thejokerhisjokes - Tumblr blog

[thejokerhisjokes]

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume knob stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

[thejokerhisjokes]

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

You pull the pin and throw it back!

[thejokerhisjokes]

*Phone rings at work*

Boss: Why don't you answer it?

Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.

Boss: ANSWER IT GODDAMMIT!

Me: 911, what's the emergency?

[thejokerhisjokes]

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"

[thejokerhisjokes]

Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.

[thejokerhisjokes]

I asked my phone "Siri, why am I so bad with women?"

She said "I'm Alexa you moron."

[thejokerhisjokes]

Available in:

Black | Dark blue | Blue | Red | Green | Purple | Dark grey 

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[thejokerhisjokes]

I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

[thejokerhisjokes]

My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

[thejokerhisjokes]

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .

[thejokerhisjokes]

funny!

Available in:

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[thejokerhisjokes]

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

[thejokerhisjokes]

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

[thejokerhisjokes]

Nerd

[thejokerhisjokes]

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

A solid 10, but also imaginary.

[thejokerhisjokes]

My Cocaine Is So White

Police Let It Go With A Warning

[thejokerhisjokes]

A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"