#which is an incredible book and also hurts a lot. embarrassed myself at book club by saying certain things were so real and relatable

[wistfulrat]

a 4-part rec list of my fave drarry fics - the thrillers, dramas, soft bois, and wankbanks getting me through 2020′s shitstorm

[the soft boi list is here and truly i’m not surprised this rec is going to be the longest bc if there’s one thing a bitch is going to do, it’s yearn.

as always! if you love a fic, follow the authors, leave kudos & comments, send them nice msgs bc free art is still labor xoxo]

part 3: soft bois

mood: for when I need respite, a balm to the all-consuming shittiness of life

includes: fluff, comfort, low-stakes, slow-burn fics. a wistful look, a rainy morning, an unexpected grace, a stupidly disarming joke. i could live inside these fics. the smallness of human lives removed from the site of that which hurts & irreparably changes. the story-equivalent of a deep breath after a long day. pregnant silences & pensive mundanity & shy smiles. banter with bite but without the cruelty. the color lavender. weirdly whimsical. soft fics are not necessarily conflict-averse (no drarry fic rly can be, considering the context) but, they offer the reader a generous distance from the initial harm. they’re the quiet cleaning up after a storm. sometimes healing is an exacting surgical knife and other times it’s a slow scabbing. you read these fics to be reassured that the way forward is not always ruthless. and honestly?? they deserve a semblance of peace godDAMmit.

The Way Down by @letteredlettered - 65k - T “and I thought that if someone talked to you as though you were a human being you might—maybe you could act like one” --the way i think about this line daily. the characterization of draco in this fic is one my favorites bc he’s earnest and neurotic and tired of harry’s shit. which is to say, he cares so so much. and harry doesn’t know what to do with that bc he’s got a monster in his chest and lives as a recluse. but they both humanize each other in ways no one else can. “you’re just a person” has to be some kind of drarry ethics of belonging and it makes me CRY. -

Little Deaths and How to Avoid Them by @greaseonmymouth and dustmouth - 96k - T “Maybe it’s not about deserving it? Maybe you just get to have it anyway. . .I’m allowing myself to want something and to let myself have it and to fight for it.” --harry runs a daycare and also works at a library. draco spends a lot of time in said library. they bond over sci-fi books and therapy anecdotes and quiet philosophical conversations held over cafeteria soup. and harry’s struggling to understand his asexuality. draco’s learning how to live with anxiety and depression. they both want to be deserving of love. incredible fic with beautiful art by dustmouth. - 

Open for Repairs by @drarrytrash - 35k - T “A few leaves rustle in the gutter and the muggle world pays no mind to them, to two lost boys holding on for dear life.” --all of their fics feel exactly like this. like you’ve been allowed to look at something private, tender, unexpected. draco, known abba fan, is a repairman in the muggle world & harry can’t stop breaking thrifted things in order to see him? say less, i'm thERE. also “I think I have a crush on you” goddddd  - other faves by them: Counting Down By Ten - 2k - T: draco’s stepped outside of the party for a smoke. harry follows him bc of course he does. i could read this 100 times and not get tired of it. - Clouds That Veil the Midnight Moon - 36k - E: FUCKING HILARIOUS I CACKLED THROUGH THE WHOLE THING. draco’s wolfy problem and harry helping him and harry being flustered by how much he likes draco and draco’s hot heroic moment. shutup it’s perfect. “He almost asks if Draco ever gets tired of being a miserable complaining shit all the time, but he knows that he, personally, never ever gets tired of being a miserable complaining shit.” and “It’s the traumas,” Harry says gravely” --lines that live rent free in my head -

Harry Potter and the Future He Doesn't Really Want, Thanks by seefin - 70k - E “That was the only logical thing to do here, wasn’t it? It was the next step, it was the end of hurting each other and the beginning of the exact opposite.” --harry lives with luna and neville and also he dreams about the future sometimes? and he keeps running into draco. draco thinks this is sus as hell, until he doesn’t. feat. taxi rides, museums, cinemas, rooftop conversations beneath a lunar eclipse, mid-sex innocuous banter, draco and harry discussing nicki minaj. this fic charmed my ass off. seefin writes the most effortlessly hilarious dialogues. i smiled at my phone like an idiot at least 7 times. -  other faves by them: Wild - 93k - E: “he liked feeling needed, for the things that he was needed for back at the house in Ireland. For cooking and gardening and driving. Easy things.” --this shit makes me cry it’s so good. harry lives in Ireland with these three brilliant, hilarious, wandless witches and draco’s a potions student who's come to study under one of the housemates and the boys have so much shit to work through but their love becomes so tender and honest. draco yells at harry a lot and harry lets him and they both keep each other grounded in something real and fuCK.  - Divination for Dickheads - 7k - G: “I’m terrible at having crushes. I’ve never played anything cool a day in my life.” -- oh harry, we knOW. a bus ride, a fortune teller, an aquarium birthday party. god i love this fic. -

Modern Love by @tackytigerfic​ - 61k - E “But we’ve worked so hard at this, haven’t we? Yeah, I know it’s a horror to have to talk about it, but fuck it. We’re friends now, but it took so long to get here. Have you ever had to work so hard at something before?" --the steady blossoming of their friendship in this fic is so goddamn beautiful i want to yell. it’s draco and harry learning to trust each other and the whole thing unfolds so slowly, in this whimsical mix of london streets, wizarding politics, church halls feat. a Hot vicar, and a magical antique shop owner who’s married to literal poseidon?? goD the environment of this fic. immaculate. [also there’s a tender shower scene that makes me cry every single fucking time so if you read this fic pls dm me so we can be embarrassing about it together tbh] -

Nice Things by aideomai - 22k - M “He kept waiting for the weird shock of touch to not knock him clean out of his head, leave him quiet and warm and happy.” --8th year. harry forms an unlikely friendship with draco that begins with smoking weed on a windowsill. harry is touch-starved and draco touches him like he touches all his close friends - like it’s easy. the quiet affection in this fic, the way harry burrows himself into touch bc he’s been without it for his entire life. reading this is like being held. -

Running On Air by @tinyhistory​ - 74k - T “do you remember when we were eleven?” --alexa play coldplay’s the scientist it’s sad girl hours and we’re about to fucking yearn. you’ve seen this fic rec on every drarry list under the sun and i'm here to be redundant. the hype is so goddamn real. this story is a lyrical masterpiece held together by lines that act as refrains that will rattle around your brain until you die, probably. draco’s been missing for 3yrs. harry goes to find him. it’s their odyssey of homecoming. -

Title of Their Sex Tape by @cibeewastaken - 12k - T “But Draco, Draco was everything but boring. Draco made sitting in the rain watching an empty house fun.” --auror partners pining and draco being eccentric and harry being very earnestly gay about draco’s eccentricities!! god this fic is so genuinely fun skskd feat. undercover missions, murderous faeries, a book heist, a stunning navy dress, harry’s eyelashes. -

How We Throw Our Shadows Down by @thistle-verse - 14k - T “Draco is about to say something else— to thank Potter for what he’d done, however poorly— but Harry is smiling at him again, and it’s so soft and perfect that Draco holds in any inadequate words, lest he spoil it.” --draco collects tea cozies and of course harry has the one he wants. the sad and tender gays are at it again feat. conversations in the rain at a train station, melancholy Blaise, muggle photos, wizarding e-bay, the Dursleys.  -

Helix by Saras_Girl - 92k - E “Draco sighs in his sleep and Harry clings on to consciousness, needing to hold on, to give this tiny, insignificant moment the attention it deserves” --I think maybe you can describe every soft Saras_Girl story as giving tiny, insignificant moments the attention they deserve. like, this is an 8th year fic about snails and it’s full of whimsy, grief, compassion, and easy humor. an absolute must-read author in this genre if you want languorous, episodic fics full of distinct OCs and affectionate creatures. - other faves by them: Light up the Night Sky - 98k - M “Draco, sometimes you make my head feel like soup” --the one where harry is a fireworks artist and has a pet chameleon named ken. draco is on the wizarding arts council. they both pine like hell. - Headlights in the Snow - 71k - M “they stare at each other in silence, Harry’s heart beating so loud in his chest that he thinks the biddies must be able to hear it over the sound of their card game.” --the one where draco drives the knight bus and carts around the biddy club, a group of rambunctious old ladies who knit and drink tea and gossip. harry can’t help but fall in love with the everything about this. -

Follow the Water by @xanthippe74 - 38k - T “Harry’s heavy thoughts lift at the sight, like dark clouds blown away from the sun by the wind. The tent doesn’t feel so cramped and stifling now. It feels cozy. And safe. It’s the same feeling that Harry gets when he’s at the Burrow for Sunday roasts, when a group of people who care for each other deeply are crammed into too-small a space.” --harry wanders to the lovegood house on a sunday afternoon. he’s baffled to see that luna’s taken pansy, greg, and draco under her wing. what follows is a summer of forest walks, scavenger hunts, gardening, water fights, odd cakes, faerie rings, and picnics. so many picnics. i love the pace of this fic, the innocent return to childhood things, the way luna brings out the best in all her friends. reluctantly soft slytherins are just *chefs kiss*!! -

Going Postal (A 125pg comic) by dustmouth - T what. a. beautiful. ass. comic. the wizarding fashion, the textures, the character design!! harry travels a lot for his job as a resourcer. draco works in the regulations dept. they pine like a bunch of lovesick idiots via field report notes. god i love dustmouth’s art. -

All the Earnest Young Men by @tepre​ - 29k - E “Draco is twenty-seven layers of personality wrapped up in drama and humour, and a wit so sharp it still stings when he doesn’t see it coming. But there is something below that, too. Something that makes Harry ache just looking at him.” --the way i would lay down my little life for tepre’s characterization of draco, whom invented the word earnest. he’s a magical art theory expert and portraits are disappearing all over London and harry’s the auror assigned to this case. and well. they’re both so very avoidant about how gay they are for each other and it’s like!! shutup and kiss!! which they do in fact, shutup and kiss.  -

Trenches by sara_holmes - 3k - M “Somewhere in the distant part of his mind that hasn't frozen solid, he thinks that maybe he and Draco are about to become more than auror partners, smoking buddies, wine-mates and co-inhabitants of a snow filled trench somewhere in western Scotland.” --the plot line here is literally “it’s cold and i need a fucking cigarette” but let me tell you how I never tire of the shared loaded-silences of two emotionally repressed gays. -

The Years Before Love by lomonaaeren - 13k - M “That’s one of the meanings of peace, he thinks, as Hermione hugs him...That he can do things slowly, softly, without worrying that they won’t be there tomorrow.” --andromeda taking harry under her wing and harry finding solace in teddy. narcissa and draco showing up and the tentative relationships that slowly develop in the quiet calm of andromeda’s house. found families and kisses in the snow and special xmas gifts ugh what’s not to love -

The Moon Looks Lovely Tonight by Omi_Ohmy - 35k - M “I want this to be a house where people are welcome, where they don’t have to be any one way or another” --in which harry collects lost things--owls, best friends, inept bakers, potions experimenters--and turns the mausoleum that is grimmauld place into a home. feat. your fave drarry tropes like shared-beds and reluctant waltzing partners. -

[part 1: thrillers | part 2: dramas | part 3: soft bois | part 4: wankbanks]

[footballfanfictions]

The thrill of the chase - Chapter Two

Pairings: Mason Mount/OC, Ben Chilwell/OC

Authors Note: Sorry that this has taken a little longer than anticipated and thank you so much for all the love for the first part.

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One of the main drawbacks of working with social media, is that you are always on social media and you’re constantly bombarded with information and images that make you feel downright crap about yourself.

I’d been asked to take over the instagram page of one of the high profile players at the club and his entire feed was just one supermodel and influencer after the other with the odd footballer thrown in to balance it out. They were all so stunning that it truly made me feel awful about myself, how could it not? My salary was pretty good for a new graduate but not quite good enough for weekly manicures, lip fillers and hair extensions and my time management wouldn’t stretch for that either, I barely made my eyebrow wax appointments.

I was trying to avoid looking at the player’s DMs while I posted a few pictures from the pre-season training sessions to his feed, but the notifications pinging every few minutes was getting quite annoying.

Has it been Brianna with access to his account and not me, she would have gone straight to his messages to read them. I preferred to live in blissful ignorance to the sleazy ways of the men around me. I already felt like finding a good guy was absolutely hopeless.

I had been renting a flat and I was saving for a deposit to buy a house, hoping that by the time I had saved up enough to buy that I would have found the right person to live with. If I were to attempt this alone, with London house prices I would be around  60 by the time I had saved enough alone.

The message notifications continued to come in and whoever Sam was, she was really keen.

I logged out after posting the final image and prayed I wouldn’t have to go into it again. The less I knew about their private lives, the better. It would be pretty awkward to be sat in the staff and players’ family box at a game knowing that the wife of someone I knew was cheating was close by. Best to steer clear of those complications.

Brianna hadn’t visited my office at all and by 12 I was both worried and hungry and decided to go looking for her.

I tried the kit room first but it was empty and surprisingly tidy. Dave kept a tight ship and liked everything to be in its place but it wasn’t often possible with the sheer volume of kits that needed to be looked after.

As I backed out of the kit room and closed the door, I felt something hit me in the back.

“Sorry” mumbled the voice from behind me. “I was looking for Dave, I need a new top.”

I knew who it was but I didn’t really want to turn around and look at him.

“They’re not in there, I was just looking for him and Brianna too.” I responded in an emotionless tone, shrugging.

“Why are you being so weird?” he asked.

I turned to face him then and gave him a look of contempt before I answered him. “Maybe I just don’t enjoy spending time around footballers?”

“No offence love, but I think you might be in the wrong job if that is the case.” he put his hand on the door, next to my head where I was practically pinned against the door by how close he was to me. Only then did I realise that the training top that he was wearing was ripped, front he shoulder to his navel, the material hanging and exposing his toned chest and abs. I tried to look away but he had caught me looking and was now smirking.

“Maybe it’s just you that puts me off.” I shrugged as I ducked under his arm, escaping from my position between him and the door.

“You really don’t like me?” He huffed. “I don’t remember doing anything to offend you personally.”

“Maybe I’m offended that privileged young lads get money, fame and praise just for kicking a ball around a muddy field. Try something more impressive, like curing cancer or performing life saving surgery, ending world hunger, ending wars.” I groaned in frustration. Maybe that was the truth of it. Why should he get all the praise and admiration that he got, just for playing a sport? There were so many incredible people in the world doing, or working towards the things in that list that never got half the praise that Mason Mount did for kicking a ball.

He looked a bit dumb struck.

I went in again, “Maybe I don’t like you assuming that I should be into you, just because you’re Mason Mount, England and Chelsea midfielder. Maybe that’s what the girls in the club that throw themselves at your feet are into, but it’s not for me.”

I made to leave and he grabbed my hand and mumbled, “Sorry, I’ll leave you alone from now on.”

I didn’t respond. Just pulled my hand from his and stormed off towards the boot room, leaving him outside of the kit room in his ripped shirt.

“Fuck it smells like feet in here.” I complained, walking into the boot room with my nose pinched between my fingers in disgust.

“When I said that I liked shoes to dad, this is not what I meant.” Brianna laughed.

“What are you doing in here, I didn’t think boots were part of your job?” I asked, perching on one of the benches while Bri sat on the floor, sorting through a massive pile of boots to try and match up the pairs. They were in all sorts of bright colours and differing sizes. If I had to guess, I’d guess that she had been at her task for hours.

“Dad and the boot guy had some sort of emergency” she shrugged.

I laughed at that, wondering what kind of emergency you could have that involved kits and boots. Maybe they hadn’t ordered the right brand or something and one of the stars wasn’t going to get his cash from his boot deal if they didn’t find him the right pair.

There was a little tap on the sliding glass door that lead out onto the pitches and stood there was the guy from the other day that had held the door to the cafeteria open for us. He looked a little sheepish.

“Are you going to let him in?” I asked Bri, trying to unbury her from the pile of boots by throwing some of them into a pile, all of the orange ones in one corner, the yellow in another pile and pink in another and so on.

“Oh yeah.” she said, standing and brushing herself off, and adjusting her skirt that rode up her thighs slightly. The guy had noticed and I watched as he tried to look away and then down at his feet. At first I hadn’t thought that his shyness was that genuine. Footballers were all confident cocky little shits in my book, I’d never met one that was shy and unsure of himself.

Bri unlocked the door and let him in.

“I’m sorry to bother you, but only one of these fits” he said, holding up a pair of lime green boots and giving Bri an apologetic smile.

“Oh shit” she said, taking the pair from him and inspecting them. “I’ve given you one 10 and one 9.5.” she looked through the pile of lime green boots until she said “aha!” triumphantly brandishing another size 10 boot. “Here you go my love.”

That as just Bri’s way, she called everyone little pet names all the time, but he didn’t know that and he was blushing profusely and I was almost certain that his hands were shaking as he laced the boots up.

“Thank you so much.” he mumbled, looking like he was about to die of embarrassment. He turned to walk back out of the sliding door, but hadn’t realised that Bri had shut it behind him, so he ended up walking straight into the glass, hitting it with enough force to emmit a cracking noise from his nose which was suddenly streaming with blood.

I jumped up from my seat and crossed the room to him, avoiding the piles of boots the best that I could, not wanting to add myself to the casualty list.

I had an unused tissue in my pocket, that I took out and pressed to his nose. It was instantly bright red and the blood poured straight through it.

“Bri can you go and warn the medical room that we need to bring him down?” I asked.

She nodded in agreement and rushed out of the room.

I put my arm around his waist and guided him back over to the benches. He sat down and I slipped my cardigan off. It was a very thin material and already a deep shade of red. I didn’t let him protest as I replaced the tissue with my cardigan. It was the best that we had, and he looked like he was in a lot of pain.

“I’ve never seen anyone get that flustered before.” i laughed, sitting down beside him. He managed to give me a pained grin.

‘It’s Bri isn’t it? Is she why you were waiting by the canteen door the other day?” I asked gently, patting him reassuringly on the back. “I wanted to send her out of the room so that I could ask you, and also to reassure you that you shouldn’t be embarrassed about this. I’ve seen Bri do a lot more embarrassing things. She’s always falling over and hurting herself. You would make quite the pair.” I laughed.

He shook his head and mumbled “I can’t ask her out”.

“Why the hell not?” i scoffed.

“She has a boyfriend doesn’t she?” he shrugged, looking really sombre.

“Ah no, not anymore. Things are definitely over between her and that prick, and between you and me, if she ever gets back together with him, I’ll give her a matching broken nose.” I bumped shoulders with his, trying to cheer him up, just as Bri came back into the room and told us that the medical room were waiting for him.

“Can you come with me?” he asked, not talking to Bri, but to me instead.

“Sure, I would do anything to get out of work this afternoon. Our twitter page today is just full of fans that are disappointed that we didn’t use the Hazard money to sign Messi.” I laughed, getting up and guiding him towards the door.

“Can we catch up later?” I asked Bri before leaving the room, she nodded and told me she would be free all evening.

As we walked down the corridor I said to him “See, no plans to see a boyfriend” and he blushed again.

One of the medical assistants rushed out to meet us and guided him into the room exclaiming “Billy, what the hell? How have you done that?”

He shrugged, clearly feeling embarrassed about how he had injured himself. So when they looked over at me for clarification, I shrugged too.

Billy wasn’t the only player needing the use of the treatment room. As he sat down on one of the chairs, I noticed that Ben was in there too.

The medic went about dabbing Billy’s nose and he cried out in pain.

“Sorry about your cardigan.” he said, looking down at the red material on his lap. He didn’t need it now that he was getting patched up.

“Honestly don’t worry about it Billy.” I grinned.

The medic then mumbled something about needing something and left the room.

That gave Billy a bit more confidence to talk about what had happened.

“And thank you for the advice about your friend.” Billy seemed a bit happier as he said that, and I could see Ben out of the corner of my eye looking over at us as Billy spoke.

“Please tell me you’re going to ask her out!” Ben laughed.

I turned to look at him and smiled. “You know?”

Ben nodded and looked at Billy with a horrified expression “Oh god, you asked her out and she punched you.”

I shook my head. “Not exactly.” I said.

“The boyfriend was here for some reason, and he punched you?’ Ben went on, standing up and coming over to Billy. He walked with a slight limp.

He stood in between us.

“Why are you in here if you don’t mind me asking?” I looked down at his leg while asking the question.

“It’s my hamstring, nothing too serious.” He smiled.

“Don’t laugh at me when I tell you how I did this.” Billy warned, pointing at his nose. “I walked into a sliding glass door that I thought was open, all because she gave me a pair of boots and called me love.” he groaned, covering his face in embarrassment.

Ben laughed and clapped Billy on the back with his hand. “Oh mate, no wonder you’re embarrassed.” he then addressed me, asking “Just how cringy was it?”

I shook my head before answering him, “I honestly don’t think it was that bad. Bri is pretty oblivious sometimes and I don’t actually think she realised the real reason for you hurting yourself. So if you were to pluck up the courage to speak to her, I wouldn’t even bring it up.”

_________________________________________________________

The next day, I was looking out at the training pitches while I waited for the coffee machine to finish making my drink when there was a gentle tap on my door.

I crossed the room and opened it, expecting it to Bri or maybe even the club photographer giving me some new pictures of the squad to use, but it was Ben.

“Hi, are you free?” he asked, giving me one of his sweet smiles.

“Yeah come in.” I said, stepping back into my office and letting him pass me so that I could hold the door open.

“That coffee smells nice”. He remarked.

“Do you want one? Or did I put you off the other day?” I smiled.

“Ah no thanks, and no you didn’t put me off. I’ve never really liked the stuff. I like the smell of coffee, it just doesn’t taste as good as it smells.” as he spoke I realised that he was holding something in a plastic bag.

He realised that I was looking at it. “It’s your cardigan. I washed it for you at home. Think I got all the blood out but it’s red so I can’t really tell.”

I was for once, speechless. It was a small gesture but it was really kind all the same. I thought about making a witty remark about it actually being his mother or an employed cleaner that washed it for him but I just couldn’t bring myself to.

“Thank you, you didn’t have to do that. It’s only an old primark cardigan.” I said, taking the bag from him.

I suddenly felt a bit flustered in his company. He had that charming smile and didn’t really look like a cocky footballer to me. He didn’t act like one much either, he was just kind of like the guy next door, or the guy you would see on Tinder with a picture of him with his mates at the only photo on the profile so you couldn’t tell which one you were swiping for.

In all honesty, he kind of reminded me of my ex boyfriend Rory. He had the same sort of look, and they had similar accents. Maybe it was nostalgia that made me find being around Ben comforting.

‘I think your coffee is done.” he said, gesturing to the machine.

I nodded and walked over to the machine, taking the cup and adding some creamer and sugar. As I stirred the cup, he leant against my desk and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Something is bothering me if I’m honest.” he said.

“What is it?” I asked curiously.

“Mason said that you told him that you hate all footballers because we’re privileged and get too much clout for what we do.” He looked slightly disappointed in me. “Thing is, I don’t entirely disagree with you. Maybe we do get paid too much for what we do, and maybe doctors and nurses deserve way more praise than we do. I also don’t think that you hate all footballers. You were really kind to Blly yesterday and he won’t forget that in a hurry. You really helped him.” he continued.

“I don’t hate Billy, and I don’t think I hate you either.” I said quietly, taking a sip of my coffee.

“That is interesting.” he grinned, as he took one of my hands and guided me over to him, to stand in between his legs where he now sat on the edge of my desk.

Instinctively I put my coffee cup down and he put his arms around my waist.

“It’s interesting?-” he cut me off before I could say anything else, by pressing his lips against mine. The kiss is soft and gentle and lasts only a few seconds. He testing me and my brain is going in so many different directions. Am I actually going back on all of my principles and kissing a fucking footballer right now? And am I only doing it because he reminds me of my ex?

He moves to pull away, breaking the contact between our lips and I let out the tiniest whimper before putting my hand on the back of his head and pulling him back in for more. This time his tongue slips past my parted lips. My hand at the back of his head grips a generous handful of his hair and one of his hands makes its way to my bum.

My body feels like it is on fire. It has been a bloody long time since anyone kissed or touched me, and I hadn’t quite realised just how starved of affection I had been until I got a taste of it, a taste of him.

The telephone on my desk started to ring,and although I tried to ignore it, I just couldn’t. My job meant a lot to me and if it were Marina or someone of equal importance I would be chastised for missing the call.

We broke the kiss at the same time and I apologised to him. He grinned and fired back that I didn’t need to apologise and that he needed to get back to training, and by the time I picked up the phone, he was gone.

[magicrowiswritingstuff]

"The Party" – Jason Todd x female!reader

Summary: Jason asks the reader to join him on a party he is invited to. The only problem? The reader gets easily overwhelmed when being surrounded by a lot of people. But wanting to get over this fear she accepts either way. Also: The personality for the reader is the same as from my "Batboys Headcanons", it’s a pre-established relationship and (F/N) means "friend’s name".

Warnings: so much fucking fluff, suggestive themes (slightly), panic attack/social anxiety? (it just evolved on its own while I wrote this one so I’m not sure how accurate it is à read NOTE)

Category: fluffy angst (?)

Words: about 8.000

Note: I wanted to write about an introverted reader during a party but I think it turned a little bit into reader having a panic attack? (unintentionally, so I’m sorry if everything is not a 100% correct) Note 2: Also, I’m probably doing a second part with reader and Jason going to a gala Bruce hosts…

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"The Party" – Jason Todd x fem!reader

You had never been on a party before. The only time you would meet a lot of people intentionally was for family celebrations. But being around a lot of people became more common after meeting Jason. Being invited to dinner at the manor alone matched the family celebration you were used to. But you quickly realized that you enjoyed Alfred's food and the company of Jason's family. They were all very friendly and you always felt welcomed whenever you were visiting so you never felt overwhelmed. However, you had never really gone to any drinking parties or clubs or anything like that since a few years. Those things just weren't for you. Being around a lot of people exhausted you and sometimes even made you anxious. And you hated it so much. You wanted to be spontaneous and fun. You wanted to go out with friends, talk with strangers easily or just for once enjoy a party. You didn't want to hold people back and be the one who declined every invitation. But saying "No" was just so easy. It was far easier than going to a party and trying to get over your fears. You couldn’t help yourself, being at your apartment, especially when Jason was with you, was just the best form of entertainment and fun you wanted. On one lazy afternoon you and Jason were cuddling on the sofa in your apartment. You were leaning against his chest, his legs to either of your sides and his arms held upright on your shoulders. Snuggling against him you turned the page of your book with a smile, Jay did the same with his book he was holding above your head. You loved those days, you loved spending time with Jason, just reading books together in silent harmony. That was what you wanted, just the two of you enjoying the silence. But then he put his head on top of yours and you knew he was demanding your attention but didn’t want to speak up just yet. You only questioningly hummed but continued reading. "I got invited to a party" he spoke up and went straight to the point. Dropping your book on your lap you stared at the blank wall in front of you and felt how your heart sank. You already knew what he was about to ask. He would want you to join. And one side of you found it incredibly sweet but the other side of you instinctively tensed up. Breathing in deeply you tried to calm down. He didn't even ask you yet. In fact you even had talked with him about wanting to be more outgoing so maybe you should just accept it for once. After all he just wanted to support you in that decision. "Do you want to join me as my date?"

Biting your lip you suppressed the urge to decline. The "No" was already lying heavy on your tongue. You wanted to become more outgoing. You wanted to be fun to be around. Now you only needed to do the last step and that was stepping out of your comfort zone. Sighing you swallowed the word and then tilted your head back, you back still pressed against his chest, to look at Jason's blue-green eyes that reminded you of a deep mountain lake. You loved his eyes that looked at you with so much softness in them like the gentle waves of a lake. A smile grazed your lips. No one ever believes you when you tell them that he is an absolute softy and he just wanted to help you getting over your fear of parties. "Okay" you wanted to say confidently but it came out more like a whisper with a shy smile on your lips. He smiled down at you, his eyes full of pride and happiness. He looped his arms around you and gave you a sweet kiss on the lips. You couldn't stifle your chuckle because of the strange position you two were in though you still wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed back. Jason took that opportunity to deepen the kiss but having to tilt your head back so far and for so long it began to hurt a little. You pushed him away slightly which only made him groan in frustration. Laughing out loud you turned around to face him the right way. "That hurts my neck" you complained with a pout and wrapped your arms around his shoulders. Nuzzling your face against his neck you sighed and closed your eyes. "Want me to do something about it?" he asked. You knew that he was grinning even though you had your eyes closed. You didn’t need to see the grin because you could hear it in his voice. You slapped against his chest though you couldn't contain your laughter. "I guess that's a yes" he whispered in your ear, wrapped his arms around your waist and hoisted you up onto his lap. Squirming slightly you groaned in annoyance but it quickly turned into a sigh when he kissed the crook of your neck. "Jay" you whined and pushed yourself away from him. Glaring at him you held yourself upright with your hands pressed against his chest but Jason only grinned down at you. You really had to hold back your own smile. "Yes, baby?" Jason asked and reduced the distance between you two. "What about our books?" you tried to distract and annoy him. Though that nickname made you instantly weak and Jay knew it. Your heart had already sped up and left your limps a shaking mess. Eyes hazy you bit your lip to suppress the grin that wanted to crawl onto your lips. But by the sight of your glossy eyes Jason's grin grew even more and you just had to respond with a smile. "Forget the books" he said with a husky voice and closed the space between you completely. Melting into the kiss you smiled and responded it. Jason's hands caressing your sides while you wrapped your arms around his neck again, pressing yourself against him. The party was already long forgotten. _________________________________ 

"(F/N), help me" you pleaded with your phone pressed between your head and shoulder while holding two different tops in your hands. Standing in front of the mirror you looked at yourself. What were you even doing? After Jason had invited you to that party you had since blocked out the thought of it. And now the party was tomorrow and you had no idea what to wear. "What am I supposed to wear? I hadn’t gone to a house party in years" you continued and hanged the two shirts back into your closet. Why did you even grab those? You didn't like them anymore. Why were they even in your closet in the first place? A frustrated sigh left your lips while you could hear chuckling from the other side of the phone. "Don't overthink it so much. Just wear what feels comfortable" your friend replied with the faintest traces of laughter in their voice. "I can't just show up in my pajamas" you said and sighed again. Turning around you sat down on your bed. Now you wished you had declined Jason's offer though you feared that he would have been disappointed in you then. You just had to clench your teeth and go through with it now. "Though that definitely would be a look" your friend stated. "Haha" you dryly retorted and rolled your eyes. "I don't want to embarrass myself or Jason." You bit your tongue after realized that you really were overthinking again. They were only clothes. Probably nobody would care what you would end up wearing. They would be too drunk to notice it after a while anyways. "You won't, stop. Just wear your favorite shorts and top" (F/N) said, trying to calm your thoughts down. You nodded even though your friend couldn't see that and went back to the closet. Grabbing the pair of shorts you always wore and your favorite, not to dressy shirt you held it before you and looked at it in the mirror. You nodded again. "Yeah, that works" you agreed, laid the clothes on your bed and sat down beside them. "Thank you, (F/N)." "You're welcome." Then the line went silent for a while and your thoughts drifted off, back to the party. Your heart flattered in nervousness. Why were you so nervous? It was just a party. But you always were overthinking how you were supposed to act and sooner or later all that and the constant presence of people would overwhelm you. Why couldn't you just stop thinking about it? Why did you always have to worry about everything. "(Y/N), are you alright?" your friend asked after a while of no talking. "No" you said before you could bit your tongue. You stammered for a few seconds before a sigh left your lips. "I'm just... afraid of being a burden. Bringing the mood down or just being extremely awkward" you confessed. "Because I know I will be overwhelmed by the party at one point or another." "Then why are you going?" "Because I want to change, get over it" you explained. You no longer wanted to be the first to leave or the one who always cancels. "Then just enjoy the time with Jason and if you feel overwhelmed don't feel guilty and just take a breath" (F/N) began. "You are you and if you really want to get over it you also must have in mind that it will take a while." You knew they were right. "Yeah, I guess." "If you need me just call or talk to Jason. He would never want you to feel uncomfortable." That made you smile. You were just putting yourself under more pressure than necessary. "Thanks, (F/N). I'm just a naturally talented over-thinker." Later that same day, it was already dark outside, you were laying on your sofa but this time without Jay by your side because today he was stuck at the manor. You were still a little nervous because of tomorrow but after talking with (F/N) about it, it definitely wasn't as bad anymore. But you for sure were missing Jason even though you would see him tomorrow. So you decided to call him. Despite the fact that it was pretty late already, it only took him a few seconds to pick up his phone. "Hey, princess" he said and you could hear he was grinning. "What's up?" "Hey, Jay" you answered with a smile and snuggled deeper into the soft fabric of your cuddle blanket. "I just missed you." "Already? If I'm correct you saw me only a few hours ago" he smugly said. Rolling your eyes you let out a laugh. You really wanted to tell him about your nervousness but you didn't want him to worry or feel bad for bringing you to join him even though you agreed on your own free will. You knew he would blame himself so you swallowed your worries. "And? That doesn't mean I didn't miss you" you retorted. You could hear Jason laugh out loud but trying to stifle it probably because he didn't want to wake anyone. "Well, I-" he suddenly stopped. "Could you hold on for a moment?" "Yes, of course" you answered immediately. You often had to wait a few seconds, sometimes minutes for him to come back to the phone. You guessed he was needed downstairs in the manor or someone walked in, though you never asked specifically what the reasons were. After a while you pressed your phone between your head and shoulder again and looked patently at your fingers. Your thoughts were drifting off again but you forced yourself to not think about the party. You had enough time to worry about it tomorrow and you just wanted to enjoy the conversation with Jason on the phone now. 'Stop overthinking and just relax.' "I'm back." You flinched, dropped your phone on your lap and tossed the blanket off your shoulders by the sudden voice talking in your ear. If you weren't imagine things you even heard a quiet yelp escape your lips. Grabbing the phone and bringing it to your ear again you could hear chuckles from the other side. "Did I startle you?" he asked, still laughing slightly. "Yes!" you tauntingly said. "Sorry, babe" he apologized though you could still hear the slightest hints of laughter in his voice. Narrowing your eyes you let out a huff before calming down again. "So, what were you about to say earlier?" you asked, snuggling back into the blanket after being scared out of them. He stayed silent for a few moments before speaking up again in a faint whisper: "I missed you, too." Before you knew it a big smile crept on your lips. "You're sweet, you big softy" you whispered back. "Hush, now" he laughed. "You should probably go to sleep, we will be up late tomorrow." Biting your tongue you suppressed a sigh. He was right. "Alright." "See you then. Good night, princess." "Good night, Jay." _________________________________ And then the day of the party arrived. You had been on edge all day and didn't know what to do to pass the time so it felt like a minute lasted an hour. But finally the day was coming to an end. The sun began to set and you were running around your apartment trying to think of anything you would need during the party. But then the thought crossed your mind that Jason was picking you up with his motorcycle so taking a purse with you would be very unpredictable. And you didn't want to constantly worry about it during the party as well so you decided to top your outfit with your leather jacket you kind of recently bought to match Jason's. You found it hilarious and it matched your outfit so you could leave it on during the party. The only things that fitted into the pockets were your phone and your keys so you weren't able to overthink anything else. Or at least before you could you were hindered by your phone ringing.

It was Jason's ringtone. He had a key to your apartment so why was he calling? And if he forgot it why wasn't he just ringing the doorbell? Raising your eyebrows in confusion you accepted the call. Before you could speak up though Jason said "Come down" and hung up again. Not a second later you could hear the sound of a motor horn. Now even more confused you went over to the window that faced the streets. Looking down you could see Jason leaning against his bike, his helmet under his arm and glancing up to you with a big grin on his lips. Shaking your head you crossed your arms before your chest and stared down at him for a few moments more before you turned around and put on your shoes. Looking at yourself in the mirror hanging in the corridor for the last time you encouraged yourself. "You can do it" you told yourself and nodded before leaving the apartment. You noticed that your steps were unsure at first but the closer you got to the entrance door and Jason the more light-footed you got. "You can do it" you faintly whispered before opening the door and stepping out on the street. And the moment you laid eyes on Jason's frame you had to smile and all your nervousness vanished. "You are such a dork" you said while walking up to him. "You could have just ringed the bell." He shrugged his shoulders, hung his helmet on the handlebars and then wrapped his arms around your middle, pulling you to him. "Wouldn't have been as fun" he stated. For a few seconds he just grinned at you and you just looked up at him with a soft smile. "You look stunning. Love the jacket" he cheekily said. Your eyes immediately fell onto his leather jacket. "I can only return the compliment" you responded and grinned. And before you knew it the two of you connected in a sweet kiss. Closing your eyes you hummed and pressed your hands against his chest, enjoying the kiss and the cool feel of the leather beneath your fingers. The moment you felt Jason's touch, his lips on yours, all your worries disappeared. You were just relaxed and excited to spend time with him, you didn't even care that it was a party with many more people. Your heart skipped a beat, glad to have Jason by your side. Parting slightly after a while you opened your eyes again. "Ready?" he asked with only a few inches between you two. "Yes, let's go" you said and nodded. Jason let you go and handed you your helmet before grabbing his own. After you secured it on your head Jay playfully knocked against the visor. "Cut it out" you said and flinched away. But the laughter in your voice was very noticeable. "Alright, hop on" he said and sat down on the bike himself. You followed suit, wrapped your arms around his middle and your head pressed sideways against his chest to not hurt him with the front of it. He stroke over your thigh before turning forward completely and starting the engine. The sudden momentum of the motorcycle driving forward pulled your body back before you pressed yourself even further against Jason. Even though it wasn't your first time driving with Jay and you grew too really like it, the start always startled you. But after only a few seconds you relaxed and enjoyed the ride.

It was at around seven pm when you two reached the apartment building where the party took place. Immediately after the door was opened you felt overwhelmed by the loud music and the huge crowd of people. But that feeling went away as soon as Jason grabbed your hand and drew slow circles on the back of it to ease your mind. You relaxed again and the forced smile you had put on to great the people at the door became real. Why were you even afraid before?

Jay introduced you to a lot of people but your mind was still unable to cope with everything that was happening. So you didn't remember most of the names and the only person you knew besides Jason was his friend Roy. You weren't even sure if you saw the same person twice during this party because to you it seemed there were far too many people in the apartment. But maybe your brain was just exaggerating it. However, when Jason directed you to one of the sofas to sit down after a while of walking through the rooms and talking to people you were rather glad. The party wasn't as bad as you imagined it but you needed a few moments to calm down again. You could feel that tingly sensation of overwhelmedness again, waiting on the rim of your mind to strike like thousands of ants crawling over your skin. You leaned against Jason's side, clutching his hand and looking around while he talked to someone sitting beside you. Your breath was a little shallow because of the stuffy air and a faint headache began to knock against your scull because of the many different scents of alcohol. That you were beginning to feel overwhelmed wasn't helping you either. Grabbing your water from the table with your free hand you drank a few rushed gulps to soothe some of the slight pain you felt before putting the glass back on the table in front of you. What time was it? How many hours did you already spend on the party? It could already be past midnight or only an hour later since you arrived with Jason and you wouldn't know the difference. Bouncing one leg nervously you closed your eyes for a few seconds and concentrated on something else then the party. You wanted to enjoy this and you wouldn't back down now. "Are you alright?" a faint whisper met your ears and led to you opening your eyes again. Looking to your left you saw Jason a little bent forward with a worried glint in his eyes. You couldn't hinder the soft smile of forming on your lips. "Yes" you answered. "It's just a little much right now so I'm glad we sat down." You didn't tell him about that overwhelming feeling in your gut, that tingle in your chest and the knocking in your head. You didn't want him to worry about you. It wasn't that bad after all. You remembered your conversation with (F/N). Your friend had told you that it would take a while to get over that problem and that you should tell Jay when it really became too much. And they were right. However, the little voice in your mind told you to not do it, not to talk to Jason. You knew that you weren't at fault for feeling overwhelmed but it still felt like being a burden. And the last thing you wanted to be as Jason's date and at your first party since forever was being a buzzkill. But Jason's worried glance didn't change. "If you want to leave or need anything just tell me, alright?" he said and pulled you to him even more. Smiling you nodded, not trusting yourself to speak without your voice breaking. When did that feeling of overwhelmedness get worse? Jason's eyes traveled over your face for a few moments more before stopping at your lips. Your own eyes following his gaze, the eyes that you were able to read so well. You could see the pull he felt, the desire that you felt too but you seemed to be frozen in anticipation, waiting for him to finally move. But you also saw his green eyes with splashes of blue in them though from so close you couldn't tell anymore if they were more green than blue or not. The only thing you knew was that you loved his eyes and the peaceful feeling that washed over you whenever you lost yourself in them. Your eyes darted to his lips now too which hovered over your own. So close but still too far away to really touch. It made your heart flatter and breath hitch. All other noises and people had disappeared, the only person you focused on was Jason. You could see his lips curl up in the faintest version of a smirk before he finally leaned forward, closed the distance between you two and captured your lips in a sweet kiss. Sighing you melted into it and closed your eyes immediately, the suffocating feeling from before supplanted to the rim of your consciousness like everything else too. Freeing your hand from Jay's you cupped his cheeks to deepen the kiss while his arms lazily wrapped around your middle. No matter what was bothering you, with only one touch, on kiss from Jay you felt as light as a feather and worriless. Nothing but Jason mattered. You felt his body pressed against yours. How his heart hammered against your chest that was filled with the strong beating of your own heart. His fingers dived under your jacket and hovered over the fabric of your shirt, wanting to touch more. The softness of his lips against your own that were still wetted by the water you had drank before. You completely forgot about the people around you. You couldn't even tell how much time had passed, how long the kiss lasted. You were too focused on Jason and the feeling of his rougher skin beneath your fingers. The contrast between his soft lips and rough skin sent butterflies flying through your stomach. You wanted to savor this moment, this feeling for as long as possible. You wanted to relish the peace you felt because of him. But even after all these seconds, maybe even a minute, it still was too short of a kiss when he pulled away slightly. You still had your eyes closed but you felt his choppy breaths that mimicked your own against your lips, telling you that he hasn't moved far away. For a few moments more you enjoyed that feeling of only being surrounded by Jason before opening your eyes again. The party and all its noise hit you again but it didn't bother you as much as before. Looking up you met Jason's eyes that were wrinkled at the corners because of the smile on his lips. You returned his smile with parted lips, dropped your hands from his cheeks and instead wrapped them around his middle, pressing yourself against his chest even more. Closing your eyes again you muzzled your face against the cold leather of his jacket, hummed peacefully and breathed in his tough scent of leather and the remnants of oil and gasoline form his bike while Jason wrapped his arms tightly around you too. "Are you two done?" a familiar voice said chuckling. Opening one eye but still not parting from Jason you looked up at Roy who stood in front of you with a smirk and his arms crossed before his chest. The faintest tint of red began to cover your face. But before you could break away from Jason and stutter some unintelligible response he hoisted you up on his lap, arms still wrapped around you to prevent you from getting away and spoke up: "No, why? Wanna watch?" Eyes growing wide you pulled away from him by pressing your hands flat against his chest. However, you couldn't stand up from his lap because his embrace was too strong for you to fight against. "Jason!" you yelped aghast and completely flustered. The faint tint of red was replaced by the bright color of a ripe tomato. Though Jason would never embarrass you about something you were insecure about he loved to tease you and make you flustered in front of others. No matter how much you cussed at him afterwards because of it. Roy however didn't seem as faced by Jason's remark and only shook his head in laughter. "I've already seen enough." Your eyes snapped back to Roy in embarrassment before darting back to Jason in anger. But he only chuckled when he saw the look you gave him. "Baby, don't be mad" he said and pushed you to his face again with a grin. "Let me go" you demanded and tried to sound confident but you knew that all that didn't leave you unfazed and it was obvious. You really wanted to curl up and die right now, too uncomfortable to face anyone. Jason looked at you before finally letting you go. You jumped away immediately and sat down beside him with a pouty look. "Are you really mad at me?" he asked which made you turn away from him with your arms crossed before your chest. Though you knew he only meant it in a playful manner you still felt embarrassed by it. A sigh left his lips before he wrapped his arms around you again and laid his head on your shoulder. "You know I'm only teasing" he whispered in your ear before giving your neck a quick kiss. Tensing up you tried to get away und suppressed your laughter. "Jay, stop" you said with the slightest hint of a giggle in your voice. But Jason already knew by the nickname that you weren't really mad. "Do you really want that?" he asked, pushed one strand of hair behind your ear and continued to torture you with feather-light kisses. "Yes!" you yelped when he grazed your soft spot and turned around in his arms. "Stop, it's embarrassing." He chuckled, pulled away and shrugged his shoulders. "Alright." Sitting up straight you glanced at Roy again but you couldn't meet his gaze for long. Looking to the side you touched your burning face and tried to hide it. "So, I only wanted to ask if you want to come play beer pong with me?" Roy asked after clearing his throat. Sort of forced you looked back up again. "Yeah, of course" Jason agreed before turning to you with one eyebrow raised in question. However, you shook your head and tried to hide the tension in your body. "No, thank you. I don't want to drink today" you said directed to Roy and nodded towards your glass of water before also turning to face Jay. "I will stay here." "Are you sure? I don't have to pla-" Jason started but you interrupted him. "No! No, it's fine. I will be alright on my own" your mouth said whereas your mind screamed the opposite. But the mere thought of being a buzzkill misled you to swallow your worries of being alone on the sofa surrounded by strangers. "I can stay with you, too. Since it's your first party, I don't want you to feel overextended by all this" Jason explained, grabbed your hands and caressed them with small circles, calming your nerves in the progress. You, however, shook your head. You wouldn't hold Jason back, not today. "No really, go have fun" you said and desperately tried to gloss over the fact that your body and voice were tense. You didn't need Jason to monitor you. He was here to enjoy the party, too. "You don't need to babysit me." You really wanted to do this, be more outgoing and brave and capable. It wouldn't be the end of the world if he left you alone for a minute or two. You could handle that, swimming in a sea of strangers without your pillar of strength to ease the vicious waves of the sea. It wasn't like the bare thought of it made your palms sweaty and throat dry out of nervousness but you just would have to pretend. Jason looked you over for a few more seconds with raised eyebrows and a worried, unsure glint in his eyes, waiting for your eyes to betray you. But you managed to maintain the act of certitude and the worry in his eyes disappeared. He gave you a small, sincere smile and a quick, reassuring kiss before standing up, letting go of your hands in the process. "If you need me or anything just say so" he said with a softness in his eyes that was only reserved for you to see. You nodded, bit your tongue and smiled. Then Jason turned around and walked with Roy to the table set for the drinking game. You really wanted Jason to have fun during the party but already the first few seconds of being alone and surrounded by all those people and noise seemed to overpower that thought and made you regret your words. You grabbed your glass of water with a sigh and nipped at it to distract yourself. Your eyes darted almost on their own to Jason who was throwing the small ball over the table and scored. Jubilating he high fived Roy and looked back to you. Grinning you gave him a thumbs-up. Setting your glass down you looked at your feet, not knowing what to do now. But before you could think more about it someone suddenly bummed into your side. Startled you looked up at the definitely intoxicated blonde girl that was sitting next to you now. "Uh, hello" you said with a questioning undertone. "Oh, hi!" she retorted with a big grin and put one arm around you. "Who are you? Haven't seen you before." Uncomfortable you skirted away a little to try and pry her arm away from you but the girl wouldn't butch. "I'm (Y/N)" you said. "Nice to meet you, (Y/N). So, with whom are you with here today?" she asked, probably not letting go of this conversation anytime soon. You sighed defeated and nodded towards Jason's form playing beer pong. "I'm Jason's date." "Oh!" the blonde said and grinned. "You're Jason's girlfriend!" You narrowed your eyes slightly but nodded again. Why did it seem like everyone knew you and you were the only one completely at lose here? But before you could ask her why she knew you, the girl grabbed a bag of chips from the table in front of you and changed the topic. "Have you tried these chips yet? They are my favorite. I swear, they're the best." And after that the flow of words seemed to never find an end. Sometimes the girl asked you questions but before you could answer them she would speak up again and start another topic. Somewhere during the waterfall of words she dropped her name but you couldn't remember. You were far to overwhelmed to pay any attention anymore. But how could you escape this situation without seeming rude? How did you even end up here? At least she had let go of your shoulders and sat beside you, leaned back on the sofa. You on the other hand sat tense and straight, with your gaze darting uncontrollably through the room. For a split second you looked at your hands and realized that they were shaking very noticeably. But then you looked at the girl again who had laughed out loud. Huffing you tried to stay focused on the girl beside you but your gaze seemed to wander of exactly like your thoughts no matter what you tried to prevent it. The urge to jump up and just run home got stronger the longer you sat there. Digging your nails into the palms of your hands you tried to suppress the shaking of them and led your gaze fall back to the girl. Who was she? Why did she know you? Did Jason introduce you two earlier? You couldn't remember, all those names and faces were an unsorted mess inside your mind that had been cloudy all day anyway. Grabbing your water you took another gulp to calm your nerves. "And I don't know if I should give him another chance or not. But like, he really is trying and I like him a lot. He even asked me to go-" the girl you didn't know went on while your thoughts drifted off again and again. The shaking of your hand got worse and spread through the rest of your body. Pressing your legs together you tried to minimize the effect of it because you didn't need anyone notice it and address it. Your thoughts were so hazy. The tingly feeling you had felt before seemed to have transferred to your mind. You couldn't explain it but it felt like ants were running around inside your head, making you more nervous by the second. You glanced around for a bit but there were people everywhere you looked. Standing, talking, dancing, drinking and having fun. And you were sitting on a sofa clutching your water in a desperate attempt to don't lose your cool. You had really wanted to enjoy this but you just couldn't anymore. You reached the point where you couldn't take it anymore. You were so tired and just wanted to leave. Glancing to the beer pong table you caught Jay looking at you with one eyebrow raised in question. Not wanting to worry him you forced a smile and waved at him. He grinned before returning to his beer pong game. The moment his eyes left your form, your smile faltered. You needed to get out of here. Your breaths were shallow again and the headache began to knock more aggressively against your skull. Your vision seemed to fade in and out of focus while your legs began to shake even more. That tingly, unpleasant feeling began again and started to numb your fingertips before it exploded through your body like a chain reaction. Every sound seemed far too loud now. The drumming of your heart echoed in your ears and drowned out everything else though you could still hear a vivid wall of noise beyond your violently beating heart. You needed to escape. "Do you know what I mean?" Startled you turned around to face the girl again. Her voice was the only one you could hear loud and clear though those crushing sensations were still looming over you like a shadow you couldn't run away from. "Ehm yeah, I guess?" you choked out with great struggle and not even sure what she was referring to. "Excuse me, but I need to go to the toilet" you said, took your chance and stood up before she could protest or hinder you by speaking up again. You put the almost empty glass of water down on the table before walking away quickly on shaking legs, amazed you were even able to hold yourself upright. Luckily you remembered where the toilet was so you dodged all the people dancing or standing around you and entered the hallway that was mostly empty. At the end of it was the door to the toilet. Pressing the handle down you realized that it wasn't locked and jumped into the room with a sigh, closing the door behind you and locking it instantly. And then you took a deep breath. It was the first one after a long while that finally seems to really fill your lungs with the air you so desperately needed. Sucking in as much air as possible you stumbled towards the toilet you put the seat lid down and let yourself fall on it. Hunching over you tried to control the shaking of your body. And then a hiccup left your lips and you realized that you were crying. Cursing you wiped away the tears that had spilled out of your eyes with toilet paper. What were you supposed to do now? You couldn't go back. You couldn't face the wall of noise again. Standing up you stumbled towards the sink, almost falling to the floor because your legs gave up beneath you but you managed to catch yourself with the sink. Avoiding your reflection in the mirror you turned on the tab and splashed some water in your face to freshen up. Standing up as straight as possible you caught your glossy eyes in the mirror. You looked as tired as you felt. Touching your face you rubbed at the traces the tears had left. But the only thing you accomplished with the rubbing was scratching at your skin and making it turn red and sore. "Hey, are you coming out soon?" You flinched by the sudden voice that spoke up behind the door and knocked against it. "Ye-yeah, one moment" you stammered, grabbed the towel to dry your face and gave yourself one last look through the mirror before wobbling to the door and unlocking it. A guy stood before you and nodded in appreciation. "Thanks" he said and pushed beside you, closing the door behind you the moment you stood outside in the hallway. A little lost you stood there for a few seconds before walking down the corridor. Halfway through it you stopped. You couldn't go back. You couldn't face that feeling again. You couldn't go back. Taking a step back you pressed yourself against the wall and tried to focus on your breathing. You needed to calm down. But you couldn't. The only thing you could do was going back to the sofa. But you didn't want to. You couldn't. A shaky breath left your lips and tears threatened to spill out of your eyes again. No. And then your gaze wandered to the window with the fireplace in front of it. Air. Before you realized what you were doing you had already opened the window and climbed through it. Standing on the fire escape you enjoyed the chilly night air with closed eyes. Calm. You couldn't even hear the party anymore. Just peace. Sitting down on the grid you let your legs hang down and put your face in your hands. The view wasn't the best but at least your mind was distracted. And that was all you wanted right now. Comfort. Looking up at the stars you sighed. The night was beautiful, or as beautiful as a night could be in Gotham. Through the clouds you could make out a few stars and sometimes even the big dipper. The tingly feeling of overwhelmedness was still present but it slowly took a back seat, got pushed to the rim of your realization. "Hey." Flinching once again you turned around with wide eyes full of shock only to meet gentle waves of blue and green. The shock vanished in an instant and you relaxed again. "Hey" you replied with a soft smile which Jason returned. Looking forward again you could hear his steps before you felt his presence beside you. He didn't say anything, just let his legs dangle over the edge like you did. Wrapping one arm around your waist he pulled you into his side. Immediately you turned towards him again, nuzzling your face into the fabric of his shirt and jacket. "Are you alright?" he whispered and stroked your hair. The sensations hit you again and before you could do anything against it you felt hot tears streaming over your cheeks again. "No" you croaked out. You felt like a failure, like you let him down. And that feeling punched you in the gut with such force you couldn't stifle the hiccups forced out by it. Jason now wrapped both arms around you, hugging you tight and kissing the top of your head. He rocked you softly side to side, trying to calm you down. "I'm such a failure. I feel like I disappointed you" you revealed because you couldn't contain it anymore. You weren't able to do it. You had let him down. "Shh, don't say that" Jason said and pressed your head against his chest so you would be able to hear his heart beat that always calmed you down. "You could never disappoint me". "I can't even cope with one party" you continued either way, your voice slightly muffled. "Why do I feel so overwhelmed by people? Why can't I just be afraid of spiders instead of parties?" Jason only hushed you again, stopping you before you could lose yourself in your worries. Sniffing you tried to wipe the tears away without Jason noticing but of course he realized what you were doing. Pushing you slightly away from him he wiped them away instead before cupping your cheek with one hand and looking down at you with a sad smile. "I already felt that something was up but I didn't say anything because I didn't want you to feel discouraged or not trusted" he admitted, still looking directly in your glossy eyes. "I didn't want you to feel like I'm babysitting you" he paraphrased you. Guilty you tried to look away but Jason hold your head with both hands now, forcing you to face him. "Don't beat yourself up so much" he said sternly. "You don't have to prove me or anyone anything. If you want to leave you can always tell me that. I will never hold that against you because I want you to feel comfortable" he explained. Sighing he let go of your face and dropped his hands onto his lap. "I only suggested you to come with me because I thought it was what you wanted. I would have never forced you to go." You shook your head, trying to sort your thoughts to answer him. "No, I really wanted to do this. I want to get over this but every time I try I fail" you admitted. "You have to give yourself some time" Jason said, grabbed your hand and drew slow circles on its back. A relieved sigh left you quivering lips and you melted against his touch, leaning against his side again and taking in his soothing scent. "I know." For a while neither of you spoke up and you were rather glad. You enjoyed the silence and just Jay's presence beside you. Whenever he was near you he had this calming effect on you that made all your worries disappear. "Thank you, Jay" you finally said with your gaze fixated forward and laid your other hand on top of his. He immediately turned towards you again, glancing at your face that had the faintest hint of a smile on it. "How about we get out of here" he proposed and stood up, holding his hand out to you. You turned around towards him and glanced at his hand questioningly. "Really?" He nodded. You grabbed his hand and he hoisted you up. "Let's go home" he declared and began to climb down the ladder of the fire escape. "What are you doing?" you asked, stepping towards the metal ladder with confusion in your eyes. Jason stopped midway and looked up at you. "If we go through the apartment they will never let us leave" he explained with a chuckle and you only nodded, remembering the girl who had been very nice but also very persistent on talking to you. So you decided to follow Jason's lead. Reaching the final step of the ladder he jumped down and looked up at your still form. The distance between the last step and the ground wasn't that big but looking down from above made your belly flip in fear. Glancing at Jason you begged him for help in silence. "Don't worry" Jason encouraged you with a playful glint in his eyes. "I'll catch you." Even from up there you could see that playfulness. "You better" you said chuckling, breathed in deeply before letting go. Jason stood to his word and caught you, setting you down on the street elegantly though he didn't let go of you completely. Turning around in his arms that were wrapped around you, you looked up at him with a smile, losing yourself in his gentle eyes again. Those blue waves surrounded by a mysterious, deep green forest that laid in complete silence and harmony of the night. The reflection of the stars twinkled on the surface of the water like thousands of diamonds. Cupping his cheek you caressed the skin underneath his eyes. It was like you could feel the water moving, the coldness of the water as well as the softness of the grass beneath your feet. "Your eyes are beautiful" you whispered. Jason chuckled and mimicked your motions, stroking your skin with his rough fingertips which send shivers down your spin. Sighing you let your eyes flatter close and enjoyed the moment of intimacy. It felt like you knew him since forever that you had never been apart from one another. In those moments it felt like destiny. Opening your eyes slightly you looked at him again. "I love you." The words left your mouth without you realizing that you had spoken up. Jason's whole face lit up, his pure smile overpowering all of his other features. Still with one hand on your cheek he closed the distance between you two slowly, looking you in the eyes for the whole time. His lips brush over yours in an innocent tease that made your heart sped up. They were only millimeters away but still not close enough to touch completely. You yearned for more, only a few more inches. Jason's eyes got hazy, the peaceful lake surrounded by a wall of mist that had descended slowly from the woods to the edge of the water. And you were sure that your eyes were equally as hazy as his, full of want and desire. Seconds felt like eternity and before you couldn’t take it anymore you stood up on your tiptoes and met his lips in a sweet kiss. Wrapping your arms around his neck you pulled him close, not wanting anything to separate you two while Jason's one hand wandered from your face to the back of your neck and his other one to your waist, pulling you to him as well. That you had just escaped with him from the party didn't seem relevant anymore. That you were standing in a dark alley with only a few lights shinning down on you didn't bother you. That you had been so down before was forgotten, not important. Jason let you forget all your worries. When you two parted, your foreheads stayed connected, eyes locked at one and another. You felt his hot, choppy breaths on your lips and his hands holding you close. You saw the stars in his eyes and faintest hint of red on his cheeks. "I love you, too" he replied with his voice a mixture of husky and soft. He pushed a strand of your hair behind your ear, stroking over your soft skin again which made you hummed. "Thank you" you said in barley more than a whisper and with your eyes half closed. "For what?" he asked with a questioning glint in his eyes. "For being you" you answered, not moving one inch away from him. "For being by my side and giving me strength. For making me laugh even though I feel down. For seeing right through me and helping me overcome my fears. For supporting me and not judging me. For trusting and loving me." The smile on Jason's lips was happy and sad all in one. The water of the lake seemed to almost overflow but it was held back by the trees surrounding it. Neither of you spoke up again, you didn't have to, to understand the other. You knew what he was saying to you through his eyes and that was more than a thousand words could express. He just hugged you for a few seconds more, nuzzling his face in your hair before letting go of your waist and grabbing your hand instead. You shared one long last look of compassion before walking out of the alley and to his motorcycle together. Hand in hand and in silent understanding. The soft circles he drew on the back of it weren't left unnoticed.

[glassesmcfancyhair]

I’ve been thinking a lot about addiction since yesterday, and needed to make this list.

If you are an addict:

It’s not your fault.

But it is your responsibility. Once you identify the problem, you need to start taking steps to fix it.

I know sobriety is hard. In my experience, the boredom is the biggest threat. I spent so much time out of my head that it was incredibly difficult to know what to do with myself when I suddenly had hours and hours of the day to get through without being obliteratingly high.

It gets easier. It really does. It requires a lot of effort on the front end, but I promise you that like anything else, sobriety takes practice.

Practice means sometimes we fail. It happens. Addicts backslide. We’re trying to come up with new, healthy coping mechanisms on top of possibly being alone with our thoughts for the first time in a long time. This doesn’t mean you can’t get sober, and it doesn’t mean you’re weak if you do backslide.

Get help. Sobriety is difficult enough without isolating yourself. Therapy, friends, a quilting circle, a running club, a group at the library or online book club. Set conditions for success.

Get used to the embarrassment. You likely did a lot of shitty things when you were using. Using does not absolve you of having done those things. Be ready to apologize to the people you said or did those shitty things to. And be ready for the ones who refuse to accept your apology. It happens. They need to take care of themselves just like you do, and sometimes that means refusing to forgive. Apologize and then accept how they want to proceed.

Accept that your sleep schedule is going to be fucked for a while. Your body misses the drugs. It will adjust. Take a walk. Have some tea. Do ten pushups. Keep a stack of books by your bed for those inevitable insomnia nights. Pet a cat. Draw. Do anything that isn’t drugs.

Give yourself something to replace the ritual of using. When I was deep in the addiction ham crate, I would start using pretty early in the day, so I had to find alternatives. It started out with just afternoon tea, by myself, and morphed into collecting tea pots and being positively obsessed with stocking my pantry with a huge variety of tea. I know a stupid amount about tea now because I had to give myself something to do. And this isn’t just ‘boil water, add bag.’ I get out my teapot. I measure my leaves. I turn on my kettle and wait until I hear it reach the point I want (this is partially guess work, partially experience.) Etc. Let yourself get obsessed with something harmless. It gives you something to look forward to during the day.

Get ready to cut ties with the people who are not encouraging your sobriety. I cannot tell you the number of fellow addicts who were forced to sever all interactions with the people they considered friends, because those ‘friends’ were the same people we used with, and had no interest in getting sober.

It’s a process. It takes time. You’re going to make mistakes and slip up and feel awful at various points in this process. Try to adopt the philosophy of ‘I will try again tomorrow.’

If you know an addict:

Their addiction is not your responsibility. It is not your fault.

Their efforts towards sobriety do not outweigh your comfort or safety. If an addict in your life is bringing things or people into it you aren’t comfortable with, set boundaries.

If those boundaries are not respected, you are not obligated to accept that. Your responsibility is to you. Not them. Not their addiction.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for an addict it also the hardest thing - walk away. If they have no interest in getting sober, you do not have to stay. You do not owe them anything, regardless of whatever existing relationship you have to them. Parent, cousin, partner, coworker, high school BFF - doesn’t matter. Most of us, once we reach a certain point in our recovery, want to try and make things right. This also places zero obligations on you to accept those efforts.

Their addiction is never an excuse for shitty behavior. It doesn’t matter if they don’t remember it. Partner1 and I used to have a lot of fights that I absolutely have no memory of. That doesn’t mean that the things I said didn’t hurt. Partner1 is still working through some of this, and so when they tell me they need space, I give it. Because I put them in that situation. Hold your addicts to a high standard. We can meet it.

Addiction is scary. And hard. And embarrassing. But it’s possible to overcome. My experience relaying my addiction to people I care about has been generally positive, which is more than I expected or felt like I deserved. I’m currently many years sober and I just want everyone to know:

It gets better. You can do this. I believe in you.

[castielss]

POSITIVE 20 QUESTIONS TAG GAME

i was tagged by @starlightcastiel @hopeisthewholepoint thank you so so much you cutiesssss

1. Name 4 fictional characters who showcase your personality the best, with explanations if you want.

well my mutuals where so kind to give me 2

Charlie Bradbury: Nerdy and bubbly and a talkative person, i’m not a raging lesbian but I would go gay for some folks

Donna Hanscum: Chatty, loves food and she’s also super badass and clever, I like to think I’m like her

Castiel: a little bit awkward, a little bit weird, doesn’t get the joke at first but would fiercely defend the ones he loves

Dean: Daddy issues, also will defend the ones he loves with his life and a little dorky and a little nerdy with a love for burgers, hi!

2. Aesthetic

Well I have one in my personal blog @starcrosslovers, it’s pale meets vintage meets dark academia

In this one is just multifandom mess

3. Favorite musical/play? 

Well I will go with musicals that are movies cuz I’m seen those, so Phantom of the Opera blew my mind! 

Oh and I also watched live Violin on the Roof, it was amazing!

I really wanted to go watch Cursed Child

4. What is the best compliment you’ve ever received?

People telling me I have talent or that what I did was beautiful and such, I’m very bad at this lmao

5. How many times have you been in love?

I was in love 2 times and both of the times I was miserable, the first time I denied my love and the second time i was hella rejected, now I have a fucking crush that I can’t do nothing about

6. Embarrassing story or fact about yourself that makes you laugh now?

oh my I have a really bad one lmao, last year when my football club won the cup me and my friend went to celebrate, it was AWESOMEE,by the end there was like the most annoying channel there is here in Portugal CM TV, homies you know the one and the reporter interviewed me (when I said “interview” I say, shoved the micro in my face and asked 2 questions, it was so fast it game whiplash) and I mixed up the name of the coah and my fave player and I didn’t noticed until after it ended, I’m pretty sure that might be out somewhere btw. if you read this all props

7. Favorite Disney/Pixar movie?

Incredibles, Bug’s Life, Cars and Monsters Inc, childhood right HERE

8. Favorite flower or plant?

I love freesias and tulips

9. What’s your favorite holiday?

It used to be Christmas and I still try and make most of it but my fam (aka dad made it just, well just)

10. Name three things that made you laugh or smile this past week.

Misha Collins GISH seminars it was so so good and I learning A LOT

Jensen with his nails painted and his fluffy hair

Seeing old photos of myself when I was like 5y old

11. What song would you play to introduce yourself to someone?

Right now something either by Dua Lipa new album, some Hozier song or a Ed Sheeran song

12. Name something that truly makes you feel peaceful even at your most stressed moments.

Supernatural, music and a good book

13. What do you, did you, or would you study at college?

I would study History of Art, I am really contemplating that in the future

14. This is kind of a weird one, but which outfit of yours makes you feel most like yourself?

Jeans with a graphic tee, with my trench and converse, or my cool knited sweater, cute jeans and my Nike sneakers

15. What is a quote you live by?

I don’t live by a quote I live by multiple quotes, but mostly I live by be you and the other don’t like it well fuck it

16. Name the funniest playlist name you have.

i don’t have any lmao I am so plain it hurts

17. Make a reference to an inside joke you have with someone you love with zero context.

She’s so fucking crazy I can’t even

18. What is a message you would give your younger self if given the chance?

Grow a pair and believe in your fucking self and slap those bitches that bullied you

19. Who is your favorite family member? (If you have no good blood family members, feel free to mention someone in your found family)

my mom is my rock, my grandma in my dad’s side and my uncles from my dad’s side

20. What’s a secret dream of yours?

to find someone to love and that loves me back and to be at peace

Well that’s it! Feel free to do this or not, but this was very very cool!

tagging: @huckleberrycas @bisexualthors @bibelphegor @adorkabledean @jensenckles @gomez-michelle @angel-e-v-a @florenepugh @killingseve

[jaqfms]

there's     jacques    ‘jaq’    daingerfield   !     though     on    their     socials     they     go     by     @thedangerousq     .     i     heard     he     is     originally     from     paris     ,     france     ,     but     made     the     big     move     to     los     angeles     to     join     TWENTIES     .     you     haven't     heard     about     it     ?   well     ,     apparently     their     dream     is     to     design     his     own     video     game   ,     but     they     have     no     chance   unless     they     quit     being     so     cocky     &     lazy     .     that     said     ,     those     behind     the     scenes     have     said     they     can     be     witty     &     charismatic     too.     guess     we'll     have     to     watch     and     find     out     !     ━     &    laughing     until     you     cry     ,          a     cartoon     theme     song     paired     with     a     hip     hop     beat     ,     a     juul     behind     your     ear     ,     vines     quoted     in     a     thick     french     accent     .    (     timothee     chalamet     ,     cis male     ,     he/him     )   (     pepper    ,     she/her + they/them     ,     est     ,     twenty four     )

ABOUT THE MUN.  are ya in a relationship? you think i can convince someone to do that?

hello, it’s me again. i tired myself out with haisley’s so jaq’s if going to be considerably shorter. let’s go. 

BIO.  aaaahhhhhhhhhh shhiiittttt *begins understanding things*

jacques daingerfield was born in france to two very average parents. like his mother was a teacher and his father was a financial analyst. nothing wild or crazy going on there, and to top it off he was the middle child, and well, you can tell. 

he has four siblings. he was the third kid, and well, he spent most of his childhood fighting for any kind of attention, usually by making inappropriate little jokes or you know, fart noises. yes his parents were generally exasperated with him, but that behavior made sure they paid attention to him. and honestly that was all jacques wanted. 

again, jacques had a pretty average upbringing. he went to school, he was actually pretty popular among his peers despite being so annoying (definitely very unpopular amongst his teachers for generally that class clown that sat in the back and always interrupted), and he excelled academically without really trying too much. well, in every subject but english funnily enough. jaq always struggled in english, which is why it was incredibly ironic that when his parents separated they decided to move to uk with his father. jacques was ten at the time, and he still doesn’t understand the decision.

so yes, jacques was the kid in class with the weird name and weirder accent who could barely communicate with his classmates. it didn’t take long for them to stop really trying to pronounce ‘jacques’ properly. jacques became jack without much input on his part, and by the time jacques had got enough of a handle on the english language to correct them the americanized name had already stuck. even at nine jacques was smart enough to know that insisting on the correct french pronunciation of his name just kind of made him sound like a pretentious french asshole, so instead he spun it. he embraced it. started signing all of his papers and assignments with ‘jaq’ with a q like it was his brand or something. even as a child jaq will give himself credit for being clever af. 

it actually worked pretty well honestly. the older jaq got the more he grew into himself, and the more comfortable he got with the english language. honestly a lot of how jaq learned english was through video games and youtube videos and cartoons, like those were some of his go to resources. spent a lot of time playing games with strangers and tested his english out with colourful trash talk. actually started his first ever youtube channel was basically that as just a way to practice his english a bit. all he did on there was play video games, and honesty he didn’t even show his face. the channel wasn’t that popular, but he had fun making it. 

jaq on the other hand had gained popularity by the time he was in middle school. granted, that popularity was mostly due to the fact that he had a popular older brother and sister, was french and therefore ‘cute’ (jaq didn’t pretend to understand how girls brains worked then, and he still doesn’t now) and his family always had the newest gaming system at their household, and even then it wasn’t wild popularity. but it was enough that barely anyone teased him for his thick french accent anymore, and yk what jaq would take it. he weirdly got even more popular with the guys in his grade when they found out about his youtube channel. they found it funny, and they would generally watch his videos and come tell him about their favourite parts later, ask him about how he got past a certain level or learned a certain cheat. jaq soaked up their admiration like a sponge, right into his ego. they were the beginning of jaq getting the big head he proudly sports today. 

that said for most second form jaq’s youtube channel was just a hobby. something he did for fun. like i said earlier, jaq actually did really well in school and his parents always expected him to follow in his father’s footsteps and go into something in business. after all, it would be an easy transition with both french and english under his belt. they knew he would excel. 

but then he met madi. and somehow the two started doing videos together for fun, and it quickly expanded into something a lot bigger. something that jaq wouldn’t have even dreamed of doing before. suddenly the picture perfect future he had planned for himself just seemed boring in comparison to what he and madi had going on, and so jaq easily picked that instead. his parents weren’t all that happy about it, of course, after all jaq had full scholarships to some schools just waiting for him to accept and he ignored all of them in favour of making videos of him playing games online. they still don’t understand, but jaq doesn’t really need them too. he’s happy with what he’s doing and he figures he can always go into business when he’s old and boring. 

he moved out of his parents house straight into an apartment with madi when things between them started getting really tough. they can’t really speak without the whole ‘we’re so disappointed in you’ conversation coming up so jaq doesn’t really speak to them unless he has to. both of his older siblings went into business like their parents wanted, and his younger siblings are on the same path. his little sister wants to be just like him though, and that warms his heart tbh. 

has come to TWENTIES to have a good time! wants to break into the acting industry like dylan o’brien and maybe show his parents that a ‘real’ career can come from something like this. his parents begged him not to come on this show and embarrass them so that is definitely what he’s about to do. 

HEADCANNONS. there are a lot of people who need to shut up.  not me though 

thinks he’s funny! sometimes he is

will answer to jacques, jaq, jaqi, or q! you can call him daingerfield if you want but not many people do

fun fact, made his instagram handle as a joke, much like awkwafina. was just supposed to a little dig about how many times he has to say ‘jack with a q’ whenever someone spells his name. but now the dangerous q is his brand, and just finds it really dumb and funny. 

a bit of a kleptomaniac. will swipe something he thinks is cool mostly just to do it. has very little impulse control. loves to pull pranks and generally make trouble, but not in a way that will ever actually hurt anybody because he’s not a whole idiot. not the biggest fan of cops. 

is an artist. will spray paint your walls and probably has spray painted the walls of his apartment. will doodle weird things all over napkins or receipts or whatever he can get his hands on. has drawn out little video game characters he wants to be in his future games, and actually is considering going to school for a video game programming degree just for that. the funny thing is with his grades he could probably do it. is teaching himself coding in the mean time. 

 the type of person to start drumming on the counter or desk with his hands or like pencils or pens when he’s bored. will make up fun little raps on the spot. 

incredibly intelligent but doesn’t like to talk about it. would much rather act dumb than act like he has any braincells. he doesn’t want to give anyone expectations. 

all the youtube success has definitely gone to his head in the way that?? he just thinks they’re untouchable like he cannot compute the concept of their channel failing or their future endeavors failing. definitely thinks that TWENTIES will lead to much bigger things for them. will walk into his future acting auditions like he’s the shit. 

an introvert with extrovert tendencies. needs to be by himself to chill out and recharge but can like work a room honestly. can make friends pretty much everywhere he goes. a bit of a charmer when he wants to be. 

a smoker unfortunately. also a bit of a stoner. definitely has a juul on him at all times, like i said he tends to keep it behind his ear and then be like ???? where’s my juul. 

needs glasses but refuses to wear them. is very stubborn about it tbh. does not want to get contacts because he hates the idea of putting something into his eye. so you can catch him squinting sometimes like a fool. 

one of the first things he treated himself to with his first big youtube check like outside of rent was a tattoo! it’s on his ribs and it’s just a drawing he did himself but he loves it and it was the start of an addiction. he has about five. also has a few helix and orbital piercings on his left ear. 

another muse of mine with a tiktok, but jaq just uses his to make music for the most part. will turn the mickey mouse club house theme song into bars! (if you’ve seen that tiktok,,,, ily) 

a big nerd. reads comic books. watches anime. will get very reasonably upset about the avatar the last airbender movie whenever it’s brought up.

can cook really well, but whenever he does it it’s pure chaos. like julian/brad leone in the kitchen for sure. but the food comes out tasting really good, so???

is jewish af. knows a bit of hebrew and a bit of yiddish because of his grandparents mostly. is kind of ??? a lot more lenient with things now that he’s not around his parents as often i’m ngl. 

brings his ds everywhere and you can literally catch him on the bus vaping and playing animal crossing because he hasn’t bothered to get a american license yet 

is always willing to take a picture with a subscribers and they’re always the weirdest thing. there are pictures of subscribers like pretending to stab him in the eye. prom pose pictures with subscribers. the weirder the better tbh

has gone to vidcon a few years in a row, always has the wildest time. there is video footage of him waking up in some strangers bathtub with a feather boa around his neck. it’s probably on instagram. 

is also bi af. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS.  very proud to announce that i am officially a lost cause! 

BEST FRIENDS.

A BROMANCE. 

FWB/EWB.

EXES. 

FANS OF HIS YOUTUBE VIDEOS. 

and here’s his wanted tag, i forgot to do the same for haisley so here is her wanted tag. 

and many more, y’all this took so long and i’m so tired but like this and i will slide into your dms for plots!

[muselin]

After Dark Part 1

Writer’s Tree wish from: @justjen523​

Prompt: MC is hiding a secret from the gods. She has a second job as an exotic dancer! Suspicious when she starts acting a little differently, the gods find out she has a night job and unexpectedly show up at her work! Yup, all twelve!

Rating: M for Part 1, E for Part 2 (coming soon)

Warnings: manipulation, extremely dubious concent, Dark!Zyglavis (in this part)

Notes: This is by far the hardest thing I’ve had to write in terms of circumstances. This fic was written while I was battling illness, travelled for 2 days straight, it was written on a bus, on a train, in a hotel and on a plane. It got away from me completely and I had to split it into two. So enjoy!

First song: Policy of Truth by Depeche Mode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBw6Kmieehc

Second song: Black Mambo by Glass Animals: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0IOYcKgfJQ

It was ridiculous, really, but I had long since stopped thinking about it.

In the dim neon lights of the backstage space, I was hastily shrugging off the button-down shirt of my uniform from the planetarium and adding a lot more eyeshadow to my light makeup that I'd worn during the day. I rummaged through the hangers and I pulled out a black strappy number with a matched set of panties and a bra. Sometimes I spiced it up but this was my go-to outfit for my second job most nights.

What's a girl to do? Juggling rent in downtown Tokyo, a starting-salary job and a master's degree in astronomy just didn't leave much choice. All the bartending jobs seemed to be taken and waitressing, making coffee or tending shop really wasn't going to cut it. If anyone back home knew what my dance background was coming in handy for, they'd be picking up their jaws from the floor.

In Shinjuku, where the city never slept and the neon lights were always on, I danced for money. And yeah, I also took my clothes off. That had been the reality of my Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights since last year.

And the gods always wondered why I never stayed for dinner on the weekends...

They didn't know, of course. I felt safe in that knowledge as I queued with the other girls behind the curtain waiting for the music to start. The beat started pumping in my ears and I set my inhibitions aside for the rest of the night. I did my job, performed my routine, the men cheered and whistled and put money in my little belt which rested on my hips.

It was a decent night, I made a good amount, I thought as I headed backstage at the end of the night. Little did I know, a tall male figure dressed in white had been watching me the whole night. Could have been the lights or a dye job, but his hair seemed pink.

 ***

 "Partheno. Parthenoooo!"

"Oi, asshole, wake the fuck up!"

"Aww, be nice, maybe he's dreaming about our goddess, right, Partheno?"

Partheno had been a thousand miles away but at the mention of the goddess his head snapped back up.

"Hmm? Oh sorry, you were saying something about me and Ichthys working on Earth tomorrow," he said, trying to seem like he was in the loop.

"Partheno, that was nine minutes ago. Good to know that for the short time that you were actually listening you retained something," Zyglavis commented, his brows furrowed in annoyance. "It isn't like you to be so distracted during meetings, is there anything you wish to share?"

Partheno thought for a second.

"No, nothing at all. I apologise. Please, carry on."

The meeting continued and Partheno paid careful attention to not letting his thoughts drift back to last night again. He'd never ever thought he'd see their beloved goddess the way he'd seen her last night except in his dreams, but it seemed to be reality. He felt an unusual flutter in his chest when he thought about her upcoming visit to the mansion tonight for the monthly get-together.

 ***

 It was a pleasant evening spent eating and drinking, laughing and talking. I loved being around all the gods and I always made an effort to bring a big basket with their favourite goodies whenever we got together like this: taiyaki for Ichthys, home-made cherry pie for Dui, a pot of curry for Karno and a plate of meatballs in tomato sauce for Leon, rabbit apples for Scorpio (he  never said thanks but he always blushed), some chocolate ganache cake for Zyglavis, milk and cookies for Teorus and Partheno, vanilla ice cream with marshmallows for Krioff and Aigo and a bottle of a good vintage wine for Huedhaut and Tauxolouve.

As the evening wound down, I tried to push down the uneasiness that came over me whenever I met Partheno's eyes. Something was off with him tonight. He was always flirtatious and chatty, winking and smiling at me, but tonight he was quiet and the look in his eyes was different. It was serious, intense, and he'd barely spoken two words to me. I didn't have time to linger on this as I needed to get home early tonight. I was facing a busy Friday shift at the planetarium and at my second job. How ironic that the club I worked at was called "Gate to Heaven"... Ugh. As if.

 ***

 After the reincarnated goddess of fate bid all the gods goodnight, Partheno quietly pulled Tauxolouve aside. While the rest of the gods were tidying up from their feast, the gods of Virgo and Sagittarius spoke in hushed tones, both of their usual charming and smiling expressions replaced by serious and brooding ones.

"We should tell them," Partheno said to Tauxolouve in the end.

"You think so? You know how badly some of them will react... When you and I were born these things weren't considered disreputable, but everyone else knows humans as far more closed-minded. Zyglavis will be the worst, he was born in the human Dark Ages," Tauxolouve looked up at him, hesitant.

"I know but they're not stupid, they know something's up," Partheno sighed. "This was never such a problem way back in Egypt, remember? Where did we go wrong," he chuckled bitterly.

"Yeah, I know," Tauxolouve also smiled crookedly. "Alright, we'll tell them. I'll arrange everything with Wishes, you take care of Punishments."

Partheno nodded, a quiet determination shining in his rose-coloured eyes.

 ***

 I was on stage, in my white flowy dress tonight. Our routine was tame until 11 at night, when the dresses dropped and by midnight - everything else. The song changed, signifying 11 o'clock, and I made my way to the central area where the poles were mounted. I grabbed the middle one and spun effortlessly, my dress flowing behind me.

 I turned my back to the crowd, swaying my hips to the rhythm. I tried not to think of anything as I reached for the zipper at the back of my dress. I made a show of pulling it down, going slowly and revealing every inch of skin sensually, aiming to entice. Eventually my dress dropped to the floor and I finished the rest of the song. It changed again after and they announced the portion of the evening where the booths could be booked for private dances.

 No sooner had I got off the stage than my manager found me.

"Sweetie, you already have your first booking for the night. You have a big party of twelve in the VIP booths. Actually they booked it out until closing time, so be nice to them. They look a bit odd, not sure if they're doing a bachelor party or if they're military or whatever, but they're all really good-looking. Try not to fall for any of 'em, okay?"

My manager laughed at the end and I thanked him. I headed towards the bar to pick up two bottles of champagne, as was customary to bring to an all-night booking. Two in one hand and a tray of twelve small champagne glasses in the other, I carefully balanced them on my way to the VIP rooms. I knocked on the door with my stiletto since my hands were busy and I waited. When the door opened, I nearly dropped the tray.

"P-Partheno?! Lou?! What the hell are you doing here?? This isn't funny!"

I was livid and mortified at the same time, my face going bright red as I stood in nothing but a sparkly red  set of underwear and bra, unable to cover myself with the champagne and glasses in both my hands.

"Please, hear us out. It isn't what you think. All twelve of us are here," Partheno said, sounding serious for once.

"All of you?? How? Why?!"

"Partheno was here for work last night. Apparently one of the patrons was getting far too touchy with one of your co-workers here and he had a punishment coming. That's how Partheno found out you work here."

Tauxolouve's smooth, matter-of-fact tone calmed me down somewhat.

"We decided to tell the others. We wanted to bring them here so you would get a chance to explain and we can help you. The others would have found out eventually. As the former goddess ofof fate you tend to attract people who need divine intervention, so it would have been just a matter of time," Partheno explained.

I was looking at the floor in embarrassment but I knew Partheno was right. I looked up at him and Tauxolouve pleadingly.

"What am I going to do? I can barely face you two, let alone everyone else..."

"Listen, we aren't judging you," Tauxolouve said gently, taking the bottles of champagne from me. "Partheno and I were born in the times where what you do here was considered an art form of the highest esteem and women like you were among the most adored and respected."

"Yes, Lou and I have nothing but respect for you, despite the fact that you lied to all of us and hid this second occupation of yours from us. Please, come in with us and let us do most of the talking."

Partheno's urging made me seriously consider their offer. He took the tray of glasses from me as I stared at the floor, biting my lip.

"Partheno... I'm scared," I said, looking up at him. I felt like I could trust him and Lou for once, they were both being incredibly mature and not at all lewd about this. Even though I was dressed like a trained seductress, I felt like a frightened little girl inside. Lou put his hand on my shoulder, the warmth of his fingers soothing me as he caressed me comfortingly.

"We won't let anyone say anything hurtful to you, I promise you'll be okay."

Partheno took my chin in his elegant fingers and turned my face delicately towards him.

"If it helps, you look absolutely stunning. If anything, they'll be smitten if you keep doing what you do. Leave your worries behind and play the role like you do each night."

I straightened up then and took a deep breath. This was something I knew how to do. I didn't hate my job, after all. I put a lot of effort into crafting this image of grace and allure that I wore when I worked. I put a small but confident smile on my face and nodded to the two gods, then we opened the doors to the VIP room and walked in together.

Sure enough, all the gods were there, scattered in the various plush chairs around the room. I scanned them one by one.

They all wore different expressions. Dui and Aigo seemed relaxed enough, but were warily glancing towards the other gods in room, as if checking on them. Ichthys and Teorus sat next to each other, with Teorus beaming his princely smile at me when I walked in and Ichthys giving me his own small smile as well. Scorpio and Krioff sat together, mirroring each other in their cross-armed, closed off postures. They had both been frowning, but Scorpio blushed and looked away when I walked in whereas Krioff's face was the picture of surprise. His arms unfolded to rest in his lap as he looked at me, eyes scanning my form quickly before they came back to my face and lingered there. Hue sat at the far end of the room, hands clasped in front of him. His face was unreadable as usual but he met my eyes briefly, seeming curious more than anything. Karno sat nearby, legs crossed and his foot tapped lightly. He seemed nervous somehow but he made an effort to acknowledge me, nodding at me quickly before looking away nervously.

If I wasn't blushing before, I sure was when I finally saw Leon and Zyglavis. They were the only ones not sitting. Leon was leaning against the wall cross-armed, his face seeming displeased. Close to him stood Zyglavis, hands clenched at his sides and an equally displeased expression on his face. Leon looked me in the eyes, his frown unchanged, but Zyglavis didn't even acknowledge me.

Lou spoke first.

"Alright, now that we're all here, let's--"

"What I want to know is, goldfish, how you thought you could lie to us and get away with it," Leon interrupted harshly.

"So much for one at a time..." Partheno sighed.

I swallowed thickly and tried to speak as calmly as possible.

"I didn't want to lie to you all but I suppose I felt ashamed. I didn't want you all to see me in this light." I looked at Partheno and Lou for reassurance."And also, in this time, women with jobs like mine aren't very respected."

"She has a point," Huedhaut spoke. "She may have lied, but her work is her own business and she does not owe us a full report on every single detail of her life. We can't blame her for wanting to protect herself from judgment."

"I can see that. I may not get why she's doin' this type of work but I get not wanting to be judged," Krioff said to my surprise.

"You all seem to forget that her life and all of ours are intertwined! She can't be out presenting herself to men and risking being groped or raped or worse!" Leon's booming voice filled the room, the anger in it startling me.

"Not that I agree with that stupid lion, but she's riskin' too much like this," Scorpio grumbled.

"Look, I get that you guys are concerned, but we do have security here...", I said quietly.

"Oh? Is this why Partheno had to intervene in this very place but a mere night ago?"

Zyglavis's voice was like ice when he finally spoke. The room was silent, the tension unpleasantly palpable. Who would have thought that he and Leon would be on the same page about this...

"That's true, which is exactly why we don't need to make a big deal out of this," Tauxolouve broached carefully, "Her life is linked to ours, that's why we'll always know if there's any danger. Partheno and I didn't tell you all so you would judge her. He and I are the oldest ones here. The rest of you may not remember, but it wasn't always like this for female exotic dancers."

"That's right. Their craft was revered in ancient times and there were none of the prejudices these performers face today," Partheno added. "We ask you to find the beauty in this, and not to worry about her safety," he smirked in his usual way, finally. "If you still have concerns, Lou and I would be more than happy to take turns watching over our goddess when she's performing."

"It is a very appealing performance," Karno spoke sweetly.

"Absolutely, she does look magnificent like this," Teorus agreed.

"Yeah, I'd sooo hate it if you had to quit just 'cause Zig and Leon don't approve," Ichthys said. "If you stay, we have a reasom to come visit you at work!"

"That could be quite fun," Dui's sweet voice added to the mix, his face innocently smiling as his eyes crinkled at the corners.

"These chairs are really comfy. I wouldn't mind coming here again, especially if you're around," Aigo said lazily, resting his head against the back of the chair as he looked at me.

"Tch... Whatever."

Scorpio appeared annoyed but I knew by now that this was his reluctant way of agreeing.

Zyglavis and Leon, however, still wore their stormy expressions, seemingly not swayed by the approval of their subordinates.

"I cannot believe that all of you are condoning this," Zyglavis said in the end and turned on his heel, storming out of the VIP room.

My heart sank. If the Ministers were so opposed to this, I knew that there was a chance they'd force me to quit this job.

Leon seemed somewhat taken aback by Zyglavis's exit and his face was an unreadable canvas of emotions.

"I've heard enough. All of you, leave. I want a word with the goldfish," he said, his tone not tolerating objection.

The gods looked amongst themselves and slowly stood up, filtering out of the room one by one. Partheno and Tauxolouve nodded at me reassuringly before they exited as well.

Left in an uncomfortable silence alone with Leon, I occupied myself with the only thing I could. I popped open the bottle of champagne and poured two glasses. I offered one to Leon wordlessly and he grimaced but accepted.

"Cheap and tasteless," his verdict was when he took a sip.

"Sorry, I don't have anything else," I said, feeling a need to apologise.

"Never mind that. Tell me the real reason you're working here," he said, his eyes piercing me.

"The truth? I need the money. The planetarium isn't enough yet, I couldn't find anything else, and I danced for a long time when I was younger, so this was an easy option."

"So you're used to performing?"

"Yes. It's easy for me to create an illusion for an audience," I said.

"Hm." Leon left his spot by the wall and came up to me. Glass of champagne in one hand, he caressed my shoulder with the other, fingers slipping under one of my sparkly bra straps.

"You'd look better in a gown befitting a goddess. Or in nothing at all."

Was that a compliment? If it was it didn't sound that way.

"Are you happy doing this? Would you not accept any help from us?", he asked, even though he knew what my answer would be.

"I'm okay with this. I don't have long before I finish my studies and can have a higher position at the planetarium but I want to do it on my own. If I'm going to be curator one day, I want to know that it was something I achieved for myself."

I looked into Leon's eyes, urging him to understand. I knew what he'd gone through as he'd risen through the ranks to become Minister.

"I understand, goldfish," he said softly, leaning in a bit closer as his hand went to stroke my cheek gently. "I don't like other men looking at you like this but I can see that you're determined enough to even lie to us in order to get to where you want to be by yourself."

"What about Zyglavis," I asked anxiously.

"Just give him time," Leon sighed, rolling his eyes. He leaned in closer and placed a kiss on my forehead. He drew back, eyes shining with something I couldn't place. I was suprised and said nothing, waiting for him to provide clarity. But he didn't. Instead he kissed my temple, my cheek, my jaw and then his head dipped lower as he kissed my neck.

Tingles of pleasure started coursing through me but I knew he wasn't using his power. His scent, refined and alluring, enveloped me and drew me in.

"Leon...what are you..."

"Shh, just let me have this," he whispered in my ear, then kissing just underneath. His tender kisses made me feel warm all over and my arms embraced him on their own.

But he didn't go any further. He drew back and looked at me again, a gentleness in his eyes that I hadn't seen before.

"You're beautiful. Don't let anyone take advantage of you," he said, then reached and took my arms from around his neck. He didn't say anything more, he just turned and left quietly through the door, pausing only to leave his glass on the tray.

I stood frozen in place, my mind racing with excitement and worry over  everything that happened. I considered just going home since I knew the gods had paid off the rest of my time for the night, but I didn't get to dwell on that because the door to the room opened again.

I whipped around and my eyes met stern silver ones.

"Zyglavis... I thought you left..."

Zyglavis made his way to one of the chairs and sat down without a word. When he did, he made a theatrical gesture with his hand.

"What.." my voice trailed off.

"Go ahead," he said.

When I kept looking at him puzzled, he spoke again.

"Go ahead. Show me what you do. I want to see it for myself."

"What?! I.. I can't do that," I stuttered awkwardly. Surely he didn't expect me to dance for him??

"You can and you will. I want to see it for myself. I want to understand what it is I'm missing. So show me."

Holy shit, he was really serious about this. I fidgeted nervously.

"Are you sure?"

"I believe I made myself perfectly clear. Show me what you do. I want to see what a patron here would see."

"Alright...," I cleared my throat. "Then I guess I have to tell you the rules."

"I'm listening."

He definitely was, his silver eyes fixed on mine.

"You get two songs. When the songs are over I leave. I'm allowed to touch you but you can't touch me unless I allow it. If you touch me without my permission I will ask you to stop. If you do it again, I will leave the room and call security."

"Understood."

"Do you have any specific song requests? If we have it we could play it for you."

"No. I will leave the choice of song up to you."

"Alright. Then I'll just... get everything started I guess."

Holy shit, this was really happening. I was about to give a freaking lap dance to the Minister of Punishments... I took deep breaths, trying to steady myself. It's okay, it's gonna be fine... He may be the Minister out there, but in here, he had to follow my rules. Here, I was the goddess and he was the commoner.

With those thoughts in mind, I switched on the music and took my position in front of him. I cleared my mind as best as I could, focusing only on the rhythm of the music and on the movements of my muscles. It was an old electronic beat but it filled the room and it all seemed to merge together into one singular feeling. The black and dark red leather of the seats and the walls, the hazy lights, the smooth sounds of the song, Zyglavis sitting and watching me, his expression impossible to read, my heart pumping steadily in my chest, my heels being cushioned silently by the carpet, softening my step...

You had something to hide

Should have hidden it, shouldn't you

Now you're not satisfied

With what you're being put through...

I'd picked a tame song that still had a good rhythm I could dance to. I wanted Zyglavis to see the beauty of what I did, not the degradation. I moved smoothly in front of him, my practiced look already in place. It was working, he wasn't the scary Minister anymore in my mind.

Things could be so different now

It used to be so civilised

You will always wonder how

It could have been if you'd only lied...

I swayed my hips to the rhythm in seductive figure 8s as my hands went to my hair on instinct. I walked around Zyglavis, an extra swing in my step, one foot after the other on each beat. As I passed behind him, I dragged my fingers across the back of the chair, brushing against his ponytail with the faintest touch. It was softer than I thought it would be. I smiled to myself while he couldn't see me, my confident expression back in place when I circled back in front of him.

It's too late to change events

It's time to face the consequence

For delivering the proof

In the policy of truth...

My hips continued to follow their curved paths as I ran my hands along my body. I watched his eyes waver and follow my hands, dropping rom my face to my chest, along my stomach, to my hips, down my thighs... There was no hiding it, I'd shaken him. A shiver of excitement ran through me and I put extra effort into my performance. Deeper curve to my spine, pushed out my chest and let my head fall back as I moved my body like a wave, making a wide circle with my hips at the end.

Now you're standing there tongue tied

You'd better learn your lesson well

Hide what you have to hide

And tell what you have to tell...

Zyglavis's lips had set into a clenched line, his eyes following my every move. I looked back, teasing him, showing him what he was missing. It was all a game, to get him to imagine it was his hands touching my skin instead of my own, to get him to imagine how soft my body would be, how it would feel pressed against him. Even though I didn't think of myself that way, in that moment I had to believe what I was selling, that I was the sexiest woman in the whole building. The more I watched Zyglavis lose control over his facade, the more I believed it. In a surge of confidence, I walked up closer to him, my hips following an inverted figure 8 as I dropped slowly down onto my knees in front of him.

Never again

Is what you swore

The time before...

I gently placed my hands on his crossed legs and he uncrossed them for me without being asked. I didn't have to push as I guided him to spread them apart enough for me to fit between them. I didn't know why, but while his face remained stoic, his body wasn't so tight anymore. Supporting myself with my hands on his knees, I rose up, arching my body towards him invitingly before I made a show of turning with my back to him, arching my back and edging my hips out.

The lightest touch, but I felt it. His fingers ghosting along the curve of my waist.

"Can I touch you?"

His deep voice was nearly a whisper, sending a jolt of heat through my body. He'd given in to curiosity which was exactly what I wanted.

"Yes," I answered, my voice rasping as it caught in my throat.

The song drew to a close, the end of it merging with the beginning of the next one. Slower, softer, more intimate. I hadn't planned it that way but I suppose it worked out better like this.

Slow down

It's a science

He's been waiting

To bring you down...

I let his fingers caress me, light as a feather, and I ignored how good they felt. I wasn't finished yet but he was definitely making it hard to keep my cool. I lowered myself down, reaching behind me to grasp the chair for support as I allowed my body to glide along the front of his. His face was so close... It was exhilarating to be this close to him. I was used to Leon's closeness and overpowering presence but this was different. Zyglavis never let anyone this close.

Snake-eyed

With a sly smile

He can hold you

And shake you, child...

Zyglavis's grip suddenly became tight on my hips and he forced me to sit down on his thigh, his other hand reaching up to wind in my hair and he pulled roughly, bringing my body flush with his.

"Can you still dance now?"

What? I didn't know what he wanted from me but I planted my heels firmly on the floor and surged upward, standing upright and out of his hands.

Wanna play cheat now, says the sloth

A domino flush to his nose...

I looked at him, not quite concealing the anger in my eyes. My movements took on a sharp edge, no longer the smooth, sinuous dance from before. If he wanted rough, I would give him rough. I walked back up to him and put my heel in between his legs, resting in on the chair. Compromised. Better not make me angry if you don't want to get kicked just there. I reached for his ponytail, winding it around my hand and I pulled, his body rolling forward to follow, and I reached behind me with my other hand. I undid the clasp to my bra, my embarrassment long forgotten. He wanted to see what a patron would see.

I released him when his face was in front of my chest. His eyes held an even more dangerous glint than before but I felt safe. He knew the rules, he wasn't going to break them. I brought one of his hands up to my shoulder and hooked his finger in the loosened bra strap. Would he have the guts?

Tickle that cheek

And take your throne

Pump your veins

With gushing gold...

I'd read him wrong... He ripped my bra off me with a sharp motion. I took a step back, barely concealing my shock. But he didn't stop there. He grabbed me by my hips and suddenly I was straddling  his lap.

"That's against the rules," I said, my voice a timid whisper.

"Rules matter little in a place like this," he replied, a cruel smirk forming on his lips. I was scared but he was so frustratingly distracting and gorgeous up close that I couldn't bring myself to leave.

"Zyglavis..."

His lips attacked my neck, teeth nipping at my skin and his tongue soothing the bites afterward. What I lie it would have been to say I hated it...

Slow down it's a science

He's been waiting

To bring you down...

His lips suckled up  to my ear, his breath tickling as he whispered to me, "So this is what you do here? Playing with desire, stoking and teasing weak-willed men until they're putty in your hands?"

"Ahh... No one's ever dared to touch me like you're doing now," I breathed.

"Damned right," he growled and pulled me roughly to him, his lips crashing against mine. His hand palmed my bared breasts, squeezing one and then the other. My mind was drawing a blank. My body was betraying me, yielding to him while my mind couldn't fathom how or why this was happening. Was this why Zyglavis was so uptight all the time? Was temptation his weakness? Or was it that for all his discipline he actually lacked self-control?

"This is your last night here," he said when his lips parted from mine. "From now on you will only dance for me."

I didn't get a chance to object because his lips claimed mine again, his tongue slipping between my lips and forcing mine into submission. He was the Minister of Punishments again and now I had it coming.

"But first, I'll have to punish you. I don't appreciate being lied to," he said, his dangerous smile widening. I was at his mercy now...

He pushed me to my knees on the floor between his spread legs and reached for his belt.

"Partheno mentioned that some of the dancers here provide additional services which overlap another profession, for a higher fee."

Indignation bubbled in my chest. Is that what he took me for??

"How dare you?! I've never done that! I will never have sex for money!"

"Exactly," he smirked. "You'll do it for free. And in return I'll waive your punishment for lying to the entire pantheon of Zodiac gods."

[past3lp3gasus]

I’ve been delaying this post because I haven’t been ready.  I feel like I have so much to say and don’t even know where to start.  Plus, some of it is painful to reflect upon.  

It’s almost scary how my hair reflects my life and what I’m going through at the moment.  I’m learning a lot about how to navigate through life by something that most say is “just hair”.  Many women these days shave their heads because they are not their hair.  My truth is a bit different.  I feel like my hair is such an anchor in my life.  Like Sampson’s was in the bible.  

I began my journey with the embarrassing scraps.  I went blonde shortly before I started, and my hair started snapping off.  I looked like a little boy when my interlocks were put in.  I was chubby as well and having so little hair, made me look even more plump.  However, I was excited for the challenge.  Excited to tackle the challenge of self love.  I wasn’t the most fond to look upon at the moment, therefore, I refused to be hung up on my physical appearance.  It was then, where I began to look inside myself for inner beauty.  I began a lot of soul searching and was able to learn a good deal about myself and my passions in life.  One of the things I’ve learned through this journey is how compassionate I am.  

I kept my locks neat a lot through my last couple years of college.  I was working full time at the restaurant job that I hated, but paid my school fees.  I managed to hang in there for the better half of 2 years.  Years of nothing but pain and struggle. I finally graduated in December and being able to quit my job in February was so rewarding and liberating.  I was unemployed for a good 3 weeks.  Luckily I had saved up enough money to keep me a float during the job search process.  I applied for several jobs a day, which is funny because the job I ended up getting wasn’t even one that I applied for.  I just kind of happened through word of mouth.  However, had I not put myself out there, I wouldn’t have gotten this opportunity.  I applied to be a preschool teacher, shortly before I quit the Z.  My dad encouraged me to shadow a close family friend for a day because she had been doing this as a career most of her life.  I rushed  into her classroom from a job interview one morning.  I was so late so we didn’t have as much time, but she was able to give me plenty of pointers in that short amount of time.  

The next day was my trial shift at the preschool.  I believe it went well, but I didn’t end up getting the job.  However, I received a text message the following day from my family friend saying that her school was in need of an after school music instructor.  She said the director was one of her great friends who works at the same school as her.  She gave me his number and I called him right away.  We had a meeting in his classroom to discuss the culture of the program and our philosophies on music.  He hired me.  I am so incredibly blessed to have a boss who is so genuine.  He never tries to break my spirit.  I have felt nothing but support and encouragement from Josh and it means the world to me. From such a terrible experience at Zingerman’s I almost don’t know what it feels like for a person in leadership to treat me with dignity.  

The money from teaching was enough to keep me a float in a sense that I was $15 an hour as an assistant but only teaching 2 days a week. I continued to look for 2nd job and landed one subbing at Ann Arbor Learning community.  This is not a coincidence.  This is fate, because I used to run Lego club at that very school and my old manager put in a good word for me, along with Jhordan (my manager from the music school who stepped up and was also a reference that was the determining factor of my hiring).  So now I am working at AACL whenever they need me.  I love it because my schedule is not set in stone and I don’t “have” to come in if I don’t want to.

Eventually I got some private students through Josh.  That is more money in my pocket.  And he has also asked me to be a lead teacher next semester.  Of course, I will, because it pays more.  

Brad and I split recently for good.  The crazy thing is my hair is all tangled up. Let’s be honest, it looks rough and like it has been through a war.  HOWEVER, I have SOOOOOOO much new growth.  My roots need to be touched up. Anthony will definitely be able to do it for me when I get back to Ghana, meanwhile, I’m booking an appointment at Textures to get my hair done with my next paycheck because I currently look like a cave woman.   I feel like this is a symbol of my life at this very moment.  A ton damage, but a good amount of growth.  It is time for nourishment, refinement and maintenance.  

I have started by cracking down on my diet.  The biggest change I’ve made is cutting alcohol down to only on weekends, or if I go out.  Now I only drink 1-2 days a week, versus the 5-7 days I used to while working at the restaurant.  I was so stressed out after shifts and I used alcohol to cope.  I’m proud of myself for catching that flaw and leaving the situation.  Another change I’ve made is being more organized and more cleanly.  I knew I needed to change when seeing the inside of lover’s homes and observing that they are way more clean, neat and tidy than I.  I feel like a woman should always be clean.  The 3rd big change I’ve made is exercise.  I am now exercising about 5 days a week and sometimes I do 2 a days.  I am in the process of healing myself and my body, so that it is prepared for what the future brings.  I’m tired of caring all of this weight around.  I have a vision of what my body will feel and look like in the future and I feel like it is so attainable, I can almost taste it.  But I have to keep reminding myself that it’s a journey and a process.  I didn’t get to be this unhealthy over night, so I will not be healed over night either.  But the day I look in the mirror with a strong body, hair past my waist and a successful artist, I will feel like a champion.  I long for that feeling, which is exactly why I’m holding myself so accountable these days.  I am also proud that none of these goals involve men.  

I am really aiming to be able to navigate through life without the company of a lover.  I am striving to be my own lover, but sometimes I have weak moments.  Actually many times.  Like yesterday, when a guy left me his number.  I have it saved in my phone. He’s super adorable, but I never texted him.  I eventually will, but right now just isn’t the time.  I also met someone last weekend at a party.  We had a great time.  He really showed interest in me.  He lives in Chicago and was leaving the next night.  He hit me up in the morning wanting to meet and say goodbye.  We went to Hopcat for drinks.  I’m very relieved that he had to go back to Chicago though.  My heart is full at the moment and right now I just don’t have the space for anyone else.  We text back and forth and ask about each other’s days.  it’s nice.  But i’m of course not completely feeling it because I’m still hurting.  Plus, Brad gave me trust issues.  Ali (the guy from the party) mentioned moving to Ann Arbor and I told him to not base his decision off of me by any circumstance.  He’s a foreigner and so I’d imagine love is more simple for him.  He definitely has experienced love at first sight, which sucks because I don’t feel the same.  This is simply a fling, as terrible as that sounds.  But I have to look out for me these days.  I’m done putting my all into men who I’m not married to and I am very aware that many women even walk out of marriages over things that Brad put me through in the relationship.  

One last change I am making is seeking help.  Just like I’m going to get my locks done at the shop, I’m also looking to go back to therapy.  I always feel ashamed to go back, but I guess it’s sort of the trendy thing to do these days anyways haha.  So that makes me feel at least a little better.  I want to bounce back physically and become more flexible.  One day I’d like to start doing yoga. I also need to learn how to become flexible psychologically.  I can’t allow life to dig deep holes that I can’t get out of.  I want it to be more like a slinky instead, and not be so easily phased and affected by things that I can’t control and that are not worth my time/reaction.

I’m aware that this post is kind of a lot, but I really needed to get my thoughts organized by putting them in writing.  I also hope that being so public with my life will inspire someone.  

You are never alone.

I cringe at the thought of cutting my locks.  I don’t think I ever will, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

[wereadinstead]

☆  get to know me - 30 q’s and my a’s, lol ☆

hello, lovely people out on the internet!

welcome on this side of tumblr, where the booknerds and freaks are hiding! i’m kidding, i think people who read are cool. so hi, bookaholic or whatever other -aholic you are, i hope you enjoy your stay on this blog!

1. any nicknames?

no, i guess. nina is pretty short so thats’s what i am called most of the time. my friends used to call me ninski, nincii (pronounced like avicii, but nincii, lol), but luckily, that’s over now, hehe.

2. gender?

female. hi!

3. star sign?

aries, but i believe in astrology only partly.

4. how tall are you?

pretty short, 158cm, which should be almost 5′2

5. what time is it when you’re writing this?

8:15 pm

6. when’s your birthday?

april 3rd!

7. fan of any bands?

i barely consider myself as fan of anything, so not really. but i do enjoy some band’s music. so, there’s big time rush, aswell as one direction (not a hard-core fan, but still), the wanted. i also enjoy(ed) falls, linkin park, pale waves and hey violet. bet i forgot someone, but whatever.

8. favorite solo artists?

khalid, swae lee, troy sivan, billie eilish and attention please, german artists - RIN, Shindy, Hubert Kah, Nena, Trailerpark and last but so not least - Cro!

9. song stuck in your head?

einmal um die welt by cro (link to spotify)

10. last movie watched?

the breakfast club, and i rate it a solid 4/5. i enjoyed its intention.

11. last show watched?

grace and frankie, still not over about episode 17 of season 10 on friends..*cries in joey’s voice*

12. when did you create your blog?

today, which marks february 11th 2019, my sisters 10th birthday. i’m sick with a cold, lmao. remember me, future nina.

13. what do you post?

reading/book related stuff: monthly books read, books to read for the next month, goals, challenges, reviews and statements. we’ll see what comes.

14. last thing you googled?

pornhub.

15. do you have other blogs?

yes, one, which is my personal blog called wesayfuckyou.

16. why did you choose your url?

there are so many bad, unnecessary and pointless things people do, because they have too much time. can’t we read instead?

17. following blogs?

none, on this one so far. but that’s gonna change, dude.

18. followers?

none, so far, lol. but i dont even care about these numbers right now. i enjoy the sound of my keyboard when i’m typing. joking, i enjoy writing a lot.

19. favorite color(s)?

red

20. average amount of sleep you get?

on school days mostly 6-7, on the weekend or during the holidays about 9-12

21. where are you from?

germany, hiiii!

22. lucky number?

three

23. current outfit?

sweatpants, two layers of socks and my dad’s sweater.

24. last time you kissed someone?

i turned away because it was so unexpected and i accidentally embarrassed and especially hurt him. don’t regret it though, because he’s kind of not respectful right now.

25. dream job?

somewhere with a lot of people around me, communication is very important to me. i want to work internationally as i speak five languages and i would like to earn a lot of money.

26. dream trip?

atacama, chile. literally a dream.

27. three goals for life?

being happy, finding love and having kids.

28. favorite food?

currently it’s pizza with spinach or pizza margharita.

29. why are you doing this blog?

because i enjoy the sound of my keybord, when i’m typ hjswnrm7ueiowaqHYDXJ

mainly, because i want to share my journey of reading and i want to reflect on what the books taught me. but also because i think being part of a community who shares your passion is an incredible thing.

30. what do you want to reach with your blog?

i’d absolutely love people to become friends because of my blog, because they get in an argument in the comment section, or because they share the same opinion. that would literally be such a great thing.

well, that was my first post :-)

if you’re interested in my #bookblr - book ratings, monthly wrap ups, tbr’s and tags - just follow me! i would love to have anyone to talk about our shared passion dedicated to reading.

let’s dive into our next book adventure together!

– Nina

[menmakingapologies]

A LETTER TO READERS I have some explaining to do

Since I was a boy, all I ever wanted to be was a writer. That’s the irony of this week. I Can’t Breathe is the book I spent thirty years learning to write. Writers often speak self-referentially about “finding their voice,” but the painful and complex story of Eric Garner’s life and death is one I found had to be told without my voice, without linguistic cartwheels or jokes or any of the other circus tricks I learned to use to sustain my financial career over the years.

When you finally get to this place as a writer, there is an incredible sense of relief and pride. I felt that last week once I Can’t Breathe hit the shelves. But at the exact moment when I was finally disappearing from public view in the right way, I ruined it all by becoming an Internet scandal.

I issued a statement on Facebook last week that was meant to address both allegations of sexual harassment and misogynistic writing from my days at a Russian newspaper called the eXile in the late nineties.

As to the former, I continue to deny absolutely that I have ever sexually harassed anyone in any office, here or in Russia. No woman anywhere has ever accused me of anything of the sort, and I am confident that my former co-workers will report (many already have) that I have never exhibited anything like that kind of behavior, at work or elsewhere.

In that regard, I never spoke publicly about my departure from First Look Media and Racket, which was to be the companion site to the Intercept. I said nothing because of a non-disclosure agreement, which I believed prevented me from doing so.

It is true that there was a complaint made against me by a female employee at Racket. But that complaint had nothing to do with sexual harassment. Moreover, I was not fired due to this complaint, as the company following a thorough investigation cleared me in the matter. I left First Look instead because of an ongoing dispute with management, which felt, with some justice, that I was insubordinate.

The furor this week is over a passage from a book I co-wrote back in 1999 with Mark Ames called The eXile: Sex, Drugs, and Libel in the New Russia.

In a chapter written by Mark, he is seen bragging about how “we” harassed women in the newspaper office, begging them for blowjobs and anal sex. As I said last week, the passage depicts behavior that is reprehensible and inexcusable. It is also, like a lot of things in the eXile, fiction.

Some Internet observers believe this denial is belied by the book jacket, which describes the eXIle as non-fiction. As to that, the publisher of the book, Grove Press, has issued a statement:

“The statement on the copyright page is incorrect. This book combines exaggerated, invented satire and nonfiction reporting and was categorized as nonfiction because there is no category for a book that is both.”

I don’t recommend reading the book, but it opens with an interview in one of Mark’s chapters with a fictional character named Johnny Chen. Chen is a fake person. He is, in fact, Mark Ames. And he is actually listed as a contributor right underneath the supposed smoking-gun disclaimer about the book’s non-fiction-ness. Even the book jacket, in other words, was spoofed.

This is not to defend the book, its message, or its use of language. I merely point out that it is not biographical reality.

The issue of the misogyny and hurtfulness in the book and the newspaper is more complicated and I apologize for it. In my Facebook statement last week, I tried to tell the truth about my feelings about the eXile years.

We wrote a lot of terrible things back then, for which I feel deep regret. Since leaving Russia memories of the paper’s gratuitous viciousness, its often demeaning and misogynistic content, and its generally mean-spirited tone over the years have haunted me.

I have regrets about many of the editorial decisions made in those years. I wish I could go back to my younger self and say, “What you are doing is wrong, stupid, and hurtful to women.” It pains me to think of one of my three young sons reading some of this material. As I wrote here last week, I am genuinely sorry for my bad judgment and insensitivity in those years.

An article on Huffington Post by NYU Russian Studies Professor Eliot Borenstein that suggested that this apology was insufficient, and helpfully offered a more elaborate version.

He added the following:

When it comes to Taibbi, Russianists have been experiencing a slow-motion shock of an entirely different kind: the gradual discovery over the past decade that Taibbi has somehow matured into one of the most acerbic and valuable commenters on the American political scene. How can this be the same man?

I understand the question, but to me the answer is simple. Writers often start out by writing terrible things, either to get attention or to imitate some other shocking or flamboyant writer from the past, whose personality was perhaps a better fit for that kind of approach.

As it happens, most of the great writers I grew up admiring were either outright insane people or defective as human beings in some other critical way in their private lives. But they somehow managed to produce great writing.

Moreover many of these voices shared a belief that producing good writing was more important than anything, more important than being good or bad, more important than achieving social justice aims, anything.

I remember very clearly as a young man reading Vladimir Nabokov denounce the “literature of social intent” as not only boring, but as an ugly characteristic of repressive states like the one he’d fled. And I remember Oscar Wilde telling me in The Picture of Dorian Gray, “All art is quite useless.”

As a confused and depressed young man for whom writing at an early age become a primary means of making sense of the world, I believed in all of this with the force of a newly religious person. So I committed to this carpe diem ethos, under which nothing matters but what you put on paper.

As I would later learn, the business of writing is more crucially about growing up in public. It can be incredibly painful and embarrassing, and it’s why so few people can stomach it in the most serious sense of the word, as a way of life.

Many people can hear the obvious things wrong with themselves. But to succeed in this profession you have to be willing to, at one time or another, hear people detail absolutely everything wrong with who you are. This is why, as hard as this week has been, I am not hiding from the questions, because I need to hear it all still – you never stop needing to hear it.

Borenstein’s proposed better apology contains a few lines that are very true, particularly:

The overall tone of the book is accurate, but some of the worst parts are exaggeration for effect; that is, I actively chose to make myself look like even more of an asshole than I was. I was also strung out on heroin all those years, though that does not excuse me. I deeply regret how I behaved, and have tried to be a better person since then, particularly in my interactions with women.

I could write such an apology, and add the other parts he felt were necessary – like making sure to point out that I’m not saying “it was a different time,” because the eXile book was “published in the same year that Gloria Steinem turned 68; everything people are complaining about now was reprehensible then.”

But there is a reason why I never formally apologized in this manner, even though I began to feel sick about having written certain things at the eXile a long time ago.

I have always believed that living forever with the dumb and failed things that you publish is how a writer apologizes. Ongoing embarrassment and loss of audience is the price of offensive work. You get readers back by growing and being better, not by apologizing. This merciless meritocratic system is a major incentive for literary restraint in most cases, especially in the Internet age.

So now, for instance, if people go back and look at the offensive things that I wrote 18 or 20 years ago, and decide never to read my columns in Rolling Stone or buy I Can’t Breathe, that is completely just. It’s how this business works.

The eXile did have a satirical idea, at least in the beginning. It was supposed to be an obscene send-up of the Americans who stood behind the crooked Yeltsin government. They arrived in droves in the nineties, consultants who wore benevolent faces as they imported neoliberal misery by day, but were monsters by night, romping in clubs and blowing fat fees on booze, drugs, and prostitutes.

The basic division of labor was that Mark would write about the nightlife side while I wrote about the daytime exploitation. My reporting in Moscow on the mob-style machinations of the Yeltsin government and the missives I sent in from the provinces were meant, I thought back then, to show the true face of the oligarchical society we Americans were helping create.

But as I reflected back years later, mostly what I was doing with that reporting was giving the eXile legitimacy as social criticism, when in fact we had pretty quickly become the very people we were supposedly satirizing.

We were mean and we turned Russia, a place we claimed to love, into our personal playground. As for the misogyny, that’s a darker topic that will likely require years more self-examination. Perhaps others can help me unwind it further. But I knew from the moment I returned home that it was an issue that would require years of reckoning.

As for Mark Ames and his columns: I will confess right now that I never confronted him about their misogyny. Our arguments ran in a different direction. In many ways, Mark and I were very different people. Among other things, he was an unapologetic libertine, while I was in a committed relationship throughout that period (though I failed at that as well).

But we had one thing in common, which is that we both desperately wanted to be writers. Our final split was more about how to accomplish that than it was about anything else. Mark felt we were on the right track at the eXile. I did not, and left.

When I returned to America, I began going through everything that we’d tried at the eXile – there was a lot of wincing during this time – and started down the long road of facing up to the failures of that period.

The eXile was where I learned to write. I tried everything in its pages: I tried being engaging, but also tried being vile and shocking. I tried autobiography as well as fiction. I tried juvenile pranks, but also serious journalism. I tried to imitate good writers (like Hunter Thompson and H.L. Mencken) and bad ones (like Jim Goad, the author of perhaps the only magazine ever more disgusting than the eXile, Answer ME!).

Stylistically I tried a me-first, look-at-how-cool-I-am style, tried another one that was more based upon being detached, reporting-heavy, and empathetic, and then spent a lot of time flailing in between.

In the cold light of day, away from the project, I read all of this again and found it horrifying, embarrassing, hurtful, and stupid. There was one day in particular when I had been away from it long enough to see this, and it was a long time before I could even look at an eXile again.

Nonetheless, some things I’d experimented with at the paper bled into my more modern work.

I’d written a “participatory” column called Working Here in which I got jobs doing all sorts of things — shoveling dung at the Moscow elephant cage, being a greeter in a clown theater, selling vegetables in a mob-run market, etc.

And for longer features I’d traveled all over the country following people around in weird corners of the Russian experience, working as a bricklayer, moonshine bootlegger, a monastery itinerant, and… well, it doesn’t matter now. But I wrote probably millions of words of this stuff.

People who read any of those articles now will find the tone and style the same as the articles and books I’ve written in the last few years. It took all those years at the eXile to learn that this unvarnished, on-the-ground reporting style was where I had something to contribute, while in other areas – like trying to be cool, or offering commentary on sex or gender relations, or being a public personality – it was clear I had nothing to offer to anyone.

This is why, if you scan YouTube, you will not find video of me hanging with actors, or partying at nightclubs, or really doing anything at all outside the confines of my job. I have a beautiful family, three young children and a brilliant and caring wife, whom I love boundlessly and as best I can. If you read my work you know the rest, because writing is pretty much the only other thing I do.

Apart from my family, my relationship with readers is the most important thing in my life, which is why I’m going against professional advice to try to explain the eXile days to those who may feel betrayed.

I understand these offenses might not be forgivable to some. If readers feel that you’ve violated their trust – by turning out to be something you seemed not to be – they will leave you, and that’s appropriate.

If on the other hand as a reader you believe that writers have the ability to evolve and grow, that’s different. I believe it. If my hero Raymond Chandler were alive today, would he still employ the offensive and hurtful language that can be found dotting otherwise beautiful books like Farewell My Lovely? I hope and believe he would express himself differently. I believe he could have been made to see the issues in his work. I’ve tried to.

Since returning home I’ve learned a lot from colleagues and readers over the years who reacted, sometimes with outrage, at certain uses of flamboyantly offensive imagery. Sometimes, I didn’t hear or want to hear the righteousness of what they said at first. But I tried to listen to everything and many times - I think particularly of a Rolling Stone copy-editor with whom I fought loudly over the cavalier use of a violent metaphor - I eventually changed in the right directions, even if it sometimes took far longer than it should have.

This has been my version of an apology, working for nearly two decades now to try to do the right work instead of the wrong work. I don’t know what else to do. If there are other apologies to make, I will make them, but I believe the most effective and sincere apology any writer can make is to try to use his or her platform in the right way.

I’ve done a lot of wrong things in my life. As a young man, I wrote and said some very dumb and hurtful things. I also made questionable decisions about my professional relationships. I’m sorry for all of this, and I’m sure as I look back I will continue to see, and be told, more reasons to be sorry.

But it was never more than that. I know the list of revealed harassers is growing, but I am not on that list, nor should I be. I belong to a much bigger group. I was young once, and a jerk. And I am sorry for that.

-Matt Taibbi, writer.