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Czeslaw Milosz, New and Collected Poems: 1931-2001

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A Future That There Never Was

What’s the first thing you think of whenever you hear the word future? Truth be told, that word can be too overwhelming for someone. As for me, I am both frightened and thrilled whenever I think of my future. Perhaps it’s because I knew my future was tragically written in the Book of Life.

Like any other normal kid, I also had plans for what I wanted my future to look like. I remember wanting to be a film director at the early age of 10. I grew fond of cameras, and watching movies and have always wondered how they do it. Somehow, things, plans, and dreams change as I forget the feeling of being a child. 

In my early boggling years of being in my twenties, I planted a new dream in my heart. The compassion and bravery inside me yelled as I dreamed of becoming someone ready for anything (in omnia paratus). It wasn’t just because I understood what Arundhati Roy said—in this world, there is “no such thing as the voiceless, for people are either silenced or preferably unheard,” and so I wanted to help people. 

But above all, between me and you, I have always wanted to prove to my parents and myself that I can do something as big as being a lawyer in my life. As a daughter, I won’t deny that making them both proud of me is like a sweet reward that’ll strengthen the fibers of my being. 

Last Wednesday, I attended a meeting and shared a bit of my happiness with the people listening. I told them that I passed my Philippine Taxation subject and that I prayed for me to pass. Lies. 

I couldn’t even remember the last time I prayed. I don’t believe in God any longer, for that matter. I have so many questions to ask of him—that is if he’s certainly out there. The truth is, I wanted my parents to hear about the happiness that I had at that moment with hopes that they’d be pleased with my (little) achievements, too. 

Honestly, more often than not, I grew weary of being told what I could and could not do. Voices screaming all at the same time surely made me cry and beg the heavens to alter the prophecy given each night I meet with the stars in the sky, for I want to do more than what’s defined of me. 

I held on to my dreams for so long, pictured myself in different professions, and embraced and cherished each of them until my hands went numb and I had to let each one go. Questions of why flood my mind every time I have to surrender my dreams. So much effort, plenty of talent, intelligence, and potential all went down the drain. 

Numbness, I suppose, can suck out all of your dreams, plans, and ideas. From someone who had a dazzling, well-planned future to someone who couldn’t envision anything of herself anymore. A stagnant and lost human being. 

Quite tragic, isn’t it? I’m guessing that’s what the prophecy wanted me to be in this lifetime. Someone who supports but is never seen in a different light—a nobody. 

Life made sure I was drunk in the hope of a future that there never was.

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White Nights, Fyodor Dostoevsky

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i thought my suicidal late teens were the hardest years of my life but nothing could’ve prepared me for my 20s waking up everyday with no purpose, feeling so lost, unable to keep up with friendships, watching everyone move on with relationships and careers and being unable to catch up. and I’m such a “life is not a race” type of person but damn I’m losing so hard rn

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“I like how sleeping next to someone means more than sex sometimes, the body’s way of saying ‘I trust you to be by my side at my most vulnerable time,’ you have no defenses when you are asleep, you tell no lies”

— Eric Shaw

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One day, I’ll build a home. 

A home where I will feel comfortable— without the unpleasant feeling of pleasing other people. A home where I can rest without trying to explain to everyone that I also get tired of how cruel the world is to me.

I would want to stay inside a home where people wouldn’t barge inside my room when I am still asleep. A place where anyone may shout but never out of anger. Inside this home, one may talk about their emotional and mental state without having to think of the stigma and misconceptions about them for they are part of a casual conversation over dinner.

Where dreams are supported and nourished rather than laughed at, somewhere that isn’t ruled by someone but is a haven where peace is valued above anything else. 

One day, I’ll build a home. 

Love is a firm foundation of a home, too. People have this notion that basic human needs are enough proof that a person is loved. Contrary to that, I strongly believe that love and trust go hand in hand. 

I lived in a house that gave me love— but I never truly felt it. That got me thinking, why do I feel so unloved inside this house? 

Because loving means paying attention even to the smallest details. It means making an effort to see, to listen, and to know a human being. 

Love also means being cautious of what you say and how you say things. Love is synonymous with never glaring or snarling at someone and then kneeling to pray afterward. 

Love is being generous to shower affirmations and healing.

One day, I’ll build a home. 

Trust is the core of a home. Trust is when I do not need to build a facade to hide my emotions and feelings because I worry that people will invalidate me. Trusting is respecting people who have plans for themselves and refusing to be the reason why they forget about those plans. 

Trust is letting someone do what they want for you have the confidence that they can make good decisions on their own because you raised them well. And if the result of these decisions doesn’t go as planned, trust is knowing that a person can start over again, no matter how many times life knocks them down. 

Finally, things are clear to me now. 

The reason why I never felt loved is because the people inside that house never trusted me and the things that I was capable of doing. 

People in that house have always defined me. 

A home full of trust equates to a home full of love— and a home filled with ineffable love is such a comfortable home to live in. 

One day, I’ll build a home. 

I have always envisioned myself living inside a home. From the roof, wall colors, and type of windows, to the floors, this home is scrupulously designed and built with hopes and tears of a little girl who once lived in a house to a girl who understood that a home should be a shelter more than a storm.

anchor

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09/12/24

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“No, I’m not ok. But I haven’t been ok since I was 11, maybe 12. I am still here though. I’m still breathing. For me, sometimes, that will have to be enough.”

— Clementine von Radics

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“Maturity is learning to walk away from people and situations that threaten your peace of mind, self-respect, values, morals and self worth.”

— Unknown

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October, Louise Glück

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Claribel Alegría, from “From the Bridge”

Text ID: poor deluded thing / you learned the consolations / of philosophy / before understanding / why you had to be consoled

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The relation between nature and human being: Agnieszka Lepka

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the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

June 01, 2024

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