#yeah those two have been with me since like... 9th grade? 10th?

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

oop, idiot doodles alert-

[valkerymillenia]

Hi, I asked about jason’s memory in my last ask in cbds. Thanks for answering. It made me wonder would jason gets flashes about his time with dick and the twins?I really admire your patience in writing your story. This is why i’ll fail as a writer, because i have absolutely no patience. I mean I would probably rush my story and that would make it turn bad.

Ok, so, no. At first Jason has no memory between his death and the Pit. Eventually though some things start to trigger pieces of memories that he doesn't really understand, his full memory takes quite a while to return and by then he's dug himself into too deep a hole.

Also, you sound EXACTLY like me when I started writing.

So I'mma ramble now. Feel free to ignore the boring story time beneath the cut but I promise it has a point, it's just bound to be long because I don't know what brevity is and when I'm sleep deprived I talk to much.

Before I started writing I always wanted to put stories down into words but I never ever considered writing books, I used to make elaborate fantasy worlds, characters and lives in my head that dragged on for weeks on end, slowly becoming more and more complex, it was pure escapism, but I never thought about writing those stories down precisely because I though "I'll never have the patience to develop this, I'll just rush it or quit halfway".

Then when I was in 10th grade there was a writing contest in my school and two of my cousins were teachers there and writers themselves and encouraged me to enter (there were 3 categories actually- teachers, 7th to 9th grade and 10th to 12th grade). I figured, why not?

The story had to be handwritten under a pseudonym with a 5 page limit (no word limit because it was handwritten, you just had to use standard test paper for 5 pages, and yes, this was normal because not everyone had access to a computer to type their work), it was fiction under the theme "stories of our people" and the judges were a panel of teachers and one famous writer (he had a very popular YA adventure series and some great mythology based novels, unfortunately he passed away a few years later).

Now, bear in mind 2 things. This was a school surrounded by forest in the hills of a small rural city but it was the biggest rural city around and all the other towns and villages sent their kids to high school there, the second thing to remember is that high school is mandatory education in my country so dropping out isn't really an option. Therefore we had hundreds of kids in the high school grades (somewhere between 600 and 800 kids, I think, there's less nowadays because the next town over grew immensely and has its own high school now).

You'd think kids wouldn't be interested in a writing competition but the author that was coming to judge was very popular at the time and, well, it was a high school in the middle of the woods in a small countryside town. Things were boring, ok? We didn't have a mall or a movie theater or anything, so when something popped up to break the boredom (or someone even remotely famous showed up) everyone jumped at it.

So a lot of people participated and me? I was just dragging my feet because "I didn't have the patience", I waited until the last two days before the deadline and poured out a story last minute with a shitty penname based on my mythology obsession (Valkery Thot, you can laugh about it nowadays but Thot was the Egyptian good of scribes and I was NERD).

The story was about two kids that never liked each other growing up even though they lived close to each other, they end up crossing paths on the same adventure to a local inaccessible waterfall we have here in the mountain, they were looking for treasure based on stories and maps from each of their grandfathers and find a cave together where they discover etchings left by said grandfathers and, long story short, the treasure was friendship.

(Sappy as hell, I know, but I was thinking the whole YA adventure mindframe, ok? Plus, it wasn't my preferred writing language, which is English, and I was 15 and literally improvised the whole thing last minute, didn't even draft anything, I just wrote it directly and barely proofread for typos.)

So I entered the contest last minute with no real hopes, it was just an experiment but it proceed to be way more entertaining than I though, without the pressure of actually wanting to win it was easier than I thought.

Award day came and we all gathered in this fancy huge auditorium we had, it was the fanciest part of the whole school but it still couldn't fit everyone in there, then again most students that came just wanted an excuse not to go to class that morning. Anyway...

One of my cousins won in the teacher category and I was all proud. I watched the 3 winners of the 7th to 9th grade category being awarded and started getting distracted (because unless I was drawing or stimming I had the attention span of a goldfish). Then the 10th to 12th grade category came and I was so distracted that they had to call me twice before I realized I'd won second place!

First place went to 12th grade boy that wrote a story called "The Message", very purple prose and perfect grammar, lovely story, but I digress.

Anyway, the famous author was the one to give me my prize and told me my story was very vivid, there were some typos but he was impressed by the creativity and the amount of action I packed into 5 pages while still giving it a satisfying ending. I barely grasped what the heck he was saying at the time because I still had this certainty that I bullshitted the whole thing last minute and couldn't even remember half of what I wrote but I asked him if he thought I "could be real writer someday" and he just said I already was a "real writer" because all it took to be a real writer was putting it it words, that and actually enjoying the world I made up.

It stuck with me. I didn't realize right away that that was my dream, that I wanted to be a novelist, I still wanted to be an artist and was stuck under all those expectations to choose a proper college path and career (I thought I could do law, AH! what was I thinking?!) but it really stuck with me and shortly after I started getting really deep into a side of fandom that I hadn't experienced before (because I never had much access to internet before that) and started to want to put my stories into words even if I never finished them, I still didn't think I had the patience or the originally.

A few years later I realized that when it comes to something I'm passionate about I do indeed have the patience, by age 12 I had already been writing long comprehensive character bios, story details, transcribed quotes, meta theories, summaries and collecting tons of info of all my favorite fandoms and not to share, just for fun (and probably OCD) this went on for years before I even found out that the internet had whole websites and encyclopedias for such things (not like today though but yeah), and it had never occurred to me the patience that that in itself required.

My first fics were atrocious! Mostly because I made A LOT of typos due to not being used to writing in English full time but my thoughts came more naturally in English and I didn't enjoy writing fiction in Portuguese anyway (poetry though? Absolutely), I also used extremely exaggerated plot points, be it drama, angst or romance. But people liked the stories for the content and not the accurate spelling so I kept at it. I never used to finish my fics back then, not due to lack of patience but mostly because I put too much pressure on myself to make a story perfect and would stop having fun.

When I started writing purely for fun and passion (and realized that not every story needed to be a novel length epic) that's when I started churning out my best (and ironically longest) stories and getting better and better.

I won't lie, having readers encouraging me was key, it's half of the fuel I need to keep going, outside interest is an incredible motivator, but mostly I just realized that the key to good writing is:

Less pressure + more passion = all the patience you need

This doesn't just apply to original work though, it's also about fanfic.

Holy crap, that was a lot of words just to sum everything up on that one bold sentence... See, I could never have written this much when I was in high school, that's also a matter of practicing until letting your thoughts out into writing becomes second nature but that's a whole other story.

Anyway... Thanks for the lovely message. It's the story of thing that means the world to me ❤️

(and PS- no, I haven't won any other contests since that one but I have published articles on magazines, no published novels yet though because I don't think my original ideas are ever good enough to follow through).

[clericbyers]

okay but present day byler listening to chasing cars together and laying on wills bed and that’s where mike realizes he loves him

“I made a new playlist if you’re down to listen,” Will points out one day while he and Mike are lazing about outside on the porch. Mike’s kicking his Vans through the dirt before him and coughing out the dust that catches in his throat.

“Yeah, sure,” he wheezes out, “you always have the best song order in your lists than anyone else.”

Will laughs. “You only like my ordering because your favorite songs are almost always first.”

“You know me too well.” Mike grins up at his friend and feels his heart do that funny flip thing it’s been practicing recently. If recently could be at least the past five years or so, sure.

Mike kicks dirt again and climbs fully to his feet. “You know you’re lucky Lucas isn’t here and you’re wearing just Vans.”

“Why’s that?”

“He’d murder you for kicking your feet around with Air Maxs on, especially the 270 React.”

Mike sticks out his tongue playfully, which makes Will roll his eyes before motioning for Mike to follow him inside. It’s just them today; Joyce is out working, Hopper is at the station, Jonathan got hired to take photos all day for some Instagram influencer in Indianapolis, and Elle is out with her girlfriend Max in the city. Mike always feels a little nervous being alone with Will these days. It’s mostly anxiety in his head brought by silly daydreams of maybe holding his best friend’s hand as they sit on the porch, or of kissing him every time they see each other, small pecks and long hungry kisses that each encapsulate everything he’s wanted for a long time.

Mike often wonders if he’s projecting in some fashion, taking out all his gay feels and pressing them on Will since they’re the closest in the Party. It’s no secret where Mike’s interests lie (if the rainbow pin he wore everywhere didn’t broadcast it enough, the rainbow flag in his room was a big, well, flag. Plus, Mike almost always referred to himself as the secondary gay in town, only second to Will), but absolutely no one knows how he feels about Will. Mike’s not even sure either and that’s the worst part.

If he can get a handle on what exactly all his thoughts toward Will mean, if he’s sure he’s not taking out his celebrity crush on Jake Gyllenhaal on Will, then maybe something could be done.

Will plops down onto his bed and starts scrolling through his phone. Mike stands in the doorway for a second longer, watching Will’s fingers grip the sides of his phone before one hand reaches up to brush freshly cut bangs from his head. Mike’s heart catches on a beat and gets lost in the rhythm of Mike’s turbulent emotions.

“Aren’t you gonna sit down?” Will asks with a small chuckle. “I don’t bite.”

“Oh good,” shoots back Mike as he makes his way to Will. “I thought you were a cannibal.”

Will leans over and nips lightly at Mike’s bare arm. His tongue dances across Mike’s skin for just a moment and Mike’s face turns vibrant pink. Will though makes a face and pulls away with a groan. “If I was a cannibal, I wouldn’t eat you.”

“Am I too stringy?”

Will shrugs. “If I ate you then I wouldn’t be able to hang with you every day. I can hold off the temptation for eternity as long as you’re still here.” Mike is going to combust. “Plus, you taste gross.”

“Haha.” The curly haired boy tightens the scrunchie holding his hair back in a loose ponytail—courtesy of Elle—before laying down beside Will. “C’mon, let’s listen to this playlist of yours.”

Will turns on his Bluetooth speaker and then starts up the music. He settles in next to Mike and they both stare into each other’s eyes until Will starts giggling and then closes his eyes as he hums along to the music. They both alternate between humming and singing along, butchering lyrics on purpose and Mike belting out whatever he can when Mr. Brightside and 19-2000 plays.

“Oh,” Will perks when an unfamiliar guitar riff starts playing. “This is the last song; I found it recently. I think you’ll like it.”

Mike opens his eyes and clears out his head enough to take a listen.

We’ll do it all; everything, on our own.

“The melody is nice,” he replies somewhat distractedly. The calmness of this opening has him a little by the throat, and he’s anticipating a rise in energy once the drums start but he still takes in the simplistic instrumentation this far in.

We don’t need; anything, or anyone.

Fair enough.

If I lay here, and Mike snorts to himself given he and Will are just laying around themselves, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Mike feels his throat clench at that. That hits a little too close to home. He chances a glance at Will, who has his eyes closed and oh, oh, there goes Mike’s heart again doing those dumb cartwheels in his chest because Will looks so content and happy being here with Mike.

I don’t quite know; how to say, how I feel.

Mike feels the bottom drop out his stomach. Fuck.

Those three words are said too much; they’re not enough.

Those three words…those three words. Oh. Yeah. Mike stares up at the ceiling and takes in a deep breath. Yeah, it’s—it’s not enough is it? Not really. Will knows Mike loves him, everyone knows Mike loves his friends but this…emotion that consumes Mike unwillingly when Will just glances at him? Those three words really aren’t enough after all.

If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Will fidgets and peaks open an eye before sending Mike a sleepy smile.

Forget what we’re told, before we get too old.

Mike thinks back to their younger years, when all the adults in town admonished him for being so close to Will, for daring to show interest in other boys outside of friendship. How they told him he couldn’t like boys, that it was wrong and evil even now in this century despite what big city life promoted. So he came out in 8th grade, wore rainbow pins and socks and anything he could, went with Nancy into the big city to buy a pride flag in 9th grade, went to prom with his (very short term) boyfriend in 10th grade, and promptly ignored everything he had been taught before about it being wrong to like who he liked.

He won’t grow old enough to be unable to escape the rhetoric. None of the Party will.

Show me a garden that’s bursting into life.

Will opens his other eye and scoots in just a bit closer. Mike can feel the heat from his leg even though they aren’t touching at this distance. He thinks he might passing out if he can’t get his breath back.

Let’s waste time chasing cars around our heads.

Mike feels a little fuzzy now, almost punch drunk from Will’s closeness. He scoots in too, turns on his side to face Will a little better. Will turns as well and now they lie so close, knees knocking together and barely enough space between their faces. Will’s bed is far too small for two people, but right now it seems just about the perfect size.

I need your grace to remind me to find my own.

“Mike?” Will whispers, too gentle in the rising beat of the song.

Mike can’t stop thinking; he can’t shut off his brain, it’s only processing one thing and it’s putting a label to those stupid emotions that have been consuming him since they were kids. The emotion that he knows is more than friendship for the past five years. But now…

“I’m in love with you.”

If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Will is crying. No sobs, no messiness, just one of those uncontrollable smiles framed by sweet wetness dripping from his eyes. Mike leans forward to brush the tears from his best friend’s face, no, not just his best friend, someone he loves more than any words could detail.

Forget what we’re told, before we get too old.

“I’m in love with you, too.”

There’s something so liberating about saying it aloud, something so freeing about hearing something known since they first sat on the swings together and decided to become friends. Mike feels like his life is starting all over again now that he’s basking under the rays of Will’s returned affections.

Show me a garden that’s bursting into life.

The garden, it’s his heart, tended to by the only boy he’s ever truly loved.

All that I am, all that I ever was, and Mike takes Will’s hands in his own as the other boy blushes slightly, is here in your perfect eyes.

Perfect green eyes that go soft at the edges and look blue under the right lighting, expressive big eyes that echo everything Mike’s ever felt like twin mirrors reflecting his soul.

They’re all I can see.

Mike can’t look away now, if ever. God, he’s so in love, huh. It took him this long to realize it.

I don’t know where. Confused about how as well.

How did Mike fall anyway? He doesn’t know. It wasn’t much of a fall anyway, more of a sink, a slow dip into deep rich waters lavishing the beaches of his mind. Gentle waves of reminders about how much different Mike feels toward Will, but never a label until now. Now, there’s only love crashing to shore and Mike accepts the waves with the ease of a Californian surfer.

Just know that these things will never change for us at all.

Nothing’s changed. Nothing has ever changed really.

“If I lay here,” Will whispers with the last verse of the song, singing just enough to keep the pitch but breathy with emotion he can’t contain. “If I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?”

Mike smiles and he knows it’s the dopey one, he can’t help himself, but Will is going pink and he’s so lovely. Mike’s sure Will knows his verbal answer so he shows it instead, closing the gap with a kiss that should have happen years ago. But things happen for a reason, and now, Mike decides as Will clamps his fists into Mike’s shirt and deepens the kiss until only the sound of their slow but needy kissing takes the room after the song ends, is the perfect time and reason for it all.

[silenthillmutual]

Danganronpa 1 & 2 characters as High School “recommended reading” books I actually read

Makoto Naegi

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee when i read it: 5th grade for fun, 10th grade for English class did i like it? well enough yeah content warnings: thematic & period-typical racism, ableism, and sexism about: Recounts a summer in which Scout and her brother, Jem, watch their lawyer father defend a black man accused of raping a white woman in the south while balancing raising them alone. Other stuff happens, but that’s the most important plot thread.

Sayaka Maizono

Medea by Euripides when i read it: i don’t remember, maybe 9th for drama, 12th for English? did i like it? yep! content warnings: child murder, infidelity, some pretty brutal other character deaths, sexism about: Medea, who has sacrificed everything to be with her husband - even committed treason - has been left by the man so he can move on to woo and wed a princess. And she loses her shit.

Leon Kuwata

The Adventures of Huckelberry Finn by Mark Twain when i read it: 11th grade did i like it? yeah! content warnings: thematic & period-typical racism (use of the n-word), domestic abuse, classism iirc? about: After his abusive dad comes back and demands money under the threat of death, Huck Finn runs away with a fugitive slave down the Mississippi River. Being Mark Twain, it’s a comedy, although Huck’s father is genuinely kind of frightening and his friendship with Jim is kind of heartwarming.

Chihiro Fujisaki

Frankenstein by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley when i read it: 10th grade for fun, 12th grade & freshman year of college for class did i like it? I’ve got mixed feelings; i love the book, hate most peoples’ interpretations of it. content warnings: character death, incest (depending on the version of the novel you read), unethical doctors, neglectful parents about: Thinking he knows better than literally anyone else he’s ever met, Victor Frankenstein decides it’s his birthright to play god. He robs graves to build the perfect body, and then, once he’s successful, flips his shit and refuses to acknowledge any part he played in the creation, wrecking the lives of like everyone he knows.

Mondo Oowada

The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton when i read it: like 6th or 7th grade, for fun did i like it? i loved it! content warnings: abuse, thematic classism, character death about: Honestly the most obvious choice to make for Mondo. Ponyboy Curits, a greaser, recounts the last few months of his life in which, after being repeatedly harassed and then nearly killed by gang of rich kids, his friend Johnny stabs one to death. In order to keep Johnny out of prison and Ponyboy out of a boys’ home, the two run away. Considering Ponyboy is also being raised by an older brother, this totally fits Mondo.

Kiyotaka Ishimaru

King Lear by William Shakespeare when i read it: twice in college (discliamer: as an english major i had to taken an entire course on shakespeare, so he shows up a lot here between that and having done theatre) did i like it? no content warnings: a surprising amount of gore for a stage play, including a guy getting his eyes gouged out and someone getting beheaded iirc about: The king’s getting up in years, so he’s hoping he can drop the workload off onto his three daughters while remaining the figurehead. His youngest, Cordelia, who he loves best, refuses to kiss his ass by saying that he’ll still have power over her once she’s married, and this pisses him off so he disinherits her. Then her sisters, annoyed with their father and his favoritism, decide that with Cordelia out of the way they can now do basically whatever they want and determine to make his life hell. Since he named them Goneril and Regan, I don’t blame them.

Hifumi Yamada

The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer when i read it: college, but i wanna say i read some of the stories in it for English classes in high school? did i like it? some of the stories i did yeah content warnings: varies from story to story, but i remember unsanitary, drunkenness, and infidelity about: The overarching “plot” as such is that a group of people are making a pilgrimage to Canterbury, and decide that to pass the time they will tell two stories each. Each story is told in-character, and whoever tells the best story has to...buy everybody dinner, or something? I don’t really recall. It’s a comedy, but it’s also unfinished because Chaucer bit off way more than he could chew.

Celes Ludenberg

“The Cask of Amontillado” by Edgar Allan Poe when i read it: 11th grade did i like it? probably, i’m a fan of Poe content warnings: drunkenness, murder about: This one got memetic on tumblr for a while, but essentially this guy decides to get revenge on an old friend of his for some kind of sleight by getting him drunk during Carnival, leading him into the basement, and burying him alive. Poe isn’t one to go soft.

Sakura Oogami

“A Very Old Man With Enormous Wings” by Gabriel Garcia Marquez when i read it: 10th grade did i like it? no content warnings: objectification, something akin to torture about: A family finds an old man with wings lying face-down on the ground and decide to keep him like a pet. People see him and assume he is an animal, and the family decides to start charging admission like their own private sideshow, while onlookers abuse him. One of those extra depressing stories that makes you wonder why the hell you had to read it for class.

Mukuro Ikusaba

The Crucible by Arthur Miller when i read it: the first time, probably in 6th or 7th grade, and then several more times after that for a variety of other classes. it’s a theatre and English class staple.  did i like it? when taken in context, yes. but i’m also fucking sick of reading it. content warnings: infidelity, paranoia bait, period-typical racism & sexism (takes place during the Salem Witch Trials) about: The plot is a witch hunt, in which a girl who had an affair with a married man claims to have been taken over by the spirit of the devil and that all her friends and a variety of other townsfolk have too. It follows the trials as they try to determine who is and is not guilty, who will repent for their sins, and thematically is about puritanical hysteria. It’s about the Red Scare of the 50s, surveillance, the Hollywood Blacklist, propaganda, and tyrannical government. Naturally, teachers fail to provide any context for the play that actually makes it relevant or interesting. Compare to modern day callout/cancel culture. 

Kyouko Kirigiri

12 Angry Men by Reginald Rose when i read it: 10th grade (although i’d already seen the movie) did i like it? yes content warnings: thematic classism & xenophobia about: The jury of a case in which a teenager is accused of murder convene to determine their verdict. All but one man believe him to be guilty. The rest of the play covers his attempts to sway his other jurors into at least casting aside their prejudices to view the case impartially.

Byakuya Togami

The Federalist Papers when i read it: summer before 12th grade for AP Gov. yikes. did i like it? oh god no. i had to have my lawyer dad explain it to me. content warnings: legalese and it’s boring as fuck about: i mean it’s just a bunch of essays to promote ratifying the the constitution. I don’t even remember if we read all of them. that’s how bad my retention of the subject is.

Toko Fukawa

The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka when i read it: 10th grade did i like it? kind of? content warnings: bugs, emotional abuse, depression about: A man awakens one day to find he has transformed into a giant cockroach. It’s a metaphor for his depression and what a burden he feels like to his family. If you read anything about Kafka’s life, you’ll understand why he was depressed.

Aoi Asahina

Hamlet by William Shakespeare when i read it: i’ve forgotten when my first time was because i’ve had to read it so constantly. if i had to wager a guess, i’d say middle school, though i’ve read it for fun, for drama class, and for English class. did i like it? yes content warnings: character death, suicidal ideation, incest vibes (depending on your interpretation) about: Hamlet, not over the early death of his father, is enraged that his mother has married his uncle. He’s really bringing everyone else down about it, and then he starts to see his father’s ghost on top of it all. No one’s sure if he’s just mad with grief or if the ghost is for real, but he starts making life for everyone else difficult when he decides to try and expose his uncle as his father’s murderer.

Yasuhiro Hagakure

Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller when i read it: 10th grade i think? did i like it? if i believed in book-burning, this would’ve been the first turned to ash in my trashcan content warnings: infidelity, mediocre white men with narcissism, suicide, not sure what else about: An aging father who thinks he was robbed of success by circumstances refuses to face facts that he is a loser by projecting his failures onto a son that now hates him and thinking real big of himself for a wash-out.

Junko Enoshima

Othello by William Shakespeare when i read it: college did i like it? it’s my favorite Shakepseare play, actually! content warnings: thematic racism/xenophobia/Islamophobia, domestic abuse, character death about: A tragedy centering around the planned downfall of Othello, Moor of Venice. He’s relatively well-respected for his heroics and generally being a pretty cool guy, but for whatever reason, Iago wants to see him suffer. And when I say “for whatever reason” - it’s because Iago never gives a consistent one, but at the end he admits the entire thing has been his orchestration and he’s had no issue exploiting peoples’ bigotry as a means to an end. One popular and pretty text-evident theory is that Iago is in love with Othello. But - causing a ruckus, bringing society to its knees, and torturing a man just for shits n giggles? Getting it all done by sheer power of charisma? That’s all Junko ever does.

Monokuma

1984 by George Orwell when i read it: 10th grade for fun, 12th grade for class did i like it? yes but i don’t recommend it. i like tedious shit. content warnings: paranoia bait, sexual themes, torture, probably other stuff i’m forgetting about: Classic dystopia lit in which the government controls the flow of information to the degree of creating its own language (”newspeak”) to explain the technology used to survey its citizens and distill history-changing propaganda. Especially relevant in an era of “fake news.” Where Big Brother Is Watching comes from. Extremely difficult to get into.

Hajime Hinata

Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck  when i read it: 10th grade did i like it? yeah content warnings: ableism, implied domestic abuse, character death, animal death, era-typical sexism (1930s) about: Very desolate and depressing novella about the futility of the American Dream to “make something of yourself”. Two farmhands, Lennie and George, arrive at a California farm seeking employment. They just want to earn enough money to open up a farm of their own - a rabbit farm - and things are all downhill from there. Well-written and one of Steinbeck’s shorter works.

Twogami

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald when i read it: 11th grade did i like it? yes! i loved it. but in the way that you love sleazy tabloid rag stories. content warnings: infidelity, car accidents, character death about: Stupidly rich people in New York in the 1920s being fake as hell. It’s about excess and decadence and the idea of having a rags-to-riches story, and it’s very homoerotic.

Teruteru Hanamura

Brave New World by Aldous Huxley when i read it: 10th grade did i like it? one of my top faves tbh content warnings: alcoholism & drug usage, thematic classism & racism (ie that’s the point), sexual themes, violence, non-graphic suicide (like literally the last sentence), character deaths about: You know how 1984 is a very pessimistic dystopia about government surveillance? Brave New World is like “what if everything was a utopia because of government interference?” It’s easier to get into than 1984. It’s about a man from the upper echelon of society discovering the dirty secret of how society is able to able to function the way it does, an outsider into his world to shake things up.

Mahiru Koizumi

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen when i read it: i dunno, summer between 9th and 10th grade maybe? did i like it? yes! i loved it. content warnings: there are a couple of guys who are sort of gross but there’s nothing that bad in it about: An upper-middle class family - more the mother than the father - trying to marry off the eldest of their five daughters. It’s largely character-driven and most of the plot focuses on Jane’s relationship with Bingley, Elizabeth’s relationship with Darcy, and the problems witch judging people based on first impressions.

Peko Pekoyama

Call of the Wild by Jack London when i read it: 9th grade did i like it? fuck no content warnings: graphic animal violence. if there’s other stuff i forgot because i fucking hated this book. about: I think it’s something like a dog getting lost in Alaska and has to learn to be a wolf in order to survive? It’s incredibly brutal and is one of those media where just reading it makes you feel cold. 

Hiyoko Saionji

The Glass Menagerie by Tennessee Williams when i read it: 10th grade did i like it? not really content warnings: man i don’t know, but it’s by Tennessee Williams so there’s probably alcoholism, daddy issues, and homophobia about: An overbearing mother embarrasses her son and disabled daughter when an old school friend comes to visit...I’m not sure if there’s more of a plot to it than that. Like most Williams works, it’s largely character-driven.

Ibuki Mioda

If On a Winter’s Night a Traveler by Italo Calvino when i read it: college did i like it? this is one of those rare exceptions in books where i read it, because i remember having a visceral reaction to it, but i can not for the life of me remember a single damn thing about it other than how stupidly difficult it was to read.  content warnings: it’s metaficiton. about: You are the protagonist. I genuinely can’t explain anymore than that.

Mikan Tsumiki

A Streetcar Named Desire by Tennessee Williams when i read it: 9th grade did i like it? not really, but i’d be willing to reread it content warnings: domestic abuse, rape about: Unstable Blanche DuBois goes to visit her sister, Stella, and meets her appalling husband Stanley. All Tennessee Williams plays seem to have a theme of family tragedy in them, with this being probably the most bleak example. 

Nekomaru Nidai

The Odyssey by Homer when i read it: 9th grade, then again in college for a classics class did i like it? yeah content warnings: your usual classical Greek-variety nonsense, including character death, infidelity, and partying. about: Odysseus attempts to make his way back home after the Trojan War, and has a time of it. Having pissed off Poseidon he’s gotten off-course and gotten lost another ten years, and had a whole slew of other adventures trying to make it back home and save his wife from the harassment she’s been getting since his disappearance.

Gundham Tanaka

The Tempest by William Shakespeare when i read it: 10th grade did i like it? not especially content warnings: thematic colonialism & racism...not sure what else but it’s hard as fuck to read. try reading it out loud & acting along to it. about: I didn’t totally get it but there’s something about a wizard having been banished and now people are coming back to find him for some reason? the people who exiled him & his brother & daughter have crash-landed on his island and now he might get his revenge. Thanks, TVTropes! All I remember is discussing in one class about how The Tempest managed to predict the “finding” of America and how the English would treat the native peoples. It’s a “romance”, which in that day and age meant it was about magic. Influenced some science fiction works like Brave New World (the title of which comes from a line spoken by Miranda). I should probably reread it.

Nagito Komaeda

The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger when i read it: 8th grade for fun did i like it? yeah content warnings: implied pedophilia. i’m sure there’s other stuff but i don’t remember it well enough. about: Perennial troublemaker Holden Caulfield is kicked out of boarding school, and takes a hell of a long time getting home from the place as he complains about his declining mental state, hypocrisy, and loss of innocence. It’s one of those books you either really love or really hate, and has been repeatedly challenged because Holden swears too much and might be bisexual.

Chiaki Nanami

Pygmalion by George Bernard Shaw when i read it: 12th grade, i think did i like it? yes content warnings: classism about: A linguistics professor makes a bet with a friend that he can take any lower-class citizen and teach them to speak formal English, well enough to pass them off as aristocracy to other rich people. It’s the plot upon which the musical My Fair Lady is based, although it was intended as a deconstruction of the kind of plot whose trope it now codifies.

Sonia Nevermind

“Lamb to the Slaughter” by Roald Dahl when i read it: 10th grade did i like it? yeah! content warnings: infidelity, character death about: A guy comes home and tells his heavily pregnant wife that he’s been having an affair, and he’s leaving her. She doesn’t take it well. I won’t spoil the rest of it, as it’s a short story, but it’s fun to keep in mind that it’s be the same guy who wrote classics such as Matilda and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Kazuichi Souda

A Midsummer Night’s Dream by William Shakespeare when i read it: 8th grade for a book report and then again in....i don’t know. i’ve had to read it a lot. did i like it? sure, it’s got some pretty great insults content warnings: men being douchebags including stalker-y behavior, and a woman falls in love with a man who has a donkey’s head (it doesn’t last) about: Hermia & Lysander are planning to run away to get married because Hermia’s father doesn’t approve of Lysander, and she’s trying to dodge the affections of Demetrius - the man to whom she has been betrothed, because he’s an ass who, among other things, slept with her friend Helena and then ditched her. Which Helena is still hung up on, even though he’s a gross creep. At the same time, a group of actors are trying to get together a play for an upcoming royal wedding, and the King of the Faeries is trying to win back his wife. This all connects because a faerie decides to fuck around.

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu

The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier when i read it: college, for an independent study did i like it? yeah content warnings: graphic violence, i think some homophobia? about: Kids and staff at a private school take a candy sale way too damn seriously. There’s basically a mafia at the school and some sort of weird popularity contest and hazing going on. 

Akane Owari

“The Most Dangerous Game” by Richard Connell when i read it: 9th grade did i like it? i guess so content warnings: human hunting about: A man finds himself shipwrecked on an island, and is then hunted for sport. No, really.

Monomi

East of Eden by John Steinbeck when i read it: technically i’m in the middle of it right now, but that counts, right? did i like it? so far, i guess i do, but it’s mainly i care character who comes up later. couldn’t give less of a shit about adam trask, full offense content warnings: period-typical sexism & racism (set around the turn of the 20th century and published in 1952), implied pedophilia (that gets incredibly glossed over), ableism about: A combination of heavy-handed religious allegory (Steinbeck really just can’t cool it with the Cain and Abel theme naming) and family tree history. Follows the Trask family through Adam’s childhood, tumultuous relationship with his brother, even worse relationship with his wife, and horrible parenting of his children. The end (which is what the film adaptation covers) is more centered on his son Cal Trask grappling with the idea that he might be evil because of his genetics, or something. I think that’s an argument you could make of Monomi, being related to Monokuma (or at least, how i’m sure she’d feel).

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Day 6 without sculpting...

In a way it’s weird I miss sculpting so much. This near daily sculpting is actually a relatively recent thing for me.

Actually, for about the first 20 years of my life I can count every time I sculpted on my fingers.

My father inspired my first sculpting. Before I was born he’d dug some clay out of the river bank and sculpted a little baseball sized head with marbles for eyes. It facinated me, so at about four I dug some clay out of a ditch and tried to sculpt two full figures. I let them dry on a plank in the summer sun....and they crumbled. Amazingly, one of the heads survives to this day.

In kindergarten we had a cool teacher with his own kiln. Technically he had us making little pots. I used the scrap and made a little alien head with big almost Mickey Mouse ears that he glazed for me and a little alien with loops for arms that I colored with crayons. He left at the end of the year, takng his kiln with him. 

In second grade the new teacher had us make dough art angels. This was an “everyone copy the teacher” deal, so no real self expression. Let me tell you, dough art does not last in this climate. That angel no longer existed within a year. 

My parents gave me some plasticine type clay for my 10th birthday. Unfortunately that sort of clay never can be made hard, and I really wanted something that would “stay”. I barely used it.

When I was in 9th grade the art class had a paper mache project. Or at least they called it that. Really it was a structure out of wire, newspaper and masking tape covered with plaster bandages. I made a dragon, Lockheed from the X-Men in fact, but that was that. No way could I get the plaster bandages myself, and I didn’t care for the rough surfaces.

And that was that for growing up.

The weird thing is, I actually was always drawn to sculpting, but it never occured to me I should sculpt. I loved physical objects that depicted living things and always noticed when stories included sculpting. Heck, I even started writing a fantasy story involving a sculptor and magical sculptures. But actual sculpting wasn’t even a daydream.

And then one day my hands got bored. It was an unusual day, a day off while Pop was away. Free time meant I could do what I wanted. In this case it was to watch a movie (The Brothers Karamazov), read a book (don’t remember what), read a magazine (dunno) and listen to music (forget what)....all at the same time...

Yeah, I’m like that. Always wanting to do several things at once.

 There I was, sitting on the floor, all these things around me, and I noticed my hands were bored. Because hands do get bored. Mine do anyway. Just ask them! Pop had some boxes of clay he’d bought for a project but ended up with some left over. On a whim I decided to try sculpting with this “proper” clay.

I made a little bust, a woman with a flower in her hair and a beastie lying round her shoulders. If you look up pics of it (all my sculpting that exists is on my blog) you will see how crude it is, but at the time I was pleased. I’d expected sculpting to be hard, but this was easy!

But we didn’t have a kiln. Well, Pop had one somewhere out in the shop, but he didn’t know where, didn’t have time to look, and wasn’t keen on me pawing around when it was probably behind some unmovable things.

So that was that all over again, the old problem of wanting to sculpt something that would stay.

And then I discovered sculpey!

Now you would think this would kick off constant sculpting, but it was more fitful at first. The trouble was, I did not want to be watched sculpting. I just wanted to goof around with it, stress free. So what I did was sculpt every time I was guaranteed a solid hour to myself. I’d usually go stand on the ramp outside, sculpey in one hand and an old dull pairing knife in the other and sculpt.  

This is probably why I sculpt so quickly even now. Back then I just wanted to do it unseen, baking as soon as there was anything at all I liked about it. Now fast sculpting is just secnd nature.

After a bit I branched out, making ornaments and getting roped into making a dollhouse doll for a cousin. I also made several dolls that scale for fun and gifts for my family. I also pleased the four year old me by making a Sleestak from memory. I experimented with gluing a face on one of the boxes I’d painted. (Painting boxes was a thing for me for years)  I started running out if space for the busts so I started making magnets and lining all the metal bookcases in my bedroom with faces. 

But during all that I could go weeks, even months, without sculpting. I’d paint boxes. I’d write. But all these things shared a little space of free time. 

We were busy. The fiberglassing business took a heck of a lot of work. There were all sorts of organizations, causes, meetings I tagged along to, obligations to my family. Making takes time, even if it’s just an hour, and back then I never had insomnia so working after everyone went to bed wasn’t an option.

Still, I made things right along until the weirdness happened. For a several years I had a creative block. 

Totally. 

Completely.

 I didn’t sculpt. Didn’t paint boxes. Didn’t write stories. I didn’t even dream at night.

It was hellish. 

I can’t tell you why it happened. I can’t even tell you why it ended. All I can tell you is was if my imagination started to reawaken in 2012, a year that at that time I thought was one of the worst in my life. It started with a painted box here and there. Slowly.

Then 2013 happened, the terrible year of Pop’s illness that made the bad things of 2012 seem pale in comparison. Suddenly I was dreaming, dreaming in overdrive in fact. The dreams  I was churning out boxes as fast as I could paint them to “exorcise” those dreams. The dreams occupied my mind constantly. At night they were like serialized stories night after night, during the day I was like an obsessed fangirl disecting and rerunning her favorite show that just happened to be created by my subconscious.

This frantic box painting lasted until the last stages of Pop’s illness, when it stopped. I haven’t painted a box since. 

In mid to late 2014, the year Pop died, the cousin I made the Beast doll for sent me a letter. Actually, now that I think about it, it was the last time I heard from her. She said she’s shown the doll to someone she knew that had a dollhouse collector store and they said I had talent, that in fact it was as good as many professional dolls. The cousin suggested, now that our fiberglassing business was gone I should take up doll making.

It sounded reasonable, though I completely doubted that “talent” part. But there were problems with this plan. I hadn’t sculpted in several years and didn’t know if I still could. I wanted to make fully jointed dolls, but making them by hand out of sculpey would be tricky to master. Everything I made (and make) is one of a kind and feels like a part of me, so parting with them would be painful. I needed to figure out how make it easier on myself.

I mean, there is a reason I jokingly call my sculpting “making friends”.

And so I got to work. I decided to use my werewolf box as inspiration, figuring that with these wolf people I could make them enough alike it would be easier to part with them, but enough different I wouldn’t get bored. I could learn to make mold from them, and then selling wouldn’t hurt.

This is when I think my sculpting addiction really began. Instead of sculpting occasionally I was sculpting most nights, and would stay up late when making the bodies.

This period of experimentation lasted for a few months, long enough for me to suffer the disapointment of being an outsider exhibiting at an art show with my odd fantasy dolls. I actually WAS making progress. I liked a few of the dolls snd thought in a few more months I’d be ready to go to the next stage, I even bought molding and casting materials to learn to use...

And the floor collapse happened. This started an ever increasing cascade of disasters that continues to this day.

At first I thought the interuption was temporary. By the end of 2015 I’d be back at learning to make dolls...

Obviously this didn’t happen. For months I kept making heads for future doll experiments, complete with metal loops for stringing them on. I even built a storage box to keep them all in. Eventually the room with the box started to go, so I “temporarily” moved it to the other house. It’s there still.

By then I had a sculpting habit. I needed to sculpt. My fingers would twitch around sculpey. Mom would laugh at how on nights where I didn’t sculpt my eyes would dart to the sculpey every few seconds. She would tease me about it calling to me, but it’s sort of right. In 2015 sculpting had become something that I constantly felt I should be doing. 

To be honest, the addiction aspect has only gotten worse with time. 

When Mom was here there were more nights I didn’t sculpt, and if I started sculpting as she went to bed she’d remind me not to stay up late. Since her stroke and her going to stay with my brother I’ve been alone. Alone to watch movies and sculpt, with no socializing to distract me and no one to tell me to stop. 

Now the nights I don’t sculpt are rare (see last November when I sculpted more faces than there even were days in that month because I sculpted more than one a couple nights). The faces stick with me less though, to the point that when I post pics a month later I have actually forgotten many of them already.

I don’t do anything with these faces. I sculpt them quickly, photograph them, wrap them in tissues and throw them into one of the storage boxes I have for them. Those boxes have literally hundreds of faces by this point.

I shouldn’t NEED to sculpt.

 I have spent more days of my life not sculpting than sculpting. I have sculpted more faces in the last year than most people do in a life time. Ignoring the fluke of the one face I sold, I don’t profit by it in any way.

The sculpting is a compulsion, an impulse I can’t resist. I feel a weird guilt and unease when I don’t sculpt. It hasn’t even been a full week without sculpting and it’s driving me nuts. Believe me, I know it’s ridiculous! 

[phandomficfests]

Writer’s Corner: phloridas

Introductions 

First things first, tell us a little about yourself. Hi, I’m Claire! I’m 22 years old, from Illinois, and like most 20-somethings, have no idea what I’m doing with my life. Things have been been pretty turbulent these last few years, as I started college studying Elementary Education but transferred schools a couple years ago to study Creative Writing. I had recently fallen in love with writing all over again and wanted to improve my craft/possibly work with books as a career. That school, however, wasn’t a great fit for me and after months of struggling, I dropped out last October and have been slowly putting myself back together since. I’m now hoping to transfer again to a school closer to home to finish my Elementary Ed degree, as I really do have a passion for teaching and children and thoroughly enjoyed those classes when I was taking them. So fingers crossed things can work out there! :)

How long have you been writing for?  I wrote and posted my first phanfiction in October 2016 but if you’re talking fanfiction in general, my first ever fic was a terrible Glee one that I scribbled in my 9th grade biology notebook in the spring of 2012 and thankfully never posted anywhere. I’ve also been writing original stories and keeping journals on and off since I was 6--which is a really long time, now that I’m thinking about it!

Tell us about your current project. Ok! I’m currently working on a few things: first is my PRB, second is a fic I was commissioned to write for the Phandom Gives charity drive and the third is a much longer thing I’ve been working on for about a year now, where Dan and Phil are telling the story of their lives and releasing it as a book for their 10th anniversary, and dealing with all the emotions that arise from all that—so basically my fever dream for 2019, which feels more possible than ever now in this post-coming out universe.0 unread message

What is your current word count?  245,379 or 259,014 counting my wips! (Damn, I wish I had that much in dollars lmao)

Questions on Writing

Do you try to write daily? Do you have a word count or other goals you try to hit for each writing session? As long as my mental health is decent and I’m not sick or anything, I try to write every day! I haven’t had a word count goal for a while but recently, I’ve started using a word count tracker and it’s been amazing to see my progress through that! My base goal is normally 500 words but if I’m not working that day, I try to go for 1k or to the end of whatever scene I’m working on.

How do you feel about the arguments against real person fic? I totally understand why some people may be uncomfortable reading it--I personally hate talking about it, even with my closest irl friends--but I don’t think anyone should tell someone what they can and can’t write. Does it sometimes feel weird, especially after seeing them at TATINOF and II and meeting them at II? Sure, but it helps that dnp themselves are cool about it. For me, writing is all about getting these stories out of my head, and it just so happens that all my stories feature Dan and Phil. So yeah, I’m gonna write and post them no matter what anyone else says.

What challenges you most in your writing? Myself. Much like Dan, my perfectionism makes me my own harshest critic and so many times, has completely destroyed my productivity. I also have a really bad habit of comparing myself to others, which only got worse after I started taking writing classes and saw just how talented some of my peers were. However, after speed writing most of my last fic in the two weeks before its posting date and seeing the amazing response that’s gotten, I’ve gained a lot more confidence in my writing abilities and don’t overthink as much, which has been really nice!

What's your favorite piece of feedback you've ever gotten? All the comments on my most recent fic, an act of infinite optimism, have been incredible and I’m SO happy it got such a good response! I was a bit hesitant about it, as it’s from Dan’s mum’s point of view and seeing as I’m not a mother myself (and currently have no interest in becoming one), I wasn’t sure how well it would resonate. But I think reading Michelle Obama’s memoir helped a lot, since her story helped me see exactly what being a working mom is like, which gave me so much more empathy for moms everywhere. And people have said this fic resonates well with them, whether or not they’re a mom themselves, which is so amazing to hear!

What do you think makes a good story? I’m quite easy to please so honestly, if the author has put lots of love and hard work into a story, I’m so here for it! But some of my favorite stories are the ones that focus most on character development and that follow the characters through an emotional journey. Basically, if your premise is Dan and Phil talking about their feelings and learning more about themselves in the process, it’s an automatic yes from me. Like I said, I’m not picky :)

How do you balance writing for yourself vs. writing what people want to read? Honestly, it’s not something I think about all that much? If I have an idea I really like, there’s a 95% chance I’ll write it just so I can get it out of my head. And normally what people want to read is the kind of thing I want to write (like my take on the 2017 Lester family Christmas, which was super well received), so it works out quite well! 

What inspired whatever you’re currently working on? For my current wip (the one I’ve been working on since August), I actually was inspired by Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl and its use of excerpts from Cath’s fics or the Simon Snow books before each chapter. As a dnp tell all book is something I’ve dreamed of for years, it occured to me that I could write that book, or little bits of it anyway, and the story of how that book gets created! And maybe confronting their past selves will allow dnp to move on with the rest of their lives, finally settling down and living their domestic dreams! So beyond the initial idea, the rest is pretty much all the hopes and dreams I had for 2019 before the reality of this year came crashing down on us all :D

What is your ideal writing environment? Literally, in my bed, snuggled under the covers. I don’t have a desk in my room and don’t feel comfortable writing anywhere else so 99% of my it happens here, on my semi-functional laptop. Or hastily typed out on my phone whilst hiding behind a large clothing display at work, but idk if I would call that ideal lmao

Don’t forget that you can check out Claire on tumblr at @phloridas or on AO3 here. If you’d like to be on the list for a Writer’s Corner feature, sign up here!

[boy-porridge-vent]

Day 1

***Trigger Warning for most of this post!*** :(

 New vent account, I just have a lot to get off my chest, not right now per-say but in general, a lot has happened and I’m not coping well.

To start off, I’ve relapsed into self harm again

Not only cutting, but nearly everything I was able to get myself to stop doing.

 * I’ve begun to cut again, it’s now to the point where it gets deeper & messier each time I have a panic attack/breakdown (whatever the difference is).

* Im scratching & biting a lot more

* Punching myself until I bruise

* Weighing myself constantly, about 3-10 times a day, it’s in secret though since the scale is kinda hidden in my basement ever since my parents took it away

* Ive begun to check calories & count them. Before this past month, Ive never done this before & now it’s almost like a nervous habit! :(

* I’ve relasped into my an*rexia urges again. I’ve been having trouble with my body image & eating since about 5th grade; not to get too personal, but my mom was & still is hard on me, always called me ugly or fat because of an early puberty that made my body change quickly in a pretty gross way. Had a lot of acne since 4th grade;;; anyways, because of all that, and finding Onision, I was obsessed with his UhOhBro channel around 5th grade & took some of his more serious videos related to starvation & self harm to mind and tried it on myself because, despite him having a stone-cold hatred for it, I was a dumb kid and didn’t listen. So yeah, 5th grade I would starve myself or eat very little; 6th grade I kinda stopped but struggled with my clothing choice/identity more; 7th grade I struggled with gender; 8th grade was when an*rexia came back, more severely than ever, but it happened in short bursts over a few months, I also started cutting but very rarely; 9th I was much more happy & settled down just a bit, really figured out who I was; 10th things weren’t exactly the best, cutting came back & began to be more frquent but not deep; 11th was the worst, I’ve now been eating very little ever since school started, first day back wasnt exactly the best & I ended up cutting again for the first time in months moments after I got home.

 A lot more has happened since then and it’s only gotten worse. I don’t know what to do anymore

I don’t mean for any of this to make anybody upset or possibly relapse/get urges themselves when reading all this, I get so sad when I see others struggling too, I always try to help any of my friends or even random people online if they post a vent. I love bein there to support & help, even help get people to come out of serious relapses! But when it comes to myself, I tend to feel no pity, like I deserve this. There’s something wrong with me in my head, this has been gong on for years, every year feels worse than before, and yet everytime Ive gone to my dad, principles, teachers, or school counselors, they never help! They tell me off, saying Im fine, I dont need a therapist because therapists are scammers, or that I just need to be more positive & get over it.

Ive been told this for years, so maybe… it’s just me who’s to blame. Im the only one who sees what’s happening because it’s not really a big deal. I just make it seem wore than it is in my head. I have friends who care & ask if Im okay, ask if they can help, but honestly they cant help. They can support & I’ll vent to them but it doesn’t fix anything, I vent but it doesn’t fix my mind or my empty stomach or my hand reaching for my same used razor. Nothing has helped and I’m worried that after a while Im going to end up killing myself, whether it’s on purpose or it happens on accident when I go too deep. I have a lot I wish to do in my life, but at the same time, with all this shit that’s happened and how my life feels as if it keeps getting worse everyday, I will admit that at this point if I DID die, I guess I wouldn’t be too upset. I am scared of what will happen after death, nobody knows what happens, but I know that I am legally an organ donor, and I do have part of my will typed up in the case that I do die suddenly one day, so I guess it isn’t too bad.

I will be honest, Ive never been exactly suicidal before, but these past 4 months I think I’ve been legitamately suicidal and ready to go whenever I have a breakdown. Everytime I relapse I think of just ending it all right then and there, but then pussy out because I think about my few friends, my followers on other social media, my pets, my plants, and other people I wish to change the lives of in the future. I want to adopt a kid someday and give them what I didn’t get, treat them as I wished to be treated, help them grow up into the person I wish I had by my side growing up. They’d be my child, I’d be their parent, but we’d also be best friends. I wanted to start my own show, my own comic, my own booth at cons, meet so many people, get married, do music, so many things

but honestly, I don’t think I’ll live much longer after my senior year of highschool. I’m planning on finishing this year out, trying to finish my senior year, graduate, then I’ll leave this Earth with a bang. Maybe literally, or maybe through some other way of suicide, I don’t know. I might even do it sometime before I graduate. Not to make people sad, not for attention and pity, but because I can’t continue on like this, and I want the people who’ve wronged me to see what they did. I want those who refused to help, even when I was in front of them screaming & begging them to get me some kind of therapy or help, to see what they caused. I want them to see that I wasn’t just some sensitive crybaby that needed to get over himself, I want them to see that mental illness can run rampant in anybody & they need to be open to helping those who really need it.

 Ive been through so much. Ive been bullied, made fun of by my own mother, neglected by her, pysically/emotionally/mentally/VERBALLY/and even sexually abused by an ex partner of mine, Ive been literally harrassed, Ive been used solely for sex by nearly every single ex of mine, Ive been manipulated/guilt tripped/gas-lighted/made to feel as if my abuse was my fault, Ive been punished by my school for being abused by my ex! Yet everyone who has ever hurt me in these ways always got away with it scott-free. Why? I have no idea. I like to say that they’re let off the hook because I don’t come to school with black eyes, broken bones, bruises, and mascara running down my face. Abuse is abuse, it doesn’t have to have visible signs. Yet, mine does. I have self harm wounds, not because I blame them for making me self harm (as one of my exes once did), but because of trauma I still deal with that stemmed from their treatment of me. I have nightmares about my ex and her treatment toward me. I get SCARED when my mom comes home. I get nervous walking into school. I hate being touhed physically because it reminds me of so many people from the past getting physical and leaving me in the dirt afterward, even when I trusted them with everything. I hate saying I love you to anybody because of how little it means when others say it to me. Many partners would send hearts & “I love you"s, then throw me out like I was garbage.

I’m so tired of it all.

But maybe it’s all my fault. Maybe Im the problem. Im too quiet. Im too much of a pacifist. I hate confrontation. I hate violence. I hate hating people. If Im hurt by someone, even being abused, I always forgive and let them back in, and I get hurt again over and over. But on the rare chance that I dont forgive, when I do hate them with every cell in me, then for some reason, I can’t get them away, I can’t get them out of my life. They’re always around as a constantly reminder of what happened and how I was used and how I will never change, I’ll never be able to stick up for myself.

 if all that is going to happen in my life involves me being used for sex, money, or compliments to make others feel higher about themselves, then I don’t want to be around anymore. But I can’t just kill myself on a whim and call it a day.

I wouldn’t exactly say this is why I self harm, my self harm isn’t a choice, it just… kind of happens. It’s an addiction; scientifically, it has been proven to have addictive tendencies, which is why it’s so hard to stop once you’ve started/relapsed. I self harm because it’s an addiction that I can’t help, and becaue of bottled up, unresolved trauma that gets worse with every new day that I keep it bottled up for.

 This isn’t going to get better. Sorry for typing out so much too. I have an issue with piling all my thoughts and how I feel into multiple huge paragraphs, so there’s much more of that to come.

Also to come, weight updates & keeping track of what I eat/how long I can go with no food whatsoever. So far I’ve gone about 1/ maybe 2??? days straight, though I stayed home today so I did have to eat dinner, which caused me to gain 1 pound. But I lost 4.5 pounds in that day of not eating, so I can lose that 1 pound pretty quickly. Plus my metabolism is very very fast, so even if I did eat a lot I’d lose all that weight in a few hours/a day or two, depending on how much I ate.

This is day 1 of my further decline.

September 01, 2019

[etudias]

(Edit: I am aware of the typo in the title, it should be experience)

Hi there, my name is Alessandra and I am going to tell y’all about how the whole college application process went for me. I think my experience ended a little differently than most, or at least most that people will share. It honestly took a lot for me to feel comfortable posting this so I really hope that it will help someone out there. It is however a very long post, so I am going to break it up into sections, feel free to read only what you need/want.

1. Researching Schools

I got excited for college. I was excited to go to college for as long as I can remember and was looking up different schools on site’s like the college board one, bigfuture, which by the way, I recommend, since probably 10th grade. So come Junior year I had a bunch of schools I was interested in. I ended up visiting a few in Boston over spring break that year. I visited Harvard, MIT, and Boston University (clearly my sights were set high). I did not really think it was that important to visit colleges, and that I should just visit the ones I got into to help decide (I now know that college visits can actually really help you get into a top school). The summer before senior year I worked hard to narrow down my list. I ended up with 12 schools that I applied to. This may seem like a lot to some, or not many at all to others. Most people I know applied to more like 5-8, but I know some people who applied to 20+, you gotta do what’s right for you. I wanted to apply to more honestly, but based on costs that is the number my mother and I agreed upon.

2. The Schools

Okay so in alphabetical order here are the schools I applied to:

Barnard College

Brown University

Carnegie Mellon University

Case Western Reserve University

Duke University

Georgia Institute of Technology

Harvard University

Massachusetts Institute of Technology 

Stanford

University of California - Berkeley

University of Georgia

University of Pennsylvania

So, some reasoning on my choices. I heard someone say something that I fully agreed with, and after everything still do. That you should apply to as many reach schools as you can because it raises the chances of getting into just one. So with that I applied to a bunch of reaches, a few meets, and 1 safety. The one safety school I decided on was because it was in state and in my state if you have a 3.75+ GPA and some other requirements, you get full tuition to in state schools and I knew that given the money, there was really no other school that I could consider a safety school that I would choose over it. I still stand by this choice.

3. My Stats 

You are probably going to ask this and I’ve decided to be upfront and tell you because why the heck not. I sent in ACT scores, not SAT (although I did take it). I got a 32 (33 English, 33 Reading, 35 Science, 28 Math), I should have spent more time studying for the math as that score never changed, but it was my 3rd time taking the test and I was over it, my goal had been a 33, but to me that was close enough because I was tired. My GPA was a 3.875 unweighted and a 4.063 weighted. My school did not offer many AP courses, I took all that I could with the exception of 2 history courses that I had strong reasons for not taking and when I had my Harvard interview and I talked with the lady about it, she wholeheartedly agreed and said that as the counselor of her private school she even made her school stop offering those courses, so yeah I feel pretty valid about that. (Ended up taking 7 AP’s if you are curious about which ones, they are on my about page) I basically got all A’s in my academics, my B’s came from some arts classes and health, I know, I know. I’m going to briefly mention my school in this section because it is sort of related. I went to a public arts high school that is ranked number 2 in the state for academics and 75th in the nation. It was extremely rigorous.

4. Extracurricular’s and other application stuff

I was very involved. I participated in theater for all 5 years (my school was 8-12). I did technical theater and by 10th grade was crew head for shows and in 11th grade I worked every show (which at my school was a lot). Senior year I became a stage manager which is a big responsibility and sort of like being a president of a club, but even more responsibility. I calculated the hours I spent with theater junior year alone, 300 hrs. I was also very involved in orchestra, all 5 years. My school has 4 orchestra levels, the first two comprising the lower orchestra, 3&4 comprising the higher level orchestra, based on skill level, not age. I was in orchestra 2 for 8th and 9th grade, orchestra 3 for 10th and 11th grade, and orchestra 4 for senior year, orchestra 4 was a big deal, with only 11 members and you played not only in the higher level orchestra but also the touring orchestra. Lots of hours. I also played in my county’s honor’s orchestra for 2 years. I was on the executive board (basically president) of my schools National Honor Society (our school only opens it to seniors, so I was only in it for 1 year). I was part of Beta Club for 4 years. I was a math tutor. I founded a Girls Who Code club at my school and taught it. I was in our award winning mock trial for 2 years. I was a member of my schools Gay Straight Alliance. I babysat all throughout high school. I did more than that but this is already long enough and you can tell that basically, I was a try hard.

   Let’s talk about summers. The summer after 10th grade I went to a 7 week long summer immersion program for coding called Girls Who Code. The summer after junior year I went to a week long orchestra camp, then my states Governor’s Honor’s program, which in my state is very prestigious and hard to get into (I think its like a 10% acceptance rate). I was a software engineering major and a math minor there. (Those are really the summers that count, but all other summers I went to orchestra camp)

   More application stuff, I had a fair amount of school awards as well as the aforementioned Governor’s Honor’s. I got recommendations from my pre calculus teacher, who I founded a Girls Who Code club with, and my world history/ap psych teacher. They both loved me and I’m sure wrote great recommendations (with the exception of UGA where I did not send any). All the schools I had interviews with went extremely well. I was a legacy for Duke. I had an alumni friend write an AMAZING letter of rec for CMU. I felt my essays were strong (and checked by 3 or so people).

   My major: I basically applied everywhere as a computer science major. I felt good about this with the way I spent my summers, some of my extracurricular, and classes I chose to take. I wrote a fair amount of essays about this and I feel as though my applications demonstrated the work I had put into bringing more people (especially women) into STEM, specifically cs, and my interests and knowledge of cs.

5. The Decisions

Finally the good part right? Well at least for you readers. I’ll go in order of the decisions (although towards the end I forget the order a bit because it was tech week and show weeks for my schools biggest production, I was busy) and add some commentary on some. (All regular decision unless otherwise noted)

MIT (Early Action) - rejected, it hurt a little being my first, but not unexpected

Case Western (Early Action) - deferred, then waitlisted, then rejected, everyone from my school got the exact same decisions from them and there were people from the bottom of my class to the very top lol

University of Georgia - accepted, oh boy I cried because finally thank goodness somewhere at least

Georgia Tech - waitlisted, then rejected, this one still stings, people with all around weaker applications from my school got in that applied early. the acceptance rate dropped from 40% to 8% between early and regular, biggest regret is not applying here early, once I was waitlisted here I felt for sure I wouldn’t get in anywhere else

Barnard College - waitlisted, still waiting to hear. at this point i just felt like I was getting waitlisted everywhere

Harvard - rejected, expected as are basically the rest of these

U Penn - rejected 

Brown - rejected

UC Berkeley - rejected

Duke - rejected, but damn that letter I’m still mad about, like the fact the I got rejected was unsurprising at that point, but they sent me 3 long paragraphs of rejection bc I was a legacy saying how sorry they were and how many times they reconsidered my application. One sentence would have been better.

Stanford - rejected

CMU - rejected, and man I knew it was coming but it was the last school I heard from, my last hope, and it was closing day for my last school musical, this was a bad day, not so much for this one school but just the process in general

6. Reflections

So I got into 1 school, yup just 1. My safety school that’s it. Let me tell you I was devastated, not over any particular school, but that I didn’t get into any others. I ate 4 donuts and cried a whole lot the day of that last rejection. I got really REALLY stuck on the fact that I would only ever read that one acceptance letter, that one congratulations. I moped around and was sad and upset with my self and full of regrets like why did I not apply to more schools, it was a bad time. But let me tell you that time really showed my what good some friends could be, friends really helped me through that. Even though I had only one school I waited till the last minute to commit. So yes, fall 2018 UGA here I come, go dawgs! (and really its not a bad school, especially the honors program) I worked really hard to get myself excited for this school and as much as I am, with the major I want to go into, I know it is in my best interests to transfer, no matter how much I do not like the idea of transferring (its a good school don’t get me wrong, just not the best for my major). I am still trying to come to terms with the idea of transferring and honestly this whole process in general. I do not think I would have done things much differently, I put my best into my applications, honestly if I changed anything I would have just applied to more schools and probably only more reaches or meet/reaches at that. I have come to accept the decisions (mostly, I still get quite down about it from time to time). It was an odd year for decisions at my school in general. We usually send a good amount of students to top top schools like ivies and the equivalent, but this year no one got into any, heck our valedictorian is going to UGA too. (I think it has something to do with our class being super strong overall, 50% had a 4.0+ weighted, so therefore none of us really stood out) So yeah it really freaking hurts only getting into one school, I’m pretty sure I went through all the stages of grief, but now I am in acceptance and just getting excited for college!! and I am SO EXCITED

   If anyone has any questions about this process, my inbox is open.

[sightsspring]

18012019 | 001 - hi

i’m trying to write on this blog to keep track of my well-being since i would be in 11th grade next year. now, that may not sound as interesting(?) or intriguing to you but coming from a country who had just shifted from a ten-year grade school to a twelve-year one, it’s kind of hard for me since i was eventually supposed to be moving to another country, to my home country, and study from eleventh grade and college there (and eventually find a job in the future).

and so, here i am, spawning a new blog after deleting the previously anime-filled and yaoi-infested blog i had prior. i’ll just go by “mikki” as that is what my internet friends call me. i’m currently a 10th grader with just three months of school left until i graduate move up to eleventh grade in a different school.

next year, i’ll be going for the STEM strand. half of my friends, it’s just the four of us if i exclude the group that one of my friends are in, will be taking HUMSS and the other, i’m not so sure, but she’s been reading up a lot about law so that makes it the three of them in HUMSS. quite sad, but i never really involved myself that much with them.

this school year, i noticed that i haven’t involved myself in a lot of shit, which is quite impressing, if i were to be honest with you considering the fact that there was no school year in which i wasn’t involved in one. but i became more honest with myself, and to a lot of people excluding my parents, more than i was four/five years ago. i’d like to attribute that happening to the contest i absolutely cringed at but ended up hyping people. it was a rap battle, not exactly a ‘battle’ or some sort where we’d be talking shit about each other (or our schools because all our schools are shit) but a competition in which we will memorize the poem made by a poet and then we’d have to “improvise” the rap with a band. i ended up winning and hyping people and shit, and honestly, as a person who lives for people’s praise, hearing them getting hyped up over my rap that i wouldn’t really call a rap had me living.

so, anyways, back to the reason on why i created this blog again! my parents are very much asian. haha, cue in the stereotypes but yeah, i don’t think that they’re really taking mental illnesses seriously (told them once i have depression and they brushed it off) and i’d like to have an outlet to let out all the shit i’m carrying in me because if there’s one thing i learned from me helping out my friends when they’re down, it’s to let out emotions and not keep them in, otherwise, it’ll kill you slowly. it’s a great advice, really, and it keeps me afloat.

also, i created this blog because the classroom i’m in is an incredibly toxic one. i have never seen a class more divided than them and may i remind you that we are twenty-six in the sole class of 10th grade. when i was in 9th grade (our whole class of nine transferred to another school since it’s on shutdown), even if most of the class aren’t that close with each other, there’s a mutual understanding that each and every one of us are very sleepy and would like to sleep on a pile on the floor. but in this class, goodness.

i’m a transferee. i’m new to their school. but somehow, they, the old and new students (my classmates), thought that it was a great idea to make me the president of the class and elect someone from the school as the vice president. when i first came there, i was really not aiming in involving myself with classroom elections with nominations as well as signing up for the student council but sadly those aforementioned student politics shit happened to me and i immediately knew that i regretted transferring there. i got elected as president and i ran for the position of secretary in the student council just for the sake of having the other woman have someone to be against with. i got responsibility so i might as well fucking deal with it.

so far, the school year is going kinda well. it’s stressful since we’re almost graduating moving up to 11th grade but it’s been going well so far. me, the student council president (who is also a 10th grader but is already 21, who am i to judge, my woman is getting her education), and the mother of the class are currently preparing for the foundation day of our school which got moved to the month of february (not that long but it gives us more time). we’re preparing for a musical that hopefully doesn’t turn in to a competition since they have specifically said that we are just going to showcase a story but the 9th graders picked the greatest showman so it’s already clear that it’s going to be a competition. i pray that things go well.

it’s late now, two o’ clock in the morning and we still have a friday church service tomorrow. goodbye!

[annamariawrites]

When I was in the 9th grade...

I thought that I was gay.

And it turns out I am. That’s how I have identified for quite a while now. I am sexually and romantically attracted to women. I can’t see myself with a boy or ever desiring to be with a boy.  

It was there long before 9th grade. There was something inside for me that knew, even when I didn’t know and was in denial...

When I was younger I used to not feel “normal”...whatever “normal” meant. I have some vague early memories. One time at dinner I said “I’m a boy” and my older sister said “No you’re not!” I know I’m not. I’m a girl. But that confused me. The whole concept of gender confused me. What was the difference between boys and girls? Besides...you know. I learned that when my little brother was born. Until then it had just been me and my sister. The 3 year old me thought everyone had the same private parts. So yeah I found out what a penis was... and it kinda scared me to be honest. It makes more sense to me now that I know gender and biological sex are two separate things because before I was confused. Who made these rules? Why do girls have to act a certain way and why are boys suppose to act different? But a common question that was on my mind was why do girls have to like boys? Honestly I thought that girls were a lot cuter than boys. I often imaged seeing my female friends beneath their clothes....but I never thought such things about boys. I never wanted to. But as far as I knew, as a girl I was suppose to like boys. I learned what “gay” meant at some point but there was such a stigma attached to it. People made it seem like such a bad thing. I had no exposure to anything gay and nobody ever told me that it was okay so I assumed it wasn’t. I had no gay people to look up to. Nobody ever told me that they would still love me the same if I was gay. They just expected me to be straight. Nobody ever told me that I’m not wrong for being attracted girls when all the girls around me are attracted to boys. So for a long I assumed being gay wasn’t okay and something I could never be. 

The short explanation is that I was born gay but in this hetero-normative world I didn’t understand my feelings until later in life. I just am who am I and that’s that. Its been a confusing journey but there are a few memories of my gay awakening that stick out. A specific one is a sleep away camp. It was the summer between 5th and 6th grade so I was 10 years old. My best friend (at the time) and I went away to camp together. It was really fun and I’ll always cherish the memories of that week. Anyway, there was a specific girl in our unit (I’ll call her Jay for the sake of this story). I felt drawn to her. I always found myself staring at her even when I wasn’t trying to.

“Why are you always looking at me?” Jay would ask. She wasn’t upset, just confused. Then I would feel guilty and go into defense mode...

“What are you talking about? I wasn’t looking at you.” 

One time I was taking a picture with two other girls and Jay walked by. My eyes naturally followed her. Apparently it wasn’t subtle.

“Alright girls. Look this way and smile...3...2...1.” The person taking the picture said.

“She wasn’t even looking at the camera, she was looking at me!” Jay said with an amused laugh, referring to me. 

“It was because I thought you said something.” I said. That was the first excuse that came to mind.

“That doesn’t mean you have to look at me during a picture.” she shook her head and left. Jay was honestly a nice girl and a lot of fun, but I think I started to become more uncomfortable being around her as the week went on. 

I’m pretty sure I kinda had a crush on her. One day when were taking showers, she forgot her towel. I saw her naked and I tried to look away but couldn’t. My eyes kept trailing downward...

I kinda felt a certain way seeing other girls change and I wondered if they felt the same way or if it was just me. There was another girl who was older and more developed. At one point I also saw her topless without a bra on. She had big breasts and I was mesmerized at the sight. My own chest was basically flat until the end of middle school so there was nothing to see there. I know we were all girls and more or less had the same bodies, but there was something about seeing another girl’s body that just felt...different. I liked what I saw but simultaneously I thought it was weird for me to like it so much. Although I didn’t think to hard of it back then. 

You could say that I was “bisexual” growing up. I claimed to  “like” boys (but that wasn’t exclusive). Well, according to the rest of the world, liking boys is what was  “normal” so that’s what I did. Its what I thought I had to do. There was boy in middle school who was a friend of mine I claimed to like him even though I didn’t feel anything towards him. I just wanted to feel normal. It was my secret. I wanted to have a crush to write about in my journal with hearts and stuff. Maybe overtime I convinced myself hard enough that I did like him and I was for sure straight. I used “gush” over some male celebrities and everything. But deep downs something never felt right and it didn’t feel like I was being myself. I also had a friend from Girl Scouts who was super boy crazy so I followed her lead. We would always talk about boys and stuff together all the time. I liked our talks but I always kind of felt like I wasn’t on the same level as her or feeling the same things that she felt. She was a couple years older then me so she would always encourage me to come to her whenever I had any questions about boys, crushes, dating and sex. There was never anything that I genuinely wanted to know, but I tried to act like there was. My confusing feelings about girls were still present but I didn’t pay attention to them because I didn’t want to. 

9th grade (when I didn’t see my “crush” everyday anymore) was when I started to notice those feelings that I tried to ignore. Lots of thoughts were going through my head very often...

Okay how long is it considered appropriate to stare at another girl’s breasts?

Wow that girl is beautiful...like really beautiful.

Seriously she’s so pretty...do I wanna be her or do I wanna...wanna what? I don’t know!

Don’t look at her butt. Don’t look at her butt. No, don’t look at her breasts instead. That’s not okay!

There was this girl in my PE class who was apparently a lesbian. I didn’t know that information until I overheard a conversation one day.

“So wait you’re a lesbian?” another girl asked her.

“I am.” she said casually.

“That’s so cool. I’ve never met a lesbian before.”

Yeah that’s cool. She can be a lesbian if she wants. To each their own. I thought to myself. I had never met a lesbian before either. I knew very well that I felt some type of way about girls but I couldn’t define it. 

What if I was a lesbian...? ...am I a lesbian? That was my first time actually questioning my sexuality instead of pushing away the possibilities. I always assumed that I was straight and that was all I was ever going to be. I wanted to hold onto that.  NO! Definitely not. I’m straight. Trust me, I am so straight. Obviously I like boys. I would never like a girl that way. I’m only ever gonna like boys. No doubt about it. But there was some doubt...

There was another time at a Girl Scouts meeting, I was distracted on my friend. 

“What are you doing?” One of my troop mates asked.

“Just texting my friend.” I said.

“Ohh your friend? Is it a boy or a girl?” she asked.

“A girl.” I said and one of the other girls overheard.

“You have a girlfriend?” She asked surprised.

“No! No. Just my friend who is a girl.” I sad defensively. It truth and that was just a misunderstanding. I didn’t have to get so nervous. The thought of me having a girlfriend seemed wrong out loud but deep down it almost felt right...

It was around 10th grade when I considered myself “bi-curious”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m straight. But I could more than possibly be interested in the same sex.  Eventually I upgraded to bisexual. I didn't want to be gay. If was gonna like girls then I felt like I still had to like boys too. I thought that being bi was the best approach.

There was another guy friend of mine, who I had multiple classes with. He had a girlfriend but we were still pretty close friends. I thought I liked him but at the same time I still didn’t exactly know what “like” was suppose to feel like towards boys. One day we were working on the same computer in class and I looked over at him, wondering what it would be like to kiss him. Could I see myself ever kissing a boy? No, not really. I couldn’t see myself doing that. It didn’t feel right to even think it. I didn’t “like” him anymore after realizing that…

The thought of kissing a boy was not appealing to me at all…but kissing a girl didn't sound bad at all. Being with a girl and doing things with girls was all that I wanted and all I could think about. The more that I thought about it the much better it sounded. And boys started to seem more and more gross and unappealing. It got to the point where I realized I was not interested in boys at all and everything finally made sense. Somewhere along the way I also started reading more lesbian fan fiction and that helped make everything that I thought wasn’t normally start to seem normal. It also kind of amplified my desires for women. I began to fully accept the fact that I’m attracted to girls instead of boys. I was still reluctant at first to use the word “gay” but I figured there’s no other way to describe it. I’m gay. It was before 11th grade started when I was able to fully accept that fact that had been almost obvious since I was little. I’m a lesbian. 

So I had this huge revelation about myself but I had to keep it to myself. I was absolutely terrified to tell anyone. I didn’t know how to honestly. I also thought that people would see me differently or not like me anymore. It was my biggest secret for quite a while. I stayed in the closet where I was safe. A few of my closest friends eventually found out. It was over a year later when I made it known to my parents. I won’t get into that. Also along the way I experienced very legitimate crushes on some of my female friends. Unfortunately they were straight so I had to get over it. But I finally understood what it actually feels like to “like” someone… I have never felt that way about a guy before. I never knew with guys. But when it was a girl, I knew. 

Looking back, there are a few things I  wish I could tell my younger self...

First of all, sexuality can be fluid but as far as I’m concerned you’re gay. And that’s OKAY. I know you never had anyone to tell you that at the time, but it is okay. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re not weird, you’re not disgusting, you’re not abnormal, you’re just you. Your true friends will always love you for who you are. Those who mind don’t mater and those who matter don’t mind. It’s okay to be confused sometimes but things will clear up. You don’t have to put a label on yourself. You just have to be to you. You know what you like, you know what you want. Its okay to be aware of those things with little to no experience. You’re valid. Anything and everything you feel is valid. You’re okay. I don’t know when, but someday you will find a girl who will love you the same way you love her. You’ll finally experience the things you’ve always wanted and you’ll both live happily ever after.

~Annamaria

[defunctblogtobedeleted]

8/28/19 8:09pm - Meanwhile, In Real Time (basically all of aug ‘19)

So today I only have one patient for the first time in like half a year. I guess it makes sense since it’s the end of august and insurance policies are starting to roll over. After so many busy weeks of work it’s really exciting though.

And it couldn’t have happened at a better time. For one I’m pretty excited to get writing and catching up on this past year. But for TWO, World of Warcraft Classic just launched this week. I wasn’t sure if I was going to like it. Yknow I never played it before because I was worried how it would eat my life like Runescape did. But Spencer and a bunch of NC Melee peeps wanted me to play so I’m in there. Looks like my obsessions really have cycled in order.

[continued at 11:04pm after putting pts to bed]  Pokemon (first grade), Magic (third grade), Runescape (fourth grade), Halo/Gears (7th-9th), Guitar Hero (8th-10th), Quiz Bowl (11th&12th) , Ultimate Frisbee (12th-soph), League of Legends (soph-senior), Melee (senior-last year). I have a kind of filthy habit of playing so much that it’s debilitating and then finally breaking out of it only to move on to doing the same thing with something else.

Since quitting melee I’ve gotten obsessed with Pokemon and Magic, so it looks like getting into WoW was inevitable. 

Just kidding, an unscheduled 2nd patient showed up and it turns out he’s actually supposed to be here so I’m not QUITE so free as all that, but it’s still not 3 patients, 2 is totally easy for me now.

Lol I took this screenshot when I got in to the office 

as of now I’m all caught up with work and I’ve still got 133 minutes to go, so looks like I have plenty of time to write for a second.

So what do I have to catch up on? well my days have been looking like weds-thurs-fri are always work, saturday I’ll stay up all day doing something, sunday I’m usually sleeping in, Monday I’m usually either playing DnD or chilling playing games, and Tuesday is a chill day until karaoke. 

The past two weekends have been kind of crazy though, so I just wanted to write about them for a minute before I got too far gone. 

Actually, let’s go back to 3 weekends ago. I visited Dars because I needed to, it’s been too long. I meant to write a lot more than I did, but instead I stayed up late into the night watching Andi draw shit on twitch. I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately, mostly trying to collect all my thoughts on what I want to write about, but I definitely miss her and hope she’s doing okay. I ‘accidentally’ responded to a question she asked when she was talking to herself on stream, I hadn’t meant to talk to her at all I just wanted to see her do her thing and reflect on her a little.  Really I wanted to watch her play breath of the wild. I miss us playing that together. Watching her enjoy something I enjoyed so much really made me happy. Anyway, I only bring that up because I tried to tune in again to actually watch her play BotW and found out she blocked me from her channel. I could still watch, which was nice, but I couldn’t say anything. Probably for the best. After watching her for a few hours I unfollowed her channel so I wouldn’t even try anymore.

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.

I did that song at karaoke last night. I practiced in the bathroom and the car beforehand and was nailing it I thought. But I got up on stage and I was thinking of you and I bombed it. I haven’t bombed a song so hard since the time I tried to sing you I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing when I was in drunk-screaming mode, or the first time I tried to do MakeDamnSure. And those were when I was drunk. This I like just tried to get to the high notes and on stage I just couldn’t. My voice kind of broke. I cleared the crowd. It was humiliating, to be honest. I don’t know if I was tired from playing 12 hours of WoW with spencer yesterday (amazing, btw. I had a ton of fun), or if I was thinking of you too much, or if I was actually just floundering from making the first mistake (which doesn’t quite make sense because I’ve made mistakes and then fixed them easily in plenty of songs before). But it was awful.  I got to hang out with some friends for a bit, sang The Hand That Feeds and did excellently at it, got some good cheers and shit, but I still felt like ass. Went home and played some melee and some more WoW and stayed up until 6am and slept 12 hours lmao.

So I had an avocado for dinner and now here I am. I’ve been doing more fasting days lately where I eat really light. They’re not true fasting days because usually I eat a bunch of nuts or something. But I don’t eat a big meal like I normally do once a day. Also I wanted to go back to Darlin’s because we watched zoolander, and at one point he says “bulimia is a great way to lose pounds before a shoot” and I was like “oh yeah, true.” lol so now if someone makes me eat a bunch of ice cream with them (darlin and jill), then I’ll do it and throw it up after -_-. Not the healthiest but I’ve only done it on like two or three occasions. I’m mostly being good. Only exercising once a week lately though, WoW kinda blew up everything this week and I’ve been hella busy lol. 

Okay so week after Darlin’s, I made some new friends at karaoke that my buddy Skyler introduced me to there. I drove up to Virginia on Saturday to do Quarry Fest that tessa and her boyfriend had planned out on his property. It was fucking phenomenal. Spent the day day drinking and swimming, it was gorgeous out, beautiful people in swimsuits everywhere, made a whole bunch of new friends who loved me because they already loved tessa, saw a handful of old high school friends. I really got strong attraction vibes from my friend Emily, but she was there with a new boyfriend so ah well such a shame for her lmao. Stayed up until like 4 in the morning talking with people around a big bonfire, it was just like a fun old rappahannock field party where everyone knew everyone at least by a removal factor of one. Such a beautiful time. I fucking drunkenly danced my ass off all night while these live musicians and djs were on. Just phish style sway jammed out in the sand, made my legs fucking exhausted lol. Moving in sand is so fucking hard! I’d get a drink, chug it down, spin around drunkenly jam around for a bit, sober up, get a new drink, rinse and repeat lmao. The Diet Dr Pepper and white rum idea later in the night was miserable though. FUCK diet drinks they’re not adequate mixers. holy blegh. plus the rum was hot as balls I need to find a new kind of liquor to keep in my trunk. The best idea I’ve heard from people so far is sake. I loved Tessa’s boyfriend’s family too. The one little brother had the same supreme cheetah print that I had on except he had the boxers, we really hit it off actually. After sleeping in my car for the night I woke up and went skinny dipping for like an hour or so, I spent a lot of the next morning talking to him and his girlfriend, mostly entertaining her with the weird stories that I tell on here. She said I was probably the craziest person she’d ever met, and wished that I lived closer so that she could hook me up with her sister. She said she needed to try someone fun like me out LMAO. Then their family made a huge breakfast at their house and I got to pig out on some lox and chit chat with tessa about shit before heading back to Raleigh.

That’s right, I went there and came back for just a day because I needed to be back the next night for Emo Karaoke LOL. There’s no way I was gonna miss it, it’s only once a month. 

It was the craziest thing though. My friends caitlin and gretchen came to emo karaoke but it hadn’t started yet because of an open mic poetry night, so they split to go to Ruby’s annual No Pants Party and told me to meet up with them if I wanted to. I was the first person to sing, I did The Used and it went fantastically. I met this guy morgan and his girlfriend elizabeth I think, and she emailed me a video of it lol I love it. I also sang backup vocals for him on MakeDamnSure, I was so happy that he asked me, I’ve literally practiced doing the backup singing just in case someone ever did hahaha. But after my song this girl walks up to me and says “did you go to chapel hill? Do you remember who I am?” I look at her and it’s none other than fucking LEXI. Like huge crush in college Lexi. Like written about her at least a handful of times at LEAST Lexi. Like I named my fucking CAR after you Lexi. So I was like “HOLY SHIT YES” oh my god and caught up with her and I’m 90% sure she was there with another guy, but I got to meet her friends and chit chat and I screamed my fucking throat out that night. My voice was already toasty from singing in the car all the way up and back from virginia but after that it was torched lmao. I also did The Used+MCR’s Under Pressure with my friend from there Kenny, got some chick’s number, and the list was full so I dipped after that.

Went to the no pants party and it wasn’t super crazy, but I got some beautiful pics lol. Caitlin helped me tie up my shirt super cute, I wore it as a blouse and as an ascot hahaha. But hanging with them at the no pants party mostly got me to this afterparty at a friend’s place downtown.  I had rum and bought some coke that we threw in the freezer, but instead of mixing the coke and rum me and Jacob had this great idea to mix the rum with freezie pops to see if it was any good. Did like 3 shots testing it out to see if the ratio could work. Mostly it tasted like a bad slushie lol. Went to the porch to smoke a cig and people started passing some coke around so I did a little of that, and started having this long ass conversation with this girl MJ. We hit it off for like literally an hour on the porch at 4 in the morning. We talked about pokemon and tons of nerdy video game shit, and it turns out she had been at karaoke that week, I had already listened to her singing! I got her number and have since tried to hit her up a few times to hang out. She’s always responded to all of my texts IMMEDIATELY. like within the minute fast. It’s weird. But unfortunately either because she’s not actually interested or because she’s truly been too busy, I haven’t been able to meet up with her to do anything. I guess we’ll see if that ever develops, but I think she was really cool. I really hope I at least get to make a pass at her.  After that I brought gretchen back to my place to hang out. Didn’t try to hook up with her or anything, but we just wanted to chill and do some blow that I had leftover and wanted to get rid of. Did some talking about some fucked up shit going on with some of her friends dying, but it was mostly in the context of her wanting to go back to the party to try to find an adderall on the ground when we ran out of shit. At like 8 in the morning we drove around to pick up some shit, but nobody was awake, she gave me half an adderall to try to help me stay up but after I popped it I still took a nap in the car while we waited so I was like yeah nah I’m tapping out. After driving to virginia and back and having two late party nights I was fucking spent and didn’t want to miss my appointment to drop my car off for repairs. Honestly though, I have no fucking idea what Brandon saw in her that made him so coocoo for her. She seems like your typical party hardy everything-sucks kind of girl. I don’t think I’ve heard her say a positive thing about...anything. She’s always shit talking or talking down about life or saying she wants to go somewhere else that’s cooler, or that older parties were more fun or some shit. Meh. Luckily I’m not the one tryna bang her, and Caitlin totally balances her out with how smiley and happy she is when I hang out with them. Her and Jacob are cute as fuck too. 

But I DID end up making it to my appointment. My car is almost done being fixed!!

Then I had a board game night that monday, me and Trent and Steven played some of this train game called snowdonia and I narrowly lost. Steven almost always beats me, that fucker lol. I really respect how smart he is about magic and game theory in general tbh.

Last week there was karaoke and work. At karaoke I found out this really cute smiley girl Hannah (a friend/coworker of my lesbian couple friends) is getting a divorce from her husband (she’s like 24), and so thattt’s pretty interesting. I don’t wanna make moves because she’s wonderful and I don’t want to be a douche, but she’s like... still the happiest person I’ve ever met even in the midst of changing her entire life. I kinda wish I could go on a date with her just to find out more about her lol. Saturday I didn’t sleep so that I could go to my friend Helena’s place for her to dye and cut my hair. I really followed through on wanting it to look like Brad Pitt from Once Upon A Time In Hollywood like I decided when we saw it darlin’s lol. I really wanted to change my hair, I’m kind of sick of having bangs in my face and need to symbolically move on to doing something new. Then saturday afternoon/evening I got drunk as fuckkkk with broscious and irene for their housewarming party. First time getting really drunk with them it was so much fun! We played a drinking game while watching a glassblowing show where we drank every time they said glass or blew, so it was pretttty good hahaha. I probably overdid it with the threesome and trap jokes later with their friends when we got to the bar lol, but they seemed so innocent I had to fuck with them a little hahaha. Fell asleep on the floor of their living room at like 3 in the morning because someone else had dibs on the couch. Woke up at like 7am blegh, found out I lost my house key lol, went back to sleep at my place til noon, then went to play board games with steven trent and reyad again.  After that I went to boxcar to meet up with Maya, and she had brought a bunch of her coworkers and Rianne as usual, so it was a great time. We bounced from boxcar to Rianne’s place, got to drink with Ollie and played this weird frog golf game and we discussed whether Blonde or Channel Orange was the better Frank Ocean album. They ALL were fighting me that Channel Orange was just better in every way, but I still think Blonde is incredible. I offered to take Jill home to her place since she lives nearby, we got some mcdonalds and watched some american dad and had some great sex. and again the next morning, and again in the afternoon. So luckily that’s still working out, I thought it had fallen apart, but I’ll explain more on that later on when I finish playing catchup. I took her back to her car and we got some good ass ramen downtown.

We made tentative plans to hang out again the next day and maybe go thrifting and I spent the rest of monday playing Melee for a couple hours. But I woke up at 9am and started playing WoW with spencer, so when she hit me up that she was getting off work at like 3pm I was in the middle of a 6 hour bingefest playing WoW for the first time in my life. He told me I should keep playing with him so I didn’t fall behind and so I thought about it... and then I did lmao. I said that I was nerding out with my roommate and asked if she wanted to hang out after karaoke. She said yeah definitely but she might go to bed earlier than normal (~3) because she had to work a double. I hit her up at midnight to leave karaoke early after that embarrassment of a performance, but she never responded. I think she said she wanted to hang out so that she could blow me off too, tbh. But jokes on her, I got to play more melee until I could get through the login queue for WoW and got to play for another 3 hours. Perfect.

Though more sex would’ve been nice, for sure. 

Anyway, things are going wonderfully. I’m going to a big concert in raleigh in two weeks. Probably just nerding out this weekend since I mixed up my weekends and didn’t make plans. Helena dyed my hair with highlights to look like brad pitt, but I’m changing it to be totally blonde like Maya and Rianne want instead. They miss my old yellow hair lol and Oliver and everyone I’ve asked did too so I’m gonna try it out again. 

Definitely ready to move forward and try some new things. 

I’ve been thinking about Andi way too much the past two weeks. It sucks. I really want to talk to her. And give her her chair back. So I want to see her. But I know I’m feeling good with everything so really things are better off just moving on I guess. Maybe once I finally write my catchup posts about her I can stop thinking about her. But it’s made me procrastinate a lot, I’m like literally doing anything I can to not write these last handful of catchup posts...

But I promise I will soon. I need to do it. Maybe that’s what I’ll do saturday while I wait for the queue for WoW to thin out lmao. It’s currently 12:06 and I still have an estimated time of 13 minutes after trying to log in at 7:45 lol.

Also tryna cop some supreme clothes tomorrow. Wish me luck, I Really hope I can get this tiger print jacket and hat. Boutta drop a mint lol. Clothes are kinda fun. It’s nice not dressing like a hobo all the time, I guess. Mostly because it’s hot. Once it’s the right temperature to wear pajama pants again you better believvvve I’m gonna just get fancy sweatpants lmfao.

Anyway, queue’s finally done! holy shit yeah it’s only 12:15 Kappa. Gonna go play some WoW love you guys bye <3

[coolpolarbear123]

BAND CAMP DAY 1

August 7th, 2017

I’m beginning to realize that they probably don’t call it “band camp” here

For those of you who don’t know what I’m doing, every year (since my sophomore year) I’ve made (what originally started as rant) posts about my days of NSBC. What is NSBC? New School Band Camp. I made that name when I was new to the school, if you can’t tell.

10TH GRADE BC POSTS (2015) | 11TH GRADE BC POSTS (2016) 12TH GRADE BC POSTS (2017) | COLLEGE: FIRST YEAR BC POSTS (2018) | COLLEGE: SECOND YEAR BC POSTS (2019) | ALL

Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Day 7

My sophomore year, I began this with a “What You Need to Know.” I’m bringing that back:

This is, in fact, my senior (12th grade) year

I’m a drum major

I main flute

I’m technically head drum major? I think? I’d assume?

MY BROTHER IS IN THE BAND

HERE WE GO ONE LAST TIME:

So, I’ll begin a bit before I actually get to the school

I’m freaking out. I have way more responsibilities than previous years, and even though it’s the first practice I’m still freaking out

My brother’s probably also freaking out, since he’s a freshman (9th grade), but he doesn’t show it (unlike me, who is ranting to everyone over Skype)

So, I’m dying. I don’t know what’s going on

Even thought I do

We get there, and I’m almost about to cry from worrying

I really shouldn’t have been worrying; it’s the first day.

I get to the door of the band room

And I just--gods. I remember completely breaking down in front of that door my sophomore year

More on that if you’d like to hear it, but I did mention in it previous band camp posts (There are two different links there)

Okay, so I go in

Now, some of my band friends have graduated, the others aren’t there

Do you remember how excited I was that I had friends last year?

(I was very excited)

I was like that this year, too, except with my incoming freshman friends

I have a lot of incoming freshman friends

Fast forward, the band directors are doing intros. (There are three of them. I’ve finally gotten used to that.)

So, I’m there, and one other drum major (we’ll call him X) is there. 

Yeah, no, we don’t get introduced

I point this out to X. We start joking about it.

A lot.

“Yeah, who are those weirdos over there? Are they even in band? What are they doing? Where are their instruments?”

I like X. He’s fun to talk to. I miss the old drum majors, though

Did I mention that? I’m the only drum major from last year who is drum major-ing again.

I believe I called them Drum Major #1 and Other Drum Major last year

Something like that

Anyway, I hope this year goes well without them

It will, right?

I barely survived last year

EDIT: IT WAS HDM AND ODM. THAT’S WHAT I CALLED THEM. Okay, from last year there was HDM and ODM. From this year, there is X and Y.

Anyway anyway anyway

X and I are joking around, having fun, half-conducting stuff

It’s not like we have to be up on the podium--it’s the first day

We get to the Star Spangled Banner, and X leans over and says, “I want to play on the percussion.” “[HDM] did it. Go for it.” *X shuffles on over to the percussion* *I follow* X says, “I don’t remember how to put [the cymbals] on *a trombonist helps* I say, “I’m going to go half-conduct. Have fun”

Yeah, so X isn’t a percussion player, but it’s okay, he did his best.

One of the band directors conducts in a way that I don’t quite understand sometimes when standing behind him

I still miss my Tennessee friends

Speaking of which, should out to @the-noose-around-your-mind for encouraging me when I was freaking out. I tried very hard not to smile and make a fool of myself at your text. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

No seriously that helped so much

At some point, Other Drum Major comes in (ODM from last year), and he sits down with his instrument and smiles at me

I’m!!!! People!! Are smiling!!!!! At me!!!!

ASLKJKLASDJ

I talked to Other Drum Major (ODM) during our break.

I also talked to a few others

They didn’t seem bothered by me existence!!!!!

X and I made many, many jokes

“So, do you have good upper body strength?” “It’s okay” “Good because the podiums are a pain to push around, and I’m not going to die on my own.”

X and I finally got introduced at one point

“This is [X], [My name], and *points at door* [third drum major] isn’t here today, but we have three.”

Third Drum Major shall be called Y for future reference (meaning future posts)

We played most of the marching songs

Or half? I think it was just half

I Just Can’t Wait to be King from The Lion King and Phantom of the Opera from I bet you can’t guess

It’s kinda weird? Like, flashbacks to last year and my sophomore year

Talk about nostalgia

Freshman friends!!!!!! ♥

X and I make more jokes

I highfive my brother at one point

It was super chill, so I don’t have much else to say

One of my freshman friends is begging me to listen to the Be More Chill soundtrack, by the way

*During I Just Can’t Wait to be King* “There’s a percussion solo-thing here” Me, leaning over to X: “Can the drum majors improvise it, for now?” *The two of us simultaneously pantomime playing the drums* *My freshmen friends give me weird looks*

That’s all I can remember? I’ll edit if I remember more

At the very end, one of the band directors was like, “We’ll definitely have you guys be doing more tomorrow. Conducting and handing out music. You should have been handing out music today, but I guess we forgot.”

Except he was a little harsh about it

Oh! One more thing: I played a bit of flute

Like, during Magnificent 7--I like that song, so I played my flute.

And Seven Nation Army

One of the band directors almost played my flute at one point

One of the band directors brought his children and they’re cute

One of them liked to wave at me

I liked waving at her

Okay okay okay, that’s it

I think

My brother also liked it

Oh! Other songs we’re playing include: I Dreamed a Dream from Les Misérables and possibly Seasons of Love from RENT

Last year it was said that there was a chance we were going to play some Wicked, but I guess not

That makes me sad

I like Wicked

I still miss my old band. A lot. I miss my old friends. I’m getting used to these guys, though, or maybe I am used to them. I seem to have trouble walking into the band room still, but that’s okay. Anyway, I might still get salty at some points, but I think this year will be more nostalgic and happy-ish at points

Maybe

Me, leaning over to X: “I feel as if I should be taking all of this in--it’s our last time.” Me: “But nah. I’ll keep joking.” X: “Yeahhh.”

OKAY OKAY OKAY I’M DONE I SWEAR

Next BC is tomorrow! Thanks for reading!

[fkyeahsuga]

Daegu genius Min yoongi pt.1

Yoongi is born in Daegu, the third largest city in South Korea, and has always been there before he came to Seoul. Young Yoongi is a boy who likes playing pranks.

Yoongi loves sports, he likes playing basketball, and is good at running too. He has always been chosen as an athlete for relay races since elementary until high school, and his grades are also slightly higher than average.

“When I was still in school, I’ve won a good amount of basketball competitions, and I still took out Sunday’s free time to play basketball when I was still trainee. My position is usually Point Guard or Shooting Guard, my speed is quick, and I do attack better than defense.” -Suga, ize Magazine interview, 2014.

(This is an incredibly long post, please click keep reading if you would like to read the rest.)

During fifth grade, Yoongi saw a performance of South Korean artist duo ‘Stony Skunk’ on TV. It sparked his interest in music, later on he also learned about Hip-hop and reggae music. During sixth grade, Yoongi started writing lyrics. By that time he already wrote lyrics similar to “Tomorrow”.

It was also during sixth grade when he discovered Epik High’s “Fly”, since then he made his decision to focus on rap. 

Yoongi’s elementary school graduation quote ©️yoongilogy “Sixth grade was fun I love you 3rd class Lastly peace -Yoongi- 

During his middle school days, Yoongi started learning classical music, and started trying to compose his own music. Second year in middle school, Yoongi stood on stage for the first time, performing Dynamic Duo’s "Go Back” with his friends.

Birth of Gloss

After getting in high school, Yoongi joined an underground Hip-hop group called “D-Town”, and started participating in Daegu underground hiphop scenes, his stage name was Gloss. This thumbnail shows his track “518-062” back from 2010 when Yoongi was under his stage name Gloss, the lyrics talk about The Gwangju Uprising.

link to Gloss’s NATE post. (You can find the video there) translation of the track’s lyrics.

During 2010, Gloss posted in forums, and the content was two tracks about D-town. (Source: 闵允其魅力观察所)

Posted on 2010.07.20 20:08 ID: Gloss Views:319 Favorites:0 Title: D-town philosophy of life Beat by: each other Lyrics by: Gloss, Lucid.p, the smile Rap/Vocal by (ft.): Gloss, Lucid.p, the smile Mixing by: Gloss

Posted on 2010.07.30 00:58 ID: Gloss Views:613 Favorites:0 Title: D-Town Baby under thunderbolt-like group Beat by: Eminem beat Lyrics by: Gloss, 낙션, Lucid.p, the smile Rap/Vocal by (ft.): Gloss, 낙션, Lucid.p, the smile Mixing by: Gloss

Yoongi’s self introduction during his second year of high school

I am Kangbuk High school’s second year student Min Yoongi.

I am a lyricist, composer and MIDI composer in a group called D-Town, I also participate as a producer and rapper. My speciality is writing lyrics, composing and making MIDIs. I like to play basketball, read and study MIDI equipments. Although I am still learning, I’ve already worked with a couple rappers active in Daegu to create mixtapes, and did several semi-professional performances.

I still have imperfections, but I have enough confidence, I’ll be more hardworking than anyone else.

Yoongi participated in making of ADV Reflow’s mixtape [REPRESENT] (published in 2011.09.14). As you can see, Yoongi already has quite the reputation and skills while he was in D-Town.

Making music underground is really tough. Yoongi of that time who was active as a producer went through a lot of hardships to save money for equipments. During performances, it would be considered miracle to have more than a hundred audiences.

“I had this thought before, when I succeed, can I build a bridge between mainstream music and underground music? I met a lot of talented people who make good music when I was underground, so I thought, when the day that I’m successful comes, I want to help them create a better environment, I want the world to listen their music.”

Yoongi’s turning point in life

2010, Yoongi joined Bighit’s audition in Daegu, the title is ’So fresh boy G’s in the building’.  

[Bighit audition candidate (Candidate no.2- Min Yoongi) | SUGA of Bangtan Sonyeondan] 

Rough lyrics trans:

So fresh boy G’s in the building

We are D-Town

Last year 17 years old I’m still young

Dream and reality have too much difference

But I still have big dreams

But I don’t care I’m OK I can’t turn back

Every night I leave school at 11

Why do people force me to attend university

I write my beats from dawn to 4 and a half o'clock

Few couple months my parents fought over different opinions

But I’m OK I’m blessed

I’m content with my life now

Even though I don’t have money to make music

I will still drive on my dreams

I will soar to a higher place

Thinking of these makes me bite my teeth and hang in there

I believe I can fly I will soar high enough touch the sky

Countless nights of losing in between studies and music

But I still don’t gain anything

Is there anyone who understands those days I’ve experienced

You people won’t even understand me

Entrance exam deadly choked my neck

Three years of high school life is like a neck-strangling Polo t-shirt

It defeated me, made me unable to breath

Also brought me a lot of frustrations on my path of following my dreams

It’s just bullshit

I believe I can fly I will soar high enough touch the sky

Whatever I don’t care

Just like this I’m OK

I believe I can fly I will soar high enough touch the sky

Whatever I don’t care

Just like this I’m OK

After that, Yoongi joined Bighit’s Rap battle with his track “Swagger” (original: Over by Drack). Yoongi was the first runner-up.

Yoongi in the house

Yoongi’s original intention of joining the company wasn’t as a rapper, but as a producer. At the time, the company wanted to build a group of all rappers (changes were made later on), and Yoongi became a trainee.

(Yoongi from trainee era)

Pdogg PD described Bangtan’s story from preparation to debut on “Idol maker” interview, July 2013.

“ First of all, we went through about 30 trainees. Also, although it’ll never be released, there are a lot of things that we worked on together. We worked on songs and did recordings and saw each other’s reactions that way. That period lasted for about 3 years, and the ones who remained afterwards were Suga, Rap Monster, and J-Hope. I have all the things these three made still on my computer. The kids made an average of at least one song per week, and there were also times when they had assignments. When there were a lot of people we’d split them into teams and have some of them work with foreign pop and some of them work with hip hop. Like, reinterpreting things in a hip hop manner. And when we felt that the number of people was good, we’d re-organize the members. “

We’d also split up the kids who were good at performance and the ones who weren’t. Through that process, they took a direction in earnest for more than a year, and I thought a lot as well. We also had a ton of meetings. After checking everything from the kids’ fashion to their condition, their rap, their singing level, we started working in earnest from November or December of last year. From that time a lot of talk came up. They operated their own blog, and the kids found a direction by choosing the songs or cover songs to upload there, but for me, the thing that was most difficult was having to make music that would be accepted by the general public. In the Korean major music scene, hip hop is just telling love stories through rap.

Read the whole interview here, snippets © bangtanbase

2011, Bighit company wanted to audition more candidates for BTS, hence the Hit It open audition. Yoongi and his fellow trainees Namjoon and Hoseok composed a track called “Paldo Gangsan” as the audition’s propaganda song. Yoongi used Gyeongsangdo satoori for his rap, this track also received a lot of attention from the public.

Also 2011, Bang PD went on MBC’s Star Audition, and in the background there was a chart for trainee’s monthly evaluations.

“December Monthly evaluation, 4th-Min Yoongi”

2012, Yoongi had a guest appearance in Jo Kwon sunbaenim’s MV “I’m Da One”.

(Bonus: Can you believe this happened) 

2013, Yoongi uploaded “SUGA’s Maschine mk2 Review”, in the video he used an OST from movie “The Man from Nowhere” for a mixing demo. The beat used inside was used in Yoongi’s track “The Last (마지막)” from his mixtape released in 2016.

March 5th 2013, Yoongi’s first solo log was published, he talked about the starting point of his music dream.

“The music played now is Epik High sunbaenim’s Fly, it is the song that lead me to hip-hop music, which I am grateful for. Listening to Epik High’s fly, I’ll have the idea of 'It’s time to compose rap’ this kind of thoughts. When I graduated in 2006, I heard this song and I thought, 'Yeah, I want to rap too’, it became my dream, my everything, my life, and it made me into who I am today. It’s the best healing music, Epik High’s fly, like recently I’m abit frustrated so if I listen to it, I will feel energized and motivated to make better music." 

March 9th 2013, Yoongi recorded a long on his birthday. 2chainz’s "Birthday song” was played inside the small working room, at that time he could only pass his birthday with his members.

April 10th 2013’s log showed Yoongi was diligently making preparations for their debut title track.

“Apparently today is also spent on creating the title track, this whole week was dedicated to composing it. I feel my patience is going to hit it’s limit, I had to make alot of fixes to it, and it disrupted my sleeping schedule so I have to sleep in the morning now. Everyone it must be your first time seeing my hair like this, when composing I won’t wear my cap so I’d feel comfortable, this whole week was used to write and compose and rewrite again. Instead of having thoughts like very tired, the idea of using my lyrics and my music to stand on the stage gave me more motivation, I hope I can quickly meet everyone with good music.”

April 30th 2013, Yoongi’s last log before debut.

“It’s now 12AM , dance practice is everyday from 1PM to 8PM, and after that I’ll start writing songs. Now it’s close to finishing the song. While writing it is quite tiring, even though I learn alot from this. Now it’s meeting an end, I’m happy but also reluctant. Actually, I’m wuite happy, I changed my hairstyle, its now shorter and I look more energetic. It will be May really soon, and our debut date is close. I hope everyone will be anticipated, and support us alot.”

Debut

May 24th 2013, BTS’ debut trailer was published.

4th June 2013, Yoongi’s teaser pictures were published.

12th June 2013, on their debut showcase, Yoongi stood in front of fans as BTS member SUGA.

[Timeline sorted according to Japan Official Fanclub’s magazine Vol.2 SUGA’s Biography/ Ize Magazine(130718)/ Ize Magazine(2014)/ Ceci August issue (2013)]

Yoongi the hardworking musical genius

2014, Yoongi’s replies to fans’ question on Twitter.

Q: Usually where do you write your lurics? Living room? Practice room?…..Toilet? Please…!!!!!! kek SG: As for this album, I wrote them in the working room and on AHL’s shooting spots! My part in cypher is written on the plane ride from Brazil to Korea, I’ll write no matter where I am

Other interviews

Q: Please share your moments while writing songs in the work room.

SG: If i post pictures on SNS, it means I’m working smoothly. Usually I update when I feel good writing. I always sleep on my chair in the work room. (JM: He’s always in the work room, as if he made it his house)

[Haru Hana vol.29 ©️kimmyyang]

Q:If you have a short break, what would you like to do most?

SG: If time allows me, I would like to stay in my work room and write songs sleeplessly. Actually today I worked for 2 hours too, the work room is where I feel most relaxed, writing songs in the room is also what I enjoy the most. So if there is a break, I suppose I would still keep on working.

[Haru Hana vol.22 ©️yoogamin]

[VOL.29 Publish #BTS Secret talk.4]

Because of the magazine’s layout, these are conversations that couldn’t be added into the publications. Looking at Yoongi who works hard every night, Jimin always thinks “Should be sleeping all the time~” Yoongi replies, “I almost don’t sleep every night, sometimes I even burn the midnight oil to finish my job, so I would grab every opportunity to rest even during backstage." 

"I think someone who wants to accomplish something cannot loaf on the job, so if I don’t have schedules I will stay in the work room. I’m the type of of person to make alot of tracks and compile them together, it’s my wealthiest possession, like this I can improve my skills, so I’m always trying.” ©️K-Day

“During overseas schedules, being able to soak in baths in the hotel is the best feeling ever, but if I’m in Korea, I would keep myself in the working room and write songs. When I realize, all my tiredness is gone.”

[Cancam magazine ©️ kimmyyang]

Q: Where does your inspirations come from? What kind of environment do you like to work under?

SG: Usually I write better when I’m on plane rides, half of the tracks in my mixtape 'Agust D’ were written on plane rides.

[fans Magazine 2016 November issue, scan ©️ @玧其a]

Elder hyung pair is gentle JIN and cool SUGA. When SUGA stays in his working room, JIN can take over the room of two for himself. The elder hyung room is probably a no-talk, only seldomly cough noises, a really quiet room.

[Kpop Top Idol ©️Baidu_闵玧其Suga吧]

Give it to me lyrics snippet ©Joyce & Vicky @ bts-trans

Cypher pt.4 SUGA’s lyrics snippet © Jessie, Emily, Hyeeun @ bts-trans

Music’s biggest disciple

150615 Yoongi’s twitter update “If there’s any music that can satisfy me, I won’t be where I am today. To make songs that will satisfy everyone is really hard, I really am getting a clearer idea, but also I’m also getting more confused.Actually I would’ve released my mixtape earlier along with Namjoon, but because it got more and more under my expectations so I delayed it. I’m working on both album and mixtape, however it still couldn’t make me feel pleased. Instead of just simply finishing it, I’d rather not do it”

Q: Things that you want to challenge? SG: I’m not particularly interested in anything besides music, however if I have to say, I’d like to try photography, and also stage preparation and MV PD’s job.

Q: So that means you’d love to challenge anything related to music? SG: Yes, my goal is to make comphrehensive content.

[Oricon Style Vol.15 /chansol]

Q: What changes do you think has applied to the current you compared to when you debuted? SG: Nothing changed, no matter when the music and the stage is my top priority. Members are starting to try out different things, but still everyone would prioritize the group for the future and goals of the group, we all strongly share the same idea of it.

[170131 Women’s weekly]

“I began music at the age of 13, but through BTS promotions I seriously thought about what the identity of an idol and musician should be. However I no longer think of that way. Good music will get recognition no matter what. It doesn’t matter if an album is released by an idol or a musician. I am just a person who makes music, making good songs is my top priority. Gaining popularity as an idol or getting recognition as a musician, these thoughts come latter. Lately, it has been enjoyable to be able to work on music with the members. At first, our rap style sounds similar, however now our individual styles are getting more clearer. By having discussions we are able to make better music, and this progress is also a really fun stress? It would be impossible to not feel stressed at all, but I think what suits us now is 'responsibility’ as we want to bring better music to everyone. It might seem arrogant, but this is our swag. Arrogance and swag are different.

[Singles 2017 Jan issue]

"Just using my personality as an example, if I got scolded, I’ll have two reactions: "Ah is it so? I won’t do it again” and “Ok then, I’ll prove it to you”. But towards music, I only have the second attitude, of course in the past I’ve gotten mean comments and questions, such as “You can’t make it” “Making rap brings you nowhere”. But now I no longer feel intensely towards these kind of comments, I’ve left behind these negativity and move on, making me who I am today, I prove that I can make it, and it’s better than expected. In the future I will still keep on showing them my power, and one day they’ll change their idea of me. If I gave up because of the negative comments, thinking “Sigh I no longer can do it”, then I would’ve not held on making my own music for so long. I think my unyielding attitude is an important part in my path to follow my music dreams.“

[10+ Asia Magazine]

"It is actually quite hard to describe our music genre now, we do not want to have our music solely as one genre. Our music is not like Kendrick Lamar, people could tell what genre it is after listening to it. We like Hip-hop, but we do not cling onto it, we would mix EDM, pop or rock genre with it as the base.”

“I believe if it’s what I like, then it’s going to be good.”

“Music was never meant to be judged by producers, but the audience instead. If the music does not suit the audience’s liking, then people wouldn’t like it. Everything will be decided according to the audience’s liking, I guess we don’t have to explain to everyone that 'music should be like this’.”

“I think people’s thoughts will always change, in the current era, rather than searching for music just because people want to listen to music, nowadays people would rather listen to what they have listened to before. And if the music is highly praised, then it would be great music. Our job here is to be persistent on bringing great music to everyone, after getting feedback from the public we would make changes and make our music even better. Judgment power will be completely passed to the audience.”

“Recently I did not think around 'rap should be unique’ or 'it must be hiphop’ thoughts like this, I’d rather focus around my attitude towards music. I would no longer let myself get restricted by thoughts like those. If I like it then it’s going to be good, not because it’s hiphop, but because it’s good music. In the past I have always felt puzzled by it, thinking 'why would it be like this…’ and would also question what people think of us. But now I just want to fully give my all to making music that will touch people’s hearts, so thoughts like 'it should be like this’ has drastically decreased.”

“No matter what, because I’m a person who makes music, so I hope i can satisfy my values of life through music. No matter it’s rap, rhythm beat or composing, we still hope to get everyone’s recognition. I definitely do not want my path on music to end like this, a short 1-2 years of making music. My persistence towards music will always keep on, I want to keep on making music so even if I don’t get what I expected from feedbacks, I still won’t give up that easily. I am very clear that we are unable to make everyone like us, but I believe more and more people will hear our music.”

[Meeting Hiphop SUGA interview]

“We are hiphop idols however in most people’s eyes we’re still commercial idols, and would not be treated as hiphop idols. There are so many doubts. Am I doing the music I always wanted to do? Or is it the music I am supposed to do? It circled around my mind for abit, am I someone who wants to express himself, or someone who wants to make music? Thinking back and forth, I hope I can have a more philosophical view on music.”

[American Hustle Life]

Q: Is it easier to make music under stressful conditions for you?

SG: Indeed it is easier to write more music when I am having emotional times, but it’s not because I’m sad or happy or having any kind of emotions while I write them. It would be ideal to be able to squeeze creative juices for song writing under any kind of situation.

[Haru Hana vol.22]

ASTA TV: It is undeniable that among k-idol groups, BTS’ sharp dance moves are really dazzling. But I have a question for Min PD, when you have tough times when making music, do you have tips to overcome them?

SG: Actually no matter what problem it is, I can only think of that I should just get over with it. Same goes to music, as everything on the world would have their own tough times too, it could be short term or long term. But i believe if I just don’t give up, it would all become better.

[ASTA TV ©️adre95xx]

Compilation ©Yunyiya  Translation ©Admin Sera

Part two

[vashwoodtears]

My Struggles with Depression

Ever since 8th grade, I’ve been struggling with depression.

I’m a graduating senior in high school right now, so that means I’ve dealt with this for 5 years. I’ve never even talked to a counselor or psychologist about this. I’ve always been too scared. However, I did try to bring it up to one of my friends when I first started feeling that way in 8th grade.

She completely ignored it, which wasn’t good for my mental health whatsoever. I’d tell her that a song has a really deep meaning that I could relate to and would quote specific lyrics, and she’d be like, “oh, cool. This is the song I’m really into right now,” pretending to not have noticed the depressing lyrics (or, I’m sure she did, she just … kinda sucked, and still does, regarding mental illnesses).

Anyway, after that, my depression got worse.

9th grade came, and I met my best friend. Yeah, my depression got bad, but at least I made an awesome friend! I’m sure that if I hadn’t met her, I’d probably be much worse.

But yeah, 9th grade, my depression got bad. I started self-harming. Which, I knew wasn’t good. But I felt like I deserved it, and I liked the temporary physical pain as opposed to the permanent emotional pain. I cut on my left breast, above my heart. I didn’t know why at the time, other than the fact that it was easiest to hide. Now, though, looking back, I think it might have also been because I felt too much, I cared too much. I loved too much. Luckily, I didn’t take a step away from feeling. If I had, I’d probably be off much worse.

But my best friend found out, and always checked to make sure I hadn’t done it again. She’s the frickin best tbh.

10th grade came around, I was still cutting, I was still pretty badly depressed, but I had a better handle on everything, compared to 8th and 9th grade.

11th grade, I grew out of my shell a little bit. I made more friends and actually talked to people. I mean, not many, just a couple people sprinkled throughout my classes. I was still self harming, though. But my best friend was most definitely still my closest friend—duh. No one can replace her. Anyway, my depression was starting to get more manageable, but I was cutting more than ever.

I realized the relationship I was in wasnt a very good one. I told him about my depression once or twice, and he had a slightly more tentative response than my friend from 8th grade. He still never brought it up again, never really checked how I was doing. Not only that, but we couldn’t talk about anything serious. Ever. And being me, I need serious talk at least 40-70% of the time, depending on the day. So, I broke up with him about 2 weeks after prom, a whole month and a half after I had been wanting to originally.

After that, I started to get better. I no longer had a boyfriend a year older than me that acted 5 years younger than me. I took about 6 months to be single, the longest time I’ve ever been single since middle school (I dated a guy for a total of 3 years (broken up into 2 segments), another guy for a month, and another guy for a year and a half). During those 6 months, I worked on self-recovery, and hey! It worked!

But only kind of. I was still self harming, I was still depressed. I still am.

Anyway, 12th grade, I cut once or twice in August, at the beginning of the school year. You could tell that was an improvement for. The almost every day thing I had going on in my junior year. I still have no clue how I consider that year to not be as depressing as my first two. Anyway, I haven’t cut since! That means 9 months clean, as of last week.

But that still doesnt mean I’m better. I still find myself holding the blade between my fingers, an inch away from my left breast. I still catch myself having suicidal thoughts. I still find myself wishing I was prettier, that I could look like that girl. I still hear myself sobbing quietly some nights. I still find myself having unironic existential crises. I still can’t imagine a future for myself, not even for the next year. I’m still not 100% better. Who knows if I’ll ever be?

But that’s okay. It’s okay if I never end up completely better, completely depression-free. It’s okay, because I know I’m trying. I’m trying so, so hard to get better. I’m in a better relationship now. And despite my best friend now living hundreds of miles away from me, I know she’s still here for me, even if I kind of suck at replying to her texts. I know I only have to deal with battling myself, that I am the only person I have ever been fighting.

I know I am getting better, and that I want to help others get better. So please, feel free to come and talk to me about anything. Whether it be your family and how terrible they’re being, or how amazing they’re being. About friend drama, about a stressful situation, your cute new pet, anything. If it’ll make you feel better, please, talk to me. Or even anyone else, if you don’t feel like ranting to a stranger.

I love you all, and am working on loving myself. -Candice

[captain-rachel]

So I started Discworld in two different ways... allow me to explain how that is possible.

Freshmen year in college my Anime/Scif-Fi club watched Hogfather before Christmas break. I went home and got a gift card to Barnes & Nobles for Christmas, so I bought the Hogfather and pretty much read it in one day... and proceeded to (somewhat slowly) read a bunch of other books (I’m still not done with reading all of them... I’m not even like 1/4 way there.)

Then I graduated from college, came home... and decided to do a deep cleaning of my room, tossing out stuff that had been just sorta lurking there since I started attending a boarding high school eight years previously.... eventually I get to my closet, where I had a few random things posted on the walls because for some reason there was a point of time where I didn’t have a closet door so I’d decorated.

One of those things were two maps from a online text-based RPG that I had been completely addicted to playing from like 7th grade to the summer between 9th and 10th grade. One map was a (simplified) world map, designed to be used to navigate between the bigger cities/area. The other was the city I’d spent most of my time hanging out in, killing rats and failing to figure out how one joined the Assassin’s Guild.

Yeah somehow 7th grade me stumbled upon the Discworld MUD, got super into it and played it way too much for roughly three years and yet NEVER REALIZED that it was based on a book series!

I love Discworld fans.

“Listen, there are forty-one books in this series that’s been going since the 80′s, so it’s going to be a little daunting! Luckily there are at least forty-one approaches to the reading order, so you’ve got options! Just…don’t start with The Color of Magic, for god’s sake. I mean, theoretically, yes, you could read them in order but hell, who would want to? Start with Guards! Guards!, he’s got the hang of the thing by then. Personally, I read them using this chart!” 

At which point they’ll pull out this lovingly made infographic that probably has sodding footnotes to boot, they’re so goshdarn helpful about it, when honestly, none of us really care which order you read them in, as long as you read them somehow. 

Just…don’t judge the series by The Light Fantastic, wait to read that one after you’ve finished Soul Music or something and feel brave enough to go back. Seriously, the first few books aren’t BAD or anything, but they’re like comparing a sketch in Leonardo’s notebook to The Last Supper.

[starryoak]

What do you think is under Edd's hat? What are your head canons about the dodgeball incident?

… You’re starting out with the big, giant, mother lode of essay questions, ain’t ya? Well, I am TOTALLY OK with that. This is gonna be a FUN month for me; really! I’m actively being encouraged to share my thoughts on characters in a deep and meaningful manner!

First of all, let’s get some CANON up in this bitch; According, officially, to one of the storyboard artists of EE n E, during Ed Edd n’ Eddy’s Big Picture Show, there was going to be a scene explaining the Dodgeball Incident; it was cut for time. However, we have facts about it;  

 In Edd’s old school other students mercilessly targeted him in dodgeball. After “too many hits to the head” as he put it, he finally designed a dodgeball-shooting cannon to retaliate. The resulting injuries to all his classmates scarred Edd much more than any abuse he’d received to his own person. This would have been the origin of his pacifism and a hint at why he was so crushed by the events in A Fistful of Ed. It can also be interpreted as a reason that his family moved to Peach Creek and perhaps it could be responsible for some of the coldness he receives from his parents. Edd has always had an irrational fear of authority and even of himself in some situations. This back story was my attempt to rationalize that without changing the core of his character.Before he revealed this secret, he took off his hat willingly in front of his friends as a sign he was finally comfortable with them. When he did, a newspaper clipping spilled out–with a photo of him when he was younger, in handcuffs, giving a public apology to his school. Its played much like the other scene in the movie where it comes off–you never get to see it, but you get to hear about the dodgeball incident instead. The two things are unrelated.

So with that canonical information out of the way, LET’S GET TO EXTRAPOLATING AND MAKING THIS MISERABLE CANON INTO HORRIFYING HEADCANON!

So first, I do believe there is a scar under there; but it’s not nearly as bad as a lot of people say. It’s more likely that he’s ashamed of the reminder of what happened, and therefore, hides it, since people tend to ask ‘hey, what’s that scar from’, and considering that Edd gets paralyzing flashbacks when reminded of the incident, that’s just not a good idea. So probably a scar, and hair. Not a huge scar, just something that can’t be avoided. Ed and Eddy just overreacted because they like teasing Edd about it, since they don’t know the full story.  Ok, under the hat addressed! Done; onto the fun part. And by fun I mean painful.

First of all, we know, if we interpret the incident to be the reason that Edd moved to Peach Creek, that means that Edd would have been YOUNGER than he appeared in ‘Every Which Way But Ed’. To put this in perspective, look at him.

This tiny little baby was handcuffed and forced into public apology for hurting his classmates so bad that he had to move. THIS CINNAMON ROLL. Well, by appearances.

It’s likely, then, we can extrapolate that Edd was most likely ahead a grade or two when this happened, and probably a first grader, even though he probably belonged in preschool or at the most kindergarten. We know Edd is extremely, extremely intelligent, so this isn’t out of the question at all. We can guess it was 1st grade, since that’s when gym started for me, so there’s that.

Therefore, that places Edd in a situation in which he is much younger than everyone around him, much smarter than everyone around him, and if he’s still as Edd as he ever is, an emotional little kid. That’s just a big, giant painted target over his head screaming “MERCILESSLY TORMENT ME” to anyone mean enough to listen.to those kinds of signs. A giant kick me sign on him wherever he goes, really.

A little kid who’s a total teacher’s pet, who’s more intelligent than you, that’s outdoing you, and yeah, don’t underestimate a young child’s ability to be vengeful or a little asshole; they can and will be. So you’ve got this kid, who everyone dislikes for just being him, just because he’s smart, and the only time you can out perform the little guy is in gym, one that apparently allows dodgeball… it’s safe to say that he certainly got his share of dodgeballs to the face, for sure.

It does worry me how he apparently reacted to this torment; I don’t care about how many dodgeballs to the head one gets, and how I said little kids can be vengeful, the drive to pursue vengeance like one would have to have to build a Gatling gun  at his age, to stay focused on this task and finish it, not forgetting what happened, not abandoning it because it was too hard… that’s really not a normal response.

It’s one thing for kids to torment the smart kid, it’s another for a kid to react to this by deciding to build a freaking machine gun to punish them for doing that. That’s not a spur of the moment decision, it’s premeditated, he had to have felt like this was appropriate for the entire time he built the machine. Edd has a lot of anger issues that he’s been repressing, it’s scary. Double D’s dark side scares me.

I always assumed he messed with the school’s baseball pitching machine until it could shoot out dodgeballs rather than baseballs, and that actually brings me to something personal I headcanon based on the consultation of someone with experience, and also something I headcanon about the dodgeballs themselves; the traditional rubber ones were used at Edd’s school, the hard, over-inflated ones, since, regardless of him overreacting, Edd had to have been hurt by the dodgeballs, and the softer ones made of foam couldn’t have done that.

Anyway; I was actually talking to my dad about the Dodgeball Incident, because my dad is a fun dad who listens to me about nerd things, and he offered his own story about dodgeball that really influenced my interpretation of how the event went down. I told him about the Dodgeball Incident, and he brought up something from his childhood which made him not play dodgeball ever again. My dad was in 9th or 10th grade when one kid, who was literally 7 ft tall… which seems like it would make this analogy ruined, but the point is that this can happen with dodgeballs… the kid threw the ball so hard that it didn’t put a dent in the drywall….

It tore RIGHT THROUGH IT.

Yeah.

That was with the force of a human being tossing it. Building a machine to shoot out those things could achieve that speed and more; the kind of force that dodgeballs can achieve is terrifying. So likely, the damage that Edd did with that… put kids in the hospital. I don’t headcanon anyone dying, but with how damn hard dodgeballs are and how hard a Gatling gun would shoot them, it would probably have given kids broken bones and serious concussions, and probably a few drywalls getting punched through from the force, or dodgeballs embedded in the wall. I don’t think any of the kids besides Edd escaped mostly unharmed. If Edd aimed correctly, and considering Edd, he would aim correctly, the dodgeballs would have hit their targets. I do think the machine did get a single ball lodged in it when it stopped firing, that hit Edd and gave him the scar, but I don’t for a second believe it was anywhere near what the other kids went through.

Again, as mentioned, he was apparently arrested for a short period of time after the incident; whatever he did was serious enough that they considered it a priority to restrain a small, 4 year old child, and then force said terrified, tiny, emotionally unstable 4 year old to apologize to everyone in school who wasn’t in traction, That’s an incredibly cruel reaction, but it clearly shows just how bad what went down was. So again, I’m not pulling that far when I assume things went that terribly; he was outright arrested at 4. All the evidence points to something HORRIBLE happening, worse than what you would assume initially, as you analyze each element.

It’s likely he was expelled, if only because he did literally assault his entire class with a deadly weapon; 4 year old or not, the only reason Edd isn’t in juvy is because he was a toddler. The reaction to have all official (Read; not ran by Kevin) gym activities ban Edd from getting involved if they involve ball sports or bodily harm is completely rational, honestly; even if Edd is so traumatized that he abhors violence to the point of tears, he’s proven that when provoked by being hit by a dodgeball, his reaction is to plot revenge that puts his ‘assailants’ in the hospital. Risking that is not worth it.

It’s entirely likely Edd was in the same neighborhood as the children he put in the hospital, meaning that he would have been reminded of his mistake constantly, but more importantly (in this one case, and for different reasons), reminded his parents of what their child did. I doubt that whatever their job is, that anyone would want to hire the parents of a child so violent that he put an entire class in the hospital. They may have even got hate mail; there really was no other choice but to move somewhere where nobody else would know who they were or what happened.

And that obviously places Edd in a position where he knows, since children aren’t stupid, even ones who aren’t as smart as Edd, that he is the reason his parents are in financial trouble, that he’s causing them harm, that it’s his fault they’re moving… The event clearly left him, (as if I even need to say it) with a fear of disappointing his parents in any way; they take advantage of his fear of authority or disappointing them by making him their maid; he obviously feels he owes it to them to do whatever he can to make up for what he did, and that’s not ok.

He’s terrified of being the reason that his parents lives are anything but perfect, since he clearly already ruined their lives once; he didn’t run away in Big Picture Show just to hide from the angry mob of cul-de-sac kids; he did it so his parents wouldn’t have to live with his mistakes for the second time in their lives. Hell, his letters he tried writing sound distressingly like suicide notes; if his parents were in any way caring for their son, and they found those, it would follow that Edd committed suicide, not that he ran away. But I doubt they noticed.

Have I mentioned how much I hate Edd’s parents?