#I'm applying myself more and more to do these little things
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#dc#dc comics#batman#gotham rogues#gotham villains#scarecrow#jonathan crane#rouges moodboard series#aesthetic#moodboard#image set#aesthetic moodboard#I'm applying myself more and more to do these little things#criminal minds ruined me#sorry for my bad english
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ok i got a little emotional bc i have gotten so much better at putting on nail polish and it's 😭
#i used to be so fucking bad at it when i started last year#and it made me feel a little bad it was so frustrating and lowkey upsetting#bc it's already not easy to go out wearing nail polish as a transmasc person who doesn't “”pass“” super well#it was super difficult at first to not feel self conscious and like. uncomfortable with being gnc#and on top of that i SUCKED at it so it was like i'm going thru this nerve wracking thing and it doesn't even look good ????#but slowly i got both more comfortable going out wearing nail polish AND better at applying it#i've finally bought this like nail polish corrector pen thing a few weeks ago and i just painted my nails and barely needed to use it!!!#even my right hand looks good!!! i didn't mess up in any visible way!!!!#it's just. yeah it's silly but i'm proud of myself for this bc wearing nail polish feels really good for me it's very gender euphoria#so to have gotten better at the whole thing and so feeling less uncomfortable doing it! yes!!!!#it still hurts that i get misgendered even more when i wear it and i still sometimes get self conscious but. i deal with it bc i like#genuinely love having my nails painted <3#ok sorry i'll shut up. gender feelings are . so overwhelming sometimes#nico rambles
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#i have little to no rationale for this but this is an art blog after all so here is a random little something i did on break#wanted to do smth more illustrate-y for once and render. i missed painting and. faces are always fun to paint so i just started shading and#tadaa? out of the dreamscape indeed and inspired quite heavily by anastasia#<blinks?> i'm!! not sure!!! what i'll be posting from now on!!! welcome back to the avvy-has-a-crisis-over-blog-content //#ending-with-the-resolution-to-post-whatever // and then feeling like since people are following for six ... should. post that instead. //#i saw somewhere in a ted talk of smth that be yourself and your people will find you. i feel like that applied here when i was fifteen and#now oops im a different person. what do i do with the remnants of my past self i've kept. she's in there somewhere but no longer here.#so i guess. revamp. post whatever current me wants and ignore any and all stats.#last time i went on (what i thought was permanent hiatus) i think i was trying to end on a high note. this is now a ??ship of theseus thing#perhaps. whatever!!! <stops thinking of myself as a content creator and more of a silly little blog> wow this is so chill#the true goal of this all is just to get better at art. and have it be shareable. that part is bonus.#on another note i have picked up crochet! started another side acc! began the ridiculous flood of exam season. read two whole books#and listened to a bunch of songs i either discovered or rediscovered. kept cooking experiments in the kitchen. hashtag lifeupdates i suppos#it's getting better. im usually dehydrated and stress is forever there but i've come to like my life enough to cope with it?? hooray#i think. me-who-started-this-blog would be terribly proud of how we've grown. it's a comforting thought#also i can paint actually! hehe
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The Greek Mythos Project: What We Accept Within Submissions
Hello everyone, it is once again Camila here and I am writing this post because I decided I should probably clarify things sooner than later. I know I and quite a few other lovely people can struggle with open barriers within things, especially in such a large and "imposing" project, so I decided to write down the general specifics of things to lessen everyone's anxiety. This can and will definitely be improved if we are given more information/questions/asked for clarification so feel free to check every once in a while or reach out if you don't see a specific question you have answered. This is once again here to promote better communication within things and break down this large project to more manageable things. So, let's get into it!
[Note: This post will go from the broader, more unspecific, topics to the smaller, more specific ones so feel free to scroll down or up as you please :)]
The Biggest Thing First! One Singular POV. This is something that I, Camila, want for the project and therefore, it will be the most enforced thing within here. Don't worry, though! We will be releasing a Second Work alongside this main project consisting of things that didn't quite fit into the original project, such as works that aren't exactly (or at all) one POV but still want to be recognized or OC pieces that are like reincarnations of various gods/mortals/characters which I'll get into later. So you work has a place with us, I promise you <3.
Anyway, back to the One Singular POV thing. It genuinely does not matter whether the piece is First Person, Second Person, Third Person, or something within those parameters as long as the setting, scene, thoughts, and work are being described in that one character's thoughts/experiences. A great example of this in Third Person is in the Heroes of Olympus by Rick Riordan, a popular YA Book Series centering around Greek Mythology in a Modern Setting told by their Demigod Children, where the narrative is in Third Person POV but it only ever follows whoever's POV it's in. Such as we do see the character's actual name and "he/she/they" instead of "I" but we're not privy to anything other than what the character is experiencing.
That is what I am asking for, and I am asking for this mostly for myself!) As we all may know by now, this project was created because I--Camila--took one look at my goal to rewrite the entirety of Greek Mythology in my search to learn more about the Greek Myths, was like "yeah... no," and then proceeded to make this public with the intent to bring out those niche writers, gain a community, make friends, and generally learn more about the various communities and ideas surrounding such a vast and deep thing such as Greek Mythology (remember, people not only know this across the globe, but across centuries. It's not just our ideas and the original texts, it's the Roman Empire's thoughts, the Rise of Christianity, all of our forefathers, and even those who we have read dissecting these things and creating academic papers or other works. It's just so interesting how much character and change and even how much influence various things have had on our modern perceptions). But, this is also a Project, this is also mine, and so I am very politely asking for it to be One POV of a Greek Mythological Character--However Niche They May Be--Only.
Thank you so much for understanding and, again, I will be hosting a Secondary Fic for all the things that don't quite fit under this Main Project but may still want to have the recognition/community that this comes with <3.
Note!! Because this post ended up being a little long and would be hard to properly organize going further, the rest of it will be comprised in reblogs <33
#The Greek Mythos Project#Greek Mythology#to do a quick and basic summarization of the rest because I don't know when I'll be able to get it out there:#yes OCs can be included as long as the POV is of a canonical main character#yes you can reuse old published works (& you can also provide their links so we can give the original posts some love)#AUs are undecided on where they will be placed among here#(they'll either be clearly labeled within the project or have their own Work)#will definitely be rewriting all these posts later down the line but they should serve as something#and we all deserve some human error over here don't we#and sorry if I'm being really repetitive#...they kind all revolve around the same thing#just let me know if I need to actually clean up this post or clarify something bc I cannot trust my own perception of myself#I am; and I quote; “my own worst asshole” and it can be applied to me doing stupid shit to myself or being a perfectionist <3#but yeah#hope this helps and yeah#once I write most of these little posts clarifying things I'll definitely rewrite everything to make them more cohesive#bc we learning as we go along too!!#/pos /gen#...did I miss anything?
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Contemplating the concept of "potential" when it comes to intelligence and realizing how heartbreaking Logan's "Dreams come true, that's news to me" line in the Crofters Musical.
#screaming into the void#definitely not okay today lads#i'm finding myself grieving my intelligence and contemplating if it was ever there to begin with#when i was younger i excelled in science so everyone assumed that i was a gifted kid despite my very obvious struggles in math and spelling#i was told over and over if i could just apply myself to other subjects the way i did with science#then i would do better in those subjects and reach my full potential#my identity was hung on my intelligence for me by the adults in my life none of them even considering a learning disability#now as an adult it all feels meaningless#especially having been forced into going to college where it was made very quickly and abundantly clear that I wasn't actually gifted#i was just average#that was absolutely devastating to me and it's a thing i struggle with and i want to be angry about it but i dont know how to be#i was told over and over in childhood that i could be anything when i grew up that i could do anything if i just put my mind to it#then recieved little to no actual educational support for any of it especially when i discovered writing#and i dont know if i was never as smart as i was told i was or never even had the potential i was told i had#or if i just didnt have enough support#i dont believe in myself anymore and i dont think i was ever actually believed in by the adults in my life either#i think they would have supported me better if they had#or maybe they just didnt know how to#my dad has wondered and questioned me about where my drive ans passion went and i dont have the heart to tell him that#it evaporated when he told me i wouldn't be successful as a writer when he told me that i would only be successful by going to college#when he constantly questioned everything i did and made me doubt myself over and over again#i dont know how to combat this feeling of worthlessness that comes from feeling lied to about my intelligence as a kid#i dont know how to comfort myself in the face of realizing i probably didnt have all then potential i was promised i had#and even if i did at one point have it i lacked the support necessary to nuture and grow it#how does one grieve being promised the world only to find out that was never truly an option?#how does one become comfortable with learning and growing again when it's been made to feel unsafe#and a threat to their frail sense of identity?#how does one find peace and contentment in an ordinary life when they were promised so much more?#not just promised so much more but expected to be so much more and now feel the weight of expectation on them?#i feel like i was promised the world and told that it would be easy to conquer and when it wasnt it was due to my own fault and failings
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ok genuine question: does experiencing noticeable back pain that happens often, actively hinders me and usually makes me need to sit down when doing painting, crafting, standing over a table or cleaning my room constitute as a physical disability?
this question might sound a bit silly considering that if i have to sit down in the first place then yeah it probably is disabling me, but a part of me is doubting myself, because i can otherwise function "normally" (don't like using that word but i can't think of another right now) and sometimes the amount of back pain i have fluctuates. sometimes it hurts like a bitch, sometimes it's barely noticeable. another part of me is just generally curious to see what some people think about this topic.
#question#physical disability#back pain#i know that question kinda reads as ''does being disabled count as being disabled?'' but idk i feel like i'm not disabled ''enough''-#-if that makes sense. and i know i shouldn't doubt myself but... i always feel like a stranger in my own communities and-#-that if i complain about what people perceive as ''the little things'' then i'm taking space away from the ''real'' disabled people.#you get what i mean? damn maybe i have more deep rooted emotional issues to unpack then i first thought lmaooo#but yeah maybe i'm just going through the first stages of finding out i may be disabled#you know the stages. the stage where your brain gaslights you and goes ''hmmmmm but what if ur not bbg''. that stage.#i find it odd how i always preach that other people's feelings are valid but i can never seem to apply that same advice to myself. hm.#i wonder if that has anything to do with past social experiences as being the one to help but not often being the one to get help!#anyway back pain can go explode and die
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I don't know what's going on with me and why I haven't interacted much here and why i haven't done things i used to enjoy even if i want to
#🌙 gio talks#actually i think i literally know why#gonna vent a little here#i have so many amazing mutuals and so many mutuals who are also writers and i really wanna read their works because i like them and their-#writing style but after being away from tumblr for like a month or so and seeing that so much happened and that i wasn't here#like i feel bad for not being here even though i know it's not my fault and that i shouldn't push myself like this#and i feel overwhelmed because it feels like I'm trying to juggle too many things at once that i end up doing nothing at all#i should probably take one step at a tie3#time*#but there's always a voice on the back of my mind saying 'you should be doing more'#'why haven't you done anything'#I'm still working on how to break free from this cycle and inertia#this also applies to my life outside tumblr#i guess one thing leads to another#anyway#i am... trying
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\o/
#help I am having. the anxiety#i feel like. untethered?#and i don't know what to do#i just feel like i am drifting in a massive fucking ocean and I can't catch hold of anything#and i'm not in danger of drowning but also i am all alone in a massive fucking ocean so i might just drift forever?#i don't know what happened i was having an ok day#doing my little tasks#ticking things of my little list#but then as i was doing all that the creeping dread#it crept#and now all i can think is god i've spent so much money this month and i need more money#but it's 8.30 on a saturday night so i can't get more money right now and i have job application anxiety#where i psych myself out of applying for jobs because i haven't had a real one in like a decade and corporate bullshit scares me#and also i don't really want a job like that i do not dream of labour#but i also need more money than I have and that is a problem#but also the thought of having a job interview and having to tell someone you're good at something#while all the time in your head you're thinking actually I'm not good at anything don't hire me im not worth your time#is just.#really fucking stressful#so now i'm just sat here screaming into the void and i dont. feel. good.#so. help?#personal i guess#tw anxiety
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#sorry i need to vent ignore this#my new years resolution for 2023 was to work out consistently and get fit#bc i was really embarrassed at how physically weak i was last summer#and for the most part i did but with prepa and stuff i couldnt exercise as much as i wanted#but i still lost a bit of weight and was somewhat happy with the results for a while but#now i hate it again i hate it so much#ive been dancing a LOT (like 4h/week min. which is a lot for a fulltime uni student) bc it's convenient and good cardio and most of all FUN#and yeah the weight i lost is due to that and my cardio is good and im definitely much more fit than last year but#i still hate the way i look. so viscerally. and i know its my brain telling me nonsense bc it's not like a body can 'look bad'#and i'm lit a healthy weight im just a little thicker than french standards?#but i need to exercise more i want to lose all this fat i pinch my skin and wish it would melt beneath my fingers#but i dont have time or money for the gym and no buddy to go with and im intimidated so i just work out from home but#it's not enough i feel so discouraged. body dysmorphia in the summer really doesnt help my seasonal depression#like i truly believed this year would be my 'summer body' or whatever shit that means and its not and idk what to do i just want to be#in another persons skin. have another persons body. anyone truly#to the point that dancing isnt even fun for me anymore it's just competitive w myself i want to maximize the calories i burn and#i sometimes record myself cause i want to see the steps i miss and i did and i saw my body and it killed all my joy.#made me wanna die and cry. i stopped dancing immediately and i just swallowed back the tears cause theres no way i look like that.#so repulsive and nowhere near where i wanted. and again i know it's in my head there's no such thing as a 'repulsive' body due to weight!?!#but i cant apply that reasoning to myself. and i hate myself so much rn#im being called for dinner rn but i'd honestly rather not eat. i think i'd feel horribly gross if i ate anything right now#i told my friends i'd stop using hunger as a form of self-punishment but it almost feels satisfying in a twisted way... like i deserve it#clara tais toi#like ia m SO obsessed with my appearance in a way that is borderline unhealthy i am SO#preoccupied by how im perceived (physically) if i look hot if i look pretty if i look cute at any and all times and#the answer is never ever satisfactory because other ppls judgement of me cannot fix my own but like#it's so exhausting. i'm so exhausted#dl later
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struggling to process today's session. I am not having a good brain day and it's deeply frustrating to Speak Wrong
#mine#lem experiences cognitive behavioural torture#well. not Wrong. just that spaghetti at wall word vomit until I find a topic I can string together multiple sentences for.#I meant to gather my thoughts the previous night but didn't#touched briefly on my fear of mental deterioration. I tried and probably failed once again to express how little I'm worried abt my body#which is frustrating in a different way bc I'm NOT as comfortable sharing my dx rap sheet as I used to be so I'm greatly understating#how much the body is zapping from me. like it's not one or two comorbidities it's like 8 and no I WON'T be seeing another specialist#''but don't you want to know what's wrong?'' I know what's wrong old man. I'm not having another 70$ copay to be told it's ''not THAT bad''#I'm getting closer to angry eye contact tho so that's nice. I hope he's the sort that would respond involuntarily to a glare.#there's so much internal discomfort and I need to expel it onto someone else#anyway I told him abt the walk w big sis and he was like ''that's p far'' ??? no?? ''it's a couple miles and a steep hile'' yes.#''that's a lot'' no? ''it is if you don't regularly do that'' ?? I agree w this statement but I cannot apply it to myself#yeah yeah going from 0 to 100 bad but ????? the goal was to coffee shop? I met the goal? why is goal moved backwards?#''you could try walking half the distance on the less steep route for a couple days'' BUT WHY#I DID THE THING#I HAVE PROVEN MYSELF CAPABLE WHY MUST I DO EXTRA#the fucking logistics of this sucks. now instead of one good day when the weather and my schedule and pain levels align... I need several??#I think this is to build up stamina and get me out of the house but holy fuck there's a reason I don't go out more often#it took a 4day weekend and a fucking miracle to go on the first walk#during my complaining he mentioned that my trouble w visual overwhelm was align w a symptom of ''one of the diagnoses your mom suspected''#and it's just A) ... duh. it's the 'tism. B) she was repeating the words of my doctor. C) why does this guy not believe I'm autistic#clearly I'm not bothering him enough. I must find a way to rectify this immediately#lem has a body
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JOB ACHIEVED. FINALLY
#it's only 16-ish hours a week and the pay kinda sucks BUT it's a job and it's a job I can do without killing myself so#$600/month is miles better than $0/month let me tell you#and I'm probably gonna apply for food stamps as well which will help a lot. then I can save a lot more bc I'll have smaller food budget#but god I'm so happy like. $400/month to my parents is going to make such a huge difference#like that'll make up the difference in bills PLUS give us enough extra grocery budget to eat actually good meals#like we've been surviving on mainly canned tuna and white bread and like. very cheap dinners#like the most vegetables we eat is when we have cheesy brocoli rice for dinner rip#I miss when we had curry and pesto pasta and homemade lo mein and stir fry and egg rolls...#we used to have vegetable heavy meals almost every day and now it's just sadness#recently I was craving vegetables so bad I drank a v8. I normally hate that shit but that day it was delicious#(tbc I hate it as a drink but it makes a fantastic ingredient for like. chili and stuff)#anyway all this to say vegetables are on the horizon!!! as are having little treats and stuff!!#also also the vocational rehab place FINALLY called my mom back (apparently the person in charge of returning messages#got fired because they just. weren't doing their job for months 💀)#so my sister is gonna start the process of working with the vocational rehab ppl to get her a job too#which is good bc like. she needs it she really does. she's the kind of person who NEEDS a reason to get out of bed or she just. won't.#and she also hasn't had a job since high school and she only had it for a few weeks before they fired her for a stupid made up reason#(really it was ableism but it was a trash company anyway. glad covid put them out of business. good riddance)#ack these are really long tags sorry but. I'm happy!!!!#shit has been so bad for so long and I finally have a tangible thing I can point to and say look!! it's getting better!!!
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gonna show u guys a little opalescent highlight hack i threw together today
rainbow gradient above your main figure (i usually have all my main figure folders/layers in one big folder, so i can clip gradient maps + adjustments to it!). liquify tool to push the colors around a bit. STAY WITH ME I KNOW IT LOOKS STUPID RN I'M GOING SOMEWHERE WITH THIS
THEN: set it to add/glow (or the equivalent in ur drawing program), lower the opacity a bit, and apply a layer mask. then u can edit the mask with whatever tools you like to create rainbow highlights!!
in this case i'm mostly using the lasso fill tool to chip out little facets, but i've also done some soft airbrushing to bring in larger rainbow swirls in some areas. it's pretty subtle here, but you can see it better when i remove the gradient map that's above everything, since below i'm working in greyscale:
more granular rambling beneath the cut!
u could also just do this with a brush that has color jitter, but what i like about using layer masks for highlight/shading layers is how simple and reversible it makes everything. i can use whatever brushes i want, and erasing/redoing things is super low stakes, which is great when i often approach this stuff with a super trial-and-error approach.
example: have u ever thrown a gradient w multiple colors over an entire piece, set it to multiply etc, and then tried to erase it away to carve out shadows/highlights? it's super frustrating, bc it looks really good, but if u erase something and then change ur mind later, u basically would have to like. recreate the gradient in the area u want to cover up again. that's how i used to do things before figuring out layer masks!! but masking basically creates a version of this with INFINITE undo bc u can erase/re-place the base layer whenever u want.
anyway, back to rambling about this specific method:
i actually have TWO of these layers on this piece (one with the liquified swirls shown above, and another that's just a normal concentric circle gradient with much broader stripes) so i can vary the highlights easily as needed.
since i've basically hidden the rainbow pattern from myself, the colors in each brushstroke i make will kind of be a surprise, which isn't always great -- but easily fixable! for example, if i carve out a highlight and it turns out the rainbow pattern in that area is way too stripey, i can just switch from editing the mask to editing the main layer and blur that spot a bit.
also, this isn't a full explanation of the overall transparency effect in these screencaps! there's other layer stuff happening below the rainbow highlights, but the short version is i have all this character's body parts in different folders, each with their own lineart and background fill, and then the fill opacity is lowered and there's multiply layers clipped to that -- blah blah it's a whole thing. maybe i'll have a whole rundown on this on patreon later. uhhh i think that's it tho! i hope u get something useful out of this extremely specific thing i did lmao
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I do wonder what people would do if they felt all the pain they'd caused in the world
Not even the big stuff, we're not even talking stuff like politicians being forced to feel just how much damage they've done, we're talking about the small scale stuff
All the off hand comments that were thoughtless and hurt someone, all the harm done without even realizing how much harm you're doing
I think if I could I'd like to know, I'd like to see the places I've hurt others around me
But I don't know... I listen to some people and it's just like... I don't think you even begin to imagine the damage you're doing around you. I don't think you even remotely begin to think about not even strangers, but the harm you'll do to people you claim to care about
What are you gonna do though? People are allowed to say and act however they want at the end of the day and even if I tried to explain I don't think they could hear me
#ever since I had shit I liked really shit on I kinda changed my mind of how funny it was making fun of other people#and while this applies to stuff like fandom or whatever; it's really about things as a whole#you never know what people around you are dealing with and like...#I don't want to be the person who pushes someone into a darker place; way rather try and help them out of stuff#so I'm not saying I'm perfect; but I do try to choose my words with intention when I'm talking about certain stuff#I try to call my shots and make sure the my ire is hitting where I want it to instead of risking it splashing out and hitting people I like#none of it matters; people will behave how they wanna behave and there ain't shit I can do about it#and in the end we'll all defend what we do; me as much as anyone else I'm sure#but like... that's why I'm always talking about just checking in on the calibration of your moral compass#making sure it's where you want it; I'm not gonna tell you what that should be#though I suppose I will say that for me it tends to be focused on minimizing harm and maximizing help#you think I can't be sucked into hateful points of view?#get real; of course I could... might even already have some I'm just to blind to see; you know?#all I can do is try and check myself and check I'm not letting something like skepticism towards say a political group#start bleeding out and tagging unrelated people who are just standing next to them into my anger#make sure I've got a specific reason I'm mad; try to talk about behavior more than anything else#that's what I do; that's how I value things and how I try to keep my shit calibrated#but you do you; you're gonna do it anyway; so why would I try and stop you?#but there it is#...can I let you in on a little secret that I'm expecting no one's gonna read down here in the tags?#I wish I could breath all the pain and suffering and hurt anyone's ever caused me as a toxic miasma to seep into their bones#I wanna make everyone hurt just by making them understand the hurt they've put out into the world#one or two people that I'd spare cause despite the fact they hurt me often I like them way too much#and there's of course people who haven't hurt me#but I just want to fill people with every ounce of darkness they may have caused me; not even as a punishment; as a way to learn#people in this world are so thoughtless#but... whatever; there's a little bit of a secret I don't really ever say aloud#I want Soulcutter; I want to make people feel like I feel just so they grow some damn sympathy#the way it's described is so familiar; I think that my depression is severe enough I could use it#never draw it; hand resting on the hilt so you can remember how pointless it is to even both keeping your hand there
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:P
#bro me going to this stats research consulting thing we have and the advisor like looking so dead and bored#like bro i knowww i'm asking dumb questions and i should probably know how to do this shit as a senior in data science#but bro i don't so like look a little less dead would ya lmfao#but he was very helpful so slay i just feel even more like#sdlkfngskjdfgklsdhfgqierhglqbirjdand about myself ya know LOL#but it's ok ;-;#he was asking me questions abt myself like major and stuff at the end and when i said senior in data science LOL#he didn't say anything or like didn't seem to think anything but iiiii was judging myself lol#but the way i was like haha what's a t test#and hes like have u taken any stats classes and im like ya i just don't rly remember / know how to apply stuff outside of class#when the real ansewr is ya i just bullshit my way thru bro TT have i actually learned anything idk TT#this man explaining t tests better than they've ever been explained to me in class tho tbh#jeanne talks
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help I've anthropomorphized morphology
#a grammatical morpheme is like work clothing!#(turning examples of linguistic processes into metaphors helps me not be distracted by the content in the example itself which is#often in a language I don't speak)#so when you add a funky little '-s' to 'book' it's putting on a hat#so it can go do its job in the 'plural' department!#some words have more clothes on than others or different ones#not all morphemes are grammatical#sometimes people wear clothes that are show identity!#'booklets' works in the plural department but it's also wearing a little scarf (-let) because it likes to show off how small it is!#(my roommate has guests over and I'm too shy to go fix myself food while they're all there please humor me)#obviously this is very very basic morphology but I have developed a universe okay? (see my previous og post)#they have VIRUSES#and weird DNA development#harmless fabric allergies#look it's a long story#but the issue with linguistic examples is that it's very hard to find isolated ones#because most of the time several things are happening at once (this applies to more than just morphology)#which can be distracting sometimes because you're not sure where to look#look this makes sense to me#morphemes are work clothes#well I guess except for the one morpheme that all the pants and hats and socks hang on to for dear life#look my metaphor isn't perfect#BUT#I had fun procrastinating my other studies while coming up with it
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On your blog you've talked about dealing with chronic as a result from the stress of masking your autism.
It's a bit of a different situation, but my little sister (who we've begun to suspect has adhd) has been experiencing chronic pain in her arms and legs. I may be totally off base, but I was wondering if a similar stess might potentially be a factor in her pain.
If you're willing, would you mind talking about how your pain affected before you found a way to manage it (I tried searching your tumblr, but not much came up, so sorry if I'm asking a question that's already been answered)?
Thanks either way, I love your books. Love is real!
sure buckaroo GOOD QUESTION. i have had chronic pain in some form or another for LONG TIME in a number of STRESS RELATED WAYS. in past it has been cracking teeth from clenching dang jaws while i sleep and things like that, but a few years ago it was FULL ON BODY PAIN AND TIGHTNESS like every muscle was clenching up. went to the doctor over and over all kinds of dang specialists and it was very difficult to figure out what was going on. eventually landed on a sort of nebulous trot of STRESS but i can get more specific.
there are several things about me that you would never know just from looking or even talking to me for long times. i am a bi buckaroo, i am a non-dysphoric trans buckaroo, i am an autistic buckaroo. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE THINGS IS EITHER HIDDEN AUTOMATICALLY OR I AM SUCH AN EXPERT AT HIDING THAT IT IS SECOND NATURE
autism presents its trot in many ways, so my words do not apply to all, but my version is EXTREME ORGANIZATION AND ENDLESS WORK ETHIC. in way of freud (which is a silly way but sometimes good for symbolism talk) i have what you would call an OVERDEVELOPED SUPER EGO which is a double edged sword. i can write 100s of books at an incredible pace, but also feel like my body is constantly collapsing in on itself
this is not really something i consciously think about much, but eventually these health problems started creeping up. it was all from carrying this mystery tension in my body, because while it feels EASY for me to mask i believe all that tension goes somewhere and it stores up and stores up and stores up.
so i think the HEALTHY way that i have found to deal with this (i think of it as releasing the steam valve a bit so the boiler does not break down) is ART. this space where i am allowed to be CHUCK TINGLE and write without obsessing over the spelling or punctuation, or to loudly express my queerness, or explore gender, and to let my neurotypical mask down DIRECTLY RELIEVES my chronic pain because it literally makes my muscles relax.
when i started out this ARTISTIC TROT as chuck i used a LOT of metaphor to keep my privacy, with different words or different versions of people for different things, and buckaroos found this very funny. as a way to express myself artistically i also liked this metaphor trot a lot, but i have also found that the LESS metaphor i paint over my life as chuck, the better it is for my health. if you have noticed, i talk less about some of the parts of my life that were metaphors, or maybe you have seen that my voice has relaxed a bit in interviews, or that i carry myself a little differently over time, this is partially why. (there is another artistic reason that was a planned trot from the beginning and it has to do with my feelings as a young autistic buckaroo of not fitting in on this timeline, but we can dive into that later).
anyway, as PRACTICAL ADVICE i would say that FINDING A SPACE TO EXPRESS YOURSELF WITHOUT FEAR OR MASKING has been the number one trot for me. that can be a pink bag over your head writing hundreds of erotic shorts, or that can be just laying on the ground howling your heart out, or doing whatever stim you need to do.
i will also say that ONCE I REALIZED IT WAS MUSCLE TENSION getting a physical therapist helped a lot. because there are two sides, you have to start releasing steam from the steam valve, but at the same time youve also gotta start HEALING THE DAMAGE. so i think stretching and techniques like that can be very helpful.
hope that helps buckaroo LOVE IS REAL
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