#which was also funny when i said off the cuff ''i'm a fucked up person''

[sage-nebula]

I had my first therapy appointment in years today, and it was with my og therapist who I thought either ghosted me or died (turns out neither was true). It was so, so good to talk to her again and I'm looking forward to working on the stack of issues I have. But one goal I mentioned was I want to learn how to someday be content with the fact that there is something inherent about me that, while at first people might like me, inevitably people end up seeing me as annoying / hostile / aggressive / bad-tempered / awful / a monster even when I am calm emotionally and decide (within their rights) that they don't want to be around me anymore and the friendship ends. Like clearly there is something wrong with me, but I don't know how to fix it when it happens even when I feel that we're having a normal conversation, and it has happened enough times with enough people that clearly I'M the problem, so I'd just like to be able to accept and be content with being a monster instead of crying over it all the time.

She nodded and wrote it down but thinking on it now I do wonder if she really accepted "being okay with being a monster" as a goal. She also said "what I'm hearing is abandonment issues" which, okay, fair. I always thought it was RSD but she is the professional.

Anyway this is further down the road stuff. There's other stuff we have to work on first. (e.g. I couldn't protect my dog from abuse when I was an abused child myself and I have been carrying that guilt and punishing myself for it for over 20 years and I'm finally at a place where I think I need to learn how to stop self-flagellating for my perceived childhood failures. And if you're like "why only now" well that's because even as recently as two weeks ago I felt I deserved the guilt and pain, and even now it's like 75 / 25, but we move.)

Anyway! I am going to try really hard and work on things with her. I want to feel better, I want to heal, and most importantly, I want to stop crying all the time because crying fucking sucks. Literally one of the worst bodily functions. Why can't I just turn on my eyes like faucets, let the tears pour out, and then turn the eyes off when empty? Why do I have to deal with all the congestion and snot and swollen face and headache? Once again the human body is an inefficient mess. Smh.

anyway. therapy good. post over.

[f0point5]

Re: the recent landogate Funny thing about this man is that sometimes he gives such good responses and seems to genuinely be able to self reflect (ex. "I'm not a well rounded driver like Max and Lewis", "I don't want to be given wins" etc.) and then he will utter the most stupid thing he could because he does not think well before speaking (probably not with bad intent). As for the recent debacle, I don't think it was as deep as people made it seem and I reckon he hadn't seen that picture of George post race, obviously looking worse than the other drivers due to the overheating Mercedes car. So I wouldn't even deem this a proper "landogate". It certainly was weird though. The vast majority of landogates are snippets from interviews taken way out of context. There are some instances, though (of which I found out about very recently) where he has said things that I cannot find a way to justify properly. And he seems scared to own up to them sometimes. I don't think his age could justify them necessarily (I'm the same age). The "fans" (big emphasis on the quotes) really make it even worse. I don't know if he actually understands when he has fucked up. It's just so weird because I really, really root(ed) for him cause I genuinely believe that he races well (and Oscar, ofc, I find it wild how they try to make them seem like they have beef when they don't) and like. Idk. I feel a bit iffy about it all rn haha. In the end, they are all rich boys and I definitely won't be losing sleep over them lol.

I always figure Lando’s responses are always visceral. They seem to just be based on who is around and how he feels in the moment, which also seems based on who’s around and what’s going on for him professionally at the time.

So like, he’s sitting next to Max and Lewis, very aware he’s being filmed, probably not entirely comfortable, asked a question that specifically compares him to the guys next to him, so it’s at the forefront of his mind how much they have achieved and how much he doesn’t want to piss people off so he says something complimentary. Conversely, after a bad day, high on adrenaline, feeling like a petulant child who just had their toy stolen, being spoken to directly and not asked to engage with anyone else, he might say something really dickish in the media pen, and then only remember later how it will come across.

I genuinely think what he says is how he feels in the moment and then sometimes he can’t fully connect with what he said previously or is embarrassed to have said it. I don’t think he’s some evil mastermind who has some big Shkeem (James Charles knows) to denigrate Lewis or erode Max’s self esteem. I think he just talks as he thinks.

I still don’t see what the big deal was about the Merc comment. “Toto Wolff issues health update” does sound like something one would laugh at, considering he probably saw George and Lewis later after they’d recovered and knew they were fine. Merc released a video of them joking around later that evening. “Health update” made it sound like they’d been hospitalised, instead of suffered adverse effects of the sport that they were well prepared for, and specifically train for, and recovered from shortly afterwards. I genuinely think he was just like “what do you mean health update? They had heatstroke, we all have heatstroke, we all get heatstroke every year…why do we need an update”. Did he articulate any of that? No. Could he articulate that off the cuff? Probably also no. But he was playing a game on stream, not hosting a podcast.

People overdramatise everything he says, and his fans are wayyy too quick to defend his foot in mouth disease. And it just makes for Stan wars. Because you can’t have a sensible conversation about the fact that Lando does in fact put his foot in it very often for someone who is in front of a camera so much. It’s either “he’s the worst person ever he should die” or “omg he’s the kindest person alive who has never had an impure thought how dare you”. And in reality, it’s neither of those things. He’s a 24 year old who doesn’t speak well…it’s really not the end of the world.

But at the end of the day…he’s just a boy who races cars. Like him, don’t like him…he doesn’t give a fuck about any of us, nor should he, and people on both sides of the fence need to realise that

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Update: I've done another Robins YouTube rabbit hole, mainly to look for stand-up clips, because there are annoyingly few of them out there. I mean, there are a bunch, but most are just clips from when he's done TV things like Live at the Apollo and Russell Howard's Good News and a few other ones. Which are all right, but I was looking for videos of non-TV gigs. Found a few, not as many as I hoped, hoped I might find more by going deeper through the results, as stuff like that tends to get buried.

I didn't find what I was looking for, but it turns out that the above video is part of a whole type of videos called: John Robins in 2014-2015, doing low-budget video interviews that he's been forced to do to promote his show, but looks incredibly uncomfortable and makes no effort to hide that, and refuses to engage in proper interview etiquette, usually while wearing a leather jacket that doesn't suit him quite as well as he clearly wants it to (okay that last part is me making too big an assumption about a stranger's thought processes, not for the first time in this post, but this time it's because I have a leather jacket that's fairly similar to that one and that I've owned for 14 years and wear as often as I can, mainly because I really want to be the type of person whom a leather jacket suits, even though it probably doesn't really suit me):

Okay, that last video doesn't quite fit the remit as he does actually do the interview properly, but it definitely belongs on a list of awkward fucking interviews because of how bad the interviewer was, and the part about 3:20 in where she starts talking about how great Stewart Lee is (while interviewing him during the year when he did an Edinburgh show that had a whole routine just for talking shit about Stewart Lee), and he manages one "Oh are they?" before swallowing any further dissent. And if that wasn't awkward enough, he then immediately tries some ill-advised ironic misogyny that doesn't land at all (a little bit the interviewer's fault for not noticing he'd made a joke, but mostly John Robins' fault for trying something like that outside of a context where its intent will be obvious), and then has to backtrack and explain what he was trying to do, and I don't think I've ever seen any scripted cringe comedy achieve their desired effect as well as that does.

Having said that, in the interest of sharing some actual comedy once in a while, that interview referenced this improvised thing he did in Edinburgh, which was one of the few YouTube clips I did find of him doing stand-up I hadn't seen before, and I found it quite funny for something off the cuff:

I'm really sorry but while I'm sharing incredibly awkward clips from the John Robins YouTube rabbit hole, I need to show people this one of him picking up Sara Pascoe's Chortle Award when Animal won in the book category in 2017:

I'd say this about sums up how I justify the way they come across in each other's work: he got in a couple of (very mild) digs at her (before talking sincerely about how brilliant a book it was), which wasn't appropriate, making something about himself when it was a moment to celebrate her hard work. But also, she asked a guy to pick up her award three months after breaking up with him. That's kind of a strange thing to do, I'm pretty sure Sara Pascoe knew other people who attended the Chortle Awards. But it feels like that's how most of their stuff about each other works overall; they both do things that seem off and it evens out, and that is how I justify some otherwise indefensible material on both sides (okay more on his side than on hers though).

While I'm updating the post where I suggested taking just one quick look at the criteria, I am just going to leave this here, from one of the episodes in which James Acaster sat in while John Robins was off on his post-Perrier victory lap tour, and then we can all move on.

I'm not qualified to make any declarations here. But I have to say, "Even in a situation where he was a guest and supposed to be fitting into the environment, I don't know if he'd be able to hold back from interrupting someone to share his forty different facts" is the most autistic thing I've ever heard, at least since "He once kicked my light so hard that it broke because he complained that it was too loud" (quote relayed by David O'Doherty, from a stage technician on why he refused to work with Daniel Kitson).

Down a bit of a John Robins YouTube rabbit hole, on this fine Saturday night when I am at home and very determinedly not drinking alcohol. And I found this interview very funny. What a massive mistake, to let John Robins onto that subject and then think you're going to be able to get back to anything else.

I don't. I mean. I know we're really, really not supposed to do this. Not supposed to make assumptions about people we don't know, not even supposed to make these kinds of assumptions about people we do know. It isn't responsible to go around saying things like this. Even though that one person who did it to Pierre Novellie turned out to be right because it turns out what people say in comedy can sometimes be relevant to this, I mean I've heard John Robins talk for a lot more hours than my childhood therapist heard me talk before diagnosing me.

I won't actually say it. I will just say, John Robins is into his 40s now but doesn't seem in danger of hitting that thing that some comedians hit at that age, where your life is really settled and you're well established in your career and your long-term relationship and your family and all that, so there's not enough turbulence in your life to create any interesting ideas for shows about big life topics. Doesn't seem to be much of an issue for John Robins, his last few shows have been about a major breakup, living with harrowing regret and anxiety, and coming to terms with/abstaining from alcoholism, so he's hardly hurting for significant subject matter. Having said that, if he ever does run out of shit to talk about on stage and needs a new major thing to happen in his life, he might be able to come up with some ideas by having a quick cursory glace at the diagnostic criteria for autism spectrum disorder. Perhaps a chat with his old buddy Pierre Novellie or his old nemesis Stewart Lee. Perhaps. All I'm saying is that extremely visible level of relaxing after being allowed to get off non-preferred topics and onto preferred topics is a thing I see every day when I go to work. At an autism centre.

That aside, though, this interview's worth a watch because it's quite funny, if you find John Robins' style of "well actually" and barely contained pointless intensity funny.

[pixie88]

Oxford to the Cotswolds

Chapter 23 - Always the Bridesmaid.  

A/N: So here it is the LAST chapter of Always the Bridesmaid. I kinda feel  sad but I know it’s not the end of H&L.Thanks so much @aussieez​ for proof reading. Thank you again to all those following this story and continue to follow it, you have no idea how much it means to me that you take the time to read.😘  

I’m finalizing my tag list for this over the next few days, so again if you like to be tagged just let me know!

Read previous chapters HERE!

Warnings: Fluff & NSFW

Word Count: 2914

Pairings: Laila x Harry

Enjoy! 😘 

A week later.

After their little spat, Harry decided maybe now was the time to take up his parents offer of using their cottage. They had their trip planned out, they would leave London on the Sunday morning stop at Oxford for a day or two and get to his parents' cottage on the Tuesday afternoon. "We are staying in an old prison that has been converted into a hotel?" Laila asks as they drove along the M40 "Yeah, I thought it was unusual and right up your street?" he takes his eyes off the road for a second to wink at her "You know the whole cops and robbers thing"

She rolls her eyes and laughs, "I'm guessing you're the criminal?" he smirks. "Nah, I'm a law abiding citizen, my love. You seem like the troublemaker here!" she laughs, "I've been looking up all the sites we need to visit while we are there"

He knew she wouldn't be able to visit a place without doing her research.

"Where do you need to visit then?" she smiles at the fact he asked "So, there is the obvious Bridge of Sighs, which is kind of a copy of the Rialto Bridge in Venice, Carfax tower the views of Oxford, from there are supposed to be amazing, Martyr's Cross which is a cross they have in the road where two Anglican bishops and the Archbishop of Canterbury were burned, oh and there is a Harry Potter tour around the University as some scenes were filmed there and Oxford Castle which is right next door to our prison hotel!"

"Sounds like a couple of days of learning!" he laughs at her "NOT just learning! There is a bar with magical cocktails, ones in test tubes, with fire and even smoke!" she's excited.

Harry doesn't know it, but Laila is a bit of a history buff, if she goes somewhere new she will research the hell out of it. Not long after they moved to London Laila was still adjusting to life in the city, Ezra could see his granddaughter struggling, so he planned a day out with her.

They stood on platform 5 at Harrow and Wealdstone Station "Grandad, where are we going?" she asked him "You will see when we get there!" he smiles at her. The train ride wasn't long. Fifty minutes later they pulled into Bletchley Station "Grandad, why are we here?" he chuckled "And I thought you knew everything about World War 2!" he winks at her, but it doesn't click until 10 minutes later when they were standing outside Bletchley Park.

Laila's eyes are wide "Oh my god!! This....this is where Alan Turing cracked the enigma machine!!" she squealed with excitement before hugging him. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" she's beaming, she takes his hand and drags him through the doors.

This was one thing he and his granddaughter had in common, was their interest in World War 2. They spent hours looking around the huts where it all happened. He never saw her face light up so much as she looked around at the artefacts. They had a look around Station X (National Radio Centre) and when they finally reached the Mansion Laila was overjoyed "Grandad, just think all those people that helped crack the code have been in this very room...no house!!"

They spend hours looking around, before grabbing something to eat at hut 4 "Grandad, just think this is where they would get lunch or even dinner!" she looks around the hut "Laila, just think while they were here no one knew! They had to lie about working here, they couldn't tell anyone even family members. They had to take a vow of silence" he said.

This rang true, as years later Max was building an annex for a couple at the end of their garden and when he got talking to the Nan, whom the annex was being built for she told him how her mum worked at Bletchley Park and had to take a vow of silence which she kept until the park reopened as a museum in 1994.

When it was time to go home Laila couldn't thank him enough for taking her there "Just don't tell your brothers!" she laughs, "I've taken the Bletchley Park vow of silence!"

They finally arrived, Harry pulls into a parking space outside the hotel and a valet comes over Harry hands him the keys and they head in with their cases. They check in; "you will be on the fifth floor in room 135, so take the lift to the right once you go through those doors. Here is your room key and enjoy your stay!" she smiles. "I'm sure we will!" Harry grins at her before they make their way to their room.

"Did you ever watch the TV show Bad Girls?" Laila asks him as the lift takes them to the fifth floor. "I did! Izzy made me watch it with her. That woman that played Yvonne plays Shirley from Eastenders now, doesn't she?" she laughs, "I thought you don't watch it?" she nudges him as the doors open "I don't but when you put it on what am I supposed to do?" he winks.

"129...130...4 more rooms to go," she calls behind her. "Actually 5 more my love," he laughs, she turns to look at him "No! You don't include our room!" she protests. "I think you do," he laughs at her. "NO! No, you don't," he doesn't argue with her.

They dump their bags and head out to look around the city "Oh, they have a Harry Potter tour" Laila's tone is ecstatic, Harry sighs "Don't you want to do it?" she asks "If you want to we will do it" her eyes scan his face "Did the kids in school use to take the piss out of you in school because you had the same name?" she asks, he laughs, "No, if anything they used to call me...oh what was his fat mate called?"

"Crabbe?" she looks at him. "Yeah, that's the one," he offers a weak smile, she runs her fingers through his hair before her arms cling around his neck "Well, who's laughing now? I bet a lot of the girls and boys that bullied you regret it now! You are handsome, fit, funny and you are mine" she winks, he can't help smiling at her "And I have a drop dead gorgeous girlfriend" he says making her blush.

"We'll do something else," she smiles at him and kisses his lips "No, we'll do the tour if you want to!" she looks how long the tour is "2 hours, argh, I'd rather be doing some kinda cardio" he looks at her confused and she laughs, "use your imagination, you are a personal trainer" she winks. He quickly gets the hint "Right, what do we need to look at before I drag you back to the hotel?" he grins at her.

Later.

After dinner, they had back up to their room, "I'm going for a shower" Laila winks at him "OK, I'll grab one after you," she smirks "I was thinking more along the lines of you joining me," she doesn't have to ask him twice, he picks her up and she wraps her legs around his waist as he walks them to the bathroom.

After their shower, Laila notices the chocolate on the bed as she's drying herself. "Oh wow! They're shaped like handcuffs!" she giggles "Hmmm.....that reminds me," he wanders over to his case in just his towel and pulls out a pair of metal handcuffs. "And what do you intend to do with those Mr. Taylor?" she bites her lip "Oh, maybe make an arrest," he winks at her, she notices his arousal through the towel "Oh, on what grounds?" she asks.

"Hmmm....for being stubborn and sarcastic, but also gorgeous, funny, adorable and extremely impossible not to fall in love with" he stands in front of her, pulling off her towel until it drops to the floor. He cups her face, his thumb runs over her lips before capturing them with his, he lifts her arms above her head and his hands run up her arms before he suddenly cuffs her hands.

She smirks against his lips "Oh, PC Taylor, what do I have to do to get you to uncuff me?" his kiss becomes more intense. She drops her hands, so they are wrapped around his neck, he moves them until the backs of her knees hit the bed. They fall onto it with Harry landing on top of her "Well, Miss. Carelli, I think you can convince me somehow" his fingers finds her core.

She hisses at the contact, his other hand comes up and pins her arms above her head as he found her slick petals. "I thought I was the one who had to.....oh shit...convince you to free me," she can barely get her words out, his lips find her pulse line "How exactly are you planning on doing that?" he smirks against her neck.

"Stand up and I'll show you," he does as she says, she sits up and pulls off his towel. Grasping him, she works her hand along him a few times before her mouth follows the same path, he groans as his hips thrust forward in need. Her pillowy lips work along his hardened member, he grunts as her jaw slacks, taking him in further "Fuck...." he mutters.

He rocks his hips back and forth as her tongue runs along the ridges of his cock, he grips a fistful of her hair. His head fell back as he groans, "That's...it gorgeous! Fuck...".  She hums against him and her pace moves faster. His knees bucks, her apex is throbbing as she feels him nearing the edge "Laila....I'm...gonna....fuck!" he jerks as he hits his climax and he groans.

She releases him from her mouth and looks up at him. "Are you going to uncuff me now?" she asks as she's sat on her feet, he looks down at her with a grin. He lifts her up and throws her onto the bed, making her giggle "Hey, you said would take these off!" he has a mischievous grin on his face. "Well, Miss. Carelli! I prefer to have you like this, sorry." he captures her lips.

"That's not fair......." she protests, but she soon cuts off as he moves down her body to her centre, his hands grasp the back of both her thighs. His tongue moves apart her folds "Oh Harry!" she moves her arms to run her fingers through his hair. He pulls away, lifts her arms above her head again and kisses her lips "Keep them there!" he tells her before moving back to her core.

Her breathing hitches, he sucks against her clit, making her cry out "Ohhh"

A little later.

His legs are entwined with hers beneath the sheets, she's cuddled up against him as her head rests on his chest "When we get back do you think we should look at properties?" she lifts up and places her hand against his chest stroking his chest hair, looking up to him. He smirks at her, "definitely!" he strokes her hair away from her face "What if we have a look online now?" she stares into his ocean blue eyes and bites her lip waiting for his response.

He reaches for his phone "Let's have a look," he loads up and scrolls through the properties. "What are we going for?" he asks "Somewhere with gates, private drive and pool," she laughs, he digs his fingers into her ribs and she tries to wiggle away "Ahhhh! Harry! Stop!!"  his phone is discarded, he cups her face and claims her lips.

His body covers hers and he takes her against.

The next day.

They are back in the car on the way to Harry's parents cottage in Wyck Rissington, Gloucestershire.

Along the way they find a supermarket and grab a few essentials before they continued their drive. They arrive at the cottage 10 minutes later "Aww wow! This is cute!" she smiles as they get out the car. "And it's ours for the next few days" he winks at her.

They head inside, "wow, look at those beams!" she points up at the ceiling. "Have you been here before?" she looks to Harry. "Nah, Mum and Dad haven't let any of us use it...well until now" he winks.

Once they bring in their bags inside, he takes her hand and they have a look around when Harry spots a hot tub outside "Oh, what do we have here?" he nods as he opens the door "I didn't bring a swimsuit!" he has a devilish grin. "Who said anything about swimsuits?" she bit her lip and shook her head at him.

Harry runs Laila a bubble bath with candles around the tub and told her to relax while he cooked dinner. The water was warm against her skin as she sinks into the bathtub, a minute or so later there is a knock on the bathroom door before Harry wanders in with a glass of wine "Here you go, my love," she smiles up at him as she takes the glass "Thank you! So, what's for dinner?"

He leans over kisses her nose and winks "You'll find out when it's on the table. Now enjoy." He leaves her to it.

34 minutes later.

Laila walks into the bedroom and Harry has laid out a dress grey dress on the bed for her to wear. She smiles and starts to get dressed, underneath she puts on some lacy lingerie she had brought for the trip. When she's dressed, she goes in search for Harry, as soon as she saw him, she blushes but can't help but laugh.

"Harry!! What are you doing?" he's stood in the kitchen in just an apron and his boxers, he looks up at her and grins. "You've heard of the Naked Chef right?" he winks. "But he isn't actually naked!" she laughs at him. "I'm not either! I was thinking about it but I thought that would be unsanitary. I see you're wearing the dress I picked out for you." She makes her way over to him.

"Yeah, but the view would be...very sexy," she squeezes his behind "What's for dinner?" she looks around him on the kitchen side "Ah, ah, ah go and sit down," he moves, so she can't see, she sighs, "Fine!" Laila pulls out her phone and sends a picture she took earlier.

Laila looks over to Harry, biting her lip and he catches her checking him out. "You realise I'm not dinner right?" He says. She looks up catching his eye, "might not be dinner, but there is always dessert!" She winks twirling her hair. He chuckles turning back to cooking.

She puts down her phone as he comes over with 2 plates, placing them on table. "Ooo spaghetti and meatballs!" he pours them more wine, Laila twirls her fork collecting the spaghetti "Did you ever see the film The Lady and the Tramp?" she looks over to him. "I have. Mila made me watch it once." He laughs. "Do think we can do a Lady and the Tramp kiss?" she hold up a a string of spaghetti and he chuckles "We can try. Let me put it in my mouth first" Laila cracks and can't help but laugh "OH MY GOD!!"

"Come on, let's give it ago!" He takes the end of the spaghetti and lifts the other side to Laila, she takes it in her mouth and begins to get closer to Harry until their lips are just above each other's. He brushes his lips lightly over hers before pulling away. "Come on, eat up" he smiles at her and she rolls her eyes at him.

After dinner, he takes their plates. "I'll wash them up," she offers. "You can or I can put them in the dishwasher," he jokes, "Actually, you load the dishwasher. I'm going to start up the hot tub!" she gets up from the table "Already done, my love!" he winks at her. "Oh OK!" she stands and lets her dress fall off her shoulders until it's a puddle on the floor.

He looks her up and down. "I didn't bring a swimsuit, but this will do?" say asks as she makes her way to the back door. His eyes never leave hers, she grins, knowing she had him hook, line and sinker. He quickly closes the dish washer and chases after her, she squeals running from him and towards the door.

@lem-20​ @aussieez​ @secretaryunpaid​ @irisofpurple​ @khoicesbyk​ @txemrn​ @gloriousalmondvoiddreamer​ @tea-me-kah​ @casualpostqueen​ @beautifuluknownvoid​ @wombatsxkookaburras​

Their moans fill the night sky, both are blissfully happy.

Series 2 - Chapter 1

[bts5sosempire]

Yandere! BTS Reaction: Trap & Bound

A/n: *risen from the dead* I-I'm...alive!

Pairing: Yandere! Bts x Reader

Words: 1,663

Content: Slight mention of abuse, toxic relationship, horror/ thriller, delusional, force relationship, drugs, manipulation, etc.

Prompt: “Take care of me will you?”

Kim Seokjin:

Sitting in front of your vanity mirror with such a petrified look as you do your best to calm down and try not to breakdown. Jin was behind you, combing your luscious locks as he glides a comb down smoothly to tame the messy tresses. Never would you have thought this person was capable of being a monster.

Jin was everything a person would've wanted in their life before everything went downhill. He was charismatic, so funny with his lame puns and jokes, and to the point your parents liked him.

Hell, the reason why you're sitting in front of a vanity and being decorated like a bride for a wedding…that is was is happening now.

“You look so pretty,” he complimented before leaning down next to your face and smiles at you in the mirror. It would've sounded nice but the fact that you can see your parents mangled bodies behind you through the reflection is very off-putting. Clenching your hands together into fists, Jin chuckles, “Since you're gonna be a Kim alongside with me,” he then utter those words that cause dread to set within you.

Min Yoongi:

Breathing deeply as you feel another convulsion of a shock going through you again. You shaking hands grips the knife tightly in your hands.

Silently sobbing into the dark, you can't prevent any sounds coming out from your throat as the images of people who were precious to you like jewels lay dead in their own pool of blood.

“What do you want from me Yoongi?!” You scream angrily into the dark narrow hallway that was almost deprived of any light but was saved but a lone candle that seems to be walking closer to you in the hands of someone.

“What do I want from you?” Yoongi mocks your question rhetorically before a slight laugh and scoff came from them. “That's a good question,” he brings the candle closer to his face to show there was blood splatter across as it glint by the light. “Since you've made me so crazy for you and you're all I ever see in my head,” he stalks closer to your face and held the candle closer to you both, and whisper those words to you so soft and dangerous.

The candle then was blown out as a scream echo out.

Jung Hoseok:

Faintly tracing the marred scars on your collarbone you look at your haggard self in the mirror. Dried blood smear on your lips due to being abused. Tired eyes from the lack of sleep. Bruises of handprints litter on your body due to being mistreated.

The sound of the door being knock open at the front brought you back from reality. Quickly putting your clothes—that was given by Hoseok, you open the bathroom door and fear overtook your body. Your heart was hammering loudly in your ears and it feels like it wants to bust out from your chest.

“(Name)!” Hoseok shouted in the house. He sounded angry by the tone and use of your name.

Slowly approaching the man, he throws a knife pass your head that implanted deeply on a dartboard and you stop walking immediately and close your eyes in fright.

“What took you so long? Also, did I tell you to stop walking?” His eyes dangerously narrow at you and you shook your head as a ‘no’ to appease him. Continue towards him, his mood shifted immediately to a happy one you recognize during the first few months of dating him. “Come here,” he opens his lap for you while extending a hand out at you.

Slowly accepting his hold, he pulls you into his lap and you tense up. It's not like he cares anyway. “Since I have been so nice to you for so long, why don't you…” He whispers out while one of his hands glides underneath your shirt.

Kim Namjoon:

Hands clutching onto a much stronger one as the feeling of life is being depleted from you every second. Water spills everywhere from the bathtub from the frantic kicking and erratic movements.

Namjoon pulls you out of the tub of ice cold water and you gasp out for air. He tosses the glasses he was wearing somewhere in the bathroom as his white dress shirt was drench in water, which shows his chest and his stomach.

You were coughing and shivering in the bathtub. You were also sure that your lips were purple too.

“I've been patient (Name), and you're just taking advantage of it.” He was calm, and you can see he was disappointed in you. “I also expect much better behavior from you from now on.” Namjoon took off his tie and start to unbuttoned his wet see-through shirt. “Get out of the bath and drain the water, draw me a warmer one.” He then proceeds to pull you up from the bathtub by the arm. One of his arms snake around your waist that spare no personal space.

Namjoon then whispers those words slow and seductive, which cause you to squirm in his hold.

Park Jimin:

You never thought something so innocent and pure would destroy your world overnight like this. Sitting in front of you was Jimin who happily talk to you minus the mess of dismembering corpses blood and bodies were everywhere in the room.

“Noona did you listen to me?” The man pouted and shook you slightly. Snapping back to reality, you stutter out a few incoherent words in fear. Seeing you try to answer him he just giggles at you. He thought it was cute how you were so afraid of him, “It's okay,” one of his bloodied hand went to your face, “I get that being newlyweds must be kind of shocking.”

“What do you mean newlyweds?” Your question makes the man pout again, and you gulp nervously at what he was about to say.

“I ask if you were okay that today we are married to each other, and you nodded. I even ask the part of wanting children too and you also nodded.”

Oh fuck, you're so screwed.

Jimin then grasp your hands tightly and pull you across the table to him, “You won't lie to me right?” You were so afraid that his eyes darken and you just nodded at what he said. “Great!” He let's go of your hands and clap his hands together, “Let's get started!” What Jimin said next didn't match his cheerful manner, those words that he said only makes you more afraid.

Kim Taehyung:

Nothing seems to register to you, every time you look at the paper the world seems to spin around you. “Dr. Kim,” you childishly called out to Taehyung who was busy giving you a drug through the IV drip that'll keep your mind like a child, “I don't understand this!”

Taehyung snatch the paper from you and scan the paper, “Where do you get this?”

“I got it from outside! Doesn't the girl in the paper look like me?” Proudly telling him, the man hit your face. This made you whimper as you feebly hold your cheek in pain.

“What did I tell about the outside world?”

Cowering under his tone you can't help it but cry. “Y-You told me not to go outside and to never do it.”

“Good that you remember, and yet you still do it,” he then pulls out an electrical rod from a drawer, “but there is punishment for consequences too.”

Your eyes widen and you start to hyperventilating in your chair. “I'm sorry please don't hurt me!”

“You do know how hard it is for me to take care of you don't you? But I can let this slip if you'll be willing to please me.” That somehow made your ears perk up. “If you're willing to take care of me and help me lure the bastard who had handed you that flyer then I can let this go.” There was a smirk from him and a dark glint in your eyes. And without hesitation, you told him, ‘yes’ and that made him happy.

Jeon Jungkook:

Chain to the bed headboard you try to tugged the cuff links just to make sure that there would be a defect in the links.

“What are you doing baby?”

You look at the door to found an amuse Jungkook who cocks a brow at you while leaning against the doorframe. Blowing hair out if your face you just roll your eyes at him and throw your head back into the pillows.

Jungkook heavy boots approach your prison form. The man looms over you. He grabs your jaws and let his thumb caress the bruise underneath before pressing it and this cause you to lash out violently at him in pain. But the cuffs prevent you from doing it so.

“You don't like it when I'm being nice nor mean to you, so you better pick a side and stick to it, baby.” Palming your face with his callous hand be gives a few slaps. You spit at Jungkook and he just chuckles, “Guess mean it is.”

He then presses a finger at the barely close wound on your stomach and you scream in pain as he digs it deeper to open it back up. Sinister as he is, he can replace the devil anytime.

Taking his finger out he then drew a heart on your unbruised side of the face. Blood seeps out from the wound. “I can be nice sometimes, all you had to do is just swallow your pride and submit to me.” He then drums his fingers down your bloodied stomach, “But then again, it's your turn so…”

His sweet voice says such words that sound so vehemently in your mind makes you wish you were dead.

[phaedo]

no one said the only disabilities that count are mobility issues (which is already a super broad category that covers a number of different types of disability, as you said sometimes including dyspraxia). no one said ryan didn't count as a disabled character either. no one said this was the first ever disabled character!

but i don't see why i have to like. name other disabled characters to make a post about this disabled character. especially when there is a stigma around using mobility aids such as wheelchairs and when visible disability is so often considered unpalatable and shied away from and when so many of the narratives we get (including ryan's i'm not going to lie) are really insulting towards disability and disabled people. like i definitely don't want to say/imply that ryan's disability doesn't count, this post just like. wasn't about ryan.

and to be clear they could really fuck up this character too, and if this post had been... anything more than an off-the-cuff reaction, i would've said that the mere fact of having a disabled character actually isn't enough, because if the narrative is insulting i would rather not have had to see it to begin with. a lot of people don't necessarily feel this way but i do (i feel this way about a lot of chibnall era in general. which has made me unpopular in some spaces).

also like... this post wasn't necessarily referring specifically to either actors or characters, but i do think another piece of it is that we are seeing a disabled actor playing a disabled character. which we don't get very often! like in new who we've seen that in one-off side characters (hanne in it takes you away and cass in under the lake/before the flood, although both of their narratives also had varying amounts of weird insulting stuff) and like this is probably also a one-off side character to be fair but like. if i'm saying "they're putting disabled people in doctor who" at least 50% of what i mean by that is "I SAW A DISABLED ACTOR IN A PROMO PICTURE." (if tosin cole is disabled/has dyspraxia that is news to me and i will happily factor that in in the future. but as far as i know he isn't openly disabled?)

anyway i feel like i'm not saying what i actually want to say here but my thoughts are so incoherent right now (not because of this) i honestly can't get at it. i just like... am frustrated by the idea that i have to clarify and qualify everything i say. especially when like... yeah i could've said "person with mobility aids" or "visibly disabled" or whatever in this post (although then i'm sure people would've come after me about invisible disability which would've been very funny considering that i too have an invisible/conditionally visible disability) but like. the crux of what i'm excited about is disability! and the hope of an actually good narrative around disability! and maybe even an actual interrogation and discussion of how disability affects life with the doctor (which i was also excited about with ryan but i do not think they executed it)! and disability that you can't ignore or deny or sweep under the rug! and like maybe it'll suck i'm trying not to get my expectations up too high but like. i don't know.

disabled people in doctor who. this is not a drill they're putting disabled people in doctor who. hello can anyone hear me