#you're worth so much more

[vexxandra]

Should you hold onto this person? (any connection!!)

Little disclaimer: I’ve posted PAC readings before, but I cannot ensure the accuracy! Please take what resonates and leave what doesn’t! Another thing I want to say: if you’re here with me, reading this... reading (lmao) with the intent to know if this person is worth waiting for, the answer won’t fully come from me. Of course, PACs give you insight on a situation, but I don’t want to encourage you to do something that isn’t aligned with your higher self or with your greatest good. So please, please, please, please pleeeease don’t fully rely on me, or really anyone else. Please don’t get the wrong idea, that I’m telling you not to trust anyone, that’s not my intention at all! I suppose what I’m trying to say is that: “Don’t let other people 100% make your decisions from you.” At the end of the day, it’s your life, and these are decisions that you must make, though I and others can give you guidance. No matter what, the Universe will make sure everything turns out okay, okay? :) Also none of these images belong to me!

I was originally gonna do this reading only for myself, but then I started scrolling and bingereading PACs and found little readings that benefitted my current situation, and I thought, “What if people are asking about the same thing as me?” So here we are rn :D

ᴘɪʟᴇ ᴏɴᴇ! - Aubrey sticking her tongue out and pouting

Should you hold onto this person? ~ Six of Pentacles

Yes, yes, and yes!!! Six of pentacles is such a good card especially when asking about someone! I feel like this person is just like a warm blanket, I even got that vibe from the pic itself! I also feel like this person could be a soulmate of some sorts, or could be perhaps in your soul family? If you believe in incarnation, I feel like you’ve had a few lives together, and just generally have had a happy time together. I feel like the season of fall might be significant as well, or maybe early spring? Either way, I get a strong feeling that equinox seasons hold some kind of significance. But I kind of feel like no matter what I said, you’d still hold onto your person. At least just a teeny tiny bit.

What would happen if you stayed? ~ Three of Swords rx, The Hanged Man rx, Two of Cups

I feel like things would go amazingly for you, pile one. We have the Three of Swords rx, which talks about moving forward and healing, and the Two of Shells which talks about union. I feel like most of you will move forwards with this person, but if you go your separate ways, that’s okay too, plenty of new opportunities are awaiting you, so just take the leap of faith is what spirit is telling me :). We also have the Hanged Man, which, for me, represents new perspective and not repeating the same mistakes. Of course, different people have different interpretations, some people interpret the Hanged Man rx in love as a sign to leave, as it’s a toxic relationship, but I don’t really get that feeling for you guys. Again, it’s about healing past wounds and a new start, so yes I can feel like it would turn out very positively for you all! <33

What would happen if you let go? ~ Two of Swords, Six of Cups, Page of Swords rx

First of all, the cards took so long to come out. I had to pull all of them manually (which I, like, never do) so I feel like its highly unlikely that this pile will let go of their person, but if they were to, it would be very against their will (take this as it resonates people!!). En tout cas, we have the two of swords, which shows me that you’ll be very torn between what to do. You might feel a little lost and hopeless is what I’m feeling, even though that’s not what the card really talks about. But with this Six of Shells, I can see that you’ll find someone that’ll really be whatever you wanted. Like, kind of like... she’s(he’s/they’re) a fairytale~~.... Finally, we have the Page of Swords rx, which tells me to be a bit wary of the way you both are communicating. Make sure you be patient with each other and wait for the other to tell their whole story, okay? Don’t get into foolish arguments over nothing. It’s terrible.. and ruins both of your days. Speaking from experience :P

ᴘɪʟᴇ ᴛᴡᴏ! - Aubrey lying down, staring at the stars

Should you hold onto this person? ~ Ace of Swords rx

My dear pile twos... I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if you should stay or go. Truth be told, I don’t even know if you know what you should know! I get the strong feeling that this is a new person, or it very heavily seems like this person is unknown to you. Let’s start with the basics. How do you feel about this person? Do these feelings change as you see sides of this person that you don’t usually see? Once you take of your rose colored glasses, does anything change at all? It’s time to go over what you’re certain of in order to make a decision. And that decision must come from your heart.

What would happen if you stayed? ~ Page of Swords rx, Three of Pentacles, Ace of Cups

Let’s cut to the chase. Things would start looking up!! With this Page of Swords, I see that miscommunications and small little arguments would mostly be regulated and smoothed out between the two of you. I see that most arguments would be better, and communication in general would start getting better. Next up, with the Three of Pentacles, you’d start doing more things together. I see very much quality time with this card, and this ties in very well with the Ace of Cups, there’ll be a renewal in this connection, in the sense that the love will be renewed. Kind of like, putting a spell in you all over again. You’ll feel like the sun poked out of the clouds and started mesmerizing you again. This is good energy!!

What would happen if you let go? ~ Three of Cups rx, Two of Pentacles rx, The Hermit rx

Let’s start with the Two of Pentacles rx. I can see that you’d be juggling a lot of things (possibly to forget about your person?) and drowning in your work to try to distract yourself from this Three of Cups rx. For me, the Three of Cups rx is all about sorrow and bad times. All about the sad times after the high. I can also see that with the Hermit I can see that you’ll be mostly aimlessly doing stuff, like, drowning in your work and mindlessly repeating your routines. I don’t want this to discourage anyone from leaving their person, as I can see that this is a quite short-term energy so please don’t feel discouraged at all! Please, please, pleeease don’t let me stop you from doing what you think is best!!

ᴘɪʟᴇ ᴛʜ��ᴇᴇ! - Pink haired Aubrey eating dango (at least that’s what I think it is, it could be ice cream i guess?)

Should you hold onto this person? ~ Five of Wands rx

Yes, pile three, I think you should hold onto this person! If the two of you have been going through difficult times, this card is definitely a confirmation that things with be... I don’t wanna say peachy pink perfection but it’ll be very nice! Both of you have gone through a period of maturity and are now ready to move forward together, in a peaceful, harmonious manner.

What would happen if you stayed? ~ Knight of Swords, Ace of Cups, Five of Swords, Ace of Pentacles

Starting off with the Knight of Swords and the Ace of Cups, I see this is more individual more than as a pair. You both as a result of being together, or at least having the others support, will become more... hm... I suppose assertive? More willing to stand in your power, I see. And this standing in your power I can see also ties into your self love. So this person helps you stand in your power, and helps you love yourself unconditionally. Next, we have the Five of Swords and the Ace of Pentacles together. Interesting because I only wanted three cards but got four. Interesting! So, let’s start with the Five of Swords. I take this card very much as a card that depicts passive aggressiveness and pettiness and selfishness, so one person might still struggle with expressing their anger, but with the Ace of Pentacles, I can see that these problems will be accepted and offered help by the other person. So yeah! Awesomesauce!! (I apologize)

What would happen if you let go? ~ Ten of Wands, Queen of Wands, Knight of Wands rx

First of all, no matter if you stay or go, I can see that you’ve been tired for a while. But if you choose to let go, I can see that you’re even more exhausted because of this person, or maybe because of external factors. Or maybe external factors regarding this person. Or maybe because external factors caused your person to be different. Whatever this is, I can see that you’re tired. But you’re still fighting. You still have fight in your eyes, you still want to change, you still want to keep fighting for yourself/what you believe in. And with this Queen of Wands, I know, one hundred percent that you will succeed. You will be victorious in whatever you want, whatever you’re fighting for, you will succeed, and you will come out on top of it. Finally, with the Knight of Wands rx, this also ties into your Ten of Wands/Queen of Wands battles. I can see that it will initially be frustrating because it feels like your efforts aren’t going anywhere, and that you’re not changing anything, spirit or whatever you believe in is saying that; “No, you are making a change, you are making a difference, your efforts aren’t in vain, don’t give up.”

ᴘɪʟᴇ ꜰᴏᴜʀ! - Pink haired Aubrey smiling

Should you hold onto this person? ~ Four of Crystals rx

Maybe, if you’re open to change. The walls on your heart have come falling down, causing you to be vulnerable. But fear still taints your soul. You want to run away, run far, far, far away from this person, run a thousand miles to not see their stupid face again, because you hate how they make you feel. How they caused your heart to warm, how they broke down you walls. You think that you’re scared of this person, but it’s actually that you’re afraid of how they make you feel. So if you’re willing to confront your fear, I personally am leaning more towards yes, hold on, but overall, I’m just feeling neutrality. Like my spirit guides don’t want me to interfere in your decision.

What would happen if you stayed? ~ The Wheel of Fortune rx, Queen of Pentacles rx, Queen of Wands

There’ll be trials and tribulations (I’m seeing the Princess and the Frog), that’ll come between you and this person. These events are totally out of control, and won’t be your fault at all, and with peace and love, nothing you can do will change it, so don’t spend your time trying to change the inevitable. I can see that these changes will cause one or both parties (or third parties) to become snappy and irritable. Don’t really pay much mind to that, unless they cross a line, then now I’m hearing that one tiktok sound that’s like, beat his ass bro, beat his ass, but obviously don’t do that lmao. Or maybe do that. I don’t know, spirit didn’t tell me anything about the beating of asses so do whatever feels right to you. Finally, with this Queen of Wands, I can see that you’re taking back what was once taken from you. I can see that you’re now standing in your personal power, and that’s awesome, I’m so proud of you!!!

What would happen if you let go? ~ Knight of Pentacles, Page of Cups, Four of Wands

Personal power through the roof!!!! You’re so powerful, I need you to know that right now!!!!!!! We have the Knight of Pentacles, so I see that you’ve been battered and bruised by life before, but I can see that you’ve always come out on top. You’ve never given in, and I honestly feel like bowing to your awesome warrior spirit! You’re so awesomely awesome that I cannot even!! Next let’s look at the Page of Cups. You’re going to heal your inner child, you’re going to heal all of your past wounds, and you don’t even KNOW how much your life is going to change after that!! And with the Four of Wands, which I depict as a family card, I can see that you’re family bonds (it doesn’t even have to be blood family, I consider my best friends my cousins!!) will be strengthened to the absolute MAX. And if you’re not on good terms with the people you love, I can see that that energy is shifting into a better energy!

ᴘɪʟᴇ ꜰɪᴠᴇ! (I personally also chose this pile, so let’s see if we should stay or go together :) ) - Aubrey drinking.... something??

**little note, since this is also my chosen pile, sometimes i’ll say we, but just ignore that if it bothers u :))

Should you hold onto this person? ~ The Fool rx

My fellow loves of pile five. We probably already know this, but it’s not the time to be holding on to this person. I know it’s hard. To love someone so hard, but to have them want other things, it’s terrible. Though, I know I shouldn’t give hope (I shouldn’t be giving out advice either, I’m so biased!), I feel like this isn’t the end. The Fool rx for me, is the closing of a cycle. Yes, yes, I know, that’s the World, but I really do get that vibe from the Fool. So, chin up pile five, it’s not the end.

What would happen if you stayed? ~ King of Pentacles, The Tower rx, Knight of Wands rx

The King of Crystals right off the bat shows me potential for something more. However, this contradicts with the Tower rx, which is all about prolonging disaster. This shows me that what you think, what you think is happening, when you think that the connection is moving forward, spirit is like nope! And flipping it upside down. This ties in super well with the Knight of Wands rx, because I feel your frustration. I feel your anger (but I’m angry all the time, so haha), but what spirit wants, spirit gets! There’s nothing we can do to change it. And, if you’re like me, you’re scared of change. I don’t know what to say to you if that’s the case, I’m sorry, but we’ll get through this together. It’s hard to go with the flow, but we’ll make it through, pile five. We’ll be okay.

What would happen if you let go? ~ Temperance rx, Eight of Pentacles rx, Seven of Pentacles rx

How sad lmao, whether we chose to stay or go, we will still have to deal with shit! That’s really sad, but anyways, let’s get into the cards. Starting off with Temperance in reverse, it’ll be very hard to adapt, because this person feels like home, you really miss this person, you could never have imagined this person leaving you, so it’s hard to change to fill the void created by said person leaving. Next up, let’s go to the Eight of Pentacles rx. This Temperance rx causes a great impact on your work/school life. It’s like, you’re distracted by this person leaving, that you start neglecting your other duties. Next, it’s interesting that we get the Seven of Pentacles right after the Eight, like we’re stepping down from a level, for lack of better words. For me, the Seven of Pentacles is movement even when stagnant, which doesn’t make sense, I know! But it’s very much behind the scenes, so I can see that spirit is orchestrating something more behind the scenes, I can see that it’s like, your deepest desires coming into fruition, but it’s veeeeeery slow. Just be patient, it’ll come (I know its hard!!!)

ᴘɪʟᴇ ꜱɪx! - Aubrey in a Christmas sweater

Should you hold onto this person? ~ Eight of Cups

I don’t think you should hold onto this person. I feel like you know that you need to move on, so what’s stopping you? Is it fear of being alone? Fear of the great unknown? Fear of the uncertainty? First of all, just identify what is keeping you trapped. You know that this wasn’t meant to be, so why are you still stuck on this person? Have courage to walk away from things that aren’t for you. You need to be open to change, and you need to know when to stop taking shit from this person.

What would happen if you stayed? ~ Hierophant rx, Eight of Swords, Page of Pentacles

You’d be wasting a lot of energy on something that isn’t worth it, pile six. With this Hierophant rx card, you feel like everything is urging you to leave, but also with this Eight of Swords you feel trapped in this situation. Please, please, please, pile six, if this is a situation where you’re getting hurt, or a situation where you feel unsafe, please seek help. I don’t want anything or anyone to hurt you, so please talk to someone you trust about this!! Please, I’m begging you. With this Page of Pentacles, I generally interpret this as a positive card in my readings, but all I can see here is one-sidedness. You’re so giving to this person, and yet they give back nothing in return. I know it’s hard to walk away but please walk away! I know I sound super forceful and maybe a little harsh too, but this sounds so much like what I had to deal with in the past, I don’t want you to repeat my past mistakes!!

What would happen if you let go? ~ The Wheel rx, The Hanged Man rx, Page of Pentacles

After your experiences with this person, the world might seem like its against you. You might have a low tolerance to little irritating things, and the slightest inconvenience might be taken in the wrong way. Please don’t think that I’m belittling you, because I feel the same way(even now, I have a lot to work on!). With the Hanged Man rx, it might feel like your life is stagnant, and that everything is in vain. This is giving me similar energy, but I can’t remember which one. Usually, I would say to chose a different pile, but if that pile tells you to hold on, DON’T DO IT. The person on your mind obviously is a dick, so I would say just choose another pile if you like, really, really feel drawn to it. If not, I’d personally just stick with this pile. Unless it doesn’t resonate. Then chose another, maybe that one will hit closer to home. En tout cas, with this Page of Pentacles, I can definitely see life looking up for you. Mentally, I can see you being more grounded and in control of your life, financially, things will be looking up, career wise, I can see a promotion or maybe some training for something you’ve been looking forward to for a while. Or maybe a new person struck your fancy. In that case, I’d advise you to take it slow, get a real feel of the person before assuming anything. You got this, pile six :)

ᴘɪʟᴇ ꜱᴇᴠᴇɴ! - Aubrey under an umbrella

Should you hold onto this person? ~ Two of Pentacles rx

Before looking up whether this would be a yes or no (guys no I promise I’m very professional), my answer was no. After skimming a few articles, my answer is a hard no! I don’t even know why, to be honest with you! Just no! Straight up no!

What would happen if you stayed? ~ Four of Swords, Queen of Cups, Ten of Wands

I can see that you’d get exhausted very quickly. With this Four of Swords, I’m seeing two possibilities. Either this person is taking you for granted, or you’re getting very tired of this person. With this Queen of Cups, I can see that you’re very loving towards this person, or you’re very tolerant. I also can kind of see that you act as their therapist, of sorts? Either way, I see that it’s very one sided. As in, you’re very giving towards them, but they won’t reciprocate the actions. They’re very selfish! Finally, with the Ten of Wands, you’re getting fed up. This whole pile has to deal with a lot of bullshit I’m seeing very clearly! En tout cas, you deserve much better, pile seven. Leave this person, they don’t deserve you.

What would happen if you let go? ~ Four of Cups rx, Six of Cups, Ten of Cups

If you let go, pile seven, you’d get so happy, you can’t even imagine. With this Four of Cups rx, I can see that you’ll be choosing yourself over other people for the first time in a while (or for the first time?) and it feels really good! You’re choosing happiness, and for that, I’m so proud of you, pile seven. Secondly, we have the Six of Cups. This could be regarding another person, but I feel as if this is more regarding yourself. You’re starting to love yourself the way that you deserve, and finishing off with the Ten of Cups. What a lovely way to end this reading that took me THREE HOURS TO WRITE. Anyways, I digress, you’ll have your happily ever after once you let go of that douche. I don’t really have anything else to say, pile seven! I’m happy for you!

~

~

~

~

How do you end a post? Um, well like and follow and reblog I guess lol?? I’ve never been good at ending things (hahaha ren very funny since you’re writing this blog) anyways, I hope you all have a lovely day!!!!!

[vaguely-concerned]

the more I play the more I think lucanis basically knows it's illario who betrayed him right from the beginning (he's had a year in the ossuary to think. not that many people knew where he was going. when you ask him 'did Illario know you'd be on that ship' his only answer is the hardest flattest 'yes' you ever heard). so it's not so much about figuring out who the traitor is (because that's ludicrous. we all know. immediately. they didn't really bother to hide it lmao) as about methodically closing off every single avenue of denial lucanis has clung to that whole time with as much or little gentleness as you might prefer until he has no choice but to admit it. because the moment he has to admit it, he'll have to do something -- feel something -- about it. and that's such a catastrophic event in lucanis' inner landscape (he has had TWO people in this whole entire world up until now and will do anything to hold on to them with a heartbreaking child-like desperation, even at and especially through the detriment of his own self) that he'd rather just. not. what if we quite simply. didn't. what if we just stayed here in the emptiness where we can both pretend you didn't hurt me in a way I should never forgive. I have so much practice in that with caterina already it's always worked out great for everyone so far. (press x to fucking doubt but that's trauma logic for you lol)

after everything illario did, so much of the storm of lucanis' emotions around it is 'what the FUCK did you get yourself tangled up in this time and how do I get you out of this mess safely'. what's worse: the fact that your brother murdered you, or that he put himself in horrible danger doing so and thus exposed you to the risk of losing him forever. lucanis' heart certainly has an opinion here and it's fucking unhinged (affectionate)

the themes of dissociation in lucanis' character in general makes me feel nuts. allllll these contradictory messy things he needs to cut off from each other because they can't coexist or be easily reconciled inside him. but all remain stubbornly true separately anyway and will have their due one day. love and resentment. tenderness and fear and rage. terror and longing. love and freedom don't coexist. the burned out golden child anthem is playing in the background. he was always caterina's favourite and he has to keep striving to deserve that dubious honour with every breath he takes and then, presumably, mercifully, some day he will die and be excused and can rest. and until now he's suppressed all the -- natural, healthy, protective! -- negative feelings that threaten the few attachment relationships he actually has, at the cost of ever actually having his needs for connection and safety met and leaving his core self imprisoned and compromised. and spite goes 'what. no. that's dumb fuck that' (*spite voice* I do not understand that and even if I did I would not respect it) and does not allow him to fall back into that, which I think is what saves his life, ultimately. it took being possessed by a demon for lucanis to even contemplate telling anyone he loves 'no' in any way, but hey. whatever gets you there right lol

lucanis is dealing with the freeze response allll the way down baby. and he was even before the ossuary, that just turbo powered it and brought it to a breaking point way before it could happen naturally. but something was going to break eventually no matter what, and I'm just glad that in the end, through the power of friendship and also pure spite, it doesn't have to be him

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

A gift horse for @piosplayhouse

[leupagus]

Ted Lasso, the character, is one of the only representations of 'sometimes getting better with your mental health issues means that you are less visibly happy, and that is okay, because you are not required to be happy in order to be loved' out there and I am really discouraged that so much of the audience is angry at that.

[demonproofboi]

S: It's not just about eating, it's about the experience! A: That's how the best memories are made.

[ineed-to-sleep]

Jackie died. Jackie died and I'm devastated. I will never be the same person again

[genericpuff]

me in the last couple days leading up to new rekindled updates:

me after rekindled updates and i see everyone's reactions and tags and theories which makes it all worth doing it over again:

[oceans-beloved]

Meme dump yayyy🥳✨️

(off to make more now muhahaha >:3)

[stop-breaking-my-heart-dragonage]

my greatest achievement in DA2 is maxing out Carver's friendship

and all it took was begrudgingly kissing a little templar ass in act 1 because Carver didn't want to plan a prison break if my Hawke got his ass arrested for being stupid.

[greenerteacups]

Hello GT, I absolutely love Lionheart!

I published my first fic and have been dealing with some criticism; it’s not anythjng super hateful, but it’s not anything meant to make me improve either. I’ve been feeling sort of down because of it. My question is: have you ever dealt with hate or criticism before? What is your attitude towards it?

I find your work and answers on here super insightful and inspiring! I hope you have a nice day ❤️

Fuck em. Like, seriously, just fuck em. There's a time and place for writers to take critique and be strict with themselves; it's necessary for any artist to grow. That place is with a chosen group of creatives whose work you admire and whose judgment you trust. A rando on the Internet, while they may in fact be the next Marcel Proust, probably isn't. And I was raised to believe that while it's appropriate and kind to pay compliments to strangers when they're performing — just as you'd smile at a busker on the sidewalk, and or compliment a chalk artist — it's not appropriate to criticize them when what they do isn't to your tastes. They're providing you with their art for free. No one forced you to read it; no one forced you to listen. If you don't like it, it costs $0 to shut the fuck up.

Also — that thing I said about artists taking critique? That assumes that you're doing this out of a desire to improve your writing, which, while noble, is not actually a thing you need to do if you're a hobby writer. I like trying to improve; it makes me feel good. But at the end of the day, I do this for fun. I do this because in my real job, I am ruthless and self-critical and try really fucking hard to do well, and you need parts of your life that Aren't Like that. You need parts of your life where you're not worrying about whether you're Doing It Right. And living without that anxiety of critique is, paradoxically, the only way you'll find the artistic courage to take risks and develop new skills. Everyone is a little bit rough around the edges to begin with. (Not saying you're a beginner — you merely said "publish," and I certainly wrote a lot of things before I started publishing! But every artist is always trying to develop new skills and techniques; in the grand scope of things, we're all beginners.) Giving someone blunt critique when they're in the beginning phases of their journey as an artist is about as helpful as screaming at your six-year-old kid because he can't swim the butterfly.

And the thing is, these people will bluster and say "well, I'm just being honest, I'm just trying to be helpful," but like: mmmmmmno, you're not! You're not. And it's disingenuous to say so. Because if you were actually trying to be helpful, you would introduce yourself, offer your skills as an editor/beta reader, and start building the relationship of trust that grounds any meaningful co-creative partnership. People do not just accept random critique that comes flying at them from the blue nowhere. And issuing it in that form is the best way to make them hostile, defensive, and unreceptive to it. Delivering harsh feedback without a context of care and support is almost sure to fail as a method of actually changing behavior, and either (1) you know that, and are doing it anyway — presumably because you want people to know how Terribly Clever and Better At Writing you are, or (2) you sincerely have never thought about the effect that context and word choice have on how other people receive your meaning.

Which tells me you are the last fucking person on the planet I want writing advice from.

[silusvesuius]

n*loth not being able to bag anyone over the (human term) age of 25-30 at most is the only logical and real conclusion to me because it can be just explained away as him wanting to prove and control everything and anyone (Cus he's a man!) but being stuck in that demographic because his unbearable and vile personality is a force that nobody can look past once they've outgrown the possible fear and idolization period of anyone but also n*loth in particular.

[vaguely-concerned]

lucanis truly has a near terminal case of burned out golden child syndrome. caterina fucked both of these kids over so incredibly bad with the dynamic she enforced there, with illario being labled the perpetual fuckup kid where lucanis 'could do no (would never be allowed to do) wrong'. the way he admits in the first coffee date scene that the only thing that happened when he showed he could carry the weight of expectation was that more weight was added makes me so sad. you can hear it in caterina's voice in his intro mission that she's incredibly proud of him, but this is clearly a leandra and hawke situation where that pride never translates into relief or resolution or unconditional warmth or understanding or anything that really helps.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Sorry I'm a bit late on this, but I just wanted to say congrats on finishing season 1 !! 🥳

LOSING MY MIND AT HOW PERFECT THIS IS!!!!!! THANK YOU PIO!!!!! B'*)

[volivolition]

wiggles my fingers at you ouuuu… you want to tell me about solace so bad…

HKJGG wiggles my fingers back lovingly!!! i really do, i fuckin LOVE solace :3 hey did you know i really like making fake skill descriptions?

SOLACE

Follow the north star. Find light in even the darkest places. Cool for: Optimists, Recovering lost souls, Sweet summer children

Solace is the skill you tucked away long ago, at the bottom of Pandora's box. The little one that tells you: despite it all, there is still hope. It needs a lot of nurturing -- and it's far from being the most helpful for police work -- but taking care of it is basically self-care. It enables you to find the glow in yourself that you often ascribe to gold lungs or brilliant halos in others. It encourages you to wake up and watch the sunrise, to play board games with someone you love, to forgive yourself and let yourself be a gentler kind of animal. Constantly looking forward to a brighter future, it also helps shield your morale from damage.

At high levels, Solace gives you a heightened sense of childlike optimism - which isn't always the sense to lead with in this precariously harsh world. Always looking for the bright side will blindside you with naivety. At low levels, however, you may just extinguish whatever keeps your soul alight. You've already lost her once. You may not survive the desolation if you let her disappear again.

[tea-and-secrets]

would it be ok to ask that this one is posted soon? i could use reassurance about it if thats alright? things are just... really hard.

im trying to come to terms with the fact that im going to be disabled for the rest of my life. i accept that im disabled *now,* but i have a degenerative disease, its not going to just stop being there. its going to keep getting worse slowly over time.

its especially hard because... even now i cant do my favorite hobby, rockhounding, because i cant bend without risking falling, i cant get on the ground to pick things up and/or dig because i wouldnt be able to get up on my own, and i cant navigate most off-road areas where the rocks im interested in are most often found.

i also desperately want to be a geologist. but i wanted more than anything to be doing fieldwork, like going out and taking samples from various areas, making maps of what could be found where based on my samples... that sort of thing. but ill never be able to do it and i have to come to terms with that.

it will get bad enough that i will need a wheelchair at some point in my life too. like, at some point within the next five to ten years.

ill also never be able to pick people up again. my whole life ive prided myself in picking people i love up during hugs, spinning them around, that sort of thing. i especially loved picking up my best friend.

they understand that i cant do that anymore and theyve never expressed sadness over it, but i cant help but think about how delighted theyve always been about me picking them up and spinning or wiggling them during hugs, and how they used to ask multiple times each hangout to be picked up and hugged.

and even if they arent upset about it, *i* am. i want to be able to do what i used to be able to. but i cant. and i never will again.

its just hard, knowing ill never be able to reach my dream career, continue my favorite outdoor hobby, continue giving love to my friends in the ways i like to... theres so much i can no longer do, and so much ill never be able to do again.

its just really hard. i dont want to be this way. but i am and i always will be, and it will get worse even if i do things like meds and physical therapy. those would just delay the collapse of my disease.

im just sad. i dont want to have to come to terms with it. but i have to or else im setting myself up for even more grief.

and its all because my mom wouldnt get me treated when i was injured in my teenage years. that injury going untreated for so long is what caused my degenerative disease to start so early. my mom has it too but she didnt start developing it until her fourties.

and then for years after my injury when talking about my back pain she just kept saying it was because im fat and that it would stop hurting if i lost weight.

which of course sparked the eating disorder i had previously recovered from.

which ive been struggling with now again for years because of that. but i was getting better again.

until now. because my body hurts too bad to get out of bed often enough to eat a healthy amount so im rapidly losing weight and my brain is saying i have to keep going and going.

and, the wheelchair thing... all my friends live and are going to live places with a lot of stairs. and *i* live somewhere with a lot of stairs too. and the doorframes in all these places arent wide enough for a wheelchair, nor are the bathrooms large enough.

its just all so hard to think about. i hate it. i want to get better and heal like a normal person would, not be in pain constantly and get worse like my body is going to.

thank you for listening. sorry for how long this is.

if i could get reassurance in tags or replies that would be really nice. this is all just so hard and i only have a few people i can confide in about it.

<3

[katierosefun]

hm maybe i’m going to get flack for this, but i genuinely don’t understand how some self-claimed fic lovers can be the same people who a) pressure and harass writers into producing more and more stories, regardless of their current health or personal lives, b) pressure writers when they aren’t updating fast enough, again, regardless of their current health or personal lives, and c) now, apparently, feed their supposedly beloved writers’ stories into ai bots. it’s becoming incredibly disheartening and clear that some folks don’t care so much about writers and really care exclusively about feeding whatever greedy need they have to just consume.