thingsmydadsaid - Tumblr blog

[thingsmydadsaid]

Many relationships would be a lot healthier if we romanticized honest, open and direct communication instead of idealizing the idea of a partner who's intuitively in tune with your every need. You don't need someone who can read your mind, you just need someone who's willing to listen when you speak.

[thingsmydadsaid]

Communication feels like arguing when you have a hard time expressing your emotions.

[thingsmydadsaid]

[thingsmydadsaid]

I've read books on psychology, I read other peoples accounts of abusive partents, I've been in therapy for 5 years now. And still the only way I can describe my father is the word "evil". That sums if up. Abusive, sadistic, condescending, neurotic, all these words apply, but they are only parts of what he is. Ultimatively only evil can describe his actions and words.

[thingsmydadsaid]

[thingsmydadsaid]

Really hate how “mommy and daddy issues” just a jab at the child and not the parent

[thingsmydadsaid]

Just b because I wasn't loved as a child l, doesn't mean I am unlovable.

[thingsmydadsaid]

storylines that obviously try to have the viewer sympathize with an abusive parent and push the child into forgiveness by portraying them as the “bad guy” for not wanting a relationship with the parent are so ugly..

[thingsmydadsaid]

My therapist told me similar thing.... So true!

[thingsmydadsaid]

the last few weeks ive dreamt about my father torturing / trapping my sister and I and i think its actually a good thing. this man was always incredibly abusive towards us. for 20 years, all i can remember from him is cutting insults, obsessive control and disinterest. I today told my therapist that it is impossible to imagine my father complementing me or my sister. it has never happened. i am not exagerating. this man has never said something nice to his children so much that i can not picture in my mind eye that he smiles and says a compliment. besides the obvious emotional damage and parentaly induced self-hate, he has also deprived us of privacy, healthy habits around food/everyday life/social encounters and (literal and emotional) warmth.

and for years i've had these nightmares of some anonymous attacker trapping or chasing my sister an I. and now I have done so much therapy and worked through so much, that my subconscious can finally see the real source of these traumatic experiences, our father. i am also so full of rage right now that is now coming up after the abuse has been unrepressed.

[thingsmydadsaid]

My sister is living with my dad right now and she recently had one of those rare bad reactions to the COVID vaccine, as she told me over the phone recently.

I just went on a call with my dad and he said "Have you heard what happened to [sister] at the vaccination center?" and I was like expecting him to talk about the fact how she went almost unconscious.

Nope, he went about in an annoyed tone how she forgot to turn off the lights when she left the car and then the battery was empty when she came back. Okay, dad, sounds a bit like you care more about the car battery than your own daughter but let's give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he thought I had heard about the vaccine reaction and he just wanted to tell me something new.

So I went "I heard she also reacted badly to the vaccine" and instead of talking about her wellbeing now or what it was like for her or ANYTHING that could be interpreted as a faint show of sympathy, he went on in an annoyed tone about how he had to drive her to the hospital and the pharmacy. What a hassle it was for him. How wasteful it is that the rest medicine bottle he bought for her won't be used anymore after the two doses she took.

Fuck that dude.

He always cared so little about the wellbeing of me and my sister. He made us feel like basic needs like medical care was a burden to him and we weren't worth it.

How can you be so unempathetic and inhumane?

[thingsmydadsaid]

- "Toxic Parents" by Dr. Susan Forward

[thingsmydadsaid]

I. Your Relationship with Your Parents When You Were a Child:

1. Did your parents tell you you were bad or worthless? Did they call you insulting names? Did they constantly criticize you?

2. Did your parents use physical pain to discipline you? Did they beat you with belts, brushes, or other objects?

3. Did your parents get drunk or use drugs? Did you feel confused, uncomfortable, frightened, hurt, or ashamed by this?

4. Were your parents severely depressed or unavailable because of emotional difficulties or mental or physical illness?

5. Did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems?

6. Did your parents do anything to you that had to be kept secret? Were you sexually molested in any way?

7. Were you frightened of your parents a great deal of the time?

8. Were you afraid to express anger at your parents?

II. Your Adult Life:

1. Do you find yourself in destructive or abusive relationships?

2. Do you believe that if you get too close to someone, they will hurt and/or abandon you?

3. Do you expect the worst from people? From life in general?

4. Do you have a hard time knowing who you are, what you feel, and what you want?

5. Are you afraid that if people knew the real you, they wouldn’t like you?

6. Do you feel anxious when you’re successful and frightened that someone will find out you’re a fraud?

7. Do you get angry or sad for no apparent reason?

8. Are you a perfectionist?

9. Is it difficult for you to relax or have a good time?

10. Despite your best intentions, do you find yourself behaving “just like your parents”?

III. Your Relationship with Your Parents as an Adult:

1. Do your parents still treat you as if you were a child?

2. Are many of your major life decisions based upon whether your parents would approve?

3. Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions after you spend or anticipate spending time with your parents?

4. Are you afraid to disagree with your parents?

5. Do your parents manipulate you with threats or guilt?

6. Do your parents manipulate you with money?

7. Do you feel responsible for how your parents feel? If they’re unhappy, do you feel it’s your fault? Is it your job to make it better for them?

8. Do you believe that no matter what you do, it’s never good enough for your parents?

9. Do you believe that someday, somehow, your parents are going to change for the better?

- "Toxic Parents" by Dr. Susan Forward

[thingsmydadsaid]

WHAT DO TOXIC PARENTS DO TO YOU?

"Whether adult children of toxic parents were beaten when little or left alone too much, sexually abused or treated like fools, overprotected or overburdened by guilt, they almost all suffer surprisingly similar symptoms: damaged self-esteem, leading to self-destructive behavior. In one way or another, they almost all feel worthless, unlovable, and inadequate. These feelings stem, to a great degree, from the fact that children of toxic parents blame themselves for their parents’ abuse, sometimes consciously, sometimes not. It is easier for a defenseless, dependent child to feel guilty for having done something “bad” to deserve Daddy’s rage than it for that child to accept the frightening fact that Daddy, the protector, can’t be trusted.

When these children become adults, they continue to bear these burdens of guilt and inadequacy, making it extremely difficult for them to develop a positive self-image. The resulting lack of confidence and self-worth can in turn color every aspect of their lives."

- "Toxic Parents" by Dr. Susan Forward

[thingsmydadsaid]

When you’re being abused, being accused of something is equal to being guilty of said thing, and thus being convicted/punished. You can’t defend yourself either, as you’ll be invalidated/gaslighted/otherwise manipulated or threatened into silence or agreeing with the abuser. That, or your self-defense will automatically be taken as evidence of your “guilt.” Sometimes they won’t give you a chance to speak. Sometimes you’ll wonder if you’re actually guilty of said thing, and you just forgot because the abuser made you believe your brain is defective, etc.

This is all vile, manipulative, and scummy bullshit. Abusers are just trying to feel powerful and justified in abusing you. They gaslight and silence you so you can’t interfere with their fantastical delusions. And it’s usually over petty things too (which goes to show how immature abusers are).

[thingsmydadsaid]

Anger at the injustice/violation of your health/safety/wellbeing is a sign you are healing - you are starting to see the abuse from the perspective of an adult with compassion for a child, not just the scared/trapped child who had to idolize your abusers and sacrifice yourself because you depended on them to survive.

It doesn’t really matter “why” they did it, it’s time to stop focusing on them and focus on you. How did you feel? How do you feel now? You deserve a voice. You deserve validation. You deserve compassion. You deserve healing.

[thingsmydadsaid]

When you’re growing up in abusive family, you don’t feel like “oh, I’m being abused, this is wrong.” You don’t even think about that. Instead, you feel guilty all the time. You feel like a horrible person. You feel useless and wrong, like something is fundamentally wrong with you, and you deserve every bit of harm coming your way.

For every time your parents hurt you, you feel it was justified and you deserved and provoked it. You keep feeling horrible and guilty about everything you’ve done to cause it. Even when something extreme happens, you dismiss it with “they didn’t mean that” or “it was just once, in anger, so it doesn’t count.”

You feel like a burden, because you know these people don’t want you in their house, and you don’t feel capable of being independent, and it’s on you that you keep bothering them with your existence, and don’t seem to be capable of getting out of there. You don’t feel like you deserve food, shelter, clothes, or anything. You feel like a burden no matter what you do. You don’t feel welcome anywhere, you don’t feel like you have a home, like there’s a place on this planet where you could be loved and cared for. You doubt yourself so badly, you struggle to see any value in your existence and it becomes hard. You break down and feel weak and lost and like everyone else is leaving you behind. You don’t feel like a part of anything. You feel guilty for existing the way you are.

If you felt this, you’ve been thru abuse. There is no one on this world who is useless, unworthy of love, or deserves to feel so guilty and to be hurt all the time. These ideas didn’t come from you, but from how horribly you were treated. Feeling this way is not normal. You did not deserve to feel this way.