#worse-4-less
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I feel ill. All the fools and villains who ever fell for my ploys, they're — they're here!
#gamingnetwork#vgedit#videogameedit#gamingedit#dailygaming#gameplaydaily#bg3edit#bg3#bgedit#bg3 astarion#astarion#astarion ancunin#:(#i think this scene is so interesting and speaks to why i get so annoyed by the 'any portrayal of astarion#as having an degree of a conscience or goodness in him is stupid and woobifying. hes chaotic evil and thats IT' thing#the grief and guilt. the way he tries to talk himself into it. the way he removes HIS OWN autonomy to do it. pretends theres no other choic#esp in the context of other moments where he preens when hes called good. he LIKES being smth other than what cazador made him#but hes so SCARED. he spends this dialogue talking himself into killing them and he HAS to talk himself into it BECAUSE this kind of evil#isnt easy to him despite it all. theres still scraps of a conscience there yknow? and he hides it from himself by pretending hes less free#astarion is fun BECAUSE hes weird and contradictory and a bad person with the capacity 4 good. BECAUSE he doesnt know what he actually want#also i love the idea of him in this moment rly thinking abt the player....like whether theyre friends or romances#a player whos been really kind and loving to him...kept him safe....trusted him....#thinking about how they let their guard down for him and how in his old life THIS would have been the life#hed been damning them to....years and centuries in a tiny cage somehow even worse than his
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seeing a bunch of yugitubers finally white knuckling teeth clenching admitting that links were actively detrimental for the game and that pendulums were not the core issue is so satisfying, actually
#i will fully admit pend has some mechanical flaws overall with card design but thats more komani being uncreative#i have no idea how people saw a mechanic actively restrict and break every other mechanic for 3 years#before needing to shamefully be changed didnt have anyone at the time going “hm maybe links arent good”#like ofc a huge issue is stacked af generic extra deck boss monsters. but fundamentally links mechanically are just too broken#you can turn literally all cards into advantage how were people ok with this. and this is coming from someone who thinks links CAN be good!#'uuuhhhhh pendulums are busted!!!“ hyou summon monsters for free!!!!!” turn 1 you can summon like#3-4 if youre being generous. and how is that worse than the 1 card starter into 37 special summon step combo#“but pepe!!!!” zoodiacs. spyral. firewall dragon being fucking banned. are you listening to yourself#its genuinely incredible how people whine about the card text but are like 'yeah i can remember a half hour combo line no sweat"#being made to wait at the airport for ANOTHER 12 hours so im allowing myself to be a hater#anyways learning that pendulums have less total cards than links is my 13th reason. its my 9/11#i have no fucking idea why konami hates pends so much but man do i want to dissolve them for it (alongside other reasons)
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The detectives love interest calming and comforting them does so much to my heart and the "I'm here for you" throughline is perfect, but the bff ones also do shit to my heart🥺
It's Morgan, Farah, Nate and Adam respectively and my little heart almost burst🥺
#it feels very found family🥺#and the part that killed me while playing these routes is the thought i know zuri has when they say that#“but for how long?”#and now it's less about them deciding that they don't want her to be part of them family#and more about her fear of losing them and being the reason why - with all the danger she puts them in#it's funny how a few days ago i said zuri is getting worse with how protective and honestly almost possesive (just a tad) she is of ub#and other people she cares about#instead of her rep being the danger SHE is the danger and she just physically hurt one of them so bad that they can't heal from it#she cannot catch a break💀💀#she has similar thoughts in the romance routes it just hit me when i saw how similar ubs responses are in these ones#twc spoilers#twc book 4#twc m#twc morgan#f hauville#farah hauville#n sewell#nate sewell#a du mortain#adam du mortain
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I'm not finding enough people to follow who are a) adults & have ages in their bios b) currently active blogs c) definitely not radfems or smth so if you post any of the shit in the tags, please interact??
#bugs#bugblr#folk punk#crust punk#diy or die#fallout 3#fallout 4#ghouls#(especially if you post ghouls thats my mfing type)#spiders#ecology#foraging#horror#fungi#mushrooms#i dont remember it being this hard a few years ago but things seem. less active overall. or im just worse at blogging now#also if you make any weird gay art i love that too
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looked at how I used to draw last year and damn I miss such sketches so here's one (I'll also post a bunch of stuff from my sketchbook once I get to the scanner)
#it was such a productive year and this one is completly opposite#like in a couple of months id made more than i have this whole fckn year that's awful#and not only i do less but also worse so#so this year's artsummary gonna be real bad i feel ;_;#cait fallout 4#fallout art#fallout 4#fo4
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my psychiatrist should care that i’m getting 2 hours or less of sleep a night, right?
#i’m so frustrated and this is the worst week of the year for my ptsd#like that seems crazy to tell me to continue a medication that’s making my insomnia worse when it’s 2 hours a night#or less#like it started at 4 which he also didn’t care about which like eh#but now we’re at 2 or less and still no interest in treating that just giving me more medications that make it worse#and 0 to help that or the anxiety that’s also worsening from this#the only reason i got the ok to stop the medication (with 0 replacement or anything to help the rest of it) is because of the migraines#and even that took 30 min on the phone to convince them that i was having 24/7 migraines#it’s been MONTHS since i slept through a night#personal#medical stuff tw
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i just rewatched the rapture ohhhhh my god. such a good episode the jimmy stuff is actually fucking horrifying somehow even worse remembering claire grows up to be a hunter. then dean and bobby at the end locking sam in the panic room oh i hope they suffer. forever. he shouldve never spoken to their asses again
#im watching with my mom and she is having none of it. she was like BUT SAM SAVED THE DAY??? MORE PEOPLE WOULDVE DIED OTHERWISE#and as soon as sam and dean started talking in the car she was like Why is dean always so mean to him???#so true girl… you would do numbers on here#literally what good did it even serve. he gets OUT. they dont know he’s addicted they dont know anything it’s literally just because dean#sees sam drink blood and he freaks out and somehow thinks he has the right to fucking trick him and lock him up god im so mad….#can u imagine. i just dont think their relationship ever got over that. imagine knowing someone would do that to you#dean in s2 is all Omg i can’t kill sam :((( but he still accepts the idea that it’s his choice whether to do so. that all decisions about#sam are dean’s to make. dean can kill him if he wants. dean gets to lock him up if he misbehaves. it is harrowing!!!#the panic room is literally a punishment like there is NO reason why detoxing needed to be that hard#dean could’ve been with him talking to him it could’ve been something they approached together there are so many ways#he could’ve gone about it which still would’ve been fucked but would’ve been so much less worse#i literally cannot comprehend how you watch this show and come away thinking sam and dean are on equal footing#they hardly are from the start and they certainly arent after season 4.#after that stunt sam could kill dean and i’d support him#spn#oliver talks#sam winchester#sam & dean#spn s4
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WAIT!!! I just remembered something. Core memory unlocked but like-- slightly bad one. Is there long lasting damage to the stomach from being starved for long periods of time? I think my stomach got fucked cuz of that actually.
#aria rants#i was just listening to music and then sudden thought occurred to me like: ''whoa... wait a minute-- is my fucked up stomach a result#of the consequences of my actions in the past?'' it isnt as bad as it sounds-- i think-- but basically when i was still going to school#i REALLY DESPISED the school bathrooms. id go during the first year in elementary and HATED IT A LOT ever since so to make sure#i Very Rarely or Not Ever use it at all. id rarely eat. cuz my logic during then is: dont eat = dont need to drink water = no bathroom use#it was alright during elementary cuz school only lasted until 12 pm during then so i get to eat properly still (eat breakfast at home)#but it got worse during junior high. cuz id be going home in the afternoon around 3 pm? 4 pm? smth and yet-- i still continued to not eat#id eat only breakfast at home before going to school and never again unless i got Really hungry that id eat some snacks and proceed#to not drink anything at all. that continued on until senior high but its less bad cuz the bathroom in that school was Way Better#it was cleaner and less dirty so i didnt mind that one but i still refused to go anyway so id still rarely eat and drink#my mom would be packing foods for me to eat at school as a just in case i would eat em but i still didnt so id just eat those at home#the consequences of my actions haunts me even though years had gone by...
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There's always a slight yearning in the back of my mind wishing I had been born in the right place, time, family situation, income level, etc. to have just lived in one single house for my entire life. Imagine being born in a place that still suits you, even through all of your personal evolutions and etc. The idea of deep familiarity with an area because you've lived and explored it for 40+ years, being encased in a web of memories and connections. Being able to clean out your old childhood bedroom and find personal artifacts, to dig in the yard and remember. I know those lives can still be plenty imperfect, but there's just something so seemingly solid and stable and Grounding about it that I sometimes wish I could have.. (At least from my outside perspective as someone who's moved around a bit geographically and even within the same area, never lives in the same house/ apartment /etc. for more than a few years usually.) Like... having a place that is printed upon, fully your own, rather than chronically a visitor, every thought of a space always tempered with the notion that one day soon you'll have to pack it all up again, etc. There's something peaceful about the permanence.
#I think also because I'm a very nostalgic person - THOUGH not in the way that somep poeple mean when they say nostalgia because I've realiz#ed that to some people apparently it means like.. more of a sad emotional thing? Or when I talk about being nostalgic they say 'me too' and#then describe how they're always depressed dwelling on the past wishing they could revisit it and replaying it and feeling sad and etc.#Whereas for me - it's not in a deep or emotional way at all. It's very detached - kind of like someone who is doing like a scientific#cataloguing of something? I don't feel any remorse or sadness or longing or sitting there sobbing for hours over people/pets I've lost or#etc. It's more like a fun contemplative excercise and extension of self analysis plus just documentation. Like I know your memory fades as#you get older OR even as stuff is actively ongoing humans have terrible recall - even the ones who are less emotional/more focused on#accuracy our minds still twist things or etc. SO I looove to have documentations of everything possible so that in the future I will have#as full and complete of a view of myself as I possibly can. sure the image will undoubtedly be a little distorted but having real evidence#of how something was at a time is very valuable. You look through old messages or letters or something and you always find other alternate#versions of yourself. Not in a worse way like inherently inferior Previous Models Of You who haven't yet been perfected but even just in a#neutral way like 'what they're saying is not a BAd thing but also is not how I would say that today.' etc. ANYWAY I find it really interest#ing to document and remember things and love revisiting the past - not in a sad way - but just like. curiosity. reminiscing and recalling#and filling in gaps. or trying to have the same feeling I felt at a previous time so I can remember what it was. Collecting information for#documentation purposes. Like for example - I would love to go back and tour all of my old childhood houses/apartments. Not to like#sit in the middleof them and cry and go 'ohhh my childhood waughhh' - but literally because I want to take detailed photographs so I#can remeber exatly what they looked like and recreate them in sims or some other digital way. Why? idk. just to gather the information. If#I ever live to like 80 years old and I'm still reflecting on my life curious about the dteails of it. I want to be able to fire up my#ancient windows 10 laptop I've kept all these years and open up the sims 4 and tour my old home with accuracy etc. ??#Not sure why really. Maybe an extension of how I generally care a lot about having an 'accurate' view of things? Like I would rather be#accurate than be happy. I don't understand 'ignorance is bliss' because I would always rather know. I always always in any situation am mor#focused on 'what is the well researched practical truth' than about 'how does this make me feel' or etc. Truth above ALL else even if it#were to make me miserable. Aka why I'm a 'boring' 'annoying' 'UM actually..' type of killjoy lol because it's very hard for me to understan#that some people can enjoy something or have a good time even not knowing the full facts of a situation or etc. BUT anyway. since that is#some core driver of my personality for whatever reason (just the plague of ennegram type 5 perhaps lol) maybe that also drives me to my#kind of minor obsession with like 'I must have a complete view and calatoguing of my life that is as accurate as possible within the means#i have' . Is it REALLY important for me to know the exact layout of on of my first childhood bedrooms? no. materially it does nothing for m#in life. BUT hey. it would make a great addition to the Accurate Life Story Catalogue lol. ANYWAY.. But I think a lot of wanting to live in#one place forever is not just the ease of documentation. but the sense of having a constant. Much of what i crave most in life is stability#& familiarity &routine bc of how my brain works. And it just would feel so good to be Settled. Never uproot again. One little place FOREVER
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i was going to make a post telling yall to stop calling godzilla minus one a low-budget film (because it isn't) but then i remembered disney regularly drops 12 million for ONE EPISODE of their shows without nearly the same cultural impact so. yeah godzilla is low-budget as far as i'm concerned idc
#uhhhh me#film budget is such an interesting thing to think abt#for those curious: godzilla had a budget of 10 million#which seems like a lot until you compare it to an average hollywood action movie which is like. 100 million easy#incidentally that is oppenheimer's budget!#so seeing that you go wow! why the discrepency?#as far as i can figure. american movies go for the big mass appeal so they'll out more money into international releases etc#whereas japanese films only rly care about domestic release so they save a stupid amount of money there#(i'm sure there's more to this and i have my theories but i don't have hard data rn to back it up so i won't say it)#so anyway. 10 mil is a very modest budget by hollywood standards but by japan standards it's above average actually#oh yeah the other thing about budgets i always come back to#is the fact the percy jackson show had 12 million per episode#but did not look or feel nearly as good as shadow and bone which had average 4 mil per episode. literally a third what percy had#the allegiant movie had an estimated ~120 mill budget and somehow was worse in every single way than the scorch trials movie#which had 61 mil. HALF what allegiant had and yet literally everything about it was more pleasing#one of my fave sci-fi films prospect has less than 4 mil budget and yes you could tell the cgi was unreal sometimes#it was done in a way that looked artistic instead of cheap and glossy#and i would watch that over whatever new movie the mcu pops out with like. 200 mil budget that somehow looks uglier-#-than a movie on 4 mil#oh my god what in the fucking world. antman 3 had 300 million. whomst.#and the movie didn't even look good? the audacity#7 times prospect's budget and looks like shit#anyway. budget is a weird thing#it rly comes down to who's handling the project and how smartly they use that money#oh ya the other thing i was gonna say is i do think there's a difference between 'low budget film' and 'film with a lower budget'#i think godzilla is a lower budget film (comparatively to hollywood) but not a low budget film. if you catch my drift.
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and then an overwhelming sense of dread apear.
#finished my last exam for this year YAY YIPPEE YAHOO ETC. but also now we wait for if i pass or not DREAD FEAR WARINESS ETC.#which i rlly don't think i will like. did not feel good abt the 1st exam period felt worse abt the 2nd and this one is like.....idk idk...#pretty confident abt the books part of the exam bc i KNOW i got everything on that correct but the thing is it was an oral exam and i was#stumbling over my words so bad + my voice was quivering i could hear it. hoping they don't count that as minus points but for the speech#thing i also had to do 2day they DO include how your voice sounds when you speak and like stammering and such in the final point count so#like. what if it's the same there.....ALSO they include use of gesturing to emphasize what you're saying and CORRECT EYE CONTACT in the#final point count. which. i don't have a problem with gesturing & i had a piece of paper in my hands so at least i wasn't too bad on that#front but when it comes to eye contact it's only flitting eyes or unnerving stare with me and nothing in between so i'm completely fucked i#that regard.#r.txt#WHATEVER it's done now. stupid ass weird rules WHO CARES if i don't have correct usage of eye contact what even is correct usage of eye#contact?????? like HOW am i supposed to know what the quote correct amount unquote is man. ALSO WHO GIVE A SHIT.#anyway going 2 luxembourg with my family for two weeks on august 5th probably. maybe sooner maybe later. we're going hiking + camping ⛺🌲👣#but the hiking is mostly done without backpacks and the camping is gonna be in campings. camping places. however english calls it.#which is a little less fun but also easier. but also less fun. but ANYWAY we're going on vacation and my final exam is done so no more#stress 💪🥳🙏🗣💥‼ (<- guy who's SO gonna be still having stress until the results come in. and then some afterwards. yay 4 me 🙂👍)
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I hate when I get into these phases when once I process through one thing causing me anxiety there's another thing right behind it
#we've moved on to ye olde ''what if i have repressed memories and horrible things have happened that I don't remember''#which...#like...#to some degree you have to go with a schrodinger answer. like... it's inherently not true#but the weird part is that I have weird anxiety when I think about certain family members bc of this#but when I'm actually around them it's no more uncomfortable than any family member you're not around often#so I'm like OH NO WHAT IF SAID FAMILY MEMBER WHO I HAVEN'T SEEN IN YEARS DID SOMETHING TO ME#BUT I REPRESSED IT#and like... a what if is just a what if. do I believe it? no. do I fixate on it and get wildly afraid? sometimes#also it's not even consistent sometimes I'm like ah yes family member I haven't seen in ages I wonder what he's up to#and then other times it's like I'VE HEARD SO MANY STORIES OF FAMILY MEMBERS RAPING THEIR NIECES AND STUFF#WHAT IF THAT HAPPENED TO ME#actually I feel like watching law and order SVU made a lot of these anxieties worse like that's part of why I stopped watching it#bc it exacerbates a lot of anxiety my mind tries to throw at me#anyway I do not actually think any family member has done anything and I don't actually believe I have repressed memories#or else I would have probably brought it up to my parents. I'm still like ''ooogh anxiety monster what if?'' about it tho#which is why we have philippians 4:8!! is is true? categorically due to being a ''what if'' anxiety — nope!! okiedoke moving on#k I just needed to talk through this I'm done now#*I'm barely any more uncomfortable than with any family member I haven't seen in a long time#(tbf I'm generally less comfortable with my dad's family bc 1) no female relatives other than grandma and 2) I see them way less often)
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every day I thank god fans aren't in charge of making updates to games
#unless ofc you play tf2#but STILL like. ive seen so many bullshit rebalances for spies and snipers#and like. ik the current system is plain tiring to fight against but these people WOULD MAKE IT WORSE#i just saw a post about fallout 4 changes#and some of them are obvious. like changing danses dialogue after blind betrayal etc#but like. NO. some of these.....#WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO REPAIR NICKS FACE?#1 thats his charm. hes old and broken down. 2 it would NOT help his identity issues#like this is the face and hes made it his own. hes no longer an institute synth AND he's no longer the pre-war human detective valentine#also romancing him....eh. i admit i would also love to romance him#but to quote one of the disco elysium creators: the thing about desires is that theyre much stronger when theyre not fully satiated#thered for sure be still nick simpers ofc. as am i. but imo i think thered be less#and again coming back to tf2. i saw recently a post on reddit that made a concept sapper for spy to use on medics#and like please 😭😭😭you want to sap the medigun? you want to sap übercharge? you want to hurt medics EVEN MORE?#playing med well is hard enough as is normal girl. there was a comment down below saying that the spy should have sappers for each class#and WHAT. STOP. the spy ALREADY has a way to hurt all classes!#if he gets close enough he either dies immediately or backstabs! why do you want to sap too!#and spy is already SPECIFICALLY a counter to engie! and gets countered by pyro! its a good balance imo#ofc theres some tweaks to be made for each class but CMON. thatd be a HUGE rework for spy#and some other comment said that a sapped medigun should hurt teammates. FRIENDLY FIRE IS EXPLICITLY NOT A THING!!!#we should bully spy mains more btw#okay. bitching over. sorry#i have more to say but ughhhhhhhh#thatd be pretty much just repeating what i already said basically#mine#rant
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who wants 2 recreate some trauma but worse?♡♡♡
#turns out its a flashbacks day in general good 2 know lol#might as well use it lol jk def gna sexualise it how i can or something idk the issue is its mainly the 2 i havent uh gotten over as ez bc#i have more memory unfortunately lol others i hav less or none bc i was *unconscious* idk y i felt i had 2 type it like that lol#easier to sexualise things you already were like yeah but did that 2 myself 4 years b4 anyone was like hey..... uh what?#less easy to sexualise other things but one i manage to one havent figured it out ngl besides the recreating it same place but worse ngl idk#batbaby rambles
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musing in the tags about the view two years out from my hysterectomy and the shifting nature of neuropathy. i asked my PT for recommendations/resources pertaining to pain science and that's been a very helpful lenses to have. i'm still not back to normal, will never be unmarked by this experience or return to my pre-op self, but my baseline has been gradually increasing over the last few months, and it feels good to look back on the last two years and say "i have no idea how i managed to function while living with that, but i did!"
#meatsuit renno#chronic blogging#ctxt#at first post-hysto pain was a deep burning ache#and eventually that lessened on my left side and settled in for the long haul on the right#after a couple weeks it had started to feel like a small carnivorous creature scrabbling and gnawing at the inside of my abdomen#nestled into the hollow of my pelvis and reaching up with its raking claws#about 6 months in and the creature still chewed occasionally but had shrunk to the size of a tennis ball under my right incision site#it clamped its jaws down and went to sleep and i perpetually felt like someone had pinched a fold of my insides with a large binder clip#this constant awful twisting tug every time i moved that kept me from straightening up or breathing fully#this is about a year into recovery and my original surgeon has blown off my requests for follow-up treatment three times now#i carried on as best i could. fatigue and brainfog getting worse & worse as the pain wore on unrelentingly#about a year and a half into recovery it worsened again. searing lancing pain like i'd been impaled on a piece of white hot rebar#couldn't hardly move. couldn't think straight. couldn't sleep#finally checked myself into urgent care & then the ER just to try to get someone anyone to take me seriously and help me#finally got a referral to a new surgeon who immediately pinned it as extreme neuropathy#started gabapentin end of december last year and the relief was immediately#i never thought i would welcome the gritted teeth vice grip of my little feral pain creature#but when i felt the molten spike slide out to be replaced once more by its worrying jaws#the intermittent spark and fizzle of that pinching squirming pain was a dramatic improvement#then i started PT in march and slowly so slowly the creature's hungry grip is loosening#it still clamps down occasionally. maybe once every week or two i'll have a day when i just accept#that there will be a horrible little creature chewing on my right side from the inside#but nowadays with the gabapentin doing as much as it can and an exercise routine i must stick to religiously to supplement PT#the pain is more of a little pearl of dark matter shifting around under my skin#it's incredibly dense. the heart of a black hole of disabling agony. all that white hot fury condensed into a slick heavy marble#as i recover some of my strength and energy i can feel my body coating it in nacreous layers to minimize its influence#my hysterectomy was 2 years and 4 days ago today and i feel like i can finally finally say i'm beginning to truly heal#i suspect i'll always carry this pearl in my side like shrapnel. product of damaged nerve tissue that went untreated for far too long#i wish my original surgeon had been more competent more attentive less lazy & indifferent to my pain. but i still don't have any regrets.
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my beloved imac from 2014 with a cracked screen that i conned my dad into giving me so i had a computer on which to do stupid freelancer shit for him but use primarily for personal use (file storage, use appletv to play streaming sites on our actual tv, play sims) seems to be……engaging in behaviors that for lack of a better way to put this best resemble when my elderly cat started having seizures after a hard summer of kidney problems and we had to be like. oh it’s the end the end? obviously less emotional than that but. you know. she’s had a long good life and maybe it’s her time. that’s okay. all things end. anyway. all this to say we are trying to coax her into not just waking up again but pretty please just giving me two files that are the backbone of the recurring stupid freelancer shit i do every month. please baby i have hand problems i can’t build those templates again. please.………
#also rip to my photos backed up there rip to my huge sims 4 cc folder#but those. well. everything is temporary all things end. i lost all my photos in 2017. i lived. besides most r still on my phone#bc that was a long term work in progress i’ve just been out of space on here for months LOL#but christ the system i have for those was a pain in the ass to set up and it wouldn’t be any less work this time#so eva’s trying to salvage them.…fingers crossed#we knew she was getting old but i kind of thought she’d last forever for her limited uses#like no she can’t take new software updates but she ran mostly smoothly!!! mostly!!!!#but wow she is. hmmmmmmm well she’s dying. Sad!#ok that’s all. pray for my stupid fucking powerpoints and their stupid fucking linked excel sheet#at least i don’t keep my writing on there LOL lotta school stuff but that’s…oh shit some of that might only be on the comp#oh wait no i think i used google drive for those so i could bounce back and forth w my ipad. ok good i had some good essays probably#but my 100k of fic work recently (guys it’s insane i’m writing a BIG FIC…and i’m doing it patience mode im fucking drafting the WHOLE THING)#THAT i back up. that i would be sad to lose. i am so glad i am not losing that. that would be worse than the freelancer bs by FAR#but wow i don’t want to remake those. but if i must i must……#eva’s trying…#a ten is blogging
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