? "Cause he wants avatars to die haha! He's so sneaky, everyone thought he was a softie but he craves violence! He's such a cunning manipulator! Go my bloodthirsty king, he deserves a gun!"

First of all, that's not really what happenned, but I'm not here to quote canon to you. Second of all, this isn't at all what I had in mind when making this post. You see, all the things I mentioned in the previous paragraph are perfectly "excusable". It's fiction, so the severity of the character's actions do not matter, and on top of that the emotional aspect of fantasy murder and violence is foreign to the audience. You're not gonna be personally affected if your blorbo kills off a bunch of no-name characters in the story they're in. You know the act is theoretically "bad" and whatever, but it's not real, it's a reocurring event in this particular podcast, and the story itself treats it lightly, so why should you care?

My issue is that Martin has a lot of everyday-ish, human flaws that hit way closer to home, but are almost never acknowledged by his fanbase. I don't care that he wants to kill, that's really nothing new considering how all the other characters are. I care about his personality and canon characterization. I care about the ways in which his behaviour impacted other characters in the story, and I care about the fact that these effect were not always positive. Martin fans are eager to accept that he was okay with murder, but they never acknowledge him being passive-aggressive, or toxic, or selfish, or close-minded. Those characteristics aren't all he is, and they obviously aren't his defining traits, but they are a significant part of him as a whole. If you choose to ignore them, then all you're left with is a stereotypical "soft cute cinammon roll" with Martin's name and foggy aesthetics slapped on it. No connection to canon whatsoever. He's essentially become an empty shell.

His problem is that he chooses to ignore things that make him uncomfortable because he's scared of the responsibility that comes with acknowledging them. He feels like he should stand up for himself but he hates himself at the same time, so it results in him pushing away everyone he cares for and then blaming himself while not changing his behaviour, because he finds comfort in loneliness, because it's what he's familiar with. Because it's always been like this for him, and he doesn't have the strength to actually change something for once. It's easier for him to maintain surface level relationships with people and not let them get close enough to form an opinion on him other than "he's a nice guy who tries his best I guess".

He himself said that offering tea as a blanket solution for people's problems is easier than actually getting to the root of the issue. If he just makes that person some tea, technically it does nothing good but they can't blame him for not helping. The whole let-me-bring-you-some-tea thing was Martin avoiding serious conversations while maintaining his image as a kind and helpful guy.

He can sympathize but not empathize, he relates to things that he personally experienced before but can't really put himself in another person's shoes. He can be very hardworking and responsible, but he can also be childish and avoidant, especially when it would mean he has to take responsibility for something. He has a very strong sense of justice, but his morals are based on a very childish perception of the world around him - "cops are supposed to be good, avatars are supposed to be bad" - he separates the world into "good" and "bad" categories without accepting the possibility of exceptions to that rule - you're either with him or against him, you're either good or bad; he doesn't allow the possibility that it depends.

All of those biases and his childishness and his internal conflicts and his season 5 assholery make him equally interesting and unbearably annoying and that's highkey awesome. Even if I don't like the season 5 development and think it's shallow I can still acknowledge that it has potential. But you people focus only on his depression and self esteem issues and pity him like he's a little child. Baby that man can live on his own just fine lmao. Everyone in this podcast is depressed you just find his experience deserving more pity than all the others cause you relate to him as an introvert with a shitty parent. Let him be inexcusably messed up let him be awful let him be flawed in other ways than "poor depressed bean filled with self-hate aww". Jon isn't the only one who's fucked up. Martin didn't match his freak but he nearly surpassed him in personal problems and I'm sick and tired of people portraying him as Jon's selfless pure-hearted savior. Where's my canonical toxic codependence?????

[thats-the-biz-babe]

my final(ish) thoughts on 8x06/confessions/the break up (and tommy's pov):

so obviously my initial reaction when 8x06 aired was to go. okay. this is the most stupid break up of all time. nothing about this makes any sense (*sobs*). this is still true, and i'll say for the most part i just have to put it down to bad writing. but it's canon regardless, so we have no choice but to take what we're given lol. if anything this serves as proof of why arguing about who is really to blame for this whole thing is pointless.

i'm sure this isn't news, but the problem with confessions as an episode overall is that it brings up so many questions and proceeds to answer none of them. i'm not gonna answer them either, because i'd be lying if i said i knew, but i have some ideas so i'm gonna talk about my thoughts on it anyway, including the areas that i think are the biggest offenders for shitty writing.

if this comes across as more sympathetic to tommy's perspective, it's because it's his pov that we're missing the most context for / that i have the most questions about (bc he's not a main character). so that's going to be the focus here, but this isn't intended as a criticism of buck whatsoever. and yeah, a lot of this has definitely already been said, but i wanted to compile my thoughts on everything before we go into season 9. and hopefully we get a reconciliation, even if it is half-arsed and we don't get any resolution or even explanation for their initial conflict (not holding my breath, especially after they tried to retcon the whole thing in 8x11).

i love bucktommy, we know this (i hope?). i think they're perfect together and they love each other and they should get back together and get married and buy a house together yadda yadda yadda. however, one of my biggest criticisms of their story line is we really didn't get to see much of them when they were actually dating. there were a few (super sweet) moments we did get shown on screen, especially in masks (so right before they broke up) but as often is the case with this show, we were left to fill in a lot of gaps. we really don't know what point they were at pre-breakup because after they got together their relationship was more or less neglected on screen. most of it happened during the hiatus, and they can't focus ALL their time on them (this isn't the bucktommy show after all). but any guesses as to what they were like as a couple are just that, guesses. did it feel like it had started to develop into something more serious at that point? or was it still early stages? what pace were they actually going at?

an example of what i mean is at the anniversary dinner, buck was checking out those girls in front of tommy, and when they flirted with him he didn't tell them he was on a date. he looked pretty guilty about it too, but whether or not it was just supposed to be generally over the fact that he was checking them out (hence tommy reassuring him), i don't know. maybe it was because he knew he was supposed to correct them, but he obviously didn't feel comfortable doing it for whatever reason? this isn't entirely relevant, but i always wonder whether it was supposed to be a really clumsy way of reminding the audience that he's bisexual (screaming at you: he still likes women!!! even though he's with a man!!!) i mean it would be better if they just used the fucking word...

anyway, what we also don't know is whether this was a common occurrence, we know buck is out to the people closest to him at this point but how does he act in public around strangers? is he still uncomfortable being seen out with a man? can tommy sense his reluctance / hesitation at holding his hand when they're out together? does buck correct people when they assume him and tommy are friends? he was a lot more openly affectionate at the coffee date, so i like to think that after that he was okay. but realistically, him grabbing tommy's hand to prove to him that he's ready in the moment doesn't actually mean all his discomfort is suddenly gone or that he won't still struggle in the future. who knows.

this part is purely speculation based on what i know about tommy, but i can imagine that not being something he wants to push buck on for fear of making him uncomfortable. so as long as he doesn't go back into first date territory, how much would tommy let slide? the impression i have is that he doesn't see the things he wants and needs to be any where near as much of a priority, especially in a relationship he doesn't think will last. it's all about buck's pace, not making him uncomfortable or pressuring him before he's ready. does tommy ever ask for anything? if that was what they were trying to do, the writers didn't exactly do a convincing job in showing us a relationship that was equally balanced.

this isn't me accusing buck of any of these things, and if it is true i definitely don't think it was intentional on his part. i don't think he was a bad boyfriend, and it was tommy's responsibility as much as his to express how he was feeling and what he wanted (buck isn't a psychic!!). it was an active choice on tommy's part to play the role of the "perfect starter boyfriend" for buck and not put himself into a position where he gets too invested (which didn't work, clearly). but my point is that we have no idea whether things like this were a one off or not. we only really see tommy taking care of buck and not vice versa, but i won't dwell on it too much because at the end of the day buck is the main and they only have so much time on screen with each other.

another example is we also have no idea whether buck has called himself bisexual off screen at this point. not that he is required to label himself, but was the conversation they had at the anniversary dinner the first time they broached the topic of sexuality since they got together? it certainly seems likely that they didn't ever go deep into it before considering what that conversation onscreen entailed. they had takeout the night before, they were obviously spending a lot of time together, so what went wrong? (looking for an answer other than "they spent the whole time fucking" preferably lol)

asking tommy if he had ever been with a woman was weird (they did sort of touch on that during their first date), so did they never talk about dating history again in the six months they were together? tommy never mentioned being engaged before? he didn't seem reluctant to give that info up, he wasn't exactly hiding it, and it seems even stranger that buck never mentioned abby in all that time considering she was so influential to him, especially with the whole buck 1.0 -> 2.0 thing. buck also implies to eddie that he know's tommy's gay in 7x05, but it comes up again at the anniversary date like he doesn't know, and it's a strange thing to not have established already given they're six months in. sure, asking tommy why he wasn't checking out those women doesn't necessarily mean he didn't know that he's fully gay, it was probably just the opening he chose to get to the second question. but it seemed like a strange way to go about it when they could've just had him ask about tommy's past relationships / relationships with women straight up. then again this is tv and people can't just have conversations, they have to be triggered by something else (sigh). there's just so many better ways i can think of to naturally bring up the topic of exes, they do it in 7x04. anyway, buck says in season 7 that he wants to get to know tommy, but it does make you wonder how much they did actually get to know each other once they got the chance.

again, i'm fully aware that a lot of what the episode comes down to is lazy writing because they were just trying to get from point a to point b and the easiest way they found to do that was buck checking out women -> notices tommy isn't -> asks him why -> tommy says he's gay -> buck asks if he's ever been with a woman -> abby reveal -> buck spirals -> josh convo -> break up. you can say "oh but it doesn't matter because the writers clearly didn't think this far and any explanation you come up with won't actually be what they intended". true, but the fact is that that IS what happened canonically, and i feel like if i'm gonna meta any of this show i have to meta all of it, even the parts that don't make sense (and i'm having fun, sue me). if nothing else this stuff is interesting to delve into and fix in fanfic world. and yes... this also isn't exclusive to bucktommy. madney and bathena at the very least have had similar issues. athena didn't even know bobby's mother was still alive until recently after being married to him for years. i'd love to see them stop trying to manufacture cheap drama and do something substantial with the characters (if you need ideas, i'm right here tim) but we all know that's not gonna happen (sigh).

none of what i'm about to say is necessarily true because AGAIN my whole point is we don't know. but suddenly i start becoming far more sympathetic of tommy's position if after six months his boyfriend is still uncomfortable being seen with him in public and has entirely ignored and skipped over thinking about or talking about his sexuality in all that time. at this point it feels like he's avoiding it on purpose, and how can you be with someone who still seems ashamed of who they are with no real attempt to deal with it. despite it seeming that way it could just be that buck doesn't deal with having feelings for people well regardless of gender (which yes, does seem to be true). but you know what it looks like to someone who doesn't know that. and tommy likely sees buck as a super open, honest guy who doesn't normally hide how he's feeling.

again (i'll keep saying it), this comes down to lazy writing, but the whole josh convo and the comments about tommy being cruel was crazy to me because how do you not know this already? he knew michael, who went through something similar. tommy already admitted he used to be a dick back then and regrets his actions, and specifically on the subject of abby said that she deserved better. so the judgement over his past all of a sudden was really strange? obviously when it's someone really close to you it's harder to picture them like that, and even harder to get your head around when you hear the specifics. but does buck not know any queer history? did he not do any research? has he not spoken to josh / hen (still mourning the hen+buck scene we didn't get post coming out) at all about any of this since coming out? this part was clearly put in to hand hold the general audience through a lesson about how it used to be harder to be gay (and sucking ryan murphy's dick about it) but like i said, it's not the first time they've done a comphet storyline, and if they wanted to go back over it again it needed to be done better than that imo (not even getting into the fact that the abbytommy of it all makes no sense). anyway, i'll get back on track, it is what it is. it just makes me come back to the fact that buck seems not to show any interest in engaging in / learning about queer related things. it's a shame because sure, we've seen buck make out with a man on screen, refer to having a boyfriend, imply he sees a future with him etc but there has been no indication that he has started... looking at himself as a queer person ig? i mean since the last update we got on this front which was in 7x05 where he referred to himself as an ally multiple times (which i get, but times have changed). is this the show being scared to commit? a compromise for the homophobes who were upset about bi buck, by letting him date a man but not focusing too much on the "gay thing"?

so getting back to the point, if what we learned in confessions was anything to go by i wonder how much else they didn't talk about? and then buck asked him to move in? i understand why tommy didn't think they were gonna last if they were skipping so many steps. you don't want to start living with someone when you still feel that you aren't able to be honest with each other. you can't avoid bringing up certain subjects with each other and still expect any level of trust between you if you don't want the relationship to collapse very quickly. tommy seemed okay with buck checking out the women at the restaurant. he said it was okay to recognise they were attractive, which i get, but the actual flirting and the lack of a "hey i'm actually on a date with my boyfriend" would personally make me uncomfortable. and in that case i'd wonder if jumping into asking me to move in with him was just him being impulsive and not something he'd actually thought out, or something he was doing for the right reasons. is tommy gonna take that risk and uproot his entire life for someone who makes big decisions on such a whim? like, i don't even think this was just him being insecure, i think there could potentially have been some valid concerns here.

another thing is okay, buck could've said "move in with me" to mean they should move in together generally, but it did kinda sound like he was asking tommy to move into the loft. y'know, his tiny bachelor pad that didn't have walls between the rooms and certainly didn't have a muay thai gym or room for a carlift? this doesn't seem well thought out at all... or like he's properly considering how tommy might feel. not that i think this was something that buck didn't actually want (though how was tommy to know) but even though the sentiment was real the fact is it WASN'T well thought out. it was clearly (to the audience) something he decided as the result of the conversation he'd just had with josh, where he admitted he could see a future with tommy. and again, tommy doesn't know any of that because buck doesn't share his feelings with the only person who really needs to know!!! and whether tommy knows it or not, buck does have a history of making impulsive decisions like that.

it's true, this whole thing could've been a one off and the rest of their relationship could've been perfect. but we can only extrapolate based on what we're shown on screen, and i do think these are questions that are worth asking and that there is room for more nuance here. either way, tommy was still a complete idiot for running rather than saying how he felt, but i don't necessarily (key word) know if him being worried was as out of nowhere as it seemed. that's really gonna be down to however you want to interpret it, because i don't actually think we'll ever get the answers that we want. i don't think this is something the show cares about or has ever properly considered, but i'd love to find out more about tommy's perspective because there are two people involved and only one is a main.

i think the most important take away from this is that the writing of this show is horrendous, so it's probably best not to dwell on it (doesn't take his own advice). this is what happens when you dig too deep into a show that doesn't ask for anywhere near this much attention and makes absolutely no effort to be consistent or logical in it's writing. welp, at the end of the day despite the gaps in what we were shown on screen, the parts that we did see were enough to convince us that they do have amazing chemistry, and that they care for each other so intensely in a way that is really a first for both characters. a perfect fit, with so much potential left to explore. if they get back together, they definitely need to have some big conversations they put off the first time around (not that i expect we'll see any of it), but i don't think it's anything unfixable if they want to make it work. and as it's looking right now, it seems like they both still love each other and want each other back.

what do i want to see going forward? more screen time for the relationship, buck being open about having a boyfriend (yes, in public too), for tommy to continue being as caring as he has been, but maybe to see the reverse of that as well? more conversations, things that show us they do actually know each other and are comfortably being open / aren't hiding things from one another. more casual physical affection, the fact that they're a couple being obvious when they're in public together. i'd love to see them both out together with the 118 too, or just interactions with the rest of the cast in general. am i still holding out to hear the word bisexual on screen? idk. but i'd like to, i think it's important especially after all the weird jokes about abby turning men gay and buck not knowing which pool to jump back into. i want to see the show commit to this thing.

[a-sky-full-of-ideas]

Okay so here are some Akram x Carl fics I need (more of) asap

mainly ones in which one of them is (inexplicably) jealous!

Jealous!Carl:

So for fics he doesn’t realises that he is jealous cause he is in love with, he just keeps blaming it on “unprofessionalism” and “just looking out for Akram”

In fics where he DOES know it, he swings back and forth between overtly sarcastic and possessive of Akram to being more distant than ever and overtly professional, people are getting concerned

But what happens ?

A former friend/colleague of Akram is essential to a case (he is genuine good guy) and Carl can’t stand their closeness.

As we have seen Akrams tends to stay a bit longer with the victims (family) and says some encouragement. Carl is unreasonably annoyed by it and everyone thinks his aversion to politeness. But he just can’t stand Akrams focus to be on anyone or anything other than himself.

Akram mourning his wife and Carl feels like a total jackass to be jealous of a dead woman. A clearly so wonderful one at that.

People catch on that it’s actually Akram being the genius and try to persuade him to change departments. Carl does not like it one bit but he realistically knows it might be better for Akrams career to not depend on HIM of all people. Does he push Akram to take these offers as a self sacrifice? Does he threaten everyone ?

And how does Akram react ?

In fics where ehe DOES realise what’s happening I think he would drag it out a bit,both to test, if his theory is correct, as well as to give Carl a chance to just confess himself(which he doesn’t), only to confront Carl in the most inconvenient moment (aka embarrassing for Carl or highly anxious)

If Carl is the angry kind of jealous in the fix it would at some point annoy Akram, just cause it angers, terrifies or otherwise hurt their clients. So he confronts Carl about the unprofessional part in this and asks him what is going on with him and that he should fix it but in his usually matter of fact way.

If Carl is the distant type of jealous in the fic, Akram too would confront him at some point to ask what he did wrong and how he can fix it and pls don’t hate or fire me. “I will find a way to fix it.” Carl has a mental breakdown realising how he hurt Akram.

Jealous!Akram:

I think Akram would not be visibly jealous besides a sad or angry glint his eye that Carl can’t decipher. Taking a step back her and there but overall nothing you can pinpoint as “off”. An Internal conflict. Only if the cause of his jealousy turns out to be a dick (working for the bad guys) he is more enthusiastic to break a spine than usually. His professional opinion of course.

But what happens?

Akram assumes Martin and Carl are a thing bc they live together and raise a son (there is already a good fic for this but pls do more!)

Akram assumes Carl is hung up on James, especially since all the nurses and other people make jokes or assumptions about them being partners, where as no one ever assumes HIM to be Carls partner. ‘Is he not good enough to seem like Carls partner for only a second ?’

If carl plays into the joke it’s cause he is so relieved that nobody assumes Akram is his partner or he would be a blushing mess and this is easier

If Carl is visibly disgusted, he keeps wishing it’s Akram they would assume is his partner but clearly everyone knows Akram is way out of his league. Too bad that Akram assumes him homophobic or at least averse to being gay/bi himself.

Akram sees Carl and his therapist becoming friends and assumes due to their private meetings and flirtatious banter (it’s Carl deflecting and sometimes she indulges his decision to not think)

A former colleague of Carl helps them (not a good guy) (Akrams is a bit too happy about pushing him down the stairs too)

These are prompts aka pls write them!!! Tag me perhaps so I can read them but feel free to use any and every snippet I wrote in whatever combination !!! Experiment !!

[imnotsoscaredofsufferingnow]

dear @piggledy-higgledy i feel like you and me might be the only two people on this website (or maybe anywhere) who dislike mercedes so i feel obliged to come out and support your point ALSO because i think this is just a stellar take!!

about your first point, i so often think about this and i have never seen anyone else talk about it: to me, mercedes and edmond at the beginning are not the epitome of true love. they are two extremely young people experiencing their first love, with all its intensity and idealization. dumas meant to capture this feeling because it is a pretty common thing people experience, but is it true love? i don’t know. in reality, they could have very well ended up being incompatible in the long run, especially because if you pay attention, edmond was already showing signs of his count persona (dark intensity, quick temper) in the beginning of the book.

the point is that we will never know, and neither will they, because they were robbed of that opportunity. that is why the fandom ships them so much i think. it’s so easy to fantasize about something that was never realized: it could have been the most amazing beautiful love story but what a damn shame it never happened!!! this is what mercedes’ tragedy (as well as the fandom lol), that she is pining for their lost life together, her lost happiness, and for edmond, who is now fundamentally changed. she does not love the count as he is NOW, and would probably be horrified to learn what he has done throughout the novel. also what would they even talk about? 'so mercedes, ever since we didn't see each other i became interested in drugs, types of executions, alchemy, and all things from the east! teehee' this is a joke but yeah. come on now. in the beginning, they were kind of in the same socio-economic bracket, so it was easy and natural for them to bond as they lived in similar worlds: that is not true anymore.

i don't definitely judge her for marrying someone else, or that she has different priorities (her son, obviously) in the second half of the book. i don't dislike her because i think she is a bad person. the reason why i dislike her is hard to pinpoint because from the moment she appears, i just had an off feeling about her lol (sometimes you just don't vibe with a character please let's normalize that again), but the way she purposefully gives up her free will (the quotes you chose illustrate this perfectly) is something that really bothers me.

the novel is full with women exercising their free will even in a society where they are allowed very little (eugénie, valentine, hérmine, héloïse, and ofc haydée my best girl). it is not easy for them, but they fight for it with fucking tooth and nail, and i am so proud, even if they do questionable things because they are doing what they want!! this wretched world can't take that away from them. mercedes willingly gives her agency up, shifting the blame on god.

"If I believed that God had given me free will, what would remain to save me from despair!" uhm.

i saw someone on youtube call mercedes a mafia wife, and i thought that was... well, first of all kind of hilarious with a grain of truth to it. i am sure she did not know about what her husband did, but being sometimes blissfully sometimes not ignorant is kind of a character trait for her, and the quotes reflect this as well.

i also very much agree with your point that lots of characters are accomplices in their own punishment (this is a reason why i am less hard on count for the crazy shit he does) and in several occasions, they could have avoided their downfall if they stopped being shitty. like the big three (villefort, danglars, morcerf) did horrible things OUTSIDE of what they did to edmond and showed no signs of stopping.

after i read their final interaction, my takeaway was to vow to never be like mercedes. to never be someone who gives up on life, just because life did not work out the way she originally planned. life is about failing and picking yourself up back again again again AND AGAIN. this is also what the book teaches.

i'm sorry but mercedes is technically the antithesis of the message 'wait and hope'. the book makes this clear by awarding the people who wait and hope with happiness or at least the promise of rebirth.

and yet again i know she married fernand for economic reasons i get it!! I GET IT! but at the end, she does have the choice to reinvent her life in any way really, and chooses not to take it. (i do not mean she should forgive the count after what happened with her husband and their life, again i think that ship has sailed a LONG FUCKING TIME AGO, but she could still find her happiness.)

i never want to be a person who loses hope, and trust me that life "has so shaken me with storms" as well. there is no quality of mine that i am prouder of than being hopeful, and it reassures me to think that edmond be would proud of me for that.

(to anyone reading who is very bothered by this take: feel free to block me, and i say this with this love and peace, i promise! you deserve to have a good time interacting with this fandom, and i deserve that, too. we don't need to interact if my opinions are upsetting to you, genuinely, there are many blogs who love mercedes and think completely differently.)

Continuing my ongoing series about the count of Monte Cristo:

I have read the chapter where Mercedes reveals that she knew who he was. She knew, from the moment she heard his voice, that he was in fact Edmond Dantès (the name has not been written since… how many chapters? How many thousands of words?) and she begs him to not kill her only child. He accepts. He foregoes his revenge, put it aside, and decides that he will die instead in the duel that opposes him against Albert.

And she is ok with it.

It breaks my heart. Even HE is surprised by how readily she accepts that he will die, even after hearing his revenge, and how he has been wronged. She is just happy that he has remained the kind Edmond that she loved, and that her son will continue on living. She is wretched and she is miserable living with Fernand de Morcerf whose reputation has been ruined (for the murder of Ali Pacha).

How can one love a man so much and refuse him even one’s tears, when he is so ready to die just to avoid you pain?

[sieglinde-freud]

i love laslow and nyx’s supports and i love how they go from trauma dump central in the b support

to making fun of their angst in the a

like theyre soooo lame and it makes me emo and every time i watch this support i kick my feet and twirl my hair theyre SOOOOOOO SICKENING. WHO WROTE THIS. WHOOOOOOO

[eddiemunsonsmum]

Just saw this comment on a story posted a month ago.

*cries in Eddie Munson Solo Series no one wanted to read, interact with or request for*

No shade to the person that commented this on their own fic if you recognize it. It's not their fault. I'm not mad at them. More crying in the tags.

[violetshine-appreciation]

wc fans: we want more morally gray female characters

morally gray female wc character: *says/does things that are fucked up/morally gray*

wc fans: This Character Is So Abusive. How Dare The Erins Try To Make Us Sympathize With This Character. She Has No Redeeming Qualities Whatsoever And I'm Sick Of Seeing People Defend Her. I Hate Warrior Cats

[squirmydonnie]

TW: death, religious trauma

We were talking about the rapture in church today

And its put me in a really bad mood. Because I remember when I first heard of the rapture

It made me think I deserved to die

And even though I don't think that now. I can't hear about it, and not feel bad about myself

I'm glad I don't think that anymore. But I wish it bother me so much

I see things a different way now. Including which religion I follow. Which is now much more ambiguous

Next week we'll talk about it again. And I really don't want to hear about it.

I've thought about maybe leaving and going to bathroom. And then coming back late. To skip most of it

But I don't really know what I'll do

I just really hate hearing about it