#yes i did steal the principles of magic from misfits and magic 2. they're just too good☺️

[the-greatest-magic-of-all]

The sun was trying to kill him.

Each and every beam of soft, morning sunlight was a soldier sent by that bastardous burning ball of gas to send psychic spikes through Maximum’s temples and into his poor aching head. Fortunately, he could defend himself by burrowing himself deeper into the soft and sumptuous sheets of this wonderfully vast bed.

Yes, there were certainly perks to being friends with a king. He’d have to get himself a castle one day, this one was glorious! Not to mention filled with plenty of libations and Goblin courtiers that knew how to have a good time.

Ugh, by the pounding in his ears and the strange taste in his mouth, maybe too much of a good time.

As Maximum did his best to focus on falling back to sleep, a quiet click of a doorknob turning sounded at the other end of the chamber. Unable to do anything but crack his eye open, he peered over to watch as the door clicked shut once more. In the back of his mind, he knew that this could be a potential danger. Only Wren knew how many times Riz had told him to always be on his guard in this place, but if he moved his body with any kind of swiftness, he’d throw up.

So, there he lay until he felt the bed beside him dip ever so slightly. That didn’t tell him much about his chamber’s invader; most of the castle’s residents were hardly heavier than a couple of overfed house cats. What did tip Maximum off was the series of harmless taps against his forearm over the next few moments. At first, he just thought it was annoying before he realized two things at once.

1. It was Riz who had slid into his bed and

2. The taps were morse code.

Umberlee below, he should’ve never mentioned to that little shit that his Papa had wanted him to know it so that he could fuck with High Court’s and Falinel’s navies.

Great, what was he on about?

Dot. Dot. — Dash — Dot. Dot. Dot. — Dot. Dash. Dot — Dot. Dot. — Dash. Dash. Dot. Dot.

ITS RIZ.

Obviously.

Dot. Dot. Dot. — Dot. Dash. Dot. Dot. — Dot. — Dot. — Dot. Dash. Dash. Dot. — Dot. Dot. Dot. Dot. — Dot. — Dot. Dash. Dot. — Dot.

SLEEP. HERE.

Huh.

Maximum grunted as he shifted his head off the pillow just enough to mumble and ask, “Why?”

A pause.

Dash. Dot. — Dot. Dash. — Dash. Dot. Dash. — Dot. — Dash. Dot. Dot. — Dot. Dash. Dash. Dot. — Dot. — Dot. Dash. Dot. — Dot. Dot. Dot. — Dash. Dash. Dash. — Dash. Dot.

…

NAKED PERSON?

Nope.

Nuh-uh.

Too hungover to understand.

All Maximum could do in reply this time was to shift and lift the heavy duvet as he silently invited Riz to hurry underneath. Which he thankfully did, with only a few muffled mumbles about bribes and nice clothes before Maximum felt as sleep began to paw at him again. Soon enough, he was pulled back under.

He only managed to stay within the dark void of sleep for what felt like a few more moments before his newest nemesis shifted its sunbeams to attack him once again. Groaning, he pushed himself up on his hands, half ready to stumble over to the windows to wrench the blinds closed before falling back asleep. Instead, while he swayed as he propped himself up, he spotted something far more intriguing for the previously unfelt deep thirst within him.

Perched on the bedside table, bathed in warm, golden light as if it was a true holy relic, a decanter of endless water.

Maximum had maybe never gotten out of bed so quickly.

On sore legs and slumped against the bedside table, trusting it to hold his entire weight, Maximum gripped the decanter in two hands and chugged the crystal clear water within it. Gulping it down with as much reverence as he would with ambrosia or the waters of the Fountain of Youth. Almost all at once, as the water settled into his stomach, his headache eased, and the waves of nausea receded into nothingness. The aches in his muscles and bones ceased, and the room stopped spinning.

“Fey wine shouldn’t have made you this hungover, man,” came Riz’s sleep-filled voice from beside him. Maximum didn’t even have to see his face to know that he had a barely restrained smile on his lips.

Taking a pause in his chugging, Maximum’s chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath. “I also had a big fishbowl of—” His eyes squinted as he tried his best to pull a word in Gukliak he’d heard last night from his memory and pronounce it at least seventy-five percent correctly.“—Does that ring a bell?”

After a couple of beats of silence, he knew he’d only done a forty-five job. Glancing over at Riz, who lay in Fabian’s bed with his chin propped up on his hand and his unkempt eyebrows furrowed, Maximum placed the decanter down as he tried the word again. Emphasizing a different part of it this time.

That seemed to register.

Face contorted in both shock and awe, Riz gasped and said, “They gave you Goblin moonshine? Oh, no wonder you were dead to the world.”

“All’s well that ends well,” Maximum grimaced at the memory of drinking the clear liquid last night after it was offered to him by a lavishly dressed Goblin lord with whom he’d been playing cards. The last thing he remembered before waking up in bed was the taste of grapes and lemon. His stomach growled at the thought. Ugh, he hasn’t eaten a thing since they stepped into that portal to this plane.

And almost as if he’d summoned them with his thoughts—

Knock, knock, knock.

Without sparing a second to check with Riz (who quickly hid under the covers), Maximum strode over to the tall, oaken door and opened it to find a plate of breakfast—er, brunch. A stack of beautifully golden pancakes topped with brown syrup and juicy berries. Thick cuts of crispy, still-sizzling bacon next to two sunny-side fried eggs and two slices of perfectly toasted pieces of buttered bread. Umberlee below, it smelled so good.

Riz just had to pipe up. “Are you sure you want to eat that?” He asked, knowing that Maximum knew the correct answer.

Too bad for him, this Legend had stopped caring about the dangers of this place as soon as he became a King.

“I’m hungry,” he answered plucked a berry off of the pancakes and popped into his mouth. Delicious.

“And we’re still in the Feywilds.”

“Oh, look,” Maximum said, rolling his eyes as he picked up the plate of food and the elegantly painted mug beside it. Holding the mug up for Riz to see, he swirled its contents and allowed the distinct smell of well-roasted coffee beans to fill the air. “I suppose I’ll have to drink this mug of coffee all by myself then?” He could only laugh at the look of despondency that Riz’s face morphed into as his eyes lingered on the mug. Still chuckling, Maximum sauntered over to the bed as he pondered a way out of the conundrum this land had placed his friend in. “Hmm, if I take it, does it become mine? So, if I then gave it to you, would that be alright?”

Frowning with his ears drooping, Riz shook his head. “It has nothing to do with who it is and everything to do with it being created here.”

“Okay, but if you, the Goblin King, make something here, would you be exempt from the bad stuff that comes with eating Fey food?” Maximum glanced around the room a moment before dumping the coffee in a potted plant and washing it out with the decanter’s water before he settled himself on the bed beside Riz. Handing him the empty mug, Fabian nudged him with his shoulder, “Here, try.”

Riz held it in his hands, his claws clinking against the ceramic, but stared down at it unconvinced. Quietly, he stopped biting his lip long enough to murmur, “I’ve never done magic before.”

Maximum pursed his lips and shrugged.

“Neither have I, but I imagine that since you have a material item, the mug, all you have to do is say something while you physically do something and think of…” He trailed off as he circled his finger across the mug’s rim before he caught Riz’s eyes and gave him a small smile. “… the best cup of coffee you’ve ever had.”

Sitting with Maximum’s instructions for a moment, Riz did his best to gather as much of the power and magic his new title granted him before he attempted an act of pure creation. Closing his eyes because it felt right, Riz held a hand above his mug and swirled it around as he said, with both the strength of a king’s command and the patience of a couple of broke Goblins waiting for their coffee maker to warm up, “Eeffoc.”

And though he couldn’t see it happen, Maximum could as, slowly but surely, the room was filled with the smell of coffee once more. Then, as if pulled from a coffee maker’s spout, a pour of rich, thick coffee began from Riz’s swirling hand and fell into the mug underneath. Until it was full to the brim with piping hot coffee made by one Detective Riz Gukgak, Goblin King.

“Would you look at that? Well done!” Maximum said softly enough to startle Riz out of his trance but loud enough to let him know that he’d succeeded. By all the stars in the sky, the look of pure wonder and joy on Riz’s face once he laid eyes on his creation and took his first sip was irreplaceable. You know, he’s glad Riz had snuck in a couple—wait. “Naked person?”

In between satisfied hums and sips, Riz nodded. “Oh, yeah, I think my advisor sent me some—what did she call it—overnight companionship? Yeah, no, thank you. Ugh, I wish they’d give up on trying to keep me here.”

Damn, now, if this was a perk of being King, Maximum wouldn’t mind being one. Picking up a fork, he cut and scooped pieces of the bacon and eggs onto one of the pieces of toast as he asked, “What’s so wrong about some overnight companionship?”

There was a long enough pause for Maximum to get through several more bites of his delicious breakfast before Riz finally responded.

“I’m…“ He started, though he didn’t very far before his lips were back to being pressed tightly together. Hmm, how strange. Maximum had never seen him, so… reluctant to talk about anything other than his Dad. He’d learned that the hard way. Not wanting to get into uncomfortable territory so early in the day, Maximum went to change the subject, but Riz beat him to it. He put on an almost too-quick smile as he said, “… Not into any of that stuff. Sex, that is. And relationships, too, I guess. It’s just never clicked for me, you know? Like, I’ve never looked at anybody, especially a stranger, and said, ‘Man! They are so hot. I wanna get into their pants and get busy.’”

“Well, no one says that,” Maximum said with an airy chuckle and a brittle smirk.

Riz huffed and did his best to shove him with his whole body, “You know what I mean.”

Oh, he did. There was just a small piece of him that was currently shuffling around his heart as it silently gathered whatever beginnings of a crush he had on the goblin beside him. Wincing and cringing at the very sight of those feelings as it shoved them into a box, never to be seen or opened again. Once they were dealt with, he tried to find the happy, devil-may-care attitude he’d had seconds before and put it on before Riz sniffed out anything but understanding on Maximum’s person.

Unfortunately, he didn’t process it quickly enough. Riz’s shoulders curled forward as his whole being turned in on itself as if preparing for a punch to the gut. Everything but his face, which still had that queasy smile on as he asked, “Too weird?”

“No!” Maximum almost shouted but swiftly readjusted to something more charming and disarming. Cocking his head to the side with a silly grin, he patted Riz’s arm as he said, “No, no, no. I was just thinking of ways to defend you from the big, scary courtesans throwing themselves at you.”

Eyes shiny, Riz smiled and placed a hand on his chest. “My hero.”

Leaving a mini offering for when you awaken - Thanks for chatting with me while work has been boring me to death :3

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Fae Wilds

Fabian flinched his hand away when Riz swatted at his fingers, the goblins hand connecting with his knuckles with a stinging crack since he wasn’t pulling his punches. Not anymore. The creature that had tried to hand Fabian a strange piece of fruit snarling at the goblin and earning a venomous hiss from the detective in response before it skuttled up the tree and out of sight into the canopy.

“Just because someone is handing you something doesn’t mean you have to take it.” Riz took a calming breath, rubbing at the bridge of his nose under his glasses before resettling them on his face properly. “In fact, put your hands in your pockets. Please.”

The goblin had needed to explain this to Fabian six times already but the Fae Wilds tended to make most people who weren’t native a little vague at the best of times. He wasn’t mad at his friend, not really, he was just kind of wishing he hadn’t let the half elf invite himself on this little mission in the name of ‘watching Riz’s back’ for him. Sure, adventuring with a partner was much more enjoyable than going solo like he usually did but gods was it stressful when he had to keep an eye on Fabian the entire time. If he’d known Fabians human heritage would cause this much of a handicap on his resistance to the confusing influence of this realm he wouldn’t have let him come at all.

This excursion wasn’t in relation to Fabians case anyway, the leads on that one having run dry a while ago, but Riz still had bills to pay and the half elf was fine with him taking other clients in the meantime. They were in the Fae Wilds searching for information, the detectives current client swearing that his daughter had run off with a member of some fairy court and wanting to know where they’d gone. When Riz had gone through his daughters things he’d had to agree, some of the items and letters she’d left behind faintly humming with traces of magic from this realm when he’d checked them over.

So here they were, just the two of them, trying to find someone they could get information out of without trading away something irreplaceable. Riz had gotten a few leads from some of the less dangerous creatures in the area and had been verifying some of it with another when he heard Fabian speaking with someone behind him. The goblin having to whirl around quickly to smack Fabian on the leg to stop him from saying his name to a beautiful, naked woman that looked like they were carved out of a still living tree. Riz narrowing his eyes and baring his teeth when they ran a flirty finger under Fabian’s chin before giggling and wandering away into the forest around them.

“Oh, sorry The Ball. You were trying to get my attention?” Fabian had stared wistfully after the retreating figure until they were impossible to spot among the foliage, the half elf making a choked noise when Riz reached up to grab him by the collar of his jacket and yank him down to the goblins eye level.

“Stop. Saying. Your. Name. and REALLY stop saying your FULL name. Even if they don’t want to steal it they can do some pretty horrible stuff to you if you’re not careful.”

“Ah. Right. Sorry. Force of habit.” Fabian grinned, happy to let the goblin manhandle him around if he wanted to even though it would be very easy to resist. It meant he got to look at his face up close, even if his brows were knitted together in a frown and his ears were pinned back in a way he knew meant he was upset or worried.

“Fuck, okay. I know you’re having issues remembering all this because of-“ Riz let go of his collar with one hand to gesture vaguely around the pair of them, indicating the fae wild at large. “-but it’s going to cause problems if you keep doing that. So. Give me your name.”

“Hmm? Okay, It’s…” The half elf frowned, his own ears drooping slightly while his eye darted, unfocused, from side to side as he tried to think. “I don’t… why can’t I remember?”

“Oh, good. Excellent. I still remember it so that worked.” Riz let go of his collar, pressing their foreheads together in a brief nuzzle before stepping way from him. “You gave me your name. I’ll give it back once we go home but at least I can keep it safe for you until we do. For now you’ll just have to go by… I dunno. Maximum Legend until we leave.”

Now that a creature of this realm had control of the half-elfs name hopefully it would have the duel effect of helping to clear his mind somewhat. Maximum Legend, for his part, was doing an excellent impression of a stunned fish. Mouth hanging open slightly as he stayed crouched in the position Riz had left him in.

“That’s…. what the fuck The Ball? How in the Nine Hells did you even do that?”

“I am a creature of many talents.”

The half-elf scoffed in response but didn’t argue, standing back up to his full height and following along behind Riz as he started walking again.

It's always a delight to chat with you, and it's one of my favourite things to do! Thank you for this gift. Here's a little something in return, pulled from some of our recent chats.

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Maximum Legend—ugh, he couldn’t believe Riz was throwing that one drunken night on Leviathan in his face—kept a hand on the hilt of his blade as he stood back to back with Riz as several masked goblins surrounded them. They’d been on their way through a forest of trees as tall as skyscrapers with thick and colourful underbrush. Following their only lead regarding the location of Riz’s client’s daughter, Sarah. Up until they’d been ambushed, of course.

He’d been ready for a fight, but he felt Riz hesitate at the same time he did, thanks to giving their attackers a second look over. Rusty pitchforks, worn sickles, and recently repaired spears. Masks made up of ripped fabric and threadbare work clothes covered with patchwork leather armour. If they were bandits, they had only just started out, but something told them that these people weren’t even that.

Riz glanced at Maximum Legend to make sure they were on the same page before he called out to one of the goblins in Gukliak. Maximum could only follow parts of the back and forth that occurred. He could surmise that Riz had asked the troupe if they’d seen a Halfling girl running around with a member of one of the nearby Courts.

For a moment, the goblins looked shifty about it, but Riz… insisted that her father only wanted to know that she was safe and bring her home if she wasn’t. A bit of conferring between the troupe and another quick exchange with Riz before they lowered their weapons. Giving them both a nod to follow.

The troupe of goblins kept them close as they led them through the forest toward a small village by a winding creek. Small farms on the outskirts of it with farmers tending to strange beasts and even stranger crops. Little houses and shops were built into the massive ivied tree trunks or carved out of giant moss-covered boulders. A village square with a tall pole wrapped in colourful ribbons and flowers that goblin villagers pass by and congregate at to stare at him and Riz as they’re led deeper into the settlement.

Eventually they are led to a hollowed out giant tree stump where the missing daughter, Sarah, a young ravenhaired Halfling woman sat in a garden of tall grass and wildflowers, playing a guitar for a hoard of young goblins. It was a sweet sight to watch for a moment or two. But sooner than later, one of the kits noticed their and their guides’ presences and a whirlwind of chaos erupted.

Sarah stopped strumming, sitting up alarmed as some of the kits raced towards a couple of the goblins who guided them here—their parents, obviously. While others, the ones on the older side stayed and began to swarm Sarah as if they could hide her with their bodies. And that is nothing to say of a matronly Goblin woman bursting out of the stump and rushing to put herself in front of Sarah and the kits as she hissed at the guides and the outsiders.

Maximum watched as Riz lowered his ears in submission to her obvious authority in this place as he began to speak to her slowly in Gukliak. At first, she wasn’t having it; not even some nudging from their guides was enough for her to let them come any closer. But luckily, Sarah was far more willing to humour them.

Slithering out of the pile of kits, she threw her guitar over her shoulder as she walked over to the Goblin matron to put a hand on her shoulder. Telling her that they most likely weren’t here on the Goblin King’s orders. She recognized their clothing; they were from her home plane. Here to rescue her. Sarah smiles at them and tells them that Drezza is just worried about her because she sees her stolen daughter in her, that’s all. She’s happy to talk to them and explain what happened to her.

You see, Sarah Timbersage had been having a really tough time at college, at her dead-end job and at home and… she’d met a guy. Handsome, almost too good-looking for words. Elven, she’d guessed at first, but he’d been light on the details. They’d exchanged letters, back and forth; old fashioned, but she’d liked it. He’d said that she could come live with him, that he’d take care of her, and she’d want for nothing…

As the fifth daughter of eight children, it was an enticing offer. Believable, too, he’d given her a beautiful necklace as if it were nothing. She hadn’t even realized she’d been enthralled until she was deep in the Feywild, within the Castle of the Goblin King. Who, she’d quickly realized, was only going to add her to a collection of “brides” he kept as a testament to his power. Including Drezza’s daughter, Pollina, though Sarah hadn't known that then. Only by pure luck did she manage to escape the fortress and disappear into the forest surrounding it.

Sarah doesn’t know how long she wandered, but one morning, after spending the night hidden in a rotted log, she was found by some of Drezza’s children. The sweet things had realized that she was not only hungry and thirsty, but also the mortal woman the Goblin King had sent scouts to find.

Now, you have to understand. Within the Goblin Court, you’d be hard-pressed to find a soul that actually revered or even liked their King. Hell, they hadn’t particularly liked their last dozen Kings! Might makes Right in the Court of Goblins, so one of the most popular ways for anyone to gain power is to kill a more powerful being than themselves and assume their title.

The worst thing is? It's an arcane issue. It doesn't matter if the courtiers and subjects of the Court despise whoever holds the title of Goblin King, no matter how this so-called King drags their Court’s reputation through the mud unless one of them can defeat him? There's nothing they can do to strip the Court-given powers from him. As much as they hated to admit it, the current Goblin King was very powerful.

And if the smoke signal from the outermost of the village's farms was correct, he was on his way here.