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publickoccurances · 4 years ago

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Female companions react to Sole coming back from weeks on the road after a big argument, to profess their love for them.

Cait: It felt like a lifetime since she’d last seen Sole. She’d lost track of the time since that nasty row the two of them had. It wasn’t their first fight as a couple. Hell, they had fights all the time. Cait had always put it down to them both being passionate and stubborn people. But this fight, boy oh boy it had been big.

Cait couldn’t exactly remember how it had started. They’d been sat around a campfire in Sanctuary, nursing a drink each. A settler had come over and asked to join them. Now in Cait’s mind they had been having a moment, so when Sole agreed to let someone join them it had enraged her. Even more so when more people joined. Their moment together had been turned into a social gathering.

Maybe it had been the booze, but all Cait could remember was kicking off big time when they were finally alone in their home they’d been sharing. She remembered shouting something along the lines of ‘Yer so busy pussyfooting around this sad lot that you forget who’s stood right in front of ye. Me! I’m stood right here fecking begging for your attention! Who do ye think I am huh? Some pathetic housewife? If ye can’t see how fecking good you’ve got it maybe you should just piss off!’

Why had she been so angry? Sure Sole sometimes was a bit oblivious to her attempts at being affectionate. And it did get a bit frustrating that when she would plan something nice for them Sole would invite any Tom, Dick and Harry to join them. But had it really been such a big deal? Did she really need to drive the person she was falling in love with away?

Just as she was getting lost in her thoughts there was a knock on the door. ‘Who the feck is knocking at this time o’ night?’ Cait muttered to herself as she pulled herself out of bed. Whoever it was that had disturbed her precious ‘wallow in your own self pity’ time would certainly be getting a punch to the jaw.

Cait stumbled to the door. God damn, maybe she’d drank one too many beers tonight. Oh well. She was at the door now. Might as well answer. Her strong hand pulled down the handle. “Now whoever ye think ye are, ye best have a good fecking reason to...” She stopped mid sentence.

“Hey...” A familiar soft voice spoke out.

Cait took a step away from the door, shaking her head slightly. Surely this was a dream?

Sole stepped inside, closing the door behind them. “Look Cait- I just want to say that I’m..”

Cait shook her head before they could even finish the sentence. She could feel rage boiling up inside her. Sole had left. It had been weeks. No word. No news. No nothing. And here they were trying to say sorry???

“You cruel heartless piece of shite!” She roared. Well that had certainly not meant to be as loud as it was. “Fecking weeks I’ve been here waiting on ye! For all I knew ye were some fecking mongrels snack by now, an’ what? Yer just gonna show up outta the blue? Say yer sorry???” Though her voice radiated anger, there was a twinge of hurt. Sole. The one person she had slowly been opening herself up to and they had left.

Sole felt their stomach drop as they watched on. At this point they couldn’t even focus on the insults Cait was hurling at them. No. They were too focused on what seemed to be tears pricking at her eyes. They had never seen Cait cry before. Suddenly Sole zoned back in to what Cait was saying.

“Ye wasn’t supposed to really piss off.” She eventually sighed on defeat, turning away from Sole. She sss trying so hard not to appear weak in front of them. But here she was. Fighting back tears.

Sole stepped forward, reaching our for Caits hand. Even when they felt Cait flinch away they didn’t hesitate to take her hand in their own. They had turned their back on her once, but they weren’t going to do it again. They had sometbing to say and it had to be said now.

“Cait. It’s really important that you listen to what I have to say right now.” Sole pleaded, using their other hand to tilt Caits head so her gaze met their own. “I know you’re so mad at me right now. But I need you to for once shut up and listen to me okay?”

Cait was slightly taken aback. Shut up and listen? Shut up and fecking listen? Who on gods green earth did they think they fecking were? She had in fact been so taken aback that she couldn’t even muster up a reaction, she just blankly stared.

“I fucked up. I fucked up big time.” Sole began, their voice soft and low, eyes on Caits as they spoke. “When you told me to leave I should have known better. I should have stayed- but I was stupid and hurt and I left.” The regret in their voice was clear. Even Cait could see that.

Sole took another step closer as they spoke, as though the closer they got the more likely Cait was to listen. “But Cait I came back because, and please don’t freak out about this, but Cait I came back because I love you.”

Cait felt her cheeks suddenly start to burn. She was blushing? She’d never blushed before. Well. She had but it had always been during sex. Sole loved her? After all the nasty things she had said. Sole loved her?

“I- I don’t-ye... I.” Cait stammered as she tried to throw together a sentence that made any kind of sense. “Ye love me?” There was disbelief in her voice as she repeated what Sole had just said.

Sole was decidedly feeling extremely nervous now. But nonetheless they nodded their head. “I love you.” They repeated yet again.

Suddenly Cait had thrown her arms around them, enough to make Sole stagger backward into the door. Okay so that had certainly been an unexpected reaction.

“And I love you.” Cait almost whispered, as though saying it too loud would cause the walls around them to collapse. “Just do me a favour yeah? Next time I tell ye to piss off- don’t listen to me.”

Curie: Curie tapped her fingers impatiently against her desk as she stared at the terminal screen in front of her. Research notes. She felt like all she did now was stare at research notes.

Life had been much more interesting when Sole had been around. They made Curie feel like she was constantly on her feet, constantly engaging her mind. But that had changed rather suddenly. One outburst of anger and frustration from Curie and Some had simply walked away from her. Despite how cruel that sounded in her mind she still missed them dearly. Sole had been rummaging up feelings in her that she had never felt before. Never even knew existed. But now they were gone.

“You are zo zo stupid Curie.” She mumbled to herself as she continued to stare at the research notes. “Ad’ you not shouted such terrible things Sole would still be ere’, no?”

Since Sole had left Curie had picked up a habit of speaking to herself. It helped her try and forget that awful awful day that she had lost her temper and drove Sole away.

Yes Curie remembered it as though it had only happened yesterday. She had been conducting an experiment in the lab when Sole had blundered in as they did most days. Now usually Curie didn’t mind her lover coming to see her as she worked. But that particular day she was experiencing stress for the first time. A specimen wasn’t reacting the way she had hoped under the microscope. And when Sole had accidentally nudged into her as she was positioning the slide it had pushed her over the edge. Much to her disliking Curie remembered every single word she had said.

‘You clearly ave’ no respect for me, no? I work zo hard ere’ trying to find ways of helping the people of this cruel world. And all you do iz’ ruin everything I work on! Look at what you ave’ done! I ave’ been working on this specimen for weeks and now it iz on the floor! Worthless! My work iz’ clearly worthless to you! You must go. You must go now. I wish for you to leave me be. I ave’ a far more important job than to watch you destroy all I care for.’

It had been the first emotional outburst Curie had ever experienced. She hadn’t meant the things she said. In fact, she knew Sole had a great respect for the work that she carried out. But that day the way they had so carelessly conducted themself had just pushed her right over the edge.

Despite this, she wished for them to come back. It had been weeks. She missed her friend. Her lover. Her Sole. She missed them dearly.

When there was a knock on her door Curie didn’t even look away from her computer. “It iz’ open!” She called out. It was probably the order of fest syringes she had put in.

“Curie... hi.” Sole spoke sheepishly as they stepped into Curies lab. They were extremely nervous. The last time they had seen her she had all but chased them out of this very room.

Curie was of course very shocked to see Sole stood there looking so sheepish. She wasn’t sure what this emotion was she was feeling right now. Whether it was relief or anger she couldn’t tell. All she knew was that for once she was at a complete loss for words.

Sole cleared their throat as they stepped closer. “I um- I know I’ve been gone a while-.’ They began, but were quickly interrupted by Curie.

“It as’ been exactly twelve weeks.” Curie stated simply, eyes meeting Soles as she spoke.

Sole nodded their head. God. Curie didn’t miss a beat did she? Well that was one of the reasons they loved her. Now it was just a case of telling her.

Sole fiddled with their hands as they looked down. “Curie. It broke my heart when you said I didn’t have any respect for you.” They admitted quietly, cheeks slightly flushed with embarrassment. “But I just want you to know that is the absolute furthest from the truth. Because I love you Curie. And it may have taken twelve weeks for me to muster up the courage to tell you. But I love you okay?”

Curie felt a new emotion. A strong emotion. One that had made her vision for slightly blurry as her mind raced. Love. This was what she was feeling. She was feeling love.

“If that iz’ so...” Curie spoke as she placed her hands on Soles shoulder. “If that iz’ so, then perhaps you would help me conduct an experiment? Show me how one might express thiz’ emotion through... through actions?”

Piper: Piper took a long drag from her cigarette as she tapped away at her keyboard with one hand.

“Headline of the week: Still No News From Blue.” She grumbled to herself, trying to keep as quiet as possible. It was late and Nat was sleeping downstairs. The last thing she wanted was to wake her little sister with her grumbling about someone who clearly hadn’t cared for them.

Damn. She had really thought Blue would be different. Sure she had been pretty fiesty in their last argument. And sure some words had been said that she wished she could take back. But to disappear for weeks on end like this? It was just cruel.

Piper sighed as she moved her hand away from the keyboard, taking a long swig of Nuke Cola. “Come on Piper... you’ve got more important things to be writing about.”

But before she could even begin typing again she had a flashback to the argument in question. God it had been so stupid. Sole had gotten drunk, nothing major, just drunk and annoying. Nothing wrong with that? Well. Maybe had they not have been drunk in front of Nat. What the hell had they been thinking? When Piper had invited them to live with her and Nat she thought it would be to strengthen their relationship, not watch the person she’d been falling in love with act so irresponsible around her little sister.

She remembered the night too well. Her and Nat had been awake reading comic books and listening to the evening radio. Just as they were thinking about heading to bed Sole had stumbled in absolutely stinking of whiskey. She had known they were going to the Dugout, but she hadn’t realised they were going to be getting pissed like this. And it wouldn’t have even bothered her had they just have given her a little heads up so she could have made sure Nat was in bed by the time they’d got back. Her little sis was precious and Piper wasn’t ready to expose her to certain things. Not yet.

The argument that had followed had been terrible. Piper had told Sole to get some fresh air while she got Nat off to bed. And when she joined them outside of the building she didn’t hesitate to lay into them.

‘Blue I told you I didn’t want you being drunk around Nat! She’s seen enough people in states in this city and the last thing that kid needs is to see the person she idolises an absolute mess! Look at you, you can’t even stand up properly! How could you be so fucking irresponsible. I asked you to move in with me because I thought we were going to move onto the next step of our relationship! I thought we were going to- you know what it doesn’t even matter. I want you gone! I don’t want you in my house or near my sister.’

Of course she had only meant for the night. All Piper had wanted was for Sole to sober up and apologise. She had just wanted them to be a little more responsible. But no. They had to take what she said so literally and leave? It had broke her heart. It had broke Nats heart. And here she was at half past midnight now crying silently at her desk as she remembered the last thing she had said to her Blue.

Suddenly Pipers head shot up. Did she just hear a knock on the door? Not even the front door. The door that lead out into the roof? She raised her eyebrow and cautiously moved to the door. Hell she was in no state to entertain right now. Especially when all she wss wearing was an oversized tshirt that had once belonged to Sole.

Piper took a deep breath as she opened the door. She didn’t know who to expect at this time. But when she realise who was stood on the other side she was shocked.

“B-Blue?” Piper gasped quietly. She couldn’t tell if she was super happy or super angry to see them. But nonetheless, she stepped back, allowing them to come inside.

“Sorry if I scared you.” Sole whispered as they rubbed the back of their head. “I figured Nat would be asleep by now and I didn’t want to wake her by knocking on the front door.”

Piper was lighting up another cigarette as Sole spoke. She felt tense. And these magic sticks always made her feel less tense. “I appreciate that.” She had composed herself now. Her tone was slightly cold. It was clear she was looking for Sole to explain themselves now they intial shock had passed.

“It’s been a while huh?” Sole chuckled as they perched themself on the edge of the bed they had once shared with Piper. God they felt so stupid right now.

“Twelve weeks to the day- I mean. I think.” Piper nodded stiffly. Damn it Piper. Don’t sound like you’ve been missing them and counting the days. Be strong. They had hurt you remember.

Sole nodded slowly, looking down to their feet. “You- you look good.”

Piper was starting to get a bit pissed off. Had they really come to her door in the middle of the night to make small talk after disappearing for weeks? What the hell was their deal?

“I know. I always do.” She muttered confidently as she stubbed the cigarette out in an ashtray Sole had made for her. God damn that wasn’t helping her appear cold and uncaring.

“Listen Blue. I don’t know what you came here expecting-.” Piper began to speak but was cut off by a pair of soft lips suddenly meeting her. She couldnt help but melt into the kiss for a moment. But she stuck to her guns and pushed her ex lover away. “No. You don’t get to do that. Not after what you’ve put me through.” As she was speaking Sole was trying to place a piece of paper into her hands. What the hell were they playing at?

Piper let out a frustrated sigh as she looked at the paper. Her hands starting to shake ever so slightly as she read what had been written onto it in a rather artist way. ‘Headline of the week: Blue Loves You Piper’.

“Blue loves you piper... blue loves you piper... wait.” It suddenly clicked and she started into Blues large and now watering eyes. “You- you love me?”

Sole watched her carefully. Nodding their head slowly. They were too scared to speak. Scared that she was gonna be mad at them and kick them out again.

“Well. You’ve got a lot of making up to do.” Piper sighed softly, but a small smile was now tugging at her lips. “But I love you too.”

#fallout #gaming #piper wright #bethesda #fallout 4 #fanfic #curie #Cait #fallout companions react #fallout companions #fallout 4 companions

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cozyrei · 5 years ago

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A Playful Heart Chapter 1

This chapter will have transphobic and homophobic language and cursing. Please be warned.

Sera Masumi couldn't believe it. One day, she was fine, the next day she was growling at everyone. Am I a monster? I have to be a monster, otherwise I wouldn't be growling at everyone I come across. She thought as she looked in the mirror as she felt her face. She hissed when she had accidentally scratched herself with her sharp claws. "Where's Mama when I need her?" Masumi asked herself. She didn't know that there was a full moon right outside of the hotel room's window and it was shining very brightly.

"Right here." A childish, yet mature voice answered Masumi's question and Masumi was shocked by her appearance. She then placed her hands behind her back, not knowing how her mother was going to react to her new problem. Mary rolled her eyes, ready to clobber Masumi for her actions but she knew that the girl didn't know. After all, Mary knew that the gene didn't skip her and it definitely didn't skip Masumi. "You don't have to hide yourself, Masumi. I know." Mary tells Masumi and Masumi dropped her hands as she felt her claws grew even more sharper.

"Hurts." Masumi whimpered out and Mary was right by her side as Masumi experienced her first transformation and she growled. When the transformation was over, Mary was shocked to see that Masumi was like a puppy, a werewolf puppy. So, she gets the the most harmless werewolf gene that ever existed while I get the feral werewolf gene? Life is so cruel to me. Mary thought as she watched her youngest and only daughter, sniff at her own clothes.

"Even as a werewolf puppy, she is still a child." Mary spoke to herself. She then noticed what Masumi was about to do and she glared at Masumi. "Don't you dare use the bathroom on the floor. Go to the bathroom!" Mary growled out at Masumi and Masumi yelped in fear and she ran to the bathroom. When she was finished, she was greeted by her mother. "Do I have to do everything for you, now?" Mary asked Masumi and the girl stood up. Her ears twitched and she scratched herself like a dog and Mary smiled, glad that Masumi had the werewolf puppy gene but she knew that the more transformations Masumi would have, the more dangerous her werewolf form would become. Even if she does have the werewolf puppy gene, it can turn into a feral werewolf gene. Mary thought as she watched Masumi look into the mirror as she pulled at the fur on her face. Mary knew that fighting off her transformation was hurting her and she decided to transform as well in order to cope with the burning pain. Masumi whimpered when her mother stood over her. Mary growled at Masumi and Masumi barked back an answer. Mary then walked to her room and she motioned for Masumi to follow with her head. Masumi followed her mother inside of the room. Mary plopped onto her bed and she grabbed Masumi and she held her close. She softly growled at Masumi and Masumi fell asleep, feeling safe in her mother's arms.

The next morning, Masumi yawned and she rubbed at her eyes. She then realized that she was back to normal as she checked over herself and she sighed in relief. "That wasn't a dream, by the way." Mary tells her daughter, who sighed.

"Yeah, I kinda figured that out." Masumi tells her mother. Mary didn't tell Masumi to get off of her yet and Masumi was waiting for it.

"You were waiting on me to yell at you to get off of me, weren't you?" Mary accused Masumi but she knew that was her normal reaction and she sighed when she saw that Masami had blushed at being found out. I can't do that to her now in any case. That was her first transformation and she is going to get clingy after a while. Mary thought as she leaned up in her bed. Masumi was still holding to her shirt and she knew that she can't just leave Masumi without an explanation about what the fuck had happened last night. "I will answer your question about last night after we get breakfast. Get off of me so I can get presentable. You can cling onto me when I'm ready." Mary promised her daughter. After Mary had put on more suitable clothes, she then looked into the mirror and she hated that she wasn't in her adult body. It wouldn't look weird if my teenage daughter was clinging onto her adult mother's adult body but now that I'm a child once again, it'll just look weird. She thought.

Masumi seemed to have the same thoughts as she avoided clinging onto her mother even though she was her mother. I wish that Mama was back to normal already. Masumi thought as she whined to herself about the thought. She wanted her mother to have her normal body back, but there was no way she could help her mother get back to normal now! When they went down for breakfast, Mary immediately stopped Masumi from going any further than she was. "Ma-mary?" Mary hated that Masumi had almost ruined it when she watched people stare at her and Masumi. Someone approached Masumi and Mary felt her maternal instincts go off when the boy looked at Masumi in a very rude way.

"You're a fag?" The boy asked and Masumi winced at the term. Where do he get off? I don't look gay. For that matter, I'm a lesbian. She thought to herself. She didn't like those types of terms as she seen what it has done to the people they were directed towards. And here I was, getting excited for my hormone therapy. She knew that she had to be chirpy when she noticed the way her mother was looking and she shuddered at how murderous the woman was looking.

"I'm a girl." Masumi answered weakly. The boy laughed at how hurt the girl sounded and he then grabbed the girl's shirt, pulling her towards his face.

"So, you're a tranny, then?" The more insults the boy pulled out of his ass, the more enraged Mary gotten. Mary knew that Masumi was bound to come across people like this but she didn't know that it was this bad. Mary growled when she saw that tears were threatening to spill from Masumi's eyes but for some reason, the girl glared at the boy that was still holding her by her shirt and she grabbed his wrist and she held on tightly with one hand. The boy released her due to the pain in his wrist but she then punched him in his face for his comments towards her. Mary gasped in horror. Holy shit, that werewolf gene is acting up like crazy now! Mary thought as she watched Masumi nearly break the boy's wrist.

"Where do you get off, insulting me like that? What does my personal life matter to you, anyway? I don't you and you sure as hell don't know me. Now, please, leave me alone." Masumi spoke very calmly to the boy that had insulted her and yet, she was still polite to him. The boy gasped at Masumi's growing anger as she glared at him and she released his hand. The boy rubbed his wrist and she slowly relaxed as she realized that she needed to calm down. "Please, don't ever insult someone like that ever again." Masumi warned the boy and she walked away while holding Mary's hand. As they went to the breakfast room, Mary questioned Masumi.

"What the hell? You suffer through that shit?" Mary asked Masumi and Masumi clinched her other fist.

"Yeah, it's shitty but it's doable." Masumi didn't have to tell her mother that their words hurt. She knew that her mother knew that their words hurt. She didn't have to explain to her mother that the words does make her think about the what ifs but Masumi knew that she was happy the way she was. She is a girl and she will forever be a girl even if someone say she should be a he.

"You still shouldn't suffer through all of that, Masumi." Mary tells Masumi but Masumi shrugged her shoulders, knowing that she forever have to deal with transphobic people due to their not understanding. She was just glad that the most important person knew and understood, which was her mother.

"I'm okay as long as you understand, Mama." Masumi spoke quietly and this told Mary that Masumi was through with the conversation for now and she respected her decision as she hugged Masumi with her little arms. She wished that she was in her adult body because she knew that was the only way to give her the comfort she sought from her mother. After they had gotten breakfast, Mary made good on her promise to tell Masumi about their family secret.

"Masumi, do you remember what happened after your transformation?" She asked Masumi and the girl thought about it before she frowned slightly.

"I remember the transformation but nothing after that." She admitted to her mother and Mary frowned. I knew that was going to happen. People who transform into werewolves can't remember anything unless they have been werewolves for a long time, like me. She thought as she looked at her daughter. She remembered what happened after her transformation and she did nothing but comfort Masumi after her first transformation into a werewolf.

Mary sighed as she held onto Masumi's shoulders. "Masumi, in our family, there's a curse that befalls quite a few of our family members. Sometimes, they lose themselves in the curse but others use it to help other people. This is a curse that transforms us into werewolves. There is a mark that is always on our shoulders that proves it. It is shaped in the form of werewolf claws and it is only visible when the moon is shining brightly. You can not let any regular see that mark, Masumi. It will spell danger for you and I love you too much to let anything happen to you." Mary tells Masumi and the girl was shocked by her mother being emotional.

"I won't let anyone see the mark, Mama." Masumi tells her mother and Mary sighed in relief as she checked Masumi's shoulder to check that there wasn't the mark on her shoulder. It will come back when the moon is full again. Mary thought as she knew this as she massaged the shoulder where her mark belongs.

And that is the ending of the first chapter of A Playful Heart! Please tell me what you thought about the chapter and I will start Chapter 2 of the story soon.

#fanfiction #detective conan #sera masumi #sera mary #werewolves #family curse #alternate universe

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thelonelytraveler11 · 6 years ago

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Is this really the best I can do?!

It's been three years since I've done any form of research. I haven't worked in almost three years. Just in case anyone's wondering, yes, I filled out job applications (a lot, like ~250 before I gave up). For the past couple years, I've been living off my savings, the little bit of money I get from my family, and the little bit of money I get from having part time jobs. My work experience since dropping out has been pretty dismal (on average), I haven't been able to hold down a job that gave an appreciable amount of money for longer than 3 months at a time without being fired or being so miserable that I just said "fuck it" and quit.

I understand the concern some may have. You may consider it my fault for being unemployed. Quitting a job that I'm miserable while doing may seem irrational or irresponsible, but speaking as a person who spent almost the entirety of his college years being miserable, I can say with all honesty that being broke is better than being miserable. I envy those that can’t seem to comprehend my way of thinking, because that probably means they have a very good life. I wouldn't want to work in an environment that negatively affects my emotional state for 4 decades anyways. Having disposable income isn’t more important than my well being. Having a job I actually enjoy doing is very important to me because I don't have many sources of happiness in my life.

I'm kind of a loner. I don't have a strong relationship with any of my relatives and I don't have friends anymore (and even more troubling, I don't care to have those types of relationships anymore). The only potential source of happiness is my job. I don't foresee me failing in love or developing a close relationship with anyone. If the current trend continues, I think its more probable that it doesn’t happen.

I feel numb most of the time and when I do feel something, I'm usually thinking about my college days and that something is usually anger. It honestly was my biggest regret, going to the University of Illinois. Sometimes I wished I never went to college. Literally the only thing that was even remotely good about my college experience was my grades, everything else sucked. Looking back, I wish I went back to working at CVS after I graduated from HS.

In the alternate timeline, I probably would have been better off in the long run (very little stress, no debt, live rent free at my mom's house for a couple of years after graduation while working a presumably full time job which would enable me to save up a fair amount of cash before moving out). Instead, I came away with nothing. My college education was completely worthless, I reaped no benefits from being a degree recipient. All I did was waste 7 years of my life and thousands of other people’s dollars studying stuff that ultimately wouldn't matter. If I were a benefactor for the UIUC department of chemistry, I would be pissed to hear my story because that means my money isn't being put to good use, especially if I added into one of the scholarships that was awarded to me.

So, I know what your wondering, why am I writing this post? Well, I was trying to get ride time with CFD and I called for a specific person that wasn't in. Someone took a message and wrote my name down as Joel Dennison. Dennison was the last name of the NMR guy at UCI. That got me thinking about my college days and how I hated basically everyone. I caught myself looking through emails and for the most part, the more I read, the more I remembered, the more enraged I got. Now that's one sure fire way to put me in a bad mood, get me thinking about the bad ol' days. I bet many of the people I went to grad school with are enjoying their careers, while I was completely forgotten (and if they're not enjoying them, well at least they have them).

I’ve always wondered why were the other students so complicit? Is racism really that prevalent? Is there something else going on? See, it's one thing to not say anything while they were still students because it runs the risk of them being treated like I was treated. But to not even offer a helping hand even after their careers were established, knowing what they know, is un-fucking-real.

I never really felt welcomed in chemistry. People seemed to be more in love with the idea of me. I noticed the longer I stayed, the worse I was treated. At U of I, it was .... kinda bad. I experienced a form a discrimination where I would have written essentially the same answer as my lighter counterparts but received lower grades (slightly lower, but still). People assumed I did well in certain classes because the professor "liked me" (pretty sure no one at U of I liked me much). People also made statements that are crazy racist and then tried to pass them off as jokes. I fucking hated life in Champaign-Urbana.

SIDE NOTE: the following story doesn't necessarily reflect the chemists, but it does represent a subset of the student body at U of I. So, I'm sitting in the cafeteria with three dudes I already knew and some guy from the next table looks over to me and says "Sorry, if I offended you". I calmly replied "what did you say?" And Oh....My....God.... the look of utter fear was plastered all over his face. I said, "What did you say?", again, calmly. I can not stress enough that I was visibly calm throughout this entire situation. And then I noticed he was shivering, I figured I would warm up a lil bit by using my hot ass breath, so I repeated the question louder and slower (you know, to give the guy's body time to come to thermal equilibrium), again.......calmly. He was still frozen in fear. So now I am mentally gearing up to jump across this table to snatch this little boy's neck out from under him. And then something miraculous happened, my tunnel vision broke down and I realized someone was calling me. It was Jon (one of the kids I was sitting with) telling me to drop it...so I did......so, yeah, that's the story of how I almost got kicked out of U of I for snatching the neck out from under some little white kid during sophomore year.  

But there was one instance of me being the butt of racist jokes in chemistry that I can remember. Then UIUC grad student, John Overcash (who I believed worked for Ken Suslick), made mention of me "cooking crack up in the kitchen" on more than one occasion. Apparently, since I was a black chem major (that specialized in organic chemistry) I must have been a drug dealer beforehand. Or maybe he thought I was a drug dealer then....who knows...

To make matters worst, people have used the stuff other people made up to put themselves a head of me. Senior year I had an interview with eli lilly. My interview was at 9 am and there was one person interviewing before me at 8 am. The 8 am slot was taken by one Joseph Cullen (a fellow undergrad). During the end of his interview , I could vaguely hear what was said, but it sounded like Cullen told the interviewers that I was a drug dealer. The door opens up, the interviewer shoots me a look and goes into the room where my interviewers were and talks to them. Meanwhile Cullen walks past me. I give him a thumbs up and he walks away chuckling to himself. These are not good signs. I can’t say for certain that these people really believed I was a drug dealer, but their behavior suggested it. It was their reaction to me saying the phrase "nice white crystalline product", that’s what suggested it. I was describing the physical characteristics of the product from a reaction I ran and it just so happen to be a white crystalline solid (...smh). What I want to know why were these people so quick to believe Cullen? Yes, what Cullen said could be true (which it wasn't) but couldn't it also be true that he's trying to give himself a better chance of getting a job by undercutting the competition?

I wish I got a job offer as an undergrad. I honestly didn't want to go to grad school, but I had no other choice. Visiting grad schools was a whole ordeal, I was told in one way or another that I wasn’t welcomed ... at every school. At Scripps I was told explicitly that I wasn’t good enough to be there by complete strangers (how exactly would they know given that they never assessed my ability to think ... who knows). At Indiana University, I was placed in a hotel room by myself because they heard I slept naked. At UCI, I was told that I wouldn’t make it pass my first year (again, by complete strangers). At Caltech, I was told I didn’t belong because I was a drug dealer (or that I look like a drug dealer, apparently).

Now, I ask you, how do drug dealers look exactly? What are they’re defining characteristics? I ask because if you asked someone who lived in Champaign-Urbana for four years to imagine what a drug dealer looks like, they might imagine a srcawny white boy in a frat (not someone that looks like me). What makes the Caltech visit even weirder was that Prof. Sarah Reisman was just standing by, staring at me while I was being told I didn’t belong (by the help, you know, the people who was serving drinks). It was like she was trying to read my facial expressions to get a sense of what type of person I was (or am). Or was she using the help as a proxy to express her own thoughts (I’m not sure)? Was she waiting for me to “defend myself”?  How would I be able to do that exactly?

SIDE NOTE: it’s impossible to defend yourself when there’s no evidence for or against whatever accusations there may be. It all comes down to what people choose to believe. The help has already chosen to believe I’m a drug dealer (or at least look like one) and I’m willing to bet there’s really nothing I can really do about.

No matter how I analyze the situation, Reisman’s behavior does not reflect positively on her as a person. I’m not sure if she knows this, but she was the primary reason I had to not go to Caltech. I found her behavior to be very off-putting and I got the sense that she didn’t really want me to go to school there. On top of that there was talk of her wanting to have (oral) sex.  

DISCLAIMER: I am effectively asexual, I don’t have sex ... with anyone ... or anything (yes, I actually needed to say both).

Now, I didn’t believe the talk when I first heard it because I thought there was no way a self-respecting, competent professor would admit to wanting to engage in a sexual relationship with a perspective student ... this is what I choose to think. However, the more I heard of her desires to have (oral) sex, the more I believed it. But I never fully accepted the rumors as the truth until my first year at UCI. Reisman came to Irvine for a talk and as always almost all the Organic students showed up. Before the event, I was sitting at the small table with another grad student in my year, her name was Beth R. (I don’t know how to spell her last name and I’m not going to try to google it). Beth ended up mentioning how pretty Reisman looked .... I “mmmhmmm”ed her. I could hear the chatter going on behind me, Reisman seemed mildly disappointed that I didn’t agree. Beth soothed her ill feelings by saying that I didn’t disagree. After the event, I was talking to Prof. Scott Rychnovsky and Reisman came up in the conversion. This was the final nail in the coffin that made me believe the rumors were true. It wasn’t the fact that he said she would’ve blown me, it was the fact that he said it soooo enthusiastically. He was as enthused as a person could possibly be in a professional/academic setting. No one should that enthused by the thought of a man getting his dick sucked as much as Rychnovsky was by the thought of Reisman putting my dick in her mouth, no one. It was kinda weird.  

The thought this woman hocking loogies on my dick tip, and imagining the sensation of warm saliva slowly rolling down my shaft (as I quote lines from the movie, Shaft (the Samuel L. Jackson version...obviously)) as I knock my head back, praying to god that I don’t come away from this situation with paper cuts (she has thin lips) just to look back down after noticing she paused just so she could fill the waves from my pulsating erection and make eye contact as she goes deeper and increases the pace eventually moving to the point where she starts straggling my balls and moaning like Lady Gaga singing a lullaby to baby while stroking my hard cock until I cum for her as Nicole Nava sits beside her while taking notes shouldn’t be even remotely amusing.....TO ANYONE...EVER!!!!!! But apparently to Rychnovsky, it was. It was at that moment I never wanted to be affliated with Caltech as long as Reisman was there. If Caltech and Illinois were the only two places that offered me jobs after finishing the PhD, I’d have to change careers. 

Okay, so here’s the thing. I don’t really view professors as people. When I was a student, they were more like encyclopedias that could talk to me. They simply took the form of a human, kinda like a barbie doll. They’re anatomically incorrect, they lack genitalia, so they don’t have a gender. I honestly, believed this. One time, during senior year, I walked in the third floor bathroom in RAL and I saw Prof Steven Zimmerman taking piss. My face immediately screws all the way up, my inside voice says “How is he standing up and taking a piss when he doesn’t have a dick?”.....I thought that....I literally thought that....I shit you not. Just so you know, it wasn’t just Zimmerman, it was every professor. The women are doubly dickless, in my mind Suzanne Blum was like —(Mia Khalifa) because she has negative two dicks inside of her at all times.

DISCLAIMER: just so we’re clear, I’m NOT alluding to the fact that Blum has to get people to agree to have sex with her. Nor am I alluding to the assertion she’ll probably be nothing more than an afterthought for literally anyone. I’m merely trying to stress the fact that I don’t think of professors as people, but as encyclopedias that can talk to me.

I was made to feel unwlecomed at every school I visited. Why? Well, you'll have to ask them. I can honestly say that by the time graduation (from U of I) came around I didn't believe that i would have a successful career as a chemist, but I put everything into this so I couldn't just leave...

Grad school was even worst because on top of being the black kid, I was also the social pariah. The other students did a real good of making me feel unwelcomed. So much so that after two weeks of living in Irvine I stopped trying to make friends. No one seemed interested in being cool with me (I'm basing this off people's behavior ... obviously). And if some of them were, the way they showed it was so unique that I couldn't even recognize it as a sincere attempt to get my attention.

I also experienced some the same stuff I did when I was at U of I. Namely, instructors not giving me what I earned. In Dave VanVraken’s class I always received the second highest score on the exams. The really curious thing is that no one knows who received the top score. Once, when I asked to see the printed out distribution, the TA refused to show me (why?). I'm willing to bet that single point ahead of me was a dummy point. In Liz Jarvo’s class, when the first exam came around, we found out the high score was a 83. Who got the high score?...no one knows, but when I received my test the number 38 was written on (Also note I just so happen to get the same score as the other kid from U of I). At first, I was puzzled and glanced over to Peg (the TA). She sees my score, turns to Jarvo and says "he knows he didn't get that low". While I don't remember Jarvo’s exact words, she stated in some way that I would come to her and argue my case for a higher grade. So, here's the thing. I shouldn't have to defend myself or argue with you to ensure that I'm treated like everyone else. It should be a given.  

From what I hear the reason why I was treated this way has something to do with them not wanting me to "talk stuff" to the other students.  

Okay, so where is this coming from? I ask because I’ve been me long enough to know their opinion of what I’m like isn’t actually based off me. If they actually talked to my fellow classmates, the most common thing you’d probably hear is that I’m quiet. So either these people are just making up stuff to justify treating me how they want to treat me or my classmates are liars. I’m not really the type to talk about my grades (or really anything) unless the topic is explicitly brought up in conversation (and this is assuming I feel like talking at all). You can dress it up however you want, but treating me like a second class student for any reason solely reflects poorly on you (it gives no indication as to what I’m like). There were instances like this in half the classes I took. Some, admittedly were a smaller deal than others. In Vanderwal’s class I got marked off once because I didn’t draw both arrows in a mechanism that included a homolytic cleavage. For those that don’t know, if a homolytic cleavage occurs and you show one electron going in one direction, it is assumed that the other electron goes in the opposite direction and therefore does not need to be explicitly stated (minor, but mildly annoying). In polymer chemistry (taught by Aaron Esser-Khan), we had one assignment where we needed to propose something that wasn’t in the primary literature. I proposed a polymerization based off a derivative of the Hiyama coupling. Khan’s critique was that since it wasn’t already in the primary literature, it probably wasn’t a good idea ... really?! And don’t even get me started on spec because that spec TA was sketchy as fuck. He intentionally told me the wrong due date for a homework assignment and I’m pretty sure he shaved a couple points off one of my exams...

Okay, so these experiences are only a subset of the shitty things I experienced as a UCI student. But do you know what made life at UCI worst than life at U of I? My research advisor (Suzanne Blum)....and to a slightly lesser extent my fellow group members. Over the years I grew to hate them. I was lied about, I had a homework assigns hidden behind water coolers (Darius Faizi), I’ve had the nitrogen lines removed from air sensitive reactions (Darius Faizi, Suzanne Blum), I had products from reactions switch out for reagent alcohol (it’s a mixture of ethanol, methanol, and isopropanol) (Josh Hirner), I’ve had septums removed from reaction mixtures (Josh Hirner), I’ve had people try to placate me with sex (Katrina Roth), I’ve had people try to use the fact that I was in an agitated state to get something they wanted (Katrina Roth), I’ve had people turn on the indoor lights in my car in an effort to drain my battery while I’m allowing them to use my car to practice driving so they can get a U.S. driver’s license (Muhammed Al-Amin), I’ve had people ask questions just so they can not listen to the answer (Chao Zheng, Drew), I’ve experienced asking people for help just so they can not even try to help brainstorm what the answer could be (Darius Faizi, Kim Tu), I helped others brain storm shortcomings for a proposal, just to catch an attitude when they realize I didn’t catch everything the first time around (Quinn Easter).  

SIDE NOTE: To provide context, Quinn asked me to look through a synthetic route in his proposal that he was intending to present in his advancement to candidacy exam. There was something I didn’t immediately see but did bring up during a group when he was giving a practice presentation. He became visibly upset and mentioned he thought I was trying to make him look bad. If I was really trying to make you look bad, I wouldn’t have told you anything, so that you would’ve made the same mistakes when it actually mattered. Quinn, you’re an idiot.  

l’ve had people call me after I already dropped out and given up on chemistry from a redacted telephone number claiming to be an official representative of UCI calling me in an effort to get my address (Suzanne Blum, Ashley Davis), and I’ve had the experience where I ask for information pertinent to group website maintenance and they act like I’m hitting on them (Adena).

SIDE NOTE:  This is something that always amused/offended me, having someone assume I’m attracted to them because I acknowledged their existence. It’s funny because because they have the audacity ... but it’s also offensive because the operating assumption is that I don’t have standards, which couldn’t be further from the truth. (They seem to make a lot of faulty assumptions)

What was this experience suppose to teach me? How was I supposed to become a better person or scientist because of my affiliation with the group/university? Me coming to Irvine and working for Blum was a total waste of my time. I’m not entirely sure what her deal was, but it seemed she had a preconceived notion of who I was. No matter what type of relationship we have (or suppose to have) this will cause problems where there shouldn’t be.  

Is the request that someone’s opinion of you is actually based on you too much to ask for? Because I feel it’s a basic request that most people should be able to easily do. The contemptuous treatment did subside with time (mostly because I avoided talking to other students when ever possible) but it never really stopped. Why did it start to begin with? I’m willing to bet the only things they don’t like about me has everything to do with me reacting to the way they treat me. Again, I have to ask, is racism really that prevalent? 

Then one day, I started getting so fed up with life that I decided I needed an escape, even if it’s only for a couple weeks. So, I started planning a trip to Europe. I worked hard in the weeks coming up to the trip. I was trying to finish my entire project before I left (sadly, I didn’t, but I tried). Things were looking on the up and up. Before I left, Blum even said I was meeting her expectations, that was the nicest thing she ever said to me (it was the nicest thing anyone at UCI has ever said to me). I went off on my trip, and during the middle of it I received an email essentially telling me that my time at UCI was finished. Why? I still don’t know. 3 years later and I still don’t know why my career was ended before it was even given a chance to start. It’s hard to move on with your life when you don’t have closure. It’s really hard to move on when you still have to live with consequences of other people’s actions.

SIDE NOTE: I got the sense sometimes that Suzanne Blum did not really care about her job 100% of the time. I’m not entirely sure what to make of it. It’s like, either she truly didn’t understand the importance of her role (as the leader of a research group) or she truly doesn’t give a shit. Either way, she doesn’t deserve to be in the position she’s in.  

I still remember my last day in Irvine. It was bitter sweet. I was so happy to finally get to leave but also a bit anxious because I knew that the thousands of hours I spent studying and doing research was time wasted and it would never amount to anything. I knew I wasn’t going to get a job with my credentials. I even saw Eric (the other kid from U of I) in the student center when I went over to get lunch. He was looking at me all sad and shit because he knew I didn’t have a future in chemistry. We didn’t talk, we just walked past each other and exchanged glances. I tried to conceal a smile as I walked by. By the time my Dad’s flight landed, I had moved most of the stuff out my apartment.  

Life at home was hard. Depression is a mother fucker. I liken it to a less severe version of sleep paralysis. I felt like I was stuck in my own body. Kinda like how I felt in the early Irvine days when it would take me hours to roll out of bed. I would literally wake at 6 am and just stare at the ceiling for ~4 hrs before I could convince myself to get up. And to make things worst, no emotional support was offered by my family. Their assumptions that I’m somehow responsible for other people’s actions along with their snide remarks about me being lazy did the opposite of help. I regretted coming home, even more so when I found out I somehow failed the background check for CPD.  

Now, how in the holy fuck does someone without a criminal record fail a background check? The only reasonable thing I could come up with to explain this is that the work experience I listed (my research experience) doesn’t count as work experience because instead of working for a salary, I worked for credit hours or a stipend. I have to tell myself things like this to convince myself I’m not getting screwed over in every facet of my life. If this is true, then my college experiences are doubly worthless because not only can the credentials I’ve earned not be used to get a job I’m more than qualified to do, but they can’t even get me a job you don’t even need a bachelor’s degree for.  

I wish I moved to LA after dropping out. If I stayed in Cali, I’d be force to move on with my life because I wouldn’t be able to sulk in my mother’s house for months. What would I do for work? idk...but I’d find something, and when I get fired, I’d just move on to the next dead end job.

As time went on, I found it easier to move, I still have scars though. Scars that may never heal. What can I do from here on out? I’m not sure. Going back to graduate school isn’t an option (or any program that requires letters of recommendations) because after experiencing what I’ve experienced and allowing those that I depended on for letters of rec to learn about my experiences, everyone seemed to be complicit. Either they didn’t do anything to change the course of action or it seemed like they were trying to cover it up by telling me to take the site down. I lost faith in everyone, I don’t think I can trust any of the profs to submit a letter of rec on my behalf when they either have done something that goes against my interests, are complicit in the wrong doing of others, or seem as though they’re attempting to cover up what happened to me. Even if I could get in anywhere, I still don’t want to go back to school. I lost faith in higher education. I lost faith in people. Whatever I do, I have to be able to do it without a college degree.

Just in case you’re wondering, I can’t depend on my college friends either. Mostly because I wasted no time trying to make friends. I’ve come to believe that friends are a worthless luxury.

I honestly believed that if I studied hard and knew my shit someone would hire me. I was wrong. I learned the hard way that to the outside world you are not you. You are not the sum total of your thoughts and actions. You are your skin color. You are your hair texture. You are the clothes you wear on your back. You are what people choose to believe you are. You are not you. People don’t care to get to know the people around them, they just want to feel as though their justified in believing the way they do. So I guess in order to get by in life you just need to be everyone’s friend and present yourself in such a way that everyone deems acceptable. Having the skills needed to do the job is more of an afterthought, huh? You know, one of the corollaries is that you’re expected to exhibit a certain level of extroversion. Welp, it just so happens to be the case that I’m an introvert and if the previous statements have some truth then I can honestly say this system was set up for me to fail. The only way I can get by in life is because I’m better than the other guy. No one will ever choose me because I’m their best friend.

I believe that’s where some of my problems stem from. When people see my face, they expect an extrovert (or at least someone who is more extroverted than me). When they find out I’m not who they want me to be, the reactions can range from essentially nothing, to mild disappointment, to mild hostility. And I think this is because people are more interested in the idea of me than actually getting to know me. So when they meet me and actually get to know me after building me up in their heads they’re kinda like “...oohh, this is it?!”. I don’t understand people. It’s like people just assume that you’re going to conform to their world view while refusing to even bend to yours. Now, I’m totally opposed to the very concept of “fitting in” because of all that. I got the sense “fitting in” means assimilation, which may involve losing qualities that make you unique (ones you may actually like about yourself). I don’t see why I should change in any way for people I don’t like, that I don’t see the benefit of being associated with, or for people that never liked me to begin with. People even sometimes mock my behavior, presumably because I’m not what they want me to be and this is just their way of trying to get me to conform. 

The most recent example of this is my cousin Sonia (she’s multicultural). I went to her graduation party during the summer. And as with most family functions, it pretty much consisted of me sitting quietly most of the time. So fast forward to when it’s time to go home. My mother and 2/3 of my brother’s children are making their way to the car, noticing the third one is missing I go back for her. As I’m making my way up the front porch, three of my cousins (one of which is Sonia) are in my path and I say “watch out”. As I walk past Sonia, she says something along the lines of “woah, he must be serious....” while laughing... I’m going to say this once, “Mocking my behavior because I don’t act how you want me to act will never help anything”...... unless you’re actively trying to get me to dislike you. I have to remember that Sonia is just a child. Maybe it hadn’t dawn on her yet that there’s more to life than what she’s experienced. She’s probably never met a person like me, so she won’t know what to say in order to get me to interact with her. But then I’m like, “But what makes her think making herself look like an ass would actually help her in any capacity?” How does this explain the behavior of grown ass men and women who do the same thing?”. I wonder if it’s a cultural thing, and these people just don’t realize how bad they make themselves look to people that aren’t like them.  

On the way home, I started thinking, “Is this really the best I can do?”. Have I been doomed to live a life where I’m not really happy? No, it can’t be the case. I still have faith. I may not have faith in other people anymore, but I still have faith in myself. I believe I can make something out of nothing, even if no one else does.

After going through all I’ve gone through, all I want is to not suffer anymore. I just want to be insanely rich for no reason. This won’t solve all my problems but it will eliminate many. If I ever come into having an ungodly amount of money, I’d give some of it to my family so they can afford many of the things that they want in life. Then I’d disappear, never to be seen or heard from again. 

I’ve become acutely aware of the fact that people want to learn useless knowledge without ever having to talk to me.

DISCLAIMER: the knowledge is useless because we won’t/don’t have a relationship of any sort. Why waste your time learning information that isn’t relevant to your life?

So I’m going to take this opportunity to answers some personal questions because the thing I hated the most about you people is your unique combination of arrogance, ignorance, and obliviousness. While I can’t help with the arrogance and the obliviousness, I can help with your total lack of knowledge. So, without further ado ...

QUESTION TIME

Did you ever like life in Champaign county?

I was excited to be there in the beginning, then I met the people and all that excitement went away quick.

What’s your fondest memory from college?

That one time when Chipotle was doing that 2 for 1 deal. That was cold.

So, what’s up with your sexuality?

I don’t have sex because I don’t want to take the risk of having children, also no STDs. People were oddly obsessed with my sexuality and I never quite understood it. Here’s the thing, I’m a little self centered and I’m like you in the sense that I don’t immediately acknowledge other people’s way of thinking all the time. I honestly don’t understand why there was as much “interest” in knowing what I’m interested in (I use quotes because if people were actually interested they probably would have try talking to me). My viewpoint is that your claimed sexual orientation is irrelevant, it’s not even worth bring up in conversation. The reason why is simple. If you see a pretty girl and you know she’s interested in men, it doesn’t necessary mean she’s interested in you (assuming your male) right? That’s why the only thing that matters to me is whether or not the person I’m interested in is interested in me.

It’s funny because if you completely ignore the fact that not everyone thinks like me, it would seem as though there were ALOT of dudes that wanted me to fuck them when I was in college.

To the people “interested” in knowing my sexual orientation. Ask yourself two questions. Do you want a shot? Do you think you have a shot? Think hard about it. If the answer to one of those questions is “no”, don’t waste your time.

If you haven’t already figured it out by now, I don’t think like a normal person. I’m never going to adjust or change to make you feel comfortable, the best thing I can do is not talk to you at all. I don’t adjust to you, you adjust to me. Why? because fuck you, that’s why.

Are you ever going to have sex?

Maybe, maybe not. What’s it to you?

Do you think people like you?

I know they don’t. Based off their actions, they don’t want to like me either. They’d spend less time gossiping about the negative characteristics I could have and more time actually getting to know me if they did.

You don’t think people know anything about you?

It all depends on what you think it means “to know”. Personally, I don’t. I’m never around people long enough for them to be able to get a true sense of who am I as a person. All people get are snapshots. Sadly, that isn’t good enough. That’s something I don’t think most people realize, actually.

What if after reading this, people actually started trying to get to know you, how would you react?

My recommendation is that you don’t waste your time. You can’t undo the damage that’s already been done. I’ve already stopped caring.

If you could go back in time and pick another college, which would you pick?

Xavier University in NOLA. I’d pick this HBCU because I’m fairly confident some of the problems I encountered at U of I wouldn’t have existed there.

Why did you choose UCI?

Because they told me I wasn’t going to make pass my first year. I knew what type of student I was. I knew I had what it took to make it through any program. But I was at a low point in my life, where nothing seemed to be going right. I figure If I go there and get forced out after a year, it wouldn’t be my fault. The devastating thing is they let me get so close to graduating before just booting me out like they did.

Why did you use the word “they”?

Someone easily could have stepped in and did something. The department just enabled her (Suzanne Blum).

What grad program do you think you should have choose?

Indiana University or Rutgers probably would been better for me.

What motivates you to do well?

Meaningful positive reinforcement. Don’t just give out compliments for the sake of giving out compliments.

What’s one thing you hate most about people?

Their stupidity. Before I was told I failed the background check fro CPD. I’d get calls from some sort of case worker for CPD who was suppose to determine my eligibility. This dude asked me if I “resigned” from the Blum group and acted like that was a perfectly valid question. This wasn’t a job, it was a component of an academic program. I WAS A STUDENT. There was no resignation. You don’t resign from school. You either graduate, drop out, or get expelled. I know some college education is required for employment with CPD, so it’s far more likely that this guy is an idiot. REMEMBER GRAD SCHOOL IS STILL SCHOOL AND THERE ONLY 3 WAYS TO LEAVE.

Did you ever consider taking legal action?

Yes, but I know the people I’m dealing with aren’t above lying. Since there’s no physical evidence (that I have in my possession) proving that wrongs did occur, I’m reluctant to believe I’d actually win. It’s not smart to get into a “he said she said” battle with people that are believed to be pathological liars.

Are there any common misconceptions you’d like to clear up?

I wasn’t doing the school shit to make friends. I only wanted to make money. That’s the only reason why I was there, to make money. Every time someone why I as getting a PhD, my answer essentially went like, “I’m getting a PhD because money.” I see no point in trying to make friends with people who seemed to have been conditioned to dislike me.

Also, just because I’m quiet it doesn’t mean that I’m stuck up. It is in fact possible to be someone who isn’t a big talker.

Contrary to popular belief. I am in fact a HUMAN BEING. I have emotions and sometimes something could happen in one part of my life that can affect other parts of my life (like how well I do in school or how productive I am in lab).

Why did you just give up?

What’s the point of playing the game when you know you’ll never win.

It seems like the college years were a hard time for you, did you ever do something to ease the pain, like drugs or alcohol?

No, I love myself too much to potentially set myself up for problems later. I gave comedy a thought, but I found really hard to want to be funny when all I’m thinking about is the depressing shit that inspired the joke. If I’m gonna do something, it’s gonna be something were I don’t have to live with the consequences of my actions. I was suicidal. I was planning to kill myself the night before my thesis defense.

Why then?

I was fairly confident that no one there cared to save me from myself. But just in case someone wanted to surprise me, I figure it would be best to do when no one would expect it.

How?

potassium cyanide. The night before my defense I was going to make it my point to get a bottle of potassium cyanide. a couple months before my trip to Europe, I looked up who had it. It was on the fourth floor (or maybe the fifth). Go all the way down to the last lab space on the right hand side. When you walk into the lab space go along the right hand side and go through the door on your right. After that go to the first door on the right hand side. I placed a bottle on KCN in the first column on the left hand side, top shelf. The bottle should be on the wall on the left side (assuming it’s still in the same place I left it). I figured it wouldn’t get much use due to its inherent toxicity so it would probably be in the same place I left it when I needed it. I wouldn’t be surprise if the bottle is still in that exact spot. 

Did you ever think about getting help?

From who? When I did finally ask for help, the first thing I was told was that the department sided with Blum (mind you this is before any type of investigation occurred). As soon as I posted the email from Chris Vanderwal on this blog, his tune changed immediately. But his actions didn’t reflect the words he put out in the public space. He was of no use. He had no interest in helping me in any capacity. I’m sure of it. I’m all alone in this world, I don’t have a safety net so if I fall, that’s my ass.

What about the professors from UIUC?

My previous statement stands. I had no one.

Is that why you started the blog? You felt like your were all alone and just wanted someone talk to, even if that someone was actually a void in space?

Yes, that’s exactly it.

Is that why you’re still posting, you still feel alone?

yes

But what about your family?

With them I’m a dependent not a provider. They’d be okay without me.

So have you really never sought out a therapist?

I couldn’t find steady work. I can’t afford it. Depression is a rich people disease. When you’re broke you’re just labeled as lazy.

What’s one thing you want everyone to know?

You shouldn’t let your assumptions or the assumptions of others affect how you treat me. Remember, you don’t know me. I could come to be your best friend, your faithful and supportive business partner, or the love of your life and you’d just let me slip away all because someone told you dislike me.

(Also, please don’t waste my time talking to me about all the typos I made)

#introspection

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