#why do I feel completely repulsive and how do I explain this to other people

[xwiredearbuds2014x]

Late winter is for feeling vaguely disgusted with yourself without a good reason for it

[pistatsia]

OKAY so the only thing I want to say about yesterday's spoilers (Ness backstory) is that borderliner* Ness is canon now lol

✅ explosive anger

✅ feeling neglected, alone, misunderstood most of the time

✅ low self-esteem and the resulting self-hatred

✅ strong, overwhelming emotions

(feelings that can't be explained == too high (for average person) bursts of them. Inability to handle them)

✅ black and white thinking

(Isagi's either good (tosses to Kaiser) or bad (doesn't toss to Kaiser) lol)

✅ fear of abandonment + self-harm

✅ very intense, frequent, extreme emotional swings

(difference of one second)

(difference of one second pt.2)

✅ maladaptive daydreaming

✅ determining one's value through relationships with others

✅ unstable relationships

I'm really disappointed that chapter haven't shown Ness' attempts to gain his parents and siblings love but, eh, okay. I can work with that

*

A little background on who people with borderline personality disorder are and where do they come from. (Of course, each case is unique. I'm talking about the average manifestation of the disorder here.)

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a type of personality disorder in which a person is unstable, hypersensitive, highly anxious, and has no sense of self (no feeling of identity). One in ten patients end up committing suicide.

In fact, borderliners are people with no emotional skin. What for a stable person is a small domestic nuisance - for a borderliner is boundless terror, fear, a complete sense of helplessness and overwhelming self-loathing. Are you sick? It's your fault, you're worthless. You forgot your pass and had to buy an underground ticket? You're disgusting, step under a train right now. You forgot the food in the fridge and it spoilt? Don't you dare eat for another three days, punish yourself, cut yourself because you're nothing. That's not an exaggeration, it's true. And then you see an advert with a doggy and you laugh until you cry and all is fine.

It's like that dozens of times in one day.

Why do borderliners work this way? Heredity plays a role (which in Ness's case can be seen, for example, by the fact that he reacted acutely to some things even as a child), but to a greater extent, of course, the family, because when BPD is treated in the early stages, it is more easily reduced to remission (but does not disappear completely - it is like the core of the personality). Speaking of family types, typically borderliners come out of families with a narcissistic parent or the same borderline. Why exactly is that the case?

Because life with a narcissist/borderliner parent is an endless battlefield in which the child is forced to survive. Any emotion you have, if it doesn't fall under the parent's incomprehensible ideas, is repulsive. Any request you make and attempt to speak your mind is a violation of all laws and the worst offence. Today you're the golden child, tomorrow you're trash. Today your mom says she loves you, and tomorrow she blames you for divorcing your dad. Today dad likes the tea you made him, tomorrow he'll throw it in your face. It's a constant violation of personal space, an inability to have privacy, an impossibility to defend your interests - and yet a staggering neglect, a removal of the child from your life. Parents in such families usually divide their children into "golden" and "outcast" children, emphasising in every possible way how terrible the lousy sheep of the family (the outcast child) is, and encouraging bullying by their siblings.

Sounds similar to Ness's story, doesn't it?

In such families, the child by the age of 6 or 7 already knows that he is disgusting, horrible, and must do anything to avoid being abandoned - because the parents emphasise in every possible way that he is horrible, but they (for now) keep him out of mercy. A child learns by the slightest movement of the eyebrows and corner of the mouth to know when mom loves you and when she hates you, when dad is good and when he's bad.

The childhood of such children is a battlefield, and they come out of it emotionally disabled. For example, a very common consequence of living in such a family, in addition to BPD, is PTSD. Yeah, like war veterans.

(and by the way, borderliners VERY often end up paired with… Narcissists. Because it's a familiar love-hate game. And on top of that, also a beautiful (non-existent) personality to take a bite out of for your non-existent self))

-------

(if it seems like I'm somehow writing about borderline disorder a bit too unkindly - I love Ness and sympathise with him. It's me whom I don't love lol)

[lastoneout]

CW: Discussions of weight loss, fatphobia, eating disorders, and cancer.

I still cannot get over how when I dropped 30lbs in part because I had a massive IBS flare for like two months that was so bad I was going to get multiple tests to make sure I didn't have cancer and yet I could not and STILL can't even mention it to a doctor(or most people) without them congratulating me. Like there are a few things a doctor can say that piss me the fuck off but congratulating me for dropping 30lbs during a period of my life where I thought I might be DYING instantly makes me hate them. I'm STILL having to say "I got really sick and lost 30lbs" to make people shut the fuck up. I was getting skinny so fast it was scaring my family AND me but whatever I guess being skinny is SO great and I should be thankful I went through hell that permanently changed my body in a way that I genuinely don't like!

'Cuz that's the other thing, I don't like how I look now. I gained like ~8lbs when I was in bed with the blood clot and ngl I started actually liking the way my body looked again. I don't like how I look rn, my fiance does(he loves how I look 100% of the time and I appreciate that endlessly) but even he admits I looked happier and healthier when I weighed 160lbs and now I kinda just look like I'm exhausted. When I got up to 143lbs I was looking in the mirror like "oh, I almost look like myself again, I forgot what it felt like to be happy with my body" like I looked healthier!! But nah the weight is already falling off because 135lbs is my new baseline and there's nothing I can do about that. (Also I hated how I had to get new knee braces made because my old ones don't fit anymore and I had to buy new clothes because the ones I enjoyed don't fit anymore and augh the only thing that is making me like my body rn is dressing butch, if I didn't have that I'd be going insane.) And I still have to deal with people acting like this thing that has legit ruined years of body positivity work is a good thing. Because at least I'm skinnier.

Society is so sickeningly "skinny positive" it legit disgusts me. And like this isn't even a drop in the bucket compared to what fat people go through, and it's why I'm so fucking passionate about fat liberation, I've watched tons of people I love completely destroy themselves to look more like me and I have to sit here and not only feel awful because I love them and don't want them to have to go through this but also because I know even looking like me wont be enough. Doctors still tell me to lose weight because I'm like a couple of lbs outside of "healthy" on the BMI scale, which is insane I weigh less than 10lbs more than I did when I was SIXTEEN atm and I can't say anything because I know they won't listen if I explain that even just being this thin is making me hate myself and feel like shit.

Fatphobia is so fucking evil. It absolutely destroys people. I genuinely baffles me that most skinny people can't see it because it's being used against us too, just in an affirming way and to me that is genuinely repulsive. Every compliment on my weight loss makes me want to punch through a brick wall. Knowing my story is going to be used to bludgeon other people with my condition becuase I lost weight without doing anything so "everyone" should be able to makes me so angry I could cry. It actually makes me feel sick to be praised for this, to know I'm a "success" story, to be lumped in with people who hate the people I love for the way their bodies naturally are, who want my loved ones to destroy themselves, who think I'm better than them when I am absolutely not.

Fat liberation is what we need to work towards, not "skinny positivity" or whatever, this is a systemic issue just like sexism and racism and homophobia and ableism and it must be dismantled if we want to create a better world for us all.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I (27m) the asshole for wanting my boyfriend (28m) to be attracted to me?

This involves sex as a topic but won't get explicit, I'll keep it vague. I'm asexual. Completely sex repulsed in a physical sense, mostly due to autistic sensory issues. I've never had any interest in sex and didn't have any libido at all before going on testosterone, so the way most allosexuals tend to view and think of sex is something I've always struggled to understand.

In previous relationships, my asexuality was handled in different ways depending on the person. One boyfriend was totally fine just not having a sexual aspect to our relationship, another one had a hookup he got my approval on. The compromise me and my last boyfriend came up with was that he'd text me his fantasies about me and that did a lot for him without me having to physically be in the situation, and even if I didn't get anything sexual out of it I did enjoy it. It was a confidence boost. I dont generally consider myself attractive or desirable, i wear sweaters in summer because im so self conscious, and this compromise actually did a lot to help me see myself in a different light.

I recently got into a new relationship and, as with every relationship I've been in, there's inevitably a discussion about how we're going to compromise on this issue. My new boyfriend didn't know anything about asexuality and barely understood when I explained but he's very insistent about not crossing my boundaries, which I appreciate. But the problem is, since he'd never considered sexuality from a less direct angle, he didn't really know where to even start with ideas when we were trying to work out a compromise. So, I started making suggestions, thinking back to what worked for other people I'd dated. Just abstaining wasn't going to be doable for him so I didn't suggest it, and he wouldn't be comfortable with a hookup.

I remembered my ex used to be able to get something out of telling me about his fantasies so I asked if that was something he'd be into. I wasn't angling to try to get him to agree to something, I genuinely just wanted to know whether or not that was an option to consider. He didn't actually answer at first, he went quiet and then he answered the question with another question and asked "wouldn't something like that make you uncomfortable?" And I said "no, because the physical component is the thing I have issues with, not the subject matter itself. So long as I don't have to directly engage in the situation, I'm golden."

I don't know if this is something that was really stupid of me to say and my autistic ass just didn't realize, but since he's so careful about my boundaries and comfort and tends to fret, I thought his problem in the moment was worry that I'd be making myself uncomfortable in an attempt to meet his needs. So I hurried to reassure him and said not only would it not make me uncomfortable, I'd enjoy it in a way. Not sexually, but I enjoy knowing that my partner is attracted to me. It makes me feel good about myself.

He got really upset. He doesn’t get upset easily and hadn't ever gotten properly upset with me before (at least not to this extent) so I was very taken aback, but I was floored by his reason for being upset. Not word for word, but he essentially said "so basically you want me to frustrate myself to feed your ego?"

I was, I think understandably, completely fucking appalled by such a suggestion. I said of course not, I was just suggesting something I knew worked for someone else because even if it wasn't his thing, we could narrow down options by process of elimination. Which made logical sense, to me. He wasn't calmed though, he started saying things like "so, you want your partner to be attracted to you even though you never plan on actually letting them act on that attraction? Do you see how cruel that is?" And... I don’t know, which is why I'm submitting this here. Is that cruel?

From my perspective, I would think it's only natural to want to know your partner finds you attractive, doesn't everyone want to be wanted to some degree? I don't get some sort of sadistic thrill out of it as he seemed to be implying, and I don't want it to impact my partners in a negative way. If this was something he would find frustrating then no, of course I wouldn't want him to frustrate himself, we could look at other options. When I made the suggestion, I figured the worst that would happen was he'd say no and we'd narrow down the list of options. I never imagined my moral character would be called into question.

He's usually so, so nice to me and it hit really hard for someone who’s usually so fond of me to say I sounded selfish and vain. Both actual words he used when this devolved into an argument. I explained my reasoning for suggesting it to begin with but he said the issue isn’t the suggestion, it's that he thinks that it's fucked up of me to want my partner to be attracted to me when I'm not going to indulge that attraction and it makes him wonder if I'm really a different, worse person deep down and he's only now getting to see it. He called it a red flag. That seemed like such a leap to me but I don't want to dismiss the suggestion out of hand. Many bad people think they're good people, so it's not out of the question.

This was our first real argument, previous disagreements had been talked out very calmly but emotions ran high with this one. I dont know if this is something that triggered him for deeper reasons, considering his reaction was so intensely out of the norm for him, or if the whole thing just looks entirely different from the perspective of someone who isn't sex repulsed.

Am I the asshole here? Is it really as fucked up as he says that I enjoy knowing my partner is attracted to me even though I won't agree to have sex with them?

We didn't discuss the topic any more that night, and it hasn't been brought up since. He hasn't been treating me differently than before, but he's always proactively apologized before when he was in the wrong about things and he hasn't this time, so to me that says he still stands by what he said. His words have stuck with me and they’re eating at me. I feel like such a horrible person, and I have no idea if I should feel more or less guilty about this.

Tl;dr: my boyfriend is upset that I like knowing my partners are attracted to me even though I don't want to and don't intend to have sex with them bc he thinks that's majorly fucked up and a red flag.

What are these acronyms?

[yansimstorythatiwillnotworkon]

#15(.5)

Friday

__

Horuda was ashamed to walk through the schools after this incident. Rather than just a chunk, her hair had been completely cut into some… atrociously uneven bob. She did her best to avoid the staff and Amise especially. God knows she’d certainly have something to say about this. It was only a miracle that they’d left her front bangs alone. At the very least, she still had some hair to hide behind rather than explaining to her peers what had happened.

She was barely injured, some aching scalp here, perhaps some emotional trauma there, but all in all there were no physical marks left on her body to show that she was, in fact, assaulted. Then again, the horrified look on some of her peer’s faces made her feel like she was badly beaten. Now that the gracious haircut Hoshiko had given her had led to Horuda being noticed even more than usual, Horuda felt… bare.

As if the blanket of ignorance she’d placed over herself for others to… not see was snatched from her. Now she stood alone, with no cover, several pairs of eyes on her. She hated it.

Thankfully, unlike the Horuda from middle school, she had thought of a way to… somewhat fix her problem. Or at least, she sincerely hoped it would. Horuda slowly shuffled outside, her head hung and her long skirt almost making her trip as she trudged past her peers. She looked to the left, to the path that led to the incinerator. That was her plan. They were her plan.

Horuda thought back to the incident that had happened just earlier that day, around lunch.

_

Thanks to the pain of having her hair yanked and messily cut off, Horuda was showing those ugly tears that her peers hated so much. She hoped that maybe the smile that had stained itself on her face made up for it, but it likely made her look even more horrid than usual.

She was sure that even Hoshiko thought that, even if she didn’t say so.

As Hoshiko knelt down to Horuda, the pair of scissors in her right hand, Horuda instinctively held her hands up to her head, as if that was going to help her in some way. The tiles of Hoshiko’s favorite bathroom felt uninviting on Horuda’s knees. She wished Hoshiko could feel this way as well, but even knelt down, Hoshiko was still above her. As per usual.

Gently, and way too softly for Horuda to feel comfortable, Hoshiko lifted up Horuda’s chin with her free hand. She brushed the thick fringe of hair that covered Horuda’s face out of the way, giving her a kind smile. Horuda hated when people looked at her face. “You look so pretty, Horuda.” Hoshiko said in a soft tone. A soft tone that successfully distracted Horuda from noticing Hoshiko’s right hand lifting up to snag off another piece of hair with the scissors.

“But you have too much hair. Do you know how ugly that makes you look?” Hoshiko asked, her expression changing to one of faux distress and pity. As if she actually felt bad that Horuda was as repulsive as she was. When Horuda fails to answer, Hoshiko shakes her head with a disappointed frown. “Yeah. I feel like if you did you’d put an effort into… anything. I wonder why anyone would like you…”

As Hoshiko thought of some half-assed answer to her own statement, Horuda’s hand reached to Hoshiko’s bag, which was just in her reach. She didn’t know what she was going to do, but she did know the consequences of getting caught. What else did she have to lose, anyway? Any more damage and Hoshiko would surely get in trouble. She knew that. Hoshiko was too smart to get in trouble.

Slowly, Horuda inches Hoshiko’s phone into her hand, and slides it beneath her own skirt. As she did, Hoshiko’s eyes lit up. “Ah, I know… you’d make such a good pet. You know, like those really ugly dogs with some sort of physical disability? The ones that social media influencers have and post about occasionally to remind their following that they’re a great person? I know you know what I mean.. You’d make such a good�� dog..”

Hoshiko suddenly picks up footsteps walking too close to the bathroom for her liking. She stands up, slipping the scissors into her bag and lifting said bag over her shoulder. “Consider this my retaliation for finding a new hiding spot. The roof suited you better.” The gyaru says with her usual sweet smile, before pointing to the chunks of hair scattered on the bathroom floor. “Make sure to clean all this up. Your peers will hate you more if you leave a big mess like this here.” She claims, walking out of the room, as usual, scot-free from trouble.

_

Horuda hardly had a plan. In fact, she couldn’t even call this idea a plan, it could just be her wishful thinking. The weight of her anxiety seemed to slow herself down until she was completely still in front of the incinerator. She’d already gained the attention of the delinquents, who all sent raised eyebrows or glares her way.

“The Hell do you want?” Gaku asked, taking a few long strides towards Horuda. She stiffened at his proximity as he gave her a threatening look, but could barely bring herself to speak.

“...the- ahem… uh, I… i-it’s..” Horuda already thought of several ways this conversation could go. And none of them included her speaking coherently. At least she could predict that much.

“Gaku.” Hayanari called in a quiet tone, urging the red-shirt delinquent to come back. He did reluctantly, and Horuda’s shoulders became less tense.

“Well?” Umeji, the labeled leader of the group, crossed his arms as he asked her this. He was leaned against the chainmail fence of the incinerator area, looking at her harshly but expectantly.

Horuda, still unable to think of any words, shakily pushed her hand into the pocket of her skirt. She took out Hoshiko’s phone, which still had the screen on in order to keep it from locking. She didn’t know the password, so all she could do was keep it plugged in and set her phone so that the screen never turned off automatically. Slowly, she stepped towards Umeji and held the phone up to him, although her gaze remained on her shoes.

Umeji looked at the phone, and then to Horuda’s bowed head. “You’d better plan on saying something.” He grumbled, keeping his arms folded to show that he didn’t plan on taking it yet.

Letting out a shaky breath, Horuda mumbled her response. Umeji still couldn’t hear her, and leaned down to look at her past her bangs. “What’s your tongue for? Use it.” He ordered her, glaring at her.

Horuda immediately turned her gaze away, her face pale. She always did hate eye contact. “..it’s Hoshiko’s phone. Sh…She has a special folder..” She shakily raised the phone to him again. “...in her files… it… it’s about you all…”

Rather than Umeji, Hayanari took the phone, and went to the files in Hoshiko’s phone immediately. After looking through them a bit, he showed the phone to Umeji, while Hokuto leaned over to get a look as well.

Horuda already knew what they’d seen, of course. She took the liberty of looking through it first. Apparently, it was some special file she shared with the other bullies. She had several, all of which she was the host of, that had different bits of secret information and gossip about several students and groups in the school. “The delinquents” included.

“That bitch really..” Hokuto looked wide-eyed at the phone, but went quiet when Umeji elbowed him lightly in the stomach.

Umeji lowered the phone to look back at Horuda, and she immediately stuttered out. “Don–Don’t turn it off… it’ll lock and I… I don’t know the password..” She murmured, picking at her fingers nervously.

After a moment of silence, Umeji hands the phone to Hayanari again. “So, do you expect to get something back for this, or what?” He asks, crossing his arms again.

“Y..Yes…” Horuda nods, before immediately shaking her head, “Not- not like blackmail or… or anything, I- um- I-I want…” She pointed a finger towards the incinerator.

Umeji gave her another judgemental look and she slowly continued. “..the incinerator- uh, well, not the incinerator, but, I- u-uhm…”

“You want to hide in the incinerator area so those girls stop messing with you.” Hayanari speaks up, tilting the phone a bit to show Umeji whatever it was that he was looking at.

If Horuda had to make a guess, she’d guess that Hayanari had found the recent pictures that Hoshiko took while she was cutting off Horuda’s hair. Immediately feeling self-conscious, Horuda lifted a hand to tug on one of the longer chunks of hair nervously. “Yes, please.” She whispers, nodding at Hayanari’s assumption.

Umeji stared at the picture for a bit longer than she would have liked, and she slowly felt herself shrinking into herself. Part of her wanted to say “nevermind” and run away, but the rest of her was settled at the bottom of her feet, weighing her down from moving. With a quiet sigh, Umeji leans back against the fence with a frown. “Fine.” He nods to the opening of the incinerator area. “Don’t make a sound.”

Horuda immediately bows deeply and squeaks out a quick, “Okay!” Before slipping into the incinerator and closing the door behind her. The delinquents could still see her, even as she huddled over on top of a knocked over garbage bin in the farthest corner from them. Still, Horuda finally felt… comfortable here at school. Finally, somewhere where she could sit and be alone. It felt almost like her room, and part of Horuda finally felt more relaxed.

Horuda didn’t have anything to do. She didn’t bring a book, her notebook, and she didn’t have a phone to look at. All she had was herself, her thoughts, and the hushed whispers of the delinquents.

“..you’re just gonna leave her there?” Hokuto whispered in a tone that almost sounded like a teasing scolding.

“The hell do you mean?” Umeji grumbled back, glaring at his companion.

“You know what I mean. Look at her.” Hokuto nodded to Horuda’s huddled up form, which in turn caused all five of the boys to look her way.

She wasn’t doing anything, of course. She was just sitting with her knees to her chest, comfortably. Hugging herself was the most physical contact that Horuda allowed herself to feel, so she felt quite comfortable, even if she was on top of a bunch of trash and scraps.

Umeji shrugs. “She looks content.”

Hokuto gives him a slight shove, coaxing a low grumble from Umeji as he walks into the incinerator area. He begrudgingly made his way over to Horuda and stopped in front of her. She raised her head a bit to show that she acknowledged his presence, but still didn’t lift her head enough to meet his gaze.

“What’re you gonna do on Monday, then?” Umeji asked with no prior context, receiving a snide remark from Hokuto after doing so.

“...huh?” Horuda looked up a little more, but as soon as she caught his gaze she looked back down. “..I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She murmured, pulling on the sleeves of her sweater slightly.

Umeji pauses for a second, before continuing while stuffing his hands in his pockets. “I’m guessing you want to come back here Monday. So, what are you gonna offer, then?” He asks again.

Horuda presses her lips together, before looking back down to her knees. “I’m not sure. What do you want me to do?” She questions quietly, tapping her knees stiffly as a way to keep herself calm.

With one last glance to his group, Umeji sighs and takes a step back. “C’mon.” He says, not waiting for Horuda to get up before walking out of the incinerator area.

Horuda stumbles to her feet and quickly follows after him to wherever it was he was taking her. She realized how fast people walked when she found herself constantly having to speed up in order to catch up to him.

Out of breath but finally stopped, Horuda raises her head to see where exactly Umeji has taken her. As it turns out, it was just… the plaza. The far corner of the plaza, at least. Umeji leans against the wall and folds his arms, likely to remain unnoticed by his peers.

Standing up straighter rather than being hunched over and out of breath, Horuda shuffles up next to him. “Wh..What are we doing here?” She asks quietly, tugging on her sleeve.

“I need some money.” Umeji states under his breath, not giving any more context to that.

“Oh.” Horuda puts her hands in the pocket of her sweater, checking both before pulling out a total of 13 dollars. She holds it up to her, surprising Umeij a bit as he turns his head back to face her.

“Not..” Umeji sighs, putting her hands down. “Not yours. Theirs.” He nods his head to the general area, to the students wandering about and minding their business.

Horuda presses her lips together and furrows her eyebrows. “...you want me to steal?”

“Yeah.” Umeji says blandly, nodding again. “Go on.”

“Mm…” Horuda hums uncomfortably, but does shuffle over to a nearby tree to take a look around.

The first person she spotted was Beshi, who was sitting on a bench and scrolling on her phone. She was somewhat out of sight of the other students, and her bag was set underneath the bench, hopefully enough out of her sight. Even better, she had headphones on that was playing loud music that Horuda could hear from her current spot.

Slowly, Horuda walked over to Beshi, looking around to make sure that she didn’t catch the gaze of anyone else, which she usually didn’t have to worry about. The only reason she was really worrying about it now was because now she was actually doing something guilty. Other times she was accused of doing something bad just for being in the general area, so her best bet to be successful would be to just not be seen at all.

As slowly as she could, Horuda knelt down behind Beshi and reached her hand out to her bag. As she grabbed the strap, she looked around to see if she caught anyone else’s gaze, which she didn’t, thankfully. Another moment to be thankful for her peers’ lack of concern for her.

Even though she had the bag, Horuda didn’t want to risk Beshi turning around and seeing her, so she took a few steps back and hid behind another tree. Quickly, she rummaged through the bag, immediately finding a small bag of money inside. After a quick count, it looked as though Beshi was carrying at least 50 dollars in her bag, which was a lot to Horuda, but maybe that was normal for other students? And if that was normal, then maybe the students who were more notorious for having more money were carrying even more.

With that in mind, Horuda took 30 dollars from Beshi’s purse, and hesitantly put it back. Rather than looking for anyone else in the plaza, Horuda instead went into the hall and headed for the drama club, which was thankfully empty. Inside, Horuda found a few bags, although the one that caught her attention was the more extravagant one on the desk behind the divider. That one was definitely Kizana’s.

As soon as she grabbed it, she heard approaching voices, and hid behind the divider. The voices themselves seemed to belong to Kizana and Kokona.

“..oh, please, Kokona! This was an issue last year, when I suggested you get a different hairstyle.” Kizana hisses, making Horuda stiffen up at the closeness of her voice. She put the bag down and instead walked up to the mask set up, hoping that she could look as if she were admiring the masks instead of stealing from her peers.

“I know, Kizana, but I can’t really afford to change my hairstyle right now. Not to mention, I’m really only used to setting up drills. I-I’m not sure what other hairstyle I would know how to wear.” Kokona replies, her voice hesitant.

Horuda never understood how Kokona, or any of the drama club could handle Kizana’s shrill whining. If she had to hear that daily, she might’ve injured her ears just so she wouldn’t have to hear it.

“Oh, please, anyone can wear their hair down, Kokona. And before you say I can too, just know that I’ve– AAH!!” Kizana was continuing her rant and walking behind the divider when she spotted Horuda. For a moment, Horuda assumed that her very presence was that terrifying, but then she remembered the haircut.

Kokona quickly turned the corner to make sure nothing was on fire, but was only rewarded with the same shock that Kizana was feeling. Although, Kizana was definitely more mortified.

“...hi.” Horuda greeted quietly, but this only seemed to offend Kizana more deeply.

“Did you just greet me?! Looking like that?! I- Oh, my.. I think I feel lightheaded.” Kizana looked around frantically, panic set on her face. “My god, where is my purse?!” She finally spotted it and almost violently ripped out her wallet.

Kizana spent but a few seconds picking through the wallet, internally deciding how much to give Horuda before ultimately just throwing the whole thing at her. “Just-just take it! Take it all! You’d better come back with the most outstanding haircut these eyes have ever seen!” Kizana orders, nearly running Horuda over as she shoved her out of the room. “And do not step foot into my clubroom until you have!!”

With that, Kizana slams the door. This left Horuda somewhat confused, barely embarrassed, and with a lot more money than she planned on taking. Looking through the wallet informed Horuda that Kizana had, in fact, hundreds of dollars of cold, hard cash in the wallet she brought to school. Considering the fact that Horuda can barely take care of herself, she almost felt sick by the amount of money in her hands.

Still, this did complete her little mission for Umeji, regardless of what the end result for her was. Feeling accomplished, Horuda immediately went back into the plaza in order to find Umeji, who was in the same spot he was in when she left. She immediately held up the money to him and smiled nervously. “I-I got you money.”

Umeji lifts an eyebrow, before blinking in bewilderment at the amount in Horuda’s hands. “That… Where did you get all of that? It’s been, like, less than ten minutes.” He asks, folding his arms with a suspicious look on his face.

“Um- Kizana thought I looked ugly so she gave me this much to get my hair fixed.” Horuda says bluntly, not quite minding Umeji’s judgemental gaze, but still not being able to look him in the eyes. “I also took a bit from Beshi… not much, really.”

“...right.” Umeji eyes the money suspiciously, before taking it and shoving it in his pocket. “That’s your payment for Monday, then, I guess.” He nods his head, signaling for Horuda to follow him, which she did.

Horuda hesitantly clears her throat and speaks up as she follows Umeji back outside. “Coul… Um, could I run some errands for the other four? So, like, um… I-I could have payment for all of next week?”

Umeji lifts an eyebrow her way. “You plan on staying all of next week?” He asks, keeping his hands in his pocket as he looks back at her.

“Y-Yes… That was my… plan. For the rest of the school year, if I could. I-I’d do tasks every day if it meant those girls would leave me alone, hehe..” Horuda sweats a bit, not used to talking so much and immediately shutting up with her usual nervous smile.

When Umeji didn’t answer, she felt even more nervous and continued to explain. “I-I also prefer you all over the gyarus. Ahem- be-because you all don’t talk like the girls do.” She swallows thickly and continues her hushed ranting. “They- they like talking because I don’t talk. And because they like making up stories. Like- about how I act and stuff, hehe.. They’re good at that.”

Horuda pulls a hand up to her choppy hair as her face falls into a nervous frown rather than a smile. “But you guys don’t talk. You just sit, and glare sometimes. But you don’t really attack me if I don’t do anything. Which is good. I like not doing anything.” She falls silent, worried that her blabbing made her and Umeji’s walk more awkward.

The rest of the walk was silent, with Horuda genuinely being too scared to actually say anything. Still, in theory, this was way better than any interaction she could have with any of the bullies.

__

“On the topic of knives, I could probably give you a better cut with one.” Hokuto claims, looking down to Horuda. The next task she was offered was finding a knife for Hokuto. Apparently he was pretty interested in smithing, and wanted to see if Horuda had the guts to get him one. So, he was escorting her through the halls, waiting for her to decide to stop somewhere.

“Cut… oh, like-like haircut?” Horuda asks, for a moment thinking that he was threatening her. That assumption is something that she can definitely blame Hoshiko for.

Hokuto nodded with a brief hum. “Uh huh. I’m not sure how the staff lets you walk around like that. I’m not surprised, of course. They’ve all been pretty irresponsible.” He looks at her hair again, a smug grin on his face. “You look like…” He snaps his fingers as he recalls something. “Yeah, we once saw a badger get hit by a car. It was bent all wrong. Pretty gross.”

Horuda pressed her lips together and furrowed her eyebrows in thought. “...I..I look like a dead badger?”

“Yeah.” Is all Hokuto responded with, leaving Horuda to contemplate how she felt about that insult.

“..at least it’s more creative.” She mutters. Hokuto looks at her with a raised eyebrow, having not heard her and she repeats what she said. “I-I said at least your insult is more creative. Musume just calls everyone dumb, Hashiko messes up my hair and clothes and then insults me… Hana just calls me names that people used to call me in middle school, Kokoro says that she feels bad that I’ll never get a boyfriend, a-and Hoshiko usually just gives me fake, sarcastic compliments.”

“Fake how?” Hokuto asks.

Horuda clears her throat. “Yeah, like- um, when she was cutting my hair she said that I looked pretty but all of my hair made me look ugly- so, that’s why she cut my hair. I think.” She shrugs a bit, “But, I mean…” She holds a hand up to her hair now, showing him that regardless of what Hoshiko said, she still obviously didn’t have any good intentions.

“Hm.” Hokuto gives a short hum, thinking about Horuda’s explanation, but not saying anything else.

Horuda then stops outside of the Cooking Club. She points to the door and mumbles. “I’m- I’m going to go check in here. They probably have plenty of knives.” She says, receiving a brief nod from Hokuto.

Horuda quickly looks around the club room. It was empty and the lights on the dining side were off, likely because most of the club members weren’t at school today. After checking in the lowest draw, she finds a knife that looks as though it hasn’t been cut in a while. It had a little heart cut out of the corner of it. She wasn’t sure where it had come from, but it looked cute at the very least.

As she looked down at the knife in her hands, Horuda suddenly felt someone behind her. She whipped around with a quiet yelp, seeing that it was Akane. “Horuda… what are you doing with that?” Akane asks, her voice low and almost threatening. Despite the fact that Akane was smiling at all, it was clearly very forced. Or maybe a better way to describe it was that she was trying to keep it genuine, but it seemed more… malicious than it needed to be.

“I-I was…” Horuda’s breath almost abandons her completely, but she’s able to continue. “..I’m putting it… back.”

Being caught wasn’t really what Horuda was scared of. She was more so terrified of the thought of Akane doing something to her. Horuda wouldn’t call herself some sort of psychic, but regardless of Akane’s position, her friends, her personality, she’s always seemed so, so suspicious to Horuda. Something about that strange, fake smile just kept Horuda on edge whenever she was around her.

“Is that right..?” Akane’s grin widened, and she tilted her head to the side a bit. “I didn’t see you enter when I walked up, so you must have been in here for a while, right? And where were you bringing it from? There’s only been one Cooking Club member here since the week began and they’re required to put their items away. They haven’t left anything before to my knowledge, so why would they now?” She asked the shorter girl, her questioning hinting that she didn’t believe Horuda at all.

Horuda opens her mouth to respond, but can’t decide which one to answer first. “I–”

“Horuda Puresu..” Akane’s voice seems to deepen as she leans down to Horuda. “...you don’t have the best reputation, do you? How am I meant to know that you’re not causing trouble like usual? And even with a knife. Is that what you used to ruin your hair? Is it for attention?You can’t even give me a straight answer, can you?”

One thing that Horuda hated about herself was her inability to speak when it mattered. Horuda didn’t know, nor did she really care if Akane was internally just another bully or not, but it was nothing if not excess stress on her mind.

“I..” Horuda’s lip quivered, and she could barely bring herself to not cry out of frustration of the whole situation. “..I…”

Behind Akane, Horuda saw Kenko enter the Cooking Club, some form of cut fruit treat in his hand. He gave she and Akane a confused look, but ultimately ignored Akane and walked over to Horuda. “Hello, Horu…” He trails off, noticing her chopped up hairstyle. In the end he decides to just brush it off. “Horuda. Hello. It’s great that you’re visiting. What brings you here?” He asks with his usual smile.

Before Horuda can attempt to answer, Kenko notices the knife in her hand. “Oh, my. I’ve been looking for this for the longest time! Where did you find it?” He asks her, gently prying it from her hand.

“Th…In the, ah… the Home Ec room.” Horuda answers, finally, exhaling in relief. She had to be thankful to more social students. Thanks to Kenko being far more welcoming and less… accusatory than Akane, Horuda could finally find the courage to speak. “I…I saw that it was just on the floor and it didn’t look like it belonged, so I tried to bring it here to see if it went anywhere specific…”

“That makes sense. I didn’t realize it'd been on the floor somewhere, though. Strange.” Kenko shakes his head dismissively and puts it in a drawer just a few higher than the one she pulled it out of. “We’ve been looking for it since the beginning of the year. It was Amai’s favorite. I’m glad you found it!”

Kenko pulls one of the fruit kabobs from the bouquet of kabobs in his hand and hands it to Horuda. “Take this as a thanks. I’m sure Shoku and the others will appreciate this, so thank you!”

Horuda blinked and slowly took the treat. “Thanks… I- um- I mean you’re welcome.” She clears her throat hesitantly, and while trying her best to ignore Akane’s skeptical gaze, she walks over to the door to leave. I-I’m going to go now. Bye.”

Outside of the cooking club, Hokuto waited, looking at his phone. He looked back up, but instead of Horuda he looked at Akane through the window. “Ha. I’m surprised you got away from her.” He says, smirking. “I take it you didn’t get the knife, then?”

With a slow shake of her head, whatever color Horuda usually had returned to her face. “No, but, I, uh- I-I have a back-up idea.” She says, hesitantly standing next to Hokuto. Not too close, of course. “I want to wait for Akane to pass, though. She’s…”

“Terrifying, right?” Hokuto guessed, although he didn’t look particularly frightened himself.

“Something like that..” She mumbles in response, clearing her throat for the nth time. Akane walks past the two, offering them a forced smile before entering the Drama Club.

After another moment of silence, Horuda speaks up. “Um… I could be… wrong, of course, but, uh, you talk as if you know Akane. Do you?” She asks hesitantly, folding her hands together nervously.

“Everyone knows Akane.” Hokuto says with a brief roll of his eyes. Seeing as though his subtle mockery did nothing to really put Horuda to shame, he shrugs. “Yeah. We spoke often. If I didn’t hate her I’d admit that we were friends.”

“Friends with… Akane?” Horuda repeats in a tone of disbelief. “I know she had admirers, but… I don’t even think the other student council members are her…” She goes silent as Akane exits the drama club and enters the occult club, which was Horuda’s next stop. “..friends.”

Hokuto nods in agreement. “Yeah. She depends on those charming looks of hers to get what she wants.” He chuckles, watching as Akane leaves the Occult Club. “And who the hell knows what that is?”

__

Thankfully, Hokuto was pretty content with the labeled ritual knife from the Occult Club. It did hold a far more unique shape than anything from the Cooking Club, so it definitely fit Hokuto’s tastes.

Next was Gaku’s task. For a while, he was completely against getting any help from Horuda. She didn’t know if it was because he didn’t like her, if he was just stubborn or didn’t want to be indebted to anyone, but with enough pushing from his friends, he eventually agreed.

Apparently he wanted some sort of booze, although Horuda wasn’t sure where exactly she was supposed to get that. It was probably stupid of her to try and ask, but she attempted to anyway. With a nervous mumble, Horuda spoke up, “I–”

“--shut up.” Gaku immediately snapped at her, causing Horuda to go silent instantly.

It’s not like she could buy him one. And it’s not like any students brought any to school. Even Musume wasn’t interested, it was really just smoking that she liked doing in order to impress the others.

Horuda didn’t recall any of the teachers drinking, especially not during the job, but she did hear that the headmaster was a big alcoholic. Even so, he’s usually only out of his office when he’s on his lunch break, so he was likely in his office at this very moment. Even if he wasn’t, how would she know that he even had any alcohol in his office?

Gaku was leaving Horuda to figure all of this out, and was only accompanying her because the others told him to. Maybe it was to watch how she solved her problems? She didn’t know, really.

In a few minutes, they’d reached the headmasters office. Peeking in through the glass of the door proved that he was, in fact, in there. Horuda frowned, trying to think of some reason to get him out. If she made up some excuse he’d likely tell her to tell the teachers or guidance counselor about it. If she came up with something severe that turned out to be false, she’d likely get in deeper trouble than necessary.

Horuda nervously picked at a loose string from her sleeve. She often did, and tried not to pull it too much so that the whole sleeve didn’t eventually come apart. She looked around, trying her best to think of something. Technically this was just next Wednesday’s payment, so she could really do it any time before then. But, still, she didn’t want to make Gaku any more upset by wasting his time.

After one more second of thinking and feeling Gaku’s glare on her back, Horuda thought of something. Rather than the third floor, she descended to the first floor and headed to the drama club. She peeked inside, hoping that Kizana wasn’t still in here, her vocals ready to screech at the monstrosity that was Horuda’s haircut.

Thankfully, she wasn’t, which left Horuda the ability to quickly grab a nearby hairpin and leave the room. After trying to bend it with her fingers, Horuda found that she wasn’t able to bend it into the shape she needed. After a silent sigh, she turned to Gaku and held it out to him. “Can…can you bend this for me?” She asks quietly.

Gaku gives her a suspicious look, but seems to piece together what exactly Horuda was trying to make. Reluctantly, he grabs the hairpin and after a minute, is successfully able to bend it into shape. The only part that really mattered was the zig-zag type pattern that was made out of the hairpin, as that was the main function of a lockpick.

The hairpin hits Horuda’s face as Gaku flicks it back to her. “There.” He grumbles. The shape wasn’t perfect, but part of Horuda was sure that if she fixed it in any way, he’d get mad that she asked him for help and it still wasn’t good enough.

Horuda simply bows her head, “Thank you.” She says, before exiting the Drama Club.

Gaku followed her as she walked past the Occult Club and to the nearby storage room, which usually proved to be locked most of the time. After looking around briefly, she quickly leaned down to the door handle. After a bit of struggling, she begins to get more nervous. If this didn’t work and she was caught, there’s no doubt that whoever caught her would put together that she was picking the lock.

As Horuda bit her lip, she heard an exasperated sigh come from Gaku as he shoved her over. In just a few seconds, he had the door unlocked. He muttered something about her ‘not even being able to pick a lock’, but Horuda expected that much. “Thank you.” She murmurs again, before going inside the room and closing the door behind her.

The reason why this room was usually locked is because it was the only storage closet that held the circuit breaker for the school’s electricity. Reasonably so considering the school held pranksters, delinquents, and, well, people like Horuda.

It was thankfully easy enough to read the labels on the sides of the switches. It really just consisted of labels like “North 1st Floor Outlets” or “North 1st Floor Lights”, with that being repeated for each side of the school and each floor. In addition, there was also the same for the lights and outlets of the hallways.

In this case, Horuda would want to flick the switch labeled “South 3rd Floor Lights”, as that would cut the lights of the 3rd floor classrooms and the headmaster’s office. Hopefully, he would come out of his office and maybe ask some passing staff member about what’s happened with the lights. This would probably give Horuda enough time to rush in, look around the room, and hopefully find a bottle of alcohol laying around somewhere.

After flipping the switch, Horuda quickly walks over to the door again to open it, but finds that the knob is being held in place. She pauses in thought, wondering if Gaku was keeping her inside as some sort of prank. Then again, he and the others didn’t seem like the prankster type. She clearly just spent way too much time around the gyarus. Nonconsensually, of course.

“It isn’t every day that you or your friends are inside the school before classes.” Shiromi’s voice made itself heard when Horuda pressed her ear against the door.

“So?” Gaku sneers down at the girl, or at least tried to, as he was barely taller than she was.

“So, it’s weird.” Shiromi chuckles lightly, tilting her head to the side. “Weirdo.”

Gaku glares at Shiromi, clearly unamused- the polar opposite of Shiromi herself. “I don’t give a damn. You Student Council members are so nosey. You might have the title but you don’t have permission to harass me if you think I’m being weird.” He nods his head to the hallways, leaning against the door of the storage room. “If you’re so bothered by it then go bitch about it to the staff.”

Shiromi squints her eyes, her grin widening as she stares at Gaku in thought. “...hehe. If you say so..” She hums, folding her arms back behind her head before waltzing off with a light-hearted whistle.

Gaku rolls his eyes. “Fuckin’ freak.” He mutters, before opening the door. This nearly causes Horuda to stumble to the ground since she was leaning on the door. She almost yelps out in shock but is able to keep herself quiet.

“..s-sorry.” She murmurs, “Thank you for stalling.”

“Mm.” Gaku doesn’t bother responding much, so Horuda simply bows her head to him and walks up the stairs to the third floor. As she walked in front of the headmaster’s office, she saw that the headmaster really wasn’t in there. The door was left open a crack, though.

Horuda wanted to hesitate, but realized that if she did, it would be less likely that she would be able to get away with this. There was no guarantee that she would even find any alcohol in his office, but she’d already gotten this far. It was really now or never.

Apparently, though, she took too long to steel herself, as, with another loud groan, Gaku grabbed Horuda’s wrist and brought her inside of the office. He shoves her to the left side of the room. “Look over there. I know it’s here.” He orders.

Horuda didn’t hesitate this time. Frankly, she was way better at following orders than she was at taking initiative. So, she did a way better job at obeying Gaku than she did at trying to tell herself to go into the office.

After just a moment of searching, Horuda spotted a large bottle, just barely peeking out from behind the headmaster’s desk. “H..Here..!” She grabbed it quickly, but couldn’t bring herself to hold it for long. Holding this was definitely contraband, and being in the office was trespassing in its own right. There was only so much rule-breaking she could take at the moment.

Gaku grabbed it and immediately dragged her out of the office and down the hallway. They hid away in the boy’s restroom, and Gaku took the time to put the alcohol in his weapon’s bag. “..didn’t think you’d actually find it.” He comments, looking somewhat relieved himself to be out of there without having been caught.

Horuda simply nods with a long sigh of relief. Gaku walks out of the bathroom, not waiting for Horuda, so she had to catch up. “I didn’t think you had it in you to go through all that trouble, so I guess this is your… what, Wednesday payment? Whatever, this still doesn’t make us friends.”

“I-I don’t want to be friends. You don’t need to worry about that.” Horuda says, looking down to her skirt, really just grateful to have gotten out of that flawlessly.

“..good.” Is all Gaku says as he and Horuda walk back to the incinerator area.

__

“You’re going to steal from Musume?” Hayanari asks, looking surprised that Horuda would willingly go anywhere near the girl considering the suffering her group puts her through.

Horuda nods. “Yes.. She’s really mean but she’s also really… um… well, dumb.” She says, folding her hands together. “I’m sure I can convince her to give them up. Or, I guess just steal them. I’ll try that if the convincing fails.”

“Wouldn’t that just make you a prime suspect? Stupid or not, she’d probably just accuse you.” Hayanari points out, but still fails to make Horuda wary about her plan.

She shakes her head. “I was at home sick for a few days and Musume said I pre-planned manipulating her during a test she failed. She didn’t even fail, she was just anxious.”

Hayanari blinks, before scoffing. “This might be too easy.” He sighs, almost looking bored seeing as though this likely wouldn’t be much of a challenge.

The two arrived on the roof, and they spotted Musume chatting with Fureddo. Hayanari waited by the door, once again just seeming to be there to watch whatever Horuda was doing, like the others. She hoped that she wasn’t going through all of this effort just to end up being blackmailed or something.

Horuda approached the two, and just like others, Fureddo seemed shocked to see her hairstyle. “Did you pay for that haircut?” He asks, although he doesn’t seem to be trying to be rude. “It sort of reminds me of an anime character my friends like. Minus the bangs.” He comments.

He shows Horuda a picture of what looked like a child from an anime. She looked like a mess, which Horuda did as well, but the site he was on at least said that she was a fan favorite. “..right. Um, no, I didn’t do this to my hair.” She says, although she didn’t plan on explaining further.

Rather than giving Fureddo any more context, she walks closer to Musume, or more precisely her bag. “..Musume, I…I wanted to tell you something..?” She mumbles, glancing over at Fureddo, who seemed to get the hint.

“Oh! Okay, see you two!” He waved to them briefly and walked back downstairs.

Musume waves back, before glaring at Horuda. “What? Don’t you have something better to do than bother me?” She grumbles, likely irritated after being interrupted.

“...I think Amise or someone saw you with a cigarette…. I heard the staff talking about checking your bag- o-or, I guess, maybe not your bag just bags in general..? F-For contraband. So…” Horuda trailed off, hoping that she wouldn’t have to do any more explaining.

“Ugh.” Musume rolls her eyes. “What a buzz-killing bitch.” She grumbles, digging through her bag and tossing the box of cigarettes at Horuda. “Hang on to these for me, then. Don’t lose them.” She points a finger at her with a glare before shooing her off.

Horuda nods and bows her head a bit, before scurrying off to the other side of the rooftop, where Hayanari was waiting.

“That was quick.” He commented, taking the cigarettes when Horuda held them out to her. “Do you take things from her often?”

The girl just shrugs, “Not…not really take things. There’s not much of her belongings that I want, but sometimes I do mess with her.” She admits. “She has a crush on Fureddo, so sometimes I get her to do things under the guise that he’d like it. Especially things she hates. Like buy a pet.” Horuda messes with the sleeves of her sweater sheepishly. “She’ll actually buy a lot if it’s for Fureddo in any way. It’s fun because she doesn’t actually ever run out of money.”

“Seems like a lot of effort.” Hayanari says, stuffing the cigarettes in his pocket. “Why bother?”

Horuda replies quickly with an, “I hate her.” She then continues, “W-Well, I hate all of them, but Musume’s the only one stupid enough to actually…like… fall for the stuff I tell her.” She murmurs, “I hate Musume because she’s stupid and acts out for no reason, I hate Hoshiko because she’s cruel and overwhelmingly smart, Hana because she’s loud and can’t mind her business, Kashiko’s pranks are annoying, and Kokoro likes playing victim. They’re all…” She trails off, almost feeling out of breath. “..sorry, nevermind.”

“What about Bea?” Hayanari asks.

In all honesty, Horuda had forgotten that she was technically a part of that group. Musume didn’t really accept her, so she sometimes forgot. “Oh, I don’t. She’s just… um… weird. She’s less cruel and… more of a creep. She’s not really mean to me. Just sarcastic. Which she is to everyone, so… I guess I’m not special to her. Which is good.”

Hayanari actually seemed interested, and even ignored his delinquent facade for a moment to ask. “You know a lot about them, right? The gyarus.” He wondered aloud, to which Horuda nodded. “Umeji probably wouldn’t want you to know this, but I bet giving him information daily about them would help a lot. He’d probably let you stay for a while if you did.”

“Y..You think so?” Horuda asks, trying to bite down on showing too big of a smile. “That’s… great. I-I can do a lot, actually. L-Like, I know which one of them has a crush, a-and that could definitely be used- used for blackmail, I think.” The thought of being able to be away from the bullies in Horuda’s free time was unnecessarily exciting, especially considering that the only payment is whatever she’s already gathered about them.

She tried not to talk too much so that she still had some information to save for later dates, but for once the future was looking a bit more optimistic.

__

That was, until she was tasked with getting the answer sheets from the faculty room. Dairoku obviously couldn’t do it, but why he thought that she could was beyond her. It was after school currently, and by looking inside, there was really just the gym teacher inside at the moment. It looked like the other teachers were actually still in their respective classrooms, likely still getting work done.

Horuda pulled her fingers up to her mouth, biting her nail nervously. What was she supposed to do? She looked over to Dairoku, who was busy finishing off the fruit kabob that Horuda had given him.

“Do you, uh..” She clears her throat, “...do you have any ideas..?” She asked, feeling even more nervous since Dairoku so severely dwarfed her due to their height difference.

“Nah.” Dairoku simply said, shrugging. “Good luck.” He said half-heartedly. It’s not as if Horuda expected any sort of thanks or special treatment for the fruit kabob, but a little insight would have been a little helpful, at the very least.

Horuda bites her lip as she thinks. She couldn’t even be seen by the staff, or else that would surely lead to her having to explain what exactly happened to her hair. Then again…

..technically, if she told Ms. Kyoshi about her hair, would that serve as a fair distraction? As in, leading her to leave the room for some reason?

Horuda didn’t bother going to her last class, as she desperately wanted to avoid her teacher’s gaze. It wouldn’t be the first time she was late or absent, and she could easily catch up on Monday, so she wasn’t too worried about it.

Horuda inhales deeply and then exhales before hesitantly walking in. “Umm… Ms. Kyoshi..?” She calls quietly, gaining the attention of the gym teacher.

After turning to face Horuda, Ms. Kyoshi blinked in shock. “Oh, Horuda! What happened? Did you do this?” She asked, immediately walking over to look at the girl’s hair from every angle.

“...no. Hoshiko did… I-I wanted to tell you about it… because… I didn’t want her to.” Horuda explains, feeling nervous. If Ms. Kyoshi spoke to Hoshiko about it, Hoshiko would make up some half-assed excuse that wouldn’t get her in trouble as much as admitting that she did it with ill intent. Then, Ms. Kyoshi will ask Horuda about it, Horuda will say that whatever Hoshiko said was true in order to lessen the punishment Hoshiko will inflict on Horuda. While Ms. Kyoshi is gone, Horuda will take pictures of the answer sheet and send it to Dairoku, and that will secure a full week of… “protection” from the delinquents.

It was worth it, Horuda rationalized. It had to be.

After explaining the situation, Ms. Kyoshi sighed, shaking her head. “That can’t be right… I can’t believe she’d show such… horrible behavior.” She folds her arms, “Alright, come with me. We’re going to bring her aside and speak to her about this.”

“Uh- I-I…” Horuda stutters immediately, hesitating to speak properly just yet. “I don’t know if- u-uhm.. Could you just… speak to her first..? I’m…I’m nervous.” She says. That much was honest, but her intentions were still… unfair to put it simply.

Ms. Kyoshi sighs. “Alright, well, stay here, then. I’ll speak to Hoshiko and then bring her here.” She says, leaving after Horuda nods in understanding.

Horuda counted 15 seconds in her head while looking at the papers on each individual desk. Dairoku was in class 3-1, which would be Ms. Hanabusa class. After the 15 seconds, Horuda actively bends down and digs through the files. She tried her best to keep everything in place, but she was in a rush. It was a good thing Ms. Hanabusa was known for being a scatterbrain. Else Horuda might actually be suspected of something.

As soon as she got her hands on the answer sheets, she took several pictures of each page. She rushed to finish putting the images up and pulled up her phone to send the pictures. It’s a good thing she did, too, because Kuroko came in with a stack of papers in hand. She lifted an eyebrow to Horuda.

She couldn’t tell if she was concerned about her haircut or suspicious about her presence in the faculty room without a faculty member in it. “Horuda. What… are you doing in here?” She asked, deciding to go with the latter as the greater importance.

“I’m waiting for Ms. Kyoshi. She’s gonna help me figure out a, uh… bullying situation.” Horuda explains briefly, turning off her phone and looking down in her usual attempt to hide her face.

“Bullying. By whom?” Kuroko places down the stack of papers as she asks this, standing in front of the desk across Horuda. She sorts through the papers and even reaches over to straighten up Ms. Hanabusa’s desk. Apparently this wasn’t uncommon for Kuroko.

“..Hoshiko. But… don’t tell anyone. She’ll get even more mad at me than usual.” Horuda murmurs.

Kuroko hums quietly, thinking intently as she continues working. Once she finishes, she nods. “I understand. I won’t tell anyone for now.” She says, turning to leave the room. “Good luck, Horuda.”

Horuda waves a bit, but the wish of luck only succeeds in making her more nervous.

__

Hokuto was the first to speak up out of the group of delinquents. He scoffs, although his grin showed that he was impressed. “So in less than two hours, you got your hands on 500 dollars, a knife, the headmaster’s bottle of alcohol, Musume’s pack of cigarettes, and the answers for next week’s test?” He lists, pulling a hand up to his chin in thought.

Horuda didn’t really know if Hokuto expected a response to that, so she hesitates before answering. “U-Um- yes.” She nods, her head hung shyly as she admits what she’d accomplished.

“Damn. I might have you do favors for me more often.” Hokuto chuckles, which really only made Horuda nervous for whatever she had planned.

Umeji stares at Horuda for a moment- a feeling that she could feel on her head as she nervously picked at her sweater. “..So, you can get us information on that group of gyarus, right?” He asks, to which Horuda simply nods in response to.

“They’ll definitely still pick on me, but since they talk so much one of them usually blurts out one of their secrets.” Horuda mumbles, before thinking of something. “Also I- I learned that they actually have a special, um… app. They use it to post pictures of, like… pranks and just… mean stuff I guess.” She pulls her hand up to her mouth and murmurs. “They told me that I’m pretty popular on it.”

Umeji nods slowly. “...don’t worry about payment for now. Just keep looking for information on them and we’ll consider it ‘payment’.” He states. He then digs into his pocket and tosses a little bag of money at her. “Use that to pay for a new haircut, too. You look miserable.”

Horuda picks up the money and bows her head. “..thank you. I will.” It was nearly 5:30, so she started her walk to the front gate. She turns back and waves at them. “S..See you tomorrow..!” She calls in her usual voice, either getting a nod or nothing from the group. The delinquents definitely were not friends of Horuda. Allies was a better word for them, but regardless, Horuda could tell that she would like them way more than the bullies. She looked forward to working with them in the future. This certainly gave her some purpose.

[creweemmaeec11]

Seeing Scars

Guys, I'm *really* rusty so cut me some slack with this one 😅

TW: Self Harm

"Are you alright?"

The villain's voice was soft. So light and gentle that it made hero's blood boil. They didn't need *pity*, and certainly not from villain.

The hero strained to push themselves to sit upright, doing their best to keep their arms covered and out of their enemy's line of sight, but the sleeves of their suit weren't much more the shredded ribbons that were barely hanging on to one another.

They pinned their eyes shut, feeling them starting to sting. They never wanted *anyone* to find out, least of all *them*.

It was obvious the villain could see them. It was all too much.

"Hero...?" The villain tried again, voice still repulsively gentle as they crept closer, wading through the debris of where the hero had gone through the ceiling.

The hero had slipped on the roof where they'd been fighting, falling off the edge and crashing through the adjacent roof and ceiling, which had ripped their suit to shreds as they fell through. Luckily, it was only one floor.

"I think that's the sound of the match bell," the hero joked, coughing, attempting to maintain their normal bravado while trying to keep their voice from breaking at the same time, "go do whatever you came to do. You win this round,"

Just keep faking casual.

"No." The villain stated matter of factly, "Nothing about this is some kind of victory for me,"

It was obvious they were talking about more than just the fight.

"Well luckily for you," the hero started bitterly, trying to climb to a standing position, "it's none of your concern so-"

The hero winced, stumbling as they slipped on a piece of debris. They pinned their eyes shut, preparing for the painful collision with the floor that was surely coming, and yet... it never did.

The hero blinked, their eyes opened in confusion. How were they still standing?

Their eyes focused to see the villain was in front of them, basically holding them up by their upper arms to keep them from falling. Their eyes were drowned in worry.

"Then why am I so concerned?"

It took the hero a second to remember what they'd said.

"Get off me," the hero replied, trying to sound demanding, but it came out closer to a plea.

"No." The villain stated, tightening their grip on the heros upper arms as they tried to twist away, "That thing I came to do was going to be kidnapping you to inconvenience your bosses, so instead, your going to let me patch you up or so help me I'll go back to the plan of kidnapping you for real,"

It took their already spinning brain a second to register that.

"No, I'm-"

"You are nowhere *close* to fine," The villain interrupted sternly, "You can't see, but your back is shredded,"

The hero blinked. *That* was the reason the villain was going with as to why the hero wasn't okay?

The hero *knew* the villain had seen the scars on their arms, and yet, they hadn't said a word about them. The hero half expected some mocking comment, a questioning one if nothing else. But, nothing.

In fact, the villain was doing a remarkable job skirting around the topic completely. Not only had they not mentioned it, but the villain wasn't even staring at them, or doing that staring then quickly looking away "I wasn't looking" nonsense people normally did. They hadn't even glanced at them.

Considerate.

The hero wasn't sure what to do with that.

"How do I know I can even trust you?"

"You don't," the villain replied without missing a beat, "but you're not in any position to stop me one way or the other, so you might as well come willingly, instead of hurting yourself more,"

The villain didn't even wait for the hero to reply before shrugging off their coat and handing it over.

"It's getting chilly," the villain explained at the confusion in the hero's face.

*No it wasn't. It was something to cover with,*

The hero swallowed the acidic taste at the back of their throat, and without many other options, they went with the villain, slipping the coat on over their arms. They immediately felt better, having something covering them again. But there was an uneasy ocean in their gut.

Their nemesis had still *seen*, and just because they'd been considerate so far didn't mean they would continue to be. It's not like they had any reason to.

The hero clenched their jaw silently. They couldn't even tell what emotion they were feeling anymore, just that it was a strong one.

Their spiralling thoughts and silent walking were suddenly interrupted, "How much sleep have you been getting?"

Hero blinked in surprise, "I- what?"

"You look exhausted," villain replied, "have you not been sleeping?"

Hero seemed to bristle slightly, glancing down at the ground as they pulled the villain's jacket around themselves tighter. That seemed to be enough of an answer.

"Ah," villain replied as they finally stepped up to a non descript door in the ally, "this way,"

"Where are you leading me, exactly?" Hero questioned hesitantly as the criminal shut and locked the door behind them.

"The medical area to patch you up first," villain explained as they started walking again.

"And after that?" Hero asked.

The villain glanced over at them for a moment, appraising them, before they continued walking, "dunno yet,"

The two continued in silence, weaving through the different halls before entering small office-like room with a medical examination table in the middle.

"Hop up there while I find the bandages," Villain instructed casually as they began rooting through the different shelves.

The hero sighed but did as they were told, wincing as they hopped up to sit on the table. The villain hadn't been lying about their back; though they couldn't see it, they could feel it starting to come back to life as the shock and adrenaline wore off. They reached behind their head, pulling the jacket up over their head to reveal their back while keeping their arms in the sleeves, hugging the now twisted fabric to their chest.

When the criminal finally turned back around, their eyes flickered to the heros still covered arms, but they didn't comment on them, instead focusing on carrying the handful of supplies over to the table and setting them next to their guest.

"This is going to sting, but once it's over it should be numb,"

"It's fine" the hero muttered, gripping the edge of the table. On good days the pain would be unwelcome. On bad days...

There was a hiss of pain as the medication hit the hero's back, but it quickly died out and cast the room into silence. Neither of them said anything, the only noise being the occasional rustle of medical bandages or tape.

About 10 minutes later, the villain rounded the table.

"How are you holding up?" They asked, looking at the hero with soft eyes, making sure their question was registered before sliding their supplies over to this side of the table.

"I'm fine," the hero bit out under their breath, fingers curling tighter around the lip of the table after pulling the jack down over their back once more.

"That's not what I asked," the villain replied without missing a beat.

The hero blinked before bristling slightly, ducking their head as their shoulders scrunched, "I'm fine," they repeated.

The villain paused, halfway through unwrapping another bandage. Their eyes flicked over to the hero's, levelling them with an all-to-knowing yet emotionless gaze. Just staring. Just waiting.

Yet non-judgmental. Patient.

The hero finally deflated after a second of staring, "It feels a lot better now... thank you..." they acquiesced quietly.

"Good," the villain replied, finishing their task of unwrapping the bandage. They laid it down on the table, turning towards their guest, "Now let me see your arms,"

Immediately hero felt a jolt of panic, eyes going wide as they pulled their arms tight to their chest.

The criminal didn't flinch, simply waiting.

A stinging sensation began to make itself known at the back of the hero's throat. They eyed the villain warily, assessing them. They looked between the two slightly outstretched hands reaching towards them. Their heart pounded.

Then, without a word, hero hesitantly began pulling their arms out of their sleeves. Hiding now felt somehow even more exposing. Though their hands were shaking slightly, and there was an empty bottomless feeling of unease in their gut.

As soon as their first arm was uncovered, the villain took ahold of their wrist gently, flipping it over. Heros gaze stayed locked on the floor, unable to meet the other's eyes. But the villain didn't say anything. Their thumb traced ghostly light over the newest addition, which sent a shiver down the heros spine. Words seemed to clog their throat. But before they could say anything the villain just sighed softly and reached for some first-aid balm.

After applying it to everything, they wrapped the hero's arm in bandages, then doing the same with the other.

It might have been overkill, but....

Hero couldn't deny it felt relieving on their skin, and villain had been so gentle... it was nice to have someone take care of them.

Like they deserved it.

They flinched at the sudden feeling of something against their cheek. They blinked back into reality as villain used their thumb to wipe away a tear hero hadn't realized had formed. The criminal's face held a pitying soft smile, trying for reassuring and falling closer to sad.

"Don't look at me like that" the hero bit out through gritted teeth. They clenched their fists. "I'm not some fragile vase that's about to shatter so- wipe that look off your face,"

"You survived falling through a roof with only a few nasty abrasions and scrapes," villain replied, smirking, "I don't think I'd be able to say the same for a fragile vase"

Against all logic, a small smile broke out on the hero's lips as they shook their head.

There was a beat of silence, the buzzing white noise of the fan being the only sound before villain spoke up again.

"Alright, come on,"they said as they turned for the door, gesturing for hero to follow.

"Where are we going?" Hero asked, slipping the villain's jacket back on over their shoulders.

"My room,"

"What-!?" Hero's feet stuttered to a stop.

Villain turned slightly, "Relax hero, I'm just letting you have a nap while I get some other stuff done. We don't exactly have a guest room,"

"O-oh..."

"Unless you're more comfortable just sitting in the medical room-"

"No! No, no, it's fine," Hero spoke as they started walking once more. Villain simply nodded, and began leading them through different hallways again until finally, they approached a door with a keypad.

"Turn around,"

Hero obeyed, turning to look the other way. They heard the sound of buttons being pushed, followed by a ding noise and the door swinging open.

Villain's room was nothing like hero expected. It was clean, modern and smelled of crisp linen and a hint of something floral or maybe woody. What surprised hero most, though, was how cozy and comfortable it felt. The dim, warm light that encompassed the room was relaxing somehow.

Villain seemed to hesitate for a moment, before they finally spoke, "Do you want to borrow some pyjamas?"

"Ok..." hero replied uncertainly.

Villain nodded, quickly grabbing a set from their dresser and setting it on the edge of their bed, "I need to go grab a few things from my office while you change. I'll be back in a few minutes,"

When they returned, hero had already crawled into bed, snuggled into the plush sheets, and was staring at the criminal with a strange expression on their face.

"Do you need anything before I go?" Villain asked in confusion, walking up to the edge of the bed, unsure how to interpret the look they were getting.

"No, I..."

The criminal furrowed their brows, "I assume I don't need to warn you not to abuse my kindness and snoop around while I'm gone?"

"No!"

"Then what?"

"I- just-" Hero hesitated, looking down, their voice was suddenly small, vulnerable, "if I asked you to stay... would you?"

Villain blinked in surprise. Of all the things they expected, it certainly wasn't that.

"I just don't wanna be alone with my thoughts right now so-" hero quickly sputtered in an attempt to explain, but the villain cut them off.

"Yes," they said, sighing and placing their things on the nightstand, "I can stay.... just... only for a short while though,"

With that they crawled into the bed, sitting on top of the sheets next to hero. Neither of them said a word when hero inched closer, coming to rest their forehead against the villain's side gently; just barely there, but enough to feel them.

There was a defeated sigh as villain apparently lost the battle with self-restraint and let their hand fall down to stroke over the hero's head. They wouldn't speak of this to anyone. This was a "one-time deal, today only, while supplies last" kind of arrangement.

Yet, in the end, neither of them were surprised when hero woke up to find villain still hadn't left.

[notnights]

I want to share this Jax idea I got after ep 2.

I think Jax is the most aware of the dangers of emotional attachment. Now, time for me to explain. I thought it was really curious how he didn't laugh at Pomni for her loss and he is the mean one. On my part, my instant reaction to the Gummigoo death was of laughter for two things: Pomni's expression and the fact that the world created for the adventure and all of the NPC it contains are erased once the adventure is over. Basically, no matter what adventure happens, what changes you did to improve the lives of NPCs or if you were the MVP. Everything is meaningless in the end, in that case the only thing that matters in the long run are the other players, but they can abstract and will be sent to the basement to never come back again.

Jax is the one that accepted the way of the circus, a game to have fun, and what is more fun and thrilling than unnecessary violence pumping adrenaline through the veins? After all, once the adventure is over everything will be gone. He will never meet the NPC he harmed again, perhaps the same model, but I bet they won't keep their memories, in such case will it be the same NPC? Even if they keep their memories, the adventure is over and they will be gone (Could also be why he is focused and active to complete the adventure instead of just doing nothing or doing something else entirely).

Going back to “aware of the dangers of emotional attachment”, I will bring, and pray it wasn't Goose and the VAs fooling us, how each time a fan asks about Jax's reaction to being given affection the answer is that he is repulsed by it. As stated before, the only things that stay are the other members, but in this stressful situation where they have been stripped from their names, freedom, logic and some basic human things; feelings of closeness can appear, that's when he applies the logic “nothing matters” as a way to keep them at distance, being also mean with them in a “you don't matter” attempt. That way, he earns their hate and feels more justified in his behavior. He does this without a fear of being truly left alone as the fact that all of them are stranded on the same game means they will inevitably meet again, everyday. So, the others have to be forgiving of his actions and he can just get away with whatever he does.

In conclusion, explaining my headcanon was the perfect way to practice my essay writing skills, and that Jax is maybe the most sensible of the cast so he takes seriously his job to protect his feelings through a barrier of violence and rudeness. I am open to explain more if asked, thanks for taking a moment to read this, have a nice day.

�� Anon E(ssay)

Yeah it’s possible Jax is very much on the spectrum of “is awful as both a means of entertainment and to push any potential attachments away.”

He’s awful because it’s fun for him and if nobody likes him because of it well less pain for him in the long run. Everyone’s just a fun little toy for him that he can easily toss around and throw away.

In theory anyway because sometimes people still get attached to their toys. Example if Gangle is Jax’s favorite punching bag, it’s terrible but she’s still his favorite punching bag. Even if he did nothing but torment Kaufmo the entire time and Kaufmo hated him, Jax still felt Kaufmo’s loss one way or another. Sad little Jax trying his best not to get attached when in reality he’s just getting attached in a different kind of way. A way that ultimately still leaves him lonely.

Right now it’s hard to say what exactly motivates Jax’s behavior. Maybe he secretly cares, maybe he pushes others away like this to avoid attachment, maybe he’s just an asshole. Maybe we’ll find out one day, but it’s fun to think about in the meantime.

[vampstel]

Okay, I’m just gonna rip the bandage off. Here’s a long post I wrote a while ago after seeing a comic about someone’s experiences with asexuality.

This is a vent/rant so beware!! Warning for suggestive stuff since you know, this is sexuality talk :P

I’ve been openly asexual for a pretty long time now. It’s not something I talk about very often; I tend to just say it in passing and move on since I get this indescribable “ick” feeling due to the acephobia I’ve received in the past (and because I’ve been sexualized against my own will in the past as well).

I’m trying my best to get rid of that “ick” feeling but after recent events, I feel like I’ve gone back to square one. AKA: I feel humiliated about my sexuality and think it’s invalid.

I’m aceflux, meaning my asexuality can fluctuate but not by much. I may be demiromantic as well but I’m still unsure of that.

Personally, I usually feel very apathetic when it comes to sensual things. Sometimes, that apathy can turn into repulsion; Very extreme repulsion that can make me nauseous. Overall, I just don’t feel sexual attraction and when I do, it’s very minor and at some points… I wouldn’t even consider it sexual attraction? Hell, I don’t even understand what sexual attraction is and why/what people generally find sexually gratifying. Sexual shit flies over my head all the time unless it’s 100% obvious in my eyes.

But anyway… I’m a very aesthetic heavy guy, you could say. It’s really hard to describe it but when I see people, specifically men, I feel attracted to them in a tertiary sense. I like the concept of affection. The thought of being in a close relationship makes me happy. I find men pleasing to the eye and just have a connection with them that can’t be explained. It’s not exactly romantic, nor is it exactly sexual or even platonic. It’s like a secret 4th thing, basically.

That’s all fine and dandy. I’ve accepted that part of my sexuality but what I’ve been very miffed about is openly and unabashedly expressing my attraction (or whatever it is) with men in my art. Which hasn’t happened in years. I’ve been proud of being gay but recently I just feel… Unsafe?

As you know, I draw men a lot. Usually gender nonconforming men, femboys, and muscular men. I sometimes draw art that can be suggestive due to the clothes being revealing, but I do not get sexual gratification from it and it distresses me immensely when people say I do. Hence why I freaked the fuck out about the uh… incident on Twitter that shall not be named.

I know I said I’m fine. That I’ve moved past the whole “people thinking I’m addicted to porn” thing and I have. I think?— After all, it doesn’t make me upset anymore remembering it. However, I won’t deny that the situation has reopened some wounds that’ll take a long time to heal again which sucks.

I’m the problem here, not any other external source. At least right now 💀

I just keep feeling invalid about who I am. Sometimes, I find myself drawing art I like (and think is tame) and suddenly think “…Maybe this is too much. This is fetishizing.” or “I should probably scrape this completely. It might be sexual since I drew a beefy guy in a dress.”

And since I’m blind to sexual and even suggestive things, I get confused and upset. What am I allowed to depict in my art that makes people understand I’m not a faker or have a ‘broken sexuality’? How do I become the “ideal depiction of an asexual guy” that’ll appease myself and the internet? Do I show my character’s skin? Do I hide their assets and make them less curvy or muscular?

And what labels or jokes am I allowed to say that won’t have me or anyone else thinking “Oh yeah this guy’s a fucking freak and should be deplatformed”?

I don’t care what people think of me, usually. I don’t care if people hate me. But nowadays I feel unsafe even in the safe spaces I’ve made for myself and that’s what hurts.

I know and accept that there will always be people who think I’m a freak. There will always be people who think I’m not actually asexual and I’m just saying that to get away with making mildly suggestive content. But the issue is, I’m starting to think I’m a freak by proxy and since I’m repulsed about anything sexual, I’m becoming repulsed about myself and my work.

It’s taken years for me to get comfortable with my unordinary attraction to men. It’s taken even longer for me to get used to the basic parts of the human body and showing off skin IRL and in art without feeling nauseous. And now it feels like I’m trying to get all that progress back again. Just because my dumb brain thinks I’m “broken” after being harassed online a month or so ago.

I could write so much more but this is so long already. I think I may as well just make this topic a special rant video for Pride month. I’m not sure though.

I don’t know how to end this post, especially on a positive note, but just know that I’m trying real hard to get back to being unabashedly me.

I’m probably going to exercise using the labels I use more often to get more accustomed to them without anyone (myself included) thinking “he’s a weirdo!!”. I’m also just gonna up the gender nonconformity themes in my art as well. Shit’s been rough but I’m still hanging and coping with the help of my OCs :3

If you’re asexual, or just struggling with accepting yourself in general. Just know you’re valid. You’re cool. I know that’s a stereotypical thing to say but I mean it. Don’t let your stupid head think you’re a freak. Don’t be like me, is what I’m saying LOL

It’s bad and unhealthy. It’s easier said than done but so long as you slowly build up self acceptance, you’re doing great. And you shouldn’t let people tear you down.

[dootznbootz]

Aspec Penelope and Odysseus mean a lot to me and I want to ramble about it as it makes me really happy 🥺

If you don't like, don't read! Someone being aspec or sex-repulsed or sex-neutral is not insulting allos or people who are sexually active!!! And even then, some aspecs ARE sexually active just like these two end up being! This is all headcanon and any aphobes will be yeeted into the wine-dark sea. (semi-inspired by epic the musical but also...not.)

Aspec Odypen!

Both are aspec, demisexual specifically and are just like that. While they ARE Athena's pets, she didn't "make them ace". (It may have influenced why she's fascinated by them alongside their cleverness)

Both have situations that make it somewhat different in how they experience it though. I'll have what they both experience first. (Kind of just explaining what it feels like being aspec in a way, except they're shittier about it) Then Penelope as her's needs less explanation. For once in my life, Penelope isn't the one with the most stuff on her 😭

"Oh that person's very strong! Impressive! Oh, wait, is this supposed to be sexual? ...hm...Alright, I guess."

"Alright, I posed this way and looked at them like this and they seemed more open to this idea. Taking note for manipulation..."

"Goddamnit, I don't want you, I want all that silver 😩"

*sees what takes place during certain events (Symposium-esque event)* "...Yeah, I'm not doing that."

Both are pretty in their own way and use that to their advantage to get the things they want. Both get almost weirdly offended when outwardly flirted with and/or propositioned. Kind of sex repulsed (that changes when with each other but before they never really even think about it as..."What is everyone talking about? What do you mean "needs"?")

Friends? Absolutely!!! Not knowing someone but getting to know them eventually? Yeah! But the idea of only wanting to date or have sex because of appearances genuinely perplexes them both. Also, they weirdly test people and are just straight up weird and picky.

"How stupid and naive can you be to wish to court someone you know so little about? A stranger? I look pretty only to get what I want and that's not you... Yeah, we definitely won't work out. I'm going to rob you to teach you a lesson in how looks can be deceiving. I'm pretty but I'm also shitty."

"...You want to do what?! ...uh, okay... You know, what? >:) I know a place. Yeah, us naiads use it. Yep, just around here. Yes! The water is perfectly safe! Don't worry about the leeches! They're harmless! Completely normal leeches" *Steals their clothes and jewelry and leaves them to the very not-normal leeches.* What? It's not like they died!!! They shouldn't have been so stupid to trust me knowing nothing about me!"

Both also have hubris as their flaw so they also have a very shitty superiority complex about this. Fellow aspecs, don't do this!!! It's not nice!!! These two are both mean and nice and this is one of the ways they're mean. Very "While you were out doing whatever, I studied the blade" bullshit. Also, a "Me being unaffected by beauty makes me better at manipulating. Look at how stupid they get when I look all pretty, Athena. I absolutely made them believe that that was a fair deal!!!" Athena kind of encourages this behavior

Meeting each other is a very humbling experience for them both. They both actually learn that there's nothing wrong with being vulnerable with people, just because THEY'RE likely to mess with you doesn't mean EVERYONE is.

Onto Penelope Specifics

For one thing, Penelope is used to people immediately going nuts over Helen and she doesn't mind having less of the attention. As mentioned before, doesn't happen often but when people wish to possibly date, she tests, then sees "okay, I don't see this happening. I'm going to fuck with you now". She'll also just start doing weird shit in a "you think you can handle me?" way.

Thankfully, Icarius and Periboea are chill AND somewhat overprotective so the footrace usually goes in her favor of "I do not like them." Until Odysseus but you know. She just sees she won't click with most people.

Icarius and Periboea have a pretty happy marriage and she thinks that's sweet. One of her siblings doesn't have a happy marriage sadly and that's a big thing later on but she sees Helen and Menelaus with their childhood sweetheart thing going on and the other nymphs and thinks "Guess that won't be happening for me...I can be a fun river auntie." As she's kind of planning to be dedicated to the rivers fully if she can.

She also was there when Helen got kidnapped by Theseus :'D That does affect her.

Her actually testing him the same way he does when they first meet is part of the reason he falls for her so hard. "You do the same shit I do. Not only that but you were actually able to trick me! Wait, that broach, are you also one of Athena's pets?! And now we're scuttling about the castle basically entirely intuned to exactly what we're gonna do?! Oh, gods, that was so fun! Ugh, be my WIFE! 🥴 Wait, no! Sorry I scared/lied/overwhelmed you! Please give me a chance"

Her not getting a lot of genuine romantic attention has influenced her a little bit though.

She's genuinely pretty but it's in an unconventional way (sharp teeth, weird eyes, "Born in a Creek", etc.) So while at first on Ithaca, she was considered very strange, as naiad ties get better with her influence and people get more used to her, it's a "Oh, shit, she IS pretty." Also, she aged like wine. Why the suitors wanted her (also yeah, "I want to be king") and why she just didn't want them. Ofc, she wants Odysseus but she's also just someone who is usually unimpressed. (as Odysseus is as well.)

Odysseus Specifics

Very much a hopeful romantic. His mom and dad have a very loving marriage, (I want to write a thing on their love story), and knowing how his dad never took a concubine (It literally says he doesn't in the Odyssey). He wants what they have.

"Being with someone who you can be your complete self with, show all the good and the bad to and still loving each other despite it all. That's love."

As someone who is a person of many twists and turns, he desperately wants to find someone to show ALL his sides to.

So first up we have the fact that he blames the fact that he's never felt sexual attraction on the boar scar injury. (Boar Scar Idea Stuff Here) It's easier that way as he doesn't necessarily want to think about himself as being different. It makes people "pity" him in the sense of "Oh, you poor thing, you're so beautiful but that boar ripped you apart so horridly. Taking away your ability to feel such things and leaving a disgusting scar."

It's very frustrating for him because he IS very beautiful and so people are attracted to him often. He wants to be left alone. He knows what he wants. Fuck off.

Ancient Greece was fine with Nudity but he, being quite ripped up and "not all there" by the boar, isn't really comfortable with it. People often stare and him, being hotheaded, he's like "What are you looking at? I'll kick your ass!". It's kind of a convenience though because it also makes people leave him alone.

He's had "one relationship" but it was basically just a kiss. He had a one-month romance with someone that ended badly.

Then OdyPen meets each other. >:D

Clarifying this as I know I talk about it a lot with how "Odysseus was in love at first sight" and... YEAH. but also not. It's more of a "This is the fucking best and I KNOW that we'd be incredible together." He chills out a bit as he got that ADHD (they both do) and was all up in his emotions. Other folks with ADHD know when you get too excited and just...become a LOT. It was that. He calmed down a bit and realized he WAS overwhelming her, STILL wants to marry her but isn't in love yet as they JUST MET. And they finally get to know each other more and then he actually falls in love.

Penelope was always somewhat intrigued by him but it was only when he chilled out a bit and let her lay the ground rules of them getting to know each other. And she was in deep denial, then she was hit by a truck when she couldn't deny it any longer.

During the War

He doesn't have any listed concubines (Hecuba was an old woman in her 60s-70s...Be reasonable.) and even in the Iliad, he thinks of Penelope often. And when offered, he threatens or just is passive-aggressive, and eventually people understand that "I wouldn't do that if I were you. He'll probably stab you."

With the fact that in the funeral games, he is mostly invested in getting the shiny and fancy ITEMS instead of winning for the pretty slaves. That also gives me big "I don't fucking care about that, WHERE'S THE MONEY?!"

With how Nauplius (Palamedes' father), tried to get Penelope to believe that "oh your Odysseus plans to replace you." and how she was like "pfft, fuck that. That's a load of shit. My Odysseus would never. Get outta my palace." that yeah, Penelope knows how he rolls.

With he's quite uncomfortable with Nausicca's crush on him despite her being young and beautiful.

Even in the beginning, the fact that he saw Helen, the most beautiful woman in the world, and was still like "eh...Ooooh, who's that woman over there that's causing chaos?". He's unaffected by beauty.

He leaves his tent alone in Book 10 of the Iliad. Like, I cannot stress enough how aspec Odysseus feels to me lol

Odypen already give Aspec vibes in the Odyssey but hearing "Man of the House" with Epic and that "She's who I saved my virginity for" was like an "YES! ASPEC!" and yeh :D He wasn't technically "saving it for her", he just never wanted it til Penelope.

Alongside "Done For" a lil bit!

"...I'm not sure I follow... What do you mean by lust? Penelope's not here...oh no..."

Idk makes me happy to write them aspec! 🥺

[theexhaustedqueer]

hey fellow aces, so I’m a little bit confused and need a bit of help with the terminology, if you don’t mind. So I’ve been describing myself as ‘sex-repulsed’ basically since I realized I was ace. I’ll explain why in a moment, but hearing other people who use the term describe their experiences, I’m starting to think I might not be? Or at least I’m not sex-repulsed in the way a bunch of you are. I’ll try to explain my experience, and I guess I’m hoping that you all might know if there’s a more accurate word for it?

So basically, most sexual stuff doesn’t bother me. Sex jokes, innuendo, people talking about sex, porn/smut/erotica… none of it I find gross or disturbing. I don’t like it, because it doesn’t do anything for me and I find it boring not because I’m repulsed by it. The most I ever feel is awkward, in the same way it’s awkward and uncomfortable to walk in on people having sex. It feels personal and like I shouldn’t intrude, but it doesn’t disgust me. What does disgust me is when I am at all involved in the sexual scenario. Even the idea of having sex with someone makes me want to throw up. If I am the subject of a sex joke or innuendo, I become incredibly uncomfortable. Someone finding me sexually attractive is actually a nightmare scenario and I have legitimately had panic attacks over people complimenting my appearance before. So I assumed, given how repulsive I find sex when I am involved, that I am sex-repulsed. But the way other sex-repulsed people describe it, it seems like for them they are disgusted by all things sexual, including when it has nothing to do with them? But I don’t think I can describe myself as sex-indifferent given that I am very much NOT indifferent.

Is there a word for this specific experience? Should I continue to describe myself as sex-repulsed or am I completely missing the mark on what that means? Please help me I’m so confused.

[the-golden-dragoness]

hi beloved mutual i've never talked to!

you obviously don't have to answer but i thought i'd ask regardless. I'm not asking this out of gatekeeping or any of that "you can't use this terminology blah blah blah" crap, i'm asking this cuz i'm also aroace but don't actually know much about aroace identity and i'm trying to learn more

how can you be both bi and aroace? is it something about being on either spectrum but not being completely sex/romance repulsed, or is it something else?

thanks anyway, hope you have a great day :D

Hello there, citrus! Thank you for the ask.

While I will share my understanding of myself and why i bi-aroace as the term to refer to myself, I do have two disclaimers. First, this is a reflection of only how I use this terminology to reflect my identity, so of course other aroace people may interpret the same term differently. Secondly, this ended up being quite a long answer, so I apologize in advance, however I do find it important to share everything-- partly because I feel like leaving things out doesn't explain it as well. Also, I will share some basic things we both already know for the sake of others to follow this conversation.

I'm aroace, or aromantic-asexual. For me personally, that means I feel no romantic or sexual attraction at all. Of course its a spectrum, but this is just about me.

What many of my current mutuals may not know is that I actually identified as bisexual once upon a time! When I was in high school it was actually a friend who told me I was bisexual (she thought I knew this, but I did not), and I decided it fit me well enough to identify that way. I actually came out as bisexual when I was 17 a few years later, and for the most part, people still think I am. I do of course, consider myself aroace now, but with that identity I chose the indirect method; I don't feel the need to explicitly share it to everyone I know except my close family. While I'm no longer bisexual, I still love, participate in, and feel connection to the bi community. It's the first way I identify as bi still. This past identity has translated into my current bi identity as tertiary attraction.

Tertiary attraction is what the aspec community often uses to refer to other types of attraction outside of romantic or sexual. For me, these attractions include platonic attraction (friendship), sensual attraction (touch, such as cuddling, hugging, kissing), aesthetic attraction (looks), and alterous attraction (something other than platonic or romantic).

While I am aroace, I still consider myself a romantic, in a sense. I enjoy fantasizing about romance, something in relation to myself, but more largely in relation to fictional characters, ie. shipping in fandom. In this way, I also identify with the microlabel aegoromantic/sexual, which is essentially enjoying the fantasy of romance and sexuality, without enjoying the reality of it. I do also fantasize with respect to real people occasionally, such as popular celebrities I find aesthetically pleasing and have pleasant personalities. As in, I might say I think they're hot or sexy and say I'd enjoy doing things with them, but I wouldn't actually enjoy that in real life. They are unattainable, so everything I say about them is just fantasy. This is the second way that consider myself bi ( I suppose one might technically put this under sexual/romantic orientation, but I think the romantic/sexual aspect of is very much linked to the aesthetic and sensual aspect of it, so I suppose its a bit of both).

My friendships also actually influence my bi identity quite a bit. My friendships are all very queer, and my tertiary attractions influence that. I have very strong friendships that the average person might raise an eyebrow at, and may consider them to be more romantic than how my friends and I define them in reality. I also enjoy cuddling, hugging, and am not explicitly opposed to kissing (I don't actually kiss in my present friendships, but I digress). And of course, I love all my friends and think they are beautiful inside and out! This is the third way I identify with being bi.

The TL;DR is that I still consider myself bi because my past identification, and my current tertiary attraction that has several influences from my experiences!

I hope this helps you! Feel free to ask and message whenever you like :D

[sevicia]

Everything feels so unfair. My face makes me queasy even beyond surface level looks, I can think I look alright sometimes but it still feels like something I should break, and I have such a deep NEED to double myself and destroy my own body as much as possible for as long as possible. I need to tear it down but it's not just feeling ugly by aesthetics alone anymore. I've realized I could be the most beautiful person in the world and the need would still be there. There's something so disgusting about "me" that sometimes all I can think about is pushing him down and slamming his head into the ground over and over and over again, stomp on his throat, pull my fingers until they pop I feel so violent I need to see his skull break and his brain splattered accross the concrete. I don't know how to describe it anymore. It doesn't FEEL like the traditional version of self hatred everyone else seems to go through (more or less), I know there's things I'm good at and I don't punish myself for making mistakes so much anymore, I feel happy and proud when I accomplish things but there's always this repulsion and it won't go away. It's like my core is rotten and it keeps rotting and rotting and there's nothing I can do about it because it just won't DIE already. All I want is to wake up as someone else. I hate how small my body is and I hate knowing this will never change. I'm trapped here forever no matter what I do. It feels like a house with no exit and the only other person here makes me want to vomit and there's nothing I can do about it. I'll always be small. What am I supposed to even do here? When I was starving myself all those years ago I would try to lie in my own head and tell myself it was about having less curves, but I knew it never had anything to do with how I looked. I just wanted to die painfully and slowly. I wanted to torture myself. I knew I was messing up my growth and my attitude towards eating for years to come and it just made me want to keep going. All I want is to make him suffer for as long as possible. It's so complicated when it's just me in the end. I hurt him because he makes my skin crawl, then it hits me and I hate that version of myself for doing this to us and I need to know he's in pain, in a constant state of misery no matter how intense just always in the back of his mind. But rationally I know I've done nothing that warrants this kind of punishment. I've never hurt anyone beyond arguments that get resolved shortly after. I don't insult people to their face and I only ever do it in posts/while talking to friends when I know they're in the wrong for punctual things. The only time I've hit other people was as a kid and always in retaliation. What did I do wrong? Have I ever done anything at all? Most of my life has been spent curled up in bed. I just don't understand how this need to suffer could ever get so strong. I can't explain it. My very being feels wrong and ugly and disgusting. I wish I'd never been born at all. I'm pretty content with my life. There's lots of things I look forward to. I don't want to die. I want to be erased completely, from everyone's memory and from every record and statistic that's ever held me, like I never even existed in the first place. People like me in general and are nice to me. I've been told it's impossible to stay mad at me for long. I've been told I'm lovable without trying. I can't understand how or why but I feel the nagging desire to find out left me a long long long time ago. I can't think anymore, I can feel myself falling asleep already I wrote so much. I just can't understand WHY I have such a strong urge to destroy myself. I'll wake up just fine in the morning.

[spotsupstuff]

Whats AOD relationship with Ko ? (Like good friend, partner, family, ect) because I can't really tell.

i can't fucking tell too they just Exist and are Very Close but also they quite well get me like

when trying to explain them

the only thing i know for sure is that they aren't romantic partners. Disdain doesn't think to be looking for something like that and Ko has understandable Trust Issues towards the idea of a girlfriend/fiancé/wife. he's stuck like this Because of a romantic partner, you could say he's almost outright allergic and repulsed by the idea of getting into another relationship because of the trauma. and since he's a ghost, which is a thing emotionally stuck and unable to really heal and move on (and when it does that's when it passes on to next incarnation), he can't get out of this mindset

in a better version of the events And when Ko would be present in the time of Iterators instead of before, they could've ended up in a similar deal like Sparrows and Euros, yeah, i could see it. but as it is they are like... maybe like childhood friends? friends, not really family, recognize that they aren't family, but it sure Feels like family with how long they've known each other deal. especially for Disdain since she's younger than him. for Ko she's a point of grounding and safety. so she's also smth similar to him like he is for her, but more instance is put on the idea of a person being/feeling like your home

but Also

their relationship keeps reminding me of like. there was this one short video on utube that touched on the more common presence of cannibalism and romantization/sexualization of it in current media (like vampires). that current society has such deprivation of healthy loving relationships (including platonic ones) that when it comes to romantic love that what is present, it is no longer enough. loving isn't Enough. one needs to consume the other. own them in Such animalistic way as food. and that it speaks about the current state of the civilization not only to the deprivation of the relationships but also of more personal things like specifically self-worth. you want to be bitten, you want to be eaten, you want to be owned but why. that is no longer love, that is possession and obsession. anyway in comments of that vid people peeped up about vor€ at some point too ofc, inevitable thing, but it does add to the discussion and it sure is an interestin one 👁👁

Disdain and Ko feel in similar vein to me. its not an entirely healthy relationship. but because of What both of them are there isn't really a way around it than it be based off of something wrong. Ko just on the principle of his undead existence is inherently an unhealthy leeching thing though he may not want to be. he DOES want to be alright, he does want to be a normal good person just living their life but can't. his chance to be that has passed

Disdain is a sensible good person with well set boundaries for what she will allow others do to her and what she can do to others, but also she's an Iterator. thing made to be a god. she might as WELL be an actual god to Ko, because he's so torn down, so low next to a normal Ancient that she's unbelievably high and powerful next to him. he's just a little shard of a proper living being and she is Millions of proper living beings

so the more powerful one has to keep ensuring that this unhealthy fucked relationship is a healthy one cuz the other party is as capable of doing that as a completely paralyzed person is capable of walking by themselves. as i've said in their intro post they have an… Interesting relationship

but tl;dr shit's platonic with a real fucky fucky base

[xxchromies]

I’m female and I think I actually see men the way they see us. I find it arousing when men get hurt especially when they’re young or vulnerable. Like, I saved a video of a disabled teenager falling into water and starting to drown, and I’m not mad at him or anything, I think he’s totally innocent, but that’s part of why it was arousing to see how humiliated and helpless and scared he was. I don’t hate him at all, nor do I feel concerned for him, I just feel compelled to seek out more of this sort of thing because it makes me feel fascinated and aroused. And that seems to be how men feel about us. They aren’t concerned about justice or the quality of our character, they are just aroused by seeing us suffer.

I don’t know if any other women actually feel this way. Most can’t wrap their heads around true dehumanization. I think this is a good thing, but I think we should stop pretending women will ever feel the same way toward men as they feel about us. On the rare occasion that one of us feels that way, she will face complete ostracization and outrage even from self proclaimed “misandrists” because women do not actually want innocent males to be hurt. They want rapists to get what they deserve, but they don’t want innocent and vulnerable males to be hurt for their amusement. And we shouldn’t try to pretend otherwise. It’s very, very rare for any woman to see men the way most of them see us. Even the thought of it is completely repulsive to 99% of women. You might want bad people to get what they deserve, but you don’t actually enjoy watching random innocent males suffer.

I mean, unfortunately I do think it's kinda fucked up stuff like that arouses you. I encourage you to explore why you feel this way. But like you said, what you're feeling seems very different than how a lot of men feel about violent videos of women. A lot of men like that stuff because they genuinely hate women to their core. I wonder if maybe you like stuff like that because it feels like "revenge" for misogyny. While it would still be fucked up it's very different than men's feelings because your feelings originate from real-world oppression and their feelings originate from being the oppressor in the real world.

I also kinda wonder if it arouses you because it inspires some sort of protective instinct in you. Like, it if it arouses you because it makes feel a lot of overwhelming sympathy. Or maybe it's because you realize that in the moment you have so much power over this guy, you have the power to help him and heal him. I'm not attracted to whump stuff personally but I can think of one time I felt somewhat similar. When I watched Jennifer's Body and saw the scene where Jennifer tried to hurt the boyfriend and he gets all injured and fucked up I was like...huh... I felt the urge to nurse him back to health and have him depend on me. I wonder if it partly comes from the expectation put on us to be nurturers. I feel like I see a lot of women talk about stuff like this but then they actually explain their reasoning and it's like...I think you just wanna heal people. Not comparable to what men feel.

Whatever the reason behind this feeling, men feel it to a much greater degree and frequency. You should look into why you feel this way, though.

[deans-baby-momma]

Law & Love Chapter 11

THEN

Halfway through reading, he stops and sits the paperwork on his desk. "What the hell? He was her son? She was sleeping with her son?"

"Oh, it gets better," Hoyt states. " Keep reading."

NOW

Y/N sat in the hard plastic chair, a cup of steaming coffee in her hands as she stared at the fine, minute cracks in the tiled floor.

The whole situation kept  playing over and over in her head. She could see in her mind's eye the look of anger and rage on Joey's face as he accused her of sleeping with the Sheriff; she could still smell the acrid stench of burnt sulfur from Pops' gun; she could still hear the amusement in Deb's voice as she admitted to using Y/N as a means to commit ungodly, despicable acts with her own son!

The playback in her head caused her to visibly shiver. How could people be so indecent, so vulgar? 

"Would you like to talk about how you're feeling?" the therapist, Dr. McKinney asks. 

Someone at the station  had the foresight to call in a specialist to help mitigate and allay her feelings. The problem is, Y/N doesn't know what her feelings are! Repulsion, appalled, outraged, overwhelmed?

Yes. To all of those. She was repulsed that the person who she thought was a friend and confidante was only using her for such lewd activities. It completely appalled her that something like that was going on right under her nose. How many times had Joey come in to eat and stayed around telling jokes and stories? 

Y/N had thought he was just a lonely extrovert. It was heinous to think he was only there to 'check her out' to use as fodder for such obscenity. 

And to know that their little fantasy brought on this whole situation was overwhelming and astounding.

"I don't know what to say," she answers, her voice cracking. "How do I comprehend such an atrocity? That I am the reason one man is dead and a man as sweet as Pops, might go away for his murder? That a person I thought was my friend was so messed up in the head?"

"Wait, who's dead?" the therapist asks.

"Joey," Y/N answers.

"Mr. Bryant isn't dead."

Y/N head jerks up and she looks at the woman in front of her wide-eyed.

"But Pops…..Pops shot him!"

"Yes but not fatally," the therapist explains. 

Y/N jumps from her seat, spilling her coffee on her hand. In a ripple effect, the burn on her hand causes Y/N to throw the cup to the floor,  thus spilling the beverage over the tiles.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN JOEY'S NOT DEAD?!?!!!"

Beau tosses the report onto his desk and jumps out of his chair when he hears his girlfriend's distressed voice. 

He and Jenny look at each other questioningly as they rush out of his office and down the hall to the conference room. He knew a therapist had been called to help Y/N with her trauma but he didn't understand why she was screaming. 

"What's going on in here?" he asks, entering the room and giving the counselor a glare.

Y\N is practically hyperventilating so he rushes to her side, being careful not to step in the spilled brew.

Wrapping his arms around her, he pulls her body tightly to his, tucking her head under his chin.

Y/N continues to gasp and wheeze no matter what he says or does.  After a few minutes her respiration begins evening out and her muscles relax; Beau can feel her hot tears against  his chest. 

"Y/N?" He says her name low and cautiously. "Darlin', what's wrong?"

Beau feels her tense at the nickname but before he can analyze that, Y/N pulls away enough to look up at him, answering with her own inquiry. "Joey's alive?"

Beau nods slightly in affirmation.

"How?!"

"When he was hit by the impact of the round striking his shoulder, it knocked him off balance and as he fell, he hit his head on a table edge. Between the blood loss and the hit to the head it caused him to lose consciousness.  

"As far as I know he is still alive. So Mr. Lefler- 'Pops' as you know him- will not be charged with murder. Now, that may change if surg-"

"Oh thank god!" Y/N exclaims, interrupting Beau. "I've been worried that Pops was going to prison for defending me." 

Beau smiles down at his girlfriend.  She is a true saint. He thought she was distraught and distant from the stress of almost dying, but no. She's been worried about her friend who would do what any other upstanding citizen would do: take out the danger and secure the safety of an innocent person.

"Pops is just fine baby girl," Beau says, trying out the new nickname.  When she seems to preens at the sound of it, he knows it'll be okay. "He is out there, giving his official statement to one of my officers. When he's finished, I'll have someone escort him back here okay?"

When Y/N nods, he hugs her and glances over the top of her head at the doctor.  "You can go now. You're no longer needed."

Jenny follows the doctor out of the room, closing the door behind her to give them some privacy.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yea, I'm fine," Y/N tells him. "Grossed out and disgusted, but I'll be okay. I was more upset that Pops could spend the rest of his life in prison."

"You are a treasure, you know that?" Beau asks as he peers down at the woman in his arms. She smiles up at him and just like magnets, their lips slowly come together. 

Beau means to keep the kiss chaste and modest but as soon as he feels the soft fullness of her lips, his resolve breaks.

Moving his lips with hers he licks along the seam of her, asking for entrance, which she happily agreed to by opening and allowing him in.

Y/N tastes the bitter hint of coffee and a slight  flavor of wintergreen; Beau- at one point in the morning- must have chewed on a piece of gum. 

She drinks it all in, her tongue twisting around his. Her arms leave his waist and she lifts them to wrap around his neck, her fingers sliding into the soft locks at the back of his head.

Beau's arms tighten around her, crushing her body to his. When he feels the need for breath, he reluctantly pulls away and looks down at her.

"Are you positive you're okay? I know today has been….well, there aren't any words to describe it, is there?"

"I'm good now that I'm in your arms," she tells him, looking up at him intensely. Beau smiles as he runs a finger down her jaw.

 "I have to get  back to work but I shouldn't be long and then we'll go home okay?"

"I like the sound of that."

As Beau returns to his desk, he realizes that he also likes the idea of going home with her, that his place was considered 'theirs' now.

@spnbaby-67 @sea040561 @delightfullykrispypeach @larajadeschmidt13 @atc74 @vicariouslythruspn @squirrelnotsam  @sandlee44 @blacktithe7 @hoboal87 @mogaruke @supraveng @deandreamernp @akshi8278 @lyarr24 @kazsrm67 @chriszgirl92 @deanwithscissors @raisinggray @fanfic-n-tabulous @hobby27 @deans-spinster-witchs-favorites @yvonneeeeeeee @tmb510 @fallenlilangel99 @globetrotter28

[girl4music]

This song and video evokes emotions out of me I don’t even have the ability or vocabulary to describe. Ever hear a song that renders you completely speechless but not from the complexity of it, but because there’s just no possible way you can explain the experience?

This is THAT for me. It’s such a powerful experience.

And I am reminded that this is why my id is what it is.

The thing about music is - when you truly love it and are an enthusiast of it - it’s experience can’t be explained. It’s not something words can convey. It’s something you have to know viscerally for yourself. Something you have to see, hear feel. Sense. It’s about the senses. And the senses are still something we cannot truly explain. Sure, we can talk about how hearing is picking up vibrations in the environment and our brain turning it into sound. Or how to see is to pick up light particles in the atmosphere and have them illuminate in our brain. Or how to feel is connection and repulsion with the different atoms. We can talk about how it’s all about energy. The science of it. But we cannot truly explain the experience of it.

And then when we lose any one of those senses. How much our world changes and us alongside with it because it really is one in the same experience. Yeah, music is like that. Something unexplainable. Ineffable. Like the experience of love. Like the experience of heartache. Like the experience of consciousness. And the funny thing is that we call these things “things” but they’re not things at all. They’re our true nature. They’re so close to us as to affect our experience of everything but so mysterious and complex to us that they can’t be explained or defined or described. But regardless, these “things” affect us psychologically, physiologically, physically and spiritually that to simply refer to them as any other physical object in the Universe seems quite insulting and debilitating.

The realist and truest “things” to us are not physical and yet we regard them as such just like everything and so I have often wondered whether it’s the other way around. Whether that of which isn’t physical is all that’s real and true and all of that which is is illusory. ‘Cause, you see, if you shut off your sense of sight by closing your eyes - voluntarily blinding yourself, the physical world disappears but consciousness is still very much there. You are still very aware of the world. Only something different is experienced from doing it. Which is that you no longer are separated from it and it is no longer separated from you. One in the same. And I guess this is why some people meditate and involve themselves in acts of sensory deprivation. Because what’s revealed from it is the way of being. And people forget that when they’re immersed in experiences of which they believe is happening to them rather being the reason experience happens.

Music is one of those experiences where you are reminded about something you’ve forgotten. Be it something that happened in the past or even something happening right now but can’t be accessed without playing that specific song or music video. I often say that music is a Time Machine because music jolts you back to something that doesn’t exist anymore if it ever did or isn’t relevant but was still very significant at the time. And what’s in this music video for the song ‘Constance’ is an old lady that’s losing her memory. She can’t remember. She doesn’t have any recollection of who she or anyone else around her is. But the thing is is that she is still experiencing something. She still has a sense of self in that way because the basic function of ‘self’ is to experience. That’s what we do as human beings. Generate an experience all the while “living” in it as if it’s something that’s happening to us and not IS us. And so losing our memory would be pretty scary to us because we believe there’s something physical and permanent about us that we should keep ahold of when being or consciousness itself is what we are. And therefore it matters not what we remember. It only matters how we continue that next generation. Experience is a profound “thing” in itself because it happens of its own accord. As does nature and life.