#yaayy almost a week of dailies!!

[daily-sue-miley]

day 7: miley I drew on the back of my science homework!

[sommer-rain]

I shall call it noon-of-doom..or Sneeze-of doom

So today it was an all decent day for me until half twelve in the forenoon.

I was a bit late ‘cause i was lingering longer than i thought i would in bed, but not that stressful- and awful late. Right i first stayed up because of a stupid thing i thought i had to check out before i went to bed and search for it, and then when i found it i only realized that it had been a waste of time for no use. And then while closing my computer windows i got reminded about a fanfic i stamble upon earlier that evening and would only bookmark it and look how short it really was before i closed the last window but of course..i ended up reading the whole dang fic =_=. Like, i knew it was short, and it was short for being a fanfic but i still thought it would be about half shorter than it turned out to be. :/   -I was tired the first hour at work, and so i said i was when some of my colleagues asked how i am today - which they don’t do often. Probably asked me because i think they could see i was a bit more tired than usual, i don’t blame them, and if not they might have thought something was bothering me. I hadn’t anything against them asking, i think it was quite nice actually.   -And then: i had just finished mopping the staircase on A-side (the part of the building that is on the same side as the lobby that stretches on the left side of you when you get up on third and second floor).  I was on the bottom-floor still t the staircase when i get a big bad sneeze, not the worst but one of the worse one’s still. And i just felt the second i had sneezed how much all the pollen directly took on my immune system - think it as if you get a bad very draining cold in like seconds all at once from no-where enough to just make you quite the job for the day and not manage to do anything else for the day. Yeah, that’s about as fun it is. @_@. And i’m not talking about all the itching and irritating reaction pollen usually have on you as an allergic. 

I would only put away my cleaning equipment i had and blow my nose before i would begin to vacuum. When i well was in the changing room i just had to sit down just to rest for a minute or two that is where it went actually crappy.   I had apointment at my homeopath yesterday (thursday) in the forenoon so that could have been an after-effect being triggered by all the exposure of pollen when i cleaned at work.  -Anyway, every morning this spring i’ve been sure that i will feel how much all the pollen has taken on my immune-system from the second i wake up and it hasn’t, except once earlier this spring on a wednesday so i luckily never had to go to work that day anyway, thankfully.  -That wasn’t the worst part at all. i could deal with that, but when i sat down on that bench and felt how i felt of that damn sneeze..There were something more. Something was just so fucked up. I was about to get an anxiety disorder, and was caused by muscle-memory..yaayy for muscle-memory traumas..that was triggered by that fact that my body’s reaction to the sneeze also triggered on the same time my anxiety disorder i had two tuesdays ago. What a fucking reaction, huh!? You know, if you’d had a very bad experience about something, not just physical - emotional too - your body will remember it too, not just your brain. That is what body-memory is like. If the impact is big enough it can cause the body trauma if something similar or alike psysically- or emotional bad experience happens again functioning as a trigger when recognizing a certain returning situation though you may not b e conscious about or remember what is the trigger when it happens.

When i’ve had muscle-memory trauma triggered before it hasn’t been in this way or in this kind of situations.  This time it triggered anxiety disorder - the other times i’ve experienced muscle memory trauma the cause has been completely different (my parents spanked me and my siblings almost on a daily basis my whole childhood and if not that, if i tried to go inbetween my parents when they were arguing really badly with other they WOULD NOT CARE to hit you hard if you got in their way because then they were reduced to two shouting, snarling aggressive uncivilised beings about to rip each others thoats - and you if you ever interfered ((not literally but if they couldn’t, i’m sure they could)). Those times it triggered me into fight-or-flight amd which been like seconds from me hitting and basically flooring my classmates without even knowing what i even been doing it. Fortunately i did snap out of it before i got to hurt someone. It has been close at least two times..

I was in that changing room for an half hour crying and trying not getting into hyperventilating and trembling and what-not. Forced myself to try to work the rest of what had to do, because who the fuck at my work would believed me saying “i have to leave for the rest of the day because the sneezing that got my body’s immune system a bit of an shock triggered in it’s turn anxiety disorder i had from the time two weeks ago, into physical trauma originally caused by emotional trauma”

As alot of my energy was low having this shit took even more and i’ve been feeling really low and exhaused since today.