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questioningespecialy · 1 year

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SiCKtM: the horrors of myself; or, seeing the monster

So I started playin’ Heartthrob Memorial: Under the Tree of Legends (aka: Tokimeki Memorial) on June 9th thanks to Translated.Games’ American English patch and finally figuring out how to find the exact ROM file I needed (ugh). We already know why I started playin’ it, so let’s skip straight to the issue.

See, I decided to (wisely/unwisely) play this highschool dating sim as myself from that time period. Genuinely, but “correctly”. I took notes. Paid attention to everything that was said and how it was said. Who seemed to enjoy what and what seemed to be of no interest to others. Every little thing that occurred in my interactions with the 7 girls I met. Everything that seemed relevant to me atleast (so damn near everything). And things were going great. Yeah, I was stressed dahell out tryin’a manage these relationships with all 7 girls I met during the first year of 1996-1997. The 7 girls I admittedly made secondary to mah grindset (of self-improvement) ‘til I realized I was neglectin’em. And once they did become a focus? Once they did get put to the forefront of my life with maintainin’ and continuously raisin’ stats becoming secondary instead? That’s when the stress crept in. I was always concerned with how they felt. What they wanted. And what they’d enjoy. Every interaction was purposeful. A purposeful question of “How should I respond?”. Of “What would she like more?” Of “Was that the right move?” And I won’t say it wasn’t helpful. But I also won’t say it did the trick.

11 days after final exams (I got ranked 57th 🤷🏿‍♂️), I walked Yumi home on July 18th of 1997 and she asked me what my summer break plans were before telling me she was goin’ to the Beach with Yoshio—her older brother. On July 22nd, a day after our Marine Day date to the Aquarium, Yuko asked me what my summer break plans were before tellin’ me she was going swimming at the Beach and Pool (also visiting the Zoo?). Then Summer Vacation began a few days later.

I joined Yukari at the Beach (pretty sure she was there early), got invited to a double date with Shiori and Yuina at the Amusement Park by Yoshio, went to the Pool with Mio (early) before walking home together, and then… the problems came. 2 weeks later, right after the Second Semester started and for the 4th time that year (and ever), I got rejected. Ayako said she had plans when I invited her to the Amusement Park’s night parade. Ayako again said she had plans (apologetically this time) when I invited her to the new Bowling Alley a week later. In class, the frankly dangerous Yuina invited me to the Shopping Mall on September 14th. 4 days later, I walked Yumi home again. 2 days after that, I enjoyed the Shopping Mall’s Junk Shop with Yuina (early), who let me know that she’s been busy experimenting but it’d be fine to ask her out whenever she’s free. The next day, on September 15th of 1997, the School Trip began. And that’s when I quit.

But why? Well, like I said before, this shit’s too damn stressful.

Here’s a screenshot of the screen you’ll get after calling Yoshio and asking “how the girls would rate me”. It was taken the day before Yuina invited me to the Shopping Mall and a week after Ayako rejected me for the 3rd time. Ayako… one of the 2 girls who liked me, and the only one to give me a gift on both my birthday and at Rei’s winter holiday party. The rest being neutral and Yuina being… Yuina.

iirc (it’s been 3.5 months, y’all) I got overwhelmed tryin’a stay on the positive side of everybody. Even the people I wasn’t interested in. In hindsight, I probably wanted everybody to like me. But also… I didn’t want no bombs.

So I was nice to everyone who showed interest in me. Went outta my way to go on dates with ‘em. Bought ‘em gifts when the time came. etc. I went from 4 girls feelin’ neglected on October 13th of 1996 to 2 neutral and 2 neglected on December 1st to 2 liking me and 3 neutral on April 6th of 1997 to 2 liking 3 neutral and 3 neglected on July 20th. Y’all, this was work. I was tired as hell tryin’a manage these mofos’ (digital) emotions. Tryin’a get these mofos to like me. Even though I had already decided… well, I’ll just quote a message I sent to someone many hours after I started playing…

Tokimeki Memorial's been a thorough fun of sorts. Lots of note taking (my god). Interesting seeing what comes, though. Just made it through the first of 3 years in-game. Hoping no wrenches get thrown my way considering how orderly I'm trying to take things. Kinda got a #1 after thinking over (for too damn long) which of two cuties I was gonna give a special chocolate to during White Day. One's a quiet Drama Club bookworm and the other's a friendly Artist Club artist. So I asked myself... "Who would teenage me have preferred?" And barely a second later ma ass answered "The artist". 😂

So there. “Everybody’s got a type.” anyway

So what’s actually goin’ on here? Why was I so bothered by a back-to-back rejection from someone who liked me at the same time that 4 other people (who I wasn’t even interested in) were just neutral? (nevermind bein’ stressed dafuq out by this whole-ass pre-Soulsborne shit) Why’d I quit this game 4 days after I started it?

Well, I’m not sure tbh. It was probably just too damn stressful, though. And that’s not even actually what this essay’s about. This essay (about some Tokimeki Memorial shit) came aboot after something hit me. I don’t recall what triggered the hit (since it’s been over a week now and I’m finally typing this damn thing), but I do remember the hit.

i was a monster

Let me explain. Remember when I said I was playin’ the game genuinely? It wasn’t a stretch. I made decisions that me from highschool would’ve made (if I was more outgoing). Stat grind and all. Well, minus the gift giving. I’ve very rarely received any from non-relatives, so I didn’t become the type to actually see the issue with not giving people one. 🤷🏿‍♂️

Anywho.

Questioning (from long ago of course >.>) was just… really nice. Like, I loved being nice to people, especially female-presenting people (🤔). It was to the point I would feed off someone enjoying my niceness. Felt so good, it could become orgasmic. Y’all,... I was a vamp. 🧛🏿‍♀️

But anyway, this lil tendency of mine (just bein’ nice and shit) would, uh… get me into some trouble I guess. >.> See~… some people~… kinda sorta~… 👉🏿 👈🏿 caught feelin’s 😐

And I wasn’t ‘bout it. 😬 So~… Yeah~… 💀

And where does this lead? To “problems”. Problems that I absolutely did not want. Problems that I definitely did not need. Problems that were, at best, an inconvenience. Problems that were, at worst, emotionally painful.

I did not like this shit. I did not need this shit. I just wanted to be nice to people. Nice without assumption. Nice without issue. Nice with the barest amount of appreciation.

But life wasn’t havin’ that. Humans don’t work that way. People are inevitably conditioned to think certain ways. Male-presenting mofos (brothas especially?) aren’t assumed to have good intentions when they’re too nice. People tend to like those who make them feel good. Somebody who gets no attention is likely to fall for the first (decent-lookin’) mofo that consistently gives them any. And then there’s attraction by proximity. 🤷🏿‍♂️

What I’m sayin’ is… problems came. And I hated it. I hated the way it made me feel to see someone I cared about clearly longing for me and knowing it’d never be reciprocated. I hated to see that moment, that expression, when I slipped up and someone suddenly saw me as more than just a friend. I hated the fear it’d cause knowing that I could lose a friend. I hated having to worry day in day out about people catchin’ feelings.

I just wanted to be. Be a friend. Be me. Be free… to love. Platonically.

And I managed. From my perspective atleast. Can’t say it was emotionally fair of me, the way I managed it. There’s no telling how many people were hurtin’. How many people were dying inside. How many people were in limerence. 😐 And part of me doesn’t wanna think about it.

But still i see them Their faces Their lonesome longingly pained faces

And I wonder... How much did it hurt? How bad was it for them? How bad was I? Was I a monster?

I mean, I did emotionally manipulate people to not see me a certain way. And I did have little concern for how some would feel as I talked them into a friendzone. >.> And I did tend to prioritize getting others to settle for friendship over them doing what probably was in their best interest and walking away. <.<

And so... Years beyond the social circles I found myself in at college. Years beyond the social circles I found myself in at secondary school. Years beyond the social circles I found myself in at primary school. I sat at my desk. Doing whatever. And it hit me.

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