#annoying. smells french fries and goes crazy.

[wordsinwinters]

Then Again, Part 26 (Peter Parker x Reader)

Masterlist (with AO3 links)

Total word count: 50,293

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22, Part 23, Part 24, Part 25,

Summary: After an intense argument and a forced-to-share-the-bed situation during their junior year decathlon trip, Peter and the Reader examine their faults and failings. As they attempt to fix their mistakes and improve their friendship, that friendship quickly begins to evolve into something else.

Slow burn fic in which all characters are included and their dynamics explored; multiple character POVs.

Betas: @girl-tips-from-satan and @fanboyswhereare-you

A/N: This isn’t my favorite chapter, but it’s been sitting in my drafts for over a year and I figured if I don’t post it now, I’ll never move on to the next. Additionally, as always, I live for feedback. 😉

Without further ado,

Then Again Part 26:

(Words: 2,825)

The bus ride will probably get boring soon, or at least as long as the girls stay asleep, but even as quiet as it is, it’s almost a perfect morning. Being early (around 6:00, I think?), there’s barely any light except street lamps and car lights, but some of the clouds on the right have caught a pretty bluish purple tinge. It reminds me of that Rainbow Fish book Aunt May used to read to me as a kid. To make it better, the morning air is chilly enough that the driver turned the heaters on low so it’s wrapped-in-a-blanket-while-it-snows warm in here. Although that also might be why, apart from general dirt and old gum, the strongest smell on the bus is salty grease— since the nearest heater is under the seat Flash spilled french fries and chicken nuggets in yesterday. It could be worse, though. I mean, it’s not necessarily a bad smell and the traffic isn’t horrible. It’s not the best, but it could definitely be louder and a lot slower. The field of flowing red tail lights ahead of us is oddly comforting, like a snail-slow pasture of mechanical color. 

All in all, it’s a pretty cozy start for a dreaded five hour bus ride. It’s giving me quiet time to think. So that’s where I’m at. Or should be. I got some stuff organized in my head last night even if I keep getting distracted now. Well, it was more like a couple hours ago, since I wasn’t able to get to sleep for so long after we said goodnight. But anyway, I’m trying to focus. It’s just hard, even with both of them sleeping.

From my and Ned’s spot behind them, watching the girls’ heads gently shake and bump against each other as the bus shudders through potholes is kind of calming. They seem so peaceful from this angle, like two people who’ve never pranked me and Ned to the point we were nearly suspended, or kept us awake and annoyed by asking paradoxical hypothetical questions because they know how Ned and I will argue for days if we don’t agree on an answer, or anything else like that. It’s like finding two mischievous cats sleeping, curled up on a chair. It’s easier to appreciate them when they aren’t causing chaos. But it’s not that hard to appreciate them when they are anyway.

Though Ned and I won’t admit it when they’re fully awake, seeing their heads smack into the seat in front of them each time the bus lurched to a halt at stoplights (during the first ten minutes after they’d fallen asleep) was funnier than it should’ve been. Even knowing then that we wouldn’t mention it later didn’t stop us from exchanging silent laughs when they leaned back up, muttering unintelligible complaints before settling their heads back onto one another. For the last couple stoplights before the highway, at least, we decided to be better friends. We both stood up with one leg on the floor and one knee on our own seat so we could easily hold their foreheads back each time it happened. Again, I wouldn’t admit this out loud, even to Ned, but it’s a little bit funny that Ned was a split second slower than me, so while I kept catching MJ’s head before the stop, he half-smacked Y/N’s forehead, like a really-close-to-the-floor basketball dribble, and made a wincing face each time. A lot of times. But it did stop her from colliding with the seat, and she didn’t wake up or complain. 

As nice as it is with them and almost everyone else sleeping through the dark, quiet first hour of the bus trek back to New York, I am excited for her and MJ to wake up. Whenever that is. I’ve missed them. 

But anyway, I really need to focus. God. I’m not doing a great job of that this morning. Apparently. So I’m focusing now. It’s like Ned said. I need to be honest with myself. 

Okay. 

Alright. 

No distractions. 

I’m going to set myself straight now, before we get back, so I can make a game plan and be more decisive and make less mistakes. Fewer? Yeah, fewer mistakes. She’s told me that half a dozen times this since she read that grammar book last summer. But that’s not important.

If I’m being honest... I think I’ve avoided the real possibility that things could work out between us because it felt too risky. And I make some dumb, impulsive choices. So that’s saying a lot. If she said no, what’s the worst that could happen? May and Ned have been asking me that for months, and it’s been so frustrating. The answer should be obvious. The worst thing wouldn’t be the rejection, it’d be if it made her uncomfortable and she broke off our friendship. Or, even if she stuck around, if our friendship changed and I had to watch her get more and more distant, knowing it was my fault and nothing would ever go back to normal. 

Those were the worst — and, I thought, most probable — possibilities. For months I’ve been certain that if anything changed, everything would, and it’d all go to shit. So I kept dodging it. And dodging her before the trip. But, then, things did change this weekend. Things are changing. We fought, and it was super shitty and awful and a total nightmare fiasco, but we made up. And she seemed almost as relieved as me when we did. Now we even have this pact about spending more time together. I know it’s officially only in the name of friendship, but something’s… different. I feel it, and I think she does too. And it doesn’t seem bad. That’s the craziest part. I mean, she even kissed me last night. On the cheek, but still. “Keep it.” Maybe May’s not ridiculous: she really might feel the same way. 

I’ve been texting her this morning, actually. Aunt May. I had to admit that I’m happy she forced me to do the forehead kiss thing last night. As annoyed as I was that she and Ned ganged up on me like that, I can’t dispute the results. She kissed me! Kind of. (To be fair, she did hit my mouth a little bit even if it was an accident.) At first it made me wonder if she heard any of Ned’s shout-comments before I could turn the t.v. up to cover what he was saying. But I doubt it. Even if she felt the same way, I know her too well to think she wouldn’t freak out more and enough that it’d be noticable. Yeah, no, I’d definitely have been able to tell if she’d heard him saying things like, “Nobody’s saying you have to tell her that you googled the probability of high school sweethearts getting married that time she saved your ass on that Bronte essay, but yeah, Aunt May’s right! Just ask her to come over and either talk to her or do the hair/forehead thing!” Anyway, May’s on board with her coming over a lot this week and next week and giving us some space. So are Ned and MJ. Ned said they agreed on giving us two weeks (starting tomorrow) without them hanging out after school. And who knows, if the dance goes really well, maybe it’ll be normal for us to hang out, just us, without the whole group. Because… well, I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself. 

I’ll admit, they’re the best friends I could ever have. All three of them. 

And it’s nice to have them all here now, Ned to my left and the girls in front of us. It’s even nicer to be outside of class or the city or crazy study sessions and have had a short breather from all that (despite the shitshow before we smoothed things over and could enjoy it). To be somewhere chill together. Yesterday and today probably feel even better because the last few days, or even weeks… no— months, if I’m being honest— have had me in a kind of less than happy place. But that’s over now. We’re all here and things are finally good. I just wish the girls would wake up, especially since Ned’s back on his phone. Again. 

Yesterday, everybody hung out for most of the afternoon, but being in the whole decathlon group isn’t the same as just being the four of us. Or two. 

Speaking of two— Ned being away during this next week or two is going to make everything so… unfiltered. New. Without his interference and being able to talk to him as often as normal, it’ll mostly just be her and me. Nobody to distract attention or blame stuff on or help me out when I’m doing something dumb (which is often). Like, for example, last night when I maybe let my excitement get the better of me and I might’ve jumped on the bed and thrown a pillow that accidentally broke the lamp on the nightstand. While I don’t really think writing that “Bill Mr. Harrington” note with the school’s address was Ned’s best idea, it helped me not care too much, enough that I didn’t do something dumber like actually tell Mr. Harrington. It might come back to bite us, though. Still, he was genuinely helpful this morning when Flash showed up too. 

While we were hanging out in the girls’ room waiting for them to finish packing, there was a knock on the door. I figured it was Mr. Harrington about to yell at me and Ned for the broken lamp, so I motioned to Ned to shut up and move closer to the head of the bed we were already sitting on where, courtesy of the wall between the bedroom and bathroom, he wouldn’t be able to see us as long as he stayed by the doorway. MJ gave us an odd glance before she got up to answer it. Her annoyed, “What are you doing here?” didn’t immediately disqualify Mr. Harrington, but the sound of Flash’s voice saying, “I, uh, brought you guys some muffins,” made me tense at the first syllable.

“The free muffins they give us for breakfast?”

MJ’s dripping sarcasm nearly made me laugh even though I couldn’t see her, but Y/N turning from her suitcase and walking over to join them killed it still in my throat. 

“Nope,” he said. “They’re fancy muffins from a bakery a few miles away.”

I wanted to roll my eyes out of my skull.

She may not like him, but that doesn’t mean I was wrong about him being into her. What a dumb way to impress someone. “Fancy muffins.”

“Expensive?” MJ asked. Even without seeing her face, I could tell she was giving him the squint death stare. It’s scary to have to respond to that face if you don’t know what the right answer is.

“Yes, especially with the delivery fee,” he said, sounding prepared for the question, “but they’re from a small local place, not a chain, which I figured you guys would appreciate. Actually, I think you’d like the woman who owns it, she was super grouchy and hard to convince.”

“Convince?”

“They don’t normally deliver at 5 in the morning.”

“Oh, so you thought you could just—”

“What kind did you get?” 

That’s one of the things I like about Y/N. She knows how to manage tempers and when to jump in; she has Flash and MJ down to a science. In that moment, though, I wanted MJ to fire her most confrontational questions at him with no mercy.

“Well, they’re all apology muffins—” I heard MJ scoff. Exactly. She gets it. “But I got blueberry, chocolate, obviously, coffee, cranberry orange, maple, I think that one has chicken in it or something, and banana nut.”

Ned and I turned towards each other with silent smirks at the last one. It’s a dumb joke, but under normal circumstances we’d never resist—

“Cool. Since you’ve brought so many, you can come in.”

Sometimes MJ drives me up the wall. This was one of those times. 

I mentally took back my agreement with her scoff.

The three of them came into the room, and for a couple seconds, Flash didn’t see us. The girls were closer to the window than they were to the wall and the bed Ned and I were sitting on, and he didn’t look behind him. Until MJ pointed us out directly.

“You can give them some too,” she said, her expression bordering on smug. “Apology muffins, right?”

Flash froze for a second. I straightened my back. Neither Ned or I said anything.

“Yeah, yeah,” he nodded. “Of course.”

Surprisingly, he shook his shoulders like a bug just buzzed by his head and walked over, opening a giant rectangle of a box up to us. 

“Take however many you guys want.”

I stared at him, not moving. Nobody flinched. Then I realized he was tapping the side of the box with his thumb. Not in an asshole come on, hurry up way, but in an anxious way. Just as I started to reach toward the box, Y/N asked:

“Why’d you get so many of the coffee ones?”

Flash looked away at just the right second. 

Did I technically cave first by reaching into the box? Yes. But did anyone see? No.

Although, I guess he technically caved by offering us the muffins in the first place. Ha. All the same, I took a blueberry one. 

“They’re my dad’s favorite. I wanted to surprise him, you know? But I can’t even get a hold of.... Um, are your guys’ parents going to pick you up when we get there, or are you actually staying for school?”

“Staying.”

“All of you?” 

He looked around to ask all of us, even me and Ned. We all nodded. When he looked at me, though, his eyes twitched. It’s a face I’ve gotten a lot before. He realized he said parents. 

“You said these are orange cranberry?” Ned asked, pointing. 

Flash nodded. 

“They’re solid, though the banana nut ones are probably the best.”

As I said, under normal circumstances, like if one of the girls had said it, I would’ve laughed right then, but I’m not used to laughing around Flash. Ned, who usually follows that same rule, shook his head and grinned, if a little bit... nervously?

“Hell no!” he said, pretending to be mildly outraged. “I’m not eating banana-bust-a-nut muffins.”

A second surprise: Flash tilted his head and paused, clearly as stunned to be told a joke by Ned as the rest of us were to witness it— and laughed. So did everyone else. It was only for a few seconds, like literally three quick seconds, but for the first time for as long as I can remember, all of us were laughing with Flash. It stopped almost as soon as it started. 

Tension crept back in soon so he left pretty quickly after that with an awkward, “See you guys in a few.” Thank god. 

The girls finished tidying their room and going over the homework that’s due today (which we did last week since we knew we’d never get it done on the trip), before forcing me and Ned into the hallway so Mr. Harrington wouldn’t need to check our room for us and potentially find the broken lamp. 

And then, pretty soon, we ended up on the warm bus, loaded in with everyone else. It seemed like everybody but Ned and I were too quiet and sleepy and squinty to be able to talk much before dozing off or staring blankly out the window or scrolling social media on their phones, the latter two options leading to the first in most cases. At this point, I think Ned, Flash, and I are the only ones still awake. 

I’m going to work at tolerating him. As long as he doesn’t cross any lines with anybody from now on, I won’t bait him either. (Admittedly, I’ve been guilty of that, especially recently.) I mean, his comment about his dad was hard to miss. And even when he said it, it wasn’t a shock. Everyone in our grade at some point has had to listen to Flash’s rambling excuses for his parents ignoring or forgetting to show up for school events. Maybe being a dick is just hereditary for him. Or a family tradition. 

I don’t remember how I got so off track. Where was I before? Oh yeah. Risk. Possibilities. The almost-worst case scenario that turned out not so bad. It’s been a messy weekend with plenty of re-evaluating, but the point is simple: I think I’ve got to give a few new things a try, and I’m excited to have a chance over the next couple weeks.

Next update: God only knows.

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[ai-katsuu]

F7 flirting with their partners hcs (rsea ver.)

Merlin

oh,,,where,,,do i start,,,

snow is definetly the cooler one in the relationship

she never stumbles on her words, is never nervous, and only loves magic boy with all heart

sparky-sparky-zappy boy, on the other hand, is that one guy who tries to be cool, and is confident at flirting until he actually does it

now he claimed to be a full time romantic in the movie but i have a feeling since he found true love with snow, his confidence on his moves dwindled down due to nervousness bc he actually rly likes her a lot and cares what she thinks of him not just presently, but in the future as well

one look at her is all it takes to bring him down :))

see the song lyrics: “flash! bam! alakazam! i got a look at you!”

“good morning snow white, you’re looking-”

“oh hey merlin! sorry one sec, whats up?” 

“i-,,uh-,,you uh,,smell pretty. i mean no, wait, you look pretty today. imsosorry...”

Jack

this boy is immersed in french culture so it would be no surprise if he was one of, if not the most romantic when it came to flirting

when it comes to audrey he is relaxed and can be himself around her, so nervousness is not on the table unless he has something big planned

when i say he is the most romantic, i mean he executes his words and moves with such ease. short, brief pecks in the hallway, light hugs every now and then. they are very natural and smooth!

though this would of course bring up some pda from him which everyone groans at

i think the only time he would get slightly embarrased is when he pulls a move on her only to be brushed off by her either due to her being focused on something else or she didn’t hear him the first time. he doesnt like repeating himself,,,

“mon amour, i value my breath so it would be nice if you didn’t take it away every time you walked by.”

“...”

“...”

“...hm..? wait let me just finish....okay done, what did you say?”

*sad whimper from jack* “...nevermind..”

Arthur

HIMMM

If you haven’t read Arthur and Gwen’s story please do bc he flirts with her at almost every given opportunity 

his moves have definitely improved since he tried to woo red shoes 

he loves to humor her all the time, sometimes acting a little stupid just for her amusement

gwen is the more shy one in the relationship so most of the time its arthur making all these cute gestures of affection towards her

he would bring her flowers, take her on adventures, and be a complete gentleman towards her

he knows she gets embarrassed and flustered so easily so he doesn’t push it with words 

he’s a true representation of a knight

“arthur! could you help me reach that book up there?” 

*grabs it and presents it to her on one knee* “milady” <--- she giggles after and its adorable these two omg-

Hans

needless to say, hans fully believes the motto of ‘cooking your way into her heart’

he shows his love and appreciation for briar through all of the meals he cooks. she is always the first one to try them as she loves tasting new kinds of recipes everyday

putting aside meals, he would often teach her how to cook as well. she did her fair share of cooking during her time in the forest but they were never as good as hans cooking

so they would have lessons in the kitchen and usually, briar is pretty good at it!

however this does lead to hans staring at her movements, lovestruck that he’s doing his favorite thing with his favorite person in his favorite place. and this does lead to some disasters in the kitchen.

“so i let that sit for another thirty minutes and...hans?”

“mhm..?”

“hans. the pot your stirring is on fire. you look like a crazy witch and her cauldron of death.”

Pino

Pino is essentially the eldest among his brothers and he has the most experience in life 

For him though, he didn’t flirt for fun in the past. He always thought those words and actions had to be saved for someone special, someone who really understood him and their relationship. And this was Gretel.

He shows his affection by reminding her about her health when she’s working too much. For flirting, he would use their mutal love on mechanics and make this cute little robot that walked up to her and gives her a little scroll that said, “i love you :>”

she laughs and appreciates all the little things he gives her. 

He doesn’t do any cheesy lines, rather he would just be happy if Gretel walks by and he would hug her out of nowhere. He is very romantic and sweet when it comes to her.

but then there is the issue of her older brother^^ hans watches them like a HAWK. pino is a little intimidated but still respects him. gretel isnt having any of it though.

“cara, i need some help. can you come to my room late-orrr it could wait. nevermind.”

“i swear to god hans i will murder you right now if you don’t stop.”

Noki

TSUNDEREEE

goldilocks is always the one showing affection towards him most of the time while he just shyly receives it. 

if they are alone he is basically down for any light and fluffy affection/flirting towards her

hates pda tho and wont hesitate to physically push her off (not with a lot of force thought) he scolds her a lot for having no shame while she just counterpoints him. 

goldie doesn’t think much of it and neither does noki until one time she actually started to tear up and cry bc she had hit her head on the side of a table. 

though he didn’t mean to hurt her, noki’s heart drops and he’s immediately all over her. he is SO SO guilty and showers her in affection and whatever she needs. he becomes such a loving and perfect boyfriend to her, whether they are in public or not

though goldies reaction was real, she knew EXACTLY how he would react and doesn't waste this opportunity to ask him for stuff he wouldn’t normally do

“mind holding my hand to the market?”

“sure. as long as you’re alright and you lean on me if you feel dizzy, okay?”

Kio

kio is genrally a very nice, kind, and helpful person 

but like his older brother, he is on the receiving end of affection from his own partner, peter pan

unlike noki, kio doesn’t mind pda but instead immediately shuts him down wheter they are lone or not

usually with a quick, ‘yeah, no.’ or ‘ew’ but trust me he loves them!

when he does show affection though, peter goes crazy and his brain fries out

 he does have his fair share of flirting! though it is very rare but he knows exactly what he is doing and in reality, is actually very smooth with it.

kio will give unexpected kisses, ruffle his hair, and even some occasional light uncharacteristic spicy stuff that leads peter to be flustered and wanting for more

kio is SO confident through it all, smugly smiling until it’s reverted back to a fake annoyed frown when peter chases after him

“w-wait! do that again please!”

“gross no, go away.” 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #92

“i’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?”

five things you associate yourself with: youtubers, meerkats, video games, snakes, photography. what’s your sleeping playlist (give me five songs)? i don't actually listen to music to sleep, but if i did... "lay your world on me" by ozzy osbourne, "nothing else matters" by metallica, "perfectly flawed" by otep, "coma black" by marilyn manson, "nebel" by rammstein. what is something that you’ve always wanted to be/have/get but can never have? a pet meerkat. but one, it's not legal in the u.s., but also, i don't really support keeping them as pets. are you a bee or a butterfly person? a dog or a cat person? butterflies and dogs. what would you like to call your significant other?  i use "hunny" most frequently. what are the names of your pets?  teddy, cali, bentley, venus. do you like to dip your fries or do you like it as is?  depends on my mood. sometimes i like them with ketchup, sometimes not. any special talent that you have? catastrophizing lmao who was your first crush?  not sure of *first*, but the first i remember was dylan. who was your 5th grade teacher?  mrs. whitley. she was also my second grade teacher. who would you kill if you could get away with it? no one. what was your high school mascot? firebird. what was your first screen name? uhhh, flowerourqueen i think? how do you feel about same sex marriage? go for it, dude. what are your favorite pieces of poetry?  anything edgar allan poe. what’s your favorite season? winter. what’s your fatal flaw? i have zero confidence. what color are your pants? orange, black, and white. they're halloween-themed. when was the last time you read a good book?  when i was in the hospital. "rise of the lich king" was great. favorite clothing store?  rebel's market. how often do you go to parties? if you don’t, what do you do instead? i never go to parties. and... stuff? who is the smartest person you know? girt. craziest thing you’ve ever done? go on a ride i was absolutely horrified of at a totally sketchy festival. is there a guy who you can go to with no make-up on in sweatpants and bedhead and he couldn’t care less? yeah, girt. do you and your family pray before eating dinner? no. what’s your favorite video game? "silent hill 2" do you own any form of a gameboy? yes. what’s your favorite store in the mall?  hot topic have you ever gotten a matching piercing or tattoo with someone? yes. do you like corn?  yeah. ever made out in a pool? not that i remember. last vacation destination you went to? the beach. have you ever been to seawo​rld? yes.​​ why were you last hospitalized? suicide attempt. do you prefer analogue or digital clocks?  analogue, aesthetically. are you one to sneak food into movie theaters? hell yeah i am because you're crazy if you pay that much for /movie theater/ food. do you feel more comfortable with a male or female doctor/nurse? a female, because i'm a female. can you write well in cursive?  yes. my normal writing is a mix of cursive. have you ever kissed someone who has previously kissed someone you hated? yep. is your all-time favorite television show still on air? no. would you ever donate blood?  i have before, but i probably wouldn't again. i'm too scared of passing out. are you looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend?  not actively, no. have you ever painted a car?  no. are there any gnomes in your yard?  no. what’s your favorite type of seafood? i only like shrimp. have you ever been to florida?  yes; my grandma lives there. which is harder - walking in the snow or sand? sand. do you think it’s okay to flirt with someone that’s already taken, as long as it goes no further?  no. are you adopted? no. do you say “i love you” even when you don’t mean it? i have to to my mom when she says it to me even if i'm pissed at her and don't feel like i do because if i don't, she pitches a fucking fit. do you prefer wheat or white bread?  wheat. is your profile private? my facebook profile? yeah. do you break things when you are mad?  no. people who do that scare me. is it okay to kiss people if you’re single?  no. that can really result to leading people on. do you want to be single?  i don't *want* to be, but i don't *mind* being single. there's a difference. have a built-in pool in your backyard? no. a trampoline? no. do you go tanning?  no. ever been to a circus?  yes. do you keep magazines by your toilet? no. what are the best kind of girl scout cookies?  those ones that're peanut butter filled and covered with chocolate. do you like to have ice in your drinks? no. waters it down. name a topic you consider yourself knowledgeable with. meerkats. what’s the easiest way to make you smile/laugh? just whisper "top of the mornin' to ya laddies" into my ear ho. okay no seriously idk. do you own any band merch?  yeah. what is your favorite way to eat popcorn? (buttered, salted, plain..) buttered and salted. have you ever faked being sick to get out of something? yep. do you know how to read music? i used to. probably not anymore. what's the saddest video game you've ever experienced? "that dragon, cancer" do you know how to tap dance? i know how to clog. same thing, just different shoes. did you believe in santa clause when you were little? yes. my ex didn't tho and i felt so bad for him lol. what’s your favorite flavor of skittles? red how bad are your hangovers? never had one. have you ever broken a bone? if so, what was the cause of it? not broken, but fractured. i bent my wrist all the way backwards when i fell while skating. which of your five senses would you give up? smell. are there any animals you flat out refuse to touch? slugs, maggots/larvae... what brand of batteries do you usually get? duracell, i think? what super power would you refuse, if it was offered to you, and why? mind reading. what's your favorite discontinued product that you wish would come back? hmmm... who is someone you would never swear in front of? my grandma. have you ever caught a fish? yeah. is there a song that makes you cry every time you hear it?  no. a plant grows on your grave after you die, carrying a piece of your soul - what plant would it be? a weeping willow tree. pen or pencil? pencil. can you run a mile in under 7 minutes?  HA what’s your favorite shampoo/conditioner?  i use suave. are you a fan of the grand theft auto series? no. do you like the beach? not really. i hate the feeling of sand. have you ever sleep walked? no. how about sleep talked? yeah. gum or mints? gum who did you last attend a concert with? mom, nicole, jason. have you ever received nude pictures from someone? no. admit it: you had a neopets account. you're goddamn right i did lmao waffles or pancakes? pancakes. name a food that doesn’t sit well in your stomach.  fancier foods, really. my stomach gets upset fast. what’s your favorite eye color? blue. have you ever been accused of cheating? nope. do you like chinese food? only the fried rice and eggrolls. how big is your bed? queen favorite comedian?  john pinnette, rip<3 do you smoke?  no. does anyone like you?  *shrugs* do long distance relationships work?  sure, some do. pancakes or french toast?  french toast. best thing about winter? snow!! do you have feelings for someone? i always will. do you like sushi? never tried it, never will. i'm perfectly aware i'd hate it. do you like your hair? yeah. it's really healthy. have you ever been prescribed narcotics? yes, xanax. does it take a lot for someone to annoy you?  NOPE do you want your tongue or belly button pierced? i wanted snake eyes on my tongue for a long time, but i learned from a professional piercer that with me having a metal retainer behind my bottom teeth, it's really an awful idea. a belly button piercing would be cute, but i'd need to be much skinnier to look good with one. do you hate it when people smoke around you? very much. can you take a bra off with one hand? no. are you donating your organs? yes. i won't exactly need them, might as well help others. what kind of deodorant do you use? secret. do you sleep on your side, stomach or back?  side, always. ever met any online friends in person?  no, but i want to. do you know how to sew? no. did you ever have to share a room with one of your siblings?  i shared a room with my little sister nicole for years. have you ever been a fan of n*sync? of course i was. but i was and still am more of a bsb gal. do you think you’re fat sometimes? i don't just think i am, i'm fully aware i am. do you think you would be a good parent?  no. are you any good at math? i actually was until the alphabet came into it lmao have you ever been called a hick? no. have you ever rode around in the bed of a pick up truck? ha ha ha bad follow-up question. but yes. can you touch your nose with your tongue? no. were you a big jump roper back in the day? yes. i got very close to being able to double-dutch. can you play pool? i mean i'm not good, but there's nothing hard about hitting a ball with a stick. do you think that you are a good singer? no. what languages can you count to ten or higher in? english, german time for a random question about the person you love/like. what’s his/her favorite food? i'm not entirely sure, but i think pizza. what’s the age difference between your parents? which one is older? two years. mom's older. if someone read your mind right now, what would they hear? chanting of "BILL! BILL! BILL!", mark fischbach's laughter, dank memage, and. y'know. other stuff. do you like egg yolks? NO. have you ever played bejeweled? yes. my mom was totally into it for a while. who would you never give a kidney to?  my mom. at least i'd probably do it; i'd be really fucking scared. my mom only has one kidney to begin with, so if this kidney fails, she's done. have you ever been bitten by a rat?  no. my pet rats have nibbled on me before, but never bit me. do uncrustables look disgusting to you, or is that just me?  i think they're gross, honestly. does blueberry syrup sound good to you, right now? no, ew. is there someone that has really influenced your life? who? my therapists at holly hill and mark fischbach taught me soooo much about positivity. come on, everyone loves cartoons! what’s your favorite one? pokemon, duh. what is the most common misconception with you? i'm antisocial and don't care because i don't talk much. out of the seven deadly sins, which do you feel is the worst? wrath. have you been guilty of that sin a lot? no. i'm not a vicious person. congrats, you’re getting a new car! what color do you choose? i don't drive, but if i did, i want a burnt orange car. be honest: do you illegally download music? yeah. what’s the worst crime someone can commit? rape. do you ever rock out to those 90s songs?  hell yeah. shit i grew up with. what color is the hair of the last person you kissed? black. does the last person you kissed wear glasses? no. who knows the most about you - your friends or your parents?  my ex knows more about me than anything, but between the two, my mom. how many people would you say you’ve been ‘in love’ with? one. ever have detention at school? what for? yes, for too many tardies. if your parents were going to adopt one of your friends, who do you think they would choose? colleen. has anyone ever tried to ruin a relationship you were in? what happened? yes. and the bitch didn't get her wish. were you ever bullied in school? how did you deal with it?  no, thank god. what dog breed is the cutest ever? akita inu. do you or have you ever owned a pair of light up shoes? as a kid, yeah. ha ha i loved them. when was the last time you watched the sun set? hm. it's been too long. i think it was this one time chelsea, colleen, and i went walking around a soccer field. would you ever have an open relationship? HA. no. by society's standards, are you attractive? ha, no. would you let your kid smoke weed? hell no. who was your first friend?  brianna. we were like two. have you ever been to germany?  i wish. what is your middle name?  marie. catherine if you count my catholic middle name. do you have any nieces or nephews? including half-siblings, i have ten or eleven that i know of. i can't remember if katie has three or four, and idk if tiffany has kids. do you know anyone who's in a destructive/unhealthy relationship?  yes. if you had money right now, what's one thing you would buy?  tickets and gas to go see markiplier's show in june, if he plans a show within reasonable driving distance from nc. would you ever own an exotic animal?  depends on *how" "exotic." ex., i'd own a sugar glider or kinkajou. when you decide you’re ready to become a parent, what’s something you would never do that your parents have done in the process of you growing up?  you mean *if* i wanted to be a parent, which i don't? first of all, i'd never, ever, spank my kids. do fucking not teach your kids through fear. who is the funniest person you know?  that i know personally? girt. have you ever kissed underwater? i think so. would you rather have big or small dogs? i like medium-sized dogs. what is your opinion on beards? depends. what is the most fun part of halloween to you? dressing up! do you believe that the moon landing was real or do you think it was fake?  i actually do see why some people think it's fake because there are some VERY compelling pieces of evidence, but i do believe it was real. what is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done? oh, where to begin. what is the worst thing a relative ever did to you? like screamed at me and called me an ungrateful bitch. do you think that everyone is capable of love? no. if you could have a customized phone, what would you put on it? ha ha i really want that cute case that looks like a medicine bottle and is labeled "chill pills" when you were little, what was your favorite game? the original "spyro the dragon" trilogy would you rather sleep on the moon with a stardust dress or on a tiny flower with a sunflower dress? well there's a strange question. but the first. what is one thing that reminds you of childhood? catching fireflies. have you ever talked to someone when they were high? not knowingly. when was the last time you read a full book?  months ago. in february, i started reading "the maze runner," but i didn't finish it. how many brothers do you have? one half-brother. do you like mexican food? no. are you old enough to buy alcohol? oh wow... i just fully fathomed that i am. who’s your favorite disney character? mufasa. have you ever taken the eharmony personality quiz?  HAHAHA GUYS I DID ONCE OUT OF TOTAL CURIOSITY AND IT COULDN'T MATCH ME WITH ANYONE what’s the nickname of your home state?  tar heel state. have you ever thought about your wedding?  yeah. what’s the worse type of weather in your opinion?  scalding hot and humid. ugh. would you rather read or write?  write. would you rather see taylor swift or carrie underwood in concert?  i mean really neither, but i prefer carrie. growing up, did you see your cousins often?  no. none of my cousins live in nc. do you have any posters on your walls? lots. two silent hill ones, one of illidan from wow, one of metallica, one meerkat one, one music-oriented one, a quote by mother teresa, and one of jack skellington. what’s your favorite sad song? probably "fade to black" by metallica. do you personally know any authors? i met a poet while in the hospital once. he was quite talented. what condiments do you like on hamburgers? ketchup, mustard what did you get your dad for his last birthday? nothing. i don't get money and god knows mom would never buy me something for him. do you like foods with coconut in it? no. do you like carrots more if they’re raw, or cooked?  i don't like carrots. what’s a chore you don’t mind doing? vacuuming have you ever been to costco? we don't have costco here. do/did you have to wear a uniform to your high school? no, thank god. how many video games do you own?  A LOT. we have a huge case. do you like the name cindy for a girl?  no. have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal? no. what are your point of view of the world? ex. liberal/conservative, spiritual/atheist: mostly conservative, religious. is there an age where being a virgin, you think, would be awkward? ... no? do you find zac efron sexy? eh, not "sexy," but cute. do you think aliens are real? no, but who really cares. be concerned about our planet first. do you have any scars on your body? left shin, chin, and the top of my right wrist. what was your favorite childhood toy? i actually had a bunch i used to play with. two t-rexes, a tricerotops, two crocodiles, two deer, and a few pokemon figurines. i actually still distinctly remember the deer was named kim and the crocodile was named marlin and they were husband and wife lmao. don't argue with my childhood logic. what color is your favorite eye shadow? black. what’s your favorite hairstyle on a guy? i am a fucking 14-year-old bc i have a huge weakness for the emo swoop okay. who was the last person to call you beautiful? tyler. what is your least favorite sour patch kids color? orange. would you take your ex boyfriend/girlfriend back? tyler, no. jason, only if he SERIOUSLY proved himself to me again. are your parents religious? yeah. are you religious?  yes. do you actually read your friends' surveys, or do you just copy paste them and fill them out yourself? i do. it's a good way to learn about people. which is your favorite episode of “i love lucy”? i'm not gonna spell this right, BUT THE VITAMEATAVEGIMAN ONE. name two people who you are closest with?  mom and sara. which one of those two people would you eat first if you were starving?  neither. i'd rather die. there are some things where living would no longer be worth it. do you know what the heck the difference is between the statements “we’re just dating” and “we’re together”? yes. "we're together" is definitely more serious. what would you call your aesthetic? gore, glitchy art, pastels, jellyfish, lace, black, scene/goth/emo style bc LAME, space, vintage favorite songs at the moment? it's been "do i wanna know?" by the arctic monkeys for a long time. favorite movies? my #1 is "alice in wonderland," tim burton's version. i also love "the crazies," "blair witch project 2: book of shadows," "white chicks," etc. what’s the name of the last cat you pet? either lexi (our old cat), or one of anna's (sister's mother-in-law) many cats. have you ever eaten stringed green beans before? yes. when talking on the phone, do you place it against your left or right ear?  right. what’s your favorite flavor of muffin? chocolate chip. does your father have any facial hair? yes. does your sibling have a significant other? katie, bobby, and tiffany, idk. misty and ashley, yes. nicole, no. any idea what you want for your next birthday? another tattoo. have you ever ridden an elephant? no. what parts of your body are shaved? armpits and legs. imagine you are 34 weeks pregnant. you are healthy and you didn’t have any major problems in your pregnancy. would you consider flying from the uk to germany, which takes one hour, without a bad feeling that something could go wrong or the baby decides to come out earlier? no. i probably just wouldn't do it. has anyone ever mistaken you for a satanist? yes, because of my wardrobe, especially in high school. would you take a very casually dropped 'maybe i should just kill myself’ as a warning sign? yes. are you aware that although only about 14 percent of the american total population is black, that about 70 percent of the people in jail in america are black?  why does something tell me that the person who made this survey is racist?? do you agree with the people who say that everyone is bi-sexual even if they don’t want to admit it? absolutely not, that's ridiculous. if you knew that one of your friends was considering suicide, what would you say to them? cliche, but i'd tell them it's not the answer nor is it ever worth it. and i'd call 911 myself. which disney princess do you think is the most beautiful? why? hm. not sure. if you met the celebrity that you most admire, what would be the first thing you’d say to him/her? god bless if i ever met mark, i know i'd tell him first, "if there truly is a god, i want him to be like you." what genre of movie do you typically watch the most? i prefer horror. do you enjoy visiting zoos or wildlife parks? yes to both. if you could bring back any extinct animals, what would you pick? tasmanian tiger. would you ever eat a traditional "pet", like cat, dog or guinea pig? no. what kind of wild animals do you see where you live? squirrels, opposums, raccoons, whitetail deer... what do you think of animals like orcas/dolphins being kept in captivity for entertainment? i don't support it. which one of your friends have you known the longest? colleen. are you good at making new friends? no. can you describe what was going through your mind during your last kiss? it only lasted a second, but "i really don't know if i should be doing this." how many friends do you have, whose name begins with g? one: girt do you like the hunger games? i've read the first book and seen the first movie. it's fine. are you any good with kids? no. like i shit you not i once pet my niece's head lmao would you ever like to meet marilyn manson? no. he's one of my all-time favorite artists, but i don't want my already-poor image of him to be further defiled. love him as a musician, but he's honestly a pretty shit person. would you rather hold hands or link arms with your significant other?  hold hands. do you always blow-dry your hair after you wash it? never. i would be there for a looong time. my hair is super super thick and takes at least ten minutes to fully blow-dry. have you ever witnessed a birth? only cat births. i never want to experience a human birth. it's not magical, it's gross. do you buy eggnog around the holidays? eggnog's gross. have you ever been on a farm? yes. last three texts on your phone are from? mom, sara, ashley. did you ever have braces? i did for too long because we didn't have the money to take them off. thank god they're gone now. what was the hardest language you’ve ever tried to learn? latin. that shit was like impossible. who is the prettiest person you’ve ever met? my friend alon. what does your voice sound like? mumbly, deep. what event did you last dress up for? who went to that event? my sister's wedding. and lots of people. do you believe prayer really works? honestly don't know. i kinda think it's just a display of faith to talk to god. idk if it really influences him to "do" anything. Nope. does it bother you when dogs lick you? no. do you feed your pets human food?  they'll sometimes get a little piece. what’s the strangest or rarest creature you’ve seen at a zoo? i think i've been to a zoo that had a tiger once... do you think violence in video/computer games influences the nation? no. that claim is ludicrous. i’m sure you know of the gamer fad on youtube. who’s your favorite? markiplier, easily. but i also like pewdiepie and 8bitryan. deserts: dreary or beautiful? beautiful. ever seen a panda? no. ever actually seen a snake in the wild? yes. i've seen rattlesnakes, water moccasins, and others. have you ever had a PET snake? what kind? yes. i've now had/have three ball pythons. ever had an encounter with a snapping turtle? they’re scary! yes. my sister actually caught a huge one while fishing. dad sadly had to just cut the line. wherever you live, have you ever seen your national bird? once. ever had a reptile as a pet that you had to feed crickets? yes, a chinese water dragon. ever play hearthstone?  yeah. didn't really get into it. ever gone hunting? biggest thing you’ve ever shot? no. i don't really support hunting for sport. how about fishing? biggest thing you’ve ever caught? lots of times. pretty big river catfish. coolest place you’ve ever been fishing? ohhhhh! there's this place downriver of a dam that's deep in the woods. like, DEEP in the woods. it's sooo fucking beautiful. what’s in a camel’s back? fat. steve irwin: foolish for messing around with animals or brave for teaching us? he was fucking amazing. don’t you think it’s a bit deceptive to wear a push-up bra? *rolls eyes* do you truly believe we came from chimps?  nope. well, what do you think of extra bones and even organs in our bodies? why do we have them? do your research and you'll know that our "extra" organs actually have purpose; i can't remember which, i think the appendix though, is vital to an fetus's existence. as for bones, i honestly don't know, but i don't believe that automatically points to evolution. weirdest video game you’ve ever played? i mean i'd say the whole "silent hill" series is pretty damn weird. what’s your favorite kind of penguin?  emperor. don’t you think we’re spending too much money on exploring the mere theory of climate change? "theory." get outta here. everyone always wants to know your favorite animal. what’s your SECOND favorite? probably rhesus macaques. i just really like social animals. would you marry someone of a different religion? depends on the religion, honestly. religion plays a key role in determining your core beliefs. favorite song by the band the offspring?  "pretty fly for a white guy," probably. maybe "self esteem." have you had your wisdom teeth out? no, but i have one on my bottom right that technically needs out, but after hearing how painful that procedure is, i reeeaaally don't wanna do that. your appendix?  no. do you like the idea of promise rings in relationships?  sure. not quite ready to promise marriage, but promise to be ready some day. would you date someone 8 years older than you?  yeah. what is your secret weapon to lure the opposite sex? lmao what secret weapon? do you have a favorite name? what is it? alessandra. do you watch scary movies on your own?  yeah. scary movies just don't affect me. have you ever had to have stitches?  yes, in my chin. what was your favorite pokemon as a child?  charmander.

[stupidpianist]

10 October 2018

08:00: Woke extremely blearily. Was like, “Jesus, I feel like I didn’t get any sleep last night.” Was one of those nights where you’re sort of phasing in-and-out of sleep but you’re never fully asleep and never fully conscious. Remember distinctly thinking, at multiple moments throughout the night, that my pillow “felt inordinately uncomfortable,” without being able to cognize why, even after visual/tactile investigation of said pillow. First emotion I recall upon waking: extreme, almost shocking levels of stress/anxiety. Told myself, “breathe, just deep breathe, like you see in those meditation videos,” and rationalised that cortisol levels follow a strong diurnal rhythm, with “high levels in the morning that peak 30-45 minutes after waking, dropping rapidly for the next several hours and declining slowly throughout the rest of the day, until a low point of around midnight.” Deep breathing seemed to have an opposite effect, felt distinctly “out-of-breath” like I had been running for five-to-ten minutes, felt increasingly panicked.

08:55: Felt a sensation like I “might as well” get up, stood, walked to bathroom, splashed water on my face. Chose hair product I haven’t used in months to try and “switch things up,” feeling a little mischievous, or something. I usually use this Gatsby branded Asian hair product, but “went with” my pink Reuzel “heavy grease” one today, with pretty good results, maybe, possibly. Then walked to sink, where I made a G Fuel energy shake and drank it while standing and staring at my wall, feeling “extremely surprised” that I “somehow didn’t feel tired” despite not really sleeping the entire night.

09:10: Moved to bed and idly browsed Facebook while thinking, “do a ‘mix-and-match’ outfit today, go ahead, go crazy,” and chose slightly older jeans and a slightly newer jacket. Felt medium-to-high levels of panic re: entire future of my life, short-term tasks I hadn’t done yet, long term-tasks I hadn’t done yet. Attempted to force “positive thinking” on myself through unrelentingly repeating aphorisms in my head, and ceaselessly telling myself that “I can do it,” and that “I’ll get through it,” and will “feel better in an hour or two.”

09:35: Walked to “Animal Behaviour and Theory” lecture, vaguely annoyed that it was drizzling a little. Decided to be a “polite pedestrian,” a “law-abiding citizen” and didn’t jaywalk, despite sometimes being at intersections with no cars within eyeshot, waiting for the walk signal to illuminate. Felt strangely unable to decide what music to play from iPod, switching between bands before settling on Kero Kero Bonito.

10:04: Notes from margins of my notebook from lecture:

-Chose to write with “classic pen” over “fancy pen”

-Energy… fading…

-Seem unable to stop shaking left leg

-Is this a homemade carbonara sauce?

-Gosh I’m tired

For most of the lecture I actually felt, like, attentive and focused. I really like the professor who teaches this class, who I also took another psych course with over the summer. He’s my favourite professor this semester “by a long shot,” and I genuinely enjoy going to his classes. Distinctly remember a lot of the jokes he makes, and am also appreciative that he goes over denser topics at a reasonable rate, whilst not overdoing simpler ones. Another observation—he always has the same thermos, unfalliably, every class, and I’m pretty certain it’s filled with coffee. Seems like he drinks an egregious amount of coffee, like, more than almost anyone I’ve ever met. I looked him up on Facebook one night, just out of curiosity, and saw that he listens to thrash metal, which makes a lot of sense, ie. corroborates well with his general presence. He once made a small exclamation of astonishment that there are scientists who “study blue jays”; I felt similarly surprised.

11:36: Hardcore debating with myself whether or not to “stick it through” and just spend the rest of the day on campus practicing piano and studying, then going home, or if I should go back home for a bit and nap. Unsure if I have… the “stamina”... the “drive”... the “tactical know-how”... the “desire” to push on…

Okay, no, no, I’ve decided, I have to do this, I can’t break down on the second day of liveblogging, NOT ON THE SECOND DAY. My head is going “you can’t do this to yourself, George, you can’t quit now,” like, in a motivational, Will Smith-esque voice. Imagining Will Smith leaning over my shoulder, one arm around me, with slightly furrowed eyebrows going, “come on, man, you can do it, you can D-O I-T,” and really annunciating the last few consonants. Yes, yes, feeling “renewed energy,” feeling like I’m gonna go practice, then go to my last lecture, and “finish off the day,” just “tie it off in one fell swoop.”

12:07: Reading Megan’s Liveblog with the intent to stop reading it once my need to use the bathroom becomes “unavoidable.” Still listening to Kero Kero Bonito. Feel strongly that this is going to be the “vibe” for today, and felt immediate aversion towards using the word “vibe” in a viscerally disgusted manner.

Feel earnest and tear-inducing empathy towards song “Sometimes” by Kero Kero Bonito, semi-dancing to it with my torso and head in the library. Softly singing along to the lyrics:

“Sometimes, life gets you down

But you can turn it all around

The raindrops keep falling, you're soaking to the bone

And you can't see for the clouds

Sometimes, life isn't fair

But you can beat it, don't despair

You win some, you lose some

And then you lose some more

You even played your best

But just round the corner

The sun's looking dapper

And Lady Luck's his date

The happy days are coming again

Sometimes, life is a drag

But get that chin up, don't be sad

'Cause somebody up there is looking out for you

And now they're makin' plans

But just round the corner

Well, the real truth of it's that nobody really knows

Life sure doesn't make sense

But on your boots you can bet

That everybody gets the blues sometimes”

I feel like a major part of why I’ve been so endeared to this band for years is just its honest, down-to-earth, non-elaborated-nor-ornamented, non-pessimistic but non-optimistic, just truthful look at life. Feel like it “mixes well” with the slightly childlike, but forlorn instrumentals. Feel like this is definitely “intentional,” and I’m “nowhere near” the first person to point this out, but still feel good that personally observing this elicited such strong, benevolent emotional feedback.

12:25: Really, really considering going to Burger King for “Whopper Wednesday” and getting a cheapass Whopper meal… Feel my stomach “churning for that Whopper.” Brain is going, in sing-song-ey voice, “you want that Whopper, dontcha, big boy, you want that Whopper digesting in your big ol’ tummy huh big boy.”

12:34: Sent a Snapchat to best friend Felix while leaving library in direction of Burger King. The Snap read “Yo wanna hit up Burger King Whopper Wednesday today”. Meant it as a bit of a joke, as Felix lives in Ottawa (and I live in Montreal). Used to enjoy getting food with him to a significant, nearly unbelievable degree. Imagined him opening the Snap while on break at work and smiling, maybe even grinning a bit.

12:45: My internal voice just announced, “Now arriving at Burger King,” with a subway-announcer-like cadence and tone, as I entered the Burger King, slightly afraid that there would be a massive line, being that I was arriving around, or just after “peak lunch hours.” Well guess what?? Barely a line. Barely one at all. Must have taken just shy of five minutes to place an order. “One Whopper meal, please,” I said. It was a “smooth interaction.” No hiccups or speed bumps or unforseen conversation points brought up without proper preparation.

Ahead of me were two people who asked for “the spicy sauce,” and the person behind the counter placed “buffalo” sauce on their tray, which made me think, “why not, treat yourself, go for it, how many times can a man eat buffalo Burger King sauce?” and so I asked the lady for “some buffalo sauce, please.” Made me feel a little spoiled.

Chose “Cherry Coke” and almost immediately regretted it after first sip. Should have gone with “ol’ faithful,” the “OG” Coke, sans extra flavourings. An amateur mistake, and one that I’ll learn from in the future.

I sat near a window, and while eating, conspicuously stared outside and people-watched, and made direct, extended eye contact with thirty, maybe forty, maybe even fifty people?? A lot of them seemed to have actively depressed facial expressions, which, combined with the grey weather, made me feel slightly concerned for the general public as a whole.

Attempted to offset this feeling of desperation/dysphoria by strategising the most optimal way to consume french fries whilst also eating a burger. Tried a multitude of different “tactics,” including:

-pre-dipping and leaving the french fries in the sauce, so they could accumulate “sauce flavour” and be “ready for the picking” whenever you wanted one

-placing the fries inside the burger so as to eat both at the same time and sort-of do the whole “two birds one stone” thing

-assigning one hand as the “dedicated fry hand,” the other hand as the “dedicated burger hand,” and ensuring that, while taking bites of the burger, the other hand reached and grabbed more fries; this seemed to be a little complicated as the meal went on, given the messiness of the burger, which became increasingly sloppy with each bite

After these experiments I eventually just settled on holding the burger with both hands (still in the wrapper to minimise direct skin-on-food contact) and routinely putting it down on the papered tray to stuff some fries in my mouth. Sad.

13:05: Left Burger King. Walking to practice rooms. It’s a lot colder now than when it was when I first walked to campus. Like, much colder. Like, much, much colder.

13:13: Smelled pungent odour in basement of music building, seemed like a byproduct of Vietnamese banh mi/pho place in the music cafeteria?

13:18: Practiced Schubert “therapeutically,” Alkan “aggressively, then Thalberg “for maintenance.” Completely forgot about my previous tiredness, also temporarily forgot about ~90% of the external world for a good portion of the “practice session,” which surprised me. Made me want to “keep going.” Responded to Facebook messages from best friend Poppy, who lives in the same apartment complex as me, in response to how much colder the day had gotten since both of us woke up.

15:09: Practice session rudely interrupted by protesters outside on sidewalk blaring horn sounds. Didn’t notice them while practicing, but now that I’ve started fixating on them, I can’t hear anything except for their interminable squawking. ALERT!!! SHUT UP!!!! NOBODY CAN HEAR THEMSELVES!!!! YOUR PROTEST HAS FOUR PEOPLE!!!! WHAT ARE YOU PROTESTING!!!! YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A SIGN!! I HATE YOU!!!

I don’t actually hate them I shoiuldn’t have typed that, “hate” is too strong a word to use 99.99% of the time, I feel, in any situation. Need to “get the hell out of here,” though, cannot possibly concentrate with this din.

15:15: Walking back to McLennan library to “work on things” on computer before next lecture, “Intro to Behavioural Neuroscience.” Reading music reviews of recently-released albums on phone while walking. Feel high spikes of excitement to listen to Marissa Nadler’s new album, For My Crimes, all my favourite music reviewers are unanimously praising it. Really loved her last album, Strangers. Reading Pitchfork blurb for this new one: “On her moody eighth album, the Boston singer-songwriter examines the icy terrain of marital strife through the lens of her habitual gothic folk.” Thinking, “yes, yes, yes, good, good, thank you, yes, amazing.” Also thinking, “Wait, she’s from Boston?”

15:25: Seated at desktop workstation in McLennan ground floor. Reading any articles on Marissa Nadler I can find, Megan Boyle’s Liveblog open in another tab, Spotify open in another tab, Marissa Nadler’s new album playing. Sounds so good so far.

Woman seated to the right of me is bobbing her head to a song with a similar rhythmic pattern to the song playing for me… We’re both bobbing our heads a little, we’re in sync… Looks like a miniature silent dance party in this corner of the library, in this corner of the library we really “know how to party,” we really “get it on.” We’re a “coupla party animals” up in THIS corner of the library, i tell you what.

16:03: Woman to my right packed up her supplies and left. Sad. Was studying some history course on France. Enjoyed our “moment” together. Feel strongly that anonymous, limited, spontaneous connections with strangers, often based on music, are immensely enjoyable, some of the most enjoyable interactions one can have, I feel.

Recalling “silent disco night”: showed up to the venue, everyone put on headphones and loaded up the pre-made mix, started the mix at the same time. At around ten pm, disco leader danced in front of us leading “the pack” through the streets as we all aggressively danced to mix nobody else could hear. A “life changing” experience. Please do it at least once in your life, you “owe it to yourself.”

Marissa Nadler album seeming to “sync up” perfectly to reading Megan’s Liveblog in an uncanny way. Unfortunately feel mounting dread over going to next lecture, knowing I will likely be nodding off for ~60-70% of it, not because the material is uninteresting, but the format of the lecture is unfortunately unconducive towards holding interest, I feel… Am trying not to “trash talk” anyone, feel distinctly worried that this could come across as “trash talking” to some of u, trust me, I am not trash talking this class, the problem is me, not the lectures, I am just a bad student, trust me, please, please…

Contemplated not going, then reverted back to my “no, George, you can’t just skip class willy nilly like this” thinking. Feeling this liveblog actively coercing me to do things like go to class in a beneficial manner. “Thank you, liveblog,” I’m thinking, softly, in my head.

16:31: Speedwalking to lecture. Feeling “determined,” almost recklessly so, to attempt to remain focused for the entirety of this class.

16:59: Notes scrawled while sitting in class:

-Oh my gosh i should just leave, eh?

-Sensory transduction

-Feel focus fading fast

-Reading Megan’s Liveblog in class via phone

-Need to go pee anyways

-Gonna leave after another ~30ish minutes, I think... That’s a “healthy medium,” right? Have I FAILED MYSELF? Ha ha. Na. 

-Just gotta rly catch up on these lectures

-Three other people left, thought, “three down,” classroom seems only 1/2 full since first day of class

-Jeez I gotta pee I’m so leaving gosh I’m so bad I’m so behind in this class anyways but all the lectures are recorded so I think I’ll be fine...

17:12: Couldn’t do it. That’s right, folks. I’ve “thrown in the towel.” Feel free to beat on my lazy dumb rump, just come up to me and backhand smack me across the face. Don’t be afraid to knock a few teeth loose, it’s been a long time coming. 

I am feeling “vaguely adventurous,” though, I’m going to use one of the bathrooms in the Leacock/Arts building underground tunnel that I almost never use; last time I used it was when I did the all day full reading of Milton’s Paradise Lost like almost a full year ago. That was really life changing, I don’t think the professor is doing it again this year, but I hope I can get an invite to Miltonmas again?

(You’re wondering what Miltonmas is. It’s hosted by the resident Milton expert professor here at McGill, and it’s this get together on Milton’s birthday, which always falls nicely and coincidentally near holiday break. I went last year and it was, like, super fun. Not very Milton-themed though, just a lot of wine, a lot of English students, and then at the end of the night there was caroling. Now you know what Miltonmas is, you’re welcome.)

UPDATE: used the bathroom. They had one of those newfangled Dyson Airblade V dryers that I always go crazy for (”Now 30% quieter & costs 69% less to run than other hand dryers. Free 5 year warranty available.”), though not as crazy as those Airblade dB ones you shove your hands down vertically into.

 Check this bad boy out: 

Bumped into one of the volunteers for the community piano program I help coordinate and he said he was about to take an organic chem midterm and I made an exaggeratedly concerned facial expression, then said, “good luck, man.” He responded, “see you” a few seconds later after I had already walked away a bit, and I spun around again said, “yea, see you soon,” then continued walking home. 

17:28: Y’all won’t even believe the kind of shenanigans I’m about to get myself into. Guess what I’m about to do? Take your wildest, I can almost guarantee you’re gonna be so so off the mark.

I’m getting grocery store sushi.

That’s right, I, George, a simple peon, am treating myself to TWO meals out in ONE day. I have no idea why I’m doing this. I was just walking home and my brain said, “you know what’d be good? Cheap, cold, bad grocery store sushi. Go get it, go, fetch, you dog, fetch for me, I want it.”

18:05: Ate the sushi while watching videos of people preparing sushi on YouTube. It was extremely unsatisfying and tremendously filling to the point where I regret even buying it. I should have known better. Filing this one in another one of “today’s failures,” and in the entire-orders-of-magnitude larger folder of “my life’s failures.” Shoot.