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December 9th

Quick update since I haven’t posted in almost 4 days. I‘m so stressed out because of uni, it‘s absolutely insane. I needed to take almost the whole week off from classes so I actually had time to work on my assignments. I had my first presentation yesterday and it went absolutely fine which was a huge relief. But on the way there my stomach started to ache so much and I was feeling slightly sick as well. On top of that I started getting a cold on Thursday which is still getting worse. The stomach pains lasted all evening and it actually scares me a little that I got them solely due to stress. It wasn‘t hunger pains because I actually stopped restricting on Thursday. I‘m just so stressed and feeling ill and I feel like I need to take a little more care of my body at this time. Stress eating isn’t a good solution but roughly adding up the calories I had the last days I don‘t went massively over my bmr.

Mentally, I feel absolutely fat and like I‘m back at my starting weight but applying reason and logic I guess that‘s literally impossible. So yeah I‘ll get back on track once the stress is over on Monday and hopefully my cold is gone by then as well.

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Fucked up again and ate a huge chocolate Santa and chips. Now I can’t purge because my partner is back home. I’ve decided that in order to break this fucking vicious cycle I’ll have to stop fasting for a while. I’m going to restrict of course but I need to eat regular meals to avoid binges. I’m so angry at myself again. Kms.

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December 5th

I finished my 24 hours and had brussel sprouts, kiwi fruit, persimmon, raspberry.. I slowly ate my way up trying very hard to avoid binging on unhealthy stuff. Then I had some oatmeal and a slice of dark bread which I shouldn’t have had so I purged almost everything. My intake might be somewhere between 300-500 kcal. How would one ever know after purging. I hate it. When I was a teenager I used to have this sick mindset that bulimia was somehow “inferior” to anorexia. Sometimes I notice that that’s somehow still in the back of my mind. I guess it’s because bulimic behaviour for me is accompanied by feelings of guilt and shame, while starving feels pure. I hate my brain.

I’m so stressed because of uni and my anxiety levels are through the roof. I just wanna get through with it and finally be able to make time again for working out.

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17 hours

I’m currently not hungry. But I guess that’s just because I’m rushing around between campus, library and National Gallery to get things done. I’m going to be so glad when these assignments are done and I can finally get christmassy!

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I need to remind myself that it’s fine that I’m not skinny yet, that my expectations are too high. It’s not like I got this fat in one day, so I can’t lose it all in one day. It’s okay if it takes time to achieve my goal.

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Completely fucked up my fast with a lot of food. Most of it was good and healthy but it was way too much. At least I’m stuffed now so I won’t be so tempted to eat at the Christmas party. I’m starting over right now so I can still stick to my plan for the rest of the week.

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13 hours

I’m so damn tired even though I slept in today. My jaw hurts from the tooth extraction and that’s probably why my head hurts as well. I feel like screwing my whole head off would help but I still have to finish two assignments, one until Friday which is half finished and the other until next Monday which I haven’t even started yet. It might sound like there’s a lot of time left but I have other classes and lectures to attend, two shifts at work, Christmas party with co workers today, family day on Sunday. I just wanna stay at home and sleep…

On Friday and Saturday I had so much crap food that I purged entirely. My partner spent the weekend with friends so I was left alone and feeling like shit anyway. Yesterday I visited a friend and had a shit ton of chocolate and pizza. My first pizza in three months. I couldn’t throw up or burn it off but it was on my mind the whole time. I started a 24h fast after that.

I’m planning to fast today, have 200 kcal on Tuesday and Wednesday, fast again on Thursday and then have 300 kcal on Friday and maybe fast on Saturday again. It’s a little extreme I know but I see no other way to get rid of my binge weight again.

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57,7 kg [127.2 lbs] this morning. The binge weight is slowly coming off. I want my 55 kgs back. I’m going to be on my period on Monday. If I don’t over eat severely next week I might lose a good amount by the end of the week. Fingers crossed. Off to work.

So far I had oatmeal and apple (174 kcal) and shirataki noodles in broth (23 kcal).

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December 1st

I broke my fast an hour after posting yesterday at 52 hours. I had peas and carrots and oatmeal. Though it was a little higher in calories than I would’ve liked, I was satisfied. I mean, I should’ve just gone to bed and fasted longer but it’s baby steps I guess. Today was utter chaos though. I had a small lunch consisting of cauliflower and shirataki (165 kcal) and went to work. I got in 20.000 steps today which is so awesome.

The urge to binge came after work and I really fought so hard. So hard. I got home and decided to have mushrooms (76 kcal). After eating them something clicked in my brain and I started to eat more. I had like 6 slices of toast, a packet of Christmas cookies and a chocolate santa. I bought the cookies and chocolate as a gift for my partner on St. Nicolas day. Now I’ll have to buy it again. Money wasted.

I told myself all week that I shouldn’t purge because of the wound that’s left behind after my wisdom tooth got pulled. But yeah, apparently my eating disorder isn’t concerned about impaired wound healing. I’m not in pain so I guess it’s fine but I really shouldn’t have done it. No, I shouldn’t have over eaten in the first place. I only had the chance to do it because I’m home alone at the moment. My partner is staying at a friend’s place for the next few days to work on a programming project. Tomorrow is a new day.

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51 hours

I’m not sure if I’ll break the fast in the morning or if I’ll be able to pull through to 72 hours. That would be a great success and I’m determined but not entirely optimistic. The longer the fast lasts, the harder it gets to break it? It doesn’t feel worth it at all.. why eat? I don’t need it.

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38 hours

Good morning. Feeling alright after 38 hours of fasting. I finished packing up the self made advent calendar I’m going to give to my partner tomorrow. The sweets didn’t tempt me too much in the morning but I do feel hungry at the moment. I’m making iced green tea for lunch! I gotta do the dishes, work on assignments and work in the evening.

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26 hours, November 29th

Yeah, 26 hours into fasting and I’m feeling quite good. I’ve been tempted to eat several times but I stayed strong! And I bought the Fitbit Alta HR in gunmetal, wooo! It’s super awesome and I’m already looking forward to tracking everything more precisely than ever. I’m going to try from now on to walk literally everywhere. I just hope I’ll have the time. I’m definitely promising to never take the bus again, only if I’m already running late of course.