#you can only imagine how far down the rabbit hole I am

[apollolewis]

My brain works in an interesting way. I could read probably one of the most messed up piece of media and then go to reading the cutest most tooth rotting piece of media like 5 minutes later without having any issues transitioning over.

[outlanderfandomfollies]

Once again, in an attempt at a "gotcha" moment, a shipper overlooks an important detail, resulting in a total fail!🤦🏻‍♀️

Someone sent me a screencap of shipper SD's weird commentary on me** and my most recent fandom post. I know I shouldn't bother responding, but the insulting tone of her comments was particularly annoying--especially because SD had so cluelessly overlooked an important detail in coming to at least one of her conclusions.

Which Old Witch?

But first things first, SD said I was one of the "Witches of Mordor."🧙🏻‍♀️😱

How dare she! I'm not a "Witch of Mordor!"

I'm from Oz.😉

Hasn't she seen the header on my Outlander Fandom Follies Blog?

Hasn't she noticed my avatar? It's not just any old witch--it's Glinda, the Good Witch of the North. 🧙🏻‍♀️🪄😉

(Want to bet that some shipper takes what I said above literally, and claims that I admitted that I am a witch? 🙄😂)

When "Gotcha!" Backfires

Now that the "witch" stuff is out of the way, let's talk about the quote from my recent fandom post that made SD think she had found a reason to say "gotcha":

And so once again, I am saying "Really?" Not just for me, but for the small contingent of Tumblr Outlander fans who are not living in an "alternate reality," and who perhaps need to know they are not alone.

SD took this to mean that I was somehow "clumsy" in "inadvertently admitting" that "Shippers are the quiet majority of this fandom, or what is left of it."

It seems that in her "gotcha" excitement, SD overlooked one very important word in my comment: "TUMBLR." Specifically, I wrote: "the small contingent of Tumblr Outlander fans who are not living in an 'alternate reality.'"

I purposely limited my comment about reality-based Outlander fans to those on Tumblr, because hey, I was posting on my Tumblr blog--which is the only place I post about Outlander. And Tumblr is where most conspiracy theorists in the fandom (which includes the shippers***) hang out. Consequently, those of us who are on Tumblr and who aren't involved in conspiratorial thinking are in a minority. But that is NOT the case in the larger Outlander community outside of Tumblr.

Tumblr Outlander Fans Are "Special"

Unfortunately, because so many fandom conspiracy theorists are on Tumblr, the Outlander Tumblr community has a reputation in the larger fandom of being completely out in left field.

I'm not saying that there aren't any SC shippers or closet crew folks on other social media platforms, but I am saying that Tumblr has a reputation for being a place where "alternate reality" fans congregate.

Outside of Tumblr, the vast majority of Outlander fans aren't shippers, nor do they believe that S is gay.

Most Outlander fans don't even know what shippers are--and when they find out, they typically consider SC shipper beliefs to be very strange.

But don't take my word for it, take Diana Gabaldon's...

[Below the cut are some of Diana's spot on observations about SC shippers and Tumblr. In addition, you will find my rebuttal to the following SD insults comments--shown in the screencap below.]

"A Closed Circle of Positive Reinforcement"

Diana wrote some interesting comments on TheLitForum.com in Jan. 2018, after she was attacked on her Facebook page by shippers for having congratulated Cait on her engagement.

Can you imagine being so far down the rabbit hole of SC shipping as to directly accuse Diana of "creating fake news for money"? Can you imagine telling Diana that her congratulating Cait on her engagement "discredits" her?😳

Someone in TheLitForum then asked Diana if she had deleted the awful comments she had received. Diana said that most likely the comments were deleted by the person(s) who posted them, after some of her "700,000 followers" did not take kindly to the comments. 

I love Diana's description of Tumblr:

(I don’t go on tumblr—life is Much Too Short—but I saw a few of the first shipper discussions when they started a couple of years ago; it’s a closed circle of positive reinforcement)

Diana underscores how when shippers venture outside of their "closed circle of positive reinforcement" on Tumblr, they are often surprised and dismayed by the fact that most Outlander fans don't support their views. Consequently, they often have to run back to their Tumblr "closed circle" to get the reassurance they need to keep on shipping.

An absurd SC "narrative" is compared to--"Slavery"?😳

I'm honestly astounded by this part of SD's commentary:

I assume the "Ten (but soon to be 12) Years a Slave" is a reference to the shipper's absurd belief that S & C are being "forced" by TPTB to "hide" their love and their "family" for at least the past 10 years--12 years by the time the series ends.

Besides the fact that this absurd shipper "narrative" would be illegal if it actually happened in this day and age, it is beyond the pale to compare this fan-invented SC "narrative" to the horrific institution of slavery.

Please. Try having a little perspective here.

The "Orc Army" and "Normalcy" in Shipperville

SD went from her inappropriate "Slave" comments to complaining about the threat of the "Orc Army."

MAKE UP YOUR MIND: On the one hand, SD is claiming that "Shippers are the quiet majority of this fandom," and those who don't buy into the conspiracy theories are a "small contingent"; yet, on the other hand, she is suggesting there is a whole "Orc Army" out there determined to "fuck up every single shred of normality."

How can a "small contingent" also be an "Orc Army"?

Well, beside the "Orc" insult, in case she hasn't noticed, most of us who used to take time to debunk SC shipper nonsense have moved on. So where is this "Army"?

For instance, aside from my recent "Really?" post, It's been a long time since I've posted a stand alone critique about the fandom, or a conspiracy debunk. As a matter of fact, going back over my archive, except for my occasionally reblogging others' posts and commenting about them, or once in a while reblogging one of my old stand alone posts on the fandom, it appears that the last time (before the "Really" post) that I wrote a new stand alone fandom critique/ conspiracy debunk was NEARLY A YEAR AGO on August 13, 2023.

But even if there are still some fans on Tumblr who are actively critiquing the fandom or debunking SC "receipts" and conspiracies, they weren't the ones "to fuck up every single shred of normality" in Shipperville.

THE "NORMALITY" WAS MESSED UP BY "TINHATTING": Whatever "normality" existed in Shipperville was messed up after Cait became engaged to Tony in 2018. At that time, whoever remained of the SC "wishful shippers" (i.e., the shippers who were reality-based and just wished that SC might be a couple someday) pretty much were replaced or driven out by hardcore "tinhat" shippers.

And although tinhat shipping is ubiquitous, it is the bane of every fandom in which it takes root, because the tinhatters won't see reason, and some even attack other fans, the SOs of the celebrities they ship, and sometimes the celebrities themselves. This is why lots of celebrities don't appreciate tinhat shippers or tinhat stans.

In other words, the tinhat shippers were the ones "to fuck up every single shred of normality" in Shipperville. They're the ones who drove out any wishful shippers who didn't buy into the SC conspiracy "narrative." They're the ones who created block lists so that newbies couldn't learn about different perspectives. They're the ones who went and looked at blurry video footage of events like C's father's FUNERAL to try to prove that SC are still a couple.🙄

On Manipulation

And then we have this comment by SD:

Well, I'm glad SD thinks I'm "not an idiot." However, what on earth is she talking about by calling me "a Manipulator-in-Cheap"?

I have no idea what the "Cheap" is about, but I am NOT trying to "manipulate" anyone. I just post my opinion on my own blog from time to time. I don't go to shipper blogs and comment. The only reason I saw SD's post at all is that someone sent me a screencap.

I figured out back in 2015 that S & C weren't a couple, but that C and T were a couple. I had lightly shipped S & C for two months in Feb. and March of 2015, and I was heartbroken when I figured it out. But it was what it was, and I didn't try to rationalize it all away.

After C married T in 2019, and the MC was later obtained by a number of Outlander fans (including some shippers), it seemed to me that one would really would have to work hard to dismiss all the accumulated information over the years that does not support the ship.

That's what I believe, and that's what I say every once in a while when I post about some shipper nonsense that is brought to my attention. When I choose to post, it is usually just out of frustration with the fact that so many adult women keep fooling themselves.

MY ATTENTION IS ELSEWHERE: But I am NOT very invested in this fandom anymore, so why would I bother to manipulate anyone?

Four years ago, I turned my main CO blog into a general blog, with a progressive American politics emphasis. I also created my Outlander Fandom Follies side blog, which I use when I occasionally post about the fandom or Outlander and its stars (although I also use it to reblog posts for "romance" shows like Bridgerton).

Since I changed the topics on my main CO blog, I have gained tens of thousands new followers (granted, about a third of them are probably bots 🤖😉).

As you can see from this post, I like to make or edit gifs. But I prefer to make gifs about politics these days. You can see an example of the kind of political post I like to make here.

In addition, unlike the Outlander Tumblr community, the Tumblr progressive political community is very supportive, and has zero drama.

I have a busy schedule in my real life, but in my limited time off, I prefer to post about American politics. The Outlander fandom is rarely on my mind. So why on earth would I want to manipulate anyone?

Oh Please!

Finally, we have this little gem from SA's rant:

Like a good conspiracy theorist, SD uses any reaction others have to shipper nonsense to confirm her conspiracy theory.

When I heard about "Kissgate," I rolled my eyes and posted about it because I was flabbergasted that after all these years shippers were still finding videos, enlarging small details, and misinterpreting the resulting fuzzy gifs/ photos, in order to keep their ship afloat.

If any of my nerves were activated when I was told about Kissgate, it was the ones that cued me to roll my eyes.

Sometimes, unfortunately, the truth hurts.

I'm sorry SD if I have offended you by just stating what to me is clearly the truth.

I don't believe SC shippers are "crazy," but I do believe they have succumbed to a very "addictive" conspiracy theory, and to the community that supports that theory.

Good luck to you if you choose to continue to stay on the ship. My fear for you is how you will feel when you finally figure out that you have wasted years on the ship to nowhere.

[edited]

__________ Video sources for my gifs/ my edited gifs: Glinda gif; Gotcha! gif; Pizza Delivery & Fire gif; Orc army gif; Manipulation gif, "Oh, please" gif: 01 + 02 Closed circle/ echo chamber/ bubble manipulated image sources: 01 + 02 Other gif sources: "Wait, What?" gif; "I can't" gif; Eye roll gif; "I've moved on" gif; "The truth hurts" gif Outlander Fandom Follies blog header*and avatar image: The sources for these can be found here; note that the header is a manipulated image with multiple sources. Other image sources: "The Australia Brief" conspiracy wall image NOTE: All gifs/images above (except for "The Australia Brief") were modified from their sources. **SD referred to me with my old "CO" moniker, which is odd for a relative newbie to do. I turned my CO blog into largely an American politics blog 4 years ago. When I write about the fandom now, I do so on my outlanderfandomfollies side blog. ***I'm using the generic "shippers" in this post to refer to "tinhat"/ "extreme" shippers, who actually believe their conspiracy theories. I've generally left off the "tinhat"/ "extreme" qualifiers in this post (except for the section that deals with "tinhatting") because I don't think that "wishful shippers" exist anymore in this fandom. I've never had any quarrel with shippers who just wish that S & C were a couple, but know they're not.

[jeonstudios]

Boy am I about to rant in this ask lol

The amount of people who want them (jk, OC) in DC to be end game makes me question whether they would survive a serial killer in a horror movie.

Basically, all I hear is "yeah he was mean to her, called her names, told her she doesn't deserve to be treated nice from men..BUT he's hot and said sorry!" Like...you really missed the point. I'm not saying they can't end up together but my girl OC has been through hell and back with the opposite gender. She needs to heal first lol

Also I'm glad DC is taking it's time because girl you ALMOST had me not read the rest of the chapter when I read she asked for handcuffs.

I was thinking "has everyone suddenly got amnesia and forgot he was mean to her? But oh well he's being nice to her so let's jump forward to a relationship... 👏 grab the handcuffs!!!"

Honestly I really don't think as of now they should be end game but let's see what he does to atone for his previous treatment of her. Does that mean that once he apologizes with words or actions he can get together with OC? Probably not, but it's up to OC. She hasn't been treated nice or as an equal from men. JK is too good to be true to just forget how she's been treated.

(and now for my literature interpretation of this series so far lol)

I really hope the next chapter with jks pov can clarify some of my doubts because the complete 180 he did is so....I can't wrap my head around it. He insulted her appearance, her chest, that she doesn't deserve flowers...but now that he found out she's a SA victim NOW she deserves to be treated like a human. NOW she's a woman deserving of flowers 🙄

I'm gonna give him a crumb of doubt because at the time, his friends, who are the perpetrators of OCs trauma, were nice to JK.

It's hard to imagine that a friend who treats you so nice can have this horrible side to them and assault OC. Not only that but they implanted a false narrative of what went down and because they are so nice to him, he took their story for what it was.

It's easy to say from an outsider perspective "well why didn't he come to his own conclusion and investigate before automatically assuming it was true?" But we're not omniscient. We can't predict the future and this perspective comes from what is known now vs what little information you had then. And this can fall both ways like yeah he didn't know much back then but also he could've dug a little deeper but that's such a rabbit hole I will not dive into cuz it's a neverending cycle.

ANYWAYS, Now that he's got the other side of the story, WITH PROOF, he wants to get justice for OC and maybe even start a relationship with her (TBD), but how can you do that when you were also indirectly hurting her with your words that further pushes her to not trust men? That further deepens her wound/trauma/wtv you wanna call it.

I mean think about it, if you were OC, you were close to dying at the hands of a man who wanted sexual gratification one way or another, and then it kinda swept under the rug...she's never gotten true justice. And because the guy hasn't been put in jail, it gives him an ego boost to think he got away with it and rubs it in OCs face by making up a false narrative that everyone believes and turns against her, further isolating her from who she can count on.

First, by getting away with the assault, he's won, and now by having people turn against her and hate her, he's won again.

DC jk and all the things he's said and done to her, indirectly adds more salt to a wound that hasn't healed. Yet again another victory to the perpetrator.

So at this moment, a "sorry" and "I'm not like the other guys, I'm a nice person, I took a knife for you, you can trust me" isn't enough for OC to heal. OC even said how she wants to trust JK but after everything she's been told, after everything she's been through, it's hard to put that guard down and just trust him. Because that's also how she was assaulted by her previous partner.

So...with that said, let's see what the next chapter reveals because right now the plot is in the middle and it can go in any direction. I think it was a good choice for OC to leave bc that whiplash from jk being rude to the greenest flag ever might be a bit too much for someone like OC who's only ever had bad experiences with men.

As for the romance between JK and OC, let's put it in the back burner! Lets put these cowards in jail first and then we can talk about it.

My girl OC needs therapy...

Oof! Sorry for the rant but I'm ready to look like a clown if the next chapter completely destroys what I just typed lol 🤡🤡🤡

to be fair and maybe play devil's advocate, i feel like, to many people, jk has already redeemed himself. because we already knew he was horrible to her before, but he did apologize pretty sincerely for how he acted because he didn't know. and then he died for her (but survived lol) only to go on to rat all the rotten men at the station out and take them out, one by one. then he tried to respect her decision to lay low for a while (literal months) but had to check on her because he was worried for her safery. and then he convinced her to stay with him because of that worry. so he's been "taking care" of her while also working almost day in and day out on catching the ones who raped and tried to murder her (and him!) while also trying to "uncorrupt" the station. not to forget that he went to her friend and talked about reopening her case against one of their colleagues that drugged her, and he didn't do that to earn brownie points with reader.

so i think it's a little of "he thought she was the evil perpetrator but now he knows that she's the victim"? more like they not only assaulted her but trashed her character?

but yeah, they did feed him a false narrative, which he shouldn't have believed!!! so his first and maybe biggest mistake is trusting these men over the woman blindly when he's very much aware of the fact that men do stuff like this? so he definitely should've talked to her instead of just believing them and then going to such lengths to "avenge" his friend.

because yeah, even if he's shown himself to be a good guy now, reader can't know exactly why he's acting like he likes her. if that's because he actually does like her or if there's another reason. because as she's come to know him, she realizes that he probably would've told her if he thought she was pretty and was attracted to her. and knowing everything that he said, it's understandable for her to doubt if he has feelings for her or not.

so i definitely understand both sides, both the people feeling like yeah, it hurts to know what he actually said and how he treated her, but he's shown (actions over words) that he's actually a good guy and if he can explain himself and thoroughly apologize, there's still a chance. and the people who feel like he went too far and the wounds are too deep no matter how good of a guy he is now.

anyway, thank you for your analysis!! i really enjoyed reading it!! ♥️♥️

[pluto-the-chinchilla]

This is for a multichapter slowburn (extremely slowburn) he-said-she-said canon-divergent Red SolNep fic I have a lot of drafting for but will most likely never write. But I wanted more SolNep content so I decided to try and put some music to it. It’s not properly organized yet so the flow is jank but I hope rarepair lovers will like it! :33 💚💛

Track List~

“Falling for the First Time” by Barenaked Ladies

Sollux POV! The perfect song for his conflicting feelings, his back and bird self-contradicting mindset, and how he tries to pessimistically talk himself out of making a move. If you’re willing to be self-indulgent like I am you can see little Nepeta allusions in the lyrics. :33

“Kids Again” by Artist vs Poet

Both about one another. A sort of light hearted song being far more sentimental toward the other for their fears and doubts. Taking it in baby steps and promising to be there for each other and how they care regardless of where those feelings take them.

“Boba Date” by Kimmy

Nepeta POV! Just a cute very in character date idea for Nepeta who most agree would be a filthy weeb — plus she canonically loves tea! This could work for any Nepeta ship. I like to imagine maybe Nepeta eventually makes a little cafe in the new world for artists and writers and people just trying to catch a nice vibe. Bringing Sollux here only to tell him it’s all on the house… what? I said this was self-indulgent!!!

“Hot” by Avril Lavigne

Nepeta POV! Just a song for all of her big romantic shippy f33lings!!! The opening line is “oof” and might give the false impression that this is a more yandere route. It’s best to put “I wanna lock you into a closet” on the same level as “I could just eat you up” or something. The rest is her just gushing about Sollux and how crazy about him she is, wanting to do anything and everything with him. I like to think at this point in the relationship it’s actually been over a year since they’ve hooked up, Sollux is in a much better place in his life and she’s gushing over watching him thrive and how they thrive together.

“Emergency” by Paramore

Once again Nepeta POV and depending on the circumstances this could fit other ships, however this is the first song I feel especially world for them. In my head this is a conflict involving his past loves Aradia and Feferi (particularly Aradia; since while I love him and Fef infinitely more I acknowledge that Aradia keeps him firmly pinned in his grief) and Sollux is still going through the motions. He should be healed and over it by now he thinks but Nepeta knows better. She’s more in tune with her feelings. She knows how Sollux must have suffered and of course she knows she’ll never take the place of Aradia or Feferi and she’s not trying to — she’s never going to replace anyone but nor is she going to be a bandage placed on top of two wounds that refuse to stay closed. She knows he’s trying to move on but recovering isn’t linear and despite how Sollux feels like anybody who tries to be with him is doomed Nepeta both doesn’t see things that way and even if it was a threat that she thinks he’s worth it. He’s carrying a lot of weight but she’s str0ng af and wants to help shoulder it with him. Oofie this one was long.

“Broken Sutures” by Ultrakylstron

Sollux POV. I deliberately went down a rabbit hole of looking at nerdcore music to see if I could find a Sollux vibe. And this one is a little contrived, especially if you don’t know about Honey & Clover (which is a cute, soft, passively sad shoujo anime that I can’t recommend because it does that creepy thing where a child character design gets passed off as an adult to make l0lic0n more “acceptable”) but essentially it’s unreliable guy likes a cute girl who likes someone else. And the lyrics go into applauding him for moving in but how that always falls through and it becomes an amalgamation of loving Nepeta but also never letting go on what he’s already lost. Also the idea of her getting him into anime more his vibe is… 💋 chef’s kiss.

And… more… I’ll come back I swear but I’m on my phone and my eyes are sensitive even with blue light glasses. )X

[aroaceconfessions]

my sexuality is so confusing and nebulous and label-defying it's so frustrating

right now for the most part i just ID as grayaroace. not in the "experiences attraction but very infrequently" way, but in the "experiences attraction but it's very mild" way. that's where i get tripped up. there's more to it than that

i both like the idea of participating in sex and hate it. i enjoy self-pleasure, reading erotica, and imagining fictional characters in sexual situations (though i don't like going into too much detail with it). sex sounds nice in theory, but awkward and terrifying in practice. the part that freaks me out the most is the idea of someone seeing me naked, especially my genitalia. i think it's mostly due to gender dysphoria-- i'm transmasc, which is important context for most (or all?) of this

i'm attracted to women, and when i say that i don't mean i get crushes (though i think i had one once?) or that i ever care enough to seek out sex with any one woman in particular. but i am definitely attracted to them in a way i am not attracted to men. when i try to imagine myself in a romantic or sexual situation, it's with a woman. i do find women hot, find their bodies arousing, but i don't really want sex. i do, but not really.

see how this is confusing? i both am and am not, i both do and don't. i'm so envious of people who can just be like "yeah i'm gay/bi/lesbian/ace". i wish it was that easy. i wish my orientation fit into a neat box

i often go down tumblr rabbit holes of aspec posts and they only ever make me more confused. every time i'm reminded that allo people can also be sex repulsed i start to spiral, thinking maybe THAT'S what i really am, and my hesitation to have sex is because of my dysphoria. i have a below average libido too, which makes it harder to tell. it makes a lot of sense to me, but i don't know how to know for sure. i'm getting sick of labels because they've been so annoying to try to navigate. every time i think i've got it, the rug gets pulled out from under me again

if there is one label that i find myself relating to a lot it's stone butch. i'm pretty sure it's exclusively a lesbian term because that's the only context i ever hear butch in, and because i don't identify as a woman or woman adjacent i don't ID as a lesbian or feel comfortable using their terms. but the idea behind stone butch fits me very well. i only like the idea of giving in a sexual situation. i feel drawn to the idea of hand stuff and giving oral, but despise the idea of being on the receiving end of either. i don't want to be penetrated, but would gladly penetrate a partner if we had a strap. this definitely ties back to my gender dysphoria. it has me wondering, is there a transmasc version of stone butch? i've never seen anyone talk about anything like what i feel. all the transmascs i see online are mlm

it also makes me feel pretty insecure in queer spaces that, despite being queer in multiple ways (aspec + trans) i'm quite vanilla and almost hetero with my sexual interest. so on top of everything else i feel like a fake queer person. i feel alone

i don't know how to end this but if you got this far thank you for reading, and thank you to the person who runs this blog for providing a space for me to vent

Submitted April 16, 2023

[blindrapture]

THURSDAY JUNE 2ND, 2011 ("le bouffon blanc")

10:30 AM Oh my god, this countryside! LOOK AT THAT. That is GORGEOUS. I can only imagine what it’d look like with a blue sky, rather than a red one. There’s one problem, though. It’s oddly quiet. No birds, no animals, no nothing. I thought I heard quiet whispering for a second, but that seems to have just been my imagination.

10:35 AM I’m takin’ a walk. :DDD

10:39 AM a voice speaks to me Are those guys in the distance wearing outfits like mine? o_o do you want to see?

10:41 AM The others are calling me back. ..they’re looking at me funny.

10:53 AM You’ve got to be kidding me. Someone told these guys I had blown up the hearse. They think I’m some harbinger of death, le bouffon blanc. I’m not a buffoon. ._. They wouldn’t let me stay. They seemed to get more and more angry with each reply I made. I just tried to ask for forgiveness, to be accepted. D: They looked.. afraid. Now I’m on my own again.

11:00 AM Well, sign says Paris is this way, so at least there’s something.

11:11 AM I WISH THIS WAS EASYYYY.

12:39 PM Heeeere I go agaaaain on my owwwwn

3:21 PM This road is oddly devoid of all life, whether it be friendly or fucked-up. It’s been going for miles. ..well, I suppose it’d be kilometres. Still, you get the point.

4:46 PM I hear cawing. I’m pretty sure it’s the same cawing I’ve been hearing for a week now. What is it, though?

4:48 PM I see nothing in the skies, and nothing’s anywhere in sight on the ground. ..hate highways.

6:03 PM I’m pretty damn hungry. I haven’t eaten in a while.

6:27 PM There’s a house off in the distance!

6:39 PM Nobody’s answering. I’ll see if I can break in.

6:43 PM I’m in.

6:44 PM Ohhhh hoh hoh hoh. Dear journal, today I met the object of my childhood obsessions. No, not girl farts. I met.. a crowbar. Jackpot. >w>

6:45 PM Note to self: Don’t ever show anyone this journal. Better yet, just rip that page out before you show it to people.

6:48 PM ..this house doesn’t have a basement? Damn! I hope the next one I find will.

6:56 PM On the road again, I’m so glad to be back on the road again. That’s a lie, by the way.

7:31 PM Found another house. This one’s also deserted.

7:33 PM DEAR SWEET I say “dear sweet ______” a lot these days. I don’t even know why I was so surprised. It’s a skeleton. Did I not expect to see dead people in the apocalypse? Well, okay, I mean, skeletons are still a little.. freaky.

7:35 PM BASEMENT. Damn, it’s dark down here. I should probably try speaking en francais from time to time, since I am en france, after all. Um… ALORS! C’est tres, tres— comment dit-on “dark” en francais? Je ne sais pas. Well, that was pointless.

7:37 PM FILS DE LA PUTE GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU STUPID I HATE YOU DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE NO DIE SHUT UP DIE I DON’T CARE JUST DIEFucking skeleton. Came to life. Yeah, well, lemme tell ya, skeletons don’t react too well to having a fucking crowbar in their fucking faces. Yeah, who’s laughing now, pute? I had no idea I knew how to swear in French. I feel ill.

7:41 PM Well, I definitely went down a rabbit hole. Last time I checked, France wasn’t fucking Dogscape. Dog planet, made entirely of dog, ground is dog flesh, trees are dog bone, there are giant dog eyes and dog ears and dog tails and dog mouths growing out of the ground, everything is alive and writhing and That does it, I’m gonna go throw up.

7:43 PM The rabbit hole’s not one-way, right? I can go back? Please let me fucking go back I’m not going out there oh my god. ..Jordan, let’s be reasonable about this. We both know— that is, me and myself— that the rabbit holes act like… like, uh…. what’s it called, again? That place in Minecraft. That Nether place. Where every step in there is equal to eight steps in the normal place. So yeah, rabbit holes are like that. You won’t have to go too far out there in Fucking-I-Hate land. I wish Fentzy was here. She’d appreciate that joke. Yeah, Jordan. You wanna know what else Fentzy would do? She’d fucking do this. Dogscape wouldn’t scare Fentzy.

7:45 PM OH GOD I HATE THIS OH GOD OH MY GOD I’M SO FUCKING GLAD I’M WEARING SHOES FUCK YOU, BRAVE PART OF ME.

7:46 PM IT’S MY BODY, DOGSCAPE. AND IF YOU’RE TOUCHING ME IN A WAY OR PLACE THAT MAKES ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE, THAT’S NO GOOD.

7:48 PM SO WHAT WILL I DO, DOGSCAPE? FIRST, I’LL SAY NO. THEN, I’M GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

7:50 PM gonnabarfgonnabarfgonnabarfgonnabarf

7:52 PM DEAR SWEET MOTHERFUCKING SWEET DEAR THE FUCK YOU NO TICKS TICKS TICKS TICKS TICKS TICKS THE SIZE OF ICE CREAM TUBS TICKS THE SIZE OF ICE CREAM TUBS RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUNGET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE PLEASE PLEASE OH GOD PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE RABBIT HOLE PLEASE PLEAASE YOU’RE ENJOYING THIS AREN’T YOU YOU’RE ENJOYING MY SUFFERING WELL FUCK YOU AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Wait, I have a crowbar. DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE GO FUCKING DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

9:42 PM home earth life not covered in dog guts thank you rabbit hole oh god can’t sleep dogscape’ll eat me even though i’m back in reality i can’t sleep dogscape’ll eat me i don’t wanna be a part of it oh god

(The next several pages of the journal are filled with insane scribblings and words. “Dog” appears a lot. They stop by 11 PM, and are then met by today’s attached piece of paper: “There’s something magical about 11 PM. It’s the perfect interval between ‘too early, not tired enough to sleep’ and 'too late, will not get enough sleep,’ or at least it usually is for most schedules. And for those who stay up through it, it’s that magical hour when a lot of people are asleep so there’s a nice quiet air, but it’s still early enough to promise a whole night ahead. Plus as soon as the clock hits 11 PM, a miracle happens somewhere on Earth, and you can take that to the bank and no one can convince me otherwise! Then only eleven minutes later is when the wishing can happen. What’s not to love about 11 PM? Also the moment when the clock goes from 11:59 PM to 00:00 AM is magical too, because.” This piece of paper also has, in red marker, “F” in a circle and “Very funny! This doesn’t fly in Advanced Metaphysics!” written next to it. This paper was probably not intended to go here.)

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[niobe-loreley]

Heaven Is In A Shortcake {xi}

BEEN TOO DAMN LONG AHJFNHSAEFKJHUN to make up for such a mini hiatus on the fic, I'll be posting two more new chapters because I've got the next three chapters hot and ready to serve!

disclaimer: The Gray Man and the characters are NOT mine, even the reader. I only own the plot and the reader's character lol. Pictures used in the fic are NOT MINE, but only the edited version (u can msg me if u ze owner); credits to the rightful owners and canva + weheartit. Addtionally, I am not a Subic/Zambales native, so my apologies for any wrong locations, descriptions, or languages.

Six x F!Reader / Courtland Gentry x Female Reader

warning: moderate amount of swear words. some filipino dialogues. slow burn. fluff. trust issues. comedy if you use a magnifying glass. culture shock. word count check or not. slightly proofread/revised.

CHAPTER SELECTION is in the ✨Masterlist✨ Chapter 10 is nowhere here Chapter 11 is the chapter right now

word count: 2.1k (N/N) = nickname *Kiara = Claire *Kurt = Court *cover names = reader doesn't know (except you do know #wreckthe4thwall)

For an entire fortnight, Court has successfully not asked you. It is hellish to be in this phase, especially when he hasn't experienced it in his lifetime. Sure, there were people who would flirt with him during missions, and he would flirt back if it's part of his staged identity or the mission isn't commencing yet. And sure, he's shared a bed with someone— and he leaves after an hour.

But he has not asked anyone out. Nor has he had any volition to date anyone until you came along.

This is new territory for him, uncharted waters he never imagined he'd be able to venture. And you're almost like an alien; or maybe he's the alien because he doesn't know the first thing in asking someone out. What is being human, anyway?

Oh, yeah.. that’s how far he has spiraled down the rabbit hole.

"Stare anymore at her and she'll turn into a puddle."

Claire's teasing remark pierces through his thick skull and ceases his haywire thoughts.

Court coughs, noisy and awkward. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Now, that's just plain out idiotic and sad."

"Would you rather pay for the meal tonight?"

"I'd pay for our meal if you ask (N/N) out."

"Tha-That's.. that's not what's happening."

"Again, idiotic and sad."

"You're idiotic." he fires stupidly.

"You're mean."

"You're rude."

"You're a moron."

"You—

"You're watching Playground Insults live!" you chime in with a laugh, "What's going on here? I just went to get extra tissues and you two are fighting."

The pair beams at you as Claire kicks Court in the shin. You hear it, but don't address it, so you wait for either of them to say a word. But besides the music bouncing around the cafe, there's only Claire's shoes rebounding off Court's leg. And Court is smiling at you like nothing is happening.

You look between their grinning faces, and yours begin to falter. This is getting too weird.

"I'm gonna go," you uneasily say, waving before you glide back to the counter.

"You're gonna lose your chance." Claire singsongs quietly.

“Shut up,” he grumbles.

Seven days pass by like that. Every day Court contemplates and practices how to ask you out, while talking to you through the transceiver every other night. Claire badgers him that she can help, but he doesn't accept it. So instead, she suggests having breakfast and dinner at the cafe during your shifts after one week of Court's no-show-courting. Court comprises by deciding they'll additionally have breakfast on Mondays and dinner on Saturdays.

They did, and nothing has yet to happen.

It’s Saturday again, it now heavily dawns on Court that he is still at square one for two weeks straight. Even though he has no experience, he sure as hell knows it doesn't take this long to ask someone out on a date.

"I'll ask (N/N) out if you don't get your balls together and just do it." Claire snarls with a mouthful of brown rice.

Court is appalled by her vulgarity, but he doesn't chide her for it. If even Claire has reached her frustration limit, he's no longer at square one— he's down to square negative five.

"I'll do it after dinner," he declares, frowning determinedly.

She snorts incredulously. "I'll believe it when it even happens."

You're serving them dessert by the time they finish dinner. "Enjoy our delightful dulce de leche cake roll!" you beam and swivel around, only to turn back to them when Court calls you. "Yes?"

"Can I talk to you in private?"

"Whatever it is you have to say to me, you can say it in front of Kiara!"

He blinks at you. "What?"

You snicker. "She said that you might ask me something, so she told me to say those words to you."

Court glances between the two of you before settling to scowl at the younger girl. "When did you even have time to tell her?!" he demands, unsure whether to feel betrayed, horrified, or amazed.

"Doesn't matter," Claire wolfishly grins.

"So, what is it?" you ask, looking straight at him.

Systems critical— yet his heart starts drumming like it's in a rock concert even though his brain is malfunctioning from having eye contact with you. He averts his gaze to compose himself, quietly breathing in and out, he rises from his seat and stands in front of you.

What a bad decision. You're too close.

"I..." he trails off, reddening. "Will you..?— Um.. you see, I.."

Claire facepalms, both embarrassed and vexed at her surrogate father.

"Are you having a stroke? Just spill it out, Kurt." you laugh.

He notices Claire mouthing something at him—

If you won't ask her, I will.

Court gulps, gazing into your eyes, he tightens his jaw. Here goes nothing..

"(Y/N), will you go on a d—?"

"Honey, I'm home!"

A guy brusquely bursts in the cafe, Court recognizes his voice even though he only heard it once, and you facepalm to hide your pink cheeks. “Para kang tanga, tol. Sabi na huwag kang gaganyan habang shift ko pa,” you chide the guy as he strides to your side.

You’re like an idiot, dude. I told you to not do that when it’s still my shift,

He snickers. “Ba’t ‘tol’ tawag mo sa jowa mo?” and pecks you on the forehead.

Why are you calling your boyfriend ‘dude’?

You frivolously wipe the spot he shortly put his lips on. “Firstly, Erick, you’re not my boyfriend. Secondly, don’t kiss me without permission.” you frown and jab him on the stomach.

Unbeknownst to you and Erick, but knownst to Claire, Court’s world has ruptured with spiderweb cracks. He feels as though he’s the one whom you struck in the gut; he’s kinda debating whether or not he can ask you to punch him in order to wake up from this stupidly horrifying dream. But then Court realizes that if he puts his head through the wall to wake himself up, reality is going to seep in and burn into every crevice of his brain.

And reality is much harsher than the nightmare he thinks he’s in.

He’s a little too late.

“Court, what were you going to ask?”

Your voice, smooth like the silk strangling his throat, reels him out of his daze. Court tries not to focus on Erick’s arm on your shoulders and mulls over what to say. “I was gonna ask if.. there’s still some strawberry shortcake left for a takeout.” he replies with a small, forced smile.

He thought only Claire could see through him. But you stare at his tight-lipped demeanor as though you understand what’s happening.

Nevertheless, you don’t know why.

“Y-Yeah, there’s still half of the cake left.” you say, glancing at Claire, who can’t even muster a fake smile.

“Can I get two slices from that? One for you and me,” Erick chimes in, winking down on you, squeezing you closer to his side.

“Actually, I was going to buy all of the half.” Court interjects crisply.

There’s a heat in his tone that you and Erick sense immediately. You internally muse that it’s either Court is really adamant about having more strawberry shortcake or there’s something else amiss. 

“Forgive my dad.. (N/N) got him addicted to strawberry shortcake.” Claire laughs to extinguish the growing tension.

“Sorry, dude, customers first.” you elbow Erick’s side with a snicker.

“I’ll just ask you to make some,” he coos, aiming to kiss you on the cheek.

You shove his face away. “And I’ll make you pay for the ingredients.”

“As long as you get to bake me some.”

“I’ll make you pay for the cake, too.”

“You’re a horrible girlfriend.”

“Thank you!”

Erick grumbles about going to the kitchen for free food and strict, workaholic girlfriends. He’s about to turn, but you hop to your tip-toes and peck him on the cheek.

You face the father-daughter duo while Erick becomes a statue as though he made eye contact with Medusa. “I’ll be right back with the cake!” you beam, “Are you gonna pay at the counter or..?”

“At the counter,” Court replies, glancing at Erick still frozen on his spot.

“Great!”

Once the cake has been boxed, you escort the father-daughter duo out of the cafe. The warm air instantly decks the chillness from the cafe, Court wishes he can punch that guy you're dating just as easily. But the one who deserves a broken nose is himself.

This is what he gets for stalling. No matter how nervous and unprepared he is, he should've just asked you out. Because knowing you, you'd understand why he would suck at dating and liking someone. You'll probably laugh at him, but not in any way contemptuous, and reassure him that you can guide him in dating.

The only problem— the reason why Court keeps putting off asking you out— is: would you have said yes?

“See you two next week!” you grin and wave at them like a child.

“(N/N), can we talk later on the walkie? Here’s the channel and the passcode,” Claire hands you a folded piece of paper, trying to sound enthusiastic instead of disappointed. "Tell me all about your boy toy!"

“More like a boy tool,” you roll your eyes.

“Why is that? Are you just dating him for kicks?” Claire questions, quite enthusiastic.

You snort. “Dating is the definition of ‘for kicks’.”

Claire shortly shoots Court a pointed look, practically shouting at him that he still has a chance, and he turns his head away, trying to drown out her silent bellows. If that’s what you think while dating that tool, then what would you be thinking while dating him?

“So,” Claire intones, hesitant. “You don’t like Erick the tool?”

“I like him.. but not enough to say he’s my boyfriend.”

“Will you like him enough to be your boyfriend?”

“Claire,” Court says in a warning tone.

“What?” she snaps.

“You don’t have to answer her.” he informs you reassuringly.

“No, it’s alright. This is a ‘who knows’ situation,” you shrug, regarding Court for a full five seconds, you then turn to Claire. “There’s a chance, but time will tell. Erick knows it as well.”

You suddenly look at Court and Claire as though you’ve had an epiphany. Court becomes nauseated, thinking that you’re already contemplating on marrying the tool you’re dating.

“Hey, what do you know, that rhymes!” you exclaim with a laugh.

Court stands corrected.

“See you next week, (N/N).” says Claire, stifling a grin.

You wave. “See ya’!”

When Court drives the SUV out into the street, he instinctively glances at the cafe and sees Erick taking the tray full of plates from you. He’s telling something to the customers, maybe explaining his relationship with you. The customers laugh and remark it’s sweet, while you’re blushing and trying to snatch the tray back from Erick.

Claire witnesses the scene before Court harshly steps on the accelerator, rushing the SUV away. He switches on the radio, combing through the channels that don’t have any love songs playing, and Claire slumps into the passenger seat, crossing her arms with a sigh.

“This one’s on you.” she declares dejectedly and stares out the window.

Court grimaces. “Undoubtedly so..”

Claire turns to him. “I’m on (N/N)’s side until you realize how stupid you are for stalling,” and smirks.

“I already do realize it.”

“Well, that’s not enough. Unbuckle your seatbelt, drive really fast, and then hit the brakes so hard you’ll fly out of the windshield.”

“Why are you so violent when it comes to me?”

“'Cuz you’re always asking for it.”

A/N: uh-oh~ you, the reader, have a boyfriend guy you're dating. will you and Erick last long?

ANYWAY~ good to be back! how was the chapter? hopefully yall enjoyed it and don't worry about the next chapter, i'll be posting them later or tomorrow (probably)

Here is the portal to Chapter 12- except it's NOT still in the drafts NO MORE

✨TAGLIST✨

@kat-thepoet @queenofhellhasrisen @sierrasixwife @vallyb @lyuir @yvxcy @justareaderdude @sortinghats @sortingharryshairclip

*to those who want to be in the taglist, check out the guidelines at the Masterlist pls („ಡωಡ„) thankyousomuch

[still-a-morosexual-help]

TWST is set in high-school. Though Lenoa is and adult (20).

The game has canon ages, heights, hobbies, etc. If you want to read everyone's bio in game buy the R card's from Sam's shop with your gems after you've done like one or two 10 pulls. Or right away it's up to you.

I just finished the main story line last night. It is def more a grind more than OM. But I love the battle mechanics. And I love the story. Those chaotic good "villains" are all my kids I will fight anyone for them. The only thing that's mid to me is how the MC choices are in the story, but maybe it's just b/c OM spoiled me with their choices. (I'm not talking about romance, just normal story beats)

I hope you fall down the TWST rabbit hole! I think you're gonna love the lore and story beats. Also can't wait to see who's your favs outta everyone. And if you do character analysis.

-💙🐏

Ohh got it! Thank you!

And yessss! MC's choices!!! Like sometimes the choices you pick for MC has 0 effect? Like sometimes if you don't pick the right dialogue option whatever MC says is just ignored? And all I can imagine is MC just muttering to themself in the corner??? It kinda creates this disconnect in the game because there'll be scenes where MC might as well not be present. While in OM no matter how stupid whatever MC says is someone always replies and the game becomes funnier because of it

I am all here for the lore and to get introduced to the new characters! I'm gonna crawl into a hole so far my favourite character is that stupid cat

I don't think I'd do any long posts for it like I do with OM!, since this is an om! blog anything about twst will probably fall into the 'speak if only spoken to' category

[littlelodell]

Tag Game!!

ˏˋ°*♡➷ get to know me ༊*·˚

Thank you @happy-mokka for the tag!!

rule: name your favorite movie, character, animal, drink, song, season, book, color and hobby

This is going to be tough because I am highly suggestible & I will bury my favorites for years and then suddenly remember them.

MOVIE(S) It's a tie, and an impossible task because I can name about fifty films whose images float around in my imagination. I grew watching a lot, A LOT, of Westerns, British WWII films and movie musicals, and classic films of the 1940's...but here are two later era movies that I come back to, and influence me as a creative person. Honorable mention to Hayao Miyazaki's entire oeuvre.

The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover, 1989

dir. Peter Greenaway. Michael Nyman score.

with Helen Mirren, Michael Gambon (RIP), Richard Bohringer & Alan Howard. (and Tim Roth and Alex Kingston!)

Terrifying, horrifying, darkly funny and stunningly gorgeous. It's extremely violent in a very specific way to Greenaway, which I have a harder time with now, but it's still worth watching, if only for the scenes between Mirren and Howard, which are virtually silent. Breathtaking.

Der Himmel über Berlin (Wings of Desire) 1987 dir. Wim Wenders

This movie has EVERYTHING. Angels in dark coats, a library, Nick Cave, poetry, pre-fall of The Wall Berlin, trapeze artistry, moody smoking, Peter Falk as himself, did I mention angels? The final line gets me every time; "Ich weiss jetzt was kein Engel weiss." (excuse my German spelling.) "I know what no angel knows." In other words, love.

Character. In my current obsession? Our dear demon, Crowley. He chooses himself, but is honest enough to know he loves someone else. Silly, moody, been to actual hell and back. What's not to love? Plus us redheads have to stick together.

And of course, Kate ~ Taming of the Shrew. The OG bitch you hate to love. Runner up, Ariel from The Tempest. Gotta love a spirit that manages to be both mischievous and compassionate.

ANIMAL: Grey wolf. Canis Lupus. Their reintroduction to the wild is a very, very small pinpoint of hope for our ailing world.

Drink: Coffee. No contest. Black. Unlike Daffy here, I prefer mine iced.

Song: Currently listening to Yebba's "October Sky" on heavy rotation. She's truly gifted.

But, how could I choose just one song? I listen to jazz, 90's RandB, country, West Coast rap, deep 80's cuts, current pop, always Bowie, Prince, Kate Bush, and classical vocal rep.

"Will There Really Be a Morning?" Ricky Ian Gordon comp., set to The Belle of Amherst's poetry - a perfect song.

Season: Winter. But that's because I have to travel to get to a real winter. I love to (visit) the snow. I know, I romanticize it. I grew up in a place with brutal winters but all I remember is the Nordic skiing and playing hockey in figure skates and hot cocoa. Let me have my idyll.

Books, three, in no order, all non-fiction, or I will get too far down a rabbit-hole:

The Hakawati by Rabih Alemeddine

Sexing the Cherry by Jeanette Winterson

My Antonia by Willa Cather (my actual favorite)

Each of these authors have other, equally compelling titles, and you should read them.

Color: Shades of Blue.

Hobby: Reading, traveling, taking pictures, starting yet another language to study.

Possibly cooking, but I used to do it for a living, so it always feels like a dance with an old friend, not a hobby.

I'll tag @reloha and @risingphoenix761 but don't feel obligated at all. If I did this again tomorrow, I would have completely different answers.

[ofsmokenandgold]

1. How many works do you have on AO3?:

53

2. What's your total AO3 word count?:

335,362

3. What fandoms do you write for?

For the longest time I only wrote for Star Trek AOS; with a fleeting dip into Sherlock. Then this year I started writing Star Trek Picard, and that led me down a rabbit hole to The Musketeers, so now I'm writing that too.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

I've Been Chasing Grace Sherlock:John/Greg

A Vibration of Delight Pike/McCoy (ST:AOS)

Winged Desires and Veiled Persuasions Pike/Boyce/McCoy (ST:AOS)

Though My Soul May Set in Darkness Pike/McCoy/Kirk (ST:AOS)

Of Hopes and Fears and Twilight Fantasies Pike/McCoy/Kirk (ST:AOS)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I always try to. Occasionally I will miss one, especially if it's on an old story, but I will try to get to those eventually. Comments are life.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

If This is Goodbye (ST:AOS)- a canon-compliant Pike/Boyce story set around Star Trek into Darkness, it makes people cry. Hell, it still makes me cry.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Done With Bonaparte (ST:AOS) The Pike/Boyce story that is an alternate ending to Into Darkness, defies canon and lets Chris live.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not so far and I've been doing this for decades.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Smut is pretty much my go to genre. My entire Weight of a Man Series is a glorious smut fest - with a lot of relationship-building. I am a little more into hurt/comfort right now, but there is a lot of smut built into the "comfort" part.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I do not, I generally can't write in more than one fandom at a time and now that I find myself equally obsessed with ST:Picard and The Musketeers I can't honestly figure out a way to do a crossover with them (I know, failure of imagination).

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

My very first foray into fan fiction (long before the internet) was a round-robin story with three school friends that we kept going for five years (I still have the notebooks). It was based on The Quest - a very short lived US Western series with a gorgeous young Tim Matheson and equally cute Kurt Russell.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

If you look at my output it's clearly Pike/Boyce (ST:AOS). And they will always be my boys. But right now I'm all things Aramis and Aramis-in-space which has me shipping Rios/Shaw and Aramis/Athos and I think that will sustain my writing for quite a while.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I really don't like to abandon stories and that's why until recently I never posted anything until it was finished. So anything I have started on AO3 will get finished eventually. However, I have stuff in my WIP folder that might never see the light of day, including an early-career Pike/Boyce that is mostly written.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Details, I do details really well, I like to feel immersed in a place or a situation and I do that by giving as many details as feel appropriate for the story. Sometimes that requires a lot of research, especially for Star Trek, but it all adds to the texture of the story.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Adjectives - I use too many of them. I also have a tendency to have way too many run on sentences. Sometimes that's necessary for the pacing of the story, but I always consciously look for them when I'm editing so I can see if I can rework them to be more manageable.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I've only really started doing this with Aramis/Rios and I still don't do much of it, just to make a point. The context usually provides clues to the meaning, and if not then I write the meaning into the text somewhere.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

First - The Quest, and Blake's 7 - For public consumption, Star Trek AOS (first on Livejournal and then AO3)

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

Winged Desires and Veiled Persuasions (ST:AOS) Pike/Boyce/McCoy I wrote it in a gift-exchange for my fabulous beta, and it just came together and works in a way that stories rarely do. It's a perfect little threesome smut-fest with lots of feelings.

If you’re reading this and want to play, I hereby tag you with no pressure. 🥳

[antvnger]

((Just out of sheer curiosity, has anyone ever said you take this/Scott too seriously? Like when you say you and Scott are friends and are quantum entangled and things like that. You genuinely do act like you're friends, with how you talk about/to him (and vice versa). I say that in a good way btw.

But like I was saying, has there been a time where someone said something like "Scott's fictional, you can't be (real) friends" or things like that? Tbh that's a reason why I keep my passions and favorite characters to myself, because people will say things like that or just "you're being too serious". It can be frustrating because I want to talk about things I like, but then I get reactions like that.

How have you dealt with that, if anyone has been like this with you?))

((Honestly, Anon, the only ones who know that’s how I describe this muse/mun relationship is everyone here on tumblr, and so far no one has bothered to tell me anything negative like that. In fact, I have some people who will ask me how Scott’s doing or will ask Scott how I’m doing, which is honestly very considerate and sweet of them.

There are people irl who know Scott is my favorite Marvel character, but they don’t know about this blog nor do they know just how deeply I care about him. I’m pretty sure most people I know don’t know tumblr is even a thing, so I feel like if I told anyone about this blog, it would turn into this whole down/the-rabbit-hole explanation, you know? So I just don’t bother.

And I feel like if people irl learned about the quantum entanglement explanation, they’d either think I have a really fascinating imagination or I am potentially crazy. And the latter feels more likely and I don’t wanna deal with that.

So I guess short answer is no one I talk to face to face knows about any of this. And everyone on here has been kind enough not to rain on my parade.))

[acourtofthought]

Hi, happy Friday! I don’t want to bring down the Friday vibes, but I have a question. If Elucien doesn’t end up happening in the books, how will you cope? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an anti, I in fact am rooting for Elucien (and am rooting for Lucien’s happy ending over everything!) because the idea of them is just so cute and peaceful 🥺 this also reminds me, how are you coping with the fact we probs won’t get ACOTAR 5 for a while and will be stuck in these shipping debates for a while 🫠

Hello and thank you for the ask!!! I think it's always good to take stock of all possible realities so I don't go too far down in the rabbit hole, convincing myself that my version of events HAS to happen.

I would definitely be disappointed if Elucien didn't happen because SJM has spent an awful lot of time building the compatibility for two characters who aren't even together. Whereas she also sort of built up E/riel, she made sure to follow up all their cute moments with reasons why those moments weren't actually all that cute and she's gone out of our way to point out the lack of compatibility between them. But Elucien is different because while their romance hasn't actually happened yet, the entire narrative is how well they would match if they gave each other a chance.

But, I have never not liked an SJM endgame pairing.

I'll feel a bit silly that I somehow got all the possible Elucien hints so wrong but I'm pretty guilty of letting authors convince me that what they want me to feel is what I'm supposed to feel. If SJM believes in whoever Elain or Lucien's endgame person is, then I don't doubt I'll end up there with her.

The wait for ACOTAR 5 is more of a struggle for me. It's not even that I can't be patient for the book itself but not knowing whether Elucien is in fact endgame is tough. I think a lot of people across the fandom have invested a lot of time of looking into these books and coming up with theories (and of course who they think will be the endgame couples as these are romance books) and at some point you just want a return on that time spent. They want to either take comfort in knowing they were looking in the right direction or they want to know whether they should have been looking elsewhere. And honestly, sometimes the fandom brings out the worst in us all and that is sort of the dark side of enjoying these books. The getting into arguments over them, to the point that some people turn pretty nasty and we're left sitting here wanting confirmation so we can shut the arguments down (one way or another). I don't think it takes anything away to confirm who each spin-off will be about because everything surrounding the plot itself would be a mystery.

I only started reading the series in 2020, I can't imagine how readers who have been in the fandom from before that are feeling!

I hope you have a really fun and / or relaxing weekend!

[terramcgarden]

I gotta say the person I was this time last year; is far from the person I am now.

I spiraled down a rabbit hole of depression and anxiety like no other. I've always had it but this was worse.

But I realized... yes they hurt me... but what I do with these emotions are my own doing. I had to pull back.

I cut out toxic family... I was discovered by lost family.. imagine being in your 20's and your MIA uncle just discovered you exsist! How crazy??

Then you ask more family about your childhood only to be verified by them that your past really was that messed up.

I gave myself a moment to mourn the younger me that was robbed of a decent childhood. But then I stepped forward.. something 2020 me couldn't do.

2020 me was drowning in pain and misery while 2023 me has only walked forward.

I can acknowledge that my trauma is valid, while also accept my own wrong doings. I can break down and find the words to describe my traumas, while also able to reflect and realize how messed up some of my life choices are.

And yeah, It hurts. It sucks... but I dont wallow in that anymore. I dont just swim in it till I'm drowning. I know when to climb out for a rest.

I really wanted to share with someone my accomplishments over this. This has been one hell of an up hill battle for myself.

I still have a long ways to go. A very VERY long ways to go. I have toxic mindsets I need to work on, I have to deconstruct my sense of humor as some of it isn't very good. I need to work on expressing my feelings, and not be an asshole.

But for now... im glad I've made progress becoming kinder to myself.

I do have this community to thank as well. Sometimes you guys make me realize something that makes me self-reflect. From the wonderful fanfics with impacting moments, to the lovely fan art, all the way to the wonderful one on one DMs I've had.

You guys have helped me, even in a small way.

Love you all and now back to my endless dive of sun and moon brain rott.

[phlistopher]

Come back, Astoria

This is part of a series on my nomadic life following my divorce. Aside from the introduction, they can be read in any order.

The wind whipped my hair, slathering it around my skull. I was standing alone outside my family’s church, looking up the hill to the grotto where the Mother Mary statue stood. We went to a Protestant community church, even though my parents were raised Catholic, and they raised me hair-shirt New Age. My pants rippled against the wind.

The “church” was a rec hall the congregation rented from a convent. We hired a visiting priest every week to give the sermon, and took turns bringing wine and bread for the sacrament. The convent was perched on the New Jersey cliffs overlooking New York City. For a while, Gwyneth Paltrow’s aunt went there.

It was after Service as I stared up the hill. Maybe I was eleven. Wind, dark clouds, the manicured humble grandeur of the grotto and its winding approach; it dripped dramatics.

I lived in my head, a verified space cadet, as my aunt put it. I’d wander around, head down, too scared to look the world in the eye, lost in stories I told myself of saving the day from incursions of Saturday morning cartoon villains invading the real world. I didn’t identify with kids who saw fantasy as an escape. It was fun! Just an interesting place. Why imagine what you already see when you could imagine anything? Why then, did I always imagine a fight?

I was a good boy. Very dutiful. Unwavering dogma at home; things would have to work out if I did everything I was told. “This is my son, of whom I am well pleased,” my mother would coo, reciting the Bible, God speaking of Jesus. Escape was for lesser minds. I was too mature, too knowing, too far down the rabbit hole.

Everything I did and thought and felt needed a definitive ending. A purpose. An answer. Leaving questions open felt like a cop out. No, a betrayal. I had divine expectations to live up to. It was my destiny, an inalienable fact. And yet, I could still fail at it. I was failing. The gap from what I was, to what I must be, was immense. Of course it was. How can that gap ever be closed?

Yet that day, it all fell into place. I had claimed my birthright. There was no one else around to tell me otherwise. I lifted my head, eyes raised, invigorated, a hero. I saw my path—mine! It was snaking up the hill, to the grotto. I knew every curve. I knew it. I would meet The Devil at the top. There would be a fight, of course, and I would win.

I’ve known Byrd and Valentina for over a decade. Byrd and I met doing improv in New York, before we both burnt out. I ended up returning several years later, but Byrd decided he’d had enough of that shit, and became a school teacher. Byrd was always an encyclopedia, and emotionally intelligent, so I can only imagine he’s an excellent teacher. He loves Long Island pop punk, goofy, well crafted jokes, The Knicks, and golf.

Valentina and I met when she and Byrd got together. She’s warm and bubbly, with strong opinions and a stronger belly laugh. She has a background in illustration, and now works trying to make people’s lives better as a UX designer. She loves cute things, tea, books, and silliness.

Byrd and Valentina are lovely people. They converted their second bedroom to an office and exercise room, where they also have a guest bed. I was got to take advantage of that bed several times.

They live in Astoria, the same neighborhood where Laurie and I used to live. We were there for seven years, before Laurie’s art school ambitions and COVID moved us out. We would see them a lot, and I needed to see them again in this new reality, to keep seeing them, to develop a new relationship with the place.

I’d wander the streets, seeing familiar shops, restaurants, street corners, parks, all soaked with my past life, someone else’s life. Putting into context all the memories. So much time. Was it always good? Always bad? Always both? Why didn’t I leave, even as the whole thing crashed. Just trying, trying, trying to pull the vengeance out of the ghosts around town.

There are three cats—Peter, Bernie, and Chantelle.

Peter is the oldest, a grumpy tabby. He is a dick. He howls and tries to fight the other cats, and slops around because, as Valentina sarcastically whines in his pretend voice, “my life is so haaaaaard”. He likes to be pet with wet hands.

Bernie is a large, sweet, shy black cat, who mostly spends his time hiding. He’s very affectionate when he feels safe, which, in my experience, ends up being about six minutes a day.

Chantelle is the youngest, the only girl, lithe, with an orange coat, and a born hunter. She has her own time zone, mostly ignoring the boys, and is not very bright. She has a blithe swagger that demands attention without seeking it. She’ll often be in the closet, not so much hiding, but lying in wait.

There’s a big cat puzzle in the middle of the living room. It’s this big, plastic spiral, with clear tubes wrapping around it. Treats are put in the top, and the cats have to bat them around the twisting tubes through periodic slots to get them down to the bottom and out through a dispenser.

Chantelle was very good at this game. Peter was okay. Bernie would watch from under something.

While Byrd and Valentina were on vacation, I played the first few dungeons of The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening for the Nintendo Switch. The game’s art direction is gorgeous, recalling shiny plastic toys come to life, but with a human, lived-in warmth. The whole time I played, I felt a blanketing sense of childhood, in small part from the narrative tinged with innocence, longing, and impermanence, but mostly because it’s a remake of a game that came out when I was a child. Guiding the hero Link through the dungeons felt safe, and I relished the indulgence of the escape.

How long could I allow myself to stay in the fantasy, the enforced hallucination, the tunnel vision of solving imaginary problems, secure in the non-reality, yet aware of the indulgence, aware of the pushing away of the hard table in front of me, the unread emails? I craved the escape, and allowed it—we all need a break, right?—but not for long. It couldn’t be the last thing I did before bed. I couldn’t play in the morning before work, or during a lunch break. There had to be rules. I couldn’t afford to get lost.

I set out with purpose. I could see Satan’s face in the clouds, really see it, just about! I could hear his laugh, right there at the edge of my hearing. The wind grew as I crested the hill, painting my clothes against my body. Destiny, doom, extravagance, purpose. Fear scattered like insects brought to light. I glowered, coiled. My inevitability laid before me. The grotto, the statue of Mother Mary, the view of New York City. Giddy, I slashed the air with my fists. Again. Again. Again.

I was breathing hard. Satan stayed in my mind.

Coward.

The days were short, the nights were long.

I’d wrap myself in the thick comforter of the guest bed, pulling the covers up over my head to block out the first rays of the morning sun. While I slept, Chantelle chewed off one of my watch straps. Turns out, the watch didn’t need it, so I guess I didn’t either.

The strap is looser, but here I am, still in time.

[mearnsblog]

"Moana" (2016)

I've written many, many words over the course of this project. Probably too many words! But while I've been slow to pick up the pace on watching the movies during the past couple years (life is busy, OK?), I've almost always been quick to put digital pen to paper after I've actually taken the time to put them on. The process of retaining information and fresh thoughts typically works best that way.

"Moana," however, was an outlier. As I sit here now, it has been almost two months since we watched it. As always, part of the difficulty was finding time, but on this occasion, I had a little bit of writer's block. The reason? I love "Moana" so much that it's hard to adequately express it. I like plenty of movies, but it's unusual for me to have such an overwhelmingly strong and positive reaction. I might be brief, but I am going to try.

"Moana" doesn't waste any time. It grabs you mere seconds after the Disney production card ends, with a striking sequence explaining the backstory of Te Fiti, Maui, and Te Kā, concluding with the introduction of the island and our main characters. It does a remarkably efficient job of setting up, well, just about everything in this movie, and it instantly draws you to Tala, the narrator of this prologue as well as Moana's grandmother.

This is a brilliant setup considering how important Tala is to kicking off the plot of "Moana" itself. Our title character, of course, has her song about "wanting adventure in the great wide somewhere," as Belle would say, and make no mistake: "How Far I'll Go" is an A+. It's not hard to understand why Moana is so driven to explore while still wanting to live up to expectations as the heir-in-waiting to lead the village one day. Further, it's not hard to understand why she has such a strong bond with her grandma. John Musker and Ron Clements of "Beauty and the Beast," "Little Mermaid," and "Aladdin" fame directed "Moana" and it shows.

The relationship is obviously special within the movie, and I'm also not going to act like I'm an unbiased observer here. Tala is very different from my own grandmothers in her own way, but that kind of pure connection of love and trust across generations? Naturally, I relate to that. I would not be who I am today without Grandma Mearns, whose love of singing and cooking was dwarfed only by her only love of family, and Grandma Robinson (Grandmar), who lived just a town over and was there for just about everything that my sister and I did. She stepped up in a truly immeasurable way as we grew up without my dad, and she never gave a second thought to any of it. In short, grandma stories have a very high probability of getting to me, hence the difficulty in putting all my "Moana" thoughts all into words!

"Moana" has even more going for it. The Lin-Manuel Miranda/Opetaia Foa'i/Mark Mancina soundtrack is full of hits, it's really cool to see the stories of Te Fiti and Te Kā develop over the course of the movie, and I don't think I could have imagined liking The Rock as Maui as much as I do. On Maui in particular, it's a great role that allows The Rock to act as the wild card who can generously be described as skeptical of a mortal, and yet soon grow to consider her a friend. And Maui is far from a flawless character in his own right, with his arrogance gradually skewered until he can be worthy of his hook's full powers again.

I'd also be remiss if I didn't mention that my love for "The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker" plays a significant role in my fondness for "Moana." I don't play video games even remotely as much as I did when I was a teenager. As I got more and more into baseball, that left less time for solo gaming, aside from multiplayer ones like the ones in the "Smash Bros." and "Mario Kart" franchises. I think "Wind Waker" might have been the last video game that brought me all the way down the rabbit hole. The adventure was as great as any Zelda title, and I'll never forget the incredible feeling of sailing around the islands of flooded Hyrule on the King of Red Lions or its moving conclusion. The parallels are obvious to Moana and Maui's journey around these Polynesian islands, and the story even includes an underwater realm to briefly explore, too. The endings are all tied up in embracing the role of explorers as well!

I think I've gushed enough. "Moana" forever. It is one of the best Disney films that I will ever see.

Best song: "How Far I'll Go"

Updated ranking

1. “Beauty and the Beast” (review) 2. "Moana" 3. “The Lion King” (review) 4. “The Little Mermaid” (review) 5. “Cinderella” (review) 6. “Mulan” (review) 7. “Tangled” (review) 8.  “Wreck-It Ralph” (review) 9. “Frozen” (review) 10. “Sleeping Beauty” (review) 11. "Big Hero 6" (review) 12. “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” (review) 13. “Aladdin” (review) 14. “The Emperor’s New Groove” (review) 15. “One Hundred and One Dalmatians” (review) 16. “The Jungle Book” (review) 17. “Lilo & Stitch” (review) 18. “The Great Mouse Detective” (review) 19. “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” (review) 20. “Fantasia” (review) 21. “The Rescuers Down Under” (review) 22. “Tarzan” (review) 23. “The Princess and the Frog” (review) 24. “The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh” (review) 25. “Alice in Wonderland” (review) 26. “Lady and the Tramp” (review) 27. “Pinocchio” (review) 28. "Zootopia" (review) 29. “Robin Hood” (review) 30. “Oliver & Company” (review) 31. “Hercules” (review) 32. “Pocahontas” (review) 33. “The Rescuers” (review) 34. “The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad” (review) 35. “Bambi” (review) 36. “Peter Pan” (review) 37. “The Aristocats” (review) 38. “Fantasia 2000″ (review) 39. “Dumbo” (review) 40. “Bolt” (review) 41. “Meet the Robinsons” (review) 42. “Treasure Planet” (review) 43. “Chicken Little” (review) 44. “Fun and Fancy Free” (review) 45. “The Fox and the Hound” (review) 46. “The Sword in the Stone” (review) 47. “Atlantis: The Lost Empire” (review) 48. “The Three Caballeros” (review) 49. “Make Mine Music” (review) 50. “Brother Bear” (review) 51. “Winnie the Pooh” (review) 52. “Dinosaur” (review) 53. “The Black Cauldron” (review) 54. “Saludos Amigos” (review) 55. “Melody Time” (review) 56. “Home on the Range” (review)

[velvetporcelain]

hey. it’s me. your favorite mind fuck.

mommy.

dream girl.

my lips are chapped and I’m keeping myself from falling down a rabbit hole. but like the horrors kind.

no. not this one. where I envision hell on earth. is it to privileged of me to say that earth sucks. that middle earth— is hell. mordor was an oasis. lol I can’t believe this shit comes out of my mouth. My ancestors are probably rolling in their graves.

Can you imagine being a fucking Viking?! yo. like — life was HARDCORE. I think we’ve already passed heaven on earth— it’s been hell since the first bloodshed, and who knows when that was— it very well could of have been when god pricked his finger for a drop of his blood— a sacrifice for life so to say.

do people understand the Old Testament? I would really like to dive into theology- cuz why the fuck not? What am I afraid of to learn? Oh, adding new anxious horrors to haunt me? Everything has a price , when we learn about godliness we learn about the maliciousness too, and you have to be prepared for that. It’s doesn’t affect people that don’t understand- it affects the ones who do.

I don’t even understand it all. I think it is purposely made to be incomprehensible. Purposely made to make us make a fucking choice. The ultimate form of mass conformity. It’s very genius- especially when used at the beginning of colonization- you didn’t want rebels. Maybe it was a way to spread immense moral— made to try to explain our existence as humans and how we behave. What will tempt us.

what is it that we are REALLY supposed to learn from Jesus? I don’t believe he was/ is the only son of god. I think he was of high spiritual intelligence, one that trigger the ego severely. I can’t speak for the amazing things he has done because honestly, we all know it’s just not possible. But IN OUR HEADS IT CAN BE. ——— see?

I’m really getting kinda of sick of the enlightenment era. It’s now over saturated, it’s like a fixation- “everyone’s doing it “ —- no bitch, I’m REALLY fucking doing it. Crying in my closet like a real fucking woman. Fixing my own fucking face. I will always admit when I need help, even if it sounds intense, irrational, or ridiculous. Once said the mind has an opportunity to process differently. That’s just my opinion. everything here is mine. that’s your problem if you don’t remember that while reading.

if you have gotten this far — I like you. and all I want to do is spend time with myself. I wake up everyday ready to see what I got to show me. I don’t know- kinda rad- kinda terrifying.

it’s time for my beautiful mind to sleep. beauty sleep is for the wicked. and I like to say I’m wicked because I buy 44oz of sugar water at seven thirty in the morning — and I always ask anyone next to me if it counted as coffee—- ☕️ 🥤

until tomorrow mon coeur-

another day no instagram. violently happy.

-x