#you can actually buy DOOM cheaper right now

[just-tired-girl]

[everygame]

Wizard of Wor 

Developed/Published by: Dave Nutting Associates / Midway Released: 5/06/1981 Completed: n/a Completion: Played it a bunch? Version Played: Midway Arcade Origins

The Xbox 360 marketplace is dead.

Now, I know that’s a strange way to begin an article about an arcade game from 1982, but it’s the reason why I played it. With Microsoft shuttering its Xbox 360-specific digital storefront, I was driven to pick up any games that I hadn’t made a point of picking up already, and was surprised to find a couple of things. Firstly, that the Xbox 360 was, for me, largely a system I played before ever starting writing this project, and secondly I probably had about everything I ever wanted for it, bar things that I wasn’t willing to shell out for–and in many cases, those would remain backwards compatible on Xbox One/Xbox Series, which means that if I was desperate to play them I could buy an Xbox One for probably cheaper than you can get a 360 now.

What this meant, ultimately, was that I ended up going completely off piste and buying a Kinect for $10 so I could make sure to download a bunch of “Kinect Labs” games before they became totally inaccessible, but while I was doing that I realised I was unclear if I bought anything on the backwards compatible store after the old marketplace shut down if I could get it on my Xbox, so just in case I picked up Midway Arcade Origins, which, shockingly, is the latest collection to feature some of the greatest games of all time–Defender, Robotron 2084, you know what I’m talking about–and it came out in 2012!

It seemed worth a fiver.

Now, to quickly capsule review it: it’s… barely worth a fiver. It comes from the most bare-bones era of collections, with no filters or anything (though don’t forget you can run an Xbox 360 on a CRT. I did, for years) and to be honest I’m not sure about how good the emulation actually is. I also forgot that the Xbox 360 d-pad is absolute bobbins.

But no matter. I have it now, so I thought I’d play Wizard of Wor.

Designed by Dave Nutting Associates, whom I last had a run in with discussing their version of Taito’s Western Gun in exp. 2601, Wizard of Wor is a game that made me realise that I was probably a little harsh on 1978’s Fire Truck, because this is probably only the second co-op action game ever–and it’s a shooter. I mean Dave Nutting and Tom McHugh basically made Doom here.

Well, sort of. Really, Wizard of Wor exists in the context of Berzerk, which is really the first sort of hint to what games would eventually become. Designed by Alan McNeil, himself once a Dave Nutting Associates employee, in Berzerk you run around randomly-generated screens shooting robots and trying to avoid “Evil Otto” who appears if you dally too long. There’s no much to it, but it featured a synthesised speech chip telling arcade patrons it had “detected” coins in their pocket, and was suitably different from the more restricted, focused play in Pac-Man or Galaxian.

I suspect–though look, I’m just hypothesising–that Dave Nutting Associates felt they couldn’t take an ex-employee creating a hit lying down, and decided to do them one better, with Wizard of Wor similar in some respects but with more graphics, more monsters, more design, more speech (and good lord does it never shut up–though it’s hard to actually understand compared to Berzerk) and even co-op play.

Although fondly remembered, Wizard of Wor is… clumsy–and it’s not just that player one starts on the right. Taking Bezerk’s play but crushing it into a Pac-Man like maze with large graphics mean there isn’t a ton of room for manoeuvre, and trying to move your “worrior” into position–or even just around corners–is honestly rather frustrating. Enemies move around randomly and you don’t want to walk into them, and while the game (strangely) has a “bump” mechanic where if you are “between” spaces as you move into enemies you bump back, you end up having to turn corners, head away from enemies, and only then turn around to shoot them, and it’s slow.

The trick, really, is that the game doesn’t really work unless you’re playing it in two-player. While you can accidentally kill each other, the trick is to constantly play with your back to each other meaning that, technically, you should never be caught unawares. But there’s actually another little trick to the game–it features line-of-sight on all but the weakest enemies, meaning you have to rely on an on-screen radar, making doing things like turning corners even more dangerous (and annoying), so even then you aren’t completely safe.

The goal–such as there is one–is to clear each screen and when possible kill the bonus “worluk” creatures who grant you double score on the next screen, and keep that chain going, accepting that certain screens (“The Pit” which has no walls) and rare appearances from the Wizard of Wor (who teleports around) will act as harsh skill checks for even well coordinated co-op players.

The thing about Wizard of Wor is that it’s… fine. It’s just simple enough to make you want to play it more, but it’s also just annoying enough to make you want to stop. It’s very close to something great, but it would Eugene Jarvis who would get there, taking Berzerk to the next level truly with Robotron 2084 just a year later.

Will I ever play it again? That all said, if you see this in the arcades it’ll be a jolly old time in co-op if you can find someone dedicated to trying for a high score with you.

Final Thought: A weird thing about Dave Nutting is that not only is this huge name in the early days of arcade games, he also designed the Jeep Wagoneer, so is in some respects at fault for the rise of the SUV and global warming by creating a car that literally got eleven miles to the gallon. 

Hmm. Seems bad!

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[andsheoverthinks]

the number one take that irritates me on tumblr is (millenial) people using tiktok people as representative of gen z people irl. everytime something stupid like buccal fat removal or botox or bbl goes viral on tiktok, everyone on here acts like it's some kind of actual, real-life trend, instead of the usual echo chamber of 100 people max. you guys really believe all women below the age of 25 have a 50-step skincare routine, wear 10 pounds of makeup every day, get permanent makeup tattooed and eyelash extensions every month, wear fetish wear to college, have an only fans, and never repeat an outfit.

nO hOPe FoR wOMen! wE'RE noT gETtinG oUt oF tHE pAtriARchy! wE're DoOmEd!

relax. i'm old crusty end of Gen Z and only know one person on tiktok (childhood friend). i don't know anyone who's gotten botox, bbl, or buccal fat removal. i don't know any women who wear heels regularly or instagram-level makeup regularly. most women don't wear dresses on the regular! there's usually, like, 1 in 100 women who looks like a tiktok girl!

i see girls on campus with buzz cuts and wearing PJs and sweats to class. i consider myself gender-conforming and even i purchase and wear men's jackets, sweaters, etc because i have massive shoulders and you can get better quality for cheaper. i only buy makeup in the black friday sale because shit's expensive and it lasts me all year. some stuff i haven't replaced in literal years because i haven't used it all. and i think i wear a lot of makeup compared to most women i know. i don't wear eye makeup right now even because the suction from my lab goggles will make it all smeary and gross.

hate to be the one to say this, but TOUCH GRASS and stop acting like the unhinged tiktok echo chamber is representative of everyone in Gen Z. stop doomscrolling on the music note app ffs. the disdain is getting really annoying. if you want to see normal Gen Z people, walk around a college campus for a day or something. then make your stupid posts.

[demigirlboss2girlrotboogaloo]

I have this Ars Technica article pinned in my clipboard now because of how often I've had to cite it as a sort of accessible primer to why the oft-cited numbers on AI power consumption are, to put it kindly, very very wrong. The salient points of the article are that the power consumption of AI is, in the grand scheme of datacenter power consumption, a statistically insignificant blip. While the power consumption of datacenters *has* been growing, it's been doing so steadily for the past twelve years, which AI had nothing to do with. Also, to paraphrase my past self:

While it might be easy to look at the current massive AI hypetrain and all the associated marketing and think that Silicon Valley is going cuckoo bananas over this stuff long term planning be damned, the fact is that at the end of the day it's engineers and IT people signing off on the acquisitions, and they are extremely cautious, to a fault some would argue, and none of them wanna be saddled with half a billion dollars worth of space heaters once they no longer need to train more massive models (inference is an evolving landscape and I could write a whole separate post about that topic).

Fundamentally, AI processors like the H100 and AMD's Instinct MI300 line are a hedged bet from all sides. The manufacturers don't wanna waste precious wafer allotment on stock they might not be able to clear in a year's time, and the customers don't wanna buy something that ends up being a waste of sand in six months time once the hype machine runs out of steam. That's why these aren't actually dedicated AI coprocessors, they're just really really fucking good processors for any kind of highly parallel workload that requires a lot of floating point calculations and is sensitive to things like memory capacity, interconnect latencies, and a bunch of other stuff. And yeah, right now they're mainly being used for AI, and there's a lot of doom and gloom surrounding that because AI is, of course, ontologically evil (except when used in ways that read tastefully in a headline), and so their power consumption seems unreasonably high and planet-destroying. But those exact same GPUs, at that exact same power consumption, in those same datacenters, can and most likely *will* be used for things like fluid dynamics simulations, or protein folding for medical research, both of which by the way are usecases that AI would also be super useful in. In fact, they most likely currently are being used for those things! You can use them for it yourself! You can go and rent time on a compute cluster of those GPUs for anything you want from any of the major cloud service providers with trivial difficulty!

A lot of computer manufacturers are actually currently developing specific ML processors (these are being offered in things like the Microsoft copilot PCs and in the Intel sapphire processors) so reliance on GPUs for AI is already receding (these processors should theoretically also be more efficient for AI than GPUs are, reducing energy use).

Regarding this, yes! Every major CPU vendor (and I do mean every one, not just Intel and AMD but also MediaTek, Qualcomm, Rockchip,and more) are integrating dedicated AI inference accelerators into their new chips. These are called NPUs, or Neural Processing Units. Unlike GPUs, which are Graphics Processing Units (and just so happen to also be really good for anything else that's highly parallel, like AI), NPUs do just AI and nothing else whatsoever. And because of how computers work, this means that they are an order of magnitude more efficient in every way than their full-scale GPU cousins. They're cheaper to design, cheaper to manufacture, run far more efficiently, and absolutely sip power during operation. Heck, you can stick one in a laptop and not impact the battery life! Intel has kind of been at the forefront of these, bringing them to their Sapphire Rapids Xeon CPUs for servers and workstations to enable them to compete with AMD's higher core counts (with major South Korean online services provider Naver Corporation using these CPUs over Nvidia GPUs due to supply issues and price hikes), and being the first major vendor to bring NPUs to the consumer space with their Meteor Lake or first generation Core Ultra lineup (followed shortly by AMD and then Qualcomm). If you, like me, are a colossal giganerd and wanna know about the juicy inside scoop on how badly Microsoft has screwed the whole kit and caboodle and also a bunch of other cool stuff, Wendell from Level1Techs has a really great video going over all that stuff! It's a pretty great explainer on just why, despite the huge marketing push, AI for the consumer space (especially Copilot) has so far felt a little bit underwhelming and lacklustre, and if you've got the time it's definitely worth a watch!

I don't care about data scraping from ao3 (or tbh from anywhere) because it's fair use to take preexisting works and transform them (including by using them to train an LLM), which is the entire legal basis of how the OTW functions.

[blindrapture]

SO YOU'RE ASKING YOURSELF, "hm! VR has been around for a little bit of time now, it seems like it's teetering on the edge of my Circle Of Interests, I might not get into it yet, but I wonder how one could get into it? I know basically nothing about it and what it requires!"

I CAN HELP A LITTLE

See, there's two main concepts to keep in mind: PC VR, and standalone headsets. - PC VR is the "real" experience; you upgrade your computer to be super expensive and powerful, then you buy a headset and plug it in, and you can play whatever you want. Your PC is the actual "game console" here, and this is the ideal way to do it because it's... it's a PC, you can do what you want. Half-Life: Alyx is PC VR only. (I do not have PC VR yet. I rely on my brothers for that.) - Standalone headsets are the entry point. They do not require a PC, as the "game console" is built into the headset. Just put the headset on, and you're going. These are analogous to a smartphone, in fact the best and cheapest option on the market literally runs on Android. As a result, they are walled gardens; they aren't nearly powerful enough to run proper VR games, so instead they have their own app stores with downgraded ports (and some mixed exclusive content).

That aforementioned "best and cheapest option" is the Meta Quest 2. I have a Meta Quest 2, my dad has one, my brother Nathan has one. We keep seeing them sold in secondhand shops, the price is analogous to a Nintendo Switch. And the thing about the Quest is it's.. actually.. really decent. Like. You are required to connect it to your Facebook account, which is gross. But it is easily hackable, and one of the things you can do is hack it to no longer be stuck to your Facebook. Then you can put Half-Life 1 on there, and Doom 3, and Minecraft. There's plenty enough storage space for it all. And once they're on there, boom, you have them on a standalone headset. Pick up and play. (and, frankly, the base capabilities of the Quest 2 are fine enough too! browse the internet? check! YouTube in VR? check! Resident Evil 4 in first-person VR? somehow, check! fucking Myst? check! VR Chat, for chatting to your friends as cute anime girls in video game levels? check!!! you will get the substantial Wow experience of VR as a medium just from a Quest 2. you will also get bored of it within a week. and that's fine too. that's how it goes.)

BUT THEN, here's the clincher: a standalone headset, Definitely Including Quest, can be plugged into/synced with a PC. So, rather than invest in the 1000-dollar Valve Index for marginally better immersion, seriously, consider the Quest, it is considerably cheaper and functions perfectly fine as a PC VR headset. All you'll need then is just to upgrade your PC.

"But Jordan! The Quest is a Meta thing! I don't want anything to do with Zuckerberg's creepy Metaverse!" Y'know what, you're right. That is a very difficult thing to stomach. That's why I hacked into my Quest on day 1, and that's why whenever I do go on my headset I spend a lot of time rolling my eyes at the dumb milquetoast Corporate Entertainment vibes much of the UI gives off. This is one reason I do not use my headset much. Like, once every several months. And I can afford to have a piece of tech lying around I'll rarely use. I grew up like this, I am used to this and know how to work with it. That's why I'm not telling you you should definitely do any of this. And if you really do want VR but refuse to touch Meta with a ten-foot pole, well, Valve is working on a sorta Super Deck that is built for standalone VR, so keep an eye out for that in the next few years!!! Just. Y'know? For the VR scene right now, and this is a sentence that amazes me, Meta legitimately do present the most affordable and accessible option on the market. I actually have something like respect for this; they prioritized getting the tech out there and getting it cheap, because that is what VR needed. And, really, it's Oculus that did all the work; Meta just bought them, is all.

So. So yeah. That's my loose little guide. Best option is to wait for VR to get cheaper. For the impatient, best option is to get a Quest 2 for the price of a Switch. You can play it standalone, and it will also function as a perfectly fine PC VR headsset when the opportunity presents itself.

I ain't gonna pressure anybody to jump into this. I like VR being a lonely thing. It feels right. But there's the information for you.

"Wait, so if I do want to upgrade my computer for PC VR, what then?" Seek out a blogger who knows computer hardware. :D

[mst3kproject]

Bog

Imagine Creature from the Black Lagoon but made by the creative (for lack of a better word) team behind The Giant Spider Invasion.  That’s Bog.

Bog Lake is the type of little nowhere town that looks as if it ought to have a local cryptid, like the Flatwoods Monster or Mothman… and sure enough, tourists who come to fish in the lake are getting drained of blood by some creature with a chitinous proboscis!  The police are baffled, the locals are buying guns, and the coroner straightfacedly suggests it might be Count Dracula.  The only person who seems to really know what’s going on is The Old Hag of the Woods, and she claims that the swamp monster is some kind of ancient god.  Once awakened, it must feed on blood before it can return to the slime at the bottom of the lake and sleep for centuries more.  At this point, the viewer is probably expecting something like the Giant Leeches crossed with Cthulhu, but the truth manages to be even cheaper than a Corman film and, unfortunately, infinitely rape-ier.

Why does this movie remind me so much of the works of Bill Rebane?  The main reason is probably the 70s soft focus and the midwestern accents, but there are quite a few points that spark specific memories of The Giant Spider Invasion.  The movie’s heroes are two people in at least their forties, in which the woman is a more qualified scientist than the man.  The married couples we see are totally dysfunctional and dissolving in booze. A shotgun-wielding mob forms and chases the monster towards the instruments of its demise.  There’s even a middle school chemistry classroom that stands in for a laboratory (I particularly enjoyed the fact that this, which presumably represents a room in the town morgue, has a map of the moon on one wall) and science that starts out grounded in reality but then dives headfirst into bullshit while hollering “cowabunga!”

On the other pedipalp, there are also ways in which Bog is notably better than The Giant Spider Invasion, most of which have to do with the characters.  Admittedly, these do not get off to a good start.  The first people we can really be said to meet are two assholes who have come for the camping and fishing, and their wives who have come to complain.  The couples clearly hate each other and we can’t imagine why they ever got together in the first place, and each individual is kind of an idiot.  I won’t complain too much, though, because the crabby wives get eaten almost right away and the asshole husbands fulfill their plot function by bringing it to the attention of the authorities and then follow their spouses out of the movie.  Good riddance.

The real characters are the Sheriff, Ginny the Coroner, and Brad the Doctor.  None of them are exactly likable but they come across as the sort of very ordinary people you’d probably meet in your day-to-day life and while they’re not your close friends, you don’t dislike them.  Ginny is of an appropriate age for her position of authority, and her colleagues treat her with the respect she is due.  Her romance with Brad is clearly something that’s been going on for a while now and doesn’t suddenly develop over the course of a weekend, and the two of them are close in age.  All three of these characters behave in a professional manner and seem to have good working relationships, which is a breath of fresh air.  Far too many movies try to insert unnecessary drama by having characters who hate each other for no reason.

The best of the three is actually the Sheriff, who is one of a very few small-town movie sheriffs who actually seems to take his job seriously.  Aldo Ray used to be a real actor, and you can tell – he plays the Sheriff a with nice everyman quality and a great deal of integrity.  This unfortunately makes it all the more puzzling when the character suddenly runs off to fight the monster with fisticuffs and gets killed for it. Brad says it was in the Sheriff’s nature to do this but it doesn’t seem to match the sensible and down-to-earth characters we’ve seen so far.

I got the impression, actually, that the Sheriff was what was keeping the movie sane because after he dies it starts getting weird.  Ginny does some scientific tests that consist mostly of pouring coloured liquids into Erlenmeyer flasks, and determines that the monster is made of cancer and molybdenum. If either of these facts have any effect on the plot I missed it, although I did imagine Crow deciding the monster was his long-lost relative.  Then we get into how it reproduces and things go right off the deep end.

You see, there’s only one of these monsters, and it’s a boy.  Fauxilla got around this through hermaphroditism, but the monster from Bog prefers the Humanoids from the Deep route.  If you’re lucky enough not to have seen Humanoids from the Deep, its fish monsters have decided they need human genes to speed up their evolution.  The monster in Bog does kind of the opposite, devolving humans to make them compatible with itself.  It does this by injecting a dose of its own blood into the victim and the result is a huge clutch of transparent spawn that Ginny describes as ‘not really a seed, not really an egg’, whatever that means.

This, we later learn, is how the Swamp Hag knows so much about the creature – she’s apparently been its mate for hundreds of years! She dies attempting to warn the monster that it’s walking into a trap, which leads Brad and an ichthyologist to conclude that one effect of this infusion of monster hormones is that ‘the victim becomes willing’.  That is icky and I hope it doesn’t reflect the writers’ feelings about real-life situations of sexual assault.  The idea is intended to add urgency to the need to rescue Ginny from the creature.

Creature from the Black Lagoon never did give a reason why the titular monster was interested in kidnapping human women.  It was obvious enough that the Creature was supposed to be a sexual threat, but its quest was clearly doomed and it was not apparent why the women were attractive to it.  Humanoids from the Deep appears to have arisen from the brain of somebody who spent way too much time thinking about these questions and trying to come up with answers to them.  Bog decided its monster simply didn’t have any choice – there aren’t any other bipedal things around for it to mate with.  What neither of these movies realize is that the questions didn’t need answers to begin with.

There are things movies need to be explicit about, and slimy swamp creatures raping women is not one of those.  A lot of times, horror works better when the details are left to the viewer’s imagination, and the fact that Creature from the Black Lagoon doesn’t understand that it cannot get what it wants from its captives actually makes it worse. The writers of Saturn 3 did something similar with Hector the robot’s crush on Alex and while Saturn 3 was not a good movie overall, that aspect worked fine.  Going into the details just gives the audience an opportunity to think about how stupid it is.

It is worth noting that neither Creature from the Black Lagoon nor Saturn 3 felt a need to use the words the victim becomes willing, either.

The monster’s silhouette resembles a man in a fish costume he probably bought on Amazon, and it sounds like it doesn’t want to get up in the morning. I suspect that hidden in the poor lighting is something that would be a shitty movie monster classic on the order of The Giant Claw or the spidermobile from The Giant Spider Invasion, if only we could see it.  There are very few things I enjoy more than movies that are loud and proud of their abysmally cheap monsters, but sadly Bog doesn’t want to show off.

This is doubly a shame because a lot of this movie just drags. The bit with the scuba divers takes way too long for the payoff it gets.  Brad and Ginny’s makeout scene lasts way after we’ve gotten the point, whether or not it bothers you that the people doing the kissing are middle-aged. And anything with the two fishermen and their wives is not only slow, but annoying.  The movie is at its Giant-Spider-Invasion-est here, when everybody on screen is a repulsive caricature of a human being and you can’t wait for them to die.

There may be a slight 70’s Nature’s Revenge angle to this film, in that the monster is apparently awakened by some idiot fishing with dynamite, but Black Lagoon is evidently the primary inspiration.  Unfortunately, all the things that made that movie enjoyable are missing here.  The monster doesn’t look particularly realistic or well-adapted to its environment. Attempts at suspense are just boring and the movie is unnecessarily explicit about things that should remain implied. Bog is not a complete write-off as bad monster movies go, but it’s not all that great either.

[awed-frog]

Hi! I really like your blog, and you always have a way of saying things that makes it easy to understand. Yesterday I saw a study about how even though pollution is going down thanks to the corona-crisis, the long term effects of this is actually negative, because meetings are being postponed and thus societal changes are put on hold. Do you know anything about this? I also wanted to say that I hope you are still safe, and not in any danger from the virus

Hello! Thank you for this message and for your concern - I’m very worried about my elderly friends and relatives, but everything is fine for now. Here’s to hoping things will get better soon!

I’m not sure I can answer your question with any merit, but then again, I’m not sure anyone else can either. Everything I’ve read about this subject over the past few weeks seems to say things can go either way now. People will either be used to a new frugality or they’ll be chomping at the bit to buy golden toilets and dodo-leather watches. Oil production is either doomed since countries have learned to make do and Russia is squabbling with the Gulf countries, or it will get higher than ever after quarantine as everyone starts buying petrol at the same time. We’ll either have a frank conversation about clean air or we’ll catch up on meetings and things, happily sipping a Gruesomecino as we wait at the lights in our new I almost died I deserve this car. 

My personal opinion is that, on the one hand companies will push harder than ever to make some profit over this, which means things will go back to normal in a way, but on the other hand governments and citizens were scared shitless by the sudden scarcity of basic goods and medical equipment, so I’m hoping there will be a push to localize production a bit more. And since global trade and unnecessary transport of food is an important contributor to the climate catastrophe, that’s a positive development.

(But: in some countries, this will probably be framed as WE CAN’T TRUST THE BLOODY FOREIGNERS TO DO ANYTHING so that’s not good.)

I’m also guessing the potential food crisis looming down on us won’t be resolved in the reasonable way (ie, more sustainable agriculture, better paid and thus local workers, seasonal produce, less meat) but by an increased robotization of the entire sector - and, possibly, by larger investements towards lab-grown food. And this is the usual double-edged sword, because it will eliminate thousands of jobs and all, but at the same time, isn’t it better than the alternative in a way? 

As for the current lack of meetings - I’m not too worried about that. Scientists are still working and already have many ideas and solutions for the problems we face, and politicians do less damage when they’re stuck at home. Some of them are slowly losing their fanbase as it’s not that easy to make engaging videos from your couch, and others are probably realizing real life is more important than whatever bs they normally deal with at work; with some luck, they’re also observing people get very angry very quickly when they don’t have fresh bread and can’t go to the ER, so there’s a chance they’ll take a good look at what’s happening and do the right thing when normal life resumes.

In any case, I think there will be an acceleration of the current freakishness, because weird people are getting louder, but normal people - who’re the majority - are finally waking up from hibernation. Only a couple of years ago we had all that ‘We had enough of experts’ talk and now everyone’s clapping for doctors every night and refreshing page after page obsessively as they check for updates on epidemiology and statistics? That’s bound to be good news, and it will affect the environmental crisis. The weirdoes will become more entrenched in their positions, but the tide that had started to turn - oh so slowly, with banks proposing green funds and so on - will come crashing down in those countries which have elections soon. Some commentators are saying the recent news from South Korea are a good indication of what’s going to happen: people are fed up, they know something has to be done to save ourselves and the natural biodiversity, and they’ve now realized they can live with a lot less than they thought. In countries with sane-headed politicians and a fair electoral system, that could lead to more action towards Green New Deals. And if (when) those measures work - lead to more jobs, more growth, cheaper energy and so on - then there’ll be a scramble from other countries to get in on the action.

Possibly.

On the whole, I’m cautiously optimistic, but things will definitely get weirder before they get better.

[aedelia]

The Best Gifts

How do you thank someone for not only saving your friends and family’s lives, but your future too? Saying it is a good start, but Danny thinks a gift would be nice too.

               Danny was bored.  He was beyond bored actually.  Two days into Spring Break and he has nothing to do.  Sam and her family were off on a trip to somewhere in Europe. Tucker has relatives visiting and can't hang out, and Jazz has practically been living in the library to work on some big senior project that will be due when school gets back.  Even his parents were gone, some exclusive paranormal conference in New York, and they wouldn't be back until the weekend.

               Danny heaved a heavy sigh.  No ghosts had attacked for the last four days and now knowing the value of good time management, he had already managed to finish all of his schoolwork.  He listlessly tapped his fingers against the kitchen table where he was seated.  Playing Doomed solo was an option, but it's nowhere near as fun by himself, and it feels weird to play video games so early in the day.  He got up from his seat and paced for a bit.  He could go flying, but he didn't want to tempt the peace or any ghosts hanging about.  He stopped and drank a whole glass of water just for something to do. Hydration is important, right?  He resumed his pacing for several more minutes, wracking his brain for any ideas that could interest him.  He would work on a model rocket, but he had finished the one he got for Christmas over winter break.

                 He stopped in front of the fridge and glanced at the clock on the wall, it's not too early for lunch.  He grabbed a box of saltines out of the cupboard and pulled out a handful. Setting the box back on the counter he eased open the fridge door.

"Hey guys, I have a nice snack for you." he said as he checked for any loose ectoweenies.  He couldn't help the sad noise that escaped him when he saw the plate with last night's leftovers had been cleaned bare.  At least one weenie must have gotten out of the drawer.  He placed a cracker on the plate to lure the escapee from hiding.  Small, high-pitched growls greeted him as he slid the duct taped drawer open a couple of inches and sprinkled crushed saltine in the gap.  

                 The ectoweenies were kind of cute when they weren't eating his lunch. Jazz was by far the best cook in the family and he had been looking forward to enjoying the meatloaf again for lunch.  His musings were interrupted by tiny crunching sounds. "Aha!" he exclaimed as he snatched the miscreant up off of the plate.

 "You've had enough of an adventure, time to go back home," he dropped the weenie through the open gap in the drawer. "Ouch!" he yelped as it managed to bite his thumb on the way down.  Danny pouted as he stuck his thumb in his mouth to suck on the bite.  The returned weenie was growling its story to the others as he toed the drawer closed before using his free hand to reseal the duct tape.

               "For some reason, I'm not that hungry anymore..." Danny muttered as he inspected his thumb.  Thank goodness for supernatural healing, what was a bleeding cut a moment ago was already reduced to a light pink line.

                 Danny resumed his pacing for a moment before sitting back down at the table. He rested his chin on his arms as he watched the seconds tick by on the clock.

 ‘I have so much time and all I can think of doing is watching the clock tick.’  He mused on the irony of trying to make time and when he finally has some, he can hardly use it.

   ‘I wonder what Clockwork does when he isn’t pretending to try to kill me.  To think that he had planned for us to try to escape to the future to see Dan in order to set me on the path of overcoming that future.’  He frowned, ‘Even then I didn’t actually make it in time to save anyone.  It was really nice of Clockwork to not only save them, but to set me further back afterwards so that I could keep my secret and do some damage control.  I didn’t even get a chance to thank him for his help.’  He rose to his feet and started pacing once more.  “I really should thank him.  I think I remember where his lair is.  It might take an hour or two of flying if nothing interferes… Should I just show up?  That seems kind’ve rude.  Maybe I should get him a gift?  Thanks for saving my family and friends, and you know, not killing me when you could have.  Yeah I should definitely bring a gift, that would be the polite thing when just showing up at someone’s home.”  His pacing slowed as his thoughts deepened.

                 “But what gift do you give the ghost who can control time?  And also saved you and your family from terrible fates... He said time is like a parade that he watches from above but it was more like he was helping to direct the parade than just watching.”  Danny grinned in delight as inspiration struck, “I know the perfect thing!” he said as he dashed out the door at a quarter to eleven, patting his pocket to check for his wallet as he went.

                                                            -----

               A quick scooter ride later and he was at the outlet stores by the mall. He looked fondly at the video game store before parking his scooter and walking into the music store.  He browsed around the aisles, poking at one or two of the display instruments. ‘I remember when we came here so Jazz could pick an instrument in Middle School; I don’t think she’s played since then.’  

 When the lady at the desk finished with her short line of customers (mostly band kids buying reeds or random accessories), Danny popped out from the shelves to ask her, “Hey, do you guys have the kind of baton that bands use in parades?  I’m looking for a gift for a conductor I know.”

   She pursed her lips in thought before sliding her chair over to her computer next to the register.  “Hang on; let me see if we have anything like that in stock.”  Danny tried to keep from fidgeting as she spent a couple of minutes typing and clicking away at the computer.  He was trying to decide whether or not to scratch his nose when she turned back to him.

  “So we don’t have anything like that in the store right now.  You could special order one if you’d like but that would take a while and unless you wanted a gag gift, would be pretty expensive…” At his crestfallen expression she continued, “However, if you would like to get your conductor friend a conducting baton, a good quality one runes about $20-30 and we have a nice selection I can show you.”  

 Danny’s face lit up, “It’s not my first idea, but that would be just as good!”  The store clerk smiled at him and standing from her computer chair, she led him to one of the display cases by the register.

   “These are arranged by price and material.  This side is the lower end and is mostly fiberglass and cheaper wood or rubber,” she said, gesturing to Danny’s left, “and these are the nicer, more durable ones to your right.  My favorite is the rosewood style right there.”  She pointed to a medium priced baton with a nice reddish wooden bulb.

 “Tell you what, since this is for a gift, if you get one of the wooden ones I’ll engrave a name for you for free.”  

 Danny grinned at her, “That rosewood one you pointed out would be great!  For the name, could you put it as Clockwork?”

 She smiled back at him and chuckled a little, “As in, when they’re conducting everything runs like clockwork?”

 “Yeah kinda like that, it’s a nickname, so could you capitalize the C?”

 “Of course, that’ll be $25.96 after tax.”

 Danny paid her and watched as she pulled a slim case from below the counter.  She popped the end cap off and pulled out the new baton.  

 “Looks to be in perfect shape, give me a minute and I’ll have the name engraved for you.”  She picked up a small tool slightly thicker and longer than a pen and flipped a switch on the side.  A low buzzing filled Danny’s ears as she carefully engraved the name on the shaft in neat handwriting.  The tip of her tongue was sticking out of her mouth as she concentrated.   She flipped the tool off and stowed it out of sight before blowing on the engraving to help cool it and to remove any dust.  She waved it a couple of times before neatly sliding it back into the case and handing it to him.

 “There you go, one personalized baton for your friend!” she chirped.

 “Thank you so much, I’m sure he’ll like it!” Danny effused before heading out the door with a wave to the friendly salesperson. He retrieved his scooter and helmet and headed back to Fentonworks.  The whole trip only took about half an hour.

                                                           -----

Once back at home, Danny stowed his scooter and made a quick stop back in the kitchen. He slapped together a peanut butter sandwich so he wouldn’t have to deal with the ectoweenies again.  He scarfed it and washed it down with another glass of water.

“Ok!” he said, talking aloud to help psyche himself up.  “I should leave a note for Jazz somewhere in case I’m out when she gets home, and then I need to store the gift in my ghost space pocket so I don’t lose it on the trip.  I think that’s everything,” he said with his arms crossed and tapping his fingers against his elbow.  He nodded and then reached for the notepad next to the fridge to write out a quick note for his sister.

‘Hey Jazz, I’m going for a visit to see Clockwork, he’s the guy who helped me out during the CAT stuff.  Nothing is wrong.  I’m going to thank him and probably visit for a bit.  Don’t know how long it’ll take but don’t worry if I’m not home yet.’

“She’ll probably still worry and tell me that it’s her job as my big sister, but at least she’ll know I wasn’t kidnapped or something.  This should keep her from looking for me too.  She’s not going to go searching for me in the ghost zone unless I’m gone a really long time.”

He put the note in the middle of the table then grabbed the gift and lightly skipped down the stairs to the lab.  A quick flash of light and Danny tucked the slim case into the special space pocket where he normally keeps his thermos and cell phone.  Discovering that ability had made his ghost fighting a lot simpler, no more racing to his locker to grab a thermos or trying to discreetly pull it from his bag when he says he’s going to the bathroom.  He still keeps a spare in his locker and under his bed.  Sam and Tucker both keep a few too.  It never hurts to be prepared, especially when it comes to ghost fighting.

               He pulled off his glove and unlocked the portal.  It was kind’ve funny that his DNA was still recognizable to the Fenton scanner in ghost form.  After pulling his glove back on, he slipped through the portal and was on his way.

                                                            -----

Danny hummed cheerfully as he flew through the green and purple mists of the ghost zone.  He had been so bored, but he found the perfect thing to do!  Even better, since his parents weren’t home, he won’t have to worry about being locked in the zone.  

               He did a loop and waved at some cute blob ghosts before significantly increasing his speed.  ‘I might be able to shave off some of my travel time if I fly near top speed, it’ll be good exercise too.’

               Danny continued to increase his flight speed until his surroundings blurred and he weaved among the floating islands, rocks, and other debris with minute adjustments to his path.  Amazingly enough, he didn’t encounter any ghosts itching for a fight. ‘Maybe it’s because I’m in the Zone, most ghosts that come through the portal have some sort of goal.  Most in the Ghost Zone just want to be left alone.  It could also be partly the speed I’ve been going, harder for anyone to try to fight me if I’m already gone by time they notice me.’

               He slowed his pace down as the floating gears that fill the space near Clockwork’s lair began to appear.  ‘I wonder where all these gears come from.  He does have a lot of clocks.  Maybe he used to have more?  I can always ask him later if the visit goes well.’  Danny gently touched down in front of the large door to the lair.  He took a deep breath, thinking, ‘I hope he doesn’t mind a visit.  Of course he probably already knows I’m coming here, but still.’ and then firmly clanged the doorknocker.  

A few seconds passed and then Clockwork opened the door with a slight smile, “Daniel.  Please come in.,” he said while beckoning with his free arm.

“I hope it’s ok that I just showed up.” Danny said as he stepped into Clockwork’s lair for the second time.  

“It’s perfectly alright.  You are welcome here Daniel, I can always make time for you.” Clockwork replied as he closed the door behind them.

‘Did he just make a pun?’ Danny wondered, pausing in his surprise before following Clockwork into a lounge area that he hadn’t seen on his initial visit. ‘Not that I really had much time to look around with everything going on and Clockwork manipulating us for a better future. On the subject of that diverted timeline, I shouldn’t forget what brought me here in the first place.’

Clockwork, currently in adult form, had stopped and was now floating by a flat gear suspended at coffee table height.

“Clockwork,” Danny said, “I really want to thank you for your help with that horrible future.  I really appreciate that not only did you save my friends and family; you also gave me a second chance to fix my relationship with Mr. Lancer about the cheating thing.  He let me retake the test and actually let me study for it during detentions.  He even answered questions that I had about the material!” Danny paused to take a breath, “To show my gratitude for your help and to say thank you for giving me a chance, I got this for you.”  He rotated his arm slightly to reach into his sub-pocket and pulled out the slim case holding the engraved baton.

               As he handed it to Clockwork he said, “It’s not much but I was thinking about how you said you see time like a parade that you’re watching from above, it felt more like you were directing the parade a bit and I’m really glad you kept it from marching off a cliff…”  Danny trailed off, halting his ramblings as Clockwork opened the case and gently withdrew the baton.  He phased to his older form as he lightly ran his gloved fingers over the engraving of his name.  

“It is a lovely gift, thank you Daniel.  It is very thoughtful and especially fitting in your case.  I will cherish it.,” he said as he slid it into an invisible pocket up his sleeve.  “I am glad that you decided to come by.  Due to my actions on your behalf, I have been given charge and responsibility for you.  Think of me as your ghostly guardian, or mentor.  You should feel free to visit me anytime, whether you have questions, are looking for advice, or just want to spend time in a safe place. Cookie?” he offered as he switched to his child form.

               Danny was sure his jaw was hanging loose as Clockwork finished informing him of their new potential relationship.  Given that he was currently in ghost form, that could be a lot more literal than normal.  He was still trying to process this bombshell when his whole train of thought derailed at the sight of the cookie that Clockwork was holding out to him.

“That cookie is green.  And glowing.” he said as he cautiously reached out for it.

“Of course it is, “Clockwork replied, “The flour was soaked in raw ectoplasm before it was baked.”

Danny looked slightly repulsed but curious as he examined the cookie now in his hand, “Is it safe for me to eat?” he asked.

“Yes it is, and actually, on the subject of nutrition,” Clockwork said, phasing back to his adult form once again, “You need to increase your ectoplasm intake if you want to remain healthy while using your powers.  The easiest ways for you to do this would be to accept it into your diet, such as with these cookies,” he gestured towards the still uneaten cookie in Danny’s hand, “or you can absorb ambient energy from spending time in the Ghost Zone.”

“Wow, you’re being a lot more straight forward now than when you helped save the future.” Danny remarked.

“When I helped you, my hands were tied by my employers; they wanted me to eliminate you instead of solving the root of the problem. Now that I have responsibility for both you and the alternate phantom, I am able to directly advise you when you have a problem as opposed to the convoluted run around that was necessary to keep the Observants from interfering further.”  He shifted to his elder form and concluded with, “Maybe they wouldn’t be so shortsighted if they had two eyes instead of just one.”

               Danny smiled slightly at the dig at the pretentious eyeballs.  He had encountered them a few times while exploring the zone but hadn’t known what their jobs were at the time.  “I know I promised that I’ll never turn into Dan, and I’m planning on always keeping my promise! But, is there anything that I need to watch out for to keep everything on track?”

“Do not worry.  The actions that you have taken and the choices that you have made have decisively prevented you from ever becoming Dan.  You have committed yourself to doing what is right, and remember, Dan was not just you, he was a combination of Phantom and Plasmius.  You have nothing to worry about as long as you keep going as you have been. Eat your cookie.”

               Danny nibbled at his cookie and was surprised that it tasted really good to him.  It was a sugar cookie with a lemon-lime aftertaste that somehow worked really well.  As he finished the cookie, he realized that it satisfied a craving that he hadn’t realized he had.  Like finally scratching an itch.  Danny ate another ecto-cookie from the plate on the table as Clockwork looked on in his child form.

“So I can visit tomorrow too?” Danny asked.

“Of course you may Daniel, you are welcome here any,” he paused and smirked slightly, “…time.” he finished, shifting to adult form.

               Danny grinned at him, Clockwork liked puns too!  He floated over to the older ghost and tentatively reached for a hug. Clockwork did not hesitate in holding him tight and completing the embrace.

“You are a good and precious child; I already am anticipating your next visit.  Unfortunately, you will need to be leaving soon if you do not want your sister to form a search party.  She has finished early at the library and will be heading for home shortly.”

               Danny hid his smile against Clockwork’s chest as he felt his hair being ruffled.  The ticking of the clock under his cheek was comforting.

               “Thank you again for saving my whole world.  And thanks for the advice and the open invitation.  I’ll definitely be visiting more this week.”

Clockwork gave Danny’s head a final pat before separating, “As long as you fly the same speed or faster going home as you did coming here, you will avoid any encounters and will make it home with plenty of time to reassure your sister and to tell her about your day.” Clockwork shifted to his elder form and with his characteristic smirk, stated, “Later Gator.”

Danny beamed with delight as they floated to the door.

“After a little while, Crocodile.”

“We’re far too gharialous for a traditional parting.”

It took Danny a moment to work gharial and garrulous apart before he could shoot back, “Caiman, these puns are getting old.”

Clockwork replied by waggling his eyebrows and shifting to his child form, “Actually, you will find that they are getting younger.”

Danny laughed and waved to his new mentor as he floated out into the ghost zone proper, “I’ll see you tomorrow, bye!” he shouted as he turned and sped off towards home.

Clockwork shut the door once Danny was out of sight and moved to his time viewing room where Danny flying home showed on the main screen.  Some of the smaller screens floating off to the side showed him dropping the ecto-weenie back into the drawer in the refrigerator and eating dinner with his sister.

“There are some advantages to being the master of time, and taking care of such a wonderful and delightful child is definitely one of them.  The puns are a bonus too.” he mused with a slight lisp and fingering the baton that he’d been gifted.  He watched Danny talking to himself during his flight home.

“…and I should ask him where those gears around his lair come from tomorrow.  Oh! And if the ectoplasmic contamination in Mom’s cooking is actually a good thing for me.  I need to learn about more types of animals and things so I don’t run out of puns!” He was flying home with a huge smile.

                                                        -----

True to Clockwork’s words, Danny once again didn’t have any unfriendly encounters while he travelled.  He had even managed to shave a couple more minutes off of his flight time!  He slowed down as he approached the Fenton Portal and slipped through at normal speed. When he popped through he startled his sister where she was fiddling with some ghost hunting gadgets.  “Danny!” she yelled, dropping a Fenton Thermos and some miscellaneous inventions that didn’t actually do anything.  She threw her arms around him as he transformed back to human form.  “I read your note but I was starting to get worried!  I finished early at the library so that I could get dinner started.”

Danny gave her a quick hug back before responding, “I’m fine.  Actually, I’m way better than fine!  I’ll tell you all about it upstairs, do you think you could make meatloaf again?  An ectoweenie ate all of the leftovers.”

               His sister ruffled his wind-swept hair before tugging him towards the stairs. “Of course, little brother, I’m so glad that you had a good day and weren’t just playing video games or bored the whole time.”  They headed upstairs together and Danny started off his story, “So I was really bored this morning.  Incredibly bored.  Then I got the perfect idea…”

[nikki-fucking-sixx]

Be My Mistake (Nikki Sixx x Reader)

You weren’t what he wanted. You were the good girl from the suburbs who did not have her first sip of alcohol until she was in college. The girl who gave the facade of perfection to her parents before having sex with some stranger she met at a party the weekend before. The girl who planned on working for some big marketing company in New York but really wanted to be a singer. The girl who craved intimacy from men because she never really understood what rejection felt like until the man beside her would tell her to get out of their bed and go home. 

You needed something to give your boring, suburban life a thrill.

Maybe that is why you thought it would be a great idea to go to the hotel you knew Motley Crue was staying. You wanted the chance to feel a new rush unlike any other, sleeping with a rockstar. That would be a story to tell everyone that will make your life not sound as mundane as it is. Your flesh touching his and his lips all over your neck, that would be cool. 

You smiled to yourself as you took a sip of your white wine from the hotel bar, fake intimacy. You wanted to pretend there was love there. Well, maybe not pretend, but with some big-haired rockstar, that seems nearly impossible. At that thought, you drank the remainder of the wine before waving down the bartender.

“Hi, another Pinot Grigio?” The bartender smiled and started pouring you your drink. 

“That’ll be $12.” You pull out a $20 and hand it to him before you hear a sarcastic snort beside you. 

“Spending $12 on a cheap-ass glass of wine?” You hate being mocked, it was something you were not used to. You turn to this man, ready to ask him what his issue was, but then you see his face. It’s him. Nikki fucking Sixx. You take a second to regain your composure, put on your cool girl facade. 

“Well why don’t you buy me a nice glass of wine so I don’t have to waste my money on crap.” He gave you a sly smirk before waving down the bartender.

“A glass of the best white wine you have for the lady and your cheapest whiskey for me.” You let out a laugh, what a fucking hypocrite. But you like the juxtaposition. 

“Now I feel like a jackass for drinking nice shit while you drink some cheap-ass whiskey.” You turn towards him, crossing your leg over the other, making yourself seem thinner.

“Cheaper is better, hits harder.” He said before downing his glass, which was instantly replaced with another. “So, what’s your name?” 

“(Y/n).” You put your hand out to shake his and he raised his eyebrows at you. You slowly took your hand away before resting it on the bar. The facade sometimes broke. Pretending to not know who he is, you ask, “What about you?”

“Nikki and I don’t shake hands.” 

“How do you greet people then?” He already intrigued you so much.

“Guys just seem to know me already and girls shove their tongues down my throat.” He took a shot of his liquor. “I’m surprised you haven’t tried to fuck me yet.” 

“Why do you say that?” Your cheeks began to heat up and redden, “It’s been about five minutes.”

“All girls want my dick and I wanna give it to them.” You snicker to yourself as he leans in towards you, “Even within the first five minutes of seeing me.”

“You sure have a high opinion of yourself.” This comment did not sit well with him.

“So do you,” He finished his drink and slammed it down. “I see the way you look at me. You’re fucking afraid.” Your eyebrows raised and your mouth dropped open. 

“Afraid? Of you?” You cross your arms over your chest, “You’re acting like I have never seen a guy like you before.”

“I know you have, you just haven’t been hit on by one before,” He raised an eyebrow at you, putting a hand on your thigh, grasping it lightly. You stiffened. “Uptight girls like you are not interested in fucking a guy like me, and guys like me are not particularly interested either.”

You gawk. What about you made you so different from the girls he slept with on a regular basis? You were wearing what you believed to be a rather revealing outfit for a hotel bar scene: a pair of skinny jeans, Doc Martens, a low cut top and a cheap leather jacket. This was cool. This is what those girls wore.

“What makes you think I’m uptight?” You truly wanted to know.

“Your face,” He took a sip of his whiskey, his cup never seemed to actually run out, “It’s one of those that says “Let’s settle down and have some kids,” so you can become some housewife as fast as fucking possible. And I can tell you, I am not one of those motherfuckers that want to have some stupid ass, stuck up wife holding me back.” At that, he stood up, ready to leave. It was that rejection you were all too familiar with. The emotional rejection but without the physical rejection. Where did this sense of rejection even come from? It may have been the way his eyes seemed to tell some story or the way his lips curled while he spoke. Your hand reached out and grabbed his.

“Why not fuck me.” He ran a hand through his thick black hair.

“Some uptight bitch?” You then stand up.

“I may be uptight to you, but I can promise that after tonight, you will never see me again,” It hurt you to say because you really would have loved to see him again, “You will never have to worry about me being your housewife.” 

He smirked to himself and then looked at you, starting from your feet and stopping at your eyes. They seemed to bore right through you. 

“I bet you’re pussy out at the elevators.” You grab your purse and take his hand before leaning up to his ear.

“Try me.” You pulled away from him with a smirk on your face. Suddenly, you became that confident girl you always wanted to be, not the doomed housewife. Nikki bent down and grabbed your legs before throwing you over his shoulder. You let out a giggle before you both starting moving towards the elevator. Once inside, he places you down and presses you against the wall before smashing his lips to yours. You were both ravenous for each other. His teeth bit onto your lower lip, pulling it out slightly. Your eyes would not leave his as he put his hands on your cheeks and pulled you in.

“Which room?” He grunted between kisses. 

“217,” It came out as a light moan. He clicked the two behind your back without leaving your lips. His hands made their way to your hips, pulling you closer as you giggled into the kiss. The door then opened and you grab his hand to take him in the direction of your room. As you fiddled with the key you felt Nikki press his lips to your ear and lightly kiss and nibble.

“You’re not going to be able to walk when I’m done with you” You managed to unlock the door and stumble inside. 

“Why do you say that?” You ask as you kick off your boots and he turns you around towards him, slamming you against the shut door.

His hands started to move off the door and trail down your chest, stopping at the hem of your top, “You’re so soft,” He rips your shirt off, “You’ll fall apart the second I touch you.” 

At that you let him take you. For hours, it was only the two of you and that empty room. His eyes never left yours, they were invested in every expression you made. You craved his moans, they made you want more than anything to show him what you can do. It may have been almost romantic. 

Almost.

You both laid beside each other, him staring at the ceiling and you pretending not to want to look over at him and just stare. Everything about him encapsulated you. His big hair, his eyeliner, his tattoos, you were never going to see a man like him again. He could never know that though. You made a promise. You heard him begin to rustle. Not wanting to watch him leave, you rolled onto your side, watching the closed window shades flutter against the breeze. His weight left the bed and you heard him stumbling into his jeans. The silence was dangerous, there was so much more that had to be said, but you were fucking terrified. All you could do was clench your blanket to your chest and hope he does not notice the tears welling up in your eyes. 

You heard the door open, but his footsteps stopped before he could leave, “Maybe in another lifetime this could have been something.” You stared, wide-eyed at the shades watching them blur as tears came into your vision. The door closed and you were alone. Alone and feeling that overwhelming rejection all over again, but more so than usual. He was a mistake. A beautiful and tragic mistake.

But a mistake.

[marquis1305]

The Language of Flowers

A commissioned fic for the amazing @le-mooon, gifted by the wonderful @tessa1972 

This fic is inspired by this amazing art right here done by Le-mooon. AO3 link

Hawke x Anders, Flower Shoppe/Professor AU

------------------------- The funeral was this evening. I had taken the time to tidy my ever unruly hair, as much as it could be tidied. The lines of my black silk suit stark and neat, mother would have been proud. 

Even as she would have hated the Kaddis that I smeared over the bridge of my nose. She had always hated it, said it made me look too much like a dog lord.

Say that the to mabari at my side. 

Maybe she had a point.

I shifted the sunglasses on my face as I headed for the door, a cup of coffee in my hand. I just needed to stop by the office to drop off the papers that I had graded last night. It didn’t matter that the head of my department had told me to take the week off, those kids were counting on that grade to be entered. I hated letting anyone down. Especially them. Especially after mother…

The walk was an easy one. I lived on campus after all, the professor pads weren’t too terrible, and the rent was cheaper than anything else in Kirkwall. Dragon padded along beside me, tongue lolling as he obviously considered the weight that the day held. Meaning he was looking at the young man kneeling on the sidewalk and slipping something that might have been a tuna sandwich to a stray cat. 

Or more to the point he was looking at the sandwich. 

Maybe I was the one looking at the young man. 

It took a moment before I could gather up the breath to whistle and get Dragon’s attention, forcing myself to tear my gaze away. We had things to do. Now wasn’t the time for my head to wander. No matter how much nicer it would have been to let my thoughts linger on the way the man wore his jacket, or the way that the raven feathered lining of the hood contrasted with golden wheat colored hair, or how honey colored eyes beamed with affection down at the tabby. 

I cleared my throat as we passed him, keeping my head down. My gaze on my shoes. Watching as I put one foot in front of the other. Watching each step that brought me closer to saying goodbye to the woman that raised me. That praised me each and every time I brought home some certificate of achievement. Who scolded me for staying out too late with my latest fling, or for sneaking out with the Bethany and Carver to get them drunk for the first time at my high school graduation.

To the woman who had loved each of us more than life itself, especially after we had lost dad.

Time blurred, and suddenly I was standing in my office. Fading into focus on the leather carrier bag as I took it off my shoulder. Pulling out the stack of graded papers to leave on my desk, Merrill would make certain that those were passed out during class. 

She was a good bean.

And if she forgot, then Varric would probably remember, considering that half the lesson plan I had left to help him sub for me was going over those papers. Of course he was just as likely to get distracted by the telling of some story or another. 

Well, there was always class next week to properly go over them. The funeral wouldn’t last forever. Even if it felt like it would. 

I slipped a finger into the tie about my neck, trying to tug it just loose enough that I would be able to breathe again. Swallowing past the sudden tightness of my throat. The raw pressure building behind my eyes.

It had been like this since I had gotten the phone call from the sheriff’s office. The way that everything would just bulldoze over me at once. 

And then the way that it would rush over me like a wave, calm waters on the other side before the next build. I rode it out, gripping the edge of the desk tightly. Dragon pressing his weight into my hip. It was his warmth that calmed me. The soft whines that brought my attention of the crashing sound at my ears. Lifting a hand slowly to scratch along his head. Letting him know that I was alright again.

Best idea that Aveline had ever had, emotional support Mabari. Got Dragon certified the next day, so he could stay on campus with me. Something to do with ptsd and anxiety attacks, and how his mutt nose could sniff out the symptoms, calm me before they happened most of the time. 

Or bring me out of it, like now. 

Smiling down at Dragon, I nodded, then moved to lock my carrier bag into my desk. Only pulling out my wallet and keys, I wouldn’t need the rest of it for the next few days, and not having it in my apartment would help keep my mind off work. I hoped. 

The walk off campus was much more difficult. I would be arriving early, I had to. Greeting everyone, accepting condolences. Bethany and Carver wouldn’t make it from the airport until later, and I was expected to pick them up. Luckily they were sharing a hotel suite, so I wouldn’t have to deal with Carver’s endless bickering, or Bethany’s tears. 

I was a shitty older brother sometimes. But right now I barely had the strength to keep moving. 

Dragon’s barking drew me once more from my brooding. Turning my gaze up to see the same tabby from earlier. Or it looked like it. The coloring was similar. My brow furrowed as I glanced around. We were near the university’s shop center, which was as quietly thrumming with life as usual. A few simple stores lined either side of the street. A coffee shop that was more tempting than it should have been; yet another used book store; a grocery store; and on the very corner of the street, a small flower boutique. 

The tabby was curled up near the door, looking rather unperturbed by the foot traffic that passed it by. Not entirely unusual for the cats that thought they owned the campus, but to see it twice in just a few hours…

With a heavy sigh, I gave into the urge. 

I needed flowers for today anyways, just thought I would end up buying them later on. Well, no time like the present. 

Dragon stayed close to me as we approached the shoppe, though I could feel the way he would occasionally twitch at the thought of a cat chase. But he was too well trained to just go bolting off, thankfully. I gave him the command to stay outside, making sure he was on the opposite side of the door of the cat. Watching carefully as he laid down, gaze locked onto the stray. 

The sound of a bell tinkling warned any inside of their imminent doom with my arrival.

A pair of honey colored eyes glancing up from the counter had me stopping in my tracks. Blinking as I tried to convince myself that I hadn’t had a complete mental break down and started hallucinating overly attractive men.

His hair was half pulled up into a bun to keep it from his face while he worked, jacket exchanged for a green grocer’s apron, which exposed the white button up I hadn’t had the chance to notice earlier. A daisy tucked just behind his ear on one side. 

He was half bent over the start of a flower basket of some kind, and obviously waiting for me to say something as I attempted to shake myself from my sudden stupor. 

“I ah… flowers!” I blurted out, trying to say anything that would break the silence.

“Yes, I do believe that we sell those here.” His lips quirked up in a wry smile that had me seeing stars. “Was there any particular flower? Or will any of them do?”

I let out a surprised laugh, feeling more at ease for the joke. Clearing my throat as I ran a hand through my hair. “I was looking for a bouquet actually.”

“Is it for any particular occasion? Are we talking ‘romantic first date’ bouquet, or ‘I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary again, please don’t make me sleep on the couch again’ type bouquet?” The quip coming as easily to his lips as the smile had before it. 

“Actually, it’s for my mom.”

He blinked, caught slightly off guard with the answer before he was standing straighter, wiping his hands clean on his apron. “Oh… well, we’ve got a few bouquets of daisies that are always popular. A few yellow roses. Is there anything in particular that she prefers?”

I chuckle softly, shrugging. “She always had a thing for white lillies.”

“Hmm.” He pauses, lips pursing slightly as he heads over to the computer tucked on a back desk. Drawing me further into the room, wanting to keep him in my eyeline. I am a terrible person, and I know it. But he is just… “Well, lillies aren’t really in season right now, we have a few from the greenhouse, but the price has gone up because of it. I don’t have enough for a full bouquet either, but I can make an arrangement if you don’t mind a few other flowers mixed in.”

Pulling out my wallet, I gently toss a card onto the counter. “Anything you can manage, thank you. She just deserves something special.” 

He raises a single brow before nodding. Heading towards one of the refrigeration units. “I have to ask, but you seem really familiar. I’m fairly certain I haven’t seen you in the shop before though.”

“I’m an anthropology professor at the university, you may have sat in on a class or two?” My gaze follows his movements, seemingly unable to tear myself from this magnetic attraction. 

“Right! Fenris had your class a few times, my roommate. I went with him now and then. I remember thinking you were too attractive to teach something as stuffy as anthropology.” A bright peal of laughter fills the room. 

The blush that stained my cheeks was likely bright enough to be used as a lighthouse for lost ships at the harbor. To which my immediate reaction was to turn my attention to the roses that were set up by color. Running my fingers over their petals as gently as I could. 

“Maker.” Forcing myself to snort a laugh. “If you think I am, you should meet Varric. I can say for a fact that we have witnessed women quite literally swoon for his chest hair.”

“Always been a fan of facial hair myself. But beard burn is much more difficult to swoon over.” I could almost hear the wiggling of his eyebrows. I wasn’t sure if the groan that slipped through my lips was entirely due to the terribleness of the joke. At the very least I could pretend that it was and hope he hadn’t noticed. 

“Maker’s ballsack… Right, well…” Chuckling and clearing my throat before glancing over my shoulder. Catching sight of him starting to trim the stems of the flowers he had picked out. Wetting my lips before I was heading back to the counter. “Not really sure I have a counter to that, but it might make Varric cry. Considering how much we all tease him that his beard fell off and stuck to his chest instead.”

His lips pulled up into the most brilliant smile. Laughter following soon after. “Oh… Oh no… I have to tell Fenris that one… He’s going to die…”

Chuckling along with his mirth was easy. It was infectious, how bright he was, how easy the conversation was. 

“Alright so this is going to be fifty gold.” Offering the bouquet over, a beautiful mixture of white lilies, red roses, baby’s breath, pink wax flowers, and greens for filler. 

I suddenly felt reality come crashing down on me. Right, this is why I had been here. Not for the cute guy. “Just put it on the card. Thank you. I know that she’ll love this.” 

Taking the card, he rung everything up. Then handing it and the receipt to me. Allowing me a moment to tuck it away before presenting the bouquet. “Well, I hope you and your mom have a good evening.”

“We usually do.” I offered a smile as I tucked the bouquet into the crook of my arms. “Have a good one then.” Waving as I weaved my way back out of the store, Dragon popping up immediately from where he had sat to follow me. 

I had to say, at least this had been a bright spot in a rather overcast day.

[theculturedmarxist]

Business news headlines recently bemoaned the incidence of “bond yield inversions” in a series of countries as the supposed harbinger of doom and destruction. Many working-class people were left scratching their heads about what on earth this all means. 10 years after the “Great Recession”, many could be forgiven for thinking that we have been living in permanent recession and things can’t get any worse. The reality is that, while things have not been good in most countries, things can also get far, far, worse. In this article, we will explain why.

What is a bond yield inversion, and why does it matter?

A bond is a term for the purchase of someone else’s debt. In other words, if you buy a bond, you are lending someone money (often a government or large corporation). Bonds are different from stocks, which give the owner a share of the profits of a company.

Bonds can be short term or long term. This refers to the amount of time that you have agreed to lend someone your money. In normal times, the longer the term, the higher the return. Say you lend someone money for 12 months, you might expect a two percent rate of return; but if you lend money for five or ten years you might demand a four or five percent rate. It is natural to demand a higher rate for a longer period because you are taking a higher risk over that time. The value of your loaned money could be eroded by inflation, or you could even lose the entire amount if a company goes bankrupt or if a government goes into default (refuses to pay). Another term for interest rate is “bond yield”. A “bond yield inversion” is the weird and dangerous phenomenon when interest rates on long-term loans are lower than short-term loans.

Why would interest rates for long-term debt become lower than short-term? This is another way of saying that life in the short term is far riskier than life in the long term (even when the risk of inflation and bankruptcy is factored in).

Imagine that you are a billionaire and are trying to figure out what to do with the mountains of cash you have screwed out of the workers (to use technical terminology). If capitalism seems to be doing well, you’ll invest this money in stocks to get a share of the profit made from exploiting workers. This is risky, but gives the best potential return. But if you think that there is going to be a slump, then you’ll pull your money out of the stock market before everybody else does the same and you lose millions when share values go down. Now our poor billionaire is looking for a place to put his or her money. They could buy a short-term bond, but that won’t help because they’ll get the money back right in the middle of the crisis. So their only option (apart from sitting on cash, or buying gold) is to buy long-term bonds.

The yield of the long-term bond is driven down when lots of people want to buy them. This is because bonds are sold using an auction-like process. A government may say, “I want to borrow $1 million at a one-percent rate, who is interested?” If nobody is interested, such as when nobody wants to buy Greek debt, then that government will have to raise the rate to attract more people. But if it is the government of Germany, and lots of people want to buy their debt at a yield of one percent, then perhaps they can offer only 0.5 per cent, or even zero percent, and still get the money they need.

Low long-term yields are a symptom of the fact that the capitalists have no faith in the capitalist system. Don’t bother listening to the paid propagandists of the bosses who say that the “free market economy” is the most efficient way of allocating resources; instead, watch what the moneybags actually do with their precious hoard. They care too much about protecting their ill-gotten gains to believe their own propaganda for a single second. They just want to keep their heads down and hope that by the time their long-term bond matures the crisis will have gone away. They don’t care about being productive, and they definitely have no interest in providing jobs for working-class people. They only care about their money.

The situation has gotten so out of control that there are even bonds with a negative yield! This means it costs money to lend money, and you get extra money for borrowing money. The logic being that, while the loaner will lose money, they’ll lose less money than if they invested elsewhere. This can seem crazy, but there is $16 trillion currently invested in these assets that are 100 percent guaranteed to lose money. One Danish bank even released a negative rate mortgage, where they gift you money to buy a home. The capitalist system is clearly inside out and upside down.

Historically, since the Second World War, every time the return on 10-year U.S. government bonds has gone below the U.S. two-year bonds, there has been a recession soon after. While it is possible for yields to be negative without being followed by a recession, pretty much every recession is preceded by this kind of behaviour.

Bourgeois confusion

However, if one looks for an explanation as to why a recession is coming there is much confusion. Liberal politicians are talking about the “Trump slump”, with the prospect of the U.S.-China trade war causing a global recession. In related terms, a no-deal “Boris Brexit” also would serve to place additional barriers in the way of free trade. Even the Hong Kong protests have made markets jittery, due to the possibility of the movement spreading, and the fact that Hong Kong is an important financial centre in its own right.

Right-wing populists like Donald Trump think they can win a trade war. This leaves the intelligent bourgeois aghast, as they have spent the last 80 years trying to expand trade and avoid protectionism. In their view, protectionism extended the 1929 stock market crash into the decade-long depression of the “Dirty Thirties”. They actually have a point here, as protectionism does strangle the capitalist economy. Tariff barriers and competitive devaluations mean that, instead of buying a more efficiently produced (and therefore cheaper) foreign good, you are forced to buy a more expensive and less efficiently produced domestic item. If you are the only one using protectionist measures, then you have successfully exported your unemployment to another country, but when everybody does it, then on average the entire world economy becomes less efficient. You have to do more work to get less stuff. This is why big business opposes trade wars and favours free trade.

The self-declared “community of nations” is complaining about Trump violating the “rules-based international order”. Does that mean workers should support these liberals against Trump? The “rules-based international order” promoted by countries such as Germany, France, and Canada is a euphemism. These pretty words to conceal a thief's bargain to share out the loot of exploiting the world working class. Trump, the biggest gangster, is merely trying to rewrite the terms of the deal in his own favour. Our opinion on this fight is the same as our opinion with regard to differences between the New York Mafia, the London Mob, and the Tokyo Yakuza.

But while there is potential for a trade war to exacerbate the coming slump, just as subprime debt worsened the 2008 slump, or the dot-com bubble in 2000, or the oil crisis in 1973, none of these precipitating factors really explain the cause of a recession. It has been more than 10 years since the last global downturn, one of the longest periods of growth in the history of capitalism, and generalised processes demand a generalised explanation. Possibly the best explanation for the root causes of capitalist crisis comes from the Communist Manifesto:

“In these crises, there breaks out an epidemic that, in all earlier epochs, would have seemed an absurdity—the epidemic of over-production. Society suddenly finds itself put back into a state of momentary barbarism; it appears as if a famine, a universal war of devastation, had cut off the supply of every means of subsistence; industry and commerce seem to be destroyed; and why? Because there is too much civilisation, too much means of subsistence, too much industry, too much commerce. The productive forces at the disposal of society no longer tend to further the development of the conditions of bourgeois property; on the contrary, they have become too powerful for these conditions, by which they are fettered, and so soon as they overcome these fetters, they bring disorder into the whole of bourgeois society, endanger the existence of bourgeois property. The conditions of bourgeois society are too narrow to comprise the wealth created by them.”

Evidence of overproduction is wide and spreading. One key economic statistic that shows this is called “capacity utilization”. This measures how much of the productive potential of machinery and factories are actually in use to create commodities. Globally, this statistic has been in decline over the last 50 years. For example, in the USA, capacity utilization regularly surpassed 85 percent in the 1970s. However, after plunging to almost 65 percent during the last crisis, this figure hasn’t been able to recover. Now, between 20-25 percent of machinery sits idle even in a so-called “boom”. This waste of productive potential is an indictment of capitalism in the 21st century, which Marx and Engels explained back in Victorian times. Conversely, it also shows the potential of a society that produces for need instead of greed. Overnight we could increase output by 20 per cent merely by utilizing the existing productive forces. We would direct these resources to the genuine needs of the people, to end the housing crisis, build environmentally sustainable transit infrastructure, schools and hospitals, etc.

Another example of the crisis of overproduction are the mounting hoards of corporate “dead money”. Mark Carney, formerly the governor of the Bank of Canada, and now governor of the Bank of England, made headlines back in 2015 when he chided corporations for sitting on cash and not investing. This lack of investment led to stagnation in productivity. At the time, in Canada, dead money amounted to just under $700 billion. The bosses responded with indignation to this criticism from “one of their own”. They asked why they would invest in increasing productivity when there was a capacity utilisation crisis. Why spend money to produce more commodities when you can already make more commodities than the market can absorb? Carney quietly moved on, as did journalists, but the problem has not gone away.

Canadian “dead money” has ballooned by $65 billion per year to a total of $950 billion. These figures can be repeated in country after country. The billionaire class is acting like a dragon from a Tolkien novel, sitting on its jealously guarded pile of gold. But if the workers dare ask that this hoard be used for jobs, or homes, or education, they are met with smoke and fire. This is yet another glaring example of why humanity can no longer live with this monstrous system, which is completely incapable of advancing society and must be slain for the people to prosper.

The fundamental contradiction of capitalism is that the workers are not paid the full value of their labour. Therefore, the workers cannot buy back the items they have just produced. But while the consumption power of the working class is restricted by a whole series of factors, the individual capitalists continue planning production as if there are no such limitations. This inevitably leads the capitalist system into recurring crises of overproduction.

The capitalists can temporarily get around this in a number of ways. They can re-invest the surplus product in production. But doing this merely exacerbates the problem, as increased productivity in the long run, leads to more items being produced that the workers cannot buy. At the moment however as we have seen with the capacity utilisation and dead money crisis, corporations have stopped re-investing. The bosses can also export the surplus product, but again this builds up productive potential in other countries and re-creates the same crisis of overproduction. Now Trump’s trade war is shutting the door on this method of postponing a crisis. Finally, they can artificially boost the market by extending debt to workers, corporations, and governments. This can also work for a period, but eventually these debts must be repaid with interest. Again, the Communist Manifesto explains this clearly:

“And how does the bourgeoisie get over these crises? On the one hand by enforced destruction of a mass of productive forces; on the other, by the conquest of new markets, and by the more thorough exploitation of the old ones. That is to say, by paving the way for more extensive and more destructive crises, and by diminishing the means whereby crises are prevented.” 

In 2009, governments bailed out the banks and massively increased debt. Now this debt remains—personal, corporate, and government—but a new crisis is coming. The capitalist class has utilised almost every tool at its disposal to avert another crisis. It has used up all of its escape routes and does not know what to do. It is desperately afraid of the social consequences of the “enforced destruction of a mass of productive forces” which would lead to massive layoffs and destitution. A decade ago, the bankrupt labour bureaucracy managed to encourage the workers to keep their heads down and not fight. But in the intervening period, the ideas of socialism have become popularised in a way not seen in generations. The political system in country after country is on the verge of collapse in this time of modest growth. Just imagine what will happen during a generalised slump.

One political commentator for the CBC said the following:

“We are in unknown territory, out past the ‘here be monsters’ sign. None of us has any idea how this will turn out, economists included. As we saw in 2008, the collateral damage when things start to go badly can be devastating. Personally, I have a bad feeling about it all.”

Theoretically speaking, there is no “final crisis” of capitalism. They will always find a route out, one way or another. But the capitalists have no idea where this route lies, and neither do we. One thing is clear, however: whichever way out they find, it will be at the expense of the workers and the poor. The bosses can no longer move society forward and stand at the edge of an abyss. We must build the forces that can create a socialist society as the only alternative to capitalist catastrophe.

[ladala99]

Spyro Reignited Countdown - Skylanders: Trap Team (Console)

While Giants was boring, Trap Team has the perfect mix of infuriating monetization, cheapness, and charm. Yes, charm!

Here is where I started to despise Activision and the yearly model. Here is where I never 100% completed the game. But here is also where there’s a lot of really great characters, both in figure form and in-game.

Gameplay

Toys for Bob is back and they toned down the knockback combat mechanics. It’s still more playable for melee characters than Giants was, but it’s not nearly as fun as the previous title.

Other than that, it’s par for the course. A lot of combat, some platforming, gated areas, the whole Skylanders deal.

The Gates

Here’s where it gets dicey. Elemental Gates return, but not in the same was as before. These are Traptanium Elemental Gates, which means you need a Trap Master of that element to get through.

If you were part of the fandom during this game’s hype cycle, you would have heard a developer state that ANY character of the proper element would open Elemental Gates as always. As the release date approached, however, an Activision person later said the state of matters that ended up being in the game: that you needed specifically a Trap Master to open the gate. Indicating that this was a change in plan, and Activision was likely the one to request it.

Looking at the design of the game, it shows. In previous games, elements that come in the Starter Pack have more leeway with hidden collectables and show up together in early levels. This happens in this game with both Water gates ( for Snap Shot, a Trap Master), and Life gates (for Food Fight, who isn’t a Trap Master). There’s also Trap Master-specific areas anyways, much like the Giants, so this game would have followed in that game’s footsteps pretty accurately if this change had not been made.

Also, in all games previously, Soul Gems are located in areas that either come with the Starter Pack, or are unlocked by that character. The Light and Dark dragons, however, have their Soul Gems locked behind Traptanium Elemental Gates that match their element. If you don’t have their respective Trap Master, you would not be able to finish their moveset in this game.

But also on top of that, if you truly want 100% you need a full elemental set of traps, sold separately. They’re cheaper than even regular characters and unlock gameplay for several villains, but if you want 100% you need them all.

And there’s two additional elements in this game.

All of this together means that you need to buy 9 $15 Trap Masters and 8 $6 Traps to 100% the game. Oh, and one Mini, which come in 2-packs for $15.

And what’s more is that in the way the game’s designed, you’ll find a hidden area only to be greeted with an Elemental Gate. And it’ll happen over and over. I don’t know if this is different in previous games or not since for those I built my collection quickly while in this one I stubbornly did not and still don’t have everything. But way more often than not you’ll be greeted with a Gate rather than a different collectable.

Old Figures vs. New Figures

They’re relatively balanced in combat. Not the greatest, and characters from this game generally are better than older ones, but old ones are still usable.

The figures from Swap Force seem to be a bit more affected than others. Possibly some developer rivalry?

But the change in Elemental Gates really devalued the old characters, and in fact a lot of the new cast as well. Their uselessness as keys and the fact that Trap Masters get bonuses against bosses (and there’s a lot of bosses), means that there’s little reason to use anybody but Trap Masters.

It’s not as unbalanced as a certain game to come, but it’s not particularly balanced, either.

The Collectables

We’ve got your standard Skylanders round-up: Treasure Chests, Hats, Story Scrolls, Legendary Treasures, and Winged Sapphires. This time, Legendary Treasures are just decoration again. Everything’s back to how it was in the first two games as far as findability.

There’s also Villains and Villain Quests to worry about, too. Villains tend to be in your path as bosses, but Villain Quests can be a bit more out-of-the-way. Villain Quests are like Heroic Challenges: specific minigames for that particular Villain that give them an upgrade. Although some of them are as simple as “jump in this pot,” while others are as complex as an Angry Birds reference.

Bosses

There’s a ton. Each Villain you fight as a boss, and some are in the middle rather than at the end of levels. They aren’t too hard or particularly interesting, and tend to just use their powers against you rather than the environment. Then, after you Trap them, you can play the same way they did.

There are some exceptions, and those tend to be pretty fun. Like Chef Pepper Jack’s crazy fight. Or Dreamcatchers. Basically, the Doom Raiders have more interesting battles. And they actually get more complex in Nightmare Mode I understand, which is an improvement over just making everything take more hits and hit harder.

Levels

I’ve ranted about this above: the whole Elemental Gate thing. I don’t recall my opinion on the actual levels.

I do remember that the more interesting maneuvering and puzzles happen in the Elemental Gates. But that these areas are tiny compared to previous games. So like, they’re marginally more fun for about a minute and then they’re over and you’re back to the main path.

Story

Now I’m going to get this mixed up with the TV show since that used a similar plot.

But I think the game goes about that Kaos freed the villains from Traptanium Prison to be his allies. Ha. Yeah, right. They go rogue.

But, you know, they’re causing trouble so it’s up to you, the Portal Master, along with your new Trap Masters, to take them down. And then they randomly reform in your possession so you can use them against their former allies and Kaos.

I really don’t remember the rest. It just wasn’t that memorable. The characters themselves, though - they were really interesting. Just not the overall story.

Unique in the Series?

It’s the only game with a Trap-like concept, where you have a selection of characters for one figure. It’s the only one with mystery elements that they tried to keep secret for a while. It’s the first game in which you can play as Kaos, (but later games make this not unique).

Other than that it’s pretty standard fare. Aside from the uniquely money-grubbing nature of it.

Conclusion

Many people have different opinions on what caused Skylanders’ downfall. I point to this game. With how Activision betrayed consumer trust by making the Elemental Gates need a Trap Master in particular, gating off parts of the game not designed to have such a high paywall, a lot of people quit the series or just accepted that they wouldn’t be 100% players anymore.

And if you’ve put someone past the tipping point of that, all motivation to continue getting 100% in future games goes down the toilet too. The remaining games are flashy and try to get consumer attention, but the damage had already been done.

This game convinced me that I’d never put too much effort or faith into games made by Toys for Bob again. It was a sinking feeling when they were announced as the ones to make Spyro Reignited. It looks like they’ve redeemed themselves, though, aside from another instance of Activision’s cheapness (the whole fact that only 1/3 of the game is playable out of the box without an internet connection).

[thathomestar]

A Somewhat Comprehensive List of Good Old-School FPS Games, Where To Get Them, & How To Get Them Working

I love old FPS games. The action is fast, the levels are explorable, the guns are powerful. Whether you’re tired of modern FPS games or just waiting for some new hotness to come out, there’s a lot of these old games you can play! This list will cover a lot of the old classics and how to get them running on modern hardware (assuming you’re on Windows. Some of these work on Mac/Linux though).

Of course, what defines an “old-school” game from something more recent? Well the way I see it, there are FPS games before Halo, and FPS games after Halo. Halo was such a landmark game that it shifted the entire genre, hell even the entire video game industry. So I’m going to keep this list to pre-2001 games for the most part.

STUFF TO KNOW

Before going into this wholesale, I need to say a couple of things. These game are old. They are most likely not going to work out of the box and will need some tweaking on your part. Most of the non-3D games on Steam and GOG come with DOSBox wrappers. This can be fine for some games, but often times fans have created patches and their own engines/source ports for these games that work better than DOSBox emulation.

PC Gaming Wiki is an invaluable resource when it comes to finding patches and fixes to common problems. I will also point out any fan patches or source ports for the games as I go. On Steam, the curator page Sector Effectors has brief overviews on the functionality of games so you know what you might need before you buy.

A lot of games on Steam and GOG come in bundles that have the entire series in one at a markdown price, so it’s usually cheaper to just buy an entire series than each individual game. I can link to bundles on Steam but not on GOG; those bundles will be on the sidebar underneath the button to buy the game. In the case of games (like Doom on Steam), you have to buy the bundle to get the mission packs, whereas stuff like this is typically included with the game already on GOG.

Make sure you check through the options menu of each game and make sure everything’s set up to your liking, whether it’s video options or your actual controls. The default settings for this kind of stuff in these games are tend to be really weird and outdated, so it’s something you need to check every single time.

Most if not all of these games include various difficulty modes, so whether you’re a badass coolguy like me or someone fairly new to PC shooter games, you’ll be able to play these games.

id SOFTWARE

While they didn’t invent first-person shooter games, it’s undeniable that id Software made the genre as popular as it is today with the games they made.

WOLFENSTEIN (1992/1993/2001)

Wolfenstein was originally an adventure game for the Apple II, but the boys at id wanted to put their own spin on it. What we got was intensely fast Nazi slaughtering action, chock full of gore to spill and gold to swipe. You play as B.J. Blazkowicz, a POW hellbent on escaping Castle Wolfenstein and blasting any Nazi who gets in your way.

Wolfenstein 3D - GOG / Steam Wolfenstein 3D: Spear of Destiny - GOG / Steam Return to Castle Wolfenstein - GOG / Steam Steam Bundle

Wolf3D has a source port called ECWolf, which natively supports most popular OS’s, has widescreen support, and adds an auto-map feature which is immensely helpful for getting through the maze-like levels. At full speed, Wolf3D might make you motion sick, just a word of warning.

Return to Castle Wolfenstein has a 1.42d fanpatch (second from bottom) that adds proper widescreen support. This game has some weird difficulty spikes. Grey Matter Studios, the team that made RtCW, were later absorbed into Treyarch, who later went on to make Call of Duty: World at War and most of the other good CoD games.

Call Apogee, Say “Aardwolf”!

DOOM (1993/1994/1996)

This just might be the best game ever made, though I may be a little biased. Doom was a landmark title in the video game industry, to the point that FPS games were all called “Doom clones” for a while. The last alive in your squad of space marines, it’s you versus the legions of Hell as they take over Mars and invade Earth. Try to make it out alive!

Ultimate Doom - GOG / Steam Doom II: Hell on Earth - GOG / Steam Final Doom - GOG / Steam Steam Bundle (includes Master Levels for Doom II)

Doom has a huge number of source ports, but the most notable ones as of right now (in my opinion) are GZDoom (modern features + mod support), prboom+ (vanilla-style with modern features), and Chocolate Doom (vanilla-accurate). There’s many more though, which I’ve written about extensively here. Disregard Doom 3: BFG Edition, it edits the base data files and makes them incompatible with a lot of custom content.

If you play with a gameplay mod before you’ve beaten the games, I’ll slap you.

Eat leaden death, demon.

QUAKE (1996/1997/1999)

Wolf3D and Doom were pioneers for their own reasons, and Quake’s claim to fame was its fast 3D graphics, full use of the mouse to look up, down, and all around, and intense deathmatch multiplayer. Whether you’re battling it out with Lovecraftian monsters in Gothic castles, waging war against the alien Strogg, or simply blasting opponents in the Arena Eternal, there’s intense action to be had.

Quake - GOG / Steam Quake II - GOG / Steam Quake III Arena - GOG / Steam Steam Bundle

Quake 1 has a few notable source ports. For singleplayer, Quakespasm (John Romero approved!) and Darkplaces (not updated anymore but still works great) are the go-to. I don’t really play Q1 multiplayer so I can’t recommend anything on that end. This Steam guide has some good info on Quake source ports regardless.

Another thing of note with Q1 is that the Steam version does not come with the CD audio. Short of putting a Quake disc in your computer to get that CD audio, you can download this ZIP file I put together. This page has more info about the Quake 1 soundtrack. The GOG version comes with the CD audio, but in the format of a disk image, which can be a pain to get working.

Quake II has an unofficial 3.24 patch (third from bottom) as well as source ports like Yamagi and kmquake2 (top one). Q2 also has the same problem Q1 has, in that the Steam version doesn’t have the rockin’ CD soundtrack. I put together a download for the Quake 2 soundtrack here.

Quake III Arena should just work out of install, though on Steam you might need to disable Steam Overlay as it can screw up the visuals. Outside of that though, there’s a 1.32e fanpatch and the ioquake3 source port. Unlike the previous two games, Q3A is primarily a multiplayer game, though it does have a botmatch campaign that’s fairly fun. The music should work in this one.

Shub-Niggurath awaits you...

RAVEN SOFTWARE

For a while, Raven were kind of a sister studio to id. A lot of Raven’s early games are on id Software game engines. Luckily, this means some of these games can work on source ports for the games listed above!

HERETIC & HEXEN (1994/1995/1997)

Heretic and Hexen run on the Doom engine, and actually added features that Doom originally didn’t have, like being able to look up and down, having an inventory system, having a class system, and being able to jump. Hexen itself plays fairly different from Doom, with much more focus on exploration, puzzle solving, and melee combat, with the ability to backtrack between levels.

Heretic: Shadow of the Serpent Riders - Steam HeXen: Beyond Heretic - Steam HeXen II - Steam Steam Bundle

Being Doom engine games, Heretic/Hexen can be played using source ports like GZDoom and Chocolate Doom with little to no extra hassle. Hexen actually has a CD soundtrack much like Quake, but without a CD you get the MIDI versions of the music instead, which is fine by me since the MIDI tracks are great. If you want the CD music, you can run this WAD when you run Hexen. Check my Doom guide for info on how to do that.

The version of Hexen: Deathkings of the Dark Citadel on Steam is actually the original buggy version with no music. Download this version of it instead for working music.

Hexen II uses the Quake 1 engine, but has it’s own source port called Hammer of Thyrion. Unfortunately, like Quake 1, the Steam version does not include the CD audio. You can download the soundtrack here. Hexen II on Steam also does not include the Portal of Praevus mission pack; you can download that here.

There is actually a Heretic II but it’s third-person and not sold on digital stores due to licensing issues. It’s okay, and more of an early look at a much bigger game Raven Software would make four years later.

Evil grows darkest in the shadow.

APOGEE SOFTWARE/3D REALMS

Apogee was both a developer and publisher for PC games, popularizing the “shareware” model of distribution where a sizable portion of the game would be put out for free, and people could pay for the rest of the game. Wolf3D was actually published under Apogee, but id went solo when they made Doom. Regardless, they made some very notable FPS games.

RISE OF THE TRIAD (1994)

Made on a heavily modified Wolf3D engine, Rise of the Triad was made after Tom Hall left id since Doom’s development went in a direction he wasn’t interested in. It’s much less technically impressive than Doom, though you can choose one of five characters to play as, as well as look up and down and even bounce off of bounce pads.

Rise of the Triad: Dark War - GOG / Steam

There is one RotT source port called WinRott (and a more modern version called WinRottAPI). However, it has numerous problems and frequently crashes, making the standard DOSBox version you get with GOG and Steam the more appealing option.

Ludicrous gibs!

DUKE NUKEM 3D (1996)

The first of the Big Build Engine Three, Duke Nukem 3D is the third game in the series, the previous two being sidescrolling shooters. Alien bastards have invaded Earth once again, and Duke Nukem takes it upon himself to blast their asses out of the galaxy, cracking one-liners along the way.

Duke Nukem 3D: 20th Anniversary World Tour - Steam

Atomic Edition is the original “all-in-one” package that includes bonus campaigns which was sold on GOG, and Megaton Edition was a modern rerelease of Atomic Edition on Steam. However, these versions of the game were ripped off of digital storefronts due to Gearbox Software acquiring the Duke IP. The only version of Duke3D to buy right now on digital stores is World Tour. It does not include the original bonus campaigns, but it has an all-new 5th episode where Duke Nukem says “Bazinga”.

Honestly, just have Atomic Edition. This is the version I had before it was taken off GOG. I don’t care. Don’t give Randy Pitchford your money.

The most notable Duke3D source port is eduke32, which adds a lot of modern bells and whistles as well as some fancy new visuals. I’m not sure it’s compatible with World Tour though.

Those alien bastards are gonna pay for shooting up my ride!

SHADOW WARRIOR (1997)

The second big Build Engine game, Shadow Warrior is fairly similar to Duke3D, albeit with a (slightly racially insensitive) Asian theme. You play as Lo Wang, chopping and blasting your way through demons and monsters to stop a corporate overlord from taking over Japan, cracking bad puns along the way.

Shadow Warrior Classic (1997) - GOG / Steam (free!) Shadow Warrior Redux - GOG / Steam

The Classic version of Shadow Warrior is just the original game running in DOSBox. It works pretty well, and for the low price of free it’s worth a play! The Redux version is essentially an official source port, like what Megaton Edition was with Duke3D. It does cost money, but it runs great.

There were a couple of source ports, but the Redux version basically invalidates them.

Who want some Wang??

BLOOD (1997)

The third big Build Engine game. Blood was made by Monolith, more well known these days for F.E.A.R. and Shadow of Mordor. Blood’s a bit of a weird one compared to Duke and Shadow Warrior; its setting is ambiguous and your main melee weapon of choice is a pitchfork. Caleb is an undead gunslinger who’s on a revenge quest, slaughtering cultists and monsters along the way while cracking snide comments.

Blood: One Whole Unit Blood - GOG / Steam

Blood is in a weird situation, where it likely would have had a rerelease similar to Duke3D Megaton or Shadow Warrior Redux, but Atari has a stranglehold on the rights and refuses to do anything with it, even release the source code.

Despite that, Blood does have a couple of source ports of sorts, the standout being BloodGDX. It’s a bizarre reverse-engineered piece of work that runs in Java, but it’s probably the most accurate version of Blood you can play besides the DOSBox version. On the downside, it doesn’t display the pre-rendered cutscenes. The alternative is BloodCM, which is based on eduke32.

There is a Blood II but it’s poopy.

I live... again!

BUNGIE

A lot of people forget Bungie made games before Halo existed. This is because most of the games they made before Halo were for the Macintosh. While Doom dominated the IBM PC market, Bungie decided to carve out a niche on a competing platform, and it worked.

MARATHON (1994/1995/1996)

The guys at Bungie thought Wolf3D and Doom were pretty cool, and they wanted to put their own spin on it. The pace is a bit slower than it’s contemporaries, but Marathon’s focus is instead on exploration and story, which is told through computer terminals. Aliens attack your colony ship, and the onboard AI start to go a little haywire. It’s up to you, a lone security officer, to beat back the Pfhor and prevent Durandal from... oh never mind, there he goes.

Marathon - Free Download Marathon 2: Durandal - Free Download Marathon Infinity - Free Download

The Marathon Trilogy in it’s entirety was put up for free by Bungie, source code and all. The main source port for it is Aleph One. It should just work after install, though you might need to fiddle with the in-game options to get it to how you want it.

All three games come with hi-res texture packs that are based on the Xbox Live Arcade version of Marathon 2, and they kinda don’t look so good sometimes. You can turn them off in the Plugins menu under Environment options to get the authentic aesthetics. The Field of View of the Marathon games is a little low by default, but you can copypaste a script from the PC Gaming Wiki page to remedy that. I played with 100 FOV personally.

Make liberal use of your automap, but conservative use of your ammo. You can only save at designated save stations. Marathon 1 has background music but the other two games don’t. Marathon Infinity’s plot includes timeline hopping. Have fun!

Frog blast the vent core!

EPIC MEGAGAMES & DIGITAL EXTREMES

Before Fortnite, before Warframe, before Gears of War, there was Unreal. Epic Games is most known for the Unreal Engine these days, but there’s a game series behind that name, and it used to be Quake’s biggest competitor.

UNREAL (1998/1999)

Like most games here, Unreal was made to be a technical showcase for the engine it’s running on. This is important because visual fidelity was pretty much the game’s main selling point, and it worked. People were really impressed with how it looked at the time. You play as a escaped convict from a prison ship that crash-landed on a mysterious alien planet, simply trying to find a way to escape.

Unreal Gold - GOG / Steam Unreal Tournament GOTY - GOG / Steam Steam Bundle (includes later Unreal games)

These games should just work out of the box, but you can install the Oldunreal fanpatch to make them more compatible with modern systems and resolutions. Make sure you download the one for Unreal Gold, otherwise it won’t let you play the expansion. Unreal Tournament has a couple of patches that are needed if you want to play it online these days, as well as this fix for sound and some of the graphics.

There is an Unreal II but it wasn’t made by Epic or Digital Extremes, and it’s kind of poopy.

From where many have died, you have escaped.

VALVE SOFTWARE

Before the rise of Steam, Valve used to make games. While they don’t really do that anymore, their back catalog of developed games is impressive and impacted the industry in more ways than one.

HALF-LIFE (1998/1999/2001)

Valve’s aim with Half-Life was to make an immersive world that told a story, while also having Quake-style action as it’s main gameplay. Half-Life got a lot of praise for not only telling a decent little story, but for letting players keep control the entire time and never forcing people to watch a single cutscene. A research facility accidentally opens a portal to a border dimension, from which an alien invasion pours out. It’s up to Dr. Freeman to fight for his survival, as an all-out war commences.

Half-Life - Steam Half-Life: Opposing Force - Steam Half-Life: Blue Shift - Steam Steam Bundle (also includes Team Fortress Classic)

Half-Life is still somewhat regularly updated by Valve to keep it compatible with modern systems, so the game should just work after install. That being said, Xash3D is a reverse engineered version of GoldSrc that aims to remove some limitations and restored cut features from the original engine, though it’s not necessary to play Half-Life or it’s expansions.

There exists Half-Life: Source, which is HL1 straight ported to the HL2 engine, but it sucks. It was so bad, fans created Black Mesa, a full HL1 remaster for the HL2 engine. Black Mesa is great, but don’t play it until you’ve played the original.

They’re waiting for you, Gordon. In the test chamber...

COUNTER-STRIKE & TEAM FORTRESS

While these are strictly multiplayer-only games, I would be remiss to not include them. Counter-Strike and Team Fortress’s impacts on the world of competitive multiplayer gaming is extremely important and is worth checking out at least once.

Counter-Strike - Steam Team Fortress Classic - Steam

The original Counter-Strike should work out of the box and is still actively played by quite a number of people today. Team Fortress Classic still has a playerbase, but not as much as CS. The newest versions of these games, Counter-Strike: Global Offensive and Team Fortress 2, are still incredibly popular to this day.

Enemy spotted.

LOOKING GLASS STUDIOS

I personally don’t have much experience with Looking Glass and their legacy of games, but it just wouldn’t be right to not mention them considering how important they were to the growth of the first-person genre of games. Not strictly shooters like Doom or Quake, these games pioneered the “immersive sim” subgenre with heavy focus on exploration and story over blast-up-your-ass gunplay. If you prefer a slower pace and some actual story to sink your teeth into, look no further. Though, be prepared to wrestle with some of the controls.

ULTIMA UNDERWORLD (1992/1993)

Ultima was primarily a top-down RPG series, but Underworld takes that formula and puts it in the first-person perspective. The game pioneered many advanced features not seen before in video games, and heavily inspired games like The Elder Scrolls, Bioshock, and even Wolfenstein 3D. You play once again as The Avatar, thrown into the Great Stygian Abyss to look for an ungrateful baron’s kidnapped daughter.

Ultima Underworld: The Stygian Abyss - GOG Ultima Underworld II: Labyrinth of Worlds - GOG

There does not exist any source ports or fan patches for this game, so DOSBox is all you get. It seems that the GOG versions has a few issues, but they have fixes.

You see a rat. You see a rat. You see a rat. You see a rat. You...

SYSTEM SHOCK (1994/1999)

Video game stories about AIs going rouge and wanting to become gods seems to be a common theme in 1994. System Shock 1 and 2 are considered masterpieces by classic PC game enthusiasts. You play a cyber-hacker in the future and some corporate executive guy asks you to hack his space station’s AI to give him full control over it, in exchange for cyber implants. You agree, you do it, and as you wake from the implanting operation, the AI has pretty much killed everyone aboard and is planning on blasting major cities on on Earth with the station’s mining laser.

System Shock: Enhanced Edition - GOG / Steam System Shock 2 - GOG / Steam Steam Bundle

Enhanced Edition, much like some of the rereleases for the Build Engine games, is geared to make the game playable on modern systems, in more ways than one. For instance, in the original game, you cannot use the mouse to look around. Enhanced Edition lets you do so. It also comes with the original version of System Shock running in DOSBox, if you’re so inclined to play it.

System Shock 2 has a whole slew of mods and patches, too many for me to discern and sort through. Maybe I’ll update this once I actually play the game so I can put up only the worthwhile fixes and mods.

Look at you, hacker. A pathetic creature of meat and bone. Panting and sweating as you run through my corridors. How can you challenge a perfect immortal machine?

THIEF (1998/2000)

A bit of a departure from most of the games on this list, even other Looking Glass games, Thief is primarily a stealth game, focusing on moving quietly and discreetly while swiping rare artifacts and precious heirlooms. Though Garrett, the player character, often finds himself in much darker conspiracies throughout his adventures.

Thief: Gold - GOG / Steam Thief II: The Metal Age - GOG / Steam Steam Bundle (includes Thief 3 and the crappy Thief reboot)

Thief Gold has a patch called TFix that helps the game run on modern systems. Thief II has a similar patch called Tafferpatcher. Both games use the same engine, which was also used for System Shock 2.

Some people in The City are too rich for their own good. Lucky they have me to give them a hand.

ION STORM

Ion Storm is kind of weird to look back on in hindsight. John Romero was essentially forced out of id Software after Quake came out because he spent too much time goofing around and not actually working, so he got back with his buddy Tom Hall, and they formed Ion Storm. They managed to bring in Warren Spector and some other talent from Looking Glass as well.

DAIKATANA (2000)

Okay, I’ll be honest, this is not that good of a game, but it has historical significance so I’m including it. Mr. Romero was feeling a bit big in his britches and wanted to make the best game ever. This game would be Daikatana, featuring quite possibly the most infamous and aggressive marketing campaign in gaming history. You play as Hiro, and along with your allies Superfly and Mikiko, you must fix the timeline and prevent the evil Mishima from rewriting history and becoming ruler of the world.

Daikatana - GOG / Steam

Daikatana runs on the Quake 2 engine, which is fairly flexible and should run out of the box. Romero put out the source code for the game a year after release, and from that we got the 1.3 patch, which is still being maintained by the few fans this game has.

John Romero’s about to make you his bitch.

DEUS EX (2000)

While the Dallas studio was plagued with problems of ego, Ion Storm Austin diligently worked with Warren Spector to create the cyberpunk Deus Ex. The themes and topics in this game are honestly more relevant today than they were when the game released. You play as JC Denton, a cybernetically enhanced anti-terrorist agent who gets caught up in a web of conspiracies involving organizations like the Illuminati.

Deus Ex: Game of the Year Edition - GOG / Steam

Deus Ex runs on the Unreal engine, so it should just work. The Steam version has a bug where music is accidentally omitted from a level, but this is fixed in the GOG version. There are some fanpatches as well, though I dunno which ones are good or necessary.

There’s a Deus Ex 2 but it’s poopy.

My vision is augmented.

OTHER NOTABLE GAMES

There’s still a lot more old-school goodness to play, even though they may not be as big as the ones listed above. They may also deviate a little from definition of “old-school FPS”.

STRIFE (1996)

Even the Doom engine got an immersive sim game. Strife is a fantasy-based adventure FPS where you work with rebels to overthrow The Order. Not to be confused with Strife, the MOBA.

The Original Strife: Veteran Edition - GOG / Steam

This game was in abandonware status for the longest time before Night Dive Studios managed to find the licenses and release this modern version. It uses a fork of GZDoom and comes with a whole host of snazzy features like bloom and anti-aliasing. It even comes with the original files if you just want to play using Chocolate Doom or whatever.

DARK FORCES (1995/1997/1998)

LucasArts were famous for their adventure games, but they wanted a piece of that FPS pie too. Star Wars was and still is the hottest series in sci-fi, so it’s no surprise it had its share of games. The Dark Forces games haven’t aged quite as well as most other games on the list, but if you’re looking for that Star Wars flavor, this is it. You play as Kyle Katarn, an Imperial-turned-mercenary working for whoever forks over the most cash. The cowards at Disney retconned these games with Rogue One.

STAR WARS Dark Forces - GOG / Steam STAR WARS Jedi Knight: Dark Forces II - GOG / Steam Steam Bundle (includes the Jedi Knight games below)

The Steam versions of these games are outdated and many aspects of them just don’t work, like the music. The GOG versions are leagues more functional. Jedi Knight comes with Mysteries of the Sith, which runs on the same engine.

There are no fixes or patches for Dark Forces. XL Engine is the only source port that exists but development on it has been seemingly abandoned, and it remains buggy and unfinished. I can’t even find a proper link to a download, everything keeps 404ing.

Dark Forces II has an unofficial patch and a laundry list of various fixes on its PC Gaming Wiki page. Mysteries of the Sith is much of the same.

JEDI KNIGHT (2002/2003)

Made by Raven Software, who previously made Heretic/Hexen, Jedi Knight continues the adventures of Kyle Katarn, as he obtains the powers of the Force and wields a lightsaber. Shooting sections are in first person, but lightsaber combat is in third person.

STAR WARS Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast - GOG / Steam STAR WARS Jedi Knight III: Jedi Academy - GOG / Steam Steam Bundle (includes the Dark Forces games above)

Both games run on the Quake 3 engine, so they should just work fresh from install, though you might need to mess with config files to get proper widescreen resolutions. Jedi Academy still has an active playerbase for its multiplayer!

DESCENT (1995/1996/1999)

Are you sick of being limited to running around on the ground? Then Descent might be for you! Piloting a space ship, you’re given “six degrees of freedom” to bob and weave your way around enemies! You play as a merc hired by a mining corporation to investigate and destroy a computer virus that’s hijacking their mining robots.

Descent - GOG / Steam Descent II - GOG / Steam Descent 3 - GOG / Steam

There are a couple of source ports for Descent. DXX-Rebirth seems focused on maintaining the vanilla feel of the original, and D2X-XL is more focused on adding modern features, like OpenGL rendering. Both of these should work for Descent and Descent II.

Descent 3 does not have any source ports and might require some work to get running.

REDNECK RAMPAGE (1997/1998)

While Duke, Wang, and Caleb stole the show with the Build Engine, Redneck Rampage is still a favorite among some fans. Includes a booze-o-meter!

Redneck Rampage Collection - GOG / Steam

The collection includes all three games in one package. Redneck Rampage is also on Steam but the quality of that version is so poor that you’d be better off just buying the GOG version. One source port exists but is extremely buggy, so you’re better off just playing it with DOSBox.

TUROK (1997/1999)

Most commonly thought of as Nintendo 64 games, Turok did make its way to PC. Turok is a little more arcade-y than most other games of its time, using a checkpoint save system and lives instead of just restarting the level over again like other games. Commit dinozoid genocide as Turok, Son of Stone!

Turok: Dinosaur Hunter - GOG / Steam Turok 2: Seeds of Evil - GOG / Steam

These versions of Turok are remasters done by Night Dive Studios, so they should just work with no issues. N64 soundtrack best soundtrack. They’re drum-tastic!

SERIOUS SAM (2001/2002)

Out of Croatia comes Serious Sam. Including Serious Sam as an “old-school” FPS is pushing it, considering the series was actually made as a throwback to old-school FPS. At this point, it’s done its best to keep old-school traditions alive, so it deserves inclusion. You play as “Serious” Sam Stone, traveling through time to thwart the evil alien Mental.

Serious Sam: The First Encounter - GOG / Steam Serious Sam: The Second Encounter - GOG / Steam

Serious Sam HD: The First Encounter - Steam Serious Sam HD: The Second Encounter - Steam

Croteam remade TFE and TSE in a newer version of their Serious Engine, and while the HD versions are the ones I’d personally recommend, the original versions still work great and some people still swear by them over the HD versions. It’s up to you and your preferences.

LET’S WRAP THIS UP

Obviously this list is not the end-all-be-all of EVERY first-person shooter that’s considered “old-school”. There’s pre-Wolf3D stuff like Hovertank 3D and Catacomb 3D. There’s stuff during the mid-late 90s like Blake Stone, Soldier of Fortune, SiN, and Tribes. Hell, there’s even stuff like Rainbow Six and Medal of Honor: Allied Assault, which paved the way for Call of Duty and the rise of modern military FPS. I never promised a full comprehensive list, just stuff I think is notable and fun. Though if you think there’s something vital that’s missing, let me know and I might add it!

If you need help getting some of this stuff to run, I will help if you shoot me a message, but please actually Google your problems before coming to me. Other people have this stuff figured out pretty well, and I will pretty much Google your problem if it’s something I don’t know.

Regardless, please check out these games and have fun! Each one has its own quirks. And remember:

[sol1056]

a bunch more asks waiting their turns so politely

These are all various asks about the likelihood of a remake, a rewritten season, or a spinoff. 

1 could we get an alternate version 2 is a rewrite for S8 a viable option 3 would they change the ending for a spin-off 4 are single-episode edits possible for S8 5 will S7 reactions affect S8 6 how will DW get us to watch S8

Behind the cut.

With the shitstorm that vld became, would dreamworks ever take pity on us and remake some seasons of voltron that turned out like crap, or not even air, just release them as alternate versions on dvd? Im questioning the possibilities, not the probabilities, bc Im really not optimistic about that, I just wanna know if a show can do that and what would it take for the company to snap their fingers and be like "lets do it" (besides having money)

It’s not like frequent reboots don’t have precedent in other franchises; hell, comics do it on the regular. It’s also much cheaper to do a series of graphic novels or full novelizations geared towards an older audience. The problem there is that Dreamworks isn’t a comic book company or a publishing house; that part of the franchise would have to be farmed out to someone else. 

My guess --- if another remake is ever a possible option --- it’d be several years down the road. The first version would be set aside as, say, the Y-7 version for kids and family, and then you’d find a new angle for the next version. 

If DW got the impression there was a massive older crowd (say, 25-45) who would’ve eaten up a more mature, somewhat darker, version? Sure, why not try to grab that audience? I mean, look at the Castlevania series: it’s not pulling any punches on making clear it’s for adults. That would also require a different business model, since what adults like to buy for themselves is very different than what kids want. Skip the cake toppers, for starters. 

do you think given the reaction to VLD S7, is a rewrite for S8 a viable option? I feel the fandom is divided about the general reaction to S7. If JDS and M can just [focus on the fanbase segment] that liked it, why [bother trying to fix it for those] that didn't?

Given what I’ve been seeing in terms of data from the season... I think they aimed to please everyone and ended up pleasing no one. 

Pretty sure I’ve said something to this extent before: when you can’t please everyone, the answer isn’t to split the difference and piss everyone off. The answer is to pick your audience and give them the best damn story you can. The rest will sort itself out.

Let me put it this way: there are enough people who didn’t like S7 for the crummy animation, the OOC dialogue and actions, and the nonsensical storyline overloaded with a host of new characters that stole time from the actual protagonists. And there are also enough people who didn’t like S7 for queerbaiting the audience, killing off three out of four queer characters, and sidelining the one remaining queer character. There may be some overlap between those two sets, but taken together, those two sets are pretty much the dominant majority of the fan base. 

I don’t know if that makes a rewrite a viable option, but it should be making a few execs think twice about letting the EPs/staff carry on in the same direction. I mean, you want a series to end on a high note, not an ‘omg that had such potential but boy did it self-destruct in the last two seasons’ note.  

So if DW wants to do a Voltron spin-off, would they consider changing the ending to VLD to give Shiro the things he earned so this spin-off wouldn't be dead out of the water?

That would depend entirely on whether they’ve gotten the message that Shiro’s current status isn’t good enough for a significant part of the fanbase. If all they’re hearing (or all they choose to hear) is that it’s great to sideline one of their protagonists with no in-story explanation whatsoever, what’s to tell them there’s anything that needs addressing?  

Additionally, if the entirety of the issue is Shiro --- and everyone else is just fine, thanks --- I’m not sure that’d rate as enough to warrant changing so much. More likely any spin-off would start some X length of time between, and we’d get an implied intermediary backstory (or even a mild retcon), and go from there. 

Truth is, whomever gets the spin-off will (I really hope) be a better writer and not have to deal with intrusive newbie EPs. Even then, they’d be kinda limited on what they could do, given the spin-off does need to make sense placed against the first series. Then again, VLD hasn’t respected its own premise or continuity for the past few seasons, anyway. 

So I guess there’s always the option to start with an episode that retells VLD’s ending... Kinda awkward, but not unheard of, to basically retcon a previous series out of existence.  

I have no doubt DW is looking into what went wrong with this season. I know it might be a little to late to fix all of Season 8, but do you think they would have at least maybe the last few episodes changed to give a better ending to the show - or at least more respect to Shiro as a character?

Normally I’d say no. I mean, episode 1 should have characters making choices that in turn impact episode 2, and those choices prompt the events in episode 3... but that’s a logic VLD threw out the window somewhere between S3 and S4, and it’s only gotten worse since then. 

In which case, oh sure, why not? It wouldn’t make any less sense than what they’ve already got planned, if S7 is any indication. 

Could the reaction to season 7 cause any change the execs minds going into season 8? 

One problem: this is a Dreamworks production, but it’s not a DW-owned story. It’s a franchise: there are other players involved. There are the two guys who first butchered GoLion into Voltron, Toei whose story got that embutcherment, Netflix as the distributor, along with Playmates and Lion Forge and other contracted partners. There’s a lot more people at the table than just DW. 

It’s one thing for the EPs to say they messed up, and apologize. It’s quite another for Dreamworks to admit publicly their lousy (or nonexistent) oversight allowed the situation to happen. 

Legal would have apoplexy, for starters. What wins you a franchise is often showing you have the confidence (if not sheer chutzpah) that you can do this job justice like no other. And then you hit S7 and must admit you hired people who made a complete hash of it? 

If there’s anything that will cost the EPs any future roles of a similar position, it’s that they’ve put DW in a very uncomfortable position. Caught between a furious fanbase and overly-interested co-owners, someone --- or several someones --- are treading very lightly right now. They’re not going to forget the EPs are the ones who precipitated the whole mess. 

I think we are in a unique situation where the fact that the EPs were vocal about [changing] VLD ... could be a blessing for us & DW. [But we know it] was changed, & DW's part seems to be more negligence than direct fault like the EPs. So DW can drop it or fix it, and a rewrite would be worth us sticking around, while restoring DW's name.

Again, that depends on whether DW is in a position that they can do so. I assure you they’d throw the EPs under the bus at the first opportunity, because that’s how the corporate world works. So their failure to do so is either because they don’t see the EPs’ actions as untenable (as far as we know), or because doing so would expose DW corporate to greater retaliation from elsewhere. (It could also be part of the agreement that these particular EPs are in place for the duration of the series’ production, too. Sometimes that happens.) 

I still can’t get over the fact that the EPs were so blunt about having already had a script fully written when they asked to revise. From the Studio Mir leaks, we can guess at least some of the animation was already in production at least a year ago, or earlier. That’s a lot to redo. 

Here’s something that only just occurred to me, when I listed the co-partners in this franchise: the Koplar brothers. These are the geniuses who figured they didn’t need to know Japanese to make GoLion into an american production; turns out they were geniuses on some level ‘cause it was a hit, anyway. They went on to produce Voltron: Fleet of Doom (1986), Voltron: the Third Dimension (1998), and Voltron Force (2011). If there is anyone at the table who’d be likely to have nostalgia goggles, it’d be the Koplars. This has been their ongoing story in one way or another for over 30 years. 

Originally, the EPs said they weren’t tied to nostalgia; they weren’t going to redo the story as it was, but the story as they remembered. (I’d argue this actually indicates a stronger set of nostalgia goggles, but eh.) Their determination to get rid of Shiro has always felt like nostalgia goggles to me. Perhaps the Koplars were the greatest supporters of Keith as BP --- since that would respect the pattern they’ve followed, over and over, in all the iterations. 

Considering the Koplar’s somewhat litigious background over Voltron ownership, they may’ve had the ability to overrule. So... if you want to bench Shiro, you pitch your work with the execs who are most likely to agree with you. And if you can do that in the window between the previous VP of TV retiring and a brand-new external hire coming on as VP... welp, you got permission, and the new VP may’ve signed off, not realizing the impact. 

Which would put DW over a barrel, in some ways. If DW could’ve overruled their partners, the EPs never would’ve been able to make that end-run in the first place. 

How do u think DW will try to get us to watch s8? They & the EPs have shattered our trust and the show is so messy its almost unsalvageable. 

Stay to see X point's resolution? Yeah, we stayed many seasons for nothing, next. 

We have more rep? Ex. blonde girl is autistic... So we should be scared for her too??? 

There's more queer rep? Yeah, we heard that one already. 

Unless everyone responsible is fired and a new crew runs the next seasons?

I don’t know. I would hope the answer is ‘by giving us a story that makes sense, and creates closure for all the protagonists, and not just by making two of them emotional rewards for two other characters.’ 

At this point, there is only one thing that’s going to make Dreamworks change course: if the fallout from VLD impacts its other projects. If the majority of the VLD fanbase up and announced it would be boycotting She-Ra or Fast & Furious or Trollhunters on the grounds that DW screwed up so badly with VLD that it cannot be trusted... Then you’d see movement. If the PR got so bad from so many upset and angry VLD fans that major news outlets paid attention and started writing articles about the situation, that would also put a black mark beside Dreamworks’ name -- and then you’d see movement. 

With the VLD toys a failure (for whatever mismanaged reasons) and a financial model set entirely on toys, fixing VLD now would be throwing good money after bad. Unless, of course, there’s an impact beyond just this single series. 

Until Dreamworks can see the impact in some concrete sense, they have far more to lose from their partners than they have to gain from their fanbase. It’s just how it is, with corporations in late capitalism. 

You want to make an impact? You tell Dreamworks ahead of time, and then you follow through: pick a week and go silent. Nothing about VLD, here or on twitter or anywhere else. No reblogs on She-Ra updates. Ignore the podcasts. Don’t click on the articles. That stuff’ll be there when the week is over, after all. Show DW what it’s like when a fanbase checks out, by doing it. It’s a short-term boycott, but the reason groups do boycotts is because they work. 

[acradaunt]

EON Playthrough: Week 5

Did someone order a bunch of stupid-looking boss fights? Because you're tripping over bosses every ten encounters in the 10th and 11th strata. It was nicer when they were dumped in optional areas. The weirdest thing is that I daresay that 11th's boss is easier than 11th's midboss, which is easier than the 10th's boss, which is easier than the 10th's midboss. Difficulty be weird, because I bought basically nothing after fully kitting out for the 10th's midboss, which still proved highly challenging.

Difficulty is still there, perhaps more than ever, though. I don't know if it's just a side-effect of party-swapping and being underlevelled by 10-15 levels, but I'm having as much or more difficulty than the start of the game. In most RPGs, there's this one magical point where the difficulty goes straight downhill, only to recover for ludicrously cheap and unfair superbosses. In both EOIV and EOV, the 5th and final story stratum was just a bulldoze-fest, where even FOEs were immediately swatted aside. Though EOV's 5th stratum's theming suggests that it's supposed to be the weirdest-timed breather level ever, so, maybe that one was intentional, if bizarre. Sure hasn't been happening here. That's a good thing, I think. Though it does make me feel like I started sucking suddenly, or something.

A fairly pointless word of warning: it seems that the 10th stratum boss will crash your game if all four of its minions are out and active at the end of the turn. It's fairly moot though, because if that's the situation, you're probably not coming back from it anyway. Save data was fine afterwards, so I don't think it's dangerous or anything. Game just probably couldn't handle that much garbage thrown my way. Frankly, I'm surprised someone lived long enough for it to crash. I think I've heard that the 12th stratum boss can crash the game too so that's, ugh, nice.

Iris the Protector/Imperial: Tremendously useful during the 10th stratum's random encounters. Virtually every single enemy does mass-elemental damage, though it's not uncommon to see both Volt+Ice in the same fight, so it's choosing which you think you can bind first. Again, it's just bizarre to think that it took until the very last game in the series for elemental defense to be worth anything. It's also probably a little because every other guard skill does nothing at all against elementals that are making them good. I didn't take her for the 10th's boss, and it was kind of hilarious/infuriating that the one/two encounters you have to deal with on your way there proved to be more troublesome than the boss themselves. I guess I wasn't taking them seriously, trying to conserve TP for the boss, but still. Iris fared decently enough in the 11th stratum, especially with the most irksome threat having INSANE speed, but was more there because I didn't trust Olga's survivability one tiny bit. I'm starting to feel that Imperial was a mistake, as Natural Edge does markedly less damage than Shield Bash, and even the almighty Assault Drive does like maybe 600 damage, well under what Laura's doing waving her tiny staff of doom around. On the other hand, I haven't really invested many points into it, so maybe it's not a fair comparison.

Stella the Zodiac/Protector: Also genuinely great for the 10th stratum, with elemental foes generally hating elemental damage. And even if not, Prophecy can shut down an enemy, though it's four times more expensive than the Protector's version.

Klein the Hero/Imperial: I was correct in thinking he was useless damage-wise against the 10th stratum boss. And he was. But Frigid Slash's splash turned out to be more defensively useful than anything else could be. He then immediately went back to sleep for the entire next stratum.

Laura the Medic/Landsknecht: Laura's unironically doing Ronin-levels of damage with Star Drop and Head Bash, in addition to having a get-out-of-bullshit button and being the only class with an actual way to handle row-wide ailments. Yes, she has been hogging one of the two fairly obscene +45 VIT, +50 HP Amulets, which is making her buff enough to take a hit as well as a Landsknecht, but she's making mighty good use of it. Being a Landsknecht herself lets her refresh Coral's Breaks, but I'm never certain if she's extending Coral's superior debuffs or overwriting them with a longer duration. If I was smart, I'd probably look into figuring that mystery out. I am not smart.

Kagura the Ninja/Ronin: Superstar of the 11th stratum. Didn't really know why, but I just randomly felt like bringing her along into dangerous new territory, and wow did it pan out. Everything down there hated either Sleep or Panic or both. There were multiple times I got ambushed by monsters, thought, well, 'I ain't making it outta this, even with Healing Touch', then one sleepy kunai barrage or panic bomb later, the whole encounter just got trivialized. She also made a habit of making Iris look like an idiot for this reason, with her getting ready for a Full Guard, then every single enemy just miraculously drifts off to sleep in front of her. Oh well, better safe than sorry.

Yai the Pugilist/Ninja: Brought her back when Paralysis was needed for a conditional, a whole eight strata since last time. She can hold her own now, though damage remains iffy, but not terrible. As before, her subpar One-Two Punch and Coral/Kahna's subpar Links combine into something rather decent. Being wildly underlevelled meant she wasn't outpacing enemies reliably, either. Still proved her worth, though, as along with universally hating the Ninja's ailment options, nobody really liked Bash, either (probably why Laura could outclip a Ronin in terms of damage). I was sorely debating whether or not to drop the 540k needed to get the ultimate Cestus for the 11th's boss, but after beating it decisively in a 'test run', there really wasn't a need. Now sitting on 630k with the shiny ultimate rapier freshly available (I dumped Formaldehyde on the 11th's boss when it survived with a sliver of HP), I'm tempted more now than ever to buy something dubiously overpowered. Maybe I should buy one of the six or so ultimate armours I've unlocked instead. They're cheaper, and less game-breaky. But I mean, though, I've earned the right to buy them all legitimately, so it's not cheating, so, like, don't judge me if I do buy 'em.

Erika the Ronin/Gunner: Stabbed some foes and bosses. Good as always, though was definitely lagging behind Coral in damage (though she doesn't have Coral's TP issues, so it evens out). I wonder if the rest of the party doesn't think she's got split personality or something, as she and Kagura look nigh identical, are never seen together, and use the same gear.

Olga the Gunner/Ninja: Like Erika, little to say. Came for FOEs/bosses, otherwise was benched for Stella and Yai. Mostly, I just don't have many serious options for backline damage, and with Laura spending 80% of her time up front, there's not a lot of room up there. Heck, even when Iris, the friggin' Protector was around, she was hanging in the back at least half the time.

Leon the Sovereign/Ronin: He definitely would've made the 11th's midboss easier, undoing his highly annoying debuff, but I beat him almost by accident, so I guess it wasn't necessary. Every time I bring him out hoping to use Prevent Order to block Ailments, it fails spectacularly, time and time again. Ronin continues to feel like a complete waste on him. Dunno what would be viable, though. Medic is off the table due to Corsage being that, and Zodiac likewise is taken by Princess Beryl. Landsknecht? Protector? Arcanist? Doesn't really matter, since I'm probably not gonna bother resting, just idle thoughts.

Tate the Arcanist/Harbinger: Proved absolutely vital in taking down a single highly infuriating FOE in a side-dungeon. One who could resurrect itself to full health if it wasn't panicked. Otherwise, still hasn't entered a single battle. So that ice scythe wasn't a total waste of money, after all. Only mostly a waste.