vvvjudasvvv

[vvvjudasvvv]

I always loved the idea of being in love.

It was nice to pretend everything was right for a while.

Pretend they were my soulmate.

Gushing over the thought of us getting married. Settling down. Just the two of us.

Before the problems came,

The red flags,

The disagreements.

A switch flipped,

A part of my mind turned off.

All the unconditional love I had felt,

Taken from me in an instant.

It was to protect me.

It always is.

My brain acting as my own helicopter parent.

It never felt worth it when it was over.

But it would have felt worth it during the beginning.

If I knew, going in, that it would ruin me, I’m not sure I would have walked away.

Even now, knowing all I do, would I do it again?

Am I being ungrateful for having been loved in the past?

Or am I only now learning the truth on how those have mistreated me.

And how I’ve mistreated them in turn.

Conditional love being unfairly exchanged in return for unconditional.

I recognized it in others.

I recognized it in me.

I recognized it in my family.

In Yes Dad and No Mom.

Yes Dad, you were right.

Yes Dad, I’ll forgive you again.

Yes Dad, I’m in the wrong.

Yes Dad, I’ll grow up soon.

No Mom, it’s okay.

No Mom, don’t worry.

No Mom, he didn’t mean it.

No Mom, I wasn’t crying.

Im sick to death of constantly rehealing old wounds. I know where they stem from, I know why I act the way I do, I know I’ve come a long way. But it’s never enough.

There will always be a pothole in the parking lot of my newly renovated self.

I will forever have to warn people, prepare them in advance for whatever it is they have to look out for.

I spent a long time thinking I had to wear a warning label instead of a fragile sticker,

it’s still so easy to confuse the two.

But by the time I’ll have it figured out, new information comes along that I should never have had a box or label to begin with.

But healing never stops, so I won’t either.

[vvvjudasvvv]

But back then,

I knew no other explanation.

I was not given another explanation.

I had to go looking for one.

It was My fault my Dad made me cry.

I was being too Sensitive.

He told me so.

It was My fault my Sister called me names.

I was being too weird.

She told me so.

It was My fault mom was crying.

I was making her sad.

She hadn’t told me that.

But Something in my head told me that she would have.

Something that spoke in a voice similar to mine.

I hadn’t learned who was speaking yet.

Nothing separating Me from Something.

It was a problem.

I had a lot of problems back then.

I couldn’t fix them back then.

I can fix them now.

At least, I hope I can.

[vvvjudasvvv]

18 years of being dismissed and trying to convince myself that I was making the whole thing up to make it easier.

That I was crazy.

That I had nothing to offer anyone.

That other people were justified.

That I was just a parasite feeding off of other people.

That I was better off dead.

That it would be better for everyone around me too.

Well, I’m 19 now.

And I’m planning on making it to 20.

I once thought Nothing was wrong with the Outside world for wanting me dead.

That Everything that happened to me was my fault. Living in a world Inside my head.

The mushroom tells me that maybe they never wanted me dead. That I had only just assumed so, and hadn’t asked.

I had never thought of it like that before.

[vvvjudasvvv]

To think this whole time that I thought I was to blame

For my confusion.

For my heartache.

For my pain.

The mushroom tells me it was never my fault. That it was out of my control. That I did the best I could with what I had.

Yes agrees immediately.

No isn’t so quick to be swayed.

I voice my concerns.

It could have been solved with a tiny bit of mushroom?

That was the answer. Really?

Yes tells me that sometimes answers are unsatisfying.

No tells me to trust my instincts and wait.

Yes advises me to throw caution to the wind and assume that the highs will last forever.

No advises me to stay alert and assume that the lows are always around the corner.

What will I do if it doesn’t last?

If going back to Contradiction is only a matter of time.

[vvvjudasvvv]

I spent my whole life looking for the answer Inside my own head.

Running through millions of different possible outcomes and worst case scenarios.

The answer was an Outside force.

Nothing I could have found on my own.

A special kind of mushroom.

Yes is overjoyed.

A mushroom capable of making me whole.

Making me normal. Making me kind.

No is cautious.

If the answer comes from outside the self, is it really the right answer?

How will I know the difference between Me and the mushroom?

[vvvjudasvvv]

Yes tells me I am everything I will ever be.

No tells me I am everything I once was.

Yes tells me I’m proud of myself.

No tells me I’m ashamed of myself.

No tells me I hate myself.

Yes tells me I love myself.

No tells me I’m sad.

Yes tells me I’m just pretending.

Yes tells me I’m happy.

No tells me I’m just pretending.

No tells me to go to sleep when it’s late.

Yes tells me to stay up until the morning.

It’s not about the Right or Wrong answer.

It’s about the Right or Wrong time.

It’s about learning whose advice to take and when.

Neither are without fault.

Sometimes both are Right.

Sometimes both are Wrong.

[vvvjudasvvv]

My name is Contradiction.

But I go by Conrad.

I find, more often than not,

the answer is both Yes and No.

It once was a No, overtime it has changed into a Yes.

I can relate to it in that way.

There is uncertainty as to whether the answer will change again.

I understand them both.

Yes does not erase the No.

No does not erase the Yes.

They simply are.

I know how it feels like to be viewed as something you’re not.

So I treat them with gentleness.

I hold on to the Yes and No.

Tending to them both with equal care.

I am also two things at once.

Walking, talking, breathing contradiction.

[vvvjudasvvv]

Deer Lover,

Kill me now, while you still love me

Immortalize me ‘fore I fall

Eat me now, while I taste sweetly

Before I have no taste at all

And if my feelings start to wither

Then pull the trigger, give my life an end

Before the bad thoughts can come hither

Dispose of all of me, your life to spend