#yes i do have a hyperfocus in psychology

[dianartemiss]

as a person who was also abused and neglected in a financially secure family situation (though on a much smaller scale) and assuming that he was also interested in crime and psychology (because Batman)... I think Tim would know that he was abused?

I knew. as soon as I had words for child abuse and neglect, I knew. and before that I understood that how I lived wasn't good or nice and the fault was on my parents, not me. It's not a matter of loving your parents either because I love both my parents even now, nearly 10 years after going no contact with my mom.

Tim is also smart as fuck and the parents are not always as smart as their gifted kid. if that imbalance existed with their family, it would have been even more clear to Tim that his parents were abusive.

all this said, knowing that you're a victim of child abuse doesn't help you when you're still a child (unless you have extended family that is genuinely reliable and trustworthy). you're not going to report them to anyone because you love them and don't want to be without them, even if they mistreat you. you've probably already heard bad things about being in the system and foster care, so you're scared of what could happen. more than that you have no idea what will happen, and that's scary. often with neglect or emotional abuse, you rationalize that it could be worse. multiply that if your basic needs like food and shelter are well taken care of. abusers are often not doing well themselves and a smart, empathetic kid will see that and because it's their family, will likely feel a sense of duty toward their parent. or they've been gaslit into thinking that their parent needs them.

so Tim Drake, smart as hell and knowing too much about crime, almost certainly knows he abused. but knowing doesn't change anything because he loves his parents and has an intense as hell sense of duty.

(and this isn't me saying that fic or headcanons with him in denial or not understanding is bad or wrong in any way, but my personal headcanon based on experience)

[ablizmal]

the symbolism in the “L: change the world” photoshoot

(also some L childhood headcanons) (TW for dehumanization)

OKAY so i finally got around to finding a download of the “L: change the world” photoshoot, and not only is it extremely professional, but just… i feel like they really understood L’s character, because there’s so much symbolism in some of these photos, man.

like this?

i know exactly what this means just from looking at it.

now obviously, this is all up to speculation, but… here’s my take on this photo.

to start this off, i do believe that L genuinely likes solving cases. i believe it’s one of the only things in the world that engages his mind and keeps him from being depressed and listless 100% of the time.

but if i want to be angsty about it… do you think L is imprisoned, in a sense, to solving cases? cause like even if he couldn’t handle it anymore (he COULD. in character he could, i’m just saying the following as a realism hypothetical), he couldn’t just... stop.

yes, he has successors. but i headcanon that he didn’t form that program— that was all watari. the building for that orphanage is named “the wammy’s house,” after all. whatever watari did, whatever tactics, intimidation, and pressure he put on L to “hone” his detective skills… L doesn’t want another kid to go through that.

but they are.

and he’s too much of a coward to put an end to it.

and yes, i know, i KNOW that it’s hinted at in-series that no terrible shit happens at the wammy’s house. but have you SEEN this part of the “how to read” guidebook???

watari raises kids as detectives. for fun.

for fun.

i do NOT trust this man to be around kids, much less to raise one! he for sure abuses children, whether psychologically or physically (but like… in an old man way, like slapping a ruler against a kid’s wrist for a mistake).

for him to qualify as “cultivating kids as detectives,” i can easily imagine him putting child L through rigorous (not to mention relentless) training, to sharpen the mind. like HOURS of training, nonstop.

i think canonically (even if it’s not confirmed), L tends to sits motionlessly in rooms while doing cases due to hyperfocus. but then my brother pitched this one idea and it’s fucked me up.

“what if watari didn’t give L a chair to sit in while he was training him for hours? because as a kid, when he was sitting in his room, there wasn’t a single chair… what if L now sits like that all the time because he got used to it?”

.

bruh. D:

ANYWAYS, back on topic!!!

so watari is a wholly terrible person who put a child (L) through terrible mental exercises, right? right, that’s the headcanon we’re going with.

L is just an experiment. that’s ALL he is to watari, really. L is his most perfected invention. L has so much TRAUMA from the way watari “““raised””” him that his brain’s repressed ALL THE EVENTS. you know?? the conditioning is still hardwired into his system brain. his brain. but he doesn’t remember anything else from his childhood.

but whatever happened, L has a feeling that it was bad.

soooooooo, L is now “trapped” in his occupation, shackles of guilt and obligation holding him in place. he doesn’t want another person to hold an existence similar to his current one. he didn’t want that, he wasn’t aware of the creation of the wammy’s house, but it happened, and it’s all because he exists. additionally, he can’t just quit being L, the world’s greatest detective, because then who will solve these cases? who will serve justice to the lowest of the low in the world? (tbh a parallel to light and his resolve to become kira 🫢)

so L being arranged with a dark blue fish, of all things, for the photo (DARK BLUE. THE SAME EXACT FUCKING COLOR AS HIS INTERNAL MONOLOGUE LIGHTING, AAAAAAAAA) holds so much depth. deep down, he feels empathy for it. he understands. it’s not right. it’s not fair. but this is its purpose in this world— to sit still for the benefit of others who hold more power over it and its fate. what else can it truly do?

so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

what a haunting image.

(as an aside, watari can be a character with such depth and limitless voids of depravity. follow my blog @fuckyouwatari for more hate posts of this decrepit man, but also i’m making up the headcanons that make me hate him so much lmao. join the “all my homies HATE watari” fanclub today!~ :D)

[tales-from-nocturnaliss]

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2023 - Day 9

If you wanna participate, check out @birdofmay's blog or click through this link!

9 April: Did an interest ever turn into an "obsession" for you? If not, do you regularly experience hyperfocus when you engage in your special interest? If nothing applies, tell us about your longest interest, no matter if it's a special interest or not!

I think it's fair to say that psychology and emotions have become absolute obsessions of mine, and that this obsession explains why I'm good at something I've been told by experts autistics tend not to be: recognizing emotions in others, body language, facial expressions. When my one NT friend calls me, by her tone alone I can tell if something's up. Through a screen, I can tell if someone's not their usual self. I read something about hyper-empathy yesterday and about mirroring and it feels like one explanation, while the other is just that emotions are my obsession and that, in a way, people displaying them are research material for my stories. I find myself paying attention to faces and feelings in movies and shows (moreso than irl because screen-people can't stare back <<), absorbing, imagining, perceiving, tying it to personal experiences to better understand them, and one day surely using the stored information for my stories - unwittingly.

Two decades ago, I started building my fractured sense of self through roleplay characters. They displayed emotions that sometimes were mine, sometimes not at all. And I loved it so damn much. This exploration in their minds and reasons for being. Figuring them out led to me figuring myself out. And it's fair to say I'm obsessed with my oldest characters, and I've even evolved to be more like some of them.

... I could talk forever about this topic. XD; ahem. Yes to obsession!

[theladyrebecca2]

Struggling with your mental health does not make you a monster.

I’m known you for a long time now, and I know you’re a good person. You’re sweet and you’re passionate and you’re absolutely frickin hilarious. I love you a whole damn lot.

You’ve recently gained a new hyperfocus, and found it hard to balance that with maintaining some of your friendships. Is this a monstrous thing to do? Absolutely not.

The fact that you’re A) aware of your mental health struggles in the first place, and B) make efforts to combat your symptoms and balance your time for the most important people in your life (in particular your child) means a great deal.

Over the last two months you’ve sent me random ST/Byler edits and memes, knowing I will appreciate them immensely, all the while being deep within your own hyperfixation. The level of gratitude and appreciation I have for when you do that? Off the bloody charts, mate.

Whether it’s a half an hour catch up every few weeks, or just a few minutes of mutual giggling over something random, the fact is you take the time to check in with me and share some laughs, even though your brain is deep in the throes of your own hyperfixation.

And I try to do the same for you too (arguably I’m even worse at this.)

As a fellow ND, I understand that even taking those few minutes out of your day can feel like a great effort some days. And I know it’s got absolutely nothing to do with me or our friendship. It’s how your brain works! Mine too! *high fives whilst mutually grumbling because yes this can be debilitating and difficult*

And look, if things are getting really out of control, there are ways to try and combat a hyperfixation. Sometimes yeah, some work needs to be done. But that does not mean you’re at fault. There’s never negative intent involved. A breakdown of a friendship or a forgotten responsibility is almost always a complete accident.

Which brings me to another important point: you’re only ever half of a relationship. The other party has their own responsibility to be patient and understanding, especially if they’re already aware that you have ADHD.

The symptoms of my mental illness may cause me to behave in a way that, sometimes, negatively impacts others. That’s part of the gig. But I’m surrounded by a patient and understanding support circle (you included), so there’s harmony 95% of the time, which is more than I ever thought possible as an undiagnosed young AuDHD teen.

Idk if these are helpful but I’ve looked at the top two before apparently because the links were grey lol:

Whilst it’s important not to let non-reality get in the way of anything truly important, it’s just as vital for your support circle to educate themselves on this and understand it better. It’s no picnic. It’s a real thing. And most of the time, it’s fun and light-hearted and something you should allow yourself to be passionate about. You’re allowed to take time to yourself for however long you need. You’re allowed to make the decision to interact with someone once a week instead of once a day.

YOU’RE ALLOWED TO HAVE BOUNDARIES.

If a person cannot handle this and creates a lot of negativity over the way your brain functions, despite actual effort and apology being made, that’s on them.

My time online is enriched by having your friendship in my life, and I know you’ll have several other friends who can say the same. My advice is to take some time for yourself and your family, and stay offline for a week or two. I promise you this will pass. I promise you you’re seen and loved and appreciated.

And here’s to the next mutual hyperfixation we find in another year or two, RIP everything else (/hj) 🥂

|| I think it would be best if nobody wanted to be friends with me.

Not because of you. Because of me.

I'm mentally ill - I usually tell people I have ADHD and that I'm probably on the autism spectrum, too (it's obvious if you poke around on this blog). I'm struggling with depression and anxiety (both caused by ADHD).

I am hilariously unstable. I survive on medication and meditation techniques.

So on Friday I learned from someone again that I am a horrible person and a shit friend. That I don't worth the trouble to keep in touch with.

I don't deserve anyone because everyone deserves better than me.

I am genuinely sorry that I am this fucked up. I'm sorry I can't help myself, I'm sorry I enjoy things that seem weird to others.

I'm sorry I'm a monster.

I've lost all motivation to do and enjoy anything.

And it isn't your fault, it's mine.

Maybe it'd be better for everyone if I just disappeared.

[hellafluff]

Someone give Floyd some goddamn Ritalin please

[gh0st-patr0l]

ADHD in DSMP

So about a week back, I made a post about Karl Jacobs (a bit of a passive aggressive one, I’ll admit, but I think it was justified), complaining that a lot of the ‘criticism’ I see about Karl is actually rather insensitive towards his ADHD. I got a lot of responses to that post, and the most common sources of confusion I saw were:

People not understanding what I was saying they should avoid being judgmental of, or-

People who didn’t know that Karl had ADHD or didn’t understand which behaviors were caused by it.

First of all, Karl has confirmed that he has ADHD.

(NOTE: Yes, I know he said ADD. ADD and ADHD used to be categorized as separate disorders, but in the most recent edition of the DSM, it was decided that they are both simply subtypes of the same disorder- ADHD is the correct technical term. ADD is still sometimes used as shorthand by some practitioners to diagnose primarily-inattentive ADHD, but it's a bit outdated.)

Secondly, that original post made me realize that a lot of people who may be well-meaning may genuinely not fully understand ADHD and its symptoms as well as they want to or think they might. If you aren’t aware, Karl isn’t the only one in the DSMP with ADHD- to my understanding, both Technoblade and Dream have confirmed that they have it as well. So, I thought it would be helpful to put together a comprehensive crash-course on ADHD symptoms and how they effect people’s behavior!

Now, before we go further, I want to address something- as I said earlier, I saw some people unsure of whether certain behaviors are ADHD or “just his personality”. I feel the need to point this out above the read more so people will see it. To answer this question, as someone with ADHD;

A lot of times, it’s both. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder, meaning that it’s caused by the way your brain developed from birth. A lot of the symptoms and effects of ADHD are extremely influential towards the way we think, act, and behave, to the point where “symptoms” and “normal behavior” really don’t have a clean differentiation. This is why it’s technically classified as a ‘disorder’, instead of an illness. While certain aspects of it can require treatment, the condition itself as a whole is not something to be mitigated or eliminated- it’s a part of who we are as a person. This is also why sometimes, even if you don’t have ADHD, you’ll look at certain specific behaviors or experiences and go “Oh, but I do that too!”. A lot of ADHD ‘symptoms’ are just a bunch of normal traits or behaviors, but in combination with each other and some actually problematic aspects, form the appearance of the disorder.

So, what are you allowed to nitpick about it? Well, there’s no real ‘authority’ on this, and even if there was it certainly wouldn’t be me. But if you want my opinion? Nothing.

See, here’s the thing- what I was trying to say when I made that post was not that you can’t be critical of Karl. If you want to say something about his Actions, his Ideals, or the content he creates- sure, go for it, that’s fair. I will agree that there are some very valid and constructive points to be made. But when you post ‘criticism’ about the way he speaks, his interests or preoccupations, his personal behaviors? That’s not criticism. That’s just judging someone.

And you’re allowed to think that stuff! Nobody can control what annoys or bothers them. It doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person. But you don’t need to be vocal about it. You can keep your mean thoughts to yourself. And if you do make posts or communities or whatever about judging someone for things they can’t change about themselves, don’t call it “criticism” or try to morally justify it. It’s not productive or righteous, it’s just rude. Nothing else.

Anyway. Back to Education!

The following will be a descriptive list of visible ADHD behaviors, using Karl’s behavior as examples.

I feel the need to add a disclaimer here- I am not a mental health professional. However! I have ADHD myself, I have taken some psychology courses and done a Lot of research into this stuff, and I’m the daughter of a therapist with access to a DSM. While I’m not an expert, I’d like to think I’m fairly well versed and knowledgeable on at least ADHD. (That being said, if by chance anyone who Is a professional sees this post and notices mistakes, by all means let me know and I’ll fix it!!)

WHAT IS ADHD?

You’re here for the behaviors more than the science, so I’ll keep this short and sweet. ADHD is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (Known in the past as Attention Deficit Disorder). Despite its name, the root problem of ADHD is not in the person’s ability to pay attention, but their brain’s capability to manage itself. In simple terms, people with ADHD have a lot less control over what their brain does and wants. This results in some behavioral differences along with some personal challenges, namely a difficulty with attentiveness and self-discipline.

Now, onto the symptoms!

ATTENTION

This is perhaps the most visible and pervasive of the ADHD symptoms, hence why it’s the namesake. Inattention is a lack of focus and an inability to stay present and occupied with certain tasks or thoughts.

Because ADHD impairs self-management of the brain, people with it have an extremely hard time directing themselves anywhere but where their brain instinctively wants to go. This results in inattentiveness and the easiness of distraction that is often mocked or stereotyped for people with ADHD.

Here are some examples of how Karl can sometimes display his inattentiveness;

When he has an idea that he seems passionate about, only to drop it or switch to something totally different without warning soon after (either forgetting or getting bored of his original idea).

When he sets out to do something like a build, works on it for a short amount of time, and then immediately gives up or gets someone else to do it.

When someone else is talking and he totally zones out. (NOTE: While I wont make a whole section for it because it’s not easily observable, maladaptive (constant and intrusive) daydreaming is a common ADHD symptom as well!)

It’s important to remember that the whole problem with ADHD is that we can’t control when or what we focus on. When someone with ADHD zones out during a conversation or activity, it doesn’t mean they’re doing it on purpose, and they likely don’t mean any offense! We often are trying our best to listen or participate, but our brain just wont cooperate.

However, inattention is not the only way ADHD effects our focus. There’s also what’s called hyperfocus or hyperfixation, which is when we are so absorbed into a single subject, task, or idea that it is extremely difficult to get us to think about or do anything else. This is usually because our brains have found something that is getting those satisfaction chemicals flowing, and it’s clinging to that with everything it’s got.

People with ADHD will often experience brief periods of hyperfocus. Think of how Karl talks about spending hours straight working on a build or project without eating or drinking, or how he’ll sit down to play a game with someone and end up going six hours without even noticing.

There are also hyperfixations, where someone with ADHD becomes extremely preoccupied with a certain subject, topic, etc. for a period of time. These can be short term- personally, my hyperfixation can sometimes change as quickly as a couple weeks at a time. However, it can also be long term. Karl has been obsessed with Survivor since the second grade- not to mention his memorabilia, rambling, and constant references to Kingdom Hearts.

HYPERACTIVITY/STIMMING

This is a BIG one for Karl. I should clarify; ‘stimming’ is not a technical term, and in professional situations these behaviors are just referred to as Hyperactivity. However, I personally like the term stimming much more and find it far more accurate to what the behaviors actually are, so I’ll be using that instead for this post.

If you’re not already familiar, ‘stimming’ (derived from ‘stimulation’) is an unofficial term used to describe consistent and abnormal patterns of physical and vocal behavior typically expressed by people with ADHD and ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). This includes things that people usually call fidgets or tics.

(NOTE: There are differences in how people with those two disorders stim. This post will explain stimming specifically from an ADHD perspective! ASD stimming is caused by very different factors and presents itself in much different ways. Do your own research if you’re curious!) 

There are two major observable forms of stimming- physical and vocal. Karl expresses both VERY often! I’ll use examples for each type;

Physical Stims: Flapping his hands/arms, jumping up and down when he’s excited, twisting around into odd positions in his chair, throwing, hitting, or tapping things, standing up and pacing around when he’s hyped up or laughing, twisting his rings, etc.

Vocal Stims: When he gets excited and repeats a certain phrase incessantly (Think any variation of “I’m popping off”), making certain repetitive noises while he’s focused on something or bored (”la la la”, the meow-noises, the weird heart-beat noise, etc.), singing or humming, tongue clicking.

It should be noted here that it’s pretty common for people with ADHD to get “stuck” on certain phrases or noises, and be unable to stop repeating them (reminiscent of echolalia, a symptom of ASD, but not the same thing). Think of how Karl might sometimes keep making a weird noise for an extended period of time even though it’s not that funny, or that one time he was physically struggling to keep himself from singing the Bakugan theme. These repetitions are completely impulsive and trust me, we usually know how annoying it is while we’re doing it, but we physically cannot stop.

ADHD stims are caused by the fact that the barrier between our brain and body is much weaker than a normal person’s. Because of this, most ADHD stims are actually very positive expressions of joy, excitement, or enthusiasm! Y’know how when you get excited, you feel like you wanna jump or dance? The ‘hyperactivity’ of ADHD is basically just that, but we don’t have the self-control to Not do it.

Stims can be caused by negative feelings like overstimulation, but in ADHD this is not nearly as common. Usually, the most negative reason we’ll stim is when we’re bored- in that case, our brain isn’t getting the Constant Stimulation that it naturally wants, so stimming is a way to make our own.

Whatever the cause, stimming is natural and impulsive. While different people experience it to varying degrees, those who regularly stim typically have little to no control over it. Suppressing stims is very hard and very frustrating to do.

Besides that, like I said- ADHD stims are often an expression of joy, excitement, or enthusiasm. They’re a beautiful thing that shouldn’t be seen as shameful or annoying!

BEHAVIORAL DIFFICULTIES

ADHD is a disorder which causes a lack of self-control. Naturally, this means that people with ADHD are inherently reckless, impulsive, and struggle with a lack of self-discipline that they cannot fix.

Of course, people with ADHD do still have some level of self-control, and they are still responsible for conscious, long-term behavioral patterns and decisions. However, in regards to most things, they are much, much less capable of controlling themselves than an average neurotypical person is.

These are some examples of how this will often present itself in Karl;

Excessive rambling, dragging on a joke or conversation when it could and should probably have been dropped, etc.

Speaking over or interrupting other people (NOTE: As someone with ADHD- THIS IS ALMOST ALWAYS UNINTENTIONAL. I know it can seem rude or annoying but I promise, 90% of the time if someone with ADHD talks over you, they either didn’t realize or physically couldn’t help it. Please try to be patient!)

Lack of awareness towards social cues (NOTE: Unlike ASD, in which the person is incapable of/has problems fully understanding social cues, ADHD results in a lack of awareness. For whatever reason, we’re often just not paying close enough attention to pick up on things like body language, tone of speech, and facial expression as well as we would normally.)

Indecisiveness and overthinking

Bluntness, lack of subtlety

Unintentional dismissiveness, accidentally ignoring things/people (NOTE: Again, this behavior is purely accidental. In this case, it’s usually just the person genuinely not hearing or processing things.)

Making noises, speaking, joking, etc. at inappropriate times

There’s probably more, but I think you get the idea by now. A lot of the time, behavior which results from ADHD can be seen as rude, lazy, dismissive, or otherwise intentionally harmful. In reality, we just aren’t wired to navigate common social interaction with grace.

In Karl’s case, he’s clearly an incredibly sweet, empathetic, and kind-hearted person, if the various close friends who have talked about him are to be believed. Just because he talks over people or makes a poorly timed joke, that doesn’t mean he meant any harm. 

I think that’s about it for how much I wanted to point out! You can do more research if you’re curious, but I feel like this post should be enough to tell you what to keep in mind and be understanding about when talking about/making judgements on Karl, and other people with ADHD.

[dontcallmecarrie]

latest installment of this mess of a thought exercise-turned-AU:

.

There were a lot of things this antithesis of a vacation had stuck everyone with, Ivan knew; he, for one, was going straight to his vodka stash once they got back to their own universe, and that wasn’t even mentioning what the others were going through. After all: while Victor von Doom was allergic to emotional anything, there was no denying a good chunk of his hyperfocus on getting home was in no small part thanks to seeing a world where the Latverian civil war had ended poorly. 

Oh, sure, he hid it well from his minions— because of course the man amassed a following within days if not hours of crash-landing another dimension, goddamn overachievers— but...Ivan knew him, Cabal as a whole knew his tells and that wasn’t mentioning that weird telepathy-thing he and Justin sometimes had going on and so they all knew he was Not Okay even though he pretended otherwise. 

...he wasn’t alone in that respect, thought. Winter had taken to some very introspective silences after his talks with Soldat, and Ivan didn’t have the whole picture there but he knew those two had seen some shit and this mess would’ve probably given any qualified therapist a field day. That wasn’t even mentioning the way Loki and his feral twin tiptoed around each other, and while Justin had tried for some semblance of privacy, everyone had heard his talk with his counterpart and now Ivan and the others had Questions.

But they could unpack that later, once they were out of this weird hellscape.

.

“Hey, Jus— I mean, Hammer,” Winter called over his shoulder, and they turned. 

“Yes?”

“Remember how you said you’d found intel that you wanted to share with me, once I felt ready?”

“What about it?”

Winter sighed, and jabbed a thumb at where Soldat was shifting his weight from one leg to another. “He wants to know.”

They blinked. “You do know that was just for our universe, there might’ve been other changes...”

“I want to know.” Soldat rasped out, clearly only having just gotten the courage to ask, and they nodded in acquiescence.

“Okay. This...is going to take a while, you want some tea while we talk about it? And— Winter, you want to hear this too, or do you want to—”

“I’ll check the perimeter.” Winter said before they could finish their sentence, and flitted away.

“Why—” Soldat frowned after him, and they sighed.

“People heal at their own pace, this aspect’s one where it seems the two of you differ. Well.” They shook their head. “Just as a heads up, if anything gets too much for you, let me know.”

Soldat gave a jerky nod even as he took the proffered mug, and they let out a slow breath.

 “Now, in my universe I’ve been trying to dig up what I could of the Winter Soldier’s past without making waves, and it’s been pretty hit or miss so sorry if I mess something up. Now, the earliest records I could find were from the fifties, but most of the stuff I found was from the sixties onward...”

.

“Is evading SHIELD really this easy?” Justin Hammer asked dubiously, and the man— Victor, apparently— smirked for a moment.

“It is for us. Messing with SHIELD is Ivan’s bread and butter, right after coming up with ideas for giving the Avengers headaches and compared to what I was doing during my country’s last war? This is nothing.”

The more haggard alien god looked at them both. “I still fail to see why you need to break into yet another facility through this means when you could just kill—”

“We don’t do collateral damage.” Victor immediately cut in, gaze suddenly flinty. “For something like this? If they can tell you were there, you failed step one as far as I’m concerned. Besides— I like the challenge. There’s no finesse to killing, orchestrating a break-in to steal the piece of equipment we need without leaving a trace is much more fun.”

“You have a very strange idea of fun.” Loki raised an eyebrow, and he snorted.

“You have no idea. Still less twisted than the psychological warfare your twin has going on with our world’s Avengers, though— pretty sure Stark’s got a permanent twitch every time he hears the start Caramelldansen now.”

.

“Okay, so you have your game plan for when we’re gone?” Hammer asked their counterpart. 

Justin frowned. “I mean, kinda hard to make ‘got kidnapped and held hostage’ sound even worse than it is.”

“I mean, sure, but we can get you way more leverage than that.” 

“...I’m listening.”

“Right— first off, what do you know about HYDRA?”

[resident-sean-expert]

Okay new Lazlo/Nandor theory. I think Laszlo is a hypersensitive person. He said it himself that it took centuries with Nadja to build up his trust in other people again due to his parental truama. Now I won't go into specifics but I'm familiar with how truama affects others [not like the dramatized abelist TV villain guy stereotype] People with PTSD are highly sensitive to emotional changes in others. Laszlo in episode 7 he tells Nandor he feels uncomfortable with the flowery emotions he gives or something like that. I'm paraphrasing. Point is, Nandor is emotionally unpredictable as of late and it could cause Laszlo discomfort. I theorize that he might have started to distance himself from Nandor for that reason. Also, to bring up Colin Robinson, Nandor disregarded his roommates grief when he believed Colin was faking his death again. Its understandable for Nandor to feel skeptic but it doesn't excuse how insensitive he was. Yes, Nandor does seem to show autistic traits, as someone on the spectrum I understand how it feels to be unable to read the room and come across as uncaring or insensitive. Still, Nandor should be accountable for how he spoke to his roommates. To get back on topic, because Nandor has become emotionally unpredictable, Lazlo will avoid him and latch onto more predictable people. People with PTSD actually can hyperfocus and fixate on things because its a safe media. They feel comfortable in songs, shows and situations that they know won't trigger them. I'm pointing this out because I believe Laszlo tends to latch onto people he knows are safe. He knows Nadja and she knows him, he knows she wouldn't do anything to trigger him and she usually understands her intentions and motivations. Sean and Colin are simple, uncomplicated men, generally speaking. The only crime Colin committed, Laszlo says, is that he's dull. He's a calm person he feels comfortable with. Sean is pretty easy going and makes Lazlo feel happy. Remember that Laszlo did not like Sean at first. Initially he felt upset being around Sean because there was alot or drama around his wife and was generally insecure. This made Laz uncomfortable. Fans note that Laszlo only began to show interest and affection towards Sean AFTER he makes amends with his wife and becomes more emotionally predictable.

Laszlo might be avoiding Nandor because he's unpredictable and wishes that wasn't the case because he misses simpler times when he didn't cause so much melodrama and stress. Nandor does not understand why Laszlo doesn't spend time with him anymore and can't understand Laszlo's feelings unless Laszlo tells him. Some more honesty and conversation would be great for them but Laszlo is sensitive and on emotional defense alot and both he Nandor are arrogant and stubborn. They need to swallow their pride and keep talking about it. Verbalize feelings is crucial to any type of relationship and if they can't learn to do this their relationship definitely won't improve.

Did I mention psychology is one of my special interest? 😅

I just woke up & this is the first thing I read

And you drop me a masterclass 🤩

Frankly your analysis is impressive, I never thought of them that way, especially Laszlo being hypersensitive it makes a lot of sense

I'm really happy to have you as a mutual because it makes me appreciate the show even more <3

It's true that in the first few seasons, Nandor seemed like a simpleton, and that the more time goes by, the more complicated he is to predict 😔

Wow I need more Laszlo/Nandor interactions asap

[hanadolphieron]

yujin as a girlfriend~

how you met;

what if... what if...

what if you were high school sweethearts....

and you’ve been together for like YEARS

you tell the story of your relationship all the time

your closest friends are so tired of it

they all know how you used horrible pick-up lines on yujin

and she fell for you despite her mind going “what in the world are you doing yujin stop this now”

you were completely beside yourself

what started as a small crush turned into a full-fledged relationship

but you never had any indecision 

you loved yujin with your whole heart, and that sentiment was returned of course

and the reason this weird start to a relationship worked, was because it wasn’t a wild like “AHHHH I’M SO IN LOVE”

it was a connection built on kindness and happiness :)

the basics;

charisma 

that’s all i have to say

just kidding

but yujin does have a way of making your limbs feel weak and your cheeks heat up

she’s just so intimidating? but in a caring way? she’s just so mystical to the people she loves it’s fascinating

her emotions run deep

don’t ever try to lie to her, it does not work i promise

and it will hurt her trust in you for a long time; yujin’s not the type to forgive and forget

might have random, obsessive fears

like she’ll suddenly be all up in her head because she thinks some part of her is incorrect and she doesn’t like it

it’s hard to explain, but yujin will hyperfocus on a part of herself she deems inefficient

and won’t stop thinking about it until she’s burned that part of herself away

dramatic yes

but it’s how she keeps her mind feeling accomplished and in control

her favorite thing to do is collect random items that remind her of you and then show them to you 

like that is her love language right there

she’s really attracted to emotions, seeing her s/o pour out their feelings to her makes her heart go weeeEEEEEEEE

also this is random, but she would find it endearing and cool if you had a dream about her 

like even if you i don’t know threw a pickle at her because she turned into a stork she’d still be like :0 woah that’s endearing

does not focus on physical attraction much

like she genuinely thinks your mind is the most gorgeous part of you

it’s just how she works

and it might be a concealed issue because physical attraction to her is elusive

she finds it hard to put it into a box and control, something that her mind likes to do

may hide some of her more random, sentimental thoughts until she’s thoroughly processed them

although once she’s alone with you

yujin will be wildly unpredictable with what she says

and she takes pride in that, catching you off guard is fun hehe

headcannons;

since i went into a bunch of psychological stuff in the last section, i think we’ll get into some cute stuff here

her hugs are precious!

they feel comforting and stable, she’s practically mastered the art of a calming and satisfying cuddle

physical affection is the way to her heart, she just can’t resist you clinging to her and wanting to snuggle

i feel like yujin has a thing for cute kisses

not ones that lead to make-outs or anything

but just sweet, messy, giggly kisses

those are her favorite

she’d be the person you imagine things with

like you’ve created an alternate reality that’s just for the two of you

you guys have an inside joke about whenever something good happens you go “is this *name of paradise*?”

no one gets it

which you both like

the power the two of you hold when walking around town

matching outfits are your style

petnames;

-angel-

used by you

so when you tried to flirt with yujin as a cringey high schooler

you did the whole “did you fall from heaven” thing

i’m sorry if i’m making you embarrassed with yourself hehe

and then you started calling yujin angel ironically

and now

it’s a habit and you call her this about 80 times a day

-babe-

used by yujin

i can just see this

i have no logical explanation for this 

babe would be yujin’s natural name for her s/o

it flies out of her mouth whenever she wants to get your attention

[arguably-so]

I only have a bachelors in three related subjects (though I’m applying to higher education programs soon), as well as ASD and ADHD myself, but yes, I can answer this question. (My degrees are in Psychology, Cognitive Science, and Communication Disorders/Sciences [which is a combination of Audiology and Speech Pathology] so I have studied this extensively.)

Special Interests require the general duration of at least 6 months of continued obsessive interest, and do not go away. Yes, this is generally related to how the person views reality, but that particular aspect of SIs is statistically anecdotally agreed upon en masse by the neurodivergent community, and does not yet have research to back it up (mostly because the research is done nearly entirely by neurotypicals, who of course never think of things from our perspective, only from the perspective of how annoying we all are for them to deal with). Generally, people only have one specific, broad topic as a special interest, such as Animation as a whole or vehicles as a general concept, that tend to be related even tangentially to the rest of their interests in anything else. That said, there are people with multiple special interests, and sometimes special interests can be incredibly specific.

Hyperfixation is comparatively short-lived, and focuses on one singular, specified topic. You can be hyperfixated on a new hobby, for instance, and then put it down once the hyperfixation ends and pick up a completely different one later. Different hyperfixations occur regularly, and tend to last days to months, though they can last years. You can have multiple hyperfixations at once. As these tend to be more specific, you’ll have hyperfixations like watercolor paints, door repair, The Owl House, how to use a sander, hamsters, and all of these might be in the same person.

These are the generally accepted understanding of the difference in brain sciences: obsessive interests that are short-lived and specific versus unending and often somewhat broad.

Hyperfocus is just focusing very hard on what you are doing in the moment, with the general inability to realize the world around you. You got really absorbed in this ONE task and you are not snapping back to reality until it’s done. This has nothing to do with hyperfixation or special interests at all, but you can hyperfocus on a hyperfixation or special interest. You can, however, also hyperfocus on cleaning your desk, or finishing this one single drawing, or finishing this essay, etc.

Now here’s the interesting part. ADHD and Autism tend to be relatively common “comorbidities” (meaning that they occur together). What is it like to have Special Interests and Hyperfixations? Well, it’s relatively common for the hyperfixation to then be related to the special interest, just more specific and focused. Taking the broad topic of Animation as a Special Interest, the Hyperfixations tend to be related, such as specific TV shows like Owl House or Ducktales, or a specific studio’s inner workings. If your Special Interest is vehicles, you might find yourself Hyperfixating on Transformers or Thomas the Tank Engine or the Nissan Versa specifically.

That said, the research on this topic is very, very limited. Why, you might ask? Because most research is focused on how poorly we work in neurotypical society. How we think and experience things beyond that is a) hard to consider and b) much less easily observable than our social failures. This is not bias talking, either. Science is purely based on what can be easily observed from the outside perspective, and how that observation is interpreted by the researchers themselves.

(This is bias, but why do you think ADHD is called Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder? Not all people with ADHD have those individual symptoms, and it completely ignores the dopamine deficiency, the built-in anxiety, or any other wildly uncomfortable and life-changing symptom almost all of us have. It’s specifically named after the two symptoms most easily spotted from the outside perspective, and at that, the symptoms that make us most annoying to have in a classroom. But I digress.)

So the tags on my rambling from last night got me curious about the difference between hyperfixation, which I've generally seen mentioned as a symptom of ADHD, and special interest, which I exclusively see referred to as a symptom of Autism. The answer seems to be that there isn't really an agreed-upon answer.

I don't have it in me to comb thru actual scholarly articles via university resources I still have access to, but according to the commercial articles and anecdotal blog posts I could find? It kinda seems like special interests and hyperfixations haven't really been robustly defined by any sort of research, especially not in contrast to each other. Or else such research is being ignored in favor of vague anecdotes, which is frustrating if true. Most everything seemed to rely heavily on anecdote, or else just completely unsourced claims.

I should've kept a list of what I looked at, but I didn't because it was an impulsive, low-effort research attempt. So just keep that in mind, don't take what I say as gospel, and consider poking around yourself.

•••

Anyways, in the stuff I did glance at, hyperfocus seems to be the best researched factor involved here. The article everyone keeps sourcing describes hyperfocus as a phenomenon occurring among adhd, autistic, and schizophrenic people. The articles also seemed to agree that hyperfocus occurs as a consequence of special interest and hyperfixation.

Both hyperfixation and special interests are generally defined as a neurodivergent person focusing on something to the point that it is detrimental to their health and/or social wellbeing. As for what differentiates them, the answers varied a lot. Hyperfixations are generally shorter, and special interests are stereotypically lifelong, but not all special interests HAVE to originate in childhood and they may notnlast forever, and sometimes hyperfixations can last for months or come back throughout a person's life. My point is that "more versus less temporary" IS a differentiating criteria, but it's a pretty vague one.

To be honest my greatest hope was to find some research that determined whether these phenomena come about as a result of different mechanisms. I found no such explanation, besides anecdotal speculation about ADHD's reliance on dopamine-seeking behavior-- which I know is true of ADHD, and I found the speculation plausible, but it sadly wasn't sourced to any kind of medical or psychological study.

I'm sure I could spend a little more time and effort hunting down some such study/studies myself if I wasn't already putting off an obligation to ramble right now. I especially would like to know more about the psychological mechanisms behind special interest, if they're understood, because that's not something I've experienced as solely an ADHD haver. I just wonder if our shared intense interests are relatable on more than a surface level!!!!!! It's very interesting!!!!

[agent-cupcake]

fluff is good, it’s even fun sometimes. but, you know, i think i’ll always enjoy dark content the most. like, no matter how much i insist i have moved past it, my entire career began because i learned the term yandere and realized i’d found my place in the online sphere. but, really, lust and fear have a complimentary relationship. the emotions and sensations they invoke, both physically and mentally, are equally potent and stem from the same place for me. the fluttery sensation in my stomach dances indiscriminately to the tune of disquiet and arousal, excitement stirs itself up within my chest at the mention of being wanted, uncaring if the intent is sadistic or lustful. its a shared theatrical fantasy of fear, catching thrills from simulated danger as we imagine what it is to be in a situation so dire, so intense and frightening, that we cannot help but to hyperfocus on our discomfort. we practice these emotions and engage in these disastrously unhealthy relationships through emulation and the sanitized vessel of the written word, but without any of the emotional price that would be asked of us if it were real.

it’s not real. 

there is nobody lurking behind your window in the gaps between the streetlamps, even if you were to turn off the lights in an attempt to get a better view, but maybe you shouldn’t anyway. there is no face to breathe fog and leave smudged fingerprints on the glass pane while they peer into the internal life you hold sacred, but you should probably keep your blinds shut. there is nobody hiding behind your shower curtain as you stumble half-blind and asleep into the bathroom at two in the morning, but it wouldn’t hurt to check. if you hear a sound, surely you cannot logically attribute it to a malevolent person moving unseen through the secure sanctuary of your home when they assumed you would be in bed, but you should probably take a look at your locks. if you notice that your things are not where you left them, it’s silly to assume that someone has been into your room, rifling through your things and leaving them almost as you left them. to believe that somebody genuinely and truly meant you harm in such a personal way would be to risk the foundational safety that you rely on to live with any measure of peace. and besides, memories are fallible. our senses are imperfect. our overexcited and imaginative minds can betray us. you can be infected by a nightmare you can’t quite remember, only that you woke up shaky and gasping and frightened, squinting in the darkness to make out the figure standing at the foot of your bed that you could have sworn was just there only to be reassured that it was just a bad dream. you can hurry home because you felt certain you were being watched only for the sensation to be ultimately attributed to your own paranoia. yes, the world is dangerous. but maybe not your world. these things, these dramatic scenes cut straight from an episode of the hundreds of crime dramas, don’t happen to people like you.

but 

we fantasize about yanderes and dark personalities and the brutal psychological and bodily torture any character of our choice could subject us to, we imagine the most grim of situations in a light that appeals to our own desires, twisting horror to suit us in a controlled manner. 

still, it is frightening, isn’t it?

it’s past midnight, maybe one or two in the morning, and you’re sitting within the four walls of your room that you no longer believe to be protection enough from the stalker that has been creeping closer and closer. you’re staring at the familiar surroundings that suddenly feel very alien and contend with the bone crushing frenzy of utter stillness in the face of animal panic, the intense crackling and wavering that you can almost see hovering above your skin and holding up little strands of hair as chills crawl in bug-like hoards across the feverish flush of your flesh. all at once you are overwhelmed and helpless against him as he invades, defiles, and dismantles each aspect of your life. there is nothing you can do, no protection from this stylized predator who who has been perfected by fantasy made real so that he no longer resembles any common stalker. in the dark, you are vulnerable. in this situation, you are isolated. shame fills your chest, sloshing around to the frantic rhythm of your heartbeat, embarrassment at the ridiculousness of your reaction. really, what are a few messages? maybe you’re misinterpreting the signs, there’s not enough evidence to prove anything. you have to use the bathroom, yet you don’t feel safe to enter the dark hallway because there might be a figure standing at the other end, and what would you do then? you want to contact somebody for comfort, but everyone you know is asleep and you don’t want to disturb them over something so trivial. you want to move and run and scream and deal with the problem, but you can’t do anything. just sit. just watch. just wait. minutes tick by, somehow. and somehow, dawn breaks over the horizon. you didn’t sleep, but maybe the sun will provide safety. maybe.

maybe not. there’s a unique kind of horror in the mundane. you don’t think about the sounds of the world around you until you begin to feel uneasy in the sunny open air, until the paranoia kicks in and suddenly it’s all you can hear because you’re hyper-focusing on trying to identify why you no longer feel safe. birds warble and call to one another. the leaves relentlessly rustle as the playful breeze shakes them about. from far away, a dog is barking. the big kind, the one that goes “boof boof,” you’ve just gotten out of your car after being out all day and you’re standing uncertainly in your driveway, looking around to try and pinpoint why you’re so anxious. you realize, with a zipping sort of shock down your spine, that there’s nobody else around. not even any evidence that they existed in the first place and it’s so stupid but you begin to think that maybe you’re the only person who has ever existed because the world around you feels so empty and barren. energy tingles in the air, but it is hollow. a void of something you can’t quite perceive. the dog stops barking. the wind dies down. do you dare go inside? your home, the place that should be your refuge, is not safe. you go inside and look at a kitchen you scarcely recognize as your own, at a bed that might as well belong to somebody else, at decor you once were so proud to put up that now seems arranged by a strangers hand. the one who is preying on you is probably human, but the threat feels supernatural in effect. omnipresent. we fear that which we don’t understand, and how can you possibly understand the motive of someone who has focused on you? dread sinks down deep as you shift from foot to foot and second guess every move you make. it smells like sun-warmed concrete and the wind-blown scent of spring greenery. just like your home itself, the smell is familiar as it is foreign. eventually, you go inside.

it’s so obscene, the way that sweat pools between your shoulder blades and slicks your skin, making you shiver with a distinctly antithetical chill to your blazing temperature. sweat is gross and uncomfortable, it makes your clothes cling to your skin and hair mat to your forehead. it’s so crude, this gouging, pinching discomfort like you need to pee making your thighs tremble as they clench together. your entire body is wound up tight as you crouch in the dark, barely allowing yourself to breathe for fear of being discovered while he looks for you. maybe he takes his time just to mess with you, maybe he doesn’t. maybe he tauntingly calls out to you in a feigned attempt to draw you out of hiding. maybe he means it when he tells you that he loves you. no matter what, there’s no escape, not anymore. it’s a foregone conclusion that you will be found. but you can’t move. fight or flight is out the window, you are frozen. you know the eventuality, yet you cling to hope out of the sheer, stubborn, and half-mad belief that this cannot possibly be real.

its so repulsive, this sickness that gathers in your gut, that invites the swollen weight of nausea to press down heavy and inescapable in your throat, that sits on your paper dry tongue. it tastes like old, rusted metal, the scent that clung to your blistered hands when you were young and tried your luck on the ancient playground monkey bars. the bloody flavor that choked you when you lost the last of your baby teeth, leaving your childhood behind and exchanging imaginary monsters for the real ones. just when the anticipation is on the precipice of killing you, you’re found. you expected it, yet you still scream. it still hurts, it’s still terrifying, you’re still clouded by the vague fog of disbelief that this could be real. you keep thinking that. it can’t be real, this can’t be real. things like this don’t happen to you. 

but it is. you can’t stop it. you have no control over your life in that moment and thereafter. 

and you think about everything you’ve ever read online about torture. human beings are so capable of hurting each other, it’s a dedicated art form. and you know about stalkers, the real kind, not the fun fictional yandere kind. you know the torture that human bodies are capable of withstanding before dying, the grotesque limits they can endure. limbs removed or hobbled. fingers peeled of nail and skin. teeth pulled, tongue cut out, eyes gouged, skin lashed to tatters, feet spun around so the skin stretched like rubber. not to mention sexual torture. when a human being is granted absolute dominion over another, even the best of them go rotten. do you ever think about that? in these situations, the fear of pain would get to me above all else, i think. 

if you don’t immediately disassociate from the fiction, if you force yourself into the scenario as its presented with a degree of reality, the horror is really limitless. and, you may ask, why was this important? because it is six am and i cannot sleep and i’ve had this entire conceptual outline of good horror yandere fiction sitting in my docs for ages that i’ll never actually use to write character x reader so i am giving it to you raw and uncut.   

[cavehags]

I just started The Wilds bc of you (💕) and I’m surprised by how many people seem to hate Leah? She has the same intensity that Rachel has but she threw it all at the writer guy bc he was talented and paid attention to her. which you’d think the fan culture on this website would understand? also she seems very aware of how annoying her inability to cope is to everyone else. like when she talks about how embarrassed she is that she was reading his book when she thought she was going to die. idk she seems clearly smart and compassionate, just incapable of deciding where to place her obsession. what do you think? (Also 💕💕💕 to Rachel. I related to her unfortunately)

i’m so glad i got you to watch it! yeah, i’ve been seeing that same stuff about leah since the first weekend the show came out and it’s really very upsetting. i love leah. she’s obviously super perceptive, smart, creative, compassionate and tough. she’s also survived some incredibly hard shit--she was manipulated emotionally and sexually by an adult man and it was all disguised as love. and some of her traits, like the self-monitoring behaviors that you mentioned, are obviously coming from an impulse to be self-deprecating because that is what teenage girls are taught to do when their problems are too big! after being manipulated and abandoned first by jeff and then by her own parents when they sent her to the “retreat,” she really believes that her life doesn’t have any value. she fucking hates herself. but in spite of that--in spite of her outlook that is sometimes very nearly suicidal--she can’t fully give up, because the mystery of the plane crash and hasn’t been solved and she will not leave those loose threads alone. she has to pull them as far as she can. she is by nature an incredibly persistent person, prone to single-minded fixations and remarkable emotional depth. in these ways, and others, she is a very good representative of teenage girldom.

i mean, the reason the show pushes leah forward as the first character we meet is because she’s the closest character we get to an audience surrogate. we’re shown so much of her feelings and so much of the stimuli that she’s reacting to that we’re supposed to have a special empathy for her. especially when she starts to distrust the circumstances on the island, the audience has the benefit of actually knowing she’s right! it’s really shocking to see so many people who’ve watched the show and think leah’s natural curiosity and emotionality are traits to be condemned. that couldn’t be further from the show’s intention. 

the show wants us to understand that the fucked-up way teenage girls are treated under patriarchy deals them a lot of psychological damage. for leah, her trauma manifests as self-hatred and obsessive hyperfocus stemming from abandonment and her inability to control her own life. these things aren’t her fault, and more than that, they actually help her on the island when she’s trying to make sure everyone survives (see: the time she was the only one who refused to give up searching for fatin). it’s just really cruel to hold those things against her when she’s just a traumatized kid trying to stay alive. 

and god yes i love rachel too... she’s definitely one of my favorites. i’m sorry you related to the hard parts of her story 💔. but the interrogation scenes show us how much hope there is for her to mellow out and achieve really remarkable calm and maturity

[parageist]

1. Are you named after anyone? Technically yes because my OC is named Reverie Willow, but for my other names, not really.

2. When was the last time you cried? Last night because my Fallout 4 game kept crashing and it was making me really angry. (Also I hope you’re okay @teavyy, love you homie💜).

3. Do you have kids? No. There’s a part of me who wants to but I struggle enough with taking care of myself that I would definitely not be able to care for a child. Maybe when I’m older though, and have finished all my main life goals.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Yes, but it depends on who I’m talking to.

5. What sports do you play/have played? I’ve played some little league baseball, did a bit of track, and then played lacrosse for like 2 years (I was number 69 lmao) in middle school.

6. What’s the first thing you notice about people? Probably their size or other obvious physical features.

7. What’s your eye color? Dark brown.

8. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? Well, why not both? I’m really into Omori right now, which I know isn’t a movie but it definitely is a psychological horror experience, and the game ends pretty well (if you get the good ending that is).

9. Any special talents? Very creative, autistic ADHD hyperfocus go brrrr but only when I’m doing something I enjoy. I’m also quite caring, kind, and I try to be as helpful as I can.

10. Where were you born? Portland, Oregon, USA

11. What’re your hobbies? Playing games, drawing, working on my comic, being chronically online, hanging out with friends when I can, writing fanfiction.

12.Do you have pets? Yes! A scrungly scrimblo kitty and a big cuddly sweet doggie!

13. How tall are you? 5’9

14. Favorite subject in school? Science, art (when I get the freedom to make what I want), and history (only when my teacher doesn’t whitewash it)

15. What’s your dream job? A webcomic creator, eventually game developer.

15 Questions 15 Mutuals

I was tagged by @oh-goodness-loki - TYSM dear!!!

1. Are you named after anyone? No... my Mom liked the name. (I hate it btw, and have taken on another in day-to-day life.)

2. When was the last time you cried? The other day, watching "For all mankind" (which is better than I had thought it would be?!)

3. Do you have kids? A daughter.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? MEEEEEE???? ^^

5. What sports do you play/have played? I used to ride. Stopped when I got pregnant.

6. What's the first thing you notice about people? Whether they hold eye-contact, maybe?

7. What's your eye color? Dark brown.

8. Scary movies or happy endings? Depends. I don't like torture movies, but I do not like overly saccharine stuff either. Aliens as a prime example for both?! :)

9. Any special talents? Errr.... I used to have a lyrical soprano... wanted to be an opera singer once upon a time.

10. Where were you born? Skipping, sorry.

11. What are your hobbies? Reading, video games, music, vampires. I also read a lot.

12. Do you have pets? I have a cat, Mo.

13. How tall are you? 5'4"

14. Favorite subject in school? Biology and philosophy

15. Dream job? Not sure. I used to love my job a lot, but now it's more and more meetings and... well.

Tagging:

@prigorie @isabellehemlock @lynnenne, @thefairylights @slutaciouslestat @inkyblotposts @burstingbone @blackgirlasis @alcassin @shashiatnight @anannua @dreamofme9 @danissa10 @redversaillesrose @onlymywishfulthinking ... and whoever wants to!

(Feel free to ignore this if you don't want to, obviously^^)

[mbti-notes]

My question here is, am I doing what I should? They keep making me feel bad for trying to defend myself, which I can chalk down to manipulative behavior, but I still have doubts and sometimes think that maybe I am an ass for not sharing harmless things with them. It simply makes me more comfortable having some things private. (5/6)

[con’t: I don’t want to cut ties like this because I’ve only just recently been drawing hard lines, so it’s only fair to give them a chance. They say that they feel guilty for forcing things out of me, but still continue to do it. I’m at a loss here. I also apologize for venting a little, I have nowhere else I can really do it. :P]

It seems that I received all of your messages except the first one, so I don’t know what type you are or whether you mentioned it. It sounds like you are at war. At what point in this war is a “friend” more accurately described as an “enemy”? If you can’t help venting, then you are consumed by negative emotions, which means that you aren’t being very objective. To an outside observer, listening to the negative judgments that you make about someone you call “friend” doesn’t make you look like a very good friend, either. You say that you won’t judge people for their opinions, then you can’t handle honesty, and then you turn around and start laying blame. This is destructive relationship behavior.

Yes, people are entitled to their privacy and should be allowed the freedom to decide how much to disclose or invest of themselves. Yes, there are indeed overbearing people out there who don’t properly respect boundaries. However, there is no way for me to determine the true cause of the conflict due to your lack of objectivity. You display a poor understanding of people and relationships. The way that you talk about friendship is eerily similar to the way that children whine "my parents suck” when they aren’t allowed to do whatever they please. Your friend has not exhibited anything that I would call extreme, unreasonable, manipulative, or abnormal friendship behavior. If what they’re asking you to share is as “harmless” as you say, then why are you so resistant to sharing? Why do you act like sharing is torture?

You expect them to change who they are to meet your need for privacy and you are unwilling to change who you are to meet their need for intimacy. What else is there to say? You have already made a decision about how much you are willing to disclose about yourself. Your friend has their standards for how much self-disclosure they require in a relationship to make it worthwhile for them to continue. You are not able to agree on the standards nor come to a fair compromise, therefore, it is reasonable to conclude that you are not well-suited to be friends. Trying to force each other to change is futile and hurtful when neither party wants to. Why continue to be friends when you’re not able to understand, let alone meet each other’s needs? It seems that you have already reached the point where your resentment makes you hyperfocus on the negative, unable to see the positive, so what is there left to salvage?

Yet you still doubt. Self-doubt is usually a sign that, deep down, you know you’re not yet aligned with the truth. Jung believed that the people close to you are in the best position to reflect back to you the flaws of your personality. A mature person knows this and uses all forms of feedback to dig deeper into the truth of themselves, for the sake of personal growth. An immature person always feels the compulsion to defend against the world’s feedback because they don’t want to see how ugly they really look in the mirror. Habitual defensiveness means that one’s personality flaws never get resolved, so they produce recurring problems in relationship after relationship. If the problem you describe is a recurring one, then you need to seriously consider whether you are creating it. Are you doing the right thing? Technically speaking, you are respecting your comfort level, which is important for maintaining proper relationship boundaries. However, the question is whether your comfort level is actually reasonable - this is the gray area to be examined more closely. 

We often use the word “closed-off” to describe people who are very insecure and defensive. Excessively self-protective, self-preoccupied, or self-centered behavior impedes the development of healthy and fulfilling relationships. People become closed-off for a variety of reasons, but it is considered a personality flaw when it inhibits growth. In some cases, “private”, in actuality, is equal to closed-off, inaccessible, unavailable, distrustful. Many people use “privacy” as a guise or excuse to remain closed-off so that they never have to confront the fears and insecurities that get triggered in a relationship (e.g. fear of intimacy). They don’t “ask” anyone for anything so that they don’t have to give anything, thus keeping themselves psychologically separate and emotionally safe. Being in a relationship with them is like trying to interact with an inanimate object - it feels like a waste of effort at the end of the day.

I’m not interested in taking sides. If it is important to you to improve your relationships and relationship skills, it’s up to you to reflect honestly on whether you are too closed-off for real friendship. The fact that you have no one to vent to is perhaps an indication that you have significant trust issues and/or your relationships are rather shallow. If you prefer superficial relationships that never make you feel anything you don’t want to feel, it’s your right to choose them. If that’s the case, you shouldn’t try to be friends with people who want something more deep and intimate, as it wouldn’t serve anyone involved.

[drangues]

He is very very dear to me and if that means I gotta hyperfocus on him then I guess I gotta hyperfocus on him. And!!! I basically talked to him about how orphanages work, psychologically? And how likely something like Atsushi’s orphanage would be to exist. According to him, an orphanage wouldn’t even have to have particularly abusive or neglectful caretakers to mess with someone who’s been there for a while- Though that certainly wouldn’t help. (Nyanon, 1/6)

Instead, a large part of the problem would probably come from how many children there are- The ratio between them and adults is hardly enough to keep an eye on everyone all the time, after all. This can lead to a kind of... Do you know the book Lord of the Flies? It can lead to a situation a bit like that, albeit not exactly the same- The lack of supervision can cause the children to form their own hierarchies and “rules,” and those lower down on the caste might suffer for it. (Nyanon, 2/6)

It especially isn’t uncommon for there to be a scapegoat- The lowest of the low in the pseudo-caste system, the one who’s forced to take the fall when things go wrong, and the one that others will lash out at and take their anger out on. Speaking of, it’s pretty likely that this was Atsushi’s “role” in the orphanage, especially since the Headmaster focused on him so much. Does that make sense? Hopefully it does! (Nyanon, 3/6)

And yeah, Dazai only calling him senpai when Akutagawa is around is. Fair, and very very in character. He’s a trolling bastard no matter the age. And! Yes yes yes, Dazai slips up once and calls him “Atsushi-kun” and he tries to play it off, maybe? Or maybe he did it on purpose to fluster Atsushi? Either way, this brought to mind Atsushi going from calling Dazai “Dazai-san” (because he’s a polite bean) to eventually “Osamu-san” and Dazai immediately EXPLODES into a blush. (Nyanon, 4/6)

I just. Live for Dazai getting flustered by a Atsushi, haha. Atsushi is great and I would die for him and his unintentional sassiness. Anyways, I’m! Glad you accept other headcanons! Because I have (for the moment) run out of Nyatsushi Concepts! So, let us begin the General Atsushi Concepts: He love love loves Disney movies!!! He never got to watch them, or really knew what they were, as a child, after all. (Nyanon, 5/6)

He knows it might make him seem like a kid, he can’t help to be drawn to thinks that are so... Different? From the environment he was once used to. Also also! I sent you another ask, without identifying who I am. You answered it! Don’t worry about that- But I’m wondering if you can figure out which ask I was before something I’m putting together for you is done~ Here’s a hint: It was answered on October 25th! (Nyanon, 6/6)

Atsushi is very dear to me too uwuwu and oh!!! that makes sense!! with the orphanage system and it’s consequences. AEJKSDS ATSUSHI CALLING DAZAI “Osamu-san” AND DAZAI EXPLODING INTO A BLUSH AAAA (and yes certainly dazai would call atsushi “atsushi-kun” just to see him get flustered but atsushi thinks it’s because dazai is a bastard, which he is,and wants to Challenge atsushi)

I ALSO LIVE FOR DAZAI GETTING FLUSTERED BY ATSUSHIS CUTENESS, i feel like he would just squeeze atsushi so hard, whether in a hug or his cheeks or just smacking his lips on atsushi’s face- or just clutchng his chest.

UWUWUWUWU HE LOVES DISNEEYY MOVIESSS you think he’ll be so fascinated by how horrible their lives were and how then it got turned upside down owo?? like, they found their own prince and lived happily ever after, i think atsushi would relate on their rough childhood part 

O H and damn you sent an ask?? well, was it the youtuber au idea?? with dazai making him a castle full of surprises??

[yay-depression]

hi hello, i would kind of just like to rant about being in the category of “you don’t have adhd but you don’t not have adhd”

and to preface this: i typically say i have adhd bc it is the only way i can

get ppl to take my symptoms and modifications seriously

explain my problems to ppl without having to go into the rabbit hole that i’m about to go into

so, now that thats out of the way, let’s begin:

i was diagnosed with severe generalized anxiety disorder when i was six. it’s a pretty useless diagnosis (in my opinion) bc it’s kinda just like “you have a lot of everything and u just have normal person anxiety but like worse” the clusters i had when i was diagnosed were:

panic disorder

phobias

OCD

social anxiety disorder

and generalized anxiety disorder

i never had separation anxiety and back then no one brought up PTSD so, that’s where that list ends. essentially this caused a shit ton of symptoms all of which were absolutely awful and very disabling. my anxiety is so severe that it’s classified as a mental disability, which is uncommon.

one of the things about having severe anxiety is that it causes a bunch of symptoms that people don’t associate with anxiety.

there was a point where doctors thought i was having seizures, but it was just my anxiety.

i experienced psychosis (and still occasionally do) which was a result of my anxiety (now more likely a result of my depression but who tf knows tbh)

as of now i no longer have phobias but i still have all the other clusters.

all of my anxiety symptoms are pretty well managed to the point where my teachers and peers are actually shocked when they hear i have anxiety at all. (it’s the fact that i’m on a shit ton of meds and i’ve been in therapy for a decade, trust me I didn’t just grow out of it)

my anxiety is also so severe that it causes problems with executive functioning.

I have absolutely no concept of time, none whatsoever, which is something ppl say like “oh haha yeah i have no concept of time either” but they can still be like “oh don’t worry you were only gone like five minutes” literally you could leave me in a room for five minutes or five hours and it fucking feels the same.

i have a very difficult time remembering things, i have to set at least three alarms for something or i will forget it is happening. i have a routine, any time that routine is broken or something, it’s really hard to get to the thing that breaks the routine or even remember that the thing exists.

i need my brain to be stimulated at all times. any moment without at least mild stimulation feels like actual hell. i can’t fall asleep in silence bc the period of time in between being awake and falling asleep is so torturous for me that i’ll have meltdowns over it.

also i have periods where i’m like “if there is any sound other than the one i am focusing on i will kill everyone.” which makes school a real joy /s

i have very particular touch stimulation problems?? some textures make me tic, thinking about some textures will actually make me tic, sometimes i can’t touch stuff but then the day after i want to roll in it.

i have no idea what step comes where when getting ready to leave someplace. i literally made flash cards with my therapist bc i have such a problem getting ready for things. i don’t know what to do at the 15 minute mark without my flash cards, or the 10 minute mark, or the 1 minute mark.

part of needing to be stimulated all the time; i can follow five things at once (unless one of them is reading in which case i need white noise and nothing else or i will scream). i constantly have three or more things that i am doing and having only one thing happening is so goddamn difficult it makes me cry occasionally.

i hyperfocus sometimes, it hasn’t happened in a bit but i did have a time where i spent two straight days studying nuclear energy. i spent like three months study forensic psychology at a college level for some fucking reason. i spent a solid few months of my life where i was pouring all of my time into serial killers and their cases. i memorized an entire band’s discography in one day. i memorized hundreds of facts about another band months later. it’s kind of a problem, i lose sleep over it and i put off school work and social activities because i can’t get it out of my head.

sometimes just vibes from a room will make me want to explode. i’ll get sensory overload from there being no sensory?? like i’ll walk in a room and be fine, and then walk in another room where almost nothing has changed and suddenly i’m about to rip my head off.

this (and other reasons) led me to asking my psychiatrist if i could get an adhd screening. he said yes, i have yet to send some of the paperwork to my teachers i’m sorry. but according to my mom’s account i do not meet the requirements for having adhd. now, there’s a whole other rant i could go on about how that’s a faulty way to diagnose stuff but we’re not gonna do that.

my psychiatrist did however say that it’s very complicated because my anxiety is so bad that it has symptoms that look like adhd and he’s not sure if they are or not. i also have clinical depression which causes symptoms of adhd as well. i’m also apparently on two adhd meds already (which i was unaware of when asking for the test) and that complicates the results even more.

anyways rant over. basically i have adhd but i don’t but i do but we’re not sure and i rly just want my brain to be normal bc i’m sick of not being able to do things.