#zookeeer

[notmrskennedy]

at the zoo i work at, we do this thing called Tort Graze where we put our tortoises & turtles out on a lawn to get sun, snacks, etc

to put one of the torts back, i had to go thru this little keeper door (kinda looks like a closet) and when i opened it there was a kid staring at me

the most tim drake kid i’ve ever seen in my whole life

told me i was five minutes late to putting my tortoise back w his little digital kid watch

like buddy pal little timmy drake stop staring at me with those big ole batman stalking eyes

[notmrskennedy]

zoo tales pt joke between me n the gals

we’re zookeepers….. of course we’re collecting pine cones in random bits of shrubbery it’s enrichment!

we’re zookeepers…. we’ve stuck our hands in shit filled drains but freak out about killing cockroaches

we’re zookeepers…. there’s always hay in our pockets and bras

we’re zookeepers… we’re all neurotic about locks

[barrel-x-rider]

I didn’t have an anxiety disorder until I worked as a cashier at Walmart for three months. I had to take 30mg of Valium just to go to work without crying. One day, it felt like I was floating over my own body watching myself check people out, repeating the same words over and over like a robot. I had to quit because I got to the point where I started considering ways to injure myself bad enough to go to the hospital to get out of work without being yelled at because I was out of call off days and wouldn’t get anymore for 6 months. That was 3 years ago and I still struggle with anxiety so bad that I can hardly function. Going in Walmart gives me panic attacks now. That place broke my brain. And now I’m terrified to ever get another job because I had two equally shitty jobs before that (one where I was 16 and worked from 4-11 as a cashier and wasn’t allowed to take a break for food and another as a waitress that I enjoyed but the restaurant owner’s family was the head waitstaff and they always stole my tips). I’m going to school to be a zookeeer but I’ll still have to interact with the public and I’ve been putting off my internship because I’m scared the other zookeepers will be mean to me. Working in retail broke me as a person.

People always gloss over how mentally damaging it can be to work in retail. I fucking hate that whenever I say “I could never work in retail again” someone has to reply “You snowflake millennials can’t take a starter job because you have to INTERACT with other people” No. Fuck you. I’ve worked as a planetarium host. I’ve worked as a public speaker. I’ve worked as a tutor and as a student teacher. I can work with people. I can work with crowds. Retail was fucking different. Retail was being treated as a subhuman. Retail was being treated so poorly that you have anxiety attacks before work. Having to work retail was a factor in my last suicide attempt. If I hear you say one fucking word about retail workers playing the victim I will personally break every bone in your body. Fuck You.

[notmrskennedy]

zoo tales pt bear

me, minding my own business, washing bear pool: 🧽🫧

some man, presumably a father: hey look a bear!

me, internally: FUCKING WHERE

that father: bear’s really enjoying the pool!

me, externally: haha that’s right! i’m the bear today! 😇☺️

me, internally: get the rubber room ready lads that’s it

[notmrskennedy]

zoo tales, kids edition

kid A to her parents, probably like 6: wow!! that zookeeper!! must have!! so much fun!! being around!! animals all day!!

yes child you are a 1000% correct i have the best job

—

kid B, while i’m shovelling rhino crap, maybe 12 years old: hey where’s the platypus?

me: the platypus? we don’t have those here

kid B: oh uhhh i mean the rhinos. yeah the rhinos

me, internally: how?? did she?? get platypus?? and rhinos?? confused??

—

kid C, very orthodox jewish with her family, maybe 7: (does best bear imitation i have ever heard, 10/10 though she was a grizzly in disguise)

[notmrskennedy]

back with another question!! i was thinking about you and i can imagine you have hundreds of little stories about your job. what's some instance you will never forget it was so memorable?

that's a good goddamn question...because i suddenly have no thoughts in my head.

but, okay, here's a good one. this is gonna be a little long tho...

our intern coordinator really likes to issue time challenges, like 'i bet you can clean this entire holding in six minutes' kind of time challenges. so this time she says to me and (Other Intern) as we're sucking down some AC post-push-brooming-the-whole-fucking-elephant-barn "hey ladies if you get barn hosed in under thirty minutes you can do something fun with any animal" so

me and (Other Intern) fucking run into the barn and we get that shit DONE. like twenty six mother fucking minutes fucking done.

(elephant barn consists of one person using 100ft fire hose to wash down six stalls, two hallways, and a squeeze chute. the second person clears out the gutters full of shit and hay which ultimately gets all over you)

we usually take 45-60 min to do. TWENTY SIX minutes.

our reward was taking the sling shot and some produce out onto the tram road and throwing it to the elephants. (Other Intern) hit an elephant in the face three times. i hit myself in the face. it was glorious.

but yeah, besides the baby rhino, this is a pretty memorable experience.

[notmrskennedy]

zoo tales

shit's getting hard lads

everything's wet

giraffes have sniffed me in a disreputable manner

i couldn't back the hay trailer into the barn

[notmrskennedy]

throw back to when i said over the radio "I need some help down here, it's raining baby birds!"

[notmrskennedy]

POV: ur the grape my son dropped

[notmrskennedy]

zookeeper tales pt tiktok memes so i don't scream at someone

you see how i use the green side of the sponge while i do dishes? very demure very cleanly

you see how i put the AM diets on the AM shelf and I put PM on the PM shelf? very following expectations very mindful

you see how i lock and secure ALL animal doors before leaving the immediate area? very safe very secure

you see how i follow the diet charts and give the animals their exact prescribed amounts? very cutesy very doing my job

do you see how i don't lock the ferret in a tube overnight bc no one closes that door so why would you close that door????? very demure very trying not to lose my job bc those are governmentally controlled ferrets

[notmrskennedy]

zookeeper tales

had the entire office staff ask me if i was okay after falling out of the spoonbills (am known to be accident prone) but i couldn’t figure out when i had ever fallen out of that exhibit.

turns out! me and the new guy have the same initials! HE fell. i got to stop freaking out that i forgot falling

[notmrskennedy]

our female roadrunner is my favourite bird in the whole zoo and whenever i close the desert building she makes sure to give me all her lil velociraptor noises in goodbye 🥰🥰🦖

[notmrskennedy]

out of context quote:

of course my left hand can dump cup. claire, why are you being so silly?

[notmrskennedy]

did the grossest thing i’ve ever done today: scrape thousands of maggots off our lynx for two hours

i’m still itchy & i can’t look at anything vaguely rice grain shaped without wanting to puke

[notmrskennedy]

zoo tales update

i made mouse piñatas for the ocelot! which is just as fucking weird and gruesome and it sounds!