#you know that post that's like 'my mutuals would be able to diagnose me based on my blorbos'? yea something about finding the themes i enjo

[fanfictiongreenirises]

What are some themes in Jiang Cheng fan works that you especially enjoy?

I’m super sorry for how long it’s taken me to reply to you but you caught me during Eid week which was insanely chaotic 🤣 this got kinda long so i'm popping it under the cut :D

Violent and self sacrificial love: you cannot have JC without his all encompassing love, and it’s one of the things that makes him such an interesting character. There are few things that make JC act irrationally, and his loved ones are a very major one!! It’s such a fun thing to play with - I love characters that love with their whole self and stories that focus on the consequences of that!!!

Responsibility, duty, tradition: okay this is like many different things rolled into one rather niche dot point so bear with me. I LOVE that JC is a character who takes his responsibilities seriously!! He is dutiful and he does his best to put the sect before all else, and you have no idea how hard it is to find that in fantasy that I’m used to (Western YA and NA fantasy lmao). I really love fics that have that theme of sacrificing for duty and eventually reaping the benefits of that (the sect being so loyal to JC in return, the sect flourishing, the love that JL has for JC), but also fics that look at JC upholding YMJ traditions when he’s one of the few who remember them, or having to adjust traditions/make new ones because of that reason. And as I’m typing this out I’m realising there’s… probably a reason… for me enjoying seeing cultural traditions needing to be adjusted because you don’t have much family or the same resources around and things are very different from how your parents would’ve celebrated those same traditions, and needing to make those who are around your family now… Anyway, it’s just insanely cathartic to see certain cultural values and themes across so many fanworks. I've thought about this particular element to the point where I realised the other month that there’s a whole world outside of Western fantasy novels that likely do have these themes that are so fucking hard to find in Western novels, so I’m trying out other Chinese novels, i dipped into Japanese books, and I got my cousin to recommend me Bangla fantasy novels because I realised I’ve never considered how fantasy themes would be in my own culture 😔✊ (it's funny timing bc my dad arrived literally a couple hrs ago with the books, and my reading ability is decent for someone who's never needed to read Bangla but I'm gonna have to sit down with either google translate or a dictionary bc I'm so used to my parents translating harder words or getting us to read books for younger kids,, i'm like which words here are made-up fantasy words and which are real 💀😭)

Grief: grief has quite literally shaped this guy, and it’s so cool to see different fics have different takes on how it’s affected him as a person. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a fandom where grief has been such a huge theme and it’s very fun to see the fandom leaning into it. (I also need to given honorary shoutouts to disillusionment, guilt, loneliness, and repression!! I think a lot of these are especially interesting in combo with how much JC values responsibility and duty, and fics that study them are so chefs kiss.)

Turning Into His Mother: I’m so obsessed with this theme. I think it’s mostly because YZY is so mum coded for me and there are aspects of my own mother that I see in her so strongly that any time fic gives her and JC’s relationship the depth it deserves, I’m standing there chomping on wood. I especially love it when JC’s journey has elements of “I can’t be like my mother bc everyone says that’s bad” -> “I should act like my father, because he’s the only example I have of a sect leader” -> “am I difficult to love like my mother was?” -> “the best way to protect those I love is through the things my mother taught me” -> “the only parent whose love I genuinely felt was my mother’s so when I’m displaying love to a child, I should use the most successful method I know” -> “I am like my mother; maybe that’s a good thing”. It’s rare that I get to sink my teeth into a character who had such a complex relationship with his mother, so any fics with this theme automatically make me go insane. (Something here as well about JC written in fics as a woman scorned, JC with ruined woman vibes who’d been promised by WWX that he’d always be by his side and now isn’t and without any good reason that JC is aware of, something about fics that project feminine rage onto him in a way that feels freeing and safe because he’s a male character so it’s like you can almost examine it without having to examine sexism and gender roles…)

Aroace and queer themes: aro!JC!! ace!JC!! Never before have I been into a character I can project onto so fully, but also see other people projecting onto?? This fandom has so many gorgeous aroace!JC fanworks, and we get so much variety from ppls experiences!! there’s something extremely fulfilling about fics with a main character who doesn’t feel conventional romantic/sexual love, and is still very successful and has a full life with loved ones and is satisfied with life. There's also this tiny niche of fics involving JC in queerplatonic relationships, and any time I read those I would literally have to lie there for an hour contemplating my life. I think the other fun thing about this is that there's a pretty big chunk of the fandom that characterises JC as the kind of acesexual who thinks all his allo friends are absolute weirdos for how they're behaving, and it's such a funny and refreshing (and extremely relatable) take.

Whump: last but definitely not least, JC being whumped within an inch of his life 😌 I love this fandom deciding that the most efficient way to get JC to show emotions is to shove some knives in him and get him all bloodied up. The one gore/torture fic that genuinely icked me out to the point where I had to stop reading for a moment was a delightful post canon JC fic that I revisit every few months because it just scratches that whump itch so well 👏

I’m sure the moment I post this I’ll be hit by like fifty other things I forgot to put in here, but for now I’m blanking. thank youu for giving me an excuse to think about JC 🫶🫶🫶

[panzershrike-pretz]

THIS! This tag game seems so fun! Made by the amazing @ronald-speirs!

Favorite place in the world you’ve visited?

That would be either the alps in Germany or the Salinas beach, here in Brazil! I adored both the snow and thes amount of stuff i find at the beach there

Something you’re proud of yourself for?

The amount of progress I made since being diagnosed with autism, depression and anxiety. Even if I stopped going to therapy, I feel like the diagnosis (esspecially the autism one) shed so much light on my life, and I was able to makes the world around me (even if just at home) more confortable for myself by understanding myself more and adjusting the way I do things so it's easier on me.

Favorite books?

Hmmmmm let's see- the Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children series, obviously, but I also LOVE The Book Thief, American Gods and definetely Warrior Cats (I only read the first arc, so Idk how good's the rest xD)

Something that makes your heart happy when thinking about it?

My dog and my characters! Love them :]

Favorite thing about your culture?

Hmmmmmm probably food? But I'm extremely picky so I don't even eat most of our stuff 💀 i do love feijoada, brigadeiro, pastel and coxinha tho- Idk about the rest KAKAKAKA other than that, the slangs. So cool. Love it

When did you join the HBO War fandom? What was the first show you watched?

Back at the end of 2022 or early 2023 was when I first heard about it, but as for officially joining...? Probably like. 5 or 6 months ago? I have no idea what time even is-

The first show was Band of Brothers :D

Have you read any of Easy Company’s books? If so, which ones were your favorite?

Nope. And won't.

Favorite HBO War character and your favorite moment with them?

Webster. Him shoving himself on the ground was the best. Just like me fr💕

Do you make content for any fandoms, if so; what sort of content?

Uhhhhh I make memes and occasionally fanart? I wouldn't classify this as content but when I'm really into something I take some aspects of it for my own world, so I can always keep it close to me, even if the hyperfixation faded a bit with time

Favorite actor/actress and your favorite film of theirs?

I know no one- but I do like Bud Spencer and Terence Hill's movies. They are the only actors I know the name of 💀 I like the funny coeboy movies, many good memories watching them with dad when I was a kid (and still doing so, every now and then)

Favorite quote/s that you wish to share with others?

"I'll beat you with a dead cat 'till it starts mewing" - a popular brazilian saying (the best ever)

Random fact your mutuals/followers don’t know about you?

HmmmmmmmmI share so much about myself that I don't even know 💀 probably that I once fell facefirst on a river when I was 4, while I was fishing? That was A Day

If you’re a writer, do you need a beta reader (say yes so I can be your beta reader 🤭)?

I don't write much but!! I did write something yesterday about my characters and idk if I should post, but if you're interested, I can show you :D

Three things that make you smile?

My dog, my characters, birds

Any nicknames you like?

Based off my real name I like "Rah", but only when used irl. As for the internet, I love Pretz! And I have a special one my best friend @isazmoon gave me, which is Pretzu, but this ones I feel like it's only hers :3

List some people you love to see around on tumblr!

@1waveshortofashipwreck @xxluckystrike @ronald-speirs @ronsparky @minha-xuh @whollyjoly @sweetxvanixlla!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!! AMAZING PEOPLE!!

What would you do during a zombie apocalypse?

What would I live for, my stupid ass can't even run 😭 i'd die fast as fuck. And I know all my friendswould die too so we all just perish together 💕💕💕 friendship goals

Favorite movie?

How To Train Your Dragon? Wolfwalkers? Saving Private Ryan? Pirates of the Caribbean? Can't probably choose only one, it's torture

Do you like horror movies?

Ehh, not much? I prefer animations

Tags (no pressure): @xxluckystrike @whollyjoly @ronsparky @sweetxvanixlla @grumpy-liebgott @1waveshortofashipwreck @blueberry-ovaries @minha-xuh (hey Gih, if you want you can take off the HBOwar bits and/or replace them with MPHFPC, since you're from another fandom, feel free!)

[paintedcomputer]

welcome to my page!! this is my main blog, meaning I will be way more active here compared to my sideblogs

Toyhouse - Artfight - Strawpage - Carrd

———————————

-> please do not repost my artwork, as in taking my art and reuploading on an entirely new post. unless you are one of my friends and you asked for permission, I am not comfortable with this

-> however, any of my art that isn’t personal [such as art of my sona, any of my ocs or anything I don’t want used] is allowed to use as a pfp or a banner. I do ask that you ask permission [off anon if in the asks] before doing anything [unless it was specifically made for you]

———————————

-> my name is Kaizen, but I am fine being called Nines. please do not use nicknames on me unless permission is given [or you’re considered close to me] -> I use He/Him pronouns, please don’t use they/them on me -> I am diagnosed with ADHD, please be patient with me! I can often be confused -> I am 17yrs old, my birthday is February 5th

-> taken by @eeveekitti and @coyotescove

-> I am a French Canadian artist! I started drawing digitally back in 2016 but have always been drawing traditionally. I got my first drawing tablet during the pandemic and I absolutely love drawing. my main inspiration is my older sister who is known as Siigyn on instagram, she has always been the reason I love to draw and I hope to be as good as her someday

-> English isn’t my first language, I will often struggle speaking it [vcs] or sometimes typing in it which shows whenever what I say makes no sense. I try my best

———————————

two of my friends are:

@starsofthestorm and @bright--paws + any of my mutuals! if you consider me a friend then I likely see you as one too

[if you want to be added here, just let me know]

———————————

some of my interests:

-> Detroit: Become Human, Pressure, Phighting, Demon Slayer, FNAF, Undertale/Deltarune, Half Life, Entropy Zero, ULTRAKILL, Rain World, Hades, OFF and Star Trek

———————————

-> you can have my discord if you’re one of my mutuals. just ask me in dms and I’ll send it over

-> I like to do Oc x Canon often, so a lot of my toyhouse characters may have it present. while I don’t do it a lot but I would likely reblog other peoples content of it [whether it be art or not]

-> I am completely Multifandom, I have a bunch of different interests which will be present in my blog. please do not follow me for only one fandom

-> I can’t look at my Followings tab nor specifically look at your profile unless I know your account by memory. I would prefer to be sent posts so that I would be able to see it. I follow way too many people

———————————

tags

#kaizen’s art -> artwork

#Frosted Stars -> wc oc story

———————————

my main sona

he’s specifically a black panther but just a black cat is also fine. his accessories [face] and horns are based off Subspace from Phighting

———————————

sideblogs

@gabrielsadventures -> alternate main, just another sideblog I use sometimes. I reblog there whenever I feel like I reblogged too much on here

@council--board + @ultrastim -> two stimblogs that I run on my own. council is a more general stimblog while ultrastim is specifically ultrakill and pressure

@paintedpaws-stims -> stimblog that I run with one of my friends

@funtimescircus -> inactive sideblog for a story I want to create

@frostedstarscomic -> warrior cats story

@ultrakill-in-places + @artificer-doesnt-belong-here + @pebble-plush-in-places -> blogs where I put characters in places they don’t belong to. currently inactive

@heavens--kin -> kin blog that I occasionally post on, I mainly reblog my own boards or anything I request that’s related to my kins

@askstreetcleaner -> inactive askblog that I ran

@the-eyefestation + @ask-solace -> askblogs I run with one of my friends

[tie--up--loose--ends]

And before I go, I need to clear some things up.

( the shorter version)

I spent my whole 2022 year of fighting the consequences of my involvement with the writing part of the fandom.

Then because of some entitled to my work popular writer, and a POLITE ask I sent to them not to use my DELETED content (gifs), some additional drama took place, and some unpleasant stuff happened.

Anyways.

I was having a blog under the name agentalpha. I can't use that name anymore, because it reminds me of that fiasco and all my old stuff is marked with it so....

I decided to speak because:

I developed depression and PTSD as a side effect....and needed counselling to get better.

I was never diagnosed with depression before that so that the side effect as they told me.

And I think that people need to be more mindful towards the others, because you never know who is behind the screen. Being kind to all, not only your friends.

I wished people to be able to understand, that common courtesy rules and mutual respect exists for a reason.

-----

And before I go, I need to clear some things up.

Because I always adhere to common courtesy rules and Online Netiquette, and I find it very...unpleasant, when others do not. And then not even consider it.

HERE SOME THINGS, I WANT MAKE VERY CLEAR ABOUT ME, after NO ONE had the common courtesy to behave like an adult, and .... ask what's what.

1. I DON'T do HATE / OFFENSE

AND I WILL TELL YOU WHY I DON'T .

I write fiction since 2007. I HAVE DEALT WITH HATERS.

I WON'T DO THAT TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

I'm also too old for petty dramas, and doing childish stuff like that.

THE ASK And here, that's a screen of the ask I sent.

The one that lead to everything else.

See anything offensive?

NO. Because there is NOTHING OFFENSIVE.

* There was NO OFFENSE in none of my other posts either.

And that's because I do NOT DO OFFENSE/HATE.

Simple as that.

I prefer common courtesy. Thank you.

2. I NEVER interact with fiction that is not to my taste. In no way.

I keep to myself and I only interact with fics I like.

That's about it.

Here some more:

PERSONAL BOUNDARIES STATED POLITELY AREN'T OFFENSE

I COULD SLIP INTO ANXIETY ATTACK If I interact with certain contents. And I definitely love my ability to be able to breath.

I could read almost everything except things that contain some forms of abusive behaviour (including consent stuff).

I DON'T HAVE PROBLEMS WITH PEOPLE'S PERSONAL LIKES - kinks, and personal preferences included.

No matter how exotic they might be.

I have my own likes, that might not be to someone else's taste.

And I'm NO double faced a$$. Would you kindly not make me one.

What people like is none of my business.

It's not my business what they write on their blogs either.

Unless they think that they are better than everyone else, and have more rights than the others.

--

So would you kindly, before listening to gossips or whatever about someone else, FIRST go CHECK FOR YOURSELF WHAT IT IS, ASK THE PERSON YOURSELF WHAT'S GOING ON AND MAKE CONCLUSION BASED ON THEIR ANSWER.

That's the right thing to do.

And NOT DUMPING AND ABANDONING PEOPLE THAT SUPPORT YOU, AND LIKE YOU AND YOUR CONTENT, BASED ON MISUNDERSTANDING, INCOMPLETE DATA AND ( MAY BE) BAD MOUTHING BY ANOTHER.

( Tip: The popularity of one person, should not be your correct criteria to take action against someone else who is not.)

------

And before you read any of the posts here, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING MORE ABOUT ME.

Things I don't mention, usually, but now I need to, because no one cares about common courtesy, mutual respect and other's people limitations:

I have social anxiety and rejection sensitive dysphoria ( google it)

I get sensory overload by too much online interactions especially in online groups

I have hard time reaching to others even for friendships - online and otherwise

And after all that, and no one willing to ask or care....well you can guess for yourself

----

That's me being done. After I say what I have to I will be on my way.

I won't make other posts but I need to close accounts and tie up loose ends.

Those are NOT HATE posts.

Excuse the cynical sub-tones.

#fandoms#common courtesy IS A THING#people are different but mutual respect goes a long way#toxic behaviours#personal story of why I left a fandom#I'm not trying that again#pedro pascals fandom#pedro pascal fans#There are good people there too thank you for the few kind words#pedro pascal#fanfiction… 

[starryeyedrogue]

mental health & vent

again, a long one. please stick with me here.

tw: depression, anxiety, ptsd, epilepsy diagnosis, suicidal thoughts mention

hey everyone, like I said in my last post, I won’t be as active on here. this doesn’t mean I’m quitting by any means, I’m here for the long haul! I just need a break for a little bit. 

side note: I am not in any way suicidal or practicing self harm. this is just to vent and act as a PSA for my mutuals/followers.

now onto my main message. 

I’ve seen lots of posts about mental health lately, and I’m so incredibly proud of those who have spoken up. They’ve inspired me to make my own post, actually. normally I’d keep it to myself, but this time has been rough and I want to get it off my chest. I’ll probably delete this later, but still. 

I’ve been depressed. 

long story short, I had a very traumatic experience a couple years ago with an ex boyfriend (not going into it on this post, for details just dm me. not something I’d want to post publicly, this is just an explanation) and I was deeply depressed. I was never diagnosed “officially” because I was afraid to speak up, as this would expose what I was going through. I had really bad anxiety at that time too, and I still do. I also have PTSD flashbacks from it now and again. none of this was diagnosed, and I still don’t want to bring it up to my doctors/family. my irl friends don’t even know, at least not most of it. 

I have monoclonic epilepsy, which means my seizures are fairly small. my arms, legs, feet, hands, and fingers twitch, and I lose control for a few seconds. it doesn’t hurt, and sometimes I don’t even notice or remember it happening, but my family does. epilepsy in general runs in my family, and it can be triggered by a great deal of stress, lack of sleep, and of course flashing lights. in my case, I never “had” epilepsy or seizures until the “experience” I mentioned before, as it caused massive amounts of stress for about 2 years straight. it’s gotten better, as I now have medicine and am out of that situation, and I haven’t had a seizure since September, which is amazing and a huge blessing.

writing has helped with my depression and anxiety a lot, as I can write out what effects me the most. honestly, some of the characters are based off of myself (before vs after) and the person from the “experience.” this is just for therapeutic reasons, as I don’t really want to go to real therapy (I’d be too embarrassed to ask for it or talk to someone anyway, though I probably need to go eventually and plan to when I’m on my own). 

however, when I stopped posting it, I started feeling bad again. I didn’t think I needed to post my stories to feel better or to make a childhood dream into reality, but not posting it made me feel somehow worse. I’ve stopped writing as much, and I’ve lost motivation to do just about anything. I’m working on a couple things to help myself get out of this “funk,” but any tips would be greatly appreciated! 

this may seems stupid, but I’ve been depressed and very anxious about my schooling. I started in cyber security and got about halfway through, but I became depressed and had other issues so I didn’t finish the degree. now I’m starting in psychology, after praying for months and months for help with figuring out what to do for school. I finally got an answer, and that answer was to be a Christian counselor! I want to help as many people as I can, especially since I know how it feels to be anxious, depressed, and have PTSD. 

I’m dealing with a lot of changes right now, as I’m selling my first car, might have to move out of my first house/childhood home, and just a bunch of other stuff. this sounds trivial, but I hate change. it seriously stresses me out. my neurologist told me that if I have any more seizures, I won’t be able to drive for 6 months to a year to be safe (as I could have an “episode” as I call it while driving and hurt myself/others in a potential car accident). trust me, trying not to be stressed while being stressed, anxious, and depressed is not easy. 

on top of all that, my irl friends have all but abandoned me. I never hear from them (all but one, she’s the best!), and when I do they ignore me or pretend to listen when they obviously aren’t. I try to make plans with them, but they ignore me or just say “definitely!” but never try to set up times to hang out. It’s been almost two years since I’ve seen them all together. I was able to hang out with the friend I mentioned earlier to go to another friend’s recital, but that was it, and that was months ago. I totally get being busy, but I miss them and I don’t think they miss me, which really hurts. one friend ditched us on graduation day and we haven’t talked to her outside of “happy birthday,” or “@___ look at this thing I know you like,” which she never responded to. graduation was 4 years ago. I miss them all, even if they aren’t really my friends. I miss familiarity and their chaotic personalities. I’ve known them my entire life. honestly, I haven’t made any other friends irl, even though I’ve tried (I’m very introverted and a lot of people don’t get my humor/personality. I’m very much a mischievous old lady that uses weird wording (li.e. using uncommon words for my generation mixed with modern stuff, basically I sound like a vampire that’s been around since the 50s and mixes the eras together in some unholy mixture) at heart and I have very niche interests that I cling to like they’re my last hope). basically, making friends and meeting new people is hard for me for various reasons.

tumblr is different though, which I’m seriously grateful for! the people I’ve talked to are all so nice and really fun to talk to, and they’re part of why I’m posting this. @elvish-sky gave me the courage to post this and @hey-its-nonny and @padawansofthejediorder have been amazing and super nice to me, and I couldn’t be more grateful. the reason I’m posting this is to let them know what’s going on if I don’t respond to messages for a while, and to let them know what wonderful people they are and how much it means to me that they care about me, even if we’re just tumblr mutuals. I love you guys, thanks for being here! it means more than you know.

my mom and dad both had health scares recently, which made me spiral even more. I honestly don’t know what I would do if one of them died. they’re literally my world and my best friends, as ridiculous as that sounds. my mental health was so low I honestly thought I’d die too. they’re both fine now, which is truly a blessing and a massive relief. when I say I thought I’d die too, I don’t mean I wanted to commit suicide, but I honestly can’t imagine a world without my parents, especially my mom (hers was the main health scare, it was a case of reaction to a new medication for her migraines). we’re insanely close and she’s my best friend, as cheesy as that sounds. I don’t know what I would do without her. it’s making me teary just thinking about it. 

long story short, please be patient with me. I’m dealing with a lot right now, and I need some time to take a deep breath and focus on my mental health. if you have any suggestions/tips for dealing with depression, anxiety, and PTSD flashbacks, please let me know! 

for those I’ve tagged, you don’t have to reply or even read this whole thing if you want, I tagged you because I thought you’d like to know about this and/or I wanted to show my appreciation for your kindness!

I love you all, thanks for sticking around and listening to my rants. <3

[clatterbane]

Oh yes, that last reblog and the "it stops here" tag I added reminds me. I looked around that DWED (Diabetics With Eating Disorders) group's website, and was really wondering if it might not be a good idea for me to also check out their support forums.

The whole organization is indeed apparently for any T1 diabetics also dealing with EDs--and there are way too many of us out there! 😩 And not only specifically for "diabulimics" who have used the tactic of avoiding/underdosing insulin to piss out more energy.

As I have noticed before, reading about "diabulimia"? We're all dealing with some similar themes, and challenges which just go along with diabetes--and which can make coping/recovery both different and more difficult in some ways, compared to EDs without the diabetes further complicating matters.

Ongoing triggers are pretty much impossible to avoid in your daily life, if you are dealing with diabetes.

The stakes are also higher in some ways, because whether or not a person is directly playing with fire by deliberately monkeying around with their blood sugar levels? This shit can kill you SO much easier and faster if you are diabetic. Besides leading to lasting complications which can play hell with your quality of life/life expectancy both.

(I might also argue that some of these factors can also apply regardless of officially diagnosed type, besides for undiagnosed/misdiagnosed T1s. But, yeah.)

Anyway, I am well aware of how dangerous this combo can be for me personally, especially after coming within a hair of dying from that DKA/sepsis clusterfuck over the summer. And I have been somehow managing to hold onto whatever recovery I stubborned my own way into, so far. In the face of continuing increased, directly triggering stressful circumstances on top of all the "usual" ongoing T1D triggers.

But yeah, it's hard. And I really don't know how sustainable the situation is, as things have been going.

It seems like maybe talking to people who do have reason to understand some of this particular set of pressures might be a helpful thing. (And hopefully in a mutual sort of way.) Besides people who are also based in the UK, and have more experience/knowledge of how some systems really work.

But, DWED has switched their support forums over to Facebook. 😑 And I don't really use it. The account I do have to possibly use for that, is also where I have been avoiding some family members (for complicated reasons I'm not going into right now).

I mean, I don't guess they would have to know that I am actively using the account for some private groups, while not interacting with them. As long as I don't post anything they are able to see. But, I know that I would feel bad every time I logged in.

Still considering it, though.

[chasingshhadows]

so I haven’t used this blog regularly for like, personal updates in many years, but I’m feeling energized atm.

So as some of you might have seen, I’ve been fostering kittens throughout the pandemic because I’m working from home indefinitely (bless having an international and science-based employer). They are fucking adorable and a lot of work but so worth it. I was having a super shitty day Wednesday and I just went and sat on the floor of my living room with them for like an hour. They’re 6 weeks old right now and an absolute joy 🥰 (If you wanna see pics/videos, I post all my kitty-related stuff to @chasingkittehs on Insta).

I’m still working and have been lucky enough to not only stay employed during this time, but elevate myself at work. I recently discovered that my division plans to promote me by the end of the year without my having asked for it, which is so fucking validating. I love this job and my team and the work we do - I work at a large international environmental and conservation nonprofit. It builds on my skills and knowledge from my previous work at fundraising vendors so I actually contribute to strategy and our team direction. 

I met a great guy. Idk what compelled me to try dating during a global pandemic, but I’m glad I did bc this guy is pretty fucking great and is nerdy and progressive and his friends are all super cool. We have a great time and he’s been really supportive through everything going on. And he’s on Tumblr, bc all the best people are here 😉 @slytherinlord223 (feel free to judge the url, I did 😜 tho it should be stated he’s had the account and url since he was 16 and what cishet white guy didn’t think himself a lord at 16?)

After a very long process and a lot of stress, I was able to get assessed and diagnosed with ADHD. Tbh, I have Tumblr and @redbirdblogs and @irolltwenties to thank for opening my eyes to the possibility. I’ve been seeing adhd-experience posts for years and always have this moment of “wow that’s me - oh wait, that’s for adhd, nevermind”. And over the last year I started reading those posts through new eyes and started seeing myself in them. The report was 15 pages of very thorough testing and qualitative analysis and I’m still processing it all, but it’s just... so fucking validating. I’ve spent years wondering why I can’t just do things and why my spaces are always a mess because I was taught that women are housekeepers and why I can never finish anything or just fucking focus and I’d been convinced I was just stupid and lazy and dysfunctional and gahhh this just. It’s not my fault. I was working at a deficit I didn’t know existed for 28 years and now that I actually understand how my brain works, I can start to adapt and work with my brain instead of against it. And now I can go back to my psychiatrist with verified clinical results to get the treatment I need. So. *deep breath* I feel really good right now. 

I haven’t been as engaged/active in fandom the last several months due to the fostering and my guy and just the overall stress of the pandemic leaving me pretty unmotivated to do anything but sit and watch TV. But I’ve been obsessing over Hamilton and The Old Guard of late, I’m still utterly in love with RNM and Teen Wolf, and now I’ve been diving into the world of Critical Role (it’s nice to finally get all the references here haha). I’m absorbing a lot of content across the board and would always love to talk about anything, just haven’t been spending as much time on my laptop for fic writing and giffing. I’ll be back tho - I always am 😘💜

So anyway. I love you all. I miss my mutuals and I hope everyone is doing well and thriving and can’t wait to catch up on everyone’s creations and flails. And I adore every name that pops up in my activity feed and seeing some of my old posts pop up lately has been really sweet 😊

[violentviolette]

So I was on your fandom blog and I saw that you believe Bakugou (at least in assuming) to have ASPD. Is wondering if you could expand on that? I personally see him as NPD but I'd love to hear your side of things

first off anon bless u for being on my fandom blog that takes courage cause it’s a wicked hot mess over there lol and secondly to everyone else yes im about to spend an embarrassing amount of effort overanalyzing an anime man, no u shouldn’t apply this logic to diagnosing real people u don’t know or urself, no its not that deep but yes u can fuck right off if u wanna cry about me headcanoning ur favs with “shitty” illnesses. eat my dick.

But now down to the good shit! So I actually think bakugou has comorbid aspd/npd. But for this since u said u already see him as having npd I’ll just focus on the aspd criteria but im totally down to talk more about npd as well if u wanna. (the rest is under a cut because frankly mobile users would have drawn and quartered me otherwise)

So first im gonna go thru the dsm v criteria that are required for diagnosis that bakugou fits/exhibits (leaving out the few things that don’t pertain to him just for length and also because not every person has to fit every single criteria to qualify)

1. Significant impairments in personality as manifested by

a. identity (self esteem derived from power, pleasure, or personal gain), self direction (goal setting based on personal gratification, absence of prosocial standards and culturally normal ethical behavior)

katsukis entire sense of self is built upon his ability to “win” and to always be number one and come out on top. He absolutely cant stand to be viewed as less than that because if so, his entire sense of self begins to crumble. Part of the reason he’s so antagonistic towards Izuku in the early chapters is the fact that Izuku challenges that identity. He (unintentionally and intentionally) challenges katsuki and wont give way to him (which is the right thing to do, but we see how “well” katsuki handles that). He also doesn’t have a good sense of “prosocial standards.” katsuki has created his own internal sense of morals and values, he’s decided whats worth his time and effort based on his own opinions and not on what society deems worthwhile behavior. He’s constantly getting admonished that his attitude “isn’t that of a hero” because his values are different than the ones of the society around him. But he doesn’t care, as long as he “wins” then everythings good. And its not until he stops “winning” and his behavior begins to get in the way of his goals does he begin to realize that he has a problem.

b. impairments in interpersonal functioning as manifested by lack of empathy (lack of concern for feelings, needs, or suffering of others) and lack of intimacy (incapacity for mutually intimate relationships, use of dominance or intimidation to control others)

I could frankly write a whole essay about just this bit alone but I’ll try to condense my thoughts. So. Lets talk about katsukis lack of empathy. This boy wouldn’t know another person’s emotions if they walked up and punched him in the face. Which they do. On multiple occasions. But I digress. Katsuki is known for his shitty bedside manner, his lack of concern for the feelings of others is literally what cost him his provisional license, but aside from with Izuku (who we’ve established is a source of Baggage for katsuki and shouldn’t be counted among his normal behavior because at the start of the series they BOTH bring out the worst in one another and overcoming that is part of both of their character arcs and growth and a main theme of the damn story. Win and save. Save and win. Ahem. But again I digress) katsuki isn’t vindictive or cruel in an unnecessary way about other peoples emotions. He doesn’t use them against people, it just doesn’t occur to him that they exist. But as we see katsuki grow and begin to try and change his unhealthy behavior, we see that he’s not oblivious of others emotions in the same way todoroki is (who I headcanon as autistic along with izuku (who also has adhd), but that’s a whole nother post lol), he just doesn’t know what to do with them. He can handle things like kirishima feeling insecure, because he can logically talk to him about how strong he is to encourage and support him, but really struggles with more intimate and open forms of emotional support, like with Izuku.

He also struggles with forming prosocial bonds and friends. At the start of the series katsuki doesn’t have friends, he has lackeys he controls with intimidation and fear because he doesn’t know any other way to be. He has trust and intimacy issues and doesn’t like people getting too close to him because he feels displays of vulnerability are what makes someone weak (see those asocial morals and values we talked about earlier). After his time at UA, a few large helpings of some humble pie, and the diligent and hard work of a small group of fearless idiots (aka kaminari whose literally too prosocial for his own good and has zero self preservation instincts, and kirishima who has an endless supply of patience and understands empathy and other peoples emotions to a degree that’s baffling to me) he is able to start deconstructing that idea and realizing that u can be vulnerable and let people close to u and still be strong. That the mortifying ordeal of being known isn’t actually the worst things ever. Also that when confronted with people who aren’t actually afraid of him, he doesn’t know how else to deter them from getting close to him. The fact that none of the other kids in 1-A take katsukis shit and even go so far as to pick on him and mock him and call him out on his bullshit is a MAJOR turning point for his socialization skills.

2. pathological personality traits in the following catagories

a. antagonism, characterized by hostility (persistent and frequent angry feelings, anger or irritability in response to minor slights or insults, nasty mean vengeful behavior), callousness (lack of concern for the feelings and problems of others)

I mean. Do I even have to expand on this point? I feel like no

b. disinhibition, characterized by impulsivity (acting on the spur of the moment in response to immediate stimuli, acting without a plan or consideration for outcomes, difficulty establishing and following plans), risk taking (lack of concern for ones limitations and denial of the reality of personal danger, engaging in potentially risky and self-damaging activities without regard for consequences)

this is a criteria where u have to adjust for the world these characters are living in. but even then, by hero standards, katsuki is still impulsive. His teachers are constantly admonishing him in the early series for charging headfirst into a situation, loosing himself to his emotions and anger, and letting things get the better of him because hes not taking the time to properly assess the situation, this also bleeds into katsukis inability to work with others or ask for help. He charges headfirst into a situation by himself, blows up anything in his way, and then asks questions later. His teammates are often left totally in the dark to his plans, motives, or other moves and have to just play catch up to him the entire time. In the deku vs. kacchan 1 fight we see this behavior come out in full force. He has no plan, he blows up half the building with zero regard for their goals, and leaves iida completely in the dark. Momo pointing this all out and dragging him for filth during the recap is another wakeup moment for him, having to confront the realities of his impulsive and negative behavior whereas before he was only praised for it.

so if we take a look at even just that, which is still about ¾ of the diagnostic criteria, I think u can see where this really starts to explain his personality. Katsuki is hot headed, angry, impulsive, stubborn, selfish, he gets in his own way more often than not, he struggles with prosocial behavior, making friends, and relating emotionally to others. He has a hard time comforting people and usually does so in a blunt and logical way, he isn’t great at sympathy and being soft, kind, or gentle with other people. It takes a considerable amount of effort for him to realize where his world view and his morals and goals are warped and doing him more harm than good, and he absolutely cant stand to be vulnerable or honest about his feelings with others. 

All those things, imo, as someone with aspd & npd, are what make me feel like hes a good character representation of what the complexities of living with these disorders is like. Katsuki isn’t inherently a bad person, and as we see him grow and change, we see the ways in which hes becoming better, but its still hard for him. And despite what a lot of fandom thinks, if u look at the canon, the main person katsuki hurts with his behavior is himself. And I think that’s really important because people with aspd & npd are so often catagorized as abusive villians whose only goal in life is to hurt others. Whereas with katsuki we see where these things and this kind of thinking gets in the way of his goals and ultimately hurts him. and thats what I think makes him the most relatable and makes his growth all the much more satisfying. Katsuki is both fundamentally the same and an entirely different person from when we first meet him. his personality didn’t magically completely change, hes not just a tsundere whose suddenly all mushy feely and hyper empathetic, he’s just learning how to deal with his emotions and the world and getting better at being a healthy person.

So yea, those are my thoughts! There was apparently a whole 1600 words of them so my apologies for writing u a literal dissertation on this lol I just really love this fucking character

[eltanin-malfoy]

Get A Grip III - Epilogue

pairing : draco/fem-y/n 

word count : 3.3k

warning(s) : mentions of healing/PTSD/war/sex, lots of fluff.

requested : sort of??

a/n : i just wrote this in one sitting! lol. i hope this is satisfying?? i know a lot of my stuff ends on cliffhangers so I decided not to do that for this one. give me some feedback pls! love u! hopefully this doesn’t come off as rushed??

tag list : @kaibie​  @acciodracoo​  @drawlfoy​  @war-sword​  @socontagiousimagines​

Part I II

Y/N’s life as a healer was nothing short of tedious on paper. But she still loved it.

After having received specialised training for treating those impacted by war, trauma and violence post her basic healing certification, her schedule remained full, full, full, thanks to the Second Wizarding War, of course. Everyone and their mother was impacted and gravely so. Thanks to the Ministry’s work towards spreading awareness about the mental implications of war and trauma, everyone had been encouraged to seek support. 

Her ward at St. Mungo’s remained constantly occupied, with the people who were permanently disabled as a result of the violence of the war taking up beds and pretty much being forced to spend the rest of their lives there. It was heartbreaking, but she had to keep her head up high and help them move on. She’d been lucky enough to be able to cool down the impacts the war had had on her in time enough to complete her schooling and be able to work towards achieving the goal she had desired ever since her seventh year at Hogwarts.

Her clinic times were full as well, with her having to both counsel and treat afflicted patients. There were some familiar faces here and there, old friends and teachers and classmates from Hogwarts. And also, the others who’d been in the cellar along with her. Sure, a hospital wasn’t an ideal destination for her to meet others, but it was the only place she seemed to have time for. The little time she got off, she’d stay home, reading up and attempting to expand her knowledge of post traumatic stress disorder based on Muggle research. (Someone had to put in the effort for the rest of the Wizarding World, right?) Romance wasn’t something she put effort into anymore. Sure, she’d had a few affairs, but.. she wasn’t actively looking for something, not when she was so busy. 

But sometimes, the best things come when you least expect them to. 

Y/N was sitting at her desk, writing off yet another prescription of Potion for Dreamless Sleep (something that was so greatly helpful to those suffering with mental illness, you’d never have thought!) for a previous patient. She soon finished writing notes about the frequence of the dosage they were permitted and charmed the parchment to go to the patient’s hand. 

She checked her list and almost froze as she read the name of her next patient. 

Malfoy, Draco. 

Age : 27. (D.O.B. : 5th June, 1980.)

Blood Status : Pureblood. 

Nationality : British.

Ailments : 

Diagnosed with PTSD at 18. Now mostly recovered. 

Suffered severe physical damage and faced Cruciatus curse at a young age, has some sensitivity to loud noises, flashing lights, etc.

Suffered dark magic curse at 16, left with minor scarring on abdomen. No other permanent effects.

Hereditary concerns : skin hypersensitivity, family history of osteoporosis.

Prescriptions : 

Potion for Dreamless Sleep. (Taking regularly for 10 years.)

There was a name she hadn’t seen in years. She’d thought about him, sure. But they hadn’t stayed in contact at all. She usually learned the most about him through the Daily Prophet, where she’d recently learnt he’d been seen talking to a woman at a party. Huh. There really wasn’t much to report about anymore, it seemed. Maybe that was something to be grateful about?

Most of what was on his sheet was expected, when she’d last seen him, at Hogwarts, during their 8th year, which most of the others in their year had chosen to forego, she remembered he was still taking the potion. The only oddity was his continued prescription.. most patients would basically be ‘weaned’ off of it by their fourth or fifth year of treatment.. why had Draco been taking it for twice that long?

Either way, she kept staring at her door a bit nervously, awaiting his entry. There was a soft knock at the door and she bit down on her lip. “Come in.” And then.. He.. walked in. 

She offered him a smile and ushered him over to the chair in front of her desk.

 “Hello, Draco.” 

He was wearing dark robes, his height still prominent as he stepped into the room. His hair seemed to be a bit longer than she remembered it, a few pale strands covering his forehead but still styled meticulously. He seemed obviously more mature, and a bit less skinny than the boy she remembered. There were slight wrinkles on his face, under his eyes, which could again be traced back to the stresses of war, most likely.  

“Good afternoon, Y/N.” He looked at her with an eyebrow raised. “I.. I recognised your name but I didn’t know whether it was really you. I should’ve brou-” For some reason, she forced out a slight giggle. “That’s no-no problem at all, really. I was a bit surprised when I saw your name too.”

“I usually have my check ups with uh.. Healer Bole? I thought it was him again, but the name on the door confused me.” “He’s taken some time off these past few days. That’s why they must have assigned you to me instead.” “I suppose…”

Y/N looked straight into his eyes as an awkward silence rose into the room. His grey pupils stared right back at hers, blinking very slowly. What were you supposed to talk about with someone you’d been close to ten years prior? 

Oh, right, she was supposed to be healing him. Thank god there was no need for any actual small talk between them. 

“So, what brings you here today? If you need counselling or anything, I probably shouldn’t do it since we know each other personally an-” “Oh, oh, no. I just needed to refill my prescription.” “For Potion of Dreamless Sleep?” “Yes.” “Right.. Before I do that, could I ask you about it..?” “Um, sure?”

“Well.. I wanted to know.. how come you’ve been taking it for so long? I don’t know if you know, but patients are only recommended to take it regularly for a maximum of five years.”

“I.. I need it. I can’t sleep without it. The nightmares are still awful.” “But you’ve been.. taking it regularly ever since th-”

“I have.” “So.. how do you know the nightmares are just as bad?” “Well.. um.. I’ve tried sleeping without it, it didn’t work out well for me.” “For a night?” “Yes.” “Well, I’d like for you to try it again, for a few nights. We can send in a nurse for you, if you want.”

He looked at her with a slightly pained, irritated expression.

“Must I..? Bole would give me the prescriptions just fine.” She hesitated for a second, then thought through what he’d just said. “Bole was.. making a mistake, I think. Did he know you’d been taking it for that long?” “I’ve been seeing him all along.” “You’re kidding!” “I’m not..”

Wow, had she just discovered her colleague had been engaging in medical malpractice? Taking the easy way out of a complicated situation? Surely, there had to be more to this, right?

“Did he never ask you to try..?” “He did, but after I told him it didn’t go well the first time he seemed fine with just continuing to prescribe it to me.” “I see..” Hmm. Bole had definitely not done the right thing. It sounded terribly lazy. He was risking Draco developing an addiction just so that he wouldn’t have to put in actual effort to heal him. When dealing with a case as such, patients were often kept in the ward for observation, but obviously Bole hadn’t even brought up the possibility of the same to Draco. A complaint was going to have to be filed, it seemed.

“I hate to inform you of this, but I feel Bole might have done the wrong thing in this case.”

“Oh..?” “Yes, I will again insist you try to forego potion for a few nights. There are major potential implications of using it for as long as you have, and we can avoid any actual damage if we can have you give it up soon.”

“But.. Y/N.. I..” “Come on.. “ She bit at the inside of her cheek. “Like I said before, we can have a nurse come in for you and observe. And also.. It’s Healer Y/L/N to you, Mr. Malfoy.” He smirked at this and set his hands on his lap, taking a deep breath. 

“You know what, Healer Y/L/N? I might be willing to try.. but.. I don’t want a nurse to come in. I want you to.”

Her eyes widened and she reached for the quill on her desk, fiddling with its fibres. When an ex challenged you as such, were you supposed to take it? The feelings he used to stir inside of her had long faded and she was sure the both of them had moved on as much as the other had, it was a mutual break up, in the end. Was this supposed to be related to that..? Was he.. Actually interested? Or was he just playing games? 

Did it even matter? Life was getting a little boring. Something a little out of the ordinary for her would be fun, for sure.

“You know what? Sure.”

***

It was seven o’clock on Friday evening when she finally finished up with all her work at St. Mungo’s and headed home, ready for the night that lay ahead of her. 

She slipped out of the lime green uniform robes she wore to work and went through her wardrobe, confused. What the hell was she supposed to wear? Definitely not something inappropriate, not something overly casual, and not something too fancy either. In the end, she was going over to his place to watch him sleep, and hopefully manage to sleep herself, not to sleep with him. (She was quite tired, admittedly.)

In the end, she decided to wear a pair of pyjamas (white with purple stripes!) just out of spite. Would it be a turn off? Huh, possibly. Would it be funny? For sure. Would it be embarrassing? ..maybe, but hopefully not.

And so she did exactly that and apparated to his home. One she’d only visited years and years ago. 

It was just as grand as it was then. Probably a bit more wellkept now. Obviously so, since it had been 10 years since the war had struck.. since she’d been trapped inside that very cellar. And for a second, she just stood there, processing her memories. She was not going to let the sight of this house cause her to relapse, absolutely not. It had been years. Many years since then. She’d gotten over it. She didn’t need to think about it. 

Slowly but steadily, she made her way through the gate and into the estate. The hedges were gorgeous, trimmed to perfection and even with the sun down, the lamps set every few steps along made everything look even more.. perfect. Draco really did live in the lap of luxury. He always had.

She walked to the door and used the snake-shaped door knocker (Christ!) a couple times, staring up at the tall hardwood door as it suddenly opened. 

And of course, it was him. Him. In a blue cotton button up shirt and silky pyjamas. Cute.

“Good evening, Healer Y/L/N. Do come in. Nice outfit.” He took a step back and held the door open. “Good evening, Mr. Malfoy.” She stepped in, looking around curiously. 

It was all different. Draco had switched up the layout considerably. Gone was the dark and gloomy aesthetic that had presided over the interior of the house before. Everything was white now. Off-white, perhaps, like the color you’d call marble. The palatial chandeliers still hung from the ceilings, but that was all that remained the same. Everything else was brighter. She was glad to see it was so.

“Having a look around, are we?”

“Well, what do you expect, Draco? It’s been.. so many years.. It looks beautiful, by the way.” “Thank you, interior design by yours truly.” “I thought as much.. your taste has improved a bit, I’d say.” She smiled up at him.

The change was definitely helpful towards her not feeling panicked at the sight of the place. It actually looked.. inviting, to some extent. 

“Glad to hear you think so, Healer.” “Right, so, were you going to get to bed?” “This early? I thought we were going to have dinner first.” “I.. had some dinner at work. Quite a bit, actually.” “That’s too bad.. I just had Golby set out the table for us. Nice food too.”

“You can have it, if you like. I’m just here for work, am I not?” “.. Y/N..” He rolled his eyes. “No formalities between us, please.” “It’s not a formality. It’s protocol.”

He set his hand on her shoulder and she almost winced. “Please? For me?” “Ugh.. fine.”

***

Sitting beside him on the table brought back memories. Pleasant ones. Of all the times they had together. The first true ‘moment’ they had between them wasn’t one she liked looking back at all that much. It was unpleasant and could still trigger an anxiety attack. 

But everything after..

She could remember the joy that had filled her upon seeing Draco stumble into Shell Cottage that same day. He was wounded, badly, but he was alive. He could be healed. She’d helped Fleur as much as she could with all the healing after that point, and she took up a mattress right next to where Draco had been put to sleep, and she took care of him, personally. He was beyond grateful, as he’d told her a few days later.

And she was beyond grateful to Harry and Ron. They’d actually listened to her when it would have been so easy to just ignore her. She knew they’d hated him like anything at school, and it had truly elated her to see Draco again, actually alive. 

They’d spoken to Draco and he was actually willing to help them. He told them of the plans he knew the Death Eaters were working on. It wasn’t quite a lot to go off of, since apparently, You-Know-Who had begun to distrust the Malfoy family, but it was still helpful. Draco even told her he basically saved their lives by lying for them, and they’d basically returned the favour. She wasn’t sure about the specifics, really. All she knew was that they’d somehow balanced out what they owed each other. 

They’d spent a while at Shell Cottage before being moved over to a different safe house. Draco was the Death Eater’s biggest target at that point, and he had grown very, very scared. For some reason, it was decided that the two of them would go to the Tonks’ house. To Andromeda’s house. To Draco’s estranged aunt’s house. He felt even more afraid.

She’d been shunned out of their family! All because she’d eloped with a muggle born. He was afraid she wouldn’t take much of a liking to him, but.. it was completely different to what he’d anticipated. She welcomed with open arms, treated him like her own son. Everything was just fine. Or at least that’s what it seemed like.

The ‘Battle of Hogwarts’ came to fruition before them and the two of them stayed far from it, the lack of wands rendering them useless in such chaos. Obviously, after the conflict, they were off in search of their families. Draco’s was glad to have him back alive, as was hers. They’d apparently fled from the country the instant they realised she’d been kidnapped by the Death Eaters. 

But.. of course.. she was then forced to spend quite a lot of time at St. Mungo’s. PTSD. Thankfully, she was far from alone. Practically every other person even partly involved with the conflict was also undergoing some sort of treatment post war. And right after a particular therapy session, when Draco’d asked her to join him for a pint at the Leaky Cauldron, was when repressed feelings came out into the open and she kissed him. 

And that was that, really. 

They were inseparable for the next year. The ‘eighth years’ at Hogwarts, which consisted of several students looking to get the NEWT’s they’d missed out in the year prior, were banded together most of the time, and Draco and Y/N seemed to be joined at the hip. Well, until they weren’t anymore.

It was a mutual agreement. Neither of them were treating it very seriously and they had things to focus on. It ended on a positive note, with a little giggle between them and a hug. They were teenagers, after all.

But now, ten years later, she wasn’t sure why all those feelings were coming right back. Making her blush when he spoke to her. Goddammit. Why did Draco have to get cuter as he got older?

Soon enough, it was time for bed. They’d chatted for nearly an hour just at the dinner table and Y/N suggested he try sleeping earlier than usual, just for observation’s sake. And so he led her into his bedroom, shutting his door behind the two of them.

“Should I.. get you a mattress?”

“That would be nice.” “Actually.. wait... I..” She stared up at him curiously, smoothing back her hair. All of a sudden he grabbed ahold of both of her hands and pulled her forward, closer to him. 

“Draco, I-”

“No, I have a confession to make…” He took a deep breath. “I might have had.. intentions.. calling you over here. Doing all of this, really.” “You.. what?” “I asked them to schedule my appointment with you instead. I kind of.. missed you.” “..Oh?” “I totally get it if you don’t want anything.. romantic with me. I’m fine just being friends. I.. I don’t think you’re in a relationship, but of course, I could be wrong.. I just.. I.. we were so good together, you know?” “We were.” “We just.. got each other. You were so kind to me. Why did we even.. end us..?”

“It was a mutual thing, remember?” “I know but.. I like you, you know?” That made her cheeks flush more than she’d care to admit.

“You do?” “I do. I.. didn’t really need the potion when we’d.. sleep together. You’d just.. I don’t know how you did it.. But I’d feel calm with you. Around you. There’s no better candidate for a healer, really. I was thinking that you’d be very, very good.. and I was right, you were. You.. did the right thing, didn’t you?” 

This was so out of nowhere. She should be more shocked, shouldn’t she? But why was she feeling like she was on cloud nine?

“I like you too.” was all she could manage out. He looked at her for a second before giving her a wide, wide grin. 

“I can’t believe you pretended you didn’t know it was me! Was that just because you couldn’t be arsed to get me chocolates or something?”

“Uh.. well.. Maybe.” He laughed and she did too, playfully hitting the side of his arm. “I’ll get you some if you want them so badly. I have.. better gifts to offer you.” He winked.

“Draco!” She shook her head. 

“Fine. As you wish, Healer.” She just rolled her eyes at him and stared at him with the most sincere smile she could manage. He pulled her even closer towards him, bringing a hand up and setting it on her cheek. His eyes were suddenly on hers and she leaned up towards him, puckering her lips. 

And then their lips met. It was the most familiar feeling in the world and yet the most electrifying. Everything was soft and sweet and perfect. All their wounds were healed and they knew anything that still hurt would only get better. 

All was well.

[shyswiftie13]

Dear All Swifties,

Hi! @shyswiftie13 here!

Very quickly, I wanted to explain something.

I have a disease called Trigeminal Neuralgia, also known as TN. This disease is rare, and not many people know about it, so I always like to spread awareness when I can. TN is a chronic pain disorder affecting the Trigeminal nerve in the face. This disease causes severe pain in the face and jaw area. The pain that this disease causes is known to be some of the most severe pain known to man, so much so, that an alarming percentage of people would rather not live than deal with the suffering that comes with it. This pain can be triggered by weather changes, brushing your teeth, chewing, even something as simple as a light touch to the face.

When I was diagnosed with this disease at 16, I had no idea what I would be in for. There is no cure for TN, and at the time, I didn’t really understand what that meant. That I would have to live with this for the rest of my life. That I would never again be able to experience some things the same way I did before. That some days, as much as an entire week in a row, would be spent with me doing nothing but crying. The pain is sometimes so severe that all I can do is sleep days away until it stops. That is, if I can even fall asleep due to the stress and suffering.

TN is different for everyone, but for me, my main triggers are weather changes, sinus infections (which I unfortunately get a lot of), certain touches on my face, loud noises, wearing and listening to things through headphones (YouTube videos, streaming, all that is usually a no-go for me), and music. Yes, music.

Loud music, music being played in headphones (especially), music coming from my phone, music from car radios and from concerts. Which hurts when music is something you love more than anything.

When you have a rare disease, it usually means that it’s something that a majority of people don’t understand. And I’ve found being a fan of a musical artist, it’s something a majority of people REALLY don’t understand.

“Why aren’t you streaming?! Have you watched the new video yet?! Have you listened to the new song?! Why aren’t you doing anything?! If you don’t do these things I’m gonna unfollow you!”

These are the types of things that hurt. I understand that it’s not anyone’s job to do anything differently for me, and I’m not offended by these phrases because I know they aren’t an attack at me; but, coming from an insiders perspective, I feel extremely left out sometimes. This disease controls my life in lots of ways, my enjoyment of the things I love being a HUGE factor. If I’m having a TN attack the day a music video or something drops, I may not be able to see it until a week later. By that time, all the hype is over. Everyone is done talking about it and moved on to different things, and I haven’t gotten to join in on any of the hype with my friends. I’m an outsider. I watch from the sidelines as everyone enjoys the things that I wish that I could.

The night that ME! dropped, which I had been waiting for excitedly with everyone else, I had a TN attack. My face ached so bad it caused me to be nauseated and barely able to move. I felt as if my eyes were going to explode from the burning and spasms. My friends were all messaging me, calling me, asking me if I’d seen the video yet. Asking me why I hadn’t watched it yet. Calling me a “fake fan” because the second the video dropped I wasn’t on top of it with everyone else. Not only did I miss out on going to the countdown with Taylor on YouTube, I felt like I had let her down. I felt like I had let my friends down. I felt like a Swiftie that didn’t do their part. I felt fake.

The point of me explaining all this was to bring two points in light.

1. To bring awareness to rare diseases, especially Trigeminal Neuralgia.

2. To bring to light how hurtful the whole “fake fan” stigma can be.

I admit I cried that night when I wasn’t able to put in my headphones and watch the video excitedly with all my friends. When everyone called me “fake” for not streaming along with everyone else. When people judged me for not being as quick as everyone else to watch the video. It made me start to wonder how many other people get treated like this and how it makes them feel. If you LOVE TAYLOR SWIFT you are a REAL SWIFTIE. You are a REAL FAN. Even if you can’t listen to her songs 24/7, even if you can’t afford to buy her merch, even if you can’t meet her or go to her concerts. Even if you don’t get noticed by Taylor Nation. Even if you don’t have social media!! You are a real swiftie because you are just like the rest of us. You share a mutual love for Taylor and you want to see her succeed. I’m so tired of the whole “fake fan” stigma or the whole “unfollow me if you don’t ...” posts. You never really know what people are going through. You don’t know what people are able to do based on tons of plausible factors.

SPREAD LOVE IN THE TS7 ERA.

Thank you so much @taylorswift @taylornation for giving me the courage to accept myself for who I am, especially in the hardest of times. And for giving me the courage to love ME!

P.S. linked are resources where you can learn more about Trigeminal Neuralgia and where you can donate to help find a cure for this awful disease.

[please reblog if you can to help spread awareness 💕]

[nacsygen]

here’s a fun fact i haven’t shared that’s been going on for a LONG time: at my work, for our logins, we have to change our alphanumeric passwords every quarter.  after my first password, which i wasn’t thinking about beforehand so just used an old reliable of mine, i thought “hmm, well, this will be easier to remember if i have a system.  hey...17 has thirteen members, and i know their age order, bc that’s how i learned their names to begin with.  i can start with one based on seungcheol and go down the line, and if i get all the way to chan, well, i’ll know i’ve been at this job too fucking long.”

welp.  i’m on minghao now.

however, with the way life is going, it’s looking like seungkwan’s gonna be my last Password Boy...bc YA BOI IS MOVING TO ATLANTA

probably. most likely.  by early summer.

it occurs to me that while i often share anecdotes of the past, i don’t make many posts about my current circumstances.  considering this is a new account, with far fewer followers and mostly mutuals, i think i’ll be making more blog-style posts here now.

for those who are newer or just haven’t seen me mention it, i’m currently a scribe, a transcriptionist/editor, working out of an almost call-center-like office in a florida college town.  thankfully, having also done call center tech support work, the difference is we just process recordings.  (dealing with tech support was so stressful, i got fucking scabies at 23 and missed a month of work, but that’s a story for another day). being a scribe is a phenomenally boring and isolating job, for the most part, and one i am very good at.  it’s a very safe job for me, in a lot of ways.  it sucks and i hate it, as one can find with basically all scribes throughout history, but it also takes a very particular set of skillsets, ones i happen to have, that make it easy as fuck.  there’s good and bad. i set my own hours, within reason. there’s very little management meddling as long as i don’t fuck up. i can easily be a bit late and never have anyone talk to me about it as long as i get my hours done.  however, it’s physically painful to sit and type for hours and hours, and psychically damaging, i’m sure, to spend hours a day wishing i was doing something else, to be paid a pittance (but it’s still above minimum wage so i guess i should be grateful?) as a skilled and experienced laborer to type all day about other people’s money, regularly including people who make as much in a month as i do in a year.  on the other hand, my gods are some of the oldest and coolest (my favorites are seshat and nabu), and at this point, after almost 4,000 hours of doing this, i’d have to actively work to get fired.  it’s safe.  there’s no opportunity for advancement, there’s no sense of my time meaning something in the grand scheme of things, there is no meaning at all.  i am grease in the wheels of capitalism.  it robs me of the energy and prime writing hours to use my hands to put down my own words, not someone else’s.  but it’s safe.

my apartment’s getting sold out from under me in a few months, and i was initially panicking, thinking about how i could find new roommates, where i could live that would be easily accessible to my work without a car, even looking up info about the apartment complex next door to it - which, between work, home, and publix, would limit most my external world to about a square mile.

then i was at work earlier this week and realized...why am i having so much anxiety about being able to keep a job i fucking hate?

change is terrifying to me.  it’s part of my coping mechanisms with my untreated adhd, i’ve come to realize (with the help of  friends who have diagnosed adult adhd and are like no, yeah, you absolutely have it).  i have to keep a very regimented rhythm of life just to function at all, which took me way too far into my 20s to even figure out.  i need to wake up around the same time every day, get dressed to leave at the same time every day, make sure my wallet is in the outside pocket of my bag, my key is in the front pocket, i’ve got my publix bag rolled up in my purse (and now that it’s winter a hat and gloves just in case), and my umbrella (also just in case), and my tablet that was a gift from my beau (loaded up with pages to read offline while waiting for and on the bus), and a paper book or two (in case for some reason i can’t read on the tablet), and a snack for mid-shift so my stomach won’t spend all day hating me.  all of this i verify both before i leave my room and before i close the locked front door behind me, especially the wallet and key.  

if this sounds dreadfully mundane, please understand, i had to learn to make this a regimented routine, every step of which i need to consciously account for even while half asleep, or else i will forget something.  more than once this compulsive checking to make sure i have my wallet and my key a second time before locking the door has saved my entire day.  all that before even leaving the house.  i had to learn this on my own to quiet the constant racing anxiety that put me in the ER a couple years ago with an inability to even keep down food because i had no idea how to be a functioning independent person.  and so much of that is mentally tied to this apartment, to this job, bc at 26 years old a couple years ago, after over a decade of battling depression and adhd and finally getting treatment for the first, at least, i was finally equipped to and also forced to become an independent human being in a capitalist society.  and it was terrifying.  but routine is safe, now.  i do the same thing every day during the week, at the same times of day, and sleep in a bit on weekends and do nothing.  time passes and passes.  i invent games and new routines for the day, meaningful boxes to tick, just to establish meaning back into my life.

i’m getting too far off track.  sorry, it’s the adhd.

the point is, change is terrifying.  but my beau - sorry for the awkward term, but “beau” and “sweetheart” fit us better than bf and gf, especially considering gender and long-distance stuff - told me as soon as i told him the news about the apartment that i could always come to live with him. i dismissed it as last resort at first.  like, we’ve known each other for almost 10 years, more couple-y than ever the last two, and he visits me when he can.  we’ve never lived in the same city, but in a sense, we both were there to watch each other grew up, despite that we first started talking as friends when i was probably 19 or 20 and he was 31.  now i’m 28 and he’s 40.  he’s inspirational to me, because for a long time, he was living the kind of life i am now - working bullshit jobs that don’t mean anything, working and living to survive, scrounging meaning and joy in independent scholarship and pop culture.  but somewhere in his mid-30s, he changed the whole direction of his life to throw himself into a career in film production.  it takes an extraordinary amount of self-motivation, courage, fearlessness, energy, time, EVERYTHING to live the kind of life he does, living the freelance life, going from shoot to shoot all across the southeast, constantly on the hussle.  but he has a career.  he’s doing something amazing that he’s good at and he loves, and bc he’s about the most likable guy alive, he has contacts everywhere, through all levels of the industry. and he’s just about the most capable person i know.

so when i had my realization, why am i so worried about keeping this job i hate, i realized swiftly on its heels that i was just terrified of change.  i wanted to keep things safe, even if it was a marginal existence - still, a safe one.  but change can also bring opportunity.  moving in with him wouldn’t just be an act of charity on his part, but helping the person he loves to make a meaningful change forward in life.  Atlanta is the capitol of the South.  i could get a job in publishing in atlanta.  i could get a job in the film industry in atlanta (fun fact: georgia is now the center of film production on the east coast.  he knows a ton of people that worked on stranger things!). i could write for a living in atlanta.  i could be a script doctor like Carrie Fisher, i could edit for a living for more than some finance office’s memoranda ephemera, i could have a life where i was able to create, and not just in my spare time and for fun.  i could live in atlanta, and not just survive. my beau, as mentioned, has contacts everywhere, and has already hooked me up with a couple writer-type-creators in the industry to mentor me.  i can do it.  i will do it.  even my mom said i’ll do better there than in the waypoint city i’m in now (and also helpfully reminded me she rents uhauls now as part of her own self-owned business).

tl;dr either in april or june, depending on what i can convince my current fairly indulgent landlord on, i’ll be moving to Atlanta and starting a whole new life.  my beau has a two-bedroom (thank god, bc if i’ve learned anything from long-term moved-in relationships is that i need my space, and he also agrees on that on his end) and his place is less than a mile away from a publix and also a main bus line and a MARTA station, so i could be easily independent as a non-driver (important not just from a relationship standpoint, but also bc realistically he’s only home about a week out of a month, cumulatively). also, he has a cat! a tabby boy named dalek! bc he’s a fucking nerd!

[stefano-and-obscura]

This is NOT Okay: Bullying someone over fanfiction and over what their friends said.

Unfortunately it has come to my attention that a mutual of mine was being harassed both on here and on AO3 because of her Stefano Valentini Randomness Stories, and this sad, pathetic waste of space below tried to JUSTIFY it. What they put is absolutely sickening. [I wound up using strong language in my responses, so I am sorry you have to read those words.]

More under the cut because this is getting long

Look, my friend didn't tell me she was called "basement dweller," and I don't care who did it. That person's ass is grass whether you like it or not. She didn't complain to me about it. I found it myself and acted

If your friend didn't tell you, that meant you actually read it and you saw who REALLY called her a basement dweller, which makes it all the more fucking pathetic you're harassing someone JUST because of what a fan of theirs told your friend!! Where's the justification for THAT?? You just wanted an excuse to hate on someone who wrote what you didn't like, and instead of being the LOGICAL person and confronting the one who insulted your friend you went after the person who had nothing to do with it.

Your friend brought that on herself; she commented something rude, someone else defended the author, and your idiotic little rat brain decides to go after the author???????

That's like me going after YOUR FRIEND because of YOUR BEHAVIOR.  I feel so, so sorry that your friend has to put up with a fucking overly goddamn worthless piece of shit like you who thinks its okay to bully others because "MAH FWENDS!" How fucking old are you???????

I'm gonna get this straight once and for all: we did NOT tell her to delete her story. We did not just choose to target her because she was who she was. We just found a crappy story and left our comments.We are just as entitled to our opinions. 

From the comments I saw when she linked me I saw you fucking assholes DID tell her to delete her story!! You're just fucking lucky she deleted the whole damn thing because she didn't want to deal with drama anymore, but you are lying through your teeth. You CHOSE to target her because "lolz shitteh storie!" which itself is an EXTREMELY shitty reason to harass someone in the first place and tell therm to delete something they're working on.  You're a sick fuck, you all are, because if you think its justifiable to harass people based on how badly their story is written you don't deserve the privilege of being online at all.

You can leave your shitty opinion WITHOUT harassing the author, doncha know?? There's CONSTRUCTIVE criticism (which nobody there used) that your dumb fucking asses could have used instead of "THIS SUCKS DELETE YOUR STORY DELETE IT NOW" like a bunch of enraged toddlers who are pissy that they can't get what they want.

Instead of ignoring us and deleting them, she turned it into drama. So, immediately, by that alone, that in turn caused her white knights to do what they have been doing.

This just in: Apparently people CANNOT offer their own reason for doing the way it does without "turning it into drama".  You bastards were the ones who turned it into drama by harassing her still, people defending themselves against hateful comments (aka "DELETE YOUR SHITTY STORY") is NOT causing drama. You got pissy because she told you off and gave her reason, so you decided to bully her all because "wahh my fee fees hurt!"

And yes, she could use a little bit of real world. Everyone gets depressed, everyone gets anxious. She's not special. Everyone gets a little fragile here and there,

You're one of the stupidest motherfuckers to ever stupid.

Because of her fragile mental health due to her condition, the poor girl deals with enough ‘real world’ shit at home. There’s a reason that people come online, to escape that, and sorry, bullying is not ‘real world’. It is something that happens in the real world, but its not normal and should never be okay to do at all, not even online. (Where it can get worse than real world bullying because smug rat bastards like yourself think you can hide behind a wall of anonymity until someone dies from it, in which case you’re held responsible)

You have NO understanding of mental illnesses! There's a difference between "I'm feeling sad! I'm feeling nervious!" AND A DEBILITATING MENTAL ILLNESS THAT PEOPLE HAVE TO BE ON MEDICATION FOR.

One of your friends being "sad" is NOT the same as someone struggling with depression! One of your friends feeling nervous sometimes is NOT the same as someone dealing with near-crippling anxiety!

Nobody takes medicine for being just sad and just nervous, and everyone gets a little fragile here and there??????? There's a big fucking difference from being at a low point AND HAVING YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS AFFECT YOU SO BADLY THAT YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT, AND THERE'S A REASON WHY MOST OF THE PEOPLE WHO COMMIT SUICIDE ARE STRUGGLING WITH MENTAL ILLNESSES.

With you and your friends' fucking harassment YOU COULD HAVE BULLIED THIS GIRL TO SELF HARM and frankly I wouldn't be surprised if you already did, ALL OVER A STORY YOU HATED AND SOMEONE ELSE'S COMMENT.

How many people have you done this to? How many people did you indirectly kill because you bullied them to self harm and suicide?

and no. Saying a bad story is bad is not bullying. It is not. You're just calling it bullying because she said it was. You're just functioning on her vocabulary.

HMMMMM apparently telling someone to delete their story over and over, spamming her and leaving other hateful shit isn't bullying?? You're fucking delusional.  You outright admitted to it that she had to get hurt.  You planned this, you and the rest of the sick fucks in your pack decided to BULLY her over something so incredibly stupid.

And you know what? All of my friends have medically diagnosed problems too, not just "depression" and "anxiety."

And you know what?????? Everyone experiences mental illnesses differently, some worse than others! And goody goody, your friend has BPD?? So does my mother, who, because of her BPD, has physically and emotionally hurt me, other people and herself, and she attempted SUICIDE because it got that bad!

Meanwhile judging from YOUR attitude and lack of understanding (or plain ignorance) towards mental illness, either your friend has VERY mild, manageable BPD or your friend doesn't have BPD at all! None of your friends do, or if they DO, they either have it under control or they know what kind of shitty bitch you are and keep it hidden from you because they know you'll treat them like absolute trash otherwise.

YOUR ACTIONS have only worsened the girl's mental state, and you don't  care at all because "Ha ha my friends handle it better/don't have anything so YOU should be able to do the same by my neurotypical standards uwu"

I'm not a white knight. I'm her best friend.

You may be her "friend" (Which I doubt because unless you're hiding that side from her, ,who wants to be friends with something like you?) but you still white-knighted by jumping in where your ass didn't belong. Not only that but you went after the WRONG PERSON, IF YOU ACTUALLY DID IT BECAUSE OF THE BASEMENT DWELLER INSULT!!

Judging from the fact you KNEW it wasn't her who called your friend a basement dweller (which is a stupid fucking thing to get offended over unless you're 12)  You didn't attack her for the basement dweller thing at all, did you??

You saw an opportunity to attack her because of her shitty story (as if you didn't already do the whole "DELETE YOUR STORY IT SUCKS" bit) and find a way to justify it.

It was never about the basement dweller thing, as far as I see. If it really was why did you bother attacking her some more instead of going after the person who made the comment?????? You said so yourself, your friend didn't tell you, you saw it!

And no, if she can't just delete comments and not cry over them for hours, I'm sorry. She has no business writing fanfiction. I repeat, she has NO BUSINESS writing fanfiction.

I'm sorry but if you can't dislike someone's story without harassing them and bullying them for hours, I'm sorry, you have no business being online. I REPEAT, you have NO BUSINESS BEING ONLINE.

Yeah, her writing isn't exactly my favorite either, but guess what?? She can improve at writing!! You? You'll always be a sad, unwanted worthless shitty waste of egg and sperm.

I am not bullying the girl.

And I’m totally not typing this sentence online and posting it to a website called tumblr! 

I am criticizing her writing and her method of grabbing fans by lying to them, pandering to them, and forcing them to bend to her every will.

“This sucks delete your story!” isn’t criticizing, dumbass. 

Grabbing fans by lying to them and pandering them, and forcing them to bend to her will? I call bullshit on all of that! 

First let’s address the pandering accusation.  You have FANS, you write content the FANS WANT.  As a FANFIC AUTHOR, I mean that’s basically your job, its not pandering, its supply and demand. If that was true then everyone writing Stefano Valentini fanfic because people like Stefano are now fan panderers!

Also, how the fuck does she lie to them?????? I don’t fucking see it!! 

-She actually does write these in second person, signifying the READER is the one in it. (I dislike those stories a lot for obvious reasons, is that your beef with it too?)

-Its not in chronological order either

She’s not lying to them, and HOW is she fan-pandering if there ISN’T any fan pandering????? All I see is stuff SHE wants to write, and lemme guess its only “fan pandering” because of second person perspective?? That’s bullshit. 

Manipulation? I’ll believe it when I see it, bitch.

She is manipulative and dangerous. I would even advise you to stay away from her because you're giving in to her. That is all I'm gonna say.

“She is manipulative and dangerous, I would even advise you to stay away from her!” Cries the idiotic bully-bitch who’s been harassing the user over a STORY and claiming its for a “basement dweller” comment that she didn’t even write herself.  

Yeah, I’m TOTALLY gonna listen to a person who bullies others!! 

You’re the only manipulative and dangerous one here.  You said you didn’t care if she gets hurt, that she needs a bit of ‘real world’.  People like you are the ones who cause people to commit suicide, or cause those people to turn into murderers because they lost the value for their own lives as well as others, because believe it or not, SpaceUndies, your actions DO have consequences!! 

I only know this because I've known people like this.

Are you seriously fucking 12? You're not the only one who's dealt with people like this!

I've had internet access since late 2012, you honestly don't fucking thing I've encountered a lot of dangerous, manipulative people???????  I'm really good at picking out manipulative people based on several behavioral patterns I've observed in the ones I met (and including a guardian of mine who's warped me so badly as a child that I still am suffering from her actions to this day) and I can tell you FLAT OUT that, as far as I am seeing right now in front of me, the only manipulative bastard is you.

You're unhealthily obsessed with harassing people and claiming "uM SOMEONE ELSE CALLED MY FRIEND A BASEMENT DWELLER" and white-knighting because "I'm sticking up for a friend!"

I've dealt with enough useless wastes of human DNA like yourself to know which ones need to be kept away from the internet and other people, and you're one of them.

Ignoring the fact that Basement Dweller isn't even a viable insult to any degree and is in no way harmful, I can only imagine how much you fly off the loop when something a tad more different happens.

You're dangerous and you need to have your psych evaluated. First it starts with hurting people online, then real life bullying, an then you'll be kidnapping and murdering people for minor infractions.

They would threaten themselves and their own lives just to get attention. She is doing the same.

That is where I got you, bitch.

She never threatened her own safety, at all.  I just mentioned that-because if your stupid little incompetent ass bothered to read, I said she COULD do that, because that's what people with fragile mental health DO!  They're more prone to self harm and suicide due to BULLYING which you said she needed some of.

Also, this goes to prove how much of an idiotic bastard you are. 

"Hurr durr if someone I don't like is having issues and does say about self harm THEY FAKIN'!"

Guess what? Your friend SUPPOSEDLY has BPD.  I bet that every time they get on the verge of self harm THEY'RE FAKING. Do you think the same too, or are they somehow magically the exception??

 I would say get out while you still can. But hey, if you just think I'm a bitch for defending my BPD friend, so be it. At least she can change and adapt to life. Like I said, I don't protect because they ask me to. I do it because I want to.

You're a bitch because you're BULLYING someone! Sorry tootsie-pop but bullying is not the same as defending, NOT TO MENTION you're "defending" her from the WRONG PERSON.  You fucking ADMITTED that you saw everything and YOU ADMITTED you didn't care who sent that message! You're not even bullying her for the basement dweller comment, you're just bullying this girl because you hated the story.

Also what does your BPD friend have to do with it?? She didn't even come to you about this which shows she wasn't upset! Her BPD HAD NO PART IN THIS, you're just using that as a "HA HA GOTCHA" card against someone with another mental condition.   Because of your SHITTINESS towards symptoms and conditions and claiming "EVERYONE gets like that sometimes!" I actually, truly, honestly do believe your friend DOESN'T have BPD at all, you're just lying through your teeth, because otherwise you would have known about the whole "Mental illness symptoms are FAR DIFFERENT from regular mood stuff!"

Your friend can adapt and change in life?? What a coinky-dink, so can the author!! I mean she has to in order to survive with her condition, but that doesn't mean she HAS to put that guard up 24/7, ESPECIALLY online where most real world bullshit shouldn't have to happen.

Your logic never lines up and it doesn't make sense. You KNEW she had fragile mental health but you kept pushing her to the FUCKING BRINK because you could, like any other evil bastard who just wants to watch people suffer.

You don't care for your friend at all, judging from the above, you're only using her as a pathetic excuse. You just wanted a reason to hurt someone over a little story you personally hated. You don't care about other peoples' mental health, you truly don't care if blood is spilled over it because "They deserved it because SOMEONE DIFFERENT called my friend a meanie word that little kids use :( "

You never experienced online bullying, but for this alone and the fact you knowingly bullied someone with fragile mental health because "she deserved it", I hope you experience it.   I honestly do hope that, for as long as you continue being online, you get some "real world" from other people no matter what you do and what you say. I want you to go through as much bullshit as you put this girl through, and when you go to other people about your issues, they laugh in your face and tell you the same thing you've said above.

[aplpaca]

1, 19, 20

thanks for asking! (this ended up being hella long so thats why its kinda late)

1: Did you discover that you are autistic early or later in life? How do you think it affected you?i had an “unofficial” diagnosis when i was like 4 (unofficial bc i was “on the spectrum but didnt meet all the criteria for an official diagnosis” aka i could talk and wasnt a boy) but because it was unofficial there wasnt really anything that could be done with it, so it wasnt considered significant and i didnt think much of it.    

i didnt actually “figure it out” till towards the end of high school, and what really made me consider it was how much i related to posts by autistic people talking about traits and experiences.  and it was super “freeing” i guess cause it was like realizing that id been viewing myself wrong for most of my life? that my difficulties werent because i hadnt “nurtured” them the right way and my interests and talents werent some warped form of compensation.  like a mental shift from “im a defective version of other people” to “im a perfectly decent version of myself”. 

kinda like if youd been taking care of a “weird bush”, getting confused that it was different from the other ones, and then realized the bush was actually a cactus.  but now that you know, you can figure out how to grow a healthy cactus instead of overwatering it in the hopes it will look like a bush   

19: What, in your opinion, is the most ridiculous autism myth or stereotype?theres a lot of those but the stereotype of autism being a young white boy thing is definitely up there in terms of perpetuating inequalities like afab people and poc are diagnosed less frequently and misdiagnosed a lot more, especially when theyre not kids anymoreless institutional for this one, but a lot of non-autistic people act like theyre able to intuitively tell if someone is or isnt autistic? when their knowledge is based on one autistic person they know of, or a mix of pop culture and maybe an intro to psych class.  like “*person* cant be autistic they do *thing that isnt mutually exclusive to being autistic*” or “are you sure youre autistic cause youre not like my younger brother”  

20: How would you describe autism to someone who knows nothing about it?im not exactly sure how to answer this concisely and still give some actual background on being autistic but heres some traits (under the read-more since this is pretty long already)

social interactions

casual conversation comes a lot less naturally for you than for others (like for me it feels kinda like trying to do a card trade when youre deck is out of order or when youre taking too long trying to find the right amount of money to give the cashier)

even if youre pretty sarcastic yourself, you might have trouble recognizing when other people are doing it (maybe responding to them as if they were serious, then realizing it was sarcasm afterwards)

difficulty with timing in conversations - accidentally interrupting a lot or not knowing when to start talking in groups

takes a lot longer for you to make friends than most people, even when actively trying

might have difficulty telling peoples feelings from their facial expressions or tone of voice, may accidentally overstep boundaries as a result

language/expression differences

speaking might not come naturally as a form of expression, might be more comfortable writing or using another method, especially on more personal topics

might be more or less facially expressive than most people (”resting bitch face” or finding it really hard to hide emotions)

might go nonverbal at times (or all the time) - talking feels physically difficult and takes more energy than usual, can happen with stress or just randomly

sensory stuff

hypo or hypersensitivities - more bothered by loud noise or bright light than others, being a lot more sensitive to fabric and clothing, needing certain levels of noise to be comfortable, “picky” eating (especially related to texture), sitting normally in chairs is uncomfortable, more or less reactive to certain smells

stimming because it feels nice, helps focus, relieves stress - fidgeting, Need To Move, leg bouncing, rocking, repeating phrases/noises because they sound/feel nice, hair twirling, feeling certain textures, pressure (heavy blankets, tight clothing, etc),

sensory overload when overstimulated (often in loud/bright/crowded/etc areas), may have trouble processing all information at once, get irritated by small sounds, may get dizzy, can trigger anxiety, restless energy, trouble focusing, places others are fine with may feel very chaotic to you (eg: a mall or supermarket), symptoms lessen when away from situation

various other things

special interests - if you like something you really like it no middle ground (”obsessed or nothing”), avidly pursue more info/content relating to it, feel an intense need to talk about these interests with others, could spend hours a day on these interests without getting bored  

executive dysfunction - procrastination, difficulty planning ahead, trouble with time management, distracted easily, trouble staying on task, difficulty multi-tasking, having trouble making yourself do something even when you want to get it done

unexpected events or changes in routine (even small things and even if your schedule is not busy) are stressful, might cause you to freeze up,  can take a long time to get used to

auditory processing difficulties - “sorry can you repeat that”, comprehending what someone said when theyre halfway through repeating it, following verbal instructions is hella confusing (“i know what those words mean and i know what that sentence means but i have no clue what im supposed to be doing”)

detail oriented - needing to know specific details and reasons behind things to remember them better, noticing lots of things others dont

good at coming up with unique ideas, different thinking approach leads you to problem-solve in ways others might not

i could write more but ima stop now, i think ive prob info-dumped enough

[leyahroehl]

american modern home insurance company reviews

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes from different companies :coveragedeals.net

american modern home insurance company reviews

american modern home insurance company reviews and the company s website, it can be found to be an excellent option for people with a history of home insurance. When you re shopping for a new home, think about what you re insuring—even if you already have a policy for years. If there s one thing to consider, it s having the right coverage and policies in place. So, if you re in the market for insurance, make sure you weigh your options carefully. Your home s exact location also factors into your homeowners insurance price. So, if a suburb of your current location could generate more expensive home insurance, you may need to look elsewhere. However, in areas with higher-than-average home values and a high number of insurance claims, your premiums could be able to offset those risks and save you money. Make sure to check with local insurance companies to learn more, like your local rate. Insurance providers also use credit scores to calculate premiums. If you have a loan, make sure they re not subject. american modern home insurance company reviews. All it would cost is your premiums a minimum of a lot of todays you pay out of pocket for the insurance coverage. That way, you are at least not going to be worrying about being underinsured. While the car insurance company you are going to drive is not the same driver in that he is not necessarily in a less than your usual position when the accident occurs. The result (and your premiums) are less and the car insurance company that you are covering will have a higher insurance deductible. I also find that your premium as I can determine is very low and your coverage should be good enough at least. I found that my deductible is about 1-500 dollars the premium is about 4% as much as my insurance company for insurance. That is a huge insurance bill. Your premiums are your deductible for buying insurance and it cost an additional 500 dollars to repair the car, that is it worth it? Are you going to put the money back to buy car insurance on your family. Or. american modern home insurance company reviews for a number of reasons, like what to expect and for what price. If you aren’t able to find an insurer that offers quality coverage, you may get screwed with and be looking for cheaper options as well. In addition to its great prices, the company offers great customer service, the ability to pay you up for your policy and get an instant quote online, all from its website. American Modern offers a lot of great discounts. You’ll get a discount for bundling your homeowner’s or renter’s policies with American Modern, so you can get extra savings if your homeowner’s policy or rental home has a comprehensive claim. American Modern offers one of the best quotes overall in terms of terms of coverage, service and claims handling. It even offers a discount for being a new customer. You’re never quite sure when a change happens and it’s difficult. You just have to take care of it. However, you can always.

Shopping for insurance?

Shopping for insurance? There’s a whole bunch of information about your history of coverage (how many miles you drove, how many miles you’ve used, etc.). But is important to you , how much should you pay? Here’s a few things you should know about paying your insurance premium: The average car insurance rate in New York is $1,411 annually, or $1.845 per year. You can take these numbers and multiply them together to get a car insurance rate — or, you can take a look at average premiums for New York average insurance rates. Car insurance rates vary from state to state because each company is weighing factors differently. Here are the average premiums for New York’s average car insurance rates based on these 5 factors: State minimum liability coverage requires drivers to purchase $25,000 of coverage per person and $50,000 per accident. You can purchase additional coverage, such as uninsured motorist coverage, underinsured motorist coverage and under.

Do parking tickets affect insurance?

Do parking tickets affect insurance? No. If your vehicle is your responsibility when you take out a policy, the insurance company will not cover the cost of the vehicle for damage. But there’s no harm done to the car when you actually drive it. In fact, a common theme among insurance companies is the question, “Should I buy some cars?” This is really a common question, for sure. That “Should” is usually an important factor in how much insurance companies cover. One of the most common scenarios for purchasing a car is to drive it off the lot without telling your insurance company. This is probably one of the most common scenarios that insurance companies take on when asking if you should insure a car with a license. You have a license and you drive your new car off the lot, right? As your auto insurance coverage options grow, insurance companies are beginning to see more and more potential for allowing drivers to lease a car or transfer certain assets to a holding right away. While you might.

Free Insurance Quote Comparison

Free Insurance Quote Comparison Enter your ZIP code below to view firms with the lowest prices from several companies.  Secured with SHA-256 Encryption Are you thinking about looking into auto insurance for one or more of these vehicles? Some of our insurance agents ask these questions when they’re looking for a new vehicle, and they can’t say you should stay away from an employer, but what about auto insurance for an automobile that’s not on your lot, because of how expensive it is? Auto insurance does not come in the form of a discount, but sometimes you’ve even been put a little bit of debt into a car because you’re not sure how the car will be used. How do they determine what the “right auto insurance for home” would look like? First of all, don’t assume that auto insurance will cover you for every car you drive. If you get a lot of cars, one will.

About American Modern Insurance

About American Modern Insurance Company is a subsidiary of Mutual of Omaha. The Company was formed in 1962 and has two offices in Omaha, Nebraska. The Company was incorporated in 1965, and in 1984 Mutual of Omaha became the underwriter. They sold insurance through Mutual of Omaha and American Modern Insurance Company. You have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress by your doctor and there is no record of a previous episode. You have also been diagnosed with PTSD (Paranoia), which is a psychological disorder. Can they get your discharge papers? We would love to help you get your insurance! I never knew that a mental illness would affect you. If I have PTSD, my doctor tells me i should get their discharge papers etc. that has my discharge papers. I need to get my own insurance, is this common practice? Thanks in advance. My discharge papers were faxed to me last week, it was a form called a form to request that i should get their own insurance, this is very frustrating. Is this.

American Modern Insurance Products

American Modern Insurance Products is a small local-focused partner to the nation s largest auto insurance providers. The company s mission is to offer personalized service and support to all of the drivers, drivers of the road and everyday life with insurance policies from over 60 leading insurance companies. Life, insurance, credit cards, car rentals, pet insurance and more. At TermOne, we strive to be your go-to agency for your auto, home, farm or life insurance. When you contact our office and we make sure that you are contacted. I was in an accident and I don’t know who is taking care of me. I can’t wait to get a new car but I just got a quote from them and they say they will charge me for having more insurance than the average driver. I’m not aware of that so sorry about this but I feel like if someone has the chance to put a dent in my car, it’s my turn! I like what they have saying that.

What does a no-fault state mean for auto insurance?

What does a no-fault state mean for auto insurance? No-fault law is a simple concept, and in many states, drivers do not have the choice to file a lawsuit against their car insurance provider after an accident. No-fault states include Maine, Vermont, Minnesota and Hawaii. If your state of residence does not have a state-mandated liability insurance minimum, your insurer may have to pay you the least amount of the damage, such as $5,000. If you have a legal policy in place through your employer or a government program, you should obtain it to avoid lawsuits. If your employer doesn t have this kind of coverage, your personal auto insurance is almost always a must. Some states allow insurance companies to use it as a business driver, while others don t. If you are driving your car to work or shopping for a job, it s generally a good idea to purchase more than the state-required minimum amount of insurance. If you do have an accident, your car insurance coverage will have a different level of coverage.

We hope you were insured. If not, fill out the form below to compare quotes from the top Auto insurance companies and save.

We hope you were insured. If not, fill out the form below to compare quotes from the top Auto insurance companies and save. It is very important to shop around for car insurance when shopping for a new car. If you re not sure whether you can or you have any other questions, call  (800) 811-2383. There is a direct buy option that will let you give a vehicle you want, but you ll need to decide how you want to drive it. The main advantages of this are low state fees and a comprehensive insurance plan available at levels you can afford. You ll need to choose your own specific plan. You may choose a plan with all the amenities, like a roadside service that you can get. If you re looking for a new car, it s smart to shop around for car insurance when shopping. If you decide to go with an insurance company that offers a better rate, you ll probably get the best deal. There are many variables that will affect the cost of car insurance when purchasing a new car. Your marital status, age, driving record and how often you drive your car.

[noahwells1990]

south carolina health insurance companies

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes from different companies :insurancefinder.xyz

south carolina health insurance companies

south carolina health insurance companies: You could be missing out on some of the cheapest car insurance in South Carolina. Mountain West Mutual Insurance is the cheapest for South Carolina drivers with only one at-fault accident and no credit in NC. » MORE:  South Carolina drivers with poor credit: The Mountain West Mutual Insurance Company is the cheapest for this group, followed by SC s Sagicor and Columbia. » MORE:  South Carolina drivers with a recent DUI: Nationwide is the cheapest for this group, followed by SC s ScrantHERIRA and Sagicor. Low-income South Carolina car insurance may be the cheapest for: Comprehensive insurance. South Carolina allows people with a low credit score of to continue covering what the state requires. Some insurers may not let you continue coverage if you have a moving violation, a moving accident, a DUI, a moving while acting in a non-juroring role, or in some cases, having unsafe. south carolina health insurance companies, you must register your car in the state or go through an expensive . The state doesn’t allow you to drive your insurance company’s registered car without proof of financial responsibility. It’s recommended to carry health insurance. There are many states that mandate this. There is no specific financial limit for these companies unless you are buying . The bottom line—insurance and insurance provider are one and the same. Health insurance policies protect us from high deductible health plan rates and the expenses associated with managing care from hospitalization and hospitalization. Health plans cover your medical bills after an accident; the out-of-pocket costs are relatively small. We are in the business of investing in the health insurance companies. This allows us to do our part. We’ve been the #1 car insurance company in Georgia for over 40 years.  We offer insurance plans for drivers under age 50 who are in need of affordable health insurance policies.  If you have an accident in Georgia,. south carolina health insurance companies will typically cover a medical discharge but will not cover a full reimbursement from the hospital which could amount to a much reduced payment from the state. This does not bode well for someone who goes without health insurance for almost a week. I am on my own. I am very ill. Currently insured, one month pregnant and being evaluated for PTSD. I get care 24 hours of surgery every year my doc told me my pregnancy does not count for my meds etc. the meds I need is about $500.00…and I do not have insurance. I paid $1,000.00 out of pocket and the meds are $600.00. In most cases. It is more of a price-control issue…and what many people don’t know by now what we consider – a perverted cost of care. In this case. I just have no health insurance. I have 6 months of insurance but now I am being treated for depression… and I just.

What Does Health Insurance not Cover?

What Does Health Insurance not Cover? Let’s explore what is health insurance and what does health insurance cover. This is the part to understand if you are covered by health insurance. If you do not have a health insurance policy, your insurance company is allowed to charge you a rate based on . However, if you are covered in the event of a serious condition, or that your ailment was not diagnosed with your health insurance company and was prescribed medication after you were diagnosed or treated, the company is legally required to charge you a lower rate for your insurance. If your medical records fall below these guidelines and they decide to charge you a lower rate, you will get to choose whether to continue coverage under your health insurance policy. When you have health insurance coverage, it is very easy to get a quote from an agent over the phone. There are two main reasons why this is such a good thing. Because no one else will have to do the talking, they aren t having to be in the office or you won t have insurance.

Recent Health Insurance Posts

Recent Health Insurance Posts: from . A. L. Hall is president of the National Association of Insurance Commissioners (NAIC) and was a member of the NAS’s Commission on Compensation Insurance for the last 10 years. He was the director of the NAIC and serves on the board of directors of NAIC, and was the director of the NAS’s Women’s Employering Education and Disability Division. An insurance agent can serve as the insurer’s liaison for these efforts. Insurance agents should do a quick cost comparison of what is required in your state so insurance companies are not forced to provide cover for consumers they do not understand. Insurance agents should help consumers like you learn about each insurance company’s coverages. They should also discuss costs and coverage options. If an agent is not a member of the NAS, they can simply contact their state insurance department office to be addressed by the Insurance Department of Insurance. Once it is time to file your insurance claim, the claim will.

The Best Health Insurance in SC

The Best Health Insurance in SC As we mentioned above, SC health insurance in the insurance company itself will depend on the state you live in, the area you live in, whether you know the laws of your area, the health care system in your state, and the insurance companies you sell all matter. All these things will determine what kind of plan you need. The only way you can figure that out is by picking the right one for you and choosing the type of plan you want to get and the price you should be paying in exchange. It’s very important to shop around for what type of health insurance plan you are after, and every health insurer must take into consideration how much you will pay each month for preventive care. All health insurance policies will contain three basic covered levels of coverage. These are the “basic level”, “non-preferred” and “pre-existing condition.” The “non-preferred” level entitles you to certain benefits and.

Average Cost of Health Insurance in South Carolina

Average Cost of Health Insurance in South Carolina for Every Driver What does the best of both good and bad: If your state requires proof of financial responsibility and you are caught driving without proof of insurance in South Carolina, you will be required to file an SR-22 for three years, and your license and registration will be suspended for three months to be eligible for other non-payment. Just for one example, drivers who have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, and have no proof of insurance is required to obtain an SR-22. So if you feel like you have plenty of time to show proof of insurance in South Carolina, then you can . Looking for  is one of the things that we have spent the  for. We can help you file an SR-22 with the South Carolina Department of Motor Vehicles. Whether you are thinking about becoming a driver or just looking to get started in finding cheap car insurance quotes, we are ready to help. Do you know that each insurance company underwrites a policy and.

What does Health Insurance Cover?

What does Health Insurance Cover? The Affordable Care Act (ACA) made health insurance coverage optional for every citizen in the United States, regardless of whether or not they were ever born outside their marriage. It also mandated that all health care organizations, Medicare groups, Medicaid plans, and health insurance plans must include and in the case of catastrophic accident coverage in terms of how they cover this essential and necessary risk. This added flexibility and freedom of choice meant that there really aren’t a lot of out-of-pocket expenses. Health insurance is not just for the rich and powerful though, and it’s really important to understand how a little bit of alliteration can make everything seem more attractive. The best Health Insurance Health Insurance costs aren’t all that arbitrary because health insurance is a multifaceted product tailored towards individual risk, underwriting and coverage. As a result, the pricing and benefits of a health plan are generally much lower than those of a small company. At times, this can mean.

FEATURED SC Insurance Agencies

FEATURED SC Insurance Agencies has provided many types of insurance products on which consumers have chosen not only to buy policies, but have become comfortable. Our agents have been very helpful in this regard. You are entitled to a quote for the insurance you are entitled to. Our knowledgeable agents, certified Insurance Agencies know how to help you find the best solution for your particular needs. We offer free quotes on a range of insurance and financial products. We also can offer services for property insurance (homeowners), auto, motorcycle, renters, business, business, and more. If you are considering this kind of insurance we would highly recommend you use a reputable insurance agency. These insurance companies take great care of covering clients so they are able to provide you with all the insurance coverage you need at a fair price. Many times it is simply difficult to find an insurance salesman and it’s not always a straightforward process. We look forward to helping you with your insurance buying needs, so call today and get a free quote.  Please.

What is Health Insurance?

What is Health Insurance? How do you pay out the money for it or what to do with it? In New Mexico, the Health and Dental Insurance Program is funded by a series of health care programs. The Health Programs covers health care and preventive care. The D Programs covers preventive care. The Health Programs also covers health insurance for residents of New Mexico, which include the most affordable health care policies out there. The Health Programs also provide health insurance for individuals at higher incomes. Health Insurance is part of the New Mexico health care program. It provides coverage for the following services: In New Mexico, the Health Programs offers Health Insurance to individuals: There are several benefits for New Mexico residents that come with the Health Program. But which benefits you need will not come with every health plan and the benefits of a health plan will vary by plan. The benefits you would like to understand about will vary by plan. One of the biggest benefits of a health insurance plan is the number of doctors that are in the network, as that is.

Best Health Insurance Providers in SC

Best Health Insurance Providers in SC: As an Independent Insurance Agent, I write and represent many of the good health insurance profits in Southern Indiana, including auto & boat insurance, real-estate insurance, and life, home, and pets. We are passionate in all areas of our business to promote a variety of health insurance products, to promote quality in the workplace, encourage individuals and families to stay healthy, and to protect the health and longevity of our family. To date, the Great Recession and the health care crisis have affected millions of people. As a result of the global healthcare crisis, nearly half a million people have lost their health insurance because of it. The Great Recession and the health care crisis have affected millions of people. As a result of the global healthcare crisis, nearly half a million people have lost their health insurance because of it.  Today, tens of thousands of people are unemployed.  This burden is being passed on to the American people, which means that more people are losing.

South Carolina Insurance Companies

South Carolina Insurance Companies: Car Car insurance doesn’t always seem to be so much one can be able to get an accurate and reliable information, and a good car insurance policy is not always about the best coverages, but rather about getting several quotes. In this guide, we want to give you an overview of the major car insurance companies in South Carolina so you have an advantage in determining where to start in your search. Here are the companies that you should be paying attention to: It does not matter if you’re looking for low-cost insurance, excellent customer service, or a high risk one, choosing to look at several quotes to find the best company for you personally is still important. That is why we will be covering the companies in South Carolina. Of the major car insurance companies in South Carolina, there are companies that cater specifically to different tastes, and you’re in luck if you’re moving to New Hampshire. To start, we’ll dive into the.

Related SC Insurance Resources

Related SC Insurance Resources For SC Homeowners insurance, look here to find the cheapest rates, comprehensive coverage, tips on how to choose the best policies and discounts, and current information on finding a local partner. SC Homeowners Insurance Requirements Must purchase insurance from a licensed agent or broker Only licensed insurance agents are required to be listed Insurance is offered via a local independent agent/broker/broker Local agents may be available for meetings or events Must be affiliated with the SSDI, a separate college or university Apply for SC Homeowners insurance online Apply for Homeowners insurance through If you have a disability insurance policy through your employer but you work for a private company as a home health care representative, then you have three options for coverage. Option One:  Option Two:  Option three:  Option four:  The coverage provided by choice (not Choice Mutual) is based on your employer’s business needs Option Five.

[omgktlouchheim]

Word Vomit Wednesday - A New Year and A Breakup

Welcome to Word Vomit Wednesday! A series of blog posts about a specific topic from current events that I, and sometimes the rest of the Internet, ruminate obsessively about. All thoughts/opinions/experiences are my own; I don’t claim anything that I write to represent anyone other than myself.

CW: Rape/PTSD

Hey all! The first month of the new year is coming to a close and I ended up taking a much longer hiatus from the blog than originally intended (my bad) and that’s partly due to a mix of a lot of travel, some big changes happening in my life, as well as this month being a very tough one emotionally for me. More on that later. First, I want to tell you about some of these changes I’ve been making. The most significant change for me this year, after living in New York for nearly 11 years, is that I will be leaving and moving back to Tucson this summer. I don’t know how long I’ll be in Arizona for, all I know is that I am viewing my time there as a Sabbatical to help me work on things I am passionate about, be closer to my family, and figure out where I want to go next. This breakup with New York has been in process for the past year and a half, maybe even two years. At this time I finally feel ready to make the move and embrace what happens.

I first started seriously thinking about leaving when I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and PTSD and was looking at it purely through a health lens. My thinking went, if my nervous system is overstimulated and causing me to be in pain to the extent of not feeling capable of holding down a job or just living my life generally, living in an overstimulating environment might be a major contributor, right? While that is true and perfectly sound reasoning, I wasn’t entirely convinced that I was actually ready to make the change. My logical self and emotional self were not quite at odds, but were definitely in conflict. My health became priority #1, but I struggled to rectify the idea of leaving New York when I still hadn’t accomplished what I set out to accomplish by moving here in the first place. Big dreams like being the first woman to win a Producer of The Year Grammy or having a creative presence everywhere from stage to big screen, to goals that society tells us we need to be, like being a fully independent human with a house and well-paying job by age 25 hadn’t exactly panned out as planned. I had to come to terms with the fact that me being able to live and thrive is more important than killing myself over standards that were set by those who would never even consider my particular reality. I had come so far and so close to having the career I wanted that to admit to myself that over 20 years of studying, performing, working my ass off to establish myself that this path was not right for me anymore. I felt like I failed myself and I needed to process that too.

As I spent this last year feeling pretty lost, I realized that the reason I’m even here and have gotten to do and experience the things that I have is because a 7-year-old Katie realized singing was awesome, that music held a space for her that no one and nothing else was able to when she needed it, and decided to dedicate almost every waking moment to learning and mastering as much as possible. I’ve been living my life based on the dreams and aspirations of a 7-year-old kid which is pretty wild if you think about it and also entirely understandable why, at 30, I would  now have different needs and visions for myself. I owe a great debt to that kid though. She had the imagination to dream big, the audacity to ignore those who felt she was weird and unrealistic, the undying belief in her own worth and potential, and the dedication to continually work hard at something she was so passionate about. That kid was pretty fucking awesome and I owe her a lot. I think she’d still be proud of me and unbelievably stoked by the things I’ve been able to do and the people I’ve met and been honored to work with even though I’m not the rock star she intended for me to be. Kid Katie, thank you.

Career and dream stuff aside, there’s NYC itself. For anyone who lives or has lived here, it’s really unlike being anywhere else. The city is so dynamic that it’s almost like another person in your life. That’s the main reason why I’m calling this move a breakup because it feels like the end of my longest, most serious relationship. In fact, it is my longest and most serious relationship. Once the thought of leaving popped into my head, I was all of a sudden being bombarded with memories at every turn. It was as if New York was bargaining with me saying, “But remember all those times?” Of course, I remember those times. Like any new mutually felt relationship it was the beginning of an exciting new world opening up. The newness, endless possibilities for adventure and success were intoxicating and even the challenges gave way to immense growth and opportunity. I was able to start fresh in a place where I barely knew anyone which gave me the freedom to shed old roles that I never felt were me and try on some new ones. There were really great times. And drunk times, times of being in sheer awe of where I was while walking through Central Park, the frustrating times of waiting for the MTA to get their shit together, great concerts, weekend trips, beginnings of some of my most valuable friendships, then end of some very toxic ones, and also some of the absolute worst times. Times that I thought would finally break me.

I’ve grown a tremendous amount as a person and have learned so much about myself as a result of living here. What I know about myself right now is, that at some point I went from living here out of excitement and possibility to living here out of fear of what a failure I’d be if I left. Not the best ingredients for a healthy relationship. I’m also at a point where I finally feel clear again about what I want to be focusing my time and energy on and the things that were once challenges here, are now obstacles getting in the way of that. So, this is what leaving New York will mean for me: I’ll be able to focus more and be more consistent with this blog, put up the accompanying podcast, and work on a book that I hope to turn into a graphic novel and have published. It’s been difficult to give what I want to give to these projects while living in a place where it takes so much time and energy to just take care of the bare essentials of survival. Now that I’m committed to these projects and have more clarity of a path, leaving for more open space and room to think and live is a no brainer. I’m feeling extremely grateful that I am no longer afraid to take that leap. Thank you New York for helping me arrive at this place.

Just as new years are opportunities for reflection and instituting change, we are who we are and we bring all of our parts of us with us into the new year. I’ve had some trouble posting this blog the past couple of weeks because my PTSD has been acting up. The continuation of stories and discussions from the #MeToo movement coupled with this month being the 4-year-anniversary of me being raped has been very emotionally and physically draining. As I write this, I feel like every muscle in my body has been lifting weights for 72 hours straight even though all I’ve done is read and watch The Shannara Chronicles on Netflix. Dealing with flashbacks, conscious and unconscious triggers, reemergence of uncomfortable feelings of shame, guilt, and rage has meant I’ve needed to be more loving and gentle with myself during this time. This part of myself and my experience is also still very hard for me to talk about.

Thankfully I’m getting better at healing. I know that these feelings will not last forever. Experience has taught me that I’m stronger than the shittiest moment that my brain puts on loop, and that gives me hope. As we enter 2018, I’m feeling extremely grateful, strong and excited. We all have a lot of work to do so, let’s make the changes we need at the pace we need. Let’s keep important conversations and actions going and discard anything that no longer serves us. Onward and upward!

  Katie Louchheim just dumped a f*ck ton of word vomit on you so, as a palate cleanser go check out her cool new blue hair on her Instagram @ktjlouch. Happy New Year!

Recommended Listening: “(There’s) Always Something There to Remind Me - Dionne Warwick