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The Wife of Bath of Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales

Courtesy of onemissabernathy

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Rosalind of Shakespeare’s As You Like It

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Aristophanes, The Birds

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Karl Marx, Das Capital

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Antigone of Sophocles’ Antigone/Oedipus at Colonus

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Agathon of Plato’s Symposium

Courtesy of onemissabernathy

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What philosopher should YOU fight

there are a lot of philosophers out there, and they all need to get pummeled. here’s the chances that you’ll come out on top in no particular order.

Socrates  Who wins: Socrates  Look, there is a -100% chance that Socrates lands a KO, but that’s because he doesn’t need to. you come in spoiling for a fight and by the end of it you’re seriously debating whether you can truly claim to have ownership of your arms. It makes you want to fight him more and then you just get deeper into the spiral. don’t bother.

Plato  Who wins: Plato Sorry, but his name literally means ‘burly guy.’ you’re not going to win this one.

Aristotle Who wins: You Ok actually I don’t know who wins here but Aristotle needs to be beaten up so badly. Please punch him. I’ll help.

Diogenes:  Who wins: Diogenes I get why you want to fight him. I want to fight him. Everyone wants to fight him. don’t do it tho. His entire life is a series of him asking people to fight him and he still lived to one million years old. Don’t do it.

Epicurus  Who wins: Epicurus Jesus don’t fight Epicurus. dude does NOT care. your punches will be like water off a ducks back.

Kant Who wins: Nobody I forget the argument I was going to make because I just looked him up and he looks like a weird adult baby.

you’ll win this one but why do you want to fight an adult baby. Avoid.

Voltaire Who wins: You sidenote: is there a single picture where Voltaire doesn’t look punchable?

honestly. anyway, look at the guy, he’s like 20 pounds. punch him. 

Hume Who wins: Hume 'In 1731, he was afflicted with a ravenous appetite and palpitations of the heart. After eating well for a time, he went from being “tall, lean and raw-bon'd” to being “sturdy, robust [and] healthful-like”' HE GOT ILL AND IT ONLY MADE HIM STRONGER. AVOID.

Hegel Who wins: ??? I honestly don’t know but ughhhhhhh he’s so smuuuuuug. Do it. Beat up Hegel.

Kierkegaard Who wins: You Like, the entire Concept of Anxiety. there is no way you could lose this fight. go for it. 

Spinoza Who wins: You But you won’t feel good about it. All this scrawny man wants to do is grind up some lenses and maybe watch some spiders making a web if its a wild day. Don’t fight Spinoza.

Descartes Who wins: Descartes Guy was a mercenary. He like, did fencing. Don’t fight Descartes.

Nietzsche Who wins: You Use his moustache as a pulley and kick him in the chest. When you knock him out whisper ‘human, all too human….’, and laugh.

John Stuart Mill 

Who wins: You JSM is the proto weird atheist guy who corners you and insists on going on and on about Richard Dawkins. You could take him easy. Fight John Stuart Mill.

Schopenhauer Who wins: Schopenhauer  He believed that the world is fundamentally unsatisfied and in search of satisfaction?? This man is DYING to punch somebody. Don’t do it.

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Benjamin Franklin

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Johnnie sheep

Messing up at the board like:

Off campus students finishing their lunch before 1:00s like:

Ignoring drama in your class like:

Hiding from someone you don’t want to see like:

Listening to bullshit in seminar like:

Being the first on to speak in seminar like:

Going for the last garlic stick like:

Going to the waltz party like:

Creeping on tutors in the coffeeshop like:

Leaving Mellon after seminar like:

Being a building with modern architecture on a historic campus like:

This programming has been brought to you by @typeheart and myself.

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Sir John Falstaff of William Shakespeare's Henry IV

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Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

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Alcibiades of Plato's Symposium

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Sigmund Freud, The Interpretation of Dreams

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DANAANS!

A-AAA-AAAHH!

FIGHTERS OF THE TROJANS!

A-AAA-AAAHH!

CHAMPIONS OF THE SUN!

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Gottfried Wilhelm von Leibniz

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Proof positive that not only do at least 200 classics dorks know how to use computers, but that at least 200 classics dorks can navigate the Internet.  

Show this to your Luddite tutors.

(Seriously though, thank you.)

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Agathon of Plato's Symposium