vawatata

[vawatata]

For anyone who is contemplating suicide

I don’t personally know you, I don’t know what you’ve gone through, I don’t know what you’re still going through, but I know that there are people who need you here. You’re still here for a reason, and if you don’t know what that reason is, then your reason is to find your reason. There are people out there who are not only willing to listen, but they’re more than willing to try and help in any way they can.

Those people don’t help because they ‘have to’… They help because they care. Plenty of people who work on hotlines don’t get paid, they volunteer to help people. You might not want to admit that people care about you, because you don’t want to know that people will miss you if you push that blade an inch too deep. If you swallow one too many pills. If you pull the trigger. It might not always be evident who does care, but people do, so even if finding those people is your motivation to stay, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re still here to read this now. You’re still here, to look out the window and you have a chance to see beauty and peace in the world again. 

Your life is still yours, and you can take back control in a healthy way. Depression convinces you that it’s your friend and then beats you into the ground, pins you down and forces you to stay. It takes from you until there is nothing left to take and then it stays purely to see you slowly bleeding out on the floor.

Again, I don’t personally know you, but I know that you have so many reasons to live, even if you don’t think you do. So fight it. Fight the urges to die, to give up, to listen to the voices in your head.

Fight until you reach the end of a rainbow.

Fight until you find someone who you fit perfectly with.

Fight until you finish your shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

Fight until you remember the title of that song you used to listen to.

Fight until you draw the perfect circle.

Fight until you muster up the courage to finally talk to that person you’ve been interested in lately.

Fight until you see a double rainbow.

Fight until you finish that level.

Fight until you put the blade down.

Fight until you put the lighter down.

Fight until you untie the noose.

Fight until you admit your feelings.

Fight until you put the pills down.

Fight until you feel food against your lips again.

Fight.

It doesn’t matter how small the motivation seems. Slow progress is still progress. Depression isn’t something you can just wake up and get rid of. Neither is anxiety, neither is any other mental illness.

But

Please

Fight

[vawatata]

when i tell you i SCREAMED

[vawatata]

For all my new followers: Some not-so-cute things about anorexia.

I want y’all to see the reality of this disorder.

1. being cold. all. the. time. you have to sleep with at least two blankets.

2. lanugo. think it’s cute to have thick hair ALL over your body??

3. that cute ass you had? it’s gone.

4. crying all the time

5. shaky hands, shaky arms, shaky legs, shaky everything.

6. you disappoint basically everyone important to you

7. it’s not cute to get smashed after one drink. it’s embarrassing.

8. forgetting everything. why did i walk into this room? where did i put my phone? why did i put my deodorant on the kitchen counter?

9. chewing food literally feels like you’re eating a live slug.

10. all those friends you love? you’ll basically never see them because you’re too afraid that they’ll suggest going out for lunch or try to give you food.

11. goal weights? not a thing. no matter how low your weight is, you’ll never be satisfied

12. this disorder literally kills you slowly, from the inside out

13. you have to sleep with a thick blanket or pillow between your knees because the feeling of your bones pressing against each other is too painful

14. your whole life feels like it’s a haze

15. concentration goes out the window. your grades will go down, you might even fail a class because for some fucking reason not eating is more important than getting a degree. think about that.

16. treatment is inevitable if you don’t get it under control yourself. and treatment is the worst experience you could possibly have – people FORCING you to eat, lots of crying, and its fucking expensive

17. you are so wasteful. all that healthy food you bought? you’ll eventually get to a point where you can’t even eat that and it just rots in your fridge.

18. it gets to a point where you care more about the number on the scale than your own fucking family

19. all your free time will be spent running. or walking. or working out. anything to burn off the calories you did (or didn’t) eat

20. eventually 50 calories is too much for one day

21. at a certain point, a size 0 is too big and all clothes look ill-fitting, not cute and baggy.

22. YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL. no matter how much you think you are, you’re not. you’re a slave to your own brain.

23. YOU ARE A LIAR. you lie to your family, to your therapist, to your friends, and there’s no undoing that. once people know you’re lying, they’ll never believe you again.

24. this disorder does not make you special. it makes you sick. and it makes you look selfish and weak to other people. that’s the reality.

25. get help.

this is the reality of this disorder. it’s not cute. it’s not fun. it’s addicting. and it ruins your life. that’s it. it’s an illness and you have to see it for what it is.

[vawatata]

I just want to be beautiful

Reblog if your SICK of these things:

FAT thighs

FAT stomach

FAT arms

FAT face

FAT hands

FAT calves

FAT knees

FAT hips

FAT EVERYTHING. 

I just want to be skinny…

[vawatata]

It would be great

reblog if you’d be okay with someone sending you some meanspo 🍓

[vawatata]

Oh wow

So I’ve had ana for 3 years now, but I’ve never really had food in my dreams before. I’m not even hungry. Why do I dream about food?

I don’t even want it, or need it.

Ugh

[vawatata]

two days ago my bestie came to visit me because I was sick for a week and didn‘t go to school.

we talked a lot about my ed and she confessed to me that she would‘ve never thought that I would be the girl with an ed. I asked her why and she responded that I was the reason she fought hers.

she confessed to me that she was able to get rid of calorie counting etc because she has seen how I lived and she started to question her habits and I was the girl that helped her out.

I actually wanted to cry in this moment because I was the reason she started to question her habits.

I was the reason she recovered.

and now she wants to help me and support me like I supported her.

I love this girl.

she‘s amazing.

[vawatata]

made a meme of my current struggle ✌️😎

[vawatata]

Group chat

I’ve seen a lot of posts about group chats that only accept people(FEMALES) under 18, so I’m gonna make a better one.

Guys, girls and non binary people are all welcome.

Rules:

-15+ (18+ for body checks in underwear please, jail is a real thing)

-be active in the group

-prove in some way that you’re not a creep. I don’t want any of them in there.

-don’t pressure people into sending pics

Seriously, that’s it. I won’t pressure any of you to send any body checks, say your weight or whatever if you’re not comfortable with it. Basically, be yourself and be honest and we can all help each other.

Leave your Instagram @ in the comments and I’ll add you

[vawatata]

Credit: @juliehangart

[vawatata]

10/30/19

5’4 Cw: 105.6

(Plz be kind, and no porn blogs. My disorder isn’t for your sexual enjoyment)

[vawatata]

if im skinny, will you like me?

if my skins stretched across my bones like a drying canvas, will you see me?

if i paint myself with scars and decorate my cheeks with tears, will you notice me?

if i fold myself against the wall and scream as loud as i can, will you hear me?

if i just told you what i needed, would you listen to me?

...

you should love me.

you should love me because i cant.

i hate myself

...

i hate myself.

i hate myself.

i hate myself

i hate myself

i hate myself

ihate myself

i hate myself

i hhate myself

i hate myself

i hatemyself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myselfi hate.myyself ihate hate hate hTe hate hate hate HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE AHTE HATE HATE HATE HATE HAE HATE HATE

myself.

make me feel cared about.

make me feel loved.

im doing this all for you.

appreciate me.

love me.

i will be pretty

just for you.

:)

[vawatata]

About my diet (from the "my progress post")

(I do not condone eating disorders and am not trying to promote it)

So, I didn't think my post would blow up this much, wow. I feel so grateful for you all! Now, I have gotten lots of requests for my diet plan that I followed, and since I made that diet plan, it would be my fault if people got hurt. So I've decided that to protect myself and others, I won't be posting the exact diet, but I will pretty much tell you what I did with calories, exercise and fasting so you can make one yourself.

It has been 8 weeks now. I am binge free and now weight 71.8kg.

Basically, I have not gone over 500 calories. But you may be thinking, "lots of people do that". Yeahhh I know. My body is very specific with food and what will make me lose weight, so sometimes 500 cal wouldn't cut it for me on its own. I can say confidently I have not had any kind of carbohydrates, meats, dairy products, unnatural sugars or coffee. Since I have cut all these out it's been a lot quicker for weight loss. Also, each day I switched it up between 150 and 450 cal and fasting 3-4 days a week (Liquid fasting, maybe hitting 20cal with diet drinks or lemon water) It is essential to drink lots of water when doing this and will also help you lose weight faster.

My exercise? Basically I used to do a lot of walking (400-700 calories of walking) but I am so faint I can't do that anymore so now I just do the normal stuff like crunches, push ups, etc. And I do exercise 6-7 days a week. I usually do my exercise after I eat because I feel like it burns all my food off and makes me lose more, I don't know how true that is though.

Most days I made sure I ate all my calories before 3:30pm because in the morning you'll find a bigger difference because you haven't eaten in ages and it technically adds in a sneaky fast if you stop eating then.

One of the things that has helped me the MOST. Is getting to the 30 day mark (I am now at the 60day mark I think). After 30 days you will no longer get any cravings, you will no longer have the urge to binge, and it will be easy to reject food. You have to be consistent, you need to stick with what you plan. Or it won't work.

Another thing, YOUR WEIGHT WILL FLUCTUATE. Dont let weight fluctuation get to you. An example for me is late last week I hit 72.8kg, I didn't change my diet, I didn't binge or overeat, but the day after I was back to 73.5kg, but now a couple of days after I am 71.8kg. Make sure you don't feel too awful if you gain a bit because it's just your body doing it's thing and it'll be fixed the next day.

Lastly, I will give a 1 week example of how I had my calories and exercise:

Monday: 200cal

Exercise: 100 crunches, 100 jumping jacks, 50 jump squats, 1 minute plank.

Tuesday: 350cal

Exercise: 200 crunches, 100 sit ups, 40 squats, 1 minute boat pose.

Wednesday: Fast

Exercise: 2 minute plank, 5 minute jumping jacks, 1 minute boat pose, 100 push ups, 300 crunches.

Thursday: Fast

Exercise: 1 minute of high knees, 200 jumping jacks, 50 squats, 100 crunches, 1 minute plank.

Friday: 100cal

Exercise: 100 crunches, 50 squats, 200 sit ups, 50 lunges, 1 minute plank.

Saturday: 150cal

Exercise: 100 crunches, 200 jumping jacks, 100 lunges, 150 squats, 50 jump squats.

Sunday: Fast

Exercise: None

Now, I do not condone this plan. I wish we all get help and survive this disorder. It is a horrible thing to have and I do not wish it apon anyone and it makes me sad to think that all you lovelies do this to yourself. Stay safe and I hope this explains and helps enough xx!

[vawatata]

Same, I want to be more motivated

someone send me meanspo pls 😈

.·´¯`(>▂<)´¯`·.

weird request ik

and for sure im gonna be hurt and cry

but i need it to motivate me to keep going

😤

[vawatata]

OSF 11/23/19

Today I struggled to like my arms. So time to counter my negative self talk!

People say I give good hugs, that’s because of my thick-ass arms. My arms are not refined or particularly muscular, but they don’t have to be to be strong. They are soft, and full of love. It’s okay if my arms are chubby, they weren’t given to me to be thin.

With these arms I have held cats, and drawn pictures, and learned sign, and held my friends. I do not need to have thin or refined arms to do this.

These arms are fat, and that’s okay. Good, even. Amazing, because they are mine. And that’s enough.

[vawatata]

I reach out to you when I’m suicidal, when I need to hear your voice because I feel so close to cutting myself and hurting myself, and you’re too busy to talk because you’re with your friend.

What’s so wrong with me that no one loves me?

[vawatata]

hot fact of the day: eating disorders are physically painful

 and this is a sincere fuck you to everyone who doesn’t take people with eds seriously when they can’t do the same things as healthy people. 

sometimes you can’t make it to class on time because you can’t get up the stairs fast enough. or you can’t get assignments in on time because you’re exhausted and everything hurts. you’re sleeping the days away, not because you’re lazy or unmotivated, but because your body is too weak and you are in too much pain to do anything else. and then teachers yell at you for falling asleep in class every day. because it’s disrespectful, and you must obviously not care about learning. your grades must be slipping because you stay up all night on your phone - not because it makes you dizzy and nauseous just to stand up, and it takes ten minutes just to drag yourself out of bed in the morning (it takes even longer to get dressed, and you have to stop at least three times to lean over the counter and catch your breath). and then you get yelled at again for not being ready on time.

the point? stop undermining and brushing off the physical symptoms of eating disorders. eds are chronic problems, and not everyone is ready for treatment, can afford it, or has the mental or physical ability required to endure it. assuming that “anyone can get better, right now” is pretty fucking ableist as well as generally shitty.