#wow why is shane tagged in this post??? better not look into it

[trashworldblog]

top 5 beatdown is coming soon, and im so excited!!

[vanillann]

flashback v (spencer reid x f.reader)

warning: swearing, mentions of crime, metaions of verbal and light abuse(nothing major i promise) and slow burn

word count: 1.8k

flashback masterlist

Penelope and I stood outside the steel doors of Star Chambers, both of us looking back at the black van parked a decent distance away.

“Okay, hit the blue button now,” Penelope spoke to the two men inside our ears, literally.

“Okay baby girl, you both stay safe in there.”

I went to open the door, Pen placed her hand over mine. I looked over at her counting out loud. After seeing said 10, she nodded to me to open the large door.

As soon as the doors opened, the light from outside flooded the dark room. Computers sat around the entire room, a small laughing sugar skull on each one.

Pen and I marched in, confidence in our walk. I felt like I was lying because there wasn’t a bit of confidence in me. Shane stood at the end of the room, his face morphing into a proud smirk.

The sound of Beyoncé played in the background, Pen and I stopped in front of Shane.

Suddenly Pen snapped her fingers and the doors behind us close. I forget how good at this shit we used to be.

Everyone in the room sat quickly, watching us from their seats. Suddenly Shane started clapping, his smirk growing as he walked closer to us.

“Wow, you lost weight.”

The first thing that Shane said to us and I was already going to knock his brains out.

“Nice one.”

Shane turned to look at me, his smirk growing larger which I didn’t think was possible.

“Little step-sissy hasn’t changed one bit, typical.”

“You wish I was typical.”

He turned back to Pen, walking closer so he was right in her face.

“Miss me?”

Pen paused, waiting a few seconds before she spoke.

“No.”

I felt my hand fly up to the end of the sweater, trying to remember the feeling of safety.

“Then prove it.”

Shane went to grab Pen chin, she started moving her face closer until she turned her head at the last second.

I didn’t move, but I was definitely doing a happy dance in my head.

She walked closer to a nearby hacker. As soon as she stood in front of him he stood up.

“I’m going to kiss you,” Pen spoke as she put her hands on either side of his face. He only smiled and nodded quickly.

She then gently placed her red lips on his, the sound of a light moan fell from his lips.

I suddenly felt bad for Morgan and Spencer, since they were closer to the action than I was and they weren’t even in the room.

She then forcefully removed her lips from the shorter boy, his face held nothing but bliss.

Shane tapped his foot, looking at the two un jealousy. I looked back at the two to see the hacker boy watching me closely.

“Not look at me, I’m not getting mono.”

I heard a loud cough in my ear but I ignored it, turned back to look at Shane.

Pen stood up straight, getting back into Shane’s face.

“Us three have a lot to talk about.”

Shane looked down at her lips before looking back into her eyes.

“Yes we do.”

I walked up to the two, throwing my arms over their shoulders.

“Then let's get to talking kiddos.”

Shane nodded his head, every hacker in the room left. I sat down in the chair the hacker boy Pen made out with just had. Once every one left Shane pulled up a seat while Open sat in one not far from me.

“Why’d you take the Sam Russell file?”

I didn’t waste any time, wanting nothing more than to be in the back of the van listening to Pen crazy metaphors and Spencer new facts. I wanted to hear Derek making fun of me in a sweater and plaid skirt.

“That stupid profile thing that you do was wrong.”

I felt myself roll my eyes, him looking at me like we used to when we were kids.

Those memories came flooding back quickly. The way we used to throw lamps at each other, brushing off as a basic sibling fight.

The way he used to look at me in my room until I “figured out how to stop being a brat”.

The way he used to playPen for everything that happened, then as soon as she started crying he took out his camera and recorded.

I felt myself pull harder on the yarn at the end of my jacket, my foot tapping on the stone floor.

“Just give us back the file,” I heard Pen yell, but she sounded so far away.

I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, watching Shane quickly stand from the chair. I felt myself pull closer into myself, scared what might happen next.

“I refuse to work with the FBI,” Shane said, walking behind his desk.

“This isn’t about Sam Russell, this is about doing the right thing,” I spoke softly, the old me was taking over again.

“Shut up, the adults are talking,” Shane yelled, gripping onto one of the metal tables.

I wanted to hide, I wanted to run out of this room and into that black van outside.

“This is sure to give me a lot of flashbacks.”

I didn’t even think before the word fell out of my mouth, needing some familiarity to overthrow everything.

I heard shuffling my ear, and suddenly the sound of Spencer clearing his throat brought me back to reality.

“Did you know the only letter that doesn’t appear on the periodic table is J.”

I watched a Pen didn’t make any more or a reaction to Spencer speaking in my ear. I knew he must have shut it off so only I could hear, which made everything feel so much more intimate.

I smiled to myself, Spencer waiting for a sign to stop.

I whisper so quietly I didn’t think Spencer could hear, but once I heard a “anytime” I knew he understood.

“I took the file because your little friends missed almost everything, maybe like the silent partner.”

Shane spoke quickly, pointing his finger in between the both of us.

“We’ve already gone over that theory.”

I knew I was lying, I knew everyone threw that away as fast as it came through the door, but I also knew Shane was a narcissist and if I gave in, I could get somewhere.

“Bullshit sissy,” he gritted his teeth as he walked closer to me. I stood up from my chair, brought to him.

“You didn’t know shit about the inside killer, I know you couldn’t figure that out.”

Shane was swinging his hands all over the place, drawing pictures in the sky.

“You wouldn’t know, you’re stuck in an underground lair like you’re a Disney villain or something.”

Suddenly a hand grabbed my shoulder, pushing Shane and I away from each other.

“Can we all talk like normal people for a minute.”

Shane only nodded, walking to the other side of the room as me.

“How’s your birth dad doing?”

Pen looked him up and down, sympathy in her voice.

“He died seven years ago.”

I hated Shane, but I felt my heartbreak for him a little. I knew he loved his father, he meant a lot to him.

“I posted about it, neither of you said a word.”

I looked down at my flats, the guilt seating in quickly.

“When we both joined the FBI they told us we couldn’t have contact with you anymore,” Pen answered, placing a light touch to his arm.

“Then why didn’t you do it.”

Shane stepped back into her face, I felt myself walk closer to him.

“I got us caught,” I spoke, his eyes turning from her to me.

“You got caught? Come on I know we don’t get along but I know you are smarter than to get caught.”

I felt myself roll my eyes, the whole situation was getting to me again.

“I didn’t know the FBI would show up, they tracked Pen through my phone.”

“Actually, I went to the station,” Pen turned to me with soft eyes.

“Huh?”

Shane smirked while he looked me in the eye.

“She was too scared to stay with me so he ran after you, knowing she’d get caught.”

“I wanted a different life, I wanted my best friend and I to be able to do something that was illegal all the time.”

I felt myself laugh, the memories of everything we needed in those years were illegal, but we alway made it work.

“Well aren’t you both doing better, baby girl.”

I felt myself step back as she walked back to his desk.

“Oh and let’s not forget Mr. “Did you know”, I hope your kids don’t come out wearing sweater vests.”

I felt the anger boil inside me, the idea of him talking about Spencer made me want to go back to throwing laps.

“Shit.”

I heard Morgan's voice in my ear, the realization of everything was kicking in.

“It’s not like that, you don’t understand the phrase,” Pen was quick to jump at Shane, trying to make him understand.

“It’s a friendship, all of it was.”

I felt my heart break, even saying those words in a dangerous situation felt wrong.

“Oh I saw text, it seems the guy you both are sleeping with are miracle workers.”

Shane slammed his hands on the table in front, looking over both of us.

“Because he somehow broke the strongest and smartest woman I ever met in my life and ruined her.,” he said pointing his finger at Pen.

“And Mr. Smarty Pants managed to turn my sweet step-sister into a cold blooded bitch.”

“Oh you want to see a bitch,” I started marching to him before Pen grabbed my upper arm and held me in place.

“We aren’t sleeping with them.”

“Well then I guess you vandalized yourself, which is ten times worse.”

I felt Pen's grip tighten one my, her eyes from liking with tears.

“You aren’t the two I saw as my family.”

“You don’t treat people you see as family like shit, get it right.”

I turned around and stormed out the large building, the sun shining down on the thick sweater. I didn’t wait for Pen and I threw the back of the van open and sat on the bench.

I didn’t do anything as Morgan or Reid spoke to me, the anger building up inside me was too much. I saw Pen join us in the back of the van, her eyes overflowing with tears.

She closed the door behind her and fell into Morgan’s arms, he sobbing took the back of the van.

“You aren’t a bitch,” Spencer said gently from beside me.

“No I am, but that’s the exact trait that's going to let me catch this asshat.”

part iv part vi

cm tag list:

@itsarayofsunshine

flashback tag list:

@summer-writes @snitchthewitch @mortallythoughtfulgurl @l0ve-0f-my-life @101donuts @siwiecola @eldahae @hot-mess-express99 @itlittlefangirl @afuckingshituniverse @mollygetssherlockcoffee @tinylumpiaa @kermitsaysgayrights @matthewreid

[staliasjeronica]

Riverdale S5 Ep9 Thoughts

It’s been awhile since I’ve watched Riverdale, I’m getting bored with them going back to Varchie out of literal nowhere and I’m assuming BH will soon follow because they don’t know how to write anything else even though that’s all the show needs to be good. Look how great the show was when they were finally starting to give us Barchie…. anyways thoughts under the cut so this post doesn’t clog up the tag. Also: MANIFESTING JERONICA AND BARCHIE BYE

- Honestly a lot of people are weirded out/annoyed by the alien plot but I love aliens so I’m lowkey okay with it.

- Alice this is Riverdale you really think some bad coincidence couldn’t have happened right after Polly left the phone booth?

- Veronica stop using money for no reason PLEASE. And god more VA scenes I’m so tired of it… though somehow it fits better than them being together as teens. But we’re not forgetting how he cheated on her with Betty, still loves Betty, and is mostly just going back to Veronica because it’s “comfortable”

- TABITHA AND VERONICA SCENE!! They look so good standing near one another ugh

- … if I heard the football coach say that over the intercom I’d literally think he’s a whiny piece of shit and never go to the games in spite. What the fuck was that???

- Jughead acting like he probably wouldn’t have written a story like that kid when he was in school lol okay...

- Reggie pointing at each bulldog and calling them a loser on his way out…. what the actual fuck asdfgjkl;

- Give Veronica literally anything than plots surrounding Archie and Hiram we’re so fucking TIRED

- Veronica needs Archie to talk to Reggie about this boring football bs but will make a wager with her dad that will go against everything Archie would like… please nothing about them as a couple has changed!!! IT’S SO BAD AND BORING!!!! WE DON’T WANT THEM!!!

- We really could have had teachers!Barchie and Jeronica but noooo they’d rather cater to toxic bh and va who don’t deserve to have their boring ships that ruin their characters. Why did Riverdale get stuck with the people who can’t write to save their lives?

- Cheryl and Betty finally having an actually good conversation wow-

- VA once again in bed sigh. The only thing getting me through is that Archie seems much happier with Betty muah

- Veronica stop being cute I’m trying to hate you and Archie getting back together out of nowhere

- Betty please for once in your life stop lying… I know you’re trying to protect her but if Polly really is dead it’s gonna hurt even worse now that you gave her hope

- LERMAN LOGAN AAFJDSHKHFJDFASHJKN THAT’S HIS FUCKING NAME? BRUH-

- “The story could have alluded to stuff happening at home.” “Then you should have come to us!” yes because parents who were abusing their child totally wouldn’t say anything to throw off the teacher who’s just trying to make sure their student is okay…….. why would he go to the parents first?

- #Kangs Cheryl shh we already don’t like them together please stop… anyways Swangs and Keggie when???

- Fangs really dated Kevin for 7 years, weirded out with his bf going into the woods to hook up with strangers and only now is talking about it… and they thought they’d be able to marry and have a baby together??? damn anyways SWANGS AND KEGGIE WHEN????

- But also Fangs is so right that’s why Kevin’s angry

- Adult friends BH is literally so much better than teenage co dependent toxic wannabe detectives but also if this makes them get together, also out of nowhere, I will rip out my hair

- what kind of nick name is T-Dub………… but anyways this scene was so cute

- See adult BH and VA could have been so good if they kept romance out of it since they already milked the shit out of it for four seasons (at least three too long), because them as adults, as FRIENDS feels so good to watch.

- HIRAM BENCHES REGGIE BC HE DOESN’T WANT TO LITERALLY BREAK A CHILD’S LEGS?!?!??!? This is how we get Reggie back to the “good side” and not Beggie sighhhhhhh imagine if we had good writers

- Betty’s like “…… the mothmen……. god I literally grew up to be a real detective what is this bullshit?"

- Also instead of mothmen why not just make it all about aliens by themselves

- This proves that BH is STILL not compatible after five seasons muah I guess I can deal with boring VA as long as the worst of the worst, BH, is gonna stay dead. At least VA is hot

- That edited picture of Betty and Polly I— afsdfhfasf

- Polly deserved so much better… anyways go read my Sweet Pea x Polly drabble!!! based after the time jump :)

- Kevin please if you’re gonna painfully flirt please learn a few actually good pick up lines

- Ummmm okay first of all why did that guy not say anything about Kevin calling him hot if he was straight and not into him hitting on him? Second of all, why does Kevin always get these awful plots, and lastly, what the fuck anyways can’t wait for Fangs to find out and sick the serpents on that Shane guy bc while him and Kevin aren’t together anymore, he definitely still cares about him

- Betty once again resorting to assault……. okay…… what a gross misuse of power

- Kevin feeling ashamed of him being gay because his mom once talked about him wearing husky clothes…? God everyone on this show deserves much better plots what the fuck

- Can’t wait for Betty to be suspended for this bullshit

- I don’t think the Logan’s would like Jughead of all people helping find their son but okay

- Betty is so unstable please how did she become a detective… ahhh right the writers eat from her ass lmao

- Love that Reggie gets no shit for just suddenly switching sides

- also sigh pairing up bh and va for the millionth time. It’s interesting that everyone enjoys the show much better when literally anyone else interact

- more singing…………Cheryl you’re not in high school anymore BUT it is lowkey a bop somehow though

- I know the answer is no but V never told Archie of her dumbass wager huh

- 0 to 52………………. so how is Hiram not gonna win this. We find out he cheated in some way and is disqualified or something?

- VERONICA, REGGIE, AND TABITHA HUGGING AHHH NEW OT3 FUCKKK

- Why is Hiram so mad his team has 52 points I—

- That kiss was so boring please give us Barchie and Jeronica and stop having V go back too Archie

- THEY LEFT RIVERDALE THAT QUICKLY? damn okay

- Betty feeling bad just because her mom found out she lied… like okay I know we’re supposed to want Betty on the case but she really shouldn’t be. She’s such an awful detective. She had potential in the beginning but :/

- anyways thank fucking god it’s over that felt like a million years long of boring bullshit where is Barchie and Beggie and Jeronica and Keggie and Karchie and Swangs ugh make Riverdale interesting again PLEASE I’ve never stopped watching like this, ever…

[marvinswriting]

Air Pressure

Prompt: Janis and Damian hurt/comfort bc sometimes Janis feels sad for no reason😳😳😳 We said A N G S T 😳 (except I also added nice Regina bc it's my fic and I can do what I want.)

It's just one of those days where everything hits hard I guess. 

I saw a post somewhere that said if there was no air pressure, rain would fall all at once in a thick sheet of water and kill us.

I don't know how accurate that is, but it's pretty representative of how my day is going.

Instead of getting hit with negative sparingly throughout the day with positive things to regulate it, there is no positive, and my emotions just hit me like a wall. 

Which is fucking great when you're sitting in English class.

The perfect time to just, break down is while you learn about The Raven, I guess.

I raise my hand to ask to leave the room, earning a sharp glare from my teacher when he has to stop reading to pick on me.

"May I go to the bathroom?" I ask, my voice wavering. 

He must pick up on it because he just nods.

I scoop up my bag and run out of the room. Its the first of my three tiny periods in a row and then I have a class with just Damian before I can go home. That's four periods to long.

I make my way into the school's tiny bathroom and pull myself into the back stall. I cover my mouth to muffle a sob, I don't really know why I'm crying, but the overwhelming sinking feeling in my chest won't disappear. 

I hear high heels clicking as they walk into the bathroom. "Janis? I saw you run in here."

I guess dying for 15 seconds really does change a person because Regina had been working hard to be my friend again. I don't know if we're 'watching each other have breakdowns' close yet. 

"I know you're here Jan. You can't hide from me." 

Well, that's mildly threatening. 

I freeze as footsteps approach the stall I'm in. 

Regina knocks on the door but it just slowly swings open, revealing me sitting next to the toilet, curled up.

Stupid broken locks.

"Oh, Janis." Regina crouched down next to me. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head. "Nothing specific, just sad, I guess."

Regina nods. "I know the feeling. And that's okay." She looks like she has more to say, but doesn't.

She simply steps into the stall with me and slides down the wall opposite of me.

This feels like the start of a bad porno.

We sit in silence for a bit and I have to admit, Regina's presence is actually really comforting. 

I try to slow the tears since somebody else is here, but Regina doesn't comment. She simply reaches across the small space between us and rests her hand on my knee comfortingly.

I give a teary-eyed smile at the action.

"Thanks." I say softly, "but you need to get back to class."

"I do," Regina agrees. "But I'm not leaving you to have a breakdown alone in the bathroom." She pauses for a moment, as if considering something. "Pass me your phone."

"What?"

"Today clearly isn't your day, you're not doing too hot and shouldn't be left alone, but, you're right- I gotta go to class. Let me text Damian."

"I'm not dragging him out of class because I can't get my emotions in check." I say glumly.

Regina tsks and grabs my bag, pulling my phone out despite my protests.

"Really, Janis? Same password since middle school?"

"I don't normally have people trying to go through my phone," I say, but I don't have the energy to fight Regina about texting Damian. "He's trying to get an education, yknow. Don't bother him." I say, but trying the change Regina Geroge's mind is futile. 

"I may not know Damian personally  but he seems like the type of person who wants to know when his friends are hurting." Regina says typing away on my phone. 

I hear it ding instantly and I wipe my eyes. 

Regina place my phone back in my bag, seemingly happy with whatever response she got before standing up and holding out her arm as an offer to help me up.

I take it.

"Let's go. Regina says pulling me up.

"Where?" I glance down at our hands, she didn't let go, instead, she opted to dragging me down the hall.

"To meet Damian, duh."

The closer we get to tiny pick up zone the more my stomach twists. 

I frown, now he's gonna worry about me and not go to class and that's my fault and-

"Hey, Janis." Regina stops suddenly. "If you don't want to see Damian we don't have to, I'm sorry I texted him."

What? Oh. I'm crying again.

"No, its- I'm fine. I just-"

"You don't have to explain yourself." Regina pulls me into a hug. It's tense, we really aren't at the whole helping each other emotionally part. But its also my first real hug from another tiny in a while. 

So I'll take it.

It feels nice, being able to return as much as I receive in a hug. 

My face just feels permanently wet today, it really is one of those days.

Like everything is getting triggered by period hormones minus the cramps and blood. 

We continue our walk to where the giant hall meets the tiny hall and see Damian already there.

"Hey, Damian," Regina says, passing me my backpack.

I wave to him, and the second Damian registers the tears on my face, I'm being scooped up and held to his chest without a word.

"Thanks, Regina." He says.

I grip onto his shirt, willing the tears not so spillover.

"Of course, Damian. I know Karen or Gretchen would want somebody to do it for me."

I'm to busy with my face is Damian's shirt and my eyes squeezed shut to see Regina walk away, but just as I heard her coming, I can hear the clicking of her heels grow distant. 

Damian doesn't pull me away, he just holds me there for a bit, not saying anything.

I can feel him rocking on his heels a bit, and if its a method of soothing me- it's working. 

After a while, I think I stop crying. Keyword is think. My whole face is still damp but I let go of his shirt and push away a bit. Damian takes the hint and pulls his hands back, letting me fall into his palms.

"What's got you worked up?" He asks. His eyes are swimming with concern and guilt hits me hard.

If I could just be a bit better at dealing with my shit Damian would be learning in class as students should. 

"I don't-" I take a breath. "I don't know."

Damian nods. "That's okay." 

I nod. Its something Regina had said earlier and something I had heard many times before. But hearing it from Damian felt like the most reassuring thing in the world.

I try not to sniffle. "You have a class to go back to. You can put me down."

Damian shook his head. "Hon, the bell is gonna ring any second, we've been standing here for a while. And I'm not letting you go back to class when you're clearly tired and not in a great mental space."

The bell is gonna ring?

Wow.

"You can't skip class, Damian," I say, standing up on his palms. 

"I won't be the one skipping."

"Huh?"

Oh.

Before I can even protest, Im boing shifted into one hand, Damian already using the other to clip the white pin on his jacket.

"Are you sure? I don't wanna be annoying or get in your way or anything. You already do so much for me and I just don't wanna be a bother, its just one bad day I can hide in the bathroom again I’ll be fine-" Before I know it, words are just tumbling out of my mouth. "Cuz like, I'm tiny and I can't do anything myself and I don't want to be a nuisance or-"

"Janis."

"Yeah?"

"You're not annoying or a nuisance or getting in the way."

"Okay." I say softly, looking down.

Damian chuckles. "I like having you in my pockets. It's a reassurance that you're safe."

I feel my face flush under the love and care. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah."

The bell rings and Damian pulls me close to his chest as student file out of classrooms.

Its the hallway so there's no need to hide me yet, but it's dangerous as always. I press my back against Damian's chest as I watch students pass us. Some notice me, others don't. Most could care less. 

I watch Shane Omen pass with Aaron on his shoulder. Aaron is gripping onto Shane's shirt as tight as possible, and it brings me a small bit of reassurance to know I'm not the only tiny with hallway anxiety.

Damian makes it to his classroom and wordlessly slips me into his pocket. He taps the pocket lightly, which I’ll never understand why he does it, and goes on with his education as he normally would. 

Skipping three classes is gonna be a bitch to explain to my parents, but I would rather explain this to them then go to class crying.

Damian's heart beats steadily to my right as I hear his teacher begin talking.

Yeah, there are bad days where it feels like the sheet of rain is slamming into me, killing me on the spot, but I'll always have Damian to be my air pressure to regulate the droplets.

Its a common thing in my fics, but don't skip class bbys, learning is essential

tag list: @musicallygt @sourishlemons @smallsoysauce @realmisspolarbear

[imperio-peeta]

11 Questions

RULES

1. always post the rules

2. answer the questions given by the person who tagged you

3. write 11 questions of your own

4. tag 11 people you want to get to know better (or however many you want)

-

1. Favorite cereal? Peanut Butter Cheerios

2. Do you want kids? ok... tbh I’m scared of having kids just because I’d feel bad if they inherited a health condition from me because that would break my heart. I also feel like my body is stupid and weak so I’d be scared to be pregnant and go through labor. (wow shit sure got dark)

3. What’s your opinion on weed?  Don’t wanna do it, don’t wanna be around it, but i don’t care if you do it.

4. Do you a favorite childhood movie?  i was obsessed with the Land Before Time movies. I also loved Bambi and A Bug’s Life (fight me, i will never pick one favourite)

5. Coke or Pepsi? COKE

6. Are you satisfied with life? tbh not really but i really shouldn’t be unsatisfied

7. What’s your comfort food? probably mac and cheese. definitely mac and cheese.

8. Would you like fries with that? h*ck yeah

9. Do you think the world is changing for the better? i hope it is but i can’t really tell.

10. Who are your favorite youtubers? The Try Guys, Jenna Marbles, Shane Dawson, Cody Ko

11. What’s your clothing style like? It’s like i wanna be a hipster but i’m too scared to pull off some of the looks... i like jeans that are slightly high waisted, slightly cropped shirts (could never show too much skin, #insecure), or leggings and wool sweaters. I like watches and nail polish too.

-

My questions:

1. How seriously do you take other peoples’ advice?

2. Are you afraid of being alone?

3. Would you prefer listening to a thunderstorm or wind blowing through leaves on trees?

4. What’s you biggest pet peeve?

5. Do you expect people to trust you, even if you do not trust them?

6. What is the best way to get over a cold?

7. What’s your favourite fridge magnet?

8. What’s your least favourite time of the day, and why?

9. If you could meet any celebrity, who would it be?

10. Do you tell someone if they have something stuck in their teeth/something on their face?

11. Are you a morning person?

-

Thank you @smolboogara for tagging me! This was fun :)

I tag @booksorbust, @born-in-olympus, @foreverlarke, @sammy-themoose, and any lil cutie who wants to do this :)

[wrestlinghasmelike-blog]

Smackdown Live! Review: April 3rd, 2018

WHOAAA WHAT’S THIS? AN ACTUAL SMACKDOWN REVIEW?!

Hey guys, I know it’s been awhile since I’ve done a Smackdown review, but it’s Mania week so I figured why not, right?!

Please let me know what your thoughts on the show were, your Mania predictions, and what you thought of this review. Any type of feedback is welcomed!

Daniel Bryan- Opening

Holy shit, Daniel has the biggest pop in the company right now, without question. 

Daniel and Shane, partners this Sunday against Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn, have returned to the ring after vicious attacks from KO and Sami. They’re probably here to talk shit against their opponents and talk about the show.

Wow, Shane got a pretty hype pop, too!

Shan rightfully congratulated Daniel on being cleared to compete again. But what I think he meant to say was “hey thanks for letting me be involved in Mania again’. I don’t personally need Shane as a wrestler anymore. I think what he’s done since he’s been back has been satisfying enough, but I don’t need to see another jump off a cage or West Coast on a trash can. I’m fine with him being a GM still, I actually love that, but wrestling Shane, I’m done with.

Daniel referenced Team Hell No I love it. He and Shane actually hugged it out.

Ooooh, I’m loving Daniel on the mic again. I think he’s always had some great mic skills, but he’s owning it now.

Charlotte vs. Natalya

This Sunday, Charlotte will be taking on Asuka for the title, and I think the thing I’m most excited for right now about that match is for the new gear that these women will probably debut at Mania.

Natalya, however, will most likely be participating in the women’s battle royal, and I think Nattie deserves better than being in the battle royal. She’s had a pretty great year in my book, and her abilities in the ring should have her in the title picture. 

Charlotte and Nattie lock up, and it’s Charlotte who takes the upperhand in the lockup with a hip toss. Nattie now gets Charlotte on the ground, but Charlotte breaks, and both women are back on their feet. Charlotte tried for a roll-up, but was unsuccessful. Nattie has now locked Charlotte in a headlock.

I love seeing these two paired up. I think both of them are matched in strength and ability, and they’ve always put on great matches when given the time/opportunity.

Charlotte and Nattie keep going back and forth, locking each other up and throwing each other down. Charlotte is doing some amazingly athletic flips with Nattie between her legs, and this makes me think that her match against Asuka is going to be highly athletic. I’m really looking forward to seeing this match.

Both women are still keeping this match at a fairly medium pace, which I think is working well for both of them. It’s not a super intense match, but it’s also not super technical, which would also be an amazing match if these two women participated in a submission match.

For the last few minutes, Nattie has been all over Charlotte, knocking down Charlotte’s strikes and bringing her down every chance she gets. Charlotte finally fires back with some chops to Nattie, followed by a neck breaker and a big boot to the face. Charlotte was doing well, but then Nattie countered with a sleeper hold. Charlotte countered that with a nice drop to Nattie’s tailbone, and she attempted a moonsault, but Nattie brought her knees up in time.

Both women are down, and now Carmella has made her way to the ring and wants to cash in her money in the bank! But it goes nowhere as Charlotte kicks the briefcase away from the ref in time. Charlotte throws Carmella out of the ring, and Nattie tries to roll Charlotte, but Charlotte locks in the figure eight, getting Nattie to submit. Victory Charlotte.

ASUKA IS HERE

...Charlotte and Asuka had a weird moment on the mic? Asuka hyped the crowd up, but maybe Charlotte forgot her lines? I don’t even know, but I’m excited for their match on Sunday.

Rusev vs. Jinder Mahal

These are two of the competitors in the fatal four-way match on Sunday for the U.S Title, along with Randy Orton and Bobby Roode. This is a big case of “we’re trying to fit everyone into the show as we can”. I think this match could’ve waited until the next PPV after Mania or something. I know WWE probably wants Rusev on the card, and a big name like Randy cannot be missed at Mania at this point, but this match just seems like too much. And it’s copying the IC title match!

There wasn’t a bunch to say about this match, and neither did the crowd honestly. It was a lot of back and forth mostly, but Rusev took the win in the end. The most exciting thing that happened was one of Jinder’s buddies tried to sing, and Aiden did a little rap. And Randy came out at the end. That’s it. I’m not really thrilled about this match, but I hope Randy comes out on top again.

Corbin/Primo/Mojo/Dolph vs. Ryder/Breeze/Fandango/Dillinger

All of these men will be participating in the Andre the Giant Memorial battle royal on Sunday, and I feel like this match right now is just filler for the show? It seems like it’ll be messy, but I love seeing Zack on the show! That makes me happy!

I almost forgot that Smackdown does that split screen thingy that plays commercials at the same time as the match. I’m seeing Ziggler and Dillinger fight it out, and it looks really intense! But I can’t focus all my attention on it because the commercials are very distracting! 

I also think everyone forgot that Primo is still a part of WWE, and that Fandango is actually a legitimate wrestler. He was very impressive against Primo tonight.

This was, as I figured, just kind of a cluster of talent showcasing their moves to get the crowd hyped up and give them a show. Baron was the one to pick up the win for his team. Will he be winning the battle royal on Sunday?

Styles/Nakamura vs. Gable/Benjamin

Let’s see how much wrestling AJ will be doing tonight. The rumor over the past few weeks is that AJ is injured in some way? He hasn’t been wrestling at house shows as far as I know, and he definitely hasn’t been wrestling on Smackdown as of late. I hope that this time off has been very beneficial to him, and that he’s able to put on a great match on Sunday. I know a lot of people will be let down if that match doesn’t happen.

Hey! Kevin and Sami showed up! I love them so much :))))

I don’t see the need for this match tonight. I’m pretty much sold on the story of AJ v. Shin for Sunday, so I really didn’t need to see them in action myself. I do think that this will be a pretty low-key match for them tonight, so hopefully neither of them over-exert themselves.

Shinsuke did tag in AJ, but Gable took advantage and attacked them both. It looks like AJ’s taking bumps? Gable’s beating on him pretty hard it looks like.

Back from commercial, and AJ looks to be doing well. He landed a huge Pele kick, and just tagged Shinsuke back into the match. Gable and Benjamin really attacked Shinsuke when he got into the match with some great teamwork, and now Shinsuke needs to get out of Gable’s grasp in order to get the victory.

Benjamin is now in against Shinsuke, and both men are down after Shin finally rallies back. AJ is back in the match as both men make it to their partners for the tag. AJ makes it in and saves the day for him and Shinsuke, getting them the win for the match. 

At the end, Shelton Benjamin came and attacked Shinsuke, and AJ came in to help out, and threatened Shinsuke with the phenomenal forearm, but he missed on purpose to scare Shinsuke, and he patted him on the head. I’m very looking forward to seeing this match on Sunday, I cannot wait to crown Shinsuke my WWE Champion.

That does it for the final Smackdown before Mania! I didn’t think this was a bad show, but I also wasn’t super entertained by it either. I think the show did fine, and if you compare it to Raw last night, I think Smackdown did a bit better honestly.

Thanks for reading this review! I hope to make another post for NXT tomorrow since it’s Mania week, but we’ll see!

-Casey

[knightofbalance-13]

http://dudeblade.tumblr.com/post/160196348636/wow-kob-and-i-thought-that-you-couldnt-be-any

Nope and I can prove it:

https://megashadowdragon.tumblr.com/likes

Taking a look at his likes, you’ll see he is much more frequent to like stuff than i am, he has a variety of pieces he has liked from Fandoms I didn’t even know about and has been doing it for over a year AKA as long as I have been around. he’s not an altnate account: You’re just paranoid.

Still baiting 0-4 seeing as you failed to see Mage wasn’t an alternate account, failed to see dragon here isn’t one, failed to see rwbyfan18 as one until I said it and even failed to see what was obviously an alt account of mine. That’s akin to having the ball on a tie for you and you smacking yourself in the knee.

Here’s the deal: You’re being an asshole, who is constantly enabling RT to make the same mistakes over and over again, and I’ll stop being an asshole who constantly rips on them for legitimate reasons.

Yeah, the @team-crtq blog as well as my several other criticial posts of RWBy disagree.

And your legitimate problems consist of fact manipulation, out of context quotes and complaining about their depictions of LGBT people, females, racial minorities and Amputees...despite not being any of those things...and people from each group telling you you’re wrong.

Kindly fuck off. And stop doing that bullshit “Do a play-by-play ‘deconstruction’“ thing that you do. You thinkI’m petty? I’m not the one who goes into the rwde tag looking for a fight.

So I shouldn’t give context to what I am talking about so people know what i am saying and can form their own opinions. Thanks Dudeblade.

Considering the fact that you people have called me every name in the book while suicide baiting me and I have only used the generic insults of :Asshole” “dumbass” or “idiot”: yes, you are petty.

In fact, I’m unaware of any person from the rwde tag going into the RW/BY tag looking for a fight. Only you and your posse go into the rwde tag for a fight.

Aside from that time RWBY criticism posted a mocking post in the main Rwde tag on the day of Monty’s death or the fact that I have come across your posts before in the main rwby tag and I have pointed that out to you? Your tags clearly show you’re trying to pick a fight with me so yes, you and many others have.

So, who’s the real villain here? - You live in a world where everything is black and white. So obviously, you think that you’re the hero, and the entire rwde tag is the villain. 

And with one sentence you have shown that you do not understand me in the slightest.

Wanna know why I call myself knightofbalance? Because I legitimately believe that it is impossible for a human being to be completely good or completely evil. In my philosophy, you can succumb to darkness and destroy everything in your path and succumb to light and become detached from the world and become stagnant. My belief is that you have to trust in your inner compass along with the compass of people you know you can trust to guide you on he thin line between light and darkness. This is emphasized by a piece of music I have found and have adopted as my theme (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2l0RMGid6vo). This is the theme of Senator Armstrong from Metal Gear Rising Revengence who I share more than one philosophical stand point with. And just like him, I wait to be beaten down and proven that an ideal is stronger than mine, that I am wrong. And that’s what I do in the rwde tag: Shout out for a challenge. And not one of you have won.

Even as my friends mocked you, I defended you saying that you probably just have a weird way of looking at the world or that you just have psychological problems: It took me forever to get it through my skull you think you’re absolutely right and that everyone who disagrees with you is wrong. And to this day, I still defend you on occasion. Unlike you.

Get the fuck off your high horse. You enabling, apologist, annoying, biased, person who doesn’t understand that your constant praise is detrimental to the growth of a production company.

Let’s go through this:

Apologist

I called out Rooster Teeth for not treating Shane and Sheena better. All i did was say Shane probably had problems of his own, some that he could not control. But you latch yourself onto whatever contraversy surrounding Rooster Teeth without looking deeper into it or looking at similar cases.

Enabling

I have called out Rt for not giving characters focus, like Salem and Yang. I just don’t think Jaune is hogging the screentime like you say he is. But you ignore everything positive about the show and berate everything they do.

Annoying

personal opinion and thus cannot be debated.

biased

You have a self proclaimed bias against both Taiyang and all male characters as well as a shown bias against Miles as the moment Arryn said the writing wasn’t at fault, you said he forced her to say that.

Constant Praise

I haven’t actually done all that much praising of Rooster Teeth aside from red Vs. Blue, in fact I’ve made an equal number of critical and praising posts about RWBY. You on the other hand have not said one good thing otherwise despite proclaiming to be a fan.

And just as well, that constant attacking will shut them off of actual criticism as you drown out actual critics thus not only would you damage the entire show, you risk harming the people behind it.

Everything you have called me more applies to you than me and you have a stated history of projecting: You might want to stop.

And I do find it convenient that you assume that I’m white. I’m part Filipino, part Spanish, Part Chinese, andPart Italian. How do we know that you’re not the white asshole who is constantly doing this sort of BS? - Seriously. There are also other people besides the ones that you mentioned that are part of those oppressed minorities that have a beef with how the writing is going. Are their criticisms somehow less valid that the praises that your friends have? - You sure seem to act like it.

And I was suppose to be aware of this previously despite arguing against you about racism before and never once mentioning this how?

Yeah, I’m white but I’m also autistic meaning I suffer prejudice as well (seeing as Autistic people are often compared to being diseased or brain damaged). And if the White Fang where a group with a neurological disorder, I would still berate them. In fact, I would berate them more so because they give me a bad name so that doesn’t work.

And that’s one person versus two people I know and unlike you, they don’t have a tendency to overreact and scream. Not to mention the fact that factions like the White Fang do exist in real life (Black Lives Matter for race, Muslim terrorists for religion ect). I would beat the ever loving shit out of a KKK member should I see them, even if they’re defending themselves from a group of people who are attacking them solely because they are white. You can’t claim that it is definitively racist when the majority says otherwise.

Also, why didn’t you call any BS on the section about LGBT+ Representation? - Were you too afraid to call out any of the reasons that I had there? - Or were you just one of the assholes who cherry-picks something to suit your needs? - Like how you accuse the rwde tag of doing?

This is what I am talking about when I say fact manipulation: I did call you out by posting a link to three LGBT people who call out people like you. 

Direct quote from the post:

And yet you will claim to speak for them here. Meanwhile, the three bisexuals I work with have made a post detailing why 90% of what you are about to say is bullshit. (https://team-crtq.tumblr.com/post/160160464449/rwby-and-ships)

Even I have more of a right to be offended since I’m some weird demi-heterosexual hybrid.

https://knightofbalance-13.tumblr.com/post/160180531630/httpdudebladetumblrcompost160161209960rwde Post for reference.

So you’re still projecting.

So yeah. Get the fuck off your high horse. You haven’t earned it. And if you attitude is anything to go by, you never will.

By the virtue of giving you a chance to prove your self and not telling you to kill yourself as well as the fact that I don’t manipulate the facts nor am I being hateful does put me above you.

The problem is: This is basic human decency. All I’m doing is being a human being. The fact that I see myself above you should scare you because I think so lowly of myself. 

PS: The only way to get me off this site is to force me off. So either quit with the weaksauce and come at me or accept the fact you cannot win.

[wishingfornever]

12/25/17 – No Contact:  Christmas

I hate Christmas.  I feel very alone right now.  I got back from work and I’ve been awake since.  Current time is 1am.  I wrote a bit of a rant on Facebook.  It was more to address those who experience today in Solitude.  I wrote this rant more for myself… but if asked about it, I’ll deny it.  I wrote about how many people are alone and feel the burden of the holiday.  So if I’m asked, I’ll say, “No, I’m with my cousin.”

Excuses.  It’s a poison and I’m the only one drinking it.  Tomorrow, Adela and I will try to find a place to get food.  I guess I’ll get some McDonald’s. Fuck it, I’ll have meat.  -,-

On Twitch, two people have added me.  I’ve accepted.  They don’t seem to be bots, at least not when I added them a week or so ago.  I asked one why they added me.  Rather, how they found me.  He (assuming this person is male but he has a feminine name) said we have a mutual friend.  Shane.  I haven’t seen hide nor hair from him in a long while.  Very peculiar.

It’d be funny if it were Esther and she were stalking me, but this person is playing World of Warcraft.  She never heard of it when we met.  Of course, she and Dennis could have gotten into it… I wonder.

Remember how I said “Dennis and I never go out so his stories are false.”  Thing is, in World of Warcraft, we did A LOT of things together.  That is far more likely.  Again, doubt it’s Esther but if Dennis got her into WoW that’d be a place where a lot of his stories involving me would be true.

I suspect Shane told these people to add me.  I think he’s busting my balls.  Just sort of trying to upset me or something.  I don’t know.  It’s a very weird circumstance.  I’m going to try to avoid these folks but if they message me, I’ll respond.  I don’t even know how to check mutuals on Twitch, so it’s more than likely he told them to add me.  Whether his intention is malicious or not has yet to be determined.

Anyways, time to ruin Christmas.  As I said yesterday… or the day before? The transcript for me trolling.  I probably won’t share anything like this again, so this will be for educational purposes only. Behold:

Original Post by Mutual Friend who ISN’T a Nazi (Was Posted on Twitter but Appeared on Facebook which he neglects): Journalists need to realise that the erosion of trust doesn't matter for their political antithetics. Trump supporters won't watch @CNN anyway.

It's their normal audience that'll tire of constant mistakes, of immature antics. Yelling about apples won't help with that.

Declan: Nope it won't help them, but there is a NEW NAZI BORN every MINUTE these evil and vile people exist! GOOD AND JUSTICE IS COMING! [At this point, he shares a video titled “88 Problems” which is a Nazi remake of “99 Problems” and is ABUNDANTLY Fascist]

Declan: [He shares a picture of Stalin furiously grabbing his head and looking down upon a series of pictures depicting Communism and Homosexuality with Hitler laughing in the corner]

Stephen: [Shares a picture of a Pencil with the words “This Machine Kills Fascists” on the side]

Declan: Hahahaha, gotta love the queer unnatural filth that rose up to exist because we chose the wrong side in World War Number 2. Thank the CREATOR for Generation ZYKLON which is rising in huge numbers. I guess the degenerates pushed too far too fast. Just a matter of time now, the days of the degenerate is numbered. THANK GOD!

Stephen: Lel, not sure if you're serious or not. Either you're telling a joke or you are the joke. ;)

Stephen: [Shares a picture of Che Guevara, on the top is written “I bet you won’t repost because you’re too ashamed to have a picture of Jesus on your feed.”  The purpose of this was to target his blatant over-religiousness and was more to draw him out as the image will offend him ideologically as well as spiritually.]

Declan: [Tags Me] - HAHAHAHHAHAHA, [Includes picture of Che Guevara with the quote “’The Negro is indolent and lazy, and spends his money on frivolities, whereas the European is forward-looking, organized, and intelligent.’ - Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara” and is immediately followed by another quote saying, “THIS DUMMY NIGGER SAYS NIGGERS ARE LAZY AND LAZY… In his nigger mind while attempting to promote Europeans… IS NOT EUROPEAN!”]

Declan: Now run to facebook and cry to CUCKERBERG to ZUCK me

Stephen: Oh, you're serious. The thing is, Che isn't black. In fact, his ancestry is Spanish-Irish. It's alright for not knowing, however. Ignorance can be cured through education. Education is a machine that kills fascists. :D

Declan: [Tags Me; mind you, the hyphen is a part of his responses, this has all been copied and pasted directly with the exception of describing the text in images] - YOU SAID ONLY BLACKS CAN BE NIGGERS! You, YOU, are clearly anti-black.

Declan: [Tags Me, yet again] - you should be ashamed, BLACK LIVES MATTER!  

Stephen: "Nigger" is a derogatory term for people of color. Much like how "Kike" is a derogatory term for Jews. If I were to call you a kike and then proceeded to insist that Kikes aren't specifically Jews, that'd be ignoring the original meaning of the word. The more you know. :D

Declan: People of color? You mean how "white" people are all the colors with various hair and eye colors, and brown people are just brown…

Stephen: More how in the US and other western nations determine someone's race by the color of their skin as opposed to standards in other nations. For example, in the Balkans, race is more nationalized and has more to do with culture. For example, Albanians and Serbs in Kosovo. They're different peoples and are considered a different race despite having the same skin color, but I digress.

Anyways, race is a boring topic and you're so very ignorant. Instead, let's talk politics. Since you're super into Black Lives Matters, then certainly you've heard of the glory that is Marxism, yes? :D

Declan: [Tags Me Again; please stahp] - I have heard of it, yes indeed. I figure cuckerberg is getting his minions ready to ban me as I type, so I better respond quickly… [Shares a picture depicting Romans carrying the fasces and is captioned, “In ancient ROME the fasces were carried by the lictors to assemble the court of the magistrate. They brought justice & light of ROME as they bore the fasces on their shoulders. The fasces remains a symbol of justice to this day because of it’s use in history. A bundle of sticks, in this case it was an axe bound around it with rods, held in place by leather strapping. The fasces served as a symbol of the people united together in the purpose of service to one another to build society under the law. It is this unity of purpose that is the basis for FASCISM.  I am a FASCIST.”]

Declan: [Shares yet another picture with words, this depicting Joseph Goebbels with Adolf Hitler, quoting the former as saying, “THE JEW IS THE PLASTIC DEMON OF DECAY. WHERE HE SENSES FILTH AND DECAY, HE APPEARS FROM HIS HIDING PLACE AND BEGINS HIS CRIMINAL SLAUGHTER OF THE PEOPLES. HE PUTS ON A MASK OF FRIENDSHIP BEFORE THOSE HE WANTS TO BETRAY, WITHOUT THE INNOCENT VICTIM NOTICING THAT HIS NECK IS ALREADY BROKEN.

THAT IS WHY WE NATIONAL SOCIALISTS OPPOSE THE JEWS. THE JEW HAS CORRUPTED OUR RACE, SOILED OUR MORALS, UNDERMINED OUR VALUES, AND BROKEN OUR STRENGTH. WHEN WE FORGOT OUR GERMAN NATURE, HE TRIUMPHED OVER US AND OUR FUTURE. -Dr. Joseph Goebbels, July 30 1928.”  Wall of text and is a dumb quote.  Dumb.]

Stephen: Nonsense, nobody is listening to your banter besides me. You're making it clear that you like Fascism so I'd like to ask you more about your ideology. What do you like about Fascism?

Declan: I believe in natural order and seeking real truth. This leads to true justice.

Stephen: Right, but truth is subjective. Rather, let's talk about the political intrigue behind Fascism. For example, what are your views on economics? Do you think Fascism can work with Capitalism?

Declan: Economically, Hitler's policy on National Socialism was an amazing success. So much so, that he turned the ruins of his Republic into a shining war machine.

Stephen: That doesn't answer my question. At all. Do you think Fascism can work along side with Capitalism?

Declan: This is what sums up the ideals of that economic ideal. [Shares yet another picture with a wall of text, I honestly haven’t read any of this until now because fuck that shit.  “HITLER’S DEFINITION OF SOCIALISM

‘A Socialist is the one who serves the common good without giving up his individuality or personality or the product of his personal efficiency.  Our adopted term ‘Socialist’ has nothing to do with Marxian Socialism.  Marxism is anti-property; true socialism is not.  Marxism places no value on the individual, or individual effort, or efficiency; true Socialism values the individual and encourages him in individual efficiency, at the same time holding that his interests as an individual must be in consonance with those of the community.  All great inventions, discoveries, achievements, were the first product of an individual brain.  It is charged against me that I am against property, that I am an atheist.  Both charges are false.’

- Adolf Hitler, December 28, 1938”

Bullshit propaganda, designed to sound good while kissing ass.]

Stephen: It’s a yes or no question, Declan.  ;)

Declan: The simplest answer is yes.

Stephen: So yes?  You believe Fascism could work with Capitalism?  You do realize that much of Hitler's economic success was due to the state taking over control of industry in the nation?  If Hitler ran today's world, Walmart and all those other businesses wouldn't exist in favor of a state-owned economic industry.  That's the opposite of what capitalism and the free market stands for.

Stephen: Very peculiar thinking. Knowing what you know now, do you still believe capitalism is compatible with Fascism knowing that Hitler's success was largely in part thanks to state controlled industry?

Declan: I disagree totally, given I know what Hitler actually did and promoted. [lol, no you don’t]

Stephen: You disagree that capitalism will work with Fascism? But you just said the simplest answer is "Yes." Why the change of heart?

Declan: [Tags Me once more] - I disagree with you. Hitler's ideals of private property and personal industry was promoted in his work. National Socialism is NOT the same as the disease that is marx. [shares the most previous image again because if I read it once I really have to read it again]

Stephen: I'm not talking about private property as that has little to do with the free market. The thing is, in Nazi Germany you had to work through the Nazis in order to run ANY business. You needed to be a member of the Nazi party. The state controlled almost the entire industry of Germany. This was a requirement for the war effort, after all. Hitler was not one to support the free market as that was part of the Jewish agenda.

Stephen: "These capitalists create their own press and then speak of the 'freedom of the press.' In reality, every one of the newspapers has a master, and in every case this master is the capitalist, the owner." Addressed to the German workers of Berlin in 1940. Hitler said this. He was not a friend of Capitalism. [This is the comment he liked]

Stephen: Hrm, seems you've vanished. Was hoping you'd stick around longer. Perhaps a change of topic would encourage your return. Let's talk about the Fascist's strengths. How do you feel about Nationalism? :D

At this point, he stopped responding.

I was going to talk more about this and explain certain things, but I ended up spending an hour going back.  Remember when the paragraphs were doublespacing?  I mentioned it briefly and didn’t really talk about it again.  I realized that if I have to rely on someone else to post these, I need to make them orderly.  So… I did it.  Just now.

I don’t suggest it.  I was getting rid of the double spacing manually because this is SO long that the program I’m using is just… well, it can’t handle uniting all the edits and making the spacing universal.  So, I pressed down on the arrow keys, hit enter, then clicked the mouse multiple times on the “Decrease Paragraph Spacing” button.  This lasted a while and I reread a lot… not a healthy trip down memory lane.

Before Shane told me what he told me, I was super chill with Dennis and Esther.  I REALLY turned against him.  I trusted Shane so much. Trusted Daniel, too.  I toyed with the idea that Daniel was untrustworthy… I think Shane too.  But I never really confronted it.  Of course, Dennis isn’t the ideal character.  He still betrayed me.  And Esther became a bit of a bitch.

Still, I wrote… a lot of sincere and heartfelt things.  I toy with the idea that if Esther were to read this, the first part of the journal would scare her.  Going through it again, not really.  Like, you can see my opinion of Dennis change.  I was honest about who I spoke with.  I wasn’t as deceitful as I thought I was.  And a lot of the dreams… ironically, I remembered the greatcoat burning dream the most.  I remembered it because the design of the camp had a sort of similar appearance to a Call of Duty Black Ops map.  The big snowy map in a factory.  Not exact layout, just looked similar which is strange for a concentration camp.  I can’t remember what I was, though.  Probably for the best.

Haven’t seen Cynthia or little Stephen in a while.  That’s good.  I still have dreams of Esther, of course.  Her spectre.

I had to change the name of a certain NationState to NationState Region Founder.  He has a funny name but it’s a shame I can’t reveal it. To protect his identity.  I sort of involved him in my drama.  That was wrong of me.

I wish I could convince Esther to read this.  I feel a lot of emotions that I felt back then.  I had really hoped that Esther would change her mind.  Shane built me up in a way.  When he was saying that Dennis was basically Hitler, I was convinced she’d see reason.  Of course, I attacked someone she had oxytocin for.  Thus, she hated me for attempting to rid her of her oxytocin source.

He’s still a little bitch.

Yeah, maybe I’m salty.  But Dennis wronged me.  She refused to see that. I forgave him, but he doesn’t want to be forgiven because he doesn’t think he did anything wrong.  I forgave her and same thing. She’s a good person… just fucking dumb.  ><

She has a lot of potential and it’s being squandered on fucking pot.  I hate marijuana.  If you smoke it, you’re a fucking idiot.  Yes, talking to you, Tumblr Reader.  Don’t smoke pot.  You need a sober mind.  If you do smoke pot, smoke it socially.  Don’t let it become a fucking crutch.  Overindulgence in anything is a bad idea.

Of course, I’ve basically pigged out these last few days.  Weirdly enough, whenever I do I tend to lose a lot of weight.  Weird how that happens.  I noticed that as I was reliving the journey so far.

I also noticed that I fell for something I told Esther not to fall for. Early in our relationship, before we became romantically involved and we were strictly platonic, I gave her a set of numbers.  She asked what the numbers meant and I told her to figure it out herself. I ended up talking about hidden messages and the Enigma Machine from WWII.  In an effort to learn the meaning of this set of numbers, she learned how to read the Enigma Machine.  She had a big crush on me, you see, and really wanted to impress me.

As she was learning to decipher the Enigma Machine, I told her that it’s possible the numbers have no meaning.  Immediately, she denied it and said that some of the numbers were making sense.  I told her that she’d find a meaning but that meaning would be entirely her own. She was looking for answers and if she looked hard enough, she would find the answers.  She’d find these answers even if there was never a question.  She still defended the idea that the numbers I gave her had a meaning.

Eventually this idea of hers vanished as I managed to convince her that it was an analogy for religion.  What’s the meaning of life?  Certainly, there are answers and we’ve found it!  Just don’t eat shellfish or pork!  Because you’ll get sick and die if the pork isn’t cooked well enough or if you have shellfish allergies.

We try to find a meaning for everything.  Everything must have an answer.  And when we find even a glimmer of an answer, we’ll do whatever we can to defend it.  That is why the most religious people are… well, religious.  Because they are determined that they have an answer to a question they alone asked.  A meaning to all of this.

The fact of the matter is, there is no meaning.  There only is.  We exist and we perhaps shouldn’t question why we exist.  Life is temporary as an individual… but as a collective?  Life is infinite.

Anyways, Esther tried to impress me by attempting to find an answer to a question that was implied.  Instead, I impressed her through a bit of insight.

Esther was strange at first, but she was worth talking to.  She was like a blank canvas and I was determined to take advantage of this.  I wanted to expand her mind, her thought processes.  She has so much potential that I know Dennis won’t see.  I’m certain he oxytocins her as well, perhaps as much as I do.  But his oxytocin for her? It’s a physical attraction.

To me, I oxytocin’d her because there were so many possibilities.  The idea of Cynthia and mini Stephen?  That’s recent.  To me, I had hoped to share experiences with her.  I wanted to do things I never have and have her do things she’s never done.  I never ice skated before I met her, for example.  A tip of the iceberg for me, the iceberg being adventures we may never do.

I mentioned that we had contracts.  She and I set these contracts and they began because I recognized that she was naive and would agree to anything.  Basically, I wrote contracts under duress to point out, “Hey, don’t fucking agree to everything just because you want one thing!”  It was GROSSLY against her.  However, we eventually rewrote the contract for other things.  We weren’t in a romantic relationship at the time, but we were flirting quite heavily.  It lead to the romantic relationship getting established.

My pride… it interfered.  She screwed me over in the contract and rather than letting her get too proud, I decided to weasel my way out of it and have her rewrite it.  Of course, it was a serious point so I weaseled for good intentions but I regretted doing it then.  Still regret it now.

Before we broke up, right after the event happened where I discovered Dennis was a piece of shit and the oxytocin for me Esther had once felt had faded, I wrote a new contract in an effort to get her back.  It heavily favored her.  She came over to pick up her things the day after, and I showed her the contract as well as a letter detailing my remorse.  I uninstalled all my games for the first time to prove my sincerity, showing her an empty steam library.  The contract I had written the night before was VERY hard on me… Esther even pointed it out.  It was a chance, but I was so scared of losing her that I lost my shit.  Ended up cutting my arm.  That was 9/3/17.  The End.

Love is strange.  Never have I… panicked like I had.  Never have I hurt so badly.  Losing Esther has hands down been the lowest point of my life.  It was only made worse by those I thought were my friends. Shane, Dennis… even Daniel.  Of course, Daniel is still a friend. But he’s not an ally.  He actively worked against me.  Admittedly, he worked against me on the behalf of his brother.  He was loyal and chose a side.  To him, blood was thicker than water.

The original quote, supposedly, is “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”  That is to imply that the bonds you have can be thicker than the bonds you’re born with.  I told Daniel that Dennis never liked him, and it’s true.  Dennis NEVER liked him.  I’ve mentioned this multiple times.  However, Esther was told this and only saw the Dennis of… recent years. Perhaps Daniel and him repaired their relationships, but I always remember Dennis just shitting on Daniel.

Dennis was not a good brother.

So, Esther thought I was lying.  Me, being a narcissist, was turning Daniel against Dennis!  Yeah, I guess I was.  But it was still the truth.

Shane… he lied to me because he wanted to do what Dennis had done.  Esther had told me that he was getting… creepy.  I don’t want to see how deep that rabbit hole goes, but I trust it’s a dangerous one to enter.  At least for her.

And Dennis… I don’t know.  He’s a liar.  He’s admitted this.  She trusts him over me.  It’s the oxytocin.  Of course, I embraced Shane’s words wholeheartedly, so I proved he was more honest than me only in the sense that Dennis said nothing and I said everything. I panicked.  I never stopped panicking.

Still, Dennis is a piece of shit.  If I were in a position to help him, I would.  Certainly, I would help him in a heartbeat.  However, afterwards I’d spit right in his eye.  I respect our history but the loyalty and trust he and I had… he profited off my misery.  He did something I would never do.  But, I’m holding him to my own standards.  As you can see, I can’t uphold myself to my own standards at times.

Hrm… getting late.  It’s almost 5 in the morning.

Something else I saw…  I spoke about my witch friend a lot.  A quick word search has revealed I haven’t revealed her name, so I’ll keep it that way.  Witch I met about the time I met Ariel.  A bit later.  She had her birthday recently.  Taught me a lot about magic.

I… asked her to cast spells on Dennis and Esther.  Make Esther love me again, forgive me.  Less than stellar things for Dennis.  I didn’t actually think they’d work and they didn’t, obviously.  But the idea would give me peace of mind.  I needed… something.  Something to keep me grounded.  I omitted that information just in case the spells worked.

I found out maybe… a month ago?  That the spells won’t work.  That the target is a naturally born witch so the spells can’t… magic. Somehow.  I’m not sure how it works, but I thought it was fitting. Esther’s a natural witch.  If she ever came back to me, I’d have to get her spell books.  See what she could do.

Ariel said I might be a natural Shaman because I attract so many witches. When I discovered Esther might be a witch, I couldn’t help but think maybe there was something to what Ariel had said.  Thing is, I don’t believe in magic.  Honestly, Witch might have just been lying to get me off her back.

Esther is a very spiritual person.  I’m not.  Ariel is a very spiritual person.  I’m not.  Witch is a very spiritual person.  I’m not. That’s three witches whom I hold very dearly.  My cousin is a witch, supposedly.  A wiccan or whatever.  Jeremiah is wiccan.  Just… idk.  I thought the wiccan thing was just a fashion trend.

Dumb to say, I know.  But maybe there’s a reason for all that.

It’s late, of course.  I’d believe any nonsense at this point.  But if there is a grain of truth in a silo of lies, then I’ll be sure to give it a chance.  I’ll randomly mail Esther some witchcraft books in the future.  I think I can remember Dennis’s address.

Oh, I smell nice.  I ran my fingers through my hair and I got hit by my cologne.  I’m reminded by my work day, though… could have been better.  I felt like I left and the job I had done was done… poorly.  My work ethic isn’t the greatest, but I felt low.  I was dazed.  Just was a bad day.  The day before was far better.  Of course, there was a pretty girl I could flirt with there.

I don’t flirt on the job, of course.  I try to stay professional.

Of course, she was shopping too.  Thing is, I never had a chance to say hi because… professional.  I don’t oxytocin this new girl.  I like her as a person because she’s funny and I am definitely attracted to her, but oxytocining her is a bit early.  As a cancer, I need to be aware of what I oxytocin.

Besides, playing hard to get is what brought Esther to me.  I doubt it’d work here, though.

If Esther came back, I’d stop pursuing Diana immediately.  I’d still intend to meet up with Ariel, though.  Esther would have allowed it back then before the event.  I try to be loyal and monogamous, with Ariel excluded of course.  When I was talking about bumping nasties with several women I knew on the way from Susanville to Houston, I knew I wouldn’t sleep with them.  Was it a joke?  Yeah, a bit, but I actually did want to know if Esther would have cared.  I think with the first one, who is single, she and I would have seen a movie.  Had dinner.  Have a date.  Typical bullshit.  We wouldn’t have slept together though.  Even if I wanted to, she wouldn’t.  She’s Christian and is even chaste.

The second girl, she has a boyfriend.  I tried pursuing her in the past but the timing was wrong.  Never had the chance to actually seal the deal. The third was a guy.  Actually, I met him online. He’s very charming.  Persian-American, or at least his dad is Persian.  He’s in Iran right now, actually.  He lives in Dallas. He’s a very handsome man, as well.  That’s something I noticed, Iranians tend to be very attractive peoples.  Would I have slept with him? If I were gay, I’d fucking fuck him so fucking hard.  But, alas, I am not.  He’s very handsome.

I don’t game anymore so I gave him my phone number recently.  Saved it, too.  I started saving numbers again.  I did it because I didn’t want to forget Esther’s face and my phone… well, it automatically gave her number a face.  Not sure where it came from.  Adela has a face too, which is strange.

They’re the only two contacts on my phone with faces.  And Esther… well, I only saved her number recently.  I don’t really save numbers.  It’s not my style.  The only number I saved last year was this number of this guy who was basically harassing me.  Like, he was crazy and I didn’t realize.  That’s a long story.  Haven’t heard from him in over a year.

Honestly, I hope he’s well.  It can’t be easy for him.  I think he was homeless.  I’m not sure.  He was mysterious and strange, yet he was so hopeful.

Oof. That’s a long journey for recounting memory lane.  Anyways, it’s time for bed.  I’m going to drink the rest of my 1500 ml of water because I didn’t earlier today at work.  Then, I’ll brush my teeth.  Then… I’ll stay up.  I’ll think about Esther.  And then I’ll dream about work.

Heh, that sucks.  I have this inner fear that I fail at work before sleeping.  Makes me restless, strangely enough.  Last night, I had a dream that I was leaving this old, rustic manor in Spain with Esther and this other guy.  We didn’t lock the house with a lock but this weird mechanism.  He said that it was a lock for the stupid.  He said this outloud, right as we left.  A line formed as people tried to play with the lock.

I realize that one guy was going to get it and I started walking towards him to let him know, “No, fuck off.”  The distance got further the closer I got, strangely enough, and when I got half-way he breaks open the mechanism and a bunch of people flood in.  I say, “Fuck!” and start running.

I make it inside and I grab the first gun I can.  A tank-gewehr from World War One.  It’s basically an elephant rifle redesigned to pierce tank armor.  Big gun.  I take aim at one of the looters and squeeze the trigger.

Nothing. I rack the bolt back to see if it’s loaded and it is.  So I push it forward and try to make sure that the bullet is actually chambered correctly.  The dream ends before I can take the second shot.  Or maybe it didn’t, but I can’t remember the rest.  I just remembered I failed at protecting my household from looters.

Tonight will be different.  It has to be.  I’ll dream about failing to help my coworkers.  See you again in a minute.  ;)

Should have guessed.  I had a dream about Esther.  Was very emotional. Like… oof.

Dennis and her separated peacefully, unlike when me and her and I lost my shit and cut myself.  I managed to convince her to not only come back in my life but continue dating again.  She was hesitant the entire way, but we sat across from each other and I held her hand to my cheek and cried.  Crying in front of someone is very hard for me, but I was just so happy that she came back into my life that I couldn’t stop myself.

She had to do something, so I drove into town to do something.  It didn’t last long so I came back as soon as possible.  I stopped by Dennis’s and he was showing me some things.  Strangely enough, he had these snapchat messages with Esther that were saved from 2015.  I thought that was very strange, so I made a mental note.

Anyways, I picked her up and she had been doing a pornographic photoshoot. Her boss was this woman who I never saw and Esther said her boss was something of a hard ass.  From there, it was time to finally go home. I was very happy.

Then I woke up.

I was a bit grumpy when I did.  I mean… really?  Seriously?  Again with this?  In the dream, I was getting ready to prepare this journal to be read.  I was making mental notes of what to tell her, mostly. Dennis was being nice to us, so I had to tell her, “Try to ignore me randomly shitting on him.”  Just a bunch of warnings and disclaimers.

I don’t hate Dennis, mind you.  He’s just pissed me off.  I’m upset with him still.  I guess it’s a chip on my shoulder but I did sincerely want him to be a part of my life.  Shane too.

I had another dream (or maybe it was part of the same dream).  A random guy left me a voice message saying Shane told a bunch of random people to add me and gave my information out to the world.  This is where these two Twitch people came from.  I was very concerned at first, but I laughed it off later.  I stopped accepting friend requests, though.

I wonder if I’ve ever done that irl.  I try to remember back in my propaganda days.  I don’t think I ever encouraged a group of people to harass one person, but I have publicly shamed people.  My niece, for example, who is a few years younger than me.  She basically stole over 800 dollars from me.  That’s a long story, though.

Adela gave me a card saying, “Merry Xmas from Max and I.

Yaya + [Quickly drawn picture of a mustache and a paw print]”

This card had a 50 dollar bill inside.  That was nice of her.  I love the representation of Max.  He’s a little schnauzer so he always has a little mustache.  Super cute dog.  He doesn’t have a mustache now because the vet trimmed EVERYTHING but his eyebrows, but it’s basically a staple for him.

I didn’t get Adela a card.  Rather, I got her a present that I left on her bed.  It’s this short, faux fur coat.  I got one for my mom and she loves it.  I wanted to get one for Ariel.  Hell, I might randomly send one to Esther.  It’s a really cute coat.  Ironically, it costs 50 dollars.  If I get one for Ariel, it’ll be red with black trim.  That’s the same style I got Yaya and my mom.  If I get one for Esther, it’ll be blue or black.  The trim doesn’t change color.

Probably a bad idea to gift women the same article of clothing as other women, but it’s still nice.

I know it’s weird that I’m thinking of getting Esther something but her birthday is coming up.  If I send it, it’ll come from a “Mysterious Stranger” which will be a reference to Fallout.  Or something, I don’t know yet.  Honestly, I probably won’t even do it.  It’s nice to think about though.

Still, backing up a minute it’s weird that I want to get her a gift!  She has made it clear that she wants me out of her life and I know she’ll never come back.  In fact, she thinks I’m a Narcissist.  Surely, I’m doing this because I’m trying to convince her to come back! No.  Again, it’s been a tough life for her.  Last year, she was in a bad situation.  Her birthday was not so good.  Two days after, we met in person.  It’s been a tough year in general, but especially for her.  I think she’d like it.  However, if she asks me about it then I’ll deny it.  If she thinks it’s from me she’ll throw it away.  It’s $50 and I don’t intend to just throw that money away if she doesn’t at least try it on.  x.x

Whoops! I accidentally ordered it, just to see if I can change the Address and place a gift tag on it!  Unfortunately, Amazon is SO FUCKING STREAMLINED, that it just ordered the fucking coat and it would have sent here.  D’oh!

Fortunately, I was able to cancel it immediately.  I don’t get charged until it ships so my bank won’t see anything from it.  Phew.  I can’t afford it right now.  I can’t afford ANYTHING right now.  At least, I can’t afford anything on my card.  ><

Embarrassing.

I’ll look into sending mysterious packages when I can afford it.  Of course, she’ll know it’s me.  I’ll figure it out.  Shouldn’t be hard.  Just… whoops.  I probably will wait until next Christmas, honestly.  So, I guess this Tumblr won’t see the end result.

Oh, last night.  Last night, I drank so much water at once I thought I was going to vomit.  Very bad idea.  Today, I woke up with slightly chapped lips and my urine didn’t show any signs of being overly hydrated.  I guess I go through a lot of water naturally.

Just cooked some eggs with corn and seasoned with pepper, seasoned salt, and garlic powder.  The top three.  It wasn’t in a sandwich but it was covered in ketchup.  It was a good Christmas dinner, even if it were more a breakfast meal.  Esther cooks her eggs with shredded cheese mixed in before scrambling it, sort of like what I do with corn.  I considered cooking my eggs like that but I don’t have shredded cheese.  That and I usually through the end result onto a sandwich with sliced cheese, spinach, and onions (though the recent eggs have had the onion cooked in them).  I don’t have ANY of that right now.  But I have plenty of eggs.  :D

I think I’ll cook an Esther breakfast for myself soon.  Just to see if it’d work with corn, really.  If it doesn’t, then I won’t cook like that again but I doubt it’d be totally significant.

I’ve been thinking of Esther a lot lately.  It’s not a bad thing; I’m remembering her fondly.  I couldn’t help to while cooking the eggs, though.  I won’t cook for her again, so I’ll cherish when she cooked for me here.  Before the event, I cooked for her a bit. Nothing spectacular, mac and cheese or mashed potatoes.  Super easy stuff, nothing complicated.

I just tested to see if Tumblr has a character limit.  It doesn’t.  I posted the entire thing up until now to Tumblr on the blog I made for Esther a while back.  I deleted it after so no one will be able to see it.  The reason I tested it was to see how simple it’d be for my friend to post these things.  I’ll tell her to use the find function to find “Contact” and because that’s attached to every post.  Those are the titles of the entries, after all.

Basically, I’m trying to keep this as simple as possible for her.  Will she read all these?  Maybe.  But I do think she’ll follow through. I’ll make two copies of this.  One will be for posting to Tumblr. I think it’d be better for her to copy the daily posts and then IMMEDIATELY delete it.  The second will be for back up.  If she deletes too much or whatever, it can get mended easily.

Yesterday at work.  I just remembered.  I wasn’t supposed to be on a register but I was helping out as I could.  The line was long so I got on the second register.  My manager at the time, a short Mexican woman who is about my age, was on that register.  I got on it and started ringing people up.  Then she comes up and takes over.

Before she does, she grabs me by my sides, hands a bit higher than my waist to move me.  It’s very gentle and I didn’t realize it at first. Then, I saw it.  I threw my arms out and yelled, “I’m flying, Jack!”  It was great.  I was impressed by how quickly I assessed the situation and remembered the quote.  Like, it was lightning fast considering my dumbed down reflexes.

I actually steal a lot of my jokes.  Usually from Zero Punctuation, lately from Soviet Womble, but this?  This was something that I had a chance to do and I took it.  I forgot about it because the day was pretty rough, but it was… so good.  I was fortunate to have a chance to do something like that.  I didn’t have to go out of my way for a joke, it was just the right moment at the right time.

Anyways, watching a movie.  Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou.  I won’t go into a full review like I did with the children’s movies.  Thing is, this movie is supposed to be rather underrated.  It’s very artsy. That’s something I’ve been wanting to see.  My favorite quote thus far is when this Italian gentleman asked Bill Murray’s character what the scientific purpose of killing one of an endangered species of shark.  He awkwardly sat there for a moment and said, “Revenge.” I’m reminded that tigers who were wronged would seek revenge.  I read that somewhere on Facebook, probably inaccurate but it’s very likely considering tigers are big housecats.  I feel animals are very human.  I shared yesterday a picture talking about how ravens were trading money for bread.  Or were they crows? Crows.  Still, they are very intelligent creatures.  They understand the value of currency and use it to make purchases.  Very peculiar, no?  And they’re making this trade with humans.  I’m sure it’s not the first time there was an exchange of currency between two different species, but it’s certainly impressive.  Animals can learn such brilliant things.  And I think I mentioned how ants enslave other ant colonies and those slaves sometimes fight back and rebel.

The more we look at the behaviors of animals, the more we’ll see the behaviors of man.  After all, the only thing separating us from the animal kingdom is that we wear pants.  Even then, we always try to find a way to take them off again.

Anyways, the movie is paused right now.  His entirely named crew all wear red hats (or a turban for one character), sort of like a uniform.  The gentleman who died at the beginning, spoilers btw, was named Esteban. Esteban is basically Spanish for Steven (or Stephen, in my case). My mom calls me Esteban, for example.

The artsy style is very peculiar, it’s clear that it’s intentionally like that.  The Crayon Ponyfish Seahorse doesn’t exist, mind you… so I wonder if this is in the head of a child named Steven.  Or perhaps Mr Zissou went crazy and is personifying those around him.  I like this film already because it’s making me think.

So, the creatures are all craft projects, at least from the ones we saw. CGI designed to look like it.  And of course, this documentary is so renowned!  It attracts nobility and one such of these renowned individuals was knighted in Portugal by the Presidente.  I don’t think Portugal knights people, mostly because… well, Presidente. They knight people in the United Kingdom, but they still have an aristocracy.

The way the camera shots are presented, the earlier scene where the documentary’s part one began, it had a very steady shot showing Steve Zissou in the middle of the ocean with red eyes for… hydrogen poisoning or something?  Not sure.  But I feel it’s reminiscent of older movies that fixed their shots on characters crying, even when there is so much movement in the scene itself.  That image would still be very still.

Not sure if that’s related to the theory that this is all in someone’s head.  I mean, the character was splashing and struggling in the water moments prior but everything was calmed and I think even the equipment was removed to show that he had red eye.  Very still.  And with the idea that everyone has a signature red hat and uniform mostly as well as the character who died basically had the same name as the titular character… well, I just feel there is something to that.  Maybe it’ll get revealed.  I’m only like… 15 minutes in maybe? I can’t watch now because my cousin is vacuuming and cleaning.  Honestly, I should clean as well.  I have to clean the bathrooms and do the dishes which was one of the reasons I cooked myself eggs.  May as well if I’ll do the dishes right after, amirite?  But I have plenty of time.  It’s only 6:48 at the time of writing.

I’ll stay up, tend to my chores.  I’ll clean up my workspace down here. I’ll get it organized before tomorrow.  I’ll set an alarm for 10 and wake up relatively early, regardless of how well I sleep.  Which, last night, I didn’t sleep well.  I kept coughing.  And I thought of Esther a lot.  But I coughed more.

When Adela is done vacuuming, I’ll continue the movie.  After the movie, I’ll get to work.

Just finished… it was a good movie.  It was funny yet it was also sad. It was blunt yet it was also sharp.  It was a very surprising movie. Honestly, I don’t care for my theory.  I was enthralled.  It’s a shame the movie was so underrated.  I felt that it was… art.

The Grand Budapest Hotel.  I saw that movie as well, a long time ago.  It was very good.  I’m looking up Wes Anderson films and I was surprised he made that one.  Isle of Dogs is a movie that Wes Anderson is making it seems.  It’s a movie that I wanted to take Esther to, even during the event.  Unfortunately, the fissure was grand enough to drive us apart.  My doing, of course, but still.  I will find the time to go to the theatres.  I shall watch it along, carrying her image in my heart.

We watched… several movies after the event.  Two, both were terrible but fun.  We went to the theatre and everything.  I tried to get her to watch Schindler’s List but… we fell asleep.  We fucked first, but we slept afterwards.  Weird to think about fucking during a holocaust movie.

I don’t remember how it happened.  I was emotional and I was happy to hear she’d give me a second chance.  She read the contract that punished me, of course.  Maybe I was too happy.  Weird, I know.

When I find the chance, I’ll watch the Grand Budapest Hotel again. Netflix doesn’t have it, unfortunately, but it might have a crap version on Youtube.  I’ll give it a look soon.  Adela is doing more chores, I need to go to the bathroom and then do the dishes, and there are fireworks which upsets the brat-dog.

Hrm… I wonder where the word “brat” comes from.  I think it’s German for sausage.  Thus, it’s possible that german parents would call their kids sausages because a lot of English speaking parents refer to their kids similarly.  On my facebook, two sets of parents refer to their daughters as a “bean” and they’re on the other side of the globe from one another, Australia and the United Kingdom. Sausage is sorta similar to a bean, and I guess a baby wrapped up looks similar to a bean/sausage.  Thus, calling someone a brat is just calling them a sausage.  But it’s more calling them a child because the child is a sausage.

To me, of course, brat is a term of endearment.  It’ll probably change to something else later on.  Not necessarily to me but to society’s standards.  The meanings of words tend to bend and evolve, like that. However, when you force a word to change, then the meaning is strengthened.  It must be an accepted change, a natural change. Don’t try to force a word to mean something else.  People will think you’re an idiot.

So, I suspect that in the future, instead of “Brat” people will call other immature people “Beans.”  Interesting theory, eh?

Just spoke to Ariel.  She went out with friends and ended up saving a dog. Not sure if adopted or what.  Sent me a picture of her with this rather large dog.  Hope it’s okay.  Wonder what happened.

[junker-town]

Giants need more from Eli Manning to keep momentum in 2017

The Giants broke a long playoff drought under Ben McAdoo and have a hugely talented roster. But Eli Manning isn’t getting any younger.

It’s not easy to move on from an entrenched head coach with multiple Super Bowl titles under their belt. Yet, that’s what the New York Giants did after the 2015 season, dismissing Tom Coughlin and replacing him with Ben McAdoo.

After winning the Super Bowl in the 2011 season, the Giants went through a four-year playoff drought. McAdoo was promoted from offensive coordinator and got his first head-coaching gig in a high-pressure environment. The Giants responded with an 11-5 season, reaching the playoffs for the first time since hoisting the Lombardi Trophy.

There are a lot of reasons to think the Giants will make the postseason again. The defense got much better after general manager Jerry Reese spent big on the unit last year, and most of the core players are together again. Odell Beckham Jr. remains one of the most electrifying receivers the sport has ever seen, and now he has some veteran help in Brandon Marshall.

Defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul certainly isn’t lacking in confidence.

“I think the key is we added a lot of guys and people are like ‘Wow, this year has to be a team that goes to a Super Bowl this year,’” he told the New York Post.

But if they hope to get back to Super Bowl contention, they need more contribution from the offensive side of the ball — specifically, their franchise quarterback, Eli Manning.

Eli is showing real signs of aging

Manning thrived with McAdoo as the offensive coordinator in 2015, setting a career high with 35 touchdowns. However, things weren’t as good in 2016. Manning still threw for 4,027 yards, but it was his lowest total since 2013 and his TD-to-interception ratio fell from 35-14 to 26-16. His yards-per-attempt average (6.7) was the lowest since 2007.

Eli has always been prone to boneheaded turnovers, but at age 36, those mistakes are harder to ignore and it’s fair to wonder how much he has left in the tank. Eventually the Giants have to find a true successor to Manning, and they probably won’t find it in their current crop of backups — Josh Johnson, Geno Smith, and third-round rookie Davis Webb.

Things might be easier for Manning if he had any serious help in the running game, which is an area the Giants are still working on.

No running game creates more problems

The Giants were a pitiful 29th in the league in rushing yards, averaging only 3.5 yards per carry. Rashad Jennings, who’s currently a free agent, led the team with just 593 yards last season. It’s now up to Paul Perkins and Shane Vereen to resurrect the ground game.

Perkins, a 2016 fifth-round pick, broke out in the second half of the season. As a rookie, he recorded 456 rushing yards while averaging 4.1 yards per carry. The Giants seem committed to making him the lead back, with his only competition being Vereen, a pass-down specialist. Behind those two are career backups (Orleans Darkwa, Shaun Draughn) and fourth-round rookie Wayne Gallman. It’s still not an inspiring depth chart, even with Perkins’ potential upside.

Of course, the run game wasn’t helped by a bottom-tier offensive line, ranked 20th on Pro Football Focus last season. 2015 first-round pick Ereck Flowers was a disaster at left tackle, but the Giants are hoping he can make a jump in his third season. He’ll have to improve, because New York didn’t make any serious offseason additions on the blind side.

Left guard Justin Pugh and center Weston Richburg are good starters, but Pugh missed five games with injury and the middle of the line collapsed without him. The right side was a turnstile all year, but the Giants brought back right guard John Jerry and hope that another 2015 draft pick, Bobby Hart, can hold his own at right tackle. They also added free agent signee D.J. Fluker, who can play either right guard or tackle.

With the individual talent up front, there really aren’t many excuses for the line to be as poor as it was last season. A lot of the Giants’ offensive problems can solve themselves if the line just does a better job protecting Manning and opening up holes for Perkins.

ODB is the star, but he has some help this time

With respect to Manning, there’s really not much doubt who the real face of the franchise is here. Odell Beckham Jr. has taken the league by storm since arriving in New York in 2014, and he has a good chance to be this generation’s most iconic athlete. An incredible player and magnetic personality, Beckham is must-see TV.

However, it’s not a one-man show in the Giants’ receiver corps. They have quietly built a strong supporting cast around Beckham. Brandon Marshall was brought in after the New York Jets cut him, and despite some struggles with the Jets’ motley crew of QBs throwing him the ball last year, he can still play at age 33. Sterling Shepard turned in a strong rookie year with eight touchdowns, and with Marshall in town, he can thrive in his more natural slot position. As far as starting receivers go, that’s a pretty good trio of talent the Giants can boast.

Even the tight end position could be interesting again. The Giants have spent years shuffling between mediocrities like Will Tye and Larry Donnell, but now they have an intriguing rookie in first-round draft pick Evan Engram. The Ole Miss prospect was touted as one of the better pass-catching tight ends in the draft, and Engram is capable of lining up in multiple positions, giving Eli a versatile weapon at tight end he hasn’t really had since Martellus Bennett’s brief run in 2012.

There is potential on this offense, but also a lot of question marks, so New York will need its defense to step up once again.

Defense went from weakness to strength overnight

After Coughlin was forced out the door, Reese suddenly had the target painted on his back. The GM went into the 2016 offseason seemingly on the hot seat, and decided to invest on defense. Olivier Vernon (five years, $85 million), Janoris Jenkins (five years, $62.5 million), and Damon Harrison (five years, $46.250 million) were among the biggest free agent signings that spring, all in an attempt to improve the defense.

Normally, buying your way into contention doesn’t quite work out — it’s a classic last-ditch attempt by an embattled GM to save his job. The thing is, Reese’s spending spree ... actually worked? The Giants’ defensive DVOA jumped from 30th all the way to second, while ranking 10th in yards allowed and giving up the second-fewest points in the league (17.8) one year after allowing the third-most (27.6). It was a dramatic turnaround on every level, easily the biggest reason why the Giants went from 6-10 to 11-5.

It all starts up front, as most great defenses do. Vernon lived up to his price tag and led the team with 8.5 sacks. Pierre-Paul, wearing a custom-fitted glove on his mangled hand, had a tremendous comeback year with seven sacks and three forced fumbles, finally getting the big long-term contract he’s always wanted. “Big Snacks” Harrison was an unmovable force in the middle of the line, though Johnathan Hankins could be hard to replace after he left in free agency.

In the secondary, Jenkins teamed up with Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie to form one of the better cornerback duos in the league. Safety Landon Collins had an explosive breakout season with five interceptions, four sacks, and a defensive touchdown, getting named to the All-Pro first team as a result. Pro Football Focus recently ranked this unit as the best secondary in the league:

The @Giants own @PFF's top secondary in the NFL heading into 2017 Find out where all 32 teams rank:https://t.co/n03sEOnHQc http://pic.twitter.com/WHhStotDFR

— Pro Football Focus (@PFF) July 18, 2017

This defense is littered with great playmakers, and with most of them under contract and still in their primes, the Giants are in good shape on that side of the field. They didn’t even do much to address the defense in the offseason — re-signing linebacker Keenan Robinson and drafting tackle Dalvin Tomlinson in the second round ended up being their biggest moves.

Playoff talent, but some unanswered questions

On paper, this team has all the pieces it needs to win the NFC East and make a real run in January.

However, the Giants still have the ugly memory of that Wild Card round loss — Beckham and Shepard committed multiple back-breaking drops and the team in general just made too many unforced errors. You can’t beat yourself when you’re already playing Aaron Rodgers, and the Green Bay Packers predictably rolled to a 38-13 win.

Most of the core is back together, with some glaring holes addressed in the offseason, and this looks like one of the more talented rosters in the NFC. The Giants have a lot of promise, but they must cut down on the mental mishaps to contend in an NFC East that’s as fiercely competitive as ever. The Dallas Cowboys are still the team to beat, even if Collins disagrees. Meanwhile, Washington and the Philadelphia Eagles have enough talent to challenge the Giants in any given week. Any minor slipup could prove costly in this division.

Manning also looked old last season, and Father Time is undefeated. If he can’t play at the level he used to just a few years ago, how high is this team’s ceiling? If he’s nearing the end, how long is their contention window really open? Those are the million-dollar questions facing McAdoo and Reese, both in the present and future.