#anyway somebody get this girl an actually decent therapist she needs it

[jawnjendes]

shawn meets... | isabella

SUMMARY: in the life of a rockstar, shawn mendes comes across some unique people. sometimes, things stray from the norm. (AU, shawn x every one of my oc’s)(continuation/spin off of goth gf)

AN: time for a new oc! and by NEW i mean, new to yall,,, ive had this oc since i was 15

***let me know if you wanna be added to the taglist

previous chapter 

isabella’s origin story not available | isabella’s playlist | masterlist

Out of all the places he’s been to, London seemed to bring the most interesting people to Shawn’s already interesting life. He couldn’t tell if it was because he was an international singing sensation, or because of his own strange luck. Was his college life this weird with people?

College… it felt like somebody else’s life. It had been a few years since he walked through the massive campus, but there were still days that Shawn found himself missing that life. He especially missed it these days because he still had Brian in that life. Not to mention it was all mundane and normal. A number of people knew Shawn, but it was not the colossal amount that knew him now. Back then, he could go to a karaoke bar and get as trashed as he wanted, and the only consequence would be a killer hangover. Back then, he would be going to a karaoke bar with his best friend.

These last few months were a grieving period. Shawn hadn't planned on taking time off, but the funeral was the last straw. Hearing the broken wails of Brian's mother as the casket was lowered into the ground was all too much. He couldn't handle the guilt that sat on his shoulders, or the grief that weight down on his chest. He couldn't look his friend's family in the eyes and say it was his fault why their son was dead. So time off was taken, and a tour was canceled, and much therapy was had.

Now, four months later, Shawn was getting back into the swing of things. He was back in London with the intention of songwriting and possibly some recording. His mind was still cloudy and his chest was still heavy, but he was deemed functional enough by Andrew and his therapist.

However, Shawn couldn't wander the streets alone. That was the case ever since his first fan mobbing in Los Angeles a few years ago. More recently, ever since the girl who bruised Shawn’s wrist happened, Jake had to be at his side at all times. Even at a crowded karaoke bar where his face blended with everyone else under the dim lights, and where everyone focused on the person singing onstage.

Shawn looked down at his right wrist. The bruises were long gone, and he could still play guitar just as he did before. The thought of never playing again gave him an uncomfortable chill. He couldn't be thinking about that, not when worse things had happened. Brian was the one who pointed out how odd and nonhuman that girl was. Shawn wouldn't have been able to figure out the truth about her and her employer. He really needed the karaoke bar tonight.

At least Jake was considerate enough to sit a couple of stools away from Shawn, giving him the illusion that he was here by himself. He nursed his beer and scanned the room, not really listening to the karaoke host introduce the next singer. Shawn was not really sure what he was looking for here. He chatted with the handsome, blond bartender, but he got busy with the night rush. All Shawn knew was that he didn’t want to be stuck alone in a hotel room, and he really didn’t want to be around more people who would share their condolences and fond memories of someone they hardly knew. It wasn’t until he heard a familiar song play on the speakers did Shawn finally focus on the stage.

If it was his own song, Shawn would have had to leave the bar. But it was Niall’s On My Own, making Shawn briefly consider texting the Irish singer to see what he’s up to tonight. However, he quickly zeroed in on the girl singing, and he started to wonder if he really did have a type.

She had short, choppy black hair, like she had cut it herself. These round purple sunglasses hung on the bridge of her nose, and it was the only thing that stood out from her all black ensemble: a low cut tank top, ripped jeans, and Converse high tops. She moved animatedly around the stage, that short hair bouncing and getting disheveled. She didn’t seem to care about how she looked.

Shawn turned back to Jake and gave him that look. “Are you seeing this?” Jake merely gave him a thumbs up.

The other thing about this girl was her voice. Every person that sang before here was… not good. This girl had a strong, rich voice. She could give Niall a run for his money with all the runs she threw into his song. She was talented. Shawn hadn’t heard a voice like that since he heard Bella Santiago sing in person for the first time. (Still a shame that girl won’t accept any record deal she was offered.)

Everyone in the bar seemed to like this girl too. The crowd roared with applause and cheers when she hit the bridge of the song. Shawn bopped his head along to the beat, feeling a genuine smile on his face for the first time in weeks. He clapped as hard as he could when the song ended, but then his heart dropped as he saw this girl walk off the stage and head for the bar. He turned to face the bartender, but looked down at his half empty bottle. His heart nearly stopped when the girl took the empty stool next to him.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t a British accent that came out of her. At least, not a noticeable one. She sounded more American than anything else.

“Thanks, Seth,” she said to the bartender as he seemed to make a Blue Moon magically appear out of nowhere. “What’d you think?”

“Showing everyone how it’s done, like always.” He winked.

She giggled. “We getting outta here soon?”

“After last call, won't be long now."

Shawn felt a blow in his stomach. She was here with the bartender. Well, time to call it a night.

Then, there was something like magic. Shawn had turned towards Jake to signal him to get out of here, but there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned back around to find the girl looking at him.

“I sat here for a reason, you know,” she said, eyebrows raised.

Magic!

Shawn grinned. “That reason being?”

“Handsome chap, alone in a bar? Too good to be true, so I had to investigate. You here alone, mysterious stranger? I mean, apart from your bodyguard, of course.” She took a gulp from her beer.

Shawn was thrown off by that entire string of words. He couldn’t even try to play dumb. “How did you-”

“He’s had that protective look in his eyes since I sat down,” she explained. “And I know protection like nobody’s business.”

“Oh, you’re a bodyguard, eh?” Shawn asked, his eyes shamelessly trailing down her petite body. Yes, it was an excuse to look at the decent amount cleavage she had going on.

“Eh?” she repeated with a chuckle. “What, are you Canadian or something?” She laughed like it was such a ridiculous thought.

He blinked. “Yeah. Yeah, I am.”

The girl laughed even more, her eyes squinting. “Are you joking? Canada’s not real!”

Maybe she had a few too many drinks. Shawn watched her with a polite grin as she hiccuped.

“You’re alright, mysterious stranger.” She held out her hand. “Isabella Montgomery.”

“Nice to meet you,” Shawn said as he shook her hand. For someone who just danced around onstage, her hand was quite chilly.

She quirked a dark eyebrow. “Gonna stick with the mysterious stranger thing, are you? Suit yourself.”

Either she recognized him and pretended like she didn’t or… she just didn’t recognize him. Whatever the case, Shawn was perfectly content with being a stranger tonight.

“You gonna sing tonight?” Isabella asked him.

“Oh no, I’m not drunk enough for that,” he said. “Besides, I don’t think I could follow up the show you just put on.”

She smiled. “You’re probably right. But I’ve got the smallest feeling you might be an alright singer.”

Okay, she definitely recognized him.

“I don’t really want the attention on me tonight,” he admitted.

Isabella nodded understandingly. “I see. Well, would you wanna get outta here?”

The two of them looked at each other for a split second. Shawn was quite forward himself, but he wasn’t that quick. Not to mention, he just overheard her make plans with Seth the bartender.

“To another pub,” Isabella hastily corrected. “There’s a place my friend over here and I are gonna head to. You wanna come along?”

“Oh!” Shawn felt a little more delighted now that she clarified the bartender situation. “Yeah, I’ll go with you. Where's this place at?”

Isabella licked her lips and grinned. She looked for her bartender friend, who just announced last call on the microphone. When he returned to his post, Isabella waved him over.

“Yes, my dear?” Seth asked.

“My new mysterious mate wants to come with us,” she told him.

“Oh, does he? Think he can handle it?”

“I can handle it,” Shawn piped up. “What kinda place is it, anyway?”

Isabella and Seth shared a look, silently communicating. Then, they both turned back to the mysterious stranger.

“It’s, er, a nerdy… type of place,” Isabella explained slowly. “People cosplay… Dungeons and Dragons type of things. They take it very seriously, won’t even break character if you talk to them. It’s a weird environment, but it’s fun nonetheless.”

Shawn nodded as he took in the information. Wouldn’t be the first nerd-themed place he’s been too. But it has been a while. “I’m down. Sounds fun.”

“There’s karaoke there too,” Seth added. “And, we can promise that you will continue being a mysterious stranger while we’re there.”

A karaoke bar where no one will recognize him? Sounds like a dream.

“Let’s do it,” he told his new friends.

This nerd bar was hidden. The shelf behind the bar was actually a secret door. Seth pushed it open with surprising ease while Isabella hopped over the bar. Shawn looked at Jake, who didn’t seem suspicious or hesitant. Yet.

Seth let the others pass through first before shutting the shelf door behind him. Then, Isabella led them down a hallway lit by dim blue lights. She pushed open another door, revealing a bar that was much darker than the previous one. It felt more like a nightclub.

Shawn could barely make out people wearing long colorful robes, dancing under the strobe lights. Definitely nerd space. An unrecognizable song was blaring over the speakers. As Shawn tried to figure out what exactly the lyrics were saying, Isabella nudged him.

“I’ll sign us up for karaoke!” she yelled over the music.

“Wait-” he tried to say, nerves building up in his stomach.

“You’re singing with me no matter what!”

And she disappeared towards the stage.

Before Shawn could stop her, Seth came in for the distraction. He pulled Shawn over to the bar and ordered something for the three of them. Soon enough, there were shot glasses lined up along the surface of the bar, and Isabella had found the boys.

“Oh, fuck yeah!”

Each of them grabbed their tiny glass. Shawn looked around for his guard, now nervous about being left alone, but he found Jake in the far corner of the club. Watching. Waiting. Unbothered.

That was enough for Shawn to down one, two, three shots of whatever the fuck with these people. He felt fire in his veins, euphoria surrounding him. Everything he was previously worried about didn’t matter anymore.

“We’re gonna sing Panic!” Isabella told him at some point.

“Can’t wait!”

Next thing he knew, Shawn was onstage in front of a massive group of nerds, High Hopes blaring on the speakers. Isabella was next to him, microphone in hand as she belted out the beginning of the song with her killer voice.

Shawn took over the first verse, and the two of them harmonized wonderfully. At least, with the alcohol in his system, it felt that way. The two of them danced around on stage like fools, not caring about looking cool or composed or even trying to sing well. Isabella sounded naturally good, though. She messed up her hair and nearly tripped on her feet a few times, but man could that girl carry a tune.

“Had to have high, high hopes for a living Didn’t know how, but I always had a feeling I was going to be that one in a million Always had high, high hopes”

It was liberating. It was spiritually healing. It was different than performing in an arena of thousands of people. He could just be silly and not have to put on his tour persona.

They only sang one song, but it was enough for Shawn to feel something other than the crushing grief that was frequently on his shoulders. He felt good, almost happy. He danced with these strangers and drank some more. He saw pretty lights dancing around the ceiling, he could almost see the stars and the moon through it too. It was magical, to say the least.

"Guys, I'm getting hungry!" Isabella exclaimed after a while.

"Well, I'm getting tired!" Seth told her. "What about you, mysterious stranger?"

"Fooooooood!"

The three of them (Jake in tow, of course) left the way they came in. Seth pushed open the shelf door and let the others through. Shawn's ears were ringing once he was back in the quiet, but there was still adrenaline coursing through his system. He wasn't ready for the night to be over.

But Seth was. He stretched his long arms over his head and yawned once all of them were out in the humid night. “I’m out for the night, lads. It was cool hanging out with you, stranger.”

“You too, brother,” Shawn said, clasping his shoulder.

Seth then turned to Isabella. “I’ll see you at home?”

“See you at home,” she confirmed.

Then, Seth stalked off down the street, practically disappearing into a dark alley. There was a cracking sound that broke the quiet night, but Shawn wasn’t exactly preoccupied with that.

"Where we gonna eat?" he asked Isabella.

However, Jake stepped in. "We should really get going. It's late enough as it is."

"But I'm hungry!" Shawn whined.

"Yeah, the boy is hungry!" Isabella assertively repeated, placing her hands on her hips. "Can't let him starve now, can we? There's a burger joint down the road, 's not that far."

The two of them stared down the bodyguard. He usually took Shawn away from the fun despite the singer's protests. It was always because they had something to do or somewhere to be the next day, but there were still a couple of days left before the demands came back… before the prominent absence of a certain Brian made itself known yet again. Shawn wanted to savor this time, drunk or not.

Jake seemed to realize this as well, because he suddenly approved. “Alright. You eat, and then it’s back to the hotel.”

Isabella bounced on her feet. “Sweet! Let’s go!”

She linked her arm with Shawn’s and led him literally ten steps up the road. The burger joint was empty apart from the cashier working the graveyard shift. Jake went to sit at the booth in the corner, continuing to do his job.

“God, I’m dying for a veggie burger,” Isabella said, looking up at the menu.

“Are the garlic fries any good?” Shawn asked.

“Wouldn’t know, I have a garlic allergy.”

He looked at her, surprised. “Shouldn’t we go somewhere else? What if your food touches garlic?”

She waved it off. “I don’t have severe reactions or anything. And I’ve been here loads of time. Trust me, it’s safe.”

Well, if she knows her own body… The two of them ordered, and Shawn made sure to keep the allergen out of his meal as well. Then, they sat down two booths ahead of Jake, still keeping the illusion that Shawn was out and about on his own.

Under the much brighter lights of this establishment, Shawn could make out Isabella’s face a little more. She had the babiest baby face a person could have. If they hadn’t met in a bar, Shawn would have thought she was a teenager. The pink blush on Isabella’s cheeks only added to that. Maybe she had used a fake ID at the bar… she could actually be a teenager.

Isabella caught him staring, and immediately knew what was on his mind. “I’m twenty-four, just so you know.”

“Oh, I wasn’t-” he tried to say.

“Lots of people give me that look. You know how many clients of mine think I’m an intern?”

Shawn blinked slowly, his hazy mind still processing what she just said. “Um, what is it that you do?”

“I’m a lawyer for muuu- ah, uh - immigration lawyer.” She grinned nonchalantly.

“That’s awesome,” Shawn said.

“Yeah, a few years back I volunteered my services when people in the States were being wrongfully detained at various airports,” she explained. “I got hired by a law firm in New York, so I lived there for a bit.”

Shawn was impressed, but he thought about exactly how long ago those events took place. He was still a little weary about Isabella and her age, so he counted backwards on his fingers. However, the math got difficult and fuzzy in his still inebriated mind, so he took her word for it.

“I promise you I’m older than I look,” Isabella said with a laugh. Then, she turned serious. “Can I be honest with you?”

He nodded rapidly, numbers still flying around in his head.

“I know you’re not just a mysterious stranger,” she admitted. “I know who you are.”

His eyes widened a little bit. Was this another disturbed fan interaction? Oh god, maybe he should have listened to Jake and gone back to the hotel.

“You performed at Sapphire Lilith’s birthday party,” Isabella clarified, seeing the look on his face. “I was there.”

“Oh,” Shawn said, his shoulders relaxing. “Yeah. I performed at her house.” And he spent a blissful week with Sapphire, only to result in her ghosting him and the death of his best friend. He cleared his throat as that memory came to mind. “How do you know Sapphire?”

“Her parents died few years ago and she needed me to look over their wills,” Isabella said casually. “Oh, and she got robbed a few times and needed to me look into the legal part of it.”

Shawn tilted his head. “But aren’t you an immigration lawyer?”

“Yeah. We also went to the same sleepaway school years ago.” She shrugged. “Uniforms for girls were pink, but you would never catch me in that shit. I spray painted my dresses black and wore sneakers. I got in so much trouble.”

“Wow. Got ourselves a rebel here.” He chuckled, his hand sliding across the table.

Isabella was faster than him. A single blink later, and she was standing. “I think our order is ready.”

Something fell out of her pocket, making a small clattering noise. Shawn immediately reached down to pick up the item, only to be confused at what it was.

“You dropped your… wand?”

He didn’t even get a good look at the dark wood before Isabella snatched it out of his hand and shoved it back into her pocket. Her eyes were suspiciously wide again.

“I, uh, I love Henry Popper. Be right back!”

As Isabella went to the cashier, Shawn looked back at Jake two booths behind. He seemed more confused than suspicious. Or, spaced out. His eyes were staring back at the guy he was supposed to be guarding, but it didn’t look like he had processed anything that just happened.

Then, Isabella came back to the table, non-too-gently setting their tray down on the table. The noise was loud enough to make Shawn jump and face her again.

“Sorry for freaking out,” she said, somber.

“It’s okay. Hey, I love Harry Potter too,” he replied. “I’m obsessed. Did you get your wand at Universal?”

“Uh, yeah. I’m a Gryffindor.”

“Me too!”

Isabella pointedly grinned and tilted her head. “Really? You give off big Hufflepuff energy.”

“Why does everyone say that?” Shawn chuckled before taking a bite of his burger.

“Because it’s true?”

“And how would you know that?”

“Who has the wand between the two of us? And don’t talk with your mouth full!”

Shawn playfully narrowed his eyes as he chewed and swallowed. “Didn’t realize I was talking to the queen of all things Harry Potter!”

Isabella chuckled. “You could say he’s like a friend to me. As a matter of fact, I saw him yesterday when he came round for tea.”

That got a laugh out of him. Any worry he had about this girl was now gone. He would much rather be here than be alone with his thoughts in a hotel room. How often does he get a genuine conversation like this anyway? How often does he get the time to talk to anyone and form one-on-one connections?

He was doing exactly what he wanted to do: make music and perform it. Six years ago, Shawn had no idea what it would cost to be able to do this. When was the last time he had spoken to any of his friends? His family? He looked down at his meal, suddenly not very hungry.

“Hey!” Isabella said, lightly tapping his arm. “Don’t get sad on me now! Am I really that depressing to be around?”

“Of course not,” Shawn said without missing a beat. “And I’m not sad.”

“Please, you reek of stress, loss, and…” She sniffed the air. “Guilt?”

Shawn scrunched his brows, pretending like he was not just attacked. “Where do you get all that from?”

She coughed. “Just a guess. I imagine, being a mysterious stranger, it’s hard to come by actual friends.”

That was something he could talk about without getting too deep into his drunken feelings. “I… yeah. People define you by what you are on the outside and see nothing else. Don’t even take the time to see what’s inside, in your heart.”

Isabella was playing with her fries. “I know what that’s like. All I’ve ever been is a blood sucking parasite with a wand. Doing what you know you’re destined to do comes with a lot of sacrifices.”

“Absolutely,” Shawn agreed. His own cave of regrets came to mind, but he wasn’t drunk enough to share any of them.

next chapter

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taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @someoneunimportantxx @iloveshawnieboi @shawnsunflower @chillingbythesea @theprivatesmutacc 

[aloneandunreal]

june 30, 20

back again. last time i posted - i forget when it was - i believe june 28th? doesn’t matter. anyway, i’ve, for awhile now, realized that i put in way more effort in a lot of my friendships than the other does (which i have very little of in the first place; friends). i know i shouldn’t expect the same treatment back; i’ve always been a generous person, and not everyone is like that. but sometimes it’s hard. like when someone doesn’t reply to me for six days but still posts regularly. i get that you can forget things, but i always try to reply on time and apologize if my reply is incredibly late. maybe it’s just because i don’t have many friends, don’t have much of a life, and hardly get texts. i’m always the one reaching out. for example, i am friends with this girl, and i’ve texted her multiple times trying to start conversation but it always seems to go dead. i always try to keep conversations going, with follow up questions, etc. but i guess some people don’t get or do that. which is what i did with her, but it always, always seems to go dead after 5 text messages between the both of us. it’s sad, and i wonder if it’s because i’m boring or a burden. or maybe i’m just asking for too much. so now of course, because of quarantine and us not texting, we’re, once again, growing apart. i really have tried to keep our friendship going, but it always seems to flop. even after the first MONTH of quarantine, i felt less close with her. only a month. so i wonder what’s going to happen to us by august. i know i sound like a downer, but i’ve been trying to communicate with her - it’s just hard when you’re usually the only one putting in effort. she’ll always be a friend, someone there for me. we’ve been on/off friends for years now. we get each other a birthday gift every year, even if we don’t talk, and i know she’ll always be there for me. but she’s just that friend i can’t quite grasp and i don’t know if i ever will. she has her whole friend group anyway, which is fine, i wouldn’t exactly want to be apart of it anyway. but as i’ve said in previous entries, i’m always that “separate” friend. the friend everyone takes their angst or sadness out on. then act amazing and happy with their other friend. with this friend i’ve been talking about, she told me that i was “the only one she tells her problems to” which was nice at first, but then i realized i’m the only one who has to deal with this - being her therapist. i’m okay with that, but it’s irking knowing none of her other friends have to deal with this. and she’s better friends with them than me. i guess i’m just that friend who everyone knows to go to for advice or just to rant. which is okay! i like giving advice and helping people. but sometimes i wish i wasn’t the one who everyone took out their moodiness on. like i had this one friend, who is actually one of my close friends, she has since moved but that’s not the point, but last year when i saw her face-to-face she wouldn’t always be the nicest. she’d take her moodiness on me, sometimes would be mean. but then with her other friends would act normal. do you get what i’m saying? i’m the outsider friend. never #1. i just want to be that special person to someone. 

it has always been hard for me to make friends. i don’t want to completely blame it on my social anxiety, but that’s a large factor. i’ve had small friend groups throughout the years, but that ended in 8th grade. now i just have a couple good friends, and a decent amount of mutuals - people i talk to at school sometimes but don’t speak to outside of school or at all some days. i get sad sometimes realizing i’ll have to deal with this mental illness for my entire life. yes, there are things i can do to help myself be less anxious, but it won’t ever disappear. social anxiety just seriously sucks. i can’t do “normal people” things and it’s hard for me to make friends or speak up for myself. i don’t know how i’m going to make it in life - in college. and that’s only next year. i’m terrified. i want to practice doing things i’m anxious to do, like ordering food for myself and other “normal people” things... but it’s scary to me. a lot of people would think this is dumb, and yes, it is. but it’s just how i am. i would express this to people i know, but i’m sure they’d think i was crazy worrying about things they do every day, no big deal. this entry i am just going to talk about my issues with being social and friends, but i still wanted to mention the fact that i am scared of being out in the real world.

sometimes i feel as if my friends think i have more friends than i actually do. that’s a confusing sentence to read - but let me try and explain it. i have this one good friend who i text often, well not as much anymore since quarantine, and i feel like she assumes i have a decent amount of friends when in reality i don’t. i don’t think she understands or realizes how alone i am. i don’t get tons of texts and i’m not in group chats like other people are. and she’d probably think i’m weird if i told her she’s one of my only good friends. 

and it’s not like i haven’t tried making friends. i have, but we either lose touch or our friendship doesn’t get any farther than talking at school. there’s people at school who i talk to, but no one i talk to outside of school.  i haven’t given someone my phone number in such a long time. and sometimes i’m okay with being alone. i don’t need a huge friend group or anything. it would just be nice to have more than one good friend. 

one of my friends, the girl i was talking about a few paragraphs above, talks to me and tells me about her group of friends and how they play games together and FaceTime while doing so. i’m sure if i wanted to do that with her i could ask and she’d gladly say yes. but it’s just that i hate FaceTime for some reason. which absolutely sucks because so many people love it nowadays. i just hate having to look at myself and see how i speak - i’m so insecure that even on FaceTime calls i’m forced to do, i try not to talk as much as possible because i hate the way i look when i speak. then of course is the whole thing with talking. i don’t want things to be awkward. will we just be staring at each other the whole time? and the same goes with not only FaceTime calls but also regular phone calls. i’m better with phone calls, though. still don’t like doing either. i like texting because i can re-read what i wrote unlike in real life where if i say something dumb there’s no way i can take it back. i also like speaking in real life though because i don’t have to see my face and the way i look when i speak. it’s complicated. just wishing i could be a normal teenager for once. live my high school years like a lot of others seem to be doing. not the stereotypical stuff like going to parties, yada yada. stuff like playing video games with friends - that’s better than sitting in your room at night writing entries on tumblr that nobody cares to read about. haha, bet you can guess who i’m talking about.

it’s just very hard. there’s times when i’m okay with being lonely, but there’s other times where it makes me feel really bad about myself - the fact i hardly have friends. another example i have is from earlier this year in my french class. i knew for a fact this was going to happen, but was still upset when it ended up happening. basically, we were having a mardi gras party and were eating food and playing games. i’d been dreading this, even though it was supposed to be fun. everyone was sitting together with their friends, mingling and all. except for me. originally, this freshman in my class sat with me, but got up once he saw his friends. so i just sat there alone looking awkward. it wasn’t the fact i had no one to talk to (well i guess that’s a factor), but it was the fact that i just looked so awkward and alone. everyone was probably looking at me like “yeah, not surprised ava’s sitting alone.” incidents  like this haven’t just happened once. they’ve happened many times! and it makes me sad. i remember texting my one good friend and she just thought it was funny, but in reality i genuinely felt so bad about myself. i didn’t tell her that, though, because in her mind it probably wasn’t a big deal. and honestly it wasn’t. but after things like this happen more than once or twice, it starts to hurt. i could’ve joined a group, yeah, but everyone was in their little friend groups and i didn’t want to be a burden and ruin that. it’s not like i’d talk to them, anyway. but yeah, as i said above, there are so many different incidents of this. one being, for the first two years of high school, i sat completely alone at lunch. there was a group of friends who sat next to me but they didn’t include me (not that they had to) and they’d be laughing, telling jokes as i sat there awkwardly watching whatever i was watching. it’s just sad. i really wish there were people out there with the same dilemma as me, but it’d be rare to find. yeah, there are tons of lonely people out there. but there’s likely not a person who’s "problem” is similar to mine.

all in all, i just feel lonely sometimes. sometimes i don’t even care about having friends - it’s just the fact that i want it to appear as if i have friends. i don’t want people to think i’m this lonely weird girl. i also wish the friends i had appreciated me more and put in more effort. yes, there are times when they do appreciate me of course, but i don’t think i’ve ever met someone who gives the same amount of effort as i do. which is fine! but sometimes, as i said, i want to be a special friend, a “#1″ to somebody. there’s always one... or two... or three... people above me. always. i haven’t had a best friend in years. and my one good friend now... i don’t even know if she’d consider me her best friend. and i’m too scared to ask. i don’t want her to say yes just because she pities me. i also just feel like a total disappointment to my parents - i wish i could do more and be the child they wanted. one that had a decent amount of friends, a normal working brain. a child who good do normal things like everyone else. but nah, they got me instead. 

there’s just so much stuff i am worried about. so much it’s sometimes hard to put into words. there’s things i’m anxious about that i can’t even put in words sometimes because they’re so difficult to explain. things like this have truly made me hate myself. not only am i insecure about the way i look, but i also am insecure about basically everything else that makes me ‘me.’ i wish things could’ve been different. maybe in a different lifetime. i’ve done things to try and fix myself, i specifically remember feeling so lonely in 7th grade, and i tried making friends, but everyone seemed to push me away. i guess i’m just not trying hard enough. but i don’t want to try hard. i just want to be likable and easily make friends. but obviously that’s impossible for someone like me. 

sometimes i’ll be talking to someone, having a decent conversation, and this thing will happen to me - i don't know how to explain it - where i’ll see myself from another perspective; my annoying voice, my stupid stories, how boring i am. and it’ll make me want to shut up and never speak to anyone ever again. there’s times i want to drop all of my friends (which aren’t many in the first place) for no reason - sometimes i feel like i am just destined to be alone. i just want to feel like i belong. i want people to like me. i want to be an interesting person. instead i’m just boring and stupid for thinking someone enjoys my company. people have said to me, adults, that “maybe people want to talk to you, but are too afraid to approach you. they may think you’re stuck up or don’t want to talk just because you’re quiet” and okay, that may be true. but i think of myself as a very kind and warm person - not intimidating at all. why would people be afraid to speak to someone like me? i’m not cool, even if it looks like that on the outside. i’m truly just a loser. there’s nothing interesting about me. i talk about the same five things, i’m not good at anything, and when people ask me what i like to do? it’s hard to say. because i don’t do much. i had a family member ask my mother what my sister liked to do, and she told him. then he asked, “what about ava? does she do anything?” and i feel like my mom couldn’t come up with anything. i don’t do any clubs, sports, and i don’t have many hobbies. because i’m not good at anything and am too nervous to join a club or something of that sort. and i’m always reminded of that by my parents - like yes, i know i need to find something i like to do. something that’s a “real hobby” according to them. i like writing, but obviously don’t show what i write to them, so they just pretend that doesn’t exist just because they don’t see it.

i’m so uncool and it’s obvious. there may be people who think i’m “cool” but i am not. as i said, i am a loser. i’m remembering i was friends with this really cool girl who was friends with the other “cool kids” (or, kids i thought were cool at the time)... that was a group i always wanted to be apart of. but she never seemed to include me in it. i was - as mentioned many times previously - always the secondary friend. never apart of the cool kids group. maybe because i was too ugly (they all seemed to be attractive), or perhaps i was too weird or not interesting enough for them. i’ll never know. they’re long gone now, graduated over three years ago when i was a freshman. i wonder who the cool kids are now that i’m going to be a senior. there’s always that one “cool kid” group. or what i consider cool. nonetheless, i’ll never be apart of it so there’s no need to dwell on it.

things are just so difficult at the moment. this is incredibly long but that’s because this is a topic i could go on about forever. i keep thinking of new things i want to add, and it makes me even more sad thinking of them. it may seem like i am not trying, and in some areas i admit i’m not. but certain things i truly am trying, but i guess it isn’t enough. maybe it’ll never be enough.

i suppose i’ll end this now, it’s already an essay basically. to end it, i guess i’ll just say that i wish i was someone else. but it’s too late to fix myself now. people already know me as who i am and i can’t change that now. even if i wish to do so.