#you call it being soft on main i call it being my most authentic self

[trueshredguitar]

I saw your post tags about transitioning would save Hawkeye pierce and I’m very curious, say more (if you’d like)

hawkeye has a lot of scenes that convey gender nonconformity under a humorous lens. sometimes it’s scenes implying that he’s sexually or romantically attracted to men; these scenes aren’t just “haha he’s expressing attraction to men,” they’re often based around the premise of hawkeye being a wife, being a woman, being pursued/“claimed,” and a shocking amount of references to pregnancy? see: “i know you’re a general and i’m just a captain but i wanna have your baby! i’ll kiss all your stars!”

i.e. the joke being made is about hawkeye liking men but it’s RARELY phrased as him being a homosexual man, it’s OFTEN phrased as him being a heterosexual woman

and sometimes it’s simply scenes calling him a girl or making references to him being soft/feminine/emasculated. often times he will make these jokes HIMSELF and call himself an aunt, a mother, a girl, demure or other adjectives that women were socialized to aspire to in the era. his friends will often refer to him like this without any hint of mocking, just lightheartedness (trapper referring to him as “miz hawkeye”)

i apologize that i don’t have the links right now but if you go into my archive and look in my “mash” tag there are video compliations of a lot of these moments, and the compliations don’t even include all of them

also imo these moments hawkeye has a) contrast with klinger’s relationship to his femininity/gender nonconformity, as he is all about playing with outward presentation, and b) compare with margaret’s relationship to HER gender. which, margaret’s gender by itself is an absolutely wildly progressive examination of womanhood where she is allowed to be “masculine” in many aspects of her life while still asserting herself that she is a WOMAN and always will be despite what she does, or how her life, career, or personality looks. that SHE is the arbiter and determinator of her gender and not how much she keeps into the femininity box. i wish i had concrete examples of why i think this, but it’s been a little bit since i watched the show and i think it’s mostly me reading too much into things

i think also hawkeye’s disassociation issues and complex ptsd is really like. advanced in contrast to other people in the 4077th. he’s the main character for a reason and that’s because he’s the one with the deepest emotional wounds and the drunkest, promiscuous, saddest, most insomniatic doctor in the place. there had been psychological issues in place before he had been sent to korea and none of them were very cut-and-dry as we find.

in conclusion i think the fictional man with noted androgynous presentation who flouts gender conventions as well as masculine army structures and patriarchal power structures and constantly refers to himself as a woman and uses a psuedonym instead of his birth name and has very pronounced psychological issues and self-harming tendencies could be trans in 1950-whatever without good words for it, or be unable to in any way shape or form live authentically, and i think being able to be a woman would have probably made hawkeye’s life just a little bit easier. maybe transitioning wouldn’t save her because estrogen won’t airlift you out of korea but like maybe hawkeye would be a little less buffeted by the outward winds of the world. if any part of the world wouldn’t have buffeted her harder for it, anyways.

i mean, one of mash’s biggest themes at the end of the day is that we’re trapped in the time loop, a small and restrictive and violent thing set up by forces outside of our control that will hurt us if we defy them or dare to do anything the loop doesn’t already contain. and it hurts everyone, all the time, and no one knows why we keep doing it, only that we have to. and hawkeye’s the central victim of this. the time loop is war, the time loop is gender, the time loop is the american empire, the time loop is religion, the time loop is being who you are, forever, as They have forced you to be

[pinchinschlimbah]

Continuing from my previous post let's talk about the queercoding and themes in Dick Turpin episode 3! So first off, I had previously said I was hoping we'd get to hear more about Honesty's backstory since I was having a hard time identifying what his deal was, and I was delighted to find out this episode that the reason he needed less help finding himself than the other two is because he's got parents who are actively and enthusiastically supportive of his- and I use this phrase very intentionally- alternative lifestyle :)

In direct foil to this, the other main theme of the episode is Wilde's relationship with both himself and his son. Wilde is so caught up in the old fashioned, violent, and oppressive life path he's gone down that he views it as the only path and that anything less is failure. He prides himself in this toxic masculinity, and in the exchange Wilde and Dick have about it, Dick notes that Wilde seems insecure explicitly about not being the "big boss" in charge, and possibly implicitly (unbeknownst to Dick thus far) that Wilde's boss is a woman who has power over him. Just as we saw with Dick and his father in the first episode, Wilde seems to be resentful and embarrassed of his son for not living up to his expectations of what a man should be- he expresses frustration and dismissal towards Christopher for being too soft and not the violent criminal mastermind Wilde wishes his son to be, but also expresses that he feels Christopher is too fragile to be exposed to the world without his father's protection and therefore shouldn't be given the chance to have his own experiences. In response to Wilde explaining that he expects Christoper to follow in his tough guy crime boss footsteps, Dick remarks "what if he wants to be an artist....or a barista...or an artist who works as a barista" which you cannot tell me isn't deliberate queercoding!!

In the later conversation between Dick and Wilde, Dick tries to find common ground between them as they each list their interests and we're shown the divide between staunch seriousness and compassionate enjoyment, toxic masculinity vs joyful flamboyancy. During the eventual moment of vulnerability from Wilde, he admits that he feels like the joyful parts of him have been drained away by the society he exists in, and only the serious and evil parts are left over. Dick, who by his own self-confidence and unabashed authenticity has clearly evaded this same fate despite seemingly experiencing a similarly conservative upbringing, remarks that that's a really bleak way of existing, and encourages Wilde to spend more time with his son and enjoy the world around him. Wilde, to his credit, does actually work toward following this advice! Meanwhile, Christopher (or as Nell calls him, which feels significant to all of this in that so much of Noel's work casually has no regard for traditional perception of gender, "Jennifer") once left to his own devices ends up bonding with the gang and admits that he himself wants to be a highwayman. He becomes particularly attached to Moose, arguably the most queer-coded (and I wouldn't be surprised if it becomes more explicitly stated later in the show given how he's been portrayed so far) character in the show- arriving in London twirling in his dress and being excited about dancing, flamboyant hats, and the theatre. After Christopher gets to spend a day with someone who encourages his flamboyance and sense of joy and fun rather than expecting him to be someone he's not, Christopher seems changed for the better and more sure of himself, and once he's reunited with his father who has been on his own journey of learning this lesson, the episode ends with the indication of them moving forward together towards a more compassionate, accepting, and happier future. Anywayyyy, I love this silly little show so goddamn much already. Stay tuned for probably more in the coming weeks!

Editor’s note: I just realized I forgot to address that Dick’s first choice of disguise was a female character and that the fight club leader reacts to her as a pretty lady but also like….do I even need to point that out? Standard par for the course for a Noel media hahaha

[let-them-read-fics]

Youth With You

Pairing: Lisa x Fem!Reader

Word Count: ~ 3,113

HC Count: 31

This is a mix between headcanons and a one shot

Warnings / Misc. -- Fluff, Little Hot & Heavy, (Public) Teasing, Happy Ending

Disclaimer: This writing is a work of fiction, and no disrespect is meant for those mentioned herein.

A/N: Hey everyone! Here’s my first writing for Lisa; I’m pretty proud of it! Feel free to let me know what you think. Happy reading, I hope you enjoy!

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

Becoming a new trainee was terrifying in every sense of the word. The media, the practices, the tests -- everything. 3 months into your coaching, however, things hit an all time high: you gained the opportunity to enter the competition Youth With You, as an independent trainee. Your freedom and right to expression was important to you, so it wasn’t an accident that you were going in independently. A company would only put pressure and bans on you, restricting your creativity and keeping you from being your most authentic self.

Finding out that Lisa was a mentor only made your nerves worse; at the same time, though, you’d never been more excited for something in your whole life.

Having friends in the industry proved to be an important factor as you prepped for the show. Producers and managers gave you advice, knowing exactly what each of the teachers looked for and demanded from their groups. You worked tirelessly to ready yourself for the whirlwind that was sure to come.

When you arrive at the production building, you’re in awe; the interior is ginormous, with insanely high ceilings and huge doors. Everything is coated in various colors, all of them pristine and beautiful. The labyrinth of halls that winds throughout the building before you is quite intimidating, but you take a deep breath and remind yourself of your reasons for being here. It’s far too important to chicken out now.

The staff had tipped you off to the fact that the mentors would be there today, but they neglected to tell you when. You had surely expected them to come in after everyone got settled. Alas, you were sorely mistaken; thus, you can imagine the surprise that etched into your features upon entering the main room.

Ella and Kun were invested in their papers, flipping through the stacks and whispering to each other; Jony J was turned to his right, chatting with Lisa. Your presence was announced by the rather loud thud that echoed through the room at the closing of the door.

The bright lights nearly blinded you as you turned to face them again, dread creeping into your mind.

“Hello everyone, I’m Y/N. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” The words came out cooler that you had expected, and you patted yourself on the back for remaining so calm. You’re known for managing to hide your nerves well and remain professional, but that’s no easy task with this group of talent. Especially her.

You purposefully tried to avoid looking at her, knowing you’d blush and get majorly sidetracked. You feared you wouldn’t be able to recover from that.

“I see that you’re an independent trainee,” Kun said, a smile spreading across his lips. You swallowed at the sight, knowing the questions were about to come rolling in. “Yes, that’s correct. I prefer working alone; I only have to rely on myself.” He studies you, head tilted to the side as he considers your answer, and you nearly melt under his astute gaze. “I was the same way. It’s never easy, but the mentors and I will be right beside you during your time here.” Knowing that these 4 amazing people were here to share their experiences and guide you through your troubles made the task at hand much less daunting, and you couldn’t help but smile at the thought. Despite the intensity of the competition, you felt at ease, knowing they genuinely want the best for you.

“Ah, look at that face! So cute,” Ella coos, grinning back. You hide your face behind your hands, embarrassed beyond belief. Everyone chuckles at the sight, and you join in. With the atmosphere officially comfortable, you allow your eyes to trail over to Lisa. To your surprise, she’s already looking at you, lip between her teeth. 

“I see that you have 2 special talents listed.” Lisa starts, leaving room for you to elaborate. “Yes ma’am. While studying abroad in my youth, I learned 3 languages in addition to my native English.” The mentors look pleasantly surprised, and you continue with your other skill. “My mother is a professional chef, and we’ve always been close. She’s trained me over the years, and that’s something I’m very thankful for. During my time away from home I was fortunate enough to learn new techniques and styles from across the world.”

As you finish talking about yourself, you look to each and every one of the judges separately. You know it’s important to have a good connection with all of them, and you use this chance to do just that.

Upon locking eyes with Lisa again, your breath hitches. The light blush that rests on her cheeks, combined with the look she’s giving you, is enough to make you swoon. It’s innocent enough, the way she’s watching you; after all, she can just blame it on her role as a teacher -- she has to get a good understanding of her students. However, though, behind the innocent facade lies a much more sensual reason for her behavior. You don’t miss the way her eyes rake up your body, nor her smirk as she notices your hands mindlessly toying with the band of your shorts. You do your best to keep your attention on the others as they ask you questions about your resume, but that’s easier said than done.

Once they’ve finished with their questions, they invite you to take a seat anywhere you’d like. Despite your desire to book it next to Lisa, you don’t want to be impolite; that’s also not to say that you didn’t enjoy the company of the others -- you truly did. Clearly, though, no one can compare to Lisa.

You give them all another smile, the dimples of your cheeks on full display, and approach them one-by-one to shake their hands. They appreciate the gesture, and you’re confident that you’ve won them over that much more.

As you make your way to the seat beside Lisa, your heart beats wildly. It’s difficult, but you manage to suppress your anxiety for the time being. Letting your control slip now is definitely not an option.

In contrast to the heated look she had been giving you just moments before, Lisa now dons an adorable smile that nearly makes your heart burst. In the moment, you almost reach forward to touch her puffed out cheeks. 

You sit down beside her, and she takes a minute to look you over again. It’s baffling how she can go from so wholesome and adorable to flirty in such a short period of time. 

As the time ticks on and the mentors work through the list of contestants, the two of you continue to steal conversations and teasing glances.

Things are ramped up, however, when Lisa’s hand finds its way to your thigh, settling there for a bit. You attempt to push the intrusive thoughts from your mind, but they come flooding back the second she leans in to whisper something into your ear.

“You look gorgeous,” she tells you, warm breath fanning over your neck. Her slight accent only adds to the effect that her words have on you. All you can offer is a breathless thank you, thoughts completely jumbled at having the stunning woman do such things to you.

Before anyone can get suspicious, she backs off. The disappointment must’ve been evident, because she chuckles lightly and pats your knee in response. Thankfully no one had been paying you two any mind.

~~~ Practices ~~~

It wasn’t often that you came into the studio upset or exhausted, considering you knew you’d soon be cheered up once you saw Lisa, but she made sure to take care of you when those times came around. She could read you like a book, easily knowing when you’d had enough and needed a break. That’s not to say that she lowered her standards, though -- she was firm and demanding, but she checked on you often. She respected all of her students, but she couldn’t deny that she had a soft spot for you. You lived for her soft gaze and gentle touches on the days you needed them most.

Other days, though, you got a kick out of teasing her; playing dumb, purposefully missing steps, ignoring her instructions -- anything to pull a reaction from her. 

          ↪“Eyes forward,” she would call out, voice strong, upon catching you talking to a fellow trainee when you were meant to be practicing. Her jaw would be set, eyes menacing.

          ↪“You keep messing up. Here,” she’d declare, demonstrating the moves directly in front of you. She knew exactly what to do to get you going, and sometimes your plans backfired a bit.

          ↪Those times that you’d play dumb were by far the best, both of you secretly loving the back and forth of it all. “I’m sorry, miss. I just can’t seem to get the moves right.” You’d say, appearing innocent and sweet all the while. It was hard to contain yourself when she’d approach you from behind, pressing her body against your own. “One here,” she’d inform, placing your hand on your hip; “...and one here,” she’d finish, correcting your position once again. When the music restarted, she counted next to your ear, keeping time as her warm hands held yours, guiding you through the positions.  

And of course, the majority of the time, you were a great student for her. Her praise had a mighty effect on you, and there existed a mutual love for it. Being a strong dancer often worked in your favor.

~~~ Performances ~~~

Anytime you were set to perform, Lisa made sure to settle in and get ready to enjoy herself. The two of you had spent many weeks getting to know each other better, growing closer in the process. She found you captivating, and always loved to watch you on stage. The same can be said for you; seeing her dance was always the highlight of your day.

The two of you made sure to play things up, having a knack for getting the other riled up and squirming in their seat.

Watching her cool demeanor falter and ultimately crumble before you was one of your favorite things in the whole world. One of its only rivals was how she had to attempt to conceal it, knowing the cameras would be on her often. 

“I-I loved it. I’m very proud of you, Y/N.”

You smirked at her stutter; no one else was capable of making her blush as much as you did

~~~ Bonus: Backstage ~~~

“You all did so well. I loved that dance break in the middle of the song.” You gushed to a group of your fellow contestants, smiling at how happy they were. Over the course of the competition you had become something of a “celebrity” yourself, noticing that the other girls would always approach you for help and get giddy when you agreed. Not to mention that the mentors were always proud of your progress and dedication to the craft. The conversation continued, and you settled into a comfortable rhythm; everyone taking a turn to share their favorite part of their performance. Seeing these girls -- your friends -- so proud of themselves was a wonderful thing. Everyone worked so hard, day in and day out, to put forth their best effort in everything that they did. Celebrating each other’s wins just felt right, despite the fact that this is a competition. It always hurt to see anyone go home, considering you spent so much time getting to know each other. These were the people who were there for you when you needed it most; all of you know how hopeless it can feel, and you wanted to protect the others from that in every way possible. 

“Y/N!” The sound of someone calling your name pulls you from the conversation, and you send a quick bow and goodbye to the girls before departing. 

Your eyes travel across the crowded stage, searching for the source of the noise. You spot Lisa looking at you, hand beckoning you towards her. A familiar warmth spreads across your body at the action, and you don’t even attempt to stop the smile that takes over your features.

“Yes?” You ask sweetly, approaching her. Her hands slip into yours, fingers lacing in a sweet embrace. “I want you to come to my dressing room once everyone goes back to the dorm. You impressed me tonight, but you still have some things to learn.” As that last sentence falls from her lips, your blood runs cold. Her voice had dropped lower, and you feared what she meant by that. Had you mixed up the choreography without realizing it? Surely not. The only thing you were sure of in that moment was the way she was studying you, almost intimidatingly. Her jaw was set, eyes narrowed, and you swallowed thickly upon noticing this. “Of course. I appreciate the feedback.” She smiled, seemingly pleased with your answer.

With a swipe of her thumb across your knuckles, she was gone.

A sigh left your lips, your mind racing at all of the possible things to come.

~~~ Bonus: A Private Meeting ~~~

“You wanted to see me, Lisa?” You announce upon entering the room and shutting the door behind yourself. The two of you had long ago left the formalities behind, opting instead to be on a first name basis. It was much more intimate, and you preferred things to be that way with her. Of course, occasionally you would use her official title just to get a certain reaction out of her. Slipping it into conversation when around the other instructors always worked to get her attention and catch her off guard. It was easy to see that she enjoyed it, the innocent way it rolled off your tongue. 

You sit down in the chair opposite her, feeling the coolness of the leather press against your calves as you get situated.

“Good job tonight; you get better and better with every performance.” You thank her, both well aware of how much you enjoy her praise. Her expression turns more serious, and you take a deep breath. Here goes. “I don’t think it’s wise for you to be so close with some of the other contestants, though. Not all of them are interested in gaining your friendship for the right reasons.” With furrowed eyebrows and slightly pursed lips, you look at her. “What exactly do you mean?” Her expression turns unreadable, and you sink into your seat a little more. “Some of them may want to get into your head to throw you off your game. Despite what you want to believe, Y/N, this is still a contest.” You sigh, now a bit upset that she’s treating you like a child. “I’m aware of that, Lisa, but I can take care care of myself.” At the change in tone, the air around you shifts into something more tense. “Are you sure? Because you seem to be pretty oblivious to their actions.” She bites back, shifting her seat to get a better look at you, and crosses her arms.

When you don’t respond, she takes this as her cue to continue. “Don’t play dumb, Y/N. I see the way they look at you, so entranced. They know that acting helpless will get your attention. It’s just to distract you!” She says, exasperated, jaw set and eyes cut, just like earlier.

“Are you jealous?” You ask, a contrasting tone of accusal and uncertainty in your voice. No turning back now.

She scoffs, rolling her eyes. “Jealous? Of what?” Her eyes setting on you again, a cocky expression on her face.

“Oh, I don’t know,” you start, toying with her; you know exactly what to say. “Maybe at the fact that they get to be so close to me all the time, like you want to be. Or maybe that we sleep together, especially when it gets cold in the dorms.”

It’s her turn to be speechless. “I’m more observant that you act, miss.” She gulps, and you bite back a smirk. “I see how you look at me; your desire is obvious. We’ve both known it for a long time now… Why don’t you just admit it?” The teasing tone in your voice is thick, and it’s clearly getting to her. Who knew you could make her feel like this with just your words?

“Y/N…” Lisa says your name almost as a warning, knowing that you’re on the edge of crossing the line. She failed to deny your claims; after all, it would do no good. She can’t disguise her feelings for you.

A surge of confidence washes over you, and you take that as a sign to scoot closer to her. Soon, you’re mere inches away from her, your body pressed against the side of the seat as you rest your chin in the palm of your hand. Her tongue darts out of her mouth, soothing her lips.

You take her in for a moment, enjoying the sight. Her long dark hair tumbles past her shoulders in loose waves, and a blush takes residence upon her cheeks. Having her like this was something you only dreamed of in the past; seeing her so aroused because of you truly made you think back on how far the two of you have come.

To put an end to the silence, you loop two fingers underneath her chin, successfully coaxing her into meeting your gaze. Your eyes fall to her lips as you ask, “Am I wrong?” Before you can continue, her resolve fades. She leans forward, capturing your lips in a searing kiss. Any ounce of doubt that you had before melts away as she pulls you closer.

With inhibition and processing skills long gone, you slip from your chair and into hers, settling in her lap. One of her arms wraps around your waist to hold you steady, while her other hand tangles itself into your hair. A swift bite to your lip, paired with a flex of her warm thigh beneath you, sends a jolt through your body and earns her a low groan. She shudders against you, and that simple act works wonders in boosting your confidence.

All too quickly, a sudden noise from just outside the door startles you; reluctantly, Lisa pulls away. You nearly gasp at how dark her eyes have gotten in the heat of the moment. “I’m going to go see what that was,” she informs, gently setting you down in her seat as she stands up. Before turning to walk away, however, she plants another kiss on your lips. “Don’t even think about moving. I’m not done with you yet.”

[dingoat]

[So, @cinlat has been dabbling in a Sith au for her Fynta, with cameo slots available for various other characters to come hang out. And just the little bit of contemplation we had about where Ahuska might slot into this particular version of events, I wound up inspired enough to dabble with a scene! So welcome to an Ahuska who still wound up adopted into Mandalorian life, but has not forgotten/repressed her early years. Rather than their usual easy friendship, she and Fynta wind up butting heads more often than not and bumping into one another more than either would like. Apologies if I’ve gotten Fynta totally wrong, I will put up a disclaimer that I’m throwing this out here without any sort of proofing from Cinlat so she gets the final call as to the authenticity of this scene! I’ve also borrowed @askshivanulegacy’s Blakk for the ride, I think I needed a little cathartic fluff to counterbalance all the fluff-gone-wrong happening elsewhere hahahaha.]

‘Not on My Watch’ 

“I don’t know why you won’t just let me take a speeder…”

Ahuska lifted a hand to cut him off, raising a finger and shaking her head with a smile. It was no secret that the young bothan was soft for this particular Imperial Agent, even if her clanmates were quick to remind her that no self respecting human Kaas citizen would pursue anything more than a functional work relationship with her, a rudderless, stable-working alien. 

She chose not to listen to what her clanmates had to say.

“Because a speeder won’t pull back when it feels the ice getting too thin or warn you when you cross a wampa’s path, that’s why.”

Cipher Blakk rolled his eyes and pulled the zipper of his insulated parka higher, but it still wasn’t enough to keep his face properly protected from the frankly absurd level of chill. “It’s not as though I plan to park on an ice sheet…”

“Uh huh, and you’ll know exactly what’s under the two inch layer of snow that’s just fallen…”

He huffed, and she laughed, opening the stall door against which she was leaning to lead out the young tauntaun buck she already had saddled and haltered. “Quit fretting. Thunder here is a solid ride and a soft touch, he won’t give you any problems, and I’d trust him over any autopilot to get you safely back to base if something goes wrong.” Blakk felt some unexpected warmth rise in his cheeks, and while he wondered for the thousandth time why she cared so much that he got back safely, the buck lowered his head to snuffle through Ahuska’s hair. She raised a hand to give the tauntaun a firm rub on the cheek and horn. “Yeah, you’re a good boy aren’t you? You’ll be good for the Empire’s elite, won’t you? Won’t you my good soft woolly buddy…”

Ahuska’s ears flicked at the same moment as Thunder’s twitched, and a heartbeat later Blakk’s head turned as well, hearing the heavy rasp of an iron gate lifting. 

Ahuska had been stationed on the remote Hoth outpost for the last month and a half, more than enough time to get to know the sound of every latch and door in the stables, and the animals that spent their lives here knew them even better. Her sky blue eyes turned to ice as she squinted, staring down into the lower level. “Who… oh.��

Her lips turned to a tight, flat line as she recognised the figure down below, and the coolness in her expression was enough to prompt Blakk to lift a brow. “Ahh, is something the matter…?”

“We’ll see. What is she… oh, oh no, no no no…”

The Cipher suddenly found himself with a set of reins thrust into his hands, with Ahuska taking the liberty of closing his fingers around them and squeezing tight. “What… what are you…?”

“Hold him. Hold him tight and don’t let go for a second, distract him with this if you can…” She shoved a pinkish rock of some sort toward him, and with his hands full he was forced to stoop and hold it under his chin, expression nothing short of bewildered.

“I don’t… oh, gods no,” Blakk had the profound discomfort of realising then that it was a block of salt, as Thunder pressed forward with an eager little warble and began to lick at it. He made a tiny sound of dismay. “Ahuska…!”

But she was already gone, not even sticking around to have a snigger at his predicament, darting down the stairwell rather than waiting on one of the stocklifts. “Oi! Oi, di’kut, what’n Kad’s name do you think you’re doing---!!”

The object of Ahuska’s anger turned, unnaturally blue eyes flashing with irritation, and then immediately turned back to the stall door she’d been about to open.

“Don’t you dare touch that! Who the hell authorized you to be down here and what the shab d’you think you’re doing opening straight up into the yards?” Rather than heading straight toward the Sith, Ahuska veered to the far wall where a harsh wind blustered through the now gaping entry to the outdoor paddocks, and slammed her fist against a set of controls.

“This animal is… Shen-Four-Seven, isn’t it?” Fynta Wolfe, Assassin for Sith Intelligence and Infiltration, glared at the Bothan stablekeep who stood firm in the gateway, as though she could somehow block her passage while the heavy gate groaned back shut. She cut a strong silhouette against the glaring white world outside, framed with reflected light and fluttering snowflakes.

“Star, yeah, that’s her.” Ahuska’s tone was curt. She didn’t enjoy dealing with Fynta any more than she explicitly had to. Never mind that the Sith knew far more about her than Ahuska was comfortable with, but the fact that Fynta thought she could just slip on some beskar and mingle amongst the clans as though she weren’t an out-and-out Sith grated at her terribly. The nerves struck were just… a little too close to home.

“Then she’s the one I’ve been assigned while I’m on duty here. And since I’m not here to take riding lessons, I don’t see why I need to answer to you of all people, stablekeep.”

Ahuska bristled as the steel gate locked shut behind her, putting an abrupt halt to the chill wind. “Maybe ‘cause every last one of these animals has been assigned to me while I’m on duty here, and I don’t give a damn if you’re the Emperor himself, you don’t take one outside without my say-so. Not a taun, not a vulp, not a gods-damned arctic womp-weasel! So you can take your fingers off that latch and let me do my job, or you can deal with the shab’la stampede you’re about to let loose. It’s stable master, by the way.”

Fynta knew Ahuska wasn’t the type to lie for the sake of a power trip. The bothan’s conviction and ferocity at this moment was enough to give her pause and slowly arch a brow, though her tone was flat and unconvinced. “Stampede. You mean the whole three out in the main yard.”

“Mmm.” Ahuska’s tone was equally flat, but there was something smug about the way she lifted her chin and stared down the bridge of her muzzle toward the Sith. “Those three first, if Thunder up on the balcony doesn’t fling himself over to beat them to it.” She gestured upward and over her shoulder with a thumb, toward where Blakk diligently kept a firm but wary hold of the tauntaun buck Ahuska had left in his care. The agent swiftly averted his gaze when he realised attention had momentarily turned his way. “Then the seven in the exercise yards ‘cause let’s face it, those fences aren’t gonna stop a buck in rut, and maybe the dozen in the outer…”

“Excuse me?”

“Excuse what?”

“A buck in rut?”

“I said what I said. I know it doesn’t look much like the seasons change here on Hoth, but believe me, there are seasons, and we’re in the thick of one right now. Your little Star there…” Ahuska dipped her head toward the stall door that Fynta remained precariously close to opening, though to her credit her fingers were looser on the handle than they had been moments before. “Is a very, very appealing little lady at the moment. She gets lead out through the back to be worked in the yards on the south ridge or not at all, and when she’s being groomed and treated in here this gate…” She slapped the metal surface behind her with the back of her hand. “Stays shut! I wouldn’t even recommend her for a mission today or tomorrow unless you were absolutely certain of no wild herds en route and let’s face it, you can never be certain of that…”

Fynta hadn’t exactly paled, but she was definitely looking less confident about taking her assigned mount out onto the slopes.  She found herself feeling unwittingly grateful that the blasted bothan had been here to intercept her, and then an equal measure of furious at herself for feeling grateful at all. “Alright, alright, fierfek, just get me a more suitable animal ready as soon as you can, I’ve wasted enough time here already…”

“Of course, my Lord,” Ahuska’s grin was far too toothy, her flourished salute and bow far too exaggerated to be genuine. She enjoyed watching Fynta bite back her seething a little too much. “And let me know what shebs-for-brains gave you Star to begin with so I can have some words.”

“I’ll try to find out,” Fynta lied. No way in hell was she going to let Ahuska know that, in a bid to get herself in and out of Hoth as swiftly as possible, she might have forged a signature or two on a requisition document here and there, and arbitrarily assigned the tauntaun to herself. She straightened, stepping away from the stall, and stared Ahuska squarely in the eye. “I’ll be back in ten minutes. Don’t keep me waiting.”

She didn’t give Ahuska the opportunity to respond, making her way smartly off down a corridor. The bothan might come across as meek as a runt nerf calf most of the time, but Force be damned if she didn’t find a spine and a half where her animals were concerned. Fynta couldn’t decide whether she was impressed or irritated, and just found herself hoping that Ahuska would be able to find the same amount of backbone if anyone ever pressed her about matters that remained better left unspoken.

She really didn’t want to see another decent Mandalorian having their arm twisted into Imperial service.

Ahuska, meanwhile, had every intention of keeping Fynta waiting; she had another Agent of the Empire to finish dealing with first, and she wasn’t going to rush seeing Blakk and Thunder off soundly for the sake of a single agitated Sith. Her hackles were already smooth and the set of her ears fully relaxed by the time she made it back to the upper level, though the way Blakk’s wide-eyed gaze settled on her when she flashed him a grin threatened to dishevel her all over again.

“Didn’t give you any trouble, did he?”

“No, you were great- I mean he, he was great. Thunder was… great. Perfect. No trouble.”

Ahuska might have plenty of backbone when it mattered, but that didn’t stop certain moments making her utterly weak. She coughed into her hand, glancing aside as she took back the reins and returned the remains of the salt lick to her pocket. “Ahh, uh, right, good. Good! Where have you got your gear then? Better get him all loaded up for you.”

---

[And now a bonus for everyone who got this far, hahaha, have some zipped up Hoth geared little Imperials. Ahuska thinks they’re both ridiculous for complaining so much about the cold.]

[arpwrites]

oh and since you're doing a BTS Hogwarts house reading I want to give my own input that despite Yoongi being a Slytherin is a fandom fave I once read an entire longass argument for Yoongi being an unconventional Gryffindor (I remember some points being he's constantly talking about being led by his own beliefs rather than external factors and we know he feels his entire existence is to give to others) and I've never been able to see him the same since thanks for coming to my Ted talk - YJ

Okay you didn’t ask for this but you know what, I’m gonna take this as permission to ramble about my BTS HP House headcanons and you can’t stop me ⛄️🔥 

JIN is a Hufflepuff primary 🟡/ Gryffindor secondary 🔴He is steadfast, he’s there when you need him and is as essential to BTS as meat needs salt. You don’t realize it’s value till it’s missing though it’s hard to pick it out as a main ingredient of a dish. He’s intensely loyal and values interpersonal relationships. He’s good with people and puts them above ambition or knowledge or bravery. He also exhibits other Hufflepuff traits like being dependable, compassionate, genuine, accepting, well-rounded, and a hard worker. His Gryffindor characteristics are mainly his tendency to be chivalrous. He always steps in to bring attention to himself on shows when it seems like the boys are struggling or need a break even though he’s one of the most introverted members. He’s also playful when comfortable and tongue-in-cheek funny, traits I associate with Gryffindor.

YOONGI is a Hufflepuff primary 🟡/ Slytherin secondary 🟢Hear me out. We’re well aware of his Slytherin tendencies i.e., hard work, ambition, drive, determination, perfectionism, self-reliance, ruthlessness, thrives on praise etc. The only reason I think it’s a secondary placement is because I think he consciously prioritizes Hufflepuff characteristics above Slytherin ones and like Dumbledore said, it’s our choices that show us who we truly are more than our abilities. All my Astro/Tarot posts have painted Yoongi as someone who is immensely generous and wants to do good. He didn’t get tattoos because he feared it would obstruct the charity work he intends to do in the future. Yoongi is hardworking and determined and tenacious and loyal (RunBTS doesn’t count) and these are traits Slytherin shares with Hufflepuff. He’s also practical and patient and dependable and so soft and dorky. And, he isn’t unemotional, he just doesn’t flaunt his emotions, which is another Hufflepuff trait.

HOSEOK is a Gryffindor primary 🔴/ Slytherin secondary 🟢I know this is ironic considering Hobi is Scaredy Cat #1 in Bangtan buuuuuuuut we’ve got to remember that courage isn’t the absence of fear but rather courage despite it. Hobi displays plenty of Gryffindor characteristics: he’s Loud, passionate, playful, a leader. His style is spunky and rebellious and he just doesn’t care what you think. He’s intensely loyal and protective towards his friends, which are also traits shared by Slytherin. His other snakey characteristics include the scary ruthless intelligence my tarot cards say lurk underneath, his sadistic dom side,  the way he rebuffs interviewers (“Thanks for worrying about us :)”), the whole other J-Hope that came out when he got left behind at the gas station, etc. 

JOON is a Slytherin primary 🟢/ Ravenclaw secondary 🔵Although Namjoon has a really high IQ, Ravenclaw isn’t his primary placement because clumsy as he is, Joon isn’t the absentminded professor type nor is he driven by curiosity. He’s more the intelligent leader who knows which card to play at what time. More than knowledge for knowledge’s sake, Joon uses his mind to strategize and produce work that isn’t just artistic but also commercially viable. He is a leader with great ambition and drive who fiercely takes care of his own any way he can. When confronted, Joon would respond with his Slytherin side, not his Ravenclaw side. Thus I present that Joon’s Slytherin traits of hard work, drive, perfectionism etc. supercede his cognitive abilities.

JIMIN is a Slytherin primary 🟢/ Hufflepuff secondary 🟡Jimin is hella smart and very sensitive to how he presents himself. Every move he makes is calculated to control how he’s perceived. My tarot reads paint him as a Slytherin too - he’s distrustful of people and quite diabolical in some ways. Despite these traits, I think he’s a Hufflepuff secondary because Jimin does genuinely love and care for his Chosen Few. He can’t help but melt when called Mochi or resist mothering the rest and making sure they have plenty of photographs of themselves. His Slytherin tendencies take primary stage because that is the outer shell he uses to protect himself.

TAEHYUNG is a Gryffindor primary 🔴/ Slytherin secondary 🟢 Tae’s key characteristics are his authenticity and assertiveness. It takes a lot of courage to be one’s true self and Tae has mentioned before that if he could be remembered for one thing, he’d want to be remembered as someone who was courageous (← see Dumbledore quote above about choices revealing our selves.) Apart from courage, Tae’s other Gryffindor traits are his childlike joy, sense of adventure and wonder, honesty, playfulness, trusting and idealistic nature, and impulsiveness. I put him down as a Slytherin secondary rather than a Hufflepuff secondary because I think that the Hufflepuff traits he does have such as loyalty and good-heartedness overlap with his Gryffindor traits. Considering his savageness on WeVerse and charm, I think Slytherin is a more apt second placement.

JUNGKOOK is a Gryffindor primary 🔴/ Hufflepuff secondary 🟡Self explanatory!!! Kook is a buff, competitive, playful baby with the biggest heart!! He’s honest and passionate and funny and doesn’t take himself too seriously. He’s trusting, stubborn, loyal, compassionate, well-rounded (!), hard working, and open minded. Gryffindor is his primary over Hufflepuff because of his gym bod and tendency to be more aggressive/competitive than a patient doormat.

Okay that’s it for my thoughts, now I’d love to hear yours!!! Send in your BTS HP House headcanons along with why you think so 🧙🏽‍♀️✨ It’d make for interesting discussion, I’m so curious to know how you perceive the boys and whether you agree with me or not 👀It’ll also be interesting to see if what my cards have to say match up with this, stay tuned for the tarot reading folks!! 

PS: I’d love a link to the Gryffindor Yoongi post!!! By any chance was it referring to the sortinghatchats system? I could see it making sense that way because Gryffindor primaries in this system are motivated by their own perception of what is moral and that kinda sounds like what you described? Apart from that, 100% agree on how he feels it’s his existence to give to others, my vedic astro posts on him scream that too. 

[mirkwoodshewolf]

An All Hallow Queen’s night; AU! MONSTER Queen x teen reader

*Author’s note*

Hey all well I tried to get this done yesterday but some things came up and I just couldn’t but after putting you all through some haunting Hallowqueen fics throughout last month, I thought I might make it up with a more fluffier fic than my mini series turned out.

I hope that everyone had a good and safe Halloween last night and as we approach the 1 year anniversary of the movie Bohemian Rhapsody coming up in the next day or two (some in England or Europe might’ve already celebrated it, however in America we get some things a week later than ya’ll lucky ducks) anyways I hope that everyone had fun and if weatherwise it didn’t work out for anyone I hope you all still got candy and treats.

Now for this fic there is some haunting elements because this is an AU! Monster fic as you can tell and I first want to give credit where credit it due. Ever since seeing the beautiful Hallowqueen artwork that was done by @amedvleec​ in honor of the first ever Hallowqueen celebration (and I hope we have more of this in the Halloweens to come, cause this was honestly a LOT of fun for me, hbu?), I was inspired to try and write a fic based off your artwork and what you had made the guys in your drawing. It was hard to figure out where to take it but I finally came down to it. So I want to THANK YOU FOR CREATING SUCH A BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF ART AND I LOOK FORWARD TO SEE WHAT ELSE YOU COME UP WITH :)

Taglist:

@psychosupernatural​

@plethora-of-things​

@ixchel-9275​

@waddles03​

@geek-and-proud​

@queendeakyy​

@precioustyler​

@platawnic​

__________________________________________________________

It was that time of year again, the time of year where kids can wear their costumes and run amuck.  The time of year where houses are done up all horrifying and you can scare the living shit out of some people, yep I’m talking about Halloween.  And this year was gonna be the best Halloween ever.

Especially since this year I was hosting the yearly Halloween party for Team Queen.  The roadies, sound techs, and of course the band members themselves were all gonna come over to my place and we were gonna have ourselves a little ‘Spook-a-poloza’.

I was putting the final touches to the outside of the haunted ‘maze’ that would be down in my basement and my cousins were putting on the last touches of their costumes and makeup.  Once the webbing looked good I stepped back and observed.

“Ohh yeah. Very terrifying.” It was then I heard a clank at my window, almost like someone had thrown a pebble at my window. I walked over towards the living room but I saw no one there.  I shrugged it off and went over to check on my gummy ‘cockroaches and caterpillar’ Jell-O cups when I heard the clank at my window again.

At this point I was getting a little scared as I walked right up to the window and turned on the deck light.  All was quiet when suddenly someone jumped out and literally scared the shit out of me.  I then heard the familiar chuckles and laughter and there dressed in his normal concert all black attire with two black gloves both imprinted with diamond claws, and wearing cat ears on top was Freddie Mercury.

“Damn it Freddie!”

“Did I scare you darling?”

“What do you think you bastard.” He chuckled before heading over to my front door.  I opened it up and allowed him in.  He grinned and opened his arms out for a hug.  I accepted his hug and allowed him inside. “So why so early Fred? Usually you’re the last one to arrive.”

“Well it’s Halloween, plus if it’s your party I’ll always be the first one to arrive. Especially if I get to spend more time with you.”

“Ohh I see, you were just trying to beat Deacy from coming over first.”

“Oh okay fuck it yes that’s the reason why.” He said bluntly to which I laughed.  

“Well since you’re here, care to be my taste tester for my ‘cockroaches and caterpillars’?”

“If it’s anything your cooking darling, count me in.” I led him into the kitchen and allowed him to test out my Jell-O creepy crawlies.  As he tried a caterpillar I heard the doorbell ring. “Okay get back to me with your answer when I get back. And don’t pig out on them like you did at the Christmas party.”

“No promises darling.” He said as I left the kitchen and went to the door to reveal some of the roadies.  I welcomed them in and that’s when I heard a voice cry out.

“(Y/n)!” I turned and soon coming out of the car was Brian along with Roger.  I smiled and waved to them.  As they got closer I saw that Roger had added what appeared to be spider eyes in a triangle shape on his forehead and he had in fangs and from his fingertips to a couple inches past his wrists were painted black.  He also had spider webs wrapped around his arms so I began to think he was a half human half spider creature.

White Brian was dressed in a poet’s shirt (chest exposed of course), black silk pants, and around his eyes was smoky black paint along with some raven feathers.

“Let me guess. Uhh…..Edgar Allen Poe’s ‘the Raven’.” I said pointing to Brian. “And…..a spider of some sorts?”

“A drider, but minimized without the legs. But yes. And how could you get Brian’s costume?”

“Because unlike you, (y/n) is well educated in English literature, unlike you uncultured swine.” Brian said as he came up and wrapped an arm around me.

“What can I say? I had a Poe phase my middle school year. Hey do you guys know when Deacy’s said to come over by?”

“He told us he’d be here my sunset. Wanted to ‘get into character’ as he said.” Roger said doing air quotes.  “Why you ask?”

“Just wanted to know.” Truthfully Deacy had called me earlier this morning telling me that he needed to tell me something.  But it was the tone in his voice that got me worried cause it wasn’t his usual cheery self that he usually uses around me.

“But until then, your second favorite it here.” Roger said as he came up and twirled me into his arms before wrapping me up in his arms.

“Yeah. He’s inside being my taste tester.” I teased. He gaped his mouth open before tickling my sides which made me shriek and squirm in his embrace.

“You take that back you little minx or the tickling continues.” He threatened.  I kept squirming before I finally managed to get out of his arms and said.

“Rog you know I hate it when you do that!”

“Exactly why I did it. Now get back into these arms you cheeky thing.” I shrieked and raced back into the house with Roger chasing after me.  I soon met up with Fred in the kitchen and immediately hid behind him then just before Roger could grab a hold of me, Freddie stood between us and he said.

“Hold it blondie! No one messes with my darling witch but me.”

“Sod off Fred this is personal.” Roger teased as he eyed me playfully.  I stuck my tongue at him.

As the night grew darker there was still no sign of Deacy but most of everyone I had invited was now in my house.  While I was getting some ‘blood red punch’ Peter came up to me and said.

“Someone at the door for you.” I walked my way through the crowd and opened the door but saw no one there.  I raised my brow and stepped further outside.  I looked around but still couldn’t see someone, that was until I felt two hands grip my shoulders and I squeaked and turned to see Deacy.

“Deacy!”

“Aww c’mon poppet you’re not already scared are you?”

“I’ve already been spooked by Freddie and my dick cousin Cody earlier today, at this rate I’m gonna have a heart attack at the tender age of 16.”

“Well it’s a good thing I’m here then. You know that I’ll always protect you, right? I’m way more scarier than any monster or person that tries to do you harm.” I giggled softly and said.

“I doubt that.”

“Why not? I could only show you my loving side for a reason. But then again you always make me go soft for whatever reason.” He said as he leaned his forehead against mine, a common trait he and I did to show a sign of affection.

I got a better look at his vampire costume. Like Freddie, he wore the very outfit he wore last November at the Rainbow theater, the famed all black suit with white under shirt that exposed his chest.  His long hair seemed more wilder than it usually was and he had on fake nails that resembled claws almost.

“Love the vampire look. Seems Fred isn’t the only one sporting his Live at the Rainbow attire.”

“He kinda suggested this outfit would make my vampire look more authentic.”

“Well I like it. Please come in, let’s get out of the cold.” He followed behind me and with that all the guests had arrived. I then got my microphone and had the DJ cut the music as I got everyone’s attention. “Alright if I could have everyone’s attention. Just for a second.” And of course most of the people ignored me.

“Oi listen up you fuckers!” Freddie’s voice cried out throughout my house. He turned back towards me and winked at me.

“Thanks Fred. Okay first I want to thank you all for coming to the 1975 Halloween party. Now I want to avert your attention to the cards you all were required to get the second you all walked through the door. This year’s party will also be centered around a Murder Mystery game. Based on the card you have received, you have been chosen to either be a villager, a police officer, a witch/warlock and finally the werewolf. Now the werewolf, police and villagers are very obvious characters, but if you have been given a witch or warlock card. You have the option for saving a victim or like the werewolf, you can create more werewolves.”

I could already see people getting intrigued, especially the guys.  I smiled and continued.

“Now this game will go on for the rest of the night and whoever can guess who the main werewolf is by midnight is the winner. So as the party goes on, be sure to ask questions as your character. Any questions?” Brian raised his hand and I pointed to him.

“So if the villager is attacked by the werewolf, how long should it be for the villager to die?”

“I’d say give it 3-5 minutes. And werewolf don’t go overboard with the killings. Otherwise that’ll make you more obvious. And the way you attack is just tickle their palms for a brief second, but make sure it’s noticeable for your victim to get it.” Peter raised his hand next.

“When the villagers die, where do we go?”

“Excellent question. You have the option of becoming a wondering spirit. I’ve got some sheets prepared those that want in on the fun. You can wonder around but you can’t tell the name of the werewolf who killed you. Any more questions?” No one raised their hands. “No? Great, enjoy the party everyone and remember—be careful out there for this werewolf hunt begins…..now!” The party continued on.

The night went one and soon within 10 minutes, we heard the first scream and the first person to die was Johnathon, Roger’s roadie.  And it was then the investigation began.  I looked down at my card and saw that I was a witch.  So I got into the mindset of my character and just lurked around debating on what to do.

It was then Deacy came up to me and said.

“Excuse me Miss. Just a quick question, you wouldn’t happen to know just who was behind the recent killing would you?”

“I may or may not officer. But you know I think I saw Brian looking a little suspicious. I did notice he was the last one to shake Johnny’s hand before he died.”

“Thank you ma’am.” I grinned as he walked away and I walked the opposite way.

The murder mystery continued on and so far most of the roadies and Peter ended up on the dead list.  I looked around and that’s when Freddie came up to me and he said to me.

“Have you any idea who killed all those lovely dears?”

“I wish I knew Fred. I’m sorry about Peter.”

“Yes, I swear whoever killed him will pay for this barbaric betrayal.” We shook hands and that’s when I felt him tickle my palm. Ohh cheeky Freddie, very cheeky. I walked away from him and looked at the time to see that it was 9:25pm.  Maybe I could make this even more interesting and maybe do an outside death scene.

I walked out of the backyard but kept the back door opened so that people could hear me over the music playing.  I walked along the hay maze my cousins helped me set up when I heard the sound of rustling.  I stopped and looked around.

“Whose there?” I asked.  I didn’t see anyone else come out here, so either it was those damn squirrels or the neighbor’s dog again, then someone’s snuck onto my property. I grabbed the closest big stick I could find that still had a bunch of branches at the tip to make it look like a daggered stick.  It was then coming around the corner was a man.

I quickly grabbed my torch and shone it on him and to my disgust I saw that it was Paul Prenter.

“What are you doing here Prenter?”

“Isn’t it obvious? I’m here for the party.”

“Well there were two invitations I sent out. One to invite, and one not to invite. And I know I put you on the latter list.” I sneered at him.

“On the contrary love, I think I was put on the former list.” And I know this sounds crazy but I swear to god I thought I saw his eyes turn pure black as he grinned at me. “And I think it’s time I gave the hostess my profound gratitude.” He then lunged right at me as he roared an animalistic type roar.

Soon my screams could be heard from miles away. To one who could hear it, it sounded like I was literally getting murdered.  I raced through the maze trying to escape from Paul.

*3rd Person POV*

From inside the house, only four people could hear the screams over the loud music.  Freddie, Brian, John and Roger all met up with each other and Roger said.

“Was that (y/n)?”

“If it is, then that girl’s got a skill in acting.” Admitted Brian.

“No my darlings, I don’t think this is part of the game.” Freddie said wearily.  Deacy sniffed the air and gasped before growling lowly exposing his fangs.

“What is it Deacy dear?”

“Prenter!” he hissed.  At hearing his name the other three were in alert.

“That son of a—I’ll kill him I swear I’ll fucking kill him!” growled Roger.

“No Roger dear, leave him to me.” Freddie said as his demeanor changed from stoic to dark on a dime.

*My POV*

I kept running as Paul seemed to be getting closer and closer to me.  I could hear his rabid snarling and maniacal, haunting laughter.  As I ran a corner and tried to push on, I suddenly tripped and felt this sudden pain in my ankle.  I cried out and turned to see Paul finally leap towards me.  I ducked away but it was then I heard another snarl and soon hay just shot right over me as part of the wall exploded like a bomb going off.

I could hear what sounded like a tiger’s roar mixed in with either a lion’s or leopard’s low growling.  Slowly I lifted my arms away from my head and just lay there in shock.

“(Y/n)? (Y/n)!” It was then Deacy came in from behind me and he knelt down beside me. “Oh poppet, are you alright?”

“Paul—he…his….I….AHH!” I screamed as I felt Deacy take my left ankle into his hand.

“Well thankfully it’s not broken. Just a little sprained. C’mon let’s get you some ice and heal that up.” He picked me up bridal style and turned back the way he came but my eyes were just glued to the broken up wall in the maze.

Back inside up in my room, Deacy was bandaging up my ankle before taking one of my bathroom mini-towels and placing the bag of ice in it before finally placing it on my ankle.  I hissed and he said.

“I know it hurts for a while, but it’ll help decrease the swelling.” I really wanted to say something about what happened in the maze, but I knew I would only sound crazy.  “(Y/n), poppet are you sure you’re okay?” I look up at him and said.

“I—I probably watched the Exorcist one too many times. That—that didn’t happen, it couldn’t have happened.” I said in denial. But looking up at Deacy, he didn’t look at me with sympathy or like I was crazy.  In fact he looked—understanding.

“Poppet, remember when I said I had something to tell you?”

“Yeah. But—what does this have to do with what just happened?!”

“I promise all will make sense, but first I want you to answer me this.” He sat down close beside me, he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and continued, “What exactly do you know about monsters?”

“What?”

“Please (y/n) just—just answer my questions.”

“Well they—they aren’t real. I mean that’s what my auntie always said to me when I was little. Deacy what’s going on? Why ask me about that?”

“I promise you everything will make sense. Now tell me; what do you know about vampires?” At this point I was growing not only impatient but more confused. Why was Deacy asking me these questions?

“Deacy please just tell me what’s going on!? I’m not only still shaken up by—well whatever the hell was going on with Prenter out in the maze but these questions aren’t making any sense!”

“Listen to me (y/n). I’m…..trying to ease you into this delicately. Hell we vowed to never tell you this but now—not only with what just happened but we finally came to an agreement that you deserved the truth.”

“The truth about what? Are—did you guys commit murder or something?”

“No, no nothing like that at all. But please just answer my question and I’ll answer yours.” He stroked my cheek softly.  I looked up at him before sighing heavily.

“Well—my knowledge of vampires only limits to Dracula and other films regarding Vampires.”

“And what are those things?” he asked me.

“Well they—only come out at night.”

“Well truthfully it’s just no sunlight. Cloud days or stormy days they can come out.” Okay how the hell would he know that? “What else?”

“They uhh—drink blood. And they live forever.”

“Yes. And in a way they can, yes. Anything else you can think of?” I thought about it before saying.

“They have fangs? I don’t know! Deacy please enough questions what the hell is going on!?” I said panicked.  He takes a deep breath in through his nose before exhaling and turning fully towards me.

“Okay poppet. I—I want you to look into my eyes.”

“Okay.” I said wearily.

“I mean really look into my eyes.” He emphasizes as he cups my face in both his hands and leaned in very close to me, so close that our noses kept brushing against one another.  I kept my eyes on him and that’s when they changed from the bluish grey tone, to blood red.

At that point my heart just stopped and my body tensed up in fear.

“Tell me I’m not dreaming.”

“No, you’re not. And these aren’t special contact lenses either.” At that point I began to panic and it was then as Deacy took out the fake fangs, longer more realistic fangs grew out as he hissed and groaned. “Bloody hell my fangs have such bad timing.”

At this point like anyone should, I began stammering.

“Y-So—so y-you’re…..a-a-a real…..”

“Yes poppet. I’m a vampire. A real one.” And cue the panic and trying to get away.  I tried to get off the bed but Deacy caught bot my wrists and tried to calm me down. “No, no please (y/n) don’t run. You’re going to damage your ankle even more. Don’t. Don’t it’s okay. Stop struggling. Please relax.”

“Let go of me! Let go! Let go! Let go! Let go!” I begged and pleaded as I kept thrashing around.  Deacy kept hold of my wrists and kept trying to soothe me.

“(Y/n) please calm down. Relax. Shh, shh. I’m not going to hurt you. I wouldn’t dream of hurting you. Look into my eyes.”

“No! You’re going to use that freaky mind control and make me your blood slave!”

“Okay you don’t have to look into my eyes but just—look at me. Look at me.” He cups my face again, his thumbs gently stroking my cheeks.  “I’m still the same Deacy you know and love. Please love trust me.” I looked at him still in a panic but he kept looking at me with the same warmth and loving look he’s always given me.  Even though now his eyes were red.  “Breathe for me love.”

I took in a deep breath as he did the same.

“That’s it love. Let’s get your heartrate down. In for three, out for five.” We continued the breathing exercises until I was finally calm. “Good girl. That’s my girl.” He pressed a soft kiss to my forehead.  Okay, getting a kiss from a vampire, never knew that would happen to me.

“So—all this time you’ve been…..”

“Yes.”

“And the guys….are—are they—vampires too?”

“Oh god no. You’ve seen our arguments and fights right?” I nodded. “It’d be—absolute hell if we were all vampires. No I’m the only vampire. But—the guys are also creatures of the night too.”

“What are they?”

“Well. Brian is a shapeshifter, but he mostly prefers to transform into a raven. Freddie is a familiar.”

“A what?”

“A familiar. They’re companions to a witch.” I thought about it and suddenly it clicked.

“So wait is—is Mary?”

“A witch? Yes. But don’t worry, she’s a good witch. A white witch, that means she only dabbles in light magic compared to what most witches are known for.” Okay so the few times I met Mary I’ve been talking to a real witch. “And roger is a drider.”

“A rider?”

“No love a drider. D.R.I.D.E.R. And—you may not like it when I tell you what that means.”

“I might as well know what it is so just tell me.”

“Basically you’ve got your half man half animals right. Like werewolves, mermaids, sirens, all that. Well a drider is a half man, half spider.” At that I shuddered.

“Spiders. Of all the things why did he have to be a spider.”

“Well, be thankful he’s not a naga.” He plainly suggested.

“I’m afraid to find out what that means.”

“Half person, half snake.”

“Oh fuck no! No, no, no, no!” he chuckled, even with the fangs, I could still see that sweet tooth gapped smile he’s always had. “So—monsters are real?”

“Yes. We’re all around. We can blend well with human society, but on All Hallows Eve, our true forms slowly come out till the stroke of midnight when our true forms take full shape.”

“So you—” I trailed off.

“I what? C’mon love don’t be shy. I know this is a lot to take in but don’t be afraid to ask me all the questions that are probably running through your mind.” He stroked my cheek gingerly with the back of his index finger.

“You’re—not going to eat me?” he let out a disbelieved chuckle.

“No. Well I mean…..”

“Deacy!” I whined fearfully.

“I’m kidding poppet. Of course not. I’ve told you time and time again, that I’d never let anyone hurt you. That also includes myself, come here.” He held his arms out to me.  I looked at him cautiously but he assured me with those red eyes of his that he wasn’t going to try anything.  

So I slowly leaned in and leaned against his shoulder like I always do whenever we hug.  I felt his arms wrap around me and he rubbed my back comfortingly.

“Of course I would never eat you. And neither would the lads. We all care about you too much.”

“How long have you been like this?” He hummed and said.

“Wow, never thought I’d be asked that. It seems so long ago, I don’t know if you’ll like the answer. But—I’m around 537 years old, give or take.” I gaped at him.  537 years old? Holy shit!  “Compared to the others I’m still the youngest. They’ve been around for millennia’s. Freddie of course is the oldest out of us. Then Bri and then Roger.”

“What else can vampires do?”

“Well, think of us as basically superhuman. We can lift things normal humans can’t. Our senses are sharper, and we can shapeshift our forms. Brian helped me gain control of that ability shortly after I met them roughly 196 years ago.”

“You’ve known them for that long?”

“Yes. Hard to believe isn’t it. Especially when we formed the band just recently. But I was living with them at the time as Queen was being formed.”

“But something doesn’t quite make sense. I thought vampires only drank blood, but I’ve seen you eat cheese of toast. And steak and shrimp. I thought vampires couldn’t eat human foods?”

“Well just because I’m a vampire doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy a human meal every now and then. While I can eat it, I can’t taste them as you humans taste things. The only thing I can taste is blood, but that doesn’t mean I have to live solely on blood. I don’t know where that came from.”

“Blame pretty much every vampire movie made.” He bopped my nose playfully and that’s when I grew nervous.

“What is it poppet?”

“Have—have you ever…..and I don’t mean this to be offensive but, answer me this. Honest and truthfully Deacy. Have you—ever bitten anyone?” he sighed heavily and said.

“I think what you’re asking is if I’ve killed anyone?” I looked down shamefully. “What would you think of me if I did? How would you feel if I told you that I—stalk my prey? That when I feed, I drain every last ounce of life out of them?” I grew pale and pushed back from him. “Love don’t worry. I get my blood through a blood transfusion program. It puts less suspicion on us, and saves more of my kind. But I won’t lie there are vampires who freely kill wherever they go. That they see humans as no more than blood bank pets.”

“Do they—live here in London?”

“Afraid so. But like I said before, I’ll always protect you. So will Freddie, Brian and Roger. In fact I’ll let you in on a little secret, come closer.” I lean a bit closer to him but keep a good foot away from him. “Closer.” I lean closer and that’s when he meets me halfway and whispers in my ear. “Vampires are afraid of driders.”

“For real?”

“I’ll admit I was afraid of Roger myself when I first met him, but he—sorta grew on me as the century went by. So you’re well protected especially if Roger is by your side should a vampire try to do anything to you.”

“Guess I’ll need to apologize to him telling how Fred was my second favorite Queen member.”

“Nah let him believe he’s in last place.”

“You are so cruel!”

“They don’t call me the kind of the one liners for nothing.” He bragged.  “And you know, I’m quite surprised you never figured it out at least with me. Why did you think I never let you in the loo whenever I was getting ready?”

“So wait, Vampires really don’t have a reflection in the mirrors?”

“That’s the one gag that’s actually 100% true. Due to the silver material mirrors contain, we can’t be shown. That’s why I ask you for final looks before I go on stage on how I look.”

“So all that stuff about garlic and wooden stakes?”

“Completely false. Garlic just smells bad so that means anyone can be killed by garlic just because of the smell, and a stake can’t even pierce through a plate of ribs all the way through, so how the hell is it supposed to kill us? You would need to do repeated stabs in order to even attempt to get to our dead hearts.”

“And staying in during the day?”

“That is true to a degree. It’s only sunlight we can’t stand. But if it’s a cloudy morning then we can survive. But nighttime is the preferred method because our eyes are so sensitive. Driders have the same effect we do when it comes to sunlight.”

“So that’s why Roger’s always wearing sunglasses inside and out.”

“Exactly. Clever girl.” He said as he gently ruffled my hair.

“Now I have to ask. What happened outside with Paul, he’s—is he a monster too?”

“The worst kind of monster there is. A demon. He’s been poking around near us as a way to gain human souls for hell. But you don’t have to worry about him anymore, Fred took care of him.”

“You—you mean that—thing was Freddie?” he nodded. “But he—he didn’t even look human.”

“Familiars in their true form look more like goblins. They have some knowledge of magic but not a lot. And they’re the only creatures that can actually kill demons.”

“And that’s what Freddie did?” I asked.

“Prenter had it coming when he decided to attack you. Especially on All Hallows Eve when our powers are most strong.” I leaned back against his shoulder and asked the million dollar question.

“How did you become a vampire?”

“Hmm, never did I think I would tell that story again. It’s pretty long.”

“Well I’m sure the guys probably sent everyone home so the party’s cancelled. I’ve got all night if you’d like.” He stroked through my hair and he explained.

“Well; long before I met Veronica. Centuries before she was born. I—had another love. To me—she was everything, but to her I was nothing but a pet. A blood bank that would sustain her.”

“Ohh Deacy.”

“I mean—I knew the signs that she was a vampire. Because back then people weren’t as skeptical as they are today. So just from the signs I knew who she was, but—I didn’t care. I loved her. Anyways, one day there was a fire. Our house was in full blaze. A beam fell from the roof and, went right through my chest. I still have the scar to this day, you can even see it today.” He pushed back the left side of his attire aside and there I finally saw the faint lining of a scar that looked like something had stabbed him. “I guess—in her final mercy. She fed me her blood. The next thing I knew, I woke up stronger, condemned, my senses were sharper.”

“And—what happened to her? Did you ever find her again?”

“No. She—disappeared. I never saw her again, even to this day I’ve never found her. Best bet is that she probably got herself into trouble and ended up getting killed by humans. So…..ever since then I’ve been completely alone. Till I met the other three, then Veronica. And finally you.” He softly grinned down at me before brushing my hair aside.

“Is—Is Veronica a vampire too?”

“No. She’s like you. A mortal.”

“Does she know? About you and the guys being….you know.”

“I told her last year. She—caught me in the midst of my transformation. I—I was so afraid she’d leave me and see me as a monster instead of who I was to her. But……god or whoever above bless her, she still accepted me for being what I am. And now we’re raising our own little family together. Sure it may seem wrong for humans and monsters to be together but I don’t give a fuck.”

“I was told that vampires couldn’t procreate, is that also a lie?”

“Yes. In fact—vampires are basically the reigning kings and queen of creating actual life.”

“So you’re quite prolific then, aren’t you?” he laughed and bowed his head shyly.

“Yes you could say that. And at only 537.” He stroked the back of my head and he said, “Are you still afraid of me? Of the guys?”

“Honestly. Not of you. But then again I’m still shaken up at the fact that everything my grandpa said before he and nan died about monsters not being real is a lie. And due to the fact that I was almost killed by a demon. It’s—all too much for me to try and process.”

“And that’s understandable love. Brian said straight up as soon as you got close to us when you became our assistant that we should tell you the truth as soon as possible. But Fred and Roger said we couldn’t do that to you. You were so young, we wanted you to keep that innocence for a little longer. Plus we—didn’t want to lose you because of what we are.”

“I get why you guys kept this from me. But knowing everything now, you guys maybe monsters in a literal, physical sense. That doesn’t mean you’re monsters in the figurative sense. But it—it’s still gonna take time for me to completely accept that the famed band Queen are creatures of the night.”

“Again, I understand. Just know that—even though we are monsters, we are still the same four boys you know and love. And we still love you just as much. We can still love and care just like humans can, we have flaws, we feel lonely. Sometimes even more than what you humans go through when it comes to loneliness. But all the same emotions humans go through, we go through them too.” I nodded and he smiled and hugged me close to him.

He nuzzled the top of my head before pressing a few kisses on top of it.

“How’s the ankle now?”

“Still a bit numb, but I think it’s just due to the ice. It doesn’t hurt as much as before.”

“Let me take a look at it.” He scooted downward and removed the rag from my foot and quietly observed it.  He gently placed his hand over it and my cold skin mixed with his slightly cold hand, it sent shivers up my spine. “Well it’s coming along fine. We’ll just need to keep it propped up and iced and you should be able to walk again in the next few days.”

“Thanks Dr. Deacon.” He grinned before turning towards my clock.

“It’s nearing midnight.” I turned to my clock and saw that he was right.  It was now 3 minutes till midnight.  Damn where did the time go?  “Shall the lads and I see ourselves out?”

“Well I mean, if you wanted to, you guys can stay here for the night. My cousins probably long went home by now so it’s just me in the house now.”

“Well I—we wouldn’t want to impose.”

“You’re not. I love having you guys here. Plus I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep tonight after what just happened with Paul.”

“No worries poppet. We can protect you.” He said as he stroked my cheek gingerly. There was a brief moment of silence before Deacy continued, “The guys are on their way up here.”

“Wait—how did…..”

“Telepathic connections love. Anyone that’s close to a vampire can be connected through a telepathic link between each other. So that means I can connect with the guys, Veronica, my children.” ‘And now you.’ I gasped as I suddenly heard his voice in my head.

He chuckled softly as he grinned and I heard his voice again say.

‘Can you hear me poppet?’

‘Yeah. I can hear you.’ I answered in my head. He touched my forehead with his and brought me closer to him when a voice spoke up.

“I see you just extended your telepathic bond with our beloved (y/n).” We looked up and there stood Bri, Rog and Freddie. Bri then spoke again, “How’s the ankle love?”

“Getting better.”

“So—Deacy told you everything huh?” Roger said as his eyes showed nothing but pure shame.

“Yeah. I know the truth about you guys. It’s—a lot to take in but….I think with time I can accept this.”

“And that’s all we can ask for darling. Just as long as you never change your mind about us. See that what we were doing around you was just for show wasn’t an act. That’s who we really are.” Freddie said as he came up to my other side and placed his chin on my lap.

“She’s allowed us to stay here for the night while our full transformation begins.” Deacy told the guys.

“Are you sure lovie? You—may not like what you see from some of us.”

“As long as you don’t destroy my house then I have no problems Rog. Besides sooner or later I’m gonna have to see your true selves. You all have already seen mine when I told you about my parents about to sell me in the black market for drug money had it not been for my grandpa.”

“She’s right Roger dear. It’s only fair.” Freddie said as he sat up and rubbed my back comfortingly.  It was then my grandmother’s mini Victorian ‘grandfather clock’ chimed away signaling that midnight had arrived.

Fred and Deacy both got off my bed and it was then the boys began to morph.  Deacy’s hair grew longer almost down to his mid back, his fingers grew longer and his nails more sharper to a point.  Brian grew about a foot taller and his skin changed from that slight tan color to a greyish tone, his eyes went from hazel blue to purple.

But the biggest change came from both Fred and Roger.  Roger’s lower half began to stick together as now 6 spider legs started spurting out. A spider body began to consume his lower half and the three eyes that stood on his forehead finally began to come alive as they moved around till they locked right onto me.  And Freddie—well his entire human feature almost disappeared as his legs disappeared into the tentacle like tail that I saw earlier in the maze.  His fingers grew longer and longer, and his head morphed almost into an alien shape like bulb.

His eyes went from brown to an amber-like orange, but what was almost haunting was the fact there was this black, magic smoke surrounding him, as well as moths that fluttered around him as he stood there. Another thing I began to notice was that in this form, he had no mouth.

At the last chime from my clock, the guys stood there in their full forms right before my very eyes.

“(Y/n), you—okay?” I’ll admit I’m stunned to see them like this, hell there’s still a part of me that wants to flee for the hills (and I hate to admit it that it was mostly because of Fred and Rog at this point. Out of the four of them, they take the prize for being the most horrifying to look at).

“I—”

‘If it help darling.’ In this form Freddie’s voice was more like a haunting whisper of the wind. ‘I can change into my other form.’ Other form? Oh god what would that look like.  Then almost at the snap of a finger, a black cat stood in Freddie’s place.

He was pure black much like his hair was in his human disguise, and he had the orange eyes.  He was pretty lean in his cat form and he meowed as he came up towards my bed.  I smiled as he hopped up gracefully onto my bed and walked up towards me.  He meowed again before making a trilling sort of meow as a motorboat purr came out of him as he nuzzled me.

I picked him up and held him close to me as he licked his lips.

“I guess I can see why you and Mary have so many cats back home. Can you speak to them?” he meowed before nuzzling my cheek and even licked it.  I went ahead and took that as a yes.

“He says yes, and they keep him company most of the time.” Explained Deacy.

“So you guys can understand him in cat form?” I asked as I scratched under Freddie’s chin.

“Yes. Soon in time you’ll be able to understand him too.” Stated Brian.

“Dick move Fred, you know that I can’t turn into a cuddly cat or animal to ease (y/n) into this.” At that point I heard Freddie growl.  Now I didn’t need to understand familiar tongue to know a growl like that.

“Hey now don’t be ugly Freddie.” I warned him as I adjusted him in my arms.  He then squirmed a bit wanting me to set him so I obliged and he rubbed up against my leg before plopping down against it, exposing his tummy.  “Okay you’re forgiven.” I then rubbed his stomach like a dog and I heard his purrs grow louder. I think it’s clear to me that he’s the only cat that ever likes belly rubs and scratches.

“Are there—anymore questions that are on your mind about us?” asked Brian.

“I think I’ve been filled enough for one night. I’m still trying to process Deacy’s backstory but in time I’ll ask about you three later.”

“Understandable lovie. We’re sorry again that we never told you in the 3 years you’ve known us. We just……”

“I know Rog. Deacy explained it to me. And to be honest if I were in your shoes I’d probably do the same thing. But…..” I trailed off sadly.

“What is it love? C’mon tell us.” Deacy said as he came up to me and placed his hand on top of my shoulder and gave it a soothing rub with his thumb.  I took a deep breath and sighed.

“Are the three of you immortal as well?” At hearing my question Brian answered.

“Yes. We’ve been around for millennia’s.”

“So—that means you four will have to watch me grow old, wither and then die.” At hearing that, the four of them grew solemn that was until Deacy spoke.

“Well love, there—there is one way. But it requires the greatest sacrifice.” I turned to him and at that point Freddie took his leave and morphed back into his true form. “One night during the Sheer Heart attack tour, we all sat down after you went to bed. And we talked about this matter very deeply. Out of all our years of living, you have been the one that made us feel what it meant to be—human. You’ve given us so much that—that we can’t bear to watch you slowly wither and parish with time.”

“You’ve always been there for us. Taught us that it was okay to not be okay.” Brian added.

“To not let the growing media put you in a spotlight that is not true.” Added Roger.

‘That it’s okay to have flaws and insecurities. That you don’t always have to be perfect to everyone.’ Freddie added.

“So—the question I have for you is this.” He took both my hands in his, he looked deeply into my eyes and said the four most dangerous, most trusting words that a vampire can say to anyone. “Let me turn you.”

At hearing those four words, my heart stopped and I stared at him in shock.

“I know it’s unfair for me to ask that of you. We’d be asking you to give up everything you’ve ever known. Leave the remaining family you have and having his curse upon you. But there’s no other way.”

“Isn’t there some magic spell that Mary can use?”

‘Magic can be used to increase a witch’s life force but putting a mortal. A pure mortal like you under one, could have serious consequences. I would not risk it even if Mary were to find a spell to do just that.’ Freddie said.  I nodded and thought long and hard about it.

“Will—will it hurt?” There was silence in the room till Deacy asked.

“Is that a yes?” Before I could reply, he cupped both sides of my face and said in a serious tone. “I need you to be 100% certain that your answer is yes. Because if it is, there’s no going back. And there are no do-overs. Once you are turned, that’s it. Now I’ll ask again. Will you let me turn you?” I kept silent as I thought about this long and hard.

Yeah I mean I would leave my cousins behind but we hardly ever saw each other since they are legally adults and have their own lives.  I just call them whenever I need help with something or they help keep the mortgage on my grandparent’s mansion since I couldn’t afford it yet.

Plus I don’t want to die while the boys kept on living.  I wouldn’t dream of putting them through that grief after all we’ve been through together, what we could go through together.  So I gave Deacy my answer.

“Yes.” He exhaled nervously before suddenly embracing me.  At first I thought he was going to bite me right then and there, but all he did was stroke down my hair and rock me from side to side.

“I promise love, I’ll teach you everything I know. I can officially be your ‘brother’. I won’t let you fall off the wagon. I’ll take care of you I promise.” Wow I mean I knew Deacy was sensitive but never did I think this much.  I actually kinda liked it.  At least I knew I wouldn’t be abandoned like he was when he was turned.

A little bit of time passed by and Bri and Fred left the room leaving Roger, Deacy and I in my bedroom.

“So—how exactly is this going to work?” I asked.

“Well there are many ways that a turning can happen, but it all has to come to one common denominator. The turnee has to be at the brink of death.” Deacy explained.  Why didn’t that surprise me? “And since I wouldn’t dream of doing something like shooting or stabbing you, I think it’d be more humane to go the traditional way.” I nodded but didn’t say a word. “(Y/n), something’s on your mind love. Tell me.”

“I—I don’t know I just…..”

“Do you regret saying yes?”

“No it’s not that Deacy it’s just…..”

“Just what?”

“What if—what if something goes wrong? Like you find my blood so tasty that you can’t stop. That you just forget about turning me and just kill me right here on my bed.”

“That’s why I’m here lovie.” Roger said as he stepped towards me.  He placed his black-clawed hand on my other shoulder and he continued, “As I’m sure he probably told you. Vampires fear nothing except for one creature. Driders. If for whatever reason Deacy’s primal instincts take over, one stern word from me and he’ll immediately back off. Because throughout history our venom is so potent, that it has the ability to kill other immortal creatures, including vampires.”

“Especially since his species of drider is the most dangerous and the kings and queens of all. Roger is a black widow drider.” I turned towards Rog and he merely shrugged.

“I don’t like to brag.”

“Oh please every year you like to show off the famed red hourglass you’ve got.” Deacy rolled his eyes.

“Watch it bat boy just remember who you’re talking to.”

“Okay guys, guys, guys. Human female in the room remember?” They ceased their arguing and Roger apologized.  Deacy brushed the hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear and he said.

“I’ll try my best to not go overboard. I’ll only drain just enough to where you can still drink my blood. And like Roger said, he’ll be here in case anything does go sideways. But I promise I’ll try to control myself.” He kissed my forehead and had me lay down on my bed.  He hovered over me and he asked me. “Are you ready?” I swallowed hard and exhaled a nervous breath.

“Yes.” He stroked my cheek and whispered in my ear.

“Just relax love. It’ll feel like getting a shot, then some numbness. I’ve got you poppet.” I felt his nose go from my cheek down to my neck.  He stopped at the middle section of my neck where probably my veins were more noticeable. “I can hear your heartbeat, and I can smell it too. Relax love. It’ll be more painful the more tense you are.” It was then I felt Roger’s hands take my right one and he gave it a comforting squeeze.

“I’m giving you permission to squeeze my hand as tight as you want to. If you feel afraid or any pain, you can squeeze my hand. You won’t hurt me.” I nodded briefly.  I felt Deacy place a kiss on my neck before I felt his fangs graze against my skin.

Then just like getting a shot at the doctor’s (however unlike a little needle, these were two hypodermic fangs) I felt a prick at my neck.  I gasped and squeezed Roger’s hand.

“It’s okay lovie. Just look at me, look at nothing but me.” He cupped the side of my face and stroked my left cheek so that I wouldn’t look at Deacy.  “Just focus on me lovie. I can share with you some drum solos I’ve had in mind for the Christmas concert we’re scheduled to do.”

I hummed and as he spoke, I felt myself getting lightheaded.  Roger was going in and out of focus and my mouth was now gaping out.  I felt numb and tired and that’s when I heard Roger say.

“Deacy stop. She’s ready.” But I heard an animalistic growl coming from Deacy.  It sounded much like a lion’s growl, maybe even a bear I don’t know.  My vision was growing black and I heard Roger snarl. “Deacon enough! You’re going to kill her!” At that point I heard what sounded like a lion mixed with a snake’s hiss as Deacy jumped back from me and I saw the blurry figure of Roger standing over me. “ENOUGH!!!”

I then felt light, faint strokes around my head and Roger’s muffled voice said.

“(Y/n), lovie can you hear me?” I faintly groaned and that’s when Deacy came back into my blurry vision and I heard him say.

“Oh god love I—I’m sorry I-I-I didn’t mean to go overboard I….”

“Just quickly give her your blood before she passes out.” Roger told him.  It was then I saw Deacy bite into his wrist and I felt it touch my lips.

“Here love, drink.” I placed my lips over it and at first gagged at the taste of his blood.  It was like licking 1000 pennies all at once. “I know love, I know it tastes bad but it’ll pass. Please love you have to drink or else you’ll die.” He cups me behind my head and much like a baby, places his wrist back to my mouth and I slowly began drinking his blood.

It tasted revolting at first but like he said, it soon turned out to be the most delicious thing I ever tasted. Kinda like—my favorite milkshake at Kenny’s ice cream parlor.  I don’t know what came over me but I found myself gripping Deacy’s forearm and greedily drank his blood.

“Now, now, not so fast love. Easy. Easy poppet.” He cooed as I let him stroke my hair.  I kept drinking and drinking until I had my fill.  I separated from his wrist and exhaled. “You messy little thing.” He cooed as I felt a wet rag wipe away my probably bloody mouth and chin.

“D-De….”

“Shhhh, just rest now.” He whispered.  Suddenly feeling exhausted I closed my eyes and fell fast asleep.

*3rd Person POV*

As John looked down at her, he couldn’t believe he almost ended her life.  Even though he’s had human blood thousands of times from the blood transfer program the hospitals do with vampires, it had been centuries since he got it from the actual source.

It was like—he had been taken over by centuries of natural instincts and he just needed to keep drinking from her.  But thankfully Roger was there to stop him. He would’ve never forgiven himself had he killed her.

“Thank you Roger.” He nodded.

“Just don’t scare me like that again. I was literally seeing the life drain from her eyes. Don’t ever put me in the position again.” The two rhythm players of Queen looked down at the young newborn vampire about to be born.

“You can leave now Roger. I’ll stay with her.”

“You sure?”

“Yes. I know what it’s like to not have the one who turned you leave you. I don’t want to damage her psyche like that. I am her brother now. And she deserves to see me when she first awakens.” Roger nodded but before he left, he stroked (y/n)’s hair and nuzzled her head before giving her a soft kiss to her forehead.

Once Roger left the room, Deacy lay down close beside her and held her close to him.  He allowed her head to rest on his chest and he protectively wrapped his arms around her.  Rubbing her back and stroking through her hair, he knew touch was crucial to her at this point.

About an hour and a half later, she began to stir and the first thing she felt were back rubs and scalp massages.  She moaned and curled deeper into Deacy’s chest.

“Morning sister.” She looked up and as he looked into her eyes, her normal (e/c) eyes were now blood red.  Her nails were more pointed but not as long as Deacy’s were.

“De-Deacy?”

“Yes sister mine. It’s me. How do you feel?”

“Needy. Why do I feel needy brother dear?”

“Because sister mine, much like newborn human babies, newborn vampires need to have the skin to skin contact with the one that turned them. Unlike the wench that turned me, I won’t abandon you.” She buried her face into his neck and buried her hand into his suit and stroked around his shoulder and even went down his chest to touch the scar he had shown her earlier.

Deacy did the same thing as he nuzzled her head like a lion nuzzling their pride mate and tucked his hand under her shirt so that his hand was now touching her bare back, rubbing soothing circles.

“That’s it poppet. Just cuddle against me. It’ll all be okay. I’m here, I’m here.” He whispered as he continued to bury his face into her hair.  

[frankendeers]

“I am Made of Love and It’s Stronger than You”: Steven Universe and Alternative Models of Queer Resistance in Science-Fiction.

I needed to motivate myself because I have been working on this for ages - so here, have the prospectus to my M.A thesis. Maybe you’re interested in talking about it, or reading more as the thesis is being developed?

How do we resist oppression? Even before the emergence of queer theory as an academic discipline, authors and activists alike have wondered how the persistent structures of hegemonic discourse can be opposed. Aside from important endeavours to organise and dismantle political ideology and its effect on the material world, fiction is slowly recognised as a possible tool for queer resistance. By representing marginalised groups and opening discussions about different kinds of subjectivity, fiction provides new frameworks for dreaming queer revolution. Stressing the importance of conjuring imaginative scenarios to explore societal issues, it is no surprise that the genre of Science-Fiction has risen to the challenge. Its visions of both utopian and dystopian futures speculate upon how issues of marginalisation might be dealt with going forward and is therefore meaningfully engaging with the Other.

A particularly interesting outlet for social commentary is constituted in the figure of the alien. By taking the concept of the outsider to its most literal meaning, Science Fiction is able to extricate itself from reality and use imaginary cultures to draw parallels to our own world. In some texts, the alien is meant to incite the Freudian concept of the uncanny. The relative proximity to humanity is here meant to signify cultural lines and warn the audience against transgression. In other works, the distance between human and alien is reduced further, until a certain level of identification with the strange Other is reached. This strategy is most often employed to show the alien as a bringer of progress and incite positive change in how the audience sees what it cannot understand. Due to the multiplicity of the alien’s symbolic meaning, utilising the concept to interrogate the nature of gender identity and sexual desire has been proven quite fruitful. From feminist utopias where all men go extinct to allegories of same-sex relationships, extra-terrestrial characters are useful metaphors to discern how we view queerness. More than this, the ways in which queerness is constituted in alien cultures, technologies and biologies can be utilised to point towards strategies to free marginalised groups from oppression. One recent work of Science Fiction stands out in its attempt to interrogate the nature of queerness and rebellion by employing the alien as a symbol for human society: The Cartoon Network’s children’s program Steven Universe. My paper will examine how Steven Universe reflects on queerness through alien characters and, furthermore, offers a unique model of radical empathy as a viable way to resist oppressive structures.

Steven Universe has proven to be undeniably relevant to queer discourse. The show received the Media Award for Outstanding Kids and Family Programming by the GLAAD Organisation (Gay and Lesbian Association against Defamation) in 2019 and wrote history by depicting the first on-screen queer kiss in a children’s animated program. Steven Universe focusses on its titular character, Steven, a young alien/human hybrid who learns to control his supernatural powers under the guidance of his four alien surrogate mothers: Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl. The heart of the show is constituted in Steven’s engagement with the society, biology and history of his alien heritage, an extra-terrestrial species called the Gems. Throughout the show, the plot reveals a legacy of oppression and war, with the gem’s homeworld representing imperial and fascist ideology against which his late mother has rebelled. As the story continues, Steven must realise that the ancient war his mother battled against her home planet merely resulted in a stand-still and that it is his duty to find ways for resistance.

In order to see how Steven Universe uses the alien in relation to queer identity, my paper will first reflect on how queerness is represented within the show. Although the nature of queerness is notoriously hard to articulate, it will be necessary to outline the terminology and specify how the concept is used for my specific purpose. Queerness defines itself exactly through its breaking of boundaries and blurring of conventional lines, it pertains -most commonly- to matters of sexuality, identity, gender and desire: “Broadly speaking, queer describes those gestures or analytical models which dramatize incoherencies in the allegedly stable relations between chromosomal sex, gender and sexual desire. Resisting that model or stability –which claims heterosexuality as its origin, when it is more properly its effect –queer focuses on mismatches between sex, gender and desire.” (Jagose 3). In other words, I will use queerness as a direct opposition to the hegemonic discourse, which demands stable and unchanging categories of gender, sexuality and their expressions. These demands are rooted in normative assumptions about the naturalness of heterosexuality[M3]  and rigid ideas about gender roles. Defining these boundaries, will furthermore be achieved by looking at Simone de Beavoirs The Second Sex and Judith Butler’s analysis on the performative nature of gender.

Using these definitions reveals the usefulness of Steven Universe in queer context. One outstanding detail is the fact that all gems, Steven himself excluded, are female presenting to human audiences, yet their internal gender identity remains ambiguous. Gems reproduce asexually, having no need for biological sex (or even gender) and are often even unable to grasp the concept itself. Their presentation as female is shown to be an unquestioned default, putting the dominant assumption of neutral masculinity into question. Characters like Amethyst, are shown to explore their gender on a deeper level, occasionally taking on masculine alter egos and preferring male pronouns while presenting this way. Steven himself is positioned in opposition to general notions of hegemonic masculinity. His weapons are defensive, his powers involve healing, and his design is dominated by soft shapes and the colour pink. More than that, Steven is empathetic, gentle, and shown to enjoy stereotypically feminine activities such as wearing dresses and planning weddings. His close connection to the figure of the mother queers him in more ways than one. Besides this being an unusual feature of a male-centred storyline, the asexual nature of the Gems negates his gender identity. Strangers to reproduction, the enemies mistake Steven for his mother, misgendering him and drawing direct parallels to lived experiences of transgender people. His fight against their oppressive regime is ultimately similar to the struggles of transgender people, who are fighting for recognition of their identities.

This explicit disconnection between sex and gender also means that various romances formed between main characters are visually presented as lesbian relationships, while simultaneously putting the essentialist nature of gender into question. Complex romances are put to the forefront, meant to interrogate issues of prejudice, authenticity and power relations. The character Pearl, formerly a servant of Steven’s mother, rebels against her home planet out of romantic affection for her master. The narrative presents the death of Steven’s mother as a traumatic event and invites questions of how her queer identity interacted with her liberation. On the one hand, “lesbian” affection was the cause for Pearl joining the rebellion, yet she is unable to shed her subservience to Steven’s mother. The narrative criticises her loss of self-worth, rooted in ideological indoctrination as much as romantic dependence.

Connecting multiple issues of gender and sexuality, the alien biology of the gems is infused with inherent queerness. Steven Universe’s alien race has a mechanism to question fixed identity itself: Fusion. Here, two gems perform a dancing routine to synchronise with each other until they fuse to form a new entity altogether. Most often employed as a strategy to gain strength in battle, fusion is also shown to be a deeply intimate and emotional matter. The resulting character is physically and mentally an amalgam of the two (or more Gems) who created them. In this way, fusion functions as an exploration of identity and relationships, deeply queer in matters of gender and sexual desire. One fusion particularly stands out when analysing gender fluidity: The fusion of Stevonnie comes into existence when Steven, and his best friend Connie fuse. Stevonnie is explicitly stated and shown to be nonbinary and intersex.  They are capable, relatable and even shown to be desirable in the eyes of other characters. The fact that Steven and Connie break with gender conventions by switching masculine and feminine roles, makes analysing Stevonnie all the more fruitful. Stevonnie is also far from the only nonbinary fusion of the show. Throughout the seasons, Steven fuses with multiple gems, resulting in an array of nonbinary characters of vastly different gender representations and pronouns.

The show’s revolutionary approach is reinforced by the fact that the gem’s planet, simply called Homeworld, practically operates under a fascist dictatorship. Its society is made up of different types of gems, created for distinct purposes they are meant to fulfil without question. Remarkably, Homeworld explicitly forbids fusion between two different types of gems. Overstepping this line is not only cause for scandal but punishable by death. The show presents this as a thinly veiled allegory for the oppressed nature of LGBT relationships in the real world. In relation to that, the show examines themes of queer oppression and queer resistance in the character of Garnet. Garnet is a permanently fused gem, made up of Ruby and Sapphire who chose to rebel against Homeworld. Their romantic relationship is not weakened by its metaphorical nature, as Ruby and Sapphire’s visual resemblance to women is a constant reminder of its queerness.

As the show progresses, Steven is forced to confront Homeworld and decide upon strategies for liberation. Here, the show is ambivalent towards the usage of physical force. On the one hand, the war for independence fought by the rebellion five thousand years ago, is shown to have been effective in fighting against Homeworld’s armies. However, it also wiped out nearly all the rebellious gems and has ultimately only achieved a temporary peace. Contrarily, Steven’s innate empathy and deep desire to engage with whom he opposes is presented as inciting long-lasting change. Not only pertaining to his personality, but also encoded in his alien biology, Steven has the power to feel the emotions of his enemies. As he recognises physical force as inevitable in some instances, the real shift always occurs due to him trying to understand his opponents on an emotional level. The show hereby raises the complicated question of how to consolidate liberation and a need to cease the perpetuation of violence, offering radical empathy as a possible solution. Radical empathy, as the idea to resist oppression through understanding, is negating the more masculine realm of physical fight. Using a male character to introduce this idea, is already marked as queer. Nevertheless, radical empathy is also a contested subject and it will be necessary to evaluate how Steven Universe answers to the possibility of its ineffectiveness in queer liberation discourse. For this purpose, I will employ, among others, Jack Halberstam’s theories on Queer Violence in media and Lee Edelman’s No Future: Queer Theory and the Death Drive. Both will be used to examine whether the progressive politics of Steven Universe can truly be used as an advocate for queer resistance, or if they promote liberalism and complacency.

In conclusion, my paper will examine how the concept of the alien is shown to be queer in Steven Universe, and how alien society is utilised as a metaphor for real-world queer discourse. It will further attempt to outline the different models of resistance brought forth by the show and address criticism towards its compliance with systemic injustice and accusations of demonising more violent forms of revolution.

  Bibliography: (Preliminary)

Primary Texts:

Steven Universe. Cartoon Network. 2013-2019.

Secondary Texts:

Beauvoir, Simone de. The Second Sex. New York: Vintage Books 1989, c1952. Print.

Butler, Judith. Undoing Gender. New York: Routledge, 2004.

Dunn, Eli. “Steven Universe, Fusion Magic, and the Queer Cartoon Carnivalesque.” Gender Forum: An Internet Journal of Gender Studies, vol. 56, 2016, pp. 44–57.

Edelman, Lee. No Future: Queer Theory and the Death Drive. , 2004. Print.

Jagose, Annamarie. Queer Theory: An Introduction. New York: New York University Press, 1996. Print.

Halberstam, Judith. “Imagined Violence/Queer Violence: Representation, Rage, and Resistance.” Social Text, no. 37, 1993, pp. 187–201.

Hollinger, Veronica. “(Re)Reading Queerly: Science Fiction, Feminism, and the Defamiliarization of Gender.” Science Fiction Studies, vol. 26, no. 1 [77], Mar. 1999, pp. 23–40.

Lothian, Alexis. “Feminist and Queer Science Fiction in America.” The Cambridge Companion to American Science Fiction, edited by Eric Carl Link and Gerry Canavan, Cambridge University Press, 2015, pp. 70–82.

Melzer, Patricia. Alien Constructions: Science Fiction and Feminist Thought. University of Texas Press, 2006.

Merrick, Helen. “Gender in Science Fiction.” The Cambridge Companion to Science Fiction, edited by Edward James and Farah Mendlesohn, Cambridge University Press, 2003, pp. 241–252.

Moore, Mandy Elizabeth "Future Visions: Queer Utopia in Steven Universe," Research on Diversity in Youth Literature: 2.1, 2019.

Pawlak, Wendy Sue. “The Spaces between: Non-Binary Representations of Gender in Twentieth-Century American Film.” Dissertation Abstracts International, vol. 73, no. 11, U of ArizonaProQuest, May 2013.

Pearson, Wendy Gay. “Queer Theory.” The Routledge Companion to Science Fiction, edited by Mark Bould et al., Routledge, 2009, pp. 298–307.

Pearson, Wendy Gay. “Science Fiction and Queer Theory” Published as a book chapter in: The Cambridge Companion to Science Fiction. Edward James and Farah Mendlesohn. (Eds.), 2003. Pp. 149-160.

Roqueta Fernandez, Marta “Posthumanism and the creation of racialised, queer identities and sexualities: An analysis of ‘Steven Universe’” Monográfico: Nuevas Amazonas, 2.7, 2019. Pp. 48-84.

Thomas, Misty. “‘I am a Conversation’: Media Literacy, Queer Pedagogy, and Steven Universe in College Curriculum”. Dialogue: The Interdisciplinary Journal of Popular Culture and Pedagogy, 6.3, 2019.

Valentin, Al. “Using the Animator’s Tools to Dismantle the Master’s House? Gender, Race, Sexuality and Disability in Cartoon Network’s Adventure Time and Steven Universe.” Buffy to Batgirl: Essays on Female Power, Evolving Femininity and Gender Roles in Science Fiction and Fantasy, edited by Julie M. Still et al., McFarland & Company Publishing, 2019, pp. 175–215.

[atcostmag]

Tiggy Valen on Writing Songs While Growing Up with No Fixed Address

Though she’s moved places every two years since the age of thirteen, Tiggy Valen finds that home where the heart is. Now based in New York, a rather fitting place for the cosmopolitan soul, the California, Bay Area singer speaks on her unusual upbringing as the daughter of a diplomat. Soft and breezy, her songs with their ethereal glow reflect a nostalgic air; a pre-determined longing and melancholic saudade resulting from living a nomad’s life.

Words: Peter Quincy Ng

You're a former cellist and opera singer and now a singer-songwriter. Your music now is very different from your music then. What inspired the paradigm shift?

I was raised on all sorts of music growing up! Singing in choir and playing piano and cello gave me an appreciation for classical styles early on, but when I listen to music for fun or with friends it’s mostly been contemporary stuff: pop, rock, hip hop, you name it. The first two songs on my iPod Nano in the early 2000′s were “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield and “Bohemian Rhapsody”- Still classics! I’ve always sought out good music regardless of genre or style, so as I’ve started to produce myself I try to pull elements from all over the map. I don’t really have one “North Star,” which is probably why my music seems different than what one might expect. That being said, I still love a good string arrangement and focus a lot on stacking vocal harmonies so there are definitely still elements of my past life in my new music!

The title of your upcoming EP is called "Diplomat's Daughter". How has living abroad changed your perspective of the world and how has living in a different cultural environment shaped your artistic perspective?

I think people who are consistently pushing the boundaries of their comfort zone and spending a lot of time in other cultures are often some of the best at self awareness and empathy. I’m definitely not perfect at that, but the ability I’ve had over the years to live in so many different environments has bred in me a continuous mindset of self-reflection and desire to learn from and listen to others. That constant looking in vs. looking out may seem contradictory, but in a strange way I think operating under the assumption that you have something to learn from everyone you interact with helps you learn a lot more about yourself as well as the world.

So far that’s also been a big part of discovering myself as an artist — to find your sound and songwriting style you have to go through the same sort of self-reflection and learning-through-others process. It may sound simple, but for me creativity sits at the nexus of experiencing something and having tools to process how that makes me feel. In that sense, it’s not particularly surprising that each song on my EP is focused on a different place I’ve lived; those collective experiences have shaped me most so far in life. With each song, I’ve reflected on my time in a certain place, processed how it made me feel, and built the music and lyrics around those feelings. As strange as it sounds, it’s sort of been like creating a world for my memories of each place to live in.

You mention that your father served in Afghanistan and Pakistan during some very trying times. What have you learned from your parents' experiences? Though they may not have been musicians themselves, what are some words of wisdom they offered to you in the face of obstacles and challenges?

I look up to my parents in so many ways, but especially in the way they both seek out and deal with challenges. They rarely champion taking the easy route — my siblings and I have always been taught to face obstacles head on, and that conquering those (or at least trying to) is the best way to build character and resilience. They’ve also instilled in us the mindset of “whatever you’re going through, someone is dealing with something worse.” Not in a way that’s meant to belittle our feelings, but I think it adds necessary perspective in life. I’m super grateful for that.

The name of your current single is titled "Dear California," and your previous single "Two Year Stand". The former speaks of your home state and the latter speaks of moving to another country every two years since the age of thirteen. What makes you feel at home and what is something you've learned not to take for granted living with no fixed address?

That’s a great question! Every time someone asks me where I’m from, I really have to pause and think about how I should answer. Most people regret asking if I launch into the whole story, but saying just one place also feels incomplete. Tough dilemma for a very basic question! Home for me really centers around people and memories. One smell in California can make me feel like I never left. A taste of authentic Thai food makes me feel like Bangkok is home again. Catching up with high school or college friends reminds me of how at-home I felt in school. Living in New York City has also taught me that you don’t have to have lived in a place your whole life to be able to call it home — not many people in NYC are true born and bred “New Yorkers” but it’s very much their home too. If you associate enough with a place and experience it beyond being an occasional tourist, it’s not a stretch to call it home.

In terms of what not to take for granted: roots, history, consistency! I’m always a little envious of the people whose families have lived in one place for generations. I try to play catch up in getting to know a place as much as I can whenever we move, but it’s no substitute for the history of having your and your family’s identity wrapped up in one place.

A deep, ethereal suspension of dreamy saturation, “Two Year Stand” with its divergent lift floats into a spiral of dreamy dysphoria as it closes with its contemplating monologues

Tiggy · Two Year Stand

Like most artists, your music speaks of relationships. How has distance shaped the meaning of friends, family and lovers?

Distance definitely makes me try and work harder at my friendships and relationships. It takes a lot of effort to stay in touch. Despite how easy it is to send someone a text these days, I think a lot of people are hesitant to do so unless it’s someone they really care about because it’s like “what’s the point?” if you’re not physically together. In my mind, distance has never seemed like a major barrier to keeping a friendship or relationship given how used to it I am. I hate the thought of losing a friend and the memories you shared, but I can also understand the people who feel like the effort isn’t always worth it to hang onto something of the past. It sort of comes down to your tolerance for sharing memories and experiences virtually. Personally, I’m a super nostalgic person so I could sustain a distance friendship with someone for years just based on recounting the memories we shared when we were physically together. But I get those who need more than that to keep something going. It’s a two way street though so I think both people have to fall in the former category to make it work. I guess I just try and hang on as tight as possible to the people who feel the same way!

You know, you're a bit of a diplomat yourself. After all, they say music is the universal language. What do you hope listeners get out of your music?

It truly is! I listen to music in languages I don’t speak all the time and it still conjures feelings. I guess that’s what I really hope for my music — that it can spur emotion, memories, and personal experiences for people in different ways. While all my music is personal to me, I think it has the potential for a lot of people to relate to it even just based on people who’ve reached out to me about it so far. Transience, growth, and optimism are main themes in my music, and I think a lot people are well acquainted with those things!

Soft and beachy with its wash of sustaining textures, Tiggy’s breezy comb of vocals embraces with its reassuring coax on “Dear California,”

Tiggy · Dear California,

[beyond-the-mirror]

Remember that concept I made about V as the Phantom of the Opera?

So I decided to start on it because the idea was literally consuming me and I wouldn’t rest until I tried. This is a small introduction to the story so I hope you all like it.

As for my other fic Nocturnal Encounters, don’t worry! The next chapter is almost ready, just finishing the final part and polishing it (I know it’s taking me some time but english is not my native language so please be patient 😰)

Tagging @thedyingmoon and @minteyeddemon because they looked very excited for this thing, thanks for your support lovelies!

---

Prologue:  Meeting you

Another beautiful morning blessed the streets of Fortuna, the city bustling with activity and radiance. Along one of the main streets your little form ran, a bag of freshly baked bread on your arms. Your father had sent you to the bakery a while ago, and since you had been a very good child by helping him with the family music store, he even gave you some extra coins for you to buy your favorite chocolate filled pastry, and not just one but two of them!

Soon enough your running slowed down to a walk as you reached Fortuna’s Opera House, a magnificent building that stood proud and pristine among others. The rococo architecture never ceased to amaze you, the ornaments and decorations in the walls and statues carved in the purest gold you had ever seen in your life. You considered yourself lucky that your house was just a couple of streets away from the opera, every time you passed it you would always observe the building in complete awe and wonder.

Oh how you dreamed of performing there, music was your true calling after all. Maybe you could perform as a ballet dancer, you remembered how your instructor at the ballet academy would often praise your talent and skills, though what you really wanted to become was a singer. There was a bit of a problem though, as confident as you were with your dancing, the same couldn’t be said about your singing skills. The only ones who had ever heard you sing were your parents, and although they would always tell you that your voice was truly gifted and stunning, you definitely felt insecure about it.

Cutting your daydream short, you once again started walking towards your house, you didn’t want your parents worrying about you taking too long. However, as you passed the alley next to the opera house an abrupt noise startled you. Turning around towards the noise, you caught sight of a child running behind some wooden boxes, a fallen barrel near them being the source of it. You definitely didn’t expect seeing a child in such a dark alley, they must be lost or something like that you figured.

Carefully approaching the crates, you called out for the kid “Hello? Are you alright?”

After a few moments, a small head peaked from behind, but as soon as they noticed you looking at them, they immediately hid once again.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you. You can come out.” You called out as softly as possible, the kid was probably feeling scared or maybe they were just very timid.

Slowly but surely, the child eventually came out their hiding place. It was a boy, probably a couple of years older than you since he was very tall, his short black hair fell in graceful waves just above his chin, making a beautiful contrast with his milky white skin. A worn and battered shirt that looked too large for him covered most of his frail body, his trousers were torn at the ankles and his feet were barely covered by an old pair of sandals.

You made eye contact for a while before his gaze lowered towards the floor.

“Are you ok?”

You asked worryingly. The boy simply nodded silently.

“Are you lost?”

This time he shook his head.

“Oh. Then, where do you live?”

Without muttering a single word, he pointed towards the opposite wall of the alley. Following his finger, you noticed what looked like trapdoor, it was slightly open, revealing a set of stairs that lead to some sort of basement.

You were staring at the trapdoor in curiosity when a small rumble surprised you. Once you turned towards the boy, he was looking directly at the bread you were carrying while holding his tummy in slight embarrassment.

“Oh! Are you hungry?” Once the boy nodded confirming your suspicion, you immediately rummaged in the bag before pulling out what you were looking for. “Here! I want you to have this.”

You handed him one of the pastries you had bought for yourself, you figured that the child needed it more than you considering how thin he looked.

“This one’s filled with chocolate. They are freshly out of the oven and they are absolutely delicious! Try it.”

The child looked at the pastry and then at you. For the first time, he spoke “T-thanks… but… what about you?”

You felt your heart ache, this poor boy looked like he was starving and yet he still worried about you. You assured him that it was nothing and then pulled the other pastry from the paper bag.

“How about we eat together? If it’s okay with you that is.”

The boy nodded, an adorable blush tainting his cheeks and a slight smile appearing on his lips.

You both sat next to each other on top of the crates, eating your pastries in comfortable silence.

It was then that you realized something “Ah! How rude of me! I forgot to introduce myself!” Your mother would always lecture you about the importance of manners, of course sometimes your easily distracted self would often forget about them. After clearing your throat, you extended your free hand towards the boy. “My name is (Y/N), may I know yours too?”

He started at your hand for a moment before hesitantly raising his, taking your hand gently between his fingers. “… V”

“Vee?” You dragged a bit too much on the word “Like the letter? You have a very curious name but I like it! It sounds mysterious and pretty…”

The boy let out a soft chuckle, it sounded so authentic and adorable, and with that pink blush adorning his cheeks you couldn’t help but let out a small giggle too, glad that you managed to make him happy.

Now that you were looking at him more attentively, you noticed how pretty his eyes were. They were a deep but vibrant shade of green, like a precious gemstone or a forest full of life. His eyes were also a bit droopy, giving them an air of gentleness and calm you had never seen before. Such eyes you shall remember forever, there was no way you could ever forget about them.

You continued eating and simply enjoying each other’s presence, time seemed to have ceased existing for you both.

Every other day you would go to the alley to visit V, the two of you becoming close friends after that encounter. Sometimes you brought something for him to keep, like a warm blanket for the cold nights, some toys, and of course, your favorite pastries. Though he wasn’t very talkative, you were surprised to learn he was a quite polite speaker. His vocabulary and knowledge amazed you, it was as if he was being raised and educated by a noble family of the highest Rank. One day during one of your visits, he showed you his most treasured possessions, a book of poetry and a long, gorgeously crafted silver cane.

When V handed you his book you were fascinated by its contents. It was an anthology of William Blake’s prose, each poem beautifully illustrated. V told you that a kind woman who took care of him gifted it to him, and since that moment he promised to always keep it close to himself. However when you asked about the cane, V simply fell silent, that gentle smile of his transforming into an expression of sadness. Not wanting to press further, you tried to cheer him up instead by offering to read some poems together. V’s face once again lit up.

On another of your visits, you swore you saw something strange on him. You were both eating your chocolate filled pastries together when one of the long sleeves of V’s large dress shirt fell along his arm, revealing a small portion of his wrist and forearm. For a few instants, you managed to see a couple of black lines that flowed and swirled on his pale skin, like rivers of ink that moved freely on a clear canvas. As soon as V noticed, he instantly pulled his sleeve, covering the marks on his arm.

You wanted to ask him about it, but before you could mutter a sound, V turned away from you, curling over himself. Worry and concern took over you, making you get on your feet and kneeled in front of him. One of your hands took hold of his face with utmost care and cooing to him, he was visibly altered but your soft touch calmed him down a bit.

“Shhh V, it’s okay. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. “ His breathing eventually slowed down to a normal pace. Though you had curiosity to know what the lines on his skin meant, you respected his silence about it, you didn’t want to overwhelm him again.

He suddenly reached towards you and pulled you into a tight hug.

“Thank you (Y/N)… your kindness is infinite like the universe… you have been a wonderful friend.”

You hugged him back, his words making your heart flutter.

One day, you couldn’t find V in the alley any longer.

You kept returning hoping to find him again, sometimes you would leave something for him next to the trapdoor, but he wouldn’t come out.

You started to miss him deeply, oh how you worried about your dearest friend. When you met him he looked so lonely and shy, a deep longing lingering in his pretty eyes. You were glad when he started to slowly open his heart to you, and when you shared with him your dreams of becoming a dancer or a singer, he encouraged you to keep pursuing your career no matter what happened.

When your parents told you that you were moving out, your heart broke. Although you wouldn’t really leave the city, your new house was located a little far from the opera house, meaning that you wouldn’t have a chance to visit the alley and check if V was still there. That night you cried your heart out, wishing to see him just once before leaving. If only you could see those bright eyes again, and that adorable smile.

You arrived at the alley the day before your family moved out. V wasn’t there either, making you feel sad as you hoped you could see him one last time. Fearing this would happen, you had written a short note explaining why you wouldn’t visit for an indefinite time and how you will deeply miss him. Carefully you placed the note next to the slightly ajar door, as well as a red rose and a bag containing a few chocolate pastries, the ones that became your favorites for you both, before leaving with a terrible sadness in your heart.

You hoped that one day you both will be reunited, in the meantime you committed to memory the sight of his adorable smile as well as those precious eyes of his.

You would never forget those eyes.

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

I wrote this a while ago (4 months?) . Sorry it’s so long, but that’s the drawback of insomnia and no one to gush about a movie to...

Short verson? Unexpectedly I really liked an obscure old western called To the Last Man, basically because the romance at it’s center really connected with me. 

It’s interesting when a movie takes you by surprise.

I’ve been watching a a DVD set Pop fished out of a $5 bin a very long time ago. It’s one of those “20 movies crammed onto two discs, and how watchable the image and sound are doesn’t matter” kind of things. And geez, some of these look horrible. In the case of one movie there were times I couldn’t even tell which character was on screen. These are the sort of churned out discs where the just throw whatever they can get a hold of onto it, quality be damned.

 Not being a huge western fan, and having recently endured a similar set of early John Wayne films Pop had * I wasn’t looking forward to it at all. Still, it was the last of the unwatched movie DVDs so I figured I might as well play them.

Turns out they have been a facinating variety of westerns, covering at least 40 years. For instance one film was a a spaghetti western that actually involved a circus ** and a film next to it was a pilot to a 1970s tv show set in 1914 with the heroes traveling the west in a car. 

Which leads me to the biggest surprise so far, a barely movie length film from 1933 called To the Last Man. 

Now I went into it expecting very little. It was one of those movies so short it wouldn’t be considered feature length now, a western staring Randolph Scott who always seems to fade from my memory as soon as I finish a film. *** Even after it started it seemed to be a Hatfield and McCoy style family fued migrating west, with an already old fashioned silent era quirk of putting the names of the character and actor on screen when they first appeared. And then they added a Romeo and Juliet to the story…

Again I had low expectations, When they introduced the girl, daughter of the baddie family, I thought I knew exactly where it was going. Once out west the girl is a bronco busting, sometimes trouser wearing despite being the 19th century, kind of gal. I liked her, which made me dread the romance ahead.

See stories have traditionally had problems with romances involving  non-traditional women. 

In some stories the woman will be there for the fella, saving his life or something like that, but whatever affections he may have for her the love will be unrequited. Sometimes she dies, sometimes she gets a supporting character love interest, but always the hero goes off with the traditional princess type girl.

 In the stories where there is dainty, aloof beauty for the hero to moon over instead, they go a different route. Those are the stories where women are tamed. The hero often mocks and teases the woman for her non-traditional ways, even outright bullying her and accusing her of not being a “real” woman. She goes through an awkward phase of attempting to be properly feminine, to humorous effect, before eventually transforming into what a woman is “supposed’ to be for the love of her man.

I hate those, both of them. With the first,  I find myself grumbling the gal is to good for him if he cares more about a proper bit of styling and pretty face than courage or kindness. With the second, it’s even worse. Love does NOT demand that the person you love deny their nature and remake themselves to satisfy your tastes. If they have to change into something else to earn your love then you don’t love them at all. 

Anyway, I was sure how this was gonna go, especially with references in the conversation between the father and his thug pal about her wildness. This was gonna be a taming. I liked her as she was, and they were going to break her…

But I was wrong! 

The initial “meet cute” involved her swimming (naked…it was1933) and being harrassed by the thug until the hero rides up and intervened. When afterwards they chatted I was surprised. Sure it was flirty and established their attraction, but in more authentic way than I expected. When he refered to her as a lady and she assumed he was mocking her, in most movies there would be truth in her belief. But not here. To be honest I was as thrown as she was by his sincerity.

Later she talked to one of her father’s men, trying to figure out how a lady would dress because she wanted to dress that way before heading out to find the hero. I thought, “oh no, here it comes”, but again I was wrong. The conversation was sweet as the guy used his mother as an example and offered to help the girl go shopping, only to have her say she couldn’t wait that long. The hero would be camping for the night nearby, so she would have to go find him wearing her usual ratty clothes. She did NOT do the comedy attempt to fancy up!

And then we get to the campfire scene.

They may have met while she was swimming, but he has a body too. She surprises him as he shirtlessly shaves, so there is a bit of admiring the male form, complete with her saying she would think he was “soft” (for shaving so often in her rough world) if it weren’t for the fact she could see his strong arms. Even now too many movies don’t do something as simple as this: Let the man be physically admired by the woman.

During their conversation after he dresses, for all her attraction she is also self conscious of her rough around the edges appearance. When he notes her bare feet must find the mountains painful, she is defensive, expecting it to be a slight. But he quickly reassures her that no insult was meant, and it’s true. He didn’t. Not once in that scene, or in any scene, did he ever belittle her or tell her that she is somehow wrong for being herself.

When he was ready to say goodnight she announces she is staying. While she does tell him he must treat her “like a man” for the night, it’s still a woman boldly telling a man she’s spending the night with him whatever ended up happening after the fade out.

Now next morning she fixes him breakfast. In most movies this would either be the comical “non-traditional woman inept at proper womanly skills” or it would be the “non-traditional woman embraces properly womanly role because of love”. It was neither. She fixed him breakfast, an affectionate gesture to be sure,  but no fuss was made of it. She cooked it skillfuly and he didn’t seem astonished. It was just….breakfast.

Naturally as they are now head over heels for each other, this is when they find out each other’s family names, with the expected emotional turmoil. Now you would expect a few hostile scenes between them before they get over the whole feud thing, but they actually get over it quickly. By the time he buys gifts for his reunion with his family, he buys one more gift for her. And sure, when he leaves it where she can find it she at first angrily tosses it in the fire…before fishing it out. The fact is they are still in love, family war or not.  

About that gift..yes, it is a dress, but it doesn’t feel like a judgement or a nudge but a gift given with love of something she desires. He doesn’t know that when her father got out of prison he commented on her shabby dress,which she explained was her only dress after the hard life she’d had to live. He does know she was self conscious about the dress she wore when they met. It feels like a thoughtful gesture.  

The next time they are together, her family has stollen his family’s horses and she is joyfully riding the horse his brother had recently given to him. This would be a  moment for a lot of shouting and protesting that their own families were in the right. Instead we see little of the encounter except from the viewpoint of the distant thug. Considering the couple kiss and he smilingly sees her off on what had been his horse, I really don’t think there was much shouting.

Naturally the thug, who has designs on her,  tells her father abouther romance. The dress she’d hidden away is dug out as proof. She defiantly says she intends to wear the dress at her wedding to the hero, and her father lashes her. It’s off camera but we see him swinging the whip, so whoa, horrible daddy there! 

Stuff happens with the feud, which I’ve almost totally ignored**** despite it being the main plot, which culminates in the thug engineering a rock slide. The only survivor of the men folk from both clans is, of course, our hero. As he staggers to the girl’s home he seems horribly injured and dazed almost to senselessness. There is no sudden miraculous recovery for the sake of love scenes, fights or plot.  This is convincing the way 99% of all action movies ever aren’t when it comes to traumatic injuries. He needs care..

So here comes the thug. The girl quickly hides the hero in the loft and goes to work to deal with the villian. She has to feign normalicy, then react as he would expect her to react, while he makes clear she is to be considered his property and she has to figure out how to play that considering she is trying to hide her beloved. The dazed hero can hear what’s going on, tries to aim his gun, and drops it. The villian know the hero is there, so it’s time for a fight scene..l.

And the fight is between the villian and the girl!! And this is no dainty girly crap like so many movies have thrown at us. 

Mom and I used to have this thing of yelling at the screen “Hit him!!!!!” whenever heroes and villians would fight and the love interest would stand by looking helpless. I mean, I dunno about you but if someone is trying to kill someone I love they are gonna find themselves fuckin’ fughting TWO people!

And here the girl was doing some serious full body, roll on the floor punching and biting fighting. This wasn’t damsel in distress “You brute!” thumps at the chest or gingerly smashed vases on the head. She fought like she was trying to save the life of someone she loved. Which should be expected, but isn’t when watching an old western.

Alright, so the hero does finally do in the baddie by dropping down with a knife…but now that I think about it maybe SHE was the hero of the movie anyway.

Well, maybe to me she was because she was my identification character. Most of these westerns haven’t had women I could relate to at all, and here was one I related to on some very deep level. I got her. 

Now my family was nothing like hers, not only in the lack of violence (with the ones exception of a relative you can guess) but that they were hardly uneducated (say hello to the ONLY relative I even know of that didn’t graduate college…that would be me BTW) Heck, Pop was a total sweetheart.

And yet I got her. 

An unconventional woman type myself, I never learned the girly stuff. Partly that was accidental and partly it was impractical for the life we lived. I did have to be willing to be rough and tumble, with no line between guy stuff and girl stuff. When I was a kid I was also the only girl in a neighborhood of boys where being a sissy was the worst insult and you had to be ready to fight. I was the girl that swam in the river and played in the woods. And for various reasons ( would take a while to explain) I’ve spent most of my life in worn out work clothes. 

Actually that’s an aspect that makes her resonate even more: clothes. 

I don’t dress like her, but I have my own version shabby woods girl going on. As I write this I’m wearing one of my father’s old t-shirts with holes in it, jeans worn at the knees, a broken hair barrette in my hair, and steel toed men’s work boots on my feet. 

Now there are reasons for all of these. The practicalities of farm amd woods life, being poor enough I’d have to choose between new clothes or things like books, a childhood trauma that gave me a lifelong desire to dress for fight or flight, not having a social life so 99% of the time no human sees me, living in a rural area with no credit card for onlinr ordering and, in the case of the boots, just the fact they are all I can find locally that work with the ankle braces my flat feet force me to wear.

But notice what is missing from all these reasons: fashion. I almost never get to wear clothes I actually like. I’d flip through catalogs or wander stores and imagine wearing this or that. I have strong feelings about clothes I like or don’t, but no real chance to express it. I actually fantasize about that, living the sort of lifestyle where even if you are adventuring you get to pick clothes you want to wear.

Somewhere along the line people started assuming I what I wear reflects my taste, or rather lack there of. I used to ask my cousin at Christmas to please give me something pretty. She couldn’t understand it as a request, but folks just never thought of me as wanting pretty things. What would it have been like, just once, to try to be pretty. 

Actually I’d probably have been laughed at, a comedy buffoon, the hideous lady trying to look cute, the ugly step sister. Just as well life never gave me a chance to try. 

So being self conscious about my appearance is normal for me. I know how I look to people. I also know from experience that people can be cruel, and have taken my share of insults and mocking. In her position I would have thought he was making fun of me too and reacted almost exactly like her. In fact, I have. 

Here is a heroine I can relate to, and she gets the fantasy too. The fella falls in love with her, and loves her as is, not as a fix it upper. He loves her and doesn’t tease her about things where she is sensitive. He gives her a gift of something pretty just because he thinks she will like it. She gets to admire him (and his strong arms). She even gets to fight the bad guy to save him! 

Geez, of course I ended up loving the movie!

Never saw that coming, a Randolph Scott film I will actually remember! But the question is, will I finally remember his face or just his arms?

*NOT  a John Wayne fan, and these were some sort of 1930s filler less than an hour formula stuff.

**I REALLY enjoyed this one, but of course I have a thing for circuses. Woody Strode as a trapeze artist gunfighter and Victor Buono as the big bad were nice bonuses.

***That’s always puzzled me. I usually have an excellent memory for faces from movies, but I forget his instantly.

****Also forgotten, Buster Crabbe, Shirley Temple and the rest of the costars. 

[thecollinhartman-blog]

Collin’s Coronavirus Thoughts

Corona Diaries

 I know what you are thinking. It is Day 4 of the Quarantine and Social Distancing and Collin has gone so crazy without all the busy-ness of life that he is writing a blog post. And you would be absolutely correct. Like every other millennial twenty-something, I have a lot of really great ideas that haven’t quite come to fruition. By now I thought I would be operating a volleyball facility, or traveling the US in a VW van driving for Uber, or pursuing a PhD program in England while playing volleyball, or coaching a small college team in Southern California.

All this to say I’m a big-time dreamer and a mostly incredibly poor “executer”. I often mistake my busy-ness for full-ness. I have seven unread books on my night stand, I haven’t been grocery shopping in weeks, I never got around to painting the trim in the bathroom my dad and I remodeled, my phone hasn’t been at full charge since November, and there has been an overflow of recycling sitting outside my house from the garbage disposal and mattress I got for Christmas… and now it’s March. Welcome to it, friends.

 Let’s start here: I stopped by my parents’ house this week to print something – which I often do because I have a lot of printing needs but haven’t ever purchased a printer. It’s nice because I can print some papers I need AND I can always count on cool ranch Doritos and a Mango Orange Crystal Lite…. that I’ll likely take one sip of, leave on the counter, and finish when I’m there 4 days later.

 Anyway, here I am printing in my dad’s office and running late for a meeting  (all because I napped for too long). I rush out the door of the house, accidentally leaving one document on the printer, pens and paper everywhere, and a cupboard desk drawer open. A few minutes later, my dad sends me a picture of his office, which was without a doubt entirely put together five minutes prior to me being there. The tone of his text is sarcastic but loving but semi-annoyed which I can handle. I spend six seconds feeling bad about my reckless and disorganized self until Hillsong’s Highlands comes on the radio and I turn it up. I don’t spend time reflecting on things that would make me sad, I’m a 7.

 In the midst of my frantic printing and meeting prep, my dad told me he was going to call me “F-5”as my new nickname. By the look on my face, he could tell I was confused as to why. He begins to tell me that tornados are classified in F-0 through F-5 categories, with an F-5 tornado being the wildest in nature. My quick google search defines an F-5 tornado as the most “violent damage, homes lifted off foundation and carried considerable distances, autos thrown as far as 100 meters.” I think what my dad was trying to say is that my general way of life is to rampage my way through different spaces, groups, situations… often times in an assertive, proactive, somewhat wild, chaotic way and then just… leave (I think this how I drive too). Stop go stop go stop go. I go from this thing right on to the next without pause. I show up, jump out of my car, race to wherever I’m supposed to go, be (mostly) present there until BOOM, it’s a Monday evening and I’m in the Eagle gym, shutting off all the lights, gathering volleyballs, turning on the alarm, leaving for Young Life – all in an attempt to get there three minutes before it starts so I can prep items for the game I’m leading ALLLLL before being interrupted in the parking lot by a mom of a U11 kid who is reminding me (probably for the 3rd time) about the t-shirt they ordered and are waiting on. Following? Me neither.

 In short – my life actually is like an F-5 tornado. I run run run from one thing to the next, filling my world to the brim with as much as I possibly can all until I arrive back at my house at 10:30 pm, gas light on, eat whatever I can find in the fridge before my head hits the pillow 4 minutes later, only to set my alarm and do it again.

 I’ve been living my life like this for a really long time until…. well until Sunday when we got the news that school is cancelled, which means volleyball activities are all cancelled too, and Young Life gatherings paused and suddenly my wild Monday is WIDE OPEN.

 This blog post / journal / diary is my attempt to articulate from my squirrel brain some things I’ve learned about myself in the last 48 hours since this craziness called coronavirus officially stopped my (and probably your) collective world right in their F-5 tornado tracks.

 First, let me tell you about my day today paint a picture of how my world feels just a bit (LITERALLY ENTIRELY) different…..

 1)    I didn’t set an alarm and I woke up at 8:30 am.

2)    Shortly after, I went on a quick walk to the nearest coffee shop and ordered a Misto: I am on my journey to black coffee and I just graduated from a latte to this half coffee half milk concoction (with caramel) and I feel accomplished.

3)    I stopped by my neighbor friend’s house to say hello.

4)    I got home, cleaned a couple things around the house, washed a couple plates in my sink, and went on a bike ride to downtown Boise where I enjoyed a takeout lunch from Whole Foods. I would like to tell you that I rode my bike home, but a friend happened to see me and my girlfriend (she is working remotely from Utah and visiting right now) saw us and somehow realized the journey completely uphill from downtown to my house on the bench might not be all that fun so we piled our bikes in her car and she took us home.

5)    I took a 20 minute snoozer.

6)    I got up and did some yard work outside, gathering pine needles from underneath my big backyard tree and finally broke down those big boxes that have been sitting outside my house for months and was able to fit them all inside my recycling can.

7)    It started to drizzle so I came inside, crawled under a big blanket and read the first couple chapters of Prodigal God by Timothy Keller.

8)    Kinslie and I then stopped by the store to pick up some things for dinner and I grilled some steaks and shared a giant salad and some grilled asparagus.

9)    After a few girl scout cookies (they stopped by yesterday), we watched the last half of Ellen’s Game of Games and picked a movie on Netflix.

10) Now I’m lying in my (perfectly made) bed (because I had the time to make it) writing all my thoughts down in a word document wondering if I’ll actually post this or if there is really anything of worth that I’m typing. I think there is but not sure yet.

 Well, friends of the interwebs, you might be wondering why you just read a detailed list of my day from start to finish. Here’s what I want you to know.

 1)    Upon arriving at the coffee shop, I had a cheerful silly conversation with the barista about what drink I should order as we laughed about me wanting to eventually enjoy drip coffee. We engaged in authentic dialogue for a few minutes and on the way out I thanked her for the drink recommendation.

2)    Before leaving for our bike ride, my tires were flat so we walked them to the gas station and filled up with six quarters before we went on our merry way. I empathized with the Chevron employee as we talked about coronavirus and how it might impact our lives. I wished him well and went on my way.

3)    While bikeriding downtown I noticed there are five…. FIVE… different types of massage or spa places between my house and Curtis, which is the next main stop light.

4)    At Whole Foods, I asked the clerk their favorite pasta salad as she walked over and told me all about the 2 for $6 deal. I noticed the different textures of the floor and the neatly stacked chairs and how the vegetables were perfectly arranged in their place.

5)    While doing yardwork, I stopped and looked at Kinslie as she was raking leaves into a pile. I went over and looked, I mean REALLY LOOKED into her eyes and noticed how the Irish green edges melt into a light sky-ish blue before meeting her pupil. I noticed the way she parted her wavy blonde hair and the way it fell just barely over the sweatshirt she was borrowing of mine.  I noticed how thankful I was I had someone to share this day with and even more thankful for her idea to do this yardwork that surely wouldn’t have been started for maybe forever.

6)    While reading, I noticed the way the soft sunshine pressed through my semi-open blinds onto my page and made the black ink pop off the page. I contemplated Keller’s words of Pharisees and tax collectors and a story of two sons on their journey of deeper understanding of God’s steadfast love and grace in the midst of their own struggles.

7)    While making dinner I couldn’t help but take just a little extra time to delicately cut each cucumber and carrot slice with care as I heard sounds of clattering branches from my cracked window as dusk began to settle in.

8)    And while writing this blog post, I can’t help but notice all the things I noticed in my own world for perhaps the first time.

 While I can’t be sure what life will look like in a few short days, weeks, or even months, and while I’m not positive what my income will be, and what daily routines or rituals will be impacted, or how our schools and communities will be changed – I can be sure of this: I hope in the midst of my crazy F-5 tornado life that surely will be back in busy routine before I know it – I hope for a couple things.

 I hope I can continue notice the little things. To notice the wildly interconnected, perfectly-timed, awe strikingly beautiful, crazy detailed, little details of this world like the way I noticed the lines on the fresh steaks as I pulled them off my garage sale grill.  

 I hope to breathe deep and see, I mean REALLY see the world around me, to engage in relationship in more authentic and honest ways, to stop for a moment wherever I am to truly connect with the people around me.

  I hope to take my time through a home cooked meal, and to not be so filled with anxiousness and fear of the future and unknown that I my eyes are blinded to see the way God is working in and through my (and our) world, possibly even through something like the freaking COVID-19.

 While I’m sure there will be more lessons to be learned in the next little while, I challenge you to take a couple moments to really press in and reflect upon the way this Zombie apocalyptic ish tirade is impacting your world. I truly hope in the midst of empty toilet paper shelves and hand sanitizer hoarders there is something beautiful in your world that you’ve noticed, too.

[writeinspiration]

YOUR GUIDE TO WRITING WOMEN

There’s a lot of talk these days on “how to write a strong female character”. It’s a push back against the Disney-esque damsel in distress type character, where a woman’s biggest struggle in life was choosing the right man to marry or being preyed upon because of her beauty. Now emerges this tough as nails, self-assured, “I can change my own tires and never call me a princess” woman.

Can I tell you that both of these depictions are ridiculous?

All women are capable of being both soft and strong simultaneously. To be a woman is to exist in paradox. Yup, it’s complicated, but that’s exactly what we’re discussing in this article: how to write a woman if you’ve never been a woman and can’t think like one either. Below, we’re sharing our favorite tips and strategies for creating authentic women in your stories. You may want to bookmark this one.

Here’s a handy and printable list of do’s and don’ts for writing realistic women characters.

CLICK HERE

LET’S GET RID OF “STRONG WOMEN CHARACTERS”

Whenever I hear the term “strong women character”, I start to twitch. It’s not that I don’t approve of the idea, it’s just executed incorrectly.

Far too many male authors project masculine qualities onto a female character in an attempt to show how tough she is. Here’s an example: she can get up from a one night stand and never call or look back.

The result?

You reinforce the idea that femininity is weak.

It’s one thing to push against gender stereotypes but it’s another thing to create a fantasy woman that doesn’t ring true.

You can create a strong woman but make sure she’s a woman, and not just a dude with a skirt on.

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You can create a strong woman but make sure she’s a woman, and not just a dude with a skirt on. In other words, she can’t be you in drag. She’s got to have the heart and motivation of a woman in every scene she’s in.

WHAT MOTIVATES A WOMAN?

I’m glad you asked.

Most women are motivated by two things: safety and service.

Women want to feel safe. But take note: there’s no universal definition to safety. This is how you can explore the individuality of your character.

What will make her feel safe in this scene and in the story as a whole? What is preventing her from reaching that place of safety? Perhaps it’s an outside obstacle, or maybe it’s her own weakness.

Always have your woman character reaching for safety, not just for a gun (well, only if you must).

Women also want to be of service. Women have a deep capacity to serve others. That’s not to say that women are subservient. On the contrary, women are in positions of power and influence as mothers, teachers, doctors, storytellers, et al. In fact, women can fulfill most any job that men can do.

The difference is that, for most women, ego is not the driving force.

This isn’t a slight against men, though. It’s just that men and women see work differently.

Men consider work as a way to showcase their ability, a beating of the chest, if you will. Women consider work as a service, whether it’s helping the customer, helping the company, or putting food on the table for her kids.

Now, I know I’m speaking in generalities here. So, don’t throw tomatoes at me just yet.

In your story, show how this woman serves others. Maybe she’s sacrificing her freedom for her sister. Or, in a twist, maybe she’s an unreliable narrator who pretends to be a loving, self-sacrificing wife when she’s really a manipulative sociopath. Extra points if you can name those stories.

While these two motivations don’t apply to all women, they’re a great jump-off point when you set out to write from a woman’s perspective.

WHAT IS YOUR MOTIVATION?

Now, let’s turn the table on you. Here are a few questions you should ask yourself before writing from a woman’s perspective:

Why are you assigning a female gender to this character?

Are you just doing it to show how cool and hip and progressive you are?

Are you writing a biting, sardonic social commentary?

Do you want to create a realistic portrait of a woman?

Is there an added level of symbolism to your gender choice?

Let the answers to these questions dictate how you assign gender to all of your characters, not just the female ones.

As an aside, one of the best types of tension in literature (and life) is male versus female. Men and women will never think in the same way which makes life so very interesting and infuriating at the same time. Using men and women to foil each other can create an delightful dynamic in your story, as long as you avoid stereotypes.

Here’s a list of stereotypes:

The delicate flower. She barely talks above a whisper, she’s sad, so terribly sad, suffering from the pain of a mysterious past.

The femme fatale. She’s a sexpot, only wears skin-tight clothes, and has a gun with your name on it.

The crazy girlfriend. She’s also got a gun.

The stay at home wife. She’s wholesome, virtuous, and dependant. Her only will for living is to be a wife and a mom.

The career driven. She’s cold-hearted and she wears designer shoes.

The most beautiful girl in the world. She’s so beautiful that she doesn’t even know it, but every other woman around her hates her.

Keep in mind that writing a female character who exhibits the polar opposite of any of these stereotypes doesn’t make your writing cool or edgy, it just makes you look like you’re trying too hard.

The best thing you can do is to avoid these stereotypes altogether. Don’t even acknowledge that they exist, and you’ll instantly improve your storytelling.

Stereotypes make a character fall flat. Stereotypes deflate what could be an interesting character.

USE A MUSE

Base the character on someone you already know. But be careful, this one’s tricky. You definitely don’t want it to be too similar that you risk a lawsuit and the relationship if it’s unflattering.

I recommend going with the “inspired by” approach. For example, model a character after your grandmother. Based on what you know of her, how would she face this particular situation? What would she do? How would she respond? Is she feisty or subdued? Is she careful or careless?

And here’s the thing: you don’t have to use just one woman as your muse. In fact, it’s better to create a composite of more than one woman. She may behave like Jan but look like Cindy.

WILL REAL WOMEN ADMIRE THIS CHARACTER?

Here’s your litmus test. Will your character, as she’s written, appeal to a female reader?

If your answer is, “I’m not sure”, it’s time to get your story into the hands of a woman. Ask her to pay special attention to the women in your story (you do have more than one, right?). A woman should be able to answer whether the women you’ve written seem authentic or fantasy.

HERE’S YOUR HOMEWORK

Talk to a woman. As you’re talking to her, pretend that she’s the character you’re writing. Things to observe:

How does she respond to you?

What’s her body language?

How does she speak? Is it fast or slow?

Does she emphasize certain words, repeat certain phrases?

This woman may not represent the entire character, but perhaps an aspect of her. “Interview” several women to create a composite character.

Interview a woman as if she is your character. Let’s take a step beyond mere observation. Explain that you’re doing character research and ask someone you know for an interview. In your interview, ask your friend or family member questions as if she were your character. For example, set up a scenario or scene from your novel and then ask questions like:

If you were in this situation, what would you do?

What would be your thought process in this situation?

What would be your main motivation?

Of course, you don’t have to go into detail, especially if you don’t want to share your story before it’s time. Instead, create similar scenarios for the interview that you can then use to understand key motivations for your female characters.

Not sure if you can find a woman to interview? Remember, women like to help and be of service to others. Good luck, and now you can throw tomatoes if you’d like.

Here’s a handy and printable list of do’s and don’ts for writing realistic women characters.

CLICK HERE

[neurotic-knives]

Final Fantasy XIV: Stormblood, The Story of Hali Naras

Beneath the cut is probably a very long story, detailing a lot of feelings and other things, including feelings, opinions, and experiences as told from my perspective. I will not be tagging certain people with whom I’ve since parted ways, both to prevent further conflict and spare them all the reminder that I exist within a shared space, especially as some have come to fear or are made uncomfortable by me for some reasons I wholly understand, but some that I still do not fully comprehend. For those people, if you see this post and choose to read it, I am thankful for the good times, and regret all the bad that has transpired despite them. I hope all involved here, friend or otherwise, can move on and enjoy Shadowbringers with nothing holding them back. I know that I will.

Near the end of Heavensward,

I returned to FFXIV after over a year of being gone. I didn’t leave of my own volition. I’d changed out my phone, and, with it, lost my authenticator. I had issues with customer service, then, and, instead of deactivating it like I had asked, they removed my payment info and said nothing more, essentially, as I put it “soft-banning” me from the game.

WoW had become a toxic place for me. The creativity and ideas that I had grown to love sharing with my friends had begun to be spurned due to several changes in leadership, some of whom were not used to my off-the-wall ideas and story arcs there. Combined with the rise of community groups like Failzeroth and the like, I had wound up seeing, as the Discord admin, that I was being talked about behind my back. People dithered on what to “do about [me]” because the ideas I had for my longest-running character, @titantechcorelyn, were viewed by the leadership at the time as “possible, but not probable” despite countless instances of proof in the lore, which I prided myself in knowing inside and out. I made the decision for them, and I left the game after getting sick of feeling like I was being swept under the rug.

At the time, my ex-girlfriend and roommate had a friend from work that we both got along with well who played FFXIV and got us both back into the game. After a couple of days trying again with customer service to get my account back, I was back in. Corelyn Rosefire, my main at the time, a Garlean defector who had long since taken refuge in Eorzea, was brought back into the spotlight, and I began trying to find RP again as I worked my way through the MSQ, preparing for the new Stormblood expansion.

Eventually, I reconnected with @danshadowsrp / @raptorswithlaszorz, who had been a fabulous and supportive friend for a very long time, since almost a decade ago when we met in WoW. He was the one who helped me ease into my transition and I owe finding my identity entirely to his help. He means a great deal to me, even though we don’t get to do much together these days.

Corelyn’s story moved forward slowly but steadily, and, eventually, I met Aegir, Bragi, and Araceli during a “Garlean Bar Crawl” RP. I eventually got Corelyn involved with their Garlean group, and a linkshell of Garleans at the time they were all part of. The frienship grew, and I began hanging out with them exclusively. They were great friends and I loved every moment we all spent together, hanging out and having fun.

Eventually, I was introduced the the Gold and Glory free company, which was still run by Jaliqai at the time, being a hunters’ guild full of Xaela and Miqo’te, yet that also played unwitting host to the “Not-Garleans,” Aegir, Bragi, and Araceli, as well as Araceli’s main, Lirilith. It was less than a few months in that Jaliqai decided the she no longer wished to run G&G, and passed leadership on to the Not-Garleans, who made a fantastic RP experience with their boundless creativity and inclusiveness. They invited me in, at that time, and I’d found my first real home in FFXIV since before, for the long time I’d played, I never really belonged anywhere. This felt nice. I had good friends.

G&G took off. There I met wonderful friends, some of which I still am happy to know, including Naoh, Keerith, Dato, and more. Soon, I decided to use that font of creativity within the free company to create a character that I had intended as an experiment: Hali Naras, my main character now known by the name Asashio no Haruhi, and the subject of this tumblr: an autistic Keeper of the Moon miqo’te of somewhat awkward height and build who, through the Echo, could feel out aether and tried to use that to copy spells she experienced or studied. She was meant to be something I had never done before: a character based on what was, overwhelmingly, a self-insert concept. Inevitably, she grew, and she grew fast. She was discovered by another of the Not-Garleans, their boss, Zheng. and, after helping with a job gone south, she was taken to meet the Crawfords, Aegir and Bragi’s personas for the new owners of G&G, played by an alt of Aegir’s and a recustomisation of Bragi’s main.

Things were off to a rough start, as, given the lack of a real event system, we used Grindstone rules for the most part, opposed rolls never quite working out for her. She was established very quickly as a fluke - someone who performed well when no one was looking, at first meeting, then proceeded to become a helpless, anxiety-ridden mess, incapable of really helping anyone, even herself. She was beaten, broken, and abused, time and time again, to the point where it sort of became a running joke. Aegir tended to play off on it in his comics quite a deal, picking on her from time to time, though usually just in good fun. I’ll admit a small bit of resentment over it since I had wanted her to start off as a somewhat competent, interesting character, but instead wound up with a woobie.

Hali liked to cook, as I do IRL, and so she found her niche within G&G thanks to some intervention. She would go on adventures to hone her skill and magic as much as she could, but her primary job was the overnight chef. She excelled there. My penchant for writing food porn got her far, there, and so we also decided to open G&G’s old tavern, the Bountiful Chest, back up. I took the lead on the project, creating a menu, helping to make the restaurant, and taking the lead on running things. The crew at the time was fantastic, Araceli waiting tables, Aegir and Bragi hanging about as the Crawfords, greeting people and overseeing operations, Hali cooking up a storm, and, as time went on, more and more people took part. It was a fun weekly thing - or semiweekly as my health began to decline due to a mixture of issues that I have only recently begun to have treated.

We began to network from time to time with the Outriders free company and with a storyteller, O’byahta, who was a big part of that FC, run by @glitterychaospersona and @superiorthaumaturge, along with a couple others at the time. Hali got involved in “Byahta’s Ventures” around the same time as she was scouted out by Aegir, Bragi, and Zheng’s “Immortals,” a sect of Thavnairian Blue Mages that were throwbacks to FFXI’s BLU. Hali faced a great deal of turmoil, but always managed to overcome it.

We had also, eventually, taken over the Garlean community linkshell, being heavily active with the Not-Garlean, networking with Corelyn and a multitude of others. We created what was called the Fustuarium, a group of Imperial special agents that would hunt down rogue elements, judge them, then either bring them back into the fold or execute them. We had many members join by being “re-acquired.” It was a lot of fun.

Through all I did in both the Fustuarium group and G&G proper, I was made an officer. I was never really asked if I wanted it, and likely would’ve asked not to be, but I accepted the role. I had taken such an active role within the FC, and loved the feeling of belonging to this wonderfully-creative group that ran immensely-fun events and came up with great ideas together, such as Iron Chef Eorzea, the Menphina Madness Blitzball Tournament, revamping the Golden Gala, and so much more.

Hali’s story moved on and on, eventually earning herself the title of Iron Chef, she went with the company to Kugane, was taught to become a shinobi, eschewed the blue magic of the Immortals, fought for her life with the Outriders at her side, became captain of Kugane’s Koban Crushers Blittzball team, and so on.

Eventually, through the Fustuarium group, @phantom-singularity was introduced to me and to G&G. I was leery of her at first, admittedly, as she was brought in by a member of the group, Otho/Odeai, for whom I really didn’t have much fondness. However, we began to talk in general, and then she DM’d me on Discord. Since that day, nearly two years ago, not a single day has passed where we haven’t been in contact nearly all the time we share awake. We fell in love, suffered together, visited one another, and eventually moved in together. If there’s anything I’m grateful for from this expansion, it’s her. If it were not for us starting RP between Hali and her character Dahlia @umbralhearts, I probably would not have survived the stress and abuse I had suffered over the course of the past few years thanks to, I have only recently discovered, a very abusive pseudo-relationship with someone we are still trying to escape.

As time went on, and Odeai continuously stirred shit up (eventually getting herself kicked from all those groups), I grew to greatly dislike her, especially as she was very much the catalyst that led to the awful witch hunt that was perpetuated against Dani. I won’t go into all of that again - the posts can be found on my main blog, @nierfenhimer, somewhere - but it was hell for us both. She wanted to have friends. I loved the friends I had, but they way it was all handled was, inevitably, disastrous, no matter how much I tried to stop it. Eventually, she left G&G and the Fustuarium. Not long after, I did, as well. Everyone was angry, everyone was hurt, and we all hated it. It was a nightmare come true for many reasons. There is still, today, especially after repeated similar situations on Aegir, Bragi, Liri, and Zheng’s parts with G&G, a lot of resentment between us all, I’m sure. What bridges were burned are likely gone for good. Everyone made mistakes. Following all of it, Dani and I became so stressed that we left FFXIV for a year, sacrificing the house that we had just gotten together for the sake of our safety and sanity.

During that time, Hali and Dahlia, who had been struggling together against a voidsent that possessed Dahlia, became embroiled in an awful conflict, eventually resulting in Hali’s death. Thanks to a combination of a great many things, Hali was resurrected when we returned. We left for WoW for a time, going back to my decade-long friends like @tyrellia, @kombink, @squishlecharacters, @aythala, and so many more. However, it didn’t last because, frankly, Battle for Azeroth turned out to be a dumpster fire.

It sucks, but today, I’m happy to have several great groups of friends. Dani and I joined the Outriders officially, along with Naomi and Otto, as well as Naoh and Keerith, who had gone there, Hali’s long-time rival and best friend, @trahventia, and more. We made new friends like @weaponskill, @deviltouched-xaela, and more. We reconnected with old friends from before we left such as @floating-city-of-nem and others. We made new friends. 

Even though I was unemployed on and off, going through hell on earth, and constantly unstable, Dani, along with the Outriders and my friends from the Retribution/TSV/Ashguard back from WoW were immensely supportive. The Outriders, over the summer of 2018, raised nearly $350 together to help pay for my name change as part of my transition. Today, I have a name to match my identity - one that I’m comfortable and happy to use - because of them. We’ve played countless games of D&D together, as well as other tabletops. We’ve had fun, and we’ve even had our share of drama, but we’ve made it through. 

Hali and Dahlia got married in-game, and we’ve come up with wonderful ideas, characters, and even ships together. Hali has since become a cyclone of chaotic life events, combining her shinobi training with abyssal magic as she’s embraced her inner darkness. We managed to reclaim a house for Hali and Dahlia and have since made a wonderful home together in the game.

Stormblood was an expansion where I truly let go of past hurts, in RP and otherwise, and found my niche. I found my identity, I grew up, I suffered immensely, but I learned, I fell in love, I had fun, and I let go of the things that had been holding me back as a person and from letting me truly have fun.

To all of you who were a part of my life, for better, worse, or both, thank you. Thank you all for everything you have been for me. To G&G for getting me involved, to the Outriders for picking me back up when that all fell apart, to the Retribution for taking me back for the short time I was back on WoW and understanding my propensity to disappear when life gets hard, to the friends, both old and new, that we have had, kept, and lost, and, most of all, to Dani, who I love without parallel and am happy every day I wake up next to you, no matter what trials we face.

Stormblood brought good and bad. It was truly a Storm of Blood. But it was good. It was amazing, and it was terrible all at once. I wouldn’t trade any of it for anything. I’m looking forward to Shadowbringers, and to experiencing it with all of you. We’ve all come a long way. See y’all on the other side. ♥

~ Asashio no Haruhi / Hali Naras of Balmung, Crystal DC

[puncheur]

Queer recommendations

a masterlist of queer content that I, a trans gay man, love and want to share with the world

Film/TV:

Alex Strangelove

-  american and cheesy, but nice gay coming-of-age story. very pleasant, the dumb tender content i crave

Brokeback Mountain

- sad as hell, a classic. i adore it, but find it hard to watch, obviously. beautiful and tender gay tragedy

Call Me By Your Name

- yes it’s controversial, but i loved both the book and the movie. it resonated with me and my experiences and the vibe of the film is just haunting

Druck (in German, but can be found with english subtitles)

- the german remake of SKAM. authentically depicts the lives of young people, each season focusing on a different character. the main character of season three is gay, and his love interest is a trans man (played by a trans man). absolutely beautiful 

The Gay and Wondrous Life of Caleb Gallo

- sitcom-ish web series, main character is gay, features a genderqueer character. this series is where the “sometimes things that are expensive are worse” meme comes from. it’s so clever and so so dumb

The Handmaiden (in Japanese and Korean, but has english subtitles)

- incredible and intense historical drama, the love story is between two women who are also the main characters

Love, Simon

- coming-out rom-com, same category as alex strangelove. how nice it is to see a dumb, sweet and gay movie plot

Please Like Me

- australian sitcom detailing the life of a young man coming to terms with being gay, his dating life, family, friends etc.. sounds basic but it’s different from anything i’ve ever seen, the characters feel real in a different way and watching it, it truly feels like a slice of life as it, plotwise, doesn’t follow a conventional outline

Queer Eye

- obvisouly most people know this already. five gays makeover people’s lives. interesting and funny and great i love it

SKAM (in Norwegian, but can be found with english subtitles)

- same authenticity as druck, as SKAM obviously is the original. season three is a beautiful, gay love story, but the love interest is not trans in this original version of the season

Music:

The 1975

- loving someone is the one that i’ll get gay about, but they make amazing music all the time and matthew healy is such an interesting person 

Benny

- i remember exactly where i was when i first heard little game back in ‘14, and it still resonates with me today

George Michael

- i don’t think i’ll ever tire of even his most over-played songs

Hozier

- take me to church is such an iconic song with such a powerful video that it brings gay tears to my eyes every time i see it. and hozier’s discography is so so tender in general

MIKA

- the dancing around in your living room, screaming along kind of music, amazing voice, lovely person

Panic! At The Disco

- i adore panic! and the power vibes are only intensified because brendon urie is pan. that’s how it works my friends

Queen

- of course, so much great music to even begin to mention it all. hits you right where it should

Sam Smith 

- just beautiful, HIM especially is haunting imo

St. Vincent

- intense, sharp, lovely edge, and clark herself is a wlw

Troye Sivan

- the blue neighbourhood trilogy of videos were amazing, but all of his music has that pure feeling imo, it’s soft but it hits you, i love him and his music

Books:

“Call Me By Your Name” by André Aciman

- as with the movie, i know some people find it uncomfortable or straight up unethical. i don’t, and the story absolutely catches me. i think it’s beautiful, and it’s beautifully written too. i full on understand why some people want to avoid it,  but i believe that depiction does not equal endorsement, and honestly think this is brilliant

“Crush” by Richard Siken

- a collection of poems dealing with themes of desperation and panic as siken explores being gay and falling in love. it’s beautifully written and my all time favourite book

“The Picture of Dorian Gray” by Oscar Wilde

- actually not explicitally gay but i’ll let it slide because it’s clearly there between the lines and wilde himself was gay. beautiful tale of narcissism, hedonism and self-ruin

Podcasts:

Alice Isn’t Dead

- fiction podcast made by the same people who make welcome to night vale. main character and voice of the show is a lesbian, surreal plot, can be pretty scary at times imo, in a good way

Vild Med Svans (in danish)

- two gay men talk about various elements of our culture form a gay pov, and goes into depth with the homo-scene in denmark as well. all in danish though

Welcome to Night Vale

- funny and surreal fiction podcast, where the main character and voice of the show is a gay man

Social media:

Andrean Sigurgeirsson (dancer)

insta

Brian Jordan Alvarez (youtuber, actor, filmmaker) 

youtube

Daniel Howell (youtuber)

youtube | insta

Eugene Lee Yang (youtuber, dancer)

youtube | insta

Jack Samrawi (dancer)

insta

Macdoesit (youtuber)

youtube

I’m aware that there’s a lot of queer content that didn’t make it on here, but I didn’t want to mention anything that I haven’t watched/listened to/read myself  :)

If anyone decides to do their own list of recommendations, I would love to be tagged in it though! 

Happy pride everyone <3

[paulisweeabootrash]

Retrospective Review: Rewatching Azumanga Daioh as an Adult

This may seem hard to believe if you are a younger reader or one who got into anime only recently, but there was once a time when recommendations spread by word of mouth, it was absolutely commonplace for anime seasons to last longer than 13 episodes, and the vocabulary of the anime fandom wasn’t nearly as full of internet-originated in-jokes.  A time when the internet-savvy congregated on forums dedicated to specific topics instead of social networking sites, and the imageboards that generate so much of the internet meme landscape were just starting to take off among lonely nerds as an obscure haven for perverts, racists, and assholes instead of the role they have today as… uh… well... a well-known haven for perverts, racists, and assholes.  A time when there was no such term as “weeaboo trash” because that Perry Bible Fellowship comic hadn’t been published yet, let alone used for that meaning.  It wasn’t some golden age, but it was different, and today I’m taking a self-indulgent trip back to the end of that period, when I was in high school in the mid-2000s.

Azumanga Daioh (2002).

1. Why is this show important to me?

My introduction to anime consisted mostly of Pokémon and Sailor Moon, and took off with scattered episodes of several other shows that aired on WB and Cartoon Network, which were generally driven by action and combat.  I can’t remember the circumstances or even who did it, but someone who owned, or perhaps pirated, a copy of Azumanga Daioh must have shown me a few episodes at some point.

Here was a show that had been on the leading edge of the moe trend a few years earlier, and although certainly available, such things were not yet common.  Moe has, of course, taken over a large chunk of anime since, to mixed reception since it can range from innocently delightful to extraordinarily creepy.  Azumanga is close to the innocent end of the spectrum, and absolutely delightful (as, BTW, is the author’s current ongoing manga series Yotsuba&!), with a softer, cuter art style than I was accustomed to and instantly-lovable characters.

It was clearly in a different genre and had a different sensibility about how to make a show, too.  It had few repeated or filler elements, unlike any of the shows following the “monster of the week” formula.  It was broken up into several vignettes per episode — a practice that I was familiar with from the format of many Nicktoons, but while American shows with that format told multiple self-contained stories, the short segments here were typically parts of larger episode-long stories, often focusing on different parts of the same event or different anecdotes about the same character.  It showed us, the foreign audience, something about life in Japan, and at least for me was the first time I’d heard of distinctly Japanese school practices like applications for public high schools, students cleaning classrooms, or the particular kinds of seasonal festivals they have.  It lacked story arcs driven by overcoming some enemy and instead was driven by character relationships themselves and the instantly-relatable experience of school.  It was an encounter with something utterly different — and it made an excellent first impression.

Eventually, I bought a copy of the complete series of the manga it’s based on.  Azumanga Daioh was originally, well, a manga, written by Azuma Kiyohiko and originally published in the form of a 4-panel comic strip that ran in the magazine Dengeki Daioh.  See, it’s Azuma’s manga in Dengeki Daioh.  Azuma manga, Dengeki Daioh.  Azumanga Daioh.  Ha.  Clever.  Anyway, in there, I encountered largely the same characters and interactions, a mix of believable school life and quick gags, just presented in a different format.  I eventually got the DVD box set of the show, too, and I’ve rewatched a few favorite episodes several times, but this review is the first time I’ve revisited the whole series in years.

2. Who are all these people?

Rather than focusing on a small core friend group like Three Leaves, Three Colors, another much more recent adorable high school slice-of-life I greatly enjoy (and should maybe review?), Azumanga has a pretty large ensemble.  Most of them are students and the “story arc” such as it is follows them through three years, from entering to graduating from high school, over a single 26-episode season.  So rather than cover a plot synopsis, I think it would make more sense to dive into specific characters and their relationships.  The show its at its funniest and sweetest with the dynamics of certain combinations of the main characters, and there are a lot of combinations available.  Covering all of the recurring named characters approximately in the order we meet them (except a few characters who show up only in an episode or two each and another classmate named Chihiro who shows up on the periphery as a friend of Kaorin), let’s look at the relationships that stand out:

Yukari and Nyamo: Yukari Tanizaki, the English teacher who is the homeroom teacher to most of the cast, is unprofessional and insensitive from the first moment we see her, traits which are elaborated in later episodes into a sort of impulsive over-the-top-ness that clashes with the fact that she actually is a pretty good teacher.  Emphasizing her less-serious attitude, students even refer to or address her by her given name (although the subtitles exaggerate this a bit by consistently calling her “Miss Yukari” when she’s usually just addressed as “teacher”).  Minamo Kurasawa, the gym teacher, is a long-time friend of Yukari.  She and Yukari (who calls her “Nyamo”) were even classmates at the same high school they currently teach at.  In addition to being central to the gym class/sports-related episodes, she’s also Yukari’s more caring, approachable, and professional foil, which sets up interactions where Nyamo tries to be helpful and manage situations in the face of Yukari being antagonistic (and, outside of school hours, drunk) towards her and the students.  Yukari in particular prods at Nyamo’s sore spots: being single and having done embarrassing things in high school.

Tomo and Yomi: Tomo Takino is 100% genki girl.  I mean, come on, she’s the illustration for the TV Tropes article by that name.  She’s not only enthusiastic, but loud, intrusive, and pointlessly competitive to the point of being just plain mean.  She’s the kind of person who might mature into a less competent Yukari if she burnt out a bit.  Koyomi Mizuhara, on the other hand, is much more serious and self-conscious, and although she still genuinely is Tomo’s friend and goes along with some of her silliness, she barely puts up with Tomo’s teasing and flurry of bad ideas.  She is the Nyamo to Tomo’s Yukari, complete with Tomo enforcing a nickname on her, so she’s almost always called “Yomi” throughout.  Yomi is much more considerate than Tomo, too.  This often comes out in Yomi scolding Tomo’s insensitivity, but it’s also seen less directly when they are giving Chiyo (more on her below) birthday presents — Tomo offers first a joke that doesn’t go over well, then a magic wand she apparently expects Chiyo to believe will make her grow taller, which Chiyo dismisses, while Yomi offers a book which Chiyo enthusiastically accepts and says she expects to enjoy.

Osaka, Tomo, and Kagura: Ayumu Kasuga is a distractible and soft-spoken transfer student from Osaka whom Yukari, Tomo, and Yomi pester with misinformed questions and assumptions about her home city.  Tomo, naturally, saddles her with the nickname “Osaka” as if that is her entire identity.  The nickname quickly catches on, with even Yukari calling her that instead of her actual name in class.  She is accepted as a friend by the other students who still consider her eccentric and baffling, but not annoying or embarrassing like you might expect.  (In fact, the other girls react more and more to Tomo as the annoying and embarrassing one.)  During the second year of school,  she bonds with Tomo and Kagura (introduced as a star athlete from Nyamo’s homeroom during the first year, she becomes a major character in the second year) over their similar incredible forgetfulness and poor academics.  Yomi calls them “bonkura”, translated as “knuckleheads”, and the three of them adopt the name for themselves as they study together — an idea which is doomed from the outset.  The three of them together, or any two of them, play off each other wonderfully.

Chiyo and Osaka: Chiyo Mihama, a child prodigy who is only 10 years old at the beginning of the series, is so academically gifted it can upset and embarrass her classmates, but on the other hand is naive, and not just because she’s a child.  She is in fact clueless about the outside world.  She fails in the first summer break trip (ep. 5) to understand that the other characters’ families are nowhere near as rich as hers, and in the second summer break (ep. 14), even after a year and a half of being around high schoolers, she entirely fails to understand Nyamo’s off-screen explanation of “adult relationships” (kids innocently being oblivious to what sex is seems to be a common basis for jokes in Japanese media).  Chiyo being five years younger than her classmates — and on the other side of puberty from them — also makes her lag far behind them in athletics.  On the one hand, this makes her very self-conscious and afraid of being a burden on her classmates in team activities, and on the other, it sets up a running gag of Chiyo and Osaka teaming up to be by far the worst pair of athletes across the board.  Oh, and Osaka’s dream about Chiyo’s pigtails in the New Year’s episode is one of the weirdest and most authentically dreamlike dream sequences I’ve ever seen.  Although maybe that just says more about my own dreams than about the show.

Sakaki and Nobody (or, Multiple Kinds of Unrequited Feelings): Sakaki is considered effortlessly cool and somewhat intimidating — Kagura calls her a “silent lone wolf” — but she’s not big on that reputation.  Students openly admire her, especially for her athletic talent, and treat her with distance and respect by almost universally calling her “Miss Sakaki” (since this is apparently her family name, not given name).  She does not enjoy this treatment, but is also too private (and perhaps too insecure) to complain about or discuss it.  She is indifferent to sports despite excelling at them, and doesn’t even recognize Kagura when she proclaims herself Sakaki’s rival, presumably because the first-year sports festival just didn’t stick out in her memory the way it did in Kagura’s.  Despite calling it rivalry, however, Kagura quickly inserts herself into Sakaki’s life in a friendship that Sakaki responds to more with quiet tolerance than reciprocation.

Kaorin, meanwhile, mistakes Kagura’s one-sided friendly rivalry for a very different kind of attention, and accordingly treats her one-sidedly as a romantic rival (although she does eventually calm down about it).  Kaori (family name not mentioned), usually addressed by the more affectionate “Kaorin”, is shown at first to ambiguously admire Sakaki, but it quickly becomes clear that she is infatuated with her.  And, despite the insistence of many fanfic writers since, Sakaki never catches on to this, even with Kaorin gazing dreamily at her while dancing with her, or clinging to her arm while posing for a picture together.  I'm sure, given how over-the-top she is, that Kaorin’s unrequited feelings are supposed to be funny, but I find it sweet and sad and end up rooting for her.

Sakaki and Cute Animals: Sakaki is not unfriendly, or even very socially inept, though.  She gets along well with the main cast, especially Chiyo.  But she is aloof, not just because of shyness but because she has a secret love of all things cute, especially cats and dogs, and gets caught up in her own thoughts about cute things.  Although she loves animals, they don’t necessarily love her back.  There is a series-spanning running gag with a cat in the neighborhood whom she repeatedly tries to pet, no matter how many times it bites her for doing so.  In fact, in that very same episode where Kagura declares her rivalry, the strongest emotional reactions we see from Sakaki are horror directed at Kagura for scaring that cat away and, later, being moved to tears by a story she’s constructing in her head about another cat while Kagura is trying to talk to her.  Sakaki’s thoughts on cute animals also yield a second running gag: "Chiyo's dad".  An orange cat-like doll (evidently some kind of character or mascot in-universe?) that appears numerous times in the background early in the show appears in Sakaki’s New Year’s dream and introduces himself to her as Chiyo’s father, so Sakaki refers to the doll as “Chiyo’s dad” for the rest of the series without explanation, much to the confusion of the other characters.  While he’s an inanimate object in the background before the dream, afterwards he appears as alive and magical, sometimes in Sakaki’s imagination and sometimes intruding into the real world as short transition clips between scenes.

Kimura vs. Everyone (mostly Kaorin): Last and certainly least, let’s consider Mr. Kimura, the literature teacher.  Within a minute of the first time we the audience see him, Tomo asks him why he became a teacher and he blurts out that it’s because he likes high school girls.  Which a group of creepy boys in the class call “brave”.  Ugh.  This presages chronic inappropriateness of varying levels from Kimura — from unsolicited suggestions for cheerleading uniforms to hanging out during gym class to watch the girls swim to heaping unwanted “favors” on Kaorin, to whom he is obviously attracted.  Beyond the increasing variety of his inappropriateness, he doesn’t really develop as a character.  He is, interestingly, shown as an otherwise decent person outside of school, but this is not portrayed as excusing him.  Rather, it’s made clear that his creepiness is contextual, and his role throughout the series is consistently as a grotesque comic relief, not a sympathetic character.  Kaorin even consciously tries to improve her opinion of Kimura because his wife is so nice, leading her to believe that this means Kimura himself must have good points to deserve someone like that, only to be immediately shown otherwise.  We the audience are laughing at him, not with him, and at some points are genuinely upset at him on the girls’ behalf.  Or at least, I hope that’s how the rest of the audience takes him.

3. Yeah, but there's some kind of progression, right, even if it's not really a story arc?

Again, it's not the kind of show that has an overarching goal or conflict.  The goal, such as it is, is the characters' graduation from high school.  The topic of what they'll each do after graduating comes up several times, as you might expect, but isn't that much of a plot point.  Not all of the main characters even have clear plans laid out that we know of, but the plans we do know about match their established personalities well.  Tomo changes her mind repeatedly between several half-baked ideas.  Osaka decides at the last minute to try to become a teacher based on Chiyo straining to think of something fitting Osaka's... unique way of looking at things.  Chiyo is perhaps overconfident, planning to study abroad in America despite being only 13 when she graduates.  Sakaki anonymously showed interest in veterinary school early on, but didn't discuss it with her friends until much later, after she started showing her weakness for cuteness in front of them.

The main progression that happens is some evolution in the characters' relationships and attitudes.  There is of course the progression from strangers to friends among the main cast, but also some character development growing out of things that started as gags.  Osaka, for example, begins as the butt monkey of the class, but by the end of the first year, she is very well accepted by her classmates, and she even gets along particularly well with Tomo, who was originally shown teasing and stereotyping her the most but has now toned it down a bit.  Nyamo’s miserable singlehood, previously a running joke, leads her to open up to the idea of trying matchmaking instead of dating.  Sakaki becomes more willing to express her love of cute animals in front of the other girls, starting with Chiyo, and her running gag experiences with the hostile cat play out to a resolution when she adopts, of all things, an endangered wildcat which is the only cat that doesn’t bite her, then has a final encounter with the hostile cat where she tries to make amends.  Chiyo's academic talents were met with light irritation and mockery at first, but by the end, her new friends are grateful for her help and rise in applause when she is recognized for her grades during the graduation ceremony.  Kagura relaxes her Tomo-like tendencies more and more, and shows a degree of gratitude and sentimentality towards her new friend group that would’ve been shocking when she was first introduced.  Even Tomo, usually the show's last bastion of immaturity, shows tiny bits of improvement: self-reflection and regret during a serious conversation with Yomi over what American audiences would call "finding your passion", and later leading the applause for Chiyo.  To compare Azumanga to Three Leaves, Three Colors again, it’s true that this show doesn't go into as much depth in character relationships as that one despite running for more than twice the number of episodes, but I don’t think that’s a flaw in Azumanga so much as a combination of Azumanga’s larger main cast, gag comedy focus, and choice of a different “zoom level” on the main cast’s lives.

The show itself evolves a little bit, too.  As it goes on, more episodes have segments that flow together and they contain more references to events in previous episodes.  By the last few episodes, with graduation looming, it almost feels like it has become a conventional plot-driven show.  The shift from shorter to longer segments, shorter to longer jokes, etc., is seamless — and pretty typical of comic strips where perhaps the author hasn’t “figured out” their own characters at the beginning.  Surreal elements also get more common, like the “Chiyo’s dad” running gag and increasingly-elaborate looks into what characters are imagining.  As I recall, these changes reflect the stylistic evolution of the original manga, but... uh... my copy of the manga is with my parents at the moment so I didn’t check myself on that.

4. How is it different in retrospect?

As I said, I first saw this in high school, so I was about the age of the main cast.  Perhaps this was one of the things that made it so enjoyable.  The characters seemed relatable, and I lacked the aversion to depictions of ordinary life that some people had because I didn’t have a particularly negative high school experience despite being decidedly uncool.  (I was, in fact, neither interested in being cool nor in being self-consciously uncool, and was content with the set of people I got along with.  I was never really an angsty teenager so much as a sad one.)  My experience of the show is, if anything, even greater appreciation now.  Some of that difference comes from knowledge and some from aging.

I’ve become a bit less of a poser and/or snob about some things since then.  I’d seen a lot of obviously-atrocious dubs growing up, and they really put me off the idea that anyone actually cared about dubbing into English well.  Since then, I’ve lightened up a bit, partly because it seems like nowadays distributors do a lot less 4Kids-style butchery of shows when they’re translated and partly because I’ve realized that there is plenty of bad Japanese voice acting, too, so sometimes the English version is just plain easier on the ears.  So I’ve watched this mostly in the English dub this time around (some episodes in both to check the different versions of specific jokes) and I really enjoy it.  The voices are character-appropriate and the English lines fit the lip movements better than the original Japanese voice track while only rarely resulting in rhythms and stresses that sound unnatural in English, which really impresses me.

Just from the sort of vocabulary one picks up by being weeaboo trash, I occasionally notice differences in meaning between the dialogue and subtitles when watching the sub version.  And I even picked up on an interesting translation choice for a joke I hadn’t noticed before.  When Yomi tells Osaka that Chiyo is a child prodigy in ep. 2, Osaka responds comparing Chiyo to a boy she knew growing up, resulting in her expressing a different misunderstanding in each version about how the boy was described by adults.  In the English dub, Osaka says something about him “smarting off”, the joke being she thinks that means he’s smart.  In the English subtitles, she says he was “precocious”, to which Yomi says she doesn’t think that meant he was smart by calling him that.  This time around, I finally caught that the Japanese dialogue there clearly uses the phrase “otoko no ko”, insinuating that the boy is a crossdresser and/or gay.  Even though I don’t understand the full Japanese joke, the implication is clearer than it was in English (because I, um, also didn’t think of the double entendre on the word “precocious” until now), as is the degree of the misunderstanding.

I appreciate now how many scenes are psychologically-savvy.  Just in the episode in which the main cast of students move up to their second year of high school, we see two scenes that just click with me as “yes, people do this, and I don’t know why we don’t seem to notice it!”.  I mentioned above Kagura wanting to compete more because of the sports festival while Sakaki thinks nothing of it at all, which hinges on the simple difference in the sports festival having been a memorable event in Kagura’s life but not Sakaki’s.  That episode also features a scene in which Tomo eggs on her classmates to eat their lunches early because it’s a thing that (according to her) second-years do, which sets up Mr. Kimura to arrive the room for literature class, see everyone eating, and therefore assume he must be the one who has the time wrong and go back to the faculty lounge for his own lunch.  This tendency to defer to others in decisions in our own lives, not through peer pressure per se but through assuming that something done commonly or confidently must be correct, is just something I don’t see portrayed or acknowledged much in Japanese or American media.  And I love it.  For those two scenes alone, this is one of my favorite episodes in the whole series.

As far as the characters, I still find the students charming and relatable, and I’m willing to bet that everyone knows someone like most of them in real life.  They fit Japanese character archetypes to a certain extent, but are also developed enough especially in their interactions with each other that they come off as realistic to me.  So they hold up well.  But mainly, I find I have much more appreciation for the teacher characters as an adult.  I can think of times when I’ve been the Yukari in a situation, whether that means being overbearing and inconsiderate when I think I’m being funny or whether it means or digging through a messy desk swearing that I know exactly where something is before creating a landslide.  And I can think of times when I’ve been the Nyamo accidentally antagonizing the Yukari by trying to be helpful.  I even appreciate Kimura, not because I think he’s relatable or a good guy, but because he’s distressingly realistic.  His creepiness comes at the same time as genuine competence and, as far as we are aware, a normal and functional home life.  It is widely-acknowledged yet never stopped by the administration, even though it ranges from unprofessional obnoxiousness to genuinely alarming sexual harassment.  Kimura is unfortunately plausible and all-around frustratingly topical.

Revisiting these characters, I’ve also realized something about myself.  When I first watched this show (and read the manga), I got a serious crush on Osaka.  She would go solidly in the “endearingly pathetic” column if I were to evaluate her that way, and she also reminded me at the time of a few different confidently strange and spacy people I went to high school with.  And then, getting older, I realized…  She’s endlessly distractible by trivial things.  She asks weird hypotheticals and follows odd tangents to other topics.  She often misunderstands people.  She’s hopelessly unathletic and clumsy.  Oh no.  I'm the Osaka of my circle of friends.  So, uh, that’s a thing that happened, and I have no idea what to make of it.

Azumanga is relaxed, wholesome, and hilarious, and its characters and major events are believable even when highly stylized for comedic effect.  When it's not in hyper-simple comedy mode, the art can be downright beautiful.  It’s clearly an artifact of its time given, for example, the lack of cell phones (even basic ones) and persistence of film cameras, but that kind of aging happens to any show.  The situations are still relatable despite not being topical, which makes me think — or at least hope — that this can last well into the future as something new audiences find worth watching.

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W/A/S Scores: 8 / 3? / 3

Weeb: There are lots of little things that will seem odd if you go in believing that Japanese school schedules and activities are the same as American ones, but anime is so saturated with high school comedies nowadays that it is much less weeb now than it was then to expect that background knowledge.  Many non-school things like flower-gazing or the fact that seasonal fairs in Japan have different activities and expected clothing than in American ones will seem distinctly foreign but understandable to a naive audience, while a few episodes might need some looking up to “get” because they expect audience familiarity with things still obscure to most Western audiences, like lucky dreams in the New Year’s episode or the yōkai in the second culture festival episode.  Mostly, familiarity with the conventions of other anime or of Japanese culture will enhance enjoyment but aren’t strictly required to enjoy it.  The art style sometimes shifts for specific gags to a particular style of minimal-movement chibi characters on very simple backgrounds which is more at home in the 4-panel comic world in which Azumanga originated (and in pre-moe-era comedy anime, or at least the few I've seen) than in other manga formats or newer anime, creating an additional small hurdle even for those with different Japanese media exposure.

The show runs into more of a barrier with hard-to-translate jokes than anything else, leaving the viewer the choice between replacement jokes with similar general ideas in the dub vs. the occasional feeling that there should be a joke but you’re not quite getting it in the sub.  One particular joke that they made no attempt to adapt ended up being utter nonsense in both the sub and dub unless you get that "Mr. Yukichi" refers to 19th Century Westernization advocate Fukuzawa Yukichi, who is on the ¥10,000 bill, and I gave the show an entire extra point on the Weeb scale just because I had to look that up.

Ass: Unless you’re Mr. Kimura, probably no “ass” score at all as far as sexualizing the characters, but there is the occasional sexual joke or implication.  Even the obligatory beach episodes aren’t fanservicey in the way or to the degree that a contemporary moe high school show often is.  Probably the single most sexual-looking thing is characters holding their skirts down in the intro, which is tame by comparison to anything released in the last decade.  Kimura, however, does make the show unsuitable for audiences… well… younger than the show’s main cast, probably.

Shit (writing): I have very little problem with the bulk of the content.  I think the show works and the characters are relatable and delightful.  But I do have some gripes about translation, mostly in the dub.  Although I still maintain the dub is unusually good in acting and synchronization, they do take more liberties than I’d like with changing jokes, and the dub and sub both lose some subtlety in how characters address each other, as mentioned before.

On top of that, there are some odd localization choices in the dub.  For example, the way Yukari, their English teacher in the original Japanese, is not portrayed as teaching a foreign language at all in the dub, while still making a big deal of her foreign language skills outside of class, or how characters repeatedly say “taiyaki pastry” in the dub instead of just establishing once for the English-speaking audience that taiyaki is the name of a specific style of pastry and using the name “taiyaki” from then on.  Also, I know this is very small and specific, but I noticed a place in ep. 17 where they inserted a strained pun in the dub where there was intentional awkward silence in the sub, so that’s just… weird.

Shit (other): The animation is often sparse, and although this is usually fine, it does sometimes come off as cheap.  The biggest problem visually is that the DVDs I’m watching have noticeable and pretty frequent combing, which I was able to reduce but not eliminate by fiddling with video player settings.  On the other hand, kudos to the director for hitting a sweet spot on shots that are lingered on or actions that are repeated for “too long” (e.g., Nyamo demonstrating chopstick use, or any of the scenes of Chiyo and Osaka failing at sports, or Osaka trying to wake up Yukari) because they end up hilarious when they could have been tedious.

Oh, and I love the soundtrack.  Some people may also find the frequent use of recorders annoying, but those people are (1) wrong and (2) not writing this blog.  The soundtrack is appropriately lighthearted and/or relaxing.  The opening theme “Soramimi Cake” is catchy and accompanied by an opening credits sequence that decently shows who the main characters are.  But “Raspberry Heaven”, the ending theme… ah… the sequence accompanying it is a beautiful dream and the music is movingly bittersweet for reasons I lack the music theory background to articulate.  Like, this is a really weird example, but it conveys my feelings: have you seen Soylent Green?  You know the scene where Sol is listening to a medley of classical music while he’s being euthanized?  If the last thing I ever heard were “Raspberry Heaven”, I would die totally content.

Content Warning: Kimura.

—–

Stray observations:

- I think Kaorin may have been the first unambiguously gay character I saw in any anime.  Sailor Moon or Cardcaptor Sakura would’ve beaten Azumanga to the punch with representation, but I grew up on the butchered-for-pearl-clutching-audiences versions of those shows.

- Kimura has, incidentally, produced one piece of lasting weeb culture.  While trying to save his illustration for a proposed magical girl cheerleading outfit, he drops a picture of a woman.  Tomo picks it up and wonders out loud who it is.  Kimura responds, in heavily-accented English, “my waifu”.  So… yup.  We have him to thank for the whole waifu/hasubando phenomenon.  Or, well, the terminology, since attraction to fictional characters is probably a phenomenon as old as fiction itself.

- More of a fun fact than a stray observation, Kuricorder Orchestra, who collaborated with Oranges & Lemons on the Azumanga soundtrack, recorded two Yotsuba-inspired concept albums, which are also adorable.  They’re hard to come by in official copies, but I can’t help but notice that nobody seems to be stopping anyone from uploading them to YouTube...

- The background music in the cheerleading scene in ep. 6 is the “Grandpa Polka”, a.k.a. “The Clarinet Polka”, which fans of various other weird geeky media may recognize as the melody for the Candy Mountain song in “Charlie the Unicorn” and/or as the song between “Love Shack” and “Pump Up the Jam” in Weird Al’s medley “Polka Your Eyes Out”.

- My junior high, oddly, did have sports festivals somewhat like those depicted in anime, but I don’t hear much about other American schools doing similar things.

[kichimiangra]

Random thing I occasionally think about that still bugs me # 57811

If I had any say in the behind the scenes of the animated film “Strange Magic” I would have played a few scenes differently.

-While singing and collecting flowers for her corsage thing Marianne accidentally flies into the dark forest where Bog King is overseeing the removal of the Primroses by his minions.  Thinking she’s here to steal the Primrose petal for a love potion he attacks her.  She puts up a decent fight with a stick (showing visually that she could be a great sword fighter if she stopped to hone her skill) but Bog still overpowers her.  In the film Marianne and Bog don’t ever encounter each other until the 40 minute mark.

-Having her pinned to the ground Bog realizes that she was making the corsage thing and she’s wearing a wedding dress and steps away from her, telling her to get up, go to her wedding, and never return to the dark forest or he’ll tear her wings off. (Because he may have banned love like a dick in HIS kingdom but he still has a tiny soft spot and isn’t going to just kill her on her wedding day).  She quickly leaves.

-She encounters Roland and tries to tell him she was just in the dark forest.  While he freaks out about superficial things like how she could have gotten an unattractive scratch she says that after she’s queen she’s going to try and make peace between the two kingdoms because clearly the Bog King isn’t completely unreasonable considering she did trespass yet he let her go.  She mentions an interest in being a warrior queen and Roland takes his sword away and tells her it’ll never come to that because he’ll be king and totally protect her with his awesome army and just ‘Liberate’ the forest from the Bog Kings ‘Tyranny’.  (He means ‘take over’.  There is no way Roland wasn’t looking to be a conqueror. He seemed less bothered about not being a king and more about not getting an army.)

-When the audience is introduced to Dawn and Marianne asks if she thinks Roland loves her and much as she loves him instead of saying “Who wouldn’t love you!  You’re so...Totally... LOVABLE!”  She says “Who wouldn’t love you!  You’re so...totally... DIFFERENT!”  setting up a precedent for Marianne being tomboyish prior to the wedding, and that she just downplays it to be more ‘feminine’ for Roland.  This makes her completely uprooting her so-far-seen on screen ditzy love sick personality to become a badass during “Never fall in love again” look less shallow, as if she is embracing her true nature and hobbies that she suppresses to be a more ‘girly girl’.  As it is without knowing much of Marianne prior to the plot starting it somewhat reads that she was more like Dawn, and Rolands infidelity caused her to reject her previous persona and craft a new badass one out of spite or fear of being hurt again, rather than rejecting a focus on finding and attracting Love and more putting a focus on embracing herself, who she is, and what she likes to do.  Bog likes her for the character that she is for most of the movie but if that ‘character’ is just a persona she made to spite Roland or to ward off other suitors to avoid finding love again and isn’t her ‘true self’ it sadly makes the romance of the Main OTP of the movie look less authentic.  There are a few pre-’Never fall in love again’ hints: Marianne swinging a stick like a sword when talking to Roland, her character model having tattered edges to her wings, etc. but they’re kinda missable.

-Now we can do a short reprise of “can’t help falling in love” duet with Roland.  Not the whole song just like one verse and a chorus. Keep it short.

-We now see Dawn and Sunny together for the first time.  The conversation is mostly the same but I wish Dawn would give us a better sense of how much time has passed between Mariannes wedding and now.

-Later at the spring ball add a small bit of dialogue from the Fairy King to make it more clear that he has no clue what happened between Marianne and Roland.  He refers to it as the “Misunderstanding” but how much does he know?

-Change the Dialogue between Roland and Sunny.  As it is in the film Sunny was too quick to give into Rolands sweet talk of a love potion.  His first concern after being prompted was that it was a great idea to use a love potion but that only the Sugar Plum Fairy can make them.  If the dialogue was changed to make Roland more convincing like “A love potion?! But... but that love wouldn’t be real...” “What are you TALKING ABOUT?  Of COURSE it will be! Love is about being HAPPY and if a love potion makes her LOVE you then SHE’LL find her ‘Somebody’ and be HAPPY and she’ll love you so YOU’LL be happy!”  LOVE is about making each other HAPPY!”  For someone who is supposed to be Dawns friend he is very quick to think something to take away free will was a good plan to use on her.  He didn’t falter on the idea.  He only truly has regrets after she gets kidnapped by Bog as a RESULT of getting the potion, rather than of using it on her.  He didn’t have much of a character arc.

-Pear?  Pare?  Y’know that big guy?  He joins Sunny later to retrieve the potion from the imp.  Afterwords he pretty much vanishes.  He does really nothing for the story outside of singing a few lines of “Crazy little thing called love” and that’s it.  He is expendable.  Either remove him from the plot or expand his character usage.  Have him be the opposite to Roland in relation to Sunnys character arc.  Whereas Roland says “Go use a love potion!”  Have Pear just be like “So why don’t you just go and tell her you like her?”  Have Pear be this older married guy who tries to give Sunny love advice and Sunny being this young guy is like “You just don’t get it Pear.  No offense man but you married an elf who runs a bakery.  I’m in love with a FAIRY PRINCESS!  She’ll never see anything like that in me. She’s way out of my league!” “Relationships are built on trust Sunny... maaaaybe using a love potion is a little.... distrustful?”

-The imp was a big deal for a little while.  It’s only motivation seems to be using the love potion on people and then when caught is done with that and joins Sunnys party.  It’s a plot device and nothing else.  It could be downgraded in importance to the plot and lose basically nothing.  Change how the love potion gets lost and it just happens to bounce around the wilderness dusting people randomly before hitting the ground.  Sunny and Pear go looking for it and fined it pretty easily, but the imp shows for maybe the first time and takes it and runs.  They chase and collect randomly dusted animals like the large lizard and a few others before the imp ends up dusting himself and joins the party of funny animals, Sunny and Pear.  Maybe keep his role as Sunnys guide to Sugar Plum but then let him fall back.

-Sugar Plum Fairy. Why does she look like a little ghost and not a Fairy?  I mean I know that in the Ye Olde days Fairy was an umbrella term for like.... basically every fantasy creature but this narrative has set up that Elves are little people, Fairies have moth/butterfly wings, and the things in the Dark forest are Goblins.  Why does the Sugar Plum Fairy look like a ghost?  Maybe keep her base design but change it so that she follows the same standard set by other fairies? Like with legs? I don’t hate it it just pulls me out of the story to wonder why she’s the only one who looks like that?

-At the Elf dance Bog shows up to retrieve the potion and takes Dawn captive as a bargaining chip.  Marianne and the King are immediately held down during the song “Mistreated”.  As much as I don’t doubt that the larger goblins could effectively hold a Fairy Marianne's size down, she is supposed to be sorta a badass swords woman who can go toe to toe against Bog himself.  I’m not asking her to be able to easily break out of the Goblins hold, but maybe have a little fight choreography during the song.  Marianne tries to fly to Dawns rescue but the goblins on Dragon flies keep knocking into her, keeping her low and making it a no fly zone.  She has to fight her way on foot to the stage and does well right up until she gets Flanked by the large goblins and held down screaming for the return of her sister.  Bog notices her and nochalantly asks uf they’ve met (Referencing the earlier change of them meeting on the wedding day).  The rest of the scene plays out normally.

-Marianne enters the forest to go after Dawn.  She sees some spooky stuff.  Could be done Spookier though.  The ferns that unravel could get her tangled like they’re reaching to grab her.  The spider web she could get caught in for a moment and the sight of the spider scare her enough to struggle out.  Just more visual scary stuff could be done.

-”I’m coming Straight on for you” that Tazmanian devil bullshit in the choreography.  Make it stop and actually animate them fighting instead of spinning around.

-Dawn knows something about love and wants to sing about it..... despite the fact she’s spent a huge chunk of the movie dusted and the other chunk of the movie not knowing who she liked.  Also Sunny didn’t earn the conclusion to his story arc. At least that’s my opinion.

-That Kaleidoscope thing at the end of “Wild Thing”.  It just felt like something weird to go out on.

-I wish I knew more about this world created for the movie because there was some elf racism coming from the Fairy King at the end there. Like Marianne and Bog are shocking but A-OK, but Sunny and Dawn are faint worthy.  I know I just said Sunny didn’t earn his ending and the King has every right to be like “THAT GUY STARTED THIS WHOLE MESS NOOOOOO!!!!?!?!” But he didn’t say “Sunny!?!?”  he didn’t say “The elf?!”  He said “An Elf?!”