#yall he says more words in this clip than any other time he speaks

[queenbananya]

In other words, I love you

[stressisakiller]

The Verdict

Bucky Barnes x Reader Soulmate AU

(Hello Sunflower Part 11)

Summary:  It’s time to be judged, but like always, nothing is ever easy.

Warnings: refences to torture. Murder. and cussing

Word Count: 2k

A/N: A short chapter this time. I may end up rewriting this chapter and the last chapter, but we will see  Let me know what you think and if you have any requests for future chapters! Thank yall for reading!’

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The trials began the Monday after you were saved from Hydra. All of the Avengers were being called in for questioning, which was ridiculous but sadly needed. Nat’s was the worst so far, as she always told you, she has a lot of red in her ledger but so did you. You knew that she hated all of the things she had done in the past and you knew having to answer for all of them was affecting her more than she would like to admit.

 Today it was your turn, to say that you were nervous would be an understatement but you weren’t one to back down from a challenge. Walking into the courtroom, you could feel everyone’s eyes on you. You wore a nicer version of your usual attire but you were not going to try to put on a show for these people. If they were going to judge you they would be judging the real you. You knew that you were a sight, with the bruises and cuts that covered your face and arms. You stared forward as you walked towards the judge, not letting anyone see how nervous you really are. 

The judge called you to the stand, you placed your hand on a bible, swearing that you would say the truth the whole truth nothing but the truth. You sat down at the stand and looked around at the people that had your future in their hands. Some of them looked nervous like they were afraid of you, but some of them looked calm, only one or two were openly glaring at you. You took that as a win. The questioning began. 

“Tell the jury your name and your affiliation with Hydra.” You stared at the prosecutor for a moment before answering, why did he look familiar?

“My name is Y/N Stark,” you heard gasps from some of the people in the audience. “When I was born I was stolen from my family, they believed me dead. I was raised by one of their lead scientists. He told me that he was my father and since he was all that I knew I believed him. He worked for Hydra and raised me in and around a Hydra base. When I was ten they injected me with the super-soldier serum that they had also used on Bucky Barnes. I was brainwashed as used as their soldier.” Your voice was steady as you spoke, not allowing the nerves that you felt to be evident.

“After they brainwashed you they sent you on assignments? Mostly to assassinate people seen as threats to Hydra. Is that correct?” His voice held disdain for you and you swore you could hear a twinge of glee as he spoke. Your brow furrowed momentarily, why does his voice sound familiar. Something about him struck a chord in your memories but it was fuzzy.

“That is correct, however, due to the fact that they placed me in a machine that they affectionately and accurately called the blender, I had no control over my mind.”

“Would you please tell the jury what exactly this “blender” did?” he seemed to revel in your discomfort.

“It was a machine that you were strapped into, a rubber piece was shoved into your mouth so that you wouldn’t break your jaw, and electrical currents were forced through your head until all that was left was a terrible blankness.” your voice slowly falling as you spoke, the images of your father watching with glee as you were strapped to it several days ago.

“So they erased your mind?” he seemed incredulous at the possibility, “then how, pray tell, were they able to force you to do missions?” You stared at the man in front of you in disbelief, you had long ago learned how to read the emotions of others, he thought you were lying.

“After wiping us, they had a series of trigger words that would activate the soldier that they had programmed into us. The soldier's main purpose and mission was to serve Hydra. They would do anything to accomplish that.” the iron in your voice seemed to surprise him, he hadn’t expected you to fight back. He thought that you would just roll over and let them punish you for crimes that you had no choice in.

“You mean that they had full control over you? Please explain.” You bit back your anger, you couldn’t let this man anger you, if he succeeded then your cause was lost. 

“Imagine being in a taxi,” eyebrows furrowed throughout the courtroom, that was not what they expected to fall from your lips, “you are in the backseat and there is a piece of bulletproof glass between you and the driver. Now imagine that this driver, driving like a maniac and hitting innocent people. But you, you’re stuck in the backseat, the doors are locked and no matter how hard you pound on that glass or how loudly you scream, you can’t make the driver stop. That is what it feels like for us when the soldier is in control.” the pain from your nails digging into your palms is what grounded you, the feeling in the pit of your stomach grew, something in his eyes was shifting, as if he was deciding something. 

“Well then, do you remember what your trigger words are?” his eyes seemed to glint in the harsh light of the room. You simply shook your head,

“I have never known, once I hear the first one all I am able to focus on is the pain.” 

“Let me remind you then…” a terrible grin took over his face as he spoke the first word. Pain. You were so fucking tired of the pain this brought and by the men that believed that you were nothing more than their tool. He spoke fast, the words rolling off his tongue in Russian and all you could do was clench your fists and wait it out.

“Ready to Comply.” The words felt natural on the soldier’s lips, always there, always ready. The weaselly man in front of you had the audacity to smirk at the soldier. 

“Am I speaking to the soldier or to the girl.” his eyebrow raised as he spoke

“The soldier.” Her voice was colder than yours, emotionless.

“Good,” he clapped his hands together, his smile widening, “I have a mission for you, kill them.” Her eyes snapped to his, watching his reaction as the soldier spoke.

“There is only one mission,” her words were clipped, eyes narrowing as she spoke, “you have no control over me.” He blanched, stepping back as if struck,

“I am your master, you will listen to me.” his voice was raised as if he was trying to command her by sheer volume. The rest of the courtroom was watching the interaction in shock, no one dared move. Bucky watched in concern but knew that this was your battle and he would only intervene if absolutely necessary. You and the soldier stared at the man in front of you, seemingly calm, but there was a fire in your eyes.

“Fuck you. Did you really think that I was able to escape while Hydra was still able to control me with words?” The fire in your voice was barely contained, as you spat the words at him.

“You are my soldier and I demand that you listen to and obey me!” His face was turning red in anger, a fact that you and the soldier found funny. 

“Bold of you to assume that I didn’t come to terms with my demons, I am both the soldier and the girl. I have been since the tattoo showed up, nothing that you could do to me affected me anymore except to cause me pain. Why do you think so many of your targets got away, or the fact that I never showed you any bodies? I am no longer under Hydra’s control, I have made peace with the soldier inside of me, we now have only one mission, and it has nothing to do with hydra.” your teeth were clenched as you spoke, fighting the urge to kill the man in front of you, instead you stood. “Men and women of the Jury as well as everyone else present. This man is Hydra, he wanted me to kill you, trying to use the brainwashing methods that they have used on me in the past. I am no longer the woman that I was back then. Neither is Bucky, the man who will be on trial before you tomorrow. We were forced to become soldiers and assassins. We had our memories and emotions ripped from us, in the most painful way imaginable. They placed words in us that would make us their puppets that we have only recently been able to get rid of. I was forced to cover my soul mark from fear of them using it against me. I was tortured in more ways than you can imagine I have been broken and pieced back together so many times that I no longer knew who I was until I was able to escape. I was forced to watch myself kill my parents and have no control over my body as I did. Yes, Bucky and I have committed a multitude of sins. But trust me when I saw that his 70 years and my 30 years under the thumb of Hydra, with no memories and no control, is enough atonement for those sins. But all the same, we will spend the rest of our days with the Avengers, saving as many lives as we can to pay for the ones that we were forced to take.” 

The whole room was silent at your words, all of them surprised by the confidence and power that you exuded. The judge called for the man from Hydra to be taken and put into custody and then called for the Jury to go speak and decide the verdict. You were allowed to leave the stand and go sit by Bucky, reaching for his hand as soon as you sat. No one else could see how much you were shaking except the man beside you, you just wanted this day to be over. You wanted to be back in Tony’s lab eating chocolate and drinking coffee while watching him work. The Jury was gone for an hour, an hour of worry and fear. They filed back in, the lead handing their verdict to the judge. He asked for you to stand.

“In the case of Y/N vs the united states and Bucky vs the united states” your eyes widened in surprise, they weren’t supposed to decide for Bucky until tomorrow. Hearing his name Bucky calmly stood up beside you. “The jury finds the defendants innocent of all charges. Due to the evidence that the defendants were not acting according to their own will. The jury states that no more action will be necessary as long as the defendants agree to remain as part of the Avengers saving lives instead of ending them”

He read out the verdict as if he was ordering a Sunday lunch as if it were nothing to him that you were now free. You felt your legs begin to tremble, almost giving out under you before you are pulled into a crushing hug by Bucky and then Tony. You were finally free.

Tagged users: @calwitch @writerwrites

[ainu-lindale]

Just some lil' Observations During My 17 Billionth Rewatch of Fellowship of the Ring

Okay so in the prologue, for some reason I never paid attention to how many active verbs are used to describe what the ring does and how it goes about it's lil life. I don't often think about the powers and personality of the ring very much, I'm usually to distracted by my love for frodo ha

"It is no bad thing to celebrate a simple life." Love love love that, somehow never really heard that line before.

Uh oh. I'm becoming that person that unconsciously quotes all the lines as they're spoken.

I wonder if bilbo would've been a different old man if he hadn't had the ring in his pocket for decades

Tbh I am very impressed that bilbo just dropped to ring and walked out. Obviously it took some help by gandalf but still, to be able to leave it behind after all that time. Such a comforting thought to my poor little heart that hates to think about how long the Martin Freeman bilbo was slowly poisoned by the ring

Yall. When I was a kid the black riders gave me nightmares, and now they are like 0% scary

I've related to different characters over the years, but u know what I'm realizing that maybe I'm sam. bc I too would walk to the ends of the earth for frodo baggins.

Dear lorddd. That seduction of the ring theme - the one that plays at the v beginning of their journey as they're walking through the tall clovers and weeds under the trees - gives me chills every time. The use of voices in howard shore's score is MAGNIFIQUE

"If I take one more step it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been". Have any of yall seen the 9 hour version of the movie that plays that clip every time sam takes a step?😂😂

Am I upset that they replaced merry and pippin's dedication to frodo and the journey in the books with comedic relief stealing-the-crops stuff? Overall not much. I think they get the characterization they deserve over the course of the movies. Ppl can just chill and let the movie be a movie. Tbh we need some comedic relief from this very stressful epic

Am I upset they cut tom bombadil? Also overall no. Again, for the sake of the movie, they gave us some stress relief with merry and pip and streamlined the journey to bree enough to where an extra stop for some reprieve wasn't needed. Dont get me wrong, it's a lovely part of the book, but I agree with the directorial choices to keep the movie's energy up

THE REFLECTION IN ARAGORN'S EYES WHEN HE LIGHTS THE PIPE. CINEMATIC MAGIC. also I'm just generally attracted to him anyway.

Me anytime viggo says or does anything:

Arwen's sword under aragorns chin is THE best introduction to our first legit female character I could ask for

OH MY GODDDDDDD. I think it's probably Elijah's hobbit-height double that viggo is carrying to the horse, and dear God that mask on him is so freaky looking 😂😭😂 Never ever seen that before

One thing I am just ever so slightly salty about is that they had the council of elrond be summoned to determine the fate of the ring rather than everyone coming on their own accord with their specific knowledge to lead to the collective realization that they are exactly the right group of ppl to form the fellowship

For the rest of my life, I am doomed to only think of the LOTR How It Should Have Ended during the council of elrond scene. 12 year old me really screwed herself by watching the same 5 YouTube videos on endless repeat

The solo French horn that plays the gondor theme while boromir is speaking is so subtle but increeeeeeeedibly powerful. It's just different enough from the other themes introduced so far that for that moment it takes me so much deeper into the world of middle earth ??

Just noticed the wink between gandalf and elrond when aragorn offers to help frodo. Their last conversation ended with "he turned away from that life long ago. He has chosen exile" and now aragorn is giving up his preferred solo life for the sake of frodo and for the world. Look how the turntables, elrond

Boromir's lil "sorry!" when he accidentally cuts Merry's hand 😭

"Boromir! Give the ring to frodo!" "As you wish." Boromir loves aragorn

The humans carrying two hobbits at a time to keep them safe from the snow😭😭😭

Literally Gandalf can you please just tell frodo that there is a balrog down in moria!!! This is not informed consent!!!!

Lake monster outside moria = aquatic sarlacc

We as a Society™️ need to spend more time listening to gandalf's words to frodo while chilling in moria

The chanting during the chase in khazad dum gives me similar vibes as the "track down this murderer" voices at the end of phantom of the opera. ..uh oh so I'm getting too tired to elaborate on my thoughts

I've watched Gandalfs 'death' too many times that it's not the fall itself that makes me cry anymore, but it's frodo's reaction outside that gets me now. Also the soprano voice singing (renee fleming?)

Oh my god I just heard for the first time boromir's line in lorien "i did not see it", referring to Galadriel telling him there's still hope for his people. That's the same thing he says right before he dies and I finally understand what he meant. He tried to take the ring from frodo bc the ring overwhelmed him completely with a sense of despair, convincing him that using the ring was their only option to survive. And oh my gosh it's how galadriel knew that boromir was going to try and take it. She knew he had lost hope. Wow it took me waaay too long to catch that. It's the specificity of it all that I didn't catch, not necessarily the fact that boromir thought the ring was the only way

Boromir's death hit different this time yall. With a better understanding of what was going on in his head, just ..... I may or may not have cried a lot more than usual

Soooo strategic of howard shore to have let a long time pass without hearing the Shire theme before it plays when frodo and sam hug on the boat. Every. single. damn. time. that moment gets me. The power of MUSIC people.

Aaaaaaaaaand credits roll

[istheresomebodywhocanimagine]

Sweet Bird of Paradox

Sweet as the smell of success / Her body’s warm and wet / She gets me through this god awful loneliness / A natural high butterfly Oh I, / I need, need, need her.

The smells of the private room were dizzying to John. On one hand, a saccharine, citrus incense burned nearby, but the stench of sex was too powerful to mask. As illegal as it was, John figured that more than one man before him had paid a little extra for a little extra. Mixed together, it made sure the senses were overwhelmed by a sort of sweet debauchery, but the overindulgence wasn’t shameful to him. Not yet, anyways.

His calloused, aged hands gripped the armrest of the leather chair tightly as he looked around for a moment, the dim lights of the room making it hard for his eyes to adjust. He was teetering in on the scale around his mid 40’s, and most of his senses didn’t work quite the way they used to. He strained a little harder than he would have 20 years ago to see, and the music of the club just below was fainter than it would be to any 20 year old.

But he could still feel. God, could he still feel. Those hands that had created some of the most iconic basslines of the 70s and 80s, and every inch of skin on the attached body, felt everything.

Immediately following Freddie’s death, it was different story, sure. It was like the nerves had shut off – everything was numb, head to toe. His body desperately craved contact that would spark anything, and so he’d tried everything with Veronica, just so he could feel something. But touching her was like touching a wet blanket – it did mostly nothing for him, and if it did, it slightly repulsed him.

Shame and guilt debilitated him for a while. He couldn’t even bear looking at her, lest he reveal his aversion to her touch, and that purposeful avoidance had brought him here 4 months ago, a sophisticated, hush-hush exotic club where he’d immediately got a private room. He’d went through several girls on the roster before he’d found you. One dance, and his body felt like it was on fire. He was feeling again, just like he’d felt everything years ago. He was young again, and that scared him to no end.

So, he disappeared for a week. But then, he was back again, and asked for you by name every time since. You couldn’t even count on your fingers and toes the amount of nights you’d spent in John’s company. Some nights, you honestly would just sit and chat over a bottle of champagne. He was intriguing to you – never had you met such a quiet, reserved gentleman with so much to say in the middle of your place of work.

And he’d never taken advantage of you, not once. There was an odd sort of bond between you two, an inexplicable attraction, but you’d never even began to fool around with him. It was either a dance, the same you’d given tons of other men, or an in-depth chat that lasted well into the hours he’d pay for. At this point, you could usually read his expression and know exactly what the night warranted.

But tonight was different. As you stepped into the room, clad in a maroon red, strappy lingerie set covered by a creamy silk robe adored with red floral pattern, his face was unreadable. Letting the heavy wooden door shut behind you, you walked over to the minibar in the room, opting for the bottle of red wine tonight to match your lipstick and the towering heels that were adding a good half-foot to your height.

Carefully picking up two glasses with your free hand, you made your way over to the chair where John still sat motionless, following you with his pale grey eyes that matched the aging silver of his hair, which was crew cut and far shorter than his ‘do in the 70s, he’d told you. You did remember long hair being the standard in the 70s even if you were just a kid, so you took his word for it.

John moved his hand so you could perch on the wide armrest of the chair, his usually kind face riddled with conflict. But he still cleared his throat and managed to speak as you uncorked the bottle, pouring two glasses of wine.

“Red tonight?” he asked, his sweet-tempered, somewhat nasally voice making you relax as you realized he wasn’t in a foul mood tonight. Sometimes, he came in and didn’t really say a word for fear of revealing his moods like that, but you could tell through the silence anyways. “I thought you liked white whines.”

“I’m in the mood for a red tonight, is that a crime, John?” you asked, handing him a glass before holding out your own, smiling when he obligingly clinked his glass to yours, both of you taking a sip at the same time. A blood red swatch of lipstick was left on the edge of your glass as you swirled it around, looking down at the silver fox of a man while you draped your legs across his lap. A hand came up to rest on your ankle instinctively, his other still holding the wine glass as he keep his gaze on your face, seeming to be scanning you inside and out. “You’re quiet today. D’you want a dance?”

“No, no,” he quickly objected, and you could swear you saw a ghost of a smile cross his lips as he rubbed circles into your ankle with his thumb, his plain black sweater – or was it brown? You could never tell in this lighting – suddenly seeming to constrict his breathing as he took another drink of the wine before setting it down and tugging at the collar of said sweater. “I actually wanted to ask you something. Or give you a proposition, of sorts. It’s alright if you say no, I’ve just been thinking about it more lately and I wanted to see if the idea held any weight with you.”

John being this serious was nothing new to you, so you nodded along and sipped your wine as he spoke, arching an eyebrow and cocking your head to the side in curiosity afterwards. “What’s on your mind, then?” you asked, the shoulder of your robe slipping to the side and down your arm just a bit. But John’s eyes didn’t wander, not for a moment, instead staying trained on yours as he replied without missing a beat.

“I know you’ve said you don’t like it here before. Some of the men are too rough or go too far, is that what you said?”

“Well, yes, but it’s a living.” You grimaced as you spoke, mainly trying to convince yourself you didn’t hate the work more and more recently as the men got braver and stupider. “Why do you ask?”

“What would you say if I offered to get you out of here?” John’s face was dead serious as he spoke, and you held back a laugh that was bubbling to your throat as you furrowed your eyebrows, realizing he wasn’t joking. Was he proposing an arrangement? “I can put you up in your own place, away from here, pay you weekly, and I’d come visit you there instead.”

“Oh, so you call this visiting me?” you teased, climbing up from the chair and eluding his grasp as you finished off your first glass of wine. Grabbing the bottle of wine by the neck, you poured yourself another one as you focused on the stream of red liquid splashing into the glass. Just beyond that, John still sat there, the same expression as before, cool and controlled. “I bet that’s not what your wife calls it.”

“Not important,” he dismissed, quickly disposing of the topic of Veronica. He’d told you about her months ago – the kids, the separation, the rough patch, his bender, reconciliation, and then now, the stall, the filibuster. And it wasn’t like it bothered you – half of your clients were married men, you had to shed yourself of that morality quick. You just wondered what this proposed arrangement would mean in terms of his family. “I can send you to Bali, Cancun, Hawaii, wherever you want to go. All I ask is that you let me get you out of here.”

“Why?” you asked suddenly, sitting the wine bottle down on the table and standing with your free hand resting on your scantily clad hip as you let the other hand rest down at your side, daintily holding on to the wine glass by the rim. “Why do you want me out of here so bad?”

“Well, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that I’m partial to you. And you deserve to be somewhere that doesn’t make you miserable. Go on, tell me you’re not miserable here and I’ll leave you alone about it from now on, I swear it.” His vowels were getting more and more clipped as his voice was laced with just a hint of excitement, knowing he’d presented a very good point.

Pursing your lips, you scanned your eyes over John’s entire body, starting at the dark leather dress shoes that almost matched the chair he was in, all the way to the collar of the plaid shirt peeking over his sweater’s neckline. Then to his hair, silver strands slowly transforming to a very soft brown-grey at the top of his head, all uniform in length, so clean-cut, like John. And yet, he was an enigma, the least clean-cut personality you’d ever witnessed.

“Alright. What’s the catch?”

welcome to spring break by whitney! i’m on a partial hiatus, so this is what i’ve lined up for my absence. let me know what you think of this one, leave comments, feedback, anything! the brian one will be out tomorrow, and the roger one wednesday - leave notes on the one you like the most, and i’ll chose whichever one seems to be the most well-received to start a new series once TNC is over! have a great week yall <3

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[zepdeans]

this is highkey like a month late (i mean wbk im a chronic scatterbrain procrastinator) and she’s thicccc but without further ado. my skam s4 thoughts.

I first just want to say a couple things: im not a muslim woc so my thoughts on s4 don’t hold as much value as those of a muslim, woc, or a muslim woc. I also don’t know to what degree sana’s representation was true to real life. I made an effort to look for posts from muslim woc on sana’s season but to no real avail, especially given it’s been two years since skam ended and a lot of blogs have deactivated, changed urls, or posts have become buried :( [if you know of any good posts regarding sana’s season please lmk!]. from what I can recall in 2017, there were mixed opinions on s4 with most being upset (or at least disappointed) with the ultimate execution of sana’s storyline and I agree w that. while s4 means so much to me and has a really special place in my heart, I do 100% acknowledge its flaws. ok!!!!!! lets get into it😤

ep1 -as much as I wished isak stayed in kollektivet I’m glad he and even had a rlly sweet happy time this entire season. also evak making their friends move all their furniture while they whisper romantic shit to each other and makeout? peak comedy -you fuckin wish!!! -sana is the one to say “of course you should tell noora about william”.. she Knew and still takes the fall for it :( -this opening clip is such a jarring shift into sana’s pov!! e.g. while easy to overlook in previous seasons, sana’s exclusion from the girls is glaringly obvious once we’re looking through her eyes -adding onto that! sana is the friend who notices everyone else- she’s so observant, which hurts even more when you notice her friends don’t do the same (except mayhaps chris- in my heart of hearts I know chris is also the friend who notices and goes unnoticed, but unfortunately we don’t get enough of her and sana’s relationship this season to fully see that) -yousef and the balloon squad’s entrance.... ICONIC! also I cant believe for 2 seasons they presented those dickbag nissen 97s as the be all end all of hot amazing boys when the bakka third years were RIGHT THERE like,, the penetrators vs. balloon squad + even? no contest ma’am -also! it’s so interesting that we literally had no idea sana had a brother, or that yousef etc existed until now? it’s as if she has a whole private world at home, separate from her friends and nissen (and I think a theme of this season is those two worlds merging) -im obsessed w the yousana train scene but yousef being the only one who notices sana standing off to the side? ;-; -fy faen is such a stunning clip oh my god. when sana leaves to pray? possibly my favourite skam scene ever. it’s exquisite.  -sana is so cute and awkward squeezing thru the crowd shsdhgfhshdf I LOVE her love her -the last shot on yousef and noora... oh my GOD oh my god bc like. being that friend who never ever tells your real feelings or your crushes or is vulnerable with your friends?? and then having to listen to them talk about how good your crush would be with someone else (especially one of ur friends) while ur sitting there silently dying inside? and you don’t say anything since you can’t be vulnerable with your friends and u don’t think u stand a chance anyways so. (in the words of s3 noora. I think sana struck a nerve with the emotional unavailability! abbey r u ok) -this episode is a masterpiece and did such a phenomenal job of both introducing us to sana’s perspective while also touching on a multitude of her struggles AND establishing the themes of the season. plus the cinematography, editing, soundtrack and aesthetic...... o baby. (case in point I deadass just rewatched it after writing this)

ep2 -every shot of sana praying is beautiful (and beautifully edited!!) -sana’s room is usually messy... not smart enough to fully analyze this but I’m sure it means something  -an interesting contrast of what’s expected of her vs. of elias- I can’t speak for muslim families, but I know even in non-muslim families girls are always held to suchhh a higher standard (source: I have 2 brothers rip) -”if you find immaturity charming” hilarious bc sana actually does in fact find immaturity charming  -what’s interesting is how noora comes across in sana’s POV- kinda obnoxious, kinda ignorant, seemingly perfect (compared to how noora is portrayed in eva’s season, for example) -even is one of those ppl who uses the bill gates argument on why dropping out of school makes u richer sdfhfsjskfjfsd -sana staring down the pepsi max squad. fuck em up. -vilde adding magnus to the groupchat jfkjsjfdjfsfsdkj -isak missing eskild :’) sidenote I fucking live for isak and sana’s chats this season. they’re literally my lifeblood like.... 

ep3 -the kiss me scene god I go FERAL -“you need to pull it towards you, not push it away. okay?” yall mind if i SCREAM!! YOUSEF!!!!!!!!!! -there rlly is something about seeing sana, who in everyone else’s POV comes off as cold and harsh and stoic, just absolutely meltinggg when she talks w yousef like she doesn’t stop smiling she’s so sweet!!!! ah🥰 and yousef is 100% that guy who ppl tell “your gf is so intimidating and ruthless bro” and he’s like are y’all talking about sana??????? my baby?? my fuckin cinnamon apple????? -yousef’s lil smile watching sana peel carrots. 911 it’s me again -vilde and sana’s relationship has a really interesting dynamic bc like.. vilde says ignorant shit to sana while also genuinely looking up to her. and sana is probably the harshest to vilde within the group but it’s because she actually values their friendship a lot  -IM HURT BECAUSE YOU NEVER REPLIED TO MY MEME -sana pulling 2yr old receipts off the top of her head to defend vilde. god I stan -sana doin research taking notes..... shameful she isn’t canonically a virgo (honestly her and isak both but like-) -she’s so soft and smiley w her mamma awh... “of course he likes you, who doesn’t like you?” her mamma only knows the real, gentle, beautiful loving sana oh im CRY -even is so kind and loving and thoughtful yall mind if i....... -”you can’t escape the internet girl” foreshadowing mayhaps?

ep4 -david and ulrikke together are fucking hilarious -noora’s “you’re lucky you don’t have to think about this stuff, heartbreak and that” :/ it’s not just vilde who says ignorant things to sana! -that being said sana and noora are cute asf in the exper5 scene.. dorky noora rise (omg josefine and her yogurt in the bloopers too sjhfkjdf) -I HANDLE BALLS BETTER THAN YOU -the yousana scene is sooo gorgeous whew...... -I always cry a lil bit (ok a lot) when yousef brings up even. and sana knew too. even sweetie ily :( -sana talking about her religion is beautiful. it’s so lovely to learn about how she thinks and sees the world. -yousef’s smile watching sana leave like ur kidding right....... -“flawless since 99″ is so cringey. it’s so cringeyyy -sana uses “smh” I knew we were soulmates

ep5 -eavesdropping on ur parent/brother’s argument is peak sibling culture -when ur always paranoid but ur always right..... -sana’s green jumpsuit sign me up babey -I really really really love elias and sana’s conversation -u dont even realize how tiny sana is until she’s standing next to isak and even -not finding out why yousef avoided the fight and why he kissed noora will haunt me forever (could we not have expanded more on that instead of noorhelm.......) -the parallel of sana washing isak’s blood off her hands vs. her washing her hands during maghrib in episode 1. gotta sit down. -vilde gossiping to the pepsimax girls stings SO bad it’s just such a betrayal?:( -“the other girls seem cool, especially noora! she’s so pretty!” ok much to unpack here but: sana again comparing herself to noora (who she sees as /perfect/)... sana being written off despite putting so much effort and passion into the russ bus while noora, who has done literally nothing and at best is indifferent to russ, is the one they like the most. disgusteng -love will tear us apart.. bitch..... -sana abt to cry god I can’t -if sana is anything like me (I mean I think she is but jkjjkhsdfhfsd). looking stupid is the absolute worst so like, her sending out emails abt being bus boss when she was actually being lied to? being played? and her being “paranoid” about sara being shady, but deciding hey maybe im just being crazy? except she wasn’t she was right and she Knew!! and she’s probably thinking how dumb it was for her to get her hopes up, everything always ends badly anyways and no one actually likes her :((((((( -dont rlly know what my feelings are on the fight. im not against it bc isak does have a temper but his apparent motive always seemed weak to me?? and god I feel so bad for even

ep6 -forgot about sana getting bullied in middle school yall mind if I sob?? -sana lying and getting defensive bc it’s hard to be vulnerable, or because she hates looking stupid? or both?:( -isak looking up dandelions in his textbook just bc even put one behind his ear. I HATE this man -sana’s dad asking if she had a bad day aw :( -all the boys (and sana) wearing black but yousef wearing white.... what does it mean.............. -the carrots are back goddammit -radio station playing during this scene: “if I have to choose between the just non-muslim and the unjust muslim, without any doubt I would choose the non-muslim who is just” -ISAK’S NOSE SFFJDFJFSDKJSDF -sana’s text about chris I’m going to bawl my eyes out.           “yeah! looking forward (to going to nissen) but a bit worried. don’t know               anyone else starting there.”           (J: new friends?) “yes, at least one of them. I have german with her (chris)           and she’s very cool!” -the contrast of how blunt sana came off when we’re first introduced to her vs. how she was really just excited to make a new friend bc she was scared no one would like her :( especially knowing her past with bullying and how nervous she was to start at nissen? chris baby I LOVE YOU thank u ;-; -also sana keeping 2yr old conversations on her phone... same -sana is honestly too smart and scheming and overthinking for her own good. she has these elaborate plans that more-or-less always get ruined by her being more kind than she gives herself credit for (e.g. wanting to protect vilde in s1, clearing isak’s name in s4) -everyone in skam texts back so fast smh -chris calling sana “sonic”...... a moment please -I cannot watch the sana/evak apartment scene without thinking of the bloopers and losing it lmfaoooo.. “this is where we live. just come in” -ik it’s based off fanart but there is little I hate more than their matching outfits  -“remember you’re both geniuses!” 🥺even  -once again isak studying is uhhhh me - “you’re a good person” yall i love isak i really do. he puts his foot in his mouth pretty often and doesn’t have a great brain-to-mouth filter and he can be awkward and rambly and blunt and unsure of what to say in emotional situations but also? he’s so genuine. it’s just his honest thoughts and he says it bc he cares about sana and knows she needs to hear it!! -ᶠᵃᵉⁿ ᵉᵛᵉⁿ -sana’s inner turmoil.. thank u iman for inventing acting (ik I haven’t mentioned it much yet but god iman is SUCH a phenomenal actor I owe her my life) -LETS GO BITCHES

ep7 -sana crying silently in her room breaks my fucking heart (IMAN!!!!)  -idk how I feel about the instagram plot but sana watching as her plan falls into place and then storming up to sara... pretty bada$$ -“it’s creepy it was published but it’s more creepy we have a bus boss who talks shit about everyone” THANK YOU vilde -i love s4 isak thanks -sana and jamilla’s chat aw :~) -how awkward do yall think the walk to the bench was lmfao -what sana tells isak is SO powerful and I love it a lot -isak does actually make a good point- the other girls are like that too.  -unfortunately I have been in situations isak describes, where you want to learn more about your friend’s culture or religion because you care about them and you’re genuinely interested, but you don’t know what questions are okay to ask and you don’t want to sound rude or ignorant, so you ultimately end up asking no questions at all. but I hate that the responsibility is put on sana to constantly educate people bc I cannot imagine how exhausting that must be [[[ok so. I know there are VERY mixed opinions on the bench scene but here’s my dumbass two cents. 1- I genuinely think isak was trying to make sana feel better by attempting to relate to her and pass on advice that really helped him. however, I don’t think isak realized what sana eventually told him- that her experience wearing the hijab is a lot different than isak’s experience as a gay man. do I agree with everything isak said? nooo. do I understand why he said it? yeah. 2- it was not isak’s place to tell sana norwegians aren’t racist, or not to look for racism in questions. I think there’s some truth to ppl often just being ignorant, and he does add that there are probably a lot of racist people in Norway, but yeah. not great. 3- in conclusion I think while isak shared some meaningful advice w sana, he put his foot in his mouth too and said some stupid shit. im not trying to defend that. I will add, though: a. we actually do see some growth on isak’s part. when he and even are yelled at on the street, that’s the moment it clicks for him that oh shit, this is what sana was talking about. this is what she has to experience? and that’s why he texts noora, “in the speech for sana, you have to include how insanely strong she is. I don’t think many people understand how much bullshit she has to take” and b. isak’s (bad) advice of “not looking for the racism in things” is ultimately contrasted by yousef (a moc who lived most of his life as a muslim) suggesting instead to show people what islam really is. and that’s so much more meaningful. I think the root of a lot of the issues isak brought up- i.e. ignorance- is a general lack of education, representation, or effort by non-muslim people to seek out information themselves. so sana leading by example and showing what it means to her to be muslim is so much more powerful.]]] -𝒃𝒂𝒎!  -BEST BUDS 🥺

ep8 -haper du har plass weaving in and out of this episode until the chorus finally breaks when the los losers van shows up...... miss julie 😭 -oh my god the pictures. im a fucking MESS bc they’re not only significant to the scene and to sana but also like,, as part of our goodbye to the girls?? -the balloon squad and even :( while the timeline of them reconciling within just this week is kinda wack, seeing even back with his friends looking so happy makes my heart uwu so i’ll allow it just this once -eva’s message to vilde about her and magnus being able to trust each other w/o reading their texts... growth or irony -chris is such a phenomenal friend (and this is why I wanted more of her in s4!!) -sana’s phonecall to the girls breaks my fucking heart bc like. right off the bat she’s finally being vulnerable with them?? telling them about her fears and insecurities and struggles? typing this im gonna start crying lol but god I love her so much. she’s so brave and she put all that on the line bc all she really cares about are her friends, she loves them SO much even if (she thinks) they don’t love her back -lowkey sobbed so hard during the haper du har plass clip I almost threw up and it gave me a headache :)  -anyways this is one of my favourite skam clips and god just. the moment you hear the girls calling for sana??? I LOSE it. when sana just starts BEAMING omg🤧 the girls love sana and support her and if you fuck with sana you fuck with us!!!!!! god. cannot articulate how dear to my heart this scene is. -haper du har plass feels like the end of the episode and the party clip is kinda just tacked on but I love how happy everyone is!! they’re all drinking champagne (who taught isak how to hold things) and dancing and smilingggg 💛 -yousana rise!!!!!!!!  -ok don’t get me wrong I hate william for crashing the party but their entrance slow-mo kinda slaps.... also sana popping up in between noorhelm SENDS me

ep9 -this is the point in the season where the amount of time dedicated to noorhelm is beyond beyond beyond significantly damaging to the story. this is sana’s last episode!! instead of having them makeout in front of william’s car for 20 minutes mayhaps we could’ve had a conversation between the girls and sana, or with her brother (if they had continued the elias alcoholism plotline rip), or maybe even with jamilla or her mamma? like I don’t care at ALL about noora or william. give me anything else. ple a s e -what makes skam scenes so brilliant is their quiet moments!! julie let the scene breathe. not everything needs a tacky song playing over top. -I’ve said this abt like twenty clips now but MAGHRIB. oh my GOD. an absolute masterpiece and definitely tied for my all time favourite skam clip. can’t rlly put into words how stunning it is. & I love sana and yousef’s conversation so much. -“of course I brought food! my name is yousef!” mr. acar you’re the only man I trust

ep10 -as much as my heart yearns for 10 sana episodes I think splitting up the last episode of skam into individual POV clips for different characters was brilliant and such a poignant way to say goodbye :( -okay don’t think about what sana could’ve written in her texts to everyone or ur heart will go sicko mode -I won’t write anything abt this ep since I’ve already written too much but like.. (elias should’ve gotten a clip instead of william. pchris can stay because his clip was funny but he’s on thin fuckin ice) -kjaere sana was such a beautiful way to say goodbye to skam. so yeah. bye skam. i miss you. 

overall ➔I’m not really sure why (possibly a lethal combination of my undying love for sana bakkoush, how much I relate to her, this but my ass was crying EVERY single episode of season 4...... F ➔I’m obsessed with s4′s aesthetic. imo the best editing, soundtrack and cinematography of any season!!!! julie is so talented at making each season feel distinct- to me, sana’s season is cool, vibrant colours (aka the late-night sunset aesthetic- gabie i hear u laughing shut up), crisp electronic/pop music and rap, ethereal city nights..... also sana has the best style of any skam character it had to be said ➔sana’s growth! seeing her open up and be honest and vulnerable with the girls during that phone call. sana sending all of her friends literally the sweetest messages of how much they mean to her and how much she values their relationship. sana being the (MUCH) bigger person and making amends with sara, ingrid etc. I love her so much :’((( ➔I’ve thought a lot about what I would change in season 4 and honestly? im a mf scatterbrain and have no real, structured ideas. my biggest issue is too much noora. dream s4 would be william staying in london and noora being happy on her own (but not rly on her own bc she has the girls and kollektivet!). as :/ as I am about the noora/yousef plotline, I’m not really sure what I’d do to replace the yousana conflict in ep5. maybe involving elias, or the balloon squad and even? related to that- in lieu of all the noora/noorhelm screentime, I would so much rather have a follow-up plot to elias’s drinking problem bc it was kinda just dropped? at the very least, the william clip should’ve been elias’s. I also would've killed for more one-on-one scenes with chris (even vilde or eva!), jamilla, even, members of the balloon squad... there are so many interesting stories that could’ve been explored instead of going down the noorhelm rabbithole again. furthermore, I feel like the social media plot was a bit... weak? again I’ve tried thinking of what I would’ve done instead (while also keeping the haper du har plass clip, y’all can pry that one from my cold dead hands) to little avail. what especially threw me about this plotline is that sana did this in s2 to jamilla, fucked up, and it bit her in the ass. I know that she gets irrational when angry but from a storytelling perspective, it seems repetitive. just.. I feel like there could’ve been a more powerful plot in which sana follows the same character arc. another thing I would’ve loved to see is beyond the los losers van, an apology from the girls to sana. or even just a conversation where they tell her “hey sana, we’re sorry for not paying attention and we’re sorry for being thoughtless/ignorant.” an apology from vilde about things she’s said in the past would’ve been <3. even a gesture! the girls order pizza again but this time it’s halal, or they make an effort to learn about sana’s religion and culture. I know it’s implied through the letter they write for sana, but a final standalone scene would’ve been so nice.  ➔i’ve noticed soo many remakes do this thing where they like.. water down shitty behaviour of their characters. which like- sure. I would love for everyone to be kind and thoughtful and not as horrible as they could be but also... I think that’s the point of skam? to show that people fuck up, but that doesn’t define them as a person. no one is perfect and no one can be thoughtful and considerate and kind all the time. and often these ‘problematic’ actions are integral to the story- e.g. elias saying stupid comments to isak (related to isak’s internalized homophobia and fear of coming out to his friends), the girl squad being ignorant about what sana can eat, etc. so..... your remake is not better because it erased every horrible action every character has done. (nuance.. where r u.........) ➔despite its flaws, I will say- the good moments of season 4? ineffable. I think we sometimes forget that julie literally wrote, directed, and I believe (?) assisted w editing and soundtrack too. i cant imagine doing all that under so much pressure, trying to bring so many storylines to a conclusion whilst simultaneously creating a goodbye-season to a show she put her life into the past two years. I’m so fucking appreciative of her. and you know what? all in all julie wrote some pretty damn beautiful episodes and scenes, and you can tell she loves this show just as much as we do. ➔and honestly this is maybe one reason I’m more wary of watching remake s4′s, bc like.. this season meant SO much bc it was the last season of skam. we knew it was the last season. the final episode is more or less a love letter, a goodbye to the show. whereas w some remakes (do i have to say whomst) its  like.. that love isnt there. it’s just another season. yknow? in conclusion I miss skam so much :(

ok whew if ur reading this ur a champion but also why did you just read 5k of me rambling about how much I love sana bakkoush?? 

[wordswithateez]

yeehaw!ateez - Chapter 1

OMG ITS FINALLY STARTING YEAHHHHHHH

i hope yall enjoy this as much as i do! thank you for all of your nice comments!!! :D let’s get this show on the road!!!

CHAPTER ONE - The Arrival

You’d been waiting forever.

As the stablehand personally assigned to the legendary equestrian team ATEEZ, you were expected to be punctual and efficient, which meant being the first person they see when arriving at your father’s stable complex.

Any minute now, you thought, for the ninth time.

Where you stood, you could see sunlight cast rays down over the rafters of the stable, turning dust particles to glitter. The nickering of awakening horses filled the stable’s ambiance, and a hen clucked idly out in the yard. It was peaceful, and the morning sun on your cheeks was making you regret leaving your bed.

Thankfully, the crackling of gravel under tires shook you from your morning daze. Two large trucks, both hauling impressive steel trailers, came toiling up the stable’s driveway.

Finally, ATEEZ was here.

You waved to signal the drivers where to park, walking over as the engines rumbled to a stop. There was a faint sound of hooves on metal, and a stray whinny or two pierced the air. It must have been a long ride for them. You wanted to see them, but there were more pressing matters. The first driver was already climbing out of his pickup, and you raised your hand to shake his.

“Hello, I’m y/n l/n. I’ll be your main stablehand during your stay here at Royals’ Elite Equestrian Center,” you introduced yourself with a smile. Admittedly, you’d spent more than a couple minutes rehearsing that line.

The man who’d driven smiled back at you, his eyes crinkling under his coffee-brown fringe. You tried not to mentally question the mullet.

“Oh, thank you,” he replied. “My name is Kim Hongjoong, but you can call me Hongjoong. We’re ready to unload if you are.” He gestured to the heavy steel trailers.

Kim Hongjoong? THE Kim Hongjoong? You felt a little bit of your soul leave your body.

“Of course. Nice to meet you, Hongjoong.” You smiled, pointing back at the barn. “The stalls are ready as well. Eight horses, right?”

“Yep,” he affirmed.

“And a box stall for the Clydesdale?”

“Yep. You guys really followed all of our requests, huh?”

“Of course!” you said, a little too enthusiastically. “Royals’ Elite prides itself on its hospitality.”

“We’re glad to be working with you,” Hongjoong said genuinely. He tapped on the window of the pickup, signaling that the rest of the riders could exit. Soon, the trucks were empty of passengers. The trailers’ steel doors were lowered, and the unloading process began.

“Seonghwa, take Dauntless first,” you heard Hongjoong say.

Park Seonghwa, triple gold dressage champion, the fangirl inside you sang. You tried to hide your starstruck-ness as a taller man with styled blond hair entered the first trailer. You heard the shuffling of footsteps and the click of a lead getting clipped to a halter. Not moments later, a large black stallion came stepping into the sunlight, head raised high. His coat shone like jet, and you couldn’t help but let a small ‘wow’ leave your mouth.

“Pretty, isn’t he?” a new voice piped up right next to you. You bit back a cry of surprise and turned to look at the speaker. “Hwanggeum’s prettier, in my opinion.”

If you hadn’t recognized his face by now, you definitely recognized the name of Jung Wooyoung’s prized Lusitano. He smiled brightly at you. “I’m Jung Wooyoung. You’re y/n?”

“That’s me,” you replied quickly, after getting over your inherent shock.

“Nice to meet you,” he said with a grin, before entering the trailer. Moments later, out stepped Hwanggeum, led by Wooyoung. The stallion’s name was no mistake–the buckskin really did gleam like gold, and from the high-stepping strides, he knew how stunning he was. Wooyoung gave you one last smile before walking after Dauntless and Seonghwa into the stable.

Next, a tall boy with black hair went inside, and you heard heavy hoofsteps echo from inside. From the sound, you knew this had to be Jeong Yunho’s retired Clydesdale. She was the largest by far, you noticed, when she walked down the trailer’s ramp at Yunho’s side. Yunho gave you a friendly greeting, but didn’t say much more than a ‘hello.’

“The box stall is at the end of the barn,” you offered helpfully as they passed. He waved at you, grateful.

“Thank you!”

Only after they had passed, did you notice that Yunho wasn’t carrying any sort of lead.

The last horse to exit the first trailer was unmistakable: Song Mingi’s Knabstrupper showjumper, Domino. Domino’s spotted coat only accentuated his strong legs and neck, which was arched in a stretch as he followed Mingi. You watched in awe as Domino kicked up his heels as he felt the gravel under his hooves, to which Mingi chuckled and walked Domino in a few small circles before entering the barn.

It was now time to unload the second trailer. The final four horses remained, and were getting impatient.

“We’d better go get them,” Hongjoong said at your side. “They won’t wait for long. I need to speak to the stable manager, would you please bring Gale to the stable for me?”

“Absolutely,” you said, completely calmly, definitely not losing your mind on the inside.

“He’s the last one,” Hongjoong said. “Thank you!” With that, he turned and walked towards the community building.

Steeling your nerves, you followed the four other ATEEZ riders around to the back of the second trailer. One of them, with red and brown hair–Choi San, your annoying fangirl mind chanted–reached up and lowered the ramp, going inside. San’s beautiful Haflinger gelding stepped out moments later, letting out a joyful whinny at seeing the sunlight. You tried and failed to hide your smile, which San returned with a sweet grin of his own.

“You like her?” he asked, to which you dumbfoundedly replied,

“Uh, yes!”

He laughed. “Me too!”

Suddenly, the shrill nicker of an Arabian rang out through the air as a shorter brown-haired rider walked in, a staple trait of Kang Yeosang’s award-winning mare. Sunny herself came trotting out of the trailer, leading Yeosang more than he was leading her. You laughed a little to yourself as he trotted her in a quick circle, similar to what Mingi had to do. She didn’t calm much, and you barely had time to tell Yeosang where to go by the time Sunny trotted into the stable, tail raised high.

Now it’s just you and Jongho left.

“Watch out,” he said to you as he walked inside the trailer. “Fuego doesn’t travel well.”

You nodded, worried about what the iconic brindle mustang might do.

“Ah, damn it!”

Not seconds later, Jongho’s voice griped from the trailer, before Fuego suddenly came galloping out, a lead rope dangling freely from her halter. She let out a bellowing neigh as she went cantering into the front yards, her head held high and ears pinned back. “Quick! Catch her before she makes even more of a mess!” he demanded, hurriedly jumping out of the trailer’s side door.

Your foggy, starstruck mind cleared instantly at his words, jumping into the situation at hand.

“Okay!”

The disgruntled mare was making a beeline for the road from whence they came, prompting you into a full sprint to catch up. She wasn’t travelling all that quickly, but she definitely wasn’t paying attention to where she was going, and would wind up in the main road within minutes.

“Fuego!” you shouted, an attempt at catching the mare’s attention. Her ear flicked back, indicating that she had heard you, but veered to the left, away from you. At least she’s not headed for the road anymore, you thought. You ran to the front gates and quickly shut them as Fuego left you in the dust, hopefully keeping her inside the compound.

Jongho, who was adjacent to Fuego, raised his fingers to his mouth and blew a sharp, high-pitched whistle. Fuego stopped in her tracks, skidding through the dirt like she’d learned to do in the arena. Her head swiveled to stare Jongho in the eyes, who was jogging in her direction.

He was barely a few meters away before she suddenly whirled on her heels and took off back the way she came, letting out a shrill whinny.

“Great, now she thinks this is a game!” Jongho groaned, breaking back into a sprint.

You laughed, although quickly shut up when you noticed Fuego barreling in your direction.

Suddenly, you had an idea.

“Fuego! Here, girl!”

You reached into your vest pocket and pulled out an apple you had saved to eat as a snack, waving the fruit through the air like a flag. It shone like a ruby in the morning light, and as if on cue, Fuego immediately became nothing more than a young thief eyeing jewelry on the street. Her big, brown eyes locked on target, and she slowed to a brisk trot, her hooves sending up clouds of dust. Moments later, you were face-to-face with Fuego herself.

She pressed her nose into your chest as you hid the apple behind your back, momentarily distracting her as you took a fierce hold on the mare’s (now dusty) lead rope.

“Good girl,” you soothed, letting her have the treat as soon as you got a grip. She munched happily, as if she’d been rewarded.

“Ugh, she’s going to think running away will get her treats now,” Jongho complained as he jogged over, slowing down to take Fuego’s lead from you. You were surprised to see that he wasn’t out of breath at all, and there was no malice in his voice. He gave you a grateful smile. “Thanks anyway. You’re, uh, y/n, right?”

“That’s me,” you said. “You’re Choi Jongho?”

“Sure am. Gale’s still in the trailer, by the way. I’ll take Fuego to her stall for you,” he said with a smile, giving the mare a pat or two. She snorted softly, closely watching your exchange with Jongho.

“Oh, okay,” you said. “I’ll get Gale.”

“Cool.” His grin was friendly, knowing. “You’ll like him.”

You laughed, unsure of what else to say. He smiled once more and turned to lead Fuego back to the stable, who clearly still had a little energy left. You let out a big sigh, relieved, and walked to retrieve Hongjoong’s horse from the trailer.

heyyyy here’s the first chapter. it seems a little boring now that i read it but i’m not changing that now lol. lemme know what yall think in the comments 💓💖💞💝💞

[whatkindofnameisella]

more self-indulgent izuocha fic

hola friends, i’m here with more izuocha and this time it’s like 3000% more self-indulgent because I made it a ballet au. adults? check. angsty reunion? check. my favorite girl’s pov? check. ballet terminology? you betcha. Giselle references inspired by Natalia Osipova and Carlos Acosta’s heartbreaking act II pas de deux? uhhh yuuuuuuuupppppp. strap in, folks. if you want something that’s not really 100% mha but has those characters together in a fic with a good amount of sensual yearning then you’ve come to the right place. it’s a bit of a long one (about 4000 words) so ill just put a little bit before the cut! it might not seem too fluffy at the beginning but I promise yall it gets there. please enjoy!

“Thank you, again, so much for coming.” Ochako’s arms were getting heavy with flowers, and she was running out of creative places to put them. One sticking out of her duffel, one in either pocket on the ends of her bag, an extra-large one in her arms – she would never have enough vases for them all, she never did. Sometimes she wished that people would just forget politeness and show up at the stage door with a smile on their face and a twinkle in their eyes. No apology for their horrible manners or forgetfulness, no overwhelming compliments that she didn’t know how to take, no trying to describe things they didn’t understand as if they did. Just an, “I loved it. Thank you so much,” and the hint to move on and let her go home in enough time to soak her feet in an ice bucket. Well, the kids could take their time; the stars in their eyes, their out of breath ramblings and their thousand dollar smiles could give Ochako the power to dance an entire four act ballet all over again. But with the adults? With their praise and expectations seeping through the cracks of their words? It made Ochako want to crumple up into a hole and just hide there for a while. Far, far away from the feeling that she was never actually good enough.

               It was a cold February evening and the city lights in the theater district blocked out all of the stars as Ochako greeted people by the stage door of the Opera House. She battled mounting exhaustion, muscle fatigue starting in her feet and climbing up her legs as old friends and family gave her sparkling bouquets full of fragrant flowers and compliments that made her feel like a million dollars. It made her heart beat a bit faster in her ribcage and the tunneling winds feel a little less intense when she heard someone say that she had made their evening. It was hard to believe, but she chose to take what she could get. It made standing a little more bearable, and people a little more happy, so she struggled through one-sided conversations strung with high praise that made blush creep up her neck to her face. 

“Oh, we should be the ones thanking you!” A group of friends from elementary school stood in front of her, about to leave. “You’ve grown so much since we were kids. Mie was never large enough for you.”

               “You’re too kind,” Ochako touched her hand to her chest, trying her best to convey warmth over the dull, pounding pain in her calves, “Call me again sometime. We need to meet up sooner than every other year.”

               A polite laugh rippled through the group of girls in front of her, “Of course, Uraraka!” They pulled back in to one last hug, “Break a leg with the rest of your performances! I’m sure you’ll be just as beautiful as you were tonight.”

               “Thanks so much you all – good night!” She waved down the alley as her friends walked the other way, back into the lights and cars of downtown Tokyo.

               Ochako sighed, watching the smoke from her breath curl up into the cold night air. She shifted the large bouquet from one arm to the other and stretched from side to side, thinking of a steamy shower and ice bucket waiting for her at home. Giselle was only two acts, but it sucked the life out of her every time she did it. It was her favorite role by far – being happy-go-lucky and bouncing off her feet in act one, being agonizingly slow and ghostly and heartbroken in act two. Playing a role where love won. Ochako never realized she needed to collapse until she got through the wings and to her dressing room, the effects of long petit allegros and pas de deuxs hitting her like a sack of bricks. She blinked a few times as she turned, feeling the dreary-ness of the night pulling down on her like a magnet. She took one last stock of the alley, making sure she finally finished talking to all that were there, wishing that Tsuyu were there to walk home with her as she caught glimpse of curly greenish black hair out of the corner of her eye and –

               Wait a minute… curly, greenish-black hair?

               She snapped her head back to where she had seen it, blood suddenly rushing through her well-worn arteries, air being sucked in through her hoarse throat. He had said that he might make it but she didn’t believe it, he was always so busy nowadays with his galas and international performances and, and –

               Her vision tunneled. Ochako’s heart stopped pumping for a count of two, her stomach taking that time to do a backflip along with all the butterflies that had suddenly appeared there. Her eyes took their time to drink him in; a bit tall and sheepish leaning against the wall next to his mom, a small bouquet of white and pink flowers in his bare hands. A winter jacket zipped up to his chin, a knit hat hiding half of his unruly hair. Perfectly tailored slacks and simple dress-shoes, standing in almost a resting pose, ever the dancer. That warm and good-natured smile pulling at his lips and that familiar spark of innocence in his eyes that made him so handsome. For a second she was sixteen again, looking at her best friend as studio lights bore down from overhead on his smiling face while they warmed up together before morning class. Seventeen and feeling her pulse zing as the popular kid partnered her in front of all the other girls who wanted to feel Izuku Midoryia’s hands on their hips. Eighteen and watching from the wings as the newest prodigy nailed his final UA performance, catching his eye every time he looked into her spot in the darkness behind the lights. Eighteen and drinking in the feel of her best friend’s arms around her as he hugged her at graduation. Eighteen and breathing in his cologne as they danced in a fancy reception hall. Eighteen and trying to burn into her memory the glint in his eyes when he laughed, the way he leaned against the barre when he was tired, the way he fidgeted with his fingers when he got bored in rehearsal or the way he bit his lip when he struggled with a combination. Eighteen and wishing that she wasn’t saying goodbye, anything but goodbye, it wouldn’t really be goodbye, convincing herself that she wouldn’t really bee saying goodbye at all.

               All that in an instant. Maybe she hadn’t needed to try so hard to remember all those details after all.

               Izuku Midoriya looked at her and fatigue flushed out of her legs so quickly she felt like she was floating. Ochako’s arms almost forgot to hold her bouquet; she felt like the flowers would just faze through her. Seven whole years of traveling, and rarely seeing him, getting used to just the idea of him, seeing pictures on the news, catching up through social media in the gaps between his rare visits, watching as he checked one thing after another off of his bucket list, feeling the gap between the two of them grow further and further… And now he was here. Less than ten feet away, tangible, and smiling expectantly. A knot unraveled within her and her shoulders relaxed from a tension she didn’t know she had been holding in. She felt like she was going to combust just standing there, so she took shaky steps that didn’t make her feel any less likely to clip through the ground.

               “Uh… Sorry the bouquet isn’t any bigger,” His voice sounded so different, so much more fitting and grown into than what it had been before. As she looked at him, Ochako looked for the hints of the timid prodigy she had once shared her life with. For a second she panicked. He looked stronger and taller, confidence rooting him to the ground in a way she had never seen in their time at UA. But when she looked deeper, she found bits of familiarity; the way he always hunched slightly in on himself, the tentative way his hands fidgeted when they had nothing else to do, the slight smile that was always genuine, the gleam of burning ambition that was always behind his eyes. He took a hesitant step towards her, biting both of his lips before opening them to speak, clearing his throat like he didn’t trust himself to talk, “I wanted to get something a bit more… you know, deserving, but ah…” He looked down at the flowers, opened his mouth and closed it, sucked in a breath before looking at her again, “I just came off a flight yesterday and there wasn’t really enough time to order a bigger one – oh!”

               Ochako tackled him with a hug, having to stand on her highest relevé to place her head over his shoulder. She hugged tight to his chest, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, crushing the bouquet she had been holding against his jacket with one hand and feeling the muscles of his back underneath his coat with the other. She breathed in the scent of his hair and his clothes for the first time in an eternity. After the initial shock wore off she felt his chest rise with an intake of breath and felt his cheeks lift with a small smile against her hug. His arms wrapped around her, warm and gentle and comforting. He was so strong and yet he held her tenderly, like if he grasped her too tight she would break. It was a feeling she felt foreign to; his arms against her like she was made of glass, afraid to constrict any tighter less she would shatter yet just tight enough to admire and wonder at. She felt so secure in those arms. A blizzard could have been raging around the two of them and she wouldn’t have feared the storm one bit. The aching feeling of tears clawed its way up her throat. She fought the battle against them and failed.

               “You of all people should know that the flowers don’t matter!” She whined. Against her will it came out as if someone had poked holes in it. A tear stung her cheek in the cold as it ran down her face.

               A small chuckle shook him and reverberated through her body, “You’re right, you’re right. I should know that.”

               Ochako sniffled and pulled away, immediately feeling a warmth being sucked out of her and barely remaining as she held on to his arms. A new light took its place as he looked slightly down at her, a smile playing on his face and tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. He was trying hard not to show it, but it came right through to her. The watery eyed, quick-to-cry teen that she had known throughout all of UA’s upper school would never really go away.

               She cleared her throat and smiled, “I mean, I really should be mad, shouldn’t I? You leave me for seven years and all I’m greeted with is a bouquet barely ten flowers strong!” She laughed and wiped away another tear, “But it’s hard to stay angry at you for too long, Deku. Always has been.” She squinted and smothered a smile hearing his nickname come out of her mouth again. She had missed saying it.

               Ochako watched his breath quickly catch at the sound of that name. A new gleam popped up in the corner of Deku’s eye as he looked at her, she could have sworn she felt his pulse pumping a bit faster through his fingers. She was sixteen and captivated by the underdog’s smile again, all flustered and floating in the light of those eyes. He suddenly blinked and looked down at his right hand, pulling it away and displaying the small white and pink cone of flowers. The scent wafted up to her; fresh roses and chrysanthemums and a dozen other small varieties packed into a dazzling selection. Not glamorous, not flashy, not expensive. Just simple and beautiful in its own way.

               “Well, these are for you,” a nervous sort of humor shook his voice, “If you’ll take them, of course.” Deku met her eye again, a hope hiding within. It melted her.

               Laughter bubbled up her throat and out through Ochako’s mouth, hands shaking as she reached out and took the small bouquet from his hands, “They’re beautiful, thank you.” Her fingers brushed against his for a second in the exchange, rough and freezing in the winter air. Goosebumps raced up her arms at the contact.

               “Okay okay, you’ve had your chance! My turn now!” Ochako turned to her left and found Deku’s mother smiling at her, tears already running down her face. She waved her son off of Ochako and gathered her into a hug of her own. She wailed over Ochako’s shoulder, “Uraraka, you were so beautiful tonight!” Her contact filled Ochako up with a different kind of warmth from Deku’s; motherly and brimming with pride. Like sitting around a fireplace at home, a sense of family warmer than any blanket that could’ve been tucked around your shoulders. Ochako mumbled a quick thank you into the fuzz of her hood collar. When they pulled away from the hug, Ms. Midoriya started rambling through a shaky voice, gripping a well-used tissue in her gloved fingers, “Simply stunning, Uraraka, simply stunning! You had me crying all act two, with that look on your face the entire time,” Her voice wavered as if the memory of it would make her start crying all over again, and she took a breath to compose herself before continuing, “Such beautiful stage presence, just like I remember from UA!” Ms. Midoriya reached out and cupped her hands around Ochako’s face, making Ochako blush against the cold, “I’ve never seen a more beautiful Giselle, never – Izuku, don’t you agree?”

               Ochako turned to find Deku grinning at the interaction between the two of them. He looked her in the eyes again, nodding, twisting her stomach in a knot, “Definitely. I mean, you’re jumps just look like you’re weightless – “

               “Oh, Uraraka, you should’ve seen him during the act two pas de deux! Crying a river next to me, I swear – !“

               “Mom!” A blush cropped up on Deku’s cheeks as he leaped forward to try and intercept his mother.

               Ochako smothered a grin and waved a hand in his face, “No, no, carry on Ms. Midoryia. You said he was crying?”

               “But – “

               “I looked over to see what this sniffing sound is and I see Izuku sitting there with an ocean’s worth of salt water on his face,” a defeated sigh escaped her son as she continued on, “Completely still. Barely breathing, even! I swear he could’ve been a statue in a museum – “

               “Okay, okay,” Deku made a successful interception, placing a hand between Ochako and his mother, “I think that’s enough for now, thank you mother.”

               On the outside Ochako laughed, but on the inside she took a minute to imagine it. That pas de deux was her favorite to both watch and perform. She flashed back to her own performance of it earlier that night and imagined what Ms. Midoriya had just described; herself lifting up her leg in the iconic side develope, promenading to an arabesque with a look of sorrow on her face. She had been hot and exhausted but was powering through. Her leg felt dead and she worried that it wouldn’t hold her up for much longer, but adrenaline kept her upright. And then she imagined Deku, still as stone and captivated by her. Crying. Not the loud, easily triggered type that she had grown to find endearing. A quiet, stunned cry of emotions that couldn’t have been expressed through words. Ones that refused to be tucked away and instead boiled over through tears and more tears. The type that made your lungs ache from the lack of air that refused to be taken in. The thought of it made Ochako’s head spin. She wondered how often an international ballet star cried like that at a performance he had the spare time to watch.

               As Ochako finished laughing a look of sincerity came across Ms. Midoriya’s face, “But really, Uraraka,” Ms. Midoriya peeled her son’s hand back, “It was so touching. Everyone in the theater was so captivated by you,” tears at the corners of her eyes threatened to flow over, “When you did those beautiful developés, with that stunning skirt…” She grasped her chest, “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It just wrenched my heart in two – all of our hearts, really.”

               Ochako felt her chest filled up with warmth. That wasn’t the kind of compliment you received every day – the kind that really touched your heart. Even if Ms. Midoriya wasn’t an expert in ballet, she had still meant every word she had said. Every syllable had been laden with another sobbing fit waiting to happen. Ochako appreciated that a lot. “Thank you, Ms. Midoriya,” Ochako reached out and placed her hand on the mother’s arm, “I’m so glad you got all that from my performance. I wish you two could see me more often!” Those words left a hollow space in her, knowing that they wouldn’t be coming back for her next performance. It was an inevitability that made her sad. She swept it away to the back corner of her mind just in time for Ms. Midoriya’s next words to knock Ochako off her feet.

               “But we will!” Ms. Midoriya lit up with a burst of energy, “There will be so many more opportunities next season with Izuku coming back into town –“

               Ochako did a double take and choked on her own spit. She turned away to cough and regain her composure. She had heard the rumors floating around the Corps girls recently but she hadn’t allowed herself to get caught up in them. Rumors were often just rumors, and no one from the main administration had passed it by her yet, so why should she believe them? She was a Prima with UA’s main Company – Japan’s biggest and most well-known ballet. She even toured and guested at other places from time to time. She couldn’t afford to let herself get caught up in maybes and distractions. Her carrier came first, always. It was always that way: carrier first, emotions later. If she wanted to make it, it had to be that way, it could only be that way. When it came to school she made the quick decision to focus on her training. When it came to graduation she took the route that she had always wanted to take without hesitation. When it came to finally being in the company she blended in to the corps, became the perfect copy. When it came to being a soloist, she treated every role like she would never get another. And when it finally, finally, came to being a principal, she only bathed in the sunlight for barely a minute before getting back to work again. It never stopped. She would never be as good as she wanted herself to be, so she settled for constantly working towards it. The past spent all work hours locked far away where she wouldn’t be able to get to it. It only held her back, to dwell on could-have-beens. That was all it seemed it would ever be.

               But now, for a second, she forgot to put carrier first. Emotions burst through the dam in her heart and surged outward to her fingertips, the floating feeling returning to her brain. Disbelief held thin but tight against her mind. She had waited seven years and given up hope for just as long. Ochako had only worked with Deku once since graduation, and she knew that was all she would get. Of course it was. He was a star; talented and handsome (god was he handsome) and always grabbing at the fruit out of reach. Everyone wanted a piece of him. He gave everyone a piece of him without hesitation, too. So why in the world would he settle for home? For what he had come from?

               Disbelief, however thin, held tight around her and would not let go.

               But she wanted to. Oh how she wanted to let go.

               The butterflies were dancing around her stomach again.

When Ochako turned back, she stared back at Deku’s mother in shock. A storm of emotions boiled within her that she was trying hard to conceal. “C-coming back to town? For next season?”                Ms. Midoriya cocked her head to the side in confusion, “You don’t know? Didn’t Izuku tell you?” She blinked a few times, leaning further in, “Izuku’s signing on with UA for a season or two starting this fall. It’s still a bit under wraps but – “

Ochako snapped her head to her friend, electricity zapping through her veins. She scanned his face furiously for clues – a guilty smile, a gleam in his eye, a reach behind his head and his torso folding in on himself. He looked at her, then the ground, then her again, then the wall, his freckles surrounded by a bright blush that sent her heart racing. She was floating again, so light that she could’ve passed right through the ground. This time she forgot to hold on to her flowers. The two bouquets in her arms crashed to the ground along with her duffel bag as she flung herself back into Deku’s arms. She saw herself at eighteen, alone and with a new sense of fear no matter how many people she had around her. Alone and feeling forever inferior to her best friend who had left her in the dust. Alone and never, ever good enough. Alone. Always alone.

Now, in his arms, sure that Deku would be back, she felt that memory wash away. The air was cold but he was warm and she could, for once, be the selfish one. And nothing else mattered for that moment. She would see him every day. They would warm up and take class together. He would take the empty space next to her at barre and in the center. They would laugh together as they messed up simple combinations and tried to get back on tempo. They would eat rushed granola bars in between rehearsals in the afternoon and go to physio at night.

She would feel his strong hands on her hips and breaths sliding down her neck as he stood behind and partnered her. His shirt would be damp with sweat and his breathing would be heavy, his brows set in concentration as he held her. She’d experience the rush of the crowd next to him, be half of one well-oiled machine. She would hold his hand in the wings before they went on together, feeling the electricity zapping between the two of them, sharing nerves and emotions and anticipation for the lights. She would stand next to him at curtain call, curtsey until her knee was to the floor and hug him in the spotlight.

All of that would happen. It seemed so amazing that she wanted to pinch herself to bring her mind out of a daydream. But it wasn’t a daydream.

It was a cold February evening. The lights blocked out the stars in the Tokyo’s theater district as Uraraka Ochako hugged her best friend for the first time in years by the stage door. His embrace was warm and comforting and she wanted to stay there for as long as he would let her. He had given her a small bouquet of pink and white flowers that she would keep alive for as long as possible in her most beautiful vase she could find. He was signing on to the company that she never thought he would turn back to. Her heart was doing cartwheels around itself in overwhelming excitement.

Ochako couldn’t wait for autumn to begin.

[lestwinsfanfics]

Just Friends - Chapter 56

Aaliyah

I could feel the boom of the bass underneath the soles of my feet. My heels only acted as transmitters, and the alcohol I’d ingested throughout the night made me feel every beat through my body. I tossed my head back lazily, though I was only just past tipsy. This started a slow body roll in my seat to the beat of “Company” by Tinashe. Leslie randomly played this song on repeat last week when we were hanging out and my body wound familiarly to the synth-y beat. My eyes were closed, and I tossed my head side to side, hearing Tyler egg me on while feeling her bouncing by my side. She tossed her long, freshly done braids into a ponytail earlier and currently swung them around and I couldn’t help but grab my phone to take a video.

“I’m nothing like a girlfriend.” She sang along into the camera, standing and turning her body to give an extra dance to the camera. I laughed, yelling out at her and turning the camera to myself briefly before putting my phone down, just in time to start bouncing around for Kehlani’s “Distraction.”

This was my shit.

I rose to my feet with Tyler, the both of us dancing together amongst the people in VIP, laughing and singing loudly along. “DO YOU DO YOU DO YOU WANNA BEEEEEEE?!”

Eventually the two of us made it to the dance floor to really turn it out. The DJ was bomb, and Jamal had hand picked her for tonight’s festivities. I was glad he stayed true to his promise of fun night, because I had zero plans for going out tonight.

Jamal had begged me yesterday evening, and even roped Tyler in. She wasn’t a hard sell, she was always down for a good time so it was two against one and before I knew it, I was beating my face and donning a long black button up shirt with splits up the sides, and a pair of leather shorts. My hair was bone straight and my weave hung almost down to my ass. I made a spur of the moment decision to add clip ins and upon seeing the full picture of my look, I was feeling it.

A couple shots before we headed out, and a couple more to sustain my vibe throughout the night, I was having a blast.

I threw it back against Tyler, shaking my ass to “Slow Motion” by Trey Songz, dropping down and popping back up toward her.

“That’s my bitch!” She yelled out, her hand on my hip as I moved. I had my lip in my mouth and one hand on my knee to stabilize myself.

We were on one, and even my heels weren’t going to stop me from having a fun ass night.

Jamal had been running around the club handling business, popping in on us at various moments of the night and making sure we were situated with drinks and whatnot. Once he and I locked eyes, I did an extra wine on Tyler, making him raise his eyebrows mid conversation with one of the bouncers of the other VIP area to the left of us.

He dapped him up and walked over to us, prompting Tyler and I to circle him and dance around him, me behind and her in front. He laughed, shaking his head and raising his hands, letting us switch off dancing on him, before we both went to town, dancing on his legs as he held one side of either of our hips.

“Yall fuckin stupid yo.” He said with a laugh, grabbing us both into a side hug while we walked back to our table. “I seen yall out there getting it in though. Why I aint get none of that?”

“Because you aint my nigga.” Tyler said, prompting us to laugh together at her blunt nature. “Idk her excuse though.”

“Bitch.” I replied, squinting at her, which only made Jamal laugh more. I could really appreciate that he was respectful of me trying to figure things out, and our friendship had shockingly only continued to get better since that day in my office.

While I knew there would likely always be an undercurrent of something with him, I was glad that it was easy going and never awkward.

I didn’t have to worry about anything tonight though, because as it stood, he was dating the bottle girl that currently waited on our VIP section. I wondered if she knew about me, she wasn’t really rude but she also wasn’t particularly nice either. She was just, regular.

“Y'all good over here?” She asked loudly as she walked past our table.

“Yeah.” Tyler answered back, not feeling her energy and barely paying her any mind. I giggled, giving her a big smile and nodding.

“Yeah I think so, thanks.”

“No problem.” She smiled back, her pearly white teeth glimmering as much as her glossy lips. Her toned legs looked amazing in the club’s provided attire for its bartenders. She was a pretty girl, I would never hate. “You good, Mal?”

“Yeah.” They both smirked at one another before she walked away and he looked at me, only to see my eyebrows raised. “What?”

He laughed and so did I. “Nothing.” I said with a shrug and a smile, noting their interaction and the way he took his arm from around me when she came over.

He liked her more than he let on. It was cute.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” I yelled over the music to Tyler who was currently plotting on this dude by the VIP bar. He and his friends had been next to us the entire night and while we’d had a couple funny interactions, I knew when my friend was interested, and interested she was.

“You want me to come?”

“No, no stay. I’ll be right back.” I said, insisting she stay. “Use the alone time wisely.

I nodded my head toward him, making Tyler laugh before I headed off toward my destination.

–

After reapplying the lipstick that coated my lips and taking a quick selfie, I toyed with my hair a little bit before posting the picture on my instagram. As soon as I looked up, the door flew open and I gasped, not expecting the quick and heavy swing of it.

"Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

You know that feeling when someone has been staring at you specifically? Like, past people watching, with an awareness and familiarity to the analysis of your moves.

I couldn’t place it, but I’d been feeling it all night. Now I finally understood why.

Karina stood, staring at my reflection in the mirror. It had to be here. The timing of this wasn’t coincidental and I knew that. I was surprised that I didn’t burn up from the amount of heat her glare provided me throughout the night. While a piece of me wanted nothing more than to give her the shit eating grin of her nightmares, the one that said “I have more control than you ever had.” I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction. She didn’t deserve any extra energy from me. “Aaliyah.”

I sighed, a single dry chuckle left my body as I dropped my phone into my clutch.

Karina stood in front of me, clad in jeans, a white crop top, and a gaudy mens chain. Her body, as per usual, looked amazing and her hair, just the same, was flawless.

I’d seen pictures of her… interesting makeup and clothing decisions that never hit the mark, and while tonight was no different, I wouldn’t nit pick at her appearance. She was still a beautiful girl.

A beautiful girl who only ever stood in my presence to start some shit.

“Karina.” I replied with a smile and a tilt of my head. “You look nice.”

She squinted, roaming my body with her eyes before settling on my face with a nod of approval. “So do you. I love that lipstick.”

“Thanks.” I nodded back, taking a deep breath and preparing myself to exit. “Well, if you’ll excuse me…”

“Look, I’m not here to start trouble.” My laughter was impossible to contain. It left my lips and caused me to shake my head. She continued, unmoved by my clear reaction. “I just… I’m glad we ran into each other in here. I wanted to come speak earlier but… yeah.”

“Lets not play these games, Karina.” I paused, pulling back my negative energy. I wasn’t about to have my night ruined. “You had no reason to come say hi to me. No reason to speak. Lets not pretend that we’re friends or have more than one thing in common. So with that, have a nice night.”

I assumed her silence was based in shock considering I didn’t often speak more than a few words than her. I would never give her the satisfaction, especially not in a work environment and our minimal interactions had been all surrounding my job. This, in comparison, probably seemed bold. She didn’t know me enough to know this was a norm.

I moved to the side in order to pass her. “No, Aaliyah. I want to apologize.”

I sighed, leaning against the wall, simultaneously wishing and praying that someone would walk in and interrupt us, but also thankful that no one did.

My lack of commentary cued her to continue.

“I know that I’ve been rude to you in the past. The reality is, I know how close you and Larry are, and I needed to accept that and not put my frustration with him out on you.”

I crossed my arms, telling of my discomfort and annoyance with being here, and while my drunk was wearing off, I really didn’t want this to taint the rest of my evening.

I’d grab a round of tequila shots when I walked out of here.

“Larry was my boyfriend. Not you.It was his responsibility to make sure I was comfortable with the relationship between the two of you. Not yours.” I scoffed, unable to control myself. “I was rude because I was uncomfortable and insecure and I should have been more demanding with him, not a bitch to you. My bad. Really.”

“I appreciate that.” I replied, still not falling into her bullshit. I knew how Karina played. There was an ulterior motive somewhere here.

“Is that all?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay then.” I turned to grab the door before feeling her hand on my shoulder.

“You said that was it.” The sigh I let out bled through my words.

“Look, even though Larry needed to be the one making me feel comfortable, that doesn’t mean I didn’t know that there was something else going on between the two of you.” I just watched her, schooling my face the best way I could to not give anything away.

“Anyone who is around you two for any extended period of time can see it. Y'all aren’t as slick as you think you are.”

“Larry and I have nothing to do with you, despite what you think.” I stopped her. “Your relationship with him is yours. Don’t worry about mine. We have business. That business has nothing to do with you.”

“I’m not saying I have anything to do with you guys.” She paused. “Not anymore I’m not.”

I squinted, wondering what exactly she meant.

“All I’m saying is that I see it. I see the chemistry and I know something is there…” She paused, collecting her words. “Aaliyah I don’t know much about you but you seem like a good girl. You’re beautiful, you’re smart. You’re business-minded. Hell, you’ve never batted an eye at me despite my best attempts to fuck with you and that alone is commendable because it couldn’t have been me.”

She laughed a little bit recalling her bullshit.

“You deserve more than Larry fucking Bourgeois. You do.” she stopped, her voice soft yet… firm in her words. “You can do better. Don’t let him walk all over you and bullshit you girl.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Whether you want to admit it or not, Larry has you under his thumb and I know he does because you know all about his bullshit and despite it, you still deal with his ass.”

“I work with him.” I remained convicted in my words even though we all knew this was way past work. “I have no choice but to deal with him.”

“This isn’t about work and you know that.” The boom from the music let me know that I was currently missing a really good migos song and while I was a bit annoyed, it could wait. “Larry is holding you back and he will always be on bullshit, no matter what.”

“Karina I’m-”

“You think he was loyal to me while we were together?” She scoffed loudly, pushing forward. “Please. I knew he was cheating and let him cook. He even fucked a couple of the girls who are behind the bar as we speak! He will continue whatever behavior you allow until he gets sick of it and will toss you aside.” she paused, controlling her anger.

I pursed my lips in silence, I could tell her frustrations would get the best of her soon and my lack of reaction wasn’t helping matters.

But if I was being honest, some of the things she was saying made me pause.

“All I’m trying to say Aaliyah is that if it isn’t me, it will always be another girl. You deserve someone who’s willing to just be for and about you.”

“Like I said before Karina.” I paused, turning toward the door and grabbing the handle. “Larry and I have nothing to do with you. I appreciate your concern and your apology earlier, but you don’t know me at all. You and I aren’t the same, and whatever impression you have of me is something you made up in your head. I’m good.” “There you are.” Jamal’s voice caught me off guard as he stood next to the bathroom door. I wasn’t confident that he hadn’t heard every bit of our conversation, and I prayed the audio and thick bathroom door had kept us contained. “You good baby girl?”

I fixed my face quickly, tilting my head with a smile as he put his arm around me, pulling me into a light hug. “Yeah. I’m good.”

“I just ordered us another round and you weren’t there. Tyler told me you were in the bathroom.” He rambled on as we left the hallway leading to the bathroom. As we turned I couldn’t help but look back at the door at a shocked Karina, whos eyebrows were raised. She nodded with a slight smile, which I assumed was because of Jamal and I leaving together.

A couple shots and dances later, and I was back in the flow of the evening.

But nothing said was forgotten.

—————–

I yawned, tossing the oversized t shirt over my head before I grabbed the big bottle of lotion from Noelle’s dresser. She was currently in Amsterdam living her best life and I would be indulging in her bed tonight while she was gone. After we left the club, we went and grabbed pizza and made our way back to Ty and Noelle’s apartment which was the closest.

“I'ma sleep in my damn boxers, shit. I don’t care.”

“Don’t nobody want ya stankin ass on my couch nigga!” She yelled back, with a mouth still full of something, Pizza I would guess or some of the fries I’d left on the table when I went to shower.

I laughed to myself as they continued to argue, jokingly as they always did.

“Mal, you don’t have any ball shorts?” I mused, popping my head out of the room. I heard the phone ringing on Tyler’s end, and her enthusiastic hello let me know that she would be quieter for a little bit.

“Oh shit you right.” he replied to me, watching me walk out of the room and plop onto the living room couch. “Lemme go check my car real quick.”

“You smell good.” he said with a smile before grabbing his keys and Tyler’s, and walking past me, putting his hand ontop of the scarf on my head.

“I always smell good.” I said, rubbing the remaining lotion on my arms.

“You a lie.” He said, closing the door before the pillow he knew I was going to toss at him could make contact.

“Mmm, I don’t know actually.” Tyler continued her conversation before grabbing her Gatorade and downing it. “We’ll probably go get breakfast or something unless Liyah got something to do in the morning.”

“Who you talking to?” I asked, raising my eyebrow before noticing that the marbled phone case in her hands belonged to me.

It was then that I recognized the voice on the other end. “She so nosy.”

“I know, right?” Tyler replied, smiling into the phone. “Always in my business.”

“You’re on my phone, so that makes it my business.” I said, a yawn following my words as I felt myself getting deeper and deeper into the comfort of the chair.

“Your phone rang while you were in the shower so I grabbed it. I figured you’d want to talk to him.” She said to me, still with my phone in her hands.

“I don’t want to talk to his ass.” I said with an eyeroll and a smile.

“Oh please, I know you want to talk to ya nigga. Bye Larry!” She said waving at him. “Tell your annoying ass brother I said hi too.”

Larry laughed as he said his goodbyes and I laughed as she handed me my phone.

My smile remained as soon as I saw Larry’s sleepy face.

“You don’t wanna talk to me?” Larry said.

“Nope.” I said, emphasizing the p to solidify my lie.

“wooooow, that’s fucked up.” he replied, making me laugh as I flopped down onto the bed. Literally as soon as I got comfortable I felt my eyes getting heavier and heavier.

“I’m just kiddingggggggg.” I said, my words slurring with sleep and any remnants of alcohol I hadn’t muted with the greasy pizza. “I always want to talk to you.”

“You look so good.” Larry sighed with a big smile. I could faintly see darkness around him, it was clearly night time as he leaned against the window by his side. My stomach churned and my face warmed with his words. I couldn’t help myself.

“Stop it.” I said shyly, grabbing the blanket at the bottom of the bed and covering myself. “What are you doing?”

The rose and sandalwood blend that Noelle always wore filled my nostrils and made me miss her. It also only furthered my comfort levels as I felt myself sinking more and more into the bed.

“Driving back to the hotel.” He said with a yawn.

“New Zealand, right?”

“Yeah.” he replied quietly, staring at me through the screen.

“No club tonight?”

“We gonna go after we get back maybe? I dunno, the show went too crazy and I’m tired as hell.”

“Was it good?” I yawned, snuggling in more.

“It was so fucking good.” He was still speaking quietly, the microphone on his headphones making his voice sound like it was right beside me. I was tempted to shut my eyes, but I ignored the sting they provided and stayed alert. “The crowd was so wild. They cheer so hard for me and Lau baby, it was the best.”

“That’s so good!” I said back, mimicking his smile and energy even though I struggled to keep my eyes open now that I’d found a comfortable spot. I was toasty warm, covered in a blanket, snuggled into bed, and talking to Larry. I felt at peace.

“I hear you out all night.” Larry said with his eyebrow raised.

I tossed my head back, glancing up at the ceiling as I laughed. “You should have seen me. I was a dancing machine.”

Larry laughed. “I do see. You never dance like that for me, not in a long time I think…”

“What do you mean you saw?” Larry smiled and raised his eyebrows in response to my question. “Tyler posted shit?” I asked, kissing my teeth and rolling my eyes. I’d kill her when I woke up in the morning.

“You look sexy though. That little shorts you have on?” he hissed dramatically, shaking his head and putting his hand over his chest. “My God.”

“Don’t be dirty with the Lord’s name.”

“You look so good though I think I maybe in heaven.”

“Shut up” I laughed, still yawning and feeling my eyes water. Recollections of the night had me remembering the conversation with Karina…

I considered spilling the beans, but I didn’t want a fight. Not right now.

I still needed time to think.

“I’m serious…” Larry paused, the silence of the car he was in and the silence on my end was soothing and lulling, and allowed me to abandon the conversation on the tip of my tongue with ease.“You even more beautiful right now.”

I couldn’t help the soft grin tugging at my lips. He could be so charming. “Thank you, Larry.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I’m sure I’ll see you online in the morning at the club too.” I said, referring to the inevitable fan recorded videos that would flood my work timeline and my alerts.

“Man I going to bed I think, I’m so damn tired. They gonna want to stay up all damn night too.” He kissed his teeth again, prompting me to shake my head at the dramatics of it all.

“Oh please.” I replied through a yawn. “You never too tired to hit the club. Who you with?”

He flipped the camera, showing me Lau leaned against the opposite window to him, mouth ajar as he slept. They had to have been exhausted. These two never took an opportunity to skip out on going out just to rest. Even if they needed to in order to have a good day the next day, they’d push and push.

“He so ugly, liyah. He don’t look better than me ever. I ashamed sometimes.” He cracked on his twin as I laughed, calling him rude between insults. Before I knew it, Lau’s hand dove across the seat and smacked the phone from Larry’s hand.

After a mild tussle, Larry’s face was back on the screen, shaking his head and muttering French insults. Larry was usually the more physical one, while Lau’s verbal attacks were deadly, so I’m sure those slaps I heard came from Larry.

“That was rude.” I joked.

“Nah he a baby.”

“Fuck up, Larry.” Lau said off screen.

“Baby we pulling up to the hotel, I call you when I get in?”

“Yeah I might be asleep by then but you can try.”

“No no, get some rest. You a party animal now.” I laughed, knowing he teased at how much I valued sleep. “You better stay up with me next time I’m in town. I wanna see what you can do.”

“Larry.”

“You gonna show me?” He said with a smile and a slight tilt to his head. I sighed softly, making his eyes narrow.

Larry would get sexual occasionally and though we’d clearly crossed that line many times in the past, him not being here and making those jokes allowed me to still keep the distance I wanted to. I knew sleeping with him would throw me off.

“You so nasty Larry I don’t need to hear that shit.” Lau yelled, making me laugh. “Hi Liyah. You nasty too.”

I gasped in mock offense. “I didn’t do anything!.”

“Don’t listen to Lau.” I heard Larry say over my yawn. “Okay its time for you to go to bed.”

“Yeah I think i’m going to call it.”

“Bye baby, have a good morning okay?”

“I’ll talk to you soon.” I said, kissing my fingers twice toward him.

As soon as the call ended, I dropped my phone and was down for the count.

——– Larry took an extra hit, letting the smoke linger out of his mouth and quickly sucked it back in, lips poked out, still gently laughing. I smiled lightly, singing along quietly to Up by Wiz Khalifa.

Our hands grazed as he passed me the joint. I could feel a tingling on my face and while I knew I was high, that wasn’t the reason. Larry’s eyes caught mine just as Wiz crooned.

“You got me walkin on the ceiling” Larry mouthed along, closing his eyes as he layed back on my headboard.

I found myself lost in my thoughts. Smoking could be so… enticing sometimes. Almost erotic. From the woodsy aroma that the weed emits, the shape the smoke takes as it hits the air, how it can go from a heavy thickness to whispy and thin, the way it lingers wherever it touches… it was easy to find yourself immersed in the moment while you’re high, just watching everything happen around you.

It also didn’t hurt to watch the smoke exit the lips of a picturesque male like this one.

“You should dance to this boo.” I say, interrupting my own thoughts, nudging Larry’s side.

“Only if you sing for me…” he grinned at me, knowing I was much more apt to do so while high. His smile encouraged me.

“Nigga you aint slick.” I said, side eye-ing him playfully and catching myself falling under his spell like I always did.

These were the moments that could never and would never forget. The moments I loved with my love… my best friend.

We didn’t get to do this often, what with our work schedules and just life in general, but the connection never left… and unlike most relationships, the distance didn’t completely ruin it.

It had been harder to stay connected over the years but… I don’t think either of us could just completely let the other go.

Come to think of it, we were probably too damn old to be sitting up in a room, bed covered in snacks, getting high as hell and blasting music. But we loved it. and we made a point to always do it at least once while we’re together. More often than not more than once.

Because everything’s better when you’re high…

All of my senses were heightened at this point. I could smell the notes of the candles burning next to me, the most prominent one being the dark musky but sweet one brought back to me from belgium…only to be burned on special occasions. I could feel Larry’s heavy body on every piece of my skin.

For someone who could move so lightly, his presence could be so heavy. We were between j’s. Larry’s head resting on my chest, My hand tangled in his hair. Him playing with the fringes on the blanket covering us, breathing deeply from the feeling of my nails in his scalp. I could feel his fingers switch jobs, drumming the beat of the opening to the song on my thigh.

I was sent here for you, we were made to love, we were made to love. Could the music have been any more appropriate?

I could feel his voice vibrating against me, like he could mine. My body tingled with a warmth that I knew was more than the temperature. Larry’s scent, warm and inviting, made me feel safe and at home.

This was a familiar back and forth for us. No matter how few and far between these moments come, this would always be it.

“Who that?” Larry’s head popped up as the chime of my phone interrupts the song.

“mmm..” I paused awkwardly as I reached to my side, not fuily sure who it was, but also not wanting to ruin the moment. I was prepared to lie regardless of who it was but the name made me grateful inside. “It’s Lau. He’s pissed you didn’t answer him.”

“Yeah well he should still be pissed, your shit should be on silent too, like mine.“ he mumbled as we both settled back into the bed, side to side now instead of tangled amongst each other. "You not slick baby. Who you waiting to hear from?”

“No one… I just… forgot” I say, pausing to stall. My phone buzzed in my hand again. as a new message popped in the middle of the screen. “Lau is on his way soon.”

“Yeah, maybe he come in an hour or 2, that nigga slow.” his laugh deep, husky, and smoke filled…while holding a bright bunny tooth-ed smile, the annoyance his voice was previously filled with completely changing. Before I could point out his baby face and fully join in with his teasing, his phone rattled against my leg, shining an unsaved number. I ignored it the first time, as he generally keept his phone face down or unseen and on silent, no vibrate, no sound. Seeing the number pop up irritated me immediately, and uncontrollably.

Call me selfish. Call me out on the double standard. I don’t care. I know what those unsaved numbers mean… at least mine isn’t a random fuck…or a basic ass waste of time.

“Don’t pout at me like that baby, I know what you about to say.” He was the one who should have been questioned now, just as I had been a little while ago. The room darkened with my mood.

Neither of us could ever hide our emotions, especially with each other. My second nature scowl was obvious to him before it was obvious to me. “I’m not about to say anything,” I replied, shifting some more to attach my phone to the charger. “Go answer your phone, it’s annoying.”

“No… fuck that. its our time.” He sighed.

Like clockwork I glanced into my hands to see my phone quickly buzzing alerting me to a message, but not from the absent twin. Jamal… texting me, wondering why he hasn’t heard from me today, and seeing how my day is going. He knew where I was, who i was with. He wouldn’t press much.

Hed met the boys a few times. They didn’t like him, but they don’t like many niggas, especially ones who seem like they’re getting too close. The feeling was mutual on Jamal’s end.

He felt left by the wayside when Larry came around. But he knew I needed freedom, and caging me in would be the best way to lose me. So he let it be. We worked best that way.

I let the text go unread and unanswered initially, but I knew the jist of what was there. I guess Larry presumed I would answer it, because when I looked over toward him, his head was buried in his phone, tapping away quickly. I lingered close to my desk, pretending to look through my drawer to give him time. Once i turned back toward him, Larry threw his phone to the side. It began to vibrate immediately after leaving his hand.

“Answer it.”

“It’s business.”

Our words came out simultaneously. Larry rose up and made his way to the end of the bed, walking out of the pale blue room and closed the door behind him. I rolled my eyes, doubting business would have been ignored this long. I quickly shot Jamal a text, letting him know things were cool and we’d get together soon. I closed my eyes as “Good Morning” by kanye began to play, letting it fade into my high. into my head. Into me. —- Larry

The warmth surrounding me spread higher and higher until I tossed the heavy blanket off of my body, briefly disoriented and confused at my surroundings. My eyes burned with a combination of the lack of sleep I’d been getting and the bright sun streaming in through the window and directly covering my entire body. I looked over at the other bed, only to see Lau comfortably sleeping and unbothered by the head as I’d been.

My body was sore as I lifted up, and the dull crack of my joints could be heard through the room, making me cringe and smile in a weird delight at the sound.

Old pizza filled my nose and I looked down, only to see a box with crusts and a couple slices left next to a bottle of wine. The wine was for the girls of course, the pizza being by my bed had to have been my own doing.

Lau and I had one of the bigger rooms, just out of luck, making it the perfect post club party spot. With two days off from tour to travel, we went hard last night and ended up here to cap it all off.

Lau wasn’t too enthused to have the company, he had plans on bringing home a girl but we all nipped that in the bud. I on the other hand was determined to keep my dick in my pants for once, though a few of my consistent girls were definitely hitting my line as soon as they’d found out that the tour had landed in Glasgow.

I smiled to myself at the chicken wings that laid open next to the girls, as well as the many boxes of pizza’s that we’d ordered to have meet us back home after the club. My limbs felt like jello, but as vague bits of my dream came flooding back to me, I began to feel unsettled and uncomfortable in my spot.

I slowly and gingerly walked out into the main area of the suite, which was currently draped in even more sunlight than my bed had been. I smiled to myself at the chicken wings that laid open on the counter, as well as the other two pizza boxes and drinks everywhere. Ashley’s sweater was hanging over the couch, I’d have to remember to grab it for her.

I stretched, grunting once more at the noises my body made, only to see exactly what I had been looking for.

Right next to an open bottle of sprite sat my phone, all my rings, and my wallet. I shook my head, skimming the missed notifications and seeing nothing jumping out at me. Lau’s phone sat on the counter as well, charging and instead of leaving it in its spot, I replaced it with my own.

Just as soon as I’d touched his phone, it rang, and a familiar name crossed the screen, prompting me to answer.

"Lesssssss, wassup.” I said yawning and stepping out onto the balcony so as to not wake up Lau with my conversation. I knew it was fairly early and I could go back to sleep after this.

“Larry, hi, I actually wanted to talk to you.” I couldn’t recall the time change but I knew from the amount of energy Leslie had that it had to be fully into the day. it was bright on her end, and I could tell she had me propped up on her desk, as she clicked away at her computer and the different production devices she had recently gotten and taught herself to use. The drum machine to her left was specially recommended by me and purchased by Lau as a surprise.

Though they’d resolved that their relationship was best left to be open, as he traveled and avoided his own shit and she focused on her recovery, they still clearly felt strong ties and he would always be there for her. My brother had a wandering eye but he was always caring more than he let on. Especially when it came for Leslie.

“You call my brother’s phone to talk to me?”

She rolled her eyes. “You know if I called you first Lau would be mad at both of us for a week.”

We both laughed, she wasn’t lying.

“Listen, I’m about to send you the mix you asked me for, I added some kicks and I played with the last part you didn’t like.”

“Aww shit,” I praised her, feeling the vibration of a notification on my phone. I quickly glanced, seeing that I hadn’t turned my whatsapp off, and sighed, not seeing what I hoped it was. “Thank you. I gonna listen later.”

“Yeah just let me know what you think.”

“I will. How you feeling?”

“Good!” she replied. “Really good. I got PT in a couple hours so I’m just up, feeling ready to get some shit donw. They think I can get my casts off in two months!”

The excitement in her voice matched the bright look on her face and I couldn’t help but smile back. I knew how it bothered Leslie to be tied down to casts and wheelchairs. Her injuries weren’t life threatening thank God, but the road to recovery had been a stressful one to say the least.

“Two? That’s amazing!”

“Right?! I’ll still be in the wheelchair but just with soft casts instead of these hard ones. My rib is still healing but that’s going to just be a process I have to deal with.”

“Damn Les, I’m glad to hear that.”

“Thank you Larry.” My phone buzzed again and I quick glanced, noting that email that Leslie sent had made its way. When I came back to the screen Leslie had me on pause.

“Sorry, Aaliyah just hit me.”

“That makes one of us.” I replied bitterly.

“What?” Leslie asked. I sighed.

“Nothing, man.”

“What did you do.” She said with a hint of joking in her tone.

“Why you think I do something?” I bit back.

“Because you always do something.” Leslie said frankly. I cringed. I had really been out here like that?

Leslie clearly saw my distressed look and felt bad. “I’m kidding, Larry. If it makes you feel any better, Ali hasn’t said anything to me about you fucking up so I doubt you did anything too crazy.”

“She don’t answer my calls or my texts. I don’t get it. I only get emails from her for work. I even try to call her there, girl who answer phones there say she busy.”

“hmm…” she paused. “I mean she has been super busy lately. I barely have seen her.”

“You don’t see her much but you see her a little bit… and I know you talk to her. I don’t see, I don’t talk, and I try. Lau call her, she don’t answer him either. She know we don’t need nothing because we on tour, we not booked for too much but she only email us or text us for work. That’s it.”

“Larry she’s probably just busy.” Leslie assured me.

“She never this busy. Not to not talk to me.” I paused. “We don’t speak in like three weeks almost a month. I talk to her in Australia, and I don’t talk to her since.”

“Was it good when you talked?”

“Yeah, she go out with Tyler and I talk to her before she sleep. I text her in the morning, she reply "Ok.” and that’s it. I don’t talk to her other than for work since then.“

Leslie seemed to be just as confused as I was in the moment, which made the whole thing even weirder. Leslie knew everything that went on between Aaliyah and I and it was something.

"I don’t - I dunno what to say.” She said with a shrug. Her face empathetic to my clear frustrations, but I knew deep down that even if she did know, if Aaliyah had sworn her to secrecy, she would never tell me.

Briefly my mind went back to the dream I’d had last night.

– “Why you keep calling. What you want.“ I bit into the phone with my voice low. I couldn’t take Aaliyah, who was on the opposite side of this door, hearing me. We were at home, I was supposed to be taking a business call and here I was, answering phone calls I had no business answering. This was the last time.

“Damn babe I didn’t know it was like that?”

“Karina… you did know. stop calling me. I see you when I see you.”

“Baby I-“

“Stop that ‘baby’ shit!” I said firmly, sick of her shit. She knew where I was, and who i was with, and as a result hadn’t stopped nagging me, calling, or texting. I could only ignore for so long.

“Nigga whatever.” she said with a sigh. “frontin on me because you’re with that bitch.”

“Ay, watch your mouth.”

“NIGGA FUCK YOU AND HER! SHE AINT SHIT. WHEN THIS BABY GETS HERE WHAT YOU GONNA DO THEN HUH? AND ANOTHER THING…” I hung up before she could get started instead of playing her game. I refused to waste time hearing her shit, or getting pissed and having Aaliyah read me like a book.

I was already giving her enough drama with Karina having a baby, my baby, and Aaliyah, still working her ass off for us, and loving me at the same time. I was already sharing my time between her, work, and my extracurriculars. I didn’t need to give her more stress.

She always knew, even when I tried to hide it, even when she gave me passes. I broke the rules every time I could and still here she was.

I don’t want her probing… or worrying - not anymore than she already did. I would be done with it all once the baby came.

Plus, Aaliyah hates Karina. hell… I hate Karina. but she was so easy to be with. So was Jordyn. and Melanie… and Toya.

Even though my girls were having a hard time letting go, Karina was the worst of them all. I didn’t care though. I made a promise. I would keep this one. This time it was real.

Quickly, after taking a deep breath, I took the call with one of our promoter friends off of mute in order to hear about the upcoming gig Lau and I had in Nepal. It was so crazy…. living in and out of hotels, different places every night.

Home is where the heart is though right?

Home for now would be wherever I could lay my head.

If I had to pick a consistent place though, it would be here. This sunny home in the middle of the city… with her. Always with her.

I barely listened to the details, walking around, pacing from room to room and before finally getting back to the door I’d walked out of initially. Things were unfamiliar, but also completely familiar too. I likened it to not being here in some time.

Everything always changed around me. I watched the walls darken from a pale grey to a deeper charcoal.

After ending the call with a promise of an email, i stepped back through the door, candle wax and slight lingering smoke mostly from the blown out candles still flowing in the air. That, and her perfume. So distinct, but I never knew what exactly it was.

Sometimes, before I left town, I would spray a couple of her smells onto my stuff, just to feel her near. It was never the same but it was as close as I could get. It smelled like comfort. Memories. Love.

Aaliyah was right there, laying on the bed, eyes closed, vibing. I can hear her humming harmonies quietly along with James Blake, too zoned to notice me right away.

Her bed was floating.

Yeah. If I had to choose a home, it would be here…her.

I smiled at the thought of her traveling the world with me. Coming home to this every night. My best friend. I love her. In another life, we’d be perfect. I’d be perfect for her. Everything she deserved.

After everything Aaliyah and I had been through, we were here. Together but not.

I climbed higher and higher until I found myself right beside her, enveloped in clouds. I snuggled myself in closely to her body, mumbling into her ear.

"You know I love you right?” I asked, as she moved, fighting the impending nap that would follow soon.

I really did. I could deny and run and be with whoever but Aaliyah would always be the one I wanted.

I felt the bed rising, floating in the room and I smiled as the bed slowly shifted into the clouds we were surrounded by. The scenery had completely changed and I was at peace.

All because of her.

“You hear me, Ali?” I closed my eyes and breathed in her skin. “ I love you.”

There was no response. I couldn’t feel her under my arm anymore. I opened my eyes - stark white walls surrounded me and where she once laid there was nothing but cold bedsheets. - “I can ask you something?” I shook myself out of my thoughts, this dream wasn’t new. Different versions of it with the same ending plagued me for more than a few nights the past couple of weeks. “Larry I promise I don’t know w-”

“I think one day Aaliyah gonna get so sick of me, so sick of my shit that she gonna leave me.”

Leslie sighed, her mouth opening and closing without words.

“She gonna leave me alone for good you know? And It gonna kill her to do that because I know she care for me. But …you think she too good for me, Leslie?”

“What?”

“You think Aaliyah too good for me? Like she maybe deserve better than me?”

“Larry -”

“No, seriously. Tell me what you think.” I swallowed my stress.

“Yeah.” my chest sunk with her direct answer. “Yeah I do.”

I nodded, not knowing what to say or what even I expected to come out of her mouth.

“But Larry, I think Aaliyah is too good for everybody.”

I shook my head at her attempt to make her candidness better. “Leslie don-”

“Aaliyah is my best friend. That is my sister.” She paused with emphasis. “I would do anything for her and I know she would do anything for me. I’ve never met anyone who I felt fully deserves her because she’s one of the best people I know. Deserve isn’t the right word for this though.”

She paused, thinking a bit before continuing. “You make Aaliyah happy. Very happy. And I know she does the same for you. I see it when yall are together. You two have something very special and that’s undeniable. Anything that makes her happy is good with me.”

I took a deep breath, still silently pondering what she was saying. “Aaliyah isn’t the most transparent with her feelings but she’s… she’s so soft on the inside. She needs someone who can bring her happiness, make her feel loved and safe. You make her feel good, whether she would admit that or not.”

“She make me feel good too.” I said back quietly.

“I know.” Leslie nodded. “I know she does.”

We sat silently for a minute, both of us pausing mid conversation with the unexpected weight of the moment.

Leslie broke the silence first. “But are you ready?”

“For what?” I asked, knowing the answer.

“For this? All of this?” I didn’t reply.

I couldn’t say. Part of me definitely was, but another part still yelled for the free life I’d been living.

“I don’t want you to think that I’m saying this to sway you. You make her happy Larry, yes.” Leslie took a breath, picking up the phone from its resting place and holding it closer to her face. “You make her happy but if you’re not ready, you’re going to waste her time. That’s not fair to her at all. If you jump into this when you’re not ready, and you fuck around with her feelings, I’ll make sure that you never get the chance again.”

My words failed to find me again and she continued. “You two work together and she would never ruin anything professionally but off the clock, I’d make sure you never got the chance to get this close to her again. Even if that meant me losing Lau.”

“Leslie I’m not gonna hurt her.” I said, my mouth dry. “I never want to hurt her. I just don’t want her to leave me because she sick of wait for me to get my shit together. She too good for hurt like that.”

“But you did hurt her.” She said frankly.

“I know.”

“So then what, Larry?”

“I don’t know…” I sighed. “I really don’t know.”

[sorikkung]

You did an intro to got7 a while ago could you maybe do one for A.C.E.??? They seem like a good group but I'm clueless atm so it would be v helpful!!!

lololol i did an intro to mark from got7 but not got7 as a whole, but yes ofc i will i love my talented bois and i love rambling about them heRE WE G O

an introduction to a.c.e, for dummies (jk ily choice is a great fandom pls join us)

also this is gonna get rlly long so im gonna put it under a cut

A.C.E is a 5-member boygroup under beat interactive!! which is a p small company atm so my boys dont exactly have the high quality living and practice areas and food that they deserve :(( THEYLL GET THERE THO IM SURE OF IT THEYRE LEGENDS

here’s their youtube channel with aaaaall sorts of goodies

i started stanning a.c.e predebut, bc they had a lot of content for a group that hadn’t debuted yet, and it was enough to snatch my attention real quick so you should check that shit out, they did a shitton of AMAZING covers and to get their name out there more, street buskings its a lot but i swear its worth your time theyre so talented!!

also they have matching tracksuits what more could you ask for tbh (as you can see from that vid, they’re literally so fucking extra)

a few of my favs are

this rlly long busking video w girl group songs and just a bit of everything tbh,

THIS amazing remix/cover of kard’s don’t recall by the rap line + this one cute girl,

only THE most iconic playing w fire cover, band version, (I WILL NEVER STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THAT VIDEO HONESTLY I COULD MAKE A POST ON THAT COVER ALONE ISTG) 

their flashlight cover that is enough to make a grown man cry omfuckigngOD it makes me feel things hjskskkh

that ONE TAKE dance cover they did of 3 of taeyangs songs, all focusing on a different member of the dance line

im gonna stop here before i link every damn cover they made

okay so now that thats covered (bad-um-tss) time for…DEBUT

THIs beauty right here is their debut song cactus, which has this really deep meaning to it. bc they came from a small company so they have to work extra hard to even be able to debut let alone be successful and they’re like a cactus bc cacti grow in the desert where there’s very little water but they still manage to stand strong even through the hardest of weather an environment conditions and eventually sprout beautiful flowers,, buuuuuut its also a meme for obvious reasons.

tbh debut era choice culture was just listening to cactus on repeat for days bc it was their only song at the time skjslaas not much has changed tbh LMAO but yes theyre a very edm loving group so their DANCE SKILLS ARE ON POINT SERIOUSLY IVE SEEN FEW GROUPS AS AMAZING AT DANCING AS ACE WOWOW

oh yeah did i mention that their fandom name is choice and that choice are literally the softest fandom my multifandom ass has e v e r been in?? theres literally no cringy or toxic side of the fandom its just so soft and welcoming and pure and everyone is so nice and sweet and friendly and just??? wow i love choice a lot hjkskjsshkhk choice are also SUPER talented too stan talent stan choice

speaking of cringe ace is that group that just like skipped the entire “rlly cringy boygroup debut phase” completely like no weird debut haircuts or outfits or weird lyrics about girls, well actually thats all kinda objective but like they made those outfits work ok and im a cactus isnt that weird of a lyric if you know the deep meaning behind it

aS yOu CaN sEe, cactus era was the era of the tHIGHS and the hot pants. it was literally so iconic it blew up and with great reason too, have you seen those thighs?? AND THEY KNOW IT TOO they even mentioned they chose the hot pants as their style concept and took better care of their legs than their faces. true kings. heres a video of a.c.e talking about the whole hot pants thing and just their legs in general its some quality shit. and heres a video where they decide to show off just how great their thighs are bc they like to kill choices like that, this video is important and iconic bc its where the wowson ship began and also when they declared who the king of thighs were amongst the kings of thighs. definitely a necessary watch for new choice imo. donghun lowkey grinds on the floor at 4:04, you’ve been warned. honestly that video just gets progressively gayer lmao i love it

also for us international choice they made an ENGLISH cover of cactus CAN YOU BELIEVE IT I LOVE THEM SM they didnt have to but they did and oml stan a group who stans you back this hard their english aint that great but theyre trying and i appreciate it so much theyre so amazing look

five months later they dropped their second single, callin’, and b o y was this a stressful comeback, beat had us FOOLEd,, i genuinely thought it was gonna be a flowerboy soft concept yknow with like some sweet lowkey ballad or soft pop song, but nOOooOOOooo, MORE HARDSTYLE EDM not that im complaining callin is a bop but i was TRICKED

LOOK AT THIS SHIT ITS ALL AESTHETIC AND THE CLIP OF THE SONG WAS ALL SOFT I WAS REALLY EXPECTING SMTH SOFT im sorry im still salty that beat tricked me but ITS FINE bc callin is a HELLA BOP like i honestly didnt expect them to top cactus so quickly bc like cactus was hella but they DID and its amazing and heres the link be blessed (warning, these gifs above make it look like a soft vid but there are LOTS of flashing colours and lights and its really intense on the eyes if youre not comfortable with that dont watch, just listen)

they also supplied multiple dance pracs you can find on their channel for callin bc ace feeds us well, although callin had a reaaaally short promotion period bc right after they got thrown onto survival shows for more publicity, but hey, its working!! choice is growing bigger every day and im so proud

donghun, wow and jason all went on yg’s show mixnine, and jun and chan went on the idol rebooting show, the unit. both teams are doing EXTREMELY well on their respective shows!! but ill talk more about that in their individual member profiles bc they havent been put on the same team for anything yet rip

edit: mixnine finished and donghun and jason made the cut for the final group, sehyoon didn’t :(( so dongson will be promoting with the mixnine group for a lil bit!! also chan made it to the unit debut group but jun didnt. im hoping for a sehyjun subunit pls

that was long af but now im gonna dive into the members individually!! so its probs gonna get twice as long sorrynotsorry i warned you

Jun (Park Junhee)

jun is the so-called fiery leader of ace (also lead dancer and lead vocal) but is honestly just a giant dork and a sweetheart. hes the type of guy who you scream at for being dumb and call him an idiot but thats your weird way of expressing your undying love for him?? ask literally any jun stan, they’ll say they hate him. hate him for being so PERFECT like a fucking DISNEY PRINCE he’s the designated prince of the group you know theres always that one member and hes just so LOVEABLE and stupid and skjdakhkjs he fuckign dropped his cake on his birthday when do your faves ever. dad of the group, probably lost the maknaes in the shopping mall about 3 times already. talks a lot, hates aegyo, his members might be planning on sacrificing him to satan? he does on idol class with chan every…i think its wednesday and fans vote who gets punishments n stuff and jun loses every damn time i think hes losing his faith in choice lmao. #saveleaderjun

he’s kinda married to donghun, they’re the parents of ace but donghun might try murder him in his sleep idk man, but now hes on the unit with chan and theyre all cute and you can literally ship everyone with everyone in this group

he has HELLA charisma on stage tho oh my gOd also he has one of the most unique singing voices ive ever heard so its really easy to single out, his face also is the first i learned to tell apart?? he has rlly high cheekbones and a wide but thin smile.

this is actually an ot5 video not just jun but jun’s reaction was by far the most iconic so i have to put it in his section, get you a fave who can FLY lmaooo

it would be CRIMINAL if i didnt solo out jun’s ringa linga cover, thE MOST ICONIC JUN COVER EVER HJFKDSJKFDSJK if i ever stop talking about this assume im dead bc IVE NEVER GOTTEN OVER IT jun in a leather jacket looking all rude and staring at the camera like that im WEAK, SO WEAK, AAAAAAAAHHHH

[ahem] MOVING ON

Donghun (Lee Donghun)

donghun, sometimes romanised as donghoon and often referred to by choice as hun or hoon, is the oldest member of the group and another total sweetheart, honestly ace is just a group of sweethearts, he cares for his members so damn much and is super soft?? but ALSO A s Av Age he’s on mixnine with sehyoon and jason and he SHOT DOWN YG, once again I C O N I C, yg was at a loss for words, heres more receipts of him being savage, i love my sassy boyfriend. BUT HES ALSO A SWEET NOODLE HJKSHJKS oH and did you know that before he joined a.c.e he had no experience in dancing whatsoever and in a year and a half, he caught up with the other four members that have been dancing since they were kids?? I STAN TALENT YALL you’d literally never be able to guess that bc all of them are like on an equal dance level its insane

also he used to have braces during cactus era and it was the softest shit

[cOUGHS] so like did someone say disrespect,,, bc he can do that too,,,,, aAAAAAAAH the duality of this man istg

he’s the main vocalist and has vO C AL S OF AN A N GEL, he has so much soul and emotion in his voice, and has adlibs for days oh my god, he also has the MOST BEAUTIFUL FALSETTO i’ve ever heard, fight me, actually come at me. his voice works REALLY well with chan so they pair him up with him for quite a handful of covers like the all of me one i linked (one of my favs omfg it makes me emo) cause like, his soulful voice plus chan’s higher, sweet voice just sounds so great together i love our main vocals wow.

sPEAKING OF WOW,

Wow (Kim Sehyoon)

his stage name is wow, but its hard to take seriously so the fandom just calls him sehyoon lmfao. it used to be seyoon but when he went on mixnine, he revealed sehyoon was the official romanization so here we are lmao. even if your bias isn’t sehyoon…it’s sehyoon. he’s just that guy ya feel me?? anyways sehyoon is a relatively quiet and reserved guy, but his members really pull out the dork in him, i love it so much?? he doesn’t talk much but when he does all of a.c.e directs their full attention to him to listen, its really sweet, hes pretty awkward with people but you can tell he just feels so safe and comfortable with ace it honestly warms my heart. he’s the main rapper and main dancer, but!! our multitalented man is also a vocalist. yes, you heard, me, the main rapper can sing, and really well at that. (if you scroll up back to the flashlight and dont recall covers, you can see more of his voice.)

gets the least lines, but not by much. although hearing his singing voice in their actual songs has happened like with 2 lines?? so idk man im just waiting for their ballad song that theyre apparently doing for their third song, god im so ready. i love his voice a lot, damn.

he’s also like reeeeeeeeeally gay for jason…the entire fandom ships it and they even ship it themselves. wowson, the otp of ace, they honestly just cant keep their hands off eachother??? i know a friend who struggled to tell apart jun and jason so she just looked at who sehyoon was standing next to and instantly knew it was jason. THEYRE SO CLINGY. i love my squishy boyfriends. 

OHHH BOY…i really could’ve used an even more disrespectful gif than this but that would ruin the surprise of watching it in the actual video!! as you can see, sehyoon is the K I N G of disrespect on stage, that shy lil fluffle bean you see offstage?? GONE. DISAPPEARED. VANISHED. this is why his stage name is wow, sehyoon disappears and you just go wow. choice has dubbed him king of bodyrolls with great reason, he makes every concept into a sexy concept, he just has that intimidatingly sexy aura to him, its incredible. 

now…are you ready….i bet youre not…who am i kidding NOBODY was ready for this shit. on mixnine, sehyoon was picked as leader for one of their stages (i think he was leader for ringa linga too??) and got to choreograph the routine. if you think its already rude 10 seconds in, its all over for you bitches when the lighting goes yellow. i feel the need to repeat, our boy CHOREOGRAPHED THIS. IT WAS ALL HIS IDEA. EVERY. SINGLE. PART. this is the same kid who everyone on the show knew as the shy, quiet, handsome boy. but then. 

but then he did this.

Jason (Kim Byeongkwan)

jason is his stage name that he chose for himself but his real name is byeongkwan, its another case of an idol having a stage name and nobody calling them by it?? i mean most new choice call him jason and i personally switch between the two but most choice seem to call him byeongkwan or bk if theyre extra lazy lmao. memers call him byonk sometimes.

jason is the weird child of the group and we all love him…he’s the second lil ball of sunshine and part ½ of the maknae line. he’s often found clinging to sehyoon or literally any of the members bc he’s an affectionate son who loves cuddles okay?? p r o t e c t   h i m.

he’s also the lead everything. yeah thats really not fair but jason is op ok?? singing, rapping, dancing, visual, like sehyoon he’s the full package, i can hardly call them the rap line they’re just the op line t b h. triple threats.

on their official twt jason likes to confirm wowson a lot, its p great lololol he’s the biggest wowson shipper of all time. want more wowson? i gotchu, here’s one of my absolute fav moments. (ft. junchan/chun)

he has some HELLA CHARISMA on stage like boy can u pls chill. they also love doing his eye makeup with that red makeup and it looks rlly good bc bk has such pretty eagle eyes and its his Look™ and that along with his onstage persona is a DEADLY COMBINATION HDSJKSKSLKJS 

i’m just gonna keep this short; even if your bias isnt byeongkwan, your bias is byeongkwan. he has that affect on everybody. number one bias wrecker out of the fandom t b h apart from sehyoon (he cant be my bias wrecker if he is my bias so im safe :^J)

Chan (Kang Yuchan)

INTRODUCING OUR CHANSHINE, MAIN VOCAL OF ACE, CUTIE MAKNAE CHAN!!!! he always introduces himself as a.c.e’s main vocal cutie maknae chan, its his iconic line and it suits him so well like LOOK AT HIM ISNT HE JUST A FUCKING RAY OF SUNSHINE WHAT A PURE CHILD I MUST PROTECC he’s literally the happy virus y’all AND ACE KNOWS IT TOO heres this one time where donghun even said that looking at chan cheers him up. certified sunshines only, everyone. also watch that whole video its long but its worth your time.

anyways our boy is a main vocal and as mentioned in donghun’s part they harmonize!!! so!! well!! i mean tbh all of ace can harmonize with eachother its the most beautfiul thing but these two are main vocal for a reason okay. if you didn’t already watch it in donghun’s part listen to THIS and have your ears be blessed i cry everytime oh my god skdfhd ALSO THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT ITS LIKE ONE OF MY FAVOURITE VIDEOS ON THE INTERNET i want to cry i lvoe chans voice so much i love chan i love kang yuchan og hmylhdg sodf i was gonna say i swear im sehyoon biased but im not istg ace is bias wrecking me 24/7 its been the hardest group to pick a bias in ever im not kidding i cant even

also known as kang RUDE, chan was all innocent sunshine and daisies until out of the blue he decided to give the disrespect king sehyoon a run for his fucking money. NOBODY FUCKING SAW IT COMING WE ALL THOUGHT HE WAS SO PURE AND THEN HE SUDDENLY STARTED FLASHING HIS ABS EVERYWHERE AND GRINDING ON THE FLOOR AND DOING THAT AND WE JUST CANT HANDLE IT i dont know a kang yuchan please save me oh my lord

okay this already has an ungodly amount of links and honestly i could go on, but this should be a good enough kickstart for you!!

stan talent stan a.c.e everyone. welcome to the choice family. its literally the softest and sweetest fandom out there. we welcome you with open arms and lots of cacti!!!

[vivitalks]

Maple Trees and Libraries

idk if yall remember but awhile back my friend jeannie and I did a prompt exchange where we would each give each other a prompt and a pairing and then we'd write the fic. well anyhow i'm doing another one with my tumblr amigo @lost-in-the-in-between​ who's super cool and is the reason this fic has come to exist! cheers to you Ash. anyhow i dont know how college works so please forgive me, and also this is mediocre at best but WHATEVER leave me alone just read it

college au because i’m a slut for those

prompt: “Hold my hand so he gets jealous.”

pairing: zoe murphy/evan hansen

“Hi, Evan, right?”

Evan jerks his head up from his book about various different tree species, and swirly shapes bloom in front of his eyes, which he blinks away. “Um — yes? Evan. I mean yes, that’s me.”

And you’re Zoe Murphy, only the girl I’ve been in love with since we both started here two years ago.

Zoe smiles at him, but it’s oddly strained. “Look, I know we’ve literally never talked, but you’re the only person in the library right now and I need a weird favor.”

Actually, they have talked. Twice. One: when Zoe asked what she missed after she missed an econ lesson. Evan gave her his notes with a few incoherent jumbled phrases mixed in and then avoided her eyes. He didn’t get any notes for that class.  Two: when Zoe spotted Evan lingering — or maybe loitering — outside the band room during practice and asked him what he was doing there, and didn’t he have class? And Evan said yes he had class but the thing was was that his class was really boring and anyway he knew enough about environmental science to miss one class and also he totally didn’t realize she was in band, how cool! Even though that was a total lie and Evan knew Zoe was majoring in music theory because he came by the band room all the time to watch them practice just so he could see Zoe do that half-smile. And Zoe said okay and did the half-smile at him and went back into the band room.

But obviously Zoe doesn’t remember either of those, which makes sense because that was all last year and Zoe is different this year, so why should she remember a guy like Evan. Except now she’s asking him a favor and oops, he’s taken too long to respond, again.

Evan blinks. “O-okay?”

"Great. Listen, see that guy?" Zoe's eyes flit to, yes, the only other person in the library. Evan doesn't know him. Evan doesn't know most people, though, so no surprise. "That's my ex." Oof. He's way hotter than me. At least you have standards, Zoe. "He's an asshole and he's going to come over here as soon as he sees me and start hitting on me, which he's been doing since we broke up two months ago. I need you to hold my hand so he gets jealous and leaves me alone. Okay?"

She says this all like it's the game plan, and Evan is all prepared to agree to it until he thinks about the actual words she's saying to him. "Wait – won't that just make him want to, like, kill me? 'Cause I'm not really – I'm actually having a good day and I would really hate for it to be spoiled by, you know, being snapped in half by some Neanderthal who's jealous. Besides he probably won't even be jealous, I mean, look at him, he's way better-looking than me, and also he could break me in his palm, so I really don't think –"

"Evan!" Zoe hisses, as if they're best friends and didn't just speak for the first time ever (in recent memory) right now. Evan chokes on whatever other arguments he was going to present – which is probably for the best, because the last thing he needs is to dig himself into some unending hole of chatter and shame. "Come on, man, I need some help here."

"Okay, fine, okay," he concedes. "I – well – okay."

"Awesome." Zoe drags her chair around the circular table until she's right next to Evan and links her fingers with his very casually, like it's something they do every day, and at a very inopportune moment Evan remembers that you can feel someone's pulse in their wrist, and she can probably feel his heart racing a thousand miles per hour. He has the stupidest urge to yank his hand away and also he really needs to wipe his palms on his jeans because they're probably insanely sweaty because when he's nervous his palms get sweaty and that's just unpleasant for everyone, plus Zoe wouldn't tell him if his palms were sweaty and gross because who says that? But he knows she'd be thinking it and then never speak to him again so –

Their hands are on the table for anyone to see even though Asshole Ex is the only person here, and Evan hopes he comes and goes too fast to even find out what Evan's name is, because the last thing he wants is to be on someone's hit list that looks like he got a dose of Captain America's super-soldier serum. As if on cue, or maybe because he heard Zoe's chair dragging across the carpet, he turns, spots Zoe, and starts towards the two of them. Evan's heart is definitely considering leaping out of his chest and committing suicide, from the way it's hammering his ribcage.

"He's gonna kill me, you know that, right?" he whispers, and Zoe grins loftily.

"Pft," she says dismissively. And then Asshole Ex is standing – towering, looming over them – and Evan can't really say anything else.

"Hey," Asshole Ex says, and boy, Evan wishes he'd just say his name so Evan could stop calling him Asshole Ex, which, okay, it's crude, really, accuracy levels aside. He leans over the table and Evan feels innately like he’s being preyed on by some predator, aside from the fact that he’s being ignored entirely, which is what he’s used to. "What's new, Zoe?"

"What's new is my boyfriend Evan," Zoe answers, her tone clipped, very juxtaposed to the relaxed, laid-back tone she'd used with Evan. Evan jumps at the word boyfriend and shrinks under Asshole Ex's analytical once-over.

Evan swallows. "Yeah, boyfriend. I'm her boyfriend, me, Evan," whose name you now know and can weaponize to bend me to your will, that's great. "What – what's your name again, did you say? You didn't – you never said your name."

Asshole Ex raises an eyebrow in the most threatening glare ever. "Ryan," he says, or maybe sneers is a better word. "Zoe’s never mentioned me?”

“Why would I? If you don’t recall, I hate your fucking guts,” Zoe comments, the way someone would say we have math homework due tomorrow or I really like apple pie.

Ryan scoffs, but his eyes stay focused on Evan, who’s starting to feel pretty uncomfortable, to be honest. “You're Zoe's new arm candy?"

"Well, I don't know about arm candy," Evan begins.

"You're right. You're way too mousy to be anyone's arm candy. Much less someone like Zoe," Ryan says, every word like venom. Evan really fights the urge to sharply answer with, trust me, buddy, I know it.

"Watch what you say to my boyfriend, you motherfucker," Zoe snaps, a cutting edge to her voice that Evan would not like to be on the receiving end of, ever. "Leave us alone. We're very busy doing research."

"About trees," Evan puts in. He hears Zoe repress a laugh.

"About trees," she agrees. "Especially –" she grabs his book and flips through it, "maple trees. They're much more interesting than your clingy ass. So if you would be so kind." With her free hand, Zoe gestures to the exit of the library, and Ryan's stare would definitely make maple trees wilt. Evan's surprised he hasn't been literally laser-eyed to death yet. He's also pretty freaking amazed at how Zoe's more or less keeping her cool.

"Maple trees?" Ryan mimics. "Yeah, fascinating. Just like your rabbity new boyfriend. Enjoy your time while you have it," he snarls in Evan's general direction. And then, in a scarily low tone to Zoe, "You'll realize what you're missing soon enough, babe."

He brushes the book about trees off the table and it hits the carpet with a muffled thud. Then, with a final look of distaste, he's gone.

Evan feels his chest unclench. "That was – frightening. Can we report him for, like, sexual harassment? Or general harassment?"

Zoe releases her hand from his, and instantly Evan misses the warmth it sent through his whole body. "Sorry to drag you into that."

"No, it's okay, it's – its okay," Evan says quickly. "I mean it was frightening in like a good way, like oh, so scary, but more like a rush, you know? Like kind of a roller coaster? I thought you handled that really well, he was a total – well, a total asshole, like you said." WHAT AM I SAYING.

Zoe giggles and turns to look at him. "You held your own. Were you actually reading about maple trees?"

Evan blushes and ducks his head. "Um, well, oak trees, actually. They can get really tall. Like forty feet, maybe more. I tried to climb a forty-foot tall oak tree once. Um, it didn't go well. I actually fell from it," he's gesturing with his hands now, painting the oak tree in the air and watching himself let go, "and broke my arm, which really sucked a lot. Actually, why am I telling you this? I'm sorry, you must have a million things to do. I'll stop talking now." He wishes he could get his book and bury his nose in it. Unfortunately, it's on the floor on Zoe's side, and how awkward would it be to reach over her? Or to get up and get it? So he just looks at his hands instead as they fall to the tabletop.

The book slides across the surface like magic, except the magic is actually Zoe's hands. And then, as Evan opens his mouth to say thank you through his scarlet blush, she says, "Hey, this is a little strange, but do you want to go out sometime? For real?"

Evan's vital organs all pretty much cease to function for a couple of seconds.

"Out?" he repeats uncertainly. "Out like how? Like, outside? Or like on a date? That's weird, sorry, why would you go on a date with me," he laughs a hollow kind of laugh, "but if you – I mean, I can go out with you like a friend --"

"On a date," Zoe clarifies. "With me. Tomorrow night."

Evan blinks, gapes, and then realizes he's imitating a fish out of water and stops. "Oh," he says. He pauses, just to make sure he didn't invent that whole interaction, and then says, "Oh," again. And then he clears his throat. "Uh, yes, that – I would really like that, yes. That sounds great."

"I'll meet you here," Zoe says, pushing her chair back and standing. "At seven. We can decide where to go from there."

Evan's mouth is dry with anticipation, but he manages, "Perfect."

"Can't wait," Zoe says, smiling at him warmly.

She turns and walks away, vanishing into another section of the library, and Evan's vision swims with the unreality of that whole conversation.

He opens up his book, closes it and shelves it.

At the checkout counter, the lady says, "Taking anything out?"

Evan sighs contentedly, and says, "Just a girl."

[zepdeans]

there’s not a lot I can say about s3 that hasn’t already been said (and articulated 200x better) but! here are some of my (albeit dumb) thoughts :~)

ep1 -isak leaning against the bathroom wall gets me EVERY time its such a powerful scene esp introducing you to s3 and tarjei..... spare some talent for the rest of us please -LiTeN gUtTeN fRa StRaNgEr tHiNgS -isak rly ties his pants w a shoelace...... -isak noticing even for the first time bc of his laugh.. whew.... also. i love this intro SOOO much bc its so non-monumental? theres no dramatic music or whatever but its not subtle.... like you know right away o shit love interest!! hello sir!! bc isak’s expression watching him :’) i could go on -isak is a bad liar HOWEVER this only applies to stupid nontrivial things e.g. the black sweatshirt. but when you look at him lying about like, his sexuality, he hides that shit well -”c00l” isak. i hate u so much -honestly all u have to do is look at even for .2 seconds and u can tell this boy has had a crush for a solid month bc he just looks awestruck (HOWEVER henrik’s acting is *chef’s kiss* bc its subtle enough to go undetected b4 you actually know eVEN SAW HIM ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL) -even isak and emma all sitting on the bench together is funny enough on its on but then a song called threeway comes on and like. julie sdshjsfdjfkjskd ep2 -there’s something so endearing about even’s handwriting idek what -i LOVE even’s video w mikael it reveals so much about him to us- how weird (ok we saw how weird he was w the paper towel thing but) and dorky he is? and his love of film! his view on love stories and how he sees the world :( but it also shows a lot abt isak because he saw even making stupid jokes about vladimir putin and was like yeah we about to fall in LOVE love -isak not using headphones to watch even’s video or r+j?? bde or general incompetence what’s the verdict guys -the isak watching r+j scene hits so hard like yall ever think about isak lying in bed at 3am staring at the ceiling probably thinking about how he’s never gonna get a beautiful world-shattering romance like that like ..... also him changing positions skam get out of my life go away ur too realistic -not to make this even more self-projection-y but isak simultaneously being the least emotionally vulnerable person ever but crying during r+j > -i made a post abt this already but even’s INTENSE staring vs isak’s “i have never looked anyone in the eye in my life” gets me it says so much about their characters -even said i see your bde move (asking me to buy you beer) and i raise u with my own (inviting you to my house after faking not having my id) -”if you listen to music” even is such a dick fsdjhsdff -when the message comes on...... i rlly do owe julie my life huh -”have you heard about my rapping?” “I have actually” have we talked about this enough????? 1. isak finally feels comfortable enough w even to flirt and his first move is to RAP for him jesus christ. keep in mind this is the same man who pulled that smooth af ibuprofen line w emma like...... 2. even has heard about isak’s rapping. either this means im-not-on-social-media even went out of his way to go thru homeboy’s instagram OR isak’s rapping is actually talked about. i- -the group chat messages. cant believe i forgot about the 2016 clown epidemic

ep3  -mahdi is a good friend and i love him. thank u -even wearing isak’s cap until he chucks it at him sjksfjsdjsd -how much yall wanna bet isak’s been listening to illmatic on repeat since last friday thinking abt even (even tho meeting sonja shattered his heart a lil) [also kinda an aside but i think a lot about how isak n even bonded over rap and how some homophobic lyrics in 90s etc rap might have impacted them? or how that little detail ties into julie’s story? e.g. halftime by nas, which is on illmatic] -whats worse. even staring into isaks soul wearing a size xs see-through white t shirt or isak staring at even for five (5) seconds before chugging his beer and immediately making out w emma. OR even crashing that party before it can start “i think you guys are bonding too much” cheesy ass shjhfsdhskdf -yall act like evak didnt invent hands. did even shaking isak’s shoulder telling him his apartment is nice mean nothing to u -im convinced robyn wrote call your girlfriend for this scene specifically bc how could anything fit so perfectly by coincidence -is anything better than egging isak on- even bech naesheim (2016) -idk if yall have read the scripts but i love the sock thing so much bc its soo true to how isak thinks and it makes everything so much more interesting and !!!

ep4  -i will never get over even sending isak bad seinfeld memes -even smacking open isak’s locker. first of all whew second of all u think as soon as he got into the stairwell he lowkey cried bc ow -parallel of isak saying “it’s 2016, why are you religious?” to sana vs. emma’s “it’s 2016, get out of the closet” to isak anyone :( -”takk sanasol!!!!” thank u isak for my life -I wanted to be with you aloneeeee -even’s face when he sees the pool like we get it youre a director -how many times do i need to say even is such a dick sjkfsd “does it look like i care about my hair?” “usually but not right now” like this would only work on isak i love soulmates!! -even just.. fully choking isak out ssdhgfd got em -when the first notes of im kissing you start ooh boy -even going in for the kill kiss and isak going from huh to oooo shit and pushing his lips out at the last minute. phenomenal 

ep5 -ngl as soon as im not in love comes on my heart goes uwu bc like!!!! that song the meaNING.... them......... i jus love this scene sm like theyre in their own little bubble and they both feel so comfortable and at peace :((  -even leaving isak comics about an inside joke of theirs like yall mind if i scream -isak feeling left out from the conversation and his friends whew i felt that... and having them talk about how gross it is to makeout with a girl w facial hair?? blease :( -taking stock of isak’s nicknames: issy k, isabell, izzy, baby jesus, -im not even gonna bother trying to articulate thoughts on Pause bc it’s a literal masterpiece. thank u tarjei henrik and julie for inventing television with this one  -MAGNUS SDFKJSDFJKDSHK "oooh my name is Jonas and I love idealism and reading klassekampen and I don’t like plastic and I skate on a skateboard made of sustainable wood and wear old clothes because new clothes are bad for the environment and I only drink recycled water” screAMMM -what i said abt pause also applies to pride ugh its such a powerful scene and!! the beginning of kicks to isaks stomach. honestly what i fucking love about this episode is how it goes from hell yea best day w even ever to crying in the street within one week (s3 had the best balance of angst and payoff thanks) -even’s Soft Party Flannel... forever tainted by this scene rip -not knowing why even kissed sonja keeps me up at night -speaking of. how used and stupid isak must’ve felt when he saw even completely unbothered, hooking up w his ex at this party?? whew :( -bros is one of my all time favourite clips solely bc of the music?? lift me up gives me chills and when hold my liquor starts i LOSE it -ep5 and 6 remind me of that quote “to see what your characters are really made of you have to break them” because julie rlly goes all in and god it hurts so good

ep6 -never have i ever seen insomnia portrayed as accurately as tarjei did here and i remember when i first watched the cantina scene i was like. winded bc its SO true to sleep deprivation whew -i really like that isak wasnt together with even when he reached out for help and came out to jonas. bc it was him, on his own, being strong enough to talk to his friends and then eventually he was confident and secure enough in himself to be in a good place when even started reaching back out!! -i have no idea what its like to come out to someone, to be afraid of your friends rejecting you, everything isak went through. but tarjei’s acting of when, like, you have something you KNOW you have to tell someone, and youve put yourself in the position where youre going to have to tell them, but youre terrified and eventually just force yourself SAY the words??  -and isak’s smile when he realizes jonas is gonna be his bro no matter what :’)))

ep7 -weirdly one of my favourite isak looks (black t-shirt grey snapback c-c-c-combo) -”what’s your name again?” have i mentioned i love sana and isak bc i love sana and isak -jonas truly is the best friend oh man. perceptive, thoughtful, loving, laidback, a friggen BRO. tbh i was wary of him in s1 and thought he didn’t treat eva well (tho I recognized he loved her a lot, he was just bad at being a boyfriend) but jonas in s3?? just goes to show how powerful your perspective of someone can change viewing them in a different role!! because while jonas was a crappy bf, he literally is SUCH an incredible friend and his actions and words and just! him! in s3 completely redeemed any illwill I had towards him :’) -maybe im a little gay (up there with other s3 comedy classics such as “thats a boys name”) -mahdi season WHEN ugh a legend -’when someone asks isak if hes going to a family party’ literally what other reason for living do i have if not to read the boy squad text convos -isaks locker finally opening and his smile at evens drawing whewwwwwww!! also even rlly is that guy who wont text you back but will leave hand written love letters in ur locker -also. another stellar look from valtersen -slutt a meld meg is a whole masterpiece like what other piece of media has the RANGE -eskild: play hard to get. jonas: no smiley!!! isak: nah fam im good B)

ep8 -this episode is BEAUTIFUL bc you feel practically euphoric?? like hell yeah theyre finally together!! isak is out and accepted and even is done with sonja! but theres also this unsettling undercurrent of worry bc you know deep down something isnt right? why is sonja calling isak? why is even acting kinda strange? whats going on? yknow?? -literally never going to get over 5 fine frokner :~) even is such a goddamn nerd and he’s the man of isak’s dreams can u believe!!  -sana’s little speech is SO important in so many ways ooo i love her so much -also have we discussed eskild making evak do a photoshoot for him. highkey those are my favourite pictures of ALL time u can tell even was like hm strange but im down while isak was more omg guys stop🙄 omg haha eskild i cant believe youre making me cuddle with even for a photo🙄 i cant believe ur making me snuggle this dude for a pic!!!! definitely would not have done this otherwise!!! -magnus only realizing it’s THAT even after seeing how isak looks at him. whew -isak is so brave i rlly love that kid! his text to his mamma <3 -no r*make will EVER nail text conversations like mari/julie did w evak’s this week thanks for coming to my ted talk. i'd quote the best ones but it would literally double the length of this post (ok ill cave. “hahaha shut up❤️” GETS me) -you dont know whats in store but you know what youre here for. hallo -isak running around oslo with even’s clothes looking for him :( his heart is so big he cares about even so so much -when Part II (on the run) comes on in the credits its like a kick in the teeth honestly

ep9 -ive already screamed enough about cherry wine but god it fucks me up -cannot put into words how much I love eskild and how good of a person he is, he just has so much love in his heart  -”wait they have waffles here? see ya” -this convo is why i love skam so much!!!! magnus giving insight and good thoughtful advice to isak was such a brilliant move by julie (also truLy heartwarming) bc like. magnus is a flawed layered character! he’s dumb and ignorant and not very careful with his words BUT hes also such a sweet guy. i genuinely dont think he would hurt a fly and him talking about vilde (in ep10) is ;-; bc he really likes her and respects her and wants to be a gentleman! hes so loving and just. yeah. also i wonder if isak and magnus (and vilde) ever talked about having mentally ill parents and lent on each other for support bc like....<3 [sidenote- this is why i HATE b***** like they absolutely massacred magnus’s character and magnus did not deserve that!] -det er bare slutt........ very cool of tarjei to invent acting here. also the character development makes me WEEP like at first isak lied and told his pappa it was over bc its easier to brush stuff off and say you were joking than be vulnerable especially about 1. having a boyfriend and 2. saying youve already broken up?? but then isak was like hey im done with lying about who i am bc i want my life to be REAL and he told his dad the truth even if it was hard and even if he was trying rlly hard not to cry  -isak reaching out to even<3 standing up for even<3 -o helga natt. another scene i genuinely cannot comment on bc u cant really put into any written language how magical and breathtaking and heartbreaking and powerful and brilliant this scene is. so. -jk. obvs i cant say anything intelligent enough to give this scene justice but probably the most stunning piece of television i have ever had the privilege of watching. even’s text breaks my heart every gd time (esp since we never really see this side of him before finding out he’s bipolar? his guilt, insecurity, feeling like a burden, being scared of losing everyone in his life because he thinks he’ll hurt them). the music is SO beautiful i cry real tears as soon as the strings start. also the brilliance of JUST o helga natt playing and no dialogue except for isaks one line? isak’s realization when he sees the cross. him RUNNING across oslo to go to even. the FLASHBACKS all going backwards in chronological order until them smoking on the bench. isak looking at the bench and not seeing even and u can feel his heart breaking and urs breaks too! but then he remembers the bathroom and he turns and theres even and whewwww. du er ikke alene<3

ep10 -minutt for minutt is THE most healing clip im telling u. and like.. seeing even depressed really is hard and as someone who was very very depressed for 4-ish yrs of their life it rlly hits me? like when youre in an especially bad funk and you cant get out of bed and youre just numb and exhausted and feel so shitty and u want to be alone but you really dont???? could go on but literally i owe henrik holm my life for his portrayal of even  -not to be a soft bitch on main but when isak tucks the blanket over even and it keeps getting pulled off his back so isak just. covers that spot with himself? -i do love that call between sonja and isak bc once again! a flawed (realistic) human being -and isak thinking its his fault even is depressed? it means a lot that sonja told him its no ones fault, even is just bipolar. and i wonder if isak felt that way about his mamma as well, guilty for her being ill, and if what sonja said made him feel better about that situation too :( -lowkey random but when isak is rambling really fast and he goes “maybe we’ll get bombed tomorrow and talking about all this is a waste of time” it continually punches me in the throat bc that is /exactly/ how i ramble and think like tarjei........ pls -like eskild said. there really is so much love in isak’s little grumpy teenage body<3 -isak no longer just passively accepting life as its given to him, now he fights for him and even!!!!!  -isak is such a forgiving person and seeing him able to just accept things and move on? incredible -i remember when i first watched ep1 i was like oooo even and isak are gonna be kosegruppa partners and thats when theyll first get together, cooking food or smth!! but lmfao after episode 3? kosegruppa whomst???? also hilarious vilde thought isak of all people would willingly sign up for kosegruppa just to go to revue parties -even and linn friendship!!!! -cannot articulate how mf heartwarming it is to see even smiling and being more himself after being depressed (also thank u julie for having ups and downs coming out of his depression- its so true to life having one day when youre feeling awesome and then the next you feel awful again for no reason and its SO frustrating) -I had to stop watching passe pa meg cause it made me toooooo crazy! it would just be like: “I like seeing you laugh” and I was like: *SCREAMS* -im the fucking master of lying 😤 -literally don’t know why isak and even ragging on kosegruppa is so funny but “did you think I joined to have fun” gets me every time -I SAW YOU THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL -also even literally radiating love @ isak watching get snarky w vilde on the phone bc it reminded him of the first time he saw him! even rly is that boyfriend who thinks isak being pissy is the Best Thing he has Ever seen -halla boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiz -literally the glo up of isak telling his friends the order in which he’d bang them -No filter! wow I love symbolism -so nice to see the girls together for a lil bit :) -the boys hyping up mags while also telling him to be respectful awwwwww -take desperate to a whole new level- Confucius  -who’s going to show isak how to properly hold a beer can -literally evak banter gets me thru the day. thank u tarjei and henrik for having phenomenal chemistry + improvisation skills + making isak and even the dumbest nerdiest boys i have ever seen -biology partner. and friend. ;-; -even literally is the biggest stoner blease -isak’s talk with eva is just sooooo<3 and not to be emo on main but every single word of the last few sentences he says hit me so gd hard because i feel the exact same way in my BONES -livet er nå 💛

final thoughts :( <3 -this season is so special. it feels like one really long oscar-worthy movie or smth?? i cant even exblain, its just magical. ALSO very dear to my heart. -julie really said you guys have seen isak sad and alone and repressed for the past two seasons so heres him falling in love with the best person in the world and coming to terms with who he is and being brave and opening up and finally being happy and living a real life -this season definitely feels different from s1/2/4 to me editing or production or music smth wise? as in, its got a lot fewer aesthetic shots and the cinematography seems a bit different if that makes any sense???? I also think this is the season most focused just on the main (i.e. not many- if any? sideplots going on) -literally will never get over the thought, love, and detail put into this season. when i say there is literally nothing i would change about it, i mean it and coming from my nitpicky ass??? means a lot lmfao. the acting, directing, music choices, symbolism...... sublime -s3′s cold rainy autumn aesthetic makes me ACHE for fall and also nostalgic for a highschool experience I never had lmao?? also. all the nighttime clips >>> -don’t know what else to say except thank u skam for my life